7 Sneaky Self Sabotages: What Are They & How to Shift Each One

Feeling stuck, tired, or blocked—but not sure why? You might be self-sabotaging without even knowing it. In this episode, I reveal 7 sneaky self-sabotage patterns that could be draining your energy and slowing your progress in work, relationships, personal growth or with any goal or intention you have for your life!

You’ll Learn:

• Why being “too tired” might not be about rest at all
  
  
• How self-judgment and people-pleasing quietly block your goals
  
  
• The emotional root behind behaviors like scrolling, shopping, or snacking
  
  
• Why not scheduling things is actually a form of delay
  
  
• What to do instead of waiting for a “big break”
  
  
• How to work with your own resistance rather than fight it
  
  

Let’s shine a light on what’s been hiding in your blind spots—so you can finally move forward with clarity, confidence, and inner peace.

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Episode Transcript

(00:01):
Joy, hey, beautiful soul,welcome to spirit speakeasy. I'm
Joy Giovanni, joyful medium. I'ma working psychic medium, energy
healer and spiritual giftsmentor. This podcast is like a
seat at the table in a secretclub, but with mediums, mystics
and the spiritual luminaries ofour time. So come behind the

(00:22):
velvet ropes with me and seeinside my world as I chat
insider style with profoundlygifted souls, we go deep, share
juicy stories, laugh a lot, andit wouldn't be a speakeasy
without great insider secretsand tips. You might even learn
that you have some gifts of yourown so step inside the spirit

(00:43):
speakeasy.
Hey, beautiful soul, welcomeback, or welcome in for another
episode of spirit speakeasy. Onthis week's episode, we are
gonna cover the seven sneakyself sabotages that may be
blocking your flow right now.
What are they and what can youdo about them? Sometimes we may

(01:04):
be subconsciously selfsabotaging, even holding
ourselves back without evenconsciously knowing it. So if
you have been feeling held back,perhaps one of these sneaky self
sabotages is affecting you inways that you don't even know.
Often, it's a little quiet partinside of ourselves that's

(01:25):
trying to protect us, sometimesbased on a fear or an
unconscious held belief orprogram. And again, it's usually
held unconsciously orsubconsciously. So today, I'm
going to share seven of thebiggest sneaky ways that I see
self sabotage sneaking its wayin with clients, friends and of

(01:47):
course, myself. Some of thesemay have shown up at different
times in your life, in differentways, and some of them you may
have never experienced yourselfbefore. So I encourage you to do
a quick scan of your life andthe different areas of your life
as you listen to this week'sepisode and see if you may be
holding yourself back in any ofthese sneaky self sabotaging

(02:11):
ways. Once you notice thebehavior, you could evaluate and
see if it's coming from a placeof fear or resistance somewhere
deep within you, or if it'scoming from something else, like
timing, more data to collect, acertificate to gain, etc. Maybe
that's why you're dragging yourfeet right. There's a difference
between being working onsomething right, like getting a

(02:32):
certificate, to beingunconsciously delaying it, for
example, and both can be true atthe same time. So it's tricky
for each of these seven sneakyself sabotages. I'll work
through an example like I wouldwith myself or a coaching
client, so that you can start tosee how to dig deeper and get

(02:53):
clear and shift the energy inyour own life so you can stop
self sabotaging evenunconsciously, these seven
sneaky self sabotages can showup in any area of our lives. So
in this episode, I'll often usethe term the thing, and you can
insert the various areas orgoals in your life. For example,

(03:16):
in some of these seven, we mayneed to assess how much we want,
quote, unquote, the thing. Thething can be the job, the
relationship, the new car, thehealthier lifestyle, a tidy
living room, or even a habit ora hobby. So sometimes, as we
work through these and I'm doingthe coaching side of it, the
remedy,some of it might be like, how

(03:36):
much do you want the thing? Soas you're listening and kind of
going through those areas ofyour life, just swap in when I'm
saying the thing, whatever it isthat's your goal, your area of
focus, the thing that you sayyou're wanting to create or
experience. So this brings meright to our first of these
seven sneaky self sabotages,being too tired, if it's not a

(03:57):
medical situation and it's not amental health situation, of
course, we want to check thosefirst to make sure nothing is
going on. Check in on how muchyou actually want to do the
thing like we were talkingabout, what do I mean? Of
course, we want to look atphysical causes or mental health

(04:18):
causes to be sure you're notoverlooking something, and we
all get a little rundown fromtime to time, right? But if
you're in good health, you'regetting enough sleep, and you're
not under any undue stress orkind of extreme stress or
unusual stress. This could beunconscious self sabotage
showing up. So if you findyourself feeling or even using

(04:40):
the excuse of, I'm too tired, orsome version of that that fits
for you, for something you sayyou want to do, it's time to dig
a little deeper. So here's theexample. Do you say that you
want to intentionally cultivatechosen friendships? For example.
People, but every time you havea day off, you find yourself

(05:01):
saying you're quote, unquote,too tired to make plans, or
you're dreading the plans thatyou've already made. Check in
with yourself. These are some ofthe questions that I would ask
myself in this type ofsituation. Am I actually too
tired, like for real, for real,and I would be going through the
areas, is there something wrongwith me? Medically? Is there

(05:21):
something wrong with me?
Physically? Do I have a cold orflu? Is there something wrong in
a mental health way? Am Idepressed? Is there something
going on personally? So I wouldstart kind of checking the areas
of my life. The next question Iwould ask myself, Is the person
or people you'll be meeting upwith someone that you have

(05:41):
selected as a person that youwant to invest in cultivating a
friendship with, which was thething, in this case, your
original goal in this example,or do you not want to spend time
with this person? Because inthis example, of of you say that
you want to cultivatefriendships, then you're too
tired to hang out. It could bethat it's the person that's

(06:02):
inviting you or that you'rethinking about hanging out with.
It's just not a person you wantto be with. But you could have
this unconscious block of, oh, Iwant to be nice. I want to be
accommodating, so checking inwith is the person or people
that you're going to be meetingup with. Is this someone that
you even want to be cultivatingthis relationship with, or is
this the person you don't wantto spend time with the next
thing I would look at is, isthere something about the

(06:25):
meeting details making youuncomfortable? Could it be the
time of day, the place thatwe're meeting, the activity that
we're supposed to do together?
And would changing any of thesedetails change your energy
level, right? Because maybe thisfriend wants to meet you at, I
don't know a golf driving range,and you're like, don't like
golf, or not into golf. It maybe the activity that's making

(06:46):
you feel like, Oh, I'm tired. Idon't want to go to this. But if
changing that activity wouldmake you feel more energized,
more inspired, different aboutgoing, perhaps that's the issue.
Perhaps it's not that you'reactually tired, Okay, the next
thing I would look at as I'mlooking at, do I actually want
to be doing this? Are there anyemotions to work through here?
Are you anxious about something?

(07:10):
Is something else going onunderneath, right? Is it
actually that you're too tired,or is there an emotion or
something going on underneathhere? So is there any emotion we
need to look up. The nextquestion I would nudge myself or
a client with is, could you gofor 60 minutes, right? Could you
just go for 60 minutes? And Iwould see how that question

(07:33):
feels in your body or in yourenergy, because sometimes when
we ask ourselves, okay, you'resupposed to meet that friend.
You're tired. Could you go for60 minutes? Sometimes it's like,
well, yeah, okay, I guess Icould go for 60 minutes and have
a little appetizer or something.
But sometimes in your body, yourbody will say, No, I don't even
want to go for two minutes, letalone 60 minutes. And then with
all of that information that yougot from those questions, that's

(07:57):
how you can start making thechoice with the information,
right? So that's how to test ifyou're self sabotaging with this
too tired number one, sneakyself saboteur. Okay? Number Two
of our sneaky self sabotages isself judgment, self assessment,
with a willingness to grow and acompassionate understanding of

(08:20):
yourself and the choices youmade or didn't make is really
great, right? We need to do selfassessment, but once it tips
into self judgment, we're oftenin a self sabotage danger zone.
Self judgment can even evolveinto feelings of not being good
enough, like not being goodenough to even have the thing
that you're sabotaging or beingafraid to have it at all. In

(08:43):
this case, the thing, quote,unquote, can be part of a bigger
goal or challenge. For example,maybe you're judging yourself
about a presentation that yougave at work, and the
presentation wasn't received aswell as you had hoped, right?
And because the presentation wasimportant to your overall career
goals, your overall life goals,or maybe even your self image,

(09:07):
it can be a little more weightythan just the presentation. So
is, is the thing tied tosomething bigger? When we're
looking at self judgment here,maybe you're judging yourself
because it's tied to somethingbigger. Additionally, this self
image piece of it could besomething that's been like a
recurring challenge for you, andthis self judgment may spread

(09:29):
across various areas of yourlife. So the remedy here, when
we notice we've tipped from selfassessment into more of like a
self judgment. The remedy isjust to keep an eye on this idea
of self judgment and growthbeing part of the same spectrum
as self evaluation, right? SelfEvaluation is good. In most

(09:53):
cases, self growth is good, butonce we start to tip into that
side of. Spectrum where it's,you know, self judgment or being
overly self critical, right?
That's not going to be that'snot going to be a healthy place
to be anymore, right? So keep aneye on it, and remember that
they're on the same spectrum, soyou can be more aware of it. And

(10:17):
really the question to askyourself here with self
judgment, where is your fingerpointing in the scenario that
you're going through as youreview the details in your mind.
So in this case, thepresentation right? You did this
presentation, it wasn't as wellreceived as you'd hope. Where's
your finger pointing when you'reassessing like you're going over
in your mind, the preparationthat you did for the

(10:39):
presentation the morning of thepresentation, the presentation
itself, are you option one,pointing your finger at someone
else to blame or to have victimmentality? Right? Like that
person already had it out forme, or this person didn't bring
their components to thepresentation, right? Is option
one, your finger pointing out atsomeone else. Option two is your

(11:00):
finger pointing at yourself withsomething like disappointment or
negative or harsh inner talk?
Right? Are you pointing thatfinger at yourself when you're
assessing or option three, areyou pointing your finger towards
the future and thinking, whatcould I learn or change from
this experience for the future.

(11:23):
Maybe it's in the prep and theway we did it. Maybe it's in the
setting up the meeting itself.
Maybe it's something that wecould change in the
presentation, right? But sostarting to when you have that
self judgment, look at where,where is the finger pointing in
this harshness? Is it pointingat you? Is it also pointing at
others? And can we reframe itand point it towards the future,

(11:44):
plus noticing? Is this selfjudgment, this, this harmful
critique tied to somethingbigger? Is it tied to my bigger
overall self image or my biggergoals? Okay, PS on this one, for
some a sneaky presentation ofthis type of self judgment, self
sabotage may even be selfjudgment over something that we

(12:07):
need assistance for, right? Soit doesn't have to be like a
project or something we'vequote, unquote done or or didn't
do. It could even be selfjudgment over something that we
need assistance for, likegetting a coach or a therapist,
and there can often be oldunconscious programming as part
of the self judgment, kind oflike inner talk that can sound

(12:27):
like a version of you, like youshould be able to do this
yourself. You shouldn't needhelp for this. So this one can
go really deep and sneaky selfsabotage number three of our
seven sneaky self sabotages isnot putting it on the calendar
or scheduling action steps. Forexample, action steps might be

(12:52):
research and sign up for XYZclass that I need to take around
this thing that I'm starting, orif you notice that you're
pushing something back on thecalendar repeatedly, it gets on
your calendar, but then you'repushing it back, pushing it
back, and not doing the thing,whatever that is for you, this
one is pretty self explanatoryon the surface, but the real

(13:13):
mystery starts to unfold when wedig a little deeper at Why the
next steps are not on thecalendar. So if you're, for
example, finishing thecertification, like we were
talking about earlier, likeactually finishing it, or
waiting for a clearance or anapproval of some kind, this,
most likely isn't you in this,in this, not putting it on the

(13:36):
calendar, self sabotage, becauseyou're working actively on your
next step. So if it's if you'reworking actively on it, and it
just keeps moving down, likegetting delayed on the calendar
because of externalcircumstances, and you're
putting your effort into it,this one's probably not you, but
whether it's business orpersonal, just put the thing on
the calendar. And actually, Iwould love it if you would even

(14:00):
calendar the next steps, ifthere are any, and the steps
after that, and after that, forexample, if you want to start a
small business, you may haveeven already done some of the
foundational work. You mighthave done some of the research,
but you haven't taken that nextstep in this example, like going
down and getting the businesslicenses in this sneaky self

(14:21):
sabotage example. I start byasking, do I actually want to do
the thing in real life, like allof it, every part of it, or do I
just like the idea of havingthat thing one day, right? Do I
really want to do a business andeverything that a small business
entails, or do I just, like theidea of, like, Oh, I'm gonna

(14:42):
have a small business one day,and then I'll check again and
say, like, really, is thatreally true? You really wanna do
the thing and all the thingsthat come with the thing.
So, if so, then the next if theanswer is yes for you, right?
Like, if so, so the answer isyes. I really want to do the
thing. I really want to startthis small business. Okay, then

(15:03):
the next question would be, ifso, when? When do you want to do
that? Do you really want to doit now? Do you want to do it in
a year? Do you want to do it in10 years? Because that helps you
really understand your actualintention, and if it is wanting
to do it now, then put it on thecalendar, which dates and times,

(15:24):
and what will you get done? Doyou need to prepare anything for
that in advance, like documentsand information, and when will
you do that? Right? So in thisexample of starting the small
business, maybe you've done alittle research. What day on the
calendar, when are you going tocarve out the time to go into
that business office in the citythat you need to go into and get

(15:45):
the paperwork? So, like, pick aspecific day, okay, in two
weeks, on Thursday, I have timein the afternoon, I'm going to
go, and then it would be okay.
Well, is there anything you needto prepare? Let's make a list of
things we need to prepare, andthen putting on the calendar.
What day am I going to collectthese items? Okay, I'm going to
start collecting them thisTuesday at in the morning. I
have a time so it's getting veryspecific about what needs to be

(16:09):
done, and then putting thosespecific things on the calendar,
and again, checking in with do Ikeep moving this down the
calendar like I'm never gettingto it. It's just an idea. Life
is always busy, and it doesn'thave to, like, stop us from
doing things we want to do. Andbecause life is so busy, if it
doesn't get on the calendar, ifit doesn't get scheduled, it's

(16:32):
probably going to take a lotlonger to move yourself forward
and experience any real resultson this calendar, like on this
step that you're wanting to do,and in this sneaky self
sabotage, I also like to keep aneye on the next steps, because
if we aren't actively aware ofthe next steps of our thing, in
this case, we won't know what toput on the calendar next. And

(16:55):
that can be an area you need tohone your expertise in. For
example, it could be a communityyou want to join. It could be a
next goal and how you mighttrack it or measure it. Next
steps can be just aboutanything, depending on what your
thing is in this example. Butjust notice, if you're avoiding
putting things on the calendararound the thing that you're

(17:16):
saying that you want, right?
It's great to even with thefriends. Example. It's great to
say you want to hang out withfriends. But if we're not
putting something on thecalendar, it's never going to
happen, and then it's evaluatingthrough those questions. Again,
Okay, number four in our sevensneaky self sabotages, is
sabotaging behavior, or the wayI put it, was sabotage,

(17:41):
sabotaging behavior and actionswhich could be anything from
Doom scrolling and onlineshopping to eating a whole bag
of Cheetos to blowing up inemotions over something really
small for no reason at all.
Seemingly it can be compulsivebehavior. Self Sabotage can be
when we're resisting somethingor in fear, even unconsciously

(18:01):
remember. So the remedy here, ifwe notice that we're doing self
sabotaging behaviors, is moreabout being aware of the
behavior and the pattern thanthe intention. That's the thing
that's like easier to catch,because it's typically
unconscious self sabotage,right? So, for example, are you

(18:21):
scrolling when another importantnext step needs to be done?
Like, is there a time wherethere's something you want,
you're supposed to be working onit, and instead you find
yourself scrolling, right? Forexample, are you eating a pint
of ice cream because you'redreading that difficult
conversation that you have, areyou picking a fight with your
partner out of nowhere, and thenyou're too upset to get to the

(18:44):
gym that night. The behavior oraction is really the key here to
this one, the self sabotagingbehaviors and actions and as
illustrated above, the behaviordoes not need to be in the same
category as the thing. That'swhy this one qualifies as one of
our sneaky self sabotages, andthat's why paying attention to

(19:05):
your behavior is so important.
Because the reason why we'redoing the behavior can sometimes
be unconscious, especially ifthe behavior doesn't seem at all
related to the thing likepicking a fight with your
partner out of nowhere and thenbeing upset to go to the gym,
when health and wellness in thegym is your thing in this

(19:26):
scenario that you're wanting toachieve. So let me take this one
step further and see if I canmake it a little more
clear for you.
Your job here really is tonotice. Okay, so I know it's not
usually like me to eat a pint ofice cream in one hour? Was that
the most delicious ice creamI've ever had? Or are there some

(19:49):
emotions going on here aboutsomething, right? So noticing
the behaviors out of character.
And maybe it's not a pint of icecream, maybe it's a corp like
the big like the bigger kind.
Maybe it's a half gallon andit's in. Just a couple days, so
noticing the behavior checkingin like, Okay, this is the best
ice cream in the entire world.
Or are there some emotions goingon here about something, and
then the next step would be,okay? Am I worried or anxious

(20:11):
about something? Am I angry orsad or upset about something? Am
I feeling insecure or jealous?
Am I having some fear ofsomething that's coming up that
I need to do? Am I feelingrestricted in some area? Because
human nature is to push againstespecially when we feel squeezed

(20:33):
or restricted in some way, anddepending on what comes up for
you, you could also look atmedical answers here, for
example, just a little reminder,some pregnant women compulsively
crave dirt to eat when theiriron is low. So you never know.
I recently worked with a clientwho had picked a fight with her
sister. They're both adults inthis example, and her sister is

(20:56):
her best friend. And she pickedthis resort not just on a
regular day, but when they wereon this really special sisters
best friends trip at a resorttype retreat weekend, she blew
up over appointment times, andin the moment, she said she felt
like her sister was alwaystrying to cut in front to take
the better option for herself.
And as it unfolded through ourconversation, she said, nothing

(21:19):
actually provoked her. Theydidn't have any challenges going
on in their relationship in themoment, and everything was
looking pretty good. But as wedug a little bit deeper through
the layers of energy and lookeda little more at some specific
questions and worked thepossibilities of what could be
going on here, it came up forher that her little family unit

(21:39):
had just worked on some of thedocuments very recently, like
wills and power of attorney andguardianship for kiddos, just
some estate planning, and shehad to choose the guardians for
her own children, and she felt alot of anxiety of naming one of
her they She has threeadditional sisters, and so four

(22:00):
sisters together in total. Andshe was having this like
underlying unconscious anxietyabout having to choose one of
her sisters to name in her willas the guardian for her kids
should something happen to her.
And she was feeling so muchanxiety about this that she

(22:22):
several months later, when Italked to her, was still
avoiding giving this lastdocument to their attorneys to
finalize this document thatnames the guardian for the kids.
And all of this also led to usunderstanding more about the
true, sneaky self sabotage.
Reason why she hadn't put someof these things in her calendar

(22:43):
as well? Because had she putthat getting this to the
attorney on the calendar, shemight have known, okay, I'm
having some resistance here.
Something's going on. But sheended up picking this fight with
her sister that was oversomething that her sister had
nothing to do with, even achoice that she had to make that
she was feeling anxious about.
So again, the self sabotagingbehavior. So you would notice

(23:06):
the behavior, man, I just blewup really quickly with my best
friend over this thing, and thatfeels really strange. Are there
some emotions going on here thatI need to deal with? Am I
anxious or worried aboutsomething. Am I sad or upset
about something? Am I feelinglike insecure inside of myself
or jealous? And so then I, youknow, seeing what comes up, you

(23:27):
can really unravel this foryourself and realize she
realized that while the blow upargument over this, like weird
little scheduling, massagetreatments or something, is what
happened, it was sort ofadjacent, because it was still,
you know, a family matter. Itwas really a totally different
thing than picking a differentsister for The Guardian on her

(23:48):
will. So noticing that selfsabotaging behavior of, yeah,
just behaviors that aresabotaging is really the key to
that one, okay, number five ofour seven sneaky self sabotages
is Get ready. Complaining,complaining about how hard it is

(24:08):
to achieve the thing,complaining that no one is
helping you with the thing,complaining that someone else
has gotten their thing easier.
There's a little disclaimer withthis one, though, complaining is
different than venting. Everyonegets frustrated sometimes, and
venting really can be a healthypart of our creative process as

(24:30):
human beings, but ventingbecomes complaining when we're
using the topics over a longperiod of time and they start to
become excuses for why weourselves are not taking action
on the thing, right? So it's onething to just have a little
venting session and move on orbe mad about something for a
week, but if you notice, okay,these these things are becoming

(24:51):
excuses or reasons that I'musing as to why I'm not taking
action on this thing, then we'vetipped into a little bit of a
date. Your zone, and complainingcan often feel
or sometimes even present itselflike that victim mentality. Or
complaining can feel likeresentments, and sometimes other

(25:14):
people perceive it as drama. Soif you've ever had someone say
that you're being very dramatic,maybe you're complaining. The
remedies here are kind ofsimilar to the last noticing.
What do you notice that you'retalking about when you're
speaking? Maybe you catch upwith several friends or
colleagues throughout the week.
Is there something that you arebringing up over and over again,

(25:35):
just noticing? Maybe it's thingsabout your family, maybe it's
things about a big win thatyou've had, or maybe, you know,
maybe it's complaining. So justkind of noticing, what are the
things you're bringing up whenyou're having real
conversations? Do you hearyourself repeating and refining
some version of a victim's storyas you're sharing and talking

(25:55):
with people? And you may haveeven noticed in your history
someone else doing this. It'ssometimes easier to see things
with others. But if you canthink about a friend or a person
that you know that or you'veheard them tell this victim
story so many times, and in thestory, they're like refining the
details and making themselveseven more, a little bit victim
in the corner. So just startpaying attention. And if you're

(26:18):
sharing with others, are youhearing the same advice, right
like so maybe you do have achallenge happening right now,
and you're you're sharing withseveral people to get their
opinions, which you guys, know,I am not a huge fan of, I think,
like trustworthy advisors, butnot everybody. We're not taking
a poll of everybody's opinionsof what we should do. But if you
are, and you're kind of checkingin with lots of people about

(26:42):
this situation that's going on,are you hearing the same advice
over and over and over again,and are you considering it? If
so, it's one thing if one persongives you a piece of advice, but
if you're hearing the sameadvice about the same situation
over and over, probably worthconsidering. And if you're not
considering it, it's a great redflag for you that you are

(27:02):
there's something about thisdiscomfort or the thing that
you're complaining about thatyou're hanging on to or not
wanting to resolve. So that's areally good red flag for this
one. This complaining, are youbuilding a case against the
thing? So this can also be asneaky way that we can complain,
building a case against thething. And the question here is,

(27:24):
Have you changed your mind aboutthe thing, right? So as you're
sharing with others, and youhear yourself complaining about
this one topic or area over andover and over, just notice, do
you feel like you're building acase against it. I think one of
the easiest examples here for meis relationships. This is when I
see with clients, often whenthey're processing releasing a

(27:47):
relationship right the end of arelationship, the breakdown of a
relationship, and often you canfeel the person making a case
against the relationship oragainst staying in the
relationship. So notice, ifyou're doing that, when you're
talking about whatever thisthing is for you, are you
building a case? Are you makinga case against the thing and

(28:09):
asking yourself, have youchanged your mind about it? It's
okay to change your mind about arelationship or a job or a hobby
or something that you wanted andnot want it anymore. You don't
need to build a case against it.
In some cultures, complaining isjust part of the way
communication works, and you'reactually expected to show up
with your list of what's goingwrong in your life this week.

(28:32):
And if this is the case for you,I might evaluate what the goal
of the thing is for you, and askyourself, if surrounding
yourself with other people whoare constantly in that
complaining mentality, orcomplaining way of
communicating, is that inalignment with the thing you're
trying to achieve, right? Andthen maybe just making some
different boundaries? I put alittle pro tip on this one.

(28:55):
Sometimes we can unconsciouslyslip into this mode when we're
looking for permission to quitpursuing the thing. So sometimes
we complain to several people,almost like collecting
signatures to co sign ourpetition to ultimately quit in
advance, right? No shade at all.
On this one, I've definitelydone that. But we sometimes,
especially if you notice you'resaying the same thing to several

(29:18):
people, and it feels like you'rewanting them to be on your side
with this, not like you'rereally intending advice or
brainstorming, and you notice,oh, maybe I am building a little
bit of a case against the thing,just noticing, like, do I feel
like I'm a little bit gettingpeople to co sign because I'm
trying to end this thing, thisjob, this relationship, this

(29:38):
pursuit, and I just want somepermission from outside of
myself. So those are some goodred flags and check ins for the
sneaky self sabotage, ofcomplaining our number six self
sabotage, of our seven sneakyself sabotages is waiting or
expecting a big break to just.

(30:00):
Up, or even a bigger feeling ofmotivation. Sometimes it's not
like a big break we're waitingfor. Sometimes it's like waiting
to feel motivated again, waitingfor this big feeling of
motivation to show up. I'mreally against waiting for the
big break, right? And I thinkit's culturally sometimes,
something that we've seenthrough movies, through books,

(30:20):
right? The big break happens.
Did you know I've got a soapboxa little bit on this one. Did
you know that Brad Pitt's firstacting job was actually wearing
a sandwich board advertisingfor, like a sandwich shop,
dressed up and standing outsidelike a like a cartoon sandwich?
When I was a working actor, Iremained in an acting class. You

(30:43):
guys know, I believe ineducation. I believe in having
mentors and whatever we'rewanting to achieve, and it helps
us to move our goals forward. Sowhen I was acting, I was in
acting class, and some of myclassmates are actually now well
known actors in their career,and even at the time, my teacher
had actually been GeorgeClooneys acting coach many years
before that, and I may be reallydating myself with this one. But

(31:05):
did you know for some of you,George Clooneys, quote unquote,
big break. His first TV job wason that show Facts of Life in
1985 and it wasn't until 1994 11years later that he became
known, quote unquote on theshow, er, which some of you may
remember, was a really popularshow in the mid 90s. And even

(31:26):
though he did a few movies, hedidn't become a quote unquote
movie star until the year 2000with that movie, oh brother,
we're out now. And then afterthat came the Oceans 11 and
additional movies, and backthen, from going from TV to
movies as an actor was like areally big leap. But if you

(31:49):
notice, the difference betweenhis big break in 1985 and when
he actually started to becomeknown as a movie star was more
than 15 years, more than 15years, and he had already been
acting and auditioning for quitesome time when he got that big
break. Roll in 85 on facts oflife. So what's my point?

(32:09):
Through acting, I really learnedone of the most important
lessons that the quote, unquotebig break doesn't come as one
big break, but rather it comesas a series of little wins,
often over many, many years,because the relentless and
continual doing of the thing isthe ultimate purpose. Actors

(32:32):
just want to do the job ofacting right. Success is the
bonus or the byproduct, butdoing of the thing has to
somehow move you at a soullevel. And these big breaks in
different areas of our lives maycome, but we live in the
meantime, right? We live in theday to day, in the time along

(32:53):
the way, in the journey. So askyourself, why?
Why are you expecting the bigbreak? Are you in it for the
love of the sport, or are you init for the spoils of success?
Right? So the other thing i ilearned about the big break is

(33:14):
that it is often just thesesmall steps, diligent, slow,
turtle, tortoise in the hair,right? Turtle in the hair kind
of a thing, just slow andsteady, diligent pursuit, doing
the thing over and over andover. And I think about not just
actors, but artists of allkinds. And I know this is true
in lots of different careers. Iknow we often think about it as

(33:37):
so linear, like climbing theladder, and that certainly a big
break should happen, but again,I find it as one of the biggest
of the sneaky self sabotageswaiting for a big break to show
up. I haven't seen it work thatway. And even when people do get
what is their big break, itdoesn't just catapult them out

(33:57):
of nowhere into this newuniverse. It's work that they
have been doing over years tohone their skills, become an
expert, become that highestlevel, that highest caliber of
artistry in whatever their artform is. So don't wait for that
big break. But step by step, behoning your craft, honing your

(34:19):
skills, sharpening your tools inwhatever the thing is for you,
and it has to be about the loveof the thing, right? The love of
the relationship, the love ofthe learning, the love of the
field that you're in, forexample, whatever it is for you.
And if it's like a fitness orhealth regime, the love of
yourself, right? Because, yeah,the big break might come.

(34:42):
Eventually you might get handedto you on a silver platter, the
most amazing opportunity aroundwhatever your thing is, but the
thing has to somehow move you ata soul level, because we live in
the day to day journey of thepractice of the thing, right? So
hopefully that one makes sense.
No. Waiting around for bigbreaks to show up, or even a big
feeling of motivation. It justdoesn't work that way. Yeah, we

(35:05):
might get these wins ofmeditation once or motivation.
Meditation of motivation once ina while, but it's not going to
be every day. It's just going tohave to come from discipline and
the love of the thing, right? Solet go of expecting big breaks
and number seven, our final ofthe seven, sneaky self
sabotages. This one is a littleinteresting. People pleasing

(35:28):
your way out of doing the thingnow. Delays happen, unexpected
emergencies come up, even bigthings come up in our lives that
need our attention immediatelyand sometimes might need our
attention for a prolonged periodof time, right? These are not
the type of things I'm talkingabout here that doesn't fall
under the category of selfsabotage, that falls under the

(35:49):
category of like being human.
Recently, my one of my kiddoswas moving, and it just was
something I needed to give alittle bit of more time and
attention to for a couple weeksperiod, and then back to the
thing, right? So delays happen.
That's not what we're talkingabout here. We're talking more
aboutif you are now, or if you ever

(36:11):
have slipped into the role as apeople pleaser. What I know
about you is that you're caringand you likely support others in
some or lots of capacities, andyou probably frequently have put
yourself or your own needsbehind everyone else's. And
while caring and beingsupportive and strong are great

(36:32):
qualities without boundaries,they can quickly become part of
that danger zone for sneaky selfsabotages again. So this need to
please can show up as anythingfrom wanting to be accepted to
wanting to be a giver to wantingto help out. And sometimes it
ends up being straight up COdependent. In some cases, I've

(36:56):
got to be honest and becausebeing helpful or strong is so
valued in our society, this onecan be extra sneaky, since it's
often looked at like as on thehealthy side, or even as being
rewarded, right? We're rewardedfor self sacrifice culturally,
most of us, and particularlyfemale presenting people so the

(37:20):
need to please can be a littlesneaky, because sometimes we're
rewarded for it, right? So itcan take it can make it very
easy to hide behind peoplepleasing and use it as a little
sneaky self sabotage wall likebuilt around us, easy not to
notice the self sabotage of itall, when you're so busy

(37:41):
pleasing and helping, right?
Because then we get praise forthat, or people appreciate it.
So this sneaky self sabotage canoften be a little more complex,
because sometimes it can be alsointertwined with things like
actual obligations or needs likekeeping your job, and is often
tied to some pretty deeply heldbeliefs about the way the world

(38:04):
around us works. For example,like I was saying, most people
in a female body have some levelof institutionalized programming
around being sweet or beingagreeable. Don't raise your
voice. Be ladylike, beappropriate, be pretty right? So
some of us have grown up withthat programming, and it can be
helpful to explore things likefears. What happens if you find

(38:28):
ways to also prioritize yourselfor the thing that you want to go
after, whose permission oracceptance do you need to truly
give 100% at the thing? Again, Iwould check in on things like,
do you actually want the thing?
Is it more important or lessimportant than people pleasing,
than whatever this is thatyou're doing to people please?

(38:48):
What can you do to work on thediscomfort around releasing
people pleasing behaviors? As arecovering people pleaser
myself, it can be reallyuncomfortable to release people
pleasing behaviors, becausepeople come to expect it of us.
We tend to be the easy one tosay yes, or we often do
genuinely want to help. But canyou hold fast and make some

(39:14):
boundaries for yourself so thatyou don't have to roll over and
prioritize everyone else as apeople pleaser. So what can you
do to work on that discomfortaround just not doing the people
pleasing behavior? I've saidthis before, but for any
recovering people pleasers outthere, besides me, with very few

(39:34):
exceptions, I use the trick ofsaying, let me check and get
back to you pretty often to askmyself some questions before
just agreeing, which could oftenbe kind of the natural response
of sensitives and peoplepleasers, like just to agree to
the thing, like, Oh yeah, sure,I can do it. Let me help, let me
look, let me see when I can doit. But instead, if someone

(39:54):
makes a request of you, and youknow that you struggle with
boundaries or with. Peoplepleasing or prioritizing
yourself. The trick I use forthat, because I clearly struggle
with it, is, you know what? Letme check and see if I can do
that. Let me check and see if Ihave a day free on my calendar.
Just give me, let me call youtomorrow and let you know, and
that gives me enough space toreally check in with myself,

(40:17):
like we were just talking about.
So those are the seven. I alsowant to just put a little PS on
here. This might be a little bitof a hot take, or like a
controversial take. I believequitting is okay through a lot
of these self sabotages.
Sometimes, part of the reasonthat we're doing the

(40:37):
unconscious, sneaky selfsabotage is because we don't
actually want to do the thing.
Maybe we did want the thing atone point. Maybe we really put a
lot of our heart and soul intothe thing. Maybe other people
around us sacrificed because wewanted the thing, and then we
just don't want it anymore. Ormaybe we have learned that,
like, oh yeah, I thought thatthing was for me, and I realize

(41:00):
it's not quit because the thingis not for you. After all, you
thought you like it, but youdon't. It's not what you thought
it would be, or even because youfeel your time with this thing
is done, but not because of fearor self sabotage. But I do
believe quitting is okay. I'vequit a lot of things over my
life just because I discoveredmaybe it was something I wanted

(41:22):
to try, and then I discovered,like, oh yeah, I don't like this
at all. So I think quitting isokay. And if we can be more
honest with ourselves aboutwhether we do actually want the
thing or to do the thing, thenit makes it a little easier for
us to say, You know what,actually I don't do. I need
someone else's permission toquit this do I need to go around
collecting, you know, co signersfor not doing this, for quitting

(41:47):
this thing? But I know sometimeswe can feel really judged about
quitting, so that's my littlestamp. If you're feeling like
there's something you're selfsabotaging yourself around and
you're realizing it's becauseyou really want to quit. So
there you have it, seven sneakyself sabotages that may have
been quietly running in thebackground, draining your

(42:08):
energy, blocking your momentumor keeping you from fully
stepping into your thing,whatever that may be. How many
of these seven Have you seen indifferent areas or in different
ways in your own life, rememberthese sneaky patterns don't make
you wrong or broken. They makeyou human. The beautiful news is

(42:29):
that once you see them, you canshift them. Awareness is the
first step towardstransformation with all of these
seven sneaky sabotages. So becurious, be compassionate with
yourself, and keep coming backto your why about thing? You're
not behind, you're not too late,and you don't need to be perfect

(42:51):
to begin or to keep going or toget started again, right? Let go
of that self judgment. You needto be honest with yourself and
brave enough to take the rightnext step. You've got this and I
am here cheering you on everystep of the way, so go get that
thing and release these sevensneaky self sabotages. I hope

(43:13):
that this episode has meantsomething to you. I would love
it if you would let me knowwhich of these you see yourself
in. Or maybe there's someassessment and evaluation that
you can do with the thingscoming up for you right now.
Happy Spring. Y'all. Big hugs.
Lots of love. If you haven'talready joined my free community
healings. Oh my gosh. Let mejust mention this really
quickly, you can go to mywebsite, joyful medium.com,

(43:34):
right in the Events tab, and itwill show you all of the
upcoming free communityhealings. I hold one every
month. They are live on zoomwith me. And even if you can't
make the live, I do put out thereplay, and you can receive all
of the healing, all of theReiki, the chakra clearing and
balancing, all of the things onthe replay. So if you want to

(43:55):
sign up to get the Zoom link andto get the replays again, it's
totally free. It's just a bit ofa community service that I offer
every month. You just go to mywebsite, joyfulmedium.com in the
events section, you can learnall about it, and you could sign
yourself up. And I hope that youwill come and receive so that we
can start moving some of thesesneaky self sabotaging behaviors
and getting clear about what wewant and learning how to receive

(44:17):
and live our best and mostfulfilled lives. Big hugs, lots
of love. Bye for now. Frominside spirit, Speak Easy. You.