Symphony of Parenting: The Emotional Cost of Leaning on Your Children During Divorce

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Divorce creates emotional turmoil for everyone involved, but leaning on your children for support can cause lasting damage. Professional counseling is essential to navigate this difficult transition while protecting your kids' emotional wellbeing.

• The damage of using children as emotional confidants during divorce
• Loss of childhood innocence when burdening kids with adult problems
• Emotional role reversal creating anxiety and overwhelming responsibility
• Triangulation forcing children to choose between parents
• Increased anxiety and depression in children privy to parents' distress
• Long-term relationship damage affecting future connections
• Benefits of seeking professional counseling instead
• Therapists provide objective, unbiased support
• Development of healthy coping strategies
• Learning effective communication skills for co-parenting
• Understanding divorce as a transition, not a failure

If you need further help to get off the bench, please go to the link in the notes and book a free call. I would love to walk alongside you as we build a game plan for starting your comeback.

If you've ever gotten any value from this podcast, would you mind going and leaving a five-star review? Join me next week as I share how to build a game plan for walking through the stages of transition.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:05):
Is there a major life transition benching you?
I know you may be asking what'snext?
What's my purpose?
What if?
Because I've asked those too.
Welcome to the Start yourComeback podcast.
I'm Toni Thrash, a certifiedlife coach, and I want to share
the tools and practical steps tohelp you create a winning game

(00:28):
plan to move into your newadventure.
Hi, welcome back.

(01:02):
You are listening to episode 76.
Hi, welcome back.
You're listening to episode 76.
This is the last episode in myseries on parenting through
divorce.
You're either currently walkingthrough divorce or dealing with
the aftermath of divorce andparenting.

(01:23):
Divorce is a journey fraughtwith emotional turmoil and
during this time, it's vital toprotect the most vulnerable
among us, which, of course, isour children.
We'll explore why leaning onyour kids for emotional support
during a divorce is detrimentaland why seeking professional
counseling is essential.
As we know, divorce is aseismic event shaking the

(01:44):
foundations of our family life.
It triggers a cascade ofemotions grief, anger, confusion
and fear and it's natural toseek comfort.
However, the line betweenseeking support and burdening
your children can becomedangerously blurred.
Today, we'll delve into whykeeping that line clearly

(02:06):
defined is imperative.
Let's just start with the hardtruth Using your children as
emotional confidants during adivorce is not only unfair, it's
emotionally damaging.
Here are five key reasons why.
Number one there's a loss ofchildhood innocence.

(02:27):
Children need to be children.
They need to believe in thestability of their world, even
if that world is changing.
When parents confideadult-level anxieties, financial
worries or intimate details ofthe divorce, it robs them of
this innocence.
They become burdened withknowledge they're not equipped

(02:50):
to handle, forcing them to growup too quickly.
This creates an emotionaldisturbance in them.
Number two emotional rolereversal.
When parents lean on theirchildren for emotional support,
the natural parent-child dynamicis flipped.
The child now feels compelledto comfort and protect the

(03:13):
parent, a role they are neitherdevelopmentally ready for nor
responsible for.
This role reversal can lead toanxiety, resentment and a
feeling of being overwhelmed.
Imagine a child trying toconsole a parent who is crying
about a betrayal.
That child now carries thisweight of that betrayal on their

(03:36):
shoulders without the tools toprocess it.
I've seen this happen and thechild suffers greatly.
It I've seen this happen andthe child suffers greatly.
Number three triangulation andloyalty conflicts.
I actually spoke on this topicin last week's episode, so if
you missed it, please go back toepisode 75 and find the details

(03:58):
there.
But children caught in themiddle of their parents'
emotional battles often feeltorn between loyalties.
They may feel pressured to takesides or feel guilty for loving
one parent more than the other.
This triangulation createsimmense emotional stress and can
lead to long-term relationshipissues.

(04:19):
Children should never be put ina position where they feel they
have to choose between theirparents.
Number four there's an increasedanxiety and depression.
Children who are privy to theirparents' emotional distress are
more likely to experienceanxiety and depression.
They may internalize theirparents' problems, leading to

(04:43):
feelings of insecurity, fear andhopelessness.
They may also feel responsiblefor their parents' happiness, a
burden no one, especially achild, should have to bear.
And finally, number fivelong-term relationship damage.
Using children as emotionalsurrogates can damage the

(05:05):
parent-child relationship.
Children may come to resenttheir parents for burdening them
with adult problems, leading tofeelings of distrust and
distance.
This can affect their abilityto form healthy relationships in
the future.
This can affect their abilityto form healthy relationships in
the future.
It gets buried deep and, as anadult, it will wreak havoc on

(05:26):
their relationships.
It is a brutal sentence nochild should bear.
Now let's turn our attention toa healthier alternative seeking
professional counseling.
As you know, I just continue toshare this one bit of
information because it is soimportant.

(05:48):
I know it's costly, but theprice of counseling is far
cheaper than the cost of yourchild.
Divorce is a complex processand having a trained therapist
makes a world of difference.
But please don't be the one whosays, oh, I don't have time, my

(06:08):
schedule's too busy.
You do, and there's no excuseto avoid it.
Here are three compellingreasons why it is so important
to get therapy.
Three compelling reasons why itis so important to get therapy.
Number one you get objectiveand unbiased support.
A counselor provides a safe andneutral space to process your

(06:30):
emotions.
They offer an objectiveperspective, free from the
biases and emotionalentanglements that family and
friends may have.
This objectivity allows for aclear understanding of your
situation.
A therapist is not going totake sides.
They are there for youremotional well-being.

(06:52):
Number two developing healthycoping strategies.
Divorce can trigger a range ofdifficult emotions.
A therapist can teach youhealthy coping strategies to
manage these emotions, such asmindfulness, cognitive
restructuring and stressreduction techniques.

(07:15):
They can help you identifynegative thought patterns and
develop healthier ways ofthinking and behaving.
This is essential fornavigating the emotional
rollercoaster of divorce withoutcausing additional harm to
yourself or to your children.
And finally, number threefacilitating effective

(07:37):
communication and co-parenting.
Facilitating effectivecommunication and co-parenting A
therapist can help you improvecommunication skills,
particularly with your ex-spouse.
This is crucial forco-parenting effectively and
minimizing conflict.
They can also help you navigatedifficult conversations with
your children, ensuring theiremotional needs are met.

(08:00):
A therapist can help you craftlanguage that is appropriate for
your children's age andemotional understanding.
They can also help you tounderstand what is appropriate
to share and what is not.
Because, trust me, when you'rein the middle of that shock
phase, you just fly off thehandle with any words whatsoever

(08:23):
.
And we have to take intoaccount our children.
We can't just do that.
Divorce is undeniably painful,but it doesn't have to be
devastating for you or yourchildren.
Usually, it's their number onepriority.
It's damaging you, the otherparent.
But if you prioritize yourchildren's emotional well-being

(08:48):
and seeking professional supportfor yourself, you can navigate
this challenging time withgreater resilience and
compassion.
Remember, your children needyou to be their parent, not
their confident.
Invest in your emotional healththrough therapy and you'll be
better equipped to support yourchildren through this transition

(09:08):
.
Let me say this Divorce is not asign of failure, but it is a
transition.
You cannot equate yourself tothe divorce stigma.
You are not a failure.
You most likely did all youknew to do and it didn't work.
But, like all transition, itrequires guidance, support and a

(09:32):
commitment to healing.
It requires guidance, supportand a commitment to healing.
By choosing therapy overburdening your children, you're
making a conscious decision toprotect their innocence and
foster their emotionalwell-being.
You are doing the best.
You know how.
If you need further help to getoff the bench, please go to the

(09:52):
link in the notes and book afree call.
I would love to walk alongsideyou as we build a game plan for
starting your compact, as youwalk through the shock and the
limbo and then finally trying tore-enter your life.
Thank you for being here today.
If you or someone you know isgoing through a divorce, please

(10:14):
remember that help is available.
Seeking professional counselingis a sign of strength, not
weakness.
That's it for today.
It's been great to hear from somany of you throughout this
whole series on parenting.
Remember, if you know ofsomeone going through a divorce,
please share these episodeswith them.

(10:35):
And then I have one final favorto ask If you've ever gotten
any value from this podcast.
Would you mind going andleaving a five-star review?
I would be so appreciative ofyou.
Thanks again for being here.
Join me next week as I sharewith you how to build a game
plan for walking through thestages of transition.

(10:57):
I'll see you next time.
Hey, thanks for listening.
I don't take it for grantedthat you're here.
You didn't listen by mistake.
If you want to reach out, youcan DM me on Instagram at Tony
Thrash.
Until next week.
Remember, there's still timeleft on the clock.
Let's get you off the bench tostart your comeback.

(11:18):
I want to give a special shoutout to Country Club for the
original music.
You can find them on Instagramat Country Club.
Thank you.