December 22, 2023 • 22 mins
Discover the hidden facets of child neglect with KathDan Moore and Jess Lowe, as we unravel the complex layers of this often-overlooked issue. Whether it's the lack of basic necessities or the subtler forms of emotional neglect, our latest conversation on Spilling the Thera Tea promises to equip you with the knowledge to recognize and respond to the signs. Join us for an eye-opening discussion that highlights the importance of community vigilance and the profound difference presence and attention can make in a child's life.
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STATE CONTACT INFO: https://www.childwelfare.gov/organizations/?CWIGFunctionsaction=rols:main.dspList&rolType=custom&rs_id=5
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DISCLAIMER: This podcast is for educational purposes only and does not replace the advice you may be receiving from a licensed therapist.This podcast and website represents the opinions of KathyDan Moore, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Grief Coach Jess Lowe, and their guests to the show and website. The content here should not be taken as medical advice.
The content here is for informational purposes only, and because each person is so unique, please consult your healthcare professional for any medical questions.Views and opinions expressed in the podcast and website are our own. While we make every effort to ensure that the information we are sharing is accurate, we welcome any comments, suggestions, or correction of errors.
Privacy is of utmost importance to us. All people, places, and scenarios mentioned in the podcast have been changed to protect patient confidentiality.This website or podcast should not be used in any legal capacity whatsoever, including but not limited to establishing “standard of care” in a legal sense or as a basis for expert witness testimony.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome back to Spilling the Thera Tea with
therapist Kathy Dianne Moore andgrief coach Jess Lowe.
Hey, kathy Dianne, how are you.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
I am great.
Good afternoon, how are you?
Speaker 1 (00:09):
I'm good, I'm glad tomorrow's Friday has it been a
week for you?
It has been a week.
I don't know what it is, Idon't know if it's just.
Like you know, my dog's beensick and I just came back from
seeing you and so then myhusband left like the day after.
So just trying to get back intolike normal routine.
Speaker 2 (00:28):
And there's no normal routine when it's like about to
be, like we're in the throes ofthe holiday and all the to-dos
yes, like that's when I decidedto redo part of my house which,
by the way, the painting debaclecontinues because I put the
stuff on that the woman at Acetold me to put on, and she was
(00:53):
very confident and I will sayit's a little bit better, but if
I run my fingernail over thispaint it will still come off.
Speaker 1 (01:02):
Do you all not have a Sherwin Williams?
You need an actual paint store,ace hardware, they're not a
paint store.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
I know, I know.
Speaker 1 (01:09):
They're just like random.
Speaker 2 (01:11):
I'm going to finish the blue on the wall or on the
doors, and now and then, I'mgoing to add a protectant coat
over it.
Speaker 1 (01:21):
I have an idea.
Yeah, what if you did awallpaper on your?
Speaker 2 (01:25):
door.
I can't do it on my own now.
Oh, because I was like I guessI could hire somebody to do it.
Now you just got my wheelsspinning.
Speaker 1 (01:36):
I'm just saying, I wouldn't that be cool.
Speaker 2 (01:38):
It would, and I do love a wallpaper.
Speaker 1 (01:42):
I'm not going to lie.
Me too, me too.
Speaker 2 (01:45):
Yeah, so we'll see.
I've got somebody building thebookcase and I might have told
you this.
I don't know, but he was likeyeah, the bookcase.
You basically want a newbookcase that's going to look
like you got it from your greataunt, tilly and I was, like you
know reading my mind.
That's all I want.
That's what I want.
All right, are you ready tojump into today?
(02:06):
I am, I am ready, okay.
So today's going to be a littlebit shorter?
I think yeah, but we say thatsometimes and then I trail off
into 15 directions and it's notshorter at all.
So we'll see.
But we're talking about neglect, so, and neglect can be kind of
hard to spot.
So we've got some advice on thedifferent types, on some signs
(02:27):
of neglect, what you can do ifyou're worried specifically
about a child so overarchinglyright, neglected, the ongoing
failure to meet a child's basicneeds and the most common form
of child abuse, so a child mightbe left hungry or dirty or
without proper clothing, shelter, supervision that's the one I
(02:48):
saw a lot when I did in hometherapy at a nonprofit or not
getting proper healthcare right.
So this can put kids, youngpeople, in danger.
And then what we're reallyconcerned about not only is the
danger that happens right then,but also what the long-term
effects are on their physicaland mental well being.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
Yeah, so we're going to start by talking about, like,
the different types of neglect.
There's a lot of different typeswhich can make it hard to spot,
but broadly speaking, there arefour types, so you're going to
obviously see like physicalneglect, so a child's basic
needs, such as food, clothing orshelter, they're not met or
they're not properly supervisedor kept safe.
Yeah, educational neglect.
(03:32):
So a parent doesn't ensure thattheir child is given an
education and you see that morethan you would think you know
happening.
Emotional neglect, where achild doesn't get the nurture
and stimulation that they need.
This could be through ignoring,humiliating, intimidating or
isolating them.
Speaker 2 (03:51):
Yeah, I'm going to wax on a little bit about
emotional neglect in a minute.
I want to pop back to theeducational neglect.
One of the things I remember.
This is why it's never as shortas we think it's going to be.
One of the things that Iremember is that there's also a
really big socioeconomicdifference in prioritization of
(04:15):
education and what neglectreally looks like versus when
it's just not as prioritized insome homes because they frankly
don't have the time, money andsupervision to prioritize it.
So I remember noticing a reallybig difference in how much I
(04:35):
prioritized education with mychildren and what I saw in other
families where they had biggerneeds that were just
monopolizing the bandwidth withwhich they could pay attention
to their family.
Speaker 1 (04:52):
Right yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:53):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (04:54):
And then the last one is medical neglect.
So a child is a given properhealth care.
This includes dental care andrefusing or ignoring medical
recommendations altogether.
Speaker 2 (05:03):
Yeah, yeah.
So with the emotional piece Iwanted to say a little bit about
differentiating betweenemotional abuse because I talk
about that in my practice a lotand emotional neglect.
They're not the same thing, sothey're different in how they
happen and they're different inhow they affect children in the
(05:26):
moment and in the future.
So emotional abuse is an act,whereas emotional neglect is a
failure to act.
So a quick example if a kiddois playing basketball, and let's
say he really had a rough gameand didn't do well.
(05:47):
and the parent comes up to kiddoA, let's say John and says like
John, I can't believe I evenleft work for you for this.
Like, you played horribly.
I mean, what a waste of my timeversus that, so right.
Versus the kid who we'll callhim Steve, who is done with the
(06:08):
basketball game and he's lookingaround and his parents aren't
there and they didn't show upand he starts to go like does he
even know I'm on the team?
Do I even matter?
Yeah, that's right.
So that's the difference.
So people like I talk about,like the treatment of a car,
right, instead of you're pullinginto a parking spot with care,
(06:28):
you know, and you allow thingsto bump along the side, right.
If you're bumping into theparking spot right and you don't
even care about it, right,you're abusing your car versus
if you're not taking your car infor oil changes and things like
that, you're neglecting it.
(06:50):
So the emotional abuse doesinvolve the action of not taking
care, hurting something right.
So your parents have to dosomething to emotionally abuse
you.
So name calling, insults,remarks with contempt, swearing
at you, right Neglect is they'rein action.
(07:11):
So when they're failing to dosomething that you need.
And we can talk more about whatsort of the butterfly effect is
of those two different things.
But they're not the same.
So it just ought to beimportant to kind of point that
out.
Both harmful, Both harmful,Both harmful.
Speaker 1 (07:31):
Absolutely, absolutely.
So let's talk about the signsof neglect.
Yeah, Again, it's verydifficult to spot at times.
Having one of the signs doesn'tnecessarily mean a child is
being neglected, but if younotice multiple signs that last
for a while, they might showthere's a serious problem.
Children and young people whoare neglected might have like
(07:53):
they might be dirty or smelly,they could be hungry or not
given money for food, like atschool.
Having unwashed clothing,having the wrong clothing, like
if it's wintertime and theydon't have a jacket, and then
having frequent and untreatedlike nappy, like rash as an
infant, so diaper rash, you know.
(08:15):
And then, there's also likehealth and development, problems
also that can arise, such asanemia, body issues like poor
muscle tone and prominent joints, medical dental issues.
That's seen a lot A lot ofdental issues missed medical
appointments, like theirvaccinations or wellness
(08:36):
checkups, if they're not giventhe correct medication for what
they need.
Poor language or social skills,regular illness or infection if
they're always getting sick.
Repeated accidents, skin issues, rashes, way bites, thin or
swollen tummies, tiredness,untreated injuries and even
(08:59):
weight and growth issues as well.
Speaker 2 (09:01):
And these are things that can also be happening due
to just a child, that it has animmune deficiency or you know.
So this isn't, we're notnecessarily saying these are
obvious signs that neglect isgoing on.
They're warning signs.
Speaker 1 (09:20):
They're warning signs .
There's something to just kindof keep on your radar If you're
not noticing improvements,especially if you're, like a
mandated reporter, like you needto kind of keep your eye on
these.
Speaker 2 (09:30):
You know these sort of things, so yeah, and even if
you're not a mandated reporterand you see something like that,
you can always call ananonymous which will have that
link going.
Speaker 1 (09:40):
We'll show it in a link If you wanna talk about
like some housing.
Speaker 2 (09:43):
The ones off the hook for making sure kids are safe
is what we're trying to say, Ifeel like everybody's, a
mandated reporter we should allbe.
Speaker 1 (09:50):
Yeah, I think so too.
Okay, you wanna go over likehousing, family issues and
things like that.
Speaker 2 (09:55):
So if they're living in an unsuitable home
environment, like they don'thave any heat, golly day that is
not good.
You know me, I like it withinlike one to two degrees in my
house, very finely attuned tothe temperature.
So being left alone for a longtime, taking on the role of the
caregiver for other familymembers, you know, if you're
(10:18):
noticing that kids are becomingclingy or they're becoming
aggressive, any kind of likeswitch in behavior I think can
be a warning sign.
If they're withdrawn or anxious, if there's and again these are
just signs to go like, hey,let's touch base, let's check in
on this.
But if you notice changes ineating habits or sort of
(10:39):
obsessive behaviors, if they'refinding it hard to concentrate,
take part in activities reallyteachers are gonna be ones that
are gonna see a lot of this toomissing school and obviously any
kind of signs of self harm orthe use of drugs, alcohol, we're
wanting to check in.
Speaker 1 (10:58):
Just we're wanting to check in, you know.
Yeah, and then sometimes thechild will reveal abuse or
neglect as well on their own.
So a child who's beingneglected might not realize
what's happening as well.
Speaker 2 (11:11):
They might just think that's just life.
It's normal for them, right?
Speaker 1 (11:15):
So they might even blame themselves.
But if a child talks to youabout neglect, it's important to
do these things.
Listen carefully to whatthey're saying.
Let them know that they've donethe right thing by telling you,
so that gives them someone tofeel safe, you know a safe space
for them.
Let them know that it's nottheir fault.
Say that you're taking themseriously, which probably they
(11:37):
probably don't have anyone elsethat does that for them.
Don't confront the allegedabuser.
You can explain like what yournext steps are to them and
report what the child has toldyou as soon as possible.
And again, we're gonna linkbelow I'm in the show notes a
link for the childwelfaregov andit has every state's
information.
Speaker 2 (11:58):
So they can just click on that so.
And if everybody didn't alreadythink it's a big deal, it's a
big deal.
So let's talk a little bitabout how neglect changes
childhood Cause kids who've beenneglected.
They're gonna experienceshort-term and long-term effects
.
Like there are actuallyproblems with brain development.
(12:20):
Their brains are not developingat a normal, healthy rate so
they're gonna have the higherrisk taking behaviors, running
away from home, drugs, alcohol,escape I mean, to me that's just
screaming escape, escape,escape, right.
Getting into dangerousrelationships.
(12:40):
You're turning away from whereyour needs aren't being met and
you're trying to find your needsmet and sometimes you Anywhere,
anywhere.
And sometimes you have a hugebullseye on you because they
know you don't have thenecessary support and that's a
bit scary Right, which thentranscends to difficulty later
(13:01):
in life with relationships, evenwith their own kids.
You send somebody out to cut atree down in a forest when you
don't give them an axe.
They're not going to know howto do it.
That wasn't done properly forthat Right, and so it continues
on.
Yeah, so it's associated withsignificant risks of learning
difficulties, difficulty inschool, right, so poor school
(13:23):
achievement deficits andexecutive functioning and
attention regulation.
So lots of ADHD kind ofbehaviors, lower IQ scores.
If somebody's not reading toyou when you're little, you are
not learning at the same rate aspeople kids that are being read
to, so they have good readingskills and they're going to have
(13:44):
lower rates of high schoolgraduation.
Yep, it can also correlate withreally significant risk for
emotional and interpersonaldifficulties, people that are
going to end up being reallyhighly negative Lack of impulse
control, lack of emotionalregulation, personality
(14:07):
disorders.
A lot of times, then, only badbehavior gets any attention paid
to you and so you're reallydeveloping some bad behavior as
a way to just be seen and beheard.
Generally lower levels ofenthusiasm, confidence,
assertiveness.
It can also really alter justthe development of your
biological stress responsesystems.
(14:29):
So I talk about this a lotbecause EMDR is what addresses
this.
So it can lead to much biggerrisk of anxiety, depression,
even things like cardiovascularproblems and other chronic
health.
The mind, body like connection.
Speaker 1 (14:45):
Connected yeah.
Speaker 2 (14:46):
Connected people, so it's pretty comprehensive the
amount of negative impact thatcan happen from childhood
neglect.
Yeah, so, and so you want totalk a little bit about some of
the ways that people can heal.
Speaker 1 (15:00):
Yeah, so examine it, accept the impact of your
childhood on who you are today.
I think that that's reallyimportant.
It makes sense that you canfeel empty and unfulfilled.
It all goes back to yourchildhood, right, and we talk
about that a lot.
If you've experienced bothemotional abuse and emotional
neglect, work on the emotionalabuse first.
(15:23):
It's easier to identify actionstaken against you, which is the
emotional abuse, rather thansubtle and oftentimes invisible
moments of not getting yourneeds met.
Speaker 2 (15:32):
emotional neglect yeah, I can't tell you how many
times in sessions.
It's a lot easier when peopleare creating their timeline and
we're doing EMDR.
It's a lot easier for people tocome up with what was happening
to them, what they feel is atrigger and a trauma from their
past.
And when I point out the thingsthat are more about neglect,
(15:56):
it's almost like it surprises myclients a little bit more.
Speaker 1 (16:00):
Yeah, I mean just me personally.
I experienced emotional abuseand emotional neglect from the
same parent growing up whichwe've talked about.
And you know, when you haven'thad any therapy you think, oh,
it's all emotional abuse.
But then I'm like, well, wait,you didn't even do this, like
(16:20):
you didn't do it.
So that's when it becomes thatemotional neglect.
So it's a real eye opener onceyou get into some therapy there.
If you've experienced emotionalabuse, consider working with a
skilled therapist.
It's highly important and it'sessential that you have someone
that you can trust to guide youthrough the process of healing.
If you recognize signs ofchildhood emotional neglect,
(16:42):
learn all you can aboutemotional neglect, how it
happens and the market leaves onyou.
Therapy can be helpful for thatas well.
Therapy, we're just sayingtherapy you need the therapy.
The one most vital ingredient tohealing is changing the
relationship you have with youremotions.
It's imperative that you learnhow to identify, accept,
(17:03):
understand and express youremotions when you talk about
emotional regulation andunderstanding emotions all the
time.
Speaker 2 (17:09):
So therapy Therapy.
Speaker 1 (17:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (17:13):
You can recover from the negative effects of
emotional abuse and of emotionalneglect.
You can recover yes, we do healso but you have to really pay
attention to it and to yourneeds.
You have to be as kind andloving to yourself as you would
to other people, Know that youdeserve to feel like you matter,
(17:33):
and so it really it's reallyimportant.
I think that it's just so mucheasier to look at somebody who
feels like they've been abusedand not pay enough attention to
people who've experiencedneglect and how that is also a
trauma.
I guess is kind of like ouroverarching point that is also
(17:56):
significant trauma with impact.
Yeah, absolutely, and you'll putthat line.
Speaker 1 (18:02):
You'll put this I'm gonna put the hot line.
Every time I hear hot line, nowI think of that hot line bling.
Is that Drake or something?
I don't know.
I do that song about the hotline bling and then Mike Tyson
saying it on Jimmy Fallon.
That's another rabbit hole, butI'll just send you the link?
Speaker 2 (18:18):
No, but you can send me the link.
Speaker 1 (18:21):
It's like is that hot line bling?
Yeah, I think that's what it'scalled.
Speaker 2 (18:24):
I don't know.
You have to send it to me so Ican listen to it.
Speaker 1 (18:27):
I will, but we do have an answer answered, okay
good.
So it's from Misty in Tampa.
So your neighbor oh yay.
Says hi ladies, hi Misty.
I recently moved to Tampa fromChicago.
Money is tight and my workschedule is packed.
Therefore I will be unable tomake a trip home for Christmas.
Needless to say, I have theholiday blues.
(18:48):
It's my first year missingChristmas in my whole 26 years.
Any suggestions on how to stillhave a merry Christmas?
Just me and my pup?
Speaker 2 (18:57):
I did this once when I moved to Boston and I was up
there and it was, yes, I hadthis experience.
So, yes, I do, first of all,enjoy the fact that in Florida I
mean today it's a little bitchilly.
I am wearing a sweater, butoverarchingly we have a warm
season.
So get out, go for walks on thebeach, enjoy things about this
(19:21):
area that you don't get to do upin Chicago in the winter.
Maybe find a place to likevolunteer so that you can kind
of feel connected.
Make like a favorite dish orsomething that your mom always
made.
Do a FaceTime so that you canconnect and see them.
(19:43):
I don't know those are some ofthe things off the top of my
head.
Speaker 1 (19:46):
Yeah, I agree, I agree, and then, like any family
traditions that you may havehad, like do them yourself.
You know, yeah, and I feel likeFaceTime is so wonderful and
that's like the one good thingabout technology for me these
days is FaceTime, so you canstill have those connections.
Speaker 2 (20:06):
Obviously, the other good thing about technology is
this lovely podcast that we'reable to create.
Yes, yes, I'm just saying forthe most part social media, so
you know how we feel about that.
Speaker 1 (20:17):
It's a love-hate relationship with social media.
But the FaceTime is so greatbecause you can honestly sit
your iPad, computer, whateverdown on your table and have that
meal with your family.
Yeah, we couldn't do that, youknow, 20 years ago.
So it's really cool that wehave that opportunity.
Speaker 2 (20:34):
I think it's and you know what's helpful.
Anytime where you can't be withfamily from home is kind of
planning the next time you will,yeah Right.
So what are some things you'relooking forward to doing when
you're back in Chicago?
Make some game plans and thensee if you can't embrace
something kind of special aboutyour new town.
Boat parades are really funhere and we have a million of
(20:54):
them in all different areas, socheck out where there's a boat
parade close to you.
Cool, yeah, all right.
Speaker 1 (21:02):
Well, thank you to our listeners for joining us
today.
If you've enjoyed today'sepisode, please leave us a
review on Apple Podcasts.
This will help us move up thechart and be more accessible to
new listeners.
Don't forget to check out ourwebsite, instagram and Facebook,
which is all linked below,where we will continue to add
resources and information.
If you have a question for ourAsk and Answer segment, click on
(21:23):
the link below or on ourwebsite.
I hope everyone has a greatweekend.
Speaker 2 (21:27):
We are your hosts, kathy Danmore and Jess Lowe, and
join us next time, as we willbe having a special holiday
episode where we'll be breakingit down once sip at a time.
Welcome back to Spilling the Thera Tea with
therapist Kathy Dianne Moore andgrief coach Jess Lowe.
Hey, kathy Dianne, how are you.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
I am great.
Good afternoon, how are you?
Speaker 1 (00:09):
I'm good, I'm glad tomorrow's Friday has it been a
week for you?
It has been a week.
I don't know what it is, Idon't know if it's just.
Like you know, my dog's beensick and I just came back from
seeing you and so then myhusband left like the day after.
So just trying to get back intolike normal routine.
Speaker 2 (00:28):
And there's no normal routine when it's like about to
be, like we're in the throes ofthe holiday and all the to-dos
yes, like that's when I decidedto redo part of my house which,
by the way, the painting debaclecontinues because I put the
stuff on that the woman at Acetold me to put on, and she was
(00:53):
very confident and I will sayit's a little bit better, but if
I run my fingernail over thispaint it will still come off.
Speaker 1 (01:02):
Do you all not have a Sherwin Williams?
You need an actual paint store,ace hardware, they're not a
paint store.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
I know, I know.
Speaker 1 (01:09):
They're just like random.
Speaker 2 (01:11):
I'm going to finish the blue on the wall or on the
doors, and now and then, I'mgoing to add a protectant coat
over it.
Speaker 1 (01:21):
I have an idea.
Yeah, what if you did awallpaper on your?
Speaker 2 (01:25):
door.
I can't do it on my own now.
Oh, because I was like I guessI could hire somebody to do it.
Now you just got my wheelsspinning.
Speaker 1 (01:36):
I'm just saying, I wouldn't that be cool.
Speaker 2 (01:38):
It would, and I do love a wallpaper.
Speaker 1 (01:42):
I'm not going to lie.
Me too, me too.
Speaker 2 (01:45):
Yeah, so we'll see.
I've got somebody building thebookcase and I might have told
you this.
I don't know, but he was likeyeah, the bookcase.
You basically want a newbookcase that's going to look
like you got it from your greataunt, tilly and I was, like you
know reading my mind.
That's all I want.
That's what I want.
All right, are you ready tojump into today?
(02:06):
I am, I am ready, okay.
So today's going to be a littlebit shorter?
I think yeah, but we say thatsometimes and then I trail off
into 15 directions and it's notshorter at all.
So we'll see.
But we're talking about neglect, so, and neglect can be kind of
hard to spot.
So we've got some advice on thedifferent types, on some signs
(02:27):
of neglect, what you can do ifyou're worried specifically
about a child so overarchinglyright, neglected, the ongoing
failure to meet a child's basicneeds and the most common form
of child abuse, so a child mightbe left hungry or dirty or
without proper clothing, shelter, supervision that's the one I
(02:48):
saw a lot when I did in hometherapy at a nonprofit or not
getting proper healthcare right.
So this can put kids, youngpeople, in danger.
And then what we're reallyconcerned about not only is the
danger that happens right then,but also what the long-term
effects are on their physicaland mental well being.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
Yeah, so we're going to start by talking about, like,
the different types of neglect.
There's a lot of different typeswhich can make it hard to spot,
but broadly speaking, there arefour types, so you're going to
obviously see like physicalneglect, so a child's basic
needs, such as food, clothing orshelter, they're not met or
they're not properly supervisedor kept safe.
Yeah, educational neglect.
(03:32):
So a parent doesn't ensure thattheir child is given an
education and you see that morethan you would think you know
happening.
Emotional neglect, where achild doesn't get the nurture
and stimulation that they need.
This could be through ignoring,humiliating, intimidating or
isolating them.
Speaker 2 (03:51):
Yeah, I'm going to wax on a little bit about
emotional neglect in a minute.
I want to pop back to theeducational neglect.
One of the things I remember.
This is why it's never as shortas we think it's going to be.
One of the things that Iremember is that there's also a
really big socioeconomicdifference in prioritization of
(04:15):
education and what neglectreally looks like versus when
it's just not as prioritized insome homes because they frankly
don't have the time, money andsupervision to prioritize it.
So I remember noticing a reallybig difference in how much I
(04:35):
prioritized education with mychildren and what I saw in other
families where they had biggerneeds that were just
monopolizing the bandwidth withwhich they could pay attention
to their family.
Speaker 1 (04:52):
Right yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:53):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (04:54):
And then the last one is medical neglect.
So a child is a given properhealth care.
This includes dental care andrefusing or ignoring medical
recommendations altogether.
Speaker 2 (05:03):
Yeah, yeah.
So with the emotional piece Iwanted to say a little bit about
differentiating betweenemotional abuse because I talk
about that in my practice a lotand emotional neglect.
They're not the same thing, sothey're different in how they
happen and they're different inhow they affect children in the
(05:26):
moment and in the future.
So emotional abuse is an act,whereas emotional neglect is a
failure to act.
So a quick example if a kiddois playing basketball, and let's
say he really had a rough gameand didn't do well.
(05:47):
and the parent comes up to kiddoA, let's say John and says like
John, I can't believe I evenleft work for you for this.
Like, you played horribly.
I mean, what a waste of my timeversus that, so right.
Versus the kid who we'll callhim Steve, who is done with the
(06:08):
basketball game and he's lookingaround and his parents aren't
there and they didn't show upand he starts to go like does he
even know I'm on the team?
Do I even matter?
Yeah, that's right.
So that's the difference.
So people like I talk about,like the treatment of a car,
right, instead of you're pullinginto a parking spot with care,
(06:28):
you know, and you allow thingsto bump along the side, right.
If you're bumping into theparking spot right and you don't
even care about it, right,you're abusing your car versus
if you're not taking your car infor oil changes and things like
that, you're neglecting it.
(06:50):
So the emotional abuse doesinvolve the action of not taking
care, hurting something right.
So your parents have to dosomething to emotionally abuse
you.
So name calling, insults,remarks with contempt, swearing
at you, right Neglect is they'rein action.
(07:11):
So when they're failing to dosomething that you need.
And we can talk more about whatsort of the butterfly effect is
of those two different things.
But they're not the same.
So it just ought to beimportant to kind of point that
out.
Both harmful, Both harmful,Both harmful.
Speaker 1 (07:31):
Absolutely, absolutely.
So let's talk about the signsof neglect.
Yeah, Again, it's verydifficult to spot at times.
Having one of the signs doesn'tnecessarily mean a child is
being neglected, but if younotice multiple signs that last
for a while, they might showthere's a serious problem.
Children and young people whoare neglected might have like
(07:53):
they might be dirty or smelly,they could be hungry or not
given money for food, like atschool.
Having unwashed clothing,having the wrong clothing, like
if it's wintertime and theydon't have a jacket, and then
having frequent and untreatedlike nappy, like rash as an
infant, so diaper rash, you know.
(08:15):
And then, there's also likehealth and development, problems
also that can arise, such asanemia, body issues like poor
muscle tone and prominent joints, medical dental issues.
That's seen a lot A lot ofdental issues missed medical
appointments, like theirvaccinations or wellness
(08:36):
checkups, if they're not giventhe correct medication for what
they need.
Poor language or social skills,regular illness or infection if
they're always getting sick.
Repeated accidents, skin issues, rashes, way bites, thin or
swollen tummies, tiredness,untreated injuries and even
(08:59):
weight and growth issues as well.
Speaker 2 (09:01):
And these are things that can also be happening due
to just a child, that it has animmune deficiency or you know.
So this isn't, we're notnecessarily saying these are
obvious signs that neglect isgoing on.
They're warning signs.
Speaker 1 (09:20):
They're warning signs .
There's something to just kindof keep on your radar If you're
not noticing improvements,especially if you're, like a
mandated reporter, like you needto kind of keep your eye on
these.
Speaker 2 (09:30):
You know these sort of things, so yeah, and even if
you're not a mandated reporterand you see something like that,
you can always call ananonymous which will have that
link going.
Speaker 1 (09:40):
We'll show it in a link If you wanna talk about
like some housing.
Speaker 2 (09:43):
The ones off the hook for making sure kids are safe
is what we're trying to say, Ifeel like everybody's, a
mandated reporter we should allbe.
Speaker 1 (09:50):
Yeah, I think so too.
Okay, you wanna go over likehousing, family issues and
things like that.
Speaker 2 (09:55):
So if they're living in an unsuitable home
environment, like they don'thave any heat, golly day that is
not good.
You know me, I like it withinlike one to two degrees in my
house, very finely attuned tothe temperature.
So being left alone for a longtime, taking on the role of the
caregiver for other familymembers, you know, if you're
(10:18):
noticing that kids are becomingclingy or they're becoming
aggressive, any kind of likeswitch in behavior I think can
be a warning sign.
If they're withdrawn or anxious, if there's and again these are
just signs to go like, hey,let's touch base, let's check in
on this.
But if you notice changes ineating habits or sort of
(10:39):
obsessive behaviors, if they'refinding it hard to concentrate,
take part in activities reallyteachers are gonna be ones that
are gonna see a lot of this toomissing school and obviously any
kind of signs of self harm orthe use of drugs, alcohol, we're
wanting to check in.
Speaker 1 (10:58):
Just we're wanting to check in, you know.
Yeah, and then sometimes thechild will reveal abuse or
neglect as well on their own.
So a child who's beingneglected might not realize
what's happening as well.
Speaker 2 (11:11):
They might just think that's just life.
It's normal for them, right?
Speaker 1 (11:15):
So they might even blame themselves.
But if a child talks to youabout neglect, it's important to
do these things.
Listen carefully to whatthey're saying.
Let them know that they've donethe right thing by telling you,
so that gives them someone tofeel safe, you know a safe space
for them.
Let them know that it's nottheir fault.
Say that you're taking themseriously, which probably they
(11:37):
probably don't have anyone elsethat does that for them.
Don't confront the allegedabuser.
You can explain like what yournext steps are to them and
report what the child has toldyou as soon as possible.
And again, we're gonna linkbelow I'm in the show notes a
link for the childwelfaregov andit has every state's
information.
Speaker 2 (11:58):
So they can just click on that so.
And if everybody didn't alreadythink it's a big deal, it's a
big deal.
So let's talk a little bitabout how neglect changes
childhood Cause kids who've beenneglected.
They're gonna experienceshort-term and long-term effects
.
Like there are actuallyproblems with brain development.
(12:20):
Their brains are not developingat a normal, healthy rate so
they're gonna have the higherrisk taking behaviors, running
away from home, drugs, alcohol,escape I mean, to me that's just
screaming escape, escape,escape, right.
Getting into dangerousrelationships.
(12:40):
You're turning away from whereyour needs aren't being met and
you're trying to find your needsmet and sometimes you Anywhere,
anywhere.
And sometimes you have a hugebullseye on you because they
know you don't have thenecessary support and that's a
bit scary Right, which thentranscends to difficulty later
(13:01):
in life with relationships, evenwith their own kids.
You send somebody out to cut atree down in a forest when you
don't give them an axe.
They're not going to know howto do it.
That wasn't done properly forthat Right, and so it continues
on.
Yeah, so it's associated withsignificant risks of learning
difficulties, difficulty inschool, right, so poor school
(13:23):
achievement deficits andexecutive functioning and
attention regulation.
So lots of ADHD kind ofbehaviors, lower IQ scores.
If somebody's not reading toyou when you're little, you are
not learning at the same rate aspeople kids that are being read
to, so they have good readingskills and they're going to have
(13:44):
lower rates of high schoolgraduation.
Yep, it can also correlate withreally significant risk for
emotional and interpersonaldifficulties, people that are
going to end up being reallyhighly negative Lack of impulse
control, lack of emotionalregulation, personality
(14:07):
disorders.
A lot of times, then, only badbehavior gets any attention paid
to you and so you're reallydeveloping some bad behavior as
a way to just be seen and beheard.
Generally lower levels ofenthusiasm, confidence,
assertiveness.
It can also really alter justthe development of your
biological stress responsesystems.
(14:29):
So I talk about this a lotbecause EMDR is what addresses
this.
So it can lead to much biggerrisk of anxiety, depression,
even things like cardiovascularproblems and other chronic
health.
The mind, body like connection.
Speaker 1 (14:45):
Connected yeah.
Speaker 2 (14:46):
Connected people, so it's pretty comprehensive the
amount of negative impact thatcan happen from childhood
neglect.
Yeah, so, and so you want totalk a little bit about some of
the ways that people can heal.
Speaker 1 (15:00):
Yeah, so examine it, accept the impact of your
childhood on who you are today.
I think that that's reallyimportant.
It makes sense that you canfeel empty and unfulfilled.
It all goes back to yourchildhood, right, and we talk
about that a lot.
If you've experienced bothemotional abuse and emotional
neglect, work on the emotionalabuse first.
(15:23):
It's easier to identify actionstaken against you, which is the
emotional abuse, rather thansubtle and oftentimes invisible
moments of not getting yourneeds met.
Speaker 2 (15:32):
emotional neglect yeah, I can't tell you how many
times in sessions.
It's a lot easier when peopleare creating their timeline and
we're doing EMDR.
It's a lot easier for people tocome up with what was happening
to them, what they feel is atrigger and a trauma from their
past.
And when I point out the thingsthat are more about neglect,
(15:56):
it's almost like it surprises myclients a little bit more.
Speaker 1 (16:00):
Yeah, I mean just me personally.
I experienced emotional abuseand emotional neglect from the
same parent growing up whichwe've talked about.
And you know, when you haven'thad any therapy you think, oh,
it's all emotional abuse.
But then I'm like, well, wait,you didn't even do this, like
(16:20):
you didn't do it.
So that's when it becomes thatemotional neglect.
So it's a real eye opener onceyou get into some therapy there.
If you've experienced emotionalabuse, consider working with a
skilled therapist.
It's highly important and it'sessential that you have someone
that you can trust to guide youthrough the process of healing.
If you recognize signs ofchildhood emotional neglect,
(16:42):
learn all you can aboutemotional neglect, how it
happens and the market leaves onyou.
Therapy can be helpful for thatas well.
Therapy, we're just sayingtherapy you need the therapy.
The one most vital ingredient tohealing is changing the
relationship you have with youremotions.
It's imperative that you learnhow to identify, accept,
(17:03):
understand and express youremotions when you talk about
emotional regulation andunderstanding emotions all the
time.
Speaker 2 (17:09):
So therapy Therapy.
Speaker 1 (17:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (17:13):
You can recover from the negative effects of
emotional abuse and of emotionalneglect.
You can recover yes, we do healso but you have to really pay
attention to it and to yourneeds.
You have to be as kind andloving to yourself as you would
to other people, Know that youdeserve to feel like you matter,
(17:33):
and so it really it's reallyimportant.
I think that it's just so mucheasier to look at somebody who
feels like they've been abusedand not pay enough attention to
people who've experiencedneglect and how that is also a
trauma.
I guess is kind of like ouroverarching point that is also
(17:56):
significant trauma with impact.
Yeah, absolutely, and you'll putthat line.
Speaker 1 (18:02):
You'll put this I'm gonna put the hot line.
Every time I hear hot line, nowI think of that hot line bling.
Is that Drake or something?
I don't know.
I do that song about the hotline bling and then Mike Tyson
saying it on Jimmy Fallon.
That's another rabbit hole, butI'll just send you the link?
Speaker 2 (18:18):
No, but you can send me the link.
Speaker 1 (18:21):
It's like is that hot line bling?
Yeah, I think that's what it'scalled.
Speaker 2 (18:24):
I don't know.
You have to send it to me so Ican listen to it.
Speaker 1 (18:27):
I will, but we do have an answer answered, okay
good.
So it's from Misty in Tampa.
So your neighbor oh yay.
Says hi ladies, hi Misty.
I recently moved to Tampa fromChicago.
Money is tight and my workschedule is packed.
Therefore I will be unable tomake a trip home for Christmas.
Needless to say, I have theholiday blues.
(18:48):
It's my first year missingChristmas in my whole 26 years.
Any suggestions on how to stillhave a merry Christmas?
Just me and my pup?
Speaker 2 (18:57):
I did this once when I moved to Boston and I was up
there and it was, yes, I hadthis experience.
So, yes, I do, first of all,enjoy the fact that in Florida I
mean today it's a little bitchilly.
I am wearing a sweater, butoverarchingly we have a warm
season.
So get out, go for walks on thebeach, enjoy things about this
(19:21):
area that you don't get to do upin Chicago in the winter.
Maybe find a place to likevolunteer so that you can kind
of feel connected.
Make like a favorite dish orsomething that your mom always
made.
Do a FaceTime so that you canconnect and see them.
(19:43):
I don't know those are some ofthe things off the top of my
head.
Speaker 1 (19:46):
Yeah, I agree, I agree, and then, like any family
traditions that you may havehad, like do them yourself.
You know, yeah, and I feel likeFaceTime is so wonderful and
that's like the one good thingabout technology for me these
days is FaceTime, so you canstill have those connections.
Speaker 2 (20:06):
Obviously, the other good thing about technology is
this lovely podcast that we'reable to create.
Yes, yes, I'm just saying forthe most part social media, so
you know how we feel about that.
Speaker 1 (20:17):
It's a love-hate relationship with social media.
But the FaceTime is so greatbecause you can honestly sit
your iPad, computer, whateverdown on your table and have that
meal with your family.
Yeah, we couldn't do that, youknow, 20 years ago.
So it's really cool that wehave that opportunity.
Speaker 2 (20:34):
I think it's and you know what's helpful.
Anytime where you can't be withfamily from home is kind of
planning the next time you will,yeah Right.
So what are some things you'relooking forward to doing when
you're back in Chicago?
Make some game plans and thensee if you can't embrace
something kind of special aboutyour new town.
Boat parades are really funhere and we have a million of
(20:54):
them in all different areas, socheck out where there's a boat
parade close to you.
Cool, yeah, all right.
Speaker 1 (21:02):
Well, thank you to our listeners for joining us
today.
If you've enjoyed today'sepisode, please leave us a
review on Apple Podcasts.
This will help us move up thechart and be more accessible to
new listeners.
Don't forget to check out ourwebsite, instagram and Facebook,
which is all linked below,where we will continue to add
resources and information.
If you have a question for ourAsk and Answer segment, click on
(21:23):
the link below or on ourwebsite.
I hope everyone has a greatweekend.
Speaker 2 (21:27):
We are your hosts, kathy Danmore and Jess Lowe, and
join us next time, as we willbe having a special holiday
episode where we'll be breakingit down once sip at a time.
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