Anger: Fuel for Your Comeback, Not Your Destruction

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That simmering feeling beneath your "everything's fine" smile? It's not your enemy. Anger—especially during major life transitions like divorce, loss, retirement, or relocation—often gets a bad rap. But what if this powerful emotion could actually fuel your comeback instead of derailing it?

In this episode, we walk straight into a topic most people avoid. Anger doesn't just appear out of nowhere during life transitions—it's been there all along, waiting behind the lies, betrayals, and disappointments. When reality finally hits and shock wears off, anger steps forward demanding attention. The question isn't whether you'll feel angry; it's how you'll channel that energy.

Through sharing seven surprising benefits of anger, we explore how this misunderstood emotion creates movement when you're stuck, provides survival instincts when boundaries are crossed, motivates positive change, offers temporary control amid chaos, establishes respect in relationships, sparks meaningful self-improvement, and ultimately expands your emotional intelligence. The distinction lies in using anger as a teacher rather than a weapon—especially when children are watching and learning from your example.

Your comeback includes every part of you, even the angry parts. Whether you're furious with yourself for waiting too long, or with others who've hurt you deeply, healing begins with honest acknowledgment. Speak it, write it, pray it—just don't walk this path alone. Find support through counseling, support groups, or trusted friends. You can emerge from anger not consumed by it, but transformed through it. Your comeback is already in motion.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Is there a major life transition benching you?
I know you may be asking what'snext?
What's my purpose?
What if?
Because I've asked those too.
Welcome to the Start yourComeback podcast.
I'm Toni Thrash, a certifiedlife coach, and I want to share
the tools and practical steps tohelp you create a winning game

(00:23):
plan to move into your newadventure.
Hi, welcome back.

(00:57):
You're listening to episode 90.
I'm so thrilled you're here,not just because I love having
you along, but because today'stopic is one most people want to
avoid, like a bad haircut or anawkward family dinner, but not
us.
We're going to walk straightinto it, because today we are

(01:18):
talking about anger.
Now, I'm just guessing, but Ibet you're a little like me.
You put on the everything'sfine face while something's
boiling underneath the surface.
It's like carrying a pot ofsoup to the table, smiling all
the while, but if someone bumpsyour elbow, that hot mess is

(01:42):
spilling everywhere.
That hot mess is spillingeverywhere.
And if you're in the middle ofa transition, such as divorce,
the loss of a spouse, a majormove or retirement, then you
know exactly what I'm talkingabout.
Anger isn't just part of thestory.
It's sitting in the front row,arms crossed.

(02:03):
It's sitting in the front row,arms crossed, waiting to be
heard.
I want you to understandsomething up front Anger can
show up in all the stages.
We've talked about Shock, limboand re-entry.
It doesn't punch a time clock,it's not confined to one phase,
one moment or one person.

(02:24):
It lingers, it likes to stay awhile and if we're not
intentional, it takes the will.
Let's be honest.
Anger doesn't just show up outof nowhere.
It's been there a while, hasn'tit Nestled in behind the lying
eyes, the cheating hearts andthe ears that stopped listening

(02:47):
a long time ago.
And when the shock wears offand reality slaps you in the
face, anger steps in likefinally, it's my turn.
But here's where things getdicey.
If we don't handle that angerwith care, here's where things
get dicey.
If we don't handle that angerwith care, it doesn't just mess

(03:08):
with us, it wreaks havoc oneveryone around us, especially
the people we love the most.
I'm talking about our kids, ourclose friends.
You get the picture.
So let's talk through thishonestly, because anger, believe
it or not, isn't all bad.
There's a reason why God gaveit to us.

(03:29):
There are some benefits it canoffer, but, just like fire, if
it's not contained it burnseverything in its path.
I've got seven benefits ofanger.
Let's just jump right in.
Number one anger can move you.
It has velocity.

(03:49):
It'll get your rear in gearwhen nothing else will.
It will push you to get out ofa toxic situation or speak up
after years of staying silent.
It can be the fuel that getsyou to counseling.

(04:10):
Number two anger helps ussurvive.
It's the emotion that tells usthis isn't safe.
It warns us when someone istrying to manipulate or harm us.
That gut punch feeling whensomeone crosses a line.
That's anger doing its job.
It ensures we don't just liedown and take it.

(04:32):
But let me flip the coin onthis one Anger isn't supposed to
be weaponized.
It's not an excuse to explodeon your kids but we do.
It's not meant to tear someonedown online or to destroy the ex
just because they hurt you.
That's not surviving, that'stransferring pain and often the

(04:57):
people closest to you catch theworst of it.
Here's what I've learned whenwe're in the survival mode, we
can be so wrapped up in our ownemotions that we miss the
warning signs in our kids.
You see, they're watching youand if anger is all they see,

(05:18):
they're going to think that it'snormal to be angry all the time
.
Don't teach them to swallowpain or spew fire.
Teach them to walk through ithonestly.
Number three anger motivates us.
Sometimes that frustrationbecomes the very thing that

(05:38):
helps us to make a change.
You realize something's notright and you finally act like
I'm going to do something aboutthis.
You get serious about yourboundaries, your finances, your
faith healing because you'rejust that ticked off.
But here's the danger Angershould not be your motivator to

(05:59):
destroy someone.
As I just mentioned, it willget you.
I get it.
You want the people who hurtyou to feel it.
But if your goal becomesrevenge, you'll torture your own
future in the process.
Just don't do that, especiallyin divorce.
If your kids see you obsessedwith tearing down their other

(06:22):
parent, guess what they learn?
They learn to destroy what theydon't understand, and that's
not who you are and the legacyyou want to leave, not if you're
serious about coming back.

(06:45):
Number four anger can give you asense of control.
When everything feels like it'sfalling apart, anger steps in
and gives you something to holdon to.
It feels like power and in someways it is.
It gives you the energy to act,to get things done, but it's
not the kind of control thatmakes you micromanage every word
, every schedule or every momentof someone else's life.
That's not control, that's fearwearing a cape.

(07:08):
Let it go.
Take it from someone who triedthat path and wound up more
exhausted than empowered.
Number five anger can increasecooperation.
Weirdly enough, when expressedproperly, anger can create
respect.
It sets the tone.

(07:29):
People stop walking all overyou.
They learn where the lines are.
So if you've been bullied inyour past, I know what you're
tempted to think.
It's my turn now.
But that's not the comebackwe're working toward.
We don't sink to that level.

(07:51):
Number six anger can sparkself-improvement.
It shines a light on the placeswe need to grow.
Maybe you've ignored red flags,maybe you've played small for
too long, Maybe you were toopassive or too controlling.
Anger can wake you up to all ofit.

(08:12):
But here's the thing we cannotfix everything all at once.
That's burnout waiting tohappen, one thing at a time.
Remember, you don't need to beperfect, you just need to be
present.
And finally, number seven angerexpands our emotional

(08:34):
intelligence.
Here's the real kicker.
If you let anger rise up,here's the real kicker.
If you let anger rise up, beacknowledged and walk through,
it will make you moreemotionally aware, not less.
But if you stuff it down intothe back corner of your mind and
slap a smile on your face, itwill eat you alive.

(08:56):
Sleepless nights, racingthoughts, little triggers that
cause big blow-ups that's whathappens when you pretend anger
isn't there.
So here's the bottom line.
You might be angry withyourself.
Maybe you waited too long, youthought you could change someone

(09:19):
.
You feel like a fool forbelieving them.
You're furious because youdidn't tell anybody about how
bad it really was, and let's notsugarcoat it.
Maybe you've been lied to,cheated on, ignored or dismissed
and you want justice, you wantrevenge and you want them to pay

(09:44):
.
But, friend, here's the truth.
Voicing your anger is thebeginning of healing, even if
your voice shakes, even if it'smessy.
Speak it, write it, pray it.
Speak it, write it, pray it.
Get a counselor when have youheard that before?

(10:05):
Maybe go to divorce care, talkto your pastor.
Just don't walk through thisalone.
Anger is a useful emotion, butonly if we allow it to teach us
and not destroy us.
Your kids don't need to see aperfect parent.
They need to see an honest one,a healing one.

(10:29):
They need to see that anger canbe walked through with grace,
grit and growth.
I'm no psychologist, but I'vebeen through it and I know
someone listening today neededto hear this.
You don't have to be consumedby it because you can come out

(10:50):
on the other side stronger.
Your comeback includes everypart of you, even the angry
parts.
So let's deal with it, not denyit.
Remember, keep going, keephealing and remember your

(11:10):
comeback is already in motion.
I'll see you next time.
Hey, thanks for listening.
I don't take it for grantedthat you're here.
Hey, thanks for listening.
I don't take it for grantedthat you're here.
You didn't listen by mistake.
If you want to reach out, youcan DM me on Instagram at Tony
Thrash Until next week.
Remember, there's still timeleft on the clock.

(11:31):
Let's get you off the bench tostart your comeback.
I want to give a special shoutout to Country Club for the
original music.
You can find them on Instagramat Country Club.
Thank you.