June 11, 2025 • 46 mins
What happens when one partner has a career that demands everything? Whether it's an 80-hour workweek, constant travel, or shift work that throws off your entire family rhythm, demanding careers create unique challenges for relationships.
Brad and Kate tackle this reality head-on, acknowledging the struggles couples face when balancing intense professional demands with maintaining connection. Through their personal experiences and professional coaching work, they offer a refreshing perspective: your marriage doesn't need to look like anyone else's. The standard models simply don't apply when your circumstances aren't standard.
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Episode Transcript
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Brad Aldrich (00:04):
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast.
We are Brad and Kate.
Kate Aldrich (00:10):
In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've
survived both dark times andexperienced restoration.
Brad Aldrich (00:15):
Now as a licensed marriage counselor and
relationship coaches.
We help couples to regain hopeand joy.
Kate Aldrich (00:23):
We invite you to journey with us, as we are still
becoming one.
Brad Aldrich (00:27):
Let's start the conversation.
Hello everyone, Welcome back toStill Becoming One.
Welcome back.
We are glad that you're heretoday.
Kate Aldrich (00:39):
Yes.
Brad Aldrich (00:42):
You always tell me we have to check in.
At the beginning of theseepisodes I say we have to chat,
yes, okay, and not just be like,not just jump right in, dive
right into the subject.
You can tell our personalitydifferences.
Yeah, right, I'm like, come on,let's get on with it.
Kate Aldrich (00:55):
Really, I'm like equating that to other things.
That's not always the case.
Sometimes you like the the slowbuildup.
Brad Aldrich (01:06):
That is true.
Kate Aldrich (01:07):
Okay, but that's not what we're talking about
today.
Yeah, what's been happening inour life?
We finished the graduationseason.
Brad Aldrich (01:15):
Yay, finally.
Kate Aldrich (01:16):
Thank you, Jen Hatmaker, for those wise words.
No.
Brad Aldrich (01:19):
Yes, so we had the other graduation.
We were doing this this summer,had graduation parties and all
the things.
Kate Aldrich (01:28):
It was so fun though it was.
It was so fun to celebrate withour middle daughter and our
oldest son earlier in the monthor earlier in May.
Yeah, so it was good times.
I think it also.
You know, we're just all builtdifferently, and I think, for me
, parties are.
Some people thrive in throwingparties.
(01:49):
I do not.
Brad Aldrich (01:52):
You do just fine, you sell yourself short.
Kate Aldrich (01:56):
Okay.
Okay, there's a differencebetween I can pull it off and
make it done well and feel likethat's a gift, feel like that's
something I thrive in.
You pull it off and you do itreally well and our kids always
feel loved and special To someextent I think that's true, but
I can't tell you how many timesI've had good intentions with
(02:19):
buying like fun decor, and thenI either forget to do it or we
don't do it all.
But anyways, it was a good.
It was a good weekend.
It was so fun to see her it wasexcited, definitely so.
Brad Aldrich (02:32):
Yeah, you know, and that's the thing family
things jump in and take so muchtime, so much energy.
Like both of us, I think,sunday felt pretty darn
exhausted.
Kate Aldrich (02:44):
We did for sure.
Well, and then we follow up,like she has a good core group
of friends.
So then we had to go to one oftheir kiddo, one of theirs
graduation party.
So it just kind of kept going.
But we did sneak in a date,sunday night which was very
needed.
It was nice.
Just the two of us.
Nobody else got to come.
Even though our youngest alwayssays she should really third
(03:07):
wheel with us.
But no we're not having any ofthat on date night.
So, yeah, it was good, andwe're back in the studio or
brad's office thinking aboutwhat we want to talk about.
Brad Aldrich (03:21):
Yep.
So one of the things that wekind of were talking about is
these times when one person endsup having a really heavy or
time oriented job that ends uppulling a lot of weight away
(03:43):
from the couple, away from thefamily, and that could be in
terms of travel, like I'veworked with people who have
these horrendous schedules wherethey I've had a couple of
clients who've worked on likeoil rigs or things like that,
where they're two weeks they'reout at their work and then two
weeks they're home and then twolike kind of back and forth.
Kate Aldrich (04:04):
So you get that kind of weird schedule I thought
people were on oil rigs forlike eight it depends different,
different jobs different thingsright and where.
Brad Aldrich (04:13):
So you have those kind of things, you have that
kind of schedule, you have justreally heavy jobs that require a
lot of time, energy.
I was even thinking like swingshift people Sure, that kind of
never get used to when they'regoing to be awake or asleep,
like that.
And so then as a family, you'vegot this thing of okay, well,
(04:42):
so-and-so is working tonight,which means they're sleeping
during the day, so we have to bequiet tonight, which means
they're sleeping during the day.
So we have to be quiet.
Their job just takes so muchenergy and presence from the
family.
Kate Aldrich (04:52):
Yeah, for sure, and I think that we often get
people asking us either clientsat our events, online talking to
us about but we have theseextenuating circumstances that
make it really hard.
Brad Aldrich (05:08):
Yeah.
Kate Aldrich (05:09):
And I want to honor that because it's true.
Brad Aldrich (05:11):
It is.
Kate Aldrich (05:13):
But it's also like , okay, well, what do we do with
that?
How do we learn that this is us, literally, and how do we make
sure our marriage can still be apriority even with those
extenuating circumstances?
Brad Aldrich (05:28):
Yeah, I think that's one of the things that
the way I often end up hearingit when I'm working with people
is I'm spending my energy, allof my energy, at my work, and so
then I don't have time to doexcess chores or to engage at
(05:49):
home or to like those to watchthe kids to.
You know, give my spouse timeto go off by themselves, like
and almost, I guess, kind ofgoing that has to be okay.
Kate Aldrich (06:04):
Hmm, is it always that their energy is expended?
Sometimes it is just well.
I guess that would equal it.
Brad Aldrich (06:12):
I was trying to think of their situations where
sometimes it is just time, likeI mean a lot of it obviously is
time somebody are equated I'vetalked to somebody not that long
ago who was in in one of thosecareers that kind of early in
his career.
This person happened to be a he, but early in his career it is
(06:32):
expected and anticipated thatyou need to be doing like 75, 80
hour weeks and like that'santicipated.
If you don't do that, he's notgoing to be successful like that
.
That's one of the things theysay that sounds awful it is.
It is awful, but we expect thatof a lot of professions at the
(06:55):
beginning of their professionslike I've heard those things
from lawyers, from doctors, fromlike people who are in this
intense learning environmentsyep, what you have to do is a
couple of years of grindingreally, really hard in order to
get to a certain level kind ofthing, and relationships have
(07:16):
like seem to go on the backburner yeah, I think it.
Kate Aldrich (07:21):
I mean, you know me, I like to go off on tangents
, but can can we talk about whyAmerica does that to people?
Brad Aldrich (07:28):
Oh my gosh, that's an interesting question.
Kate Aldrich (07:31):
It feels wrong.
It feels like I don't know.
Brad Aldrich (07:36):
Oh, I've heard statistics of you know doctors
in their residency because theyare paid for them, but they're
paid, you know, for a 40 hour aweek and they're not paid that
well.
I think they're paid like maybe$80,000 a year or something for
their 40 hour a week, butthey're usually working double
that and so they're reallymaking something like you know
(08:01):
$14 an hour or something whenthey're going through residency
and it's pathetically small,seriously, oh yeah no, if you,
if you if you equate it to howmany hours they're actually
expected to do okay, okay, okay,I gotcha.
Kate Aldrich (08:17):
I'm like, does our 17 year old know that?
Because she thinks she thinksshe should be making as she says
bank at her age.
Brad Aldrich (08:24):
Yeah, forget that, um, but anyways, and I think
those doctors, after they getthrough residency and after they
get a job, like then it doesget better, but they also have
to pay off tremendous loansexactly we could go down this
rabbit hole forever.
Kate Aldrich (08:39):
But and I think you know, there's lots of
circumstances we've heard withthis and you know who you are
military.
Brad Aldrich (08:46):
Yeah, firefighters , I've heard this same kind of
thing.
They do 12 hours on, 12 hoursoff.
Kate Aldrich (08:52):
Attorneys, yep, all kinds of things.
Brad Aldrich (08:55):
Important jobs.
Kate Aldrich (08:57):
And it could be either spouse, it could be both.
This is not gender specific.
Brad Aldrich (09:03):
We've run into this in both spouses, like we've
run into jobs that you knowwomen are going okay, I'm going
back to work and I'm going tohave this job and it's going to
take this and like yeah.
I've I've run into that.
I've had women CEOs that feellike they have to.
You know, have that 60 hour aweek work and you work and then
(09:25):
balancing.
So it isn't gender-specific, itis this expectation.
There is then this challenge ofwhat do you do?
Because I think the personwho's doing all the work feels
like a big part of what they'recontributing to the family is
their paycheck.
And so they're doing all ofthis tremendous amount of labor,
(09:48):
either for a current or futurepaycheck kind of thing right.
Like so I'm going to get throughthis and I'll get residency or
partner or whatever.
Yeah, or they're already doingthe thing they're already doing
the thing, and this is what ittakes you know, I have to do
this shift.
I have to do, you know, Ithought you were gonna say
something else.
Kate Aldrich (10:08):
Sorry, and it's not always like some people meet
their spouses when they'realready actively doing something
.
So it's not always like they'rein the stages of improvement not
that they're.
You know what I mean, moving upall those kinds of things, and
I I think I think we hear you,we see you in.
This doesn't feel like a familywith someone who has a nine to
(10:31):
five job who can, for the mostpart, leave that job emotionally
when they come home Although Ifeel like that's a that's a
really rare thing these days.
Um, but we see you, we hear you.
It's hard and I think you knowthe biggest thing that Brad and
I can say is your marriagedoesn't have to look like anyone
(10:53):
else's marriage.
Brad Aldrich (10:54):
Yes, I do think that's like we have to break the
mold, yeah, right yeah.
Like you're never going to fitinto the perfect mold.
That I think is kind of thisideal that's out there and and
all of that.
Kate Aldrich (11:07):
Well, let's be honest, maybe we should smash
the mold.
Does that come from ChrisChristian?
Brad Aldrich (11:13):
Like, let's just, yeah, I think a lot of that is
coming from a 1950s mentality ofhe works, she does, she stay at
home, does all the child careand home care and he maybe, you
know, takes care of the grassand shovels the driveway, like
(11:36):
that, and you know that kind ofin the cars, right, those are
his domain and but yet reallyrunning the home is the wife's
domain and I think most many ofour you know the United States
anyway have moved away from thatas understanding that reality,
(12:00):
that as a reality in 2025.
But I do see in Christiancircles that that is still this
desired state.
Kate Aldrich (12:13):
Hmm, I was trying to think do you think it's
desired or is impressed uponpeople?
Brad Aldrich (12:20):
Both potentially, like I've seen it, and this
dramatically shifts things right.
And I do want to say this Iknow and we've talked to some
women who absolutely adorestaying home.
They're thrilled that they canstay home and be stay-at-home
(12:40):
moms and this is what they wantto do and they are really
excited for that opportunity andI think that's fantastic.
Yeah, of course, right, I wantto support that.
If that is what a woman trulywants to do, great.
However, I've also seen a lotof times where once kids are
around, or once, especially, twokids are around, they look at
(13:03):
the costs of childcare and theygo well this is silly.
You're basically going to beworking in order to pay for
childcare.
Why are we doing this?
So then one person ends upstaying home often her, and
she's not even sure she reallywants to or there's a sense of
(13:24):
loss.
Certainly because of that.
Kate Aldrich (13:27):
I mean, I think I was going to speak to that.
Yes, some women absolutely justare in their zone.
That's what they've alwayswanted to do, um, but there are
a large group of women.
Not that it's about you're inone category and you're not in
the other.
It's really fine to be ineither.
(13:49):
But I think it's good to givevoice to the group of women who
were super excited to stay homewith their children but feel a
deep sense of loss to the thingsthey felt called for, called to
before and I know I'm usingChristianese language there, but
doesn't need to be necessarilyright Like you had a career as
(14:10):
this and then you had kiddos andI can certainly say I was in
that category.
I loved the opportunity to stayhome with our kids for as long
as I could, but I also wrestledwith feeling like this is hard,
like I had a different purposebefore.
(14:33):
Yes, they're part of my purposenow, however, like it was just
such a I don't know, such a tugof war inside of me.
It wasn't.
It wasn't that I didn't want tobe home with my kids, it wasn't
that I necessarily wanted tostay working.
It's just.
It's different.
It is a grief process, becausemost of us don't go back to that
(14:55):
after our kids launch.
Brad Aldrich (14:57):
Right, and can I just say I hope that I've grown
quite a bit since our kids wereyoung.
Kate Aldrich (15:05):
I hope not.
You were 6'3" man, when wouldyou be?
Brad Aldrich (15:09):
Well, I've grown in other directions too, but I
hope that I've grownmaturity-wise.
But I will tell you, when ourkids were young, I didn't once
think about going well, I couldbe a stay-at-home dad, like that
.
That was not something.
(15:29):
That even like it just wasn'teven something I wanted to do.
It wasn't something I wasthinking about doing, like it
wasn't an option.
And and so we never.
I don't think we ever talkedlike that, of like well, one of
the options is you could workand I could stay at home.
Kate Aldrich (15:48):
I did work while you went to school.
Brad Aldrich (15:50):
You did.
Kate Aldrich (15:51):
But yeah, without children.
I mean, come on, yes, andthat's totally okay and we have
really good friends from ourfirst church right after I was
out of school that I was theyouth pastor that did that and I
have no problem with that.
Brad Aldrich (16:05):
No, I think I know several guys who do, but I'm
just saying that that wasn't onour radar either.
I agree, but I'm kind of evenmore going off of what you were
just saying of, like man.
It was this hard emotionalshift and I want to say like I
don't think I even realized thatbecause I never even conceived
(16:26):
of, huh, I could make my career,our kids so you're saying
because you you never sort ofput yourself as best you could
in my shoes?
you kind of just thought I kindof missed the fact that it was a
, that it was a tug of warinside of me, right yeah.
Kate Aldrich (16:46):
No I get that.
Brad Aldrich (16:46):
I think that is something that needs to be
acknowledged.
And yeah, I think we need to betalking about that, because I
end up when I do story workgroups with men and things like
that, I often will talk aboutfinding our identity and our
purpose and one of the things Italk about often because when I
(17:11):
just kind of open thatconversation, every group that
I've ever done starts talkingabout their career, and that's
great.
I do believe that career ispart of our purpose, is part of
my purpose, mm-hmm, but I alwaystry to remind men there is more
(17:33):
to your purpose than whathappens that you get paid for.
Yeah.
Right and we need to look forthose opportunities to find
purpose and fulfillment and joyin other places, Like that is
the point.
I think most men haven't reallyfought for that and thought
(17:54):
about that and I think mostChristian men have this bias
that says, well, their wife isgetting their purpose from their
kids and I think that's anunfortunate bias and I think,
unfortunately the whole purposething is unfortunately very
(18:19):
singular in the Christiancommunity.
Kate Aldrich (18:21):
Like we make it very singular, I don't have just
one purpose in life.
The Lord has many purposes forme, and that can even be when
I'm raising my children andstaying at home.
But you know, I thinkencouraging a spouse who is
staying home with kids like whatare the other purposes you have
(18:41):
in your life and how can I makeroom for them, is important as
well.
But all of this being said, andbringing it back to our
original topic, I just thinkit's important that we give that
voice, that women can actuallyhave a space to say like this is
(19:03):
just so different.
Brad Aldrich (19:05):
Right.
Kate Aldrich (19:05):
I want to do it, but I also mourn and grieve the
fact that I don't get to do thatanymore.
Yeah, at least that anymore.
Yeah, at least full time.
Yeah, at least full time or anyof that In a way that yeah.
So I just think that's animportant.
I just see that women need thatspace to be able to say that
Some women may not feel that wayat all and that's also fine,
(19:27):
but for those who feel like ithusbands, spouses, wives know
that you can carry both.
Brad Aldrich (19:36):
Correct and I think here's okay, so we're
going back to the topic.
That means one of the thingsthat we have to recognize is we
have more purposes than our job,and so if we get wrapped up
into my purpose is only my job,then we are missing the fact
(19:57):
that we got married, the factthat we decided to have kids,
the fact that we did have otherthings that were part of our
purpose, right, if you wanted toremain single and not have a
family and you wanted to haveyour whole purpose be your job,
fine, fine.
Kate Aldrich (20:17):
You kind of got to stay and do that.
Brad Aldrich (20:18):
That's right.
But if you choose like, oh, Iwant to have these other
important relationships in mylife, then we don't get to
expect them to kowtow to well.
That my purpose right now is.
I work 80 hours a week, sothat's all I get to do.
You just have to be nice to me.
Kate Aldrich (20:37):
I don't think anybody quite says that.
Of course they don't.
I hope not.
Brad Aldrich (20:40):
Of course they don't, but I think that's what
comes across.
Is that attitude?
Kate Aldrich (20:45):
And I do think in these circumstances, we need to
honor, if you or your spouse hasa job that is requiring that
much of you, whether it's hours,whether it's, you know,
commitment to being away,however it looks and works, the
(21:06):
reality is your spouse is makinga commitment too and and I
think we need to acknowledgethat and give it voice.
You know, hey, if, if you'realready in the job, you're
marrying me, so you dounderstand, like, having these
conversations, you do understandwhat this is going to look like
.
And then also, if kids come inlater, having those
(21:28):
conversations, right Cause it'sreadjusting, because that's
totally different than twopeople who are, you know, it's
just the two of them figuring itout.
I was thinking about and sharedwith Brad just recently that,
like, this is not a politicalstatement, so don't hear it as
such, but I think this is reallyprofound.
(21:49):
You know, former PresidentBarack Obama shared that when he
left the presidency in theWhite House and I honor I could
never be president, justcouldn't.
I couldn't have Brad bepresident either.
(22:17):
But, like he acknowledged, likeleaving that position, I had a
lot of work to do because therewas just no way I could have
nurtured our relationship asmuch as I wanted to while I was
in office.
And of course, there's only onepresident in the United States,
so no one else is having thatgoing on.
(22:40):
But there can be all kinds ofjobs that require something
that's very similar, and whenyou do that and I'm sure
Michelle Obama knew this likeyou're signing up for something
as well, correct, and as thespouse, we need to recognize
that, and as the spouse who'sdoing the job, you need to
recognize that.
And then how do we figure itout so that our marriage doesn't
(23:05):
end up in ruin?
Brad Aldrich (23:07):
I think that is critical, that you're at least
having that conversation andhopefully regularly having this
conversation.
Kate Aldrich (23:15):
I think you would have to Right.
Because you might find a rhythm, and then who knows what
happens.
Brad Aldrich (23:21):
And I mean we often do say we think it's
important that couples you know,once or twice a year kind of,
sit down down and have the stateof the marriage conversation.
How are we doing?
Kate Aldrich (23:36):
That's not just because we talked about a
president.
Brad Aldrich (23:38):
No.
Kate Aldrich (23:40):
State of the union .
You could just call it thestate of the union.
Brad Aldrich (23:42):
Exactly, but having that conversation that
starts to say really, how are wedoing?
What are our plans for thisyear?
What are your dreams for thisyear?
What are your dreams for thisyear?
What needs to grow?
I think that kind ofconversation is essential when
we're in a place where you knowa job like this is pulling us
(24:06):
away so much, Because you knowwe talk over and over and over
again on the podcast about howimportant communication is, how
important time is.
You know how date nights areimportant.
You know those things getpulled away when we're talking
this kind of job and I think youhave to be on the same page and
(24:28):
in a little way this is not agreat analogy.
But if you don't, you know, ifyou only get like three hours of
sleep a night for severalnights the next night that
sounds awful.
I know it does.
It's horrible.
But if that happens the nextnight you go to bed, your body
automatically jumps to REM sleepmuch faster.
(24:48):
It doesn't wait for the wholecycle, so it gets to that
restorative sleep quicker.
If you are at a detriment, Ifyou deprive yourself.
If you deprive yourself.
No.
Kate Aldrich (24:57):
I don't think this happened when my kids were
little.
I'm just saying.
Brad Aldrich (25:00):
It did.
It's just we didn't still getenough.
I don't think so, but I thinkso.
I think there's some of thatthat would need to happen in
your relationship.
So we don't have much time, sowe have to get to the
restorative connected faster,more intentional.
So it's, we're going to, we'renot going to sit and watch TV
(25:21):
and just relax and hang outtogether, we're going to, you
know, grab a glass of wine andsit across from each other and
really talk you know that you'redoing more intentional.
Kate Aldrich (25:30):
The wine will be counterproductive, it's true.
Brad Aldrich (25:34):
fall asleep, at least for brad and I, but I
think like doing things that arevery, very intentional in
connecting with a limited timewhich is probably difficult,
because people are already at adeficit with that thing you
called tiredness and sleepcorrect and so it probably is
something you want to go to tojust chill and watch a show, and
(25:56):
I get that and there is thatplace for that.
Kate Aldrich (25:58):
I'm not saying every time you have 20 minutes
you need to stare in eachother's eyes deeply and talk but
if you're never doing that,right and you're only ever going
to the.
I'm'm going to bed or we'regoing to watch a show, or these
things are not, or can we havesex now?
Oh, okay.
Right that actually takes quitea bit of energy.
Brad Aldrich (26:18):
I know it does, but that becomes especially when
it's guys who then want.
Kate Aldrich (26:23):
Or girls, it just depends.
Brad Aldrich (26:25):
But when it's guys who are working a lot that is
one of the things we hear thatthey make that time a priority,
but nothing else gotcha well,yes, um, it's.
Kate Aldrich (26:39):
Yeah, the connection is important, like
continuing to grow and keep thatconnection intentional and
alive, right and and I thinkbrad and I give a lot of
recommendations of tools anddifferent things, different
amounts, but this really is whywe end up meeting with a lot of
these couples is because itreally is thinking outside the
(27:03):
box okay, what right?
and being intentional.
You don't have to beintentional every time.
You have 20 minutes together,but you could do that three or
four times out of the week.
That would be incredible right.
And, like I said, brad and Ihave tried to, and you all, if
(27:24):
you've listened to us for anylength of time, know that we did
not always do this well, but weare super intentional.
So you know, we started thisweek like, if we look at this
time last week, we started at adeficit.
Not to imagine our well, justbecause the month has been crazy
, but also what was coming up,our normal work days.
(27:47):
And we looked to Sunday andwe're like, okay, we have to do
that grad party.
We love doing it.
She's like another daughter tous.
But then we were like we'regoing to go do something the two
of us, right, right, andhonestly, in some ways I think
we could both be honest we wereboth so exhausted we would have
probably skipped it.
Could have easily just been likeokay, let's just do nothing.
(28:09):
Yes, right, and you can do thattoo with the uniqueness of your
job.
I want to honor it.
Brad Aldrich (28:15):
Yes.
Kate Aldrich (28:17):
But I also want to say a little bit like don't
sell yourselves short.
Also, don't make excuses foryourself.
Be intentional.
Brad Aldrich (28:25):
Yeah, and figure it out Right, and I think that
is an okay ask for even theperson, the family members who
are going along with this.
You know, whatever the job is,whatever, Family members?
Kate Aldrich (28:42):
You mean the spouse of the person?
Brad Aldrich (28:44):
Yeah, the spouse of the person who is, you know,
at home or working too.
Family members in there.
Well, I see what you're saying,yep, but to say hey, yes, I am
okay with that.
You're doing a super important,really really hard job, but we
also are married, we also havekids or we also have this right.
(29:05):
That is important to us.
So how do I take care of you?
Because you're going to comehome exhausted from X job, but
not like mean that we don't getany space and time either, right
, Like so.
I think that's the importantconversation is to keep keep
(29:27):
going in, trying to push through.
How do we do both and it?
What normally happens is it's afight of you never do this and
well, you don't acknowledge allthat I am doing.
And it's this back and forthargument of each other taking
all of the things that they'reupset about out each at each
(29:48):
other.
I think it the conversationneeds to start by saying I know
how hard you're working for us.
I know that this is really hardon you.
I know you'd probably love tobe home more, but you're not.
And I love what you're doingright, and I see what weight it
(30:10):
comes at you doing right and Isee what weight it comes at you.
You know this is reality.
Kate Aldrich (30:18):
So one, I want to know how to help you, but I also
want us to know how we're goingto keep working on things and I
think, for the opposite spouselike I know how hard you are
working at supporting yes, meyes and, uh, being accommodating
of what I, the time I need,what I, what is required of me,
whether you're raising kids ornot, like putting that in there,
(30:40):
like I realize how much timeyou spend with the kiddos versus
me, you know it is reallyimportant for us to, number one,
be on the same team, right?
Look at the problem together,face it together, instead of
each other becoming the problem.
The problem really is we allhave only a certain amount of
(31:00):
time, but you two, as a couple,probably have even less.
So that's the problem, not thetwo of you.
And then how do we havecompassion for each other's
perspective?
It doesn't matter if one getsto stay home more than the other
yes remember, like if someoneis staying home there's a weight
(31:23):
therethere is an emotional lack of
sacrifice, there's a lack ofyeah, there's.
I mean that I homemakers.
If you are just home doing that, I know I probably shouldn't
say just like, that is stillhard, sure For sure.
I do think that's a little bitdifferent to talk about.
(31:45):
If you are keeping the home andall of that but don't
necessarily have otherresponsibilities, I do think it
is different.
It's just different to talkabout it.
It doesn't mean one's worsethan the other, but like
honoring what it's like for eachone of you and being able to
hold that in a kind way.
Brad Aldrich (32:06):
And how you balance it and what you can do
and what you can't do in some ofthis.
It and what you can do and whatyou can't do in some of this.
And I think it is one of thosethings in a conversation that
needs to happen regularly.
Like there are expectationsthat we put on each other based
on our assumption of time, andthen, you know, things change
(32:30):
and we don't necessarily go backand have that conversation on
time again, and I think it isone of those things that we need
to be regularly doing of likeokay, so I'm going to be doing
this.
You know these are yourresponsibilities versus mine.
Like that needs to berenegotiated.
(32:52):
Like this is not 1950 anymore.
These are your responsibilitiesversus mine.
That needs to be renegotiated.
This is not 1950 anymore.
We don't get to sit here andjust have expectations on.
This is what hisresponsibilities are.
This is what hers are.
I think most homes in Americanow are two-income homes, are
two-income homes and yet laststatistics I saw still even in
(33:16):
two-income homes, the wife isdoing 80% of the housework.
Kate Aldrich (33:23):
Mm-hmm, we should work on that.
We should make sure for ourfamily.
We're beating that statistic.
Brad Aldrich (33:30):
And you say that, but I've been asking you for the
last three months.
Kate Aldrich (33:34):
Oh, here we go guys.
Brad Aldrich (33:35):
But I've been asking you the last couple of
months because up until I wouldsay like three months ago, we
were pretty intentional ofkeeping your time with Aldrich
Ministries about halftimebecause you were doing a lot of
all of the rest of that stuff.
Kate Aldrich (33:54):
I would say it's been longer than that, probably
six months, but okay.
Brad Aldrich (33:57):
And yeah, over the last three to six months your
halftime has certainly grown toat least three-quarter time.
And sometimes full-time, andsometimes full-time, and I keep
asking you okay, wait a minute,you're doing full-time, what's
going to give?
What should I be doing more nowin trying to figure out how to
(34:18):
balance that?
Kate Aldrich (34:19):
I've been trying to be intentional about that,
but we haven't directly said thelast six months have been crazy
, so I don't know that I'veheard the conversation that way.
That's an interesting,interesting thing to for us to
throw around there, sir, but I,I, yeah, I don't, I don't know.
Do you feel like other than Iknow, like I don't?
(34:42):
Know there's a deficit, yetthat I feel sometimes I'm not
getting the laundry done asquick as I normally did, or
things like that.
But I don't, I don't know, Ihaven't.
Brad Aldrich (34:52):
Also, we're now entering summer, which summer
it's totally changes, but youknow what then this may lead us
into.
This is one of the topics thatwe talked about potentially
doing a podcast on that.
I recognize that there is amental load that you carry about
family things that I'm verywilling to do the task load but
(35:18):
not necessarily you still do alot of the mental load.
So, for instance, right, it'snighttime.
Kate Aldrich (35:25):
I know what do you mean.
Yes, it's not morning here,guys, we're doing a nighttime
podcast.
Brad Aldrich (35:29):
I'm super happy.
I enjoy cooking.
Oh it's the cooking.
Well, that's just an example.
I don't necessarily usuallyplan that you end up doing most
of the shopping, but that youend up doing most of the
shopping, and so a lot of timeswhat happens is I'll look at our
(35:52):
schedule, I'll look at myschedule and go.
I'm happy to cook tonight.
Did you have any thoughts?
Which means you are still doingthe mental load of what's in
the house.
What should we cook?
Kate Aldrich (36:03):
that kind of stuff which I recognize and I may be
doing the task, but you're stilldoing the load.
This is where the the internetneeds to be able to see my
facial expressions.
Brad Aldrich (36:13):
Yeah, did you see my role?
Kate Aldrich (36:15):
My eye.
Brad Aldrich (36:16):
Cause you you actually do often talk about
like that place of I don't wantto have that mental load kind of
thing?
Kate Aldrich (36:23):
It's not.
Yes, I would like not to, but Ialso don't always think about
it the way I should.
Our 18-year-old always textswhat's for dinner.
My response what makes youthink I know what's for dinner?
Brad Aldrich (36:37):
Well, but then sometimes it does work, Like
yesterday you literally wereputting in an order for
groceries.
Kate Aldrich (36:45):
Yep guys, I do Instacart.
I am not ashamed.
Brad Aldrich (36:48):
Yep Instacart can sponsor us.
Kate Aldrich (36:50):
We'd be happy to oh yes, absolutely instacart, I
love you how, and that hashelped you have changed my life
timing and marriage.
Brad Aldrich (36:58):
So, um, there you go.
There's a little advertisingplug there.
But um, you were doing that andI kind of said, okay, I, I'm
home tomorrow, let me cook.
And you're like great, here'sthe order.
And so then I did go throughand go okay, here's something I
can cook and planned it like.
I will say, I do that sometimesbut horrible at that.
(37:19):
I'll just confess it but I thinkfor many things, even outside
of cooking, like the party, likethose kind things, you keep the
mental to-do list of what needsdone and I'm willing to do the
tasks and I recognize doing thetasks as part of it.
But mental load is a big dealand I do, I'm aware of this, I
(37:40):
think, a lot of times, even intimes where there's shared tasks
there, not shared mental load,and that does have a consequence
yeah, I think that definitelywhen the kids were younger I
definitely felt that I don'tfeel it as much anymore.
Kate Aldrich (37:57):
But I get, I do believe that's true for many of
the stay-at-home spouses thatthey feel that mental yeah
family load as well aspotentially whatever else
they're doing, because a lot ofstay-at-home spouses have
something they're doing on theside to make a little extra
money or whatever.
So I mean I don't.
(38:18):
I guess there are a few years Iwas truly stay-at-home, but
I've always also kind of hadright my photography business.
Brad Aldrich (38:24):
Like it, it wasn't for very long but I even think
through, like your photographybusiness, like when you went
into a season of doingphotography because you were
always kind of primarilyseasonal, it would be like
around mother's day and aroundfall you would do a ton, and
then fall, but yeah we wouldkind of like shift some of the
(38:48):
responsibilities and timing andhave those conversations.
Kate Aldrich (38:51):
Yeah.
Brad Aldrich (38:52):
Which is kind of what we're talking about in when
things shift.
But I'll also say you know,obviously conversation is really
important and maybe it'sanother topic and certainly let
us know if you want to hear moreabout this idea of who's
carrying the mental load in yourfamily.
That might be a topic for thefuture, but I think it's
(39:13):
something we don't realize,because there is two sides of
mental load.
Right, like I recognize, I'lljust using us.
You absolutely carry the mentalload on the things that need
done for our kids, their events,their schedule.
You carry the mental load for alot of the household chores in
(39:38):
general right, Like even ifyou're not doing them, you are
absolutely carrying the load ofwhat needs done right yeah 100%.
On the other side, I would say Icarry the mental load on things
like finances or our carinsurance that we just re-upped
for way too much money or like,absolutely like those kind of
(39:58):
things that I think you areoften surprised how much I'm
carrying that mental load,because I'll mention something
and you're like oh man, I didn'teven realize.
You know that I don't alwaysknow the timing.
I do know you're carrying themental.
Yeah, yeah man, I didn't evenrealize, you know that I don't
always know the timing I do knowyou're carrying the mental,
yeah, yeah but I don't think youalways realize, like how much
I'm thinking about it is.
Oh, is that's kind of what Imean by that.
(40:19):
So I think both spouses end upcarrying pieces of their mental
load, whatever that that is, andit does have a weight on each
other yeah.
Kate Aldrich (40:30):
So, and I think that's important to know, even
in these high pressure, highdemand jobs, that that still is
happening for the other spouseand for the one who's doing it
all.
And you know, just bringingthis up, I think we felt a need
to like give this a voice,because these couples are out
(40:52):
there right.
It can also you know we wereeven talking like it can be if
you have a kiddo with hugemental or physical needs that
they require a ton of your time.
And we have done podcasts onthat, specifically because we
live that as a family different,specifically because we live
that as a family different.
But the mental capacity iswhere we, some of our kiddos,
(41:14):
struggle and so just knowing wesee you, it is different and I
want to acknowledge that right.
When we act like it's not, thatdoesn't help.
When people say, oh yeah, youknow.
When somebody says, you know, Iknow for us what's been a
challenge and I will justchallenge people out there.
(41:35):
You know.
When we share with you whattruly, uh truly, our home
environment is like at times,that means you're in our inner
circle, because it also isimportant to honor our children.
But it is difficult and I won'tget into all of that.
(41:55):
But when people will say thingsto me like, oh yeah, when my
teenager went through a phase,that's hard because we're not
talking about teenage phaseshere, well, actually we are, but
we're talking about teenagephases on top of tons of trauma
and it's just not the same.
And so what I'm saying throughthat is we want to honor.
This is different.
You are facing more things.
(42:17):
Your spouse has signed up forthings that a lot of other
spouses have never had to signup, for we're hearing you.
We're also saying don't let itbe an excuse that your marriage
can't be really connected andreally good.
Brad Aldrich (42:31):
Yeah, and that you guys go through it together.
Kate Aldrich (42:34):
Just remember and know that.
You know some people don't getit and it's okay that those
people don't feel safe to talkto about it, but it's also not
an excuse to stay in the placeof like we don't know what to do
.
We don't you know it's anopportunity for good things
(42:57):
Right.
Brad Aldrich (42:58):
And I will, you know, plug in there.
We end up talking to a lot ofthese couples because it's they
don't fit the cookie cutter.
You know we can't, we're notgoing to do it like all the
books say.
So we need to figure out howwe're going to make it through
either this season or this jobor this whatever, because we
want to and we're passionateabout that.
(43:18):
But we need to support eachother.
So I do plug.
Hey, you know, maybe thinkabout getting some coaching and
using that as a space to workout some of the details.
Kate Aldrich (43:33):
Yeah, I mean, I think first honestly not to talk
us down, because I thinkmeeting with one of our coaches
would be phenomenal, but havethe conversation first
yourselves and see where you canfigure it out, and if you're
able to figure it out on yourown, go for it Absolutely.
But sometimes we've dugourselves a little bit deeper
and it feels you're able tofigure it out on your own, go
for it.
But sometimes we've dugourselves a little bit deeper
and it feels a lot harder tofigure that out.
(43:53):
And that's when I think coachescan be super helpful, because
they should honor where you are,honor that it's hard, but also
say, okay, we don't want youguys to stay here.
Brad Aldrich (44:02):
Right and stuck yeah Right.
Well, I hope that was helpful.
We kind of meandered around acouple of different things, but
it's okay.
It's a good thing.
So, yeah, I hope that washelpful to you as you continue
your journey.
Kate Aldrich (44:18):
For sure.
I was just going to say youprobably don't want to pause for
me, but when you said we're notin the 1950s anymore, I want to
say, honey, do you realizewe're actually closer to the
2050s than we are to 1950s.
Oh, we're much much yes.
Okay.
I just wanted to make sure youwere on that ship.
I know that.
Brad Aldrich (44:36):
Right, but I think a lot of Christian families
still live in 1950s, so I thinkwe do have to challenge some of
that.
Kate Aldrich (44:43):
It's so funny because if you look at you and I
, we never lived in the 1950s.
Brad Aldrich (44:52):
We may sound old, but we're not that old.
Kate Aldrich (44:53):
But I think there is some values, but our parents
did.
Brad Aldrich (44:55):
There's some values of the 50s that have been
perpetrated through evangelicalChristianity that are not
necessarily biblical in any way.
Oh of course, that are part ofthat culture, so that's where
it's coming from.
But, yeah, I hope that washelpful to all of you and we're
(45:16):
going to continue on thisjourney of Still Becoming One,
and we hope that you join usUntil next time.
I'm Brad Aldrich.
Kate Aldrich (45:23):
And I'm Kate Aldrich.
Be kind and take care of eachother.
Brad Aldrich (45:28):
Still Becoming One is a production of Aldrich
Ministries.
For more information about Bradand Kate's coaching ministry
courses and speakingopportunities, you can find us
at aldrichministriescom Forpodcast show notes and links to
resources in all of our socialmedia.
Be sure to visit us atstillbecomingonecom and don't
(45:50):
forget to like this episodewherever you get your podcasts.
Thank you.
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast.
We are Brad and Kate.
Kate Aldrich (00:10):
In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've
survived both dark times andexperienced restoration.
Brad Aldrich (00:15):
Now as a licensed marriage counselor and
relationship coaches.
We help couples to regain hopeand joy.
Kate Aldrich (00:23):
We invite you to journey with us, as we are still
becoming one.
Brad Aldrich (00:27):
Let's start the conversation.
Hello everyone, Welcome back toStill Becoming One.
Welcome back.
We are glad that you're heretoday.
Kate Aldrich (00:39):
Yes.
Brad Aldrich (00:42):
You always tell me we have to check in.
At the beginning of theseepisodes I say we have to chat,
yes, okay, and not just be like,not just jump right in, dive
right into the subject.
You can tell our personalitydifferences.
Yeah, right, I'm like, come on,let's get on with it.
Kate Aldrich (00:55):
Really, I'm like equating that to other things.
That's not always the case.
Sometimes you like the the slowbuildup.
Brad Aldrich (01:06):
That is true.
Kate Aldrich (01:07):
Okay, but that's not what we're talking about
today.
Yeah, what's been happening inour life?
We finished the graduationseason.
Brad Aldrich (01:15):
Yay, finally.
Kate Aldrich (01:16):
Thank you, Jen Hatmaker, for those wise words.
No.
Brad Aldrich (01:19):
Yes, so we had the other graduation.
We were doing this this summer,had graduation parties and all
the things.
Kate Aldrich (01:28):
It was so fun though it was.
It was so fun to celebrate withour middle daughter and our
oldest son earlier in the monthor earlier in May.
Yeah, so it was good times.
I think it also.
You know, we're just all builtdifferently, and I think, for me
, parties are.
Some people thrive in throwingparties.
(01:49):
I do not.
Brad Aldrich (01:52):
You do just fine, you sell yourself short.
Kate Aldrich (01:56):
Okay.
Okay, there's a differencebetween I can pull it off and
make it done well and feel likethat's a gift, feel like that's
something I thrive in.
You pull it off and you do itreally well and our kids always
feel loved and special To someextent I think that's true, but
I can't tell you how many timesI've had good intentions with
(02:19):
buying like fun decor, and thenI either forget to do it or we
don't do it all.
But anyways, it was a good.
It was a good weekend.
It was so fun to see her it wasexcited, definitely so.
Brad Aldrich (02:32):
Yeah, you know, and that's the thing family
things jump in and take so muchtime, so much energy.
Like both of us, I think,sunday felt pretty darn
exhausted.
Kate Aldrich (02:44):
We did for sure.
Well, and then we follow up,like she has a good core group
of friends.
So then we had to go to one oftheir kiddo, one of theirs
graduation party.
So it just kind of kept going.
But we did sneak in a date,sunday night which was very
needed.
It was nice.
Just the two of us.
Nobody else got to come.
Even though our youngest alwayssays she should really third
(03:07):
wheel with us.
But no we're not having any ofthat on date night.
So, yeah, it was good, andwe're back in the studio or
brad's office thinking aboutwhat we want to talk about.
Brad Aldrich (03:21):
Yep.
So one of the things that wekind of were talking about is
these times when one person endsup having a really heavy or
time oriented job that ends uppulling a lot of weight away
(03:43):
from the couple, away from thefamily, and that could be in
terms of travel, like I'veworked with people who have
these horrendous schedules wherethey I've had a couple of
clients who've worked on likeoil rigs or things like that,
where they're two weeks they'reout at their work and then two
weeks they're home and then twolike kind of back and forth.
Kate Aldrich (04:04):
So you get that kind of weird schedule I thought
people were on oil rigs forlike eight it depends different,
different jobs different thingsright and where.
Brad Aldrich (04:13):
So you have those kind of things, you have that
kind of schedule, you have justreally heavy jobs that require a
lot of time, energy.
I was even thinking like swingshift people Sure, that kind of
never get used to when they'regoing to be awake or asleep,
like that.
And so then as a family, you'vegot this thing of okay, well,
(04:42):
so-and-so is working tonight,which means they're sleeping
during the day, so we have to bequiet tonight, which means
they're sleeping during the day.
So we have to be quiet.
Their job just takes so muchenergy and presence from the
family.
Kate Aldrich (04:52):
Yeah, for sure, and I think that we often get
people asking us either clientsat our events, online talking to
us about but we have theseextenuating circumstances that
make it really hard.
Brad Aldrich (05:08):
Yeah.
Kate Aldrich (05:09):
And I want to honor that because it's true.
Brad Aldrich (05:11):
It is.
Kate Aldrich (05:13):
But it's also like , okay, well, what do we do with
that?
How do we learn that this is us, literally, and how do we make
sure our marriage can still be apriority even with those
extenuating circumstances?
Brad Aldrich (05:28):
Yeah, I think that's one of the things that
the way I often end up hearingit when I'm working with people
is I'm spending my energy, allof my energy, at my work, and so
then I don't have time to doexcess chores or to engage at
(05:49):
home or to like those to watchthe kids to.
You know, give my spouse timeto go off by themselves, like
and almost, I guess, kind ofgoing that has to be okay.
Kate Aldrich (06:04):
Hmm, is it always that their energy is expended?
Sometimes it is just well.
I guess that would equal it.
Brad Aldrich (06:12):
I was trying to think of their situations where
sometimes it is just time, likeI mean a lot of it obviously is
time somebody are equated I'vetalked to somebody not that long
ago who was in in one of thosecareers that kind of early in
his career.
This person happened to be a he, but early in his career it is
(06:32):
expected and anticipated thatyou need to be doing like 75, 80
hour weeks and like that'santicipated.
If you don't do that, he's notgoing to be successful like that
.
That's one of the things theysay that sounds awful it is.
It is awful, but we expect thatof a lot of professions at the
(06:55):
beginning of their professionslike I've heard those things
from lawyers, from doctors, fromlike people who are in this
intense learning environmentsyep, what you have to do is a
couple of years of grindingreally, really hard in order to
get to a certain level kind ofthing, and relationships have
(07:16):
like seem to go on the backburner yeah, I think it.
Kate Aldrich (07:21):
I mean, you know me, I like to go off on tangents
, but can can we talk about whyAmerica does that to people?
Brad Aldrich (07:28):
Oh my gosh, that's an interesting question.
Kate Aldrich (07:31):
It feels wrong.
It feels like I don't know.
Brad Aldrich (07:36):
Oh, I've heard statistics of you know doctors
in their residency because theyare paid for them, but they're
paid, you know, for a 40 hour aweek and they're not paid that
well.
I think they're paid like maybe$80,000 a year or something for
their 40 hour a week, butthey're usually working double
that and so they're reallymaking something like you know
(08:01):
$14 an hour or something whenthey're going through residency
and it's pathetically small,seriously, oh yeah no, if you,
if you if you equate it to howmany hours they're actually
expected to do okay, okay, okay,I gotcha.
Kate Aldrich (08:17):
I'm like, does our 17 year old know that?
Because she thinks she thinksshe should be making as she says
bank at her age.
Brad Aldrich (08:24):
Yeah, forget that, um, but anyways, and I think
those doctors, after they getthrough residency and after they
get a job, like then it doesget better, but they also have
to pay off tremendous loansexactly we could go down this
rabbit hole forever.
Kate Aldrich (08:39):
But and I think you know, there's lots of
circumstances we've heard withthis and you know who you are
military.
Brad Aldrich (08:46):
Yeah, firefighters , I've heard this same kind of
thing.
They do 12 hours on, 12 hoursoff.
Kate Aldrich (08:52):
Attorneys, yep, all kinds of things.
Brad Aldrich (08:55):
Important jobs.
Kate Aldrich (08:57):
And it could be either spouse, it could be both.
This is not gender specific.
Brad Aldrich (09:03):
We've run into this in both spouses, like we've
run into jobs that you knowwomen are going okay, I'm going
back to work and I'm going tohave this job and it's going to
take this and like yeah.
I've I've run into that.
I've had women CEOs that feellike they have to.
You know, have that 60 hour aweek work and you work and then
(09:25):
balancing.
So it isn't gender-specific, itis this expectation.
There is then this challenge ofwhat do you do?
Because I think the personwho's doing all the work feels
like a big part of what they'recontributing to the family is
their paycheck.
And so they're doing all ofthis tremendous amount of labor,
(09:48):
either for a current or futurepaycheck kind of thing right.
Like so I'm going to get throughthis and I'll get residency or
partner or whatever.
Yeah, or they're already doingthe thing they're already doing
the thing, and this is what ittakes you know, I have to do
this shift.
I have to do, you know, Ithought you were gonna say
something else.
Kate Aldrich (10:08):
Sorry, and it's not always like some people meet
their spouses when they'realready actively doing something
.
So it's not always like they'rein the stages of improvement not
that they're.
You know what I mean, moving upall those kinds of things, and
I I think I think we hear you,we see you in.
This doesn't feel like a familywith someone who has a nine to
(10:31):
five job who can, for the mostpart, leave that job emotionally
when they come home Although Ifeel like that's a that's a
really rare thing these days.
Um, but we see you, we hear you.
It's hard and I think you knowthe biggest thing that Brad and
I can say is your marriagedoesn't have to look like anyone
(10:53):
else's marriage.
Brad Aldrich (10:54):
Yes, I do think that's like we have to break the
mold, yeah, right yeah.
Like you're never going to fitinto the perfect mold.
That I think is kind of thisideal that's out there and and
all of that.
Kate Aldrich (11:07):
Well, let's be honest, maybe we should smash
the mold.
Does that come from ChrisChristian?
Brad Aldrich (11:13):
Like, let's just, yeah, I think a lot of that is
coming from a 1950s mentality ofhe works, she does, she stay at
home, does all the child careand home care and he maybe, you
know, takes care of the grassand shovels the driveway, like
(11:36):
that, and you know that kind ofin the cars, right, those are
his domain and but yet reallyrunning the home is the wife's
domain and I think most many ofour you know the United States
anyway have moved away from thatas understanding that reality,
(12:00):
that as a reality in 2025.
But I do see in Christiancircles that that is still this
desired state.
Kate Aldrich (12:13):
Hmm, I was trying to think do you think it's
desired or is impressed uponpeople?
Brad Aldrich (12:20):
Both potentially, like I've seen it, and this
dramatically shifts things right.
And I do want to say this Iknow and we've talked to some
women who absolutely adorestaying home.
They're thrilled that they canstay home and be stay-at-home
(12:40):
moms and this is what they wantto do and they are really
excited for that opportunity andI think that's fantastic.
Yeah, of course, right, I wantto support that.
If that is what a woman trulywants to do, great.
However, I've also seen a lotof times where once kids are
around, or once, especially, twokids are around, they look at
(13:03):
the costs of childcare and theygo well this is silly.
You're basically going to beworking in order to pay for
childcare.
Why are we doing this?
So then one person ends upstaying home often her, and
she's not even sure she reallywants to or there's a sense of
(13:24):
loss.
Certainly because of that.
Kate Aldrich (13:27):
I mean, I think I was going to speak to that.
Yes, some women absolutely justare in their zone.
That's what they've alwayswanted to do, um, but there are
a large group of women.
Not that it's about you're inone category and you're not in
the other.
It's really fine to be ineither.
(13:49):
But I think it's good to givevoice to the group of women who
were super excited to stay homewith their children but feel a
deep sense of loss to the thingsthey felt called for, called to
before and I know I'm usingChristianese language there, but
doesn't need to be necessarilyright Like you had a career as
(14:10):
this and then you had kiddos andI can certainly say I was in
that category.
I loved the opportunity to stayhome with our kids for as long
as I could, but I also wrestledwith feeling like this is hard,
like I had a different purposebefore.
(14:33):
Yes, they're part of my purposenow, however, like it was just
such a I don't know, such a tugof war inside of me.
It wasn't.
It wasn't that I didn't want tobe home with my kids, it wasn't
that I necessarily wanted tostay working.
It's just.
It's different.
It is a grief process, becausemost of us don't go back to that
(14:55):
after our kids launch.
Brad Aldrich (14:57):
Right, and can I just say I hope that I've grown
quite a bit since our kids wereyoung.
Kate Aldrich (15:05):
I hope not.
You were 6'3" man, when wouldyou be?
Brad Aldrich (15:09):
Well, I've grown in other directions too, but I
hope that I've grownmaturity-wise.
But I will tell you, when ourkids were young, I didn't once
think about going well, I couldbe a stay-at-home dad, like that
.
That was not something.
(15:29):
That even like it just wasn'teven something I wanted to do.
It wasn't something I wasthinking about doing, like it
wasn't an option.
And and so we never.
I don't think we ever talkedlike that, of like well, one of
the options is you could workand I could stay at home.
Kate Aldrich (15:48):
I did work while you went to school.
Brad Aldrich (15:50):
You did.
Kate Aldrich (15:51):
But yeah, without children.
I mean, come on, yes, andthat's totally okay and we have
really good friends from ourfirst church right after I was
out of school that I was theyouth pastor that did that and I
have no problem with that.
Brad Aldrich (16:05):
No, I think I know several guys who do, but I'm
just saying that that wasn't onour radar either.
I agree, but I'm kind of evenmore going off of what you were
just saying of, like man.
It was this hard emotionalshift and I want to say like I
don't think I even realized thatbecause I never even conceived
(16:26):
of, huh, I could make my career,our kids so you're saying
because you you never sort ofput yourself as best you could
in my shoes?
you kind of just thought I kindof missed the fact that it was a
, that it was a tug of warinside of me, right yeah.
Kate Aldrich (16:46):
No I get that.
Brad Aldrich (16:46):
I think that is something that needs to be
acknowledged.
And yeah, I think we need to betalking about that, because I
end up when I do story workgroups with men and things like
that, I often will talk aboutfinding our identity and our
purpose and one of the things Italk about often because when I
(17:11):
just kind of open thatconversation, every group that
I've ever done starts talkingabout their career, and that's
great.
I do believe that career ispart of our purpose, is part of
my purpose, mm-hmm, but I alwaystry to remind men there is more
(17:33):
to your purpose than whathappens that you get paid for.
Yeah.
Right and we need to look forthose opportunities to find
purpose and fulfillment and joyin other places, Like that is
the point.
I think most men haven't reallyfought for that and thought
(17:54):
about that and I think mostChristian men have this bias
that says, well, their wife isgetting their purpose from their
kids and I think that's anunfortunate bias and I think,
unfortunately the whole purposething is unfortunately very
(18:19):
singular in the Christiancommunity.
Kate Aldrich (18:21):
Like we make it very singular, I don't have just
one purpose in life.
The Lord has many purposes forme, and that can even be when
I'm raising my children andstaying at home.
But you know, I thinkencouraging a spouse who is
staying home with kids like whatare the other purposes you have
(18:41):
in your life and how can I makeroom for them, is important as
well.
But all of this being said, andbringing it back to our
original topic, I just thinkit's important that we give that
voice, that women can actuallyhave a space to say like this is
(19:03):
just so different.
Brad Aldrich (19:05):
Right.
Kate Aldrich (19:05):
I want to do it, but I also mourn and grieve the
fact that I don't get to do thatanymore.
Yeah, at least that anymore.
Yeah, at least full time.
Yeah, at least full time or anyof that In a way that yeah.
So I just think that's animportant.
I just see that women need thatspace to be able to say that
Some women may not feel that wayat all and that's also fine,
(19:27):
but for those who feel like ithusbands, spouses, wives know
that you can carry both.
Brad Aldrich (19:36):
Correct and I think here's okay, so we're
going back to the topic.
That means one of the thingsthat we have to recognize is we
have more purposes than our job,and so if we get wrapped up
into my purpose is only my job,then we are missing the fact
(19:57):
that we got married, the factthat we decided to have kids,
the fact that we did have otherthings that were part of our
purpose, right, if you wanted toremain single and not have a
family and you wanted to haveyour whole purpose be your job,
fine, fine.
Kate Aldrich (20:17):
You kind of got to stay and do that.
Brad Aldrich (20:18):
That's right.
But if you choose like, oh, Iwant to have these other
important relationships in mylife, then we don't get to
expect them to kowtow to well.
That my purpose right now is.
I work 80 hours a week, sothat's all I get to do.
You just have to be nice to me.
Kate Aldrich (20:37):
I don't think anybody quite says that.
Of course they don't.
I hope not.
Brad Aldrich (20:40):
Of course they don't, but I think that's what
comes across.
Is that attitude?
Kate Aldrich (20:45):
And I do think in these circumstances, we need to
honor, if you or your spouse hasa job that is requiring that
much of you, whether it's hours,whether it's, you know,
commitment to being away,however it looks and works, the
(21:06):
reality is your spouse is makinga commitment too and and I
think we need to acknowledgethat and give it voice.
You know, hey, if, if you'realready in the job, you're
marrying me, so you dounderstand, like, having these
conversations, you do understandwhat this is going to look like
.
And then also, if kids come inlater, having those
(21:28):
conversations, right Cause it'sreadjusting, because that's
totally different than twopeople who are, you know, it's
just the two of them figuring itout.
I was thinking about and sharedwith Brad just recently that,
like, this is not a politicalstatement, so don't hear it as
such, but I think this is reallyprofound.
(21:49):
You know, former PresidentBarack Obama shared that when he
left the presidency in theWhite House and I honor I could
never be president, justcouldn't.
I couldn't have Brad bepresident either.
(22:17):
But, like he acknowledged, likeleaving that position, I had a
lot of work to do because therewas just no way I could have
nurtured our relationship asmuch as I wanted to while I was
in office.
And of course, there's only onepresident in the United States,
so no one else is having thatgoing on.
(22:40):
But there can be all kinds ofjobs that require something
that's very similar, and whenyou do that and I'm sure
Michelle Obama knew this likeyou're signing up for something
as well, correct, and as thespouse, we need to recognize
that, and as the spouse who'sdoing the job, you need to
recognize that.
And then how do we figure itout so that our marriage doesn't
(23:05):
end up in ruin?
Brad Aldrich (23:07):
I think that is critical, that you're at least
having that conversation andhopefully regularly having this
conversation.
Kate Aldrich (23:15):
I think you would have to Right.
Because you might find a rhythm, and then who knows what
happens.
Brad Aldrich (23:21):
And I mean we often do say we think it's
important that couples you know,once or twice a year kind of,
sit down down and have the stateof the marriage conversation.
How are we doing?
Kate Aldrich (23:36):
That's not just because we talked about a
president.
Brad Aldrich (23:38):
No.
Kate Aldrich (23:40):
State of the union .
You could just call it thestate of the union.
Brad Aldrich (23:42):
Exactly, but having that conversation that
starts to say really, how are wedoing?
What are our plans for thisyear?
What are your dreams for thisyear?
What are your dreams for thisyear?
What needs to grow?
I think that kind ofconversation is essential when
we're in a place where you knowa job like this is pulling us
(24:06):
away so much, Because you knowwe talk over and over and over
again on the podcast about howimportant communication is, how
important time is.
You know how date nights areimportant.
You know those things getpulled away when we're talking
this kind of job and I think youhave to be on the same page and
(24:28):
in a little way this is not agreat analogy.
But if you don't, you know, ifyou only get like three hours of
sleep a night for severalnights the next night that
sounds awful.
I know it does.
It's horrible.
But if that happens the nextnight you go to bed, your body
automatically jumps to REM sleepmuch faster.
(24:48):
It doesn't wait for the wholecycle, so it gets to that
restorative sleep quicker.
If you are at a detriment, Ifyou deprive yourself.
If you deprive yourself.
No.
Kate Aldrich (24:57):
I don't think this happened when my kids were
little.
I'm just saying.
Brad Aldrich (25:00):
It did.
It's just we didn't still getenough.
I don't think so, but I thinkso.
I think there's some of thatthat would need to happen in
your relationship.
So we don't have much time, sowe have to get to the
restorative connected faster,more intentional.
So it's, we're going to, we'renot going to sit and watch TV
(25:21):
and just relax and hang outtogether, we're going to, you
know, grab a glass of wine andsit across from each other and
really talk you know that you'redoing more intentional.
Kate Aldrich (25:30):
The wine will be counterproductive, it's true.
Brad Aldrich (25:34):
fall asleep, at least for brad and I, but I
think like doing things that arevery, very intentional in
connecting with a limited timewhich is probably difficult,
because people are already at adeficit with that thing you
called tiredness and sleepcorrect and so it probably is
something you want to go to tojust chill and watch a show, and
(25:56):
I get that and there is thatplace for that.
Kate Aldrich (25:58):
I'm not saying every time you have 20 minutes
you need to stare in eachother's eyes deeply and talk but
if you're never doing that,right and you're only ever going
to the.
I'm'm going to bed or we'regoing to watch a show, or these
things are not, or can we havesex now?
Oh, okay.
Right that actually takes quitea bit of energy.
Brad Aldrich (26:18):
I know it does, but that becomes especially when
it's guys who then want.
Kate Aldrich (26:23):
Or girls, it just depends.
Brad Aldrich (26:25):
But when it's guys who are working a lot that is
one of the things we hear thatthey make that time a priority,
but nothing else gotcha well,yes, um, it's.
Kate Aldrich (26:39):
Yeah, the connection is important, like
continuing to grow and keep thatconnection intentional and
alive, right and and I thinkbrad and I give a lot of
recommendations of tools anddifferent things, different
amounts, but this really is whywe end up meeting with a lot of
these couples is because itreally is thinking outside the
(27:03):
box okay, what right?
and being intentional.
You don't have to beintentional every time.
You have 20 minutes together,but you could do that three or
four times out of the week.
That would be incredible right.
And, like I said, brad and Ihave tried to, and you all, if
(27:24):
you've listened to us for anylength of time, know that we did
not always do this well, but weare super intentional.
So you know, we started thisweek like, if we look at this
time last week, we started at adeficit.
Not to imagine our well, justbecause the month has been crazy
, but also what was coming up,our normal work days.
(27:47):
And we looked to Sunday andwe're like, okay, we have to do
that grad party.
We love doing it.
She's like another daughter tous.
But then we were like we'regoing to go do something the two
of us, right, right, andhonestly, in some ways I think
we could both be honest we wereboth so exhausted we would have
probably skipped it.
Could have easily just been likeokay, let's just do nothing.
(28:09):
Yes, right, and you can do thattoo with the uniqueness of your
job.
I want to honor it.
Brad Aldrich (28:15):
Yes.
Kate Aldrich (28:17):
But I also want to say a little bit like don't
sell yourselves short.
Also, don't make excuses foryourself.
Be intentional.
Brad Aldrich (28:25):
Yeah, and figure it out Right, and I think that
is an okay ask for even theperson, the family members who
are going along with this.
You know, whatever the job is,whatever, Family members?
Kate Aldrich (28:42):
You mean the spouse of the person?
Brad Aldrich (28:44):
Yeah, the spouse of the person who is, you know,
at home or working too.
Family members in there.
Well, I see what you're saying,yep, but to say hey, yes, I am
okay with that.
You're doing a super important,really really hard job, but we
also are married, we also havekids or we also have this right.
(29:05):
That is important to us.
So how do I take care of you?
Because you're going to comehome exhausted from X job, but
not like mean that we don't getany space and time either, right
, Like so.
I think that's the importantconversation is to keep keep
(29:27):
going in, trying to push through.
How do we do both and it?
What normally happens is it's afight of you never do this and
well, you don't acknowledge allthat I am doing.
And it's this back and forthargument of each other taking
all of the things that they'reupset about out each at each
(29:48):
other.
I think it the conversationneeds to start by saying I know
how hard you're working for us.
I know that this is really hardon you.
I know you'd probably love tobe home more, but you're not.
And I love what you're doingright, and I see what weight it
(30:10):
comes at you doing right and Isee what weight it comes at you.
You know this is reality.
Kate Aldrich (30:18):
So one, I want to know how to help you, but I also
want us to know how we're goingto keep working on things and I
think, for the opposite spouselike I know how hard you are
working at supporting yes, meyes and, uh, being accommodating
of what I, the time I need,what I, what is required of me,
whether you're raising kids ornot, like putting that in there,
(30:40):
like I realize how much timeyou spend with the kiddos versus
me, you know it is reallyimportant for us to, number one,
be on the same team, right?
Look at the problem together,face it together, instead of
each other becoming the problem.
The problem really is we allhave only a certain amount of
(31:00):
time, but you two, as a couple,probably have even less.
So that's the problem, not thetwo of you.
And then how do we havecompassion for each other's
perspective?
It doesn't matter if one getsto stay home more than the other
yes remember, like if someoneis staying home there's a weight
(31:23):
therethere is an emotional lack of
sacrifice, there's a lack ofyeah, there's.
I mean that I homemakers.
If you are just home doing that, I know I probably shouldn't
say just like, that is stillhard, sure For sure.
I do think that's a little bitdifferent to talk about.
(31:45):
If you are keeping the home andall of that but don't
necessarily have otherresponsibilities, I do think it
is different.
It's just different to talkabout it.
It doesn't mean one's worsethan the other, but like
honoring what it's like for eachone of you and being able to
hold that in a kind way.
Brad Aldrich (32:06):
And how you balance it and what you can do
and what you can't do in some ofthis.
It and what you can do and whatyou can't do in some of this.
And I think it is one of thosethings in a conversation that
needs to happen regularly.
Like there are expectationsthat we put on each other based
on our assumption of time, andthen, you know, things change
(32:30):
and we don't necessarily go backand have that conversation on
time again, and I think it isone of those things that we need
to be regularly doing of likeokay, so I'm going to be doing
this.
You know these are yourresponsibilities versus mine.
Like that needs to berenegotiated.
(32:52):
Like this is not 1950 anymore.
These are your responsibilitiesversus mine.
That needs to be renegotiated.
This is not 1950 anymore.
We don't get to sit here andjust have expectations on.
This is what hisresponsibilities are.
This is what hers are.
I think most homes in Americanow are two-income homes, are
two-income homes and yet laststatistics I saw still even in
(33:16):
two-income homes, the wife isdoing 80% of the housework.
Kate Aldrich (33:23):
Mm-hmm, we should work on that.
We should make sure for ourfamily.
We're beating that statistic.
Brad Aldrich (33:30):
And you say that, but I've been asking you for the
last three months.
Kate Aldrich (33:34):
Oh, here we go guys.
Brad Aldrich (33:35):
But I've been asking you the last couple of
months because up until I wouldsay like three months ago, we
were pretty intentional ofkeeping your time with Aldrich
Ministries about halftimebecause you were doing a lot of
all of the rest of that stuff.
Kate Aldrich (33:54):
I would say it's been longer than that, probably
six months, but okay.
Brad Aldrich (33:57):
And yeah, over the last three to six months your
halftime has certainly grown toat least three-quarter time.
And sometimes full-time, andsometimes full-time, and I keep
asking you okay, wait a minute,you're doing full-time, what's
going to give?
What should I be doing more nowin trying to figure out how to
(34:18):
balance that?
Kate Aldrich (34:19):
I've been trying to be intentional about that,
but we haven't directly said thelast six months have been crazy
, so I don't know that I'veheard the conversation that way.
That's an interesting,interesting thing to for us to
throw around there, sir, but I,I, yeah, I don't, I don't know.
Do you feel like other than Iknow, like I don't?
(34:42):
Know there's a deficit, yetthat I feel sometimes I'm not
getting the laundry done asquick as I normally did, or
things like that.
But I don't, I don't know, Ihaven't.
Brad Aldrich (34:52):
Also, we're now entering summer, which summer
it's totally changes, but youknow what then this may lead us
into.
This is one of the topics thatwe talked about potentially
doing a podcast on that.
I recognize that there is amental load that you carry about
family things that I'm verywilling to do the task load but
(35:18):
not necessarily you still do alot of the mental load.
So, for instance, right, it'snighttime.
Kate Aldrich (35:25):
I know what do you mean.
Yes, it's not morning here,guys, we're doing a nighttime
podcast.
Brad Aldrich (35:29):
I'm super happy.
I enjoy cooking.
Oh it's the cooking.
Well, that's just an example.
I don't necessarily usuallyplan that you end up doing most
of the shopping, but that youend up doing most of the
shopping, and so a lot of timeswhat happens is I'll look at our
(35:52):
schedule, I'll look at myschedule and go.
I'm happy to cook tonight.
Did you have any thoughts?
Which means you are still doingthe mental load of what's in
the house.
What should we cook?
Kate Aldrich (36:03):
that kind of stuff which I recognize and I may be
doing the task, but you're stilldoing the load.
This is where the the internetneeds to be able to see my
facial expressions.
Brad Aldrich (36:13):
Yeah, did you see my role?
Kate Aldrich (36:15):
My eye.
Brad Aldrich (36:16):
Cause you you actually do often talk about
like that place of I don't wantto have that mental load kind of
thing?
Kate Aldrich (36:23):
It's not.
Yes, I would like not to, but Ialso don't always think about
it the way I should.
Our 18-year-old always textswhat's for dinner.
My response what makes youthink I know what's for dinner?
Brad Aldrich (36:37):
Well, but then sometimes it does work, Like
yesterday you literally wereputting in an order for
groceries.
Kate Aldrich (36:45):
Yep guys, I do Instacart.
I am not ashamed.
Brad Aldrich (36:48):
Yep Instacart can sponsor us.
Kate Aldrich (36:50):
We'd be happy to oh yes, absolutely instacart, I
love you how, and that hashelped you have changed my life
timing and marriage.
Brad Aldrich (36:58):
So, um, there you go.
There's a little advertisingplug there.
But um, you were doing that andI kind of said, okay, I, I'm
home tomorrow, let me cook.
And you're like great, here'sthe order.
And so then I did go throughand go okay, here's something I
can cook and planned it like.
I will say, I do that sometimesbut horrible at that.
(37:19):
I'll just confess it but I thinkfor many things, even outside
of cooking, like the party, likethose kind things, you keep the
mental to-do list of what needsdone and I'm willing to do the
tasks and I recognize doing thetasks as part of it.
But mental load is a big dealand I do, I'm aware of this, I
(37:40):
think, a lot of times, even intimes where there's shared tasks
there, not shared mental load,and that does have a consequence
yeah, I think that definitelywhen the kids were younger I
definitely felt that I don'tfeel it as much anymore.
Kate Aldrich (37:57):
But I get, I do believe that's true for many of
the stay-at-home spouses thatthey feel that mental yeah
family load as well aspotentially whatever else
they're doing, because a lot ofstay-at-home spouses have
something they're doing on theside to make a little extra
money or whatever.
So I mean I don't.
(38:18):
I guess there are a few years Iwas truly stay-at-home, but
I've always also kind of hadright my photography business.
Brad Aldrich (38:24):
Like it, it wasn't for very long but I even think
through, like your photographybusiness, like when you went
into a season of doingphotography because you were
always kind of primarilyseasonal, it would be like
around mother's day and aroundfall you would do a ton, and
then fall, but yeah we wouldkind of like shift some of the
(38:48):
responsibilities and timing andhave those conversations.
Kate Aldrich (38:51):
Yeah.
Brad Aldrich (38:52):
Which is kind of what we're talking about in when
things shift.
But I'll also say you know,obviously conversation is really
important and maybe it'sanother topic and certainly let
us know if you want to hear moreabout this idea of who's
carrying the mental load in yourfamily.
That might be a topic for thefuture, but I think it's
(39:13):
something we don't realize,because there is two sides of
mental load.
Right, like I recognize, I'lljust using us.
You absolutely carry the mentalload on the things that need
done for our kids, their events,their schedule.
You carry the mental load for alot of the household chores in
(39:38):
general right, Like even ifyou're not doing them, you are
absolutely carrying the load ofwhat needs done right yeah 100%.
On the other side, I would say Icarry the mental load on things
like finances or our carinsurance that we just re-upped
for way too much money or like,absolutely like those kind of
(39:58):
things that I think you areoften surprised how much I'm
carrying that mental load,because I'll mention something
and you're like oh man, I didn'teven realize.
You know that I don't alwaysknow the timing.
I do know you're carrying themental.
Yeah, yeah man, I didn't evenrealize, you know that I don't
always know the timing I do knowyou're carrying the mental,
yeah, yeah but I don't think youalways realize, like how much
I'm thinking about it is.
Oh, is that's kind of what Imean by that.
(40:19):
So I think both spouses end upcarrying pieces of their mental
load, whatever that that is, andit does have a weight on each
other yeah.
Kate Aldrich (40:30):
So, and I think that's important to know, even
in these high pressure, highdemand jobs, that that still is
happening for the other spouseand for the one who's doing it
all.
And you know, just bringingthis up, I think we felt a need
to like give this a voice,because these couples are out
(40:52):
there right.
It can also you know we wereeven talking like it can be if
you have a kiddo with hugemental or physical needs that
they require a ton of your time.
And we have done podcasts onthat, specifically because we
live that as a family different,specifically because we live
that as a family different.
But the mental capacity iswhere we, some of our kiddos,
(41:14):
struggle and so just knowing wesee you, it is different and I
want to acknowledge that right.
When we act like it's not, thatdoesn't help.
When people say, oh yeah, youknow.
When somebody says, you know, Iknow for us what's been a
challenge and I will justchallenge people out there.
(41:35):
You know.
When we share with you whattruly, uh truly, our home
environment is like at times,that means you're in our inner
circle, because it also isimportant to honor our children.
But it is difficult and I won'tget into all of that.
(41:55):
But when people will say thingsto me like, oh yeah, when my
teenager went through a phase,that's hard because we're not
talking about teenage phaseshere, well, actually we are, but
we're talking about teenagephases on top of tons of trauma
and it's just not the same.
And so what I'm saying throughthat is we want to honor.
This is different.
You are facing more things.
(42:17):
Your spouse has signed up forthings that a lot of other
spouses have never had to signup, for we're hearing you.
We're also saying don't let itbe an excuse that your marriage
can't be really connected andreally good.
Brad Aldrich (42:31):
Yeah, and that you guys go through it together.
Kate Aldrich (42:34):
Just remember and know that.
You know some people don't getit and it's okay that those
people don't feel safe to talkto about it, but it's also not
an excuse to stay in the placeof like we don't know what to do
.
We don't you know it's anopportunity for good things
(42:57):
Right.
Brad Aldrich (42:58):
And I will, you know, plug in there.
We end up talking to a lot ofthese couples because it's they
don't fit the cookie cutter.
You know we can't, we're notgoing to do it like all the
books say.
So we need to figure out howwe're going to make it through
either this season or this jobor this whatever, because we
want to and we're passionateabout that.
(43:18):
But we need to support eachother.
So I do plug.
Hey, you know, maybe thinkabout getting some coaching and
using that as a space to workout some of the details.
Kate Aldrich (43:33):
Yeah, I mean, I think first honestly not to talk
us down, because I thinkmeeting with one of our coaches
would be phenomenal, but havethe conversation first
yourselves and see where you canfigure it out, and if you're
able to figure it out on yourown, go for it Absolutely.
But sometimes we've dugourselves a little bit deeper
and it feels you're able tofigure it out on your own, go
for it.
But sometimes we've dugourselves a little bit deeper
and it feels a lot harder tofigure that out.
(43:53):
And that's when I think coachescan be super helpful, because
they should honor where you are,honor that it's hard, but also
say, okay, we don't want youguys to stay here.
Brad Aldrich (44:02):
Right and stuck yeah Right.
Well, I hope that was helpful.
We kind of meandered around acouple of different things, but
it's okay.
It's a good thing.
So, yeah, I hope that washelpful to you as you continue
your journey.
Kate Aldrich (44:18):
For sure.
I was just going to say youprobably don't want to pause for
me, but when you said we're notin the 1950s anymore, I want to
say, honey, do you realizewe're actually closer to the
2050s than we are to 1950s.
Oh, we're much much yes.
Okay.
I just wanted to make sure youwere on that ship.
I know that.
Brad Aldrich (44:36):
Right, but I think a lot of Christian families
still live in 1950s, so I thinkwe do have to challenge some of
that.
Kate Aldrich (44:43):
It's so funny because if you look at you and I
, we never lived in the 1950s.
Brad Aldrich (44:52):
We may sound old, but we're not that old.
Kate Aldrich (44:53):
But I think there is some values, but our parents
did.
Brad Aldrich (44:55):
There's some values of the 50s that have been
perpetrated through evangelicalChristianity that are not
necessarily biblical in any way.
Oh of course, that are part ofthat culture, so that's where
it's coming from.
But, yeah, I hope that washelpful to all of you and we're
(45:16):
going to continue on thisjourney of Still Becoming One,
and we hope that you join usUntil next time.
I'm Brad Aldrich.
Kate Aldrich (45:23):
And I'm Kate Aldrich.
Be kind and take care of eachother.
Brad Aldrich (45:28):
Still Becoming One is a production of Aldrich
Ministries.
For more information about Bradand Kate's coaching ministry
courses and speakingopportunities, you can find us
at aldrichministriescom Forpodcast show notes and links to
resources in all of our socialmedia.
Be sure to visit us atstillbecomingonecom and don't
(45:50):
forget to like this episodewherever you get your podcasts.
Thank you.
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