May 28, 2025 • 16 mins
Your craving for alcohol isn’t about the drink — it’s about what you think the drink will give you. Connection. Joy. Freedom.
Over time, your brain has fused alcohol with emotional relief, narrowing your perspective. You believe drinking is the only way to get what you want — but it's actually blocking you from it.
The key is knowing the difference between desire and attachment. Desire is the emotional state you long for. Attachment is insisting alcohol is the only way to get there. That grip keeps the cycle going — even when the drink stops delivering.
Breaking free isn't about willpower. It’s about nervous system regulation, aligned values, and radical self-honesty. Next time you’re triggered, ask: What am I really seeking? Why does it matter?
We are having a HUGE summer sale: Have an unforgettable summer, guaranteed wen you get inside the Sobriety Starter Kit! Click Here to start vibing at a higher level.
DISCLAIMER: This podcast and its contents are not a substitute for rehabilitation, medical treatment or advice. It is for educational and inspirational purposes. I am not a therapist or doctor. The views here are expressed a personal opinion and based on first hand experience. Please consult a doctor if your mental or physical health is at risk.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Welcome to Stop Drinking and Start Living the
Feminine Way.
I'm your hostess, mary Wagstaff, holistic Alcohol Coach and
Feminine Embodiment Guide, hereto help you effortlessly release
alcohol by reclaiming yourfeminine essence.
Sobriety isn't just aboutquitting drinking.
It's about removing thedistortions that keep you
(00:25):
disconnected, overwhelmed andstuck in cycles of numbing.
Each week I'll share powerfultools, new perspectives that
transform, and deeply relatablestories to help you step into
the power, pleasure and purposethat it is to be a woman.
This is your next evolution ofawakened empowerment.
(00:46):
Welcome to the feminine way.
Welcome back to the show.
My beautiful listeners, how isit going?
I am gearing up for the bestsummer ever.
As some of you may know, we areopening a farm stand here in
the Columbia River Gorge.
If you are ever around, I wouldlove for you to stop by in the
(01:07):
Dalles, oregon.
You can find more info on mysocial.
I believe it's linked there tomy farm life, but if not, I'll
leave a little link in thedescription here, because it
really is an example of what'spossible.
Matthew and I often talk abouthow so many of the milestone
moments we've had in our life wewould not have been able to do
(01:31):
if we were drinking.
There was maybe high levels ofstress or negotiation or so many
things that really required asense of groundedness and
empowerment and for us to beable to move through any
conflict quickly collaborate,because so much of our last
couple of years has been anegotiation, not just between
(01:54):
the two of us, but a negotiationwith life.
And so this last weekend, wedid our first floral arrangement
for a wedding and it was soamazing.
I'm going to make sure to leavemore pictures in my stories,
for it's a skyline farms.
The gorge is our Instagramaccount and really, again, you
(02:19):
know, so many people are likeyou're living the dream, all of
the things, but it doesn't comewithout effort.
It doesn't come without doingsomething different and really
what you want for yourself thissummer isn't to have a drink.
You want to have a good time,you want to have fun.
(02:43):
So there is a huge distinctionhere of something that I go over
, that is inside of the sobrietystarter kit, but something that
my private clients and I reallyunpack is the distinction
between desire and attachmentand really also a craving for
alcohol.
(03:03):
Cravings for alcohol we'll juststart there, because they're
kind of the most tangible thingOftentimes.
Well, there's a daily habitwhere it's a specific time of
day and your body has learnedit's a learned behavior, and so
there is part of your body thatkind of even overrides what your
(03:25):
brain wants, saying it is timenow for this specific reward.
Right, this also comes throughassociation, but the desire for
alcohol, I would say for mostpeople that are here, if you're
here listening to this, you'rein good company, but you aren't
really desiring a lifestyle thatis full of alcohol, right?
(03:50):
Desire is more of a value, it'san emotion that you want to
create.
There may be an outcome, butwhat you're really desiring is
connection, right?
So you're desiring connection,joy, fun, pleasure, freedom.
And you have filled your life,over the lifetime of your, of
(04:13):
your drinking, with joy.
All of the circumstances andall of the memories and
situations that have potentiallywould have created those things
, you've created an associationwith alcohol.
So now your brain believes thatthe only way to achieve those
(04:34):
states, even though you aren'tactually achieving your desired
outcome, is through alcohol.
And so now you are attached toan idea of how you think it
needs to be, and you're alsoattached to what you've made it
mean about you, right?
(04:56):
So you're really narrowing.
Alcohol has created thisnarrowing perspective of your
view of what's possible, becauseyou can't see outside of it,
because it is such a strongreward and it has colored the
lens of everything you see.
So the first step is to reallydistinguish like when you're
(05:19):
going to have a drink, what isit that I'm actually desiring?
And get very clear about thespecific value.
And this is something else thatwe do inside of the Sobriety
Starter Kit and I work deeplywith my clients on is the most
(05:41):
crucial thing is understandingyour high level values, because
you can never stay motivatedlong enough If you think you're
just quitting drinking.
You have to understand thestate in which you are aiming
for, the state of freedom thatyou are wanting to achieve so
(06:02):
that you can make decisions fromthat place.
And then to see how you'reattaching, how you're attached
and you're clinging and you'regripping to an idea of the way
that you think it needs to be.
And then that's the place ofresistance, right, that's the
place you're not willing to letgo of.
And from there we use the fiveshifts process to support that
(06:28):
part of you that feels scared,that has a dysregulated nervous
system.
And until we regulate thenervous system, we can't really
be in our intuitive leadershipand in our intuitive power.
Right Now, you might be in thatin other areas of your life
where you feel extremelyconfident and you have evidence,
(06:48):
you have proof of concept withyour family, with your work,
with your mothering.
You're very confident in thoseareas.
So your intuition is spot on.
You can see people's needsbefore they even have them
themselves.
Right, you can really tune intothat felt sense of this is safe
or this isn't safe, right.
(07:08):
But when it comes to yourself,when it comes to alcohol, your
whole story, the whole narrativearound it, has been completely
hijacked by the chemical ofalcohol.
And so we have to take a stepback.
But see how the beliefs, theattachment, is actually creating
(07:30):
more desire, right.
The attachment to these ideasof creating a past memory, of
trying to recreate a past memory, but only doing it through the
lens of alcohol, is fueling thedesire to drink but ultimately
(07:51):
is shortcoming your ability tohave the real thing that you
really desire.
So it's nuanced and of course,we have language which we have
to unpack.
And that's the really powerfulthing about working inside of
the program whether you're inthe sobriety starter kit or you
(08:14):
and I are unpacking thistogether is that we start to use
a specific type of languagethat creates a frequency, right,
that creates a deeperunderstanding for you, so that
you can actually have a strategyand apply the principles to
(08:34):
your life, because ideas canmean.
You know, a language can meananything to one person.
So when I say desire, right, wecan wrap that up into an urge,
we can wrap that up into acraving, we can wrap that up
into a longing.
It might not even always be apositive thing, but in this
(08:55):
circumstance I really want youto think about the fact that
alcohol is is overriding thatwhich you truly want in your
life and it is limiting you fromactually getting that.
And they've somehow becomemeshed together into one thing.
(09:19):
Right that your desire foralcohol is actually your desire
for happiness or your desire forrelaxation or your desire for
peace?
Right, but you very well knowthat it's actually not working,
or you wouldn't be listening tothe show.
But what happens, because yourbrain has been hijacked, is
(09:40):
there's that initial relief oflooking for that and the brain
is going to remember whathappens first.
Right, it doesn't remember allof the sunbaked passing out,
laughing at the stupid insidejokes with your group, again and
(10:01):
again feeling ashamed, feelingembarrassed.
The next day, all of thealcohol exhaustion, waking up
thinking I can't believe that Idrank again.
Am I going to do this againtonight?
And the cycle continues.
Right, this is your story?
I hate to break it to you.
Is everyone else's story, right?
That's why this podcast exists.
(10:22):
Now you have a very specificreason.
You have very specificcircumstances in your own set of
values, but alcohol is notunique in how it affects
people's lives in the shamespiral.
And then we're all in the samesociety and culture that has
(10:43):
glamorized things, that hasencouraged women to drink as a
source of empowerment or thatthey deserve a time to relax.
But what you actually deserveis to have your desire fully met
, and the best way to do that isto get crystal clear on what it
(11:06):
is you want and why that isimportant to you, and then start
to make decisions from thatplace.
But it's not as simple as that,because we are attached as
humans to ideas.
Right as soon as life doessomething different or someone
else has a different idea of theway they think it could be done
(11:29):
, we freak out right, like whensomeone else's reality is
different than ours.
We're like triggered by it, andthis is the part of mindfulness
that we get to practice,because we carry our old garbage
around with us, we carry an oldstory around with us.
We are not even living inreality, we are trying to
(11:51):
recreate the past and islimiting you from the
potentiality of an amazing,amazing future.
Because what you have done andwhat we've all done, this is
just the way the human brainworks and that's why we have to
kind of go in and tap into theother parts of our brain that
we're not really taught how totap into, like our ability to
(12:13):
become aware of our own thinking, like our ability to be
compassionate with the part ofus that's scared and really
presence our emotions by justrecognizing that they're simply
sensations in our body.
Because you have definedyourself as all the experiences
(12:35):
you've held onto right and allof your stories and all of your
trauma, and think about the waythat you've labeled yourself.
Is it serving you right?
There was a point when my momwas a single mom and she used to
get food stamps and I used toget free lunch and I went
(12:55):
through like teenage angst and Ihad a situation with my father
figure in my life and we allhave got a daddy wound.
I don't give a shit about anyof that anymore.
I'm not sitting in that storybecause what happens is we want
to hold on to victimconsciousness.
We attach to victimconsciousness so we can stay the
(13:16):
same.
And it happens where peoplecome to me and they have a huge
breakthrough, say on aconsultation, and they don't
move forward because they see asolution, because they see a
solution that would require themto let go of their old story.
And that is a scary thing forpeople and I'm not shaming
anyone for that, because Iguarantee you I do it in some
(13:39):
other area of my life, right.
But because my awareness hasgrown and one of my personal
values is freedom, and freedomrequires personal responsibility
, radical personalresponsibility, because I'm not
in charge of the way anyone elseshows up right.
So if I don't step intopersonal radical responsibility
for myself, then I can't havefreedom.
(14:02):
So this week I want you to takea step back.
When you have an urge or atrigger for anything right and
or you're disappointed inyourself, find out what is the
true desire underneath it andwhy is that important to me and
what is my attachment tocreating that in my life?
Where am I resisting?
(14:24):
And you will shock yourself athow, in the same situation, you
can have a completely differentperspective, because when you
attach to the desire that youreally want, why that's
important to you and your value,your mind change, and your folk
.
Your mind changes and insteadof focusing on the past, you're
(14:45):
now focusing on the future.
If you're listening to this inreal time, this is the end of
May.
I have a huge, huge, huge saleright now on the sobriety
starter kit that is available toyou.
You go in there.
You have one lesson that's anactual strategy to start to
apply, and every single day youbecome a new version of yourself
(15:06):
because instead of attaching tothe past, you are attaching to
the future.
I am so excited for you to havethe best sober, sexy summer of
your life and get out of thepast and recreate a brand new
high vibing life for yourself.
I'll talk to you soon.
(15:27):
The days of white knucklingyour way through an urge are
over.
No more distracting yourself,no more avoiding alcohol, no
more resisting, and I am notexaggerating when I say that
doing this one thing for fiveminutes will change not only how
successful you are in drinkingless, but how much you will love
your alcohol-free life.
(15:49):
You are going to feel so good,so come on over to my website or
follow the link right here inthe show notes to grab the free
urge guide that gives you theexact cheat codes to use to find
relief without a drink.
And the best part is, nodeprivation, no missing out
required.
I'll see you overmarywagstaffcoachcom.
Welcome to Stop Drinking and Start Living the
Feminine Way.
I'm your hostess, mary Wagstaff, holistic Alcohol Coach and
Feminine Embodiment Guide, hereto help you effortlessly release
alcohol by reclaiming yourfeminine essence.
Sobriety isn't just aboutquitting drinking.
It's about removing thedistortions that keep you
(00:25):
disconnected, overwhelmed andstuck in cycles of numbing.
Each week I'll share powerfultools, new perspectives that
transform, and deeply relatablestories to help you step into
the power, pleasure and purposethat it is to be a woman.
This is your next evolution ofawakened empowerment.
(00:46):
Welcome to the feminine way.
Welcome back to the show.
My beautiful listeners, how isit going?
I am gearing up for the bestsummer ever.
As some of you may know, we areopening a farm stand here in
the Columbia River Gorge.
If you are ever around, I wouldlove for you to stop by in the
(01:07):
Dalles, oregon.
You can find more info on mysocial.
I believe it's linked there tomy farm life, but if not, I'll
leave a little link in thedescription here, because it
really is an example of what'spossible.
Matthew and I often talk abouthow so many of the milestone
moments we've had in our life wewould not have been able to do
(01:31):
if we were drinking.
There was maybe high levels ofstress or negotiation or so many
things that really required asense of groundedness and
empowerment and for us to beable to move through any
conflict quickly collaborate,because so much of our last
couple of years has been anegotiation, not just between
(01:54):
the two of us, but a negotiationwith life.
And so this last weekend, wedid our first floral arrangement
for a wedding and it was soamazing.
I'm going to make sure to leavemore pictures in my stories,
for it's a skyline farms.
The gorge is our Instagramaccount and really, again, you
(02:19):
know, so many people are likeyou're living the dream, all of
the things, but it doesn't comewithout effort.
It doesn't come without doingsomething different and really
what you want for yourself thissummer isn't to have a drink.
You want to have a good time,you want to have fun.
(02:43):
So there is a huge distinctionhere of something that I go over
, that is inside of the sobrietystarter kit, but something that
my private clients and I reallyunpack is the distinction
between desire and attachmentand really also a craving for
alcohol.
(03:03):
Cravings for alcohol we'll juststart there, because they're
kind of the most tangible thingOftentimes.
Well, there's a daily habitwhere it's a specific time of
day and your body has learnedit's a learned behavior, and so
there is part of your body thatkind of even overrides what your
(03:25):
brain wants, saying it is timenow for this specific reward.
Right, this also comes throughassociation, but the desire for
alcohol, I would say for mostpeople that are here, if you're
here listening to this, you'rein good company, but you aren't
really desiring a lifestyle thatis full of alcohol, right?
(03:50):
Desire is more of a value, it'san emotion that you want to
create.
There may be an outcome, butwhat you're really desiring is
connection, right?
So you're desiring connection,joy, fun, pleasure, freedom.
And you have filled your life,over the lifetime of your, of
(04:13):
your drinking, with joy.
All of the circumstances andall of the memories and
situations that have potentiallywould have created those things
, you've created an associationwith alcohol.
So now your brain believes thatthe only way to achieve those
(04:34):
states, even though you aren'tactually achieving your desired
outcome, is through alcohol.
And so now you are attached toan idea of how you think it
needs to be, and you're alsoattached to what you've made it
mean about you, right?
(04:56):
So you're really narrowing.
Alcohol has created thisnarrowing perspective of your
view of what's possible, becauseyou can't see outside of it,
because it is such a strongreward and it has colored the
lens of everything you see.
So the first step is to reallydistinguish like when you're
(05:19):
going to have a drink, what isit that I'm actually desiring?
And get very clear about thespecific value.
And this is something else thatwe do inside of the Sobriety
Starter Kit and I work deeplywith my clients on is the most
(05:41):
crucial thing is understandingyour high level values, because
you can never stay motivatedlong enough If you think you're
just quitting drinking.
You have to understand thestate in which you are aiming
for, the state of freedom thatyou are wanting to achieve so
(06:02):
that you can make decisions fromthat place.
And then to see how you'reattaching, how you're attached
and you're clinging and you'regripping to an idea of the way
that you think it needs to be.
And then that's the place ofresistance, right, that's the
place you're not willing to letgo of.
And from there we use the fiveshifts process to support that
(06:28):
part of you that feels scared,that has a dysregulated nervous
system.
And until we regulate thenervous system, we can't really
be in our intuitive leadershipand in our intuitive power.
Right Now, you might be in thatin other areas of your life
where you feel extremelyconfident and you have evidence,
(06:48):
you have proof of concept withyour family, with your work,
with your mothering.
You're very confident in thoseareas.
So your intuition is spot on.
You can see people's needsbefore they even have them
themselves.
Right, you can really tune intothat felt sense of this is safe
or this isn't safe, right.
(07:08):
But when it comes to yourself,when it comes to alcohol, your
whole story, the whole narrativearound it, has been completely
hijacked by the chemical ofalcohol.
And so we have to take a stepback.
But see how the beliefs, theattachment, is actually creating
(07:30):
more desire, right.
The attachment to these ideasof creating a past memory, of
trying to recreate a past memory, but only doing it through the
lens of alcohol, is fueling thedesire to drink but ultimately
(07:51):
is shortcoming your ability tohave the real thing that you
really desire.
So it's nuanced and of course,we have language which we have
to unpack.
And that's the really powerfulthing about working inside of
the program whether you're inthe sobriety starter kit or you
(08:14):
and I are unpacking thistogether is that we start to use
a specific type of languagethat creates a frequency, right,
that creates a deeperunderstanding for you, so that
you can actually have a strategyand apply the principles to
(08:34):
your life, because ideas canmean.
You know, a language can meananything to one person.
So when I say desire, right, wecan wrap that up into an urge,
we can wrap that up into acraving, we can wrap that up
into a longing.
It might not even always be apositive thing, but in this
(08:55):
circumstance I really want youto think about the fact that
alcohol is is overriding thatwhich you truly want in your
life and it is limiting you fromactually getting that.
And they've somehow becomemeshed together into one thing.
(09:19):
Right that your desire foralcohol is actually your desire
for happiness or your desire forrelaxation or your desire for
peace?
Right, but you very well knowthat it's actually not working,
or you wouldn't be listening tothe show.
But what happens, because yourbrain has been hijacked, is
(09:40):
there's that initial relief oflooking for that and the brain
is going to remember whathappens first.
Right, it doesn't remember allof the sunbaked passing out,
laughing at the stupid insidejokes with your group, again and
(10:01):
again feeling ashamed, feelingembarrassed.
The next day, all of thealcohol exhaustion, waking up
thinking I can't believe that Idrank again.
Am I going to do this againtonight?
And the cycle continues.
Right, this is your story?
I hate to break it to you.
Is everyone else's story, right?
That's why this podcast exists.
(10:22):
Now you have a very specificreason.
You have very specificcircumstances in your own set of
values, but alcohol is notunique in how it affects
people's lives in the shamespiral.
And then we're all in the samesociety and culture that has
(10:43):
glamorized things, that hasencouraged women to drink as a
source of empowerment or thatthey deserve a time to relax.
But what you actually deserveis to have your desire fully met
, and the best way to do that isto get crystal clear on what it
(11:06):
is you want and why that isimportant to you, and then start
to make decisions from thatplace.
But it's not as simple as that,because we are attached as
humans to ideas.
Right as soon as life doessomething different or someone
else has a different idea of theway they think it could be done
(11:29):
, we freak out right, like whensomeone else's reality is
different than ours.
We're like triggered by it, andthis is the part of mindfulness
that we get to practice,because we carry our old garbage
around with us, we carry an oldstory around with us.
We are not even living inreality, we are trying to
(11:51):
recreate the past and islimiting you from the
potentiality of an amazing,amazing future.
Because what you have done andwhat we've all done, this is
just the way the human brainworks and that's why we have to
kind of go in and tap into theother parts of our brain that
we're not really taught how totap into, like our ability to
(12:13):
become aware of our own thinking, like our ability to be
compassionate with the part ofus that's scared and really
presence our emotions by justrecognizing that they're simply
sensations in our body.
Because you have definedyourself as all the experiences
(12:35):
you've held onto right and allof your stories and all of your
trauma, and think about the waythat you've labeled yourself.
Is it serving you right?
There was a point when my momwas a single mom and she used to
get food stamps and I used toget free lunch and I went
(12:55):
through like teenage angst and Ihad a situation with my father
figure in my life and we allhave got a daddy wound.
I don't give a shit about anyof that anymore.
I'm not sitting in that storybecause what happens is we want
to hold on to victimconsciousness.
We attach to victimconsciousness so we can stay the
(13:16):
same.
And it happens where peoplecome to me and they have a huge
breakthrough, say on aconsultation, and they don't
move forward because they see asolution, because they see a
solution that would require themto let go of their old story.
And that is a scary thing forpeople and I'm not shaming
anyone for that, because Iguarantee you I do it in some
(13:39):
other area of my life, right.
But because my awareness hasgrown and one of my personal
values is freedom, and freedomrequires personal responsibility
, radical personalresponsibility, because I'm not
in charge of the way anyone elseshows up right.
So if I don't step intopersonal radical responsibility
for myself, then I can't havefreedom.
(14:02):
So this week I want you to takea step back.
When you have an urge or atrigger for anything right and
or you're disappointed inyourself, find out what is the
true desire underneath it andwhy is that important to me and
what is my attachment tocreating that in my life?
Where am I resisting?
(14:24):
And you will shock yourself athow, in the same situation, you
can have a completely differentperspective, because when you
attach to the desire that youreally want, why that's
important to you and your value,your mind change, and your folk
.
Your mind changes and insteadof focusing on the past, you're
(14:45):
now focusing on the future.
If you're listening to this inreal time, this is the end of
May.
I have a huge, huge, huge saleright now on the sobriety
starter kit that is available toyou.
You go in there.
You have one lesson that's anactual strategy to start to
apply, and every single day youbecome a new version of yourself
(15:06):
because instead of attaching tothe past, you are attaching to
the future.
I am so excited for you to havethe best sober, sexy summer of
your life and get out of thepast and recreate a brand new
high vibing life for yourself.
I'll talk to you soon.
(15:27):
The days of white knucklingyour way through an urge are
over.
No more distracting yourself,no more avoiding alcohol, no
more resisting, and I am notexaggerating when I say that
doing this one thing for fiveminutes will change not only how
successful you are in drinkingless, but how much you will love
your alcohol-free life.
(15:49):
You are going to feel so good,so come on over to my website or
follow the link right here inthe show notes to grab the free
urge guide that gives you theexact cheat codes to use to find
relief without a drink.
And the best part is, nodeprivation, no missing out
required.
I'll see you overmarywagstaffcoachcom.
Popular Podcasts
United States of Kennedy
United States of Kennedy is a podcast about our cultural fascination with the Kennedy dynasty. Every week, hosts Lyra Smith and George Civeris go into one aspect of the Kennedy story.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.