The Truth About Mental Health, Sobriety & Embracing The Feminine Way with Andrea Clark

Episode Transcript
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Mary Wagstaff (00:02):
Music. Welcome to stop drinking and start living
the feminine way. I'm yourhostess. Mary Wagstaff, holistic
alcohol coach and feminineembodiment guide here to help
you effortlessly release alcoholby reclaiming your feminine
essence. Sobriety isn't justabout quitting drinking, it's
about removing the distortionsthat keep you disconnected,

(00:26):
overwhelmed and stuck in cyclesof numbing. Each week, I'll
share powerful tools, newperspectives that transform and
deeply relatable stories to helpyou step into the power pleasure
and purpose that it is to be awoman. This is your next
evolution of awakenedempowerment. Welcome to the

(00:47):
feminine way.
Hey. Welcome back to the show,my beautiful listeners. It's
Mary. How is living the feminineway going? Drop me a DM, sober,
glow up. Activation sessions arelive. Book your session now. In

(01:07):
the Link, in the show notes, Ican't tell you how much these
sessions are just been such agame changer. I went back and
forth with offering one offsessions for a while, because I
typically offer, you know, amonth long, coaching,
mentorship, container, not monthlong, a month long, right? And I
believe that both are important,but I really want to give people

(01:29):
the opportunity, becausesometimes I just want an
activation session, sometimes Iwant I'm going through a
transition. And so these areavailable for women that are
sober, curious, or at thebeginning of their journey, or
people that have kind of been onand off, but you just know that
you're moving beyond alcohol,and you need a catalyst of
support. So the link that youneed is right in the show notes.

(01:52):
It is such an honor to do thiswork and to see what's happening
on the other side of this andhow people are just coming away
with the tools, to really knowhow to go into that place of the
feminine. Way to shift fromstory to sensation, to catch
themselves in story, so that thetime in between gets shorter,
and we don't let something thatyou know doesn't feel great take

(02:15):
away more of our pleasure, moreof our power. And we can really
drop in because time's flyingby, right? We can really drop in
to the pleasure that it is to bea woman, and you get to decide,
what kind of woman do I want tobe in this life? So schedule,
there's a link in the shownotes. If there's a reason that
you can't find a time that worksfor you, my email is in there.

(02:37):
You can just email me and we canfigure it out today, I have such
an exciting show for you. So ashappens, sometimes I am
interviewed on podcasts, and Ihappen to reach out to this
lady, kind of randomly. I mean,she was looking for guests, and
I didn't know much about hershow. Her show had actually just

(02:59):
started. It's called The Truthabout mental health. She is. Her
name is Andrea Clark. She was apracticing family psychologist
for many, many years, and sheshares her own journey with
mental health, but she's kind ofpulling back the curtain of some
of the ways that the that themental health industry just

(03:21):
isn't really holisticallyavailable for what we need,
often as humans, and a lot oftimes when practitioners are
working with insurance, there'sthings that they actually can't
do or say or prescribe thatwould have an even bigger impact
just because of their medicallicense because of the insurance

(03:45):
companies. So she is no longerholds her license, but she has a
really steeped history, not onlypersonally, but professionally,
of kind of uncovering, you know,what we see as the gold
standard. And we know this. Weknow we're having questions that
that the gold standard ofmedical, of Western medicine,

(04:07):
isn't the end all be all. Itdoesn't really, hasn't really
allowed for a holisticperspective. It doesn't really
allow for a salute, like alifestyle based perspective,
because it is a business, and soit is in the business, often, of
keeping people sick and anddisempowered and and what I

(04:29):
believe, I don't really like to,you know, it's not really useful
of my time to point fingers. Ijust think it's catching up.
It's, it's, it's, it's behindthe times. It did what it needed
to do. We gave a lot of strides,we gave it a lot of perspective,
but systems and institutions areoften way behind the time of our
own conscious evolution, and ittakes a lot of time for systems

(04:51):
to catch up. So that's why it'simportant when we have
alternative news sources, whenwe have alternative
practitioners, to just, youknow, be open. Curious, and
that's why you're here. I am notin a western medical model. And
although I do believe, you know,believe, and reference, a lot of
I studied psychology, I studiedhuman development, and a lot of
that holds true. We know abouttrauma and imprints, and we know

(05:14):
about the ways that addictionand behavior, but there is, you
know, created, but there's alsoa lot of nuance, and then we're
changing all the time. Ourcultures are changing all the
time. So anyway, long storyshort, Andrea had me on the
show. Little did I know we weregoing to have so much in common
about the feminine way our bothof our lives have transitioned
to stepping more into ourfeminine set of leading with our

(05:37):
masculine, with this need tocontrol, with this need to just
micromanage everything, andbecause we both are very high
achieving women, want to getstuff done. And at the same
time, I had shared with you thestory of shifting the finances
to let my husband take care ofthem, and she was doing the same
thing. It was just, you know, Idon't believe in coincidence,

(05:57):
but it was just such a beautifulsynchronicity. And so Andrea
shared my pod this interview onher show, which I definitely
want to encourage you to gocheck out, and I'll make sure
and leave the link in the shownotes here. But I asked her if I
could share the interview withyou all, because it's really
important for me to for myaudience to see me and kind of

(06:19):
an a different filter, and whenI am interviewed or when I'm
sharing, you know, when I'm notthe one running the show,
there's definitely a differentexpression that comes through.
And so I wanted you to be ableto hear that. And there's so
many nuggets of wisdom that wetake away and how the
conversation unfolded. I knowyou'll enjoy it. Please check

(06:41):
out Andrea and Andrea, thank youso much. You're amazing,
beautiful, and thank you foryour awesome work in the world.
So without further ado, enjoythis. All

Unknown (06:49):
right, let's do this.
I'm so excited you're here andhaving this conversation with
me. Yes,

thank you so much for having me. I am absolutely
love what you're talking about,what you're doing, and to just
share openly in an open forumwhere, you know, is just so
awesome. It's so empowering. Sothank you for having me.
Absolutely, so

Unknown (07:09):
I would love Mary for you to start just by sharing
what brought you to this placeof the work that you're doing.
Is there a journey or a storybehind that? Tell us a little
bit about, you know all of that?
Yeah, absolutely.

So as you may have heard, I am a woman's
holistic alcohol coach, andreally what that means the
holistic part is we can't haveone without the other, right? I
really believe that we arehaving a divine and a human
experience, and we're kind ofthe bridge to both. So we want
to look at, I would say, No,woman left behind. We want to
look at the mind, body, heartand soul, because we really are.

(07:44):
That's been my experienceanyway. So yes, this journey to
alcohol coaching came through.
You know, it's like you can'tteach on something that you
haven't experienced yourself.
It's like, but a full, embodiedexperience. So I always say I
lived a parallel life ofmindfulness and drinking for 20
years, so when I was 18 yearsold, and probably even before

(08:06):
that, but I started out on myspiritual journey with yoga,
with finding out about myconscious breath. If you were to
know more about like astrologyand human design, which I don't
know a ton about, but you knowall of the signs and the stars
point to. My mission here inlife is to seek spiritual truth.
So I've always had a little likeexistential despair, because

(08:28):
I've always been, you know, likeseeking the greater meaning of
life. And I started out as ayounger person in the Catholic
Church, some of that reallystill resonates with me. There
was like something else. I wasseeking more of an embodied
experience that I didn't reallyknow how to find there. So I'm
like, on this mission, you know,to just find myself, which I
think in some ways we all are,and unintentionally and along

(08:51):
the way, because I was veryindependent and kind of marching
to the beat of my own drum, asmany people do unintentionally.
You know, I started drinking, Istarted experimenting with
drugs. Part of that, I thinklooking back, was because I did
feel like no one kind of got me,or no one understood. And I did
have friends. I had a friendgroup. Of course, alcohol was

(09:13):
very accepted in my world. Myfather was, he was an owner of a
couple bars. He was a bartender.
It was just something that youjust do as an adult, right? Same
kind of thing, we just see itlike you. It's this rite of
passage, but like any drug, itbecomes progressive. And, you
know, I believe that there is aspectrum of use and dependency,

(09:35):
but anyone can become addictedto alcohol. But I also believe
different from the narrative oflike being an alcoholic
necessarily, that we can becomeun addicted to anyone can, and
that really just, you know, it'slike a set of tools and skills
and awareness that you'rewilling to have. And for some
people, maybe that's not part ofyour journey in this lifetime.
So drinking like college kidtravel. By myself. I kind of

(09:59):
always use alcohol a little bitas like a buffer or a tool to be
independent, to kind of sit atthe table by myself, like belly
up to the bar with the boys. Itbecame something that, well, for
really 20 years, I always knewthat it wasn't the journey that
was met for me. I always knewlike I was missing there was
some part of myself I wouldn'tbe able to access fully with

(10:20):
alcohol in the way, and then,like, other drugs and stuff. But
I'll just fast forward you till,you know, nine years ago, I was
pregnant. I had a baby that Ireally wanted. I didn't know if
I would ever want to have achild, and I did, like the
biological clock happened, andunfortunately, I didn't take
that nine month break, whichgave me evidence that I wouldn't

(10:42):
die without alcohol. You know, Ididn't take that break with my
mindset being like, Oh, thiscould be the opportunity. But it
wasn't until about a couple Imean, of course, I wasn't
drinking while I was pregnant,but then I quickly really jumped
right back on. It's like, Icouldn't almost wait to do it,
being a new mom. I use it alittle bit to kind of buffer
that I stayed home with my son,but that he was really the

(11:05):
catalyst for me to awaken me toa more mature part of myself.
Because I was 34 when I had himthat, you know, asked the
question, What kind of mother Doyou want to be? What kind of
woman do you want to be? It wasfrom that point where I realized
a big part of my spiritualjourney that had been missing,
and part of my life was that wasreally the divine feminine. And

(11:27):
even through my yoga practice islike a pretty masculine practice
in a lot of ways, it's verylinear. So I started studying
more of the feminine mysteriesand started understanding how my
cycle was attached to the samerhythms of the moon, and really
what it meant to be a woman andthe honor and the privilege and
the pleasure that it is to be awoman that's so often shamed

(11:48):
culturally and, you know, isn'trecognized as worthy, quote,
unquote, although we areliterally the creators of life.
You know, there's like we have aportal in between our legs to
bring life into this planet. Andso when I started filling myself
up with that piece, and at thesame time, I'm like, I gotta get

(12:08):
rid of alcohol, it kind of thescales almost started naturally
tipping where it had been such astruggle before, of willpower
and what am I missing out on? Soit was like I was filling myself
up with more of me. I wascentering the change around my
human experience and my divineexperience, and alcohol, really.
And I won't say there was, it's,you know, resistance, because,

(12:31):
of course there was, but itstarted to fall away more
naturally. But it was, I was inmost people come to this point
where they're just like, donewith alcohol. They're kind of,
what I say is they've outgrownit, where they're like, they're
not even drinking all the timeor craving alcohol all the time,
but they're thinking about it.
They're obsessing about it,because there's this inner
battle that they're having wherethey want it to be gone, but

(12:53):
they just don't know how,because they've only really
learned and everyone, everysingle person in the Western
world has had to make a decisionabout alcohol in their lives,
and also kind of has the beliefthat there's an us versus them,
that there is either you're anormal drinker or you're a
problematic drinker. And I thinkthat that narrative is extremely
damaging, and it's just notuseful at all for anyone, no

(13:16):
matter where you fall on thespectrum. One more like piece of
the story was I had I'd beenteaching yoga. I've been doing,
like mindfulness meditationmovement for for a long time,
which I feel like kept me aliveand out of like the despair of
alcohol with like my savinggrace. And so I knew even before
I finished, before I stoppeddrinking altogether, that I

(13:38):
wanted to do more working withwomen's empowerment, because I
had already manifested a lot inmy life. I had really gone
beyond the status quo ofsuccess. From what I had seen in
my family, I was my the firstcollege graduate in my family. I
graduated with honors. I boughta home before, like my, you
know, my mother bought a homeand, you know, so there was all

(13:59):
of these ways that I had alreadybeen using my mindset in
different ways than I had seenother people previously doing,
and I really wanted to teachwomen this, but I knew alcohol
had to go. I had to walk mytalk, but I had started kind of
doing, like women's empowermentcoaching. I was doing like mama
baby yoga, and alreadyconnecting with women in a new

(14:19):
way outside of drinking, oncethe switch flipped for me and I
had started to dive and reallystart to figure out more of a
formula, a solution with all thetools I gathered over these
years, of all the work and I haddone, all the training I had
done, and then bringing incoaching on top of it was like I
figured it out. Because mybiggest fear, and most people's

(14:39):
biggest fears, they're going toquit drinking, but they're going
to always want always want it.
They're always gonna forever belike something's missing. And
when I finally flipped theswitch, there was no going back.
And now, like, very quickly, Ipretty much had no desire to
drink. I'm like, this is waybetter. And so I was like, I
have to share this with theworld. I have to tell everyone
that there is a new way. Thereis a. Another way to do this
that doesn't require labels, itdoesn't require counting days,

(15:02):
it doesn't require excuses oranything, but it could be a
transformation, right? And itdoesn't have to be a light a
life sentence. So I've beendoing that for five years, and
it's been really such an honorand humbling too, like such a
humbled honor, that I really trynot to take for granted, because
to be in such an intimate spacewith women, what can be such a

(15:23):
low point is really such anhonor for me. So that's a lot of
words, but that's where I camefrom. I

Unknown (15:30):
love this. I mean, I love the journey that you've
taken and what you're doing.
It's interesting that you werebrought to this podcast. I've
been on my own journey withalcohol in my last couple
decades has not been like aproblem, but I noticed probably,
like, a year and a half ago, I'mlike, because I'm a high
performer. And I know you talkabout high achievers, high

(15:51):
performers, I'm a highperformer. And so I work my ass
off, like, all the time, and Iwas very much in my masculine
and I would notice myselfcraving, like, I just want to go
on a girls trip and just like,got loose, you know what I think
like? And there'd be this, like,pent up, like, I just need to
let it out. I just need to letit fly. It wasn't until I

(16:12):
started functioning in myfeminine embracing my feminine
energy, which I'm 42 so I'veonly been doing that probably a
year, that I'm just like, Idon't crave alcohol, right? I
don't crave alcohol. And I'm notsaying that there's not any
moments after like, a long weekor a hard day that I'm like, but
I'm aware. I'm like, I justreally want to dissociate right

(16:34):
now. Like, it's been a lottoday, right? But it's more that
than anything. It's like, oh, Iwant to dissociate, but I
haven't had any of thosefeelings of, like, I need a
girls trip where we're justgoing to completely cut loose
and drink. And those things havereally melted away. I'm really
excited to hear from you aboutsome of these things you know,

(16:55):
talking about alcohol and thenervous system, talking about
how alcohol can recreate trauma.
Like, I think that highperformance women in particular,
have this whole battle. And I'mnot saying women, not all women,
have a battle. But like highperformance women, they're so
caught in this, like, masculineenergy, masculine world, and

(17:17):
they don't even know it untilthey figure it out. It can be
perplexing. I feel like, like, Ifelt very perplexed for a long
time, like, why am I so sick?
Why am I so this? I invest somuch money in myself. I take
really great care of myself. I'mticking all the health boxes.
Yet I feel like crap. You knowwhat I mean? And I think this is
where some of that, that alcoholpiece, yeah, potentially, come
from. I mean, you're the expertthat that's just from my own

(17:40):
lived experience, though. Yeah,

well, you are spot on. And kudos for figuring
it out, because, because wedon't really see this as a
solution, it's like, Well, I'm awoman, like, What do you mean
being my feminine you know, wedon't really even know what that
means, because so part of mytheory and my philosophy, I'm
actually writing a book too, isthat as women's Empower like
when, when we start to look atthe women's empowerment

(18:04):
movement, we start toautomatically see, right then,
an increase in alcoholconsumption by women, as well as
medication too. Middle Aged,like high achieving, white women
are the highest medicated peoplein our country for mental
support, right? Like an SSRIsand stuff, and I'm not, and I
just want to preface this too, Ihave done it all, and I believe

(18:27):
in neutrality. I believe we arenot judged for our human
experience, that we are here tohave an experience. And alcohol,
my journey with alcohol wasliterally the greatest gift of
my life. It gave me such acontrast to what I really
wanted, the values that I wasthat were really important to
me, and it helped me come closerto my spirituality, to God, to

(18:51):
the Divine of like, that's notwhy I'm here, because to be
fully alive is to have it all,and that's where I think we've
kind of been sold short aswomen, because genetically and
hormonally, we have verydifferent experiences. So if we
think about the the menstrualcycle, it's a 28 day cycle. And
inside of that cycle, and thisis something that I teach women,

(19:12):
that we most women, and I wasright there with you, it's like
we think of our menstrual cycleas just the time we're bleeding.
We don't really look at thisfull 28 day spectrum, and what's
so beautiful about the moon, andthe relationship to the moon is
this is how we used to telltime. We used to literally tell
time by the phases of the moon,which is in direct correlation

(19:35):
with the menstrual cycle. And Ipersonally don't think it's a
coincidence. You know? I mean,it's a 28 day cycle as well, and
it waxes and it wanes, and it isso beautiful. And so inside of
that, we have hormones that aredoing different things. So this
is where a high achieving womancan just look more at data of
her cycle, of saying, okay,these are the facts, and at

(19:57):
different points during themonth. I. Have different needs.
I have very different needs, andI'm going to be, is it more
productive for me during myluteal phase, which is like the
last week of our cycle beforewe're bleeding? Is it more
productive for me to rest? Youknow, kind of that pre, I forget
what someone called ityesterday. It's like, it's some

(20:17):
they do it with women forNursing Mothers, like new
mothers, they talk about gettingyour rest ahead of time, because
you might have to be up fordays. And then I'm really high
performing when I'm in my waxingphase, right when I'm in that
ovulatory phase, instead of,like pushing and kind of coming
up with mediocre work andfeeling shitty about it and
making myself feel bad that I'mnot performing all of those

(20:39):
things. So that's really what Iwould say, is a really good
first step for women that arefunctioning in their masculine
because this is what we've beentaught. This is what so much of
the women's empowerment and somany women sacrificed and fought
hard. And I'm not saying that itwas a bad thing. It wasn't. We
have so much because of it, butwhat we gained from it, there
was a lot of what we lost. Andone of my kind of philosophies

(21:03):
of what I say is we've beenfighting the stereotypes so hard
to prove what we're not that welost what we were. So we only
got a sense, yeah, we lost a lotof the feminine archetypal
energy that is the beauty ofwhat it means to be a woman, the
nurturing, the caretaking, theempathy and being in that place

(21:26):
of pleasure, of receptivity. Andso what I find is the discomfort
for so many people isn't justthe stress or the overwhelm. For
women, the discomfort is inreceiving pleasure. The
discomfort is in relaxing andthat's really where I want to
take myself, because I'm stillworking on it, because I'm a
type A person, and I'm like, inthis world of entrepreneurship

(21:49):
and achievement and unlearning,like you said before, it's like
we have to kind of deconditionourselves from this is what
success means. And I heard thisfrom a book before, and I'm not
going to remember who the authorwas right now, but it was
success or achievement. Issimply a life you approve of.
And the The truth is, is, aswomen, no one's going to do that

(22:10):
for us, but ourselves. And thereason we're drinking is because
we're not approving of our life,because we're comparing it all
of the things, right? So to stepinto your feminine because
sometimes people are like, Idon't even know what that means.
Yeah, the first part of that isto feel, to feel the human
experience. Because we're notjust alive when we're feeling
good, we're alive. One of mycoaches says life is 5050, and,

(22:32):
you know, I think when wegenerate more awareness, the
time in between kind of feelingcrappy gets shorter. It's like
we were in this journey offorgetting and remembering, and
the forgetting becomes shorterand shorter as we generate more
awareness. Or we don't make it aproblem, right? We're not like,
oh my gosh, like, this thinghappened. It's a problem. It's
like, No, this is my humanexperience, and this is how this

(22:53):
is part of it. This iscompletely normal, because I am
in this cycle. So the firstthing I really teach women,
especially high achieving womenthat you know maybe a little
more dissociated just from theirneeds in general, that they even
have needs, right like we dohave needs that we can't get
from someone else, that we can'tget from our job, that we can't
get from achievement, that wehave to get from ourselves. Is

(23:15):
just to start to collect data ofreally watching how your cycle
changes, without judging it andhonoring it, honoring that, this
menstrual cycle. And if you'reoutside of your bleeding years
or for whatever reason you'renot bleeding, you can use the
moon because it's it'sessentially the same thing. So
you can still see, in a cyclicalrhythm, your hormones will have
changed a little bit, but youcan still see like, okay, I can

(23:37):
see where I have that fire,where I want a party where I
want to let loose, and I can seethat time where I want to go
inward and I'm sensitive. Andthe thing that's happened is
that we've used alcohol as thebridge to solve every single one
of those emotions, but they allhave different they all need a
different solution. And sothat's why all of our emotions
at this point, this is, ofcourse, general speaking, are

(24:00):
associated with alcohol, thegood, the bad, the indifferent.
And it's like I want to bealive. What does achievement
feel like in my body? What doesexcitement feel like in my body?
What does deep sorrow feel likein my body? And deep pleasure
and letting all of thoseemotions have a full cycle, have
a beginning, middle and endwithout interruption, because

(24:22):
every time you use alcohol, andthis is kind of getting into the
nervous system piece, we'reinterrupting the flow of our
natural state of emotion, right?
And that is what can almosttriggers to the body that it has
a trauma response, becauseyou're essentially sending the
signal it's not safe to feel theway you feel, naturally and
authentically right now, good,bad or indifferent. Isn't safe.

(24:44):
An alteration of how yournatural state is right now is
required, and we don't know it.
It's very subconscious. Well,for me,

Unknown (24:53):
the way I experienced it was I almost felt like it was
wrong, which still means unsafe.
But. It was like, Oh my gosh,why don't I have the energy to
do these things that I want todo? Why am I just wanting to lay
on the couch, just like a lot ofself criticism and this last
year of taking this journey toreally honoring being cared for,

(25:15):
caring for myself, working withmy husband on this ship that I'm
making, that he's totallyembraced, and which I know not
all partners are alwayssupportive, but thankfully, I
have a supportive partner inthis it's the biggest battle has
been me, with me and how Iperceive my performance, or how
my feelings or how my body'sfeeling is hindering my

(25:38):
performance, and I really had tounsubscribe to my old narrative
of what success looks like, andreally surrender like I can be
successful while still doing itwith a different process, like
it's gonna look different, butit actually, when I embrace it,
feels better. Yes, even thoughit feels foreign, like sometimes

(25:59):
I have this cognitivedissonance, yes, have to talk
myself through it, but I'm like,No, this is yes. This feels
weird because you're used todoing it a certain way for,
like, 30 years, or whatever itwas, but this feels better,
right? This feels more honoring,this Yes, more natural, even
though it feels awkward becauseit's a change, like, I have to
coach myself through itsometimes, and that can be a

(26:21):
weird place to be in, like forthat absolutely time. You know
what I mean. And so I understandwhy alcohol can be a thing that
is involved, right?

Absolutely Well, and what you're describing, and
because I listened to yourstory, is like you had to create
safety for yourself. And youknow your and this is the same
as my story. It's like I had tocreate my own sense of safety
through my own resourcefulness,right? Because I grew up with my
mom dodging bill collectors. AndI mean, God bless her. She is,

(26:54):
she is the reason I am who I amand the way I'm independent. But
I was like, I'm never going tolet that happen. So financial
independence was always soimportant for me. So the same
thing is kind of happening withmy household right now, where my
husband is really like, I'mgonna hold the security of this
foundation. This woman that Ishared with you, Kelly Brogan,
she's a She's amazing. She talksabout masculine and feminine

(27:16):
money and how masculine moneyis, is our foundation, is our
safety, but the feminine wantsto be creative, but we can't
feel safe enough to create ifthe foundation of the stability
isn't supporting our nervoussystem. Yeah, so you're having,
and I'm doing the same thing,where you're having to remind
yourself it's safe, it's safefor me to to rest, it's safe for

(27:39):
me to let go. If that is a bigthing. So that's one of I talk
about this concept called thefeminine way of sobriety. I
don't really even love the termsobriety, because it's so
loaded, but the feminine way ofsobriety is establishing safety.
And some people, some women, aredoing it on their own, because,
like you said, they don't havenecessarily this, this literal

(28:00):
masculine foundation. But we allhave masculine and feminine
energy inside of ourselves. Wehave to learn, no matter what,
no matter even if there is apartner involved, how to create
that containment of safety inour nervous system. So that's
really the first part of I amsafe here and and really, like
just kind of same conceptuallike fact finding, just

(28:22):
gathering data. Okay, what areall my resources, even if it's
kind of something you wouldn'tthink of as a resource, like,
well, I have my phone, I have mycomputer, I have re access to
information. I have, you know,these supportive people in my
life. I have literally this muchmoney in my bank account,
whatever it is, it's reallyimportant to gather our
resources so that when our brainwants to tell us that we're not

(28:44):
safe, softening being in theemotional state of our human
experience, being in ourfeminine we can say, Okay, I
already am, whatever that is,and find evidence that it's true
without doing that. So it's sobrilliant that you're already
doing this naturally. And Ibelieve that all women have this
intuition of doing this work,but it our intuition has also

(29:10):
really been shamed as justanother like, emotional flare
up, right?

Unknown (29:17):
It's like, oh yeah.
It's like, there's been so muchbrainwashing around the concept
of intuition, yeah.

So learning to trust that and kind of bringing
it all back online, it takestime. And that's, that's the
second piece of the feminineway. So the first piece is
safety, the other piece of thefeminine way is luxurious space
like that. There's that. There'sno rush, because it doesn't you
know you had a life like yousaid. You're 42 right? I'm I'm

(29:45):
going to be 44 this year. Itdidn't happen. This didn't
happen overnight, especiallywhen it comes to alcohol or any
big thing you want to change inyour life. This is a
transformation that is so nextlevel to your evolution and
what's possible for your life.
Life, this isn't just this isn'tabout alcohol at really at all.
We have to center this changearound ourselves and the

(30:06):
relationship we have withourselves and our life and our
womanhood, and really be able toask, What kind of woman do I
want to be? What do I stand for?
And just kind of unpacking it ina really slow, beautiful way,
because we want to see how theevidence is showing up in our
life. And because we're not men,we're not working on a 24 hour

(30:26):
cycle, sometimes we don't seethe evidence of it until next
month, where we're like, Oh,wow. I actually handled that
differently than I would havebefore. I can see that things
are shifting for me. I can seethat I don't have as much
resistance to that, and that iswhen we build the confidence
where this is so common, theshame, like, why don't you have

(30:47):
the energy you can't let likeyou're too being lazy, or
whatever it is, like I had to beforced to this weekend, my
husband took us out a littlesurprise for Valentine's Day.
And I was, like, totally intoit. I, you know, I micromanage
any of it. And I had somethoughts come up about like, we
ended up not really being ableto do much because my little boy
wasn't feeling good. But I waslike, Okay, we're gonna be here,

(31:09):
and we like to play games andhang out and stuff, but we're
all kind of busy bodies anddoing projects and stuff. But we
hung out, we like watch TV,which doesn't really happen. I
was like, No, this is so goodfor my nervous system. This is
telling my nervous system it issafe if we do this, nothing has
gone wrong. And in fact, we'rebonding as a family. And I'm

(31:29):
teaching my kid that it's okayto rest, yeah, it's okay to be
in the living of life, you know,like that. That can be
satisfying, just to be right?
And so I'm really glad that youbrought up this piece
personally, too, of being thishigh achieving woman, and how we
have to, like you said,unsubscribe, that we don't have
to do it in this masculine wayanymore, and we can still have

(31:50):
success, and we can still havefinancial freedom, we can still
have professional success, butwe can do it through the lens of
the feminine, but we have to bewilling to give ourselves
permission to do it, because thestructures that are in place
right now, like all of ourinstitutions, are way they're
slow technology and humanawareness is moving so much

(32:14):
quicker than our institutions,as you know, are catching up to
it. So we have to be thecatalyst for change and not ask
permission or forgiveness andjust do it differently. Frankly,

Unknown (32:26):
yeah, absolutely. And I it's important to surround
yourself with people who aregoing to support that, right?
Yeah, which isn't always easy.
There's lots of messaging onsocial media, and, you know,
just in our world around thatreally go against that. I'm
actually thinking about somebodywho is a personal trainer who I
used to follow, and I actuallyunfollowed this person because

(32:48):
it wasn't healthy for me,because the perception or the
take that she had is like, yousuck it up and you push no
matter what. And that wasliterally what I was trying to
get away from, right? Yes, and,and there was a lot of narrative
around, like, it doesn't matterif you have your period, it's a
mindset, and it's a this or, andI'm like, Okay, this is the kind

(33:08):
of stuff I have to unsubscribeto, because that's the narrative
I used to run in my own life allthe time. Like, this is what I'm
trying to move away from. Soit's like giving yourself
permission, that it's okay tounsubscribe, unfollow, move
people to a different, you know,layer of inner circle if you
need to, right? And maybe youdon't share everything with

(33:29):
them. And I think that that'simportant too. And I think that
that's a really, it can be areally challenging, yeah, for
for people to do absolutely.

I mean, it's a huge thing that comes up for
women. That's one of theobjections is, you know, am I
going to be any fun? What arepeople going to think? Am I
going to be, you know, can I besocial? Am I going to be this
downer? And what I found, and,you know, we coach through this,
and we look at the thoughts andwe we disprove them, and then
we, we really follow theintention more than the

(33:59):
expectation. That's a hugedistinction that I teach people,
is to look at your heartfeltintention for why you're doing
something, because you're nottypically being social just to
drink, typically you're wantingto connect or celebrate or share
or something. So when we leadwith our heartfelt intention, we
get in touch with a differentpart of us that bypasses how we

(34:21):
need to be for other people,because we are, we're often
putting our thoughts into otherpeople's head. And what I've
found is even if people do havean opinion, your willingness,
our willingness to beunapologetic about what's best
for for my personal life, landsin someone's brain in a way that
makes them reflect on themselvestypically, and so even if they

(34:44):
want to say something about it,but most of the time, people are
generally supportive. And what Ifound is because I had this very
unapologetic, very casualapproach, because I always say
sober cheerleading is not mything. I'm not baking a cake
for. My sober anniversary, whichI don't think there's anything
wrong with that, and I am soproud of the work I've done. I

(35:05):
just didn't leave drinking tobecome a sober person, and I
have to talk. I talk about itall the time because, yeah, this
is my business, but in mypersonal life, is the biggest
reason why I'm able to do thework I do and have a more full
expression of who I am, and godeeper in my humanity, and go
deeper and challenging myself orhonoring myself the absence of

(35:27):
alcohol. But when I was talkingto people, I'm like, Yeah, you
know, it was really casual.
Sometimes I brought it up.
Sometimes I didn't justexploring my relationship to
alcohol. And I was kind of in myown inner coaching, self
coaching, and I was working withsome people, some spiritual
mentors at the time. But when Iwas really casual about it, not
making it like I have a problem,or you have a problem, or anyone

(35:48):
has a problem, yeah, people cameout of the woodwork. Everyone
was like me, too. I want to talkabout this like they it felt
like a safe space for them totalk and as you know, in our
polarized, you know, media andpolitical arena and all the
things, it's like, we have to bewilling to listen. We have to be
willing to just softensometimes, and I say definitely,

(36:10):
like, there's too much influenceout there to let your brain go
someplace that it doesn't needto go. Like, I'm a big proponent
of changing the circumstance,because we can think new
thoughts about the circumstance,or we can just change it and be
like, I don't have the capacityto deal with that right now.

Unknown (36:26):
I've got other things to deal with. This is my
opinion. But I've noticed thatpeople who have the biggest
transformations are usuallypeople who take themselves out
of environments that are reallycreating the the response in
them, right? And so it's noteven an avoidance thing, but
it's kind of like, yeah, you cando a lot of work, but if you

(36:46):
stay in the same environmentthat is continuously triggering
or causing mental healthchallenges, anxiety, yes, then
what do you write an uphillbattle for the rest of your
life, right? Sometimes it's morethe environment than anything
else, and that's just the truth.
Like,

yeah, absolutely.
I heard you say that in the showtoo. And I believe, I believe
that it's definitely can bethat, and it can also be like
our perspective too, right? Soone of the things that I coach
people on, and that I think canbe important, like, say you're
in a relationship, like in amarriage, that you're like, This
sucks. And I have all thesethoughts about what they're not
doing, right? But you really,you really step into your lane,
and you clean up your side ofthe street, right? And you make

(37:26):
sure you're taking personalresponsibility. I mean, I know
my relationship has changeddramatically when I take
personal responsibility for it,but then you have the clarity of
discernment at that point whenyou know I've done I'm really
honest with myself, I'm doing mywork. I'm trying to see things
through neutral, a neutral lens,letting you know, like letting

(37:46):
my husband be his sovereignself, and he's got his own
things. But now, when I'veemotionally regulated myself,
okay, now I know this isn't forme, right? So I think it's
important to to leave whenyou're feeling really good. Now,
of course, there's circumstancesthat are dangerous, and it's
like, you gotta go. You gottago. But yeah, absolutely no. I

(38:08):
am huge proponent of, like,change the circumstance, and
then you can also see then too.
But sometimes we can also betake our mind with us, right?
It's like there are people too.
It's like the grass is alwaysgreener. We always think it's
like the next job, the nextsounds the next job, right? So
it's a little bit of both. Ifyou're

Unknown (38:28):
not doing the inner healing, doesn't matter how many
times you change yourenvironment,

yeah, exactly. So it's both. But I think having
the ability to regulate ournervous system be honest with
ourselves about we say it's notworking. Where are you not
working? Right? Where are younot willing to show up to do the
thing that maybe you think isharder, and getting support
around that too, becausesometimes we don't know, I mean
mindfulness tools and like, youknow, all of the tools that you

(38:54):
have as a therapist and doingcoaching work, it's like we're
not born with that ability.
People don't teach us thisstuff. And so I always say I'm
teaching you all the things thatyour mother didn't teach you,
and I'm still wearing it too.
You know, I've taught womenabout 40 year old women about
cyclical living, and thenthey're teaching their daughters
about it, their daughters thatare having a lot of anxiety in

(39:15):
high school and challenges inadolescence, and now they,
generationally, are changingthis cycle of emotional trauma
because they're teaching theirdaughters like, okay, hey, you
feel really nervous and anxiousabout going to school. Where are
you at in your cycle? Oh, thisis why. And then they're like,
hey. And it changes everything.
Just that little bit of datagives us permission to feel the

(39:38):
way that we feel, and then wedon't compound it by shaming
ourselves wrong with me type ofthing, right? And then that's
what always leads to thedrinking. Is like, you know,
something's wrong with me, I andthen you make yourself feel
worse about it, and it's likethe only solution is the
alcohol. And then that createsthis vicious cycle. Feeding
itself, where then the alcoholbecomes, you know, the source of

(40:02):
the problem of lowering our ourfeel good chemicals, because it
affects every single system inour body. You know, I really
don't talk a lot about thenegative impact of alcohol,
because even though we kind ofall know it is a neurotoxin, it
is addictive substance, buttalking about the negative
impact of alcohol doesn't creategood feelings in our body,

(40:25):
because the words that we say toourselves, and we can have an
awareness of it, but it doesn'tinspire change. What inspires
change is when I lead with myheartfelt intention, when I
focus more on what I'm movingtowards versus what I'm moving
away from, but it is good toknow the biological effects of
alcohol. And so what I say in mywork, it's both an intersection

(40:46):
of behavior and belief, and it'sall of our beliefs around the
narrative of what we meet, whatit means to quit drinking, what
it means to about me as adrinker, what's underneath that
that I've been covering up orthat I didn't know I was
covering up. So what I've foundreally, is it the beliefs that
we have about alcohol and aboutthe narrative around it and

(41:08):
ourselves have much, a muchbigger impact in keeping us
stuck than the behavior and thechemical of the alcohol itself.
And you know, we have habitualbeliefs create habitual
behavior, and it all starts witha belief we're not continuously
like brushing our teeth becausewe think it's bad for us. And
that's just like a simple dailyexample. But you know, there's

(41:29):
these underlying beliefs that wehave around alcohol or the
absence of it that really needto be brought to the surface in
a really neutral and loving wayin order for us to create the
change and start to move towardslike the beliefs that we want to
believe, and then we generateevidence that they're true. And
the ones we have about alcoholactually aren't true. And when
we start to just bring it intoawareness and we bring it into

(41:53):
the light, we find out that thatwe already have so much of what
we needed all along, and it'sit's just the removing of the
layers to find our wholenessthat we don't really need to
become whole. We need to removewhat is covering up our
wholeness already. That's so, I

Unknown (42:11):
love that. That's such a banger. It's so, you know what
I mean? Like, yeah, you'realready whole, but you have
these things that have hiddenthose pieces of you, right?
Yeah, yeah, okay. I do want toget to this nervous system
alcohol connection, and alsovery fascinated by this idea
that alcohol mimics the effectsof trauma. Can you share more

(42:35):
about that? Yeah, absolutely.
Well,

I mentioned it briefly, but what happens is,
what, okay, let me just start atthis, what I believe the impact
of trauma is. And you talkedabout this in your episode too,
how we have these differentideas of what trauma is. I
really believe trauma is amoment in time where we don't
feel safe, where there was thatimprint gets stored in the body,
and that can be for manydifferent things, and what

(43:00):
happens often is in ouradulthood, and you know this
too, is that we experience asimilar frequency or a similar
emotion that triggers an oldresponse that we're not even
aware of, right? So say, like,you lost your mom at the grocery
store and you couldn't find her.
That could be a very traumaticimprint for a child, like
there's this moment of fear thatgets stored in the tissue of the

(43:24):
body, and even potentially, youfind someone, and that feeling
is ignored or invalidated,right? Like, you finally find
your mom, and it's like, Oh,don't be sad, right? I'm here.
You don't have anything to worryabout, right? We really time
travel through the frequency ofemotion, right? So we have,
maybe not a completely unrelatedexperience, but an experience in

(43:48):
our adult life that the body hasstored that is associated with
that past emotion that we don'teven know is there. We don't
even know that memory is there.
And then we add alcohol as thebridge to move away from that
emotion. Well, that imprint getsstored even deeper in the body,

(44:08):
because we are never giving it achance to come up and out
Sanskrit or in yoga philosophy,they call this a samskara, where
it's a groove in the brain,where that groove in the brain
gets deeper and deeper anddeeper and deeper, and we never
get to take a new pathway.
Essentially. Now what'shappening is you are reinforcing
through the presence of alcoholthat that emotion isn't safe to

(44:31):
feel, that memory that your bodyhas is actually true and valid,
that when you feel thisfrequency, because emotions are
just sensations in our body,and, you know, a release of
chemicals. So when we feel thosesensations in the body and we
add alcohol to override them,we're sending this signal that,

(44:52):
in fact, danger is happening,and we're repeating that same
signal again and again and againand. For women, and what we're
talking about with pleasure,when we're feeling good, or
we're feeling achievement, orlike, Oh, I just want to let
loose and break free. We're alsoassociating pleasure achievement
and excitement that it's notsafe to feel in its most natural
form, because we're associatingit with alcohol. And every time

(45:16):
you you add alcohol to anemotion, you are stopping the
emotion from having a fullcycle, from having its full
expression happen naturally. Sowe really don't even know. I
mean, I thought I knew what itwas to have fun, and we always
think we're like adding alcoholto have even more fun, and it's
what we're doing, is we're justinhibiting our thoughts that are

(45:38):
in the way of us having fun. Sowhen I when I coach women, and
they're like, but I want to havefun still. And I'm like, Girl, I
got sober going to ecstaticdance, and I danced with such a
huge catalyst in my journey ofsobriety that I became a DJ
because of it. So I'm like, anecstatic I'm an ecstatic dance
DJ. I teach embodiment, and Ialways say, like we're throwing

(46:01):
a better party, because I'mactually ecstatic. Dance is not
just about, you know, we thinkof ecstasy as, like, this
blissful experience. Everyonehas had a good cry where you cry
so hard and it feels so good,right? You're like, Oh, it's so
cathartic. That is possible withevery emotion, it is possible
for us to fully embody everyemotion, so much so that there

(46:24):
is a catharsis that it feelsactually pleasurable on the
other side of it, that is reallywhere that where we keep re
imprinting trauma into our bodywhen we're feeling A sensation,
and then we're using alcohol tochange or to numb or dull or
just alter dissociate, like,

Unknown (46:47):
yeah, that is so good.
I've never thought of alcohol orsubstances as a way to
dissociate or feel normal, ifyou will, right, like not feel
Yeah. Never thought about it asessentially as a trauma cycle or
pushing or imprinting it deeper,and that makes a lot sense,
well, and for a

lot of people that have been drinking for a
long time. And I didn't reallystart heavily drinking, probably
until like after college,really, but I did start when I
was like 18 more, but I used tosmoke a lot of pot when I was
younger, so I've had a cycle ofdissociating since I was like,
12 or 13 years old. What I'vefound for myself is that there's

(47:25):
these things that happen in mylife, and I can't associate them
with any real memory. I'm stilltrying to, like, figure it out,
but where I kind of have theseunnatural fears, right? And now
it could be just the wounding ofbeing a woman, and we've, you
know, I mean being in the worldas a woman can be quite scary,
like women get attacked andwomen get hurt. And we do have
imprints from our ancestry thatlives in our DNA as well. So it

(47:47):
could just be ancestral woundingthat I'm not really even aware
of. So I will have these likereal, embodied moments of deep,
deep fear that don't they don'tequate to my life experience,
yeah, and what I've found isbecause I altered my nervous
system from fully developing atsuch a young age that when tough

(48:08):
times were happening, I wasalways dissociating. And so our
nervous system expands andcontracts, right? It's like a
river. It ebbs and it flows. Andif we don't have the experiences
to allow like a muscle, tocreate more resiliency, to
create a greater capacity forwhat it can hold it's going to

(48:30):
freeze, and this is why it's soimportant with our children to
honor we have to be able tovalidate their emotions and
honor emotional cycles ofintimacy, not interrupt
emotions, so that our children,their nervous systems, can learn
to develop in a really healthyway that they're not afraid of
emotion. And to do that asparents, we have to be able to

(48:52):
have emotional mastery overourselves, because being a
parent could be veryfrustrating. And so this is what
I'm working on so deeply, ishaving emotion emotional self
mastery, having boundaries formyself, so that I can be a safe
environment for my kid toexperience whatever he needs to
experience, and not make it meananything about me. And that's
huge. It's hard, is it's

Unknown (49:14):
a lot of work. But that

are why people drink too, right? Like, that's
why moms, at the end of the day,they're like, I got nothing. I
got nothing left. But if youlearn to separate yourself, if
you learn to pull yourself backand hold space and stop making
it about you stop trying tocontrol everything, right?
Because this is with women, isbecause we feel kind of out of
control ourselves. A lot of timewe're trying to micromanage

(49:36):
everything, but we don't needto. People can manage
themselves. And so if we kind ofjust take a break, just try to
get curious, what if I stoppedtrying to micromanage everything
for a minute, what would happen?
And it's like, oh, I can just bea loving support. I can be here,
loving and supportive, and nothave to take it so damn
personally all the time and seewhat happens. Right? Like, of

(49:58):
course, there's a. Perceptionsto the rule, but I know for
myself, and this is even afteralcohol I was trying to I was
micromanaging a lot in myhousehold. That was like taking
away from me, creating pleasurein my own life. I think

Unknown (50:13):
that that comes back to safety again, yeah, because it
feels like, I mean, it feelslike it's unsafe to surrender
and let the chips fall. There'sthis feeling that like you're
responsible for everyone, and ifthey're not doing what they need
to do or whatever, then you'renot doing well. And that just

(50:36):
feels very obviously unsafe,right? There's a lot I feel like
for women with what we think ourrole is, and if we're not
fulfilling that role, then youknow, we're failing, and that
creates this feeling of safety,like, if you're failing, like
you're expendable, absolutely,

yeah, there's all of these rules that we you know,
I think we've unintentionallyjust kind of taken on, and of
course, we've seen itgenerationally, or we want to do
different than our parents did,and so we put a lot of pressure
on ourselves, which I think is,you know, the case for you and I
in a lot of ways. And what Ifound so the three pieces of the
feminine way, and this is kindof my new framework, because I

(51:16):
have this other process calledthe Five shifts of alcohol
freedom. But this is really thefeminine way of alcohol. Freedom
is establishing safety in thenervous system, allowing
yourself to have luxuriousspace. Just, you know, this is
going to take time. I'm learninga new way. I'm going to give
myself a year to just really bein the curiosity of my own self
and then exquisite self care.
And when I talk about self care,it's not just about like

(51:38):
pedicures and massages, butgiving yourself, I call it a
sacred time out five minutes.
Sometimes we have to literallyput our hand on our heart, take
a breath, walk into thebathroom, sit down on the toilet
and ground, just groundyourself. And that, to me, is
that is exquisite care of myselfso that I can stay in dignity
and integrity with the way Ireally want to show up, and

(52:01):
sometimes that means I have toremove myself for a minute, but
I still do want to hold spacefor my kid. I still want to know
Him, to know I'm there, thathe's safe enough to experience
his thing. And so when we starttaking exquisite care of
ourselves as women, and we takeresponsibility for our own
happiness, I do find, just likewith alcohol, that the

(52:22):
micromanaging piece starts tobecome less important because
we're doing that as a way toevery action we take, the end
result is always an emotion. Wealways think, if I do this, I'm
gonna feel better. But when wecan do that work ahead of time,
proactively, and we're alwayslike in the act of taking care
of ourselves in whatever way weneed, asking for help, asking

(52:42):
the art of asking, right?
Letting someone else take over,which I know you talking about
with your husband, can be reallychallenging. It's like, it has
to be good enough. Sometimes,right? Might not be the way
you've done it, but it has to besometimes, like, yes, we have a
joke in my house that there'sonly one way to fold a towel.

Unknown (52:58):
Yeah, there's only one way to fold a towel, you know.
But we laugh about

it, and it's like, I don't even know if you
fold the towel. I just usuallyfold the towels, but it's fine.
I've seen where, if I let go andI turn that energy inward, it
has such a different lastingresult than the towels being
folded the right way or whateverit is, you know. So it just
takes self awareness. It takesthe willingness to be wrong.
Sometimes it takes thewillingness to for someone else

(53:22):
to maybe be right, or just tosee a different perspective than
one of my coaches always says,Would you rather be right or
happy? Because sometimes beingright doesn't always create
happiness if we're fighting ourway to it. Yeah, I love that.
And then, you know, to kind ofbring it all together. It's like
the end result of this, often,for women, is alcohol, right?
Where we're like, micromanaging,or we're not taking care of

(53:44):
ourselves, or we're having toprove our worth, because none of
it's actually filling us up onthe inside, we're still left
depleted. And these things thatwe've kind of been promised in
some weird societal way, or justtraditionally, culturally that
we've been promised, are goingto create happiness for us, and
then they don't, and we stillfeel depleted, we still feel

(54:04):
numb, we still feel overwhelmed.
It's like, okay, well now I'mgonna have a drink, because
shit, nothing else seems to bereally working. Yes,

Unknown (54:11):
I will say this from my own experience, especially my
journey this last year, reallyembracing my feminine energy, my
cycle, I'm having a lot more fundoing what I'm doing. I'm way
less focused on air, quote,success, even though I am
cultivating success, I'm morefocused on the process versus

(54:34):
the results. I'm way morepresent with myself and in my
life, with my importantrelationships, which are
bringing me much more pleasure,because I'm just more focused on
being present with the person.
It's interesting. Just as like atestimonial is I am now, like
two weeks from having my week ofbleeding, right the week before

(54:55):
I was really tired and kind of.
Out of it, and instead, andevery month, I've made progress
where I'm not like trying toforce something, and I just I
work when I feel like it. Andyes, and I know that not
everybody has that luxury. I'man entrepreneur. I can do that.
I have an established business,so I have the space to do that.
But I am not forcing myself todo a certain workout, right? I'm

(55:18):
doing the movement that feelsgood if I want to work out in my
pajamas instead of tightclothes. I add up. Then I
noticed that the week coming outof, like, my period, I was just
like, I had this natural energy,just like, bang, so much out,
and I had so much clarity andlaser focus, and I got probably
more done in joy too, that, likeweek, week and a half, than if I

(55:41):
was trying to force myselfright, and it would be mediocre,
and be like, dragging myself,and it would be from a place of
guilt and, like, obligation, andit just felt so good. And I'm
like, Why haven't I been doingit like this? The whole freaking
time is fine, it's fine, but itjust it made me reflect on,
like, gosh, like, I'm sothankful that I'm embracing
this, and even though sometimesit still feels awkward because

(56:03):
it's like, not the way I used todo it, I just feel more
fulfilled. My daughter is like,Mom, you're you're so much more
present with me now than I mean,she's 11, so she, you know, very
aware. She's like, I just reallylike the way you are, like
you're hanging out with me, andyou seem less stressed, and, you
know, like you're paying moreattention to me and like I'm

(56:24):
enjoying that process. And soanybody listening in like it's a
process, and I highly encourageyou, whether it's alcohol or
not, this in itself, is justsuch a rite of passage for
women, and you can achieve andbe who you want to be at the
same time, you just have to beokay with it looking different,
you know?

Yes, oh my god, I'm so glad you shared that,
because it's such a beautifultestament. Because really, this
is the highest form of ourauthenticity. My authenticity
isn't just about sharing youropinions. Our authenticity is
how do I feel in the moment andWhat need do I have personally?
So we have to start there firstbefore it's like, be seen, be

(57:02):
heard. You know all thesethings, like, you don't play
small. It's like, no, we've gotto know what's going on with our
body. And then that stuff thatnaturally wants to come out into
the world. Like you said, youhave this clarity. And it's such
a beautiful thing too, to modelfor your daughter, especially as
she's coming into adolescencetoo. So I'm so happy for you,
because, I mean, I was the same.
I didn't start really chartingmy cycle in this way, of, like,

(57:22):
understanding that I had thesedifferent energies at different
times. And you know, if you are,I was thinking this the other
day too, because I was, like,the first day I was just feeling
bloated and just lethargic andkind of grouchy, and I'm like, I
am so grateful I don't have togo sit somewhere right now,
forced to go somewhere. But whatI would say, sometimes, there's

(57:42):
things on our calendar. Now,here's a radical thing. I've
tried to do it. I'm gonna, I'mactually gonna sit down and do a
little bit more work on this forthe rest of the year. Is looking
at what your cycle looks likefor the entire year. And so you
can kind of anticipate, I'm notgonna plan a party at a family
gathering when I'm on day 23 orwhatever, when I'm starting to
feel that way. So that's aradical way to run your life,

(58:04):
which is syncing your calendarwith your cycle. And of course,
it changes a little bit. But ifyou do have to go out into the
world, and you do have to gointo an office, or you do have
to be with people, there canjust be a softening in your own
mind, right? The words that wesay to ourselves when we're by
ourselves have the biggestimpact, yes, yes. Or, you know,
taking a break from, like yousaid your workout. I love when I

(58:25):
hear women say, you know, I justam going to let my body move the
way it wants to move naturally,without it having to be this
thing that ends up creating morecortisol in the body anyway, and
probably hindering metabolismwhen you're forcing yourself to
well.

Unknown (58:40):
And I will tell you that my body composition, I'm
reaching my composition goals. Ifeel better, and I don't know if
I'd say the word faster, butkind of more sustainably than
when I used to force myself todo things when I didn't feel
like it. Yep. And I'm noticing atransformation in my body and my

(59:01):
composition in ways ever before,and I will, like, let myself go
now days without a ton ofmovement. Maybe I'll walk a
little or stretch or whatever.
But it's like, whereas beforeI'd be like, No, I've got to
lift or I've got to do somesprints, or I've got to do this,
and my body is, like, happier,like, she is shifting more

(59:22):
easily, more fluidly. So that'sbeen incredible. I do want to
say this because I think forhigh achievers, whether you're
in a corporate setting or work ajob, or you're an entrepreneur,
like we are, I think thatthere's also fear sometimes,
like, if I actually honor whatwhat my body's telling me to do?
Am I going to stop making asmuch money? That was a huge fear

(59:45):
for me, because my husband I areactually in the process of
transitioning from me being thebreadwinner, I'm good at making
money, and me being the personwho provides the most money in
the house to him. Reallystepping in, and what you talked
about the masculine money versusthe feminine money, and US
shifting to he's the coreprovider of all of our basic

(01:00:05):
bills and basic needs. And thenwhat I make goes towards fun,
investment, travel, likeexpanding our wealth, and that's
been something we haven't liveduntil this last year, and it's a
transition, and there's been alot of fear around it, because
I'm shifting and changing, and Iknow that there will be an
upswing of income for me again,but I have to be okay with that

(01:00:27):
awkward stage where maybe myincome has shifted back a little
because I'm learning how to beefficient and effective in the
periods where I'm really drivento do so and rest when I'm not
and I have to continuouslysurrender and know, like, no,
it's I don't need to live intothis fear and scarcity that,

(01:00:48):
like, if I am not alwaysworking, then we're gonna go
broke, or I'm not gonna get backto where I was and beyond. You
know what I mean? And yes, Ithink 100% I'm right there.
Girl, yeah, and it's giving himthe space, which is
uncomfortable for him and for meto really step into the gap. But
it takes time. On a practicallevel, sometimes you have to

(01:01:08):
adjust your budget. Sometimesyou might not take the trip that
year. Like we've made somesacrifices and changes to our
budget to accommodate this shiftthat we're making relationally
in our finances, and it'suncomfortable, and I and I think
that that's something that'simportant to talk about, because
it can hold high achieving womenback, especially if they have a
partner who's supportive. I knownot everybody does right, or

(01:01:30):
you're single, sometimes thattakes some other practical
things that you have to put inplace to give yourself the
safety net and the space to makethese shifts that long term will
work for you, but in thebeginning, it doesn't feel like
they're working. And you'relike, oh my gosh, what you know?
And say, that's a big thing.

Mary Wagstaff (01:01:49):
Yeah, it's huge.
I'm so glad you're talking thisis a conversation that a lot of
women are having now. Andactually, you know, there's
another woman named Laura Doylewho is a relationship coach.
She's pretty well known. Herideas are pretty radical,
especially if you're, like, aquote, unquote feminist. But she
talks about, especially in atraditional male female
household, there is such an Arespect that men really thrive

(01:02:10):
off of having thatresponsibility and having to
step up to that and I know formy husband, because we made the
exact same change this yearwhere he started, like I was
always doing the bills, I alwaysknew about the money. But now
I'm seeing him put himselfbecause we just moved to a new
community, and so he's puttinghimself out there in ways that
he wouldn't have necessarily,because he is really stepping

(01:02:35):
up. And he's always, you know,he's an entrepreneur too, like
he's always made money andcontributed, but it was like he
just what didn't have his handsin it. He didn't see it because
I was trying, I was felt, didn'tfeel safe enough to let him
sweaty and control totallyrelate because of what the work
we I think we had to do aschildren, right? That we as
younger people, we could talkabout it for forever, like

(01:02:58):
there's so many layers here, butwhat it comes down to is that
little by little, just creatingthat sense of safety for
yourself so that you canultimately, what you're saying
is be in the pleasure that it isto be a woman, be in the
feminine flow of the creativeprocess, right? And that doesn't
mean we don't work and we don'thave a schedule or anything like

(01:03:18):
that, and it just means beingmore present to your ever
changing needs, not having toexplain your emotions to anyone.
One of my really good friendsand colleagues says, I'm under
no obligation to make sense toanyone, including myself.

Unknown (01:03:35):
Oh, I love that. I do too, and I feel

like as a woman, we really just we don't need to
always make sense, becausesometimes we talk in spirals,
and we have all sorts of ideasand we see the big picture.
We're really good at holding thebig picture. But, yeah, I think
that we're in a state of a newfeminine evolution, that we're
awakening to FeminineEmpowerment in a new way. And

(01:04:00):
you know, where we're at is areally beautiful place, because
we have access to many things.
So I think it's a really goodplace when we embrace the
privileges that we have, when weembrace the essence, really, of
who we are as women, and we getto just ask ourselves, what kind
of woman do I want to be? Thenthe need for alcohol, the need
for dissociation, and anyway,starts to fall away. And when we

(01:04:21):
see ourselves moving towardsthat, we're like, okay, that's a
sign that there's someimbalance, or there's something
I'm needing that's lacking, ormaybe it's even just a thought,
you know, maybe I'm projectingonto my husband because of an
insecurity I have, right? It'ssuch a big topic, but I'm so
excited for you, and I feel veryresonant with where you're at,
because I'm kind of in the exactsame boat. I have a lot of

(01:04:44):
creative projects that I amreally interested in pursuing,
but yeah, there's that, like,can I let go and trust and know
that my path of more financialfreedom, my path of more
success, is actually mesurrendering so that I can.
Really align with the next phaseof what I'm gonna do, you know,
and that's hard. It is scary. Itis scary.

Unknown (01:05:06):
I'm excited for you. I love all the work that you're
doing. I am gonna be linking allthe links you gave me in the
show notes, perfect, so thatpeople can find you. And I
really encourage everybody to gofind Mary. She's incredible.
Follow her. Check out herwebsite, check out her offers.
Do you have anything right now?
Are you taking new clients? I amtaking

new clients.
Yeah, I offer a complimentaryconsult, just so I can meet with
people. And from my perspective,a lot of times, women are asking
the question, Why? Why do I keepdoing this thing that I don't
want to be doing? And through,you know, a really beautiful
judgment free conversation. Ican typically see where they're
stuck. It's a nice way to justget some clarity about where you
are. I do have a podcast aswell, yeah, stop drinking and

(01:05:50):
start living the feminine way.
There's a lot of resourcesthere. People go to my website.
I have a monthly class workshopthat I offer for free. There's
some other little freebies theycan download, and there's a
bunch of

Unknown (01:06:03):
resources, amazing.
Okay, I'm excited. I'm gonnacheck out those resources too.
Thank you for having thisconversation with me. It's been
incredible.

Yeah, you're awesome. Thank you so much. It
was all right,

Unknown (01:06:14):
guys, we will see you next week. Thank you. If

something in today's episode spoke to you
deeply. You are ready for yournext level of awakening, and I
want to invite you to book asober glow up activation session
with me where we can rewriteyour alcohol story. Right now,
we'll remove the energeticblocks that are keeping you
stuck and stagnant to activatedand alive. To book a session and

(01:06:39):
to learn more, just follow thelink right here in the show
notes, or head on over to mywebsite. Mary Wagstaff coach.com
and find out what it means totruly live life from your most
authentic self. I will See youover there. You

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