Symphony of Parenting: Navigating Manipulation Tactics for Healthier Co-Parenting After Divorce

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This episode illuminates the profound impact that manipulation and triangulation can have on children caught in parental conflict, emphasizing the need for clear communication and boundaries in co-parenting. We discuss examples of manipulation, the emotional toll on children, and actionable strategies for divorced parents to support their kids. 
• Exploring manipulation and triangulation in co-parenting 
• Discussing harmful effects on children's emotional health 
• Offering preventative measures for parents 
• Encouraging open communication without involving children 
• Highlighting the importance of professional help and documentation 
• Focusing on the child's well-being as the primary goal

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Is there a major life transition benching you?
I know you may be asking what'snext?
What's my purpose?
What if?
Because I've asked those too.
Welcome to the Start yourComeback Podcast.
I'm Toni Thrash, a certifiedlife coach, and I want to share
the tools and practical steps tohelp you create a winning game

(00:23):
plan to move into your newadventure.
Hi, welcome back.

(00:57):
You're listening to episode 75.
I've heard from a lot of youthat this series on parenting
has been what you've needed tohear.
I've appreciated all of yourcomments Over the course of the
last few weeks.
I have been discussing severaltopics, being consistent, in

(01:19):
episode 71.
This is a must for any singleparent.
This is a must for any singleparent.
In episode 72, I discussed howto not trash talk your ex in
front of your kids.
It's very hard to do, but inthe long run it will be worth it
.
In episode 73, I just wanted tospeak to you about your

(01:41):
children's transition weeklyfrom home to home.
The few steps I shared willhopefully cause it to be an
easier transition for them.
And last week, in episode 74, Ihit a topic that is about
having the urge to compete withyour Disneyland co-parent.
This is not the happiest placeon earth.

(02:04):
But today I want to discuss atopic that is seen but is hard
to define and know what it lookslike, because we don't really
know the motive behind it.
However, as we watch and listen, we will figure it out before
our children do so.
Keeping it to ourselves and notscreaming it out to the world

(02:27):
is hard.
You may be wondering what I amtalking about, and this week's
topic is manipulation andtriangulation.
To start off, let me give youthe definitions of each word.
Triangulation this is amanipulative tactic where a

(02:48):
person brings a third party intoa two-person interaction to
create conflict, alleviateanxiety or gain control.
In the context of divorcedparents, this often involves
using the children or otherfamily members to relay messages
, create tension or take sides.
Manipulation this involvesexerting undue influence over

(03:13):
someone to control their actionsor decisions.
In divorce situations,manipulation can take many forms
, including emotional blackmail,guilt, tripping and twisting
facts.
I'd like to give you threequick examples of what this may
look like, and maybe you'veexperienced it and, man, if you

(03:34):
haven't, this is great news.
The first one is using yourchildren as a messenger.
For instance, a parent tellstheir child hey, go tell your
mom that I'm not happy with thecurrent custody arrangement.
This forces the child to carryadult burdens and puts them in
the middle of their parent'sconflict.
No, the other example, creatingparental alienation.

(03:59):
One parent is consistentlyspeaking negatively about the
other parent to the children,aiming to damage the children's
relationship with that parent.
This can involve exaggeratingflaws, fabricating stories or
undermining the other parent'sauthority.
And the third one is emotionalblackmail.

(04:21):
A parent may say things like Ifyou really love me, you'd want
to live with me all the time, oryour dad or mom doesn't care
about you like I do.
This uses the child's emotionsto manipulate their behavior and
create feelings of guilt anddisloyalty.
In this instance, sometimes aparent facilitator is required,

(04:47):
and one that is court orderedand reports to the court.
Let me explain.
This will require a probablygoing back to court with your
attorney to demand to have aparent facilitator.
This court order facilitatorfollows the decree and, more

(05:09):
importantly, can't find theparent, if it comes to it, for
not following.
It's crucial to understand thevery real and damaging effects
that triangulation andmanipulation can have on
children of divorced parents.
Some specific damages tochildren.
Number one they have increasedanxiety and stress because when

(05:35):
children are placed in themiddle of their parents'
conflicts, they experiencesignificant emotional turmoil.
This can lead to chronicanxiety, difficulty sleeping and
even result in some physicalsymptoms.
Number two they can have lowself-esteem and have feelings of

(05:57):
powerlessness.
Being forced to take sides orcarry adult emotional burdens
can make children feelinadequate and helpless.
They may feel responsible fortheir parents' happiness, which,
as we all know, is animpossible burden to bear.
Number three they themselveswill have difficulty forming

(06:21):
healthy relationships, becausechildren who witness or
experience manipulation maylearn unhealthy relationship
patterns.
They may struggle to trustothers, have difficulty setting
boundaries or replicatemanipulative behaviors in their
own relationships.
Number four there can beemotional and behavioral

(06:46):
problems.
Triangulation and manipulationcan lead to a range of emotional
and behavioral issues,including depression, anger,
acting out and sometimeswithdrawal.
Number five damage to theparent and child relationship.

(07:07):
Parental alienation, a form ofextreme manipulation, can
severely damage or destroy achild's relationship with one
parent.
This can cause lifelongemotional pain and create
feelings of confusion andbetrayal.
It is not easy to recover.
However, it is very importantto protect the children from

(07:30):
these behaviors.
Here are a few ways to help.
Number one establish clearboundaries.
Parents should communicatedirectly with each other,
avoiding the use of children asintermediaries.
Use communication tools thatdocument conversations, such as
co-parenting apps or email.

(07:52):
These actions directly reducethe child's exposure to conflict
and manipulation, minimizingtheir anxiety and stress.
This is why establishing clearboundaries and maintaining
consistent communication isvital.
When parents communicatedirectly, children then are

(08:12):
shielded from this stress.
Establishing clear boundariesand not using the children as
messengers protect the childrenfrom this form of damage.
Number two maintain consistentcommunication.
Regular, respectfulcommunication between parents

(08:33):
can minimize misunderstandingsand reduce the likelihood of
manipulation.
Focus on the children's needsand avoid personal attacks.
Number three prioritize yourchildren's well-being.
Remind yourself that thechildren's emotional health is

(08:54):
paramount.
Refrain from speakingnegatively about the other
parent in front of the children,because this reinforces the
child's sense of security andvalue, countering feelings of
powerlessness and lowself-esteem.
Prioritizing the children'swell-being and seeking
professional help can counteractthis.

(09:17):
Number four seek professionalhelp.
A therapist or counselorspecializing in co-parenting can
provide guidance and support.
They can help parents develophealthy communication strategies
and address the emotionalimpact of triangulation and
support.
They can help parents develophealthy communication strategies
and address the emotionalimpact of triangulation and
manipulation.
Therapists also can teachchildren coping mechanisms and

(09:38):
help them understand that theyare not responsible for their
parents' problems.
Finally, number five.
Finally, number five documenteverything.
Keep records of allcommunication and any events
that occur.
This can be very helpful iflegal intervention becomes

(09:58):
necessary.
Documenting everything andseeking professional help allows
for the adults to learn healthycommunication skills that will,
in turn, be modeled for theirchildren.
By taking these steps, divorcedparents can minimize the
harmful effects of triangulationand manipulation and create a

(10:20):
more stable and supportiveenvironment for their children.
If you find yourself in thisplace, please contact your
attorney, the sooner the better.
Even though these expenses canbe huge, they are necessary for
the well-being of both you andyour children.

(10:42):
Let me say this I am very sorrythat you're in this place.
I have seen this firsthand andhow detrimental it can be for
children.
Act in the best interest ofyour children.
This isn't an overnight fix.
It could take several years foryou to see the benefit of all

(11:06):
that you're doing.
Remember that your childrendidn't divorce their other
parent.
That's all for today.
Join me next time in the finalepisode on the Symphony of
Parenting, as I discuss notusing your children as your
counselor.
Some of you actually need tohear this.

(11:27):
It is a powerful message.
You won't want to miss it.
I'll see you next time.
Hey, thanks for listening.
I don't take it for grantedthat you're here.
You didn't listen by mistake.
If you want to reach out, youcan DM me on Instagram at Tony
Thrash Until next week.
Remember, there's still timeleft on the clock.

(11:50):
Let's get you off the bench tostart your comeback.
I want to give a specialshout-out to Country Club for
the original music.
You can find them on Instagramat Country Club.
Thank you.