The Divorce Decision: Four Questions Every Loyalist Must Answer

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Divorce is one of the most difficult decisions a loyalist can face, especially when loyalty has crossed into codependence. I share my personal experience and four critical questions to ask yourself before making this life-altering decision.

• Loyalty is noble and necessary, but becomes toxic when it binds you to someone not interested in mutual growth
• The emotional weight of considering divorce includes guilt, shame, anxiety, and anger
• Have you truly done everything possible to save your marriage, including counseling and therapy?
• Have you had honest, specific, ongoing conversations with your spouse about your unhappiness?
• Consider the practical reality of life after divorce, including living arrangements and finances
• Children sense dysfunction even without knowing details - they need honesty wrapped in love
• Whether staying or leaving, both paths involve pain - staying means brutal work, leaving means brutal grief
• You have the strength to walk through either path and come out stronger

If today's episode struck a chord, I want to invite you to schedule a free 20-minute clarity call with me. No pressure, no judgment, just a safe space to process where you are and what you're feeling. There's a link in the show notes with my calendar.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Is there a major life transition benching you?
I know you may be asking what'snext?
What's my purpose?
What if?
Because I've asked those too.
Welcome to the Start yourComeback Podcast.
I'm Toni Thrash, a certifiedlife coach, and I want to share
the tools and practical steps tohelp you create a winning game

(00:23):
plan to move into your newadventure.
Hi, welcome back.

(00:57):
You're listening to Start yourComeback and this is episode 94.
And this is episode 94.
Today we're heading into thedeep end.
If you caught last week'sepisode, you know we talked
about loyalty and how that good,god-given quality can take a

(01:18):
dark turn into codependence.
Let's be clear Loyalty is noble, it's beautiful, it's necessary
in any relationship worthfighting for.
But when loyalty becomes aleash, when it binds you to
someone who has no interest inhealing, growth or mutual effort
, there's no longer loyalty,it's codependence, and that's a

(01:43):
slow death by emotionalentanglement.
So today we're going to talkabout something that many of us
loyalists never imaginedourselves facing, that's divorce
.
But let me say this first, loudand clear, before we move on I
am not a therapist, I'm a coach.
I'm a woman who's lived thisstory and someone who's done the

(02:04):
hard work with a therapist.
I'm a coach.
I'm a woman who's lived thisstory and someone who's done the
hard work with a therapist.
So what I'm sharing today comesfrom real experience, not just
a theory.
But let's start here first.
Have you ever wanted more forsomeone than they wanted for
themselves?

(02:24):
Wanted more for someone thanthey wanted for themselves?
If that hit you in the gut,then just keep listening.
Before we get into a bunch ofquestions you need to ask
yourself before filing orleaving, let's address some
brutal emotions that come withbeing a loyalist who's living in
that dark side of codependency.
So if you're a loyalist, youknow what I'm talking about.

(02:48):
Right?
The guilt of even thinkingabout leaving can eat you alive.
The shame of breaking a vow youmade 25 years ago, or maybe it
was five or 15.
It sits on your chest like aweight you can't lift, the
anxiety of knowing that thisdecision could blow up your

(03:11):
whole family.
It's paralyzing.
And man.
Then the anger.
You see it's real, becauseyou've tried everything.
You're exhausted.
You've been fighting for atwo-person team while the other
person's sitting on the bench.
Let me tell you, I hate losing,but in this battle I lost, and

(03:34):
so did my family.
So how do you know it's time togo.
Let's just slow down a minuteand walk through a few questions
together.
These are the questions I hadto ask myself when I was staring
down the end of my marriage.
This is the hard pregame filmsession before a decision is

(03:54):
made.
All right, here we go.
Number one have you doneeverything you can to save your
marriage?
And I don't mean like you'veread a book or you've been
venting to your best friend, Imean the hard work.
Have you gone to marriagecounseling?
Have you gone to individualtherapy to work on your stuff?

(04:16):
Are you showing up with thewillingness to do your part,
regardless of whether yourspouse is doing theirs?
Do the work for you.
And yes, even if they won't,why?
Because your kids are watching.
Show them what fighting forsomething really looks like.

(04:39):
Number two have you had honest,specific and ongoing
conversations with your spouseabout your unhappiness?
Not just I'm not happy, buthere's where I'm struggling in
this marriage.
Be willing to sit inuncomfortable conversations.

(04:59):
This isn't a one and done talk.
These are open, raw, repeatedconversations that peel back all
the layers.
Number three have you thoughtabout what life will look like
on your own?
Because, let me tell you, whenI walked away.

(05:20):
I didn't just lose a marriage,I became an empty nester and
divorced all at the same time.
I had to figure out where I wasgoing to live, how to handle
finances and how to build abrand new life on my own.
You need to start imagining thepractical reality, not just the
fantasy of relief.

(05:50):
Number four how will this affectyour kids?
And, honestly, this should bequestion number one, or it could
be question number one, but thetruth is your kids already know
.
They see the tension, they feelthe silence.
They may not know the details,but they sense the dysfunction.
I have a two-year-old grandsonand his parents are in the
process of moving.
He doesn't understand and he'she's unsure, he's a little bit

(06:15):
whiny and he wants to be held,to feel safe.
And that's how we know thatthey sense and know these things
even at an early age.
And while you should absolutelyprotect them from adult
problems, you owe them thehonesty, without being graphic.
They don't need to know thedetails, they don't need the

(06:38):
courtroom transcript, they justneed to feel safety, stability
and the truth wrapped in love.
There are dozens of questionsyou could ask, but these four
are foundational and here's thelast bit of hard truth.
Whichever road you choosestaying or leaving it's going to

(06:59):
be painful.
There's no path out of thiswithout hurt.
If you stay, it's brutal work.
If you leave, it's brutal grief.
Either way it's work and eitherway it's hard.
But here's what I know you cando these hard things.
You can walk through the grief,the fear and the uncertainty

(07:22):
and come out stronger.
I did, and I've coached otherwomen who have.
You're not crazy.
You're certainly not weak.
You're just someone trying tofind solid ground again.
So if you're in that place,your heart's racing, your
brain's spinning and you'rewondering what your next move is

(07:43):
.
Don't do it alone.
If today's episode struck achord, I want to invite you to
schedule a free 20 minuteclarity call with me.
No pressure, no judgment, justa safe space to process where
you are and what you're feeling.
There's a link in the shownotes with my calendar.

(08:04):
Just click on it and it'll giveyou the times and that I'm
available to talk.
And if you haven't already, goback and listen to last week's
episode on loyalty andcodependence.
It's a powerful setup for thisconversation.
Remember, loyalty is a gift,but your comeback, that's your

(08:25):
responsibility.
I'm here cheering you on.
I'll see you next time.
Hey, thanks for listening.
I don't take it for grantedthat you're here.
You didn't listen by mistake.
If you want to reach out, youcan DM me on Instagram at Tony
Thrash Until next week.
Remember, there's still timeleft on the clock.

(08:47):
Let's get you off the bench tostart your comeback.
I want to give a special shoutout to Country Club for the
original music.
You can find them on Instagramat Country Club.
Thank you.