August 6, 2025 • 21 mins
What if nothing’s actually “wrong”—you’re just seeing it from an outdated perspective?
In this episode, you'll learn how to interrupt spirals of stress, resentment, or drinking urges without needing to fix anyone else or wait for the perfect conditions.
We’ll explore:
- The mindset shift that instantly diffuses urges to numb
- Why “it’s just a thought” can be the most liberating realization
- How to take radical responsibility without bypassing your emotions
- The Sacred Pause process that rewires your nervous system from reactivity to trust
This isn’t about giving up alcohol—it’s about giving up the need to abandon yourself.
🔗 Tap the show notes to grab your free urge guide or book a consultation to learn how the Sacred Pause Method can change your relationship with alcohol—and everything else.
DISCLAIMER: This podcast and its contents are not a substitute for rehabilitation, medical treatment or advice. It is for educational and inspirational purposes. I am not a therapist or doctor. The views here are expressed a personal opinion and based on first hand experience. Please consult a doctor if your mental or physical health is at risk.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Welcome to Stop Drinking and Start Living the
Feminine Way.
I'm your hostess, mary Wagstaff.
Holistic Alcohol Coach andFeminine Embodiment Guide here
to help you effortlessly releasealcohol by reclaiming your
feminine essence.
Sobriety isn't just aboutquitting drinking.
It's about removing thedistortions that keep you
(00:25):
disconnected, overwhelmed andstuck in cycles of numbing.
Each week I'll share powerfultools, new perspectives that
transform and deeply relatablestories to help you step into
the power, pleasure and purposethat it is to be a woman.
This is your next evolution ofawakened empowerment.
(00:46):
Welcome to the Feminine Way.
Welcome back to the show.
My beautiful listeners.
It's Mary Wagstaff.
If you're new to the show,welcome.
I just was reflecting on thefact that it's been five and a
half years since I've been doingthis show and a lot has changed
.
Half years since I've beendoing this show and a lot has
(01:07):
changed.
I'm talking a lot about some ofthe same things, but from the
new perspectives in which I'malways evolving because, as a
coach, I'm getting to refine myprocess.
I'm meeting new women whoprocess things different and
recognizing more.
We all start from someplacedifferent and that really is the
power of private coaching.
I think different sometimesfrom a group coaching program is
(01:31):
that there's some people thatcome here and they come out of
the park swinging where they'vebeen primed, and then there are
some people that are goingthrough another really deep
transition.
Then there are some people thatare going through another
really deep transition, anothersacred threshold in their life,
whether it's they just enteredmenopause, they're just going
through a divorce, they'reshifting careers, maybe there's
(01:54):
a grief that they're goingthrough.
All of these things are aspectrum.
It's a spectrum in the privatecoaching process, through this
sacred pause method, formerlyknown as the five shifts, which
is what really this is.
It's like there's no hard andfast rules.
You can go back to alcohol, youcan go back to your old way of
(02:15):
living, your old mindset, theold ways that you've been
showing up for yourself at anytime if you want to, but let's
take this sacred pause so thatyou can just get curious and
experiment a little bit aboutwhat is it like to be held, what
is it like to show up foryourself in a new way and really
(02:36):
make self-inquiry the priority.
If self-inquiry was your numberone priority every week, what
would the impact of that be?
I mean, you know so, if everyweek, you were like, hmm, and
this is what I wanted to talkabout today, that what if all of
your problems were just aperspective?
(02:58):
What if all of your problemswere just a perspective and,
instead of compounding yourproblems by holding on to that
perspective with a tight gripand wanting to control and
change everything around you tomatch your perspective, that you
(03:19):
could change your perspectiveto find a solution instead of
having to change thecircumstances around you.
And this is essentially theessence of coaching.
Now, when it comes to the work Ido, I really work through a
feminine lens, so we don't justpower through.
And it's all about mindset, oneof the perspectives that we
(03:39):
have to change, especiallyaround alcohol.
And as we grow boundaries andas we navigate relationships, as
we age and we get older andthings become more important to
us, it's really important thatwe shift our perspectives about
how important emotionalintelligence is, and your
(04:00):
hormones are going to have a bigimpact on the shifting of your
emotional bandwidth.
What is what's even importantto you, what you desire and
those?
That is the first step.
So I have a process I teach myclients called the ETA.
It stands for emotion, thought,action, and when you are in a
(04:24):
perspective that's not servingyou, that you're.
You know you've just resigned.
You're resigning to a life ofalcohol.
There's no hope.
This is just the way that it is.
Or you have another perspectivethat you know life is going to
be boring without drinking.
Now there's an emotion that'sgoing to be associated with that
(04:45):
right Maybe sadness, maybegrief, maybe disappointment.
It's so important for us tomeet that emotion first, because
in order to do that, in orderto shift the perspective without
changing the circumstancesaround us, you have to make
space in your body for a newperspective to land, and most
(05:08):
people don't really understandwhat it means to support
themselves emotionally.
We know we have emotions, butwhat happens often is we're
seeking something else outsideof ourself to kind of give us
permission or help us understandmore.
So maybe there's an argumentwith a spouse and we project
(05:32):
right.
Instead of really looking atwhat's happening inside for us
and doing some shifting of ourown perspectives and taking some
of the sacred pause moments tobreathe, to experience the
sensations in our body, to restand regulate our nervous system,
we start projecting aboutwhat's wrong outside, and if
(05:52):
only this could change, then Icould soften, and this has been
very much something that I'vehad to experience, one of the
reasons that I am here is formany reasons, but I think first
and foremost so that we can know, as a collective of women, that
we're not alone, and for me tohave a platform that feels
(06:16):
really comfortable for me toshare vulnerably.
It feels really safe.
You're here specificallylistening to this, to gain some
new insight, to gain awarenessand hopefully to go apply
something to your own life, andalso to connect and let people
who need my support and myservices to let them, and that I
(06:37):
have it all figured out, butthat I am implementing coaching
practices and practices of humandevelopment and mindset and
mindfulness and things and toolsthat I've gathered over the
years, that I'm actuallyimplementing them in my life so
that then I can serve people,because most coaches are doing
(07:03):
the work of coaching, mostcoaches have coaches right, like
I just had a coaching callyesterday with someone and it
was very powerful and it wasexactly what I needed to be
supported, to be heard, just tokind of sift through some of the
confusion that I was having,and because what my go-to is
oftentimes is to go to mypartner, is to go to Matthew,
(07:27):
and it's almost like in 12 yearsI haven't figured out that he's
there for some things but it'snot his role.
He's created boundaries aroundit and it doesn't really serve
our relationship.
And so here's where theperspective could be a problem.
I could think that that's wrong.
He should be there for me nomatter what.
He should listen, he should tryto solve my problems right, I
(07:49):
could have all of these things.
Or he's not there for me, hedoesn't care, versus I'm going
to be better served somewhereelse with someone that has a
skill set and you know moreneutrality in our relationship
and you know kind of like somespace, because when you're in,
when you share energetic space,the boundaries get smaller, you
(08:10):
know so.
So my perspective is this ishis boundary, this is his
sovereignty, and I would wanthim, or anyone, to respect my
boundaries.
Right, and he's so sweet thatoftentimes he listens to me go
off about something that I'mconfused about or that maybe I'm
upset about, or I didn't getthe result I wanted.
(08:30):
But it often doesn't turn outwell because he's in his kind of
insecure attachment style,which is avoidant attachment.
He looks a little bit like deerin headlights.
He gets overwhelmed and then,instead of feeling those
emotions for himself, he getskind of frustrated and angry and
it just.
It's a cycle.
That's happened so many timesand I get in my insecure
(08:52):
attachment style with him.
Only with him am I do.
I have this anxious attachmentstyle where I'm like, let's fix
it, let's sit down, like, likethis is what you should do, like
this is what I need to hear inthose moments, right, and so I
can, because I don't like thatresult, I'm coming back.
(09:12):
I'm coming back to reflect onwhat is my perspective of the
situation.
Well, my perspective is that ifthis thing outside of myself
changed this part of you know,like if Matthew was better at
his schedule, it would be easierfor me to stay focused and
organized.
(09:32):
Now, when I say that out loud,how is that not true?
I mean, it's absolutelyridiculous to think someone
else's schedule and yes, ourenergies do overlap, and if you
just see someone running aroundall the time kind of in chaos,
like you know.
But what are the boundariesright?
What are the boundaries I needto create for myself so that
someone can live their sovereignlife, and that it's not my way
(09:55):
or the highway, that it's, thatthere's no right way to live,
because I have to shift theperspective.
To put that same reflection onme.
Would I want someone telling methat this is the right way,
that this is the way you need tolive?
No, but we can come togetherand compromise and get very,
very clear about our boundaries.
(10:18):
So what I want you to askyourself is what's the main
perspective?
Because perspectives are justbeliefs, but they have such an
impact because they're ourself-concept, they're how we see
ourself in the world, and likea narcissistic tendency.
If you know anyone who hasnarcissistic tendencies, which
(10:41):
is a spectrum those people areoften not willing to
self-reflect.
That's really the essence of anarcissist.
They can't look at their ownperspective with objectivity and
even if they do, they stillwant to believe that their
perspective is the correct way.
(11:01):
And if they do change theirperspective, it's typically
self-serving, it's veryegocentric, it's not to really
support necessarily the otherperson, and I've been really
recognizing this a lot in people.
But I digress, this isimportant for you to know and
(11:21):
I'm not saying you're anarcissist, but I think we all
have narcissistic tendencies.
But it's important for you tosay am I willing to shift my
perspective?
And then this is about you.
But what we do in privatecoaching is we really look at
the full spectrum of the impactof your life and how that
equates to your drinking, howthat equates to your happiness
(11:43):
in your relationship, yourfulfillment with yourself.
But we have to start.
You know you are the center ofthe wheel of change, so we have
to start there.
And you know a question youcould ask yourself, depending on
what feels the most serving foryou right now, in this moment,
kind of the thing that feelslike the biggest problem in your
(12:03):
life and if you're here, itpotentially is alcohol.
But there might be a reasonthat you know you're drinking
right.
Like I am so stressed out atwork, like work is so
overwhelming me, the only thingI have no left to do is to drink
right.
So it's not so much the alcohol, but your belief is that if
(12:24):
things changed at work, it wouldbe easier for you to not drink.
So we have to understand whatyour perspective is that's
creating that stress at work,because oftentimes it's not the
circumstances.
Most of the time it's not thecircumstances.
(12:44):
Now, things can always beunhealthy and there can be abuse
and neglect and all sorts ofthings.
A workload can be overwhelming,but you've really got to break
it down.
You've really got to break downthe choices that you're making,
the perspectives that you have.
When I worked in real estate,everything was always a fire,
(13:06):
right?
Not for me, necessarily, butfor some of the realtors that I
observed that I worked with, andif they didn't answer their
phone all hours of the night,then their clients were going to
go find someone else and it'slike, okay, that's the
perspective.
So how is it true you want tofind what supports you?
How is it true that, bycreating boundaries, you're
(13:29):
going to be supporting yourclients more?
Right, because you're not goingto be giving them the
opportunity to vent, to freakout.
They're going to have to managetheir emotions, because going
to just find another realtorthat you've worked with, you
know, is like a lot of work,right?
So this is what we do incoaching.
We find the perspective thatyou have that feels like it's
(13:49):
creating the biggest problem,and with alcohol it could be.
My spouse drinks and there'sjust no way that I cannot drink
if they are drinking every night, right?
So you have to know that thatis a perspective.
It is not something thateveryone believes, and the
reason we know that is becausewe know that there are many
(14:11):
people who relationships whereone person drinks and one person
doesn't.
So we have to ask ourselves isthis a fact or is this a
perspective?
And if it's a perspective, wehave to ask ourselves is this a
fact or is this a perspective?
And if it's a perspective, thenwe know.
First, this is the first step inthe sacred pause.
Okay, this is a perspectivethat I'm willing to shift, and
(14:34):
the first step is neutrality ofthe facts.
Right, my partner drinks.
My partner drinks, he drinksevery day and he has typically
three drinks a day at this timeof day.
So you kind of want to breakdown the facts of what that
actually looks like, so that youcan know how you're going to
start creating a new perspectivefor you, how you're going to
(14:54):
shift your focus from theexpectation that that person
needs to change to what does myintention need to be During that
time?
Does my intention need to beDuring that time, I want to
start creating a system ofexquisite self-care for myself,
one of the milestones and thefoundations of the feminine way.
(15:15):
I want to create a regimen anda system for exquisite care
during that time when my husbanddrinks.
And we're just going to startthere, and that's the
perspective.
The perspective could be.
It's a perfect time for me togo do my own thing.
Right, for me to set up aself-care date with myself, for
me to phone a friend, for me totake my kiddo to the park right
(15:38):
Now.
You might have objections for mesaying this yeah, but
da-da-da-da-da-da-da, right,whatever it is.
And I want you to hear those.
I really want you to hear those.
But first, before you go changeanything and you go change your
thought, I want you to askyourself too how does that
perspective make me feel, thatperspective that he's never
(15:59):
going to change and it's goingto be so hard?
There's going to bedisappointment, and I want you
to take a moment to feel thatinside of your body and take a
couple of deep breaths andreally hold space for that
disappointment right Now.
I'm not saying that that's whatit has to be, but if we never
(16:20):
give our emotions the chance tohave a beginning, middle and end
, they will keep coming back upin another form.
So we can change thecircumstances, we can change our
thoughts, but our emotions areenergetic imprints of our body
that have to have a completecycle for them to be released,
(16:42):
because they're part of theself-concept system.
So this is the confirmationbias that we exist.
If we can't find proof for thatdisappointment that has been
part of our personality anymorein our husband, we will go find
it somewhere else.
And I've experienced this in myown sobriety.
(17:02):
Right I've experienced wherethere was seeking, say seeking
of a goal outside of myself, andI answered so many of those
questions in sobriety.
I tapped into feminineembodiment, where I was kind of
a wanderlust for a long time andI was always kind of like
seeking the answers to theuniverse outside and I realized
(17:26):
everything is within me and whenI'm sober I have access to more
of that information.
But I can see emotionalpatterns that are surfacing now
that are coming out in kind ofunhealthy ways.
Some of those are just becauseI'm getting older too and I have
different desires, but theykeep coming back up again and
(17:47):
again and again.
So confusion is one of them,indecision is one of them.
Lack of consistency, which Ireally nipped in the bud for
five years as I got sober.
And recently I'm seeing, with alittle bit of stress and a
little bit of nervous systemdysregulation, that some of
those, in a way less way, arekind of creeping back in and my
(18:12):
initial thing is to want toblame this example that I gave
you about Matthew and hisschedule, but I have to take
control first for me, and thefirst part is to feel that
confusion.
The first part is to feel theoverwhelm and allow that to have
its space and then I can go inand shift my perspective right,
(18:33):
instead of just kind ofrepeating the story of I'm going
to start Monday morning.
Here we go, I'm going to honormy schedule this week.
I'm going to stick to thisthing.
I'm going to post every day.
Well, that's the same habitualmindset that we have when we say
we're never going to drinkagain.
So I'm applying the sacred pausemethod now to my own life, in a
(18:58):
different category.
I'm applying it now to myrelationship to my boundaries.
I'm applying it now to myrelationship to my boundaries,
to my schedule and creating newsystems for myself.
But I have to first allowmyself to feel and then I have
to understand well what's theperspective that's really
creating the problem.
I hope you have an amazing weekand I'm going to take you on
(19:20):
this journey of boundaries withme of becoming a more securely
attached woman as we go onthrough these next several weeks
, because my belief is thatsecure attachment really is the
framework that createsboundaries.
Boundaries haven't always beensuper clear to me.
(19:43):
It's like what even is aboundary.
So we're going to explore thatmore and we can learn together
and grow together.
I hope you're having an amazingweek and I wanted to let you
know that I have space for someprivate consultations coming up
this week.
So stepping into a newperspective creates taking a new
(20:05):
action, a new behavior.
Right that there is a new way,and coaching is the first step
of creating that newself-concept for yourself.
So everything you need to knowis in the show notes.
I can't wait to connect withyou and I will talk soon.
The days of white knuckling yourway through an urge are over.
(20:29):
No more distracting yourself,no more avoiding alcohol, no
more resisting, and I am notexaggerating when I say that
doing this one thing for fiveminutes will change not only how
successful you are in drinkingless, but how much you will love
your alcohol-free life.
You are going to feel so good.
So come on over to my websiteor follow the link right here in
(20:52):
the show notes to grab the freeurge guide that gives you the
exact cheat codes to use to findrelief without a drink and the
best part is, no deprivation, nomissing out required.
I'll see you overmarywagstaffcoachcom.
Welcome to Stop Drinking and Start Living the
Feminine Way.
I'm your hostess, mary Wagstaff.
Holistic Alcohol Coach andFeminine Embodiment Guide here
to help you effortlessly releasealcohol by reclaiming your
feminine essence.
Sobriety isn't just aboutquitting drinking.
It's about removing thedistortions that keep you
(00:25):
disconnected, overwhelmed andstuck in cycles of numbing.
Each week I'll share powerfultools, new perspectives that
transform and deeply relatablestories to help you step into
the power, pleasure and purposethat it is to be a woman.
This is your next evolution ofawakened empowerment.
(00:46):
Welcome to the Feminine Way.
Welcome back to the show.
My beautiful listeners.
It's Mary Wagstaff.
If you're new to the show,welcome.
I just was reflecting on thefact that it's been five and a
half years since I've been doingthis show and a lot has changed
.
Half years since I've beendoing this show and a lot has
(01:07):
changed.
I'm talking a lot about some ofthe same things, but from the
new perspectives in which I'malways evolving because, as a
coach, I'm getting to refine myprocess.
I'm meeting new women whoprocess things different and
recognizing more.
We all start from someplacedifferent and that really is the
power of private coaching.
I think different sometimesfrom a group coaching program is
(01:31):
that there's some people thatcome here and they come out of
the park swinging where they'vebeen primed, and then there are
some people that are goingthrough another really deep
transition.
Then there are some people thatare going through another
really deep transition, anothersacred threshold in their life,
whether it's they just enteredmenopause, they're just going
through a divorce, they'reshifting careers, maybe there's
(01:54):
a grief that they're goingthrough.
All of these things are aspectrum.
It's a spectrum in the privatecoaching process, through this
sacred pause method, formerlyknown as the five shifts, which
is what really this is.
It's like there's no hard andfast rules.
You can go back to alcohol, youcan go back to your old way of
(02:15):
living, your old mindset, theold ways that you've been
showing up for yourself at anytime if you want to, but let's
take this sacred pause so thatyou can just get curious and
experiment a little bit aboutwhat is it like to be held, what
is it like to show up foryourself in a new way and really
(02:36):
make self-inquiry the priority.
If self-inquiry was your numberone priority every week, what
would the impact of that be?
I mean, you know so, if everyweek, you were like, hmm, and
this is what I wanted to talkabout today, that what if all of
your problems were just aperspective?
(02:58):
What if all of your problemswere just a perspective and,
instead of compounding yourproblems by holding on to that
perspective with a tight gripand wanting to control and
change everything around you tomatch your perspective, that you
(03:19):
could change your perspectiveto find a solution instead of
having to change thecircumstances around you.
And this is essentially theessence of coaching.
Now, when it comes to the work Ido, I really work through a
feminine lens, so we don't justpower through.
And it's all about mindset, oneof the perspectives that we
(03:39):
have to change, especiallyaround alcohol.
And as we grow boundaries andas we navigate relationships, as
we age and we get older andthings become more important to
us, it's really important thatwe shift our perspectives about
how important emotionalintelligence is, and your
(04:00):
hormones are going to have a bigimpact on the shifting of your
emotional bandwidth.
What is what's even importantto you, what you desire and
those?
That is the first step.
So I have a process I teach myclients called the ETA.
It stands for emotion, thought,action, and when you are in a
(04:24):
perspective that's not servingyou, that you're.
You know you've just resigned.
You're resigning to a life ofalcohol.
There's no hope.
This is just the way that it is.
Or you have another perspectivethat you know life is going to
be boring without drinking.
Now there's an emotion that'sgoing to be associated with that
(04:45):
right Maybe sadness, maybegrief, maybe disappointment.
It's so important for us tomeet that emotion first, because
in order to do that, in orderto shift the perspective without
changing the circumstancesaround us, you have to make
space in your body for a newperspective to land, and most
(05:08):
people don't really understandwhat it means to support
themselves emotionally.
We know we have emotions, butwhat happens often is we're
seeking something else outsideof ourself to kind of give us
permission or help us understandmore.
So maybe there's an argumentwith a spouse and we project
(05:32):
right.
Instead of really looking atwhat's happening inside for us
and doing some shifting of ourown perspectives and taking some
of the sacred pause moments tobreathe, to experience the
sensations in our body, to restand regulate our nervous system,
we start projecting aboutwhat's wrong outside, and if
(05:52):
only this could change, then Icould soften, and this has been
very much something that I'vehad to experience, one of the
reasons that I am here is formany reasons, but I think first
and foremost so that we can know, as a collective of women, that
we're not alone, and for me tohave a platform that feels
(06:16):
really comfortable for me toshare vulnerably.
It feels really safe.
You're here specificallylistening to this, to gain some
new insight, to gain awarenessand hopefully to go apply
something to your own life, andalso to connect and let people
who need my support and myservices to let them, and that I
(06:37):
have it all figured out, butthat I am implementing coaching
practices and practices of humandevelopment and mindset and
mindfulness and things and toolsthat I've gathered over the
years, that I'm actuallyimplementing them in my life so
that then I can serve people,because most coaches are doing
(07:03):
the work of coaching, mostcoaches have coaches right, like
I just had a coaching callyesterday with someone and it
was very powerful and it wasexactly what I needed to be
supported, to be heard, just tokind of sift through some of the
confusion that I was having,and because what my go-to is
oftentimes is to go to mypartner, is to go to Matthew,
(07:27):
and it's almost like in 12 yearsI haven't figured out that he's
there for some things but it'snot his role.
He's created boundaries aroundit and it doesn't really serve
our relationship.
And so here's where theperspective could be a problem.
I could think that that's wrong.
He should be there for me nomatter what.
He should listen, he should tryto solve my problems right, I
(07:49):
could have all of these things.
Or he's not there for me, hedoesn't care, versus I'm going
to be better served somewhereelse with someone that has a
skill set and you know moreneutrality in our relationship
and you know kind of like somespace, because when you're in,
when you share energetic space,the boundaries get smaller, you
(08:10):
know so.
So my perspective is this ishis boundary, this is his
sovereignty, and I would wanthim, or anyone, to respect my
boundaries.
Right, and he's so sweet thatoftentimes he listens to me go
off about something that I'mconfused about or that maybe I'm
upset about, or I didn't getthe result I wanted.
(08:30):
But it often doesn't turn outwell because he's in his kind of
insecure attachment style,which is avoidant attachment.
He looks a little bit like deerin headlights.
He gets overwhelmed and then,instead of feeling those
emotions for himself, he getskind of frustrated and angry and
it just.
It's a cycle.
That's happened so many timesand I get in my insecure
(08:52):
attachment style with him.
Only with him am I do.
I have this anxious attachmentstyle where I'm like, let's fix
it, let's sit down, like, likethis is what you should do, like
this is what I need to hear inthose moments, right, and so I
can, because I don't like thatresult, I'm coming back.
(09:12):
I'm coming back to reflect onwhat is my perspective of the
situation.
Well, my perspective is that ifthis thing outside of myself
changed this part of you know,like if Matthew was better at
his schedule, it would be easierfor me to stay focused and
organized.
(09:32):
Now, when I say that out loud,how is that not true?
I mean, it's absolutelyridiculous to think someone
else's schedule and yes, ourenergies do overlap, and if you
just see someone running aroundall the time kind of in chaos,
like you know.
But what are the boundariesright?
What are the boundaries I needto create for myself so that
someone can live their sovereignlife, and that it's not my way
(09:55):
or the highway, that it's, thatthere's no right way to live,
because I have to shift theperspective.
To put that same reflection onme.
Would I want someone telling methat this is the right way,
that this is the way you need tolive?
No, but we can come togetherand compromise and get very,
very clear about our boundaries.
(10:18):
So what I want you to askyourself is what's the main
perspective?
Because perspectives are justbeliefs, but they have such an
impact because they're ourself-concept, they're how we see
ourself in the world, and likea narcissistic tendency.
If you know anyone who hasnarcissistic tendencies, which
(10:41):
is a spectrum those people areoften not willing to
self-reflect.
That's really the essence of anarcissist.
They can't look at their ownperspective with objectivity and
even if they do, they stillwant to believe that their
perspective is the correct way.
(11:01):
And if they do change theirperspective, it's typically
self-serving, it's veryegocentric, it's not to really
support necessarily the otherperson, and I've been really
recognizing this a lot in people.
But I digress, this isimportant for you to know and
(11:21):
I'm not saying you're anarcissist, but I think we all
have narcissistic tendencies.
But it's important for you tosay am I willing to shift my
perspective?
And then this is about you.
But what we do in privatecoaching is we really look at
the full spectrum of the impactof your life and how that
equates to your drinking, howthat equates to your happiness
(11:43):
in your relationship, yourfulfillment with yourself.
But we have to start.
You know you are the center ofthe wheel of change, so we have
to start there.
And you know a question youcould ask yourself, depending on
what feels the most serving foryou right now, in this moment,
kind of the thing that feelslike the biggest problem in your
(12:03):
life and if you're here, itpotentially is alcohol.
But there might be a reasonthat you know you're drinking
right.
Like I am so stressed out atwork, like work is so
overwhelming me, the only thingI have no left to do is to drink
right.
So it's not so much the alcohol, but your belief is that if
(12:24):
things changed at work, it wouldbe easier for you to not drink.
So we have to understand whatyour perspective is that's
creating that stress at work,because oftentimes it's not the
circumstances.
Most of the time it's not thecircumstances.
(12:44):
Now, things can always beunhealthy and there can be abuse
and neglect and all sorts ofthings.
A workload can be overwhelming,but you've really got to break
it down.
You've really got to break downthe choices that you're making,
the perspectives that you have.
When I worked in real estate,everything was always a fire,
(13:06):
right?
Not for me, necessarily, butfor some of the realtors that I
observed that I worked with, andif they didn't answer their
phone all hours of the night,then their clients were going to
go find someone else and it'slike, okay, that's the
perspective.
So how is it true you want tofind what supports you?
How is it true that, bycreating boundaries, you're
(13:29):
going to be supporting yourclients more?
Right, because you're not goingto be giving them the
opportunity to vent, to freakout.
They're going to have to managetheir emotions, because going
to just find another realtorthat you've worked with, you
know, is like a lot of work,right?
So this is what we do incoaching.
We find the perspective thatyou have that feels like it's
(13:49):
creating the biggest problem,and with alcohol it could be.
My spouse drinks and there'sjust no way that I cannot drink
if they are drinking every night, right?
So you have to know that thatis a perspective.
It is not something thateveryone believes, and the
reason we know that is becausewe know that there are many
(14:11):
people who relationships whereone person drinks and one person
doesn't.
So we have to ask ourselves isthis a fact or is this a
perspective?
And if it's a perspective, wehave to ask ourselves is this a
fact or is this a perspective?
And if it's a perspective, thenwe know.
First, this is the first step inthe sacred pause.
Okay, this is a perspectivethat I'm willing to shift, and
(14:34):
the first step is neutrality ofthe facts.
Right, my partner drinks.
My partner drinks, he drinksevery day and he has typically
three drinks a day at this timeof day.
So you kind of want to breakdown the facts of what that
actually looks like, so that youcan know how you're going to
start creating a new perspectivefor you, how you're going to
(14:54):
shift your focus from theexpectation that that person
needs to change to what does myintention need to be During that
time?
Does my intention need to beDuring that time, I want to
start creating a system ofexquisite self-care for myself,
one of the milestones and thefoundations of the feminine way.
(15:15):
I want to create a regimen anda system for exquisite care
during that time when my husbanddrinks.
And we're just going to startthere, and that's the
perspective.
The perspective could be.
It's a perfect time for me togo do my own thing.
Right, for me to set up aself-care date with myself, for
me to phone a friend, for me totake my kiddo to the park right
(15:38):
Now.
You might have objections for mesaying this yeah, but
da-da-da-da-da-da-da, right,whatever it is.
And I want you to hear those.
I really want you to hear those.
But first, before you go changeanything and you go change your
thought, I want you to askyourself too how does that
perspective make me feel, thatperspective that he's never
(15:59):
going to change and it's goingto be so hard?
There's going to bedisappointment, and I want you
to take a moment to feel thatinside of your body and take a
couple of deep breaths andreally hold space for that
disappointment right Now.
I'm not saying that that's whatit has to be, but if we never
(16:20):
give our emotions the chance tohave a beginning, middle and end
, they will keep coming back upin another form.
So we can change thecircumstances, we can change our
thoughts, but our emotions areenergetic imprints of our body
that have to have a completecycle for them to be released,
(16:42):
because they're part of theself-concept system.
So this is the confirmationbias that we exist.
If we can't find proof for thatdisappointment that has been
part of our personality anymorein our husband, we will go find
it somewhere else.
And I've experienced this in myown sobriety.
(17:02):
Right I've experienced wherethere was seeking, say seeking
of a goal outside of myself, andI answered so many of those
questions in sobriety.
I tapped into feminineembodiment, where I was kind of
a wanderlust for a long time andI was always kind of like
seeking the answers to theuniverse outside and I realized
(17:26):
everything is within me and whenI'm sober I have access to more
of that information.
But I can see emotionalpatterns that are surfacing now
that are coming out in kind ofunhealthy ways.
Some of those are just becauseI'm getting older too and I have
different desires, but theykeep coming back up again and
(17:47):
again and again.
So confusion is one of them,indecision is one of them.
Lack of consistency, which Ireally nipped in the bud for
five years as I got sober.
And recently I'm seeing, with alittle bit of stress and a
little bit of nervous systemdysregulation, that some of
those, in a way less way, arekind of creeping back in and my
(18:12):
initial thing is to want toblame this example that I gave
you about Matthew and hisschedule, but I have to take
control first for me, and thefirst part is to feel that
confusion.
The first part is to feel theoverwhelm and allow that to have
its space and then I can go inand shift my perspective right,
(18:33):
instead of just kind ofrepeating the story of I'm going
to start Monday morning.
Here we go, I'm going to honormy schedule this week.
I'm going to stick to thisthing.
I'm going to post every day.
Well, that's the same habitualmindset that we have when we say
we're never going to drinkagain.
So I'm applying the sacred pausemethod now to my own life, in a
(18:58):
different category.
I'm applying it now to myrelationship to my boundaries.
I'm applying it now to myrelationship to my boundaries,
to my schedule and creating newsystems for myself.
But I have to first allowmyself to feel and then I have
to understand well what's theperspective that's really
creating the problem.
I hope you have an amazing weekand I'm going to take you on
(19:20):
this journey of boundaries withme of becoming a more securely
attached woman as we go onthrough these next several weeks
, because my belief is thatsecure attachment really is the
framework that createsboundaries.
Boundaries haven't always beensuper clear to me.
(19:43):
It's like what even is aboundary.
So we're going to explore thatmore and we can learn together
and grow together.
I hope you're having an amazingweek and I wanted to let you
know that I have space for someprivate consultations coming up
this week.
So stepping into a newperspective creates taking a new
(20:05):
action, a new behavior.
Right that there is a new way,and coaching is the first step
of creating that newself-concept for yourself.
So everything you need to knowis in the show notes.
I can't wait to connect withyou and I will talk soon.
The days of white knuckling yourway through an urge are over.
(20:29):
No more distracting yourself,no more avoiding alcohol, no
more resisting, and I am notexaggerating when I say that
doing this one thing for fiveminutes will change not only how
successful you are in drinkingless, but how much you will love
your alcohol-free life.
You are going to feel so good.
So come on over to my websiteor follow the link right here in
(20:52):
the show notes to grab the freeurge guide that gives you the
exact cheat codes to use to findrelief without a drink and the
best part is, no deprivation, nomissing out required.
I'll see you overmarywagstaffcoachcom.
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