Uncovering Authentic Connection Through Vulnerability

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
having open-ended discussions on anything from
faith, finances, relationshipsand how to stay motivated during
life's trying times.
Make sure to follow on allsocial media platforms.
The social media link is in thebio.
Sit back and get ready to enjoy.

Speaker 2 (00:20):
Hello everyone, welcome to another episode of
Standing Angel Truth Podcast.
I am your host, yoni.
How have you guys been?
Literally, when I sat down Iwas like it's been a minute and
that was not even on purpose.
Life just was life in schooland summer and everything.
But guess what I'm done and Iwill try better to produce more

(00:42):
podcasts in the coming months.
With that being said, I have aguest here with me, so I'm going
to let her introduce herself.

Speaker 3 (00:53):
My name is Kelsey and , oh, you can say whatever you
want.
Are you going to be like?
Your name is Kelsey?
Yeah, my name is Kelsey,because I'm about to let y'all
have it All right, there, you go.

Speaker 2 (01:04):
All right, name is kelsey.
Yeah, my name is kelsey becauseI'm about to let y'all have it
all right.
So we are gonna get to know hera little bit and then we'll get
into the rest of the podcast.
So what motivates you?

Speaker 3 (01:13):
um, what motivates me is I know it probably shouldn't
, but seeing other peoplesucceed, also, like you know,
even if it's something small,like seeing what other people
can do.
Because I know like I'm notjust like oh yeah, this is what
I'm going to do, I'm going to doit.
What not Like?
I just I don't know.

(01:34):
Maybe you can call me lazy.
You know like I'm like I'm coolwith where I'm at, but when I
see other people doing stuff andall these things and just going
on about their life, I'm like,dang, that's freaking cool.
So it's like, yeah, let me workharder, let me work a little
bit more, and so yeah, I justhave a question.

Speaker 2 (01:54):
Yeah, do you think that that comes?
Is there an issue withself-confidence of why you oh,
100%, okay, yeah, yeah, I'mgetting better.
Okay, I mean me too, girl,that's why I?
Was like wait.
I kind of know.
I know that because I strugglewith it yeah.

Speaker 3 (02:12):
And like in my head I have all these things like that
I want to do, and even if wesay, maybe the past five years,
a few things that I've wanted todo, like for myself and small
business type things, and I haveit all written down and that's
great on paper.
And then I'm like, cool, nowI'm going to close this little
notebook back up and I'm goingto put it back on my desk and
it's just going to stay there,like there's not that extra

(02:35):
little, like yeah, we're goingto get this done.
So yeah, you have to work onthat Cause I'm going to tell you
this from I had ideas and I dobelieve things that God has put
in my heart and I mapped it out,sat on it, and then now I see
people doing it and I'm like,and I'm like I had that idea,

(02:55):
yeah, why didn't I?

Speaker 2 (02:56):
freaking, do it.
Yeah, so now I'm in theopposite where I should.
I wish you the blind email in asecond or I will start
something in a second but alsomy issue, which is why, like I
offer life coaching, slashmental health coaching.
Yeah, I put it out there.
Now have I put prices out thereor anything else?
No, I know.
I started the process, just howhe completely finished it.

(03:17):
But yeah, I understand.
A hundred percent, all right,okay.
So how do you protect yourmental health?
100%, all right, okay.
So how do you protect your?

Speaker 3 (03:24):
mental health Now going well.
And I say this, and the peoplethat have noticed, I have not
been to church in like a month,except for today.
I finally went today.
But going to church readingcertain scriptures I don't, and
I'm being honest, I don't readmy Bible like I should.
So I can't say like, oh, beingin the word because truth is I'm

(03:46):
not, but honestly, just talkingto God about it.
I used to be so like my mentalhealth was shit.
I'm going to be honest.
And I found myself always goingto other people, going to
people and well, what do youthink and what do you think
about this and how should I goabout that?
And it was not good.

(04:08):
I mean, people didn't steer methe wrong way, but I wanted
validation, I wanted to seekthat from, from people, and I
shouldn't have of you know.
And so, um, yeah, now it's just, and I did.
I did go to therapy for alittle bit too.
So when people say, oh,therapy's dumb, it doesn't help,
and this isn't that.
First of all, I'm like what.

(04:31):
When I realized I was theproblem, it was like, holy cow,
what have I been doing all theseyears?
You know just pointing thefinger at someone else and you
know being like I'm good and I'mfine.
And I realized there was somuch more trauma that I was just
slapping a bandaid over andletting people treat me how they

(04:53):
wanted to and being like, ohwell, it's just because they're
going through something, or youknow, that's just how they are
and no, that's not okay.
And so now I think within thelast, maybe about two or three
years, you know going to therapyand going to church and knowing
myself, now I can catch on towhen I'm overwhelmed or feeling

(05:18):
anxious or when someone sayssomething and I'm like I don't
like the way that I feel.
No, let me.
Okay, this is how I shouldapproach this, instead of
lashing out and I mean honestlybeing crazy, because I have been
before.

Speaker 2 (05:32):
I mean so yeah, no, it's, that's what I think.
If you go to therapy and youhave a therapist, part of it is,
yes, to help you unpack, butalso to give you coping skills
to where you can navigate everyday in life, because your
therapist most times anyway, isnot just in your back pocket.
Yeah, like you know, you go seeher or him, maybe once a week.
I think the least amount oftime I went was once every two

(05:57):
weeks when I first started, andthen it went to once a month and
then I stopped for about a yearand a half.
I'm back now and I weareverything.

Speaker 3 (06:06):
I really want to start going back again just
because I know that my mentalstate has gotten better, but
there are still little thingsthat I know that I struggle with
, and I really do have to.
Of course, if I'm by myself, Ihave to sit in silence and be
like, okay, why am I feelingthis way and what did so-and-so

(06:26):
do or what did they say to makeme feel like this and can?
How can I approach themdifferently without just being
full attack mode?
Yeah, you know to where it'sgoing to end up, blowing up into
something a thousand timesworse than what it really is.
Yeah, and so?

Speaker 2 (06:42):
yeah, it definitely also.
I think, just because you wentto therapy once, you know a lot
of us are in different seasons.
Different seasons come withdifferent challenges.
Yeah, and I think it's alwaysgood to have a safe person to
unpack and to kind of guide youin the direction you need to go
healthy, watch it and guide you,but it don't mean.

Speaker 3 (06:59):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (07:00):
A different, a different conversation anyway.
How do you um what's yourself-care routine?
Um self-care like mentally orjust like I know you go to the
gym oh, yeah, okay, yeah.

Speaker 3 (07:13):
So now, yes, I, I do go to the gym, yeah, so
self-care.
At first I didn't think of thegym as really self-care because
back then it was my job.
Yeah, so it was my job to bethere and it was my job to take
care of everyone else and forthose people to unpack.
People think, you know, evenwith coaching, when I was at
Midland Christian, you knowpeople think like, oh, you just

(07:35):
tell the kids what to do andwhat to run.
And I'm like Deanna understandthat some of these kids are
adopted into these families andwhen they come to me and they
have the hard, you know, coachFalcon, are your parents still
married?
Yeah, my parents have beenmarried for now like 34 years,
you know.
Well, you know my parents are.

(07:56):
And why didn't my parents loveme to keep me?
Why is this happening?
And it's like I'm the adult hereand I'm supposed to tell you,
like I'm supposed to give youadvice, like what you know, even
at the gym, you know it's like,okay, yeah, let's start the
class, lift this weight, blah,blah, blah.
But then you have people thatstay after and you just get into

(08:17):
these deep conversations andwhen the conversation's done, an
hour later you sit in your carand you're like, oh my gosh,
like not only am I going throughstuff, but you are too, and I
still have to go home and cookdinner.
And you're on the back of mymind and then what I'm gonna do
at work tomorrow and how this isgonna be, it's a lot, yeah.
So now, now going to the gym,as just, I guess you could say,

(08:42):
a member or an athlete, it'slike oh, this is, this is nice,
you know, or um what?
And then I picked up golf, sogoing to all that, so how is
that going for you?
I love it.
I'm actually and not to toot myown horn, but I'm actually
pretty good Like I, like I, Ireally am.

(09:06):
But I went into it.
At first it was just like, oh,hey, I'm gonna go golf.
Do you want to come with me?
Yeah, cool.
And it was like, oh, this iskind of fun being the athlete
that I am.
Though it was like, oh, I wantto be good at this.
Though, like you know, andanyone that I've met, especially
that you know, going to all thegolf courses people are like
you know, how long have you beenplaying?

(09:26):
And I'm like, oh, no, don't,just because I dress the part,
yeah, it does not mean.
But they're like it never getseasier.
And you're always going to bemad.
And I'm like, oh, and now, yes,it does not get easier.
And I'm always mad Because I'mlike why is my ball going off
this way, when my hips arepointed this way?
How did my wrist turn out?
But anyways, even besides allthat, it is just to go out there

(09:49):
and just to hit and go searchfor my ball and probably lose
five of them, but I'm still allright with it.

Speaker 2 (09:57):
I try to pop golf in Lubbock once I suck.
My ball never registered, Iguess, for the yards.

Speaker 3 (10:04):
Oh yes, you had a zero.
Mom never registered, I guess,for the yards or whatever.
Oh yeah, so you had a zeroscore, yeah.

Speaker 2 (10:07):
Aaron definitely beat me Just a second.
I mean he'd be saying thatstuff, but anyway, yeah.
But yeah, that's like, that'scool.
Maybe one of these.
I need to go when it's not hot,though.

Speaker 3 (10:15):
See, and I don't mind being out there when it's hot,
nope.

Speaker 2 (10:19):
I wouldn't mind trying to and get like to go.
Yeah, they broke off.
Uh-huh I, when it's hot, I,yeah my attitude.
I should not be that way.
I'm working on it.
What advice would you give youryounger self?

Speaker 3 (10:31):
put yourself first put yourself first all the time,
because for years I have alwaysput other people before me, I
have put men before me and, yeah, I have never just done it for
me until recently.
And I mean and I say thatlightly because I still really

(10:53):
do work on that but I also knowthat I really do have like a
giving heart, and so I just wantto give and I want to keep
giving and I want to help and doall that, and then I sit back
at the end of the day and I'mlike well, what did you do for
yourself, you know?
And so that's where theboundaries come in, and um, but
yeah, no, I can relate to that.

Speaker 2 (11:14):
I serve and serve.
And, um, I have a friend, megan.
I was talking to her one day.
I was like I'm here helpingeveryone and I don't even have a
college degree to get the jobthat I want to be able to
provide another life for myself.

Speaker 3 (11:25):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (11:25):
Which is one of the main reasons why I got into
school and I did step down fromsome things where I was serving
at, because I was like I got tofocus and pour a little bit into
me.

Speaker 3 (11:37):
So that way.

Speaker 2 (11:37):
I can then pour more into my community, because my
end goal is to become a LPC.
I would like to have my ownpractice and be able to serve
and help my community, see howamazing they are, and do that
while you're on the road.
You need to actually go Exactly, understand that.
And I know you have siblings.
So what is?
Where are you in the line ofI'm the oldest?
Okay, that was going to be my.

(11:58):
Okay, so I'm the oldest, yeah,so so when you were talking
about it, I was like I wonder ifshe just happens to be the
oldest, Because I thinkautomatically when being the
oldest, our parents probablydon't realize it, but you know
we're helping your siblingautomatically, so it's a trait
that we learn to just care foreveryone else.

Speaker 3 (12:28):
So the crazy thing is at work I have seen it a lot
recently where the mom comes inand you know she has three, four
kids and she, the mom, istelling like the, the oldest,
let's say the daughter like gotake care of your brother, go
get your brother, don't let himrun around.
Or the mom is just completelyoblivious and is doing what she
needs to do and worrying aboutherself and naturally the oldest
kid is running around doingwhat she is with the little one.
And so for us, as far as Iremember, my mom wasn't like

(12:51):
that, my mom was more so.
She'd be like, hey, who's themom here?
And I'd be like, all right, mybad, like I'm just trying to
help you out.
But when my baby sister whichshe's now 21, 22, but when she
was little we're 10 or 11 yearsapart, I want, she was like my
real life baby doll.
So if I ever heard her cry, Iwould go into my mom's room and

(13:11):
be like what's wrong with hermama, like can I hold her?
Like I wanted to be there forher.
And that's where my mom wouldbe like, hey, I got her, like
you know, let me, and so, butyeah, being the oldest,
naturally, not even just formyself, but I think we just put
it on us.
Like you know, you have to bethe strongest and don't show
your siblings that you're weakand be the example.

(13:31):
That way they can see whatyou're doing.
I even have some of my auntslike their kids are younger and
I've heard it from one of themwhere she's always like she
tells her daughter she's asenior this year.
You know, like you should, youshould want to be like Kelsey.
You know Kelsey travels andKelsey does this.
And I'm like do you not knowthat?
I'm like I'm kind of messed upin the head a little bit and

(13:55):
I'll, and I'll be like don't doit.
Like it's a trap.
I'm like, oh good, you knowit's, it's nice, but sometimes
I'm like, is it just a frontthat I'm putting up?
You know, and it's hard,because I don't really know if
my siblings have ever reallyseen me cry or have ever been
like are you OK?
Like you know, do you need totalk or whatever?
Like I don't just text mysiblings and be like, hey, this

(14:18):
is what's going on and yeah.

Speaker 2 (14:20):
Me neither, yep.
So they always ask me how areyou doing?
And I say I think they're doinggood, like I'll check, I'll
check in on, yeah, but no, it'sone of those things where it's
and I'm, I think margaret's atwo-year gap, 10, 10 and a nine
year, a little sister, um, andshe's just became a, a rn for
pediatrics I say just becamethat's.
She did not just become.
She's been there for aboutmaybe a year, a year and a a

(14:42):
half.
Yeah, my little brother'smarried and has a baby.
But yeah, no, I check on him.
It's very rare that it comesback, you know.

Speaker 3 (14:49):
Yeah, hey.

Speaker 2 (14:49):
I need to check on you, and it's not all of my
siblings, oh, okay.

Speaker 3 (14:52):
I have a brother more on my dad's side, you know.
But I have a really good familyand we have amazing parents and
the way that we were brought upand raised, you don't hear that

(15:13):
a lot.
Like you don't hear having goodrelationships.
Like my siblings, we've nevernot spoken to one another.
We've never called each otherugly names, we've never fought
Like you know, we may bickerhere and there, but it's never
been anything.
I've never said, oh, I'm nottalking to my mom right now.
To me, I'm like you don't talkto your mom?
Why, like, what happened?

(15:33):
Was it that serious?
You know, like that's it reallyis.
And so when my siblings come tome and you know they're like oh
well, mama was saying this anddaddy said this and blah, blah,
and I'm like hey, like they'retelling you for your own good,
you know they're not attackingyou.
I'm like y'all need to see howI'm seeing now, you know, like a

(15:57):
buffer, yes, and so, but yeah,why were we talking about that?
It was the advice you would giveto your younger what is one

(16:20):
moment that shaped or changedyour life?
Um, man, um, I mean, if we wantto say like recently, uh be
whatever you want yeah, becauseI don't.
I don't think there's been likeanything traumatic in my life.
Um, of course, going throughbreakups are rough, but I think
the most recent breakup, a yearago, that, straight up how would

(16:43):
I say it that wrecked me like Icouldn't.
It was from.
It was from literally like one,like one moment to the next,
where it was like I'm done, thisis it and I have.
I had a, we had a home together,we had vehicles together, like
we had a life, we have.
I mean, he has a daughter.
So we I had a family.

(17:04):
Yeah, you know, I, I had awhole family and I thought that
was like it for me.
And so when it was like no,this isn't working, it was like
what do you mean?
Like how, and just things thatwere said, and having to call my
parents at four o'clock in themorning and being like hey,
y'all have to come help me getmy stuff out.
I wasn't gonna wait until thenext day and, you know, you know

(17:27):
my parents, like I said,they're great they went in two
different vehicles and we packedup my stuff and I was like, wow
, this is really happening, likeI, honestly I couldn't believe
it.

Speaker 2 (17:37):
Do you shock yourself that she stood up for yourself?

Speaker 3 (17:40):
Yes, yes, and to this day I think that's what makes
me more emotional is becauseit's like I did that, like I did
for you, and I could havestayed.
I and I think back even, likewhere I'm at now and I'll kind
of second guess and be like, whydid I just stay?
Why didn't I just say, hey,let's go to bed and we'll talk

(18:00):
about this tomorrow, you know?
But it was like, ok, no, youwant me to leave, then I'll
leave, like kind of like I'llshow you, you know, and um, but
anyway, yeah, that I think thatdid and that I was already going
to church, but I think thatreally put me in it more.
And that is also when it waslike it's just you and god, you

(18:21):
got in your and your family.

Speaker 2 (18:22):
Whatever you need.

Speaker 3 (18:23):
Yeah, exactly and so.
But yeah, that was it was wild.

Speaker 2 (18:29):
Well, from you starting this podcast and saying
you know self-confidence is inyou, working through, to then
saying your biggest moment isrecently, when you set up for
yourself, I would say you'redefinitely taking steps towards,
I guess, building your sense ofbelieving in yourself and
knowing that what you deserveand what you don't deserve, yeah
, so kudos to you.

Speaker 3 (18:46):
Yeah, what did the kids say?
Somebody did that at church tome today Clock it, it's, clock
it, right.
I don't even know, but I waslike it was Kat.
So, kat, if you're listening tothis, I don't know what she was
talking about.
She probably sent you the clockit yeah, it yeah.
And I was like you know, Ithought what does that mean?
Because to me, when people dothis, I think of the little

(19:07):
violin.

Speaker 2 (19:07):
You know, when they're like no no, oh man, I
know you're talking about mynephew.
Yeah, nowadays, this thing thatclock you're like, but what is
that?
I think, oh gosh, if anyonegoes into this like you, better
explain that you tag it or putin a comment or something.
But I think, clock it is liketo me.
It kind of reminds me likeperiod poo, like oh, okay, like

(19:29):
how do you explain that?
um, like that it was good, no,or like it is what it is.
Or did you catch that?
Clock it like.
Did you catch that?
Clock it like I?
There was a thing I posted onmy facebook and it was like not
everyone is there for your good,oh yeah, make sure you clock it
, meaning like, watch it like oh, okay, okay, got it, got it

(19:51):
yeah okay, somebody's gonna belike that is not what that means
, my bad yeah anyway.
Um, what is your mindset whenyou're told no or a door shut?

Speaker 3 (20:09):
My mindset immediately goes to I failed,
I'm a failure, I'm adisappointment.

Speaker 2 (20:14):
Really.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Actually, I can see how you getthere.

Speaker 3 (20:17):
Yep, and it's not often that, I guess, I'm told no
but, when I am, it's like whatdid I do wrong?
Like I immediately think thatlike I, like I was told no.
But when I am, it's like whatdid I do wrong?
Like I immediately think thatlike I was the problem, yeah,
yeah, and that is something thatI need to work on.

Speaker 2 (20:32):
I mean sometimes Dean , and sometimes they do be us,
but sometimes they don't be us.
Yeah, All right guys.
So I'm quite excited about this.
I don't know if you guys knowthe game Not Really Stranger.
It kind of walks you through tobe able to like icebreaker game
, to get to know the peopleyou're playing the game with.
I've played it with Erin, I'veplayed it with Erin's family,

(20:55):
but I get to play it with Kelseytoday, so I'm excited.
So you have different levels.
I think we're going to draw twocards each from each one and we
both have dig deeper cards, soif we feel like the other one is
not digging deep enough, we canplay it and we get to use it
once.
This should be exciting.

Speaker 3 (21:17):
I'm excited.

Speaker 2 (21:18):
Do you want to go first?

Speaker 3 (21:18):
My heart is racing just a little bit.
Oh wait, You'd like for me?

Speaker 2 (21:21):
to pull.
Yeah, you pull.
And then I guess, oh, that'sright, yeah, let's see, all
right.
Oh, wow, oh gosh, what is mybody language telling you right
now?
Right now, uh, I think you'rechilling.
Right now, nothing's cross.
Cross usually kind of meanslike standoffish, yeah, but no,

(21:42):
like you just relax and leanback in the chair.
So that's what I cool, okay, Ilike it and then I go straight
to crossing the line.

Speaker 3 (21:50):
I'm like, maybe because she had a purse well,
this would be a good one.

Speaker 2 (21:54):
What was your first impression of me?
You?

Speaker 3 (21:57):
were bubbly.
Yeah, you were just bubbly andyou, you like, were not afraid.
Man, when did we meet?

Speaker 2 (22:03):
I'm sure I think about that so fun fact for those
who don't know Kelsey and Istarted together in the Young
Adults Ministry at Hope AliveChurch.
But I'm trying to think whendid I meet you?
I don't think I met you at thegym.
I think I met you at church.
Yeah, and I think it might haveto be honest with you.

Speaker 3 (22:31):
I think what it think , but I just remember watching
you go through church and I wasjust like, oh, like you were
just so, like you just werecarefree.
You just talked to everyone.
And even though, like myprofessions, I've done or I do
what I do when I talk in frontof people I get so nervous.
Oh, me too, girl.
You didn't seem like it.
I probably was sweating in theinside.

Speaker 2 (22:47):
Yeah.
But yeah that's what I thoughtit'd be Same one, right?

Speaker 3 (22:52):
Yeah, let's see.
Do you think I've ever checkedan ex's phone for evidence?
Girl probably I've never Reallymy whole entire life.
I have never, Because I don'twant to hurt my own feelings.

Speaker 2 (23:09):
I have never.
Well, I didn't check her phone,I really didn't check it.
I logged on to the laptop.

Speaker 1 (23:15):
Now don't get me wrong.
I thought of it.
It all popped up.

Speaker 2 (23:16):
Yeah, I was like see that it all popped up.
Yeah, see that this is whatwe're walking into.
The whole conversation it waswhen Zoom was a thing, a site,
one of those two, so the videowas done, but the chat was still
there.
Oh no, anyways, what characterwould I play in a movie?

(23:37):
The what?

Speaker 3 (23:40):
I mean, what the heck ?
What character Dang?
That's a good question.
What character would you be ina movie?
I don't know.

Speaker 2 (23:50):
I think if I had to play like, if I had to answer
this own question for myself, Iprobably would say like
someone's mom or something.

Speaker 3 (23:58):
You'd be in a comedy for sure.

Speaker 2 (24:00):
Oh yeah, no, I couldn't.
My acting skills suck.

Speaker 3 (24:02):
So if it's a comedy.
I don't know if I'm going tomake it.
I was in theater in junior highand high school.

Speaker 2 (24:07):
No, I did it in junior high.
I loved it Sarah why are youover there, sarah?

Speaker 3 (24:13):
Oh, like the robot.

Speaker 2 (24:15):
No, no, you're right, I would need a.
You're right, I would need acomedy, for sure yeah yeah,
cause I don't know.
You told me cry on scene.

Speaker 3 (24:22):
It probably won't happen as you can tell my voice
is cracking everywhere, let'ssee.

Speaker 2 (24:28):
I guess.
So wait, the first one was whatyou thought of each other.
What's the second oneconnection?

Speaker 3 (24:34):
oh okay, wild card, ask a question.
You'd be too afraid to askSomething you wouldn't dare to
ask.
Ask a question you'd be tooafraid to ask, like to each
other, or just to anyone.

Speaker 2 (24:47):
I guess either one I don't know, I'm assuming to each
other, but I really don't havea question that I would be too
afraid to ask Me either.
I think you should drop it atthe car, okay, yeah, me too.

Speaker 3 (24:55):
I was like I don't know.
Yeah, I don't even know how toanswer that one.
Is there a feeling you miss?

Speaker 2 (25:04):
That is good.
It's a feeling that I can tellyou, one that I do not miss,
which is like I feel like whenyou're in a toxic home life or a
toxic relationship and you'relike the anxiety and on edge of
like what's really going tohappen.
Now I don't miss it.
So now I just go how?

(25:25):
Can you become a better personbut um, um, I can.

Speaker 3 (25:29):
I know that I can become a better person by not
allowing my feelings to take aneffect right away and have, um,
have the have the reaction thatI I shouldn't have, because I've
I've done that for years where,if, if I see something, if I
hear something, or whatever thecase is, I immediately I not

(25:54):
that I get angry, but I'm sohurt so I go from like zero to a
hundred and I just get superemotional and I cry.
And my thing is I want to knowwhy.
Why did you say that?
Why did you do this?
Why did you treat me this way?
Why?
Why was I not enough?
Like tell me why.
I don't want to hear, just, Idon't know, I don't know.

(26:15):
No, you, you do know, so tellme why I don't know Cause my.

Speaker 2 (26:18):
So tell me why.
Out of my system, because I'mthe opposite, I go like real
chill to it, like I don't wantto say.

Speaker 3 (26:25):
I'm tempered, but like, like defensively, I think
that may be yeah, because I'mnot like spiraling, but it's
just like a disbelief type thing.

Speaker 2 (26:35):
I guess, but I'm right there with her.

Speaker 3 (26:38):
Am I on two, yes, another wild card.
What is up with you, these wild?
Cards both players write anembarrassing fun fact about
yourselves.
Play a game of rock paperscissor.

Speaker 2 (26:48):
Loser must reveal I'm trying to figure one.
Do that, I don't know.

Speaker 3 (26:52):
At first I don't think I was gonna say uh, I
don't think I've had anythingembarrassing.
Don't pick a wild card, I don'tthink that was embarrassing
though yeah, I thought it wasonly.
Have you ever have you changedyour mind about anything
recently?

Speaker 2 (27:07):
um, yes, I've changed my mind on the fact that I
cannot do a lot of things likeso I started a marketing company
for non-profits and have I putit out there?
No, because I felt like a lotof marketing companies, you know
, odyssey.
None of them really havewashington.
The ones that I've met I havenot really had the passion for,
not.
Uh, yeah, sure, someone does,but anyway, someone you can do

(27:28):
it.
Certify life, a, it's a mentalhealth.
I'm certified to do it and Ican do it.
I just don't do it.
Um, I changed my mind on thefact that you can do it.
Just try finishing.
Yeah, that's my thing, I canhave a you can do it, just try
Finishing.

Speaker 3 (27:42):
Yeah, that's my thing , finishing it.

Speaker 2 (27:43):
I can have a great start and even point it out.

Speaker 3 (27:45):
That's what I'm saying, and then it goes in my
desk.

Speaker 2 (27:48):
I don't know why they got so many wild cards.
Okay, when you're asked how youare, how often do you answer
that question?
Never, really.

Speaker 3 (27:59):
Yeah, I'm using my go deeper.
Why, um, I don't know?
Because most times and it's notthat I'm afraid to share,
because I, I do share, but Idon't want people to be like
you're talking about this again,you feel this way about this
again for the fifth, sixth,tenth time, and it's old and

(28:23):
it's redundant.
And to other people it's likewell, it's just easy to do, it's
just easy to do it.
Just, you know, blah, blah,blah.
And I'm like but it's not forme, you know.
And so another thing too is, ifI'm going through something,
you're probably also goingthrough something.
So it's easier for you just totell me what you're going

(28:44):
through and let me help you,even if I just listen rather
than me tell you, because, notto be mean, but at the end of
the day, I'm still going to dowhat I want to do, you know.
And so it's like no, like I'mgood, you know how are you.
And then, nine out of 10 times,people usually just start
sharing and I'm like okay, likeyeah, and then it does make me

(29:04):
feel better because I'm like, oh, like you know, they trust me
to talk to me about things likethat.
But then, at the same time,it's like how do I do it?
Yeah?

Speaker 2 (29:12):
Yeah, that's another reason why I got into therapy is
because one thing the Lord hasblessed me with, a lot of people
say I'm like the easy decision.
One thing the Lord has blessedme with a lot of people say I'm
like the easy decision andespecially, probably going
through extra training where Ican help guide a conversation to
where I can figure out what'sactually going on.
Yeah, but it got to a pointwhere, because some of it is
light, it can be very heavy.
Yeah, so I had to go to therapyto figure out, okay, hey, so

(29:35):
yes, I do have my own stuffgoing on, but yes, I do want to
get into mental health.
So how do I cope withnavigating?
Um, you know, carrying myneighbor's burdens while
carrying my own burdens?
Yes, um, but also still being alight and being present to
those in front of my face?
Yeah, um.
And then I was a couple monthsago and they posted it was my

(29:56):
thing was.
I thought part of carrying theburden was coming up with an
answer for me or whatever.
Well, I don't have to come upwith the answer to help you
navigate it, to walk with you.
God comes up with the answerI'm just here to support.
So that's kind of has helped meto where, when individuals do
want to unload, it's easier forme to digest now because you

(30:20):
know I can give you advice ifyou want the advice, or I can
just listen.
But I have to remember, mosttimes they're not really coming
to you for the solution for theproblem.
I'm not God, so we're both goingto pray, and we're going to
pray for the Lord to makesomething happen for you,
because he can.
And in the meantime, yes, Iwill encourage you, I will
uplift you, I will pray for you,I will walk with you through it

(30:41):
.

Speaker 3 (30:42):
I do not have to.
And I think another thing toois, you know, when you do open
up, or when I have opened up tosomeone and it can be, you know,
semi deep or deep, and themchecking in and sometimes like
I'll read it and I'm like I'mfine, like you don't have to

(31:04):
check in on me, you know, andthat it's like, hey, you know,
like you just told them what wasgoing on, like it's okay for
them to do that, because whenit's me, I I have so many
messages where I'm like, hey,just checking, just checking on
you, checking in on you, youknow, hope you have a good day.
But I don't like it whensomebody else does it to me.
yeah you know um but yeah, butwhen they so do you appreciate
it.
You don't appreciate it whensomebody else does it to me.

Speaker 2 (31:22):
Yeah, you know, but yeah, but when they so, do you
appreciate it or you don'tappreciate it at all when they
check in.

Speaker 3 (31:26):
I do appreciate it.
It just in that moment it'slike I'm fine, you know.

Speaker 2 (31:32):
But then I'm like, Are you?

Speaker 1 (31:33):
really fine no.

Speaker 2 (31:35):
I'm not fine.

Speaker 3 (31:36):
But I'm just like I'm okay, uh yeah, but I think too
like uh, cause what was thequestion again?
Uh how often?
Because I have two things in myhead that I want to say and I'm
like I'm like, uh, I don't know, I don't hit the card yet.

Speaker 2 (31:54):
Um, when you're asked , how are you?
How often do you answer?
Oh, yeah.
Often do you answer oh, yeah,yeah, okay, yeah, yeah.
But I think the average persondoesn't and to me I'm the honest
with you it depends on theperson asking the question.
To me, yeah, like if I see youare a, um, a safe person and
someone that maybe can to handlewhatever, I'm going to tell you
maybe it's a safe breath.

(32:15):
Um, then I might, yeah, but no,I've been burnt by a lot of
friends, same.
So I quite often will tellsomeone I'm yeah, and if I'm not
, especially if you don't followup with, are you sure?

Speaker 3 (32:27):
or something.

Speaker 2 (32:27):
Yeah, I'm chilling, I'm going to keep pushing and I
probably will let you even thentell me that you're not fine and
let you have tell me whatever'sgoing on with you.
And I would just.

Speaker 3 (32:37):
Especially at church.
There are certain people thatbecause I usually get to church
early, so I get there and I'mjust scrolling on my phone and
they'll come up and they'll belike hey, how's it going?
I'm like, hey, I'm good.
And then it's like they look atme and they're like are you
good?
And immediately my heart startsracing and I'm like, yeah, and

(32:57):
I know that I break eye contact.
And then they sit down or theyjust like hold their hand out or
they'll hug me and I'm like, oh, and then it just all comes out
you know the safe, safe place.
Yeah, um, it really does, yeah.
And then I'm like, but anyway,I'm fine, I'm fine and then it
goes back to the what's the same.

Speaker 2 (33:16):
I it's.
Sometimes it's okay to not beokay.
Yeah, you just can't like it.
I think it's okay to not beokay.
Yeah, you just can't.
I think it's okay to not beokay to spend some time in the
idea of not being okay.

Speaker 3 (33:26):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (33:26):
But not to just make that a permanence.

Speaker 3 (33:28):
Yeah, at some point you have to get up, I think,
because for years, yeah, foryears, it was always I don't
know why I just I had thismindset that I wasn't really
supposed to feel anything orshow people, mindset that I
wasn't really supposed to feelanything or show people.
And with again, with training,with coaching, like I had to be
there.
I felt like I had to be therefor all these other people and

(33:50):
so, no, don't, don't let themknow what's going on.
You know, be the strong one, bethe one that has it together,
hold it together.
Um, let them confide in you,but don't, don't let them know,
don't show them your, your week,you know, and, um, yeah, that.
And then I, after a while, thenthat's when I was like, oh yeah,

(34:10):
I need to, I need to go totherapy, because that's not okay
, like I should be able to belike, hey, you know what?
Yeah, you're right, I'm sadtoday.
Or, you know, I'm a littleupset today, or today just
wasn't a good day, or whatever,because I've told people for
years like I don't really havebad days and I'm like you're
such a liar.
You do have not a bad day, butan off day, you know, but I

(34:32):
don't.
I guess it's one where, like Idon't take it out on people,
yeah, but inside like I'mscreaming and I'm like, yeah,
but yeah, there's nothing wrongwith you know not taking out on.

Speaker 2 (34:44):
Yeah, I'm realizing you know the game is called
Night of the Strangers, but I'mrealizing they're very similar.
You can go to that number, Okay.

Speaker 3 (34:54):
Based on what you know about me.
Do you have any Netflixrecommendations?

Speaker 2 (34:59):
Let's just back up here.
I watch Netflix with erin, so Ireally don't watch it that
often okay do you watch any likehulu, apple, anything on your?
Own time to time.
Um shoot, let me think Iprobably do have some, but I
don't have to like really lookat my stuff and see what I've
watched okay, I just, I juststarted, I just spent, I just

(35:22):
started.
It's the braces.
You say it all yourself.

Speaker 3 (35:25):
Yes, there's a show on Apple TV called Shrinking.
Oh, what's that?
Three therapists oh, it's sogood though it's funny.
So it's not just all serious,but like seeing how they are
like with their patients and howthey take them outside of.
Just how are you feeling?
Why do you think that makes youfeel that way, treating them

(35:47):
like a human?
It's a.
It's a really good show, whiledealing with life, literal,
literal, life changing things.
Yeah, I don't want to spoil itfor you, but if you have time,
definitely watch.
It's really good yeah.

Speaker 2 (36:00):
We watch a lot of like rom-coms.
If I watch TV by myself, I likeSWAT Really.
I've watched all of it and I'mwatching it all over again.
So we're and last night heturned it off mid like episode
and I said, oh, it's gettingready to get good and he looked
at me and he said you alreadywatched it.

Speaker 3 (36:17):
I said, no, I you already know, I know.

Speaker 2 (36:18):
That's why I know it's about to be good, that's a
good thing, but I had no problemwatching it, so I have to go
see what we want.
I like a lot of like romanticmovies, me too, those are my
things.
I like to cry, even thoughStraw was a good one.
Did you watch Straw, charliePerry's Straw?
Oh yeah, that one.
Yeah, that one was good.
That one kind of gave me.

(36:39):
It lit a little fire in me tolike it was a reminder to you.
Know everyone, people are goingthrough.

Speaker 3 (36:46):
Yeah, to pay attention.

Speaker 2 (36:48):
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 (36:48):
So for sure.
So fun fact is well, I didn'tfinish college, but I started
college with the idea of I wantto be a teacher, I want to be a
coach of.
I want to be a teacher, I wantto be a coach.
So my Kines degree halfwaythrough it changed to I wanted
to do psychology, I wanted tolearn about how people can, why

(37:09):
people think this way, to be acounselor or therapist, and that
has been on me since I was 19years old.
So what you're waiting on, Iknow, I know I'm waiting for my
damn feet to just start movingand being like this is where
we're going and this is whatwe're gonna do, because over the
years I've had close friendsthat had that, have had mental

(37:33):
health problems, and I've seenit in men, and now it's just
like let's let do this, let'sfix this, let me help you, and
so yeah, I know.

Speaker 2 (37:47):
So technically, right now I'm at Odessa College
getting my bachelor's inentrepreneurship and leadership.
It's pretty much thismanagement degree but it's not
called that.
And then I will then switchover to UT and get my master's
Nice and then hopefully theystill have it but anyway I will.

Speaker 3 (38:03):
How's jessie doing?

Speaker 2 (38:05):
I honestly, I think about it more than you can
imagine, if you don't want tostart, it just start and then
you can, you know, figure out,navigate.
But from there my thing wassomebody asked me why I was
doing business like, well, mydream is to own my own business.
Yeah, which you know the therapypart comes with a master's
right and I don't know how, to,you know, run the business what
it takes on that end and thenthrow in the master's degree not

(38:27):
to hang.
That's so awesome.
I'm like when I tell you I keep, I'm like so ready to be out of
oc, but I know I can't rush theseason of my life, but I really
wanted to be out of oc so I canget to ub, so I can get to
those courses.
But at the same time, lord'slike what if I still do the same
thing right now?
A smaller level, yeah, becauseI mean, if your mental health
diagnosis is too, I guess, toobig for me, but to where you may

(38:50):
need a therapy, but if it'slike something where you see a
little coaching, yeah, I got you, got you yeah but yeah, wait,
what number are we on?
three, right?
Yes on a one anyway, if youcould prescribe me one thing to
do for the rest of the month,what would it be and why?

Speaker 3 (39:08):
oh, commit to the gym .
Or, for a month, one day out ofthe week, just go to the
driving range around 6, 30, 7o'clock at night, just to try it
.
Where is that?
Even at?
At Ratliff?
Oh, they have snakes out there.

Speaker 2 (39:22):
I've seen.

Speaker 3 (39:23):
But I've heard that they do.
But the driving range is justaligned and you're in one spot,
so you're not on the course.
Oh, okay, trying to find yourball, you're just hitting.
Yeah, try it.

Speaker 2 (39:36):
But can.

Speaker 3 (39:36):
I do either one or just golf, Honestly either one,
okay, I'll mind to just golf.

Speaker 2 (39:40):
Uh, honestly, either one, okay, I'll let you.
I could probably do for surethe gym, because I've been going
like here recently how nice Igo to.
Um, oh, that's the college, weget our gym membership, oh yeah.

Speaker 3 (39:49):
So I just go over there, either walk outside or I
do the inside, like the looksfor treadmill uh-huh I guess
ac's on, but it's hot I feellike fresh, but you can change
it if you need to that's fine.

Speaker 2 (40:02):
That was a complete side note but, yeah that's what,
and I really want to do 75 hardagain because I think what I
lack in my life is.
That's why I started going tomcginn.
Yep, yeah, because that's twoworkouts every day.
One has to be outside 45minutes.
Each gallon of water and pagesthink Paige is going to die.

Speaker 3 (40:20):
So funny is I got this little, not a Hydro Flask,
what is it?
Hydra Peak, okay Okay, it wasstill expensive.
It's cute, it's a mind thing.
I would drink water, you know,from a water bottle or whatever,
with this little bad boythroughout the day.
It's probably about right underlike a bottle water, because

(40:42):
I've put one in there before.
I'm not kidding, I probablydrink about five to six a day.
Oh, because it's a cute cup,yeah, and I'm like why didn't I
do this years ago?
Like what?
But yeah, it's a mind thing.

Speaker 2 (40:54):
So I'm just like gotta drink my water I have a
cup, but mine is like a mine is.
I think that's.
Mine is a high, mine's biggerwith the handle, oh, uh, huh, um
, but it the straw goes down andI put stickers on it to make it
look like it's a cup.

Speaker 3 (41:07):
Oh, I literally take this, I pull it down everywhere
with me.

Speaker 2 (41:11):
Yeah, no, I could take the other one.
I just, like you said, it's amind thing, it really is I, I
put on some clothes or I seemyself in the, which reminds me
I saw you at Trish's baby showerpicture and I literally like
zoomed in and I was like shelooks good.
Talking to Aaron.
I was like how she looks good.
And he was like thanks.

Speaker 3 (41:30):
I've been a little hard on myself recently, but why
?

Speaker 2 (41:32):
you look good in that dress.
Like seriously, I was like ohmy gosh.

Speaker 3 (41:35):
I think, cause when I started going to the so
obviously you know, breakup wasa year ago I tried.
Did I work out?
You know what I'm lying?
I didn't.
After everything happened, Ithought, oh, whatever, but I
lost weight instead of gainedweight.
So then I had gotten likereally skinny and then so
January came and it was likecome to the gym, come to the gym

(41:58):
.
And I was like you know what,okay, fine, I.
It was like come to the gym,come to the gym.
And I was like you know what?
Okay, fine, I'll go to the gym.
And my first thought was whatare people going to say?
I had lost weight, but then Ihad gained weight and I
definitely didn't have themuscles when I.
I didn't have the same musclesfrom when the last time people
saw me, and so it's like, oh,they're going to think I look
disgusting and I can't lift theweight that I used to like.

(42:21):
I was in my head about it, yeah, and I wore like big shirts,
and I still do.
But, um, yeah, because it'sjust, I mean, I think, from
doing it for so long and peopleseeing me a certain way and then
to not seeing me that way, it'slike, girl, what happened to
you.
You know, and I shouldn't careabout that, but I strongly do

(42:45):
yeah yeah, even when I cut myhair like it was something I
wanted, and then when I did it,I was like what are people gonna
say?
You know, yeah.

Speaker 2 (42:55):
So but yeah, no matter what you do, someone is
always gonna have something tosay.
Oh, I know so, whether you loseweight, you gain weight,
they're gonna have something.
Yeah, short hair, long hair,something, no makeup, makeup
always gonna have opinion.
Oh, I know so, only opinionthat really matters, and I would
probably say yours, aboutyourself and god yeah, I was

(43:16):
gonna say in the lord.
Well, after that, the heck, therest of y'all.
Now some y'all ain't paying nobills, nothing.

Speaker 3 (43:21):
So what would make you feel closer to me?

Speaker 2 (43:31):
um, we need to go on our lunch.
Yeah, I think we really have alike a lot in confidence you
think so.
I just felt like this thing toyou and I'm like I can't relate
to nice.
I can relate to that, I thinkI'm.
My problem is where you careabout what people think I'm on
the opposite end, probably toofar to the left, where I'm like
I don't, where I probably shouldcare somewhat, yeah, but I

(43:54):
don't yeah, sometimes I,sometimes I don't and then, but
for the most part I really do no.
Yep, I will walk in there andsay something and walk back out
and, like my family, they'll saythat's just young.
And I'm like don't ignore me.

Speaker 3 (44:08):
What I say matters.

Speaker 2 (44:09):
But that's the way of saying, like she's just going
to do what she wants to do Forsure.

Speaker 3 (44:12):
I worked for another eye doctor in Midland for about
like five years and years and,um, we had hired this one young
girl from Nevada and, uh, shealways talked about like Vegas
and whatever.
She was cool.
She was a little different, butshe was cool.
I still talked to her, madeconversation, whatever.
Um, I don't know if she gotfired or if she just quit, like

(44:34):
from one day to the next, butanyway, uh, so, like you know,
she was gone and the doctor oneday came and he was like hey,
like you know, what did youthink about so?
And so I forgot the girl.
Day came and he was like hey,like you know, what did you
think about?
So-and-so?
I forgot the girl's name and Iwas like, oh, you know, like she
was different, but she was cool.
You know whatnot?
We had a few things in common.
And he was like she hated youand I was like what?

(44:57):
And he was like Kelsey, shetalked so bad about you one day
and I was like what did she say?
And he's like she just didn'tlike you and I was like but why,
like, why did she not like me?
And this was so long ago Ican't even remember, but to this
day I think about that and I'mlike man, that girl really hated

(45:18):
me she probably had hated thelight that was inside of me?
I don't know, but I think thatI'm like I wonder who else hates
me, or who just doesn't like me, or I think that you can walk
in a room, and probably I meansomeone in there, for sure, at
least one is not going to likeyou.
Oh yeah, and sometimes I canfeel it and I'm like, oh yeah,

(45:39):
that person does not like me andI, I can feel it and I'm like,
oh yeah, that person does notlike me and I'm like, well, like
you know, like that.
But if it's someone that I wasworking with that you know we
talked and she wasn't mean to me, and then to be like, oh, she
hated you, it's like damn.

Speaker 2 (45:52):
See, if I'm saying I'm I'm too far over here, I'm
like I don't, really don't careif you don't like me, yeah, you
don't like.
You don't pay my bills.
You're not God, you're not myhusband.

Speaker 3 (46:01):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (46:02):
I think I've spent too much time people pleasing to
where.
That's what I'm saying.
I went too far left and I'msuch I need to come back a
couple of notches.

Speaker 3 (46:10):
Yeah, I'm such a people pleaser.
I have gotten better slightly,because now I can really pick up
on what I'm doing.
Not that I'm doing too much forsomeone, but if I feel like, oh
, that's your people pleasing,that's too much, you know, like
don't just bring it back in alittle bit.
You know, and I have to, I haveto remind myself like you're

(46:33):
not being mean and you're notnot being there for that person
or looking out for theirwell-being, but that that's a?
Would it be a trauma response?
Probably, yeah.

Speaker 2 (46:42):
So, yeah, being, but that that's a would it be a
trauma response probably yeah.
So yeah, I think a lot of times.
Um, I learned from pastormartha aaron and I did
premarital counseling.
I was doing a lot of living insurvival mode I wasn't actually
living.
Yeah, um, and I think survivalmode comes with, like the people
pleasing low self-esteem.
Um, just putting everyone firstbefore myself.
That kind of woke me up.

(47:02):
For sure that that I'm sessionsto an hour.
I'm out here just living life.
We're just taking chances.
Business email trying to showyou think about what's working
with me.
You know we are, and don't getme wrong there are times when I
walk into and I literallywalking in half the time myself.
Um, when the Aaron told me likeyou don't puff up, you don't
shrink, you, just be yourself.

(47:22):
And plenty of times when I walkinto rooms and I tell myself
that because, um, especiallybeing like a african-american
female in this area, a lot oftimes I walk into different
rooms and there's no one thatlooks like yeah, so I have to be
comfortable in my own skin andremember what I'm bringing to
the table, um, but there's timeswhere I'm like here or I may
say yes to something.

(47:43):
I really don't want to be there.
I've gotten better with that,though yeah, then like on the
event.
A thing comes, I'm dreading it,or yeah, turns out, I'd rather
be somewhere I'd be better withit.

Speaker 3 (47:52):
I know I do have a bad habit of comparing myself.
Yeah, I know what and I'm likewhy?
Why do I do that?
Yeah, and I look at the peopleI'm surrounded with or by and
I'm just like you.
You do not need to be doingthat, like you know what's for
you?

Speaker 2 (48:09):
what's for you Exactly, god's time?
What did Dr Manny Manny Arango,yeah, he said today, when God
trusts you, oh, yeah, yeah, begood steward of what you got.

Speaker 3 (48:19):
It probably something , that notebook you ain't doing,
oh, I know for for a fact, yeah, that if those three little
things have been on me evengoing to school since I was 19
and I'm 33 right now, like comeon you can't look at he's.

Speaker 2 (48:34):
He told me yeah, I can, you got it right there in
that little notebook of yours.

Speaker 3 (48:38):
it's's all right, You're in this big old head too.
I know y'all see, this foreheadGirl Do I?

Speaker 2 (48:45):
Oh, and we're probably left in here that talks
about me and my family all thetime.
And we do.
It's a genetic thing.
When you see us, you'll be like, oh yeah, so.
I understand that you must be acousin, don't know, it's me a

(49:10):
cousin don't know.
Okay, this is a funny question.
Um what?

Speaker 3 (49:12):
am I most qualified to give advice about life,
everything?
Uh.
So I don't know like your story, like when you were married
before mm-hmm, and I've neverjust been like what happened,
but I think that would.

Speaker 2 (49:25):
I can give you a fast version, yeah, if you don't
mind.
So I got married at 22 to a guythat was a Jamaican guy.
Not that all Jamaicans have,but anyway.

Speaker 1 (49:34):
I've never met a nice one.

Speaker 2 (49:36):
Yeah, I have a friend who's a Jamaican female oh,
weird girl, but anyway.
So I got married at 22 to a30-year-old.
I was a member of Church Christ, not an opponent, but did not
serve me, and it got to a point,probably within the first six
months, where it just becamevery abusive.

(49:57):
I went through everythingexcept abuse, a lot of emotional
, mental, verbal abuse.
Stayed married but I came outhere right before covid and when
I came out here we weretechnically separated.
I got divorced, um, after I gotdivorced when I was in um, but
it wasn't good.
We didn't have any childrentogether.
Um, my family did not knowuntil it was time, until I was

(50:17):
like ready to make a move.
Um, he went to jamaica.
It was in december.
He went to jamaica for aweek-long trip, in the middle of
us trying to figure out what wewere doing, and to me that was
that was the straw that broke,yeah, and I was like cool and
funny thing is so I used to beover a youth group at the church
I attended and some of theyouth kids they were like
obviously older- yeah um came tomy house while he was gone and

(50:41):
helped me help my stuff.
I think about that.
That.
That was like toxic for them.
But I talked to him I said yeah, girl, like she was there when
I, she helped me Before I gotmarried, when I got married,
when I moved out of thatapartment and then when I moved
from Louisiana, he was there forall of it, all of it.
But yeah, I said he went toJamaica.

(51:01):
I then packed myself anapartment over here.
Then I don't have any familyout here.
Since then I've lived with mygrandparents for about a year
and a half and then I got my andthen, soon thereafter, my
parents Dang.
Yeah, no, it was interesting.
I think it was a lot of for one.
I don't really think that I'velooking back at it I probably

(51:21):
should not have moved fromCalifornia at 18 to live with
another set of grants.
I, looking back at it, Iprobably should not have moved
from California at 18 to livewith another set of grass.
I was running my household, inmy opinion at the time, was not
a safe place.
So I thought, going to mygrandparents, where you know
there was no other kids, no,assembly me and my grandparents,
no, my grandparents.
When I got there I realized oh,they, even though they, oh they
, was about to get divorced,they didn't end up getting one.
They had their own issues.
So sometimes what they say, thegraph is on the other side yeah

(51:44):
, even though we think it is.
So I ran to them and then,sooner or later, my grandpa
that's actually my dad's dadended up passing away.
And then I met my ex-husbandand the lady that I was living
with at the time.
She was young, like pushed it,pushed it Until I was like well,
I just didn't see another outfrom me, like I was still

(52:07):
running um to live with him andI'll go here and you know, get
married and have kids, and Imean, I cried every time we were
married.
Now, thank you, blessing umbecause that would be
interesting yeah um would havemade the divorce divorce process
definitely, but it's prettymuch uh that story.
And then when I got out hereonce I got divorced, I got out

(52:27):
here, I was one trip to christand then I started one trip and
I went to divorce and I startedgoing to mid-cities.
Okay, I revaptized out oftherapy and whenever I met ann
is when I started.
But yeah, so that's that's kindof the fast version of my life
and what happened there.
It was definitely veryinteresting, very, very

(52:47):
interesting.
I would definitely say he was anarcissist, definitely liked the
idea of Kimmy.
I wouldn't say he kept me tomyself because I definitely was
in the Church of Christ family.
Those family members wereyou're married, so you stay
married.
No one really had aconversation with him.
They were always having funwith me.
It just wasn't a healthyenvironment.
I do believe that if I was to,if I would have stayed married,

(53:08):
I probably committed myself likethey would have put me in a
mental um hospital or I probablywould have, because I just was
like eating noodles was not athing, eating tacos was not a
thing.
Um, he would talk about my skin,my weight, and if I was to like
pull up a picture of myself bything, you'll be like girl.
What I probably was like maybeyou're sorry, so it was very
inch.
And he would talk about my skin, my weight, and if I was to
like pull up a picture of myselfback then, he'll be like girl.
What I probably was like maybeyou're sorry, so it was very

(53:29):
inch.
And then I actually came to mycousin Alicia's wedding and I
started talking to my mom and myaunt and that's when I finally
fell into my.
And then I got out, I got my own, I got myself an apartment and
a car.
Damn, because he didn't want meto have a car, he got a car for
us to have the first year wegot married.
When I realized that Skypeconversation with him, I talked

(53:50):
to some girl in Jamaica and itwas like hurry up Yanni's in the
bathroom, go ahead and show meLike they were like yeah, oh my
God.
And at that time I was like, too, I was so not.
If you know me now, to somedegree I'm still a little naive
yeah, same.
And I'd be like, yeah.
But then I was like, super,like, you're my husband, I trust
you.
Like, why would I, why wouldyou do anything?
Yeah.

(54:11):
And after being married, therewas a time where instead of
going to therapy, I was going todrinking.
And to the boy the bartenderknew my name I still say my
liver is you figured that out?
Um, but yeah, no, but it's sofunny.
I sit back and think I'vedefinitely put myself in some
interesting situation.
God's always had of.

(54:31):
You know the realm of protectionaround you to where, even if I
walked in the room I didn'tbelong in, he still made sure.
Yeah, like in baton ridge, Istill there's a friend.
I really don't talk anymore.
That time I needed a friend tohave guided me through it, and
her life was different from mineat that time it's before I got
married and I was a virgin whenI got married and this is a
version that she was not.

(54:51):
I was hopping out windows forher and I would go it's not
funny, but I would go meet um,like she would have her like
boyfriend or whatever, and Iwould go with her and the
boyfriend have a friend and shewas like yeah, no, y''s not
going to do nothing, but she'sjust here for fun, or they would
smoke and she would tell himlike no, she's not.

Speaker 3 (55:07):
Yeah, I don't do it yeah.

Speaker 2 (55:09):
So it was just.
You know, it's always funny how, you know, god has a sense of
humor, like he made sure I wasprotected.
Yeah, she was out there doingwhatever, nothing, nothing.
But can I tell you somethingthat just didn't happen down?
Dang, that's wild.
But here I am now, yeah, yeah,that's why I don't know.

(55:29):
I always tell people like younever know someone's story, you
never know what they're goingthrough, what they through, and
obviously I feel like we're notresponsible for people's
triggers.
Like you know, I am responsiblefor my own triggers, right, um,
but me having an emotional dayalready, someone being rude or
something else just coulddefinitely thank you.
And how old are you?

(55:50):
35 to 35, I just feel like Ifigured out my.

Speaker 3 (55:53):
I think 30s to me is when things begin yeah, I'm
loving my 30s, even though youknow things have happened or
whatever but it's fun, likeyou're like okay, wait, actually
I don't like this.

Speaker 2 (56:04):
Yeah, I don't actually, I don't even like you
exactly I like this.
I want to try this oh, Iactually enjoy this yeah, I've.

Speaker 3 (56:12):
I've recently told people, um, you know it's, I
have been more open with certainfriends.
You know like, well, if I don'twant to say hi to someone that
I don't normally say hi to, whyam I going to walk in a place
and see them and be like, oh hey, how's it going?
We don't speak.
And I think, going back againfor years of just feeling like I

(56:37):
had to do that because of thejobs that I had.
You know, you have to greetpeople, whatever it's like.
No, I don't, that's draining, Idon't want to do that anymore.
I don't, I just don't.

Speaker 2 (56:51):
Yeah, that's neat.
I don't know why I still feel alittle weird.
I feel like I'm like the mosttimes.
I don't get it, Yep.

Speaker 3 (56:56):
And then if I don't say hi, then ignored me and
Kelsey.
This and it's like you, don'teven like me to begin with.

Speaker 2 (57:07):
So why are you worried, did you?
If you speak, I don't knowbecause I don't know, that's
like that thing, but sometimesI'm like well, there you walk.
If they are comfortable enoughto walk straight past me, then
you know what?
Yeah, I don't even think it'smatching energy.
I'm just not gonna waste my Gyeah, yeah cool if you're okay
with it.
Guess what?
So am I, yeah cool.
And if we need each other, Iguess we know where to find each
other yeah and it's like Idon't know.

(57:29):
It's like nowadays they make youfeel like if you don't talk to
someone, it's such this like badthing, like you don't like me,
or there's more there than whatit actually is.
Yeah, when it, and you see me.
Yeah, I think that's it.
Oh sorry, I had this one of theMedea's movies and she's like I
know yeah.

Speaker 3 (57:50):
But I didn't want to be like.
That's literally what I thought.
I was like I know, she see me,you see me, yeah, she can't miss
us big.
But yeah, girl, that's exactlywhat I thought of.
Oh, freaking funny.
Yeah, I was like I'm not aboutto break the moment because you
were serious.
That's how I was like, that'swhat I said.
I was like I was talking aboutthat.

Speaker 2 (58:13):
How funny is that?
Yeah, but yeah, that's it.
Well, thank you for coming onand playing this amazing game.
I would definitely say forthose listening you know, get
your friend group together.
I think to be honest with you,I would say whether if you've
been friends for years or justbecoming friends, I think this
is a great game for you guys tobe able just to connect at a

(58:35):
deeper level and just to get toknow each other a little bit,
and it's the game that we're notreally strangers.
I have one more question foryou.
Actually, I have two.
What do you stand for?
Love, right there, marvin, Isay all the time and I love to
see like like I'm going in thisis not a question anyway, I want
to get up um on social media,like when I'm going down, like

(58:56):
scrolling through, I love to seelike people in love, but I also
see, I also love to see peopledoing what they love to do.
Yeah, like I love to see peoplehappy.

Speaker 3 (59:07):
The joy.
Yes, yeah, I love, love.
I am 100% a lover girl.

Speaker 1 (59:14):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (59:15):
Like just with people , with my friends, with my
family, I mean here recently.
What's funny is I've had peoplelike reach out and just send me
messages like I love the wayyou love on, just send me
messages like I love the way youlove on your nieces and I love
the way you do this and I lovethe way you do that, and I'm
like you, like you pay attentionto that, and I'm like, oh,
thanks, you know and um theyseem to be very like.

(59:37):
You're a great aunt, oh thanks,oh, I mean I hope I am, no, but
like relationships too, like I,if I'm with you, I love you and
I put everything into it and so,yeah, I mean it doesn't work
out.
It's like was my love notenough, like should I have more,
or you know, whatever the caseis, but yeah, I do, I love, I

(01:00:00):
love love, yeah, yeah, witheverything, even being back at
the gym and like training a fewclasses again.
Like there are some days where,in the midst of it, like I'm
just watching people and I'mlike man, I love being you, know
, yeah, and it's something assmall as that.

Speaker 2 (01:00:18):
All right.
So if you can give advice,someone listening, it can be
about anything, it can be oneword.
It can be one word, it can be ahost.
Whatever comes to your mind andheart right now, what would it
be?
I'm already going to cry.
Yeah, I mean the tissue.
I bought the tissue box.

Speaker 3 (01:00:34):
I know, and I actually did better than I
thought.
That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 (01:00:37):
You haven't even went out yet Find God Truly See.

Speaker 3 (01:00:42):
Find God Truly See.
That makes me cry.
What's wrong with that giggitytissue or a Kleenex or anything?
Because, like the few videosthat I've done on Facebook and
stuff, I know every single timeI mention it and I really mean
it, like, if you don't know God,it's so unfortunate.

(01:01:03):
I think it is you don't knowGod.
It's so unfortunate.
I think it is because, not thatI've had this awful life, but
I've been through some shit, youknow, and even when I wasn't
fully into church or it was just, like you know I would say, my
bedtime prayer I still knew Godand God still knew me and he
loved me, which goes back to Istand for love, because his love

(01:01:28):
is ultimate and it's nevergoing to fade from.
You know, even for the monththat I stepped away from church,
you know it wasn't anythingpersonal, it was just, you know,
I just wanted to be at home, Iwasn't even doing anything and I
even told Pastor Cliff one dayI was like, bro, I promise like
I'm not hung over or anything,Like I just I get up, I drink my

(01:01:49):
coffee and I'm like I'm justgoing to watch it online.
You know it wasn't evenanything serious, but that is
again the ultimate love, and,like it says, like he's never
going to leave you nor forsakeyou.
And when I felt, when I felt afew times like I didn't have
anyone, yeah, the peace that itbrought, that well, I still have

(01:02:12):
.
I still have God.
He's still there, and I'vecaught myself talking to him a
whole lot more, yeah.
And so it's crazy is it's beenmonths, I think it was like when
everything happened.
I remember, you know, being inan argument and I'm at home and
I hang up the phone and, forwhatever reason, I just screamed

(01:02:35):
like at the top of my lungswhere, literally, I felt like my
vocal cords felt like theybusted, oh gosh, but I just felt
so hurt, yeah.
And so I just had to letsomething out, because it's not
like I could go run over someonein my car.
Wow, that's fun, it is fun.

(01:02:55):
Someone over, that was it Right.
Thanks, girl for helping out.
So we just stuck.
We would not be having thispodcast episode, so we stuck to
the screaming, yeah, but no,that was a kind of a dark time.
But you know, I just rememberlike screaming and I've never
told anyone this, and so I'mlaying there in bed and I'm just

(01:03:17):
crying.
And when I say I'm crying likeI was crying.
And again, mental health, youknow, like I have known people
that have, you know, wanted tocommit.
You know, I know people thathave committed suicide and I've
never thought it's never beenanything in my head, and it's
not that I thought that, but fora moment I laid there and I

(01:03:40):
just thought it would be so muchbetter if I weren't here and I
was like wait, what?
Like you know, I snapped out ofit and so I just started
talking to God and then Istarted singing Counting my
Blessings.
Have you ever heard that song?
It's like God, I'm stillcounting my blessings.

Speaker 2 (01:04:00):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:04:02):
For all that you've done in my life, you know, and
for all the things that he'sdone for me that I don't I, that
still haven't even been broughtto light.
You know, and how there can besomeone you know.
People are always like, well,that's just who that person are,
they're never going to do this,I'm never going to do that.
And then that person ends updoing it and it's to me.
I'm like god, that was you.

(01:04:23):
Yeah, I'm like you did that.
Yeah, you know, becausewhatever and um, so, yeah, it's
just like it's I.
If it's anything, even and I'llbe honest, even with miguel and
I, I tell people, even if he'snot for me, I'll be okay, yeah,
but I want him to know god forhis own salvation, that's it, it

(01:04:44):
.
And I've even told him thatbefore.
Just seek him, know him, knowwho he is.
You know I have friends thathave recently started going to
church and you know now arethere and seeing them and I'm
like God, that's you After allthese years, that's you, and I
just think that that's sobeautiful, you know, and so,

(01:05:07):
yeah, I think one time onAaron's podcast he asked me this
and I said I wanted to besuperwoman so I could help
everyone.
People pleasing, yeah, howcrazy that my answer from years
ago was wanting to do, wantingto have 10 hands to help all
these 10 people.
And then I'm in the back ofthese 10 people, jumping up and
down, being like, hey, whatabout me?

(01:05:28):
Like do y'all see me, you know,and it's taking me now,
dropping to my knees and beinglike, okay, god, it's just, it's
you and I, it's just you and Iand that's who.
It's gonna be forever, you know.

Speaker 2 (01:05:42):
So, yeah, and if you ask them, it's going to be
forever you know, so yeah, andif you ask them, it's still
those moments, even if yourspouse just like knows yeah.
So it's that relationship,mm-hmm, the beautiful.
It kind of gets involved andchange as you and change, it
grows deeper.
Mm-hmm, I think for myself andAspen.
A lot of times, apparently,this area is like my praise and
worship area.
Worship here, I think a lot oftimes it's praising the car and

(01:06:07):
the alarm.
Before you got here, it waslike when I get up in the
mornings, like to make a nicebreakfast and lunch, and that's
where I'm at um currently.
I think I don't know.
Let's do like that, talk, dothat, because I put on one song
and then we started going downthe whole other avenue and I'm
like, okay, I'm not quite surewe got here, but it's speaking
to myself, so we're gonna leaveit right here, yeah I think you
know, like when I pray.
So one thing that I find to bejust amazing of all of one

(01:06:29):
really the fact that god knowswhat I need provide for me, and
god knows what you need for you,and so on and so on with all of
us, even with a child, likewith, uh, ezra savannah's old,
you know, know they've gonethrough their season of their
dad not being there anymore andwhatnot.

Speaker 3 (01:06:48):
And I've told you know people like have faith,
like a child, and she is theprime example because you know
she misses her dad.
You know she's only five, yeah,she's only five, yeah, and but
when you talk to her she is soshe's emotional too, but she

(01:07:09):
will tell you from a five yearold, like God's going to bring
me a dad, god's going to bringme a dad that's going to play
with me and my dad's going totake us to the movie and my
dad's going to sit on the couchwith us and eat popcorn with me
and my sister and my mom.
And I'm like, dude, you havethat much faith in your only

(01:07:31):
five.
Like, can you give me some?
We don't like that, like that.
That is amazing, because that'swhen you know he's real.

Speaker 2 (01:07:40):
You know because you hear it from yeah, right, my
brain went like five differentways of that conversation.
Yeah, as far as me is likethat's a load for santa to carry
.

Speaker 3 (01:07:52):
Yeah, like emotional yeah, and she and she'll.
Sometimes ezra will facetime meand her and evie facetime a lot
, so I'll be like a decline.
I just fucked him.
Since ain't nothing changed.
But I still have videos becauseyou know like you can leave the
video now if you decline or ifyou don't answer.
And um, she's praying for melike father god, I pray over my

(01:08:17):
tia Kelsey and she just goes onyeah, uh-huh she's, and like
she's an amazing littleindividual.

Speaker 2 (01:08:24):
Her prayer does not change Me too.

Speaker 3 (01:08:26):
Ever, Ever.

Speaker 2 (01:08:28):
Yeah, because that's definitely something God put
inside of her.

Speaker 3 (01:08:31):
Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2 (01:08:32):
Now what that's going .
You know, obviously what that'sgoing to blossom to be.
Yeah, just hope I'm able to see, because that's amazing.

Speaker 3 (01:08:38):
Yeah, yep.

Speaker 2 (01:08:46):
Well, savannah, if you're listening to this, you're
next just saying okay, anyway.
Is there anything else that youwould like to say?
Anything that I didn't touch onanything else you feel?

Speaker 3 (01:08:52):
no, I don't think so.
I think the game was reallygood, right?

Speaker 2 (01:08:57):
yes, because it's like I'm telling you this game
whenever you start dating again,like it was fun, but it was
real, like this is this becauseit's, it is yes but.
I don't know.
I think sometimes it was real,like this is this?
Because it's, it is, yeah, butI don't know.
I think sometimes it's almostlike, especially when you're
getting to know some, you don'treally know how to like initiate
, really like taking that deepdive.
You don't want to be like tellme about your life, yeah, you
know.
But I think these questionsmakes me where she's.

Speaker 3 (01:09:18):
It just starts to come out to where you look and
it's not just what's yourfavorite color and what kind of
flowers do you like and what'syour favorite food?

Speaker 2 (01:09:26):
no, no, don't ask me that stuff yeah, tell me a time
where you felt inadequate.
How did you overcome that?
oh gosh, yeah yeah, like I mean,that's what you want to know.
Yeah, no, really though.
Yeah, because that's like I'mthinking, like as aaron's
partner, like I I don't know ifI this is wrong, this is my
thinking Like his weak spots,but the spots where he's still

(01:09:47):
growing in.
As his wife, I would like to besomeone that can kind of help
him grow in it.
Right, but for me to help himgrow in it he has to you know.
Allow me in to know what thatis, yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:09:59):
Yeah, my exes.
I would have known like morethat they did struggle with
opening up and, with you know,mental health.
Like that would have saved alot on how my response was to
things that happened.

Speaker 2 (01:10:16):
Yeah, no, we have, I know, with him.
We have a lot of questions,especially with him now school
starting back and him having,you know, all his students and
then the athletes at thecoaching.
So it's a lot of, you know,mental check-ins that I do with
him to say, you know, hey, howare you doing?
What do you need from me?
Um, I try my best to make surethat when he leaves this house,
this home, um, that he is thebest teacher and coach he can be

(01:10:38):
yeah because he has all thoselittle yeah, their eyes are
looking on him that he's havingto pour into every single day
and that's.

Speaker 3 (01:10:45):
People don't understand that that takes so
much, and that's why I I did,and I still do take offense to
it when they're like, oh well,you just stand up there and tell
them what to do.
No, kindly forget what you justsaid, because not a lot of
people can do that and theycan't carry.

Speaker 2 (01:11:05):
I mean just like, yeah, it's, it's just it, it's
it's heavy and it can be a lotand when he comes home and like
he, he doesn't just take his jobas like he takes his where god
has him right now he's to pointto these kids.
So he pays attention.
Yeah, um, and, you know payingattention, sometimes you start
to see like now his seven, hehas a seventh grader that can't

(01:11:27):
multiple.
Uh, he, you know payingattention, sometimes you start
to see, like his seventh gradeis a can't multiple he, you know
the kids are telling him, youknow what the home life is.

Speaker 3 (01:11:37):
So when I say hey today, sometimes I'm like, yeah,
goodness to work for an eyedoctor that I worked for when I
was 19.
And I worked on the opticalside now.
So it's different hats, youknow, insurance, and fitting
glasses and then getting theright prescription and having to
make sure that they're put inwhat they need to for what

(01:11:57):
they're using every single day.
You know, and man, the peoplethat I come across some days,
I'm like what is wrong with youand why are you so angry?
And I really I say this and Idon't take it lightly, but I am
so thankful that I can be likeyou know what.

(01:12:20):
Put yourself to the side, likeyou know whatever, just deal
with them, do what you need to.
And I don't match the energy,because if I match the energy,
oh no, there would be, it wouldbe awful.
But if I wasn't strong, I meanI could probably do something
dumb to myself because peopleare mean, they are so mean, and

(01:12:40):
because I look Mexican and Ihave dark hair and dark eyes and
dark skin, I have been toldthat I'm a disgrace because I
don't speak Spanish.

Speaker 2 (01:12:51):
Okay, so that is something that I've run across
trying to learn Spanish andother people have said, and I'm
like that is crazy to me, howyou can pretty much be disowned
because you don't speak thelanguage.
That is crazy to me how you can, like, pretty much be disowned
because you don't speak thelanguage.

Speaker 3 (01:13:05):
I have had people that have purposely told, like
the person that they were with,don't try and speak English.
I can understand some, but likeliterally have said don't try
and speak English to her sheshould know Spanish and I'm like
I don't.
If I knew a little bit, I wouldhonestly try, but I don't.
Yeah, we weren't born andraised like that.

(01:13:26):
My grandparents and mygrandparents and their
grandparents are not from mexico.
Yeah, so technically I don'tthink I'm mexican, you know, and
yeah, but people are people aremean.

Speaker 2 (01:13:37):
It's a lot of unhealed people that don't
realize they're carrying along.
A lot of times it's thechildhood trauma, yeah, that has
turned into them being a meanand a bully, mm-hmm.

Speaker 3 (01:13:49):
It's just like that stupid T app how that one guy
from Colorado killed himself.

Speaker 2 (01:13:54):
Huh.

Speaker 3 (01:13:54):
Yeah, there was a guy from Colorado that killed
himself.

Speaker 2 (01:13:56):
Okay, so I downloaded that, did you?
Really I was on a wait and theHoly Spirit said take that off
your phone.
I was about to say you don't doit.
I did not do it.
Yeah, the flesh side of meimmediately when I saw it.
That was it.

Speaker 3 (01:14:08):
No, the crazy thing was I had a friend reach out to
me about that and the firstthing I told her I said you need
to delete that and not investyour money.
And she was like, but blah,blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 2 (01:14:29):
And I was like no off sis.
And then I'm saying get off.
But I never got on.
Yeah, I was on like whateverthat wait thing is yeah and then
I was like well I'm trying toget the um t.
I need to be in the bible app,I don't need to be here.
I was like, let me delete this.
Thank you all, alex Perry.

Speaker 3 (01:14:43):
Right.
My BFF for coming through yetagain.

Speaker 2 (01:14:46):
Well, thank you for coming on.
My mic is always ready wheneveryou want a part two.

Speaker 3 (01:14:54):
Oh, for sure.

Speaker 2 (01:14:55):
We can find another topic.
I mean, I like to talk, so yeah, I had a couple in mind, but I
was like, eh, I thought of thisagain.

Speaker 3 (01:15:10):
I thought about.
I think you'll be a good onefor life.
Be life, and.
But it ain't always bad.

Speaker 2 (01:15:12):
Hey, I tell people you don't have a bad life, it's
just a bad moment or justsometimes, like I don't know,
you think life be life and like,yeah, you have, I guess, bad
moments, but you know the lifedoesn't suck, no, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:15:20):
I, when people are like oh, my life, does my life
that, and I'm like no, here,like chill out just a little bit
.

Speaker 2 (01:15:27):
We may have to bring that one back.
There was another one, okay.
Well, for those listening,please know that you are loved,
you are seen, you are wanted.
God has put something inside ofyou that the people around you
need, you, that the peoplearound you need.
Please do not allow, I say, thedevil to kind of creep in and

(01:15:49):
make you say you're inadequate,because he may want you to feel
just the same to the devil.
But anyway, I love you and bye.

Speaker 1 (01:15:56):
Thank you for listening to another episode of
Standing in your Truth withYanni.
And if no one told you today,you are loved, you are beautiful
, you are needed and you matter,be sure to follow on Facebook
at Standing In your TruthPodcast with Yanni.
Also on Instagram Talks WithYanni.

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