September 22, 2023 • 24 mins
Guess what? That exhilarating, giddy feeling you experience at the start of a new relationship isn't meant to last forever, and that's okay! We're here to reassure you that as the sizzle of the honeymoon phase cools down, it's not a sign your relationship is tanking. Instead, it's evolving into something more profound, joyous, and deeper. Through our latest conversation, we unpack the various stages of romantic relationships, guiding you on how to navigate each one and cultivate a thriving connection with your partner, irrespective of the stage you're in.
**********************
THE LOVE PRESCRIPTION:
https://a.co/d/fdOAuti
**********************
DISCLAIMER: This podcast is for educational purposes only and does not replace the advice you may be receiving from a licensed therapist.This podcast and website represents the opinions of KathyDan Moore, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Grief Coach Jess Lowe, and their guests to the show and website. The content here should not be taken as medical advice.
The content here is for informational purposes only, and because each person is so unique, please consult your healthcare professional for any medical questions.Views and opinions expressed in the podcast and website are our own. While we make every effort to ensure that the information we are sharing is accurate, we welcome any comments, suggestions, or correction of errors.
Privacy is of utmost importance to us. All people, places, and scenarios mentioned in the podcast have been changed to protect patient confidentiality.This website or podcast should not be used in any legal capacity whatsoever, including but not limited to establishing “standard of care” in a legal sense or as a basis for expert witness testimony.
No guarantee is given regarding the accuracy of any statements or opinions made on the podcast or website.In no way does listening, reading, emailing or interacting on social media with our content establish a doctor-patient relationship.
If you find any errors in any of the content of these podcasts or blogs, please send a message to kdandjess@spillingthetheratea.com.
Podcast Music by: Lemon Music
Have a question for our Asked and Answered Segment? Email Us!
AskUs@spillingthetheratea.com
Follow us on Instagram!
https://www.instagram.com/spillingthetherateapodcast
Follow us on Facebook!
https://www.facebook.com/Spilling-the-Thera-Tea-103883072393873/
Check out our website!
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome back to Spilling the Therati with
therapist Kathy Dan Moore andgrief coach Jess Lowe.
Hey Kathy Dan, hi Jess.
How's it going?
It's going good, except for myneighbor's getting a new roof.
Oh, so they're probably it'sloud like it's not Like super
loud for me, but the dogs arelike huffin, you know All like
(00:22):
all day.
So if anyone here any hammering, I'm so sorry.
I've tried to like get in thespot where, like you wouldn't
hear it, but they're finishingup today, so hopefully, that's
good, that is after yeah.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
Yeah, new roofs are expensive.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
Yeah, and we've had like four different roofing
companies in our neighborhoodover the past month trying to
get everybody get new roofs.
And I'm like it's hurricaneseason, like you know, and also
like our neighborhoods like amajor no soliciting neighborhood
and they're knocking on doorsat like 730 PM like it's a
(00:56):
little late if you're gonna be.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
Yeah, no yeah.
I don't like to answer thosedoors anyway and like Doug will
answer, he'll entertain it.
But we have I don't that areglass and I'm like I don't care
that they see me in here.
I'm not I don't want to do this.
Speaker 1 (01:14):
So yeah, I don't like it.
I mean, our neighborhood haslike no soliciting signs at
every entrance and they still doit and nobody's not meeting,
yeah, so, but anyways, what doyou have going on today?
Speaker 2 (01:29):
Well, we're gonna jump in quick today, yeah, cuz
I'm excited.
I am leaving here to go homeand pick up my mom and we are
driving up to celebrate Lily'sbirthday with her and Tell her
that's so cool you are I know,I'm very excited.
It's quick.
We're going up today and backtomorrow, which would be good
(01:49):
because then it gives me sometime to work and do some stuff
over there.
Yeah cool.
Speaker 1 (01:54):
Well, let's just go.
Your mom is.
Your mom is right for you, Ithink in the lobby right.
Speaker 2 (02:00):
She's ready, all right.
So today we're talking aboutNavigating the stages of
romantic Relationships.
Yes, and this is specific toromantic relationships.
We're not talking aboutfriendships, although I do
believe there is a an arc and atimeline of what happens with
(02:21):
With friendships andself-disclosure and how that
gets us closer.
But today we're talking aboutromantic yes.
So, and I can't count theamount of times that couples who
have come into session and theywhat they say I want my spark
back, or I wish we had the sameexcitement that we had in the
beginning of our relationship.
So I hate to be a dream crusherhere, but that's, it's not
(02:42):
going to happen.
Our bodies released a chemicalOxytocin when we first meet
someone and and we're physicallyattracted to them, right?
So this is like Physically,your body is acting different
and there is not a steady stateof oxytocin that's gonna be
available for you, your entirerelationship, right?
Speaker 1 (03:03):
Absolutely no.
Speaker 2 (03:04):
People can sometimes get stuck in the unhealthy cycle
of ending a relationship oncethey deem it stale or boring, in
Favor of finding something newand exciting.
So that's kind of what we'rewe're gonna talk about a little
bit.
Yeah, so because the new andexciting, it does become stale
If you don't understand that arelationship has a natural
progression and it takes work.
(03:26):
They say it because it's true.
It takes work.
So, so, although the intensityof attraction that's experienced
in the beginning of arelationship can diminish, it
really can be replaced byconnection that's more
meaningful, more joyous, deeper.
Yeah, so we thought it would bea good idea to share with
(03:47):
listeners some information aboutthe different stages of
relationships, help normalizesome of this for people and then
how we create more meaningfulConnection, no matter what stage
you're in.
So you might be in the earlystages of hopped up attraction
I'll hopped up on attraction andmaybe wishing, or you might be
(04:13):
in a stage where you're wishingthat you could get that back.
So, yeah, you might not be ableto rekindle the same kind of
fire that you have in thebeginning, but and you won't
right, it's not gonna be thesame, but you can create
something more profound.
So all relationships aredifferent and they all move at
their same pace.
So we're talking in a littlebit of generalities here, but
(04:37):
one thing is the same that allrelationships do change and they
do morph.
So unless you're ending yourrelationship in the honeymoon
stage, which we're gonna talkabout and break down the stages
that's the first one I promiseyou your relationship's gonna
change.
Yeah, I promise.
So let's break down what thedifferent stages of
(04:58):
relationships are.
And then I also wanna note thatit depends on who you ask and
what terms they use for stagesLike when.
I'm looking at some of theliterature on this.
Some people have 10 stages,some people use really clinical
terminology, some people, I meanso it's really different.
I picked like five to describeit that I think are kind of
(05:21):
generalized.
But don't get you know, you'renot gonna find these vetted in a
diagnostic and statisticalmanual of mental health.
Don't get bogged down by thetitles.
Speaker 1 (05:32):
Right for sure For sure.
Speaker 2 (05:34):
You wanna kick it off with the honeymoon stage.
Speaker 1 (05:36):
Yeah, so the honeymoon stage.
So this generally lasts up tosix months after the start of a
relationship, but you, you knowworking with couples.
You said that you've seen itlast from three months up to 15
months, but six months is likesort of the average.
So during this stage, yourbrain releases a flood of
dopamine and nor epinephrine,two neurotransmitters
(06:00):
responsible for that giddyeuphoric feeling that you get
right.
You're like oh my gosh, this isthe one of me.
Immediately, dopamine isinvolved in your brain's reward
system and the reward it makesyou crave the company of that
other person.
Right, right, right.
So this is that stage wheneverything just seems amazing.
(06:21):
Even though you're stillgetting to know that other
person, you both might feel youfound the right one, and,
despite things still being moreon the surface level, you have
the sense that you understandeach other deeply.
Both people are generally ontheir best behavior.
Speaker 2 (06:37):
And I think people who get a real high from this
dopamine stage might be thosethat could be labeled
relationship hoppers, right,because they're always looking
for the next big dopamine.
Speaker 1 (06:49):
That's high.
Yeah, for sure You're in thehoneymoon stage if you feel
euphoric just by thinking ofthat other person.
But red flags right.
So people can simulate thisfeeling that everything the
other person likes you like andit feels like you share the same
perspectives.
It can look like alignment, butyou're operating from an
(07:10):
idealized perspective and when Isaw this I was thinking about.
Runaway Bri which we talk about.
Runaway Bri, I love it.
But the egg thing again, oh, helikes scrambled eggs.
So I like scrambled eggs.
He likes first eggs, yes, Ilike first eggs.
And then you also tell yourclients that this is a stage
(07:31):
where you're actively lookingfor the things you like and
align on that.
You also encourage couples towork on this intentionally when
they feel like they'restruggling to connect.
Speaker 2 (07:41):
Yeah, that's part that fades, right Right.
So in the beginning it's justso damn easy to find all those
things you love about the otherperson, and then that becomes a
bit harder later, in the laterstage yeah for sure.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
And a second red flag is that people might ignore
other relationships andinterests in their lives when
they're in that honeymoon stagebecause they're focusing all of
their time and energy on thatrelationship.
So it's important to maintainthose other relationships and
your personal life, despitefeeling like you want your end
all be all focused to be on thisnew relationship.
Speaker 2 (08:16):
Yeah, that's hard.
Yeah, you know, you see a lotof like really.
I mean not just high school,because it happens all through
your life, but you see a lot oftimes in high school when people
all of a sudden they're like,oh, they're always with their
boyfriend or they're always withtheir boyfriend now.
They've totally forgotten aboutour friend group and it's like
you just become tunnel visionfor that person.
And then you have theuncertainty stage, which is the
(08:41):
second one.
So this typically is like sixmonths to up to two years, and
this stage we're going to breakdown a little bit more later in
the podcast, but it really canbe the toughest one for people,
because the honeymoon phase isjust so dang blissful, so, where
everything seems perfect andyou have all those feel good
(09:01):
hormones kicking around, thoseare going away Right.
So in this stage you start tonotice the things that irritate
you about your partner.
Yeah, like wait what You're notreally perfect, oh my gosh.
So and then at this pointquestions start to pop into your
head Like is this really theright person for me?
And I think people can reallycatastrophize a relationship in
(09:26):
this stage.
So remind yourself that yourpartner has flaws, and so do you
, and you may notice that you'refixating on the flaws.
So kind of take a pause andlook at it instead of those
flaws, how do they make you feeloverall?
Kind of refocus on that alittle bit.
But we'll break that one down alittle bit more.
Speaker 1 (09:46):
And then after that is the adjustment stage, and
that's after two years.
So at this point you start torecognize conflicts and
incompatibilities that are moredifficult to navigate.
This might include culturaldifferences, religious practices
, your family's culture andmorals.
So it's important to look at ifthese are challenges you
(10:07):
foresee being able to overcome,compromise and accommodate in
order for the relationship totransition to a long term
relationship.
So this stage is reallyimportant.
Start looking at yourcommunication styles, how you
handle conflict, what yourrelationship needs are and how
you both express and accept love.
Speaker 2 (10:28):
Yeah, and I'd like to put a shout out, for this is a
really good stage to go tocouples counseling.
I mean, I'm not pushingeverybody, but like this is you
can have these really like deep,healthy conversations in this
stage.
That will save a relationship.
(10:48):
And I think what happens issometimes people just try to
skip over this.
Yeah, they're going through it.
They may be having doubts, butthey're not truly investing in
intentional time andconversations into this stage.
Speaker 1 (11:05):
Right and you know, I think you know also just
thinking about like what you seein the world, you know, and
friends and family, maybe yourown relationships, even in the
past, that a lot of people gethung up on that that honeymoon
stage and they jump right intogetting married in that first
six months or yeah.
They get together, and I mean toeach their own.
(11:27):
But this is kind of a guidelineto help, you like, work your
relationship to a healthy levelso that when the stage is right
for you in the moment, right foryou to make those big decisions
like that, you'll have a better, you know, a healthier,
stronger relationship.
Speaker 2 (11:43):
So yeah, I tell people that you know that stage
got skipped in COVID, right yeah, and I think people decided to
move in together and I wouldjust tell you that my business
boomed in COVID.
It really took off so you knowthere's and that's saying, you
(12:05):
know that's because peopleskipped doing any of the work at
a time.
Speaker 1 (12:10):
Yeah, and you know, we just want the best for
everybody.
And also, I know if you're, ifyou're rushing that like you
don't really get to know allthese things about people, like
maybe they crunched their chipstoo loud and that's like you
know things like that.
So you know just the littlethings.
So it's important to giveyourself that time and if
they're the person for you,they're going to be the person
for you in a year or two yearsor or whatever it is.
Speaker 2 (12:32):
Right, exactly, and the adjustment stage is like the
cultural differences are big.
Those are the ones that thecrunching, the chips we can
probably navigate around, theones that end up in marriage
counseling are the ones thathaven't really looked at values
and morals, because that is whatwill go the distance.
Speaker 1 (12:51):
Oh for sure.
Speaker 2 (12:52):
And then the four stages commitment stage, so
that's after two years, or moreyears later, depending on you
know pace and tempo of eachcouple.
But this is when we start toaccept each other's flaws and
find that the positives you'regetting from the relationship
really outweigh the difficultiesand there's a level of comfort
(13:13):
that sets in so you can embracethe concept that, okay, I'm been
a long-term relationship, thishas legs and you know at this
date some couples experiencing adiminishing experience, a
diminishing of sexual intimacythis is pretty common, so that's
usually what I'm seeing in insession, that you know they
(13:33):
might be really happy with a lotof other areas they might be
co-parenting at this point, butthe lack of sexual intimacy.
So it's important that, as theexcitement and passion of the
beginning stages begin todissipate, that you really
continue to continue to lookgrowing how you can grow your
(13:53):
connection Right when you shakeup the routine and be vulnerable
with your partner so you cancontinue to deepen the
relationship.
Speaker 1 (14:01):
Right.
Speaker 2 (14:02):
Right yeah.
Speaker 1 (14:03):
For sure.
And then the acceptance stage.
That's after five or more years.
So this is the final stage.
This is really that goldennugget stage for couples,
because you experience a levelof connection that provides
safety and security.
The relationship providessupport as you focus on your own
personal goals.
Also, your partners are go-toperson for emotional support
(14:25):
because of what you've workedthrough together in those
previous stages.
So in this stage it can befrightening to think you may
lose your partner, so make sureyou continue to invest in each
other's and other relationshipsin your life, so you aren't
solely dependent on yoursignificant other.
Nothing that.
That's a big one for manypeople, because you want to do,
I mean you want to do everythingwith your best friend.
(14:48):
If your partner is your bestfriend, it's hard to be like, oh
, but you have to make thosetimes and I've seen people who
have lost their spouse.
Speaker 2 (14:59):
I've said I think before, as I get older, my
clients get older too.
But I've seen it with peoplewho lose their spouse and it is
very, very difficult to haveresiliency after that when you
have limited your outsidesupport system outside of your
spouse or partner.
Speaker 1 (15:19):
Right for sure.
And looking at this, I'm likedang me and Jason went through
all the stages before we gotmarried.
We hit year five and gotmarried.
So we worked hard on thatrelationship.
Yeah, yeah, we're gettingmarried and you know, talking
about yeah, I mean, andespecially with you because you
had children and Jason hadchildren.
So it's really important tomake sure that you're making
(15:41):
sure you know that they're theone I talk.
Speaker 2 (15:45):
Yes, with blended families like I get it.
You guys are so excited you gotout of this marriage that
wasn't serving you and nowyou're in this relationship and
it feels so awesome.
Slow your roll, Thank you.
Speaker 1 (15:58):
You have children.
Speaker 2 (15:59):
You have other things going on.
I promise you this, likeamazing feeling you have right
now that shit's not going tolast.
So you better make sure you'redoing all the other stages and
investing in these conversations, because you've got gatoes.
Speaker 1 (16:14):
Right, and you know it's okay to take your time
because, again, if they're theperson for you, they're still
going to be there for you,they're still going to be there.
So don't rush yourself.
Speaker 2 (16:23):
For sure, yes, yes, we're putting a lot of
exclamation points.
Speaker 1 (16:28):
Yeah, we are.
Speaker 2 (16:32):
Okay so let's talk about the second stage, the
uncertainty stage, yeah, andjust do say a couple things
about that, because this is alittle bit of the make or break
in a ball in a blossomingrelationship.
Speaker 1 (16:42):
So what are some?
Speaker 2 (16:43):
of the things you think are important for people
in that stage to focus on.
Speaker 1 (16:49):
I would say I don't know.
I feel like, for me, like focuson what you control is a big
one, because you can't controleverything.
Yep, Is that one?
That's one of the ones on yourlist?
Yeah, yeah, and I mean workingon working on trust, the trust
level, because I know that wesee that, so so much.
(17:10):
You know, being the clientcoordinator at your counseling
group, a lot of the messagesthat we get in trust is like the
number one thing trust andcommunication, trust and
communication.
Speaker 2 (17:21):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:21):
So maintaining that trust, working on that trust and
maintaining it, I think, is adefinite big one for sure.
Speaker 2 (17:26):
Yeah, and I think accepting what's going on right
If you want to survive the roughstage of the relationship,
acknowledge it.
So the best thing you can do isaccept that it and be like very
present focused rather thanfuture focused.
This is where we are right now.
Let's acknowledge that thispart's a little bit bumpier,
that we're coming out ofsomething that felt amazing and
(17:48):
just be very real about whatwe're experiencing.
So we're talking about how wewant to navigate this together.
Speaker 1 (17:56):
Yeah.
And then also like take note ofyour feelings, you know, like
listen and raise how you'refeeling.
So avoiding a negative emotionbuys you short-term gain at the
price of long-term gain.
Speaker 2 (18:09):
I like that, yeah, yeah, open up about it too right
.
Don't bottle the feelings up sothat's important as well and
don't question I think, ifthey're right for you, ask if
you're right for them.
Even if you're dating someonegreat, you might be wondering
like are they the one, are theythe one?
That's the question we seem toalways ask, are they the one?
But instead maybe ask yourselfare you the one for them?
(18:32):
Do you feel comfortable withthem?
Do you get along with them?
Do you respect them?
Because if you ask those hardquestions and the answer is like
I don't think so, it's notabout if they're right for you.
Have some self-esteem aroundwhat you deserve and what you
think is going to work for you.
Are you, is this a good fit foryou?
Speaker 1 (18:54):
Yeah, yeah.
And to go back on maintainingtrust to achieve that trust, you
need to prioritize thatspending time with each other.
You need to be committed andconsistent, be there when they
need you Be more engaged andresponsive and set boundaries as
necessary.
Those are all important inorder to achieve that trust.
(19:18):
When you're trying to build andmaintain that trust, Right yeah
, and have fun.
Speaker 2 (19:24):
Right yeah, we want to remember to have fun.
You don't want to hold yourselfback because of the uncertainty
that you're feeling.
So dating is supposed to be afun experience.
So the time that you spend witheach other helps determine if
you're going to move forward inthe relationship, but enjoy it
while you're going through it.
Speaker 1 (19:40):
Exactly, and I did want to talk about a book
because we love the Gottmansright.
Yes, Gotten Institute, but thelove prescription I don't know
if you have it.
Speaker 2 (19:51):
I don't have it.
Speaker 1 (19:54):
It's like a quick seven-day thing that you can do
with your partner, but it'sseven days to more intimacy,
connection and joy and it'sreally cool and interesting and
it's not very fixy, it's notlike you have to read too much.
You read it a day at a time foreach day.
But I'm going to link that inthe show notes too.
Perfect, because we all knowthe Gottmans are like the gurus
(20:14):
for relationships and all thatkind of stuff.
So I'm going to link that inthe show notes.
All right, anything you want toadd before we get to our Aston
answered.
Speaker 2 (20:24):
I think I'm ready for Aston answered.
Okay, we have.
Speaker 1 (20:26):
Michael in Frisco City.
He says my wife and I have beenmarried for 12 years.
I recently found out thatduring the third year of our
marriage she cheated on me buthasn't since.
I can't seem to let it go, evenif it was almost a decade ago.
Any advice on how to moveforward?
I do love her and want to dowith her, but in the back of my
(20:48):
mind I constantly think she isgoing to cheat again.
Speaker 2 (20:52):
That's a valid feeling.
Yeah, and the first thing Iwould say is that it might have
happened a decade ago, but inyour mind it just happened,
because you just found out, solet yourself off the hook about
when it happened.
This is new information to youthat your mind is just now
starting to process, so and thenreally have a conversation as
(21:13):
if it just happened, because thediscovery is timely, and so you
get to start asking all of thequestions.
and she wants to stay in thismarriage and we've talked about
this in the infidelity you knowepisode.
But then she needs to beaccountable for answering those
(21:35):
things.
Speaker 1 (21:35):
And.
Speaker 2 (21:36):
I've been talking a lot about accountability.
I think we have such a negativeword like a negative
connotation aroundaccountability, like you need to
be accountable, but it justmeans account for, so account
for what was going on at thattime you know, and be honest and
transparent about what washappening.
I'd be curious to know moreinformation of why it surfaced
(21:59):
now yeah, almost 10 years later.
But but I you are allowed totreat it as if it just happened,
because for you it did, it did.
Speaker 1 (22:09):
Yeah, and give yourself grace, and she needs to
give you grace, and you alsoneed to give her grace to give,
to have that conversation inorder to have an open you know
open line of communication andthen also reach out to a
couple's counselor, becausethat's what they're there for.
They'll help you, you know, digthrough and figure everything
out and at that point then youcan decide what's best for you
(22:32):
in the long run.
Speaker 2 (22:34):
Yeah, and look at what was going on in your lives
and in your relationship at thattime and then a real solution,
focused perspective.
Why didn't she cheat again,right?
Did she have buyback into themarriage and what was happening
for her and what was going on inthe last decade?
That she stayed faithful andturned back towards her husband,
(22:55):
right?
Speaker 1 (22:56):
So yeah, absolutely Well.
Good luck, Michael.
Good luck, All right.
Thank you to our listeners forjoining us today.
If you enjoyed today's episode,please leave us a review on
Apple podcast.
This will help us move up thechart and be more accessible to
new listeners.
You can also follow us onInstagram and Facebook.
We'll drop tips and informationabout upcoming episodes.
If you have a question for ourasked and answered segment,
(23:19):
email us ataskusatspillingthetheritycom.
Don't forget to check out ournew website,
spillingthetheritycom.
We'll continue to add resourcesand information there.
I hope everyone has a greatweekend, especially you, Kathy
Dan.
Speaker 2 (23:33):
We are your hosts, Kathy Dan Moore and Jess Lowe
and join us next time we'regoing to talk about grief and
life after loss, where we'll bebreaking it down one sip at a
time.
Welcome back to Spilling the Therati with
therapist Kathy Dan Moore andgrief coach Jess Lowe.
Hey Kathy Dan, hi Jess.
How's it going?
It's going good, except for myneighbor's getting a new roof.
Oh, so they're probably it'sloud like it's not Like super
loud for me, but the dogs arelike huffin, you know All like
(00:22):
all day.
So if anyone here any hammering, I'm so sorry.
I've tried to like get in thespot where, like you wouldn't
hear it, but they're finishingup today, so hopefully, that's
good, that is after yeah.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
Yeah, new roofs are expensive.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
Yeah, and we've had like four different roofing
companies in our neighborhoodover the past month trying to
get everybody get new roofs.
And I'm like it's hurricaneseason, like you know, and also
like our neighborhoods like amajor no soliciting neighborhood
and they're knocking on doorsat like 730 PM like it's a
(00:56):
little late if you're gonna be.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
Yeah, no yeah.
I don't like to answer thosedoors anyway and like Doug will
answer, he'll entertain it.
But we have I don't that areglass and I'm like I don't care
that they see me in here.
I'm not I don't want to do this.
Speaker 1 (01:14):
So yeah, I don't like it.
I mean, our neighborhood haslike no soliciting signs at
every entrance and they still doit and nobody's not meeting,
yeah, so, but anyways, what doyou have going on today?
Speaker 2 (01:29):
Well, we're gonna jump in quick today, yeah, cuz
I'm excited.
I am leaving here to go homeand pick up my mom and we are
driving up to celebrate Lily'sbirthday with her and Tell her
that's so cool you are I know,I'm very excited.
It's quick.
We're going up today and backtomorrow, which would be good
(01:49):
because then it gives me sometime to work and do some stuff
over there.
Yeah cool.
Speaker 1 (01:54):
Well, let's just go.
Your mom is.
Your mom is right for you, Ithink in the lobby right.
Speaker 2 (02:00):
She's ready, all right.
So today we're talking aboutNavigating the stages of
romantic Relationships.
Yes, and this is specific toromantic relationships.
We're not talking aboutfriendships, although I do
believe there is a an arc and atimeline of what happens with
(02:21):
With friendships andself-disclosure and how that
gets us closer.
But today we're talking aboutromantic yes.
So, and I can't count theamount of times that couples who
have come into session and theywhat they say I want my spark
back, or I wish we had the sameexcitement that we had in the
beginning of our relationship.
So I hate to be a dream crusherhere, but that's, it's not
(02:42):
going to happen.
Our bodies released a chemicalOxytocin when we first meet
someone and and we're physicallyattracted to them, right?
So this is like Physically,your body is acting different
and there is not a steady stateof oxytocin that's gonna be
available for you, your entirerelationship, right?
Speaker 1 (03:03):
Absolutely no.
Speaker 2 (03:04):
People can sometimes get stuck in the unhealthy cycle
of ending a relationship oncethey deem it stale or boring, in
Favor of finding something newand exciting.
So that's kind of what we'rewe're gonna talk about a little
bit.
Yeah, so because the new andexciting, it does become stale
If you don't understand that arelationship has a natural
progression and it takes work.
(03:26):
They say it because it's true.
It takes work.
So, so, although the intensityof attraction that's experienced
in the beginning of arelationship can diminish, it
really can be replaced byconnection that's more
meaningful, more joyous, deeper.
Yeah, so we thought it would bea good idea to share with
(03:47):
listeners some information aboutthe different stages of
relationships, help normalizesome of this for people and then
how we create more meaningfulConnection, no matter what stage
you're in.
So you might be in the earlystages of hopped up attraction
I'll hopped up on attraction andmaybe wishing, or you might be
(04:13):
in a stage where you're wishingthat you could get that back.
So, yeah, you might not be ableto rekindle the same kind of
fire that you have in thebeginning, but and you won't
right, it's not gonna be thesame, but you can create
something more profound.
So all relationships aredifferent and they all move at
their same pace.
So we're talking in a littlebit of generalities here, but
(04:37):
one thing is the same that allrelationships do change and they
do morph.
So unless you're ending yourrelationship in the honeymoon
stage, which we're gonna talkabout and break down the stages
that's the first one I promiseyou your relationship's gonna
change.
Yeah, I promise.
So let's break down what thedifferent stages of
(04:58):
relationships are.
And then I also wanna note thatit depends on who you ask and
what terms they use for stagesLike when.
I'm looking at some of theliterature on this.
Some people have 10 stages,some people use really clinical
terminology, some people, I meanso it's really different.
I picked like five to describeit that I think are kind of
(05:21):
generalized.
But don't get you know, you'renot gonna find these vetted in a
diagnostic and statisticalmanual of mental health.
Don't get bogged down by thetitles.
Speaker 1 (05:32):
Right for sure For sure.
Speaker 2 (05:34):
You wanna kick it off with the honeymoon stage.
Speaker 1 (05:36):
Yeah, so the honeymoon stage.
So this generally lasts up tosix months after the start of a
relationship, but you, you knowworking with couples.
You said that you've seen itlast from three months up to 15
months, but six months is likesort of the average.
So during this stage, yourbrain releases a flood of
dopamine and nor epinephrine,two neurotransmitters
(06:00):
responsible for that giddyeuphoric feeling that you get
right.
You're like oh my gosh, this isthe one of me.
Immediately, dopamine isinvolved in your brain's reward
system and the reward it makesyou crave the company of that
other person.
Right, right, right.
So this is that stage wheneverything just seems amazing.
(06:21):
Even though you're stillgetting to know that other
person, you both might feel youfound the right one, and,
despite things still being moreon the surface level, you have
the sense that you understandeach other deeply.
Both people are generally ontheir best behavior.
Speaker 2 (06:37):
And I think people who get a real high from this
dopamine stage might be thosethat could be labeled
relationship hoppers, right,because they're always looking
for the next big dopamine.
Speaker 1 (06:49):
That's high.
Yeah, for sure You're in thehoneymoon stage if you feel
euphoric just by thinking ofthat other person.
But red flags right.
So people can simulate thisfeeling that everything the
other person likes you like andit feels like you share the same
perspectives.
It can look like alignment, butyou're operating from an
(07:10):
idealized perspective and when Isaw this I was thinking about.
Runaway Bri which we talk about.
Runaway Bri, I love it.
But the egg thing again, oh, helikes scrambled eggs.
So I like scrambled eggs.
He likes first eggs, yes, Ilike first eggs.
And then you also tell yourclients that this is a stage
(07:31):
where you're actively lookingfor the things you like and
align on that.
You also encourage couples towork on this intentionally when
they feel like they'restruggling to connect.
Speaker 2 (07:41):
Yeah, that's part that fades, right Right.
So in the beginning it's justso damn easy to find all those
things you love about the otherperson, and then that becomes a
bit harder later, in the laterstage yeah for sure.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
And a second red flag is that people might ignore
other relationships andinterests in their lives when
they're in that honeymoon stagebecause they're focusing all of
their time and energy on thatrelationship.
So it's important to maintainthose other relationships and
your personal life, despitefeeling like you want your end
all be all focused to be on thisnew relationship.
Speaker 2 (08:16):
Yeah, that's hard.
Yeah, you know, you see a lotof like really.
I mean not just high school,because it happens all through
your life, but you see a lot oftimes in high school when people
all of a sudden they're like,oh, they're always with their
boyfriend or they're always withtheir boyfriend now.
They've totally forgotten aboutour friend group and it's like
you just become tunnel visionfor that person.
And then you have theuncertainty stage, which is the
(08:41):
second one.
So this typically is like sixmonths to up to two years, and
this stage we're going to breakdown a little bit more later in
the podcast, but it really canbe the toughest one for people,
because the honeymoon phase isjust so dang blissful, so, where
everything seems perfect andyou have all those feel good
(09:01):
hormones kicking around, thoseare going away Right.
So in this stage you start tonotice the things that irritate
you about your partner.
Yeah, like wait what You're notreally perfect, oh my gosh.
So and then at this pointquestions start to pop into your
head Like is this really theright person for me?
And I think people can reallycatastrophize a relationship in
(09:26):
this stage.
So remind yourself that yourpartner has flaws, and so do you
, and you may notice that you'refixating on the flaws.
So kind of take a pause andlook at it instead of those
flaws, how do they make you feeloverall?
Kind of refocus on that alittle bit.
But we'll break that one down alittle bit more.
Speaker 1 (09:46):
And then after that is the adjustment stage, and
that's after two years.
So at this point you start torecognize conflicts and
incompatibilities that are moredifficult to navigate.
This might include culturaldifferences, religious practices
, your family's culture andmorals.
So it's important to look at ifthese are challenges you
(10:07):
foresee being able to overcome,compromise and accommodate in
order for the relationship totransition to a long term
relationship.
So this stage is reallyimportant.
Start looking at yourcommunication styles, how you
handle conflict, what yourrelationship needs are and how
you both express and accept love.
Speaker 2 (10:28):
Yeah, and I'd like to put a shout out, for this is a
really good stage to go tocouples counseling.
I mean, I'm not pushingeverybody, but like this is you
can have these really like deep,healthy conversations in this
stage.
That will save a relationship.
(10:48):
And I think what happens issometimes people just try to
skip over this.
Yeah, they're going through it.
They may be having doubts, butthey're not truly investing in
intentional time andconversations into this stage.
Speaker 1 (11:05):
Right and you know, I think you know also just
thinking about like what you seein the world, you know, and
friends and family, maybe yourown relationships, even in the
past, that a lot of people gethung up on that that honeymoon
stage and they jump right intogetting married in that first
six months or yeah.
They get together, and I mean toeach their own.
(11:27):
But this is kind of a guidelineto help, you like, work your
relationship to a healthy levelso that when the stage is right
for you in the moment, right foryou to make those big decisions
like that, you'll have a better, you know, a healthier,
stronger relationship.
Speaker 2 (11:43):
So yeah, I tell people that you know that stage
got skipped in COVID, right yeah, and I think people decided to
move in together and I wouldjust tell you that my business
boomed in COVID.
It really took off so you knowthere's and that's saying, you
(12:05):
know that's because peopleskipped doing any of the work at
a time.
Speaker 1 (12:10):
Yeah, and you know, we just want the best for
everybody.
And also, I know if you're, ifyou're rushing that like you
don't really get to know allthese things about people, like
maybe they crunched their chipstoo loud and that's like you
know things like that.
So you know just the littlethings.
So it's important to giveyourself that time and if
they're the person for you,they're going to be the person
for you in a year or two yearsor or whatever it is.
Speaker 2 (12:32):
Right, exactly, and the adjustment stage is like the
cultural differences are big.
Those are the ones that thecrunching, the chips we can
probably navigate around, theones that end up in marriage
counseling are the ones thathaven't really looked at values
and morals, because that is whatwill go the distance.
Speaker 1 (12:51):
Oh for sure.
Speaker 2 (12:52):
And then the four stages commitment stage, so
that's after two years, or moreyears later, depending on you
know pace and tempo of eachcouple.
But this is when we start toaccept each other's flaws and
find that the positives you'regetting from the relationship
really outweigh the difficultiesand there's a level of comfort
(13:13):
that sets in so you can embracethe concept that, okay, I'm been
a long-term relationship, thishas legs and you know at this
date some couples experiencing adiminishing experience, a
diminishing of sexual intimacythis is pretty common, so that's
usually what I'm seeing in insession, that you know they
(13:33):
might be really happy with a lotof other areas they might be
co-parenting at this point, butthe lack of sexual intimacy.
So it's important that, as theexcitement and passion of the
beginning stages begin todissipate, that you really
continue to continue to lookgrowing how you can grow your
(13:53):
connection Right when you shakeup the routine and be vulnerable
with your partner so you cancontinue to deepen the
relationship.
Speaker 1 (14:01):
Right.
Speaker 2 (14:02):
Right yeah.
Speaker 1 (14:03):
For sure.
And then the acceptance stage.
That's after five or more years.
So this is the final stage.
This is really that goldennugget stage for couples,
because you experience a levelof connection that provides
safety and security.
The relationship providessupport as you focus on your own
personal goals.
Also, your partners are go-toperson for emotional support
(14:25):
because of what you've workedthrough together in those
previous stages.
So in this stage it can befrightening to think you may
lose your partner, so make sureyou continue to invest in each
other's and other relationshipsin your life, so you aren't
solely dependent on yoursignificant other.
Nothing that.
That's a big one for manypeople, because you want to do,
I mean you want to do everythingwith your best friend.
(14:48):
If your partner is your bestfriend, it's hard to be like, oh
, but you have to make thosetimes and I've seen people who
have lost their spouse.
Speaker 2 (14:59):
I've said I think before, as I get older, my
clients get older too.
But I've seen it with peoplewho lose their spouse and it is
very, very difficult to haveresiliency after that when you
have limited your outsidesupport system outside of your
spouse or partner.
Speaker 1 (15:19):
Right for sure.
And looking at this, I'm likedang me and Jason went through
all the stages before we gotmarried.
We hit year five and gotmarried.
So we worked hard on thatrelationship.
Yeah, yeah, we're gettingmarried and you know, talking
about yeah, I mean, andespecially with you because you
had children and Jason hadchildren.
So it's really important tomake sure that you're making
(15:41):
sure you know that they're theone I talk.
Speaker 2 (15:45):
Yes, with blended families like I get it.
You guys are so excited you gotout of this marriage that
wasn't serving you and nowyou're in this relationship and
it feels so awesome.
Slow your roll, Thank you.
Speaker 1 (15:58):
You have children.
Speaker 2 (15:59):
You have other things going on.
I promise you this, likeamazing feeling you have right
now that shit's not going tolast.
So you better make sure you'redoing all the other stages and
investing in these conversations, because you've got gatoes.
Speaker 1 (16:14):
Right, and you know it's okay to take your time
because, again, if they're theperson for you, they're still
going to be there for you,they're still going to be there.
So don't rush yourself.
Speaker 2 (16:23):
For sure, yes, yes, we're putting a lot of
exclamation points.
Speaker 1 (16:28):
Yeah, we are.
Speaker 2 (16:32):
Okay so let's talk about the second stage, the
uncertainty stage, yeah, andjust do say a couple things
about that, because this is alittle bit of the make or break
in a ball in a blossomingrelationship.
Speaker 1 (16:42):
So what are some?
Speaker 2 (16:43):
of the things you think are important for people
in that stage to focus on.
Speaker 1 (16:49):
I would say I don't know.
I feel like, for me, like focuson what you control is a big
one, because you can't controleverything.
Yep, Is that one?
That's one of the ones on yourlist?
Yeah, yeah, and I mean workingon working on trust, the trust
level, because I know that wesee that, so so much.
(17:10):
You know, being the clientcoordinator at your counseling
group, a lot of the messagesthat we get in trust is like the
number one thing trust andcommunication, trust and
communication.
Speaker 2 (17:21):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:21):
So maintaining that trust, working on that trust and
maintaining it, I think, is adefinite big one for sure.
Speaker 2 (17:26):
Yeah, and I think accepting what's going on right
If you want to survive the roughstage of the relationship,
acknowledge it.
So the best thing you can do isaccept that it and be like very
present focused rather thanfuture focused.
This is where we are right now.
Let's acknowledge that thispart's a little bit bumpier,
that we're coming out ofsomething that felt amazing and
(17:48):
just be very real about whatwe're experiencing.
So we're talking about how wewant to navigate this together.
Speaker 1 (17:56):
Yeah.
And then also like take note ofyour feelings, you know, like
listen and raise how you'refeeling.
So avoiding a negative emotionbuys you short-term gain at the
price of long-term gain.
Speaker 2 (18:09):
I like that, yeah, yeah, open up about it too right
.
Don't bottle the feelings up sothat's important as well and
don't question I think, ifthey're right for you, ask if
you're right for them.
Even if you're dating someonegreat, you might be wondering
like are they the one, are theythe one?
That's the question we seem toalways ask, are they the one?
But instead maybe ask yourselfare you the one for them?
(18:32):
Do you feel comfortable withthem?
Do you get along with them?
Do you respect them?
Because if you ask those hardquestions and the answer is like
I don't think so, it's notabout if they're right for you.
Have some self-esteem aroundwhat you deserve and what you
think is going to work for you.
Are you, is this a good fit foryou?
Speaker 1 (18:54):
Yeah, yeah.
And to go back on maintainingtrust to achieve that trust, you
need to prioritize thatspending time with each other.
You need to be committed andconsistent, be there when they
need you Be more engaged andresponsive and set boundaries as
necessary.
Those are all important inorder to achieve that trust.
(19:18):
When you're trying to build andmaintain that trust, Right yeah
, and have fun.
Speaker 2 (19:24):
Right yeah, we want to remember to have fun.
You don't want to hold yourselfback because of the uncertainty
that you're feeling.
So dating is supposed to be afun experience.
So the time that you spend witheach other helps determine if
you're going to move forward inthe relationship, but enjoy it
while you're going through it.
Speaker 1 (19:40):
Exactly, and I did want to talk about a book
because we love the Gottmansright.
Yes, Gotten Institute, but thelove prescription I don't know
if you have it.
Speaker 2 (19:51):
I don't have it.
Speaker 1 (19:54):
It's like a quick seven-day thing that you can do
with your partner, but it'sseven days to more intimacy,
connection and joy and it'sreally cool and interesting and
it's not very fixy, it's notlike you have to read too much.
You read it a day at a time foreach day.
But I'm going to link that inthe show notes too.
Perfect, because we all knowthe Gottmans are like the gurus
(20:14):
for relationships and all thatkind of stuff.
So I'm going to link that inthe show notes.
All right, anything you want toadd before we get to our Aston
answered.
Speaker 2 (20:24):
I think I'm ready for Aston answered.
Okay, we have.
Speaker 1 (20:26):
Michael in Frisco City.
He says my wife and I have beenmarried for 12 years.
I recently found out thatduring the third year of our
marriage she cheated on me buthasn't since.
I can't seem to let it go, evenif it was almost a decade ago.
Any advice on how to moveforward?
I do love her and want to dowith her, but in the back of my
(20:48):
mind I constantly think she isgoing to cheat again.
Speaker 2 (20:52):
That's a valid feeling.
Yeah, and the first thing Iwould say is that it might have
happened a decade ago, but inyour mind it just happened,
because you just found out, solet yourself off the hook about
when it happened.
This is new information to youthat your mind is just now
starting to process, so and thenreally have a conversation as
(21:13):
if it just happened, because thediscovery is timely, and so you
get to start asking all of thequestions.
and she wants to stay in thismarriage and we've talked about
this in the infidelity you knowepisode.
But then she needs to beaccountable for answering those
(21:35):
things.
Speaker 1 (21:35):
And.
Speaker 2 (21:36):
I've been talking a lot about accountability.
I think we have such a negativeword like a negative
connotation aroundaccountability, like you need to
be accountable, but it justmeans account for, so account
for what was going on at thattime you know, and be honest and
transparent about what washappening.
I'd be curious to know moreinformation of why it surfaced
(21:59):
now yeah, almost 10 years later.
But but I you are allowed totreat it as if it just happened,
because for you it did, it did.
Speaker 1 (22:09):
Yeah, and give yourself grace, and she needs to
give you grace, and you alsoneed to give her grace to give,
to have that conversation inorder to have an open you know
open line of communication andthen also reach out to a
couple's counselor, becausethat's what they're there for.
They'll help you, you know, digthrough and figure everything
out and at that point then youcan decide what's best for you
(22:32):
in the long run.
Speaker 2 (22:34):
Yeah, and look at what was going on in your lives
and in your relationship at thattime and then a real solution,
focused perspective.
Why didn't she cheat again,right?
Did she have buyback into themarriage and what was happening
for her and what was going on inthe last decade?
That she stayed faithful andturned back towards her husband,
(22:55):
right?
Speaker 1 (22:56):
So yeah, absolutely Well.
Good luck, Michael.
Good luck, All right.
Thank you to our listeners forjoining us today.
If you enjoyed today's episode,please leave us a review on
Apple podcast.
This will help us move up thechart and be more accessible to
new listeners.
You can also follow us onInstagram and Facebook.
We'll drop tips and informationabout upcoming episodes.
If you have a question for ourasked and answered segment,
(23:19):
email us ataskusatspillingthetheritycom.
Don't forget to check out ournew website,
spillingthetheritycom.
We'll continue to add resourcesand information there.
I hope everyone has a greatweekend, especially you, Kathy
Dan.
Speaker 2 (23:33):
We are your hosts, Kathy Dan Moore and Jess Lowe
and join us next time we'regoing to talk about grief and
life after loss, where we'll bebreaking it down one sip at a
time.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang
Ding dong! Join your culture consultants, Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang, on an unforgettable journey into the beating heart of CULTURE. Alongside sizzling special guests, they GET INTO the hottest pop-culture moments of the day and the formative cultural experiences that turned them into Culturistas. Produced by the Big Money Players Network and iHeartRadio.