August 21, 2025 • 25 mins
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Brittany Tinsley, author of "Stories Our Scars Tell," shares her 20-year journey through self-injury, healing, and finding purpose in her pain. This raw conversation explores how scars—both literal and metaphorical—can become powerful storytellers of hope and redemption.
• Brittany explains how her struggle with self-injury began at age 15 and continued into adulthood
• The crucial role of hope in sustaining her through dark periods: "Eventually this is going to be okay"
• Why shame thrives in secrecy and how vulnerability begins to break its power
• The profound impact of her professor's acceptance when he saw her wounds: "This doesn't change how I see you"
• The concept of "invisible effort"—the unseen battles we fight that no one acknowledges
• How fierce independence can both help and hinder healing
• The transformative role of therapy in sustained recovery
Pre-order "Stories Our Scars Tell" now everywhere books are sold. Connect with Brittany at britneytinsley.com or on Instagram @BrittanyTinsleyWrites.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Is there a major life transition benching you?
I know you may be asking what'snext?
What's my purpose?
What if?
Because I've asked those too.
Welcome to the Start yourComeback podcast.
I'm Toni Thrash, a certifiedlife coach, and I want to share
the tools and practical steps tohelp you create a winning game
(00:23):
plan to move into your newadventure.
Hi, welcome back.
(00:57):
You're listening to episode 98of the Start your Comeback
podcast.
Today, my good friend Brittanyis here to tell us all about her
new book.
Brittany Tinsley is a writer,speaker and the author of
Stories Our Scars Tell.
Her work explores theintersection of faith, mental
health, shaped by her personalexperience with self-injury.
(01:20):
Through honest, heartfeltstorytelling, she invites others
to find the hope baked intotheir own lives.
Brittany lives in Texas withher husband and their two
daughters.
Hey, brittany, thanks so muchfor joining me today on the
Start your Comeback podcast.
I am so glad you're here.
You bet, as you guys heard inthe beginning, brittany's book
(01:45):
comes out September the 9th andit's called the Stories Our
Scars Tell, and so I'm superexcited.
I've had an advanced copy toread and you guys are going to
love every word of it, and so,if it's okay with you, brittany,
we're just going to jump inwith some questions and go from
(02:05):
there.
Sounds great, all right,awesome.
So to tie everything in,obviously your book Stories Are
Sparse.
Tale comes out September the9th and while your comeback
story is a little bit differentthan what typically I talk about
, it is nevertheless a comeback.
So if you don't mind, I justkind of like to just jump in
(02:28):
with the questions and you feelfree to say pass or whatever.
But do you want to give alittle bit of history, to kind
of give them the idea of whatthe book is about, so then they
kind of understand what we'rediscussing?
Speaker 2 (02:44):
Yeah, absolutely so.
The book is about hope andhealing, and it's told through
the lens of my own struggle withself-injury.
That's something that I startedstruggling with when I was
about 15.
Now I'm in my mid-30s, and sofor the last 20 or so years,
that's been something that I'vebeen working through, and so the
book talks a lot about whatthat looked like and the
(03:05):
questions that people tend to beleft with after they've gone
through hard things or seasonsof struggle and are trying to
pick up the pieces after thefact.
Speaker 1 (03:14):
Yeah, it's a great.
It's a great read and youdidn't see the results
immediately.
Speaker 2 (03:19):
So, in your teens and through your 20s, what was the
thing that kept you from beingdiscouraged or put you on the
bench to say I think that it wasreally tempting to be
discouraged, because, as I wastrying to sort of figure things
out and trying to figure outwhat it looked like to stop
(03:40):
self-injuring, it wasn't reallyworking for me and I spent a lot
of time trying a lot ofdifferent things and wasn't
seeing much fruit from thoseefforts.
And I think the thing thatreally kept me going was and I
can't even fully explain thisbut the sense that, like
eventually, one day it was allgoing to mean something.
And so I held on to this hopethat eventually, something good
(04:07):
would come from this really hardthing that I was going through.
And I can remember being justreally in a dark place, like in
the depths of it, and sitting onthe floor in my bedroom and
thinking eventually this isgoing to be okay, eventually
God's going to use this somehow.
Eventually there's going to bea story here.
And that was, I think, thething, more than anything else,
(04:29):
that kept me going when it wasreally really hard.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
Wow, Well, what was the you talk about in the book?
What was the thing that led youto start your journey of
healing, or your comeback, ifyou will?
Speaker 2 (04:45):
Yeah, eventually I got to the point where I was
struggling so much that itstarted to scare me.
I started the self-injuryitself started having more power
over me than I ever imaginedthat it would, and so it was at
that point that I thought I amin way over my head.
(05:05):
I need some outside help.
I need somebody else to help mefigure this out.
I don't really know where to gofrom here on my own, and so I'm
going to tell some people andfigure out what I can do, what
resources there are, how theycan help, and hopefully then
I'll be able to get on top ofthis in a way that I wasn't able
to by myself.
(05:26):
Who was the first person youtold?
So the very first person that Itold was a friend of mine, and
she and I sort of talked aboutit and I didn't really have any
adults.
This was when I was in earlyhigh school.
I didn't really have any adultswho I trusted, but she and I
(05:46):
kind of agreed together that Ishould tell a woman who
volunteered at our church in theyouth ministry and that she
would be a good person.
She was in her early 20s, whichat the time, as a 15-year-old,
seemed really grown up and likeshe really had her life together
.
And so I told Danielle it wasthis woman's name.
I told Danielle and she wasjust so encouraging and had the
kindest response and herreaction, her positive reaction,
(06:11):
her acceptance, her we're goingto figure this out together,
we're going to be in thistogether sort of response made
me feel like it was okay to tellsome other people.
And if you read the book youknow things didn't always pan
out in a good way, but thatinitial response, that first
time, really made it seem likeokay, like I can tell other
(06:31):
people and there are people whoare going to be willing to step
in and help.
Speaker 1 (06:36):
Awesome.
Well, so, along those samelines, I wanted to ask you, um,
about the emotions, right, soliving in fear or shame of
someone finding out, right, youhave those feelings before
you're hiding, trying to keep itunder wraps, but then also of
(07:01):
learning to be vulnerable withsomeone, and then the shame of
oh my gosh, I shouldn't havetold them that and the fear of
fear of what that.
Can you talk a little bit aboutwhat that was like for you?
Speaker 2 (07:14):
Yeah, I was terrified to tell anybody about the
self-injury Before I toldanybody else.
I thought that if I toldanybody that I was going to
immediately be sent to a psychward, that all of these terrible
things were going to happen,that people were going to think
I was this terrible person.
There was just a lot of fear,mostly shame-based fear,
(07:38):
associated with it, and so Ireally hesitated to tell people.
And then, once I told, myfriend and Danielle and a couple
other people found out and theydidn't have that reaction.
I don't know that it ever gotless scary to tell people, but I
think that some of the shamesort of started to dissipate.
And then, as time went on andsort of as things unfolded, I
(08:01):
ended up having to tell someother people and they did not
react as positively, and thosereactions, instead of I think I
think scaring me into doingbetter, really just scared me
into hiding more effectively,and so the shame that that
existed made me think well, I'mnever going to tell this story
(08:25):
ever again.
It's going to be this deep,dark secret that I hold on to
forever, and maybe one day Godwill do something with it, but
that's probably not going to befor a real long time, and so I
just got really good at hidingthings and thought I had to
handle it on my own at thatpoint, because if I told anybody
I was going to be met withshame or ostracism or something
(08:49):
like that.
Speaker 1 (08:50):
Yeah, I think.
Going back to the shame thing,I mean I don't know if you're a
fan of Brene Brown or not.
Speaker 2 (08:55):
I love Brene.
Speaker 1 (08:56):
Brown.
I love Brene Brown and I justremember watching her TED Talk,
the first one and then the oneafter the second one, and she
talks about how shame is allabout secrecy, but within once
you name it and it brings outand no longer has a hold on you.
Did you feel that way?
Speaker 2 (09:16):
eventually.
I think eventually, yes, a lotof this was happening, you know,
is when I was a young teenager.
You know, started when I was 15.
So I was 15, 16, when a lot ofthis was unfolding, kind of
initially, and at that point, Idon't know that it did get
easier.
I think as I got older, as Igot into my 20s and through
(09:37):
college, that then the shamestarted.
I think as I got older, into my20s and into college, that the
shame shifted and then it didbecome easier to deal with,
because I think at some point Istarted recognizing that I am
not this self-injury thing.
(09:57):
The self-injury is a part of me, it's something that I deal
with, but it isn't me, and if itisn't me, then it's not my
shame to carry.
It's just this thing that I'mwalking through and I think that
helped release a lot of thatfor me.
Speaker 1 (10:12):
I love that that's so good.
Well, for those of you who arenot here with us today, brittany
walked into the meeting roomtoday with me, tears streaming
down my face as I was readingthis story in her book, and I'm
going to ask her to just share alittle bit about it and then
(10:34):
what you were feeling once thatsituation happened.
But I'm going to cry now.
The story about you walkinginto your professor's office I'm
not going to share.
I'm going to let you tell itbecause it was like oh my gosh.
Speaker 2 (10:52):
So I had a professor in college who I was close with.
I had him for several classes.
He and I had gone on severalmission trips together with our
school, and so I knew him well.
I babysat his kids, I helpedhim move, I had dinner at his
house with my friends prettyoften, so we were like involved
in each other's lives.
And I was in a period of a lotof self-injury and I had a cut
(11:17):
that I thought was maybeinfected and I didn't know what
to do because I didn't feel likeI could go to the doctor.
I was on my parents' insurancestill and I knew if I went to
the hospital or to an urgentcare or something it was going
to get flagged on theirinsurance and my parents didn't
know that I was still hurtingmyself and so that was going to
be complicated and messy.
And so, as this cut was nothealing, my friend now he's my
(11:41):
husband, but at the time he wasjust a friend was like you know.
I think that maybe we shouldask this professor what we
should do.
Let him look at it.
He's somebody you know, whoknows what he's talking about,
like.
Surely he'll have a goodsolution.
And so after one of our classes.
We walked over to my professor'soffice and my now husband sort
(12:01):
of deposited me there and waslike she has something she wants
to tell you.
And so my professor's sittingthere looking at me very
expectantly and I have toexplain that I have this cut and
I think it's infected and Idon't know what to do.
And he asked to see it so thathe could assess what the
situation was.
(12:22):
And that was terrifying to mebecause that's not something
that I ever let people see orexamine or that I really even
wanted to talk about face toface with anybody.
And so to have to sit in frontof him and not only talk about
it but also actually show himthe damage and not just a scar
but like active damage wasreally intimidating.
And so I pulled my sleeve upand showed him my arm and he
(12:47):
sort of looked at it and told methat he thought it was going to
be okay, he felt it, and but ashe was looking he saw these
scars and he asked if I'd madethose too.
And I said yes, and it was thismoment of such vulnerability
and such exposure, and and helooked back at me and he had
(13:10):
tears in his eyes and he waslike you know, this doesn't
change anything, this doesn'tchange how I see you.
And that was just the mostprofound moment for me, because
I was sitting in front of him inprobably the most vulnerable
state I'd ever been in in frontof somebody in regards to
self-injury, and had him respondwith this doesn't change
(13:34):
anything.
When he could have said I seeyou real differently now.
You're no longer this greatstudent, you're no longer going
to babysit my kids.
I don't think you're a strongChristian anymore.
He could have come up with somany other things and he didn't.
And so I just remember sittingin that conversation with him,
trying desperately to believehim.
And I did believe him.
(13:54):
But also there was this voicethat still was like but maybe
it's all a lie, maybe he doesn'treally mean it, maybe he means
it right now, in this moment,but tomorrow he's not going to
mean it.
And I was in his class againthe next day and he was.
I mean, he was true to his word.
Nothing changed.
I still babysat his kids, Istill was treated the same in
(14:15):
class.
He eventually performed ourwedding, and so it was just.
It was just a really beautiful,tender, special moment that I
don't know if it carried muchweight for him, but for me it
meant a whole, whole lot.
(14:37):
Well, does he know you'vewritten a book now?
He, he does.
Yes, and I've shared this storywith him before.
I shared this, uh, that chapterwith him and and he was very
nice about it and told me youknow what a great writer I was
and things like that.
But yeah, it was a really, areally meaningful moment for me.
I love that.
Speaker 1 (14:54):
It's so important to have people on your team and in
your life that see the yuck andstill love you anyway, and
that's that's important.
And y'all know that you talk alot about community.
We're not going to really delveinto that, but it's a big, it's
a big part of all of us.
We have to have that communityto to show us the tough love and
(15:17):
tell us some things we don'twant to hear, but yet at the
same time, tell us and be tenderwith us like that.
I've still got tears flowingdown my face, people.
There's a line in your book youtalk about invisible effort.
I would just love for you toexpound on that.
(15:41):
It was like I reread thatprobably I don't know 10 times
because it's so good.
If you don't mind, it's yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:52):
I think so.
I don't know if I created thisidea of invisible effort that's
what I've always called it, butit's this idea that a lot of the
time when you're strugglingwith something, there's a lot of
effort that goes, that goes onbehind the scenes that nobody
else is going to necessarilyknow about unless you actually
tell them.
And so for me, in regards toself-injury, it was this
(16:12):
invisible effort of trying notto hurt myself, and for every
cut that maybe there was on mybody somewhere, there were a
thousand more that I hadn't made, and nobody would know that
just from looking.
And so that's the invisibleeffort is those thousands that
you didn't make.
And obviously that looksdifferent for everybody
depending on your situation andwhat you're walking through and
what maybe you're strugglingwith or trying to come back from
(16:34):
.
But we all put an invisibleeffort in our own ways, and I
think that it's really temptingto want people to acknowledge
that and they just can't becausethey don't know.
And so on some level it's justsomething that you have to hold
and recognize that you know thatyou're putting in effort,
whether or not the results lookhow everybody thinks that they
(16:56):
should, or whether or notanybody else ever tells you that
they see it or anything likethat.
You know that you are puttingin this invisible effort as
you're working through things.
Speaker 1 (17:06):
Oh, book number two.
Speaker 2 (17:09):
I'll tell my agent.
Speaker 1 (17:12):
Okay, and then I'm just going to.
I have one more kind ofquestion for you and then we'll
find out all the details ofwhere you are and how we can
find you and order your book.
But you talk about this fierceindependence and I love that
term because I feel like that'spart of who I am to a degree.
(17:35):
But I also know that there'stwo sides to the fierce
independence.
Right, it can keep us from help, asking permission or giving
ourselves permission for help,but it also can give us the
drive to accomplish the thing.
So would you just kind ofmention that and talk?
Speaker 2 (17:55):
about that.
Yeah, I mean, I think you hitthe nail on the head.
It's this really good thing.
It can be really powerful, itcan drive you forward, it can
help you get where you need togo, and sometimes you do sort of
have to pull yourself up by thebootstraps, and that's when
that fierce independence kicksin.
But also there's the dark sideof it that makes it really hard
(18:15):
to reach out for help.
It makes it really hard toreach out for help.
It makes it feel like you'realmost failing if you need help,
because you're so used to doingthings on your own and sort of
figuring it out.
And so I think for me, part ofmy journey has been learning how
to hold the nuance of that tosay I can be really independent.
I can be this fiercelyindependent person who really is
(18:35):
sort of driven internally to dothings and solve problems, and
also I am a human and so I havelimits, and so that means that
sometimes I'm in over my head.
Sometimes I need people with adifferent kind of expertise or
different life experience tostep in and help in some way,
(18:55):
whether that's professional helpof some sort or emotional
support or friends who comealongside you and cheer you on,
whatever it might be.
It doesn't have to be thiseither or you're independent or
you're really needy type thing,which I think is where my brain
likes to go.
It can be you can be fiercelyindependent and also recognize
(19:16):
that you can't do everything,because none of us can do
everything Exactly.
Speaker 1 (19:21):
And so, sorry, I came up with one more question.
You're good, so talk about theimportance of the continuation
of therapy.
Counselors, how are you honest?
How do you?
Who keeps you accountable?
Is that a thing, or is thatjust like?
Speaker 2 (19:42):
what does that look like?
For me, it looks like a lot oftherapy.
I did not did not do therapy inwell.
I went to a therapist for avery brief window of time which
I share about in the book when Iwas a high schooler, but then I
didn't do therapy until my late20s, and going to therapy for
(20:02):
the first time was the bestdecision I have ever made for
myself, and I still go totherapy now.
I think that it is such apowerful tool and it's not
necessarily that you quoteunquote need therapy every week
or every month or however oftenit is that you're going.
But for me it's more abouthaving guardrails in place so
(20:22):
that if things start to go alittle bit off, the rails you
already have.
And circling back to the shamepart of our conversation earlier
when I enabled me to actuallybe honest with the people who
know me the best, so that when Iam struggling I can say that,
or when things are really great,I can say that, and I think
that when we have people whoknow us at our best and at our
(20:45):
worst, we feel less alone, andwhen we feel less alone, we're
less inclined to make decisionsthat maybe we wouldn't otherwise
make.
It provides some accountability, it provides community, it
provides support, and there'sthis reciprocal element to those
relationships that I think isreally important in staying
healthy too.
It's not just what can youoffer me, it's what can I offer
(21:06):
you.
And if everybody's sort ofleaning on each other, as cliche
as it is, that makes everybodybetter.
Speaker 1 (21:13):
Yeah, I agree, therapy is the thing that saved
my life back then.
And I have him on speed dialnow and if I say, hey, todd, I
need to see you, he's like, ok,I'll get you worked in, but not
that there's anything major,it's just to check in and say,
here's where I'm going, here'swhere things are, and just to
(21:40):
continue to put myself intosomeone who is that third party,
kind of to just keep megrounded.
I think everybody should go totherapy if they can.
Right, I agree with that.
I preached that on this show.
People are so tired of hearingme say it.
It's a jury.
Well, I'll echo you.
Speaker 2 (21:58):
Everybody should go to therapy.
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (22:00):
I appreciate that that's a nice plug.
Well, listen, thanks for beingmy friend, Thanks for writing
this book and making me cry inthe public library.
I'm so sorry and I would justlove for you to pitch the book.
Pitch where we can find you.
Speaker 2 (22:17):
Yeah, so the book is called Stories Our Scars Tell.
It comes out September 9th.
It's available for pre-ordernow, everywhere books are sold.
You can find me online atbritneytinsleycom.
You can find more informationabout the book there and also a
link to my sub stack.
I write a weekly sub stack andthen on social media I'm at
(22:37):
Brittany Tinsley writes onInstagram.
That's where I tend to hang outthe most in terms of social
media, so that's where you canfind me.
Speaker 1 (22:43):
I love it, I think.
Thanks so much for being here.
This means the world to me, andlisten people.
I've pre-ordered the book andI've already read at least 75%
of it.
I suggest you go pre-orderright now, because here's the
thing.
There's someone that you know,a neighbor's teenager, I don't
(23:04):
know.
There's someone who couldpossibly be struggling with this
, and I know that this book isgoing to minister to so many
people, so thanks for being heretoday.
I really appreciate it.
Speaker 2 (23:14):
Thank you, thank you for having me.
Speaker 1 (23:23):
Wow.
Okay, if you're anything likeme, you're going to need a
moment to let all of that settlein.
What a powerful conversation.
Brittany, thank you not justfor being here today, but for
the bravery it took to writethis book the Stories Our Scars
Tell Y'all.
This isn't just a memoir.
It's a mirror, a flashlight anda life raft all in one, and I
(23:50):
truly believe it's going to be ahealing companion for so many
who are walking through darkseasons, wondering if they'll
ever see light again.
To everyone listening, maybeyou're not struggling with
self-injury, but maybe someoneyou love is, or maybe you just
need to be reminded that yourinvisible effort matters, that
your fierce independence doesn'thave to mean silent suffering,
(24:12):
that therapy isn't weakness,it's wisdom, and that you, too,
have a comeback story worthtelling.
So here's what I want you to doGo pre-order the Stories Our
Scars Tell.
It drops September 9th and youcan grab it wherever books are
sold.
I've pre-ordered mine on Amazon.
I will get it on September the9th.
(24:34):
Follow Brittany on Instagram atBrittany Tinsley Writes, and
check out her weekly sub stackfor more raw, real encouragement
.
I'll put all those links in theshow notes and if you're
feeling all the things right nowmaybe some shame relief, fear,
hope.
You're not alone.
You never were.
You're not alone.
(24:55):
You never were.
Until next week, keep doing thework, keep showing up and
remember.
Your scars may tell a story,but they do not define the
ending.
I'll see you next time.
Hey, thanks for listening.
I don't take it for grantedthat you're here.
You didn't listen by mistake.
If you want to reach out, youcan DM me on Instagram at Tony
(25:18):
Thrash.
Until next week.
Remember, there's still timeleft on the clock.
Let's get you off the bench tostart your comeback.
I want to give a special shoutout to Country Club for the
original music.
(25:40):
You can find them on Instagramat country club.
So
Is there a major life transition benching you?
I know you may be asking what'snext?
What's my purpose?
What if?
Because I've asked those too.
Welcome to the Start yourComeback podcast.
I'm Toni Thrash, a certifiedlife coach, and I want to share
the tools and practical steps tohelp you create a winning game
(00:23):
plan to move into your newadventure.
Hi, welcome back.
(00:57):
You're listening to episode 98of the Start your Comeback
podcast.
Today, my good friend Brittanyis here to tell us all about her
new book.
Brittany Tinsley is a writer,speaker and the author of
Stories Our Scars Tell.
Her work explores theintersection of faith, mental
health, shaped by her personalexperience with self-injury.
(01:20):
Through honest, heartfeltstorytelling, she invites others
to find the hope baked intotheir own lives.
Brittany lives in Texas withher husband and their two
daughters.
Hey, brittany, thanks so muchfor joining me today on the
Start your Comeback podcast.
I am so glad you're here.
You bet, as you guys heard inthe beginning, brittany's book
(01:45):
comes out September the 9th andit's called the Stories Our
Scars Tell, and so I'm superexcited.
I've had an advanced copy toread and you guys are going to
love every word of it, and so,if it's okay with you, brittany,
we're just going to jump inwith some questions and go from
(02:05):
there.
Sounds great, all right,awesome.
So to tie everything in,obviously your book Stories Are
Sparse.
Tale comes out September the9th and while your comeback
story is a little bit differentthan what typically I talk about
, it is nevertheless a comeback.
So if you don't mind, I justkind of like to just jump in
(02:28):
with the questions and you feelfree to say pass or whatever.
But do you want to give alittle bit of history, to kind
of give them the idea of whatthe book is about, so then they
kind of understand what we'rediscussing?
Speaker 2 (02:44):
Yeah, absolutely so.
The book is about hope andhealing, and it's told through
the lens of my own struggle withself-injury.
That's something that I startedstruggling with when I was
about 15.
Now I'm in my mid-30s, and sofor the last 20 or so years,
that's been something that I'vebeen working through, and so the
book talks a lot about whatthat looked like and the
(03:05):
questions that people tend to beleft with after they've gone
through hard things or seasonsof struggle and are trying to
pick up the pieces after thefact.
Speaker 1 (03:14):
Yeah, it's a great.
It's a great read and youdidn't see the results
immediately.
Speaker 2 (03:19):
So, in your teens and through your 20s, what was the
thing that kept you from beingdiscouraged or put you on the
bench to say I think that it wasreally tempting to be
discouraged, because, as I wastrying to sort of figure things
out and trying to figure outwhat it looked like to stop
(03:40):
self-injuring, it wasn't reallyworking for me and I spent a lot
of time trying a lot ofdifferent things and wasn't
seeing much fruit from thoseefforts.
And I think the thing thatreally kept me going was and I
can't even fully explain thisbut the sense that, like
eventually, one day it was allgoing to mean something.
And so I held on to this hopethat eventually, something good
(04:07):
would come from this really hardthing that I was going through.
And I can remember being justreally in a dark place, like in
the depths of it, and sitting onthe floor in my bedroom and
thinking eventually this isgoing to be okay, eventually
God's going to use this somehow.
Eventually there's going to bea story here.
And that was, I think, thething, more than anything else,
(04:29):
that kept me going when it wasreally really hard.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
Wow, Well, what was the you talk about in the book?
What was the thing that led youto start your journey of
healing, or your comeback, ifyou will?
Speaker 2 (04:45):
Yeah, eventually I got to the point where I was
struggling so much that itstarted to scare me.
I started the self-injuryitself started having more power
over me than I ever imaginedthat it would, and so it was at
that point that I thought I amin way over my head.
(05:05):
I need some outside help.
I need somebody else to help mefigure this out.
I don't really know where to gofrom here on my own, and so I'm
going to tell some people andfigure out what I can do, what
resources there are, how theycan help, and hopefully then
I'll be able to get on top ofthis in a way that I wasn't able
to by myself.
(05:26):
Who was the first person youtold?
So the very first person that Itold was a friend of mine, and
she and I sort of talked aboutit and I didn't really have any
adults.
This was when I was in earlyhigh school.
I didn't really have any adultswho I trusted, but she and I
(05:46):
kind of agreed together that Ishould tell a woman who
volunteered at our church in theyouth ministry and that she
would be a good person.
She was in her early 20s, whichat the time, as a 15-year-old,
seemed really grown up and likeshe really had her life together
.
And so I told Danielle it wasthis woman's name.
I told Danielle and she wasjust so encouraging and had the
kindest response and herreaction, her positive reaction,
(06:11):
her acceptance, her we're goingto figure this out together,
we're going to be in thistogether sort of response made
me feel like it was okay to tellsome other people.
And if you read the book youknow things didn't always pan
out in a good way, but thatinitial response, that first
time, really made it seem likeokay, like I can tell other
(06:31):
people and there are people whoare going to be willing to step
in and help.
Speaker 1 (06:36):
Awesome.
Well, so, along those samelines, I wanted to ask you, um,
about the emotions, right, soliving in fear or shame of
someone finding out, right, youhave those feelings before
you're hiding, trying to keep itunder wraps, but then also of
(07:01):
learning to be vulnerable withsomeone, and then the shame of
oh my gosh, I shouldn't havetold them that and the fear of
fear of what that.
Can you talk a little bit aboutwhat that was like for you?
Speaker 2 (07:14):
Yeah, I was terrified to tell anybody about the
self-injury Before I toldanybody else.
I thought that if I toldanybody that I was going to
immediately be sent to a psychward, that all of these terrible
things were going to happen,that people were going to think
I was this terrible person.
There was just a lot of fear,mostly shame-based fear,
(07:38):
associated with it, and so Ireally hesitated to tell people.
And then, once I told, myfriend and Danielle and a couple
other people found out and theydidn't have that reaction.
I don't know that it ever gotless scary to tell people, but I
think that some of the shamesort of started to dissipate.
And then, as time went on andsort of as things unfolded, I
(08:01):
ended up having to tell someother people and they did not
react as positively, and thosereactions, instead of I think I
think scaring me into doingbetter, really just scared me
into hiding more effectively,and so the shame that that
existed made me think well, I'mnever going to tell this story
(08:25):
ever again.
It's going to be this deep,dark secret that I hold on to
forever, and maybe one day Godwill do something with it, but
that's probably not going to befor a real long time, and so I
just got really good at hidingthings and thought I had to
handle it on my own at thatpoint, because if I told anybody
I was going to be met withshame or ostracism or something
(08:49):
like that.
Speaker 1 (08:50):
Yeah, I think.
Going back to the shame thing,I mean I don't know if you're a
fan of Brene Brown or not.
Speaker 2 (08:55):
I love Brene.
Speaker 1 (08:56):
Brown.
I love Brene Brown and I justremember watching her TED Talk,
the first one and then the oneafter the second one, and she
talks about how shame is allabout secrecy, but within once
you name it and it brings outand no longer has a hold on you.
Did you feel that way?
Speaker 2 (09:16):
eventually.
I think eventually, yes, a lotof this was happening, you know,
is when I was a young teenager.
You know, started when I was 15.
So I was 15, 16, when a lot ofthis was unfolding, kind of
initially, and at that point, Idon't know that it did get
easier.
I think as I got older, as Igot into my 20s and through
(09:37):
college, that then the shamestarted.
I think as I got older, into my20s and into college, that the
shame shifted and then it didbecome easier to deal with,
because I think at some point Istarted recognizing that I am
not this self-injury thing.
(09:57):
The self-injury is a part of me, it's something that I deal
with, but it isn't me, and if itisn't me, then it's not my
shame to carry.
It's just this thing that I'mwalking through and I think that
helped release a lot of thatfor me.
Speaker 1 (10:12):
I love that that's so good.
Well, for those of you who arenot here with us today, brittany
walked into the meeting roomtoday with me, tears streaming
down my face as I was readingthis story in her book, and I'm
going to ask her to just share alittle bit about it and then
(10:34):
what you were feeling once thatsituation happened.
But I'm going to cry now.
The story about you walkinginto your professor's office I'm
not going to share.
I'm going to let you tell itbecause it was like oh my gosh.
Speaker 2 (10:52):
So I had a professor in college who I was close with.
I had him for several classes.
He and I had gone on severalmission trips together with our
school, and so I knew him well.
I babysat his kids, I helpedhim move, I had dinner at his
house with my friends prettyoften, so we were like involved
in each other's lives.
And I was in a period of a lotof self-injury and I had a cut
(11:17):
that I thought was maybeinfected and I didn't know what
to do because I didn't feel likeI could go to the doctor.
I was on my parents' insurancestill and I knew if I went to
the hospital or to an urgentcare or something it was going
to get flagged on theirinsurance and my parents didn't
know that I was still hurtingmyself and so that was going to
be complicated and messy.
And so, as this cut was nothealing, my friend now he's my
(11:41):
husband, but at the time he wasjust a friend was like you know.
I think that maybe we shouldask this professor what we
should do.
Let him look at it.
He's somebody you know, whoknows what he's talking about,
like.
Surely he'll have a goodsolution.
And so after one of our classes.
We walked over to my professor'soffice and my now husband sort
(12:01):
of deposited me there and waslike she has something she wants
to tell you.
And so my professor's sittingthere looking at me very
expectantly and I have toexplain that I have this cut and
I think it's infected and Idon't know what to do.
And he asked to see it so thathe could assess what the
situation was.
(12:22):
And that was terrifying to mebecause that's not something
that I ever let people see orexamine or that I really even
wanted to talk about face toface with anybody.
And so to have to sit in frontof him and not only talk about
it but also actually show himthe damage and not just a scar
but like active damage wasreally intimidating.
And so I pulled my sleeve upand showed him my arm and he
(12:47):
sort of looked at it and told methat he thought it was going to
be okay, he felt it, and but ashe was looking he saw these
scars and he asked if I'd madethose too.
And I said yes, and it was thismoment of such vulnerability
and such exposure, and and helooked back at me and he had
(13:10):
tears in his eyes and he waslike you know, this doesn't
change anything, this doesn'tchange how I see you.
And that was just the mostprofound moment for me, because
I was sitting in front of him inprobably the most vulnerable
state I'd ever been in in frontof somebody in regards to
self-injury, and had him respondwith this doesn't change
(13:34):
anything.
When he could have said I seeyou real differently now.
You're no longer this greatstudent, you're no longer going
to babysit my kids.
I don't think you're a strongChristian anymore.
He could have come up with somany other things and he didn't.
And so I just remember sittingin that conversation with him,
trying desperately to believehim.
And I did believe him.
(13:54):
But also there was this voicethat still was like but maybe
it's all a lie, maybe he doesn'treally mean it, maybe he means
it right now, in this moment,but tomorrow he's not going to
mean it.
And I was in his class againthe next day and he was.
I mean, he was true to his word.
Nothing changed.
I still babysat his kids, Istill was treated the same in
(14:15):
class.
He eventually performed ourwedding, and so it was just.
It was just a really beautiful,tender, special moment that I
don't know if it carried muchweight for him, but for me it
meant a whole, whole lot.
(14:37):
Well, does he know you'vewritten a book now?
He, he does.
Yes, and I've shared this storywith him before.
I shared this, uh, that chapterwith him and and he was very
nice about it and told me youknow what a great writer I was
and things like that.
But yeah, it was a really, areally meaningful moment for me.
I love that.
Speaker 1 (14:54):
It's so important to have people on your team and in
your life that see the yuck andstill love you anyway, and
that's that's important.
And y'all know that you talk alot about community.
We're not going to really delveinto that, but it's a big, it's
a big part of all of us.
We have to have that communityto to show us the tough love and
(15:17):
tell us some things we don'twant to hear, but yet at the
same time, tell us and be tenderwith us like that.
I've still got tears flowingdown my face, people.
There's a line in your book youtalk about invisible effort.
I would just love for you toexpound on that.
(15:41):
It was like I reread thatprobably I don't know 10 times
because it's so good.
If you don't mind, it's yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:52):
I think so.
I don't know if I created thisidea of invisible effort that's
what I've always called it, butit's this idea that a lot of the
time when you're strugglingwith something, there's a lot of
effort that goes, that goes onbehind the scenes that nobody
else is going to necessarilyknow about unless you actually
tell them.
And so for me, in regards toself-injury, it was this
(16:12):
invisible effort of trying notto hurt myself, and for every
cut that maybe there was on mybody somewhere, there were a
thousand more that I hadn't made, and nobody would know that
just from looking.
And so that's the invisibleeffort is those thousands that
you didn't make.
And obviously that looksdifferent for everybody
depending on your situation andwhat you're walking through and
what maybe you're strugglingwith or trying to come back from
(16:34):
.
But we all put an invisibleeffort in our own ways, and I
think that it's really temptingto want people to acknowledge
that and they just can't becausethey don't know.
And so on some level it's justsomething that you have to hold
and recognize that you know thatyou're putting in effort,
whether or not the results lookhow everybody thinks that they
(16:56):
should, or whether or notanybody else ever tells you that
they see it or anything likethat.
You know that you are puttingin this invisible effort as
you're working through things.
Speaker 1 (17:06):
Oh, book number two.
Speaker 2 (17:09):
I'll tell my agent.
Speaker 1 (17:12):
Okay, and then I'm just going to.
I have one more kind ofquestion for you and then we'll
find out all the details ofwhere you are and how we can
find you and order your book.
But you talk about this fierceindependence and I love that
term because I feel like that'spart of who I am to a degree.
(17:35):
But I also know that there'stwo sides to the fierce
independence.
Right, it can keep us from help, asking permission or giving
ourselves permission for help,but it also can give us the
drive to accomplish the thing.
So would you just kind ofmention that and talk?
Speaker 2 (17:55):
about that.
Yeah, I mean, I think you hitthe nail on the head.
It's this really good thing.
It can be really powerful, itcan drive you forward, it can
help you get where you need togo, and sometimes you do sort of
have to pull yourself up by thebootstraps, and that's when
that fierce independence kicksin.
But also there's the dark sideof it that makes it really hard
(18:15):
to reach out for help.
It makes it really hard toreach out for help.
It makes it feel like you'realmost failing if you need help,
because you're so used to doingthings on your own and sort of
figuring it out.
And so I think for me, part ofmy journey has been learning how
to hold the nuance of that tosay I can be really independent.
I can be this fiercelyindependent person who really is
(18:35):
sort of driven internally to dothings and solve problems, and
also I am a human and so I havelimits, and so that means that
sometimes I'm in over my head.
Sometimes I need people with adifferent kind of expertise or
different life experience tostep in and help in some way,
(18:55):
whether that's professional helpof some sort or emotional
support or friends who comealongside you and cheer you on,
whatever it might be.
It doesn't have to be thiseither or you're independent or
you're really needy type thing,which I think is where my brain
likes to go.
It can be you can be fiercelyindependent and also recognize
(19:16):
that you can't do everything,because none of us can do
everything Exactly.
Speaker 1 (19:21):
And so, sorry, I came up with one more question.
You're good, so talk about theimportance of the continuation
of therapy.
Counselors, how are you honest?
How do you?
Who keeps you accountable?
Is that a thing, or is thatjust like?
Speaker 2 (19:42):
what does that look like?
For me, it looks like a lot oftherapy.
I did not did not do therapy inwell.
I went to a therapist for avery brief window of time which
I share about in the book when Iwas a high schooler, but then I
didn't do therapy until my late20s, and going to therapy for
(20:02):
the first time was the bestdecision I have ever made for
myself, and I still go totherapy now.
I think that it is such apowerful tool and it's not
necessarily that you quoteunquote need therapy every week
or every month or however oftenit is that you're going.
But for me it's more abouthaving guardrails in place so
(20:22):
that if things start to go alittle bit off, the rails you
already have.
And circling back to the shamepart of our conversation earlier
when I enabled me to actuallybe honest with the people who
know me the best, so that when Iam struggling I can say that,
or when things are really great,I can say that, and I think
that when we have people whoknow us at our best and at our
(20:45):
worst, we feel less alone, andwhen we feel less alone, we're
less inclined to make decisionsthat maybe we wouldn't otherwise
make.
It provides some accountability, it provides community, it
provides support, and there'sthis reciprocal element to those
relationships that I think isreally important in staying
healthy too.
It's not just what can youoffer me, it's what can I offer
(21:06):
you.
And if everybody's sort ofleaning on each other, as cliche
as it is, that makes everybodybetter.
Speaker 1 (21:13):
Yeah, I agree, therapy is the thing that saved
my life back then.
And I have him on speed dialnow and if I say, hey, todd, I
need to see you, he's like, ok,I'll get you worked in, but not
that there's anything major,it's just to check in and say,
here's where I'm going, here'swhere things are, and just to
(21:40):
continue to put myself intosomeone who is that third party,
kind of to just keep megrounded.
I think everybody should go totherapy if they can.
Right, I agree with that.
I preached that on this show.
People are so tired of hearingme say it.
It's a jury.
Well, I'll echo you.
Speaker 2 (21:58):
Everybody should go to therapy.
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (22:00):
I appreciate that that's a nice plug.
Well, listen, thanks for beingmy friend, Thanks for writing
this book and making me cry inthe public library.
I'm so sorry and I would justlove for you to pitch the book.
Pitch where we can find you.
Speaker 2 (22:17):
Yeah, so the book is called Stories Our Scars Tell.
It comes out September 9th.
It's available for pre-ordernow, everywhere books are sold.
You can find me online atbritneytinsleycom.
You can find more informationabout the book there and also a
link to my sub stack.
I write a weekly sub stack andthen on social media I'm at
(22:37):
Brittany Tinsley writes onInstagram.
That's where I tend to hang outthe most in terms of social
media, so that's where you canfind me.
Speaker 1 (22:43):
I love it, I think.
Thanks so much for being here.
This means the world to me, andlisten people.
I've pre-ordered the book andI've already read at least 75%
of it.
I suggest you go pre-orderright now, because here's the
thing.
There's someone that you know,a neighbor's teenager, I don't
(23:04):
know.
There's someone who couldpossibly be struggling with this
, and I know that this book isgoing to minister to so many
people, so thanks for being heretoday.
I really appreciate it.
Speaker 2 (23:14):
Thank you, thank you for having me.
Speaker 1 (23:23):
Wow.
Okay, if you're anything likeme, you're going to need a
moment to let all of that settlein.
What a powerful conversation.
Brittany, thank you not justfor being here today, but for
the bravery it took to writethis book the Stories Our Scars
Tell Y'all.
This isn't just a memoir.
It's a mirror, a flashlight anda life raft all in one, and I
(23:50):
truly believe it's going to be ahealing companion for so many
who are walking through darkseasons, wondering if they'll
ever see light again.
To everyone listening, maybeyou're not struggling with
self-injury, but maybe someoneyou love is, or maybe you just
need to be reminded that yourinvisible effort matters, that
your fierce independence doesn'thave to mean silent suffering,
(24:12):
that therapy isn't weakness,it's wisdom, and that you, too,
have a comeback story worthtelling.
So here's what I want you to doGo pre-order the Stories Our
Scars Tell.
It drops September 9th and youcan grab it wherever books are
sold.
I've pre-ordered mine on Amazon.
I will get it on September the9th.
(24:34):
Follow Brittany on Instagram atBrittany Tinsley Writes, and
check out her weekly sub stackfor more raw, real encouragement
.
I'll put all those links in theshow notes and if you're
feeling all the things right nowmaybe some shame relief, fear,
hope.
You're not alone.
You never were.
You're not alone.
(24:55):
You never were.
Until next week, keep doing thework, keep showing up and
remember.
Your scars may tell a story,but they do not define the
ending.
I'll see you next time.
Hey, thanks for listening.
I don't take it for grantedthat you're here.
You didn't listen by mistake.
If you want to reach out, youcan DM me on Instagram at Tony
(25:18):
Thrash.
Until next week.
Remember, there's still timeleft on the clock.
Let's get you off the bench tostart your comeback.
I want to give a special shoutout to Country Club for the
original music.
(25:40):
You can find them on Instagramat country club.
So
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