July 17, 2025 • 19 mins
Ever wonder who you’d be without the wine?
In this personal and powerful episode, I reflect on how creating a sacred space for women—where we gather weekly over iced tea and flowers—revealed the essence of my own transformation. What started as a dream of women’s retreats manifested in a flower farm. And what I thought would be found through achievement, I discovered through simplicity, presence, and letting go of alcohol.
Midlife sobriety is more than just quitting drinking—it's a rite of passage we were never taught to honor. And when you pair it with the hormonal shifts of perimenopause and menopause, something magical happens: you reclaim your energy, your intuition, and your power.
We explore:
- What it really means to meet your future self
- Why letting go of outcomes opens the door to unexpected joy
- How sobriety teaches you to trust your desires more than your conditioning
- Using perimenopause as a sacred portal, not a problem to fix
- Replacing perfectionism with consistency and self-compassion
- Optimizing energy (not balance) as a woman in transition
- Tapping into your intuition as your ultimate guide
✨ The woman who confidently orders iced tea instead of wine?
She’s the wise one. The whole one. The next evolution of you.
🌿 Download the free Urge Guide at marywagstaffcoach.com
Five minutes a day is all it takes to begin transforming your relationship with alcohol—for good.
DISCLAIMER: This podcast and its contents are not a substitute for rehabilitation, medical treatment or advice. It is for educational and inspirational purposes. I am not a therapist or doctor. The views here are expressed a personal opinion and based on first hand experience. Please consult a doctor if your mental or physical health is at risk.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Welcome to Stop Drinking and Start Living the
Feminine Way.
I'm your hostess, mary Wagstaff, holistic Alcohol Coach and
Feminine Embodiment Guide, hereto help you effortlessly release
alcohol by reclaiming yourfeminine essence.
Sobriety isn't just aboutquitting drinking.
It's about removing thedistortions that keep you
(00:25):
disconnected, overwhelmed andstuck in cycles of numbing.
Each week I'll share powerfultools, new perspectives that
transform and deeply relatablestories to help you step into
the power, pleasure and purposethat it is to be a woman.
This is your next evolution ofawakened empowerment.
(00:46):
Welcome to the feminine way.
Welcome back to the show, mybeautiful listeners.
I'm so glad to be here.
I woke up this morning and I was, like, so excited to coach my
clients.
I not only in full disclosuredoes it, you know it kind of
(01:06):
gets me out of my own head ofthe drama of my own life, but
like it is such an honor to sitwith women and have a
conversation with them and ustogether to like, create the
best version of their liveswithout even changing the
circumstance circumstance justby changing their perspective
and unpack, like what alcoholreally represents, because it's
(01:32):
not just not drinking and ifyou've been listening for any
time, you know that, but therewas anyway.
I just wanted to share this.
There was just such a deep wellof gratitude for the
opportunity to do that, and Iwas talking to one of my clients
today about the law ofassumption and manifestation in
general and how um they you knowit said like to to detach.
(01:57):
You focus on the what and notthe how, but even the what might
come out differently than youexpected.
So, for example, um after Ihosted a retreat in Mexico last
year which some of you may befamiliar with, that um last
April, it was my firstinternational retreat I didn't I
wouldn't want to do more ofthem, I was like.
(02:19):
So it was the first time I mean, of course, I've been gathering
with women in person, but itwas the first time of like
really doing like my deepcoaching work.
I worked private, I did aprivate session with every
single person.
I did embodiment work and itwas this real, intensive,
intentional container for alonger period of time which you
(02:40):
know I still talk to these women18 months later and it's still
like these.
These moments have such a hugeimpact when we create an
intentional container and that'salso the power of coaching.
But anyway, when everyone left,I got back, or when they left
and I was staring out at theocean just like in awe of what
had just transpired, not evenrealizing I was even capable of
(03:01):
that.
And then the magic thateveryone created it wasn't just
me, you know, um.
But I thought, oh my gosh, Iwant to do this more.
I want this to be a regularpart of my life, and you know, I
love doing my online coachingwork, of course, and it's just
so such an awesome thing that weget to do this and I get to
(03:21):
connect with people all over theworld.
But bigger than just that, likeI know the importance of my own
life, and this is why I'moffering the monthly um sister
circle, which I will hope you'llcome first Thursday of the
month at 5 PM Pacific.
It is a commitment that I'mmaking for at least the next 12
months, so please join us.
There's a link to register inthe show notes or on my website.
(03:45):
But I know the impact ofgathering in person with women,
and so that dream seed wasplanted and I've, I've, I've.
You know, I teach yoga, I haveum facilitated women's circles
in person, so on and so forth.
But then we bought a farm andwe didn't plan on buying a farm
(04:06):
and I didn't even plan ongrowing flowers, although you
know, I think deep down thatidea has always been, you know,
very interesting to me.
I've always loved to makearrangements and I really love
the finer natural beauty thingsin life as a tourist and this is
like part of me walking thebeauty way, and so I was sharing
with this client.
I was like I didn't know thatthe opportunity to gather women
(04:30):
was going to come throughselling flowers.
So last week, so every Tuesday,and if you're in the area in
Oregon, stop by.
Or Washington, every Tuesday Ihave what's called ladies night
where I say ladies, drink freeand it's iced tea with purchase,
but you don't have to purchaseanything to come.
So on the farm, from five toseven, you can come and cut a
(04:52):
bud vase, a U-cut bud vase, or Ican make you an arrangement and
there's this opportunity togather with a beautiful view and
sit and sip on my favoritesummer beverage, which is an
Arnold Palmer.
And I just sent this out in myemail about how I make my Arnold
Palmers, which is different.
So they're not, they're prettymuch sugar-free Anyway.
(05:17):
And so last Tuesday, the firstTuesday of the month, I'm
hosting an, a optional women'scircle for just a half hour to
gather ground and then share.
And these women, hey, I wasjust like, of course they came,
because typically when I put aninvite out, people show up.
Um, but they, I w I wasexpecting some other women I had
talked to who were telling methey wanted to come, they wanted
to come to the sister show.
These were not anyone.
(05:38):
I knew.
It was no one.
I knew it was two differentcouple, different groups.
There was one friend of minebut I didn't know she was even
coming.
Two different couple, differentgroups.
There was one friend of minebut I didn't know she was even
coming and it wasintergenerational.
There was a beautiful pregnantmama and one woman that was like
two weeks postpartum and it washot and we had the mister on
and you know.
So my point of telling thisstory is that we don't always
(06:02):
know how things are going toturn out, but when we, when we
live into the vibration and andassume and get excited about the
moment of, of movement, right,with gratitude, with just plant,
I'm like I, of course I want tohave ladies night on the farm,
and I didn't even know I wasgoing to do that.
I knew it was going to dosomething, but then it just came
(06:22):
to me one morning and I waslike I'm doing it and it's been
very successful.
So you know, when I was talkingto my client, I'm like we don't
know how it's going to manifest.
So we have to detach from notonly the how, like buying a farm
and planting flowers to invitepeople over, even the what, even
(06:43):
the what in the way it's goingto look and how pleasantly
surprised can we be, right, likewow, what an opportunity.
And so taking this into sobriety, taking this into the next
phase of your life, becausethere's this moment of a rite of
(07:05):
passage that we never got.
So, when we combine our midlifeand sobriety or alcohol freedom
together, there is this powermoment of entering a portal
intentionally, because we knowand when, when I work with my
(07:26):
clients, I mean I'm unpackingstuff with them from from their
adolescence, from you know, the,the conditioning that we have
from childhood, from our parents, from the overachieving, from
the proving, from the not beingable to and needing some sort of
(07:47):
external permission to do thatso but you get to decide on the
vision of what you want yoursober life to look like.
Who is that version of yourself.
And in this email that I wrotetoday, I talked about the woman
who drinks iced tea.
Right, like, if you just thinkabout the woman who's out and
(08:08):
she orders an iced tea and she'sout in the sun on a patio
having like a you know alfrescodining or whatever, like, how do
you think about her?
Because I remember, I rememberand this is like six years plus
late, you know, since then, Iremember the first time going
out to this exact same scenarioand ordering an iced tea and
(08:29):
being like look at her girl,like, look at you, like it was
like so simple but so innocent,it felt classy, it felt like I
was nurturing myself, I wascaring for myself.
And what I really want toinvite in is this idea of
optimizing your efforts.
(08:50):
Right, you only have so muchenergy, but you still want to
ball like.
You want to ball it out.
Right, like you are, you'rewanting to create, to achieve,
to set your goals, to have thehome that you want, to have the
relationships that you want.
But it's not.
It's not what you're doing,it's how you're doing it, and I
(09:11):
talked about this on an episodebefore, about overwhelm at or
you know, like the talked aboutthis on an episode before about
overwhelm or you know, like thehustle right, and so we can take
that step back.
We can take a step back tobreathe, to decide what is this
(09:32):
sacred pause moment for?
And that's really what thecontainer of one-on-one coaching
provides, where we'reintentionally working on
something because our lives,they move.
That's like the speed of light,especially with the information
age, and I know for myself I'mguilty of it as well.
We went from, you know, sellingour house to living on the road
to remodel or to remodeling acamper, to moving eight times to
(09:52):
living in.
You know, rentals to buying afarm it's like, and now I'm it's
on in.
You know, rentals to buying afarm it's like, and now I'm it's
on vacation.
You know, now it's summer breakand it's like, whoa,
something's got to give.
I got to take a step back tolook at the Vista, to stop and
look at the Vista and justintentionally, I don't want to
change anything, right, maybethere's something that I can
(10:13):
take off my plate, but maybeit's just taking a step back and
really looking at my thoughts.
Right, maybe there's somethingthat I can take off my plate,
but maybe it's just taking astep back and really looking at
my thoughts, right, becausethere's been some conflict in my
house with my partner, like wedecided to go and do this farm
together and there's ways that Iwant to run a business and
there's ways that he wants tolive his life that aren't in
alignment, and it's created someconflict.
(10:33):
And I think I'm I'm kind of atthis tipping point for myself
where I don't have the capacitythat I have really tapped into
in sobriety.
And this is what's so powerfulabout alcohol freedom is that
you're learning all of theskills that you've always needed
that apply to everything else,and so when you get good at
(10:56):
living the circumstances of yourlife, alcohol becomes a moot
point.
You just don't need it anymore,right?
So more and more and there's alot of self-awareness I don't
have.
I do recognize things, I amwilling to take personal
responsibility, and you knowI've been talking about
perimenopause and menopause andthis, this change in our new
hormonal normal, and why we doneed to optimize our efforts and
(11:20):
output, because we can't findyou can't necessarily find
hormonal balance.
You have to work with what'sthere.
I mean, if you look at, even ina menstruation cycle, it's a,
it's an arc right, there's awaxing and then a waning, like
it's there, there isn't balance.
So the balance has to come fromoptimization of where.
(11:42):
Where am I at?
I heard this really um awesomething from Brene Brown one time
and she was talking about beinga family led family, instead of
a parent led family or a kid ledfamily.
It's a family led family.
And how her and her husband tagteam by just saying like I got,
I got 20%, do you got?
Do you have the 80, the other80?
(12:02):
And just being like yeah, I gotthat or like, no, we both only
have 20.
Okay, what are we going to do,right?
So, knowing where that is andnot making it a problem and not
putting yourself up to theseexpectations of anyone else,
especially your past self,especially, maybe, what was
easeful.
But what I want you to know nowis that there's so many things
(12:27):
that you're better at now, right, that you have the awareness,
that you have the intuition, youhave the wisdom, because there
is a part of you, a self-conceptof you, underneath alcohol
that's 100% got it like in theimbalance, in the figuring it
out Right, and what I want youto do is to let her lead.
(12:52):
I want to let my iced teadrinking self in early sobriety,
for some reason that stands outto me.
I, because I always drink, Idrink at lunch.
I drink I mean I probably drinkat breakfast, like I drink all
the time, like if I was goingout to lunch, if I was going out
to a meal and there was alcoholI was drinking, I wasn't not
drinking if it was like pastcoffee time.
So my iced tea self, she wasclassy, she was relaxed, she was
(13:22):
, she had energy, she, you know,but clear energy, and maybe
sometimes she wanted to throwher iced tea across the room.
You know, I don't know, but butthere was just something about
that moment that felt likeinnocent but mature.
It was just a very matureversion of myself and there is a
(13:43):
part of you that already leadsthat way, whether it's through
your work or your mothering,your attending or your
caretaking that you get to lether lead the conversation now
from a place of compassion, andit's not like shutting down this
other part of you, but it'sjust recognizing those
objections to say is this true,is this true for me anymore?
(14:03):
And what do I have to bewilling to believe to let it go?
And what do I have to bewilling to feel, to let it go,
and the reason that so manypeople stop and start drinking,
and that's okay too.
But you want a process ofevaluation, you want a process
of going back to see what weremy thoughts.
(14:26):
I did that today with someonewhere it was like okay, what
were your thoughts?
And were they true?
They were thoughts that shebrought into a situation with
her from a past version ofherself and now she knows for
the next time those thoughtsaren't even true, they're not
going to like, stoop her againanymore, and you know they're.
With a little bit moreexamination and it gets to
(14:47):
actually be very simple.
But it does take consistency,and what we, what we think and
the reason we have shiny objectsyndrome is in no patients is
because we're like, oh, it's toohard, I'm going to hop over to
this thing.
This is going to be easier,like everyone wants a quick fix,
but it gets easier the longeryou stay the course, the longer
(15:08):
you stay in in the practice ofwhat you're doing, and so you
have to be able to hold a newperspective for long enough.
And that's what the one-on-onecoaching container really allows
you to do, cause you didn't gethere overnight right Like we're
unpacking stuff from like earlychildhood, from like in utero,
and this isn't about relivingchildhood wounds or anything
like that, but everything you doand the reason you drink.
(15:31):
You didn't create those beliefsyesterday.
They've been deeply ingrainedand that's why when people get
triggered or maybe you know atraumatic event or something
happens in life that theyweren't experiencing maybe
during their sobriety they willgo back to drinking is because
those grooves can be so wellworn that, even though it's not
(15:54):
good and it's not like the, it'sto your detriment, that comfort
is good, to your detriment.
So you can.
I find myself falling back intosafety mindsets a hundred
percent, where it's easier forme to think less of myself or to
(16:15):
kind of compare myself and andhow, what other people think,
especially my partner, of myworth, of my value in his life,
than just to decide for myself.
Right, like I can fall backinto that pattern and I think
that that somehow gives me aneasy out or it takes the
attention off of my own growth.
(16:37):
Right, probably some stuff tounpack there.
But I can see it, I can see thepattern and that's what we have
to be.
We have to be willing to dothat.
We have to be able to slow downa long enough to examine and
and think about everythingyou're going to find out.
You know alcohol has kind ofhad its time and it's it was.
Like I always say, taking yourlast sip isn't the first step.
(16:59):
So the women I work with arewomen that know they do not want
a future where alcohol is isleading the conversation.
They're not sure how they'regoing to get there or why, but
they can feel it deep in theirbones that alcohol is is in the
way of the next version, of thenext phase of their, of their
life, and it's just an old storythat they're ready to move
(17:19):
beyond, because there is a lotunderneath it, a lot of who you
want to be in the world, how youwant to lead the version of you
, the self-concept that you wantto relate to, and then create
an even new self-concept to gobeyond your limiting beliefs and
create the wildest life, right,like, oh my gosh, like this
flower farm.
(17:39):
It's kind of crazy when I thinkabout it.
I'm like, oh, I'm a flower farm, I'm actually selling flowers
to make money.
It's wild and getting to bringwomen together and getting to
help women change theirrelationship to alcohol.
So what I would love for you todo is sign up in the link in
the show notes for a private,free consultation, and I'd love
to hear where you're at andwhere you want to go.
(17:59):
And what I can do in thosemoments is really point out the
place where you're getting stuckand to help you see into the
next phase, like the belief thatis going to that you already
have.
That's going to get you towhere you want to go, and it's
always just fear dictating us,not wanting to change, and the
truth is is that fear is ahypothetical situation.
(18:24):
Fear isn't true, and that's whyI started this conversation
talking about that.
We don't know right.
We, we and we want to live intothe best version.
So you get to create the icedtea version of yourself for
sobriety.
Whatever that is for you, youguys are awesome.
I'll talk to you soon.
The days of white knucklingyour way through an urge are
(18:46):
over.
No more distracting yourself,no more avoiding alcohol, no
more resisting, and I am notexaggerating when I say that
doing this one thing for fiveminutes will change not only how
successful you are in drinkingless, but how much you will love
your alcohol-free life.
You are going to feel so good.
So come on over to my website,or follow the link right here in
(19:10):
the show notes to grab the freeurge guide that gives you the
exact cheat codes to use to findrelief without a drink.
And the best part is nodeprivation, no missing out
required.
I'll see you overmarywagstaffcoachcom.
Welcome to Stop Drinking and Start Living the
Feminine Way.
I'm your hostess, mary Wagstaff, holistic Alcohol Coach and
Feminine Embodiment Guide, hereto help you effortlessly release
alcohol by reclaiming yourfeminine essence.
Sobriety isn't just aboutquitting drinking.
It's about removing thedistortions that keep you
(00:25):
disconnected, overwhelmed andstuck in cycles of numbing.
Each week I'll share powerfultools, new perspectives that
transform and deeply relatablestories to help you step into
the power, pleasure and purposethat it is to be a woman.
This is your next evolution ofawakened empowerment.
(00:46):
Welcome to the feminine way.
Welcome back to the show, mybeautiful listeners.
I'm so glad to be here.
I woke up this morning and I was, like, so excited to coach my
clients.
I not only in full disclosuredoes it, you know it kind of
(01:06):
gets me out of my own head ofthe drama of my own life, but
like it is such an honor to sitwith women and have a
conversation with them and ustogether to like, create the
best version of their liveswithout even changing the
circumstance circumstance justby changing their perspective
and unpack, like what alcoholreally represents, because it's
(01:32):
not just not drinking and ifyou've been listening for any
time, you know that, but therewas anyway.
I just wanted to share this.
There was just such a deep wellof gratitude for the
opportunity to do that, and Iwas talking to one of my clients
today about the law ofassumption and manifestation in
general and how um they you knowit said like to to detach.
(01:57):
You focus on the what and notthe how, but even the what might
come out differently than youexpected.
So, for example, um after Ihosted a retreat in Mexico last
year which some of you may befamiliar with, that um last
April, it was my firstinternational retreat I didn't I
wouldn't want to do more ofthem, I was like.
(02:19):
So it was the first time I mean, of course, I've been gathering
with women in person, but itwas the first time of like
really doing like my deepcoaching work.
I worked private, I did aprivate session with every
single person.
I did embodiment work and itwas this real, intensive,
intentional container for alonger period of time which you
(02:40):
know I still talk to these women18 months later and it's still
like these.
These moments have such a hugeimpact when we create an
intentional container and that'salso the power of coaching.
But anyway, when everyone left,I got back, or when they left
and I was staring out at theocean just like in awe of what
had just transpired, not evenrealizing I was even capable of
(03:01):
that.
And then the magic thateveryone created it wasn't just
me, you know, um.
But I thought, oh my gosh, Iwant to do this more.
I want this to be a regularpart of my life, and you know, I
love doing my online coachingwork, of course, and it's just
so such an awesome thing that weget to do this and I get to
(03:21):
connect with people all over theworld.
But bigger than just that, likeI know the importance of my own
life, and this is why I'moffering the monthly um sister
circle, which I will hope you'llcome first Thursday of the
month at 5 PM Pacific.
It is a commitment that I'mmaking for at least the next 12
months, so please join us.
There's a link to register inthe show notes or on my website.
(03:45):
But I know the impact ofgathering in person with women,
and so that dream seed wasplanted and I've, I've, I've.
You know, I teach yoga, I haveum facilitated women's circles
in person, so on and so forth.
But then we bought a farm andwe didn't plan on buying a farm
(04:06):
and I didn't even plan ongrowing flowers, although you
know, I think deep down thatidea has always been, you know,
very interesting to me.
I've always loved to makearrangements and I really love
the finer natural beauty thingsin life as a tourist and this is
like part of me walking thebeauty way, and so I was sharing
with this client.
I was like I didn't know thatthe opportunity to gather women
(04:30):
was going to come throughselling flowers.
So last week, so every Tuesday,and if you're in the area in
Oregon, stop by.
Or Washington, every Tuesday Ihave what's called ladies night
where I say ladies, drink freeand it's iced tea with purchase,
but you don't have to purchaseanything to come.
So on the farm, from five toseven, you can come and cut a
(04:52):
bud vase, a U-cut bud vase, or Ican make you an arrangement and
there's this opportunity togather with a beautiful view and
sit and sip on my favoritesummer beverage, which is an
Arnold Palmer.
And I just sent this out in myemail about how I make my Arnold
Palmers, which is different.
So they're not, they're prettymuch sugar-free Anyway.
(05:17):
And so last Tuesday, the firstTuesday of the month, I'm
hosting an, a optional women'scircle for just a half hour to
gather ground and then share.
And these women, hey, I wasjust like, of course they came,
because typically when I put aninvite out, people show up.
Um, but they, I w I wasexpecting some other women I had
talked to who were telling methey wanted to come, they wanted
to come to the sister show.
These were not anyone.
(05:38):
I knew.
It was no one.
I knew it was two differentcouple, different groups.
There was one friend of minebut I didn't know she was even
coming.
Two different couple, differentgroups.
There was one friend of minebut I didn't know she was even
coming and it wasintergenerational.
There was a beautiful pregnantmama and one woman that was like
two weeks postpartum and it washot and we had the mister on
and you know.
So my point of telling thisstory is that we don't always
(06:02):
know how things are going toturn out, but when we, when we
live into the vibration and andassume and get excited about the
moment of, of movement, right,with gratitude, with just plant,
I'm like I, of course I want tohave ladies night on the farm,
and I didn't even know I wasgoing to do that.
I knew it was going to dosomething, but then it just came
(06:22):
to me one morning and I waslike I'm doing it and it's been
very successful.
So you know, when I was talkingto my client, I'm like we don't
know how it's going to manifest.
So we have to detach from notonly the how, like buying a farm
and planting flowers to invitepeople over, even the what, even
(06:43):
the what in the way it's goingto look and how pleasantly
surprised can we be, right, likewow, what an opportunity.
And so taking this into sobriety, taking this into the next
phase of your life, becausethere's this moment of a rite of
(07:05):
passage that we never got.
So, when we combine our midlifeand sobriety or alcohol freedom
together, there is this powermoment of entering a portal
intentionally, because we knowand when, when I work with my
(07:26):
clients, I mean I'm unpackingstuff with them from from their
adolescence, from you know, the,the conditioning that we have
from childhood, from our parents, from the overachieving, from
the proving, from the not beingable to and needing some sort of
(07:47):
external permission to do thatso but you get to decide on the
vision of what you want yoursober life to look like.
Who is that version of yourself.
And in this email that I wrotetoday, I talked about the woman
who drinks iced tea.
Right, like, if you just thinkabout the woman who's out and
(08:08):
she orders an iced tea and she'sout in the sun on a patio
having like a you know alfrescodining or whatever, like, how do
you think about her?
Because I remember, I rememberand this is like six years plus
late, you know, since then, Iremember the first time going
out to this exact same scenarioand ordering an iced tea and
(08:29):
being like look at her girl,like, look at you, like it was
like so simple but so innocent,it felt classy, it felt like I
was nurturing myself, I wascaring for myself.
And what I really want toinvite in is this idea of
optimizing your efforts.
(08:50):
Right, you only have so muchenergy, but you still want to
ball like.
You want to ball it out.
Right, like you are, you'rewanting to create, to achieve,
to set your goals, to have thehome that you want, to have the
relationships that you want.
But it's not.
It's not what you're doing,it's how you're doing it, and I
(09:11):
talked about this on an episodebefore, about overwhelm at or
you know, like the talked aboutthis on an episode before about
overwhelm or you know, like thehustle right, and so we can take
that step back.
We can take a step back tobreathe, to decide what is this
(09:32):
sacred pause moment for?
And that's really what thecontainer of one-on-one coaching
provides, where we'reintentionally working on
something because our lives,they move.
That's like the speed of light,especially with the information
age, and I know for myself I'mguilty of it as well.
We went from, you know, sellingour house to living on the road
to remodel or to remodeling acamper, to moving eight times to
(09:52):
living in.
You know, rentals to buying afarm it's like, and now I'm it's
on in.
You know, rentals to buying afarm it's like, and now I'm it's
on vacation.
You know, now it's summer breakand it's like, whoa,
something's got to give.
I got to take a step back tolook at the Vista, to stop and
look at the Vista and justintentionally, I don't want to
change anything, right, maybethere's something that I can
(10:13):
take off my plate, but maybeit's just taking a step back and
really looking at my thoughts.
Right, maybe there's somethingthat I can take off my plate,
but maybe it's just taking astep back and really looking at
my thoughts, right, becausethere's been some conflict in my
house with my partner, like wedecided to go and do this farm
together and there's ways that Iwant to run a business and
there's ways that he wants tolive his life that aren't in
alignment, and it's created someconflict.
(10:33):
And I think I'm I'm kind of atthis tipping point for myself
where I don't have the capacitythat I have really tapped into
in sobriety.
And this is what's so powerfulabout alcohol freedom is that
you're learning all of theskills that you've always needed
that apply to everything else,and so when you get good at
(10:56):
living the circumstances of yourlife, alcohol becomes a moot
point.
You just don't need it anymore,right?
So more and more and there's alot of self-awareness I don't
have.
I do recognize things, I amwilling to take personal
responsibility, and you knowI've been talking about
perimenopause and menopause andthis, this change in our new
hormonal normal, and why we doneed to optimize our efforts and
(11:20):
output, because we can't findyou can't necessarily find
hormonal balance.
You have to work with what'sthere.
I mean, if you look at, even ina menstruation cycle, it's a,
it's an arc right, there's awaxing and then a waning, like
it's there, there isn't balance.
So the balance has to come fromoptimization of where.
(11:42):
Where am I at?
I heard this really um awesomething from Brene Brown one time
and she was talking about beinga family led family, instead of
a parent led family or a kid ledfamily.
It's a family led family.
And how her and her husband tagteam by just saying like I got,
I got 20%, do you got?
Do you have the 80, the other80?
(12:02):
And just being like yeah, I gotthat or like, no, we both only
have 20.
Okay, what are we going to do,right?
So, knowing where that is andnot making it a problem and not
putting yourself up to theseexpectations of anyone else,
especially your past self,especially, maybe, what was
easeful.
But what I want you to know nowis that there's so many things
(12:27):
that you're better at now, right, that you have the awareness,
that you have the intuition, youhave the wisdom, because there
is a part of you, a self-conceptof you, underneath alcohol
that's 100% got it like in theimbalance, in the figuring it
out Right, and what I want youto do is to let her lead.
(12:52):
I want to let my iced teadrinking self in early sobriety,
for some reason that stands outto me.
I, because I always drink, Idrink at lunch.
I drink I mean I probably drinkat breakfast, like I drink all
the time, like if I was goingout to lunch, if I was going out
to a meal and there was alcoholI was drinking, I wasn't not
drinking if it was like pastcoffee time.
So my iced tea self, she wasclassy, she was relaxed, she was
(13:22):
, she had energy, she, you know,but clear energy, and maybe
sometimes she wanted to throwher iced tea across the room.
You know, I don't know, but butthere was just something about
that moment that felt likeinnocent but mature.
It was just a very matureversion of myself and there is a
(13:43):
part of you that already leadsthat way, whether it's through
your work or your mothering,your attending or your
caretaking that you get to lether lead the conversation now
from a place of compassion, andit's not like shutting down this
other part of you, but it'sjust recognizing those
objections to say is this true,is this true for me anymore?
(14:03):
And what do I have to bewilling to believe to let it go?
And what do I have to bewilling to feel, to let it go,
and the reason that so manypeople stop and start drinking,
and that's okay too.
But you want a process ofevaluation, you want a process
of going back to see what weremy thoughts.
(14:26):
I did that today with someonewhere it was like okay, what
were your thoughts?
And were they true?
They were thoughts that shebrought into a situation with
her from a past version ofherself and now she knows for
the next time those thoughtsaren't even true, they're not
going to like, stoop her againanymore, and you know they're.
With a little bit moreexamination and it gets to
(14:47):
actually be very simple.
But it does take consistency,and what we, what we think and
the reason we have shiny objectsyndrome is in no patients is
because we're like, oh, it's toohard, I'm going to hop over to
this thing.
This is going to be easier,like everyone wants a quick fix,
but it gets easier the longeryou stay the course, the longer
(15:08):
you stay in in the practice ofwhat you're doing, and so you
have to be able to hold a newperspective for long enough.
And that's what the one-on-onecoaching container really allows
you to do, cause you didn't gethere overnight right Like we're
unpacking stuff from like earlychildhood, from like in utero,
and this isn't about relivingchildhood wounds or anything
like that, but everything you doand the reason you drink.
(15:31):
You didn't create those beliefsyesterday.
They've been deeply ingrainedand that's why when people get
triggered or maybe you know atraumatic event or something
happens in life that theyweren't experiencing maybe
during their sobriety they willgo back to drinking is because
those grooves can be so wellworn that, even though it's not
(15:54):
good and it's not like the, it'sto your detriment, that comfort
is good, to your detriment.
So you can.
I find myself falling back intosafety mindsets a hundred
percent, where it's easier forme to think less of myself or to
(16:15):
kind of compare myself and andhow, what other people think,
especially my partner, of myworth, of my value in his life,
than just to decide for myself.
Right, like I can fall backinto that pattern and I think
that that somehow gives me aneasy out or it takes the
attention off of my own growth.
(16:37):
Right, probably some stuff tounpack there.
But I can see it, I can see thepattern and that's what we have
to be.
We have to be willing to dothat.
We have to be able to slow downa long enough to examine and
and think about everythingyou're going to find out.
You know alcohol has kind ofhad its time and it's it was.
Like I always say, taking yourlast sip isn't the first step.
(16:59):
So the women I work with arewomen that know they do not want
a future where alcohol is isleading the conversation.
They're not sure how they'regoing to get there or why, but
they can feel it deep in theirbones that alcohol is is in the
way of the next version, of thenext phase of their, of their
life, and it's just an old storythat they're ready to move
(17:19):
beyond, because there is a lotunderneath it, a lot of who you
want to be in the world, how youwant to lead the version of you
, the self-concept that you wantto relate to, and then create
an even new self-concept to gobeyond your limiting beliefs and
create the wildest life, right,like, oh my gosh, like this
flower farm.
(17:39):
It's kind of crazy when I thinkabout it.
I'm like, oh, I'm a flower farm, I'm actually selling flowers
to make money.
It's wild and getting to bringwomen together and getting to
help women change theirrelationship to alcohol.
So what I would love for you todo is sign up in the link in
the show notes for a private,free consultation, and I'd love
to hear where you're at andwhere you want to go.
(17:59):
And what I can do in thosemoments is really point out the
place where you're getting stuckand to help you see into the
next phase, like the belief thatis going to that you already
have.
That's going to get you towhere you want to go, and it's
always just fear dictating us,not wanting to change, and the
truth is is that fear is ahypothetical situation.
(18:24):
Fear isn't true, and that's whyI started this conversation
talking about that.
We don't know right.
We, we and we want to live intothe best version.
So you get to create the icedtea version of yourself for
sobriety.
Whatever that is for you, youguys are awesome.
I'll talk to you soon.
The days of white knucklingyour way through an urge are
(18:46):
over.
No more distracting yourself,no more avoiding alcohol, no
more resisting, and I am notexaggerating when I say that
doing this one thing for fiveminutes will change not only how
successful you are in drinkingless, but how much you will love
your alcohol-free life.
You are going to feel so good.
So come on over to my website,or follow the link right here in
(19:10):
the show notes to grab the freeurge guide that gives you the
exact cheat codes to use to findrelief without a drink.
And the best part is nodeprivation, no missing out
required.
I'll see you overmarywagstaffcoachcom.
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