Is Not Drinking a Form of Punishment? The Feminine Way to True Freedom

You get to decide what sobriety means for you.

Today’s episode is inspired by a listener question:

“How do we ensure we're not using not drinking alcohol as a form of punishment or deprivation?”

This question is huge, because how you think about alcohol—and about quitting it—determines your experience of sobriety. The feminine way to releasing alcohol isn’t about willpower or restriction; it’s about embodying a new way of being—one where not drinking becomes an act of self-honor, not self-denial.

•  What You’ll Learn in This Episode:
•  Why the belief that sobriety is punishment is just that—a belief
•  How to shift your mindset so that quitting drinking feels like a gift, not a loss
•  The role of safety in the feminine way of transformation
•  How to explore and rewrite your beliefs about alcohol
•  Why your body is already designed to generate real pleasure—without alcohol

This Is Not Deprivation—It’s Awakening
Sobriety is not about taking something away. It’s about waking up to the truth of who you are. It’s about stepping into an embodied experience of peace, power, and pleasure.

Listen and Apply

•  What do you believe about alcohol?
•  How does that belief shape your experience?
•  What if quitting drinking was the most loving thing you could do for yourself?

This is your invitation to step back, create space, and start questioning everything you thought was true.

• 🎧 Tune in now, and if this episode resonates, send me a message with your own reflections and questions for coaching. Let’s keep this conversation going!

- Ready to quit drinking without feeling like you’re missing out? Book a free call here.

DISCLAIMER: This podcast and its contents are not a substitute for rehabilitation, medical treatment or advice. It is for educational and inspirational purposes. I am not a therapist or doctor. The views here are expressed a personal opinion and based on first hand experience. Please consult a doctor if your mental or physical health is at risk.

Episode Transcript

Mary Wagstaff (00:02):
Music. Welcome to stop drinking and start living
the feminine way. I'm yourhostess. Mary Wagstaff, holistic
alcohol coach and feminineembodiment guide here to help
you effortlessly release alcoholby reclaiming your feminine
essence. Sobriety isn't justabout quitting drinking, it's
about removing the distortionsthat keep you disconnected,

(00:26):
overwhelmed and stuck in cyclesof numbing. Each week, I'll
share powerful tools, newperspectives that transform and
deeply relatable stories to helpyou step into the power pleasure
and purpose that it is to be awoman. This is your next
evolution of awakenedempowerment. Welcome to the

(00:47):
feminine way. Welcome back tothe show. My beautiful
listeners, thank you so much forbeing here. We're back, and what
I want you to know about thefeminine way is that you are
going to learn a newperspective, a new way to live
that I did not emphasize in thelast round of stop drinking and

(01:10):
start living, because I wasn'tembodying the feminine way, and
I didn't have the embodiedexperience and like I shared
briefly in our Last episode, tofully know something, we have to
live it. And I won't say I'm anexpert at it, but I will say I
understand it deeply, becauseI've had these beautiful glit,

(01:31):
not even just glimpses, but astark contrast, a stark
contrast, just like we canexperience with alcohol,
something that feels so far awayfrom what we know the life we
want to live is, but yet we areso conditioned and identify with
this one set of beliefs and thisone set of thoughts that we

(01:56):
don't really like. Have thatembodied experience yet, right?
So the feminine way is anembodied way. It is an embodied
experience of truly findingenough safety to be able to let
go of the need to controleverything. And this is why it
relates so deeply to alcohol.
This is why this is the processto releasing alcohol with grace,

(02:18):
and we will get more in to allof that as we continue our show.
But for today, I want to remindyou, please send in your
message. Please text me. Go tothe show notes. Follow the link
at the very top that says, SendMary a text, and we received

(02:38):
some some feedback, some fanmail, as it's called. But what I
want this to be is your shortstories, your takeaways, and
also your questions forcoaching. So this fan mail or
inquiry comes from ChicoCalifornia, and just so you know
how it shows up for me, unlessyou put it in the message, I

(03:01):
will not know who it is. It justsays where it comes from, and
the last four digits of thephone number, because it is
essentially a text message thatyou send that then shows up for
me on a website. So it does comedirectly to me. No one else sees
it. So if you want to say hi andtell me who you are, you can.

(03:23):
Otherwise, I just know ChicoCalifornia. So this question, of
course, I don't have the abilityto have a conversation with this
person, so I'm going to do mybest. From a coaching
perspective, this person asks,How do we ensure we're not using
not drinking alcohol as a formof punishment or deprivation. So

(03:43):
this is a really, reallyinteresting question. So is
withholding alcohol a way ofpunishing ourselves? And really,
what this comes down to is yourown beliefs, right? What does it
feel like for you? What are thethoughts that you have when

(04:04):
you're saying you can't drink?
You can't drink because you'vebeen bad. You can't drink
because you're not a goodperson, right? So so we really
don't know, but for thislistener, and for anyone else
who thinks that not drinking isa form of punishment or

(04:25):
deprivation? Now, the reason onemight feel deprivated, right is
because they have associatedalcohol with pleasure, and
that's very obvious, right? Butas an intentional form of
punishment or deprivation,because it all depends on your

(04:50):
beliefs. If you ask me, I wouldsay it's the opposite. I believe
not drinking is a form ofhonoring yourself as a form of
celebrating. Yourself, right?
But when you are in the mindsetand the self concept of the
version of you that hasdeveloped all of these beliefs

(05:10):
and a strong habit or anaddiction around alcohol, for
many people, it feels likedeprivation, but it's only
intentional if you believe thatit is, if you only believe that
it's a form of punishment. Andso one of the things that I work
with, with myself, with myclients, is we create something

(05:31):
called a belief goal. And abelief goal is a belief that
you're working towards. Andwe've talked about this so much
on the show is, what do I wantto believe? Because we know that
beliefs aren't facts. Beliefsare just the thoughts in your

(05:51):
brain that you've thought somany times you can't even see
that they're not facts. You justsee them as truth, right? And so
we get so overwhelmed by ourthinking that we create a state
of panic and a state of worrythat then we need to use alcohol
to calm, because you don't haveany other tools right now. So

(06:15):
part of the approach that I takeis taking this big step back and
with the feminine way, it's aneven bigger step back to a first
establish safety, because if notdrinking feels like punishment
and deprivation, well thatdoesn't feel very safe. So we

(06:38):
have to create a sense of safetywhere you can be vulnerable
enough to explore my beliefs.
Because I will say, as oneawakens, which, to me, is
awakening to the truth that yourbeliefs are not facts. Your

(07:00):
beliefs are subjectiveinterpretations of the world,
and you have a willingness to bewrong, right? What else am I
wrong about? I thought alcoholwas the end all be all. I
thought it was like the bestthing ever, right? And so would
you have that willingness to bewrong, that can be can be very

(07:23):
vulnerable. And since I haveawakened from alcohol, which
means I've awakened from thedistortions of what I thought
was true for me. And of course,everything I share on this show
is from my first handexperience, observing my clients
and my embodied experience. Itis just my opinion, but I would

(07:44):
like to teach you in a neutralway, so that you can explore it
yourself. So anything that Ishare, I try to share from a
neutral perspective, a beat ofit being my opinion for me, but
since I have awakened fromthinking alcohol was the best
version of my life to thinkingthat it's such an honor to

(08:05):
myself to not drink, and itallows me connect deeper, to to
God, to my higher power, to myhigher self, to alignment with
my values, Right? I have alsosince started to awaken to other
truths in my life that justwasn't available to me because I

(08:27):
was growing, because I was stilllearning, because I didn't have
that sense of safety. And what Ifind is that this kind of
inquiry can be doneintentionally, but it does feel
more available, the willingnessand the availability to take a
step back as we get older,because we have established a

(08:50):
sense of a foundation of who weare. And a lot of times we do
have a sense of safety, like ourbasic needs are being met. You
have a job, you have a partner,you have a family, you have a
home, you know, you kind of knowwhat your day to day is going to
be like. And we're going to getmore and more into that, because
this is huge. So in order foryou to examine this, dear

(09:10):
listener, Chico, you are goingto really need to take a step
back and just first, from areally neutral perspective,
uncover, well, what are mybeliefs and why? Why would it be
a form of punishment ordeprivation? How is that true?
How is it true that it's theopposite of that? So we want to

(09:32):
ask some new questions to reallydraw out the answer.
Now, I have an opinion, which Ithink not drinking is never a
form of deprivation orpunishment, you know? And I've
got a lot of reasons why, butyou need to believe that for
yourself, right? And of course,if you on a physical level, if

(09:54):
your body is used to somethingand you're taking in a chemical
that creates a. Wrong pleasureresponse well, and you don't,
and you have the absence of thatin that definition is a
deprivation, right? You aredepriving yourself of something
that you your body was regularlyexpecting or regularly relying

(10:18):
on, but we know that it issynthetic, right? It's a
synthetic form of the way thatwe would naturally release those
feel good chemicals in the body,and you are capable. I have the
first hand experience, as wellas my clients, of rebalancing

(10:39):
the body. Those chemicals existin our body because we can
create them naturally, right?
That is how we procreate. Thatis how we have created gotten to
this point in the evolutionarychain as a species, is because
we have these chemicals thatcontinue to push us forward,
that help us, you know, findpartners, find mates, make

(11:00):
babies, inspire us, motivate us,right? We have these drivers
inside of the body, and I won'tget into it today, but we do see
a bit of a mental health crisisin our not a bit a lot of a
mental health crisis in our inour world today, because these
chemicals are so out of whack,because we are creating this

(11:24):
rapid influx of differentsources that are synthetic,
whether it's a chemical Fromdrugs or a screen or, you know,
the varying wild, you know,number of things that we put on

(11:45):
our to do list. It's like we'reall over the place. So, dear
listener, that's where I wouldstart, is to really examine your
beliefs and ask yourself thequestion, why would this be a
form of punishment. And then whyisn't it a form of punishment?
And that would be the firstplace to start. And then guess

(12:05):
what? You get to believewhatever you want, and you start
to generate evidence, to havethat embodied experience, to
intentionally step out into theworld and say, I'm going to go
prove this is the belief that Iwant to believe, and I'm going
to go prove it to myself thatit's true, right? Because if you
want to believe that notdrinking is a form of

(12:27):
punishment, then that's what itwill be. If you want to believe
that not drinking is the highesthonor that you could give to
your life, that's what it willbe. But that's also part of the
feminine way that takes it takestime and it takes intentional
intentionality. Well, my sweetfriends, thank you so much for
being here. I believe that isgoing to be our episode for

(12:47):
today. It was my intention forthis relaunch of the show to
keep our episodes under 20minutes, and so I won't be able
to get into you'll probably behearing this after what my
intention was for the showtoday, but I want to be able to
teach and coach from theperspective of what you want.
Okay, so it's it's reallyimportant, and it really means a

(13:09):
lot to me and everyone elselistening. And of course, if
it's a story and I can share andI can read it out loud, then
that can be part of the showitself. But if it has a real
teaching component, then I wantto honor that and give you a
takeaway, because this is huge,right? We think that we're we
are deprived, and one of the themethods of the five shifts in

(13:31):
the feminine way is to be ableto quit drinking without feeling
like something's missing, right?
And that takes a certain system,and it takes intention, and it
takes an approach. But what Iwill leave you with is just the
understanding to remember thatwith anything that you're
changing, there is a before, aduring and an after, right? And

(13:55):
this is the process that I thinkso many people miss, and what I
have the honor of doing in myprivate coaching practice is
that it's not just a one anddone thing. I'm quitting
drinking on Monday morning, orI'm getting in shape, or I'm
never going to yell at my kidsagain. We really have to start

(14:15):
with the feminine way, which issafety, luxurious space and
exquisite care. And that iseverything that I have woven in
to my private practice, andeverything I hope to intend and
intend to weave in to our timetogether here. So please send in

(14:37):
your questions and please sendin your stories, sending you so
much love. Have a beautiful weekif you are ready to embrace the
feminine way in your life andrelease alcohol effortlessly, I
want to teach you how to talk toyourself when you are alone.
This is the hardest yet mostimpactful piece of the process.
Download my free guide, the sixcheap, free. Phases to calm the

(15:01):
urge to drink and end the innerbattle, you'll discover how to
find relief for any urge oremotion without deprivation.
Visit Mary Wagstaffcoach.com/urge tracking to get
your free guide today, or followthe link right here in the show

(15:21):
notes you.