July 14, 2023 • 56 mins
Hellooooo listeners! Coming at you today with a NEW Strength in Recovery podcast episode with one of RCA's newest Alumni Coordinators - Amber Denton! Amber has an incredibly inspiring story that led her to being a patient at RCA Capital Region, and now an Alumni Coordinator at St. Charles. Learn how she's gone from survival to revival, forgiven her past, and ultimately has become the inspiration in front of our eyes today. Please note the trigger warning in the beginning of today's episode - listener discretion is advised. *The views and opinions expressed by the guests of this podcast are their own and not necessarily those of RCA. These interviews are personal testimonials of recovery and should not be considered medical or treatment advice.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Hello listeners, this is your host Jay Rodenbush.
(00:06):
Before we dive into today's episode, we would like to issue a quick warning.
This episode has themes of physical and emotional abuse, stalking, and depictions of traumatic
events.
Listener discretion is advised.
If these topics are triggering for you, please check out some of our other episodes.
As always, we appreciate you tuning in to the Strength and Recovery podcast.
(00:29):
Now, please enjoy this new episode with St. Charles alumni coordinator Amber Denton as
she shares her inspiring experience, strength, and hope.
Hello listeners, welcome to the Strength and Recovery podcast.
(01:00):
We are here in beautiful St. Charles, Illinois, outside of Chicago.
I'm sitting down with Amber Denton.
She is our newest alumni coordinator and she just has a great story.
She is an alum of our Capital Region location, which is outside of Washington, D.C.
(01:23):
And she's been a real instrumental piece of that alumni puzzle there at Capital Region
and just putting that group together.
But she's just been such an asset to the alums as an alum and now as part of our team.
And so we're grateful to have her and thanks for being with us today.
Oh, thank you for having me.
So how did you end up in St. Charles?
(01:45):
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
So when I got out about four months later after I got out of RCA, my boyfriend got a
job offer out here.
And I really had nothing going on back in that county that I grew up in because it was
nothing but bad memories.
Every road, every store, you know, was just nothing but bad memories.
(02:06):
So I'm like, sure, I'll move out there.
No problem.
So we ended up moving out here.
And you didn't know there was an RCA here?
Did not know at all.
So yeah, I mean, I had that dream of working at RCA, working.
And you know, four months into it, I'm like, well, I guess that dream is dead.
(02:27):
That's never going to happen now.
Wow.
Yeah.
And I spoke to Tammy and she's like, you need to look up.
They just opened a new location in Illinois.
You really need to see where that's at.
And so I did and it's 30 minutes from my house and I'm like, what?
Get out of here.
Unbelievable.
Yeah.
(02:47):
So yeah, that was, that was a sign from my higher power.
I truly believe that.
Oh, that's so cool.
And now you've been with RCA, what, eight months?
Seven months now.
Seven months.
Yeah, seven months.
And we're just so happy to have you on our team for a month or so.
And we're just so pleased to have you.
(03:07):
And really thank you for the work that you've done at Capitol Reven now here.
And the alums are really rallying behind.
And I think you're just going to do great things.
Oh, thank you.
Yeah.
I mean, it's like I said, it's a blessing just to be able to work here at, you know,
just RCA period.
It doesn't matter what location like that was a goal of mine, but I love it out here in
(03:30):
St. Charles.
The campus here is beautiful.
You know, it's a little different with having all the different cottages, but it's beautiful
with the lake and everything.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And just to, just to be able to work, you know, for the place that saved my life is really
an honor and to be able to see the, the patients and to know, you know, I can relate to what
(03:54):
it's like to first come in here and to be scared and, you know, not knowing what is going
to happen and, you know, and to be able to relate to that and say, Hey, it's going to
be all right and spread a little hope.
Tell us a little bit about what brought you to RCA.
Oh, sure.
Yeah.
Well, a lifetime of drug use.
I can tell you that drug addiction.
(04:16):
Yeah.
I mean, you know, my whole life I was pretty much an alcoholic slash addict.
When you say your whole life, do you remember when you first started?
Sure.
Yeah.
I remember about 11.
It probably was before that, but like my childhood was very traumatic.
So I really don't have a whole lot of memories prior to that.
(04:38):
So 11 was when my parents had abandoned me.
They were in trouble with the police.
So they went on the run and they just left me and my sister by ourselves and didn't say
a word.
So that's like where my memories pick up.
And that is where my journey began of drinking on purpose to cope with life.
(05:02):
So that really started the ball then like my grandfather dying shortly after that, I
couldn't cope with that.
So I turned to alcohol and even at 11 and 12 years old, like my mind centered my life
and mind and everything centered around the party.
Like school, nothing mattered.
Just when am I going to party?
When do I have time to get out and drink?
(05:24):
And growing up in an environment where the whole, it's a very small little town, everybody
there are alcoholics, generation after generation, just full of alcoholics.
So it was not weird for a 12 year old to be partying with 18 year olds and getting drunk
every weekend.
It was like just nothing weird or odd about that.
(05:47):
It was okay.
And I was able to do that.
And are you living with grandparents at this time?
Yes, I was living with my grandparents.
And of course, you know, I had the advantage of being there because they didn't know anything
about sneaking out and different things like that.
You know, I would just slip right out of the back door and they wouldn't be the wiser or
you know, sneak back in.
(06:07):
And they wouldn't know.
So that's pretty much how I lived my life.
I mean, even that by the time I was 13, like my goal, my new year's resolution was to drink
a case of beer.
Like that is just where my mind was constant, nothing about just all parties, nothing else
but partying and how much I can drink.
(06:28):
I mean, and that just went on, you know, for the rest of my life and never stopped.
I just started to transfer the drinking into drugs, something more instantaneous.
Are you able to get through school?
Are you functioning?
Are teachers noticing?
No, they didn't notice.
And I would go to school drunk.
(06:48):
But I mean, I would go to school with liquor in my backpack on the school bus drinking
in the back of the school bus, but nobody seemed to notice.
They either didn't care, they didn't notice.
I don't know which one, but no, my grades, I was always like a C student because I never
applied myself.
So I just kind of skated along as a C student.
I was okay with that.
(07:09):
You're just under the radar.
Just under the radar.
And that went straight up through high school and I mean, yeah, nobody, nobody said anything.
I was able to do that.
And I mean, I was, you know, in seventh grade, like the only kid on probation, because you
know, I'd gotten in trouble for stealing and different things like that.
(07:30):
But again, that was something like I was cool.
I prided myself on being the only person in seventh grade on probation and like that's
just, you know, I was hurting.
I was hurting from, you know, the life of trauma.
My parents doing what they did and just not knowing how to cope with life, you know.
And grandpa passes away when you're...
(07:51):
Yeah, when I was 12.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
So that bit of security that you had.
Yeah, that was my safe place.
So I really didn't, I just, I really spiraled at when that happened.
Not just my parents, but when that, because that was my safety.
And then when he died, I just was lost.
I just lived the rest of my life lost.
(08:15):
But yeah, I mean, at 14, you know, living that life centered around alcohol and then
slowly making my way into drugs, you know, I wasn't making the best choices, of course.
By the time I was 14, my parents had, they had come back, they did their jail time and
all that.
(08:35):
But by that time, you're not going to tell me what to do.
I don't, I don't, it's not going to happen.
Like it's just not, you know, who do you think you are kind of attitude?
Like, you know, so that they pretty much couldn't gain control of me.
And you know, by the time I was 14, I was, I want to say maybe looking for a father figure,
(08:59):
whatever it was, I ended up, you know, getting with what I know now is a pedophile, right?
He was 28.
I was 14.
And you know, that was somehow okay.
I guess it got me out of my parents' hair.
I'm not really sure.
I mean, they tried to fight it for a little while, but ultimately they just let me move
out with him by the time I was 15.
(09:22):
And then that's pretty much when my drug career started doing different drugs, getting into
smoking crack and just stuff that was instant, like that instant, that's what I fell in love.
The alcohol took 15, 20, 30 minutes, but the drug that instant high from a drug is where
I was like, no, we're going to do that now.
(09:42):
And then, you know, that just led into a lifetime of just transferring one drug addiction to
another.
It's easier to say what drug I haven't done than to go through all the different ones
that I have.
The only thing that I have not been addicted to is crystal meth, the upper, and that's
(10:03):
only because it never crossed my path.
I literally never met anybody that did that.
So, but if I had, you best believe I would have been addicted to it.
But you know, living my life like that, again, just centered on the party.
I had no goals, no aspirations, nothing.
Just when can I party?
(10:24):
Is it time to drink?
Is it time to do drugs?
I got pregnant at 18.
I had my daughter, which is probably the best thing that came out of that relationship.
Because I was also the first relationship where I was introduced to being abused.
Yeah.
But you know, having my daughter really didn't change much.
(10:47):
I ended up doing drugs the whole time I was pregnant with her.
I was a full blown addict.
I'd crossed that line by the time I was 18 and nothing else mattered but the drugs.
But I was able to maintain that addiction pretty much until I was 40.
Like I didn't, I just.
And you didn't ever go through treatment.
(11:09):
No.
Just.
I did go through treatment and when I was like 36.
But yeah, so we'll say up until 36, I just was able to maintain, you know, my drug use
and going from jumping through different relationships of where I could use whoever
I needed to use to get the drugs that I wanted.
Just you know, total selfish behavior, not thinking of anybody else, not caring about
(11:32):
anybody else.
But again, the party.
The drug.
And semi getting away with it and I mean you're living.
Yeah.
You're not buying bars.
The consequences aren't.
Right.
No, I was totally functioning and I always had a nice place to live.
And from using people, but I always had a nice place to live, you know, a bed to sleep
(11:53):
in.
So I think that, you know, kept me in that false reality that I was okay because I had
a bed and I had a car and a TV, you know, all these material things.
I wasn't out on the street, you know, sleeping under, you know, wherever.
But so that in my mind, I was okay.
Yeah.
(12:14):
Everything was fine in my mind because I wasn't ever looking at the harm I was
causing to my daughter or to the men in the relationships I was with or my parents because
I moved to Florida and my parents moved down there as well.
And I ended up living with them for a time being.
But again, with my parents, I was able to play on their guilt because I knew they felt
(12:38):
guilty for what they did when we were kids, you know, and knowing now it was because of
their own drug addiction, but I didn't even think about that then.
So I played on their guilt and that, you know, they were built in babysitter and they did,
you know, they gave me money.
So I just played that role for a really long time.
And really, I mean, you had a lot of survival instincts that you had and skills, right?
(13:05):
The coping skills that you developed as a child to just maintain what you knew.
Yeah.
That is all that I knew was lying and manipulating, learning how to use people.
And that takes a brilliant mind.
Well, it does.
It does to keep that going for as long as I did.
Yeah, it really does.
But it's also exhausting.
(13:27):
It's very exhausting to live a life like that.
But yeah, so getting in, I just, I never understood until now looking back at my life, you know,
getting into the abusive relationships and I just had no self-worth, no self-esteem,
(13:50):
you know, just full of guilt and shame, but didn't know any other way.
You know, I never really learned how to cope with life in a normal fashion because my parents
didn't.
They were both addicts.
So it's like I was set up from the start to, you know, be an addict.
Like I truly believe I was born an addict, like 100%.
(14:12):
So my drug use, you know, I like I said, transferring all of that led up to me getting, you know,
the opiates, you know, and that's really where my life started to spiral once I got hooked
on pain pills.
I moved back to Maryland with an abuser and got hooked on, you know, pain pills, percocets
(14:36):
and things from the doctor.
And of course I get it from the doctor.
So it's prescribed, it's okay, you know, like it's no big deal that I'm running out in two
days after I get a 90, you know, 90 pills script and two days later they're gone and
I'm looking on the streets to buy it.
And I mean, I did that dance for a little while, but you know, that is also hard living
(15:00):
that life of lying and trying to doctor shop and then trying to find ways and means to
get more pills.
It became easier to turn to heroin really because it was cheaper, but you know, cheaper
and accessible, more accessible, right?
It was you always could go, you know, you knew where to get it and it didn't matter
(15:23):
what time you didn't have to, you know, wait.
But you know, I really think that addiction got really bad because of the abusive relationship
I was in.
I was in a horribly abusive relationship when I thought that the other men that I had been
with were abusive.
That was nothing compared to, you know, what I went through, you know, before I went to
(15:47):
treatment the first time.
But you know, being financially abused emotionally, mentally, physically, technologically, every
way that you can think of.
And that was rough.
And so being an addict and then getting caught under the thumb of an abuser.
(16:08):
Do you care if I ask like, oh, that's the first time I've heard somebody say I was technologically
abused.
Yeah.
Oh, what does that mean?
Oh, yeah.
So tapping my phone, reading all my messages, you know what?
So when a person's the owner of the account, yeah, you might know because you have kids,
but you can, it's like a mirror image to the, if you have another line on the account, you
(16:33):
can get everything sent to your phone.
So every message, every phone call was recorded and sent.
You have no privacy.
No privacy, but I didn't know how like that was going on for a while.
So that, but yeah, so that is not cool when somebody's doing that to you, you know, even
(16:54):
Google searches.
Like everything that you do from your phone, that person is getting everything just like,
it's like a mirror of the phone.
So like, because you know, I would Google like, by this time I was, you know, using needles
and trying to hide that from him was, I mean, I took a lot of abuse from, you know, lying
(17:17):
and manipulating and stealing money and trying to live that lifestyle.
But so that's how I got caught and that's why I went to treatment the very first time
was I ordered needles, like I Google searched how to get needles because I was very embarrassed
to try to go into the CVS or the, the grocery store pharmacy.
(17:38):
I was embarrassed to go in there to get a needle and it was awkward to be like, yeah,
I need some diabetic needles.
I was just, I was humiliated and mortified and I couldn't do it.
So I'm like trying to find ways online to get, you know, needles and he caught me doing
that and reaching out to dealer and I was, I was scared I was going to die.
(17:59):
I was scared he was going to kill me because of, you know, the threats and the beatings
from the past.
I thought, you know, and I'm like, okay, well, he was out of town that day.
So I called a treatment center and got in and I'm like, okay, I'm going to escape that.
And that's what I did for 30 days.
So I was never really there to get treatment.
(18:22):
I was there as an escape.
So I wouldn't get my butt beat, you know what I mean?
Get beat up by this man.
So to be honest, I really couldn't tell you anything that I learned in there because I
was just in there for that, you know, and every day was an argument.
You got a 10 minute call a day and every 10 minute, you know, every day that 10 minute
(18:44):
was nothing but arguing and screaming and yelling.
So I was so focused on that part of it.
It just, yeah, didn't, it didn't, it was there for safety.
I was there for safety, right?
One thing that did come out of that was I got that seed planted of them taking us out
to AA meetings.
(19:06):
I did get that little seed planted of what AA, you know, was like, you have a place to
go eventually.
I'm just going to forget about that and lock it in the back, you know what I mean?
But the seed was there.
So that's at 36.
Yeah, that's at 36.
So.
And you get out and you go back?
Oh, I got out.
Yeah, I'm pretty much, oh no, I didn't stay in sober living for 30 days.
(19:30):
But again, I was harassed.
He would stalk the place and have the girls there freaking out.
But then as abusers do, then he would come and bring them chocolate flowers and they'd
be all lovey-dovey and kind again, but he was stalking me and harassing phone calls.
So I ended up leaving and going home for the Christmas that year.
(19:52):
And yeah, I overdosed probably two days later.
I went straight back to using the drugs because I couldn't cope with life with him.
It was at the first time you've overdosed?
No, I did overdose prior to that, but not to where I've had it been Narcan, just waking
up on the floor.
So like nobody knew, but yeah, I would call that an overdose.
(20:13):
Waking up on the floor a couple of hours later, but not really wanting to share that or admit
that to myself.
I just fell asleep.
So I never really looked at my overdoses as a big thing.
Like, yeah, I died.
It is a big thing, but back then it didn't matter.
And this time when I overdosed, luckily, it was somebody I was in treatment with.
(20:37):
Because I got all the wrong numbers while I was in there.
I got all the people I knew were going to get out and use.
So I had better connections that my abuser didn't know about, right?
At this point, he doesn't know these people.
And I also got a second phone.
So I had those little phones you get from Walmart, you know what I mean?
You put minutes on it, just total sneaking around and still lying and cheating and just
(21:03):
acting like that.
But fortunately, when I overdosed this time, and nobody told me in that treatment center
that don't use the same amount of drugs that you used when you came in or you can overdose.
So I got here.
I think we could speak to that.
Like, yeah, when people detox or when they get out of treatment, it's a very vulnerable
(21:25):
time.
They're extreme risk for death and overdose.
Absolutely.
Because their system is now flushed out.
Yeah.
And so when you use at the same level as your system was used to.
Right.
Yeah, you will overdose.
Yeah, nobody told me that.
So when at that time, it was a pill that in Baltimore, they sold them in, like capsule
(21:49):
form, the heroin.
I'm like, yeah, sure.
I'll do the same thing.
I'll do the same amount.
One whole pill.
Well, yeah, that killed me.
Because again, I didn't know.
I thought, yeah, just use whatever I've been using.
My tolerance is up, not even thinking that 30 day or 28 days had gone by that that made
a difference.
And I didn't know that.
(22:10):
And that killed me from not having that knowledge.
Yeah, I had to be in our can.
I think it was three times I woke up in the ambulance.
And of course, that ruined my high.
So now I'm angry and I'm fighting with the ambulance people, the paramedics, and get
to the hospital.
And of course, I'm not staying here because now I have to go get high because you just
(22:34):
took my high away by giving me Narcan, right?
But after that whole ordeal.
Anything to not deal with the fact that.
That I just died, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, no, none of that.
And then also to deal with all the consequences I was going to have when I got, when he found
out, my abuser found out that now I'm at the hospital and all that, you know what I mean?
(22:56):
Like I cannot deal with that.
And I think that's something that can be underestimated for the helping professions or people who
are trying to help all the other things you're going through and right through your mind.
It's probably not that you didn't want help.
You've got a lot of fear going on.
You got a lot of trauma.
You're just.
(23:16):
Yeah, it was too much.
I was overwhelmed.
I didn't know any other way.
I did not know any other way.
At that time, I thought that there was no way out.
I thought this was just the hand I was dealt.
I think we have people that look on the outside.
Well, why shouldn't you help?
Right.
(23:37):
And maybe somewhere you do, but there's just so much other stuff below them.
There's barriers.
Yeah, barriers.
Yeah.
You're swimming beneath the surface.
Right.
I wanted, I mean, I deep down I wanted help, but everything else in me, you know, just
block that at every turn again, being an abusive relationship that wasn't about what I wanted.
(23:57):
It was about what he wanted at all times, the guilt and shame that I carried, the trauma
that I had, you know, no self-confidence, no self-worth being told every day that I'm
worthless.
You know, I started to believe that and that there was no help for me.
You know, just being brainwashed into thinking that there is no help.
So I slowly just accepted the fact that that's what I was going to be.
(24:21):
I was going to die an addict and there was no help.
I couldn't get sober.
I couldn't do it because every time I tried, I went back out.
But what I didn't know then is I had a disease, you know, and that there was a solution to
that, but I had to put forth the effort, you know, I had to be open and honest and willing
(24:44):
to do things because I always thought, well, yeah, it doesn't work, but I didn't try anything.
I would sit on my butt and say, AA doesn't work, NA doesn't work, rehab doesn't work,
but I never put forth any effort into any of those things to get any kind of benefit
from it.
(25:05):
So I just, you know, accepted the fact that I was going to die an addict until, you know,
I broke away from my abuser, which was the worst year.
Like if I thought he was going to kill me, the 11 years I was with him, like he was really
(25:25):
going to kill me that year, first year that I was out away from him.
And yeah, that's that.
He made my life really, really bad.
Like I went into hiding.
And again, I'm still using heroin at this time because I can't cope with the situation.
I cannot deal with this man.
(25:47):
I'm not even really, so my, you know, I didn't really mention my daughter, but at this point,
I'd let her move out of the house when she was 17.
As long as she finished school, you know, I let her move in with her boyfriend and she
did all of those things.
But the situation at home was too much for her to bear.
So I let her move out and she had her own place when she was 17.
(26:11):
But so by the time I left, I had to go into hiding.
And you know, this man kept putting charges on me to bring me two hours, I was two hours
away.
In fact, I was in where Capitol region is, I was in Waldorf and having to drive back
to Carroll County.
He would put false charges on me to get me to go up there, you know, and face him in
(26:31):
court over and over and over.
So it was a lot of, you know, phone harassment and then trying to find me through other people.
And you know, my daughter lived right by him, so she would relay all this information.
So that next year was like trying to stay one step ahead of the person that's trying
to find me to kill me.
So I really wasn't even interested in getting off of drugs because I couldn't survive
(26:58):
any other way.
Yeah, it was too, too much, too scary.
So I'd like to say when COVID hit, you know, that's when I went back out.
Because I mean, I think everybody will say that, but I'll be honest, it wasn't COVID,
it was me.
You know, COVID just started, but that's not, you know, that's not why I started shooting
(27:20):
dope again.
It's because I could not stand to be in my own skin, you know, and I wouldn't do anything
about it.
Like I just couldn't do it.
I couldn't handle it.
I couldn't handle the guilt and shame, you know, of being so remind.
It wasn't even worse trying to do that sober.
(27:41):
So I turned, you know, to the needle again.
Because in my mind, it was a great idea.
Like what been sober now?
I've been really sober now.
COVID is going on.
Like why not go to Baltimore and cop some dope?
You know, like that to me, that seemed like a great idea.
(28:02):
That seemed like a really good idea.
And I told myself, you'll only do it, you know, on the weekend or today.
You'll just do it today or get enough for today and tomorrow.
And that's it.
I would literally told myself that I could do, I could shoot heroin and controlled and
control it.
You know, another false reality, you know, my disease telling me I can do that.
(28:24):
And then after the day or two, well, you can go ahead and do it the next two days.
It'll be okay.
As long as you stop by next week, you'll be all right.
You won't be hooked on it yet.
And that's what I told myself after the first week.
And then, well, another week, it's fine.
You can stop.
You got off the methadone.
It's fine.
(28:45):
You know, and that whole rat race of lies, complete BS to myself.
And then, you know, within that first month, I was blowing my whole paycheck.
You know, my phone's getting shut off.
I can't get gas.
Mind you, by this point.
Are you living alone or are you living with your sister?
I'm still living with my sister trying to hide that, right?
(29:07):
Of course she doesn't know.
She knows because she's always calling me out for being high and I'm hating her because
how dare you?
I'm not high.
You don't know me.
I am not high.
You know, and I tried to avoid her.
I lived with her for that year and probably only saw her maybe three times because I stayed
(29:28):
in my room.
I isolated.
I worked and stayed in my room and tried to avoid her so she wouldn't see it, but she
got tired of it because I would go out and do dumb things like wash the dishes and she
knew I was high if I ever went out to wash the dishes.
So like that's how she would catch me.
Why'd you clean your car?
Like I know you're high because all you do is sit in your room, you know, crazy stuff,
(29:51):
but she got really tired of it.
And I'm sure there was a lot more that I don't even remember.
You know?
So you know, I was in the midst of all that, I'm wrecking my car like every week.
I had three accidents back to back right before I went into RCA within like a four-month
(30:14):
period.
I keep nodding out at the wheel.
And it's crazy what you'll do to, like the thought of don't shoot dope and drive never
cross my mind.
But across my mind is how can I drive high and not fall asleep?
You know, that's how my mind worked.
And I would go and I would punch myself in the thigh as hard as I could to try to stay
(30:37):
awake as I'm taking that one hour drive back and forth from Waldorf to Baltimore.
And I'm punching myself and smacking myself in the face to try not to nod out, you know,
letting a cigarette burn down and burning myself with a cigarette.
And I still wrecked.
Like that still didn't, I mean, maybe that saved me half of the time, but I was still
(30:57):
nodding out.
But that's how my mind was.
Not don't drive high.
Wait till you get home before you do this.
You know, let me see what I can do to keep you awake and be high.
Total insanity.
So I totaled my car on May 18th of 2020, doing 80 miles an hour on 495 and fell asleep and
(31:25):
somebody tapped my fender and I spun out and hit the embankment.
But that was okay because I still had drugs.
You know, I still had drugs enough.
And you're not getting the police aren't involved with the wrecks?
No, they came.
I tapped that person.
They didn't get damage.
I'm the one who spun out and totaled my car.
(31:48):
But earlier that day is the day that, you know, my addiction had taken hold of me again.
When I told myself I was going to control it and I couldn't, and I couldn't get, I mean,
just crazy.
I'm driving.
Yeah, I had to be at work at seven.
I'm driving to Baltimore at five to get there by six to get back by seven in the morning,
(32:08):
you know, and I couldn't get drugs that day.
And I'm like, what am I going to do?
So I stop and buy alcohol on my way into work and, you know, drinking before work.
And I did that frequently if I couldn't get drugs, you know, that early.
But this day, you know, I couldn't get any and I'm angry and I'm upset and I don't want
to be there, you know, and my mind is just, I need, I need this drug.
(32:32):
My body is screaming for this drug.
And when he finally called me my dealer, you know, whatever, two hours later, whatever
it was, I, it wasn't even an option.
It was, I'm leaving.
That's it.
I didn't say a word and clocked out and I left without ever telling my job anything.
And I went and got my drugs and I went to my daughter's house.
(32:54):
I thought it was a great idea to give her work on her car a little bit as I'm high,
nodding out, you know, in front of her telling myself that I'm only hurting myself.
She doesn't know anything, you know, all the while she knew.
But I nod out with a razor blade in my hand and slice my face open.
(33:19):
It's just crazy, insane things, you know, and then I leave her house and that's when
I totaled my car.
But again, that was okay because I still had drugs.
Called my daughter, you know, she comes to pick me up and I spend the next two days doing
my drugs, you know.
I'm still not worried about what I'm going to do.
(33:41):
My sister kicked me out.
I, you know, quit my job and I totaled my car.
But that didn't matter until the drugs ran out and then it mattered, you know.
And I did, I went through the worst withdrawal ever that I ever have ever experienced, you
know, laying on my daughter's couch watching naked and afraid.
(34:04):
Like, if they could do it, I can do this, you know.
I couldn't do it.
Again, my body, you know, just the way I felt, my body screaming, knowing that 30 minutes
from where she lived was, you know, what would make me feel better.
And I had just, you know, a little bit of a good person deep down inside enough to recognize
(34:29):
that I was about to steal all of my daughter's money in her car.
And in fact, I talked to her recently and she told me that in my mind, I like to say
that I politely told her those things, but it wasn't polite.
I won't say, you know, the words that I said, but I was cussing and screaming and yelling
at her for her to give me her car keys and I'm going to take her money, you know, because
(34:55):
I just didn't have another option.
I needed to feel well.
I needed that drug and write, you know, she wouldn't do it, of course, and thank God that
she didn't because I probably would have been dead.
But in that time, I knew that my abuser that I had escaped from lived like a mile down
(35:16):
the street from my daughter.
And I knew that he would get me whatever I wanted because he wants to be with me and
he'll just do that.
So again, my addict thinking thinks that's a great idea to go, you know, to contact my
abuser that I went no contact and went into hiding and has been away from for over a year,
(35:39):
you know, and I do that, I contact him and of course, yeah, I'll get you whatever I can
get you, you know, and I almost died that day trying to walk because I was so sick.
I had no water.
I was so ill trying to walk a half a mile to meet this man to get Suboxone.
(36:02):
I just pushed my body to the limit.
Like I really believe like something inside of me broke.
And when I took that Suboxone, I felt even worse.
I really thought I was going to die.
And I was like shaking like this and I got back to my daughter's house.
And of course, you know, my abuser that he just started blowing my phone up, like that
(36:24):
was like the worst mistake I could have made, right?
But I did it because I needed the drugs to go to any length to get the drugs.
None of that other stuff mattered.
But when I got back to my daughter's house and you know, as I'm laying there and I feel
like I'm going to die, my daughter came in and asked me, you know, I forgot she said,
(36:48):
you need help.
She's something like that.
And I looked at her and I'm like, yeah, she's like, I'm calling my boyfriend's mom who
was in recovery.
And I'm like, okay, because I was just I was like, okay.
And you know, without me ever having to ask for help, I'm just so grateful to my daughter
(37:09):
that she knew I needed it.
You know, she really knew that I needed it.
And I couldn't ask for it.
I was too embarrassed.
I was too full of guilt and shame, you know, no confidence, no self-worth, no self-love.
I could it was too hard to say, Carly, please help me, you know, but my actions told her,
(37:32):
you know, that I needed help and she was going to get me that help and I accepted it.
And that's when I ended up in the hospital.
I went into the hospital for, well, they don't really detox you off a heroin, but that's
how I was able to speak to someone about getting into a treatment center.
And lo and behold, I was taken right back to Waldorf where I just moved out of.
(37:55):
And that's how I ended up in RCA.
You know, I was so done.
I was so tired, like they say, sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I was scared because I'd lost everything.
I had nothing, no place to go, no car, no money, no job, no nothing.
Like, what am I going to do?
(38:16):
I'm like, well, at least I got this place for 30 days, you know, at least I could sleep
for 30 days.
But, you know, we had to go into the quarantine because of COVID, the beginning of COVID.
And, you know, that was bad.
That was really, really bad going through that experience.
Not only, well, I would have preferred to isolate anyway.
(38:37):
So the isolation didn't bother me because I'm like, I'd rather be alone, you know, I think
most people are when they come, like just let me have a room to myself.
But again, the anxiety came and, you know, getting sick and not sleeping and body aches
and being cold but freezing at the same time, you know, all that kicked back in.
(38:59):
But just something inside of me knew, like, the only way out is through this, you know.
And I started talking to some of the people there on our smoke breaks and when we moved
over to regular detox, you know, my roommate was really cool.
I actually helped her stay, she was going to leave.
(39:21):
And I'm like, but you're not going to learn anything about your disease.
Like I knew something, right?
But I'm like, you're not going to learn anything if you don't stay, you know.
And she actually ended up staying the full length of stay with me.
But you know, I mean, I had my complaints and I had my grievances and, you know, I spent
(39:44):
probably the first two weeks, you know, griping, complaining about one thing or another, right?
But really that was like a mask I was wearing because deep down inside, I knew I needed
to be there.
Because I needed the help.
(40:06):
After within the first two weeks or right after, you know, I started feeling better,
you know, as we all do.
I was able to start looking at myself in the mirror and putting makeup on, you know, and
maybe not wearing the pajamas, putting regular clothes on again.
But you know, I had a couple of moments in there with certain staff members where I just
(40:34):
knew I needed to be there in that moment.
Like something deep inside told me I was at the right place, at the right time talking
to the right people.
And that's really when my whole attitude changed.
Yeah.
Yeah, it was amazing.
I started praying while there was a chaplain there.
And she said one phrase, you know, a lot of the guilt I've been carrying was with my parents,
(40:57):
like holding them hostage for what they did, you know, when we were little, me and my sister.
And she said, you only have to say you're sorry once.
And that was like a light bulb going off for me because I was like, wow.
Because I, you know, with my mother, I used that.
Like I played on her guilt and she apologized over and over and over and over and over and
(41:22):
over, you know, up until she died.
And just in that moment, for whatever reason, I thought of my mother and me, like she said
she was, she only had to do that one time and you should have, you know, gotten over
it, you know, so that would have, for whatever reason, that was like the message I got.
Yeah.
And that made sense.
(41:42):
And I'm like, wow.
Like I'm supposed to be here.
You know, and that's when the, everything shifted for me.
I went from the completely negative person that hated life.
I hated people.
I hated everything about life, you know, just wanting to die to a completely positive person
(42:03):
that was grateful, grateful to be at RCA, grateful to wake up and have another day, you know,
grateful to still have my daughter.
Like I just started to become very grateful and positive.
And that happened right in there, you know, and it was, it was the best gift that my higher
power could have given me was to go to that facility at that time with those people.
(42:27):
Like it was really a godsend for me.
The best experience.
And you got out and everything was easy.
No.
No, I wish.
I wish everything was easy.
No.
It was super easy.
Well, you know, really, honestly, a lot of it, yes.
Yeah.
A lot of it, if I want to be honest.
It's not as hard as it seems.
(42:48):
No, as it seems.
No, it just, I had to get up and do things.
That was the hard part.
Making myself do the things that I needed to do.
Now, like going to meetings was that, that was easy because that made me feel good and
you know, but picking up the phone and calling people was very hard.
(43:09):
Being overwhelmed with life was very hard.
You know, navigating through.
We were talking earlier about like somebody said the best thing about being sober is you
get all these new feelings and emotions.
And then they said the worst thing about being sober is you get to experience all these new
feelings and emotions.
Right.
So yeah, you don't know what to do.
(43:31):
You go from being completely numb to now you are, you know, angry, sad, depressed, lonely,
scared, you know.
Even happy, even being happy was like, well, what's going on?
This is weird.
Like, what do I do?
I remember calling people like, I'm so happy.
What something's not right.
(43:51):
Like they're like, no, it's, it's okay.
It's normal.
Like, yeah, but something's getting ready.
Bads get ready to happen.
Yeah.
Because just being happy for that.
You're on high alert.
Right.
Yeah.
Like something, the shoe's going to drop in a minute because it was all new and it
was scary.
And it took a little time to learn how to navigate through those emotions.
(44:13):
But having that, that's when the 805 came in, right?
I had that fellowship of people and I could get on that meeting at that time and share
how it was feeling, you know.
And service.
Right.
You talked about how important service was right away.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
Diving right in.
(44:33):
So not only being of service to like the new patients that came in.
That's where my service work started.
But getting out and being of service to the 805.
You know, I started the women's only chat and the women's only meetings, you know, and
then I was put on the administration.
(44:54):
So then I'm responsible for posting things, you know, and doing, getting people's addresses
and just different things like that.
That's where my service work started.
But really, um, taking phone calls.
From other people.
From other people.
Taking phone calls for people when they were struggling.
(45:15):
How do you tell someone, I know that's, it's really hard.
I mean, I'm bad at it myself just in life, like to reach out to someone else and say,
hey, I'm not having a good day or just expressing feelings.
How do you go about, how do you go about doing it yourself?
And then how do you go about teaching other people to do that?
(45:37):
I mean, the easiest way that I found, because everybody, almost everybody struggles with
picking up the phone because we're so used to being, I'm okay.
I don't need anybody.
I don't need to share my feelings.
I got it.
Do you think it's worse?
Like, because we don't phone anyone anymore.
No.
Like it's texting.
Yes.
So that's what I was doing.
(45:57):
And there's even stigma around like, right, girls don't call me until you've at least
texted me.
And you know, there's just kind of, right, but there's nothing like, it's easier to text
though.
So if you, I've told people text, text me.
And then once you get communicating through text, it's just a little bit easier when you
(46:20):
say, Hey, you mind if I give you a call or why don't you give me a call because you've
already opened that communication through text.
So then picking up the phone will be just a little bit easier to actually talk.
How important is that?
That is so important.
Person to person, the phone call, the actual, let me hear your voice.
Oh, it is super important because through that, like if you tell me you're fine, I know
(46:43):
you're not fine because I can hear it in your tone of voice.
So you might not even have to say, Hey, I'm struggling.
I'm already going to know because I can hear it in your voice.
It's easy to fit in a text, isn't it?
Oh, absolutely.
Yeah, absolutely.
I have a rule too though.
If anybody uses the word fine, I automatically know you're not fine.
(47:03):
Not at all.
Right?
Like because you know what it stands for.
But so that's usually a hit.
Oh yeah, I'm fine.
I'm like, yeah, you're not fine.
I'm going to call you.
I'm going to call you.
But yeah, that one on one over the phone or on zoom, FaceTime, that's super important
because you can be of service.
(47:24):
You can help somebody without them ever even having to say, Hey, I'm struggling just by
hearing their voice.
Well, you've done an outstanding job just keeping people together and that power of
fellowship I think is really demonstrated.
I love going to the events in Waldorf, Capital Region just because that group's been together
(47:46):
so long and it's really powerful to watch them come back.
You even drove.
Yes, I did.
I'm saying to Arles all the way back.
You've done it a couple of times.
Yeah, yeah.
For those events.
Yeah, no, do we fly in?
Yeah, two events and I flew in for one, I think.
You went to any links for addiction and you're going to go to any links for recovery.
(48:07):
That's absolutely and that's what it takes.
You know, but even like you were saying how hard it is, it's really not because you know,
it's easy to say, Oh, that's too much to do for my recovery to get up and do readings,
to do a meeting, to call somebody 30 minute check in, whatever it is, like a meeting is
only an hour.
(48:27):
It's not it's not your whole day.
It's one hour, you know, but we like to think that Oh, it's too much.
I can't do IOP.
That's too much.
You know, it's only three days a week or whatever it is, you know, three hours a day.
I spent way more than that drinking and using drugs, but somebody like me is very good at,
you know, creating those excuses when really it's really not that bad once you actually
(48:53):
start doing it.
You actually start enjoying the discipline.
Yeah, you do.
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
It's the structure and the discipline.
Yeah, it is.
And it becomes something you can't live without.
No, no, if I go off of my discipline and my structure now, I start to fall back into chaos
and I don't like that.
I like the structured routine that I have.
(49:15):
And even if it's thrown off a little bit, I like, I have to do a reset really quick.
You know, if I get up and I can't do my readings in the morning, like say, I have to feed the
cat first.
Instead of that, it throws off my routine.
So then I have to like reset myself.
Will you share with us, I guess, maybe it's a good way to wrap up or like what are relationships
(49:38):
like now?
How did I know that's not an easy answer or quick answer?
Like, take your time, but like, how did you repair that relationship with your daughter
and were mom and dad still?
Well, my mother passed away in like 2007.
Okay.
Yeah.
So, no, but I mean, as far as letting go of all that hurt and pain with my mother that
(50:02):
passed away, I did that work.
Working the steps helped me with that and come to terms and heal from all of that stuff.
But my father, he's, he's still in active addiction, but we do have a pretty decent relationship
from afar that he's very triggering.
So I don't talk to him a lot, but I will talk to him.
(50:24):
And that's important too.
Yeah.
To recognize.
Yeah.
He's a trigger.
Yeah.
You've done your part.
Right.
And you know, yeah, I'm here if he ever, you know, he knows I'm in recovery now.
And if he ever, you know, needs help, he knows who to call.
But I keep that relationship at a distance, but I'm over.
I've forgiven and I've healed from the past trauma.
(50:47):
That's beautiful.
But with my daughter, 100%, my daughter hated me.
My daughter didn't want anything to do with me.
And that was pretty much her whole life.
I was embarrassing, you know, I did nothing but scream and yell at her.
Was never present when I was there.
You know, my mind was always somewhere else.
And she never wanted anything to do with me.
(51:09):
Once I got sober, it just really all I had to do was stay sober.
I really wasn't working on myself a whole lot yet.
Because, you know, in the first three months, I just had a fellowship.
I didn't join AA yet.
And that first three months out of RCA.
But anyway, my daughter, she started to call me a little bit more and check in on me a
(51:32):
little bit more.
But you know, once I started to do the things I said I was going to do, you know, I was
present when I spoke to her, you know, she started to, it's amazing.
You know, I apologized to her.
I didn't make my mens yet, but I apologized to her.
(51:52):
I kind of explained to her what has been going on with my addiction and was really open and
honest.
Our relationship started to get better.
Yeah.
And then I just, over time, and then once I started working the steps, once I made my
amends with her, is really, really when the healing started.
(52:12):
You know, and I'm glad I waited because if I would have done that right out of the gate,
it might not have turned out the way it did.
So for me, within that first year, just me staying sober one day at a time and trying
to do a little bit of work on myself made my daughter interested to want to talk to me
(52:35):
again.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And then doing that work with a mens, you know, really got the home run.
I want to hear that whole story.
So you're going to have to come back and talk.
I think that's a really interesting part of recovery, you know, with the 12 steps is that
a mens process.
Yeah.
And I think it's, could be a little intimidating for people.
(52:58):
Sure.
So, you know, maybe sometime you would share that with us.
Sure, it shouldn't be.
But I will say I have the best relationship with my daughter.
That's awesome.
Today, it's a relationship that I used to cry about wanting, you know, where she calls
me every day, she'll text me every day, hey, have a good day.
Just to say have a good day.
And at night, love you mom.
(53:19):
And that I used to cry like, why doesn't my daughter love me?
Why doesn't she want to hug me?
And now she comes to visit all the time.
She just calls me all the time.
Just I love it.
It's the best relationship I've ever had with my daughter.
Now, and I, that's all because of recovery, because I'm in recovery working really hard
on myself.
So we always end with favorite recovery quote.
(53:42):
Do you have one?
I sure do.
I have two actually.
Okay.
You can share them both.
Yep.
My favorite is let go and let God.
Oh, that's good.
And just do it.
Just do it.
Nike.
Nike.
Nike.
Just do it.
Whenever I don't feel like doing anything, I will say just do it.
Just get up and do it.
(54:02):
But and let go and let God.
I finally understand what that means today.
That is my all time favorite.
Thank you so much for being with us today.
Thank you listeners for joining us on Strength and Recovery podcast.
If you or someone you know needs help, please feel free to reach out to us.
You can call us at 1-833-RCA-ALUM-AL-UM or just go on our website, rcalumni.com.
(54:29):
There's plenty of resources there, sober events, networks that you can join, meetings, a really
great place to find that community.
We're so grateful that Amber was with us today and we appreciate you very much.
Have a great day.
(54:52):
Thank you for listening to the Strength and Recovery podcast.
If you enjoyed this episode, please tap the subscribe button and leave us a review.
We love hearing from our listeners and hope to reach more of you out there as we continue
to share these incredible stories of recovery.
The RCA alumni team aims to provide a safe, supportive environment for those in the recovery
(55:16):
community regardless of their affiliation with RCA.
We host a full calendar of virtual and in-person meetings seven days a week, 365 days a year,
as well as free sober events every month.
To learn more about what we do, find us at rcalumni.com.
(55:37):
Remember, if you or a loved one is struggling with addiction, pick up the phone and dial
1-833-RCA-ALUMN.
Help is available 24-7.
Come to another episode now or join us next time for the Strength and Recovery podcast.
Hello listeners, this is your host Jay Rodenbush.
(00:06):
Before we dive into today's episode, we would like to issue a quick warning.
This episode has themes of physical and emotional abuse, stalking, and depictions of traumatic
events.
Listener discretion is advised.
If these topics are triggering for you, please check out some of our other episodes.
As always, we appreciate you tuning in to the Strength and Recovery podcast.
(00:29):
Now, please enjoy this new episode with St. Charles alumni coordinator Amber Denton as
she shares her inspiring experience, strength, and hope.
Hello listeners, welcome to the Strength and Recovery podcast.
(01:00):
We are here in beautiful St. Charles, Illinois, outside of Chicago.
I'm sitting down with Amber Denton.
She is our newest alumni coordinator and she just has a great story.
She is an alum of our Capital Region location, which is outside of Washington, D.C.
(01:23):
And she's been a real instrumental piece of that alumni puzzle there at Capital Region
and just putting that group together.
But she's just been such an asset to the alums as an alum and now as part of our team.
And so we're grateful to have her and thanks for being with us today.
Oh, thank you for having me.
So how did you end up in St. Charles?
(01:45):
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
So when I got out about four months later after I got out of RCA, my boyfriend got a
job offer out here.
And I really had nothing going on back in that county that I grew up in because it was
nothing but bad memories.
Every road, every store, you know, was just nothing but bad memories.
(02:06):
So I'm like, sure, I'll move out there.
No problem.
So we ended up moving out here.
And you didn't know there was an RCA here?
Did not know at all.
So yeah, I mean, I had that dream of working at RCA, working.
And you know, four months into it, I'm like, well, I guess that dream is dead.
(02:27):
That's never going to happen now.
Wow.
Yeah.
And I spoke to Tammy and she's like, you need to look up.
They just opened a new location in Illinois.
You really need to see where that's at.
And so I did and it's 30 minutes from my house and I'm like, what?
Get out of here.
Unbelievable.
Yeah.
(02:47):
So yeah, that was, that was a sign from my higher power.
I truly believe that.
Oh, that's so cool.
And now you've been with RCA, what, eight months?
Seven months now.
Seven months.
Yeah, seven months.
And we're just so happy to have you on our team for a month or so.
And we're just so pleased to have you.
(03:07):
And really thank you for the work that you've done at Capitol Reven now here.
And the alums are really rallying behind.
And I think you're just going to do great things.
Oh, thank you.
Yeah.
I mean, it's like I said, it's a blessing just to be able to work here at, you know,
just RCA period.
It doesn't matter what location like that was a goal of mine, but I love it out here in
(03:30):
St. Charles.
The campus here is beautiful.
You know, it's a little different with having all the different cottages, but it's beautiful
with the lake and everything.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And just to, just to be able to work, you know, for the place that saved my life is really
an honor and to be able to see the, the patients and to know, you know, I can relate to what
(03:54):
it's like to first come in here and to be scared and, you know, not knowing what is going
to happen and, you know, and to be able to relate to that and say, Hey, it's going to
be all right and spread a little hope.
Tell us a little bit about what brought you to RCA.
Oh, sure.
Yeah.
Well, a lifetime of drug use.
I can tell you that drug addiction.
(04:16):
Yeah.
I mean, you know, my whole life I was pretty much an alcoholic slash addict.
When you say your whole life, do you remember when you first started?
Sure.
Yeah.
I remember about 11.
It probably was before that, but like my childhood was very traumatic.
So I really don't have a whole lot of memories prior to that.
(04:38):
So 11 was when my parents had abandoned me.
They were in trouble with the police.
So they went on the run and they just left me and my sister by ourselves and didn't say
a word.
So that's like where my memories pick up.
And that is where my journey began of drinking on purpose to cope with life.
(05:02):
So that really started the ball then like my grandfather dying shortly after that, I
couldn't cope with that.
So I turned to alcohol and even at 11 and 12 years old, like my mind centered my life
and mind and everything centered around the party.
Like school, nothing mattered.
Just when am I going to party?
When do I have time to get out and drink?
(05:24):
And growing up in an environment where the whole, it's a very small little town, everybody
there are alcoholics, generation after generation, just full of alcoholics.
So it was not weird for a 12 year old to be partying with 18 year olds and getting drunk
every weekend.
It was like just nothing weird or odd about that.
(05:47):
It was okay.
And I was able to do that.
And are you living with grandparents at this time?
Yes, I was living with my grandparents.
And of course, you know, I had the advantage of being there because they didn't know anything
about sneaking out and different things like that.
You know, I would just slip right out of the back door and they wouldn't be the wiser or
you know, sneak back in.
(06:07):
And they wouldn't know.
So that's pretty much how I lived my life.
I mean, even that by the time I was 13, like my goal, my new year's resolution was to drink
a case of beer.
Like that is just where my mind was constant, nothing about just all parties, nothing else
but partying and how much I can drink.
(06:28):
I mean, and that just went on, you know, for the rest of my life and never stopped.
I just started to transfer the drinking into drugs, something more instantaneous.
Are you able to get through school?
Are you functioning?
Are teachers noticing?
No, they didn't notice.
And I would go to school drunk.
(06:48):
But I mean, I would go to school with liquor in my backpack on the school bus drinking
in the back of the school bus, but nobody seemed to notice.
They either didn't care, they didn't notice.
I don't know which one, but no, my grades, I was always like a C student because I never
applied myself.
So I just kind of skated along as a C student.
I was okay with that.
(07:09):
You're just under the radar.
Just under the radar.
And that went straight up through high school and I mean, yeah, nobody, nobody said anything.
I was able to do that.
And I mean, I was, you know, in seventh grade, like the only kid on probation, because you
know, I'd gotten in trouble for stealing and different things like that.
(07:30):
But again, that was something like I was cool.
I prided myself on being the only person in seventh grade on probation and like that's
just, you know, I was hurting.
I was hurting from, you know, the life of trauma.
My parents doing what they did and just not knowing how to cope with life, you know.
And grandpa passes away when you're...
(07:51):
Yeah, when I was 12.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
So that bit of security that you had.
Yeah, that was my safe place.
So I really didn't, I just, I really spiraled at when that happened.
Not just my parents, but when that, because that was my safety.
And then when he died, I just was lost.
I just lived the rest of my life lost.
(08:15):
But yeah, I mean, at 14, you know, living that life centered around alcohol and then
slowly making my way into drugs, you know, I wasn't making the best choices, of course.
By the time I was 14, my parents had, they had come back, they did their jail time and
all that.
(08:35):
But by that time, you're not going to tell me what to do.
I don't, I don't, it's not going to happen.
Like it's just not, you know, who do you think you are kind of attitude?
Like, you know, so that they pretty much couldn't gain control of me.
And you know, by the time I was 14, I was, I want to say maybe looking for a father figure,
(08:59):
whatever it was, I ended up, you know, getting with what I know now is a pedophile, right?
He was 28.
I was 14.
And you know, that was somehow okay.
I guess it got me out of my parents' hair.
I'm not really sure.
I mean, they tried to fight it for a little while, but ultimately they just let me move
out with him by the time I was 15.
(09:22):
And then that's pretty much when my drug career started doing different drugs, getting into
smoking crack and just stuff that was instant, like that instant, that's what I fell in love.
The alcohol took 15, 20, 30 minutes, but the drug that instant high from a drug is where
I was like, no, we're going to do that now.
(09:42):
And then, you know, that just led into a lifetime of just transferring one drug addiction to
another.
It's easier to say what drug I haven't done than to go through all the different ones
that I have.
The only thing that I have not been addicted to is crystal meth, the upper, and that's
(10:03):
only because it never crossed my path.
I literally never met anybody that did that.
So, but if I had, you best believe I would have been addicted to it.
But you know, living my life like that, again, just centered on the party.
I had no goals, no aspirations, nothing.
Just when can I party?
(10:24):
Is it time to drink?
Is it time to do drugs?
I got pregnant at 18.
I had my daughter, which is probably the best thing that came out of that relationship.
Because I was also the first relationship where I was introduced to being abused.
Yeah.
But you know, having my daughter really didn't change much.
(10:47):
I ended up doing drugs the whole time I was pregnant with her.
I was a full blown addict.
I'd crossed that line by the time I was 18 and nothing else mattered but the drugs.
But I was able to maintain that addiction pretty much until I was 40.
Like I didn't, I just.
And you didn't ever go through treatment.
(11:09):
No.
Just.
I did go through treatment and when I was like 36.
But yeah, so we'll say up until 36, I just was able to maintain, you know, my drug use
and going from jumping through different relationships of where I could use whoever
I needed to use to get the drugs that I wanted.
Just you know, total selfish behavior, not thinking of anybody else, not caring about
(11:32):
anybody else.
But again, the party.
The drug.
And semi getting away with it and I mean you're living.
Yeah.
You're not buying bars.
The consequences aren't.
Right.
No, I was totally functioning and I always had a nice place to live.
And from using people, but I always had a nice place to live, you know, a bed to sleep
(11:53):
in.
So I think that, you know, kept me in that false reality that I was okay because I had
a bed and I had a car and a TV, you know, all these material things.
I wasn't out on the street, you know, sleeping under, you know, wherever.
But so that in my mind, I was okay.
Yeah.
(12:14):
Everything was fine in my mind because I wasn't ever looking at the harm I was
causing to my daughter or to the men in the relationships I was with or my parents because
I moved to Florida and my parents moved down there as well.
And I ended up living with them for a time being.
But again, with my parents, I was able to play on their guilt because I knew they felt
(12:38):
guilty for what they did when we were kids, you know, and knowing now it was because of
their own drug addiction, but I didn't even think about that then.
So I played on their guilt and that, you know, they were built in babysitter and they did,
you know, they gave me money.
So I just played that role for a really long time.
And really, I mean, you had a lot of survival instincts that you had and skills, right?
(13:05):
The coping skills that you developed as a child to just maintain what you knew.
Yeah.
That is all that I knew was lying and manipulating, learning how to use people.
And that takes a brilliant mind.
Well, it does.
It does to keep that going for as long as I did.
Yeah, it really does.
But it's also exhausting.
(13:27):
It's very exhausting to live a life like that.
But yeah, so getting in, I just, I never understood until now looking back at my life, you know,
getting into the abusive relationships and I just had no self-worth, no self-esteem,
(13:50):
you know, just full of guilt and shame, but didn't know any other way.
You know, I never really learned how to cope with life in a normal fashion because my parents
didn't.
They were both addicts.
So it's like I was set up from the start to, you know, be an addict.
Like I truly believe I was born an addict, like 100%.
(14:12):
So my drug use, you know, I like I said, transferring all of that led up to me getting, you know,
the opiates, you know, and that's really where my life started to spiral once I got hooked
on pain pills.
I moved back to Maryland with an abuser and got hooked on, you know, pain pills, percocets
(14:36):
and things from the doctor.
And of course I get it from the doctor.
So it's prescribed, it's okay, you know, like it's no big deal that I'm running out in two
days after I get a 90, you know, 90 pills script and two days later they're gone and
I'm looking on the streets to buy it.
And I mean, I did that dance for a little while, but you know, that is also hard living
(15:00):
that life of lying and trying to doctor shop and then trying to find ways and means to
get more pills.
It became easier to turn to heroin really because it was cheaper, but you know, cheaper
and accessible, more accessible, right?
It was you always could go, you know, you knew where to get it and it didn't matter
(15:23):
what time you didn't have to, you know, wait.
But you know, I really think that addiction got really bad because of the abusive relationship
I was in.
I was in a horribly abusive relationship when I thought that the other men that I had been
with were abusive.
That was nothing compared to, you know, what I went through, you know, before I went to
(15:47):
treatment the first time.
But you know, being financially abused emotionally, mentally, physically, technologically, every
way that you can think of.
And that was rough.
And so being an addict and then getting caught under the thumb of an abuser.
(16:08):
Do you care if I ask like, oh, that's the first time I've heard somebody say I was technologically
abused.
Yeah.
Oh, what does that mean?
Oh, yeah.
So tapping my phone, reading all my messages, you know what?
So when a person's the owner of the account, yeah, you might know because you have kids,
but you can, it's like a mirror image to the, if you have another line on the account, you
(16:33):
can get everything sent to your phone.
So every message, every phone call was recorded and sent.
You have no privacy.
No privacy, but I didn't know how like that was going on for a while.
So that, but yeah, so that is not cool when somebody's doing that to you, you know, even
(16:54):
Google searches.
Like everything that you do from your phone, that person is getting everything just like,
it's like a mirror of the phone.
So like, because you know, I would Google like, by this time I was, you know, using needles
and trying to hide that from him was, I mean, I took a lot of abuse from, you know, lying
(17:17):
and manipulating and stealing money and trying to live that lifestyle.
But so that's how I got caught and that's why I went to treatment the very first time
was I ordered needles, like I Google searched how to get needles because I was very embarrassed
to try to go into the CVS or the, the grocery store pharmacy.
(17:38):
I was embarrassed to go in there to get a needle and it was awkward to be like, yeah,
I need some diabetic needles.
I was just, I was humiliated and mortified and I couldn't do it.
So I'm like trying to find ways online to get, you know, needles and he caught me doing
that and reaching out to dealer and I was, I was scared I was going to die.
(17:59):
I was scared he was going to kill me because of, you know, the threats and the beatings
from the past.
I thought, you know, and I'm like, okay, well, he was out of town that day.
So I called a treatment center and got in and I'm like, okay, I'm going to escape that.
And that's what I did for 30 days.
So I was never really there to get treatment.
(18:22):
I was there as an escape.
So I wouldn't get my butt beat, you know what I mean?
Get beat up by this man.
So to be honest, I really couldn't tell you anything that I learned in there because I
was just in there for that, you know, and every day was an argument.
You got a 10 minute call a day and every 10 minute, you know, every day that 10 minute
(18:44):
was nothing but arguing and screaming and yelling.
So I was so focused on that part of it.
It just, yeah, didn't, it didn't, it was there for safety.
I was there for safety, right?
One thing that did come out of that was I got that seed planted of them taking us out
to AA meetings.
(19:06):
I did get that little seed planted of what AA, you know, was like, you have a place to
go eventually.
I'm just going to forget about that and lock it in the back, you know what I mean?
But the seed was there.
So that's at 36.
Yeah, that's at 36.
So.
And you get out and you go back?
Oh, I got out.
Yeah, I'm pretty much, oh no, I didn't stay in sober living for 30 days.
(19:30):
But again, I was harassed.
He would stalk the place and have the girls there freaking out.
But then as abusers do, then he would come and bring them chocolate flowers and they'd
be all lovey-dovey and kind again, but he was stalking me and harassing phone calls.
So I ended up leaving and going home for the Christmas that year.
(19:52):
And yeah, I overdosed probably two days later.
I went straight back to using the drugs because I couldn't cope with life with him.
It was at the first time you've overdosed?
No, I did overdose prior to that, but not to where I've had it been Narcan, just waking
up on the floor.
So like nobody knew, but yeah, I would call that an overdose.
(20:13):
Waking up on the floor a couple of hours later, but not really wanting to share that or admit
that to myself.
I just fell asleep.
So I never really looked at my overdoses as a big thing.
Like, yeah, I died.
It is a big thing, but back then it didn't matter.
And this time when I overdosed, luckily, it was somebody I was in treatment with.
(20:37):
Because I got all the wrong numbers while I was in there.
I got all the people I knew were going to get out and use.
So I had better connections that my abuser didn't know about, right?
At this point, he doesn't know these people.
And I also got a second phone.
So I had those little phones you get from Walmart, you know what I mean?
You put minutes on it, just total sneaking around and still lying and cheating and just
(21:03):
acting like that.
But fortunately, when I overdosed this time, and nobody told me in that treatment center
that don't use the same amount of drugs that you used when you came in or you can overdose.
So I got here.
I think we could speak to that.
Like, yeah, when people detox or when they get out of treatment, it's a very vulnerable
(21:25):
time.
They're extreme risk for death and overdose.
Absolutely.
Because their system is now flushed out.
Yeah.
And so when you use at the same level as your system was used to.
Right.
Yeah, you will overdose.
Yeah, nobody told me that.
So when at that time, it was a pill that in Baltimore, they sold them in, like capsule
(21:49):
form, the heroin.
I'm like, yeah, sure.
I'll do the same thing.
I'll do the same amount.
One whole pill.
Well, yeah, that killed me.
Because again, I didn't know.
I thought, yeah, just use whatever I've been using.
My tolerance is up, not even thinking that 30 day or 28 days had gone by that that made
a difference.
And I didn't know that.
(22:10):
And that killed me from not having that knowledge.
Yeah, I had to be in our can.
I think it was three times I woke up in the ambulance.
And of course, that ruined my high.
So now I'm angry and I'm fighting with the ambulance people, the paramedics, and get
to the hospital.
And of course, I'm not staying here because now I have to go get high because you just
(22:34):
took my high away by giving me Narcan, right?
But after that whole ordeal.
Anything to not deal with the fact that.
That I just died, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, no, none of that.
And then also to deal with all the consequences I was going to have when I got, when he found
out, my abuser found out that now I'm at the hospital and all that, you know what I mean?
(22:56):
Like I cannot deal with that.
And I think that's something that can be underestimated for the helping professions or people who
are trying to help all the other things you're going through and right through your mind.
It's probably not that you didn't want help.
You've got a lot of fear going on.
You got a lot of trauma.
You're just.
(23:16):
Yeah, it was too much.
I was overwhelmed.
I didn't know any other way.
I did not know any other way.
At that time, I thought that there was no way out.
I thought this was just the hand I was dealt.
I think we have people that look on the outside.
Well, why shouldn't you help?
Right.
(23:37):
And maybe somewhere you do, but there's just so much other stuff below them.
There's barriers.
Yeah, barriers.
Yeah.
You're swimming beneath the surface.
Right.
I wanted, I mean, I deep down I wanted help, but everything else in me, you know, just
block that at every turn again, being an abusive relationship that wasn't about what I wanted.
(23:57):
It was about what he wanted at all times, the guilt and shame that I carried, the trauma
that I had, you know, no self-confidence, no self-worth being told every day that I'm
worthless.
You know, I started to believe that and that there was no help for me.
You know, just being brainwashed into thinking that there is no help.
So I slowly just accepted the fact that that's what I was going to be.
(24:21):
I was going to die an addict and there was no help.
I couldn't get sober.
I couldn't do it because every time I tried, I went back out.
But what I didn't know then is I had a disease, you know, and that there was a solution to
that, but I had to put forth the effort, you know, I had to be open and honest and willing
(24:44):
to do things because I always thought, well, yeah, it doesn't work, but I didn't try anything.
I would sit on my butt and say, AA doesn't work, NA doesn't work, rehab doesn't work,
but I never put forth any effort into any of those things to get any kind of benefit
from it.
(25:05):
So I just, you know, accepted the fact that I was going to die an addict until, you know,
I broke away from my abuser, which was the worst year.
Like if I thought he was going to kill me, the 11 years I was with him, like he was really
(25:25):
going to kill me that year, first year that I was out away from him.
And yeah, that's that.
He made my life really, really bad.
Like I went into hiding.
And again, I'm still using heroin at this time because I can't cope with the situation.
I cannot deal with this man.
(25:47):
I'm not even really, so my, you know, I didn't really mention my daughter, but at this point,
I'd let her move out of the house when she was 17.
As long as she finished school, you know, I let her move in with her boyfriend and she
did all of those things.
But the situation at home was too much for her to bear.
So I let her move out and she had her own place when she was 17.
(26:11):
But so by the time I left, I had to go into hiding.
And you know, this man kept putting charges on me to bring me two hours, I was two hours
away.
In fact, I was in where Capitol region is, I was in Waldorf and having to drive back
to Carroll County.
He would put false charges on me to get me to go up there, you know, and face him in
(26:31):
court over and over and over.
So it was a lot of, you know, phone harassment and then trying to find me through other people.
And you know, my daughter lived right by him, so she would relay all this information.
So that next year was like trying to stay one step ahead of the person that's trying
to find me to kill me.
So I really wasn't even interested in getting off of drugs because I couldn't survive
(26:58):
any other way.
Yeah, it was too, too much, too scary.
So I'd like to say when COVID hit, you know, that's when I went back out.
Because I mean, I think everybody will say that, but I'll be honest, it wasn't COVID,
it was me.
You know, COVID just started, but that's not, you know, that's not why I started shooting
(27:20):
dope again.
It's because I could not stand to be in my own skin, you know, and I wouldn't do anything
about it.
Like I just couldn't do it.
I couldn't handle it.
I couldn't handle the guilt and shame, you know, of being so remind.
It wasn't even worse trying to do that sober.
(27:41):
So I turned, you know, to the needle again.
Because in my mind, it was a great idea.
Like what been sober now?
I've been really sober now.
COVID is going on.
Like why not go to Baltimore and cop some dope?
You know, like that to me, that seemed like a great idea.
(28:02):
That seemed like a really good idea.
And I told myself, you'll only do it, you know, on the weekend or today.
You'll just do it today or get enough for today and tomorrow.
And that's it.
I would literally told myself that I could do, I could shoot heroin and controlled and
control it.
You know, another false reality, you know, my disease telling me I can do that.
(28:24):
And then after the day or two, well, you can go ahead and do it the next two days.
It'll be okay.
As long as you stop by next week, you'll be all right.
You won't be hooked on it yet.
And that's what I told myself after the first week.
And then, well, another week, it's fine.
You can stop.
You got off the methadone.
It's fine.
(28:45):
You know, and that whole rat race of lies, complete BS to myself.
And then, you know, within that first month, I was blowing my whole paycheck.
You know, my phone's getting shut off.
I can't get gas.
Mind you, by this point.
Are you living alone or are you living with your sister?
I'm still living with my sister trying to hide that, right?
(29:07):
Of course she doesn't know.
She knows because she's always calling me out for being high and I'm hating her because
how dare you?
I'm not high.
You don't know me.
I am not high.
You know, and I tried to avoid her.
I lived with her for that year and probably only saw her maybe three times because I stayed
(29:28):
in my room.
I isolated.
I worked and stayed in my room and tried to avoid her so she wouldn't see it, but she
got tired of it because I would go out and do dumb things like wash the dishes and she
knew I was high if I ever went out to wash the dishes.
So like that's how she would catch me.
Why'd you clean your car?
Like I know you're high because all you do is sit in your room, you know, crazy stuff,
(29:51):
but she got really tired of it.
And I'm sure there was a lot more that I don't even remember.
You know?
So you know, I was in the midst of all that, I'm wrecking my car like every week.
I had three accidents back to back right before I went into RCA within like a four-month
(30:14):
period.
I keep nodding out at the wheel.
And it's crazy what you'll do to, like the thought of don't shoot dope and drive never
cross my mind.
But across my mind is how can I drive high and not fall asleep?
You know, that's how my mind worked.
And I would go and I would punch myself in the thigh as hard as I could to try to stay
(30:37):
awake as I'm taking that one hour drive back and forth from Waldorf to Baltimore.
And I'm punching myself and smacking myself in the face to try not to nod out, you know,
letting a cigarette burn down and burning myself with a cigarette.
And I still wrecked.
Like that still didn't, I mean, maybe that saved me half of the time, but I was still
(30:57):
nodding out.
But that's how my mind was.
Not don't drive high.
Wait till you get home before you do this.
You know, let me see what I can do to keep you awake and be high.
Total insanity.
So I totaled my car on May 18th of 2020, doing 80 miles an hour on 495 and fell asleep and
(31:25):
somebody tapped my fender and I spun out and hit the embankment.
But that was okay because I still had drugs.
You know, I still had drugs enough.
And you're not getting the police aren't involved with the wrecks?
No, they came.
I tapped that person.
They didn't get damage.
I'm the one who spun out and totaled my car.
(31:48):
But earlier that day is the day that, you know, my addiction had taken hold of me again.
When I told myself I was going to control it and I couldn't, and I couldn't get, I mean,
just crazy.
I'm driving.
Yeah, I had to be at work at seven.
I'm driving to Baltimore at five to get there by six to get back by seven in the morning,
(32:08):
you know, and I couldn't get drugs that day.
And I'm like, what am I going to do?
So I stop and buy alcohol on my way into work and, you know, drinking before work.
And I did that frequently if I couldn't get drugs, you know, that early.
But this day, you know, I couldn't get any and I'm angry and I'm upset and I don't want
to be there, you know, and my mind is just, I need, I need this drug.
(32:32):
My body is screaming for this drug.
And when he finally called me my dealer, you know, whatever, two hours later, whatever
it was, I, it wasn't even an option.
It was, I'm leaving.
That's it.
I didn't say a word and clocked out and I left without ever telling my job anything.
And I went and got my drugs and I went to my daughter's house.
(32:54):
I thought it was a great idea to give her work on her car a little bit as I'm high,
nodding out, you know, in front of her telling myself that I'm only hurting myself.
She doesn't know anything, you know, all the while she knew.
But I nod out with a razor blade in my hand and slice my face open.
(33:19):
It's just crazy, insane things, you know, and then I leave her house and that's when
I totaled my car.
But again, that was okay because I still had drugs.
Called my daughter, you know, she comes to pick me up and I spend the next two days doing
my drugs, you know.
I'm still not worried about what I'm going to do.
(33:41):
My sister kicked me out.
I, you know, quit my job and I totaled my car.
But that didn't matter until the drugs ran out and then it mattered, you know.
And I did, I went through the worst withdrawal ever that I ever have ever experienced, you
know, laying on my daughter's couch watching naked and afraid.
(34:04):
Like, if they could do it, I can do this, you know.
I couldn't do it.
Again, my body, you know, just the way I felt, my body screaming, knowing that 30 minutes
from where she lived was, you know, what would make me feel better.
And I had just, you know, a little bit of a good person deep down inside enough to recognize
(34:29):
that I was about to steal all of my daughter's money in her car.
And in fact, I talked to her recently and she told me that in my mind, I like to say
that I politely told her those things, but it wasn't polite.
I won't say, you know, the words that I said, but I was cussing and screaming and yelling
at her for her to give me her car keys and I'm going to take her money, you know, because
(34:55):
I just didn't have another option.
I needed to feel well.
I needed that drug and write, you know, she wouldn't do it, of course, and thank God that
she didn't because I probably would have been dead.
But in that time, I knew that my abuser that I had escaped from lived like a mile down
(35:16):
the street from my daughter.
And I knew that he would get me whatever I wanted because he wants to be with me and
he'll just do that.
So again, my addict thinking thinks that's a great idea to go, you know, to contact my
abuser that I went no contact and went into hiding and has been away from for over a year,
(35:39):
you know, and I do that, I contact him and of course, yeah, I'll get you whatever I can
get you, you know, and I almost died that day trying to walk because I was so sick.
I had no water.
I was so ill trying to walk a half a mile to meet this man to get Suboxone.
(36:02):
I just pushed my body to the limit.
Like I really believe like something inside of me broke.
And when I took that Suboxone, I felt even worse.
I really thought I was going to die.
And I was like shaking like this and I got back to my daughter's house.
And of course, you know, my abuser that he just started blowing my phone up, like that
(36:24):
was like the worst mistake I could have made, right?
But I did it because I needed the drugs to go to any length to get the drugs.
None of that other stuff mattered.
But when I got back to my daughter's house and you know, as I'm laying there and I feel
like I'm going to die, my daughter came in and asked me, you know, I forgot she said,
(36:48):
you need help.
She's something like that.
And I looked at her and I'm like, yeah, she's like, I'm calling my boyfriend's mom who
was in recovery.
And I'm like, okay, because I was just I was like, okay.
And you know, without me ever having to ask for help, I'm just so grateful to my daughter
(37:09):
that she knew I needed it.
You know, she really knew that I needed it.
And I couldn't ask for it.
I was too embarrassed.
I was too full of guilt and shame, you know, no confidence, no self-worth, no self-love.
I could it was too hard to say, Carly, please help me, you know, but my actions told her,
(37:32):
you know, that I needed help and she was going to get me that help and I accepted it.
And that's when I ended up in the hospital.
I went into the hospital for, well, they don't really detox you off a heroin, but that's
how I was able to speak to someone about getting into a treatment center.
And lo and behold, I was taken right back to Waldorf where I just moved out of.
(37:55):
And that's how I ended up in RCA.
You know, I was so done.
I was so tired, like they say, sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I was scared because I'd lost everything.
I had nothing, no place to go, no car, no money, no job, no nothing.
Like, what am I going to do?
(38:16):
I'm like, well, at least I got this place for 30 days, you know, at least I could sleep
for 30 days.
But, you know, we had to go into the quarantine because of COVID, the beginning of COVID.
And, you know, that was bad.
That was really, really bad going through that experience.
Not only, well, I would have preferred to isolate anyway.
(38:37):
So the isolation didn't bother me because I'm like, I'd rather be alone, you know, I think
most people are when they come, like just let me have a room to myself.
But again, the anxiety came and, you know, getting sick and not sleeping and body aches
and being cold but freezing at the same time, you know, all that kicked back in.
(38:59):
But just something inside of me knew, like, the only way out is through this, you know.
And I started talking to some of the people there on our smoke breaks and when we moved
over to regular detox, you know, my roommate was really cool.
I actually helped her stay, she was going to leave.
(39:21):
And I'm like, but you're not going to learn anything about your disease.
Like I knew something, right?
But I'm like, you're not going to learn anything if you don't stay, you know.
And she actually ended up staying the full length of stay with me.
But you know, I mean, I had my complaints and I had my grievances and, you know, I spent
(39:44):
probably the first two weeks, you know, griping, complaining about one thing or another, right?
But really that was like a mask I was wearing because deep down inside, I knew I needed
to be there.
Because I needed the help.
(40:06):
After within the first two weeks or right after, you know, I started feeling better,
you know, as we all do.
I was able to start looking at myself in the mirror and putting makeup on, you know, and
maybe not wearing the pajamas, putting regular clothes on again.
But you know, I had a couple of moments in there with certain staff members where I just
(40:34):
knew I needed to be there in that moment.
Like something deep inside told me I was at the right place, at the right time talking
to the right people.
And that's really when my whole attitude changed.
Yeah.
Yeah, it was amazing.
I started praying while there was a chaplain there.
And she said one phrase, you know, a lot of the guilt I've been carrying was with my parents,
(40:57):
like holding them hostage for what they did, you know, when we were little, me and my sister.
And she said, you only have to say you're sorry once.
And that was like a light bulb going off for me because I was like, wow.
Because I, you know, with my mother, I used that.
Like I played on her guilt and she apologized over and over and over and over and over and
(41:22):
over, you know, up until she died.
And just in that moment, for whatever reason, I thought of my mother and me, like she said
she was, she only had to do that one time and you should have, you know, gotten over
it, you know, so that would have, for whatever reason, that was like the message I got.
Yeah.
And that made sense.
(41:42):
And I'm like, wow.
Like I'm supposed to be here.
You know, and that's when the, everything shifted for me.
I went from the completely negative person that hated life.
I hated people.
I hated everything about life, you know, just wanting to die to a completely positive person
(42:03):
that was grateful, grateful to be at RCA, grateful to wake up and have another day, you know,
grateful to still have my daughter.
Like I just started to become very grateful and positive.
And that happened right in there, you know, and it was, it was the best gift that my higher
power could have given me was to go to that facility at that time with those people.
(42:27):
Like it was really a godsend for me.
The best experience.
And you got out and everything was easy.
No.
No, I wish.
I wish everything was easy.
No.
It was super easy.
Well, you know, really, honestly, a lot of it, yes.
Yeah.
A lot of it, if I want to be honest.
It's not as hard as it seems.
(42:48):
No, as it seems.
No, it just, I had to get up and do things.
That was the hard part.
Making myself do the things that I needed to do.
Now, like going to meetings was that, that was easy because that made me feel good and
you know, but picking up the phone and calling people was very hard.
(43:09):
Being overwhelmed with life was very hard.
You know, navigating through.
We were talking earlier about like somebody said the best thing about being sober is you
get all these new feelings and emotions.
And then they said the worst thing about being sober is you get to experience all these new
feelings and emotions.
Right.
So yeah, you don't know what to do.
(43:31):
You go from being completely numb to now you are, you know, angry, sad, depressed, lonely,
scared, you know.
Even happy, even being happy was like, well, what's going on?
This is weird.
Like, what do I do?
I remember calling people like, I'm so happy.
What something's not right.
(43:51):
Like they're like, no, it's, it's okay.
It's normal.
Like, yeah, but something's getting ready.
Bads get ready to happen.
Yeah.
Because just being happy for that.
You're on high alert.
Right.
Yeah.
Like something, the shoe's going to drop in a minute because it was all new and it
was scary.
And it took a little time to learn how to navigate through those emotions.
(44:13):
But having that, that's when the 805 came in, right?
I had that fellowship of people and I could get on that meeting at that time and share
how it was feeling, you know.
And service.
Right.
You talked about how important service was right away.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
Diving right in.
(44:33):
So not only being of service to like the new patients that came in.
That's where my service work started.
But getting out and being of service to the 805.
You know, I started the women's only chat and the women's only meetings, you know, and
then I was put on the administration.
(44:54):
So then I'm responsible for posting things, you know, and doing, getting people's addresses
and just different things like that.
That's where my service work started.
But really, um, taking phone calls.
From other people.
From other people.
Taking phone calls for people when they were struggling.
(45:15):
How do you tell someone, I know that's, it's really hard.
I mean, I'm bad at it myself just in life, like to reach out to someone else and say,
hey, I'm not having a good day or just expressing feelings.
How do you go about, how do you go about doing it yourself?
And then how do you go about teaching other people to do that?
(45:37):
I mean, the easiest way that I found, because everybody, almost everybody struggles with
picking up the phone because we're so used to being, I'm okay.
I don't need anybody.
I don't need to share my feelings.
I got it.
Do you think it's worse?
Like, because we don't phone anyone anymore.
No.
Like it's texting.
Yes.
So that's what I was doing.
(45:57):
And there's even stigma around like, right, girls don't call me until you've at least
texted me.
And you know, there's just kind of, right, but there's nothing like, it's easier to text
though.
So if you, I've told people text, text me.
And then once you get communicating through text, it's just a little bit easier when you
(46:20):
say, Hey, you mind if I give you a call or why don't you give me a call because you've
already opened that communication through text.
So then picking up the phone will be just a little bit easier to actually talk.
How important is that?
That is so important.
Person to person, the phone call, the actual, let me hear your voice.
Oh, it is super important because through that, like if you tell me you're fine, I know
(46:43):
you're not fine because I can hear it in your tone of voice.
So you might not even have to say, Hey, I'm struggling.
I'm already going to know because I can hear it in your voice.
It's easy to fit in a text, isn't it?
Oh, absolutely.
Yeah, absolutely.
I have a rule too though.
If anybody uses the word fine, I automatically know you're not fine.
(47:03):
Not at all.
Right?
Like because you know what it stands for.
But so that's usually a hit.
Oh yeah, I'm fine.
I'm like, yeah, you're not fine.
I'm going to call you.
I'm going to call you.
But yeah, that one on one over the phone or on zoom, FaceTime, that's super important
because you can be of service.
(47:24):
You can help somebody without them ever even having to say, Hey, I'm struggling just by
hearing their voice.
Well, you've done an outstanding job just keeping people together and that power of
fellowship I think is really demonstrated.
I love going to the events in Waldorf, Capital Region just because that group's been together
(47:46):
so long and it's really powerful to watch them come back.
You even drove.
Yes, I did.
I'm saying to Arles all the way back.
You've done it a couple of times.
Yeah, yeah.
For those events.
Yeah, no, do we fly in?
Yeah, two events and I flew in for one, I think.
You went to any links for addiction and you're going to go to any links for recovery.
(48:07):
That's absolutely and that's what it takes.
You know, but even like you were saying how hard it is, it's really not because you know,
it's easy to say, Oh, that's too much to do for my recovery to get up and do readings,
to do a meeting, to call somebody 30 minute check in, whatever it is, like a meeting is
only an hour.
(48:27):
It's not it's not your whole day.
It's one hour, you know, but we like to think that Oh, it's too much.
I can't do IOP.
That's too much.
You know, it's only three days a week or whatever it is, you know, three hours a day.
I spent way more than that drinking and using drugs, but somebody like me is very good at,
you know, creating those excuses when really it's really not that bad once you actually
(48:53):
start doing it.
You actually start enjoying the discipline.
Yeah, you do.
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
It's the structure and the discipline.
Yeah, it is.
And it becomes something you can't live without.
No, no, if I go off of my discipline and my structure now, I start to fall back into chaos
and I don't like that.
I like the structured routine that I have.
(49:15):
And even if it's thrown off a little bit, I like, I have to do a reset really quick.
You know, if I get up and I can't do my readings in the morning, like say, I have to feed the
cat first.
Instead of that, it throws off my routine.
So then I have to like reset myself.
Will you share with us, I guess, maybe it's a good way to wrap up or like what are relationships
(49:38):
like now?
How did I know that's not an easy answer or quick answer?
Like, take your time, but like, how did you repair that relationship with your daughter
and were mom and dad still?
Well, my mother passed away in like 2007.
Okay.
Yeah.
So, no, but I mean, as far as letting go of all that hurt and pain with my mother that
(50:02):
passed away, I did that work.
Working the steps helped me with that and come to terms and heal from all of that stuff.
But my father, he's, he's still in active addiction, but we do have a pretty decent relationship
from afar that he's very triggering.
So I don't talk to him a lot, but I will talk to him.
(50:24):
And that's important too.
Yeah.
To recognize.
Yeah.
He's a trigger.
Yeah.
You've done your part.
Right.
And you know, yeah, I'm here if he ever, you know, he knows I'm in recovery now.
And if he ever, you know, needs help, he knows who to call.
But I keep that relationship at a distance, but I'm over.
I've forgiven and I've healed from the past trauma.
(50:47):
That's beautiful.
But with my daughter, 100%, my daughter hated me.
My daughter didn't want anything to do with me.
And that was pretty much her whole life.
I was embarrassing, you know, I did nothing but scream and yell at her.
Was never present when I was there.
You know, my mind was always somewhere else.
And she never wanted anything to do with me.
(51:09):
Once I got sober, it just really all I had to do was stay sober.
I really wasn't working on myself a whole lot yet.
Because, you know, in the first three months, I just had a fellowship.
I didn't join AA yet.
And that first three months out of RCA.
But anyway, my daughter, she started to call me a little bit more and check in on me a
(51:32):
little bit more.
But you know, once I started to do the things I said I was going to do, you know, I was
present when I spoke to her, you know, she started to, it's amazing.
You know, I apologized to her.
I didn't make my mens yet, but I apologized to her.
(51:52):
I kind of explained to her what has been going on with my addiction and was really open and
honest.
Our relationship started to get better.
Yeah.
And then I just, over time, and then once I started working the steps, once I made my
amends with her, is really, really when the healing started.
(52:12):
You know, and I'm glad I waited because if I would have done that right out of the gate,
it might not have turned out the way it did.
So for me, within that first year, just me staying sober one day at a time and trying
to do a little bit of work on myself made my daughter interested to want to talk to me
(52:35):
again.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And then doing that work with a mens, you know, really got the home run.
I want to hear that whole story.
So you're going to have to come back and talk.
I think that's a really interesting part of recovery, you know, with the 12 steps is that
a mens process.
Yeah.
And I think it's, could be a little intimidating for people.
(52:58):
Sure.
So, you know, maybe sometime you would share that with us.
Sure, it shouldn't be.
But I will say I have the best relationship with my daughter.
That's awesome.
Today, it's a relationship that I used to cry about wanting, you know, where she calls
me every day, she'll text me every day, hey, have a good day.
Just to say have a good day.
And at night, love you mom.
(53:19):
And that I used to cry like, why doesn't my daughter love me?
Why doesn't she want to hug me?
And now she comes to visit all the time.
She just calls me all the time.
Just I love it.
It's the best relationship I've ever had with my daughter.
Now, and I, that's all because of recovery, because I'm in recovery working really hard
on myself.
So we always end with favorite recovery quote.
(53:42):
Do you have one?
I sure do.
I have two actually.
Okay.
You can share them both.
Yep.
My favorite is let go and let God.
Oh, that's good.
And just do it.
Just do it.
Nike.
Nike.
Nike.
Just do it.
Whenever I don't feel like doing anything, I will say just do it.
Just get up and do it.
(54:02):
But and let go and let God.
I finally understand what that means today.
That is my all time favorite.
Thank you so much for being with us today.
Thank you listeners for joining us on Strength and Recovery podcast.
If you or someone you know needs help, please feel free to reach out to us.
You can call us at 1-833-RCA-ALUM-AL-UM or just go on our website, rcalumni.com.
(54:29):
There's plenty of resources there, sober events, networks that you can join, meetings, a really
great place to find that community.
We're so grateful that Amber was with us today and we appreciate you very much.
Have a great day.
(54:52):
Thank you for listening to the Strength and Recovery podcast.
If you enjoyed this episode, please tap the subscribe button and leave us a review.
We love hearing from our listeners and hope to reach more of you out there as we continue
to share these incredible stories of recovery.
The RCA alumni team aims to provide a safe, supportive environment for those in the recovery
(55:16):
community regardless of their affiliation with RCA.
We host a full calendar of virtual and in-person meetings seven days a week, 365 days a year,
as well as free sober events every month.
To learn more about what we do, find us at rcalumni.com.
(55:37):
Remember, if you or a loved one is struggling with addiction, pick up the phone and dial
1-833-RCA-ALUMN.
Help is available 24-7.
Come to another episode now or join us next time for the Strength and Recovery podcast.
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