August 13, 2025 • 20 mins
Ever wonder why quitting alcohol feels like a full-on identity shift? It’s because sobriety isn’t just about abstaining—it’s about reclaiming the parts of you that got buried under performance, people-pleasing, and perfectionism.
In this episode, we explore why alcohol is often just a placeholder for authenticity, and how perimenopause marks a powerful rite of passage—not a crisis, but a coronation.
You’ll walk away with:
- A deeper understanding of why your nervous system craves authenticity over belonging
- How midlife and sobriety unlock your next level of leadership, pleasure, and personal power
- The sneaky ways achievement can become the “new numbing”
- What it actually means to access your feminine essence—without a drink in your hand
This is your sacred invitation to come home to yourself.
✨ Your next evolution of awakened empowerment starts now.
DISCLAIMER: This podcast and its contents are not a substitute for rehabilitation, medical treatment or advice. It is for educational and inspirational purposes. I am not a therapist or doctor. The views here are expressed a personal opinion and based on first hand experience. Please consult a doctor if your mental or physical health is at risk.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Welcome to Stop Drinking and Start Living the
Feminine Way.
I'm your hostess, mary Wagstaff.
Holistic Alcohol Coach andFeminine Embodiment Guide, here
to help you effortlessly releasealcohol by reclaiming your
feminine essence.
Sobriety isn't just aboutquitting drinking.
It's about removing thedistortions that keep you
(00:25):
disconnected, overwhelmed andstuck in cycles of numbing.
Each week, I'll share powerfultools, new perspectives that
transform, and deeply relatablestories to help you step into
the power, pleasure and purposethat it is to be a woman.
This is your next evolution ofawakened empowerment.
(00:46):
Welcome to the Feminine Way.
Welcome back to the show.
My beautiful listeners.
This is Mary Wagstaff.
If you're here, welcome, you'rein good company.
The reason I do this show is acouple things.
I am a holistic life coach forwomen.
I specialize in alcohol andsobriety and really what I think
(01:07):
I specialize in most isnormalizing being human.
I help women at a next phase intheir life, usually a bigger
transition moment.
Typically women in middle ageand beyond and in a
perimenopause or postmenopausalmoment, take a sacred pause, and
that's why my method, formerlyknown as the five shifts, the
(01:28):
sacred pause method, is anopportunity to come back to
yourself and if you're herebecause of alcohol, alcohol is
this bell that's ringing thatyou can't not hear anymore.
Right?
It is the sign that there's away that you've been living a
story that you've been living to, a way that you've been
functioning as a woman in lifethat's just not working anymore.
(01:52):
And what I know to be true isthat sometimes we don't really
even know what we want, but weknow we want something different
.
Right that the way that we oncedid things wasn't wrong or bad,
but it's just not in alignmentwith who we are anymore.
And when I come and sit here, Ireally truly feel like I'm
(02:12):
sitting in a circle of women,because I'm going through the
same thing too, you knowcoaching, human development,
self-help, embodiment, work andmindset and mindfulness.
These are all just passionsthat I've had.
These are where I thrive in theworld holding space, being
(02:34):
disarming, making people feelcomfortable around me.
Right, we all have our ownskill set.
So I'm here because this is veryinteresting to me, because I
think about it and talk about itall the time and I'm not always
wanting to improve myself,because I think the way that I
am is there's anything wrongwith it, and I can step back and
reflect and be in the presentmoment of everything I've done
(02:56):
and have access to joy andhappiness and peace that I think
maybe some future version of mewill have.
I mean, that's how we manifestis we have to be in those
expressions now.
But you know, as a sober person, I you know, I really have
fully healed and I'm on theother side of that.
(03:18):
I feel like 110%.
There is really, and it'samazing, and there's many, many
layers of, you know,deconditioning I've had to do
and using the sacred pausemethod and unwinding other
stories in my life, but throughmy own humanity and aging like I
(03:39):
didn't stop aging right,there's still life and you learn
so many tools and skillsthrough the process of sobriety
and I think with the sacredpause method that I teach.
The thing that my clients takeaway the most is that it's not
(04:01):
about the alcohol, it's notabout the external circumstance,
it's about your beliefs, yourbrain and how you want to show
up to be an ally, first andforemost to yourself.
There's the willingness to takea step back and question your
beliefs without righteousnessand without shame, because the
opposite of that is psychosis ornarcissism.
(04:25):
No, not really, but sometimesit takes us a while to get there
, and so for me it's like oh mygosh, everything's better.
I have access.
This is the best thing aboutsobriety is you actually have
access now to all of you.
You have access to yourcognition, to your body
functioning optimally Right now.
(04:47):
There's other things that couldget in the way of that, but
there's no distortions anymorebecause a lot of times you don't
.
Most of the time it's like ohwell, if I have one drink, it's
not that big of a deal, I'm notover drinking, but you have no
clue what's going on.
If you've been drinking formany years, you don't remember,
and especially as the woman youare today, what it feels like to
(05:09):
be fully on the other side ofsobriety, what real sobriety in
the body and the woman that youare today, with a life that you
have feels like, and what itfeels like to actually have, you
know, eliminated and have acompletely new framework of a
mindset about what alcohol meansin your life.
And that's what I'm here toinspire you to know that there
(05:34):
is this other side where alcoholcan become 110%, completely
irrelevant, and there's not even.
I mean, I think about it onlyin the fact that I can't even
fathom the fact of the way thatI used to engage in it.
It seems completely like howdid I?
(05:55):
Was I living, how was Ifunctioning and alive?
Because, you guys, I drank alot and I also engaged in other
recreational drug use.
I mean, I had been engaging inrecreational drug use since I
was very young, since I was 13.
I also smoked, which is like,really like doesn't make you
feel good.
So I'm here to normalize thehuman experience for you because
(06:18):
, if I can say itunapologetically, then I want
you to know that it's okay,things happen and we kind of are
going through the motions oflife and right now in my life
and I've shared this, if you'vebeen here for a while, you know
that we were on the road we soldour farmhouse.
I actually took a break from thepodcast and there's something
(06:43):
that I feel like I'm still kindof catching up to, like catching
my breath, and of course, I'm44 years old, I'm going through
my own hormonal shifts and Ihaven't really there's not a lot
of the perimenopause symptomsthat I hear about traditionally
that I've been experiencing.
I sleep really well, I don'treally have brain fog, but I
(07:07):
have been having what I wouldprobably consider kind of a
dysregulated nervous systemwhere I feel like I'm just going
from one thing to the next, andwhat I was I was talking to
Matthew, my spouse, about wasthat, just like with alcohol,
you don't really know whatnormal feels like.
I kind of feel like I've beenover functioning in a cortisol
(07:29):
zone for a while now that I'mnot really sure what it feels
like to be in a real relaxedstate, because there's been and
this is to no fault of anyoneelse's but my own because I keep
adding things and changingthings and not grounding, and
(07:50):
you know there's part of this.
This is my personality and I'mshowing up, taking action.
I'm not, you know, not makingcommitments that I'm not
following through with, but it'sthere's like too many balls in
the air and then things do getbrushed to the side.
Projects that I started that Ireally want to finish my book is
(08:11):
one of them and I'm givingmyself grace to know that I'm in
whatever season I'm in rightnow and it's totally, totally
fine.
And part of the feminine waythat addition that I made to the
show when I restarted the showwas.
I know that I have beenfunctioning primarily in my
(08:32):
masculine most of my life and Ibelieve that when I became sober
and this is something that Ihelp people integrate as well.
We work on integrating.
What is it like to live a soberlife?
Because now it's 100% you.
You're not reaching for thisthing outside of yourself as a
tool anymore.
You have to utilize other tools.
(08:53):
But that doesn't mean you stilldon't go through change.
You just have a new awarenessnow, and one of the things I
think that I did was I got soexcited about the success of my
coaching business and mycognitive abilities that came
online and being able tofunction in the world the way
I've always wanted to functionin the world, by sharing content
, teaching, creating, beingconfident and brave enough to go
(09:16):
out there and do things that Ikind of was like I'm making up
for lost time in some way.
And you know, I was doing otherthings before.
I was always a go-getter, but Iwas a bit of a wanderlust.
I was looking really moreoutside of myself, like, oh, if
I, you know, go on this retreat.
Or I was, and I don't know ifI've shared this in the show,
but I always wanted to go be ayoga teacher, like
(09:39):
internationally, I thought, oh,my gosh, like I just need to
live in Mexico and be a yogateacher and that's the life that
I need, right, and I've donethat, and I did it in Costa Rica
.
Turns out that, you know, Ibrought my mind with me and I
was drinking there and all ofthe things.
So now I really have access tocreating fulfillment inside of
(10:01):
myself and the thing that I'mworking on, and I really want to
take you on this journey withme, because had I, you know, I
didn't have this awareness whenI was going through the sacred
pause, my own personal sacredpause.
I mean, I had the work of thefeminine mysteries and starting
to look at my cyclical natureand really stepping into the
(10:22):
role of the woman that I want tobe and I coach my clients on
this all the time how theircycle and how the feminine shows
up different than the masculine.
And this hyper fixation ondoing and this idea of getting
ahead of yourself is what causesso much drinking.
So I see for myself and this isjust like full vulnerability
(10:46):
and transparency that finding,you know, maybe a sense of
worthiness or, you know,achievement externally.
I didn't even really have thatbefore, but that in some ways, I
think, maybe became a bit of asubstitution for alcohol.
(11:08):
I wouldn't say a substitution,but it was like I put all of my
energy, started putting a lot ofmy energy into achievement,
something I didn't have accessto before.
But what I see with a lot ofwomen is that who are
overachievers, overfunctioning.
And there's nothing wrong withthat.
That's amazing, that you havepassion and desire and
(11:29):
motivation, but it's like whatis the result that it's getting
you and can you do it both froma relaxed nervous system that
doesn't cause you to want todrink.
And so I'm having thisperspective now to help my
overachievers, because I wouldsay I actually have access to
more of the type A personalitythat I was potentially born with
(11:51):
than I did when I was drinking,and there's something about the
access that I have to mycognitive abilities that kind of
like kicked that in.
So, the feminine way is thisopportunity to ask the question
what kind of woman do I want tobe?
And in a perimenopausal phaseand in a postmenopause phase, I
believe that this isn't a crisis, but it's a coronation.
(12:12):
It's an opportunity to takeourselves through the sacred
rite of passage.
As this threshold and it is aliminal space.
It's kind of neither here northere of really getting to
decide, and authenticity beingmore of a requirement for as
like a basic need than belonging, because one of the things that
(12:34):
we don't talk about a lot inour basic needs as humans is we
have this need to belong.
We need to know we're part of atribe, of a community.
When children don't feel safewith their people, with their
people didn't attend to them orattend to their crying or their
abandonment or whatever it was,and so a lot of times people
(12:57):
mold to what they think someoneelse wants.
This is where people pleasingcomes from so that they can be
long, so they can be accepted,and then they do it in
relationships in other areaslong so they can be accepted,
and then they do it inrelationships in other areas.
But there comes a point in yourlife right now and this is why
(13:17):
you're here so much.
Is that the story about alcoholand maybe belonging or even the
ways that you're using it as abreak to people pleasing or as a
break to being thatoverachiever and trying to prove
something.
Alcoholism is no longer arequirement for your life and
you know this, but you're not100% sure because you know maybe
(13:38):
a lot of I mean a lot of ourlives are performative, so many.
It's like we project and wedon't even know we're doing it.
But it's like what doeseveryone want to hear, right?
And I'm kind of in this phasetoo, right now, where there's a
lot of things that I want to saythat aren't necessarily
directly related to alcohol, butI know that they are a cause of
why middle-aged women andbeyond are drinking and why it's
(14:04):
a requirement for them to stopis because their authenticity is
now a requirement for safety,where belonging was more of the
requirement for safety before.
So why is authenticity arequirement for safety where
belonging was more of therequirement for safety before?
So why is authenticity arequirement for safety?
It's just a great question.
Well, for me, authenticity is arequirement for safety because I
(14:29):
need to know what I want, sothat I can express my needs to
my partner and to myself right,so that I'm not living in this
hamster wheel of these oldstories.
And so my authentic expressionallows me to create boundaries
(14:53):
for myself.
It allows me to show up, to bethe woman that I want to be as a
mother, as a coach, as a sister, as a daughter, as a spouse,
right.
And then this is how I'm goingto maintain those relationships.
This, now, is how I'm going tobelong because if my insecure
(15:17):
attachment style which is verydifferent with different people,
but with Matthew it's aninsecure attachment style based
on the past of betrayal andabandonment and stuff, so with
him I'm always like we can fixit, let's fix it, and then I
smother him and then he wants torun away.
So if I am not in my own secureattachment style, in my own
(15:37):
authentic understanding of mybelonging or my authenticity, my
desires, my needs, which arevery different right now than
they were 12 years ago, so Ineed to do a reassessment for
myself first and see is thatinsecure attachment warranted?
Or if I'm coming from adifferent place of a more
(15:58):
securely attached woman, do Ishow up differently?
So what I would love for you totake away from this episode
today is really looking at foryourself this need for
authenticity and justquestioning how is being a more
(16:20):
authentic version of myself nowrequired for my safety?
And safety means a lot ofthings Now required for my
belonging, required for me toshow up in the world in the way
that is going to be the mostbeneficial to me and to my loved
ones and to, potentially, theworld at large.
(16:41):
Right, and how do I alreadybelong.
Because I think when we'recoaching, one of the things that
happens is we uncover the waysthat you already belong and you
already know that.
But sometimes there's this oldstory that oh, if I'm not
drinking I'll be an outcast.
But most of the time when Iunpack that with people, with my
(17:03):
clients, they don't actuallybelieve it.
And so this is the really oneof.
I'll just say this, and thiscould be a whole other episode
but a really crucial piece ofcoaching is that we finish the
conversation.
We actually finish theconversation.
So if you say the word screw itor the thought screw it, it
doesn't matter, we ask what doesit matter?
(17:24):
What does that mean?
Or if it's like I'm not goingto belong, I won't fit in, I
won't be part of the group, howis that not true?
How are you already part of thegroup when no one's drinking?
What does alcohol have to dowith being part of the group?
So we interrupt theconversation, that knee-jerk
(17:45):
reaction, and not play devil'sadvocate, but a little bit.
It's like well, tell me moreabout that.
What does that mean?
We do it from a compassionateand loving place.
This is where I'm going rightnow is I'm wanting to step more
into my secure attachment intomy feminine, because I know I'm
deeply needing and desiring thisright now, and I know what that
(18:10):
looks like.
I know what it means to softenand to have a somatic experience
of pleasure without anythinghappening.
Right, this isn't about sex.
This isn't about anything.
I know how to relax in my bodyand this is what I teach.
(18:33):
I teach people how to relax intheir bodies without any
external thing, right?
But sometimes old patterns canshow up in different ways just
depending on the circumstancesof our life.
There's things that canre-trigger things If we're
feeling ungrounded, if there'schanges.
We know about all the stressfulthings that can happen Moving.
We know about all the stressfulthings that can happen moving,
(18:55):
divorce, money all of thesethings can be stressful.
So for me, if I fill my platetoo much, I don't have that
space.
The exquisite self-care of thefeminine way takes a backseat,
even though the reason I think Ican't is the reason I need to.
I hope you have a beautiful,beautiful week.
(19:16):
There is time in my schedulenext week for a private coaching
consultation.
And what happens in that callis I get to really understand
and meet you where you're at,because every single person
starts this journey differently.
So follow the link right herein the show notes and I would
(19:36):
absolutely love to meet you inperson and I'll talk to you soon
.
The days of white knucklingyour way through an urge are
over.
No more distracting yourself,no more avoiding alcohol, no
more resisting, and I am notexaggerating when I say that
doing this one thing for fiveminutes will change not only how
(19:57):
successful you are in drinkingless, but how much you will love
your alcohol-free life.
You are going to feel so good.
So come on over to my websiteor follow the link right here in
the show notes to grab the freeurge guide that gives you the
exact cheat codes to use to findrelief without a drink.
(20:17):
And the best part is nodeprivation, no missing out
required.
I'll see you overmarywagstaffcoachcom.
Welcome to Stop Drinking and Start Living the
Feminine Way.
I'm your hostess, mary Wagstaff.
Holistic Alcohol Coach andFeminine Embodiment Guide, here
to help you effortlessly releasealcohol by reclaiming your
feminine essence.
Sobriety isn't just aboutquitting drinking.
It's about removing thedistortions that keep you
(00:25):
disconnected, overwhelmed andstuck in cycles of numbing.
Each week, I'll share powerfultools, new perspectives that
transform, and deeply relatablestories to help you step into
the power, pleasure and purposethat it is to be a woman.
This is your next evolution ofawakened empowerment.
(00:46):
Welcome to the Feminine Way.
Welcome back to the show.
My beautiful listeners.
This is Mary Wagstaff.
If you're here, welcome, you'rein good company.
The reason I do this show is acouple things.
I am a holistic life coach forwomen.
I specialize in alcohol andsobriety and really what I think
(01:07):
I specialize in most isnormalizing being human.
I help women at a next phase intheir life, usually a bigger
transition moment.
Typically women in middle ageand beyond and in a
perimenopause or postmenopausalmoment, take a sacred pause, and
that's why my method, formerlyknown as the five shifts, the
(01:28):
sacred pause method, is anopportunity to come back to
yourself and if you're herebecause of alcohol, alcohol is
this bell that's ringing thatyou can't not hear anymore.
Right?
It is the sign that there's away that you've been living a
story that you've been living to, a way that you've been
functioning as a woman in lifethat's just not working anymore.
(01:52):
And what I know to be true isthat sometimes we don't really
even know what we want, but weknow we want something different
.
Right that the way that we oncedid things wasn't wrong or bad,
but it's just not in alignmentwith who we are anymore.
And when I come and sit here, Ireally truly feel like I'm
(02:12):
sitting in a circle of women,because I'm going through the
same thing too, you knowcoaching, human development,
self-help, embodiment, work andmindset and mindfulness.
These are all just passionsthat I've had.
These are where I thrive in theworld holding space, being
(02:34):
disarming, making people feelcomfortable around me.
Right, we all have our ownskill set.
So I'm here because this is veryinteresting to me, because I
think about it and talk about itall the time and I'm not always
wanting to improve myself,because I think the way that I
am is there's anything wrongwith it, and I can step back and
reflect and be in the presentmoment of everything I've done
(02:56):
and have access to joy andhappiness and peace that I think
maybe some future version of mewill have.
I mean, that's how we manifestis we have to be in those
expressions now.
But you know, as a sober person, I you know, I really have
fully healed and I'm on theother side of that.
(03:18):
I feel like 110%.
There is really, and it'samazing, and there's many, many
layers of, you know,deconditioning I've had to do
and using the sacred pausemethod and unwinding other
stories in my life, but throughmy own humanity and aging like I
(03:39):
didn't stop aging right,there's still life and you learn
so many tools and skillsthrough the process of sobriety
and I think with the sacredpause method that I teach.
The thing that my clients takeaway the most is that it's not
(04:01):
about the alcohol, it's notabout the external circumstance,
it's about your beliefs, yourbrain and how you want to show
up to be an ally, first andforemost to yourself.
There's the willingness to takea step back and question your
beliefs without righteousnessand without shame, because the
opposite of that is psychosis ornarcissism.
(04:25):
No, not really, but sometimesit takes us a while to get there
, and so for me it's like oh mygosh, everything's better.
I have access.
This is the best thing aboutsobriety is you actually have
access now to all of you.
You have access to yourcognition, to your body
functioning optimally Right now.
(04:47):
There's other things that couldget in the way of that, but
there's no distortions anymorebecause a lot of times you don't
.
Most of the time it's like ohwell, if I have one drink, it's
not that big of a deal, I'm notover drinking, but you have no
clue what's going on.
If you've been drinking formany years, you don't remember,
and especially as the woman youare today, what it feels like to
(05:09):
be fully on the other side ofsobriety, what real sobriety in
the body and the woman that youare today, with a life that you
have feels like, and what itfeels like to actually have, you
know, eliminated and have acompletely new framework of a
mindset about what alcohol meansin your life.
And that's what I'm here toinspire you to know that there
(05:34):
is this other side where alcoholcan become 110%, completely
irrelevant, and there's not even.
I mean, I think about it onlyin the fact that I can't even
fathom the fact of the way thatI used to engage in it.
It seems completely like howdid I?
(05:55):
Was I living, how was Ifunctioning and alive?
Because, you guys, I drank alot and I also engaged in other
recreational drug use.
I mean, I had been engaging inrecreational drug use since I
was very young, since I was 13.
I also smoked, which is like,really like doesn't make you
feel good.
So I'm here to normalize thehuman experience for you because
(06:18):
, if I can say itunapologetically, then I want
you to know that it's okay,things happen and we kind of are
going through the motions oflife and right now in my life
and I've shared this, if you'vebeen here for a while, you know
that we were on the road we soldour farmhouse.
I actually took a break from thepodcast and there's something
(06:43):
that I feel like I'm still kindof catching up to, like catching
my breath, and of course, I'm44 years old, I'm going through
my own hormonal shifts and Ihaven't really there's not a lot
of the perimenopause symptomsthat I hear about traditionally
that I've been experiencing.
I sleep really well, I don'treally have brain fog, but I
(07:07):
have been having what I wouldprobably consider kind of a
dysregulated nervous systemwhere I feel like I'm just going
from one thing to the next, andwhat I was I was talking to
Matthew, my spouse, about wasthat, just like with alcohol,
you don't really know whatnormal feels like.
I kind of feel like I've beenover functioning in a cortisol
(07:29):
zone for a while now that I'mnot really sure what it feels
like to be in a real relaxedstate, because there's been and
this is to no fault of anyoneelse's but my own because I keep
adding things and changingthings and not grounding, and
(07:50):
you know there's part of this.
This is my personality and I'mshowing up, taking action.
I'm not, you know, not makingcommitments that I'm not
following through with, but it'sthere's like too many balls in
the air and then things do getbrushed to the side.
Projects that I started that Ireally want to finish my book is
(08:11):
one of them and I'm givingmyself grace to know that I'm in
whatever season I'm in rightnow and it's totally, totally
fine.
And part of the feminine waythat addition that I made to the
show when I restarted the showwas.
I know that I have beenfunctioning primarily in my
(08:32):
masculine most of my life and Ibelieve that when I became sober
and this is something that Ihelp people integrate as well.
We work on integrating.
What is it like to live a soberlife?
Because now it's 100% you.
You're not reaching for thisthing outside of yourself as a
tool anymore.
You have to utilize other tools.
(08:53):
But that doesn't mean you stilldon't go through change.
You just have a new awarenessnow, and one of the things I
think that I did was I got soexcited about the success of my
coaching business and mycognitive abilities that came
online and being able tofunction in the world the way
I've always wanted to functionin the world, by sharing content
, teaching, creating, beingconfident and brave enough to go
(09:16):
out there and do things that Ikind of was like I'm making up
for lost time in some way.
And you know, I was doing otherthings before.
I was always a go-getter, but Iwas a bit of a wanderlust.
I was looking really moreoutside of myself, like, oh, if
I, you know, go on this retreat.
Or I was, and I don't know ifI've shared this in the show,
but I always wanted to go be ayoga teacher, like
(09:39):
internationally, I thought, oh,my gosh, like I just need to
live in Mexico and be a yogateacher and that's the life that
I need, right, and I've donethat, and I did it in Costa Rica
.
Turns out that, you know, Ibrought my mind with me and I
was drinking there and all ofthe things.
So now I really have access tocreating fulfillment inside of
(10:01):
myself and the thing that I'mworking on, and I really want to
take you on this journey withme, because had I, you know, I
didn't have this awareness whenI was going through the sacred
pause, my own personal sacredpause.
I mean, I had the work of thefeminine mysteries and starting
to look at my cyclical natureand really stepping into the
(10:22):
role of the woman that I want tobe and I coach my clients on
this all the time how theircycle and how the feminine shows
up different than the masculine.
And this hyper fixation ondoing and this idea of getting
ahead of yourself is what causesso much drinking.
So I see for myself and this isjust like full vulnerability
(10:46):
and transparency that finding,you know, maybe a sense of
worthiness or, you know,achievement externally.
I didn't even really have thatbefore, but that in some ways, I
think, maybe became a bit of asubstitution for alcohol.
(11:08):
I wouldn't say a substitution,but it was like I put all of my
energy, started putting a lot ofmy energy into achievement,
something I didn't have accessto before.
But what I see with a lot ofwomen is that who are
overachievers, overfunctioning.
And there's nothing wrong withthat.
That's amazing, that you havepassion and desire and
(11:29):
motivation, but it's like whatis the result that it's getting
you and can you do it both froma relaxed nervous system that
doesn't cause you to want todrink.
And so I'm having thisperspective now to help my
overachievers, because I wouldsay I actually have access to
more of the type A personalitythat I was potentially born with
(11:51):
than I did when I was drinking,and there's something about the
access that I have to mycognitive abilities that kind of
like kicked that in.
So, the feminine way is thisopportunity to ask the question
what kind of woman do I want tobe?
And in a perimenopausal phaseand in a postmenopause phase, I
believe that this isn't a crisis, but it's a coronation.
(12:12):
It's an opportunity to takeourselves through the sacred
rite of passage.
As this threshold and it is aliminal space.
It's kind of neither here northere of really getting to
decide, and authenticity beingmore of a requirement for as
like a basic need than belonging, because one of the things that
(12:34):
we don't talk about a lot inour basic needs as humans is we
have this need to belong.
We need to know we're part of atribe, of a community.
When children don't feel safewith their people, with their
people didn't attend to them orattend to their crying or their
abandonment or whatever it was,and so a lot of times people
(12:57):
mold to what they think someoneelse wants.
This is where people pleasingcomes from so that they can be
long, so they can be accepted,and then they do it in
relationships in other areaslong so they can be accepted,
and then they do it inrelationships in other areas.
But there comes a point in yourlife right now and this is why
(13:17):
you're here so much.
Is that the story about alcoholand maybe belonging or even the
ways that you're using it as abreak to people pleasing or as a
break to being thatoverachiever and trying to prove
something.
Alcoholism is no longer arequirement for your life and
you know this, but you're not100% sure because you know maybe
(13:38):
a lot of I mean a lot of ourlives are performative, so many.
It's like we project and wedon't even know we're doing it.
But it's like what doeseveryone want to hear, right?
And I'm kind of in this phasetoo, right now, where there's a
lot of things that I want to saythat aren't necessarily
directly related to alcohol, butI know that they are a cause of
why middle-aged women andbeyond are drinking and why it's
(14:04):
a requirement for them to stopis because their authenticity is
now a requirement for safety,where belonging was more of the
requirement for safety before.
So why is authenticity arequirement for safety where
belonging was more of therequirement for safety before?
So why is authenticity arequirement for safety?
It's just a great question.
Well, for me, authenticity is arequirement for safety because I
(14:29):
need to know what I want, sothat I can express my needs to
my partner and to myself right,so that I'm not living in this
hamster wheel of these oldstories.
And so my authentic expressionallows me to create boundaries
(14:53):
for myself.
It allows me to show up, to bethe woman that I want to be as a
mother, as a coach, as a sister, as a daughter, as a spouse,
right.
And then this is how I'm goingto maintain those relationships.
This, now, is how I'm going tobelong because if my insecure
(15:17):
attachment style which is verydifferent with different people,
but with Matthew it's aninsecure attachment style based
on the past of betrayal andabandonment and stuff, so with
him I'm always like we can fixit, let's fix it, and then I
smother him and then he wants torun away.
So if I am not in my own secureattachment style, in my own
(15:37):
authentic understanding of mybelonging or my authenticity, my
desires, my needs, which arevery different right now than
they were 12 years ago, so Ineed to do a reassessment for
myself first and see is thatinsecure attachment warranted?
Or if I'm coming from adifferent place of a more
(15:58):
securely attached woman, do Ishow up differently?
So what I would love for you totake away from this episode
today is really looking at foryourself this need for
authenticity and justquestioning how is being a more
(16:20):
authentic version of myself nowrequired for my safety?
And safety means a lot ofthings Now required for my
belonging, required for me toshow up in the world in the way
that is going to be the mostbeneficial to me and to my loved
ones and to, potentially, theworld at large.
(16:41):
Right, and how do I alreadybelong.
Because I think when we'recoaching, one of the things that
happens is we uncover the waysthat you already belong and you
already know that.
But sometimes there's this oldstory that oh, if I'm not
drinking I'll be an outcast.
But most of the time when Iunpack that with people, with my
(17:03):
clients, they don't actuallybelieve it.
And so this is the really oneof.
I'll just say this, and thiscould be a whole other episode
but a really crucial piece ofcoaching is that we finish the
conversation.
We actually finish theconversation.
So if you say the word screw itor the thought screw it, it
doesn't matter, we ask what doesit matter?
(17:24):
What does that mean?
Or if it's like I'm not goingto belong, I won't fit in, I
won't be part of the group, howis that not true?
How are you already part of thegroup when no one's drinking?
What does alcohol have to dowith being part of the group?
So we interrupt theconversation, that knee-jerk
(17:45):
reaction, and not play devil'sadvocate, but a little bit.
It's like well, tell me moreabout that.
What does that mean?
We do it from a compassionateand loving place.
This is where I'm going rightnow is I'm wanting to step more
into my secure attachment intomy feminine, because I know I'm
deeply needing and desiring thisright now, and I know what that
(18:10):
looks like.
I know what it means to softenand to have a somatic experience
of pleasure without anythinghappening.
Right, this isn't about sex.
This isn't about anything.
I know how to relax in my bodyand this is what I teach.
(18:33):
I teach people how to relax intheir bodies without any
external thing, right?
But sometimes old patterns canshow up in different ways just
depending on the circumstancesof our life.
There's things that canre-trigger things If we're
feeling ungrounded, if there'schanges.
We know about all the stressfulthings that can happen Moving.
We know about all the stressfulthings that can happen moving,
(18:55):
divorce, money all of thesethings can be stressful.
So for me, if I fill my platetoo much, I don't have that
space.
The exquisite self-care of thefeminine way takes a backseat,
even though the reason I think Ican't is the reason I need to.
I hope you have a beautiful,beautiful week.
(19:16):
There is time in my schedulenext week for a private coaching
consultation.
And what happens in that callis I get to really understand
and meet you where you're at,because every single person
starts this journey differently.
So follow the link right herein the show notes and I would
(19:36):
absolutely love to meet you inperson and I'll talk to you soon
.
The days of white knucklingyour way through an urge are
over.
No more distracting yourself,no more avoiding alcohol, no
more resisting, and I am notexaggerating when I say that
doing this one thing for fiveminutes will change not only how
(19:57):
successful you are in drinkingless, but how much you will love
your alcohol-free life.
You are going to feel so good.
So come on over to my websiteor follow the link right here in
the show notes to grab the freeurge guide that gives you the
exact cheat codes to use to findrelief without a drink.
(20:17):
And the best part is nodeprivation, no missing out
required.
I'll see you overmarywagstaffcoachcom.
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