November 19, 2025 • 46 mins
The glow in your hand is quietly dimming the glow between you. We dive into how phones shape sex, sleep, attention, and intimacy—and the small, sustainable shifts that restore presence without demanding digital exile.
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Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_00 (00:04):
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast.
We are Brad and Kate.
SPEAKER_01 (00:10):
In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've
survived both dark times andexperienced restoration.
SPEAKER_00 (00:15):
Now, as a licensed marriage counselor and
relationship coaches, we helpcouples to regain hope and joy.
SPEAKER_01 (00:23):
We invite you to journey with us as we are still
becoming one.
SPEAKER_00 (00:27):
Let's start the conversation.
Hello everyone.
Welcome back to Still BecomingOne.
SPEAKER_03 (00:35):
Welcome back.
SPEAKER_00 (00:37):
We are glad that you're here again and yeah,
pursuing your marriage.
SPEAKER_01 (00:45):
Yes, that's a good thing.
SPEAKER_00 (00:47):
That is a good thing.
We're Yeah, you know, keeptrying to figure out what it
means to continue growing andcontinue working in our own
marriage.
SPEAKER_01 (01:00):
Yes.
How how I'm tired today.
How do you come today?
Let's do a check-in.
SPEAKER_00 (01:08):
Let's do a check-in.
So I um very occasionally, I'mso much better now, but very
occasionally I have some backissues.
And when I have back issues, itjust means I can't do much.
And I start, you know, kind offeeling pretty well very
(01:29):
quickly.
So um I I don't like having theability not to do anything.
So sure.
And that's that's some of it.
So this last weekend I was I washurting.
Um, and so just laying around,but having not having a choice,
just having to lay around, Idon't like.
Um, so I do wrestle with that.
(01:50):
And I think I yesterday, lastnight or whatever, I apologized
for being grumpy because I knowthat I can get grumpy when I'm
hurting.
So that's a little where I'm at.
SPEAKER_01 (02:01):
Okay, good check-in.
So laying around is fine if youhave the choice.
SPEAKER_00 (02:07):
Yeah, if I am choosing, like I'm going to take
this time to relax, I'm gonnachoose not to do anything fine.
I'm I'm great with that.
If it's I'm laying aroundbecause I'm hurting, like that's
never fun, right?
And um, you know, and there'sthis weird thing.
Anyone who has back issues, youknow, like you can maybe lay
still and it's fine, it doesn'tdo anything, but then you move
(02:30):
just a little bit and it's likeah, you know, and that it's that
kind of like constant reminderof like, oh, something's not
right.
SPEAKER_01 (02:39):
Okay.
I get that from the painperspective.
That's interesting.
But you know, and we've talkedabout this on the podcast
before, not that this is ourtopic today, but like for me, if
I'm actually legitimately sickor hurt, then laying around
feels okay.
SPEAKER_00 (02:55):
Interesting.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (02:57):
I I mean I feel like I can give myself permission,
even though it's still hard forme, like as a mom, um, and a
wife, more probably as a mom,although I'm not momming a lot
of people at home anymore.
Like I would always feel like Ishould be doing, like, there are
things that need done.
Like, I shouldn't be layingaround even though I feel awful.
(03:20):
So that's interesting.
SPEAKER_00 (03:22):
And some of it's probably because I've had a
couple of really busy weeks andI had some things on my to-do
list this weekend, and like oneof them got done.
And so it, you know, I thinkthat's some of it of like, okay,
we're gonna get to this andgonna get to this, and it didn't
happen, and just kind of feelingthat.
(03:44):
And I I think for me also justthe um I I don't know how to say
this, but like I end up feelinglike I'm 25 years older than I
am when I hurt my back, and Ithink that I don't like that
aspect of it of like like I'mmoving like grandpa versus me.
(04:07):
So like that's some of it too.
SPEAKER_01 (04:10):
Well, and and interesting, I said I'm tired.
I've been having a lot of tryingto figure out allergy issues,
trying to figure out medicationthat I used to take, all these
things.
And like my ears have been fullof fluid, which I've dealt with
since I was a little kid.
So it's not surprising, but it'sbeen bothering me a lot.
And so, you know, this morningI'm like looking up, can my
(04:31):
pillow be causing that?
Because I did just switchpillows.
Like, you want to talk aboutfeeling like you're an old
person.
I have been told from very earlyon, like my sinuses are like an
old, like literally.
They said the dentist said, Idon't I see this in geriatrics
when I was like in my 30s.
I was like, cool, I'm not in mygeriatrics stage yet.
(04:54):
But apparently my sinuses havemoved on to that stage at a very
so I get the like, yeah.
Sometimes your body, sometimesyour body, okay, Brad and I are
in our 40s, but sometimes yourbody feels like you're still 27
and you're like, this isamazing.
And then other days it's like,oh my word.
(05:15):
Yeah, I didn't I didn't thinkyou started feeling like this
until you were in your 70s, butapparently that's not the case.
SPEAKER_00 (05:22):
Yeah.
I am rapidly ending my 40s.
SPEAKER_01 (05:26):
I know, but I was like, hey, is he gonna let me
just say he's in his 40s?
You're not rapidly, it's notgoing any faster than it has any
other day.
It's just you're closer.
SPEAKER_03 (05:37):
Much much.
SPEAKER_01 (05:38):
Hey, it's okay.
unknown (05:40):
Yep.
SPEAKER_01 (05:41):
You're gonna be 50 and it's gonna be amazing
because you're amazing.
I appreciate that.
So all right, there's ourcheck-in.
And so you know we're here andwe're we're here, guys.
We're here.
SPEAKER_00 (05:54):
We're here.
So we had this greatconversation with Jay from Hot
Hole Humorous.
Yep, recently.
Yep.
Sex Chat for Christian Wivesjust the other day about the
some research on that couplesare having less sex.
SPEAKER_01 (06:10):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (06:11):
And one of the things that she raised, and we
didn't end up talking about awhole lot.
Um, I think this is actuallywhat the study actually raised
is the increased use of devicesand how that's for them and you
know, impacting sex life.
Yeah.
Um, I think you know, we need totalk about it probably on a
(06:31):
broader place of how how yourdevice impacts your marriage.
SPEAKER_01 (06:36):
Yes.
I and I think it's a reallyinteresting conversation.
I also loved the part that theyadded in the study because I do
see this a lot when I talk topeople about how it's disrupting
um sleep, hygiene, sleep, uh,pre-sleep patterns that you
would have previously done, um,and how it's impacting and it's
(06:59):
delaying when you wouldnecessarily go to sleep.
So it's not only impacting yourmarriage in ways that we'll talk
about, but it's also impacting,which makes sense, impacting
your life.
It's changing us.
SPEAKER_00 (07:13):
Yeah, absolutely it is.
We are recognizing that change.
We're seeing the fact that it isa change, and I think there's a
place where look where we justsaid how old we are.
We are certainly a place wherewe were a couple without devices
24-7.
(07:34):
But I think there's a now you'remaking us sound really old.
unknown (07:37):
Yeah, well, that's the case.
SPEAKER_01 (07:38):
It's true.
Okay.
SPEAKER_00 (07:40):
Um, there are a lot of couples that their whole
relationship, their whole life,has been with these devices.
So even trying to think throughwhat it means differently.
And and I want to start.
We are not going to say, like,don't have them, right?
I think that's way too easy ofan answer.
SPEAKER_01 (08:02):
Easy.
Everyone would just turn us off.
It's not nobody would do that.
Devices, yeah, they have becomepart of our lives.
SPEAKER_00 (08:11):
And there's a lot of good things about our devices,
right?
Like that we're able to contacteach other, communicate easily
with each other, share funnythings with each other, it like
kind of things.
There are real positives inrelationships.
And then there's lots ofproblems.
SPEAKER_01 (08:33):
Okay.
Okay.
Yeah.
And I I don't think um sayingget rid of your devices would
would help anybody.
So we're like that conversationisn't even.
I mean, I realize some people onthe fringe believe that, and of
course, go for it if that's whatyou feel you can achieve.
But for most of us out there tosurvive literally in your
(08:56):
businesses, in your personallives, like they're going to be,
they're going devices are goingto be in your lives.
SPEAKER_00 (09:04):
Right.
And there's an expectation thatwe have some access to them.
And so just, you know, puttingthem away probably isn't a
reality, right?
And even like I think in thepast, is that what you mean by
get rid of them?
Yeah, like just put them away ordon't have them come in the
bedroom or like those kind ofthings.
SPEAKER_01 (09:22):
Okay, okay.
SPEAKER_00 (09:22):
Like gotcha.
I have to think about you know,I have used my device as my
alarm clock for the last likefive years.
So you know, that that is there.
I it's also a way, like I have Iput mine on do not disturb,
starting at a specific time, butmy kids and you are able to get
(09:45):
through that do not disturb,right?
That's a setting you can do,right?
Like, so that means if my phonerings in the middle of the
night, it's one of our kids,right?
SPEAKER_01 (09:54):
Right.
SPEAKER_00 (09:54):
And I want to be able to have that.
SPEAKER_01 (09:56):
If I'm calling you in the middle of the night, it
means I'm calling you from rightnext to you, and that's creepy.
SPEAKER_00 (09:59):
That's weird.
Call comes from inside thehouse.
Stop.
SPEAKER_01 (10:02):
That's exactly what I was thinking.
The call is coming from theother side of the bed, friend.
unknown (10:08):
Okay.
SPEAKER_01 (10:09):
Okay.
SPEAKER_00 (10:10):
So I like I do realize we're not going to just
eliminate them or eliminate themfrom the bedroom.
So, how do couples manage thisthing that is happening?
And and maybe even we need totalk a little bit of what it is.
You started saying it'simpacting sleep and sleep
hygiene.
Say a little bit more aboutthat.
SPEAKER_01 (10:32):
Well, according to the study, I mean, I have my own
thoughts, but the study wassaying like it's delaying your
sleep in some aspects, and it'salso changed your sleep routine.
SPEAKER_03 (10:42):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (10:43):
Whereas I think previously, even our generation,
I won't I won't even talk beyondthat because I I feel like
that's that's so far removedfrom what society is today.
You know, if you watched TV inthe evenings, which is what a
lot of families would do, thenyou turn that off and go into
your bedroom.
You could be watching it in yourbedroom, that's true.
(11:06):
But there's a turn it off,there's a get up, use the
bathroom, brush your teeth, washyour face, whatever your sleep
routine looked like.
Change into your pajamas.
Believe it or not, these arethings I talk to people about
that also have changed, but I dosee them as direct correlation
to phones in many, many ways.
(11:26):
Some of them happen, like I sawour teenagers do that.
Sometimes it is just uh theacceptance of comfy clothes in
life.
Like, I'm already in comfyclothes.
What do I need to change?
I mean, that definitelyhappened, but usually adults
start to get themselves into ahabit of like changing their
clothes or right, but that allchanges if we're just on our
(11:49):
phone for a really long periodof time and we're like, oh now
I'm tired, so I just slap itdown.
And then, first of all, it's howmany hours later than you should
have, or you know is good foryou to go to sleep.
And now I'm not doing anyroutine that tells my body this
is a different time.
SPEAKER_00 (12:06):
Right.
SPEAKER_01 (12:07):
Right?
SPEAKER_00 (12:07):
Like this is so we're using phones to put us to
sleep, and I am guilty of this.
I like there are times I'm I'myou know, kind of using it to
check out and and put myself tosleep.
Um, you tend to use reading insome of that place of like you
(12:30):
know, pulling out your Kindleand reading to get tired.
SPEAKER_03 (12:36):
Yes.
SPEAKER_00 (12:36):
Um, I don't like doing that.
Like I will read my book atnight, um, but then I get to a
stage where I'm like, if I keepreading, I'm not gonna know
what's going on.
And I don't like that.
SPEAKER_01 (12:49):
Okay, dude, I do that all the time, and I'm like,
and then uh the if I'm supertired for like a week, I read
the same two pages all weekbecause then I don't the next
morning, I'm like, I don'tremember reading, or not the
next morning, the next night, Idon't remember reading this, so
I gotta reread it again.
I don't remember reading this,but yeah, it's my it's just my
(13:10):
way to get my brain and my bodyto calm down.
And it is better, right?
SPEAKER_00 (13:15):
Like even on a Kindle, it's still better for
your body than the stim constantstimulation of and I will say I
have to be cautious if I'm usingsocial media.
I'm usually pretty choosy aboutwhich one.
Um and avoiding stress-filledpolitical things or social
(13:40):
commentary things, or you know,organizations I follow, like
sure uh those at night are notgonna help me to get into that
that routine.
But everything that we'retalking about is individual.
Right.
Every part of that, and and Ithink that's one of the things
that phones do is push people toless communication and more
(14:04):
individual sleep pattern.
SPEAKER_01 (14:07):
Right.
And and it's just a, you know, Imean, we there's the education
part of it, like understandingthat screens are always gonna
stimulate, even though, andpeople say, but it does help me
fall asleep, or I can fallasleep in front of the TV
better.
And I will tell you, like, Isometimes, if I'm alone and want
to take a nap, I will turn onthe TV for the noise.
(14:29):
Yeah, right.
But I'm not watching it.
I actually literally am turningit on and laying down because
sometimes complete quiet is hardfor people.
It is, it's just disarming and Irecognize it.
SPEAKER_00 (14:43):
I do that when I'm taking a nap because it actually
keeps me in a lighter sleep.
SPEAKER_01 (14:48):
Oh, interesting.
SPEAKER_00 (14:50):
About it.
SPEAKER_01 (14:51):
Interesting.
SPEAKER_00 (14:51):
Like, I'm gonna turn something on that's going to
keep me in that this space of alittle bit lighter sleep idea
because I just want to take alittle bit of a nap and I don't
want to like zonk out.
So I agree with that, but Ithink then there is that that
place where that doesn't allowyou to sleep to deep sleep,
right?
SPEAKER_01 (15:11):
And and I'm assuming you know more about this than me
as a clinician.
Like, does um that your brainprocess that very differently
than like noise machines?
SPEAKER_00 (15:21):
Oh, yeah, because the noise machine is actually
canceling out noise, and the wayit works in it in your body is
because it's the same sound allthe time, your body very quickly
goes, Oh, I'm not payingattention to that.
SPEAKER_01 (15:38):
But it also gives you the non-silent right so it's
silence.
SPEAKER_00 (15:42):
Well, it the problem with silence is it is it lets
all the other noises comethrough, and so then unique
noises your body hears.
SPEAKER_01 (15:51):
Your kid trying to tiptoe down the stairs, and
every one of our children has adifferent kind of tiptoeing, and
you're like, who's up?
What are they doing?
What's going on?
SPEAKER_00 (16:01):
Right, or the the water pipe that's clicking
because the heat or the car thatdrove down the road, like you
hear each one of those as uniquesounds, and then that gets
processed.
SPEAKER_01 (16:11):
Gotcha.
SPEAKER_00 (16:11):
Where yeah, we use a sound machine because it does
tend to block out those and yourbody usually ignores that
constant same sound.
Um, so I find that incrediblyhelpful.
SPEAKER_01 (16:26):
Um well, now that I'm used to it, I do too.
I wouldn't I didn't ever grow upwith anything like that as a
kid, although I don't feel likesound machines were a thing when
we were kids.
SPEAKER_00 (16:36):
Um, I didn't grow up like we were just made for
therapists' office when I wasgrowing up.
SPEAKER_01 (16:41):
Well, we grew up in an old farmhouse, so we did have
room air conditioners in thesummer.
And I did sometimes notice thedifference then when they were
gone.
It was like, wow, it feels sostill and quiet in here.
Um, when when we would take themout for getting cold.
But yeah, it's just aninteresting.
So, anyways, just thinking aboutthat and thinking about your
(17:04):
sleep.
SPEAKER_00 (17:04):
Sleep and sleep hygiene is a super important
thing for couples to recognizeimpacts them, their
relationship, and their health.
Um, so I think that's important,but it is not necessarily this
topic of how it's impacting themas a couple.
SPEAKER_01 (17:26):
Well, you just said something important, like how
well you sleep is going toimpact you as a couple.
SPEAKER_03 (17:31):
Sure.
SPEAKER_01 (17:31):
And as you get older, as Brad and I recognize
like I I would have neverbelieved this as a teenager or a
young adult, but sleep getsharder to have good sleep.
SPEAKER_03 (17:40):
Yes.
SPEAKER_01 (17:41):
So I the reason I thought it was good to just stop
there and pause there is youneed to figure out a sleep
routine, like, and you need totry and stick to it.
And I sometimes get off of mineand I can be on my phone and
then I'm like, ugh, I need toget back to reading, right?
Because I recognize I don'tsleep as well.
SPEAKER_00 (17:59):
Correct.
SPEAKER_01 (18:00):
So I'm just encouraging that.
You need to give your body thatopportunity to like, this is
something different.
This is a time I'm getting readyfor sleep, not, you know, you
can be on your phone all theother times, but we're gonna
talk about that now.
So just knowing that, I think,is huge.
SPEAKER_00 (18:16):
What do you would you say is uh what does it look
like for couples to use bedtimewell?
Right?
And and I think that the studythat we're talking about is hey,
couples have less sex somewhatbecause of phones.
Um I I think there is a culturalconnection to nighttime and sex
(18:43):
um that has happened for areally long time that is like
okay, we're getting ready forbed, now we're gonna have sex.
I I think we've said this for along time.
That doesn't tend to work for alot of couples.
SPEAKER_01 (18:57):
Yeah, right?
SPEAKER_00 (18:58):
Like this cultural it is a cultural thing that is
unfortunately, I think doesn'twork because you're exhausted,
you're tired, um it's the end ofthe day, you're supposed to be
thinking about rest and sleep,but you know, getting stuck
thinking about like, oh wait,now I have to figure out desire.
(19:23):
How I how do I pay attention tothat?
Like that's a whole challenge.
SPEAKER_01 (19:30):
Well, I don't think it has to be, right?
Because again, I think thedevices are doing that, they are
contributing to that.
And we've had TVs since we'veever been born.
Right.
Um, and our parents were thegeneration where getting a TV
was a big deal.
And you need to remember, likeyou're still delaying what we
(19:53):
would consider bedtime.
But for many couples, if youweren't doing that, you were
heading to bed and you weren't,you were maybe still tired from
the day, but you weren'texhausted because you weren't
going to bed at 10 p.m.
Right.
And I will say, when you and Ihad littles, and we were really
trying to prioritize ourmarriage, we started most of the
(20:16):
time, like I would say like 80%of the time, once we had them in
bed, we went up to our bedroom.
SPEAKER_00 (20:23):
Right.
SPEAKER_01 (20:24):
Right.
So we didn't sit in the livingroom and watch TV for a while.
That would have been only you ata smartphone because you were
working a job where that waslike we just, yeah, it wasn't
something we could afford atthat time.
So that didn't enter in so muchfor us.
But up there, it was connectiontime.
And and do we want to watch ashow together?
(20:45):
Like, and that could very wellbe, but that for us created more
time to figure out potential sexand we weren't exhausted.
Yes.
Um, also, of course, we did findother times of the day mourning
were helpful when we couldfigure that out with little
(21:05):
kids.
Like that is a challenge whenyou're just the two of you
before you have kids.
There is more freedom in time ofday and whatnot based on your
schedules.
SPEAKER_00 (21:16):
So I I mean, I think that's one challenge in this
that we've heard forever isheading to bed, and one person
is thinking, oh, well, maybe wecan have sex, and the other
person it's not even in theirmindset, like that can be a
really challenging time forcouples.
SPEAKER_01 (21:36):
Well, and one of the other things that we did, and
again, we are not prescribingthese are the only way to go,
but we were intentional, and solike that led to certain
decisions.
Our kids, before they couldrecognize it, and maybe even a
little bit when they couldrecognize it, went to bed really
early.
unknown (21:55):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (21:56):
Because we found through trial and error that
they still got up at like 5 or 6a.m.
So it was like, okay, well, ifwe put you to bed at nine, you
get up at six.
I think it was more six.
We didn't usually have 5 a.m.
or thank goodness.
If we put you to bed at 7:30,you still get up at 6.
So we were like, actually, it'smore sleep for you and more time
(22:17):
for us.
Right.
This is actually a reallyhealthy thing.
I honor I have lots of peoplesay, my kids don't do that, and
I I don't want to be judged.
I'm not judging.
I get it.
And once you get your kids intoa habit, it's really hard to
change it.
SPEAKER_03 (22:31):
It is.
SPEAKER_01 (22:32):
I would speak to those people having young
kiddos.
Try to get them on that scheduleso that you aren't completely
exhausted all the time when youput them to bed now.
I'm not talking about whenthey're infants and stuff like
that.
You're they're you're just gonnabe completely exhausted.
But you know, kind of thinkingthrough that and creating that
(22:53):
space, yeah.
It's not gonna get created foryou.
SPEAKER_00 (22:56):
No.
SPEAKER_01 (22:57):
So being intentional is huge.
SPEAKER_00 (22:59):
Creating that space.
So what is it if if one person,you know, walks in and sees
their spouse on their phone?
Back to the phones, becausethat's where we're talking
about.
Like, how do you have thatconversation?
Because I think we, you know,we've had it a lot, you know,
that it's like it just feelslike you're on your phone a lot.
(23:22):
How do you how do you have thatconversation in a good way?
SPEAKER_01 (23:26):
I feel a lot of couples are having this
conversation, and of course itgoes-every couple is having this
conversation, most likely,right?
And it goes in a cycle, right?
And there are times you're likefine with it, and then you get
frustrated, and I'm sure ithappens on both ends, right?
And I don't know how many timesI've been in a session with a
couple and one will kind of jabit at the one and the other one
(23:47):
will say, Well, same two, right?
Right?
Just different, right?
Because, you know, arounddifferent things, different
habits, different, or you know,you're on social media, oh yeah,
well, you play games the wholetime.
Right?
Like it kind of and it, yes, weall have our things, so let's
just honor that.
It is a part of life.
SPEAKER_00 (24:06):
I think that is the exact first step is recognizing,
hey, this is a both thing now,right?
And go it and start theconversation going, I'm
recognizing that my phone use isimpacting us as a couple.
I think we both probably havesome stuff to do here.
(24:28):
How do we make this better?
Right.
Like if it comes out assomething that we're going to do
together, it's so different thanan accusation.
SPEAKER_01 (24:36):
Right.
I also think it's really good.
Like, we all feel convictionabout it.
Like, let's, unless you're lyingto yourself, you feel conviction
about it.
So, like, what do you want to doto regulate your own?
Because what like I want thecouples to have a conversation,
but what might work for oneisn't necessarily going to work
for the other.
Um, I regulate myself by like,yeah, I don't I say to myself,
(25:00):
this isn't what I want to bedoing with my time.
SPEAKER_00 (25:03):
Right.
SPEAKER_01 (25:03):
I kind of look at that as a waste of time.
At times I'm like, I am justwasting the time I have, right?
This isn't adding to me.
Sometimes it's phenomenal, andI'm watching funny videos.
That's what I tend to do, orplay stupid block blast that my
19-year-old daughter got meinto.
I don't do games and it's theonly game on my my phone and I
(25:24):
play it.
Um, but like, and I just say tomyself, enough.
Like, this isn't what I want todo.
Where it's around bedtime, I'mjust like, I monitor it by how
well I'm sleeping.
Right.
And so I think it is each personneeds to decide like, how am I
going to monitor that?
I know some people can use thethe timer thing, and that's what
(25:47):
I've done.
Timer.
There's also the brick thingthat you can talk about that.
SPEAKER_00 (25:52):
But like I had for a long time put a timer, I had an
hour of social media a day.
And look, the way I have it setup, and you don't have to do
this, is then it tells you, youknow, you've used an hour.
Do you want to keep going?
And one of the things that Irecognized, and I told you this
a couple months ago, I washitting that hour every day.
(26:16):
And I got frustrated by that.
Like, I'm like, wow, I'm usingthis a whole lot.
So I lowered it to 45 minuteswith my goal of not hitting it.
And then for the last honestly,uh, ever since I did that, I am
not, I'm not hitting it anymore.
Um, which I'm really glad forbecause I just recognized it was
(26:39):
taking up a lot more space thanI wanted to give it.
SPEAKER_03 (26:43):
Sure.
SPEAKER_00 (26:43):
Um, but I had to, and I mean, I'm being totally
vulnerable here.
In order to get there, I had todelete it off my phone for a
week to break the habit.
It is addicting.
Social media is made to beaddicting.
Sure.
And so then there's this habitof like you jump to it all the
time, you jump, you know, and Itook it off my phone, kind of
(27:05):
like, okay, I'm gonna reset.
And then when I put it back onmy phone, honestly, because I
needed to post some things and Iwanted to see how it was looking
and all that kind of stuff.
SPEAKER_01 (27:14):
That's yeah, that's challenge.
SPEAKER_00 (27:16):
When I when I did that, I reset the timer and
went, okay, I don't want to, I'mgonna set it for 45 minutes and
I don't want to hit it.
And I certainly don't want togive myself more than that.
Because of that same thing, of Irecognize there's some benefit
of it, there's some positives ofit, but there's a place where
it's too much.
And I think this is the place ofthe conversation is everybody
(27:42):
knows that it's an issue intheir life.
When somebody else tells youit's an issue in your life, we
get defensive.
SPEAKER_03 (27:52):
Right.
SPEAKER_00 (27:52):
When somebody says, Hey, I want us to figure this
out, I need some help figuringout, I want us to figure this
out, I think it's becomes moreof a conversation.
SPEAKER_01 (28:04):
Yeah, for sure.
Um but I think I what I saidbefore, I maintain like coming
with your own ideas, like howright, and then being able to
adjust them if it if thatdoesn't work for you.
I don't do any timers, I judgeit.
The other thing is like I alsotalk to clients about is like
how do you feel after you'vegotten off of there?
(28:26):
Right.
And part of what we need to doas a society, and we talked
about this with Jay, is actuallyhonor what we feel in our
bodies, like and actually try tounderstand what we feel in our
bodies.
Do you feel better?
Uh the only time I honestly feelbetter is if I've connected with
someone like friend in aconversation, which most times I
(28:47):
can do that, not on socialmedia, to I do enjoy funny
videos, like and I feel lighterafter I've watched them.
I mean, with the world rightnow, reading anything political,
I don't feel better.
I usually feel heightened, Iusually feel irritated, like
doesn't matter which way youvote.
(29:09):
I think probably most peoplewould say that.
SPEAKER_00 (29:12):
So um both sides are there, you know.
I I agree.
It's it is vastly different thanwhat social media was originally
billed as, as a place to connectwith your friends.
And I used to say that, like,oh, I had friends that I hadn't
seen for a long time, that wekind of know what each other's
doing.
(29:32):
Well, that's mostly gone.
Like really?
I don't have a whole lot of thatmuch anymore.
SPEAKER_01 (29:38):
Oh, I love that part.
I still I still love that part.
I still like connecting withpeople, even if they're in the
area that I don't see very Ishould preface that.
I like connecting with pictures.
As I've said on here, and and weused to say on one flesh
marriage, like, I am aprofessional photographer too,
although I don't do very muchanymore, um, just because of.
(30:00):
Last couple years of life, likeI had to put that on the back
burner and and and that's justbeen fine.
So, but like I love seeingpeople's pictures, that's just a
way I connect.
So um that's what I findfascinating.
I follow a lot of photographersand those kinds of things, so
that's just kind of what drawsme in more than somebody's post
(30:22):
about whatever they think aboutsomething.
It's more seeing their postabout what's happening with
their kiddos.
SPEAKER_00 (30:28):
And I use it a lot of times in my I've said I'm
ADHD.
Um, so one of the fact thethings about ADHD is
hyperfixations, right?
We get focused on a hobby, ainterest, a something, and then
you know, go down that rabbithole.
Um, and I have learned I don'tknow what you're talking about.
(30:49):
I have no, yeah, I know youdon't.
I I've learned like, okay, I'mgonna use those rabbit holes for
good things, for positivethings.
And so at various times, if youlooked at my feeds, they would
be plants or they would be, youknow, whatever I was learning at
the time that I wanted to learnabout.
(31:12):
Um yep, yeah, you know, and soI'd you know have some YouTubers
or podcasts about those kind ofthings that I was learning.
And I enjoy that.
I like that it's a way for me tokind of relax and stimulate my
brain in the same way.
And I think there's some good inthat.
Sure.
Um, I think we have to becautious of those things.
SPEAKER_01 (31:35):
Yeah, sure.
SPEAKER_00 (31:36):
Of course, with our conversation with Jay, we were
saying, um, you know, obviouslyit was coming out of this study
of couples having less sex.
Um I would say if you are thelower drive spouse and you would
(31:56):
be interested in finding moretime to connect and potentially
have more sex, then going toyour spouse and saying, Hey, I
think our phones, and the key isour phones, are keeping us from
connecting and having more sex.
I think that could be a reallypositive conversation.
(32:18):
If you are the higher drivespouse, I don't know that I
would start the conversationthat way.
SPEAKER_01 (32:26):
Okay.
SPEAKER_00 (32:28):
But I think it could be a positive way of saying, I
want to connect with you more.
Sure.
And I think sometimes our phonesget in the way.
And I I can't tell you a couplethat that's not happening to.
I I think phones are getting inthe way of connecting.
SPEAKER_01 (32:48):
Well, and that's that's the part that I thought
was interesting.
And obviously, they were justdoing the study on sex, which
kind of makes sense.
But I would imagine there arelots of things that are less in
your relationship due to phones.
In all of your relationships,right?
Like it just there is a plus tothe phones that we can text
(33:14):
immediately, we can haveconnection with someone quickly,
but also probably connectionsare are paying the price.
Like it's not just sex that'spaying the price.
Yeah.
No, all kinds of things arepaying the price.
So, and I think that's importantto remember.
SPEAKER_00 (33:32):
Yeah.
And I we do it.
I I want to acknowledge we doit.
I think we see all kinds ofcouples doing it that they
actually like are on a datetogether and they pick up their
phones.
SPEAKER_01 (33:46):
Oh, I struggle with that for sure.
Not because you're notinteresting, but because it's a
habit.
SPEAKER_00 (33:50):
Yep.
And that that issue, like, youknow, you're sitting together on
the sofa watching somethingtogether and on your phone.
And well, we do this too.
Like, I'm not I'm totally notpointing fingers, more going,
there is a place where it fillsa gap that allows us to
(34:13):
disassociate, to disconnect fromwhat our brains and bodies are
feeling, and then it you knowkind of fills that gap.
Yeah.
So we never feel the feeling of,oh, I would love to connect with
you.
I'm feeling lonely.
We don't actually feel thatfeeling because our phone is
right there to fill that lonelyvoid.
SPEAKER_01 (34:33):
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Yep, people are feeling morelonely than ever.
SPEAKER_00 (34:37):
Yes.
Right?
SPEAKER_01 (34:38):
Because it doesn't, it doesn't really fill it, it
just prolongs it and it itdisassociates us from the
lonely.
Right.
And it makes it feel deeper andwider when you're done
disassociating.
SPEAKER_00 (34:49):
Correct.
So I think that's the challengeis we're using it to check out.
SPEAKER_03 (34:56):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (34:57):
And it can be appropriate, but I think we have
to be very cautious in how muchwe're checking out in real life.
SPEAKER_01 (35:05):
Yeah, for sure.
For sure.
Yeah.
And so, you know, you guyshaving the conversation around
phones in a healthy way, beingcurious, trying to understand
for your spouse where it becomesa pitfall, for you where it
becomes a pitfall, instead ofjust seeing it as the enemy,
like trying to understand.
(35:26):
And then for you as individuals,realizing like if your spouse is
saying it trying to be curiousand understanding, not just
feeling offended.
Yeah.
Right?
Like, oh, okay, she's justalways nagging me about my
phone.
SPEAKER_00 (35:43):
Okay, well, be curious about why that is.
Yeah, like and what's thepositive on the other side,
right?
Because if somebody's naggingyou about your phone, it's
probably because they reallymiss you.
SPEAKER_01 (35:58):
True.
For sure.
I mean, I think it also isself-reflective of some
challenges you may have in yourown life.
That's why I'm saying, like, weha it has to start with us
first.
It can't start with pointingfingers.
We have to, right?
And there has to be a desire tomonitor it.
Right.
There, that's the way we doanything in life, right?
Like, we don't want to beworkaholics.
(36:20):
We don't want to be whatever,like, right?
We have to monitor things.
And and not in a way that thatbecomes the newest thing, but
that's what we do in life.
And the phone is now justanother thing we get to add to
that list.
Yes.
And the phone, and then what'son the phone.
unknown (36:39):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (36:39):
Right.
Because you could be doing workon your phone, you could be
doing social media on yourphone.
You could be doing games on yourphone.
Right.
I know the phones have createdfor me my high responsibility
from my story and make sure youdo it right.
Yep.
As soon as someone texts me, assoon as someone emails emails
(37:00):
me, mainly where work isregarded.
Like with friends, I feel alittle, I've worked through
that.
I can be like, oh, I can answerthat tomorrow or whatever.
And certainly at night, I'mpretty good at that.
Even if it comes through, Ileave it.
I don't, I don't feel the needto engage it.
But work, I feel that pressurebecause we have become a society
(37:21):
of I sent these people aninformation form.
Like this happens to us all thetime.
And please know our heart is toat Aldrich Ministries is to get
to our clients as quick aspossible.
But there is this like I sentyou a form or an email or an
interest.
SPEAKER_00 (37:40):
10 minutes ago.
Right.
Why didn't I get something back?
SPEAKER_01 (37:43):
And it's just well, I wouldn't say it's 10 minutes.
It's definitely like, I did ityesterday.
Why have I not heard back?
And while I honor that, it'salso like, okay, we are an
instant gratification society,whether that's instant
gratification for things that welove or things that the help
that we all of the sudden decidethat we want.
(38:06):
And I do think we need to stepback and say, it's okay.
Like there is a reasonableamount of time, you know, and
and so it's yeah, I've I feelthat pull as well.
SPEAKER_00 (38:19):
You mentioned the uh the brick before.
Uh, I'll put a link in thepodcast uh in the show notes
because uh, you know, I haveplayed around with it with it, I
have one, I know our son uses itsometimes.
Um, and it is a device thatessentially you can choose to
lock parts of your phone atdifferent times.
(38:43):
And so you could, for instance,if work is something that is
feels like it's invading all ofyour personal space, sure, you
could use the brick to lock thework emails, the work phone
calls, like you know, kind ofthing, um, so that only other
things go on.
(39:04):
I know some people, you know,will lock social media.
And so essentially what you dois you tap this device, and then
when you walk away, it's lockeduntil you go back and tap it
again.
So you you know, leave it in theon the refrigerator or something
like that.
It's not that it's foreverlocked, but there's an
intentional unlocking processrather than just the habit of
(39:28):
like, oh yeah, I'm gonna flipthat on.
SPEAKER_01 (39:31):
Well, and it's almost like if I can't, like
with me, I can't resist that I'mgonna have to answer it.
SPEAKER_00 (39:36):
Yes.
SPEAKER_01 (39:37):
Then I don't actually know it's there until I
have decided this is my worktime and this is the time that
I'm right.
And I think our oldest would notcare if we shared this.
I thought it was so funny.
Um, because you got him one,he's used it.
I don't know what else he's usedit for, but he said, I'm using
it for church because he and hisdad and his brother and friends
(39:58):
all keep track of football,European football and not
American football.
And he's like, I just can't notcheck the scores during church,
and I don't want to do that.
And I was like, that'shilarious.
So right, but like he has itthen that he can't have access
to the scores until church isdone.
And that's something he wantedto set for himself.
Right.
And I'm like, right, because wehave access to everything
(40:22):
instantly.
Yes.
And it it's it's amazing in someways, and other times it's
really good a challenge.
SPEAKER_00 (40:30):
Yeah.
So I I would encourage out ofthis is couples just having a
conversation of how is socialmedia, how is phone impacting
our connection and impacting oursex life.
SPEAKER_01 (40:43):
Right.
And not just social media,because we need to make it
broader than that.
You guys need to talk or ownwhat are the pitfalls for you on
there, because some people comehome and they're never on social
media and all they're ever doingis checking their work emails.
Yep.
And their spouse feels like, Ihave lost you all day to work,
(41:04):
and then, which is we honor andwe understand, then we come home
and I've also lost you to work,right?
And it's like, so whatever itmay be, right?
We just need to honor for eachof us what is that and how is it
impacting our marriage, and thentherefore impacting our sex
life.
SPEAKER_00 (41:21):
Right.
And I really, really want toencourage, don't start that
conversation by pointing thefinger, but start it by saying
I'm realizing.
Right.
SPEAKER_01 (41:31):
Or I'm realizing I do.
SPEAKER_00 (41:33):
Yeah.
We're both there.
We're both do it at times.
There are places that you may beunaware of it, there are places
that your spouse is unaware ofit.
So start the conversation of howdo we make sure that we have
time together that it does notimpact us, right?
Like we definitely are veryintentional around our date
(41:55):
night.
Um, you know, I don't think wepick up the phone at all.
SPEAKER_01 (42:01):
Um I do.
But I tend to I tend to likeregulate myself and to put it
down, right?
And I honestly I wonder ifbecause of um will I ever be
able to do this?
I don't know.
I do feel the pressure first toleave it out as a mom.
I've always felt that because ondate nights we would leave them,
(42:22):
or they were in recent years allhome alone.
So that's lots of opportunitiesfor fun things, right?
And I would just feel like Ineed to be available.
There were dynamics at homehere.
And then now it's like I stillfeel that they're all off at
college.
Um, but they have learned, andwe have one kiddo who can be
very like, hey, just text you.
(42:43):
What's the deal?
And it's like, calm down.
But uh just having it theremakes me then want to pick it
up, right?
So then I have to be like, Ijust have it out for the kids
and I'm not gonna look at itunless we get a text.
The other thing that I will tellyou that I have learned is
really good with that, believeit or not, and I know people
have different thoughts on this.
Having the Apple Watch, then Ican put my phone in my purse.
SPEAKER_00 (43:07):
Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (43:08):
And if one of the kids texts me, I can pull it
out.
Right?
Because I'm not apt to do thingson my watch.
I don't hardly ever except tosee what is happening on my
phone.
Right.
So I can look at it and be like,oh, that's not a kiddo, that's
not a concern.
I'm not promoting it.
I'm just saying that's been ahelpful tool to me.
(43:30):
Um, and then I don't feel like Ihave to constantly be attached
to my phone.
unknown (43:34):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (43:34):
So I do know I struggle with that when we're
out.
SPEAKER_00 (43:37):
But I think it's something we all have to know
where we struggle and how do youmake it a priority?
And you know, we try not to uhthere are times that we're out
at restaurants or stuff andwe're like, oh, okay, look at
that couple.
Like, you know, I we can't helpit.
Like, but there are times thatwe've seen couples sitting there
(43:59):
clearly on a date and justengrossed in their own phones,
yeah.
And it's like, wow, you know,they're actually creating the
time and the space to go outtogether, and what happens is
not connection, right?
And I think that is a biggerissue of, you know, one, it's
(44:20):
just so easy, so simple.
And two, I think a lot ofcouples have lost that ability
to know how to connect.
They don't know what to do, andthey don't know where to even
start.
And that's actually why Kate andI um ended up this uh year
(44:41):
publishing a book of questionsum for couples that we found a
lot of couples just need to knowwhat conversations to have other
than about the kids.
SPEAKER_01 (44:54):
Sure.
SPEAKER_00 (44:54):
Right?
So they'd go, they'd have theconversations about the kids,
they'd maybe talk about work,and then they'd be like, uh I
don't know, right?
Like so um we put together awhole book of different
questions that you can use andwould you rather, you know, all
kinds of things that just aredesigned to get some
conversation going.
(45:15):
So if you're one of thosecouples that's like, man, I
don't know what I would dowithout this, um, I'll put a
link in the show notes as well.
SPEAKER_03 (45:24):
Yeah, for sure.
SPEAKER_00 (45:25):
Just you know, questions for couples is what
it's called, and you can findout on Amazon.
Um, and it could be somethingwhere you use to kind of break
some of that habit.
Just ask one question andhopefully have a conversation.
SPEAKER_01 (45:39):
Yeah, absolutely.
SPEAKER_00 (45:40):
It's important um to do so.
Hey, I hope you guys are able touse this to get some more
conversations started andcontinue in your growth as
you're walking through reallytrying to use this to become
more one together and connecteach other.
(46:01):
Until next time, I'm BradAldrich.
SPEAKER_01 (46:04):
And I'm Kate Aldridge.
Be kind and take care of eachother.
SPEAKER_00 (46:12):
Still Becoming One is a production of Aldridge
Ministries.
For more information about Bradand Kate's coaching ministry,
courses, and speakingopportunities, you can find us
at Aldridge Ministries.com.
For podcast show notes and linksto resources in all of our
social media, be sure to visitus at stillbecoming one.com.
(46:34):
And don't forget to like thisepisode wherever you get your
podcasts.
And be sure to follow us tocontinue your journey on Still
Becoming One.
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast.
We are Brad and Kate.
SPEAKER_01 (00:10):
In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've
survived both dark times andexperienced restoration.
SPEAKER_00 (00:15):
Now, as a licensed marriage counselor and
relationship coaches, we helpcouples to regain hope and joy.
SPEAKER_01 (00:23):
We invite you to journey with us as we are still
becoming one.
SPEAKER_00 (00:27):
Let's start the conversation.
Hello everyone.
Welcome back to Still BecomingOne.
SPEAKER_03 (00:35):
Welcome back.
SPEAKER_00 (00:37):
We are glad that you're here again and yeah,
pursuing your marriage.
SPEAKER_01 (00:45):
Yes, that's a good thing.
SPEAKER_00 (00:47):
That is a good thing.
We're Yeah, you know, keeptrying to figure out what it
means to continue growing andcontinue working in our own
marriage.
SPEAKER_01 (01:00):
Yes.
How how I'm tired today.
How do you come today?
Let's do a check-in.
SPEAKER_00 (01:08):
Let's do a check-in.
So I um very occasionally, I'mso much better now, but very
occasionally I have some backissues.
And when I have back issues, itjust means I can't do much.
And I start, you know, kind offeeling pretty well very
(01:29):
quickly.
So um I I don't like having theability not to do anything.
So sure.
And that's that's some of it.
So this last weekend I was I washurting.
Um, and so just laying around,but having not having a choice,
just having to lay around, Idon't like.
Um, so I do wrestle with that.
(01:50):
And I think I yesterday, lastnight or whatever, I apologized
for being grumpy because I knowthat I can get grumpy when I'm
hurting.
So that's a little where I'm at.
SPEAKER_01 (02:01):
Okay, good check-in.
So laying around is fine if youhave the choice.
SPEAKER_00 (02:07):
Yeah, if I am choosing, like I'm going to take
this time to relax, I'm gonnachoose not to do anything fine.
I'm I'm great with that.
If it's I'm laying aroundbecause I'm hurting, like that's
never fun, right?
And um, you know, and there'sthis weird thing.
Anyone who has back issues, youknow, like you can maybe lay
still and it's fine, it doesn'tdo anything, but then you move
(02:30):
just a little bit and it's likeah, you know, and that it's that
kind of like constant reminderof like, oh, something's not
right.
SPEAKER_01 (02:39):
Okay.
I get that from the painperspective.
That's interesting.
But you know, and we've talkedabout this on the podcast
before, not that this is ourtopic today, but like for me, if
I'm actually legitimately sickor hurt, then laying around
feels okay.
SPEAKER_00 (02:55):
Interesting.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (02:57):
I I mean I feel like I can give myself permission,
even though it's still hard forme, like as a mom, um, and a
wife, more probably as a mom,although I'm not momming a lot
of people at home anymore.
Like I would always feel like Ishould be doing, like, there are
things that need done.
Like, I shouldn't be layingaround even though I feel awful.
(03:20):
So that's interesting.
SPEAKER_00 (03:22):
And some of it's probably because I've had a
couple of really busy weeks andI had some things on my to-do
list this weekend, and like oneof them got done.
And so it, you know, I thinkthat's some of it of like, okay,
we're gonna get to this andgonna get to this, and it didn't
happen, and just kind of feelingthat.
(03:44):
And I I think for me also justthe um I I don't know how to say
this, but like I end up feelinglike I'm 25 years older than I
am when I hurt my back, and Ithink that I don't like that
aspect of it of like like I'mmoving like grandpa versus me.
(04:07):
So like that's some of it too.
SPEAKER_01 (04:10):
Well, and and interesting, I said I'm tired.
I've been having a lot of tryingto figure out allergy issues,
trying to figure out medicationthat I used to take, all these
things.
And like my ears have been fullof fluid, which I've dealt with
since I was a little kid.
So it's not surprising, but it'sbeen bothering me a lot.
And so, you know, this morningI'm like looking up, can my
(04:31):
pillow be causing that?
Because I did just switchpillows.
Like, you want to talk aboutfeeling like you're an old
person.
I have been told from very earlyon, like my sinuses are like an
old, like literally.
They said the dentist said, Idon't I see this in geriatrics
when I was like in my 30s.
I was like, cool, I'm not in mygeriatrics stage yet.
(04:54):
But apparently my sinuses havemoved on to that stage at a very
so I get the like, yeah.
Sometimes your body, sometimesyour body, okay, Brad and I are
in our 40s, but sometimes yourbody feels like you're still 27
and you're like, this isamazing.
And then other days it's like,oh my word.
(05:15):
Yeah, I didn't I didn't thinkyou started feeling like this
until you were in your 70s, butapparently that's not the case.
SPEAKER_00 (05:22):
Yeah.
I am rapidly ending my 40s.
SPEAKER_01 (05:26):
I know, but I was like, hey, is he gonna let me
just say he's in his 40s?
You're not rapidly, it's notgoing any faster than it has any
other day.
It's just you're closer.
SPEAKER_03 (05:37):
Much much.
SPEAKER_01 (05:38):
Hey, it's okay.
unknown (05:40):
Yep.
SPEAKER_01 (05:41):
You're gonna be 50 and it's gonna be amazing
because you're amazing.
I appreciate that.
So all right, there's ourcheck-in.
And so you know we're here andwe're we're here, guys.
We're here.
SPEAKER_00 (05:54):
We're here.
So we had this greatconversation with Jay from Hot
Hole Humorous.
Yep, recently.
Yep.
Sex Chat for Christian Wivesjust the other day about the
some research on that couplesare having less sex.
SPEAKER_01 (06:10):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (06:11):
And one of the things that she raised, and we
didn't end up talking about awhole lot.
Um, I think this is actuallywhat the study actually raised
is the increased use of devicesand how that's for them and you
know, impacting sex life.
Yeah.
Um, I think you know, we need totalk about it probably on a
(06:31):
broader place of how how yourdevice impacts your marriage.
SPEAKER_01 (06:36):
Yes.
I and I think it's a reallyinteresting conversation.
I also loved the part that theyadded in the study because I do
see this a lot when I talk topeople about how it's disrupting
um sleep, hygiene, sleep, uh,pre-sleep patterns that you
would have previously done, um,and how it's impacting and it's
(06:59):
delaying when you wouldnecessarily go to sleep.
So it's not only impacting yourmarriage in ways that we'll talk
about, but it's also impacting,which makes sense, impacting
your life.
It's changing us.
SPEAKER_00 (07:13):
Yeah, absolutely it is.
We are recognizing that change.
We're seeing the fact that it isa change, and I think there's a
place where look where we justsaid how old we are.
We are certainly a place wherewe were a couple without devices
24-7.
(07:34):
But I think there's a now you'remaking us sound really old.
unknown (07:37):
Yeah, well, that's the case.
SPEAKER_01 (07:38):
It's true.
Okay.
SPEAKER_00 (07:40):
Um, there are a lot of couples that their whole
relationship, their whole life,has been with these devices.
So even trying to think throughwhat it means differently.
And and I want to start.
We are not going to say, like,don't have them, right?
I think that's way too easy ofan answer.
SPEAKER_01 (08:02):
Easy.
Everyone would just turn us off.
It's not nobody would do that.
Devices, yeah, they have becomepart of our lives.
SPEAKER_00 (08:11):
And there's a lot of good things about our devices,
right?
Like that we're able to contacteach other, communicate easily
with each other, share funnythings with each other, it like
kind of things.
There are real positives inrelationships.
And then there's lots ofproblems.
SPEAKER_01 (08:33):
Okay.
Okay.
Yeah.
And I I don't think um sayingget rid of your devices would
would help anybody.
So we're like that conversationisn't even.
I mean, I realize some people onthe fringe believe that, and of
course, go for it if that's whatyou feel you can achieve.
But for most of us out there tosurvive literally in your
(08:56):
businesses, in your personallives, like they're going to be,
they're going devices are goingto be in your lives.
SPEAKER_00 (09:04):
Right.
And there's an expectation thatwe have some access to them.
And so just, you know, puttingthem away probably isn't a
reality, right?
And even like I think in thepast, is that what you mean by
get rid of them?
Yeah, like just put them away ordon't have them come in the
bedroom or like those kind ofthings.
SPEAKER_01 (09:22):
Okay, okay.
SPEAKER_00 (09:22):
Like gotcha.
I have to think about you know,I have used my device as my
alarm clock for the last likefive years.
So you know, that that is there.
I it's also a way, like I have Iput mine on do not disturb,
starting at a specific time, butmy kids and you are able to get
(09:45):
through that do not disturb,right?
That's a setting you can do,right?
Like, so that means if my phonerings in the middle of the
night, it's one of our kids,right?
SPEAKER_01 (09:54):
Right.
SPEAKER_00 (09:54):
And I want to be able to have that.
SPEAKER_01 (09:56):
If I'm calling you in the middle of the night, it
means I'm calling you from rightnext to you, and that's creepy.
SPEAKER_00 (09:59):
That's weird.
Call comes from inside thehouse.
Stop.
SPEAKER_01 (10:02):
That's exactly what I was thinking.
The call is coming from theother side of the bed, friend.
unknown (10:08):
Okay.
SPEAKER_01 (10:09):
Okay.
SPEAKER_00 (10:10):
So I like I do realize we're not going to just
eliminate them or eliminate themfrom the bedroom.
So, how do couples manage thisthing that is happening?
And and maybe even we need totalk a little bit of what it is.
You started saying it'simpacting sleep and sleep
hygiene.
Say a little bit more aboutthat.
SPEAKER_01 (10:32):
Well, according to the study, I mean, I have my own
thoughts, but the study wassaying like it's delaying your
sleep in some aspects, and it'salso changed your sleep routine.
SPEAKER_03 (10:42):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (10:43):
Whereas I think previously, even our generation,
I won't I won't even talk beyondthat because I I feel like
that's that's so far removedfrom what society is today.
You know, if you watched TV inthe evenings, which is what a
lot of families would do, thenyou turn that off and go into
your bedroom.
You could be watching it in yourbedroom, that's true.
(11:06):
But there's a turn it off,there's a get up, use the
bathroom, brush your teeth, washyour face, whatever your sleep
routine looked like.
Change into your pajamas.
Believe it or not, these arethings I talk to people about
that also have changed, but I dosee them as direct correlation
to phones in many, many ways.
(11:26):
Some of them happen, like I sawour teenagers do that.
Sometimes it is just uh theacceptance of comfy clothes in
life.
Like, I'm already in comfyclothes.
What do I need to change?
I mean, that definitelyhappened, but usually adults
start to get themselves into ahabit of like changing their
clothes or right, but that allchanges if we're just on our
(11:49):
phone for a really long periodof time and we're like, oh now
I'm tired, so I just slap itdown.
And then, first of all, it's howmany hours later than you should
have, or you know is good foryou to go to sleep.
And now I'm not doing anyroutine that tells my body this
is a different time.
SPEAKER_00 (12:06):
Right.
SPEAKER_01 (12:07):
Right?
SPEAKER_00 (12:07):
Like this is so we're using phones to put us to
sleep, and I am guilty of this.
I like there are times I'm I'myou know, kind of using it to
check out and and put myself tosleep.
Um, you tend to use reading insome of that place of like you
(12:30):
know, pulling out your Kindleand reading to get tired.
SPEAKER_03 (12:36):
Yes.
SPEAKER_00 (12:36):
Um, I don't like doing that.
Like I will read my book atnight, um, but then I get to a
stage where I'm like, if I keepreading, I'm not gonna know
what's going on.
And I don't like that.
SPEAKER_01 (12:49):
Okay, dude, I do that all the time, and I'm like,
and then uh the if I'm supertired for like a week, I read
the same two pages all weekbecause then I don't the next
morning, I'm like, I don'tremember reading, or not the
next morning, the next night, Idon't remember reading this, so
I gotta reread it again.
I don't remember reading this,but yeah, it's my it's just my
(13:10):
way to get my brain and my bodyto calm down.
And it is better, right?
SPEAKER_00 (13:15):
Like even on a Kindle, it's still better for
your body than the stim constantstimulation of and I will say I
have to be cautious if I'm usingsocial media.
I'm usually pretty choosy aboutwhich one.
Um and avoiding stress-filledpolitical things or social
(13:40):
commentary things, or you know,organizations I follow, like
sure uh those at night are notgonna help me to get into that
that routine.
But everything that we'retalking about is individual.
Right.
Every part of that, and and Ithink that's one of the things
that phones do is push people toless communication and more
(14:04):
individual sleep pattern.
SPEAKER_01 (14:07):
Right.
And and it's just a, you know, Imean, we there's the education
part of it, like understandingthat screens are always gonna
stimulate, even though, andpeople say, but it does help me
fall asleep, or I can fallasleep in front of the TV
better.
And I will tell you, like, Isometimes, if I'm alone and want
to take a nap, I will turn onthe TV for the noise.
(14:29):
Yeah, right.
But I'm not watching it.
I actually literally am turningit on and laying down because
sometimes complete quiet is hardfor people.
It is, it's just disarming and Irecognize it.
SPEAKER_00 (14:43):
I do that when I'm taking a nap because it actually
keeps me in a lighter sleep.
SPEAKER_01 (14:48):
Oh, interesting.
SPEAKER_00 (14:50):
About it.
SPEAKER_01 (14:51):
Interesting.
SPEAKER_00 (14:51):
Like, I'm gonna turn something on that's going to
keep me in that this space of alittle bit lighter sleep idea
because I just want to take alittle bit of a nap and I don't
want to like zonk out.
So I agree with that, but Ithink then there is that that
place where that doesn't allowyou to sleep to deep sleep,
right?
SPEAKER_01 (15:11):
And and I'm assuming you know more about this than me
as a clinician.
Like, does um that your brainprocess that very differently
than like noise machines?
SPEAKER_00 (15:21):
Oh, yeah, because the noise machine is actually
canceling out noise, and the wayit works in it in your body is
because it's the same sound allthe time, your body very quickly
goes, Oh, I'm not payingattention to that.
SPEAKER_01 (15:38):
But it also gives you the non-silent right so it's
silence.
SPEAKER_00 (15:42):
Well, it the problem with silence is it is it lets
all the other noises comethrough, and so then unique
noises your body hears.
SPEAKER_01 (15:51):
Your kid trying to tiptoe down the stairs, and
every one of our children has adifferent kind of tiptoeing, and
you're like, who's up?
What are they doing?
What's going on?
SPEAKER_00 (16:01):
Right, or the the water pipe that's clicking
because the heat or the car thatdrove down the road, like you
hear each one of those as uniquesounds, and then that gets
processed.
SPEAKER_01 (16:11):
Gotcha.
SPEAKER_00 (16:11):
Where yeah, we use a sound machine because it does
tend to block out those and yourbody usually ignores that
constant same sound.
Um, so I find that incrediblyhelpful.
SPEAKER_01 (16:26):
Um well, now that I'm used to it, I do too.
I wouldn't I didn't ever grow upwith anything like that as a
kid, although I don't feel likesound machines were a thing when
we were kids.
SPEAKER_00 (16:36):
Um, I didn't grow up like we were just made for
therapists' office when I wasgrowing up.
SPEAKER_01 (16:41):
Well, we grew up in an old farmhouse, so we did have
room air conditioners in thesummer.
And I did sometimes notice thedifference then when they were
gone.
It was like, wow, it feels sostill and quiet in here.
Um, when when we would take themout for getting cold.
But yeah, it's just aninteresting.
So, anyways, just thinking aboutthat and thinking about your
(17:04):
sleep.
SPEAKER_00 (17:04):
Sleep and sleep hygiene is a super important
thing for couples to recognizeimpacts them, their
relationship, and their health.
Um, so I think that's important,but it is not necessarily this
topic of how it's impacting themas a couple.
SPEAKER_01 (17:26):
Well, you just said something important, like how
well you sleep is going toimpact you as a couple.
SPEAKER_03 (17:31):
Sure.
SPEAKER_01 (17:31):
And as you get older, as Brad and I recognize
like I I would have neverbelieved this as a teenager or a
young adult, but sleep getsharder to have good sleep.
SPEAKER_03 (17:40):
Yes.
SPEAKER_01 (17:41):
So I the reason I thought it was good to just stop
there and pause there is youneed to figure out a sleep
routine, like, and you need totry and stick to it.
And I sometimes get off of mineand I can be on my phone and
then I'm like, ugh, I need toget back to reading, right?
Because I recognize I don'tsleep as well.
SPEAKER_00 (17:59):
Correct.
SPEAKER_01 (18:00):
So I'm just encouraging that.
You need to give your body thatopportunity to like, this is
something different.
This is a time I'm getting readyfor sleep, not, you know, you
can be on your phone all theother times, but we're gonna
talk about that now.
So just knowing that, I think,is huge.
SPEAKER_00 (18:16):
What do you would you say is uh what does it look
like for couples to use bedtimewell?
Right?
And and I think that the studythat we're talking about is hey,
couples have less sex somewhatbecause of phones.
Um I I think there is a culturalconnection to nighttime and sex
(18:43):
um that has happened for areally long time that is like
okay, we're getting ready forbed, now we're gonna have sex.
I I think we've said this for along time.
That doesn't tend to work for alot of couples.
SPEAKER_01 (18:57):
Yeah, right?
SPEAKER_00 (18:58):
Like this cultural it is a cultural thing that is
unfortunately, I think doesn'twork because you're exhausted,
you're tired, um it's the end ofthe day, you're supposed to be
thinking about rest and sleep,but you know, getting stuck
thinking about like, oh wait,now I have to figure out desire.
(19:23):
How I how do I pay attention tothat?
Like that's a whole challenge.
SPEAKER_01 (19:30):
Well, I don't think it has to be, right?
Because again, I think thedevices are doing that, they are
contributing to that.
And we've had TVs since we'veever been born.
Right.
Um, and our parents were thegeneration where getting a TV
was a big deal.
And you need to remember, likeyou're still delaying what we
(19:53):
would consider bedtime.
But for many couples, if youweren't doing that, you were
heading to bed and you weren't,you were maybe still tired from
the day, but you weren'texhausted because you weren't
going to bed at 10 p.m.
Right.
And I will say, when you and Ihad littles, and we were really
trying to prioritize ourmarriage, we started most of the
(20:16):
time, like I would say like 80%of the time, once we had them in
bed, we went up to our bedroom.
SPEAKER_00 (20:23):
Right.
SPEAKER_01 (20:24):
Right.
So we didn't sit in the livingroom and watch TV for a while.
That would have been only you ata smartphone because you were
working a job where that waslike we just, yeah, it wasn't
something we could afford atthat time.
So that didn't enter in so muchfor us.
But up there, it was connectiontime.
And and do we want to watch ashow together?
(20:45):
Like, and that could very wellbe, but that for us created more
time to figure out potential sexand we weren't exhausted.
Yes.
Um, also, of course, we did findother times of the day mourning
were helpful when we couldfigure that out with little
(21:05):
kids.
Like that is a challenge whenyou're just the two of you
before you have kids.
There is more freedom in time ofday and whatnot based on your
schedules.
SPEAKER_00 (21:16):
So I I mean, I think that's one challenge in this
that we've heard forever isheading to bed, and one person
is thinking, oh, well, maybe wecan have sex, and the other
person it's not even in theirmindset, like that can be a
really challenging time forcouples.
SPEAKER_01 (21:36):
Well, and one of the other things that we did, and
again, we are not prescribingthese are the only way to go,
but we were intentional, and solike that led to certain
decisions.
Our kids, before they couldrecognize it, and maybe even a
little bit when they couldrecognize it, went to bed really
early.
unknown (21:55):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (21:56):
Because we found through trial and error that
they still got up at like 5 or 6a.m.
So it was like, okay, well, ifwe put you to bed at nine, you
get up at six.
I think it was more six.
We didn't usually have 5 a.m.
or thank goodness.
If we put you to bed at 7:30,you still get up at 6.
So we were like, actually, it'smore sleep for you and more time
(22:17):
for us.
Right.
This is actually a reallyhealthy thing.
I honor I have lots of peoplesay, my kids don't do that, and
I I don't want to be judged.
I'm not judging.
I get it.
And once you get your kids intoa habit, it's really hard to
change it.
SPEAKER_03 (22:31):
It is.
SPEAKER_01 (22:32):
I would speak to those people having young
kiddos.
Try to get them on that scheduleso that you aren't completely
exhausted all the time when youput them to bed now.
I'm not talking about whenthey're infants and stuff like
that.
You're they're you're just gonnabe completely exhausted.
But you know, kind of thinkingthrough that and creating that
(22:53):
space, yeah.
It's not gonna get created foryou.
SPEAKER_00 (22:56):
No.
SPEAKER_01 (22:57):
So being intentional is huge.
SPEAKER_00 (22:59):
Creating that space.
So what is it if if one person,you know, walks in and sees
their spouse on their phone?
Back to the phones, becausethat's where we're talking
about.
Like, how do you have thatconversation?
Because I think we, you know,we've had it a lot, you know,
that it's like it just feelslike you're on your phone a lot.
(23:22):
How do you how do you have thatconversation in a good way?
SPEAKER_01 (23:26):
I feel a lot of couples are having this
conversation, and of course itgoes-every couple is having this
conversation, most likely,right?
And it goes in a cycle, right?
And there are times you're likefine with it, and then you get
frustrated, and I'm sure ithappens on both ends, right?
And I don't know how many timesI've been in a session with a
couple and one will kind of jabit at the one and the other one
(23:47):
will say, Well, same two, right?
Right?
Just different, right?
Because, you know, arounddifferent things, different
habits, different, or you know,you're on social media, oh yeah,
well, you play games the wholetime.
Right?
Like it kind of and it, yes, weall have our things, so let's
just honor that.
It is a part of life.
SPEAKER_00 (24:06):
I think that is the exact first step is recognizing,
hey, this is a both thing now,right?
And go it and start theconversation going, I'm
recognizing that my phone use isimpacting us as a couple.
I think we both probably havesome stuff to do here.
(24:28):
How do we make this better?
Right.
Like if it comes out assomething that we're going to do
together, it's so different thanan accusation.
SPEAKER_01 (24:36):
Right.
I also think it's really good.
Like, we all feel convictionabout it.
Like, let's, unless you're lyingto yourself, you feel conviction
about it.
So, like, what do you want to doto regulate your own?
Because what like I want thecouples to have a conversation,
but what might work for oneisn't necessarily going to work
for the other.
Um, I regulate myself by like,yeah, I don't I say to myself,
(25:00):
this isn't what I want to bedoing with my time.
SPEAKER_00 (25:03):
Right.
SPEAKER_01 (25:03):
I kind of look at that as a waste of time.
At times I'm like, I am justwasting the time I have, right?
This isn't adding to me.
Sometimes it's phenomenal, andI'm watching funny videos.
That's what I tend to do, orplay stupid block blast that my
19-year-old daughter got meinto.
I don't do games and it's theonly game on my my phone and I
(25:24):
play it.
Um, but like, and I just say tomyself, enough.
Like, this isn't what I want todo.
Where it's around bedtime, I'mjust like, I monitor it by how
well I'm sleeping.
Right.
And so I think it is each personneeds to decide like, how am I
going to monitor that?
I know some people can use thethe timer thing, and that's what
(25:47):
I've done.
Timer.
There's also the brick thingthat you can talk about that.
SPEAKER_00 (25:52):
But like I had for a long time put a timer, I had an
hour of social media a day.
And look, the way I have it setup, and you don't have to do
this, is then it tells you, youknow, you've used an hour.
Do you want to keep going?
And one of the things that Irecognized, and I told you this
a couple months ago, I washitting that hour every day.
(26:16):
And I got frustrated by that.
Like, I'm like, wow, I'm usingthis a whole lot.
So I lowered it to 45 minuteswith my goal of not hitting it.
And then for the last honestly,uh, ever since I did that, I am
not, I'm not hitting it anymore.
Um, which I'm really glad forbecause I just recognized it was
(26:39):
taking up a lot more space thanI wanted to give it.
SPEAKER_03 (26:43):
Sure.
SPEAKER_00 (26:43):
Um, but I had to, and I mean, I'm being totally
vulnerable here.
In order to get there, I had todelete it off my phone for a
week to break the habit.
It is addicting.
Social media is made to beaddicting.
Sure.
And so then there's this habitof like you jump to it all the
time, you jump, you know, and Itook it off my phone, kind of
(27:05):
like, okay, I'm gonna reset.
And then when I put it back onmy phone, honestly, because I
needed to post some things and Iwanted to see how it was looking
and all that kind of stuff.
SPEAKER_01 (27:14):
That's yeah, that's challenge.
SPEAKER_00 (27:16):
When I when I did that, I reset the timer and
went, okay, I don't want to, I'mgonna set it for 45 minutes and
I don't want to hit it.
And I certainly don't want togive myself more than that.
Because of that same thing, of Irecognize there's some benefit
of it, there's some positives ofit, but there's a place where
it's too much.
And I think this is the place ofthe conversation is everybody
(27:42):
knows that it's an issue intheir life.
When somebody else tells youit's an issue in your life, we
get defensive.
SPEAKER_03 (27:52):
Right.
SPEAKER_00 (27:52):
When somebody says, Hey, I want us to figure this
out, I need some help figuringout, I want us to figure this
out, I think it's becomes moreof a conversation.
SPEAKER_01 (28:04):
Yeah, for sure.
Um but I think I what I saidbefore, I maintain like coming
with your own ideas, like howright, and then being able to
adjust them if it if thatdoesn't work for you.
I don't do any timers, I judgeit.
The other thing is like I alsotalk to clients about is like
how do you feel after you'vegotten off of there?
(28:26):
Right.
And part of what we need to doas a society, and we talked
about this with Jay, is actuallyhonor what we feel in our
bodies, like and actually try tounderstand what we feel in our
bodies.
Do you feel better?
Uh the only time I honestly feelbetter is if I've connected with
someone like friend in aconversation, which most times I
(28:47):
can do that, not on socialmedia, to I do enjoy funny
videos, like and I feel lighterafter I've watched them.
I mean, with the world rightnow, reading anything political,
I don't feel better.
I usually feel heightened, Iusually feel irritated, like
doesn't matter which way youvote.
(29:09):
I think probably most peoplewould say that.
SPEAKER_00 (29:12):
So um both sides are there, you know.
I I agree.
It's it is vastly different thanwhat social media was originally
billed as, as a place to connectwith your friends.
And I used to say that, like,oh, I had friends that I hadn't
seen for a long time, that wekind of know what each other's
doing.
(29:32):
Well, that's mostly gone.
Like really?
I don't have a whole lot of thatmuch anymore.
SPEAKER_01 (29:38):
Oh, I love that part.
I still I still love that part.
I still like connecting withpeople, even if they're in the
area that I don't see very Ishould preface that.
I like connecting with pictures.
As I've said on here, and and weused to say on one flesh
marriage, like, I am aprofessional photographer too,
although I don't do very muchanymore, um, just because of.
(30:00):
Last couple years of life, likeI had to put that on the back
burner and and and that's justbeen fine.
So, but like I love seeingpeople's pictures, that's just a
way I connect.
So um that's what I findfascinating.
I follow a lot of photographersand those kinds of things, so
that's just kind of what drawsme in more than somebody's post
(30:22):
about whatever they think aboutsomething.
It's more seeing their postabout what's happening with
their kiddos.
SPEAKER_00 (30:28):
And I use it a lot of times in my I've said I'm
ADHD.
Um, so one of the fact thethings about ADHD is
hyperfixations, right?
We get focused on a hobby, ainterest, a something, and then
you know, go down that rabbithole.
Um, and I have learned I don'tknow what you're talking about.
(30:49):
I have no, yeah, I know youdon't.
I I've learned like, okay, I'mgonna use those rabbit holes for
good things, for positivethings.
And so at various times, if youlooked at my feeds, they would
be plants or they would be, youknow, whatever I was learning at
the time that I wanted to learnabout.
(31:12):
Um yep, yeah, you know, and soI'd you know have some YouTubers
or podcasts about those kind ofthings that I was learning.
And I enjoy that.
I like that it's a way for me tokind of relax and stimulate my
brain in the same way.
And I think there's some good inthat.
Sure.
Um, I think we have to becautious of those things.
SPEAKER_01 (31:35):
Yeah, sure.
SPEAKER_00 (31:36):
Of course, with our conversation with Jay, we were
saying, um, you know, obviouslyit was coming out of this study
of couples having less sex.
Um I would say if you are thelower drive spouse and you would
(31:56):
be interested in finding moretime to connect and potentially
have more sex, then going toyour spouse and saying, Hey, I
think our phones, and the key isour phones, are keeping us from
connecting and having more sex.
I think that could be a reallypositive conversation.
(32:18):
If you are the higher drivespouse, I don't know that I
would start the conversationthat way.
SPEAKER_01 (32:26):
Okay.
SPEAKER_00 (32:28):
But I think it could be a positive way of saying, I
want to connect with you more.
Sure.
And I think sometimes our phonesget in the way.
And I I can't tell you a couplethat that's not happening to.
I I think phones are getting inthe way of connecting.
SPEAKER_01 (32:48):
Well, and that's that's the part that I thought
was interesting.
And obviously, they were justdoing the study on sex, which
kind of makes sense.
But I would imagine there arelots of things that are less in
your relationship due to phones.
In all of your relationships,right?
Like it just there is a plus tothe phones that we can text
(33:14):
immediately, we can haveconnection with someone quickly,
but also probably connectionsare are paying the price.
Like it's not just sex that'spaying the price.
Yeah.
No, all kinds of things arepaying the price.
So, and I think that's importantto remember.
SPEAKER_00 (33:32):
Yeah.
And I we do it.
I I want to acknowledge we doit.
I think we see all kinds ofcouples doing it that they
actually like are on a datetogether and they pick up their
phones.
SPEAKER_01 (33:46):
Oh, I struggle with that for sure.
Not because you're notinteresting, but because it's a
habit.
SPEAKER_00 (33:50):
Yep.
And that that issue, like, youknow, you're sitting together on
the sofa watching somethingtogether and on your phone.
And well, we do this too.
Like, I'm not I'm totally notpointing fingers, more going,
there is a place where it fillsa gap that allows us to
(34:13):
disassociate, to disconnect fromwhat our brains and bodies are
feeling, and then it you knowkind of fills that gap.
Yeah.
So we never feel the feeling of,oh, I would love to connect with
you.
I'm feeling lonely.
We don't actually feel thatfeeling because our phone is
right there to fill that lonelyvoid.
SPEAKER_01 (34:33):
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Yep, people are feeling morelonely than ever.
SPEAKER_00 (34:37):
Yes.
Right?
SPEAKER_01 (34:38):
Because it doesn't, it doesn't really fill it, it
just prolongs it and it itdisassociates us from the
lonely.
Right.
And it makes it feel deeper andwider when you're done
disassociating.
SPEAKER_00 (34:49):
Correct.
So I think that's the challengeis we're using it to check out.
SPEAKER_03 (34:56):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (34:57):
And it can be appropriate, but I think we have
to be very cautious in how muchwe're checking out in real life.
SPEAKER_01 (35:05):
Yeah, for sure.
For sure.
Yeah.
And so, you know, you guyshaving the conversation around
phones in a healthy way, beingcurious, trying to understand
for your spouse where it becomesa pitfall, for you where it
becomes a pitfall, instead ofjust seeing it as the enemy,
like trying to understand.
(35:26):
And then for you as individuals,realizing like if your spouse is
saying it trying to be curiousand understanding, not just
feeling offended.
Yeah.
Right?
Like, oh, okay, she's justalways nagging me about my
phone.
SPEAKER_00 (35:43):
Okay, well, be curious about why that is.
Yeah, like and what's thepositive on the other side,
right?
Because if somebody's naggingyou about your phone, it's
probably because they reallymiss you.
SPEAKER_01 (35:58):
True.
For sure.
I mean, I think it also isself-reflective of some
challenges you may have in yourown life.
That's why I'm saying, like, weha it has to start with us
first.
It can't start with pointingfingers.
We have to, right?
And there has to be a desire tomonitor it.
Right.
There, that's the way we doanything in life, right?
Like, we don't want to beworkaholics.
(36:20):
We don't want to be whatever,like, right?
We have to monitor things.
And and not in a way that thatbecomes the newest thing, but
that's what we do in life.
And the phone is now justanother thing we get to add to
that list.
Yes.
And the phone, and then what'son the phone.
unknown (36:39):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (36:39):
Right.
Because you could be doing workon your phone, you could be
doing social media on yourphone.
You could be doing games on yourphone.
Right.
I know the phones have createdfor me my high responsibility
from my story and make sure youdo it right.
Yep.
As soon as someone texts me, assoon as someone emails emails
(37:00):
me, mainly where work isregarded.
Like with friends, I feel alittle, I've worked through
that.
I can be like, oh, I can answerthat tomorrow or whatever.
And certainly at night, I'mpretty good at that.
Even if it comes through, Ileave it.
I don't, I don't feel the needto engage it.
But work, I feel that pressurebecause we have become a society
(37:21):
of I sent these people aninformation form.
Like this happens to us all thetime.
And please know our heart is toat Aldrich Ministries is to get
to our clients as quick aspossible.
But there is this like I sentyou a form or an email or an
interest.
SPEAKER_00 (37:40):
10 minutes ago.
Right.
Why didn't I get something back?
SPEAKER_01 (37:43):
And it's just well, I wouldn't say it's 10 minutes.
It's definitely like, I did ityesterday.
Why have I not heard back?
And while I honor that, it'salso like, okay, we are an
instant gratification society,whether that's instant
gratification for things that welove or things that the help
that we all of the sudden decidethat we want.
(38:06):
And I do think we need to stepback and say, it's okay.
Like there is a reasonableamount of time, you know, and
and so it's yeah, I've I feelthat pull as well.
SPEAKER_00 (38:19):
You mentioned the uh the brick before.
Uh, I'll put a link in thepodcast uh in the show notes
because uh, you know, I haveplayed around with it with it, I
have one, I know our son uses itsometimes.
Um, and it is a device thatessentially you can choose to
lock parts of your phone atdifferent times.
(38:43):
And so you could, for instance,if work is something that is
feels like it's invading all ofyour personal space, sure, you
could use the brick to lock thework emails, the work phone
calls, like you know, kind ofthing, um, so that only other
things go on.
(39:04):
I know some people, you know,will lock social media.
And so essentially what you dois you tap this device, and then
when you walk away, it's lockeduntil you go back and tap it
again.
So you you know, leave it in theon the refrigerator or something
like that.
It's not that it's foreverlocked, but there's an
intentional unlocking processrather than just the habit of
(39:28):
like, oh yeah, I'm gonna flipthat on.
SPEAKER_01 (39:31):
Well, and it's almost like if I can't, like
with me, I can't resist that I'mgonna have to answer it.
SPEAKER_00 (39:36):
Yes.
SPEAKER_01 (39:37):
Then I don't actually know it's there until I
have decided this is my worktime and this is the time that
I'm right.
And I think our oldest would notcare if we shared this.
I thought it was so funny.
Um, because you got him one,he's used it.
I don't know what else he's usedit for, but he said, I'm using
it for church because he and hisdad and his brother and friends
(39:58):
all keep track of football,European football and not
American football.
And he's like, I just can't notcheck the scores during church,
and I don't want to do that.
And I was like, that'shilarious.
So right, but like he has itthen that he can't have access
to the scores until church isdone.
And that's something he wantedto set for himself.
Right.
And I'm like, right, because wehave access to everything
(40:22):
instantly.
Yes.
And it it's it's amazing in someways, and other times it's
really good a challenge.
SPEAKER_00 (40:30):
Yeah.
So I I would encourage out ofthis is couples just having a
conversation of how is socialmedia, how is phone impacting
our connection and impacting oursex life.
SPEAKER_01 (40:43):
Right.
And not just social media,because we need to make it
broader than that.
You guys need to talk or ownwhat are the pitfalls for you on
there, because some people comehome and they're never on social
media and all they're ever doingis checking their work emails.
Yep.
And their spouse feels like, Ihave lost you all day to work,
(41:04):
and then, which is we honor andwe understand, then we come home
and I've also lost you to work,right?
And it's like, so whatever itmay be, right?
We just need to honor for eachof us what is that and how is it
impacting our marriage, and thentherefore impacting our sex
life.
SPEAKER_00 (41:21):
Right.
And I really, really want toencourage, don't start that
conversation by pointing thefinger, but start it by saying
I'm realizing.
Right.
SPEAKER_01 (41:31):
Or I'm realizing I do.
SPEAKER_00 (41:33):
Yeah.
We're both there.
We're both do it at times.
There are places that you may beunaware of it, there are places
that your spouse is unaware ofit.
So start the conversation of howdo we make sure that we have
time together that it does notimpact us, right?
Like we definitely are veryintentional around our date
(41:55):
night.
Um, you know, I don't think wepick up the phone at all.
SPEAKER_01 (42:01):
Um I do.
But I tend to I tend to likeregulate myself and to put it
down, right?
And I honestly I wonder ifbecause of um will I ever be
able to do this?
I don't know.
I do feel the pressure first toleave it out as a mom.
I've always felt that because ondate nights we would leave them,
(42:22):
or they were in recent years allhome alone.
So that's lots of opportunitiesfor fun things, right?
And I would just feel like Ineed to be available.
There were dynamics at homehere.
And then now it's like I stillfeel that they're all off at
college.
Um, but they have learned, andwe have one kiddo who can be
very like, hey, just text you.
(42:43):
What's the deal?
And it's like, calm down.
But uh just having it theremakes me then want to pick it
up, right?
So then I have to be like, Ijust have it out for the kids
and I'm not gonna look at itunless we get a text.
The other thing that I will tellyou that I have learned is
really good with that, believeit or not, and I know people
have different thoughts on this.
Having the Apple Watch, then Ican put my phone in my purse.
SPEAKER_00 (43:07):
Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (43:08):
And if one of the kids texts me, I can pull it
out.
Right?
Because I'm not apt to do thingson my watch.
I don't hardly ever except tosee what is happening on my
phone.
Right.
So I can look at it and be like,oh, that's not a kiddo, that's
not a concern.
I'm not promoting it.
I'm just saying that's been ahelpful tool to me.
(43:30):
Um, and then I don't feel like Ihave to constantly be attached
to my phone.
unknown (43:34):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (43:34):
So I do know I struggle with that when we're
out.
SPEAKER_00 (43:37):
But I think it's something we all have to know
where we struggle and how do youmake it a priority?
And you know, we try not to uhthere are times that we're out
at restaurants or stuff andwe're like, oh, okay, look at
that couple.
Like, you know, I we can't helpit.
Like, but there are times thatwe've seen couples sitting there
(43:59):
clearly on a date and justengrossed in their own phones,
yeah.
And it's like, wow, you know,they're actually creating the
time and the space to go outtogether, and what happens is
not connection, right?
And I think that is a biggerissue of, you know, one, it's
(44:20):
just so easy, so simple.
And two, I think a lot ofcouples have lost that ability
to know how to connect.
They don't know what to do, andthey don't know where to even
start.
And that's actually why Kate andI um ended up this uh year
(44:41):
publishing a book of questionsum for couples that we found a
lot of couples just need to knowwhat conversations to have other
than about the kids.
SPEAKER_01 (44:54):
Sure.
SPEAKER_00 (44:54):
Right?
So they'd go, they'd have theconversations about the kids,
they'd maybe talk about work,and then they'd be like, uh I
don't know, right?
Like so um we put together awhole book of different
questions that you can use andwould you rather, you know, all
kinds of things that just aredesigned to get some
conversation going.
(45:15):
So if you're one of thosecouples that's like, man, I
don't know what I would dowithout this, um, I'll put a
link in the show notes as well.
SPEAKER_03 (45:24):
Yeah, for sure.
SPEAKER_00 (45:25):
Just you know, questions for couples is what
it's called, and you can findout on Amazon.
Um, and it could be somethingwhere you use to kind of break
some of that habit.
Just ask one question andhopefully have a conversation.
SPEAKER_01 (45:39):
Yeah, absolutely.
SPEAKER_00 (45:40):
It's important um to do so.
Hey, I hope you guys are able touse this to get some more
conversations started andcontinue in your growth as
you're walking through reallytrying to use this to become
more one together and connecteach other.
(46:01):
Until next time, I'm BradAldrich.
SPEAKER_01 (46:04):
And I'm Kate Aldridge.
Be kind and take care of eachother.
SPEAKER_00 (46:12):
Still Becoming One is a production of Aldridge
Ministries.
For more information about Bradand Kate's coaching ministry,
courses, and speakingopportunities, you can find us
at Aldridge Ministries.com.
For podcast show notes and linksto resources in all of our
social media, be sure to visitus at stillbecoming one.com.
(46:34):
And don't forget to like thisepisode wherever you get your
podcasts.
And be sure to follow us tocontinue your journey on Still
Becoming One.
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