In this episode, we delve into the profound wisdom behind the power of saying 'no' and establishing boundaries. Together, we explore the intricate dynamics of setting up personal limits with friends and family, unraveling the significance of these boundaries in our journey of self-rule and transcendence. We discuss practical strategies to navigate the complexities of boundary-setting, shedding light on the transformative impact it can have on our personal growth. Join us on this enlightening exploration of the delicate balance between saying 'no' and embracing the transformative power of self-transcendence.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Why is it more important to say no than say yes in a lot of cases?
(00:09):
How do you get and set up boundaries for yourself between others, may it be friends or family,
and why is it incredibly important for you to rule over yourself and transcend the tendency
to close?
(00:30):
Hello and welcome back to Stoic Spirituality, a podcast where I look through, dissect, and
analyze various thoughts, experiences, and books that I've had throughout the last few
years.
My name is Jagan and I'm a student of the human nature trying to spread some knowledge
out to the rest of the world.
So this episode is going to be dedicated to a more stoic depiction or illustration of
(00:54):
the concept of boundaries and the power and discipline that comes from saying no to things
more than saying yes.
I'll seek to discuss the discipline and boundaries that surround and should surround our daily
life and finish off with a bit of a spiritual touch into our tendency to close and the necessity
(01:15):
to have vulnerability in our daily lives so that we can cultivate boundaries and know
what to say yes to and know what to say no to.
So let's start off with a discussion on the idea of saying no.
So for a lot of us, we have a bit of a people pleasing instinct, a people pleasing idea or
(01:37):
concept inside of our head.
For some of us, it's stronger than others, and for me, I think it used to be stronger
than it was right now, than it is right now.
And so one thing that we or people that are people pleasing tend to possess is this inability
to say no for fear of displeasing the other person, for fear of ruffling feathers or causing
(02:02):
a bit of discomfort or discontent, and this fear of this direct confrontation also has
a basis in human nature as a concurrent fear of direct confrontation.
And that's kind of like the arisal of passive aggressiveness and kind of cutthroat dynamics
which seem very polite on the surface but are very very aggressive below.
(02:27):
But the idea of saying no comes back to prioritizing what's important to you, kind of what we
discussed a few weeks ago about focusing on what's in front of you.
Saying yes to what you believe and what you know is important also requires that you say
no to what isn't.
(02:47):
Because one of the concepts that is important to consider is the idea that you cannot benefit
from opportunities you don't take advantage of, and so while on the surface this may seem
like an illustration or a kind of a push to say yes to more things, it's also an indication
(03:08):
to know when your limits and boundaries start and how much you can actually do or work on
at the same time.
And so taking advantage of an opportunity also means putting in the effort, like solid
concurrent sets of effort toward an initiative, and for you to be able to do that, you need
(03:30):
to be able to cut out the excess, the things that don't really matter, that don't really
have an impact on what your goals and what you want to accomplish are.
And for that, for you to benefit from the true opportunities that you are given, you
must also say yes to many things, but you also must know when to say no.
(03:51):
It's the idea of disciplined action.
Not just action for the sake of action, but directed and powerful action.
It's kind of the idea between being busy and being productive.
If there is a way, for instance, to, in the most simplest of terms, copy a set of text
(04:11):
from one Word document to another Word document, what we would usually do is click Ctrl C and
then go to Ctrl V, or like click copy and then paste onto the other document.
And that is what you would say as a productive action.
But what you can see as a busy action is putting those two Word documents side by side and
transcribing everything, even though it's going to be the exact same message.
(04:37):
And so that's kind of the difference between being busy and being productive.
And the purpose of action in terms of accomplishing what you want has to be disciplined.
Remember that you are, when you're being asked to do something, or when you're being asked
to say yes to something, that means you're giving up something else.
It means you're giving up time that could be dedicated to something else.
(04:57):
You're giving up a piece of your life in exchange for something you potentially may
not even want.
But due to our people pleasing nature and our inherent fear of direct confrontation,
a lot of us tend to say yes to things that don't really matter in the long run.
So this is more of a call for you to consider things that may or may not have a benefit
(05:19):
in your life, focus on that that does, and then remember to say no to things that don't.
And so this leads into the concept and idea of putting up boundaries.
So the power of saying no is a core facet and a core concept in the creation of boundaries.
Because in this world, while it may seem like we like people who say yes to everything and
(05:42):
agree with us on everything, in truth, the people who really are respected are those
who establish and maintain boundaries, who know when to say no and who know what their
priorities are.
For other qualities that follow through with that is confidence and a sense of core knowledge
(06:03):
of who they are and who they want to be.
And that kind of confidence, while it's not really expressed in words, is picked up by
those around you.
A lot of us live in this idea of say vulgarity and immaturity where you say yes to everything
for the sake of pleasing them or making them feel happy, and then find ourselves overburdened
and over pressured to accomplish set of deadlines or finish a few many tasks without the proper
(06:29):
resources and time given to us.
And these people are cautionary tales, people who burn out really easily, who do not set
the proper boundaries amongst themselves and amongst other people.
And what is important for us to do is take these cautionary tales that we see, may it
be in stories or even in our workplace or on friends around us, and learn from them.
(06:55):
Not judge them, but learn from them.
So the idea of what boundaries really are, are these are little lines.
They're lines that you draw around a concept, a willingness to do something, or a person.
So in terms of concept, if you say for instance you choose not to smoke, or you choose not
(07:17):
to indulge in behaviors or habits you consider to be unhealthy.
When someone offers something to you like a cigarette or a vape, and you say no, that
is you drawing a line between what you will do and what you will not do.
Regardless of the pressures being mounted upon you, may it be the fear of missing out,
or may it be the other person kind of cajole you into taking the cigarette or taking this
(07:40):
vape pen.
The idea of a boundary around a concept talks a lot about knowing where your ability to
say yes ends and where your no begins.
For people, it's kind of the concept that I think Jay Shetty talks a little bit about
(08:00):
in one of his podcast episodes, where he discusses the idea of having a limit of time you're
willing to spend with someone in a month.
So there are people that you can spend weeks in a month with and feel fine.
There are people that you can spend two hours in a month with and feel fine.
And there are people that you can meet once every few months and feel fine.
(08:24):
Meet not only physically speaking, but also having conversations with them or just talking
over text, or messages, or like phone call rather.
And so the idea of these boundaries is that you know that certain people are what we call
energy vampires.
People who kind of impose all of their burdens or try to even a sense like take away all
(08:48):
your energy and leave you a shell of your former self or drain.
And what you must do is you must recognize these people immediately and keep them at
an arms length, kind of creating this discipline and boundary for yourself to say this person
I can spend this amount of time with before I feel the effects of their energy vampire-ness
(09:12):
take away my energy and what's dear to me.
And that's why like it's important to kind of identify these people.
And the primary way you can do this is if you spend time with someone for a certain
amount of time or extended period of time and then you walk away from the conversation
or you walk away driving home feeling drained.
(09:34):
That is one of the key tells for someone who is an energy vampire.
Someone who has imposed so much energy and taken away so much of yours for the sake of
their benefit or their happiness.
That's what you call an energy vampire.
So when you feel drained after and you feel like you just want to not talk to anyone and
not do anything at all, that is usually a sign of energy vampire.
(09:55):
People who are meant to be in your life for a longer period of time, people who you enjoy
spending time with, once you finish spending time with them, you'll either feel a kind
of peace or calmness or you'll feel even energized because that's the energy that
they bring to a scenario.
One that is a given take, not just a take, which is reminiscent of energy vampires.
(10:19):
And so the idea of boundaries with people or things kind of ties back to the idea of
keeping the main thing the main thing.
In a book called The Four Disciplines of Execution, there is this idea of the wig or the wildly
important goal.
And so when you keep this wildly important goal as your north star in the sky in front
(10:39):
of you, you allow yourself to focus on what is important, what you see as important in
front of you, and just like leaves in the wind, the other things go off screen.
And remember, around us, we'll see a lot of people that can get away with not having
boundaries.
We will see a lot of people that have the talent to not have boundaries and people please
(11:03):
and get where they want to get to, who are a lot of natural charismatic talkers, but
a lot of not a lot of doers.
But our boundaries leave that task to them because we cannot control their actions, we
cannot control their talking.
And we don't know what happens behind closed doors.
(11:23):
Because in the end, a lack of boundaries is not a punishment to other people around us,
it's more to ourselves.
If we don't have the ability to regulate our energy, and no one to say no, we're in
the end hurting ourselves.
And it's our call to be an adult in this world of emotional children who seek to people
(11:44):
please and seek to get a good name through vicious amounts of flattery or whatever other
techniques are necessary.
And so going more into this idea of boundaries, there are almost in a sense two general spectrums
of people who don't know how to set boundaries properly.
(12:07):
There are the compliance people, there are people that say yes, are people pleasing due
to their fuzzy boundaries and lack of knowledge of what they believe in, what they think is
right, or maybe out of fear and guilt enacted upon by other people.
Whether it is the fear of missing out, or the guilt tripping that ensues when someone
(12:28):
tries to make you do something you're not fond of, people under this category of compliance
will choose to do something for the sake of not ruffling any feathers or not having confrontation.
And there is the opposite end of the spectrum, which is avoidance.
So you avoid as people are those who say no to the good, those who kind of build walls
(12:55):
or push away people when they should be accepting and like taking in of their willingness to
help building walls instead of building gates to be open to people who they feel can truly
help them.
And so these two kind of people are two extreme ends of people we kind of want to avoid.
(13:18):
Being able to know what our boundaries are and setting those lines properly, but also
creating gates not walls so that people who mean well, who we know have our best interests
at heart, we are willing to be vulnerable with and we're willing to talk to.
(13:42):
And so while we have these people that receive almost in a sense help or lack of thereof,
or are made to do things they're not a fan of, they're also the controllers, the ones
who seek to walk over or impose upon your boundaries.
And there are kind of two kinds, there are aggressive controllers and there are manipulative
(14:04):
controllers.
So the aggressive controllers are those who refuse to hear other people's boundaries,
who take a no as a potential yes, and who run over them aggressively because they believe
that what they're doing is right, and what they believe maybe for the greater good quote
unquote or just for their temporary personal satisfaction.
(14:28):
And there are manipulative controllers who depending on how you want to see them could
be more dangerous because these people are less honest.
They attempt to kind of ask questions or shift a dialogue in a certain way to persuade others
out of their boundaries for their own personal benefit or gain.
(14:51):
And so the compliance and the avoidance are people who don't know how to set proper
boundaries in everything that they do, which causes them to be walked over.
And these manipulative and aggressive controllers walk over boundaries, one with aggression
(15:12):
and an unwillingness to hear, and two with attempts to dissuade you from your current
course of action, both for the sake of their personal gain.
And so the idea of functional and relational boundary issues, functional boundaries talks
about the ability to complete tasks with discipline, initiative, and planning.
(15:35):
And relational boundaries is the ability to speak truth in relationships as we are social
creatures as humans.
And so functional boundaries is the ability for you to know what to say no to, and know
what to say yes to, and be able to complete tasks with the ability to hold yourself to
the standard that you need to, and complete said tasks with discipline, initiative, and
(15:57):
planning.
And relational boundaries are more in terms of how you interact with other people.
When someone tries to impose something upon you, your ability to say no.
And so as you may have noticed, these two functional and relational boundaries are linked.
But some people have strengths in functional boundaries, may it be the discipline or the
self-discipline they have, and all their actions.
(16:20):
But some people also have the ability to know what to work on, what not to work on, what
to say yes to, and what not to say no to.
And some people may excel in one, or the other, or vice versa.
And so that kind of illustrates two kinds of people that try to walk over your boundaries,
and two kind of people that either don't know how to set proper boundaries, or let their
(16:46):
boundaries get walked over, and the kinds of boundary issues that people can have.
And so, if we are pursuing this idea of saying no, we have to quit being a slave in a sense.
Because more than saying no to others, one of the primary things we have to say no to
(17:07):
is ourselves, in our pursuant of self-mastery.
And the core idea of what self-mastery describes is not that we are trying to control other
things, but it's also the idea that anything that has the ability to master us, we should
be afraid of.
(17:28):
We should have an instinctive reaction or instinctive withdrawal from.
For example, say you feel like you have an addiction to certain sweets, or like smoking,
or vape.
Say we're after this idea of self-mastery and this self-independence, and we're good
at everything else.
(17:49):
What is this one grey area that we're willing to handle ourselves to for the sake of temporary
pleasure?
Why are we willing to be so strict with ourselves in everything, but except for this one little
grey area that tells us that more of me is what you need?
Telling us that without this substance stimuli, social media-wise or drug-wise, telling us
(18:17):
that you'll be unhappy, lonely, or you'll be weak without them, as shall we reform ourselves.
Self-mastery isn't just about mastering one facet of your life and leaving the rest
to ruin, it's about being well-rounded enough in all that you do that even one part
(18:38):
of your life fraying is not good for you.
And so, to be able to quit being a slave, you need to pull yourself out of the ignorance
of this dependency.
You need to pull yourself out of your addiction to whatever stimuli is causing you to rely
on something external to yourself.
(18:59):
May it be scrolling on Instagram, may it be taking a puff of something that isn't beneficial
for you, and you should get clean.
Regardless of your quote-unquote friends who look down upon you for it, or people who judge
(19:19):
you for not adhering to the crowd, because what really matters in the end is if it is
good for you, both on a physiological scale and a psychological scale.
And say it's not even harmful, say it even has like, it has no like benefits or drawbacks,
why should you take orders from something that is not your mind?
(19:43):
Why should you take orders from your stomach, or your crotch, or your social media devices
that intend to hook you in?
Why should something external to you, or something that isn't your brain, have mastery over
you?
Shouldn't you be the one who controls the other parts of your life?
(20:03):
Shouldn't your brain be the one that controls everything around you, not the other way around?
And more than the habit itself that we're quitting, we're quitting dependency.
We're quitting the necessity for us to rely on something external for our happiness
and stimulation.
(20:24):
This is not a self-whipping prophecy for you to cut out anything that does anything happy
for you, but it's allowing yourself to know that if I were to give this up tomorrow, I
would be fine.
And that's the difference between addiction and dependency, and partaking with moderation
in pleasurable activities.
(20:46):
Because we're not quitting the habit, we're quitting the dependency.
It's not the habit that's the issue, it's our concurrent need for something that is
the real issue.
And the question you want to ask yourself to help push yourself toward getting rid of
a stimuli is if it was invented or introduced today, if it began today, may it be alcohol
(21:11):
or something else, would you still start it?
Knowing all of the risks, all of the drawbacks, all of the dampening of your physiological
and psychological mind and body, would you still do it today?
If the answer is no, then you know what must be done today.
(21:33):
And remember, the fact that you didn't know then about something being harmful to you
doesn't change the fact that you know it now.
And the calling for you to call such a behavior is even higher now than it was before.
Remember, everyone has coping mechanisms, everyone has ways to address problems that
(21:56):
arise, but if you keep doing something to quote unquote take the edge off, soon enough
your edge is going to be doled altogether.
You will not have any edge to be taken off.
And whatever it is that stands in your way to your idea or pursuant of self-mastery,
you must quit, whether or not it is socially acceptable or not.
(22:18):
Remember, everyone has some bad habit, everyone has a part of us that we know we should kill
but we still go back to, but it's never too late to come back and defeat it.
May it be a toxic relationship, may it be a stimuli, or may it be a quality inside of
you like the inability to say no.
We all have the ability to start today and defeat it.
(22:41):
Because what counts is not what we do or not what we did in the past or what we're going
to do in the future but what we can do today.
We can choose to stop being a slave and choose freedom, saving ourselves so that we can take
the next step toward the greater benefit of the entire world.
And remember, ruling over yourself doesn't mean cutting off anything that could give
(23:04):
you even a slight bit of happiness or a slight bit of pleasure, it's the idea of finding
the most best economical way of directing your energy.
Because discipline is not just endurance and strength, it's not just pure raw will or raw
energy, it's about an economical use of your limited energy.
(23:27):
It's not about being so hard on yourself that you cannot do anything for your own benefit,
but it's about being disciplined, it's about using the concept of unrestrained moderation
to work yourself properly with the right stimuli and the right energy being directed in the
right direction to create a better life for yourself.
(23:51):
And one facet important to the idea of discipline is change.
Discipline can sometimes have a reputation for being very rigid in its approach and in
its kind of preconception, but that is so far from the truth.
Because one of the greatest disciplines is the discipline of flexibility, discipline
(24:12):
of change.
Robert Greene talks about it in the idea of formlessness and the idea of emptiness, stillness.
Miyamoto Musashi in his book of the five rings talks about the idea of emptiness and staying
flexible and formless in all that you do and be ready and not afraid of change.
(24:38):
Be ready to make mistakes and have to adopt, improvise, and overcome.
And the path of temperance, which tells you about the ability to say no, to set boundaries,
to quit being a slave, and use discipline economically becomes more impressive the longer
you stay at it.
It may not seem attractive and it may not seem like this easy money easy riches kind
(25:02):
of path to greatness, but it's a long slow burn that has exponential gains the longer
you stay at it.
And so we talked a lot about this idea of setting up boundaries and setting up rules
for ourselves that we do not break, but there is also another kind of idea of vulnerability,
(25:24):
which has to do with the other part of boundaries.
So in the untethered soul, there's a lot of push toward transcending the idea to close.
Remember, boundaries are useful because they let us know what is good and what is bad,
but for us to set up walls and not allow anyone else in creates a shell around you.
(25:49):
Creates a shell around your vulnerable parts of yourself that are important to express,
because in order to grow, you must open yourself up to the vulnerabilities of the world and
experience many different parts of it.
And the idea of boundaries is kind of providing the other side of it.
It's not a call for you to be gluttonous and take in everything for the sake of taking
(26:12):
in and experiencing it, but it's not closing off everything and creating a shell around
yourself.
It's about finding the balance between the two.
Because opening yourself up allows for growth and liberation, but telling everyone everything
can cause more harm than good to yourself.
You do not know what people will do with the information that you do not want out in the
(26:37):
public.
Being open with yourself and other people is a form of vulnerability and is the greatest
form of strength, but it's important not to take that vulnerability too far that anyone
and everyone hears your life story.
And that is the purpose of what boundaries do.
It allows us to set rules as to where we share what we deem private to us, but still allow
(27:02):
us to be vulnerable with those who we are close to and who we think will benefit from,
or at least we will benefit from their listening and advice they give.
Spiritual growth and stoic and practical growth both involve feeling the change in energy,
(27:22):
letting go of our previous defensive modes of life or previous ideas we had in our head,
and allowing us to change, stay formless, and work toward bettering ourselves on the
path of temperance and greatness, balancing vulnerability and boundaries, saying yes and
(27:47):
saying no.
Quit being a slave, but indulging in moderation to things that we think are good for us, and
never allowing anything to have control over us on our path toward discipline and self-mastery,
shoving away our ego, our conceit, or our supposed belief that something is good for
(28:11):
us, but also not putting up walls to let nothing in.
Thank you so much for listening to this episode on the idea of saying no, quitting being a
slave, the idea of discipline, and balancing our boundaries vs vulnerability.
If you would like to hear more content, feel free to drop me a follow at Stoics Virtuality
on YouTube, TikTok, and Instagram.
(28:32):
Thank you so much for listening, and see you guys next time.
Why is it more important to say no than say yes in a lot of cases?
(00:09):
How do you get and set up boundaries for yourself between others, may it be friends or family,
and why is it incredibly important for you to rule over yourself and transcend the tendency
to close?
(00:30):
Hello and welcome back to Stoic Spirituality, a podcast where I look through, dissect, and
analyze various thoughts, experiences, and books that I've had throughout the last few
years.
My name is Jagan and I'm a student of the human nature trying to spread some knowledge
out to the rest of the world.
So this episode is going to be dedicated to a more stoic depiction or illustration of
(00:54):
the concept of boundaries and the power and discipline that comes from saying no to things
more than saying yes.
I'll seek to discuss the discipline and boundaries that surround and should surround our daily
life and finish off with a bit of a spiritual touch into our tendency to close and the necessity
(01:15):
to have vulnerability in our daily lives so that we can cultivate boundaries and know
what to say yes to and know what to say no to.
So let's start off with a discussion on the idea of saying no.
So for a lot of us, we have a bit of a people pleasing instinct, a people pleasing idea or
(01:37):
concept inside of our head.
For some of us, it's stronger than others, and for me, I think it used to be stronger
than it was right now, than it is right now.
And so one thing that we or people that are people pleasing tend to possess is this inability
to say no for fear of displeasing the other person, for fear of ruffling feathers or causing
(02:02):
a bit of discomfort or discontent, and this fear of this direct confrontation also has
a basis in human nature as a concurrent fear of direct confrontation.
And that's kind of like the arisal of passive aggressiveness and kind of cutthroat dynamics
which seem very polite on the surface but are very very aggressive below.
(02:27):
But the idea of saying no comes back to prioritizing what's important to you, kind of what we
discussed a few weeks ago about focusing on what's in front of you.
Saying yes to what you believe and what you know is important also requires that you say
no to what isn't.
(02:47):
Because one of the concepts that is important to consider is the idea that you cannot benefit
from opportunities you don't take advantage of, and so while on the surface this may seem
like an illustration or a kind of a push to say yes to more things, it's also an indication
(03:08):
to know when your limits and boundaries start and how much you can actually do or work on
at the same time.
And so taking advantage of an opportunity also means putting in the effort, like solid
concurrent sets of effort toward an initiative, and for you to be able to do that, you need
(03:30):
to be able to cut out the excess, the things that don't really matter, that don't really
have an impact on what your goals and what you want to accomplish are.
And for that, for you to benefit from the true opportunities that you are given, you
must also say yes to many things, but you also must know when to say no.
(03:51):
It's the idea of disciplined action.
Not just action for the sake of action, but directed and powerful action.
It's kind of the idea between being busy and being productive.
If there is a way, for instance, to, in the most simplest of terms, copy a set of text
(04:11):
from one Word document to another Word document, what we would usually do is click Ctrl C and
then go to Ctrl V, or like click copy and then paste onto the other document.
And that is what you would say as a productive action.
But what you can see as a busy action is putting those two Word documents side by side and
transcribing everything, even though it's going to be the exact same message.
(04:37):
And so that's kind of the difference between being busy and being productive.
And the purpose of action in terms of accomplishing what you want has to be disciplined.
Remember that you are, when you're being asked to do something, or when you're being asked
to say yes to something, that means you're giving up something else.
It means you're giving up time that could be dedicated to something else.
(04:57):
You're giving up a piece of your life in exchange for something you potentially may
not even want.
But due to our people pleasing nature and our inherent fear of direct confrontation,
a lot of us tend to say yes to things that don't really matter in the long run.
So this is more of a call for you to consider things that may or may not have a benefit
(05:19):
in your life, focus on that that does, and then remember to say no to things that don't.
And so this leads into the concept and idea of putting up boundaries.
So the power of saying no is a core facet and a core concept in the creation of boundaries.
Because in this world, while it may seem like we like people who say yes to everything and
(05:42):
agree with us on everything, in truth, the people who really are respected are those
who establish and maintain boundaries, who know when to say no and who know what their
priorities are.
For other qualities that follow through with that is confidence and a sense of core knowledge
(06:03):
of who they are and who they want to be.
And that kind of confidence, while it's not really expressed in words, is picked up by
those around you.
A lot of us live in this idea of say vulgarity and immaturity where you say yes to everything
for the sake of pleasing them or making them feel happy, and then find ourselves overburdened
and over pressured to accomplish set of deadlines or finish a few many tasks without the proper
(06:29):
resources and time given to us.
And these people are cautionary tales, people who burn out really easily, who do not set
the proper boundaries amongst themselves and amongst other people.
And what is important for us to do is take these cautionary tales that we see, may it
be in stories or even in our workplace or on friends around us, and learn from them.
(06:55):
Not judge them, but learn from them.
So the idea of what boundaries really are, are these are little lines.
They're lines that you draw around a concept, a willingness to do something, or a person.
So in terms of concept, if you say for instance you choose not to smoke, or you choose not
(07:17):
to indulge in behaviors or habits you consider to be unhealthy.
When someone offers something to you like a cigarette or a vape, and you say no, that
is you drawing a line between what you will do and what you will not do.
Regardless of the pressures being mounted upon you, may it be the fear of missing out,
or may it be the other person kind of cajole you into taking the cigarette or taking this
(07:40):
vape pen.
The idea of a boundary around a concept talks a lot about knowing where your ability to
say yes ends and where your no begins.
For people, it's kind of the concept that I think Jay Shetty talks a little bit about
(08:00):
in one of his podcast episodes, where he discusses the idea of having a limit of time you're
willing to spend with someone in a month.
So there are people that you can spend weeks in a month with and feel fine.
There are people that you can spend two hours in a month with and feel fine.
And there are people that you can meet once every few months and feel fine.
(08:24):
Meet not only physically speaking, but also having conversations with them or just talking
over text, or messages, or like phone call rather.
And so the idea of these boundaries is that you know that certain people are what we call
energy vampires.
People who kind of impose all of their burdens or try to even a sense like take away all
(08:48):
your energy and leave you a shell of your former self or drain.
And what you must do is you must recognize these people immediately and keep them at
an arms length, kind of creating this discipline and boundary for yourself to say this person
I can spend this amount of time with before I feel the effects of their energy vampire-ness
(09:12):
take away my energy and what's dear to me.
And that's why like it's important to kind of identify these people.
And the primary way you can do this is if you spend time with someone for a certain
amount of time or extended period of time and then you walk away from the conversation
or you walk away driving home feeling drained.
(09:34):
That is one of the key tells for someone who is an energy vampire.
Someone who has imposed so much energy and taken away so much of yours for the sake of
their benefit or their happiness.
That's what you call an energy vampire.
So when you feel drained after and you feel like you just want to not talk to anyone and
not do anything at all, that is usually a sign of energy vampire.
(09:55):
People who are meant to be in your life for a longer period of time, people who you enjoy
spending time with, once you finish spending time with them, you'll either feel a kind
of peace or calmness or you'll feel even energized because that's the energy that
they bring to a scenario.
One that is a given take, not just a take, which is reminiscent of energy vampires.
(10:19):
And so the idea of boundaries with people or things kind of ties back to the idea of
keeping the main thing the main thing.
In a book called The Four Disciplines of Execution, there is this idea of the wig or the wildly
important goal.
And so when you keep this wildly important goal as your north star in the sky in front
(10:39):
of you, you allow yourself to focus on what is important, what you see as important in
front of you, and just like leaves in the wind, the other things go off screen.
And remember, around us, we'll see a lot of people that can get away with not having
boundaries.
We will see a lot of people that have the talent to not have boundaries and people please
(11:03):
and get where they want to get to, who are a lot of natural charismatic talkers, but
a lot of not a lot of doers.
But our boundaries leave that task to them because we cannot control their actions, we
cannot control their talking.
And we don't know what happens behind closed doors.
(11:23):
Because in the end, a lack of boundaries is not a punishment to other people around us,
it's more to ourselves.
If we don't have the ability to regulate our energy, and no one to say no, we're in
the end hurting ourselves.
And it's our call to be an adult in this world of emotional children who seek to people
(11:44):
please and seek to get a good name through vicious amounts of flattery or whatever other
techniques are necessary.
And so going more into this idea of boundaries, there are almost in a sense two general spectrums
of people who don't know how to set boundaries properly.
(12:07):
There are the compliance people, there are people that say yes, are people pleasing due
to their fuzzy boundaries and lack of knowledge of what they believe in, what they think is
right, or maybe out of fear and guilt enacted upon by other people.
Whether it is the fear of missing out, or the guilt tripping that ensues when someone
(12:28):
tries to make you do something you're not fond of, people under this category of compliance
will choose to do something for the sake of not ruffling any feathers or not having confrontation.
And there is the opposite end of the spectrum, which is avoidance.
So you avoid as people are those who say no to the good, those who kind of build walls
(12:55):
or push away people when they should be accepting and like taking in of their willingness to
help building walls instead of building gates to be open to people who they feel can truly
help them.
And so these two kind of people are two extreme ends of people we kind of want to avoid.
(13:18):
Being able to know what our boundaries are and setting those lines properly, but also
creating gates not walls so that people who mean well, who we know have our best interests
at heart, we are willing to be vulnerable with and we're willing to talk to.
(13:42):
And so while we have these people that receive almost in a sense help or lack of thereof,
or are made to do things they're not a fan of, they're also the controllers, the ones
who seek to walk over or impose upon your boundaries.
And there are kind of two kinds, there are aggressive controllers and there are manipulative
(14:04):
controllers.
So the aggressive controllers are those who refuse to hear other people's boundaries,
who take a no as a potential yes, and who run over them aggressively because they believe
that what they're doing is right, and what they believe maybe for the greater good quote
unquote or just for their temporary personal satisfaction.
(14:28):
And there are manipulative controllers who depending on how you want to see them could
be more dangerous because these people are less honest.
They attempt to kind of ask questions or shift a dialogue in a certain way to persuade others
out of their boundaries for their own personal benefit or gain.
(14:51):
And so the compliance and the avoidance are people who don't know how to set proper
boundaries in everything that they do, which causes them to be walked over.
And these manipulative and aggressive controllers walk over boundaries, one with aggression
(15:12):
and an unwillingness to hear, and two with attempts to dissuade you from your current
course of action, both for the sake of their personal gain.
And so the idea of functional and relational boundary issues, functional boundaries talks
about the ability to complete tasks with discipline, initiative, and planning.
(15:35):
And relational boundaries is the ability to speak truth in relationships as we are social
creatures as humans.
And so functional boundaries is the ability for you to know what to say no to, and know
what to say yes to, and be able to complete tasks with the ability to hold yourself to
the standard that you need to, and complete said tasks with discipline, initiative, and
(15:57):
planning.
And relational boundaries are more in terms of how you interact with other people.
When someone tries to impose something upon you, your ability to say no.
And so as you may have noticed, these two functional and relational boundaries are linked.
But some people have strengths in functional boundaries, may it be the discipline or the
self-discipline they have, and all their actions.
(16:20):
But some people also have the ability to know what to work on, what not to work on, what
to say yes to, and what not to say no to.
And some people may excel in one, or the other, or vice versa.
And so that kind of illustrates two kinds of people that try to walk over your boundaries,
and two kind of people that either don't know how to set proper boundaries, or let their
(16:46):
boundaries get walked over, and the kinds of boundary issues that people can have.
And so, if we are pursuing this idea of saying no, we have to quit being a slave in a sense.
Because more than saying no to others, one of the primary things we have to say no to
(17:07):
is ourselves, in our pursuant of self-mastery.
And the core idea of what self-mastery describes is not that we are trying to control other
things, but it's also the idea that anything that has the ability to master us, we should
be afraid of.
(17:28):
We should have an instinctive reaction or instinctive withdrawal from.
For example, say you feel like you have an addiction to certain sweets, or like smoking,
or vape.
Say we're after this idea of self-mastery and this self-independence, and we're good
at everything else.
(17:49):
What is this one grey area that we're willing to handle ourselves to for the sake of temporary
pleasure?
Why are we willing to be so strict with ourselves in everything, but except for this one little
grey area that tells us that more of me is what you need?
Telling us that without this substance stimuli, social media-wise or drug-wise, telling us
(18:17):
that you'll be unhappy, lonely, or you'll be weak without them, as shall we reform ourselves.
Self-mastery isn't just about mastering one facet of your life and leaving the rest
to ruin, it's about being well-rounded enough in all that you do that even one part
(18:38):
of your life fraying is not good for you.
And so, to be able to quit being a slave, you need to pull yourself out of the ignorance
of this dependency.
You need to pull yourself out of your addiction to whatever stimuli is causing you to rely
on something external to yourself.
(18:59):
May it be scrolling on Instagram, may it be taking a puff of something that isn't beneficial
for you, and you should get clean.
Regardless of your quote-unquote friends who look down upon you for it, or people who judge
(19:19):
you for not adhering to the crowd, because what really matters in the end is if it is
good for you, both on a physiological scale and a psychological scale.
And say it's not even harmful, say it even has like, it has no like benefits or drawbacks,
why should you take orders from something that is not your mind?
(19:43):
Why should you take orders from your stomach, or your crotch, or your social media devices
that intend to hook you in?
Why should something external to you, or something that isn't your brain, have mastery over
you?
Shouldn't you be the one who controls the other parts of your life?
(20:03):
Shouldn't your brain be the one that controls everything around you, not the other way around?
And more than the habit itself that we're quitting, we're quitting dependency.
We're quitting the necessity for us to rely on something external for our happiness
and stimulation.
(20:24):
This is not a self-whipping prophecy for you to cut out anything that does anything happy
for you, but it's allowing yourself to know that if I were to give this up tomorrow, I
would be fine.
And that's the difference between addiction and dependency, and partaking with moderation
in pleasurable activities.
(20:46):
Because we're not quitting the habit, we're quitting the dependency.
It's not the habit that's the issue, it's our concurrent need for something that is
the real issue.
And the question you want to ask yourself to help push yourself toward getting rid of
a stimuli is if it was invented or introduced today, if it began today, may it be alcohol
(21:11):
or something else, would you still start it?
Knowing all of the risks, all of the drawbacks, all of the dampening of your physiological
and psychological mind and body, would you still do it today?
If the answer is no, then you know what must be done today.
(21:33):
And remember, the fact that you didn't know then about something being harmful to you
doesn't change the fact that you know it now.
And the calling for you to call such a behavior is even higher now than it was before.
Remember, everyone has coping mechanisms, everyone has ways to address problems that
(21:56):
arise, but if you keep doing something to quote unquote take the edge off, soon enough
your edge is going to be doled altogether.
You will not have any edge to be taken off.
And whatever it is that stands in your way to your idea or pursuant of self-mastery,
you must quit, whether or not it is socially acceptable or not.
(22:18):
Remember, everyone has some bad habit, everyone has a part of us that we know we should kill
but we still go back to, but it's never too late to come back and defeat it.
May it be a toxic relationship, may it be a stimuli, or may it be a quality inside of
you like the inability to say no.
We all have the ability to start today and defeat it.
(22:41):
Because what counts is not what we do or not what we did in the past or what we're going
to do in the future but what we can do today.
We can choose to stop being a slave and choose freedom, saving ourselves so that we can take
the next step toward the greater benefit of the entire world.
And remember, ruling over yourself doesn't mean cutting off anything that could give
(23:04):
you even a slight bit of happiness or a slight bit of pleasure, it's the idea of finding
the most best economical way of directing your energy.
Because discipline is not just endurance and strength, it's not just pure raw will or raw
energy, it's about an economical use of your limited energy.
(23:27):
It's not about being so hard on yourself that you cannot do anything for your own benefit,
but it's about being disciplined, it's about using the concept of unrestrained moderation
to work yourself properly with the right stimuli and the right energy being directed in the
right direction to create a better life for yourself.
(23:51):
And one facet important to the idea of discipline is change.
Discipline can sometimes have a reputation for being very rigid in its approach and in
its kind of preconception, but that is so far from the truth.
Because one of the greatest disciplines is the discipline of flexibility, discipline
(24:12):
of change.
Robert Greene talks about it in the idea of formlessness and the idea of emptiness, stillness.
Miyamoto Musashi in his book of the five rings talks about the idea of emptiness and staying
flexible and formless in all that you do and be ready and not afraid of change.
(24:38):
Be ready to make mistakes and have to adopt, improvise, and overcome.
And the path of temperance, which tells you about the ability to say no, to set boundaries,
to quit being a slave, and use discipline economically becomes more impressive the longer
you stay at it.
It may not seem attractive and it may not seem like this easy money easy riches kind
(25:02):
of path to greatness, but it's a long slow burn that has exponential gains the longer
you stay at it.
And so we talked a lot about this idea of setting up boundaries and setting up rules
for ourselves that we do not break, but there is also another kind of idea of vulnerability,
(25:24):
which has to do with the other part of boundaries.
So in the untethered soul, there's a lot of push toward transcending the idea to close.
Remember, boundaries are useful because they let us know what is good and what is bad,
but for us to set up walls and not allow anyone else in creates a shell around you.
(25:49):
Creates a shell around your vulnerable parts of yourself that are important to express,
because in order to grow, you must open yourself up to the vulnerabilities of the world and
experience many different parts of it.
And the idea of boundaries is kind of providing the other side of it.
It's not a call for you to be gluttonous and take in everything for the sake of taking
(26:12):
in and experiencing it, but it's not closing off everything and creating a shell around
yourself.
It's about finding the balance between the two.
Because opening yourself up allows for growth and liberation, but telling everyone everything
can cause more harm than good to yourself.
You do not know what people will do with the information that you do not want out in the
(26:37):
public.
Being open with yourself and other people is a form of vulnerability and is the greatest
form of strength, but it's important not to take that vulnerability too far that anyone
and everyone hears your life story.
And that is the purpose of what boundaries do.
It allows us to set rules as to where we share what we deem private to us, but still allow
(27:02):
us to be vulnerable with those who we are close to and who we think will benefit from,
or at least we will benefit from their listening and advice they give.
Spiritual growth and stoic and practical growth both involve feeling the change in energy,
(27:22):
letting go of our previous defensive modes of life or previous ideas we had in our head,
and allowing us to change, stay formless, and work toward bettering ourselves on the
path of temperance and greatness, balancing vulnerability and boundaries, saying yes and
(27:47):
saying no.
Quit being a slave, but indulging in moderation to things that we think are good for us, and
never allowing anything to have control over us on our path toward discipline and self-mastery,
shoving away our ego, our conceit, or our supposed belief that something is good for
(28:11):
us, but also not putting up walls to let nothing in.
Thank you so much for listening to this episode on the idea of saying no, quitting being a
slave, the idea of discipline, and balancing our boundaries vs vulnerability.
If you would like to hear more content, feel free to drop me a follow at Stoics Virtuality
on YouTube, TikTok, and Instagram.
(28:32):
Thank you so much for listening, and see you guys next time.
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