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July 2, 2025 17 mins

Women are wired to handle a lot. It’s our superpower—but it can also be our kryptonite. The mental load we carry—anticipating needs, managing tasks, and caring for everyone around us—can easily become overwhelming, especially during perimenopause and beyond.

Takeaways:

  • The mental load is both a gift and a curse for high-achieving women
  • Overwhelm often peaks during perimenopause, turning our superpower into burnout
  • Setting clear boundaries and dividing tasks creates clarity and peace
  • Letting go of control and practicing surrender is essential for mental health
  • Alcohol often becomes a coping mechanism when we feel mentally overloaded

In this episode, I break down why women, especially during life transitions, get caught in the trap of doing everything. I share a powerful exercise to help you reclaim your mental space: drawing a line between what's truly yours to hold and what's not. Plus, I’ll show you how to protect your peace by honoring your non-negotiables—like my 10pm bedtime rule—while letting go of what isn’t serving you.

Ready to reclaim your energy, mental space, and freedom without alcohol? Tune in to find out how.

CTA:
Join our monthly women's circle on the first Thursday of every month at 5pm Pacific. Grab the Zoom link in the show notes! And, don’t forget to download my free urge guide to break the cycle of cravings in just five minutes—no deprivation needed. Your nervous system will thank you.

DISCLAIMER: This podcast and its contents are not a substitute for rehabilitation, medical treatment or advice. It is for educational and inspirational purposes. I am not a therapist or doctor. The views here are expressed a personal opinion and based on first hand experience. Please consult a doctor if your mental or physical health is at risk.

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Transcript

Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Welcome to Stop Drinking and Start Living the
Feminine Way.
I'm your hostess, mary Wagstaff, holistic Alcohol Coach and
Feminine Embodiment Guide, hereto help you effortlessly release
alcohol by reclaiming yourfeminine essence.
Sobriety isn't just aboutquitting drinking.
It's about removing thedistortions that keep you

(00:25):
disconnected, overwhelmed andstuck in cycles of numbing.
Each week, I'll share powerfultools, new perspectives that
transform, and deeply relatablestories to help you step into
the power, pleasure and purposethat it is to be a woman.
This is your next evolution ofawakened empowerment.

(00:46):
Welcome to the feminine way.
Welcome back to the show.
My beautiful listeners, here weare with another week, another
episode.
I may have said this last week,but I'm going to say it again
because I think it's worthmentioning, if you're here, if
you're listening, if you'realive worth mentioning If you're

(01:06):
here, if you're listening, ifyou're alive.
It's all worked out in yourfavor.
Everything, every moment, hassaid yes to your existence, and
I think that that's a powerful,powerful perspective.
And on that note, you know, Iwanted to just share briefly
what coaching is about, becausethere are other sobriety
podcasts out there, otherwomen's health podcasts, other
podcasts about perimenopause,which is something that we're

(01:27):
going to be talking a lot aboutnow, because they go hand in
hand and I know that this is thethreshold at which most women
show up to me with ispost-menopause or perimenopause,
and post-menopause you're stillfinding your new hormonal
normal too.
You're still figuring out.

(01:48):
Um, you have all this awarenesslike you're, this completely
different version of yourself,but our thoughts and our beliefs
are were created from when wewere kids, from when we were in
in the womb, right, and so a lotof perspectives aren't
necessarily through the lens ofcoaching, and what coaching is

(02:08):
really all about, at its core,in my perspective, is generating
awareness.
Generating awareness aroundwhat's happening in our body,
what we're believing, what we'rethinking, what emotions we have
, what our emotions are tellingus.
Instead of just reacting tolife, right, we're kind of

(02:30):
taking a step back.
So instead of being in the playup on the stage in the play, we
are sitting in the audiencewatching, and there has to be
this willingness to want tobelieve something new.
And what we're going to talkabout today is the mental

(02:50):
overload of most women that Iknow, especially high achieving,
high functioning women who kindof have this I can do it all.
Attitude and the truth,attitude and the truth.
You know like you can, but westill have a capacity.
Um, and based on recent eventsin my household and if you've

(03:11):
been listening, you know there'sa lot of new things and a lot
of transitions.
I went from one transition tothe next, so I'm learning in my
journey, but I'm coming, to addit, from the perspective of
where many things that I wouldhave in my old life would have
turned to a drink, for I'm nolonger doing that.
I'm using the tools of coaching.

(03:32):
I'm using the tools ofmindfulness, mindset and
awareness to create new resultsfor my life that are more useful
.
So women kind of have thissuperpower of really holding a
wide perspective and there's agood reason for that.
Right, this is our evolutionarygifts.
We are the caretakers, we arethe nurturers, for better or for

(03:57):
worse, and so much of that welove, right, like I love nothing
more than to pack a lunch formy family and send it off with
them and they don't have to eventhink about it, right?
And that's not something I doout of righteousness or
expectation.
Or make coffee for my belovedin the morning or put a note in

(04:20):
my kiddo's lunchbox, right,something that you know dad
probably wouldn't do, but he'sgot his own things.
But we can kind of see likeinto the future.
You know, I know that I hear myclients all of the time that
are working mothers and they'realso running the household and

(04:40):
this is, you know, this is theperspective that we're talking
more and more about in in kindof the mainstream is that the,
the caretaker, the home takerhas a full-time job.
And, honestly, even if you had astay at home partner, um, the
chances are if you're a woman,there's going to be a lot that

(05:04):
you still see, that you stillhold in your field, even if
you've decided that it's notyour job.
Even if you're really good atdelegating, it's like there's
still this mental knowing andthat can create overwhelm, even
if you've put it in its place,even if you have no mental drama
about it.
So the thing that we're reallygood at making sure that summer

(05:28):
camp is scheduled because itfills up, you know, in February,
um, or you book your campsitesfor the summer, or there's water
for everyone and there's afirst aid kit and the doctor's
appointments are done and all ofthose things and there's dinner
ready so that you're notscrambling at 9 PM and everyone
can go to bed at night, can alsobe our kryptonite, can also be

(05:52):
the thing that we imposeourselves on to other people,
which can create conflict, wherewe're micromanaging, and then
we have that kind of righteousindignation of like, if I don't
do it, no one else will, or thisis the right way.
And I've seen this time andtime again.

(06:14):
It comes up in my household allthe time and, frankly, you know
, as a woman, I believe everyoneneeds to live their own
sovereign life.
But, you know, I want to be inan environment that is suited to
my needs, right, that feelslike it supports my nervous

(06:35):
system and is an integrity withwho I am, and for me that is
mostly organized, tidy, clean,not to a degree I live on a farm
, there's animals here, there'sa child, right.
So it's not like crazy and Idon't even want to justify it,
because even if it was, thatwould be okay too, and my male

(06:58):
counterpart has a very differentway that he would probably live
his life if I wasn't around,and so oftentimes that can get
kind of brought up in when, say,there's a confrontation of like
, well, like, I have to live theway that you want to and, um,

(07:20):
you know this is, this isn't theway that I would live.
And there can be thoughts, andthere can be like well, don't
you want to treat me like aqueen?
Don't I deserve, like don't Ideserve the queendom, right, but
it's also in yeah, so what?
Right?
So I get to decide in thatmoment what I want to make that

(07:41):
mean that this mental load thatI hold, that I am asking to
create a certain environment, oris it rolling over into
micromanaging other people'slives and telling them what is
right and what is wrong?
Because really, in the end,there is no one right way to

(08:04):
live.
There's no clean, I mean, Ibelieve cleanliness is next to
godliness, but that doesn't meanthat it's true.
Two things can be true at thesame time.
So I always believe, in asituation where we have this
mental load that we are carryingaround, it's not up to anyone

(08:29):
else to fix that for us.
So A we have to start with thepositives, all of the ways that
this mental load serves right,and then how can we choose to

(08:50):
let go?
Where is it not for us, whereis it none of our business?
And from that place now we canset it down and we can decide
that if someone else is choosingto live a lifestyle that you've

(09:12):
asked for in this example in myhouse, so that my mental load
can be lighter, then that's alsotheir sovereign choice, right?
No one is forcing anyone to doanything.
Even if there were as a grownperson say negative feedback,
say, if I complained a lot orargued or yelled about it, right

(09:34):
, that is still someone'ssovereign choice.
So we have to clean up our sideof the street.
We have to know where we'reimposing and taking on the
mental load that's not ours andwhere we're taking on other
people's emotions and behaviorsabout the way that we have
chosen to live our lives.

(09:55):
So it is a blending and it is ameshing where sometimes those
lines can get really, reallyblurred.
So my suggestion for you thisweek if mental overload and your
hormonal cycle is not workingand it's causing you to drink
and it's causing conflict inyour home, where it's like I

(10:17):
can't handle this, why are younot remembering things?
Why are you not showing up tomeet me?
And I do see this oftentimes inmasculine, feminine dynamics and
especially, um, there seems tobe a trend in this current era,
um, where, um, men aren't alwaystaking the lead.

(10:41):
If that's your dynamic, andeven if you are in a
relationship where it is afemale relationship, right?
Oftentimes there is thesecertain roles that we play,
where one person tends to bemore of the caretaker and the
other person might be a littlebit more passive, right?

(11:02):
So first, kind of just identifywhere you're at, and then an
exercise that would be really,really powerful to do is to take
a sheet of paper and to draw aline down the middle and really
ask what is mine to hold, right,like what is important to me,

(11:23):
and get really, really clear,especially on like the.
You know, it's like thedifference between what's
unsolicited, like what would bewhat would cause death, and,
most importantly, focusing onyour nervous system, right?
So I created a non-negotiableand this isn't like all the time

(11:43):
, but if it's later than 10o'clock which you know,
unfortunately, like that's it IfI don't get to bed at 10,
because I wake up early, I havea, I have a early morning
routine.
I have just I have had to tellthe person that sleeps next to
me I'm for the night, I am donefor the night If it's after 10

(12:06):
o'clock.
If you want to hang out with meand there wants to be some
intimacy, you have got to get inbed before 10 o'clock, and it's
not because I don't want to,it's just because I have to
create a sacred boundary formyself.
Or I'll be up till midnight,I'll be up till one o'clock and
then I get five hours of sleep,and that is not serving me,
right.
So what are all of the thingsfor your own mental, physical,

(12:32):
nervous system, health, that ispart of your mental load that
you're willing to take on?
And then what do you take on?
That's not for you, right, evenif you think, well, this is the
right way.
I still want you to write inthat other column that if I
didn't do this, no one would die, because what we have to do is

(12:53):
we also have to practicereceiving.
We have to practice Practiceallowing things, to let go of
things right that aren't ours,and this could be at work, this
could be with family stuff, thiscould be with drama, and that
is another area that we have tostretch our capacity and our

(13:16):
resiliency in is being in therelaxed space.
Because in this, somethingwe'll talk about on next week's
episode is why is boredom atrigger for so many women when
you have such a mental overload?
Okay, because there's so muchspace for you to let go of what

(13:39):
is not yours to solve, what doesnot need to be done now, right,
and what my coach, my marketingcoach for the farm.
She's like the plants aren'tgoing to die overnight if they
don't get watered.
So if it's nine o'clock atnight and it's time for bed, go
to bed and you move it to thenext day, right, so the laundry

(14:01):
doesn't need to get changed overand no one's going to die.
So make these two reallydistinct lists.
Like these are for my health,because stress is a real thing,
right, these are not mine, and Iwant you to really see it down
on paper, what you've beenholding and what you can let go
of.
And then do it right, hang thatlist up on the fridge and every

(14:26):
time you see yourself go there,take a step back, take three
deep breaths and simply tellyourself this is how I protect
my peace.
This is not for me.
I'm no longer holding this andgive it up to God.
There's this podcast I listenedto and you all have probably
heard me talk about it CurlyNikki.
Good mornings with Curly Nikki,and there's a surrender prayer.

(14:49):
It's like Jesus, you take over.
I say love, you take over.
Right.
It's just like if love was totake over, what would love
choose?
Love wouldn't care, love couldlaugh about it, right?
So many of these things we takeso seriously we could also just
laugh about, right?
They just brought homeliterally like a 17th Nerf gun

(15:10):
with these like little jellypellets and there's goggles, and
Emmett was so excited and Ilike totally burst their bubble
because I was like, really Likethis is what you're teaching
Emmett to.
You know, get another thing,this like shiny object syndrome.
Who cares?
We're going to die, the humanswill not even be, we won't even

(15:36):
be remembered.
The plastic will cease to exist, the mushrooms will eat it,
like.
There's so many other thingshappening besides this one
moment.
There's infinite other momentshappening besides this one, and
all you have to do is shift 1%to the left or 1% to the right.
I just listened to a MichaelSinger podcast and he said

(15:58):
you're ruining your life becauseyou're not accepting reality.
I'm going to leave you withthat.
Have a beautiful week.
My beautiful, beautiful friends, and if you're listening to
this in real time or anytime,the first Thursday of every
month we're having our women'scircle.
Remember, the link is in theshow notes to get the link for

(16:20):
our live zoom call.
So it'll be happening onThursday, the first Thursday of
the month, at 5 PM Pacific.
I would absolutely love to seeyou live in person.
Join us.
It is a wonderfully beautifultime.
I'll see you soon.
The days of white knucklingyour way through an urge are
over.
No more distracting yourself,no more avoiding alcohol, no

(16:42):
more resisting.
And I am not exaggerating whenI say that doing this one thing
for five minutes Will change notonly how successful you are in
drinking less, but how much youwill love your alcohol-free life
.
You are going to feel so good.
So come on over to my websiteor follow the link right here in
the show notes to grab the freeurge guide that gives you the

(17:05):
exact cheat codes to use to findrelief without a drink.
And the best part is, nodeprivation, no missing out
required.
I'll see you over.
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