Breaking Free: When Loyalty Becomes Codependency in Relationships

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Have you ever defended someone's behavior while secretly knowing things were exactly as bad as others suspected? That's not loyalty—that's the slippery slope into codependency.

Drawing from my own painful journey, I open up about the fine line between standing by those we love and losing ourselves in the process. After my parents' divorce in my twenties, I was determined to be the family fixer, the loyal one who would keep everything together. This mindset followed me into my marriage and other relationships, where I became a master at excessive caretaking, problem-solving, and rationalizing away concerning behaviors.

The darkest part of codependency isn't just what we do for others—it's what we sacrifice of ourselves. I share the terrifying experience of trying to set boundaries for the first time, the exhaustion of constant cover-ups, and how I eventually found myself adopting someone else's fears and insecurities as my own. These patterns don't just hurt us; they damage everyone in our orbit.

But this isn't just a story of struggle—it's a roadmap to freedom. Through therapy, consistent boundary-setting, developing self-awareness, and implementing simple self-care practices, I found my way back to healthier relationships. The journey wasn't easy, but it was worth every difficult step.

Whether you're questioning your own relationship patterns or supporting someone who might be trapped in codependency, this episode offers both compassion and practical steps forward. Remember, true loyalty includes being loyal to your own wellbeing. There's still time left on the clock to start your comeback—let's get you off the bench and back in the game.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Is there a major life transition benching you?
I know you may be asking what'snext?
What's my purpose?
What if?
Because I've asked those too.
Welcome to the Start yourComeback Podcast.
I'm Toni Thrash, a certifiedlife coach, and I want to share
the tools and practical steps tohelp you create a winning game

(00:23):
plan to move into your newadventure.
Hi and welcome back.

(00:57):
You're listening to episode 93.
I know today's topic is probablygoing to be a difficult one,
but when I got married in 1988,I had been taught my whole life
to be loyal to my spouse, tonever leave them and certainly
never get divorced, which wascontrary to my real life at the
time.

(01:17):
My parents got divorced when Iwas 20.
I have a younger brother and asister and of course, we handled
it all differently, but becauseI was the oldest, I wanted to
be the fixer for everyone.
However, when my dad did moveout, my brother, who didn't want

(01:38):
him to be alone, moved out withhim.
It was heartbreaking for all ofus.
I don't blame him, because Iwould have done the same thing
if I were in his shoes.
Let me say this I would nevertell anyone to get divorced In
cases of chronic unfaithfulness.
It's the only time I've eversaid it one time.

(02:00):
I encourage you to work it out.
It's hard on everyone.
If you take that informationand put in the hard work to make
it work, then everyone isbetter off.
The difference is that yourfamily stays whole and gets
healthy, or you can watch aseveryone struggles on their own

(02:20):
to get healthy, while dealingwith the devastation that the
family is no longer intact.
Today I want to talk about beingloyal, and I want to talk about
being loyal and the darker sideof loyalty, that being
codependency.
Because I'm a very loyal personto begin with and it's always

(02:42):
been my belief to give thebenefit of the doubt and give a
million chances to someone.
It's a dichotomy for me rootingfor the underdog and then doing
whatever is necessary to win.
Loyalty is a necessary trait inany relationship, but let's not
be fooled.
It has that dark side and wecall that codependency.

(03:05):
Let's start with what healthyloyalty looks like.
When loyalty is healthy,there's a give and take between
two people.
In other words, we take intoaccount each other's needs and
those needs being met.
There is a respect, or there isrespect, for one another's

(03:27):
boundaries.
There is a sense of self andindependence, separate from the
needs of others.
Lastly, it entailscommunication so that all
conflicts, needs, desires andemotional health are tended to.
But when loyalty takes a hardright turn toward codependency,

(03:48):
it's all consuming.
Let me tell you what this lookedlike for me.
There is excessive caretakingfor another person.
I became the chief problemsolver, ensuring everything was
taken care of to the point ofneglecting simple things for
myself.
I would rationalize away thebehavior and then I would defend

(04:11):
it and say it was because ofthe illness.
I was pretty much locked insolitary confinement.
I could not hold the boundaryto save my life.
When my therapist introducedsimple boundaries to put in
place, that fear was literallyterrifying.
You, dear listener, may bethinking hey, I'm setting a

(04:32):
boundary here, and then you areterrified.
They will push all the rightbuttons right there in front of
you to test you.
I did this and it did not gowell and it is not the correct
way to set a boundary.
You set the boundary and thenyou see what happens.
You don't announce the boundary, don't give it a neon sign.

(04:53):
I set a boundary, like thisyears ago in front of a person.
I said I'm not letting you talkto me that way.
They kept talking and I said ifyou keep up, I will walk out
the door.
They kept talking and I walkedstraight out the front door,

(05:13):
shut it because I wasn't goingto be traumatized anymore.
There's also the sense of tryingto cover it up.
Man, I was a pro at the coverup.
This is a good one.
You tend to tell everyone itisn't as bad as it seems.
They're crazy, how did you getthere with your answer, all the

(05:37):
while you're screaming yes, itis that bad in your head.
You'll do anything to not letthem be found out.
You will just say, oh, it'sbecause of this or oh, it's
because of that, never, everactually saying it's as bad as
what it is.
You tend to keep the peace andsay whatever is necessary not to

(06:01):
rat out the person you'recovering for Finally exercising
the only emotion you can muster,which is, in reality, is not
yours to begin with.
It's their emotion.
People are out to get them, sothey say.
So you take on the fear.
It's never ending unless youdecide to get help.

(06:25):
In other words, they say onething and that leads you to
believe it, and so that fearsets in deep in your gut, and
then, after a while, you're justconsumed in fear and going yeah
, they are out to get me.
They're not, but it takes thetherapy to get you out of that.

(06:47):
So let's talk about what doeshelp look like in this situation
of codependency.
Well, number one, I'll say itagain go to therapy, because it
literally saved my life.
I preach this.
I will continue to preach ituntil everyone I know goes.
Is it scary?

(07:09):
You bet it is.
I know goes.
Is it scary?
You bet it is.
But once you have found yoursafe place, it brings such
knowledge and peace and wisdomand will help you set your game
plan up for success.
Listen, you think it's scary todivulge your secrets.
It's scarier to keep themhidden.
It's scarier to lock them upinside.

(07:30):
It's scarier to hold on to themso that it eats you alive.
Get it out, find a therapist.
Set some boundaries.
This is the most challengingthing, because you think I can't
even hold a boundary.
It's so easy to say them, butyou have to follow through.

(07:52):
It takes you being sick andtired of being sick and tired,
just do it.
The self-awareness that ittakes you become aware of the
times you're being codependentand recognize the manipulation
that goes along with it, becauseyou've seen the patterns, you

(08:12):
know what they look like, youknow what's coming, you know the
next step that's going tohappen, but you stand your
ground.
Your mental health will take ahuge boost from this.
And finally, you have to focuson a little self-care.
For instance, I would go to myweekly Bible study for two to

(08:34):
three hours and it would be sohealthy for me.
It was the one sane place thatI could go.
It was the most peaceful placethat I could go.
Also, I took a lot of walks,lots of walks two to three miles
, two to three times a day, justto clear my head.

(08:55):
I went to therapy.
I cried a lot, and you will too, but it's so healthy for you to
not hang on to that anymore.
And the thing is, loyalty issuch such a good quality to have
and yet at at times it is just,it's consuming because you're

(09:18):
so codependent on what thatperson thinks.
You take on their feelings, youtake on their, their fears,
their insecurities, and then youbecome that way and then you're
both sick and that doesn't help.
You need to recognize the signsand you have to listen to the
people telling us the signs.

(09:38):
In other words, if you havefriends who are telling you
something, you literally need totake the blinders off and just
weigh it out.
Are they speaking truth to youor are they just pulling your
chain Right?
So take the time to listen.
Find a therapist.

(09:58):
This will help you break freefrom the trap of codependency
and the damage it causes toeveryone around you.
Well, it's a little heavy topicfor this week, but I wanted to
convey because this is somethingthat I struggle with myself the

(10:18):
loyalty piece and knowing whenit's time to go or when it's
time to make a change, whichwe're going to talk about the
next three weeks.
It was supposed to be today,but I decided this need to be
said before we get to that.
So that's why you're gettingthis episode today on loyalty
versus codependency.
Well, that's all I got for thisweek.

(10:41):
Join me next time as we startthis process of knowing when
it's time to leave time to go.
You won't want to miss it.
I'll see you next time.
I don't take it for grantedthat you're here.
You didn't listen by mistake.

(11:02):
If you want to reach out, youcan DM me on Instagram at Tony
Thrash Until next week.
Remember, there's still timeleft on the clock.
Let's get you off the bench tostart your comeback.
I want to give a special shoutout to Country Club for the
original music.
You can find them on Instagramat Country Club.