May 21, 2025 • 25 mins
If you’ve ever thought, “Is this as good as it gets?” or “I don’t want to keep doing this,” this episode is for you.
I invite you to consider a radical new idea: What if your rock bottom doesn’t have to be dramatic, destructive, or public? What if it’s just a quiet whisper—telling you that you’re meant for more? This episode explores the hidden beliefs and subconscious fears that keep us stuck in drinking patterns, even when our lives look “fine” from the outside. We unpack why alcohol feels so hard to let go of, the societal conditioning around what it means to have a "problem," and why making this shift is more about self-honoring than self-discipline.
Whether you're waking up foggy, skipping your morning intentions, or just feel out of alignment with the woman you know you could be—this episode is your loving nudge that it’s okay to want more. You don’t need to crash to rise.
What We Cover:
- The subconscious fear of what quitting might “mean” about you
- Why the label “alcoholic” keeps many women stuck in secrecy
- How cultural narratives and inner child wounds fuel the habit
- Why “not bad enough” is the biggest trap
- The biology of change—why alcohol affects us differently as we age
- How honoring the whisper is more powerful than waiting for a crash
- Why your desire for more is enough
- Real examples of women from all walks of life outgrowing alcohol
- What happens when we show up in integrity—with energy, clarity, and courage
- The transformational power of private coaching & sacred support
🌀 Free Private Coaching Consultation – Explore your own whisper in a confidential, zero-pressure call. Book now via the link in the show notes.
Remember is a monthly live women’s circle held close to the full moon in honor of our fullest expression and wholeness. Hosted live on zoom the first Thursday of each month at 5pm PST. It's completely free and yes, you belong. Register Here for the link to join.
DISCLAIMER: This podcast and its contents are not a substitute for rehabilitation, medical treatment or advice. It is for educational and inspirational purposes. I am not a therapist or doctor. The views here are expressed a personal opinion and based on first hand experience. Please consult a doctor if your mental or physical health is at risk.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Mary Wagstaff (00:02):
Music. Welcome to stop drinking and start living
the feminine way. I'm yourhostess. Mary Wagstaff, holistic
alcohol coach and feminineembodiment guide here to help
you effortlessly release alcoholby reclaiming your feminine
essence. Sobriety isn't justabout quitting drinking, it's
about removing the distortionsthat keep you disconnected,
(00:26):
overwhelmed and stuck in cyclesof numbing. Each week, I'll
share powerful tools, newperspectives that transform and
deeply relatable stories to helpyou step into the power pleasure
and purpose that it is to be awoman. This is your next
evolution of awakenedempowerment. Welcome to the
(00:47):
feminine way. My beautifullisteners, today's episode is a
really important one. It dives alittle bit deeper into kind of
the subconscious patterning ofwhat keeps us stuck when it
comes to quitting drinking, whyit's really hard to quit
drinking, and the biggestquestion that this concept
(01:07):
answers is the question that Idive into right away with my
private clients, is, what am Imaking it mean about me? What am
I making it mean if I quit?
Because so much of the time wewant to be accepted, we and
acceptance in our social groupis create safety, and until we
start to unpack it, we kind ofstay stuck in our inner child.
We stay stuck in the part of us.
(01:30):
And we always, you know,community is one of our basic
needs. So we do want to beaccepted, but at the same time,
we also want to be able to be inour office, accepted in our
authentic expression, and whenwe get to unpack it, and we step
into a place of empowerment andquit when we're up, like we
talked about on last week'sepisode, we stop looking as much
(01:52):
for that external validation,and we can really step into the
personal responsibility of beinga grown, mature adult, right?
But a lot of times, we're makingthe decisions from a place of
kind of a wounded inner child, aplace of us that still really
seeks external approval, andthis when we put the the kind of
(02:17):
conditioned perspective of ofwhat we've been meant to
believe, made to believe aboutwhat you know it means to be an
alcoholic or an addict. We haveit triggers a certain perception
in our mind, and there may evenbe someone that you know in your
life that you had associatedwith alcohol, like an alcoholic,
(02:42):
or someone that was in recovery,or, you know, this kind of more
of maybe a stereotypicalversion, or someone that just
had a real rock bottom momentthat was very detrimental. They
could have been abusive. Theycould have lost their life. They
could have done many, manythings, and you don't want to be
(03:07):
associated with that, or youhave been in that place in
yourself. You have been in arock bottom moment, but you
don't want to admit that you'rethat too, right? And so what we
know about addiction and what weknow about alcohol now, what
we've come to identify is thatthere is a use they there is a
(03:30):
spectrum of use and dependency.
And fortunately, that is thelike the CDC doesn't the term
alcoholic. They use the termalcohol use disorder. Now, I
still believe that even the CDCdoesn't identify the cultural
beliefs and narrative that isreally, a big part of the puzzle
(03:59):
when it comes to use. And thisisn't just around alcohol, but
it is about the mindset that onewho is using alcohol on a
regular basis with frequency andduration and creating results
(04:20):
that are not desirable for theiroutcome. But this is what this
episode is all about. Becausefor so many women who are in my
sphere, for so many women whoare kind of transitioning into a
new phase of their life. AndI've worked with women who have
(04:42):
had DUIs, who have had really,you know, it's compromised,
their relationships, theirmarriages, they've been to
rehab. There has been aspectrum, right? And I've also
worked with mothers who aregoing to bed. A tipsy every
night and not being reallypresent with their children, or
mothers who are going through adivorce, who want to be fully
(05:05):
present and do it from anempowered place. And you know,
maybe drinking wasn't, quote,unquote problematic, but they
knew it was taking away fromtheir their next level self,
from their empowerment, from theplace that they wanted to be, a
fully honoring, whatever kind oftransitional phase they were in,
(05:28):
or they're coming intoretirement, or they're very
concerned about their health,and they're super health
conscious, but then they keepdoing this thing that you know,
maybe they're not even sickevery day, but they know that
it's creating inflammation. Theyknow that it's not they're not
getting as good enough sleep asthey can. They're a little bit
foggy in the morning. They'renot getting up with the sunrise
like they want to every day, ordoing their creative pursuits
(05:54):
that they've dedicatedthemselves to so honoring that
little whisper that is thereinstead of waiting for the
crash, because what I also knowhappens with continued use and
aging, especially intoperimenopause and post
(06:14):
menopausal years, is that youcan't always rely on the impact
of alcohol. Most women that Iwork with tell me that the same
amount of alcohol, or even lessis having a bigger impact on
them, and say they've been ableto drink a bottle of wine in the
(06:36):
past. Sometimes they say twoglasses of wine, and they're
they're starting to get kind ofhazy. They're starting to, you
know, I wouldn't saynecessarily, black out, but not
remembering things in the waythey want to, and it's very
upsetting to them. And I don'tknow what the the science behind
all of this is, but I do believea there's a cumulative effect,
(06:56):
right, with the with the alcoholin our system, but also it's
creating an imbalance in all ofthe other systems of the body
that are looking to findbalance, that are looking to
find homeostasis, when yourhormones are shifting and you're
going through a huge transitionin your life, and then when
(07:18):
you're on the other side, soSay, if you are on the other
side of menopause, you're stillsettling into a new way of
being. It's such a huge, huge,huge shift in our lives that we
need to honor and recognize andlearn how to be with ourselves
in a new way. Right? Youso what if your rock bottom is
(07:49):
just a whisper? How do we usethat now before something comes
crashing down and this momentdoesn't have to be about rock
bottom, but it can be aboutoutgrowing alcohol. It can be
about honoring this next phasethat you're into your life.
(08:13):
We're taught that it has to bemessy, dramatic, this public
display of something happening.
Now, if that has happened,that's also okay. And like I
said, there's a spectrum. Butfor so many women contemplating
their sober, curious journey,and many, many women that I have
worked with are just hearingthat whisper that there's more,
(08:37):
there's something different.
They don't want to have thisconversation anymore. They don't
want to keep being in the sameplace again and again and again,
even though maybe no one elseknows right. Mean, in my life,
besides the people that I hungout with that were also
drinking, no one would haveknown the conversation I was
having in my own head that I wasfelt like I was breaking my own
(08:59):
heart every day. And that's why,when we compare ourselves and we
see, oh, Sally can just have onedrink when she's out, well, you
have no clue what Sally wasdrinking before, what she's
drinking after, and what she'sdrinking when you're not around,
and how she even feels aboutthat one drink, we just don't
(09:19):
know. So we can't assumeanything. Because what I know is
that there are many, many peoplethat will moderate their
drinking in public becausethey're drinking at home, right?
Or they're drinking after thefact. They are hiding it because
of their thoughts about theirthe perception. It's the whisper
(09:40):
that says I just don't want todo this anymore. And if you've
been waiting for a big enoughreason to make this change, I
want you to know that that isenough. It, it. Doesn't have to
be more than just that, thanyour own desire to know that
(10:04):
there is something more for you.
So most people are highfunctioning, but disconnected,
disconnected from who. Who areyou at this stage in your life,
right? It's kind of like lifehappens, things change, and then
(10:26):
you're like, Okay, now what? Whoam I at this phase in my life as
the grown woman that I am, withall the wisdom I have, all the
intuition, all the educationthat you've gained over the
years, you have the job, youhave the kids, you have the
life, right? You're making itall work, but there's a gap
between how things look on theoutside and how you feel on the
(10:48):
inside, and so there's that kindof bargaining and that, those
objections, saying I don't drinkthat much, or I don't drink as
much as this person. I've got itunder control. It's not that big
of a deal, right? And you butthen there's the flip side to it
too, where you're thinking, if Icould only drink as much as
(11:12):
Sally, right? Comparingyourself. But then the same
cycle repeats again and againand again. When you wake up at
3am you're not showing up foryourself, and you're asking
yourself the question, is thisas good as it gets, the
conditioning of what it means tohave a quote, unquote problem
(11:33):
with alcohol is something thatwe have to unpack, because The
problem is, the only problemthat you need is you're not
getting the results that youwant in your life, right? There
needs to be no one else thatgives you permission. There
needs to be nothing bigger orsmaller than the results of
(11:54):
drinking are no longer desirablefor me, right? And it doesn't
matter if you're having one or20, it's about how you're
showing up for yourself this wayof being in the same cycle, the
same habit of celebrating, ofdecompressing, of socializing.
(12:18):
It's representing the same selfconcept, where you never get to
step into a new version ofyourself, where you're always
kind of stuck in trying torecreate the past. And that's
what alcohol does. It's tryingto recreate some past version of
ourself that you can't ever beyou need to call all parts of
(12:38):
you to the present moment,right? And this is probably
reinforced by the people thatyou spend your time with. So you
have to start listening toyourself, and you have to start
honoring yourself. You have tostart thinking of yourself from
outside of yourself. If you hada child that came to you, if you
had one of your best friendscome to you that said, hey, you
(13:01):
know this thing has been goingon, and it could be in a
relationship, any relationship.
It's not that bad, but I justit's just bothering me, right?
What would you say to thatperson? They can change. You can
create something different. Youcan take a different action. You
can make a new decision. Youdon't need a crisis to change.
(13:25):
You don't need permission tochange. You don't need a
headline moment or a rock bottomstory, right? You just need to
start listening to yourself,because your inner knowing is
what's going to take you throughto the other side, and we have
to amplify that voice so it'sthose quiet moments, right? When
(13:46):
your body feels heavy and youdon't want to look at yourself
in the mirror, when you have adrink, even though you don't
even really want one, but you'renot really sure what else to do,
right? That's your rock bottommoment, because you're not
honoring your self, you're nothonoring the integrity of the
(14:09):
voice inside of you, and you'renot honoring your values. That
sacred whisper is what you needto listen to, and it's your
invitation to do somethingradically different before
something potentially couldhappen. And it's just that the
more with more frequency andduration, the deeper those
(14:30):
grooves get of the habit, themore the body becomes
conditioned to this behavior.
And while you're transitioningand potentially into a new phase
of your life, because this iswhen a lot of people come to me,
when their children are gettingolder, when their children are
leaving, maybe when they get adivorce, maybe when they're
(14:52):
getting a new job or retiring,or they're ready for the next
big thing, right? Say that thereis this voice that says, this is
the thing that's gotta go.
They're go getting intomenopause, or they're, they're
know, they're entering thatphase. This thing has to go. So
we have to tell the truth. Andthis is one of the first classes
(15:15):
inside of my program is reallyconfronting your alcohol story
from a place of honoring thetruth of who you are, right and
when you're witnessed in thatway, you will stop waiting for
permission, and that you canfinally let out a deep,
cathartic exhale being witnessedin your truth finally gives you
(15:40):
permission to start to seethings in a new way. And that's
when you're saying this isenough, when you finally say it
out loud. And this isn'tdeclaring anything you know, any
titles, any labels, anythingit's just saying. This isn't
working for me. The alcohol isdimming my intuition, my energy,
(16:02):
and that's all I need, right?
And it's not in alignment withwho I am, with the ways that I
want to show up. It's completelycontradicting your values. We
create a life intention, andevery single time, the life
intention and alcohol are justnot in alignment, right? It
(16:25):
makes you tolerate and avoid andexcuse things that you normally
wouldn't, and that's somethingthat you also don't want to live
with, right? And so you have tocreate a new standard for
yourself that this is rockbottom enough for me not living
in integrity and alignment withthe truth of who I am. What
(16:45):
would it look like to fullyrespect and honor myself, and
not just with alcohol, but howyou show up, how you say no, how
you ask for help, how you stepinto the full embodiment of the
woman that you want to be youdon't have to wait until you're
desperate. And that was like ourlast episode. Quit when you're
(17:07):
up, right? You don't have toburn it all down and throw away,
throw it away to fail ahead oftime. And this is the definition
of self sabotage. It's like wehave to sabotage ourselves so we
have a reason. And I should doan episode on existential kink,
because we create scenarios andand questions and rules in our
(17:31):
life just so that we can breakthem. And this is this weird
thing that we do as humans, andthat is what's actually creating
the excitement and that, likenervous excitement in your life,
are those sensations thateven a euphoric feeling is self
sabotage, and we don't reallyrealize it until we see, oh, I'm
(17:55):
making the rules and then I'mjust breaking them. But the
truth is is we can just get ridof the rules, but Then who do
you get to be? Right? Becauseyou've been in a habit of fight
or flight, you've been in ahabit of complaining, you've
been in a habit of poor me, ofbeing the victim. And now it's
time to change that. Butstepping into that
(18:16):
responsibility is a veryempowering place that we have to
be willing to fully claim,right? And that's celebrating
ourselves. That's like mecelebrating myself for being six
years and being proud of that,and being willing to say, hell
yeah, I did that, and I had toput the work in to do it. So I
do get to claim all of that. Thenext thing that's going to be
(18:41):
crucial for this process ofhonoring the Whisper instead of
waiting for the crash is to doit differently this time, right?
And that support could be awoman's group, that support
could be a therapist, thatsupport could be a coach. This
isn't about being broken. It'sabout being brave enough to step
into a new version of yourself,to learn new tools. We're never
(19:06):
done learning, right? We thinkjust because we have a certain
set of circumstances in our lifethat we don't need support
anymore, I've had times whereI've had like five coaches,
right? And it's no differentthan going to school and hiring.
You know, when I went to DJschool, I went and learned how
to DJ from someone. When Iwanted to learn how to manage my
(19:28):
mind, I had to go help someoneto help me do that. And I had to
learn how to do marketing. I hadto get coaching around, getting
out of my own way and steppinginto that version of myself and
not being scared to be inpeople's inboxes, right? Not
being scared to put myself outthere. When we do it alone, we
stay stuck in our own patternsand the right kind of support
(19:52):
makes the difference betweentrying again and becoming
someone new, right? Just doingthe same thing and getting the
same result with the samemindset, or becoming a new
version of yourself simplybecause it's not like you're
like, you know, changing yourname and no one can recognize
(20:13):
you. It's having a newperspective, a wildly new
perspective. So what happenswhen you decide sooner. When you
decide there's this whisper, andyou don't wait for that big rock
bottom moment, and it's okay ifyou've had that, also you show
up with integrity, and youalready start to become the
(20:34):
person who can do what you thinkalcohol is doing for you, but on
your own and better, right? Youbecome that person just by
taking a new action when youshow up with integrity, with
energy, honoring your body, yourdreams, your family, all the
(20:55):
things you work so hard for, andyou realize that you can't
create peace and pleasurethrough a synthetic experience,
but it's something you have tointentionally choose with the
way you're thinking aboutsomething, with the way you're
showing up. And then you startto trust yourself again. You
(21:18):
start to generate evidence that,yes, I can do this. And then
things blow up. Your cognitiveabilities come online. Your
creativity comes online. Youlearn how to show up for
yourself. And those otherwhispers that you've just been
maybe ignoring, right, or thestories that you've been telling
(21:39):
yourself, you start to have newperspectives on those and other
things start to get really good.
You know, I know in myrelationship, and this happens
with so many people, whererelationships that people
thought they were scared, like,Oh, if I get sober, maybe my
relationship's gonna end. Thisis good. This is a huge, huge,
(22:00):
huge thing for people. For many,many women, it's the opposite.
They learn to stop nitpicking.
They learn to step into theirfeminine and receive they learn
to look at all the gifts oftheir relationship, right? They
learn how to stay in their ownlane and make themselves happy
instead of waiting for someoneelse to do it, and then all of a
(22:21):
sudden, their partner's changingand becoming like this love of
their life, because they'retaking care of themselves and
they're not in desperate, clingyenergy. It's amazing,
inevitably, the other personalways changes when they're not
trying to control andmicromanage everything, right?
So the impact is beyond yourwildest dreams. I would love to
(22:44):
invite you to come and talk tome one on one, on a private
consultation. We can talk aboutall this stuff. And I really
want to know what is thatwhisper for you. What is the
thing that wakes you up in themiddle of the night that maybe
(23:05):
you haven't been able to sharewith anyone else in our one on
one container, we create asacredness of confidentiality
and consent, and I've beenthere. I've done it, I've seen
it, I've heard it, and it is theperfect place, whether or not we
continue our to work together,to just do something different,
(23:25):
to just start your journey. It'sa free and private consultation,
and it will be life changingjust that one hour. So the link
to schedule is in the shownotes, and I would love to meet
you there. Have a great day. Thedays of white knuckling your way
through an urge are over. Nomore distracting yourself, no
(23:49):
more avoiding alcohol, no moreresisting and I am not
exaggerating when I say thatdoing this one thing for five
minutes will change not only howsuccessful you are in drinking
less, but how much you will loveyour alcohol free life, you are
going to feel so good. So comeon over to my website or follow
the link right here in the shownotes to grab the free urge
(24:11):
guide that gives you the exactcheat codes to use to find
relief without a drink. And thebest part is no deprivation, no
missing out required. I'll seeyou over. Mary Wagstaff,
coach.com, you.
Music. Welcome to stop drinking and start living
the feminine way. I'm yourhostess. Mary Wagstaff, holistic
alcohol coach and feminineembodiment guide here to help
you effortlessly release alcoholby reclaiming your feminine
essence. Sobriety isn't justabout quitting drinking, it's
about removing the distortionsthat keep you disconnected,
(00:26):
overwhelmed and stuck in cyclesof numbing. Each week, I'll
share powerful tools, newperspectives that transform and
deeply relatable stories to helpyou step into the power pleasure
and purpose that it is to be awoman. This is your next
evolution of awakenedempowerment. Welcome to the
(00:47):
feminine way. My beautifullisteners, today's episode is a
really important one. It dives alittle bit deeper into kind of
the subconscious patterning ofwhat keeps us stuck when it
comes to quitting drinking, whyit's really hard to quit
drinking, and the biggestquestion that this concept
(01:07):
answers is the question that Idive into right away with my
private clients, is, what am Imaking it mean about me? What am
I making it mean if I quit?
Because so much of the time wewant to be accepted, we and
acceptance in our social groupis create safety, and until we
start to unpack it, we kind ofstay stuck in our inner child.
We stay stuck in the part of us.
(01:30):
And we always, you know,community is one of our basic
needs. So we do want to beaccepted, but at the same time,
we also want to be able to be inour office, accepted in our
authentic expression, and whenwe get to unpack it, and we step
into a place of empowerment andquit when we're up, like we
talked about on last week'sepisode, we stop looking as much
(01:52):
for that external validation,and we can really step into the
personal responsibility of beinga grown, mature adult, right?
But a lot of times, we're makingthe decisions from a place of
kind of a wounded inner child, aplace of us that still really
seeks external approval, andthis when we put the the kind of
(02:17):
conditioned perspective of ofwhat we've been meant to
believe, made to believe aboutwhat you know it means to be an
alcoholic or an addict. We haveit triggers a certain perception
in our mind, and there may evenbe someone that you know in your
life that you had associatedwith alcohol, like an alcoholic,
(02:42):
or someone that was in recovery,or, you know, this kind of more
of maybe a stereotypicalversion, or someone that just
had a real rock bottom momentthat was very detrimental. They
could have been abusive. Theycould have lost their life. They
could have done many, manythings, and you don't want to be
(03:07):
associated with that, or youhave been in that place in
yourself. You have been in arock bottom moment, but you
don't want to admit that you'rethat too, right? And so what we
know about addiction and what weknow about alcohol now, what
we've come to identify is thatthere is a use they there is a
(03:30):
spectrum of use and dependency.
And fortunately, that is thelike the CDC doesn't the term
alcoholic. They use the termalcohol use disorder. Now, I
still believe that even the CDCdoesn't identify the cultural
beliefs and narrative that isreally, a big part of the puzzle
(03:59):
when it comes to use. And thisisn't just around alcohol, but
it is about the mindset that onewho is using alcohol on a
regular basis with frequency andduration and creating results
(04:20):
that are not desirable for theiroutcome. But this is what this
episode is all about. Becausefor so many women who are in my
sphere, for so many women whoare kind of transitioning into a
new phase of their life. AndI've worked with women who have
(04:42):
had DUIs, who have had really,you know, it's compromised,
their relationships, theirmarriages, they've been to
rehab. There has been aspectrum, right? And I've also
worked with mothers who aregoing to bed. A tipsy every
night and not being reallypresent with their children, or
mothers who are going through adivorce, who want to be fully
(05:05):
present and do it from anempowered place. And you know,
maybe drinking wasn't, quote,unquote problematic, but they
knew it was taking away fromtheir their next level self,
from their empowerment, from theplace that they wanted to be, a
fully honoring, whatever kind oftransitional phase they were in,
(05:28):
or they're coming intoretirement, or they're very
concerned about their health,and they're super health
conscious, but then they keepdoing this thing that you know,
maybe they're not even sickevery day, but they know that
it's creating inflammation. Theyknow that it's not they're not
getting as good enough sleep asthey can. They're a little bit
foggy in the morning. They'renot getting up with the sunrise
like they want to every day, ordoing their creative pursuits
(05:54):
that they've dedicatedthemselves to so honoring that
little whisper that is thereinstead of waiting for the
crash, because what I also knowhappens with continued use and
aging, especially intoperimenopause and post
(06:14):
menopausal years, is that youcan't always rely on the impact
of alcohol. Most women that Iwork with tell me that the same
amount of alcohol, or even lessis having a bigger impact on
them, and say they've been ableto drink a bottle of wine in the
(06:36):
past. Sometimes they say twoglasses of wine, and they're
they're starting to get kind ofhazy. They're starting to, you
know, I wouldn't saynecessarily, black out, but not
remembering things in the waythey want to, and it's very
upsetting to them. And I don'tknow what the the science behind
all of this is, but I do believea there's a cumulative effect,
(06:56):
right, with the with the alcoholin our system, but also it's
creating an imbalance in all ofthe other systems of the body
that are looking to findbalance, that are looking to
find homeostasis, when yourhormones are shifting and you're
going through a huge transitionin your life, and then when
(07:18):
you're on the other side, soSay, if you are on the other
side of menopause, you're stillsettling into a new way of
being. It's such a huge, huge,huge shift in our lives that we
need to honor and recognize andlearn how to be with ourselves
in a new way. Right? Youso what if your rock bottom is
(07:49):
just a whisper? How do we usethat now before something comes
crashing down and this momentdoesn't have to be about rock
bottom, but it can be aboutoutgrowing alcohol. It can be
about honoring this next phasethat you're into your life.
(08:13):
We're taught that it has to bemessy, dramatic, this public
display of something happening.
Now, if that has happened,that's also okay. And like I
said, there's a spectrum. Butfor so many women contemplating
their sober, curious journey,and many, many women that I have
worked with are just hearingthat whisper that there's more,
(08:37):
there's something different.
They don't want to have thisconversation anymore. They don't
want to keep being in the sameplace again and again and again,
even though maybe no one elseknows right. Mean, in my life,
besides the people that I hungout with that were also
drinking, no one would haveknown the conversation I was
having in my own head that I wasfelt like I was breaking my own
(08:59):
heart every day. And that's why,when we compare ourselves and we
see, oh, Sally can just have onedrink when she's out, well, you
have no clue what Sally wasdrinking before, what she's
drinking after, and what she'sdrinking when you're not around,
and how she even feels aboutthat one drink, we just don't
(09:19):
know. So we can't assumeanything. Because what I know is
that there are many, many peoplethat will moderate their
drinking in public becausethey're drinking at home, right?
Or they're drinking after thefact. They are hiding it because
of their thoughts about theirthe perception. It's the whisper
(09:40):
that says I just don't want todo this anymore. And if you've
been waiting for a big enoughreason to make this change, I
want you to know that that isenough. It, it. Doesn't have to
be more than just that, thanyour own desire to know that
(10:04):
there is something more for you.
So most people are highfunctioning, but disconnected,
disconnected from who. Who areyou at this stage in your life,
right? It's kind of like lifehappens, things change, and then
(10:26):
you're like, Okay, now what? Whoam I at this phase in my life as
the grown woman that I am, withall the wisdom I have, all the
intuition, all the educationthat you've gained over the
years, you have the job, youhave the kids, you have the
life, right? You're making itall work, but there's a gap
between how things look on theoutside and how you feel on the
(10:48):
inside, and so there's that kindof bargaining and that, those
objections, saying I don't drinkthat much, or I don't drink as
much as this person. I've got itunder control. It's not that big
of a deal, right? And you butthen there's the flip side to it
too, where you're thinking, if Icould only drink as much as
(11:12):
Sally, right? Comparingyourself. But then the same
cycle repeats again and againand again. When you wake up at
3am you're not showing up foryourself, and you're asking
yourself the question, is thisas good as it gets, the
conditioning of what it means tohave a quote, unquote problem
(11:33):
with alcohol is something thatwe have to unpack, because The
problem is, the only problemthat you need is you're not
getting the results that youwant in your life, right? There
needs to be no one else thatgives you permission. There
needs to be nothing bigger orsmaller than the results of
(11:54):
drinking are no longer desirablefor me, right? And it doesn't
matter if you're having one or20, it's about how you're
showing up for yourself this wayof being in the same cycle, the
same habit of celebrating, ofdecompressing, of socializing.
(12:18):
It's representing the same selfconcept, where you never get to
step into a new version ofyourself, where you're always
kind of stuck in trying torecreate the past. And that's
what alcohol does. It's tryingto recreate some past version of
ourself that you can't ever beyou need to call all parts of
(12:38):
you to the present moment,right? And this is probably
reinforced by the people thatyou spend your time with. So you
have to start listening toyourself, and you have to start
honoring yourself. You have tostart thinking of yourself from
outside of yourself. If you hada child that came to you, if you
had one of your best friendscome to you that said, hey, you
(13:01):
know this thing has been goingon, and it could be in a
relationship, any relationship.
It's not that bad, but I justit's just bothering me, right?
What would you say to thatperson? They can change. You can
create something different. Youcan take a different action. You
can make a new decision. Youdon't need a crisis to change.
(13:25):
You don't need permission tochange. You don't need a
headline moment or a rock bottomstory, right? You just need to
start listening to yourself,because your inner knowing is
what's going to take you throughto the other side, and we have
to amplify that voice so it'sthose quiet moments, right? When
(13:46):
your body feels heavy and youdon't want to look at yourself
in the mirror, when you have adrink, even though you don't
even really want one, but you'renot really sure what else to do,
right? That's your rock bottommoment, because you're not
honoring your self, you're nothonoring the integrity of the
(14:09):
voice inside of you, and you'renot honoring your values. That
sacred whisper is what you needto listen to, and it's your
invitation to do somethingradically different before
something potentially couldhappen. And it's just that the
more with more frequency andduration, the deeper those
(14:30):
grooves get of the habit, themore the body becomes
conditioned to this behavior.
And while you're transitioningand potentially into a new phase
of your life, because this iswhen a lot of people come to me,
when their children are gettingolder, when their children are
leaving, maybe when they get adivorce, maybe when they're
(14:52):
getting a new job or retiring,or they're ready for the next
big thing, right? Say that thereis this voice that says, this is
the thing that's gotta go.
They're go getting intomenopause, or they're, they're
know, they're entering thatphase. This thing has to go. So
we have to tell the truth. Andthis is one of the first classes
(15:15):
inside of my program is reallyconfronting your alcohol story
from a place of honoring thetruth of who you are, right and
when you're witnessed in thatway, you will stop waiting for
permission, and that you canfinally let out a deep,
cathartic exhale being witnessedin your truth finally gives you
(15:40):
permission to start to seethings in a new way. And that's
when you're saying this isenough, when you finally say it
out loud. And this isn'tdeclaring anything you know, any
titles, any labels, anythingit's just saying. This isn't
working for me. The alcohol isdimming my intuition, my energy,
(16:02):
and that's all I need, right?
And it's not in alignment withwho I am, with the ways that I
want to show up. It's completelycontradicting your values. We
create a life intention, andevery single time, the life
intention and alcohol are justnot in alignment, right? It
(16:25):
makes you tolerate and avoid andexcuse things that you normally
wouldn't, and that's somethingthat you also don't want to live
with, right? And so you have tocreate a new standard for
yourself that this is rockbottom enough for me not living
in integrity and alignment withthe truth of who I am. What
(16:45):
would it look like to fullyrespect and honor myself, and
not just with alcohol, but howyou show up, how you say no, how
you ask for help, how you stepinto the full embodiment of the
woman that you want to be youdon't have to wait until you're
desperate. And that was like ourlast episode. Quit when you're
(17:07):
up, right? You don't have toburn it all down and throw away,
throw it away to fail ahead oftime. And this is the definition
of self sabotage. It's like wehave to sabotage ourselves so we
have a reason. And I should doan episode on existential kink,
because we create scenarios andand questions and rules in our
(17:31):
life just so that we can breakthem. And this is this weird
thing that we do as humans, andthat is what's actually creating
the excitement and that, likenervous excitement in your life,
are those sensations thateven a euphoric feeling is self
sabotage, and we don't reallyrealize it until we see, oh, I'm
(17:55):
making the rules and then I'mjust breaking them. But the
truth is is we can just get ridof the rules, but Then who do
you get to be? Right? Becauseyou've been in a habit of fight
or flight, you've been in ahabit of complaining, you've
been in a habit of poor me, ofbeing the victim. And now it's
time to change that. Butstepping into that
(18:16):
responsibility is a veryempowering place that we have to
be willing to fully claim,right? And that's celebrating
ourselves. That's like mecelebrating myself for being six
years and being proud of that,and being willing to say, hell
yeah, I did that, and I had toput the work in to do it. So I
do get to claim all of that. Thenext thing that's going to be
(18:41):
crucial for this process ofhonoring the Whisper instead of
waiting for the crash is to doit differently this time, right?
And that support could be awoman's group, that support
could be a therapist, thatsupport could be a coach. This
isn't about being broken. It'sabout being brave enough to step
into a new version of yourself,to learn new tools. We're never
(19:06):
done learning, right? We thinkjust because we have a certain
set of circumstances in our lifethat we don't need support
anymore, I've had times whereI've had like five coaches,
right? And it's no differentthan going to school and hiring.
You know, when I went to DJschool, I went and learned how
to DJ from someone. When Iwanted to learn how to manage my
(19:28):
mind, I had to go help someoneto help me do that. And I had to
learn how to do marketing. I hadto get coaching around, getting
out of my own way and steppinginto that version of myself and
not being scared to be inpeople's inboxes, right? Not
being scared to put myself outthere. When we do it alone, we
stay stuck in our own patternsand the right kind of support
(19:52):
makes the difference betweentrying again and becoming
someone new, right? Just doingthe same thing and getting the
same result with the samemindset, or becoming a new
version of yourself simplybecause it's not like you're
like, you know, changing yourname and no one can recognize
(20:13):
you. It's having a newperspective, a wildly new
perspective. So what happenswhen you decide sooner. When you
decide there's this whisper, andyou don't wait for that big rock
bottom moment, and it's okay ifyou've had that, also you show
up with integrity, and youalready start to become the
(20:34):
person who can do what you thinkalcohol is doing for you, but on
your own and better, right? Youbecome that person just by
taking a new action when youshow up with integrity, with
energy, honoring your body, yourdreams, your family, all the
(20:55):
things you work so hard for, andyou realize that you can't
create peace and pleasurethrough a synthetic experience,
but it's something you have tointentionally choose with the
way you're thinking aboutsomething, with the way you're
showing up. And then you startto trust yourself again. You
(21:18):
start to generate evidence that,yes, I can do this. And then
things blow up. Your cognitiveabilities come online. Your
creativity comes online. Youlearn how to show up for
yourself. And those otherwhispers that you've just been
maybe ignoring, right, or thestories that you've been telling
(21:39):
yourself, you start to have newperspectives on those and other
things start to get really good.
You know, I know in myrelationship, and this happens
with so many people, whererelationships that people
thought they were scared, like,Oh, if I get sober, maybe my
relationship's gonna end. Thisis good. This is a huge, huge,
(22:00):
huge thing for people. For many,many women, it's the opposite.
They learn to stop nitpicking.
They learn to step into theirfeminine and receive they learn
to look at all the gifts oftheir relationship, right? They
learn how to stay in their ownlane and make themselves happy
instead of waiting for someoneelse to do it, and then all of a
(22:21):
sudden, their partner's changingand becoming like this love of
their life, because they'retaking care of themselves and
they're not in desperate, clingyenergy. It's amazing,
inevitably, the other personalways changes when they're not
trying to control andmicromanage everything, right?
So the impact is beyond yourwildest dreams. I would love to
(22:44):
invite you to come and talk tome one on one, on a private
consultation. We can talk aboutall this stuff. And I really
want to know what is thatwhisper for you. What is the
thing that wakes you up in themiddle of the night that maybe
(23:05):
you haven't been able to sharewith anyone else in our one on
one container, we create asacredness of confidentiality
and consent, and I've beenthere. I've done it, I've seen
it, I've heard it, and it is theperfect place, whether or not we
continue our to work together,to just do something different,
(23:25):
to just start your journey. It'sa free and private consultation,
and it will be life changingjust that one hour. So the link
to schedule is in the shownotes, and I would love to meet
you there. Have a great day. Thedays of white knuckling your way
through an urge are over. Nomore distracting yourself, no
(23:49):
more avoiding alcohol, no moreresisting and I am not
exaggerating when I say thatdoing this one thing for five
minutes will change not only howsuccessful you are in drinking
less, but how much you will loveyour alcohol free life, you are
going to feel so good. So comeon over to my website or follow
the link right here in the shownotes to grab the free urge
(24:11):
guide that gives you the exactcheat codes to use to find
relief without a drink. And thebest part is no deprivation, no
missing out required. I'll seeyou over. Mary Wagstaff,
coach.com, you.
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