June 4, 2025 • 37 mins
Brad and Kate explore how married couples can drift into feeling like roommates or business partners when they neglect emotional connection and intimacy. They discuss how busyness, misinterpreting intentions, and focusing solely on logistics create distance in relationships. Then offer some practical tools, including their own book of questions, as a path back toward intimacy.
You can find the Questions for Couples book on Amazon or at aldrichministries.com/resources.
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Episode Transcript
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Brad Aldrich (00:04):
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast.
We are Brad and Kate.
Kate Aldrich (00:10):
In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've
survived both dark times andexperienced restoration.
Brad Aldrich (00:15):
Now as a licensed marriage counselor and
relationship coaches.
We help couples to regain hopeand joy.
Kate Aldrich (00:23):
We invite you to journey with us, as we are Still
Becoming One.
Brad Aldrich (00:27):
Let's start the conversation.
Hello everyone, Welcome back toStill Becoming One.
Kate Aldrich (00:35):
Yeah, welcome back .
It's Monday morning.
Brad Aldrich (00:38):
Yes, it is, and we're glad to be here.
Kate Aldrich (00:41):
This is a crazy week.
Brad Aldrich (00:42):
It is.
It is another crazy week in ourhousehold.
Kate Aldrich (00:46):
Yes, let's just talk about May.
Brad Aldrich (00:49):
May A little bit.
Well, thank goodness it's notMay anymore.
Kate Aldrich (00:53):
Right, but we just Guys.
I just thought about that.
I was like, oh yeah, it'sactually June, it still feels
like a continuation of May,though it is a continuation of
May.
The month of May is just.
I don't think I ever looked atit that way until my good friend
Jen Hatmaker.
I consider her a friend.
She may not consider me afriend, doesn't even know who I
(01:15):
am, but that's not the point.
She always talks about themadness of May and I think I
never really recognized it untilnow.
And of course, ours continuesinto the first week of June.
We have our middle daughtergraduating from high school this
week.
Our oldest will be home for thegraduation, is moving towards
(01:38):
being a missionary, so we'rehosting a dinner for him.
Like, it's just like.
Brad Aldrich (01:43):
There's just all the things going on and I think
May I don't know if I realizedit too too much, you know before
having a little bit older kids,but there's just a million end
of a year activities.
Like it seems like there's somany things that it's like, oh
(02:03):
yeah, okay, we have to do thisand we have to do this, and it's
just all these things that getadded into a schedule.
Kate Aldrich (02:10):
It's almost worse than the paperwork and bustle of
the beginning of the year, areyou sure?
Yes, Well, okay, let me say itthis way Because we started when
our kids were in high schoolwith forms.
We started saying fill out whatyou can fill out and we'll help
you with the rest, to the pointwhere, when they were seniors,
(02:30):
they basically can fill out thewhole form and just need our
signature, because eventuallythey're going to have to fill
out forms themselves.
That's why we kind of moved thatdirection.
So I can say that, because weonly have high schoolers, maybe
if you have littles where youhave to fill out all the forms,
maybe it seems equal.
But this time for us, just witheverything, just seems like a
(02:52):
lot.
I don't know.
Brad Aldrich (02:53):
More so than the beginning.
There's specialty events,there's things that you're
supposed to be doing, going tofor senior class things.
There's just a lot.
Kate Aldrich (03:03):
It doesn't help that we have a senior, although
we are glad to do it all.
I mean, that brings a wholenother host of things.
In fact, jen Hatmaker said Iforget how she said it, but she
said if you have one graduating,well, that's just even more
right.
Yes, yeah, and that's the fun,like it's all the last, so you
(03:23):
don't want to miss any of thoseby any means, but it's also a
lot more than we're used tohaving on our schedule, yep.
Brad Aldrich (03:30):
So through the course of May we caught up on
our backlog of recordingsbecause we sometimes try to
record a little bit of ahead,record a little bit of a head,
and we very much caught up tothe point where we didn't post
last week because we just werenot even in town for part of
(03:51):
that week when we would haverecorded and several times it
just didn't happen.
Kate Aldrich (03:55):
Let's do it tonight, let's do it, and then
it just never happened.
Brad Aldrich (04:00):
So yeah, here we are catching up and we're glad
to be adding some more to thecalendar soon here that we'll
hopefully catch ourselves up aswe go into summer.
Kate Aldrich (04:12):
I feel like after this weekend dare I say it it's
like normal summer schedule.
We have some vacations, somethings like that, but I don't
think we specifically have anyevents until we have everybody
returning to college or onegoing to college for the first
time.
So August, of course, will beinteresting.
(04:32):
But yeah, it feels like afterthis weekend things will calm a
little bit.
We'll see if that's actuallytrue or not.
Brad Aldrich (04:40):
But anyways, we also threw in there.
This weekend we did a marriageconference that we were really
grateful to be a part of.
We just called it the StillBecoming.
Kate Aldrich (04:52):
One Be a part of we, were it Not to make that
sound like but to make it soundlike there was a conglomerate,
it was just Brad and I.
Brad Aldrich (04:59):
Yes, but we had a lot of fun and we just called it
the Still Becoming Oneconference and workshop.
Kate Aldrich (05:07):
Yeah, it was hosted at our home church, which
they're just amazing in howthey've surrounded us and yeah,
so we hope to get that out toyou.
Brad Aldrich (05:17):
We do.
Yeah, our goal, we just did it.
So this may take a little while, but we did get to video record
it, just did it.
So this may take a little while, but we did get to video record
it.
So we're going to work on thatand hopefully get it up as a
resource that other people cantake advantage of too.
So absolutely that will be asummer project and hopefully um
(05:38):
get up not too long yeah, yeah,yep, lots of summer projects.
Kate Aldrich (05:42):
Okay, now it's starting to make the summer
sound let's just not let's justnot talk about it.
But yeah, it was fun to be withthe couples who came out.
They were a really fun audienceand it was a good time for sure
, it definitely was so so thatushered out may, even though I
keep thinking it's may yep soyeah, so we're actually, I think
(06:03):
, talking about something thatcan come out of this kind of
busyness.
It's a dynamic that we end uphearing really quite frequently
from couples that we work withis this idea of we just feel
like roommates or businesspartners or we can function
together but, there's not muchthere well, and I think the way
(06:27):
it's often described to me and Idon't necessarily attribute it
to the roommate's term is wefunction well with like
schedules, getting the kidswhere they need to go if you
don't have a grocery list, thepickup schedule like we function
in every other area, exceptwhen it it takes vulnerability
(06:50):
and intimacy.
then we struggle and I'll behonest, I'm interested in
talking about this today becauseBrad and I just kind of chatted
for a few minutes before,because we know you guys like to
hear all the things we come upwith, but, like when we were
struggling, that was not thecase like no, we did?
We argued and it soundsvolatile.
(07:13):
It wasn't volatile by any means, but like when, when we were
struggling with vulnerabilityand intimacy and all of those
things, like I felt like westruggled in every area.
Brad Aldrich (07:23):
I would agree.
If that makes sense I wouldagree and I want to say I don't
think we ran into thisspecifically because we were
intentional, because we weretrying, over the course of our
marriage, to continue to worktowards each other, but at the
(07:46):
same time, I can absolutely seehow this could occur.
Kate Aldrich (07:50):
That's interesting .
You think that's?
Let's stop there for a minute.
You think that it'sintentionality?
I thought it was because we'reso good at being irritated on
many levels or I am, at least,I'll self-admit.
Brad Aldrich (08:03):
I think you oh how am I going to say this?
No, I think you do have thisplace where, when something is
not going right, you have a needto work on it, like there is a
place where, when there is adisconnect between us, it's
(08:26):
something that does impact you.
Kate Aldrich (08:31):
I think what you're trying to say is it tends
to trickle into every area.
Yeah, but I don't think soanymore Because we've had lots
of challenges in our life thatI'm able to compartmentalize now
, but I think in my youngeryears not knowing my story I was
not and I think about not evenyou it fed into everything, like
(08:54):
if I was struggling with youthen I was just struggling in
general.
I think I've gotten a lotbetter.
Brad Aldrich (09:01):
I would agree.
Kate Aldrich (09:02):
But we are talking about that time, not now for us
, although we can talk about thecontrast.
So I think for me, even whenwe're dealing with the kids or
we're dealing with the groceryor whatever, I am kind of sadly.
I was just irritable abouteverything.
Like everything you said kindof had a.
This makes me sound awful.
Brad Aldrich (09:22):
No, it's not just you, and this is where I wanted
to go, like this is where I cansee the other side.
I said you kind of are giving,I think, part of the answer here
of intentionality, but I cansee, you know, throughout the
day you're doing, you're working, you're often both working and
(09:42):
then you come home and you'refocused on the kids and you're
doing homework and you're doingall those things.
And then by the end of thenight you crash one.
You know one person crashesoften this I hear this often is
one person gets up really early,so they have to go to bed early
.
So just by the time we'regetting the kids in bed, they're
getting ready for bed and Istay up later, and it's that
(10:05):
kind of dynamic.
And so then you just don't takeany time together, and so then
even your relaxed time, yourdowntime, is separate.
You're not really communicatinganything other than about the
details of the week and the kids, and we've definitely had those
(10:28):
periods in our life.
I think most of those periodsfor us happened at times where
we were really trying to beintentional about coming
together and and creating space,that that wasn't all there was.
So I think that's how we gotthrough some of this.
(10:50):
But when I talk to couples thatwrestle with this, it is just
this formula of they haven'treally had any real time
together, or and I think this isan important or when they do
have time together or and Ithink this is an important or
when they do have time together,they kind of end up talking
(11:12):
about the kids or bickering andjust kind of like.
I I kind of mean that likeargument, but not really
argument of like oh, I thoughtyou were going to do that.
Now you know, it's just thatkind of blah.
Kate Aldrich (11:25):
Which I think is what I was.
That's a good word for what Iwas saying earlier.
Brad Aldrich (11:29):
Yeah.
Kate Aldrich (11:30):
Yeah.
Brad Aldrich (11:31):
And that's it right.
And so then both of them leavethose times and going see the
other person doesn't care, likeit almost reinforces this thing
of they don't actually careabout me.
All they do is you know, wefunction together, yeah.
And when you add all thedifferent types of intimacy in
(11:54):
together in that formula, thatall are lacking you know there
really is not a whole lot ofemotional intimacy in that space
.
There is often a quite lack ofemotional intimacy.
In that space there is often aquite lack of sexual intimacy in
that space, like I think,everyone ends up feeling just
like they're living together inthe same space.
But what's really the point?
Kate Aldrich (12:18):
Yeah, hmm, I wonder too if that's probably
where the thoughts come in ormaybe, maybe not of, like, I
married the wrong person.
Brad Aldrich (12:29):
Oh yeah, like we were talking about the other
week.
Kate Aldrich (12:31):
Yeah, maybe I feel like that can come in too, but
maybe not, Because I know when Iwork with couples and they say
we do all of these other thingsreally well, we just don't do
this.
Brad Aldrich (12:44):
I think it does get to be this thing of like
they don't actually care aboutme.
Kate Aldrich (12:48):
They just it's a slower eroder yeah that even
makes sense like eroding thefoundation whereas when it's
very volatile.
Brad Aldrich (12:58):
You're all upset and all the areas that's gonna
chip away at it chunks of it alot quicker yeah, I I will say
like I think I'm used to hearingthis from guys who have said it
, sometimes almost very directlyin we used to be so close and
(13:21):
connected and emotionalconnected, and now I feel like
she gets all of her emotionalconnection from the kids and she
doesn't need me anymore.
Kate Aldrich (13:32):
Hmm, but that's and I hear that but that's
limiting it to only people withkids.
Brad Aldrich (13:39):
A hundred percent, but I do think that's where
more of this can happen.
I would say I can see the samething happening with somebody
who is very invested in theirwork, doing almost workaholism
level of kind of idea of likethat's all their life is.
(13:59):
I think that could happen.
Kate Aldrich (14:02):
Honestly, it is very intriguing to me.
What does create this incouples?
I just thinking about it like Idon't know.
I always go to story because tome, where do we switch from and
you know you mentioned the kidsand that does kind of's,
obviously, couples without kidsand this can become a dynamic
(14:26):
but where do we switch frombeing excited, content?
We got married and now we're itdoesn't feel that way anymore.
Brad Aldrich (14:39):
Right.
It doesn't feel connected.
It doesn't feel celebrated?
Kate Aldrich (14:44):
I don't know.
Brad Aldrich (14:45):
Or even close yeah .
Kate Aldrich (14:46):
And I mean, of course, some marriages start
that way, let's be honest.
They're not necessarily honestwith themselves before they
start, Sure, but then there areplenty that becomes
disillusioned and they're likewhat happened?
Where are we?
Why is it like this?
And I'm just kind of curious ofhow do we think that slide
starts?
Brad Aldrich (15:06):
I mean, I do think it is a drift right.
Kate Aldrich (15:10):
It is not.
That's why I said a slide, it'snot a jump.
Brad Aldrich (15:12):
It's not a jump, it is this slow thing where it
just incrementally goes space byspace, where people aren't
actually engaging each otherright.
Intimacy requires time andvulnerability.
Kate Aldrich (15:31):
And trust.
Brad Aldrich (15:32):
Right, yeah.
And so there's this place where, if that stuff isn't happening,
then it's really easy for thatfriendship, closeness, dynamic
to just kind of not be there.
And then all of a sudden youstart going well, I would share
(15:53):
this funny thing that happenedwith this person, but they don't
really care, so I won't rightlike it's now, we're just kind
of holding back things and Ithink that kind of can really
build on this drift apart fromeach other yeah, yeah, that's
interesting and we've even saidwe realize that is a yellow flag
.
(16:13):
Yes, a hundred percent.
Kate Aldrich (16:15):
Maybe not the funny stories with people
although I like to share all thefunny stories Brad gets to
listen to all of them but morelike this happened with our
kiddo, or this happened withwhatever you know work or our
parents or whatever and it'sbeen a week and I haven't had an
opportunity to tell you yetyeah right and it's yeah, so
(16:38):
that's a yellow flag for us oflike oh, we need to find some
time to connect because we'veclearly been so busy, because
you and I really are intentionalyeah well about sharing all the
things and I keep sharing thisstatistic that has been around
for a while, of that couples,when they're first dating they
often are are spending about 20minutes a week
(16:58):
in intensive conversation beyondlike schedule conversation.
I think you should check thatout sometime and see if that's
(17:25):
changed.
I bet with phones it's probablyeven less.
Brad Aldrich (17:29):
Even less, yeah, Because yeah, and it is this
thing that it takes time andbelief that the other person
wants it to the connection, tohave that kind of connection,
and I think that's one of thethings that happens.
I've seen this.
It's like, you know, the oneperson will go no, I'd really
(17:50):
like to connect with my spouse,but you know what, I came out
after putting the kids to bedand they were doing something,
so then I started doingsomething and they just went to
bed, right, and it's just thisplace of continually missing
each other.
Kate Aldrich (18:07):
Sure yeah.
So what do we do with this?
Brad Aldrich (18:16):
I mean, I think the first thing is to recognize
the drift.
Sure.
Call it out of what it is andrecognize it's going to take
some time to drift back together, right Like it's going to take
work to get back.
It's not going to be a jump anda leap of like okay, we're
going to do this weekend thingand everything's going to be
(18:37):
perfect.
But if you can start call itout for what it is and start to
go, hey, you know what, let'swork on rebuilding, let's work
on re-getting to know each other, then I think there is this
place that you can work towardseach other.
Kate Aldrich (18:57):
Do you and I don't ?
This obviously isn't about us,but like I feel, when you've
gotten to a place with us, withour comfort level and how we
watch those yellow flags socarefully, it is just hanging
out.
Connect Like it doesn't take asmuch work for us.
I agree, would you?
Agree.
Brad Aldrich (19:17):
No, I totally agree because and I think this
is the difference- Okay.
If we have something plannedwhere even we've said, hey,
we're going to spend timetogether and then something
comes up that I have to go dothat for 30 minutes and I come
out of that and I see you doingsomething.
(19:38):
I'm not immediately assuming.
Oh, kate doesn't want to spendany time with me because she's
mad that I had to do something.
Right like there's thisassumption that's there that
that happens and it just erodesfurther.
I think we've gotten to theplace of just going oh hey, I'm
ready when you are.
Let's you know that we're oneach other's team and knowing
(20:03):
that.
You know, if something pulledat our time together, it was
legitimate, and you know it'snot that we wanted it to.
It just did, and so then we'regoing to work on coming back
together.
Kate Aldrich (20:13):
We're over communicators, which isn't a bad
thing, I mean, especially ifyou find me doing a chore, I'm
willing to stop immediately, sodon't feel like you can't say
anything.
But I hear what you're saying.
But I also think sometimesthose things are used for
certain couples to avoid.
Brad Aldrich (20:32):
Absolutely Like the other day and I could like.
This wasn't anything, but Icould see it become one of.
I was walking around doing somechores with my headphones on
listening to a podcast and Ithink there were a few times
that you tried to like talk tome.
Kate Aldrich (20:50):
Well, let's be honest, let's hold that thought.
I would talk to Brad nonstop.
I'm actually not a talker, butpoor Brad, because I love him so
much he gets it all.
I just love being around him,we work together and I just love
to chat and tell him thethoughts in my head.
He's probably like I don't needto know everything, but I do
(21:12):
sometimes, but I've.
I've worked really hard on itthe last year because you have
said with your ADHD it canreally like keep you from
getting things done.
Now you're doing chores, sothat's not as big of a deal, but
I have really worked hard onnot coming into your office
unless I really need to like allof these things.
So I have worked on it, friendsum, but I think sometimes, yes,
(21:33):
I have worked on it, friends.
But I think sometimes, yes, Ihave a thought and I'm like, oh,
he has his headphones on,that's not.
Brad Aldrich (21:38):
But here's the thing Like there were a couple
of times I recognized you weretrying to talk to me, I have
noise canceling headphones onwith a podcast playing, so then
I'm like looking for my phone topause the podcast, to take my
headphones off and go.
What?
Right, which I know from myphone to pause the podcast, to
take my headphones off and go.
What right, which I know?
(21:58):
What, though?
Uh-huh right that I was exactlygoing there like that didn't
sound super inviting.
You could so easily interpretthat.
What of you're now disruptingme, you're annoying me, you're
annoying me and, and, like I,all I'm doing is saying that
time could so easily set offthese things and just feel like
people don't really want to bearound you.
(22:19):
I think you and I both knowbetter and we know each other
well enough to know that wassomething totally different, and
we even talked about thepodcast I was listening to later
and you know some of those kindof things that brings it back
together.
But those unspoken expectationsversus hurts, I think, is a big
(22:42):
contributor to this.
Just feeling like the otherperson doesn't care, they're
just a roommate, we're justalong for the ride together.
Kate Aldrich (22:49):
Sure, yes, we read so much into how things are
said that it makes completesense.
I mean, should we mention that?
I probably had my noisecanceling headphones on too, but
I'm still trying to talk to you.
Truth, wait.
Funny story Last night Brad'shearing this for the first time
on air guys.
Last night our daughter, who'sgraduating, came home from work
(23:12):
and I was just being silly withher, which is just how I do life
.
And funny thing I said I'mgoing to go.
We were all going to get in ourhot tub, so I was going to go
change and went into the bedroomand apparently I didn't even
think about it.
I continued to be silly bymyself in the bedroom and she
came around the corner and shegoes.
(23:33):
You really do do that byyourself don't you.
And I said yeah, why?
And she goes.
Sometimes I do wonder if youjust do it for us, but
apparently not.
I was like nope, I kept singingsome song and I was like
singing it to myself.
So, guys, this is me all thetime.
Brad Aldrich (23:51):
Yes, for sure.
Kate Aldrich (23:53):
I do try to listen , though when people are like
it's a little much right now, Itry to tone it down.
Brad Aldrich (23:59):
But yeah, you like to have fun, and there's
nothing wrong with having fun.
Kate Aldrich (24:02):
True, but I've learned with all of my teenagers
, young adults, sometimesthey're not in a space where
they want to have fun with mom,and it's OK for them to say it's
much right now, mom.
So, but anyways, back to oursubject that could help you, if
you're just funny all the time.
I do think right like this isone.
Brad Aldrich (24:22):
No, I I'm agreeing with you because I think
sometimes people automaticallygo to the deep emotional places
when they're feeling thisdistance.
And yes, yes, I think there arethings that need to be talked
about in that.
But I do think just sometimeshaving fun together develop some
(24:43):
of that more communication andsafety and like those kind of
things too.
So I actually I think there's acombination here of sometimes
light and fun and funny andsometimes deeper and more
connected and emotional.
Kate Aldrich (24:58):
Obviously I'm a big proponent of that.
But I love that you're bringingit up because and I know it's
hard, because that's actuallyvulnerable too to just be light
and fun when things don't feelthat way.
But we encourage a lot ofcouples like connect on
something that isn't a big deal.
Connect on, you know, like, and.
(25:19):
And that's why, you know, brad,we created this questions for
couples book, because oftenwe're telling couples when we
meet with them how about if youjust have some time where you
just connect over meaningless,potentially silly like that?
It doesn't have to be, but youknow, just questions that aren't
(25:40):
about all the hard things inlife.
Brad Aldrich (25:43):
Yeah.
Kate Aldrich (25:43):
There's a time and a place for those, and I love
those too.
I love going deep and hearingwhat people think.
In fact, when we did our, whenwe were doing our workshop this
weekend, we asked some peoplesome questions from our book and
I just love knowing why thepeople thought that like.
It's just so interesting to meand that's the goal.
Brad Aldrich (26:02):
so, yeah, kate and I did, after working with so
many couples that findthemselves in this space, we sat
down and created a book ofquestions for couples to go
through, and we have hundreds ofquestions that are just
designed to get the two of youtalking and be able to just
(26:26):
rediscover some of thatconnection and intimacy and the
things that you fell in lovewith this person in the first
place, and walk through thisplace of trying to get to know
them and be open to that, whichI think often these questions do
lead to, this idea of well,wait a minute, why do you think
(26:49):
that?
Tell me more about that.
So, then, it's starting aconversation that still might be
silly or it might be deep.
Kate Aldrich (26:58):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally.
And so you know, some of thequestions are just I love, would
you rathers To me they can bereally funny and just fun.
So we have a bunch of those inthere, we have a bunch of deeper
ones, but yeah, we broke it upinto a couple of different
sections.
Brad Aldrich (27:17):
We did kind of like date questions that you
could, because this is one ofthe complaints that we hear all
the time is people go outactually be intentional, go out
on a date and look at each otherand they don't know what to
talk about and they get throughwhat they do in their day, they
get through what's going on withtheir kids and then they just
kind of lose steam.
(27:38):
So we have a whole section onhey, let's do some questions
that you can, at least you know,take one a week and it doesn't
have to be done over arestaurant table, it can be done
at home.
You know, once a week, sendingsome time, kind of doing three
or four questions that help youto grow together.
Kate Aldrich (27:58):
Yeah, for sure.
So there's the mix in there,right, absolutely.
For the times that you justwant to do.
You know, you guys just don'thave anything specific to do.
You're sitting outside enjoyingeach other's company and it's
like, well, let's just do acouple questions right, and I
just think it can be a light wayfor people to connect.
(28:20):
That isn't serious, it isn'tdealing with all the issues that
you have in life, it's justconnecting absolutely so.
Brad Aldrich (28:30):
a couple examples.
Kate loves, would you Rather Ido?
Kate Aldrich (28:33):
I love a good.
Would you Rather, would you?
Brad Aldrich (28:35):
rather take a hot air balloon ride or a helicopter
tour together.
Hmm.
Kate Aldrich (28:43):
Hmm, I'd have to think about that, because
probably hot air balloon, but Iknow it's really chilly when you
do that.
I don't really like being cold,but that seems like a lot more
fun to me than a helicopter ride, although you also have to get
up really early.
I mean, let's be practicalabout these things.
These are things I don't likebeing cold and being up really
(29:05):
early.
What would you choose?
Brad Aldrich (29:11):
I would love to do both at some point.
No, no, no no think it's a,would you rather I?
I've never done a hot airballoon, right, I think I've.
Actually, I've never doneeither of these, so I don't know
what I'm saying I don't thinkI've ever been a helicopter
either I kind of like the ideaof the helicopter because you
(29:31):
actually get to, like, you'reusually touring somewhere,
you're usually seeing somethingspecific right Like.
So I think I would do that, Iwould choose that.
Kate Aldrich (29:40):
And there we have it.
Total opposites Awesome.
Well, that'll work, we'll work.
That one out, guys.
Brad Aldrich (29:47):
Would you rather be able to speak every language
or play every musical instrument?
Kate Aldrich (29:53):
Speak every language or play every musical
instrument.
Speak every language hardcore.
I do not give a rip aboutplaying musical instruments.
Sorry, you like music I lovemusic, it doesn't mean I have
never once in my life thought Iwould produce it like it would
come out of me.
Brad Aldrich (30:10):
So I, I would say the same thing.
I would love to be able tospeak other languages, because
then we could travel anywhereand be able to talk to anybody
and we wouldn't look like dumbAmericans.
Right?
No, that would be amazing, itwould be great.
Kate Aldrich (30:22):
Yeah, that's an easy one.
Brad Aldrich (30:23):
Yeah.
Kate Aldrich (30:24):
Sorry.
Brad Aldrich (30:26):
Sorry.
If you could ask God onequestion and get an immediate
answer, what would it be?
Huh.
Kate Aldrich (30:37):
Hmm, guys, there's so many options right there.
Probably it would have to.
I'd probably have to go with.
What in the world did youcreate a mosquito for?
Ooh see oh, that's a that's agood one the rest I'm gonna get
(31:03):
answered in heaven.
I just want to know why I ammercilessly plagued by those
things.
What are they for they?
If I, if they have a purpose,maybe I can get on board,
because brad always tells me,like what do you?
You tell me eat some, but whatis it always?
Brad Aldrich (31:21):
oh, bats eat, they eat spiders and bugs, bats eat
lots of mosquitoes, tons of themso, like whenever I don't like
something, he's like.
Kate Aldrich (31:30):
But here's its function and I'm like okay yes,
I don't know what the mosquito'sfunction is.
I will agree with that.
That's that.
What's your question?
Brad Aldrich (31:39):
what would I ask god um what?
What today are we getting wrongin, and I mean in like gosh,
now you have to go all goodygoody no, no like in in I just
want to know about the bloodsucking in church or in in big c
church.
(31:59):
What do we?
What are we missing?
What are we getting wrong?
I think that's where I would.
I'm kind of afraid of theanswer, feeling a little
inadequate.
Kate Aldrich (32:08):
now, Maybe if we just release a million
mosquitoes in church we wouldn'thave to worry about it.
Everybody would not attend.
Brad Aldrich (32:15):
They'd run away.
Kate Aldrich (32:17):
Here we go.
I know the answer to this one.
Would you rather be acontestant on a couple's game
show or take part in a cookingcompetition together?
Brad Aldrich (32:27):
Ooh, we don't usually cook well together, so
true.
We both cook, and you cookreally really well.
Kate Aldrich (32:40):
Stop.
He always says that because hedoesn't want me to stop cooking.
Brad Aldrich (32:43):
And I enjoy cooking, but we tend not to do
it together that well.
So I think I'm gonna choose thegame show, because I think we
could function much better.
I thought he'd pick the cooktogether I think we'd function
so much better on the AmazingRace together than we would on a
(33:05):
cooking show.
Kate Aldrich (33:07):
I didn't think of that, I just thought of the
dating game or whatever.
Yeah, I would much rather do agame show, depending.
Brad Aldrich (33:13):
I'm not a big game person, so it would depend on
what that was my hesitancy,because you don't really like
the game aspect, but I like thedating.
Kate Aldrich (33:20):
We've done the dating.
Brad Aldrich (33:21):
Yeah, like like the game, but I like the dating.
Kate Aldrich (33:22):
We've done the dating, yeah, like because
that's information yeah, thenewlywed game, that's yep, yep,
yep, yep so um interesting let'ssee, oh, would you rather wear
a cape or a crown?
A cape oh, no way crown.
This head was made for a crown.
Brad Aldrich (33:43):
Heck.
Yes, it was, but I think I willhave the cape.
Thank you very much.
Kate Aldrich (33:47):
I'm channeling my QE too.
Brad Aldrich (33:51):
Well, I think you can get some idea of and
honestly, we're just doing moreof the light questions, there
are some also more emotional,deeper questions in there too
that the idea really is to carveout some time to have 10
minutes, 15 minutes ofconversation around just some
(34:12):
getting to know you.
I think, honestly, using thatin a place of just trying to
rekindle some of yourconversation and rekindle some
of that connection, I thinkreally can be a helpful tool.
Kate Aldrich (34:28):
Yeah, absolutely Obviously we do.
And you know it doesn't need tobe like sterile and like, okay,
we have to sit down every nightand ask a question.
I mean, if that's fun and youenjoy that, go for it.
But you know it can just besomething you do, you know, a
couple of times a week or weeklyor whatever, or when you feel
like you need something, whetherit's a deep question or a fun,
(34:50):
silly question, that you canpull it out as a tool.
Um, but a lot of times peopleget stuck in okay, what do we
talk about?
How, how do we connect?
Okay, we've shared our day.
That's about it like we'veshared what the kids are doing.
Yep, and yeah, we just thinksometimes it's, it's good, right
, and these things are createdfor, like, table time with your
(35:12):
kids, like you see all kinds ofresources for that.
Brad Aldrich (35:17):
It's the same thing yeah, it's the same idea.
Kate Aldrich (35:20):
It is yeah, and and the fact that we think we
don't need it where we think weneed to get our kids talking.
Yeah, it's the same.
Yeah, and so just rememberingthat like we need opportunities
to talk and sometimes it needsto be fluffy.
Brad Aldrich (35:34):
Absolutely, and sometimes it needs to be deep,
so so you can find um the newbook Questions for Couples on
Amazon.
I will put a link in the shownotes.
You can also find it onaldrichministriescom slash
resources.
There'll be a link there.
We'd love you to check it outand let us know what you think.
Kate Aldrich (35:58):
Yeah, we're working on some potential other
resources too, so keep an eyeout for that.
Brad Aldrich (36:03):
Absolutely, absolutely, absolutely.
So really, our heart is that ifyou are feeling like roommates,
do something about it, like dosomething to move back towards
intimacy together, do somethingto stop that slide.
Yeah.
Because the slide's going tocontinue.
Mm-hmm slide?
(36:26):
Yeah, Because the slide's goingto continue and if you're
intentional, it is possible today by day week by week slide
back and slide back to thatconnected place.
Yeah, for sure.
So I hope that that's somethingthat you can talk about, that
you guys can look at and evengrab the resource.
We would love to hear what youthink as you're trying to ask
(36:47):
some questions of each other, toreconnect and grow in your
intimacy.
Kate Aldrich (36:52):
Yeah, absolutely.
Brad Aldrich (36:54):
So I hope you enjoyed that.
I hope some of that made youlaugh and we will be back next
week with more ways that you cancontinue to still become one
together.
Until next time, I'm BradAldrich.
Kate Aldrich (37:09):
And I'm Kate Aldrich.
Be kind and take care of eachother.
Brad Aldrich (37:15):
Still Becoming One is a production of Aldrich
Ministries.
For more information about Bradand Kate's coaching ministry
courses and speakingopportunities, you can find us
at aldrichministriescom.
For podcast show notes andlinks to resources in all of our
(37:36):
social media.
Be sure to visit us atstillbecomingonecom and don't
forget to like this episodewherever you get your podcasts,
and be sure to follow us tocontinue your journey on still
becoming one.
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast.
We are Brad and Kate.
Kate Aldrich (00:10):
In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've
survived both dark times andexperienced restoration.
Brad Aldrich (00:15):
Now as a licensed marriage counselor and
relationship coaches.
We help couples to regain hopeand joy.
Kate Aldrich (00:23):
We invite you to journey with us, as we are Still
Becoming One.
Brad Aldrich (00:27):
Let's start the conversation.
Hello everyone, Welcome back toStill Becoming One.
Kate Aldrich (00:35):
Yeah, welcome back .
It's Monday morning.
Brad Aldrich (00:38):
Yes, it is, and we're glad to be here.
Kate Aldrich (00:41):
This is a crazy week.
Brad Aldrich (00:42):
It is.
It is another crazy week in ourhousehold.
Kate Aldrich (00:46):
Yes, let's just talk about May.
Brad Aldrich (00:49):
May A little bit.
Well, thank goodness it's notMay anymore.
Kate Aldrich (00:53):
Right, but we just Guys.
I just thought about that.
I was like, oh yeah, it'sactually June, it still feels
like a continuation of May,though it is a continuation of
May.
The month of May is just.
I don't think I ever looked atit that way until my good friend
Jen Hatmaker.
I consider her a friend.
She may not consider me afriend, doesn't even know who I
(01:15):
am, but that's not the point.
She always talks about themadness of May and I think I
never really recognized it untilnow.
And of course, ours continuesinto the first week of June.
We have our middle daughtergraduating from high school this
week.
Our oldest will be home for thegraduation, is moving towards
(01:38):
being a missionary, so we'rehosting a dinner for him.
Like, it's just like.
Brad Aldrich (01:43):
There's just all the things going on and I think
May I don't know if I realizedit too too much, you know before
having a little bit older kids,but there's just a million end
of a year activities.
Like it seems like there's somany things that it's like, oh
(02:03):
yeah, okay, we have to do thisand we have to do this, and it's
just all these things that getadded into a schedule.
Kate Aldrich (02:10):
It's almost worse than the paperwork and bustle of
the beginning of the year, areyou sure?
Yes, Well, okay, let me say itthis way Because we started when
our kids were in high schoolwith forms.
We started saying fill out whatyou can fill out and we'll help
you with the rest, to the pointwhere, when they were seniors,
(02:30):
they basically can fill out thewhole form and just need our
signature, because eventuallythey're going to have to fill
out forms themselves.
That's why we kind of moved thatdirection.
So I can say that, because weonly have high schoolers, maybe
if you have littles where youhave to fill out all the forms,
maybe it seems equal.
But this time for us, just witheverything, just seems like a
(02:52):
lot.
I don't know.
Brad Aldrich (02:53):
More so than the beginning.
There's specialty events,there's things that you're
supposed to be doing, going tofor senior class things.
There's just a lot.
Kate Aldrich (03:03):
It doesn't help that we have a senior, although
we are glad to do it all.
I mean, that brings a wholenother host of things.
In fact, jen Hatmaker said Iforget how she said it, but she
said if you have one graduating,well, that's just even more
right.
Yes, yeah, and that's the fun,like it's all the last, so you
(03:23):
don't want to miss any of thoseby any means, but it's also a
lot more than we're used tohaving on our schedule, yep.
Brad Aldrich (03:30):
So through the course of May we caught up on
our backlog of recordingsbecause we sometimes try to
record a little bit of ahead,record a little bit of a head,
and we very much caught up tothe point where we didn't post
last week because we just werenot even in town for part of
(03:51):
that week when we would haverecorded and several times it
just didn't happen.
Kate Aldrich (03:55):
Let's do it tonight, let's do it, and then
it just never happened.
Brad Aldrich (04:00):
So yeah, here we are catching up and we're glad
to be adding some more to thecalendar soon here that we'll
hopefully catch ourselves up aswe go into summer.
Kate Aldrich (04:12):
I feel like after this weekend dare I say it it's
like normal summer schedule.
We have some vacations, somethings like that, but I don't
think we specifically have anyevents until we have everybody
returning to college or onegoing to college for the first
time.
So August, of course, will beinteresting.
(04:32):
But yeah, it feels like afterthis weekend things will calm a
little bit.
We'll see if that's actuallytrue or not.
Brad Aldrich (04:40):
But anyways, we also threw in there.
This weekend we did a marriageconference that we were really
grateful to be a part of.
We just called it the StillBecoming.
Kate Aldrich (04:52):
One Be a part of we, were it Not to make that
sound like but to make it soundlike there was a conglomerate,
it was just Brad and I.
Brad Aldrich (04:59):
Yes, but we had a lot of fun and we just called it
the Still Becoming Oneconference and workshop.
Kate Aldrich (05:07):
Yeah, it was hosted at our home church, which
they're just amazing in howthey've surrounded us and yeah,
so we hope to get that out toyou.
Brad Aldrich (05:17):
We do.
Yeah, our goal, we just did it.
So this may take a little while, but we did get to video record
it, just did it.
So this may take a little while, but we did get to video record
it.
So we're going to work on thatand hopefully get it up as a
resource that other people cantake advantage of too.
So absolutely that will be asummer project and hopefully um
(05:38):
get up not too long yeah, yeah,yep, lots of summer projects.
Kate Aldrich (05:42):
Okay, now it's starting to make the summer
sound let's just not let's justnot talk about it.
But yeah, it was fun to be withthe couples who came out.
They were a really fun audienceand it was a good time for sure
, it definitely was so so thatushered out may, even though I
keep thinking it's may yep soyeah, so we're actually, I think
(06:03):
, talking about something thatcan come out of this kind of
busyness.
It's a dynamic that we end uphearing really quite frequently
from couples that we work withis this idea of we just feel
like roommates or businesspartners or we can function
together but, there's not muchthere well, and I think the way
(06:27):
it's often described to me and Idon't necessarily attribute it
to the roommate's term is wefunction well with like
schedules, getting the kidswhere they need to go if you
don't have a grocery list, thepickup schedule like we function
in every other area, exceptwhen it it takes vulnerability
(06:50):
and intimacy.
then we struggle and I'll behonest, I'm interested in
talking about this today becauseBrad and I just kind of chatted
for a few minutes before,because we know you guys like to
hear all the things we come upwith, but, like when we were
struggling, that was not thecase like no, we did?
We argued and it soundsvolatile.
(07:13):
It wasn't volatile by any means, but like when, when we were
struggling with vulnerabilityand intimacy and all of those
things, like I felt like westruggled in every area.
Brad Aldrich (07:23):
I would agree.
If that makes sense I wouldagree and I want to say I don't
think we ran into thisspecifically because we were
intentional, because we weretrying, over the course of our
marriage, to continue to worktowards each other, but at the
(07:46):
same time, I can absolutely seehow this could occur.
Kate Aldrich (07:50):
That's interesting .
You think that's?
Let's stop there for a minute.
You think that it'sintentionality?
I thought it was because we'reso good at being irritated on
many levels or I am, at least,I'll self-admit.
Brad Aldrich (08:03):
I think you oh how am I going to say this?
No, I think you do have thisplace where, when something is
not going right, you have a needto work on it, like there is a
place where, when there is adisconnect between us, it's
(08:26):
something that does impact you.
Kate Aldrich (08:31):
I think what you're trying to say is it tends
to trickle into every area.
Yeah, but I don't think soanymore Because we've had lots
of challenges in our life thatI'm able to compartmentalize now
, but I think in my youngeryears not knowing my story I was
not and I think about not evenyou it fed into everything, like
(08:54):
if I was struggling with youthen I was just struggling in
general.
I think I've gotten a lotbetter.
Brad Aldrich (09:01):
I would agree.
Kate Aldrich (09:02):
But we are talking about that time, not now for us
, although we can talk about thecontrast.
So I think for me, even whenwe're dealing with the kids or
we're dealing with the groceryor whatever, I am kind of sadly.
I was just irritable abouteverything.
Like everything you said kindof had a.
This makes me sound awful.
Brad Aldrich (09:22):
No, it's not just you, and this is where I wanted
to go, like this is where I cansee the other side.
I said you kind of are giving,I think, part of the answer here
of intentionality, but I cansee, you know, throughout the
day you're doing, you're working, you're often both working and
(09:42):
then you come home and you'refocused on the kids and you're
doing homework and you're doingall those things.
And then by the end of thenight you crash one.
You know one person crashesoften this I hear this often is
one person gets up really early,so they have to go to bed early
.
So just by the time we'regetting the kids in bed, they're
getting ready for bed and Istay up later, and it's that
(10:05):
kind of dynamic.
And so then you just don't takeany time together, and so then
even your relaxed time, yourdowntime, is separate.
You're not really communicatinganything other than about the
details of the week and the kids, and we've definitely had those
(10:28):
periods in our life.
I think most of those periodsfor us happened at times where
we were really trying to beintentional about coming
together and and creating space,that that wasn't all there was.
So I think that's how we gotthrough some of this.
(10:50):
But when I talk to couples thatwrestle with this, it is just
this formula of they haven'treally had any real time
together, or and I think this isan important or when they do
have time together or and Ithink this is an important or
when they do have time together,they kind of end up talking
(11:12):
about the kids or bickering andjust kind of like.
I I kind of mean that likeargument, but not really
argument of like oh, I thoughtyou were going to do that.
Now you know, it's just thatkind of blah.
Kate Aldrich (11:25):
Which I think is what I was.
That's a good word for what Iwas saying earlier.
Brad Aldrich (11:29):
Yeah.
Kate Aldrich (11:30):
Yeah.
Brad Aldrich (11:31):
And that's it right.
And so then both of them leavethose times and going see the
other person doesn't care, likeit almost reinforces this thing
of they don't actually careabout me.
All they do is you know, wefunction together, yeah.
And when you add all thedifferent types of intimacy in
(11:54):
together in that formula, thatall are lacking you know there
really is not a whole lot ofemotional intimacy in that space
.
There is often a quite lack ofemotional intimacy.
In that space there is often aquite lack of sexual intimacy in
that space, like I think,everyone ends up feeling just
like they're living together inthe same space.
But what's really the point?
Kate Aldrich (12:18):
Yeah, hmm, I wonder too if that's probably
where the thoughts come in ormaybe, maybe not of, like, I
married the wrong person.
Brad Aldrich (12:29):
Oh yeah, like we were talking about the other
week.
Kate Aldrich (12:31):
Yeah, maybe I feel like that can come in too, but
maybe not, Because I know when Iwork with couples and they say
we do all of these other thingsreally well, we just don't do
this.
Brad Aldrich (12:44):
I think it does get to be this thing of like
they don't actually care aboutme.
Kate Aldrich (12:48):
They just it's a slower eroder yeah that even
makes sense like eroding thefoundation whereas when it's
very volatile.
Brad Aldrich (12:58):
You're all upset and all the areas that's gonna
chip away at it chunks of it alot quicker yeah, I I will say
like I think I'm used to hearingthis from guys who have said it
, sometimes almost very directlyin we used to be so close and
(13:21):
connected and emotionalconnected, and now I feel like
she gets all of her emotionalconnection from the kids and she
doesn't need me anymore.
Kate Aldrich (13:32):
Hmm, but that's and I hear that but that's
limiting it to only people withkids.
Brad Aldrich (13:39):
A hundred percent, but I do think that's where
more of this can happen.
I would say I can see the samething happening with somebody
who is very invested in theirwork, doing almost workaholism
level of kind of idea of likethat's all their life is.
(13:59):
I think that could happen.
Kate Aldrich (14:02):
Honestly, it is very intriguing to me.
What does create this incouples?
I just thinking about it like Idon't know.
I always go to story because tome, where do we switch from and
you know you mentioned the kidsand that does kind of's,
obviously, couples without kidsand this can become a dynamic
(14:26):
but where do we switch frombeing excited, content?
We got married and now we're itdoesn't feel that way anymore.
Brad Aldrich (14:39):
Right.
It doesn't feel connected.
It doesn't feel celebrated?
Kate Aldrich (14:44):
I don't know.
Brad Aldrich (14:45):
Or even close yeah .
Kate Aldrich (14:46):
And I mean, of course, some marriages start
that way, let's be honest.
They're not necessarily honestwith themselves before they
start, Sure, but then there areplenty that becomes
disillusioned and they're likewhat happened?
Where are we?
Why is it like this?
And I'm just kind of curious ofhow do we think that slide
starts?
Brad Aldrich (15:06):
I mean, I do think it is a drift right.
Kate Aldrich (15:10):
It is not.
That's why I said a slide, it'snot a jump.
Brad Aldrich (15:12):
It's not a jump, it is this slow thing where it
just incrementally goes space byspace, where people aren't
actually engaging each otherright.
Intimacy requires time andvulnerability.
Kate Aldrich (15:31):
And trust.
Brad Aldrich (15:32):
Right, yeah.
And so there's this place where, if that stuff isn't happening,
then it's really easy for thatfriendship, closeness, dynamic
to just kind of not be there.
And then all of a sudden youstart going well, I would share
(15:53):
this funny thing that happenedwith this person, but they don't
really care, so I won't rightlike it's now, we're just kind
of holding back things and Ithink that kind of can really
build on this drift apart fromeach other yeah, yeah, that's
interesting and we've even saidwe realize that is a yellow flag
.
(16:13):
Yes, a hundred percent.
Kate Aldrich (16:15):
Maybe not the funny stories with people
although I like to share all thefunny stories Brad gets to
listen to all of them but morelike this happened with our
kiddo, or this happened withwhatever you know work or our
parents or whatever and it'sbeen a week and I haven't had an
opportunity to tell you yetyeah right and it's yeah, so
(16:38):
that's a yellow flag for us oflike oh, we need to find some
time to connect because we'veclearly been so busy, because
you and I really are intentionalyeah well about sharing all the
things and I keep sharing thisstatistic that has been around
for a while, of that couples,when they're first dating they
often are are spending about 20minutes a week
(16:58):
in intensive conversation beyondlike schedule conversation.
I think you should check thatout sometime and see if that's
(17:25):
changed.
I bet with phones it's probablyeven less.
Brad Aldrich (17:29):
Even less, yeah, Because yeah, and it is this
thing that it takes time andbelief that the other person
wants it to the connection, tohave that kind of connection,
and I think that's one of thethings that happens.
I've seen this.
It's like, you know, the oneperson will go no, I'd really
(17:50):
like to connect with my spouse,but you know what, I came out
after putting the kids to bedand they were doing something,
so then I started doingsomething and they just went to
bed, right, and it's just thisplace of continually missing
each other.
Kate Aldrich (18:07):
Sure yeah.
So what do we do with this?
Brad Aldrich (18:16):
I mean, I think the first thing is to recognize
the drift.
Sure.
Call it out of what it is andrecognize it's going to take
some time to drift back together, right Like it's going to take
work to get back.
It's not going to be a jump anda leap of like okay, we're
going to do this weekend thingand everything's going to be
(18:37):
perfect.
But if you can start call itout for what it is and start to
go, hey, you know what, let'swork on rebuilding, let's work
on re-getting to know each other, then I think there is this
place that you can work towardseach other.
Kate Aldrich (18:57):
Do you and I don't ?
This obviously isn't about us,but like I feel, when you've
gotten to a place with us, withour comfort level and how we
watch those yellow flags socarefully, it is just hanging
out.
Connect Like it doesn't take asmuch work for us.
I agree, would you?
Agree.
Brad Aldrich (19:17):
No, I totally agree because and I think this
is the difference- Okay.
If we have something plannedwhere even we've said, hey,
we're going to spend timetogether and then something
comes up that I have to go dothat for 30 minutes and I come
out of that and I see you doingsomething.
(19:38):
I'm not immediately assuming.
Oh, kate doesn't want to spendany time with me because she's
mad that I had to do something.
Right like there's thisassumption that's there that
that happens and it just erodesfurther.
I think we've gotten to theplace of just going oh hey, I'm
ready when you are.
Let's you know that we're oneach other's team and knowing
(20:03):
that.
You know, if something pulledat our time together, it was
legitimate, and you know it'snot that we wanted it to.
It just did, and so then we'regoing to work on coming back
together.
Kate Aldrich (20:13):
We're over communicators, which isn't a bad
thing, I mean, especially ifyou find me doing a chore, I'm
willing to stop immediately, sodon't feel like you can't say
anything.
But I hear what you're saying.
But I also think sometimesthose things are used for
certain couples to avoid.
Brad Aldrich (20:32):
Absolutely Like the other day and I could like.
This wasn't anything, but Icould see it become one of.
I was walking around doing somechores with my headphones on
listening to a podcast and Ithink there were a few times
that you tried to like talk tome.
Kate Aldrich (20:50):
Well, let's be honest, let's hold that thought.
I would talk to Brad nonstop.
I'm actually not a talker, butpoor Brad, because I love him so
much he gets it all.
I just love being around him,we work together and I just love
to chat and tell him thethoughts in my head.
He's probably like I don't needto know everything, but I do
(21:12):
sometimes, but I've.
I've worked really hard on itthe last year because you have
said with your ADHD it canreally like keep you from
getting things done.
Now you're doing chores, sothat's not as big of a deal, but
I have really worked hard onnot coming into your office
unless I really need to like allof these things.
So I have worked on it, friendsum, but I think sometimes, yes,
(21:33):
I have worked on it, friends.
But I think sometimes, yes, Ihave a thought and I'm like, oh,
he has his headphones on,that's not.
Brad Aldrich (21:38):
But here's the thing Like there were a couple
of times I recognized you weretrying to talk to me, I have
noise canceling headphones onwith a podcast playing, so then
I'm like looking for my phone topause the podcast, to take my
headphones off and go.
What?
Right, which I know from myphone to pause the podcast, to
take my headphones off and go.
What right, which I know?
(21:58):
What, though?
Uh-huh right that I was exactlygoing there like that didn't
sound super inviting.
You could so easily interpretthat.
What of you're now disruptingme, you're annoying me, you're
annoying me and, and, like I,all I'm doing is saying that
time could so easily set offthese things and just feel like
people don't really want to bearound you.
(22:19):
I think you and I both knowbetter and we know each other
well enough to know that wassomething totally different, and
we even talked about thepodcast I was listening to later
and you know some of those kindof things that brings it back
together.
But those unspoken expectationsversus hurts, I think, is a big
(22:42):
contributor to this.
Just feeling like the otherperson doesn't care, they're
just a roommate, we're justalong for the ride together.
Kate Aldrich (22:49):
Sure, yes, we read so much into how things are
said that it makes completesense.
I mean, should we mention that?
I probably had my noisecanceling headphones on too, but
I'm still trying to talk to you.
Truth, wait.
Funny story Last night Brad'shearing this for the first time
on air guys.
Last night our daughter, who'sgraduating, came home from work
(23:12):
and I was just being silly withher, which is just how I do life
.
And funny thing I said I'mgoing to go.
We were all going to get in ourhot tub, so I was going to go
change and went into the bedroomand apparently I didn't even
think about it.
I continued to be silly bymyself in the bedroom and she
came around the corner and shegoes.
(23:33):
You really do do that byyourself don't you.
And I said yeah, why?
And she goes.
Sometimes I do wonder if youjust do it for us, but
apparently not.
I was like nope, I kept singingsome song and I was like
singing it to myself.
So, guys, this is me all thetime.
Brad Aldrich (23:51):
Yes, for sure.
Kate Aldrich (23:53):
I do try to listen , though when people are like
it's a little much right now, Itry to tone it down.
Brad Aldrich (23:59):
But yeah, you like to have fun, and there's
nothing wrong with having fun.
Kate Aldrich (24:02):
True, but I've learned with all of my teenagers
, young adults, sometimesthey're not in a space where
they want to have fun with mom,and it's OK for them to say it's
much right now, mom.
So, but anyways, back to oursubject that could help you, if
you're just funny all the time.
I do think right like this isone.
Brad Aldrich (24:22):
No, I I'm agreeing with you because I think
sometimes people automaticallygo to the deep emotional places
when they're feeling thisdistance.
And yes, yes, I think there arethings that need to be talked
about in that.
But I do think just sometimeshaving fun together develop some
(24:43):
of that more communication andsafety and like those kind of
things too.
So I actually I think there's acombination here of sometimes
light and fun and funny andsometimes deeper and more
connected and emotional.
Kate Aldrich (24:58):
Obviously I'm a big proponent of that.
But I love that you're bringingit up because and I know it's
hard, because that's actuallyvulnerable too to just be light
and fun when things don't feelthat way.
But we encourage a lot ofcouples like connect on
something that isn't a big deal.
Connect on, you know, like, and.
(25:19):
And that's why, you know, brad,we created this questions for
couples book, because oftenwe're telling couples when we
meet with them how about if youjust have some time where you
just connect over meaningless,potentially silly like that?
It doesn't have to be, but youknow, just questions that aren't
(25:40):
about all the hard things inlife.
Brad Aldrich (25:43):
Yeah.
Kate Aldrich (25:43):
There's a time and a place for those, and I love
those too.
I love going deep and hearingwhat people think.
In fact, when we did our, whenwe were doing our workshop this
weekend, we asked some peoplesome questions from our book and
I just love knowing why thepeople thought that like.
It's just so interesting to meand that's the goal.
Brad Aldrich (26:02):
so, yeah, kate and I did, after working with so
many couples that findthemselves in this space, we sat
down and created a book ofquestions for couples to go
through, and we have hundreds ofquestions that are just
designed to get the two of youtalking and be able to just
(26:26):
rediscover some of thatconnection and intimacy and the
things that you fell in lovewith this person in the first
place, and walk through thisplace of trying to get to know
them and be open to that, whichI think often these questions do
lead to, this idea of well,wait a minute, why do you think
(26:49):
that?
Tell me more about that.
So, then, it's starting aconversation that still might be
silly or it might be deep.
Kate Aldrich (26:58):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally.
And so you know, some of thequestions are just I love, would
you rathers To me they can bereally funny and just fun.
So we have a bunch of those inthere, we have a bunch of deeper
ones, but yeah, we broke it upinto a couple of different
sections.
Brad Aldrich (27:17):
We did kind of like date questions that you
could, because this is one ofthe complaints that we hear all
the time is people go outactually be intentional, go out
on a date and look at each otherand they don't know what to
talk about and they get throughwhat they do in their day, they
get through what's going on withtheir kids and then they just
kind of lose steam.
(27:38):
So we have a whole section onhey, let's do some questions
that you can, at least you know,take one a week and it doesn't
have to be done over arestaurant table, it can be done
at home.
You know, once a week, sendingsome time, kind of doing three
or four questions that help youto grow together.
Kate Aldrich (27:58):
Yeah, for sure.
So there's the mix in there,right, absolutely.
For the times that you justwant to do.
You know, you guys just don'thave anything specific to do.
You're sitting outside enjoyingeach other's company and it's
like, well, let's just do acouple questions right, and I
just think it can be a light wayfor people to connect.
(28:20):
That isn't serious, it isn'tdealing with all the issues that
you have in life, it's justconnecting absolutely so.
Brad Aldrich (28:30):
a couple examples.
Kate loves, would you Rather Ido?
Kate Aldrich (28:33):
I love a good.
Would you Rather, would you?
Brad Aldrich (28:35):
rather take a hot air balloon ride or a helicopter
tour together.
Hmm.
Kate Aldrich (28:43):
Hmm, I'd have to think about that, because
probably hot air balloon, but Iknow it's really chilly when you
do that.
I don't really like being cold,but that seems like a lot more
fun to me than a helicopter ride, although you also have to get
up really early.
I mean, let's be practicalabout these things.
These are things I don't likebeing cold and being up really
(29:05):
early.
What would you choose?
Brad Aldrich (29:11):
I would love to do both at some point.
No, no, no no think it's a,would you rather I?
I've never done a hot airballoon, right, I think I've.
Actually, I've never doneeither of these, so I don't know
what I'm saying I don't thinkI've ever been a helicopter
either I kind of like the ideaof the helicopter because you
(29:31):
actually get to, like, you'reusually touring somewhere,
you're usually seeing somethingspecific right Like.
So I think I would do that, Iwould choose that.
Kate Aldrich (29:40):
And there we have it.
Total opposites Awesome.
Well, that'll work, we'll work.
That one out, guys.
Brad Aldrich (29:47):
Would you rather be able to speak every language
or play every musical instrument?
Kate Aldrich (29:53):
Speak every language or play every musical
instrument.
Speak every language hardcore.
I do not give a rip aboutplaying musical instruments.
Sorry, you like music I lovemusic, it doesn't mean I have
never once in my life thought Iwould produce it like it would
come out of me.
Brad Aldrich (30:10):
So I, I would say the same thing.
I would love to be able tospeak other languages, because
then we could travel anywhereand be able to talk to anybody
and we wouldn't look like dumbAmericans.
Right?
No, that would be amazing, itwould be great.
Kate Aldrich (30:22):
Yeah, that's an easy one.
Brad Aldrich (30:23):
Yeah.
Kate Aldrich (30:24):
Sorry.
Brad Aldrich (30:26):
Sorry.
If you could ask God onequestion and get an immediate
answer, what would it be?
Huh.
Kate Aldrich (30:37):
Hmm, guys, there's so many options right there.
Probably it would have to.
I'd probably have to go with.
What in the world did youcreate a mosquito for?
Ooh see oh, that's a that's agood one the rest I'm gonna get
(31:03):
answered in heaven.
I just want to know why I ammercilessly plagued by those
things.
What are they for they?
If I, if they have a purpose,maybe I can get on board,
because brad always tells me,like what do you?
You tell me eat some, but whatis it always?
Brad Aldrich (31:21):
oh, bats eat, they eat spiders and bugs, bats eat
lots of mosquitoes, tons of themso, like whenever I don't like
something, he's like.
Kate Aldrich (31:30):
But here's its function and I'm like okay yes,
I don't know what the mosquito'sfunction is.
I will agree with that.
That's that.
What's your question?
Brad Aldrich (31:39):
what would I ask god um what?
What today are we getting wrongin, and I mean in like gosh,
now you have to go all goodygoody no, no like in in I just
want to know about the bloodsucking in church or in in big c
church.
(31:59):
What do we?
What are we missing?
What are we getting wrong?
I think that's where I would.
I'm kind of afraid of theanswer, feeling a little
inadequate.
Kate Aldrich (32:08):
now, Maybe if we just release a million
mosquitoes in church we wouldn'thave to worry about it.
Everybody would not attend.
Brad Aldrich (32:15):
They'd run away.
Kate Aldrich (32:17):
Here we go.
I know the answer to this one.
Would you rather be acontestant on a couple's game
show or take part in a cookingcompetition together?
Brad Aldrich (32:27):
Ooh, we don't usually cook well together, so
true.
We both cook, and you cookreally really well.
Kate Aldrich (32:40):
Stop.
He always says that because hedoesn't want me to stop cooking.
Brad Aldrich (32:43):
And I enjoy cooking, but we tend not to do
it together that well.
So I think I'm gonna choose thegame show, because I think we
could function much better.
I thought he'd pick the cooktogether I think we'd function
so much better on the AmazingRace together than we would on a
(33:05):
cooking show.
Kate Aldrich (33:07):
I didn't think of that, I just thought of the
dating game or whatever.
Yeah, I would much rather do agame show, depending.
Brad Aldrich (33:13):
I'm not a big game person, so it would depend on
what that was my hesitancy,because you don't really like
the game aspect, but I like thedating.
Kate Aldrich (33:20):
We've done the dating.
Brad Aldrich (33:21):
Yeah, like like the game, but I like the dating.
Kate Aldrich (33:22):
We've done the dating, yeah, like because
that's information yeah, thenewlywed game, that's yep, yep,
yep, yep so um interesting let'ssee, oh, would you rather wear
a cape or a crown?
A cape oh, no way crown.
This head was made for a crown.
Brad Aldrich (33:43):
Heck.
Yes, it was, but I think I willhave the cape.
Thank you very much.
Kate Aldrich (33:47):
I'm channeling my QE too.
Brad Aldrich (33:51):
Well, I think you can get some idea of and
honestly, we're just doing moreof the light questions, there
are some also more emotional,deeper questions in there too
that the idea really is to carveout some time to have 10
minutes, 15 minutes ofconversation around just some
(34:12):
getting to know you.
I think, honestly, using thatin a place of just trying to
rekindle some of yourconversation and rekindle some
of that connection, I thinkreally can be a helpful tool.
Kate Aldrich (34:28):
Yeah, absolutely Obviously we do.
And you know it doesn't need tobe like sterile and like, okay,
we have to sit down every nightand ask a question.
I mean, if that's fun and youenjoy that, go for it.
But you know it can just besomething you do, you know, a
couple of times a week or weeklyor whatever, or when you feel
like you need something, whetherit's a deep question or a fun,
(34:50):
silly question, that you canpull it out as a tool.
Um, but a lot of times peopleget stuck in okay, what do we
talk about?
How, how do we connect?
Okay, we've shared our day.
That's about it like we'veshared what the kids are doing.
Yep, and yeah, we just thinksometimes it's, it's good, right
, and these things are createdfor, like, table time with your
(35:12):
kids, like you see all kinds ofresources for that.
Brad Aldrich (35:17):
It's the same thing yeah, it's the same idea.
Kate Aldrich (35:20):
It is yeah, and and the fact that we think we
don't need it where we think weneed to get our kids talking.
Yeah, it's the same.
Yeah, and so just rememberingthat like we need opportunities
to talk and sometimes it needsto be fluffy.
Brad Aldrich (35:34):
Absolutely, and sometimes it needs to be deep,
so so you can find um the newbook Questions for Couples on
Amazon.
I will put a link in the shownotes.
You can also find it onaldrichministriescom slash
resources.
There'll be a link there.
We'd love you to check it outand let us know what you think.
Kate Aldrich (35:58):
Yeah, we're working on some potential other
resources too, so keep an eyeout for that.
Brad Aldrich (36:03):
Absolutely, absolutely, absolutely.
So really, our heart is that ifyou are feeling like roommates,
do something about it, like dosomething to move back towards
intimacy together, do somethingto stop that slide.
Yeah.
Because the slide's going tocontinue.
Mm-hmm slide?
(36:26):
Yeah, Because the slide's goingto continue and if you're
intentional, it is possible today by day week by week slide
back and slide back to thatconnected place.
Yeah, for sure.
So I hope that that's somethingthat you can talk about, that
you guys can look at and evengrab the resource.
We would love to hear what youthink as you're trying to ask
(36:47):
some questions of each other, toreconnect and grow in your
intimacy.
Kate Aldrich (36:52):
Yeah, absolutely.
Brad Aldrich (36:54):
So I hope you enjoyed that.
I hope some of that made youlaugh and we will be back next
week with more ways that you cancontinue to still become one
together.
Until next time, I'm BradAldrich.
Kate Aldrich (37:09):
And I'm Kate Aldrich.
Be kind and take care of eachother.
Brad Aldrich (37:15):
Still Becoming One is a production of Aldrich
Ministries.
For more information about Bradand Kate's coaching ministry
courses and speakingopportunities, you can find us
at aldrichministriescom.
For podcast show notes andlinks to resources in all of our
(37:36):
social media.
Be sure to visit us atstillbecomingonecom and don't
forget to like this episodewherever you get your podcasts,
and be sure to follow us tocontinue your journey on still
becoming one.
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