April 12, 2024 • 44 mins
Hello listeners! Spring has sprung, and we are so excited to share with you the release of an incredibly heartfelt episode of the Strength in Recovery podcast with our friend, Greg. Greg talks with Jaye about his journey to recovery, the importance of fellowships, and how the connections he has made during sobriety keep him going.
This is one filled with guidance to help you navigate your recovery journey. Tune in to get inspired!
*The views and opinions expressed by the guests of this podcast should not be considered medical or treatment advice. Need treatment? Call 1-833-RCAALUM today. Looking for support? Visit www.rcaalumni.com.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
This Strength and Recovery episode contains discussions and narratives that touch upon
(00:06):
the sensitive themes of suicide and self-harm.
Listener discretion is advised.
If you or someone you know is struggling with thoughts of self-harm or suicide, please seek
support from a trusted friend, family member, mental health professional, or call the United
States Suicide Hotline at 988.
(00:46):
Hello listeners, welcome to the Strength and Recovery podcast.
I'm your host, Jay Rodenbosch, director of alumni engagement for recovery centers of
America, and today we're at our facility in Monroeville, Pennsylvania.
Where are we?
I flew in, drove here, but where?
Tell the people where we are.
(01:06):
Basically Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
Little bit east.
Little bit east of Pittsburgh.
Pittsburgh, yes, the suburb.
And I'm sitting down with Greg. Greg is an alum of RCA Monroeville and so graciously
agreed to talk to us today about his life and his story.
And so thank you so much for joining us.
(01:28):
Absolutely.
Thank you for having me.
Getting used to talking about myself a little bit more.
Yeah.
You were here last night for an alumni meeting.
Yes, the alumni.
I seem to be, you can't really get rid of me at this point.
So I still come just about every week to alumni, the meeting here, and it's been good.
(01:51):
I just recently started bringing some other people I've met through the AA and NA into
speak and hear their stories.
Mostly people, you know, somewhat selfish, I want to hear their stories.
So I bring them in to talk to all of us.
But it's great involvement and a great group of people.
Thank you for your service means a lot.
Coming back to the facility that played a role in your recovery.
(02:18):
What's that like?
It's kind of weird because now I just last Thursday celebrated two years sobriety.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
That's awesome.
But it's kind of weird because I feel like there's such a divide in my life where my life before recovery is just kind of a different person.
(02:42):
And so coming back here is natural.
You know, I essentially started to learn how to live again.
And so I got to know all the staff and the people and it just, it, it feels pretty natural.
I did the full progression.
I did, you know, full impatient.
I think I was 32 days inpatient and then stepped down to PHP, IOP and GOP.
(03:04):
Explain for the listeners.
If somebody knows who I don't have a clue what he's talking about.
Yeah.
So you come in for treatment, you stay about 30 days and then they say, you know, something else.
Was that a surprise?
Kind of.
Or did you know what you were?
It was nice because I had no idea what recovery was beforehand.
So I don't have any addiction in my family.
(03:29):
First person that I really know or have been involved with that has suffered from addiction.
And so I didn't know what to expect.
One of the things the first step in AA is we admitted we are powerless over alcohol and that our lives have become unmanageable.
And my sponsor made very clear that those are two separate statements because my life was a manageable way before I ever picked up my first drink of alcohol.
(03:57):
So that helped me to kind of identify because I thought alcohol had to make it unmanageable, but it became my coping mechanism.
I was just trying to escape life.
And that was the only thing I could find that did it.
So I didn't know anything about recovery. And I was going through this period of separation with my wife at the time.
(04:22):
And I was staying at my parents' house and ended up blacking out there.
They called an ambulance, took me to Forbes and I was in there for like three days, Forbes hospitals, the local hospital here.
I was there for three days and someone from RCA did come up and talk to me about what the program was.
(04:43):
And at this point I knew my life was unmanageable.
And I did know I was using drinking to cope, but I didn't recognize how much I was drinking even to myself.
So I didn't realize that was causing all of the problems. To me, that was just the solution to the problem.
I was dealing with depression. I was hurting myself.
(05:08):
I would just try to escape life and it was just blacking out multiple times a week at the end.
So someone came to talk to me and that was the first point.
I'm also really grateful because my ex-wife and my parents had held a good boundary when I was in the hospital of me.
Neither one felt comfortable with me going back and living with them.
(05:32):
And it kind of made me face like, yes, I could go off on my own. I still had a job at that point.
But it gave me that next level of desperation to take suggestions.
And so when someone came from RCA to talk to me in the hospital, I was open.
And I decided to, you know, I may as well. Where else am I going to go?
(05:58):
So I went in having no idea what recovery was, no idea what addiction truly was.
And I'm the type of person like, I thought I was going to be here maybe a week, ten days or something like that.
Get the alcohol out of your system, right? And you'll be fine?
Well, this I didn't even realize the alcohol was the problem.
So it was just, I have no other option. Like, I don't like my life.
(06:23):
I don't know what I don't know what's wrong. I don't know how to fix it.
So it was just some lifeline. I was like, I don't know if this will do anything. But okay, let's try.
But whenever I'm going to go, I'm going to apply myself.
So I got there and I got there in the evening and met my roommate in detox.
(06:52):
And he's just spent like an hour telling me his story.
And that was my first experience to someone else sharing their problems with addiction and alcoholism.
And it just made me feel really comfortable.
And I remember when I like walked through the hallways, this is all the classes aren't going on yet.
So it was just, I would randomly meet people and I remember like, what's your name and what's your drug of choice for the first two questions.
(07:19):
And that kind of surprised me because it wasn't, you know, what do you do for a living or anything?
It was it really kind of equalized and made it okay to share your, your weakness, you know, what you struggle with.
And so I just started applying myself and started to participate.
Even when I started to share, I didn't know what I was sharing because I didn't know my story. I'd been lying to myself for so long.
(07:46):
I didn't really know what my problems were.
And the best way I found to figure that out is to talk about it. And as you say it out loud, it starts to make a little more sense.
So RCA, inpatient really gave me that first safe space where I didn't feel that judgment or shame or fear.
(08:11):
Well, I had fear, but I didn't feel the, you know, the more I shared, the more I realized it was okay to it was safe to.
And so after inpatient, they make the suggestion.
Oh, yes.
Yes.
So PHP is partial hospitalization. That is five days a week, five hours a day back in RCA again.
(08:34):
And go home at night. Yes, go home at night. But I went to a three quarter house afterwards.
Because again, at this time, you know, we were my, my wife and I were talking seeing if we would work things out, trying to find the common ground seeing how recovery went.
But I definitely like I wanted to take baby steps essentially once I realized how messed up my life had become and how desperate I was.
(09:09):
It was just about taking baby steps. So it was going to a recovery house, a three quarter house where I was surrounded by more people that I could talk openly with.
You start peeling the thing back.
So I did that did the PHP. And I was lucky because I still I kept my job and was on long term, FMLA long term or short term disability.
(09:34):
And so I stayed at PHP until that ran out. And while I was there, you know, again, it was a safe place for me. I knew I got to know the people and I was going there five days a week.
So I felt comfortable. And as I had that stability, I was adding in a meetings.
(09:57):
More so not because I necessarily needed them at the time, but because while I felt secure, I wanted to try them out and find the ones I was comfortable with find the ones I felt like I could be open and start to find my group of people.
And it was just about taking the suggestions. So, again, going through the whole PHP here. The next step was stepping down to IOP, which is intensive outpatient.
(10:27):
That was three days a week, three hours a day. And so when I did that, I also started back up at my job. That was a very stressful period but ended up as with most things I'm worrying about nothing people just glad to have me back.
And so I stepped down to IOP and was able to kind of further the process at this point I found a home group I did more meetings.
(10:56):
And throughout this, you know, my, my wife and I had tried, you know, we were talking we tried couples therapy.
And essentially just, there was no common ground to find anymore.
It was hard, but the right decision in the end, I think for both of us, the healthier decision for both of us. And, but I kept, I stayed in my IOP, actually, like, I think a month longer than is typically suggested, just because I was dealing with all of that and I didn't want to change.
(11:30):
I think this is an important conversation because a lot of people come thinking, well, I'll just get this out of my system or yeah, and not really open to a process.
Right. That was one of the keys for me. It was like one of the suggestions they make in AA is don't start a relationship or don't end the relationship in your first year of sobriety.
(11:57):
But more broadly, I think that's don't make any drastic decisions and life changes.
Actually, because you do have to change just about everything you change your people place and things. You know, you have to remove yourself from the drugs and alcohol. But other than those changes, it's learning how to live again. And so if you try and change everything about your life, for me, that that would just been completely
(12:30):
overwhelming. And so it was making those changes one at a time, getting used to that change and then making the next one.
Can you take us back to the addiction and how did that start for you?
Sure.
So, like I mentioned before in step one, my life was unmanageable way before I picked up my first drink. I learned actually through IOP I talked to the psychiatrist here at RCA and was diagnosed with OCD.
(13:05):
And that kind of put some clarity into my childhood and growing up.
So that wasn't something you had thought of before?
No. Apparently, when I was seven, I was taken to a psychologist and given coping mechanisms. I don't remember that at all.
But I think it just turned my compulsions from external to internal. And they became a lot of mental compulsions.
(13:32):
And eventually it became self harm.
When I say my life was unmanageable, it was just constantly putting on masks, trying to like I didn't have self worth. The only way I found worth in myself was to earn it from other people.
And that led to a lot of people pleasing and not establishing a real identity for myself.
(13:55):
So for a while I could do that. I could keep it up. But I call it even before I started drinking, I was a dry drunk. Because like I didn't drink in college at all.
And the only reason I didn't is because I was so desperate to control every aspect of my life. I was worried what would happen if I wasn't in full capacity mentally.
(14:18):
So the OCD kind of kept you from?
Yeah, from going out and enjoying drinking the way most people do. Even in the heart of my addiction. I don't think I ever drank because I enjoyed it.
I drank for effect. I drank because it became very effective at getting me out of my life.
(14:44):
I've talked to several people today and sitting in on groups. We're in a treatment facility so people talk about drinking. But a lot of people say I've heard that multiple times. I didn't drink for taste. I drank for effect.
Right.
Say more about that.
So for a while, like through college and even a little after college, I was able to control my life. I was able to really manipulate everything and people please put on the masks and become needed by the people in my life so that I felt like I was worth something.
(15:27):
But several years after college, I started, I didn't really have these goals. Like growing up, it's graduate high school with good grades, get into a good college, finish your program, it was getting married.
It was like these, these steps that I was always working towards. And while I did that, I could try and, you know, white not go control my life to get those. But as those goals were achieved and I didn't have further ones to look for.
(16:00):
I didn't have a clear idea of what I was trying to do. And so that control started to slip. And as it slipped, I just didn't know how to cope. I started getting panic attacks and started some self harm and then I would.
(16:22):
That's when I started drinking. So at one point I did start drinking for taste, but I was the person that I could drink half a beer and leave it because I was still very cognizant of I don't want to lose mental.
And you're you got a successful job. Yeah.
(16:43):
You got on paper a successful marriage. You've got to support a family. Yeah. And everything on paper was ideal, I guess. And yet you've kind of got the secret that you've been self harming.
Yeah.
A lot of that came from my panic attacks when I couldn't control things. And because I didn't have any self worth. If I wasn't feeling like I was earning enough worth from the people that were still in my life, which I was good at isolating so it was down to kind of like my wife and my parents at that time.
(17:20):
Maybe a couple other people but not much.
If I wasn't feeling like I was worthy enough.
So I did not let the panic attacks, the self harm was mostly like punching myself in the head or biting my arm.
Again, part of trying to control it was to not have a visible outward sign. I just wanted to make that pain make sense.
(17:47):
So I started that.
Did anyone in your life know that was going on.
I didn't know until I was diagnosed with OCD. And this happened in recovery. A point of at one point in recovery.
Probably five months in maybe when four or five months in and went through another life issue and had a panic attack and I was in the woods and I walked away and I break off a stick and pressed it to my arm and was about to pull it across to cut myself.
(18:22):
That was the first time I was going to cut myself. But I say my higher power stopped me there. I managed I pressed it in to my arm, but then I managed to stop I threw it away and I called a friend that I had made through a and I still remember when I called him.
And all I could get out was I need someone that knows me. That was all I could say. And he just started talking to me and he talked me down for about half an hour. I got through the panic attack.
(18:52):
And afterwards I was trying to say like, okay, you know, I really appreciate that. Thank you. Like I'm good now.
And he said, he asked, well, what are you doing now? I was like, well, nothing. I'll probably just go home. We'll find a meeting or something. And he's like, come pick me up because he didn't drive.
So I went and picked him up and he walked around his neighborhood for three hours with me that day just talking through everything.
(19:20):
But that event is what scared me enough. I came back and talked to the psychiatrist here at RCA.
And I'm just like, I'm the power of the community that you have access to now. Absolutely. Yeah. The friends, the fellowship, right? Yes.
One of the things that they said a lot here was the opposite of addiction is connection. And that is absolutely been true for me.
(19:47):
And that friend, I met him because I saw he wrote his bike to an AA meeting that we both went to and I offered him a ride home. And then I started driving and do a couple other local meetings.
And that's how we met. And he ended up becoming a really key part, you know, someone that I could call in the middle of a panic attack and help.
And even now, you know, I've gotten this group of friends through the rooms that we get together at least once a month and do a game night. And just kind of like they're for each other.
(20:21):
What could have been a really lonely, you know, it sounds like your life has changed quite a bit. Yeah. You no longer married. You have, you develop support.
You have, yeah. And recognizing, I still say, when I started sharing half the time, I felt like I was sharing the most shameful things about my life, trying to convince everyone else like you don't get it.
(20:47):
This is how horrible I am. I deserve this. And no one would believe me on that side. They just be like, yeah, we get it. We've been there.
We're all the same.
Yeah. They still, um, they still love me when I couldn't love myself.
We all have stopped. Yeah. So that's slowly changed to be like, oh, this is safe. I'm allowed to be honest, you know, honest and open.
(21:11):
When that happened, you said you went back to IOP. Yeah. Were you able to share that? I did.
Yeah, I shared that there and I made an appointment with the psychiatrist and that's when I was diagnosed. I don't remember if that's when I think I was diagnosed with OCD earlier, but she told me that was a panic attack first.
(21:35):
And I didn't realize that because I always thought panic attacks mimicked like a heart attack in the symptoms. Mine don't.
But when she, when I explained the progress leading up to it, because it had scared me so much, she said that was a panic attack. And that's when I realized I've been having panic attacks probably once to twice a week for the past couple years.
(22:00):
And I just didn't realize that. So getting a chance to process it and I could come here and talk about it because if I, if I just tried to think about it, if I dwelled on it in my own head, I would again obsess over it and roll it around.
And I would think, oh, I deserve this or that it was my fault. And it's really no one's fault. It's just, it is what it is. You need to process.
(22:27):
I'm not the one who are guy that was in much therapy before.
No.
Big strong guy. Like, what's it like to go, I'm going to sit through a year of therapy.
It was honestly a relief because before I was very much I lived my life of I need to be worth. I need to prove my worth to the people in my life. And so all of my stress and problems I had to deal with.
(22:59):
I had to internalize them. But over the last several years, it became both with the panic attacks and the self harm and then the drinking was unmanageable.
Like, I just, I didn't have any other option. The desperation was just intense there. There were points at that drinking where I would black out when I woke up. I would honestly be disappointed I woke up.
(23:27):
I was disappointed I had to still be a part of life.
And so I had so much desperation that when I came in here and I honestly when I was in detox in RCA that first meeting. So I came in the evening the next morning.
I went to a meeting and there were just three of us and no staff member. And I remember that was a spiritual experience for me where the other two guys shared first. And then the first time I said I'm Greg, I'm an alcoholic.
(24:00):
And they repeated back, hi Greg. It just kind of clicked of I'm allowed to be an alcoholic. I'm allowed to have a weakness, but it doesn't have to define who I am.
It's really, really powerful.
Yeah. So that kind of like it gave me the chance and again, I didn't know my story at that time, but I said whatever I knew it at the time.
(24:25):
And I wasn't rejected. So it was like just keep building and building and from that day.
I got to be open and realize, you know, the people around me aren't going to judge me. They're not going to kick me out of the group. They're not going to, you know, never speak to me again.
So that built into the group and then the therapy were just more of the same. It was the first place I really felt safe to open up.
(24:57):
I never gave anyone else a shot in my life. Like, I'd never tried to open up to anyone before because I was too scared. And I just assumed, you know, they'd think, oh, you're not worthwhile.
And it leaves me so here it was, I was kind of forced into the desperation of starting it. And then when people still embraced me and loved me throughout sharing all of this pain and all of this shame.
(25:25):
I was able to just continue and build on it from there.
How long did it, I mean, you said you weren't much of a drinker. You start drinking and then it's starting to become problematic. Was that a quick process or did that take some time to unfold as well?
It was relatively quick. I honestly don't know the full timeline myself because like I said, drinking was the solution to a problem. And so I didn't realize how often I did it because it wasn't a planned thing.
(25:58):
It's more like binging.
Oh yeah, I was always a binge drinker.
This wasn't a few drinks every night with dinner.
No.
Leaving two and a few. This was.
It was to escape. And it started off maybe once every four or five months, I would drink to get drunk, not black out yet.
(26:26):
And then when I, when I wasn't in that period, it would be, again, I could have like a half cup of beer or something like that and leave it. And I didn't need more.
But as the unmanageability started to grow and I felt more hopeless, it started to increase. And then at COVID it kind of spiraled because both all control kind of left at that point, but also opportunity.
(26:57):
I started working from home and had much more opportunity to hide, to isolate. I stopped off physical activity, which I used to be very involved in. And so it created this spiral that from there.
So COVID started in 2020. And then I entered RCA in 2022.
(27:25):
And by the time I entered RCA, there was a couple months beforehand, I was drinking like 50% alcohol, schnapps with a straw, two to three bottles at a time.
My goal was to go from sober to being black out as quickly as possible.
(27:46):
So that'd be I could have two bottles in an hour or two. And I just, I couldn't bear my life anymore.
So.
Now, have there been any periods of where your family had tried intervention or why are you drinking so much? Are you hiding it?
I was hiding it. I isolated at this point from everyone except for my wife.
(28:12):
And I was wanting to hurt nonstop. But I even say like, I knew I was drinking.
But you didn't know that.
But I didn't know how often I was. And I didn't, like, I honestly didn't even realize all of the issues, all of my constant tired and the shaking and the anxiety was part of the drinking as well.
Because to me, the drinking was the solution to those problems.
(28:33):
So you didn't grow up with having addiction in your family? No. You didn't see blackout drinking as a part of your experience? No.
No, I never did. And so you're not putting two and two together? Right.
Because I only saw it as a solution. I didn't realize how much I was drinking. I didn't realize the reasons.
(28:56):
And I didn't even necessarily like looking forward to my next drink. It was just life. I was focused on the life and my life was unmanageable.
So I needed to drink. So, but the break that I got by coming inpatient and seeing other people that have dealt with similar things and, you know, shared experiences and just being able to process that in a place where it wasn't shameful.
(29:23):
Let me step back and recognize how much it was all, all outlawed and all of that played in.
And has your family been part of your recovery as well? They have. Yeah.
So I had pushed them all away and I have a sister with several kids and I had just like pulled away for years.
(29:46):
And in recovery now, I get to be a part of their life again. And it's great. This weekend I'm going away with my parents to a show and I, you know, about to spend Easter with the family.
I took off work and spent the day with my nieces and nephew last week.
(30:08):
And it's been really good to have that be a reward of the program. And they're very supportive, but they're also, I recognize, in recovery, I'm able to say things that are alarming to most people that haven't dealt with addiction.
(30:30):
I mean, when I talk about self harm or suicidal thoughts, if I say that to someone that's not very familiar, they can kind of scare them.
Like I noticed that even. You have to have the fellowship to be able to share and be safe. Right.
And my parents are very, they're very loving and very welcoming and they'll be there for me. But they don't know what to do with that.
(30:54):
There's some things they probably don't know what to do with. Right. And I even said that, like, I need to talk to someone else. And they encourage me.
They're like, absolutely, they don't feel hurt, but it's not them. It's if they, they just appreciate that.
And the important thing for families to understand is that the fellowship plays and therapists and people who have the calling to be in helping professions and play a role that allows the family to be your family.
(31:28):
Absolutely. Yeah.
And allows a medical professional to be a medical professional.
Right.
And the fellowship to be the fellowship. Yeah. And your friends to be, you know, these, your sober network of friends to be that community.
Right.
That plays a role that allows your family to say, yeah, we can just be family. Right. Yeah.
(31:55):
And so, for example, even when we were in couples therapy and finally decided on divorce, my ex-wife was very emotional and the therapist, like, went to go talk to her but turned back to me and asked, like, are you going to be okay.
And I was able to say, I know exactly who I'm going to call. Like, I have, and I had four or five people that I felt very comfortable going with like this life changing moment in my life and being safe.
(32:24):
And you've never had that before. No.
Like I said, I never let anyone. I think my parents would have been there. My sister, she and I had a very close relationship growing up.
But I held everything in and I thought I needed to. So, while they, they very well probably would have been that for me. I never let them.
(32:46):
So here, recovery, that desperation made me try in recovery. And it's just this level because, as they say, there's nothing quite like the therapeutic effect of one addict helping another.
And it's really true when you have someone that has felt the same things you're feeling like therapists really help have helped me. There are big part of my journey.
(33:12):
But there is also just something to say about someone that has experienced it too. And like my sponsor has 34 years of sobriety and seeing how he has dealt with the same things I'm walking through and knowing he's done it so well and that it's possible is just really encouraging.
(33:33):
That peer to peer. Yeah. There's something very special about somebody who's walked in your shoes. Right.
They can say things in a way or say things others can't. Right. And they know how to call you on things if that if that if need be. Absolutely. Yeah.
One of the points is doing the step work. You know, step three is made a decision to turn my will in my life. I feel the care of God.
(34:01):
And this night. That's your favorite one. That is that is you can have a favorite step. It is my favorite. I just started step eight. So I haven't finished them all yet. Okay.
So far step three has been life changing for me because I grew up in the church and it was always a part of my life and for a while it was like my safe place.
(34:24):
And I realized in my sponsor help point out is my people pleasing aspect was I was taking the God of other people's understanding the God of the church is understanding the God of the past is understanding and trying to fit that and please that and not letting God just show up in my life.
So he helped me step back and realize that but that turning my will in my life over the care of God my understanding. You know I used to try and just say turning it over to God.
(34:59):
And that always make me out of my understanding because it's a very important part here. When I put God or higher power in a box that I can define that limits it.
I had to be okay with ambiguity and I was anxious at this point it was going on for a while in recovery and I was anxious to continue on the steps. So moved to step four.
(35:30):
And then like the next week something came up in life and I went and talked to my sponsor about it. He's like you don't have step three down yet.
He called you on that. He did. But for me it was realizing that decision. I was great at making the decision. But I would make it and think I'm done. And so that decision is a part of every decision I make in my life now.
(35:54):
And it's not so much a single decision as a way to live.
I have been very anxious that wanting to control life. You know okay I hit my desperation. I turned it over the care of God of my understanding.
(36:16):
And then I'm like okay I feel pretty comfortable now. Like I can take the reins again.
We like control.
That's been a life changing step for me. And it also helped me realize that this whole process, all of recovery, isn't a goal. There's no like I need to make it to a year or two years or I just need to stop.
(36:42):
It's learning a new way to live. And so I need to take away that like end line. It literally is just adjust for today. How do I live today the best way I can.
And I think I met you one other time at our Christmas event. But what I noticed last night was sitting across the room. You and today I've noticed it all the time.
(37:03):
Like you just have this smile that lights up. Has that always been a part of you? Or is this...
It was fake before. So generally people would have considered me pretty happy but I always had this anxiety and this internal monologue and judgment. I felt like I had to be an easygoing person for other people because I didn't want to be stressed for them or else they might reject me.
(37:28):
Now I actually feel comfortable in my own skin. I say one of the things, it took me close to a year of recovery before I could say out loud that I love myself.
And that was only possible because when I was coming into the rooms and coming into RCA, everyone else loved me when I couldn't love myself. And I was sharing the worst and the reasons that they should hate me and they just wouldn't. So it gave me that space to process.
(38:04):
They wouldn't do it.
Well, thank you so much for just sitting down and talking with us. This has been really inspirational. Absolutely. Any other last thoughts you would like to...you know, if someone's considering treatment, maybe they've never been to therapy before, never considered treatment or even really that they had a problem.
(38:28):
What would be your advice?
I'd say there's no hormone trying. If you just give it an honest try, the most you'll lose is a couple days. But if you're honest with yourself in those couple days and allow it to work, you know, it can really be life changing.
(38:55):
And speak a little bit to the families. You said to your family, you were in the hospital and they held the boundary that you couldn't come home.
Yes.
How life changing was that?
That was huge for me because it gave me that extra step of desperation. Like I said, I could have gone to...I'd stayed in the long term stay hotel before over the past couple months and I could have gone back to that. But at that point, like I was lying to the only people I really cared about were my wife and my parents at the time.
(39:31):
And now they all knew. And so it not having a place to go gave me that one more step of, I can't do this on my own. Of, you know, if I went back to their house, I think, okay, it's my power that's doing this and it wouldn't give me that chance to surrender.
So having to face the honest consequences and it wasn't that they were ashamed of me or didn't want to be around me. They honestly just didn't feel like I would be safe with them. And that honest reflection from them let me recognize what I was doing to them as well.
(40:14):
And hearing them say, I don't feel like you'll be safe.
Yeah, yeah, it...and it did let me own what got me there in the first place. Like I was at my parents and I blacked out. There wasn't a...I mean, there was no real...there would never was a legitimate reason for me to be drinking like that.
(40:36):
It made me face that, you know, in the midst of everything when they were there and loving, I still fell to this. I still blacked out. I still was trying to escape my life. And so I needed to try something I've never tried before.
Because at this point I've tried everything that I could think of and none of that was working. So it gave me that kind of extra push to take the suggestions of going into rehab and listening to what other people had to say.
(41:10):
And what's life like now?
It's honestly amazing. I love my life now. Like I said, I have a group of friends that I didn't think was even possible. I didn't think you could have this connection. One of my best friends I met in RCA, he's become like a brother to me.
And it's just created this...I didn't know this kind of life was possible. And now I don't have to hide. I don't have to be ashamed.
(41:42):
I don't have to process things alone anymore. Anything that comes up in my life, I can just bring it to a meeting or a room or my Wii. And I don't have to do it alone. And it's just so freeing to have that support and that help.
We typically end with favorite recovery quote. Do you have one?
(42:05):
Sure.
The longer I'm in recovery, the more all the quotes make sense.
The more favorites you have, that's good.
One of them that isn't necessarily specific to recovery, I kind of have two that I use often. One is what someone else thinks of me is none of my business.
That's a good one.
(42:26):
Another one my sponsor told me is there's no problem so bad that alcohol can't make it worse. I like that a lot too. Because sometimes life can feel overwhelming and stressful.
But even if alcohol lets me escape it for a little bit, it's going to be worse afterwards. And so it's better to face it and have those foundations and building blocks that you get through this process to help you face it.
(42:54):
Thanks so much, Greg, for joining us today.
Absolutely. Thank you.
Thank you, listeners, for joining us on Strength and Recovery Podcast. If you or someone you know needs help, please call 1-833-RCA-ALUM.
We have individuals in our mission center standing by ready to help you get connected or your loved one get to connect to care, get connected to a support group and find that recovery connection that they're looking for.
(43:24):
So please give us a call today. And thank you. Have a great day. It's our hope for you.
Thank you for listening to the Strength and Recovery Podcast. If you enjoyed this episode, please tap the subscribe button and leave us a review.
(43:46):
We love hearing from our listeners and hope to reach more of you out there as we continue to share these incredible stories of recovery.
The RCA alumni team aims to provide a safe, supportive environment for those in the recovery community, regardless of their affiliation with RCA.
We host a full calendar of virtual and in-person meetings seven days a week, 365 days a year, as well as free SOPA events every month.
(44:16):
To learn more about what we do, find us at rcaalumni.com.
Remember, if you or a loved one is struggling with addiction, pick up the phone and dial 1-833-RCA-ALUM. Help is available 24-7.
Listen to another episode now or join us next time for the Strength and Recovery Podcast.
This Strength and Recovery episode contains discussions and narratives that touch upon
(00:06):
the sensitive themes of suicide and self-harm.
Listener discretion is advised.
If you or someone you know is struggling with thoughts of self-harm or suicide, please seek
support from a trusted friend, family member, mental health professional, or call the United
States Suicide Hotline at 988.
(00:46):
Hello listeners, welcome to the Strength and Recovery podcast.
I'm your host, Jay Rodenbosch, director of alumni engagement for recovery centers of
America, and today we're at our facility in Monroeville, Pennsylvania.
Where are we?
I flew in, drove here, but where?
Tell the people where we are.
(01:06):
Basically Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
Little bit east.
Little bit east of Pittsburgh.
Pittsburgh, yes, the suburb.
And I'm sitting down with Greg. Greg is an alum of RCA Monroeville and so graciously
agreed to talk to us today about his life and his story.
And so thank you so much for joining us.
(01:28):
Absolutely.
Thank you for having me.
Getting used to talking about myself a little bit more.
Yeah.
You were here last night for an alumni meeting.
Yes, the alumni.
I seem to be, you can't really get rid of me at this point.
So I still come just about every week to alumni, the meeting here, and it's been good.
(01:51):
I just recently started bringing some other people I've met through the AA and NA into
speak and hear their stories.
Mostly people, you know, somewhat selfish, I want to hear their stories.
So I bring them in to talk to all of us.
But it's great involvement and a great group of people.
Thank you for your service means a lot.
Coming back to the facility that played a role in your recovery.
(02:18):
What's that like?
It's kind of weird because now I just last Thursday celebrated two years sobriety.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
That's awesome.
But it's kind of weird because I feel like there's such a divide in my life where my life before recovery is just kind of a different person.
(02:42):
And so coming back here is natural.
You know, I essentially started to learn how to live again.
And so I got to know all the staff and the people and it just, it, it feels pretty natural.
I did the full progression.
I did, you know, full impatient.
I think I was 32 days inpatient and then stepped down to PHP, IOP and GOP.
(03:04):
Explain for the listeners.
If somebody knows who I don't have a clue what he's talking about.
Yeah.
So you come in for treatment, you stay about 30 days and then they say, you know, something else.
Was that a surprise?
Kind of.
Or did you know what you were?
It was nice because I had no idea what recovery was beforehand.
So I don't have any addiction in my family.
(03:29):
First person that I really know or have been involved with that has suffered from addiction.
And so I didn't know what to expect.
One of the things the first step in AA is we admitted we are powerless over alcohol and that our lives have become unmanageable.
And my sponsor made very clear that those are two separate statements because my life was a manageable way before I ever picked up my first drink of alcohol.
(03:57):
So that helped me to kind of identify because I thought alcohol had to make it unmanageable, but it became my coping mechanism.
I was just trying to escape life.
And that was the only thing I could find that did it.
So I didn't know anything about recovery. And I was going through this period of separation with my wife at the time.
(04:22):
And I was staying at my parents' house and ended up blacking out there.
They called an ambulance, took me to Forbes and I was in there for like three days, Forbes hospitals, the local hospital here.
I was there for three days and someone from RCA did come up and talk to me about what the program was.
(04:43):
And at this point I knew my life was unmanageable.
And I did know I was using drinking to cope, but I didn't recognize how much I was drinking even to myself.
So I didn't realize that was causing all of the problems. To me, that was just the solution to the problem.
I was dealing with depression. I was hurting myself.
(05:08):
I would just try to escape life and it was just blacking out multiple times a week at the end.
So someone came to talk to me and that was the first point.
I'm also really grateful because my ex-wife and my parents had held a good boundary when I was in the hospital of me.
Neither one felt comfortable with me going back and living with them.
(05:32):
And it kind of made me face like, yes, I could go off on my own. I still had a job at that point.
But it gave me that next level of desperation to take suggestions.
And so when someone came from RCA to talk to me in the hospital, I was open.
And I decided to, you know, I may as well. Where else am I going to go?
(05:58):
So I went in having no idea what recovery was, no idea what addiction truly was.
And I'm the type of person like, I thought I was going to be here maybe a week, ten days or something like that.
Get the alcohol out of your system, right? And you'll be fine?
Well, this I didn't even realize the alcohol was the problem.
So it was just, I have no other option. Like, I don't like my life.
(06:23):
I don't know what I don't know what's wrong. I don't know how to fix it.
So it was just some lifeline. I was like, I don't know if this will do anything. But okay, let's try.
But whenever I'm going to go, I'm going to apply myself.
So I got there and I got there in the evening and met my roommate in detox.
(06:52):
And he's just spent like an hour telling me his story.
And that was my first experience to someone else sharing their problems with addiction and alcoholism.
And it just made me feel really comfortable.
And I remember when I like walked through the hallways, this is all the classes aren't going on yet.
So it was just, I would randomly meet people and I remember like, what's your name and what's your drug of choice for the first two questions.
(07:19):
And that kind of surprised me because it wasn't, you know, what do you do for a living or anything?
It was it really kind of equalized and made it okay to share your, your weakness, you know, what you struggle with.
And so I just started applying myself and started to participate.
Even when I started to share, I didn't know what I was sharing because I didn't know my story. I'd been lying to myself for so long.
(07:46):
I didn't really know what my problems were.
And the best way I found to figure that out is to talk about it. And as you say it out loud, it starts to make a little more sense.
So RCA, inpatient really gave me that first safe space where I didn't feel that judgment or shame or fear.
(08:11):
Well, I had fear, but I didn't feel the, you know, the more I shared, the more I realized it was okay to it was safe to.
And so after inpatient, they make the suggestion.
Oh, yes.
Yes.
So PHP is partial hospitalization. That is five days a week, five hours a day back in RCA again.
(08:34):
And go home at night. Yes, go home at night. But I went to a three quarter house afterwards.
Because again, at this time, you know, we were my, my wife and I were talking seeing if we would work things out, trying to find the common ground seeing how recovery went.
But I definitely like I wanted to take baby steps essentially once I realized how messed up my life had become and how desperate I was.
(09:09):
It was just about taking baby steps. So it was going to a recovery house, a three quarter house where I was surrounded by more people that I could talk openly with.
You start peeling the thing back.
So I did that did the PHP. And I was lucky because I still I kept my job and was on long term, FMLA long term or short term disability.
(09:34):
And so I stayed at PHP until that ran out. And while I was there, you know, again, it was a safe place for me. I knew I got to know the people and I was going there five days a week.
So I felt comfortable. And as I had that stability, I was adding in a meetings.
(09:57):
More so not because I necessarily needed them at the time, but because while I felt secure, I wanted to try them out and find the ones I was comfortable with find the ones I felt like I could be open and start to find my group of people.
And it was just about taking the suggestions. So, again, going through the whole PHP here. The next step was stepping down to IOP, which is intensive outpatient.
(10:27):
That was three days a week, three hours a day. And so when I did that, I also started back up at my job. That was a very stressful period but ended up as with most things I'm worrying about nothing people just glad to have me back.
And so I stepped down to IOP and was able to kind of further the process at this point I found a home group I did more meetings.
(10:56):
And throughout this, you know, my, my wife and I had tried, you know, we were talking we tried couples therapy.
And essentially just, there was no common ground to find anymore.
It was hard, but the right decision in the end, I think for both of us, the healthier decision for both of us. And, but I kept, I stayed in my IOP, actually, like, I think a month longer than is typically suggested, just because I was dealing with all of that and I didn't want to change.
(11:30):
I think this is an important conversation because a lot of people come thinking, well, I'll just get this out of my system or yeah, and not really open to a process.
Right. That was one of the keys for me. It was like one of the suggestions they make in AA is don't start a relationship or don't end the relationship in your first year of sobriety.
(11:57):
But more broadly, I think that's don't make any drastic decisions and life changes.
Actually, because you do have to change just about everything you change your people place and things. You know, you have to remove yourself from the drugs and alcohol. But other than those changes, it's learning how to live again. And so if you try and change everything about your life, for me, that that would just been completely
(12:30):
overwhelming. And so it was making those changes one at a time, getting used to that change and then making the next one.
Can you take us back to the addiction and how did that start for you?
Sure.
So, like I mentioned before in step one, my life was unmanageable way before I picked up my first drink. I learned actually through IOP I talked to the psychiatrist here at RCA and was diagnosed with OCD.
(13:05):
And that kind of put some clarity into my childhood and growing up.
So that wasn't something you had thought of before?
No. Apparently, when I was seven, I was taken to a psychologist and given coping mechanisms. I don't remember that at all.
But I think it just turned my compulsions from external to internal. And they became a lot of mental compulsions.
(13:32):
And eventually it became self harm.
When I say my life was unmanageable, it was just constantly putting on masks, trying to like I didn't have self worth. The only way I found worth in myself was to earn it from other people.
And that led to a lot of people pleasing and not establishing a real identity for myself.
(13:55):
So for a while I could do that. I could keep it up. But I call it even before I started drinking, I was a dry drunk. Because like I didn't drink in college at all.
And the only reason I didn't is because I was so desperate to control every aspect of my life. I was worried what would happen if I wasn't in full capacity mentally.
(14:18):
So the OCD kind of kept you from?
Yeah, from going out and enjoying drinking the way most people do. Even in the heart of my addiction. I don't think I ever drank because I enjoyed it.
I drank for effect. I drank because it became very effective at getting me out of my life.
(14:44):
I've talked to several people today and sitting in on groups. We're in a treatment facility so people talk about drinking. But a lot of people say I've heard that multiple times. I didn't drink for taste. I drank for effect.
Right.
Say more about that.
So for a while, like through college and even a little after college, I was able to control my life. I was able to really manipulate everything and people please put on the masks and become needed by the people in my life so that I felt like I was worth something.
(15:27):
But several years after college, I started, I didn't really have these goals. Like growing up, it's graduate high school with good grades, get into a good college, finish your program, it was getting married.
It was like these, these steps that I was always working towards. And while I did that, I could try and, you know, white not go control my life to get those. But as those goals were achieved and I didn't have further ones to look for.
(16:00):
I didn't have a clear idea of what I was trying to do. And so that control started to slip. And as it slipped, I just didn't know how to cope. I started getting panic attacks and started some self harm and then I would.
(16:22):
That's when I started drinking. So at one point I did start drinking for taste, but I was the person that I could drink half a beer and leave it because I was still very cognizant of I don't want to lose mental.
And you're you got a successful job. Yeah.
(16:43):
You got on paper a successful marriage. You've got to support a family. Yeah. And everything on paper was ideal, I guess. And yet you've kind of got the secret that you've been self harming.
Yeah.
A lot of that came from my panic attacks when I couldn't control things. And because I didn't have any self worth. If I wasn't feeling like I was earning enough worth from the people that were still in my life, which I was good at isolating so it was down to kind of like my wife and my parents at that time.
(17:20):
Maybe a couple other people but not much.
If I wasn't feeling like I was worthy enough.
So I did not let the panic attacks, the self harm was mostly like punching myself in the head or biting my arm.
Again, part of trying to control it was to not have a visible outward sign. I just wanted to make that pain make sense.
(17:47):
So I started that.
Did anyone in your life know that was going on.
I didn't know until I was diagnosed with OCD. And this happened in recovery. A point of at one point in recovery.
Probably five months in maybe when four or five months in and went through another life issue and had a panic attack and I was in the woods and I walked away and I break off a stick and pressed it to my arm and was about to pull it across to cut myself.
(18:22):
That was the first time I was going to cut myself. But I say my higher power stopped me there. I managed I pressed it in to my arm, but then I managed to stop I threw it away and I called a friend that I had made through a and I still remember when I called him.
And all I could get out was I need someone that knows me. That was all I could say. And he just started talking to me and he talked me down for about half an hour. I got through the panic attack.
(18:52):
And afterwards I was trying to say like, okay, you know, I really appreciate that. Thank you. Like I'm good now.
And he said, he asked, well, what are you doing now? I was like, well, nothing. I'll probably just go home. We'll find a meeting or something. And he's like, come pick me up because he didn't drive.
So I went and picked him up and he walked around his neighborhood for three hours with me that day just talking through everything.
(19:20):
But that event is what scared me enough. I came back and talked to the psychiatrist here at RCA.
And I'm just like, I'm the power of the community that you have access to now. Absolutely. Yeah. The friends, the fellowship, right? Yes.
One of the things that they said a lot here was the opposite of addiction is connection. And that is absolutely been true for me.
(19:47):
And that friend, I met him because I saw he wrote his bike to an AA meeting that we both went to and I offered him a ride home. And then I started driving and do a couple other local meetings.
And that's how we met. And he ended up becoming a really key part, you know, someone that I could call in the middle of a panic attack and help.
And even now, you know, I've gotten this group of friends through the rooms that we get together at least once a month and do a game night. And just kind of like they're for each other.
(20:21):
What could have been a really lonely, you know, it sounds like your life has changed quite a bit. Yeah. You no longer married. You have, you develop support.
You have, yeah. And recognizing, I still say, when I started sharing half the time, I felt like I was sharing the most shameful things about my life, trying to convince everyone else like you don't get it.
(20:47):
This is how horrible I am. I deserve this. And no one would believe me on that side. They just be like, yeah, we get it. We've been there.
We're all the same.
Yeah. They still, um, they still love me when I couldn't love myself.
We all have stopped. Yeah. So that's slowly changed to be like, oh, this is safe. I'm allowed to be honest, you know, honest and open.
(21:11):
When that happened, you said you went back to IOP. Yeah. Were you able to share that? I did.
Yeah, I shared that there and I made an appointment with the psychiatrist and that's when I was diagnosed. I don't remember if that's when I think I was diagnosed with OCD earlier, but she told me that was a panic attack first.
(21:35):
And I didn't realize that because I always thought panic attacks mimicked like a heart attack in the symptoms. Mine don't.
But when she, when I explained the progress leading up to it, because it had scared me so much, she said that was a panic attack. And that's when I realized I've been having panic attacks probably once to twice a week for the past couple years.
(22:00):
And I just didn't realize that. So getting a chance to process it and I could come here and talk about it because if I, if I just tried to think about it, if I dwelled on it in my own head, I would again obsess over it and roll it around.
And I would think, oh, I deserve this or that it was my fault. And it's really no one's fault. It's just, it is what it is. You need to process.
(22:27):
I'm not the one who are guy that was in much therapy before.
No.
Big strong guy. Like, what's it like to go, I'm going to sit through a year of therapy.
It was honestly a relief because before I was very much I lived my life of I need to be worth. I need to prove my worth to the people in my life. And so all of my stress and problems I had to deal with.
(22:59):
I had to internalize them. But over the last several years, it became both with the panic attacks and the self harm and then the drinking was unmanageable.
Like, I just, I didn't have any other option. The desperation was just intense there. There were points at that drinking where I would black out when I woke up. I would honestly be disappointed I woke up.
(23:27):
I was disappointed I had to still be a part of life.
And so I had so much desperation that when I came in here and I honestly when I was in detox in RCA that first meeting. So I came in the evening the next morning.
I went to a meeting and there were just three of us and no staff member. And I remember that was a spiritual experience for me where the other two guys shared first. And then the first time I said I'm Greg, I'm an alcoholic.
(24:00):
And they repeated back, hi Greg. It just kind of clicked of I'm allowed to be an alcoholic. I'm allowed to have a weakness, but it doesn't have to define who I am.
It's really, really powerful.
Yeah. So that kind of like it gave me the chance and again, I didn't know my story at that time, but I said whatever I knew it at the time.
(24:25):
And I wasn't rejected. So it was like just keep building and building and from that day.
I got to be open and realize, you know, the people around me aren't going to judge me. They're not going to kick me out of the group. They're not going to, you know, never speak to me again.
So that built into the group and then the therapy were just more of the same. It was the first place I really felt safe to open up.
(24:57):
I never gave anyone else a shot in my life. Like, I'd never tried to open up to anyone before because I was too scared. And I just assumed, you know, they'd think, oh, you're not worthwhile.
And it leaves me so here it was, I was kind of forced into the desperation of starting it. And then when people still embraced me and loved me throughout sharing all of this pain and all of this shame.
(25:25):
I was able to just continue and build on it from there.
How long did it, I mean, you said you weren't much of a drinker. You start drinking and then it's starting to become problematic. Was that a quick process or did that take some time to unfold as well?
It was relatively quick. I honestly don't know the full timeline myself because like I said, drinking was the solution to a problem. And so I didn't realize how often I did it because it wasn't a planned thing.
(25:58):
It's more like binging.
Oh yeah, I was always a binge drinker.
This wasn't a few drinks every night with dinner.
No.
Leaving two and a few. This was.
It was to escape. And it started off maybe once every four or five months, I would drink to get drunk, not black out yet.
(26:26):
And then when I, when I wasn't in that period, it would be, again, I could have like a half cup of beer or something like that and leave it. And I didn't need more.
But as the unmanageability started to grow and I felt more hopeless, it started to increase. And then at COVID it kind of spiraled because both all control kind of left at that point, but also opportunity.
(26:57):
I started working from home and had much more opportunity to hide, to isolate. I stopped off physical activity, which I used to be very involved in. And so it created this spiral that from there.
So COVID started in 2020. And then I entered RCA in 2022.
(27:25):
And by the time I entered RCA, there was a couple months beforehand, I was drinking like 50% alcohol, schnapps with a straw, two to three bottles at a time.
My goal was to go from sober to being black out as quickly as possible.
(27:46):
So that'd be I could have two bottles in an hour or two. And I just, I couldn't bear my life anymore.
So.
Now, have there been any periods of where your family had tried intervention or why are you drinking so much? Are you hiding it?
I was hiding it. I isolated at this point from everyone except for my wife.
(28:12):
And I was wanting to hurt nonstop. But I even say like, I knew I was drinking.
But you didn't know that.
But I didn't know how often I was. And I didn't, like, I honestly didn't even realize all of the issues, all of my constant tired and the shaking and the anxiety was part of the drinking as well.
Because to me, the drinking was the solution to those problems.
(28:33):
So you didn't grow up with having addiction in your family? No. You didn't see blackout drinking as a part of your experience? No.
No, I never did. And so you're not putting two and two together? Right.
Because I only saw it as a solution. I didn't realize how much I was drinking. I didn't realize the reasons.
(28:56):
And I didn't even necessarily like looking forward to my next drink. It was just life. I was focused on the life and my life was unmanageable.
So I needed to drink. So, but the break that I got by coming inpatient and seeing other people that have dealt with similar things and, you know, shared experiences and just being able to process that in a place where it wasn't shameful.
(29:23):
Let me step back and recognize how much it was all, all outlawed and all of that played in.
And has your family been part of your recovery as well? They have. Yeah.
So I had pushed them all away and I have a sister with several kids and I had just like pulled away for years.
(29:46):
And in recovery now, I get to be a part of their life again. And it's great. This weekend I'm going away with my parents to a show and I, you know, about to spend Easter with the family.
I took off work and spent the day with my nieces and nephew last week.
(30:08):
And it's been really good to have that be a reward of the program. And they're very supportive, but they're also, I recognize, in recovery, I'm able to say things that are alarming to most people that haven't dealt with addiction.
(30:30):
I mean, when I talk about self harm or suicidal thoughts, if I say that to someone that's not very familiar, they can kind of scare them.
Like I noticed that even. You have to have the fellowship to be able to share and be safe. Right.
And my parents are very, they're very loving and very welcoming and they'll be there for me. But they don't know what to do with that.
(30:54):
There's some things they probably don't know what to do with. Right. And I even said that, like, I need to talk to someone else. And they encourage me.
They're like, absolutely, they don't feel hurt, but it's not them. It's if they, they just appreciate that.
And the important thing for families to understand is that the fellowship plays and therapists and people who have the calling to be in helping professions and play a role that allows the family to be your family.
(31:28):
Absolutely. Yeah.
And allows a medical professional to be a medical professional.
Right.
And the fellowship to be the fellowship. Yeah. And your friends to be, you know, these, your sober network of friends to be that community.
Right.
That plays a role that allows your family to say, yeah, we can just be family. Right. Yeah.
(31:55):
And so, for example, even when we were in couples therapy and finally decided on divorce, my ex-wife was very emotional and the therapist, like, went to go talk to her but turned back to me and asked, like, are you going to be okay.
And I was able to say, I know exactly who I'm going to call. Like, I have, and I had four or five people that I felt very comfortable going with like this life changing moment in my life and being safe.
(32:24):
And you've never had that before. No.
Like I said, I never let anyone. I think my parents would have been there. My sister, she and I had a very close relationship growing up.
But I held everything in and I thought I needed to. So, while they, they very well probably would have been that for me. I never let them.
(32:46):
So here, recovery, that desperation made me try in recovery. And it's just this level because, as they say, there's nothing quite like the therapeutic effect of one addict helping another.
And it's really true when you have someone that has felt the same things you're feeling like therapists really help have helped me. There are big part of my journey.
(33:12):
But there is also just something to say about someone that has experienced it too. And like my sponsor has 34 years of sobriety and seeing how he has dealt with the same things I'm walking through and knowing he's done it so well and that it's possible is just really encouraging.
(33:33):
That peer to peer. Yeah. There's something very special about somebody who's walked in your shoes. Right.
They can say things in a way or say things others can't. Right. And they know how to call you on things if that if that if need be. Absolutely. Yeah.
One of the points is doing the step work. You know, step three is made a decision to turn my will in my life. I feel the care of God.
(34:01):
And this night. That's your favorite one. That is that is you can have a favorite step. It is my favorite. I just started step eight. So I haven't finished them all yet. Okay.
So far step three has been life changing for me because I grew up in the church and it was always a part of my life and for a while it was like my safe place.
(34:24):
And I realized in my sponsor help point out is my people pleasing aspect was I was taking the God of other people's understanding the God of the church is understanding the God of the past is understanding and trying to fit that and please that and not letting God just show up in my life.
So he helped me step back and realize that but that turning my will in my life over the care of God my understanding. You know I used to try and just say turning it over to God.
(34:59):
And that always make me out of my understanding because it's a very important part here. When I put God or higher power in a box that I can define that limits it.
I had to be okay with ambiguity and I was anxious at this point it was going on for a while in recovery and I was anxious to continue on the steps. So moved to step four.
(35:30):
And then like the next week something came up in life and I went and talked to my sponsor about it. He's like you don't have step three down yet.
He called you on that. He did. But for me it was realizing that decision. I was great at making the decision. But I would make it and think I'm done. And so that decision is a part of every decision I make in my life now.
(35:54):
And it's not so much a single decision as a way to live.
I have been very anxious that wanting to control life. You know okay I hit my desperation. I turned it over the care of God of my understanding.
(36:16):
And then I'm like okay I feel pretty comfortable now. Like I can take the reins again.
We like control.
That's been a life changing step for me. And it also helped me realize that this whole process, all of recovery, isn't a goal. There's no like I need to make it to a year or two years or I just need to stop.
(36:42):
It's learning a new way to live. And so I need to take away that like end line. It literally is just adjust for today. How do I live today the best way I can.
And I think I met you one other time at our Christmas event. But what I noticed last night was sitting across the room. You and today I've noticed it all the time.
(37:03):
Like you just have this smile that lights up. Has that always been a part of you? Or is this...
It was fake before. So generally people would have considered me pretty happy but I always had this anxiety and this internal monologue and judgment. I felt like I had to be an easygoing person for other people because I didn't want to be stressed for them or else they might reject me.
(37:28):
Now I actually feel comfortable in my own skin. I say one of the things, it took me close to a year of recovery before I could say out loud that I love myself.
And that was only possible because when I was coming into the rooms and coming into RCA, everyone else loved me when I couldn't love myself. And I was sharing the worst and the reasons that they should hate me and they just wouldn't. So it gave me that space to process.
(38:04):
They wouldn't do it.
Well, thank you so much for just sitting down and talking with us. This has been really inspirational. Absolutely. Any other last thoughts you would like to...you know, if someone's considering treatment, maybe they've never been to therapy before, never considered treatment or even really that they had a problem.
(38:28):
What would be your advice?
I'd say there's no hormone trying. If you just give it an honest try, the most you'll lose is a couple days. But if you're honest with yourself in those couple days and allow it to work, you know, it can really be life changing.
(38:55):
And speak a little bit to the families. You said to your family, you were in the hospital and they held the boundary that you couldn't come home.
Yes.
How life changing was that?
That was huge for me because it gave me that extra step of desperation. Like I said, I could have gone to...I'd stayed in the long term stay hotel before over the past couple months and I could have gone back to that. But at that point, like I was lying to the only people I really cared about were my wife and my parents at the time.
(39:31):
And now they all knew. And so it not having a place to go gave me that one more step of, I can't do this on my own. Of, you know, if I went back to their house, I think, okay, it's my power that's doing this and it wouldn't give me that chance to surrender.
So having to face the honest consequences and it wasn't that they were ashamed of me or didn't want to be around me. They honestly just didn't feel like I would be safe with them. And that honest reflection from them let me recognize what I was doing to them as well.
(40:14):
And hearing them say, I don't feel like you'll be safe.
Yeah, yeah, it...and it did let me own what got me there in the first place. Like I was at my parents and I blacked out. There wasn't a...I mean, there was no real...there would never was a legitimate reason for me to be drinking like that.
(40:36):
It made me face that, you know, in the midst of everything when they were there and loving, I still fell to this. I still blacked out. I still was trying to escape my life. And so I needed to try something I've never tried before.
Because at this point I've tried everything that I could think of and none of that was working. So it gave me that kind of extra push to take the suggestions of going into rehab and listening to what other people had to say.
(41:10):
And what's life like now?
It's honestly amazing. I love my life now. Like I said, I have a group of friends that I didn't think was even possible. I didn't think you could have this connection. One of my best friends I met in RCA, he's become like a brother to me.
And it's just created this...I didn't know this kind of life was possible. And now I don't have to hide. I don't have to be ashamed.
(41:42):
I don't have to process things alone anymore. Anything that comes up in my life, I can just bring it to a meeting or a room or my Wii. And I don't have to do it alone. And it's just so freeing to have that support and that help.
We typically end with favorite recovery quote. Do you have one?
(42:05):
Sure.
The longer I'm in recovery, the more all the quotes make sense.
The more favorites you have, that's good.
One of them that isn't necessarily specific to recovery, I kind of have two that I use often. One is what someone else thinks of me is none of my business.
That's a good one.
(42:26):
Another one my sponsor told me is there's no problem so bad that alcohol can't make it worse. I like that a lot too. Because sometimes life can feel overwhelming and stressful.
But even if alcohol lets me escape it for a little bit, it's going to be worse afterwards. And so it's better to face it and have those foundations and building blocks that you get through this process to help you face it.
(42:54):
Thanks so much, Greg, for joining us today.
Absolutely. Thank you.
Thank you, listeners, for joining us on Strength and Recovery Podcast. If you or someone you know needs help, please call 1-833-RCA-ALUM.
We have individuals in our mission center standing by ready to help you get connected or your loved one get to connect to care, get connected to a support group and find that recovery connection that they're looking for.
(43:24):
So please give us a call today. And thank you. Have a great day. It's our hope for you.
Thank you for listening to the Strength and Recovery Podcast. If you enjoyed this episode, please tap the subscribe button and leave us a review.
(43:46):
We love hearing from our listeners and hope to reach more of you out there as we continue to share these incredible stories of recovery.
The RCA alumni team aims to provide a safe, supportive environment for those in the recovery community, regardless of their affiliation with RCA.
We host a full calendar of virtual and in-person meetings seven days a week, 365 days a year, as well as free SOPA events every month.
(44:16):
To learn more about what we do, find us at rcaalumni.com.
Remember, if you or a loved one is struggling with addiction, pick up the phone and dial 1-833-RCA-ALUM. Help is available 24-7.
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