Silent Sobriety

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Do you ever feel the pressure to announce your big life changes? In today’s episode, I’m diving into silent sobriety and silent activism—why sometimes the most powerful transformation happens when we keep it just for ourselves.

There’s so much talk about “recovering out loud,” and while that can be empowering, there’s also deep value in solitude and private commitment. When I quit drinking, I didn’t make a big deal about it. I was just making choices for me. And that shifted everything.

I also share a personal story about how Matthew proposed to me (spoiler: it was magical and completely unexpected) and how my deep connection to the Divine has shaped the way I experience life. Some things I just don’t feel the need to share—because they’re mine.

This episode will challenge you to look at your relationship with external validation and ask: What would change if you didn’t need anyone else’s approval?

Key Takeaways:

• Silence is powerful. Before seeking validation, take time to understand your why.
• Solitude and loneliness are not the same thing. How can you embrace time alone?
• Instead of figuring things out, try finding out—get curious and trust the process.
• Expect that there will be moments when old habits or thoughts resurface. It’s normal.
• Big life shifts don’t always need to be announced. Sometimes they’re more potent when they’re just yours.

If something in today’s episode spoke to you, I’d love to hear from you! Send me a DM on Instagram. And if you leave a review on Apple Podcasts, screenshot it, and send it my way—I’ll send you a free gift to support your journey.

Want to go deeper? Book a Sober Glow Up Activation Session with me and rewrite your alcohol story. Find the link in the show notes or head over to marywagstaffcoach.com.

Thanks for being here. See you next week!

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DISCLAIMER: This podcast and its contents are not a substitute for rehabilitation, medical treatment or advice. It is for educational and inspirational purposes. I am not a therapist or doctor. The views here are expressed a personal opinion and based on first hand experience. Please consult a doctor if your mental or physical health is at risk.

Episode Transcript

Mary Wagstaff (00:02):
Music. Welcome to stop drinking and start living
the feminine way. I'm yourhostess. Mary Wagstaff, holistic
alcohol coach and feminineembodiment guide here to help
you effortlessly release alcoholby reclaiming your feminine
essence. Sobriety isn't justabout quitting drinking, it's
about removing the distortionsthat keep you disconnected,

(00:26):
overwhelmed and stuck in cyclesof numbing. Each week, I'll
share powerful tools, newperspectives that transform and
deeply relatable stories to helpyou step into the power pleasure
and purpose that it is to be awoman. This is your next
evolution of awakenedempowerment. Welcome to the

(00:47):
feminine way. Welcome back tothe show, my beautiful
listeners, so I'm just gonnajump right in. How is it going?
Did you decide to take anopportunity to find out versus
try to figure it out. I wouldlove if you would send me a DM

(01:09):
and on Instagram, and I wantedto mention this, if you leave a
review for me on Apple podcastand screenshot it and send it to
me through Instagram or myemail, I will send you a sweet,
sweet, free gift that willreally support you on your
journey. So I wanted to talktoday about Silent sobriety and

(01:29):
also kind of silent activism.
And there's no right or wrong,right, but I do think that
there's a benefit of startingany journey or something that
you're really passionate withand doing it without bringing
attention to it. And there isthis, there's kind of a big
movement in recovery communitiesabout recovering out loud,

(01:52):
right? And I think that therecan be so much power to that. I
mean, here I am. I have apodcast about it, right? And I'm
sharing with you and so you canbe inspired. But I think there's
layers of it, and I think to goinward, to do something for
ourselves, and using silence andusing solitude is really one of
the first steps, is really underunderstanding for yourself and

(02:18):
not for anyone else. Why this isimportant, and this was one of
the reason. This was one of thethings that actually helped me
so much flip the switch on mysobriety, was I I didn't talk
about it. I was making decisionsfor myself about what I wanted
my life to look like, andbecause I was when I did share,

(02:40):
I was very casual about it. Ididn't, you know, post like, Oh,
I've been sober for 43 days. Andagain, I'm not suggesting that
you don't do that, but what isthe benefit if you don't? What
is the benefit of it's not aboutbeating yourself up, but it is
about going into quietcontemplation with you, your

(03:01):
higher self, and whatever yourrelationship is to divinity. And
sometimes I'm connecting tomother, Mary, sometimes I'm
connecting to the earth,sometimes I'm connecting to the
infinite field of God, or maybeI'm working with an ancestor
with my grandmother. And thereare all sorts of ways that we

(03:25):
can connect to this innersilence. And the truth is, is
that until you have a deeprelationship with solitude and
you can feel good in solitudeand not need this external
validation to give youpermission to say, Oh, you're
doing it right. Good jobchanging your relationship to

(03:47):
alcohol or anything else you doin your life, not only will be
challenging, because you need tolearn how to be with yourself in
a way that doesn't necessarilycreate, you know, boredom or
loneliness, but loneliness isn'tsolitude, right? Loneliness is
not a bad emotion either, butit's a yearning for wishing that

(04:08):
you know there was someone elsearound, and how can we shift
that into an opportunity to bein solitude? And I wanted to
share with you this example, andthis is like some people want
external validation, and thatreally fuels them and fires them
up, just as much as like peopleare extroverts and introverts,
and I think that we should dowhat feels really good for us,

(04:30):
and you are your own bestteacher and your own best
doctor. I have never flown thatway, and maybe even to like,
when Matthew proposed to me, andI'm just going to share this
now, because I didn't even, I'venever even shared the story, or
maybe I did, I don't know, butyou know, so many people post
pictures of it. I don't evenknow if I've ever shared it. It
was on our 10th anniversary.

(04:52):
Matthew said, if we make it 10years, he's going to propose me.
I completely forgot it was ouranniversary. So this was, this
will be our 12th year in. July,and it was a super romantic,
like setup. We were sleeping outin our bell tent because we were
getting ready to sell our house,and he made this beautiful, like
fairy ring around this glow inthe dark ring around the ring.

(05:15):
And he had these glow like thisblack light set up outside. And
it was raining, and he poppedout of bed. He never pops out of
bed. He is not a morning person.
I was like, why are you poppingout about and I actually forgot
it was our anniversary. We just,we never we're not big gift
givers for one another. And wehad talked about doing
something, and then we weregetting the house ready, so I
kind of forgot about it, and itwas misting and it was in the

(05:38):
woods, in the forest. It wasjust so beautiful and so
romantic, and I was completely,completely caught off guard, and
it was the most beautiful ringmeant for a queen, and it meant
so much to me because I wasn'tinvolved in it at all, right,
but I don't share things likethis, and I've shared things
with you all about how I lovesurprises, and I could go to my

(06:00):
grave with an unopened box. AndI think that is because I have,
for my entire life, I've hadsuch a close relationship to the
Divine that it's really justbetween me and God, and that's
the most important thing to me,right? Like, and not to say
there's ways I don't, you know,seek, saw, seek support or

(06:21):
validation from people, and intimes. I mean, you're gonna ask
Matthew, He knows I talked tohim about stuff endlessly
sometimes, but I also, really, Ialso shared, and this isn't to
say that I'm like better thaneither, right? This is, this is
just an opportunity to see whereare you not comfortable with

(06:41):
just you and your informationfor yourself and knowing, right?
It's like doing a good deed forsomeone, then having to talk
about it and like, there's thataltruistic perspective. So it's
an it's just an opportunity tolook at your relationship to
that, and what happens if youdon't how does that deepen your
relationship to yourself, right?

(07:04):
And that's why, and it is one ofthe ways I do feel like once I
realized that that quittingalcohol, and you all know, I
mean, I was a daily drinker fora long time, like I was getting
like drunk all the time, likedrinking bottles of whiskey, and
no one would have ever reallyrealized it. But I think it was

(07:26):
relatively easy for me once Irealized, Oh, I'm just deepening
my relationship to myself, andwhat is it like when I'm hanging
out by myself without drinking?
I just never had the experienceof it. I was just always
drinking. And then I got to becurious, and I got to step more
into my devotion of the femininemysteries and things I didn't
know, right? So it's instead offiguring out you're finding out,

(07:49):
you're finding out what I don'twhat don't you know. So there
was this Instagram like, youknow, they have these trending
reels, and I am just not likeyou guys can look at my
Instagram. No matter how much Ipost, I could get, I get, like,
no engagement. I think I havethe best things, and I think
it's because people are a littlevoyeuristic and they don't want

(08:09):
to engage with the content.
Because what does that say aboutthem, right? Maybe, I don't
know, but there was this trendabout I'm 43 years old, and I'm
not ashamed to admit and I'mgonna read it to you, because
this is stuff like, not that Iwouldn't share, but the
attention this post got moreattention than literally any

(08:31):
post I've ever posted onInstagram, and it made me feel
so uncomfortable because, like,essentially, it felt pretty
inauthentic. I did it because itwas this trend, and I was
working with this social mediaperson to, you know, engage
more, right? And peopleresponded to this because it
felt very personal, and theycould relate to it, but I was so

(08:52):
uncomfortable because gettingattention in this way like I
would never share this, becauseI wouldn't want attention from
it, because I've already dealtwith it and moved on in my own
way, and I don't want avalidation for it, and I don't
want sympathy, and I don't wantanything for it. Maybe that's
like coaching that I need to dofor myself. But I realized in

(09:13):
that moment that it doesn't makeme feel good to actually share
the things that I do as an actof devotion, the things that I
do for myself to become the bestversion of of myself in that
way, there's so many thingsright, and it's not it's fun.

(09:38):
And could it help people relateto me more, maybe, but I do
think that I've actually beenable to have quicker and faster
results because I you, I go thisway instead of waiting for
approval from someone else. SoI'm just going to read it to
you, because maybe this is mywork. Maybe this is where I have

(09:59):
resistance. I'm willing to be 43and admit
that whatever it is. So this gotalmost 4000 views, which is more
than anything ever has. Andthat's still not even that many
in the scheme of things. So itsays, I'm 43 years old, and I'm
not afraid to admit that. Andyou can go look at this. I've
had lifelong depression, and Inever talk about it and manage
it with lifestyle choice,lifestyle choices, mindfulness

(10:23):
practices and prayer. Now, whatI believe, if you've been
listening to the show, thateveryone has depression, right?
But there, you know, and then Ithink this is something that I
want to teach is cyclically, aswomen, we can go into really
deep states of despair anddepression on a regular basis
and a 28 day cycle. But it's,what do you want to make it
mean, right? And now I just it'sto me, I know it's like, I don't

(10:45):
make it's not a problem. Like, Idon't believe depression is a
problem. And I also do thingslike, I don't eat refined sugar,
and I don't, you know, I makelifestyle choices that don't
that affect my my mental health.
I don't drink. And as I sharedwith you last week, I have been
taking this little magicalelixir. It is amazing. I'm
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(11:08):
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brain. So instead of engagingwith something like caffeine,
coffee that just doesn'tactually add anything back. This
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are really supportive ofcognitive function. And you know

(11:29):
what I'll say is, if you arequitting drinking, and you are
in your early stages ofsobriety, and for anyone but the
systems of your body are veryimbalanced, and to have
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so that you can kind of expeditethe process of the

(11:54):
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notes. So I would highlyrecommend I still fantasize
about running away, never comingback, and not telling anyone at

(12:17):
least once a month. Again,cyclical, living. And I probably
should have expressed this morein the post, is that, like just
because I want to run away frommy family doesn't mean I love
don't love them, doesn't mean Ilove them any less. Doesn't mean
really anything, right? It meansthat I don't want to have to
think about things. And so whatdo I ask myself, okay, what do I

(12:39):
need instead? And this is justsuch a good learning tool that I
didn't even get to post in here.
There were, you know, it's like,you can't you can only share so
much. I ask myself now, from thefeminine way, okay, What need do
I have that's not being met?
Maybe I actually, literally doneed time alone. And the more
I'm sharing this is, I'mrealizing, as I'm sharing this

(13:00):
is all of this relates to Silentsobriety, right? Me changing my
own relationship, like I myspirituality. You all have
shifted so much in the last 18months. My political view, like
so many things, have shifted,and I feel, do not feel a need
to share them at all, becausethey're mine, right? And I share

(13:22):
the things with you that I feellike will have a big impact,
which is you taking personalresponsibility for what makes
you feel good inside, right? Andwhat would shift if, instead of,
you know, stating the obvious ona social media post about
politics that you don't agreewith, you went and picked up
litter in the street, you wentto a homeless shelter, and you

(13:44):
served right. What would be thedifference? And a lot. And I
think a lot of times, socialmedia is that opportunity for
validation, and we're just in anecho chamber. Typically, when
you're posting something aboutsomething that you don't like or
disagree with, like all theother people that you know, feel
very similar. And I think thatthere's this beautiful

(14:05):
opportunity to get to knowourselves, to get to have real,
deeper meaning and connection toour life, when we do some of
this work in silence, when wedon't bring attention to
ourselves, and when we and youknow it does true altruism
exist. You know this is like thephilosophical debate, because it
does make you feel good. Whatdoes it feel like inside? So

(14:27):
just test it out. Go dosomething literally no one knows
about, not your husband, notyour kids, not anyone, no one
else knows about, except formaybe the people you're engaging
with. And just see what thatfeels like. How does it connect
you with a deeper sense ofyourself? Okay, I digress.
Number three, I don't havehealth insurance or a retirement
plan now, this is something thatI have a lot of beliefs about.

(14:49):
Again, I have lifestyle choices,but sometimes I've had shame or
embarrassment around this. Andyou know, there, there's that,
um. Um, but these are thingsthat I have decided. I've spent,
invested my money in differentways, and at this moment, this
is not necessarily important tome. I lost a considerable amount

(15:12):
of hair and managed somedebilitating digestive issues
over the last months due tostressful life changes, and some
of this I actually have sharedwith you. I threw myself into a
tizzy. I was not being my bestadvocate. I was really resisting
change, like I said about changeof how my last episode, my
coaching business, was going tobe working change that I asked

(15:35):
for this beautiful farmexperience and that I was
resisting it so much that Godopened up my schedule for me,
and there has been thisbeautiful opportunity to
actually go like full on in thiscommunity that has embraced me.
I've been teaching a couple ofyoga classes, literally

(15:56):
everything that I asked for. AndI was like, no, let me do the
same thing, but I didn't evenwant to do the same thing. No, I
want, I wanted more of an inperson business, and I'm
figuring out how to merge thetwo. And I wanted to be able to
invite you here to come do an inperson VIP retreat with me, so
that we can be on the land, andyou can stay here and my

(16:19):
glamping trailer and have themost luxurious time, and we can
meditate in the barn and have adance, right? This was what I
asked for, and I'm having somuch resistance to it, but, you
know, in in a good way, like I'mseeing it, but I didn't see it,
and the moving and all of thethings I was I was stressed out,
and I wasn't managing it, and Iwon't get into it, but I had

(16:42):
some really gnarly digestiveissues that I've never had. I
went down a rabbit hole of foodintolerance and all this stuff,
and it was none of that. It wasall emotional digestion, every
single bit of it, right? But Idid lose a lot of hair also,
when we were on the road, and Ishared that after six years of
sobriety and helping 1000s ofwomen, I occasionally question

(17:03):
of alcohol as a solution for myemotional state. And I have
talked about this too a littlebit, but I think it can be
scary, you know, as like asobriety coach, to to admit
that, like, yeah, of course,alcohol pops into my mind
sometimes, and what I always sayis a thought about drinking and
and a the desire to drink anddrinking are all very different

(17:24):
things. And sometimes, this iswhat I really try to impress
upon my clients and you all, isthat sometimes there's a perfect
storm of emotion that we'venever experienced, or this old,
old feeling or sensation of, youknow, for me, it's like, no one
understands. And then maybe I'min a different part of my cycle,
and who knows, I'm tired, right?

(17:47):
Like, it's this, always thisperfect storm of emotions where
I'm like, what would happen if Ihad a drink? Or maybe I even
have the thought like, Oh, doesit, you know, like, does it
matter? Or whatever? It's sobizarre, because it's so I don't
ever think about it, but it doeshappen. And I would be lying if
I said it didn't right, but Idon't have an urge. I don't just
sit with it like I don't haveany of that stuff happen, but

(18:10):
like the thought of alcoholpasses through my brain. I
literally created so manygrooves in my brain that, of
course, it's going to happenonce a while, but it is directly
connected to an emotional state.
But because I know this, I don'tlike my our farm marketing
coach, she says, just expectsomething is not going to work
right. Like, on a farm, youdon't, you plan that something's

(18:32):
going to break right. Like, justexpect that it's it's going to
happen right? And so I knowthis, and I know life, so what I
really want to impress upon youfor this piece is that expect
that cyclically, you're notgonna feel great, and that it's
not a problem. And then I thinkthe last piece of it was and you

(18:53):
should just go listen to this.
In 2024 I made less than half ofthe income that I made my first
year as an alcohol coach, but Iwas prioritizing my nervous
system over other people's, andmy goal this year is to help

(19:14):
1000 female leaders quitdrinking without labels, shames
or feeling like something'smissing and what I missed is
being in their feminine andI prioritized my family and
where we were going right overjust marketing, coming up with
new programs, coming up with newoffers, and I took a break from

(19:35):
the podcast. Now I didn't reallytake a break from the podcast,
and this is another thing that Ishared, is that I was still in
the figuring it out. I was stilltrying to figure it out, and it
didn't serve me. And the onlyway to stop figuring trying to
figure it out and find out andbe in the receptivity of life to

(19:56):
be that is the ultimate. I thinkthat's the ultimate quality of
the feminine is to receive, tobe in the receptivity of life,
as you have to loosen your gripand you have to go into silence,
you have to be in in quietcontemplation and not bring
attention to this. It has to befor you. And ultimately, I did a

(20:16):
ton of work with my inner child.
I talked to her. I can see herin there. I can see her when
she's crunched in a little balland in fear and saying, Why do
we have to do this again? Whyare you doing this to me? And
she considers me her mother, andI had to do a lot of deep re
parenting, and I have to reallyconsider her because she is the

(20:42):
like measure of my nervoussystem, what my inner child
looks like. I can go inside ofmy body, and I can see how what
her state is like in any givenmoment. It's so powerful. And
the moment I see her, I can justknow yes or no what the answer
is, and if I and where the stateof my nervous system, and if

(21:02):
she's crumpled up into a littleball and she is hiding out, then
it's a no, right? It's too much.
I need to rest. I need to chill.
Know how it goes? I would loveto hear from you. You can send
me an email. You can drop intomy DMs and Instagram. I'm in
there all the time, and comefollow us on the farm too. We're

(21:24):
definitely engaging more, andthe farm really is the next love
chapter of our love storybetween Matthew and I. We've
made a lot of big changes in ourrelationship that I would love
to share more about, so that Ican be in my feminine and and
allow him to take the lead morewhere he didn't always get an

(21:45):
opportunity to um. And so it'ssuch a dream come true to be in
this place that I didn't evenknow I wanted, really. I didn't
even know I wanted theopportunity to lead more with
the gift that I've been given ofbeing a woman and the softness

(22:06):
and it doesn't mean there's nothard work, because, of course
there is, but it's such a joy.
So where can you step intosilence in your life and see the
difference of the impact thatyou are making? Have a wonderful
week, and I will talk to yousoon if something in today's
episode spoke to you deeply youare ready for your next level of

(22:28):
awakening, and I want to inviteyou to book a sober glow up
activation session with me wherewe can rewrite your alcohol
story. Right now, we'll removethe energetic blocks that are
keeping you stuck and stagnantto activated and alive, to book
a session and to learn more,just follow the link right here
in the show notes, or head onover to my website, Mary

(22:49):
Wagstaff coach.com and find outwhat it means to truly live life
from your most authentic self. Iwill See you over there. You