October 11, 2024 • 52 mins
In this episode of Sturdy Girl, host Jess welcomes guest Dana Donnelly, a podcast host, motivational speaker, and author, to discuss empowerment and authentic living. Dana shares her journey from an abusive relationship to self-discovery and personal growth, emphasizing the importance of creating a supportive community for women, especially entrepreneurs. They delve into concepts like 'driftwood' and 'expanders'—terms for seeing others' success as inspiration rather than competition. Dana highlights daily practices like journaling and setting intentions as tools for self-love and accountability. The conversation also touches on the significance of gratitude, mindfulness, and maintaining a positive mindset for achieving personal goals. Dana reinforces building a relationship with oneself through solitude and reflection, offering practical tips like creating a joy list and taking oneself on solo dates. The episode closes with a discussion on redefining self-love and authenticity, encouraging listeners to pursue personal development while maintaining self-compassion.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:07):
Hello friends and welcome back to Sturdy Girl.
We are on episode 42.
I'm your host, jess.
I can't believe how fast theseason already seems to be going
by, but we have had wonderfulguests so far.
I have so many more coming foryou.
I'm working on a few soloepisodes, but I hope your fall
is off to a great start.
(00:28):
We do have sweatshirts back upon the website if you want to go
sturdygirlco slash merch.
Those are there with our radtiger illustration on the back
and strength out size.
So check those out.
But today's guest friends, weare going to talk the joys of
podcasting, personal development, but also a couple of content
(00:50):
warnings.
You will notice the little Enext to this episode gets a
little spicy.
There's a few F-bombs, so ifyour kids are listening maybe
you know put the headphones in.
And also just a couple oftrigger warnings.
We do talk about abusiverelationships and coming out of
that.
All good things, nothing bad.
But just a little bit ofwarning.
If there are some sensitivitiesthere, maybe hit fast forward
(01:13):
through the first like sevenminutes of the episode.
So those are your warnings.
Now let me give a little introto Dana.
She does give her own intro,which is pretty great.
She is an entrepreneur in thepersonal development world,
podcast host, motivationalspeaker, working on great
networking events, soon to beauthor and journal creator and
she does talk about the journalthat she's created in this
(01:35):
episode too.
Her main mission is helpingother people with her signature,
dana kick in the ass, somethingshe talks about often on her
podcast.
So let me stop talking abouther and let her do all the
talking.
Here's episode 42.
I realized before hittingrecord that every time I
introduce a guest, I say here'sanother amazing guest, another
(01:58):
exciting guest.
I have another fellow sturdyhuman to chat about.
All kinds of amazing things.
Dana hello, thanks for joiningus.
Speaker 2 (02:06):
Hey, I'm so excited to be here.
So, as Jess already said, myname is Dana.
I am a podcast host,motivational speaker soon to be,
author all the things I have,my own community as well, but
really I'm just a woman fromPhilly on a mission to teach
people to unleash their innerbadass through everything that I
do, even my little social mediaposts.
(02:28):
I am super excited to be herebecause our missions are
definitely aligned and just wantto thank you for the
opportunity.
Speaker 1 (02:35):
Yeah, thanks for being here.
I love chatting, all things,podcasting, so thank you for I'm
going to say commiserating onall of the background stuff that
goes into podcasting.
But no, this is awesome, I wantto know more about what you do.
So you mentioned author,obviously podcaster, which we
can get to, but just thecommunity piece, and then do you
coach?
Like, tell me more about that.
Speaker 2 (02:56):
What I do with my community.
I just started my community inJanuary, so technically I
already had a podcast community,but I recently rebranded to be
Inner Van Ass Reborn because Icreated my community where I
host events.
Right now there's still smallerevents, local, technically
networking events.
My community is mainly womenEveryone's welcome but it's
(03:19):
mainly women who areentrepreneurs, business owners,
aspiring entrepreneurs orbusiness owners or musicians,
and in this community my goal isto just empower women and give
us women that are like too muchor too loud or have felt like
we're not enough or, you know,have been told these like
outdated stigmas and been likegiven this identity.
(03:41):
That's really not who we are.
Speaker 1 (03:43):
It's just really a safe place for everyone.
Speaker 2 (03:45):
Like I say unleash your inner badass.
It's just my way of saying stepinto your power and show up
authentically.
That's like what I live by Ifwe're not living authentically,
we're not living right.
So my community is really justa safe space for women you know,
whether you're aspiring oryou're already an entrepreneur
to come and get support andshare ideas.
(04:06):
My most recent event I did aself like a self-care slash
business event where it was likea business brunch where I
brought a bunch ofentrepreneurial women from all
different fields, like we hadhairstylists, we had podcasters,
waxers.
We just had so many differentpeople.
Philly hype woman, who I love,that's what she titles herself
Philly's Hype Woman.
We had a lot of different badasswomen come together, totally
(04:30):
different businesses, totallydifferent ideas and we just sat
and we ate together and memyself and another speaker spoke
to these women and we hadbrainstorming sets for all of
our businesses and it's justreally this community.
That is starting small, but Ihave like really big plans for
it because I just want to givewomen especially you know, not
(04:52):
just locally like one day I wantto host virtual events where
people from all over can comeand join us.
So it's definitely in beginningstages, but this community is
for all badass women.
Speaker 1 (05:02):
That's so cool and just being able to host local
events.
So you're really tapping into asense of community and genuine
connection, because while you'retalking about virtual events
and getting there, there's somuch pushback on virtual events
post pandemic where people arelike no, no, no In person.
I want to see the people inreal life and hug them.
If that's your thing, right.
(05:24):
That's so cool and to be ableto have a place for people to be
themselves and to share thestruggles and the joys of
entrepreneurial pursuits.
Speaker 2 (05:34):
Yeah, I love it.
For me, like I talk aboutDriftwood a lot on my show and,
just you know, at my events,even I talk about Driftwood
often, because Driftwood is aterm that I learned from Gabby
Bernstein and it's basically yousee someone else's success and
instead of looking at yourselfand comparing your own success
and where you're at in yourjourney, instead of, like
starting to allow negativethoughts to ruminate, you
(05:56):
actually see another woman'ssuccess, even if it's in exactly
what you want to be doing, andyou feel empowered by it and you
feel inspired by it.
What you want to be doing, andyou feel empowered by it and you
feel inspired by it.
And I truly being at this pointin my life where I am fully,
authentically me and confidentin who I am, even on my bad days
, I am so lit up by seeing otherpeople do what they love,
(06:17):
whether it be, like I said, theycould be a hairstylist, like
looking to open up their ownsalon right or go out on their
own.
They could be.
It could be a waxer, it couldbe a motivational speaker, it
could be, you know, an author, amusician.
I just love being around womenwho are just defying the odds
and just no longer lettingsociety tell them who they're
(06:39):
meant to be Right.
So that's like everything thatI do in my motivational speaking
and the events and with thepodcast and with this book that
I'm working on getting published.
It's really all about personaldevelopment in all of its form.
Speaker 1 (06:53):
So okay, you said the term driftwood.
I haven't heard that before.
Speaker 2 (06:57):
So I heard it from Gabby Bernstein, maybe like two
years ago.
She's been like my spiritualteacher from afar.
She doesn't even know it, sheis very spiritual and she has
achieved so much success.
She talks about this term.
It's driftwood is essentiallyyou see someone else's success
and instead of feeling like anynegativity around it, we're
(07:18):
starting to compare yourself.
Or if you start cause we're allhuman and we all compare it's
just what happens, right, youjust flip the script and you say
, wow, that's like a sign thatmy time is coming.
My version of what I'm lookingto achieve is coming, so my
version of success.
This is like the universesending me a sign that like,
okay, this girl just had areally successful event.
(07:39):
That's like a sign from theuniverse for me that my book is
gonna get published or apublisher is going to reach out
to me, something like that itreminds me of what is the other
term expanders.
Speaker 1 (07:50):
That's another one that I heard recently from a
good friend of mine, as far as,like, if you are wanting to do
this thing and it seems like outof your realm of capability,
it's not something that you,it's outside your zone of genius
, if you will and it's like, ohman, I don't know if I can do
this.
This is a lot, there's a lot toget there, and then you meet
someone who looks like you anddoes similar things as you and
(08:11):
they're doing that thing.
That's an expander.
So you learn, like this thingthat I didn't think was possible
is actually possible and thatgives you the I don't want to
say hope, but all of thosefeelings and the drive towards
like, hey, okay, I'm giving thisthing a shot.
Speaker 2 (08:26):
Yeah, and it gives you that good feeling, emotion,
like we truly we can'taccomplish anything without
attaching ourselves to how we'llfeel after we accomplish it.
Part of my daily routine isconnecting with my goals.
One of my goals that I writedown has to do with the podcast
every day, and I really connectto how that, like I feel as if
(08:47):
it's already happened.
And that's what driftwood is.
It's getting us into the stateof mind where we feel the
gratitude, the joy of achievingthat thing already.
Because when we can connect towhat we will feel when we get
there, it's like us showing theuniverse whatever you believe in
God, whatever that's out therethat's bigger than us, right,
(09:08):
it's like us showing this iswhat I am reaching for.
And instead of reaching forthat other mindset, right, where
it's like, oh well, how did sheget this?
Or she had this handed to her,you know, like starting to get
away from that lacking mindsetand go into abundant mindset.
That's how we achieve our goals.
We can work tirelessly for therest of our lives and never get
to where we want to go if wedon't align our thoughts and
(09:32):
behaviors with where we're going.
So that's essentially why, likeDriftwood has just hearing that
term and I tell everyone aboutit now, like I had and have for
the last two years, because it'schanged the way that I think
about everything.
Speaker 1 (09:45):
When you have that understanding of how important
mindset is, how important the,what does it say?
Where your focus goes, yourenergy flows, I love that.
Okay, so podcast is calledInner Badass Reborn and that's
also your community, right?
So you kind of rebranded.
Have those all together.
Does the podcast or community?
Does it have an origin story?
Does this have anything to dowith your like rising from the
(10:07):
ashes?
Oh, hell, yeah, tell me thestories.
I want to hear all about it,please.
Speaker 2 (10:11):
Oh, hell yeah.
So from age like 16 to 21, Iwas in a very abusive
relationship Just a briefbackstory for my childhood Like
my parents this is not to talkbad on them, I love them both
but they were really focused onmy brother and didn't really
think they needed to worry aboutme because I wasn't the problem
child, so to say, and so Ididn't really get the parental
(10:34):
guidance I needed.
I wound up being put out on myown at 16.
I was like in my rebel state ofmind anyway, so I was like
whatever, hell yeah, you know Ican do this Right.
And I was kind of wanting to beas like a fuck you to my
parents, show them that I coulddo it, because I was just like
you know what.
Speaker 1 (10:50):
It is what it is.
Speaker 2 (10:51):
And so I went through a really dark time in my life,
you know, was with this person,who he's the definition of a
narcissist like not this modernday like, but the true hardcore
narcissist, and I allowed him tojust do awful things to me and
treat me in awful ways, and inthat, I lost who I was.
I went from being this bold,badass version of myself to not
(11:13):
even knowing who I was and tofeeling like so negative and
being so close-minded andconstantly focused on lack.
And after going through so manyyears like that, I had some
really horrible experiencesduring that time and in 2017, I
started to get this like inkling.
I'm like okay, I know, I needto leave this.
(11:34):
I need to figure this out.
I have no support.
At that time, I had lost most ofmy friends being in this, and
so I'm like where do I go fromhere?
And I just kept taking likelittle baby steps to better my
life.
Eventually, I was able to get atownhouse I was renting it, but
I was able to get my ownfoundation.
I didn't put his name on it,like I let him move in with me,
(11:54):
but it was near my family whereI grew up.
I was like building my roots andslowly but surely was like
getting myself away from himreading personal development
books, reigniting this fireinside of myself.
And I say I had this mirrorawakening.
Speaker 1 (12:09):
I woke up one day and it was literally.
Speaker 2 (12:11):
I woke up one day, but it was years in the making.
It didn't just happen overnight,right, but it was a one day
thing where I woke up and I waslike same routine.
Got up, went in the bathroomand I was looking at myself in
the mirror and I'm like this isnot it, this is not as good as
it gets for you, and likeliterally saying this to my.
I get chills every time I tellthis story because I feel like
I'm back in that moment and I'mso empowered by it every time I
(12:34):
tell this story, because Iliterally looked at myself in
the mirror and I was like thisisn't it, dana, this isn't you,
this isn't the life that youwere meant to live.
Right, you were made for more,and it was the first time since
15 years old that I had feltthis feeling like I am put here
to do something and it's notthis and I don't have to stay
with this person, I don't haveto be in this abusive
(12:54):
relationship.
And I took this little, tinybit of responsibility that led
to everything that.
Speaker 1 (13:01):
I'm now living.
Speaker 2 (13:02):
It was in that one moment, I mean within two weeks
I got him out of my house.
Within a month I had aprotection order against him.
I really woke up, like theblinders came off and I finally
saw what my life was and slowlybut surely got on this healing
journey, started growing rightand just started reading and I
(13:22):
went to a couple personaldevelopment conferences and
really went inward.
I spent so much time alone but,like for the first time, my
life didn't feel lonely.
I was alone but I felt likeconnected to something bigger
than me, and that's how I woundup on this journey.
And now you know the that Iwrote the work that I do.
it's all for that youngerversion of me because I know so
(13:42):
many women out there are havingand living that experience right
now in their own version of it,and so everything that I do is
for that reason.
Speaker 1 (13:51):
Do you feel like the mirror moment?
You said it's years in themaking and the lead up.
What got you into reading, likepersonal development books,
ways of improving yourself.
Was there a person or somethingthat you read somewhere that,
like, started you on this path?
That then led to finally like,oh my God, I looked in the
mirror and knew that this wasnot what I wanted for myself.
Speaker 2 (14:12):
I'll say I was living in hotel rooms for like a month
or two.
It was like the lowest point inmy life and the person that I
was with was also a drug addict,so he was in like really active
addiction and it was bad.
He was like very paranoid, allthe things, and I just remember
sitting there writing in thisjournal.
I got from the dollar storejust writing quotes and like how
(14:32):
I felt I found my love forwriting again, which made me
find my love for reading again.
I can't remember who the firstauthor was that I read, maybe
Jen Sincero.
I can't remember what the bookwas, but I went to the bookstore
literally the next day, like Iwas sitting in there writing in
my journal.
The night before the next day Iwent to the bookstore and I was
like just browsing.
Speaker 1 (14:51):
I'm like I'm going to find something that can help me
.
Speaker 2 (14:54):
And I went to the nonfiction section.
I found a book and I read itand it wasn't like life changing
.
The book wasn't life changing,but I got some confidence out of
it.
Speaker 1 (15:03):
And then it was like little by little and it wasn't
all at once.
Speaker 2 (15:06):
Like weeks went by and then I would go search for
another book at you know mybreak at lunch when I wasn't
with him, so I had my free timeright.
I would just little by littlekeep reading and every time I
read another book it ignitedsomething else in me and it
clicked.
Everything that I was reading,I'm like I feel like I already
know this stuff, like I feellike it's already within me.
I just forgot.
Speaker 1 (15:31):
Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.
Okay, so how was it trying toleave that relationship?
You know you mentioned it beingabusive, mentioned the person
being in ours.
It's like that's really hard.
Speaker 2 (15:36):
It was a lot.
I mean, he stole my car.
He was like pawning my stuff.
It was crazy, very chaotic.
They know how to play on yourempathy and it got to a point
where I was like you canliterally take everything that's
in that house, that's mine, Idon't care.
You can take all of it Not mycar, obviously but you can take
everything inside of the house,but you need to leave.
(15:57):
And during those two weeks of melike officially getting him out
, I was in and out, right, I wasjust going to work and then
staying out as late as possibleand then going home, sleeping,
going back to work, keepingmyself occupied.
But, honestly, the yearsleading up to that were so
suffocating for me that thosetwo weeks, the chaos that that
brought, was nothing compared tothe life I was living.
(16:20):
And so, although it was hard, Ifelt free, even before I got
him out of my house.
It was like I literally cutthat energetic cord and I get
chills talking about it, becauseI felt like there was just
something bigger than me holdingmy hand along that way, like I
didn't have anybody, I didn'thave friends, I didn't have
family, like my family, totallyoutcasted me, I was on my own
(16:41):
but I never felt more free orempowered in my life.
Speaker 1 (16:45):
That's a really powerful story and to have
cultivated such a strong senseof self-trust, a strong
relationship with yourselfbecause that's a big part of
this where you're like I didn'thave a support system.
I had to be my entire supportsystem.
I knew the best thing for mewas to get out of this situation
.
You'd grown to the point whereyou're like all right, I trust
me to make these decisions andbe able to take care of myself.
(17:09):
You talk about a lot ofauthenticity and taking back
your power, and part of beingable to take back your power is
one, knowing you have it in thefirst place.
Two, trusting yourself.
And three, knowing what thehell you want, Because that's
part of that, too, where you'retalking.
So many years being in a placeof feeling like you were
suffocating, being in anunhealthy relationship on so
many levels with this otherperson, you lose sight of what
(17:32):
you want, you lose sight of whoyou are, what you like, and
that's something that taking youout of this relationship.
So lose sight of who you are,what you like, and that's
something that taking you out ofthis relationship.
So many people that I talk toI'm going to say women, because
I work mainly with women.
The relationship with ourselvesoften starts with those
questions of like well, what doI like?
We've been doing this sameroutine and going through these
motions for so long.
But do we actually like eatingfive egg whites for breakfast on
(17:55):
a piece of, like, whole graintoast?
That's super bland.
No, fuck, no, I don't, it'sgross.
Okay, well, what do I like?
And then you're able to explorethose pieces.
Or like I've been dressing thesame way for a decade.
Do I actually like that?
Do I actually like getting upat 5am every day?
Do I actually like these things?
And being able to ask yourselflike is this the person I want
to be?
Are the things that I want todo?
(18:16):
Do I like them?
Because that relationship ofbeing like here are my likes and
dislikes, here's the person Iwant to be, and that's like.
Speaker 2 (18:23):
That other piece of liking and disliking is like
your values got called intoquestion and you're like not
living in accordance with myvalues it was literally all that
all at once and I think that'swhy it felt so freeing, even in
the midst of the chaos, becauseI had this like new hunger and
like thirst to just live, toreally live.
Like I felt like I had beenasleep for five, six years,
(18:46):
however long it was that I waswith him, like I felt like I had
just woken up from a five yearslumber and just had like this
little like grip of who I wasand I was so excited to find out
, like more about me, right.
And, like you said, I was likewell, I know what I don't like,
but what do I like?
Do I like you know, wearingthat, my style?
Speaker 1 (19:06):
is totally different than it was, then I'll tell you
that, right, and I stoppedwearing makeup for like years.
Speaker 2 (19:11):
I just started wearing makeup again, and it's
2024.
I left him in 2018.
It's been a good while and it'sbecause I think it was just
like I had done so many thingsto like please, everyone else,
especially him and it was likethe most fun experience to like
when you find yourself again.
You yes, you have to go inwardand you have to be okay with
(19:31):
being alone right.
Because you want to be able toattract the right people into
your life.
You don't want to attractanother narcissist right, you
don't want to attract anotherperson who's going to inevitably
betray you in some way, likeyou want to get good with
yourself so that you can live alife you want, and I think it
was so bad for me that that wasso clear.
I took myself out on dates.
(19:52):
That was a huge thing for me onhow I could get comfortable
being alone.
Speaker 1 (19:57):
It was very uncomfortable.
Speaker 2 (19:58):
People would look at me like why is this girl out by
herself on a Friday night at thebar?
But I loved it.
I made it a routine everyFriday after work I would take
myself out to eat and it was howI got comfortable being alone.
It was the first time in mylife that I ever could have like
the balls to go out and go to arestaurant by myself and sit by
myself at a nice restaurant,right, and I think it's just
(20:20):
really important for anyonelistening.
If you find yourself in a placewhere you feel lost, you're
going to feel lost multipletimes in life.
That's just a part of living.
You know.
You go through seasons of yourlife and some seasons are harder
than others and I've definitelybeen faced with am I being true
to myself?
Am I making myself smaller tomake myself more digestible for
other people?
(20:40):
And I have to do thosecheck-ins with myself even after
so long.
And I think it's important forthe listeners to get like only
you can decide who you are.
Only you can decide what you'reworth, and there's nothing more
empowering than stepping intothat.
Agreed.
Speaker 1 (20:54):
I want to talk your thoughts on.
Can I thoughts on self-love andthe relationship with yourself.
But one thing I want to saybefore this and I'm laughing
because it's such a currentsuper deep rabbit hole of mine
that I get really excited aboutit.
So let me set the context foryou.
With Sturdy Girl, a lot of mysolo episodes are on body image,
(21:15):
on self-confidence andresilience, and I try to make it
as evidence-based as I can.
So I love reading body image,on self-confidence and
resilience and I try to make itas evidence based as I can.
So I love reading body imageresearch and a lot of body image
research is based on acceptanceand commitment therapy as a
modality, and acceptance andcommitment therapy has its basis
in a lot of Buddhist principlesand so naturally I have been
down an absolute Buddhist rabbithole recently.
(21:37):
I am not a religious person,necessarily, but reading about
these principles in BuddhismI'll tie this back, like with
relationship to ourselves.
A lot of the conversationaround Buddhist principles and I
should say, the book I'mreading right now there's a lot
more about Buddhism that I don'tknow and I'm not going to
pretend that I do theconversation of cultivating the
skill to be able to sit withyour own thoughts is huge.
(21:59):
When we talk about any level ofself-acceptance, let alone
getting to know ourselves, andyou talking about being able to
go out and go to places byyourself, have dinner solo, that
comes first from being able tosit down in an empty room with
just your thoughts and there are.
I'm going to butcher thestudies off the top of my head.
(22:21):
There was a study done where itwas more or less like you have
the option to sit with yourselfor administer a mild electric
shock, and more than half of thepeople chose to administer a
mild electric shock tothemselves.
That is how disconnected we arefrom ourselves.
And so when we talk about all ofthese things to improve our
(22:41):
lives, let's say like bigpicture, it starts internal.
It starts with being able tosit in that internal world, and
if that place is not a safeplace to go to, is not
comfortable in a lot of ways,then we're going to avoid it.
And then we're going to seekthose things that we need from
ourselves and other people, andthat's going to further things.
And then we're going to seekthose things that we need from
ourselves and other people, andthat's going to further things.
So this is an absolute tangentand I'm probably butchering like
(23:04):
if anyone's like Buddhist andlistening to this and they're
like, oh my God, jess, you'vejust ruined this.
But it's taking and readingthings and then what you take
away from it.
But that internal world is so,so important when we go all the
way up to because, right, if wethink of this along the lines of
levels, right, because we startout with kind of this level of
like self-loathing, self-hatred,and then it's trying to build
(23:26):
up from there.
If we get to thatself-acceptance, and then we're
looking at, like, what is takingour power back, what does
authenticity mean to us?
And learning to be ourselves.
And that comes from that placeof self-acceptance.
Speaker 2 (23:44):
And you can't get there without it.
You can't.
Speaker 1 (23:45):
It's funny because.
Speaker 2 (23:45):
I call it a Dana kick in the ass.
My listeners know I give.
I give that very often in mytalks and eventually I will,
when I work with you, knowone-on-one with clients.
But I give advice in the mostloving but blunt way because
that's how I learned and I knowthat sometimes, when it comes to
this work, we have to say isthis way, or the highway, it's
this way, or keep living thelife you're living.
Guys say you can either keepsurviving or you can start
living.
Speaker 1 (24:03):
And the choice is yours, right, we get this choice
.
Speaker 2 (24:05):
Every day of our lives, we wake up, we get to
choose, and you get to choose todo the things that are going to
benefit you, or choose to livea life that is comfortable.
And, to be real, I'muncomfortable all the time.
It's not in this negativeaspect, right, it's not.
I don't feel uncomfortable inthe sense where I feel like I am
not where I'm meant to be.
I feel uncomfortable where I'mlike anytime.
(24:25):
I feel like I'm getting too inthe groove.
I'm like I got to pivot a littlebit because I'm not pushing
myself, because if we're notuncomfortable, you're not
growing, and that's why peopledon't like to go inward because
it's scary.
My husband has said this amillion times.
It is intimidating seeing howmuch time I spend alone and my
morning routine that I do is soextensive now because I've been
(24:46):
working on it for years and youdon't have to spend two hours a
day alone.
But I am saying that I am whereI am today because of all the
time I've committed to myself.
That's what self-love is.
Self-care isn't taking a bubblebath.
Self-care is sitting with ajournal and a pen and facing the
uncomfortable shit that's inyour head Because, look, I have
some crazy things going on in myhead right.
(25:07):
Sometimes, even still, I gettriggered and instead of lashing
out on my husband, I'm going topull out that journal and by
the end of that journaling seshI'm going to be like, okay,
that's definitely a little crazyend of that journaling sesh.
I'm going to be like okay,that's definitely a little crazy
, but I feel better.
It was a story I was tellingmyself.
That's not even based onreality.
It's based on a trigger that Ihad.
And why was I triggered?
Here's the root cause, and Itell everyone if you have no
(25:28):
idea where to start, start witha journal and a pen and sit
there and literally turn offyour phone, turn off your
computer and sit there until yougain the bravery and the
courage to write something downand make that a daily practice.
I started with five minutes.
Now some days I'm journalingfor 20 minutes because I have a
lot to get out and it means thatI'm not going out into the
world every day just projectingall the stuff I'm holding onto
(25:51):
onto everyone else.
And that's when real growthhappens, when we face ourselves,
and it takes bravery right.
It's not easy, I'm not going tosit here and say it is, but the
life you're living is not easyeither.
It's just you're comfortable inyour discomfort that you're
feeling because, to be real,your comfortable place that
you're in it's not your bestplace.
So how could that really bewhat's best for you?
(26:12):
It's not, and so you can eitherchoose to stay in this place
that feels safe, but really yourfear, like we should honor our
fears.
Speaker 1 (26:22):
That fear is in place to keep us safe, and safe a lot
of times is that comfort zone,and I have talked about this
book on literally everyinterview that I have done in
the last few weeks.
But have you read the ComfortCrisis?
Speaker 2 (26:34):
I haven't.
Who's that by?
Speaker 1 (26:36):
Michael Easter, you've got to add it to your
list.
It's one of those that like, ifthere is one book to recommend,
that is my book right now thatI have just been like, please
read this.
Here you go.
It'll change your life.
And it's interesting too, likethe sitting with the discomfort,
because a lot of times peopleI'm really generalizing here the
common conception of gettingoutside of your comfort zone is
(26:56):
doing extreme things, and whatwe're talking about in getting
outside our comfort zone issitting with our thoughts.
Speaker 2 (27:02):
It's the most basic things.
My listeners sometimes laughlike they'll write into the
hotline and be like you know,Dana, it pisses me off that you
get on here and you tell us todo the same things, but once I
finally started doing, thesethings that you tell me to do?
They actually work and I'm likeyes, see, yeah, you see, I'm
not trying to talk, just to talkright, I'm giving practices
that I have done.
Speaker 1 (27:28):
And I do the same things today that I did five
years ago.
Speaker 2 (27:30):
That got me to where I am today, and I will do it
five years from now, and I'lljust tell you what my morning
routine is.
It's I move my body, whetherit's an hour or 20 minutes,
whatever works for me.
I move my body First thing.
I wake up at 4am to do that.
You've been pregnant.
I love that, though.
I don't do it because I have todo it, because I get to and I
love it.
So for some people that's notthat's not for them and that's
okay, but for these next coupleof practices.
(27:50):
These practices are foreverybody and I say, if you tell
me you're not a journaler, it'sbecause you never tried and
you're too scared to try.
Every morning I do a gratitudepractice.
I actually created a journalthat I sell that has all this in
it, but I write down six verysmall things that I'm grateful
for that happened in the last 24hours.
Speaker 1 (28:07):
So I can't write.
I'm grateful for my husband.
I can't write.
I'm grateful for that.
I'm pregnant, right.
Speaker 2 (28:11):
I have to write something that actually happened
that gets me looking for thingsto be grateful for all day
rather than looking for thingsto be miserable about all day,
and then I write down myintentions for the day.
How do I want to feel, how do Iwant to show up today, and what
are three things that Iabsolutely must achieve today
for me to feel like I have beenproductive.
(28:32):
And then I write down 10 goalsand some of those goals are
within six months achievable andsome of them are going to take
10 years, right.
And then I do anywhere fromfive to 30 minutes of free
writing and I drag mine outbecause I meditate and I sit
there and I sip my coffee and Ijust really like it's a ritual
for me.
Speaker 1 (28:50):
But for people starting out it doesn't have to
be extreme.
Speaker 2 (28:52):
We don't need to do extreme things.
Extremes never work.
When you try to make everythingin your life a big deal, then
nothing's important right andyou'll never be consistent with
something that's hard to do.
These practices are easy, youknow you'll be consistent with
them and that's what the journalI created is meant to do.
It's meant to create aconsistent morning routine that
takes honestly, you could take10 minutes to do this journal
(29:14):
every day.
Speaker 1 (29:15):
It's really cool that you created that.
I love the thought of agratitude practice because
gratitude is one of thosebuzzwords Some people feel woo
woo or don't tap into this.
I had an interview last weekwith someone about this.
She's a yoga and meditationinstructor and so we leaned into
just more of what gratitudeactually is and I was like this
(29:37):
for a long time.
Where gratitude is just likewhat am I going to write Like
I'm thankful for coffee, I'mthankful for my dogs, whatever?
And it's understanding thattruly, no matter what you
believe the universe, a higherpower, a singular God, plural
gods, whatever when there isrecognition of the insanity that
is you existing on this planetat this particular time and
(29:57):
space, it shifts yourperspective on like.
I read a story about someonewho lost function in their hands
in their 30s and suddenly thenext day in my gratitude
practice I was like these handsfunction and work for me and I
am so thankful for the myriad ofthings that allows me to do.
You know, pay my bills becauseI work with my hands.
Speaker 2 (30:18):
It's because it brings you into the present
moment, literally what you justsaid, not to cut you off, but,
like gratitude, practice bringsyou into current day.
For example, last week had theworst week, not not this week,
but last week was like thehardest week for me.
I was finding dead animals inmy backyard left and right and
I'm pregnant, so that's reallysad and it was just a whole
thing.
It was one thing after another.
I was having a horrible weekand I still went and I found
(30:42):
things to be grateful for everymorning.
And had I not had that practice, I would not have been present.
I would have been a ball ofanxiety all week.
I would have had no outlet,right, I would have felt so
triggered all day, but because Ihad these practices, no, I
wasn't at my best.
I'm not going to sit here andBS you like you're not going to
feel 100% just because you did agratitude practice.
But if it's, something you doevery day.
(31:03):
It equips you to handle thehard stuff in life.
When tragedy hit my family in2020, I was completely equipped
to handle it.
It was profoundly difficult.
I was heartbroken and when Isuffered a profound loss in my
life very unexpectedly, but Iwas able to get through it
because of these small thingsand people think I'm insane when
I say that, but I'm like justtry it and watch when the next
(31:26):
time something hard happens inyour life how much better
equipped you are to handle that.
Speaker 1 (31:30):
So two things, one being going back to like the
journal practice where you'relike the people who are like, oh
, I can't do that or I've neverbeen able to do it, or whatever
else.
One of the things that I talkto with clients is okay, if
writing does not feel likesomething that is in your
wheelhouse for writing outthoughts or feelings, voice memo
, record it.
If writing out completesentences doesn't feel like your
(31:51):
jam, make it single words,forget about grammar.
Like let it come out, type iton your computer, like what
makes it most accessible.
I love to journal.
I've journaled since fourth orfifth grade but I went through a
season where like writing wasjust not doing it for me and so
I would record voice memos likeI was talking to my best friend
Not necessarily send them,because Lord knows she didn't
(32:11):
need like a 17 minute voice memoevery single day, but having
that piece of like, if you'retalking to someone who you know
loves and cares about youunconditionally, because
eventually what you're doing isyou're saying these things out
loud and you're understandinglike, oh, I actually care about
myself unconditionally, like therelationship with myself, you
can come back around to that.
Speaker 2 (32:29):
Exactly, and that's how you step into your power.
I mean, I love the voice notes.
I still use voice notessometimes, even though I'm big
on journaling, so I like to beable to go back.
I labeled them therapy and Iput the date.
There's no therapist there,it's just me, and it's just
sometimes like when.
I'm in the moment and I'mfeeling triggered, like maybe
something my husband didtriggered me, or at my day job I
(32:50):
get triggered.
Instead of like reacting to that, I go and I make a voice memo
and I let it out, and suddenlyI'm like, and then I breathe for
a second, I'm like wow, I feellike not a hundred percent but I
feel better.
Right, and it's just thatlittle practice and it grounds
us and then you realize youdon't have to reach outside of
(33:12):
yourself for that right.
Speaker 1 (33:12):
You don't have to project, you don't have to react
, you don't have to call yourbest friend frantically every
time something happens, right,you can be your own best friend,
you saying like, okay, myhusband said something and it
triggered on some level andyou're like, what the hell?
You gave space between actionand reaction and that's a skill
that is such a skill to bepracticed.
So, when you're talking abouthere all the things that led up
to me being able to cultivatethat skill, especially in a
marriage, it's so huge, and Imean not just a marriage, but
(33:33):
your friendships, everyrelationship in your life.
But it also works for yourselftoo, with noticing thoughts that
come up and then you're justlike, ok, hang on.
That really made me feel sometype of way, where did that come
from?
And made me feel some type ofway, where did that come from.
And so you're just the more youpractice that.
So that's what journaling does,is you're letting things come
up, come out, writing them out,and then you're like, is that
really true?
Do I want that to be true?
No, not really.
(33:54):
Okay, and moving from there, butshifting this for a second,
where we've talked about justrelationship with ourselves, so
much you talk about self-love.
From reading that I have donefrom some of the research and
just from my understanding andhow I coach on this, I don't
talk a lot about self-love inthe maybe social media
mainstream kind of way thatpeople think of self-love as
(34:15):
like I love myselfunconditionally, no matter what,
in all the ways of all thethings.
Okay, actually I'm turning thisto you, I'm not even going to
it.
Tell me how you defineself-love, because I feel like
we're somewhat on the same pageof like our feels on this and so
I don't want to project, sotell me.
Speaker 2 (34:29):
Yeah, self-love to me , and what I teach too, is it's
not this like delusionalconfidence in yourself.
We're not the Lulu.
Okay, I love to sit here andrepost these memes that talk
about being the Lulu, but at theend of the day, in reality,
self-love is viewing yourselffor exactly who you are.
In this moment, I can show upand I can have a reaction, and I
(34:52):
can have accountability forthat reaction and say I still
value who I am, I still know myvalue, I know my worth.
It doesn't mean I'm a perfecthuman either.
I don't like this version ofself-love that we see on social
media because it talks aboutusing affirmations and you know,
and I do like affirmations butwe try to tell someone who
literally hates themselves andwe tell themselves to say I love
(35:13):
you in the mirror and that'sgoing to change their life.
You can't lie to yourself.
You're not ever going to takethat huge leap.
It's not possible.
I hated myself too at one point.
Right, I started to love myselfonce.
I gave myself the space to justfuck up.
And you give yourself the spaceto just be who you are Like I
wouldn't be here today if Ididn't give myself the space to
be a very triggered version ofmyself for a while.
(35:35):
And in those moments I wasn'tsitting here like delusional,
like I'm amazing, because Iwasn't, I had work to do.
But my core self, who I am at mycore, my values, who I show up
as, who I intend to show up as,that's self-love.
I love her, but I'm, in that,able to say, okay, I love myself
(35:56):
, but I'm also always going tohold myself accountable.
There's a big thing on socialmedia right now where everyone
is like, as soon as they get ina relationship with someone, if
they, if they have like one redflag or they do one thing wrong,
oh we'll screw them on to thenext one.
And I don't believe in that,because imagine yourself, you
look at yourself and you make amistake and you suddenly believe
you're a horrible person.
That's why we have a worldliving this way in relationships
right now, because you're not ahorrible person because you
(36:18):
made a mistake, you're going tomake a thousand mistakes.
You can still love yourselfthrough them while holding
yourself accountable.
I think we're in a state ofthat delusional self-love versus
the real self-love where youlook at yourself in the mirror
and you see we all have flawsand those flaws make me who I am
and I love myself because of myflaws.
My husband loves to remind methat.
(36:38):
I have an attitude and I used toliterally hate that about
myself, but that makes me who Iam.
And guess what?
That attitude is not foreverybody.
I am not for everybody and Iteach my listeners self-love is
knowing you're not for everyoneand being cool with that.
As long as you know you areshowing up as a good human,
you're not going around being anasshole to everyone, then
(36:59):
that's self-love, right?
Self-love isn't I'm going topretend that I'm happy and
positive all the time, even whenI'm not.
That's actually the opposite ofself-love.
That's doing yourself adisservice, going around in the
world being someone that you'renot 100%.
Speaker 1 (37:13):
Sometimes I feel like talking about loving yourself
can be triggering to people, andso in the first season of
Sturdy Girl, there is an episodecalled Do you have to Love
Yourself?
And ultimately, the answer isno.
You can have a healthyrelationship with yourself
without that love.
And I think a lot of whatyou're describing, too, is that
self-compassion piece being ableto look in the mirror and, yes,
(37:34):
you are accepting of yourselfas a human, but you're holding
yourself accountable becausethat self-compassion piece of
yeah, okay, I'm tired, thereforeI need to go to bed earlier
versus I'm tired, but I'm goingto modify this workout that I
wanted to get done instead ofskipping it completely, because
I'm holding myself accountable,and I think that both and of the
self-love is unconditional inthe piece of and this is
(37:56):
something that I still havetrouble explaining to people is
that view yourself like you doyour best front.
You aren't going to discardthem after one mistake.
You recognize that they'regoing to have bad days If you so
I think about these voice memosthat you record for yourself.
If your friend sent you thatvoice memo and they're like I
had the absolute, freaking worstday.
(38:18):
This happened, this happened.
I said this, I was an assholeto this person.
I did this.
You're not going to listen tothat and be like, oh my God, you
are a terrible person, I and belike, oh my God, you are a
terrible person, I don't evenlike you, let alone love you
anymore.
No, you're gonna hear that andbe like shit, you did have a
really bad day.
I'm so glad you were able toshare that with me.
Like you know how you wouldrespond, thinking about that in
terms of how you talk toyourself, how you respond to
(38:39):
yourself, and that's a lot ofwhat that self-love and
compassion piece is in workingon that relationship.
So I really liked yourdescription too.
Speaker 2 (38:46):
I just think that so many people hear self-love and
they're like oh, like I don'teven know if I it's because
they're so far from that Right.
Like I truly can say I'm at apoint in my life where I do love
myself, Like I am proud ofmyself and I'm my own
cheerleader.
Like I truly am at a pointwhere I don't need anyone else
to cheer.
Like when someone else cheersme on, it's like I take it with
a grain of salt, Just like Iwould take a criticism with a
(39:07):
grain of salt.
But it didn't happen.
Like it took seven years for meto get here.
And I didn't get here by tellingmyself that I love myself every
day.
I got here because I was justlike, willing to look at myself
in the mirror period, Just lookat myself for who I was showing
up as, without sitting there andtearing myself apart every day.
And I think what we're goingwrong as a society is we're
(39:29):
convincing ourselves that welove ourselves, even though we
don't like a lot of people don't, but they're saying that they
do right.
And then we're expectingeveryone else that's coming in
and out of our lives to beperfect too, Because perfect is
not real.
But how we're viewing our quoteunquote love for ourselves is
like this made up version ofwhat self lovelove is, and now
we're projecting that ontorelationships too.
So I love what you said and Ithink it's so important to tell
(39:52):
people like I've never thoughtof it in that way, Like you
don't need to love yourselfright now.
It's about showing yourselfthat grace and compassion.
I totally agree.
Speaker 1 (40:00):
It's such a canyon between self-loathing and
self-love, and so some people,they see that and they're like,
well, how the hell do I get fromone side to the other?
There's all this space inbetween.
Is it self-respect,self-acceptance, is it?
You know, looking along thoselines and maybe we never get to
love, and that's okay.
Speaker 2 (40:16):
I think it's too much pressure to be like you have to
love yourself.
I don't think on my show or ingeneral, I've ever said you
don't have to love yourself.
I always just tell people it's.
You're not ever going to loveyourself overnight.
But I love your perspective andthe way you explain that,
because it's so important forpeople Like I wish I had someone
to tell me that when I washating myself right.
Speaker 1 (40:34):
It's powerful and that was a big turning point for
me.
I think in this whole.
I call it a lot more like thebody image journey, but it's
also that like relationship ofself journey.
It was my therapist and she'slike you don't have to love
yourself.
That's not ever what we'retalking about.
Can you learn to respectyourself enough to like, take
care of your body?
Can we talk about that?
And that's where you start.
(40:54):
She was like I don't care rightnow if you don't like yourself.
I don't care if you look in themirror like we'll get to caring
about that, but right now Ineed you to understand that if
you respect your body like yourphysical being, you're going to
nourish it and you're going totake care of it and eventually
that respect is going to extendinto your brain as well.
And that relationship withyourself and I was like, okay, I
(41:15):
think I can do that You'restreaming down my face.
Speaker 2 (41:18):
I think that will help people like get there even
quicker, honestly get to thatself-love point and again, like
you said, I think it's reallyhelpful to say you don't ever
have to get there.
But from experience I know thathaving that mindset and taking
that pressure off yourself, youcan get there and you can get
there quicker.
I love that.
Wow, I'd never heard anyoneexplain it that way.
Speaker 1 (41:38):
I'm glad it was helpful.
So question for you just sincewe have been talking about
self-love as you have defined it, and those pieces, are there
any kind of takeaways that youcould give the audience on how
you worked towards self-love orhow you coach on working towards
improving your relationshipwith yourself?
Speaker 2 (41:53):
Yeah, definitely, I'm going to give small things
again.
Everything comes down to likethe most basic things.
First thing I would say do whatI did and take yourself out to
eat.
I don't care, if you only do itone time in your life, take
yourself out on a date.
So maybe being at a restaurantmight sound like too much for
(42:13):
you Take yourself out to acoffee shop.
Take yourself out somewhere inpublic by yourself and not to
Target.
Okay, because we all know wewant to all go to Target by
ourselves, so our boyfriends orhusbands or wives don't know how
much we're spending money, howmuch money we're spending at
Target, right?
I'm talking about take yourselfout on a date, get dressed up,
make it a thing, right?
Get dressed up as if yourhusband or your wife or your
(42:34):
partner is taking you out andreally be present in that
experience Don't sit on yourphone the whole time Give
yourself like one hour.
take yourself out to eat Even ifit's a restaurant you've been
to before, it doesn't have to besomething completely new.
And how that helps self-love isjust getting comfortable being
by yourself.
That's what that really is.
And it's one thing to becomfortable by yourself at home.
It's another thing to putyourself out into the world by
yourself.
It's like not even findingcomfort.
It's just learning how to bealone around other people
(42:56):
without feeling lonely.
And then another thing I wouldsay, which you're probably gonna
laugh at, but one thing I doany day that I am having a hard
day and I'm feeling not my bestday that I am having a hard day
and I'm feeling not my best, Iput on an outfit, and it's
almost always the same outfitthat makes me feel good, because
when I look good physically,when I feel like I look good, I
feel better.
So on my bad days I have anoutfit that I wear like one
(43:18):
outfit in my closet that I wearevery bad day and I put on and
they just make like I might domy makeup that day, I might do
my hair.
It puts me in an energy offeeling good and it doesn't.
It's not going to make me lovemyself, but it's going to make
me feel better that day.
Another thing I would just sayon top of it doesn't have to be
journaling, but dedicate 30minutes to yourself every day.
So if you don't like to journal, do the voice memo, the notes
(43:40):
app in your phone, do a guidedmeditation, go for a walk
outside without a podcast.
Like I know, we're on a podcast.
I want you to listen.
But do go outside and take awalk without your phone If you
live in a safe area to do so.
And just 30 minutes, that's it.
Everybody in the world has 30minutes.
I know people with four kidswho have an hour to themselves
every morning.
(44:00):
So please do not make excusesfor yourself, because as much as
we want to show ourselves grace, we also need to hold ourselves
accountable.
How you can do that is dedicate30 minutes in your day, every
single day, to doing somethingto fill your own cup up.
And then just one more thingthat I love to suggest to
everyone is create a joy list.
A joy list can containsomething as small as having a
(44:21):
cup of coffee outside on yourdeck as the sun rises, to
something as big as taking atrip to Italy, and I always
recommend putting this in yourphone.
I'm a big writer, but I love toput the joy list in your phone
and you can add to it wheneveryou want or subtract from it
whenever you want.
But the beauty is, when you'rehaving a hard day or you're
starting to feel overwhelmed,you can pick something off that
(44:41):
list to do that day.
So it could be something sosmall, so simple, as like
grabbing a coffee for yourself.
That gives me joy A pumpkinspice latte.
I'm so basic in that way.
That brings me so much joy.
So that would be my lastsuggestion, because adding joy
into your own life yourself andnot expecting other people to
give you that joy, best way tostart to learn to care for
(45:02):
yourself.
Speaker 1 (45:02):
Okay.
So three things.
One, 100% hot in my like wrapup quick questions was going to
ask you if you were a pumpkinspice latte fan, so thank you
for answering that.
Two, we call those coffeesemotional support coffee.
And three, this joy list piece.
Oh my gosh, okay.
I talk about this so frequentlywith clients just in the context
(45:23):
of when we get in funks Likethere are a couple of Sturdy
Girl episodes about this too ofjust getting ourselves out of
maybe a rut or a funk or brainspace that isn't supportive.
Having that joy list, havingthose things where you're like
what is something that brings mejoy, what is something that,
even if joy feels too big, issomething that brings me a sense
of contentment, a sense ofhappiness, even if it's
(45:44):
momentary, like my first thingthat comes to mind, it is so
small.
So one of my dogs is an Aussieand he has ears like velvet and
I cannot tell you how many timesthat I am stressed or having a
bad day or having the feels,whatever it might be, and
slowing down and petting hisfreaking ears is one of those
moments where you're like okay,maybe things aren't so bad.
Speaker 2 (46:03):
All my joy list is cuddling with my dog, and
sometimes I don't want to cuddlewith my dog, sometimes it
doesn't bring me joy, so I'mlike I don't want to.
I don't want to be around youright now I'm busy.
But on those days that'sexactly why I said put it in
your phone.
We're all attached to ourphones.
I don't care how evolved we are, we're all attached to our
phones.
And so I have my list in whereI could, on my 30 minute break,
(46:31):
go to a park really close andsit there for my lunch break,
and that is something that, no,I'm not gonna feel like I'm the
happiest person in the world,but I am gonna go back into the
rest of my shift feeling justlighter than I felt.
So, yeah, I love that.
Speaker 1 (46:45):
Finding space in your day.
You know you're talking like.
Everyone has 30 minutes intheir day and I have mixed
feelings on saying that Like.
I appreciate the intent ofholding yourself accountable.
I had a conversation recentlywith someone who educates on
like social determinants ofhealth and there are some people
that are in a place where theywork so much or have so many
variables in their life that 30minutes is like not even
(47:06):
possible.
This joy list for me and forhow I coach my clients on it, is
like it is creating the spacein your life, even for those few
moments of like I may be pet mydog's ears for like a minute,
creating the space, even if it'sjust up here mentally to take a
deep breath.
It's that mindfulness piece, Ithink, is what I'm getting at.
And if I say mindfulness,people are like right, it's
(47:27):
another one of those words, butit's creating the space for you
to just be present, be in yourhead without 7 million other
things going on, to just saylike.
Speaker 2 (47:38):
I'm here, I'm in this moment, I'm okay, I'm safe.
Yeah, it's just interruptingthat train of thought.
All it takes is that one, oneminute to interrupt it.
I could be spiraling, creatinga story of something that's
happening.
That's not really happening,but I'm convincing myself that
it's 100% happening.
For example, if I'm having abad day in the gym, I'll
convince myself that everyone inthe gym is judging me and no
one gives a fuck about what I'mdoing in the gym.
(47:58):
Like, let's be real.
And so it's in those momentswhen you just you literally take
one minute.
You don't even have to sitthere and breathe.
If that seems too woo to you,you can just take one deep
breath in and out and just sitthere and remind yourself, like,
okay, call out what are threethings that I see right now that
are blue.
And you just you name that andsuddenly you've interrupted that
negative thought pattern andnow it's, it's coming going.
Speaker 1 (48:20):
They have a name for it, but it's like the five, four
, three, two, one, right.
So, like five, these, you Likefive things.
You can see four things, youcan hear three things, you can
touch two things, you can smellone thing, you can taste or
something like that, right, youlike go through.
No, that's fantastic, okay.
So I already asked you aboutPSL, or no?
So we're there.
Pancakes or waffles Pancakes.
Okay, what do you put on them?
Speaker 2 (48:40):
Blueberries in them and lots of syrup.
So I'm like a child If I eatpancakes which I don't eat them
often, unless my husbandspecifically requests them but
it's drowning in sorrow.
Make the pancake like a sponge.
Speaker 1 (48:51):
Literally, it's soup.
I love it.
Okay, what is the number onebook you've recommended or given
as a gift?
Speaker 2 (49:03):
It's not the number one book that I recommended
because I've only just finishedit, but I planned on buying
everyone for Christmas this year.
I'm not really splurgingbecause I'm having a baby.
It's called you Can Heal yourLife by Louise Hay.
I am buying everyone in my lifethat book this year and the
reason being is because I willjust say it's a very woo-woo
book and it is.
You have to have an openmindset.
But every single practice, evenif you only take one practice
from this entire book, it canhelp you in the most impactful
(49:26):
way on your growth journey.
I'm not going to say it's goingto change your life because I
don't like to put that big of ayou know, commitment in there,
but what I will say is that Ithink if everyone reads this
book, they'll just start to viewtheir lives differently.
I have like a million favoritebooks, though.
Speaker 1 (49:41):
We can talk more about this.
I'm a big reader too.
And then, talking aboutholidays, do you have any
holiday traditions?
Speaker 2 (49:53):
Halloween is my favorite day ever and season and
just fall.
I'm like a fiend.
I love horror.
So my holiday tradition forHalloween we go all out on our
decorations and we love to giveout candy to the kids.
I dress up, my husband dress upand we literally sit outside and
give candy to the kids and weinvite like family over so we'll
have like drinks and allHalloween themed food, but then
ultimately we all sit down andgive out candy for a couple
hours and then Christmas is likeI do the seven fishes for
(50:16):
Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.
It always varies, but yeah,it's pretty much it.
Speaker 1 (50:21):
That's fantastic.
I slowly get more into horror,trying I'll read horror books
all day long, horror movies Idon't know why I just am like
the jump scare is not my thing.
My husband's a writer and he'sworking on a horror comedy right
now and so like learning likehorror.
Okay, I got to get therebecause I got to love this movie
.
Speaker 2 (50:41):
So I will tell you, I was like five years old in the
movie theaters watching horrormovies.
Speaker 1 (50:51):
So we went to the movies every weekend when I was
a kid, and he would take me tosee every horror movie.
That's amazing.
You knew your genre early.
So on that note we'll wrap thisup.
My last question for you wherecan audiences find you to learn
more?
Speaker 2 (51:00):
So you can find me on Instagram, Dana Donnelly
official underscore, and then Ihave inner badass reborn.
That's the community page.
I actually showcase andhighlight women owned businesses
, just women, badass women ingeneral every Wednesday.
So if you have a suggestion fora woman you would like to be
showcased on the page, I wouldlove for you to DM me and then
(51:21):
you can find my podcast anywhereyou listen at inner badass
reborn and then my website isDana Donnelly officialcom.
Speaker 1 (51:28):
Awesome.
Thanks so much for being on.
This was such a greatconversation, and let's share
some book recommendations.
Speaker 2 (51:34):
Yeah, I'm excited to keep in contact with you.
I know we're very aligned onmost things Agreed.
Speaker 1 (51:39):
Okay, friend, thank you so much.
Thank you.
Thank you everyone forlistening.
We will catch you next Friday.
Hello friends and welcome back to Sturdy Girl.
We are on episode 42.
I'm your host, jess.
I can't believe how fast theseason already seems to be going
by, but we have had wonderfulguests so far.
I have so many more coming foryou.
I'm working on a few soloepisodes, but I hope your fall
is off to a great start.
(00:28):
We do have sweatshirts back upon the website if you want to go
sturdygirlco slash merch.
Those are there with our radtiger illustration on the back
and strength out size.
So check those out.
But today's guest friends, weare going to talk the joys of
podcasting, personal development, but also a couple of content
(00:50):
warnings.
You will notice the little Enext to this episode gets a
little spicy.
There's a few F-bombs, so ifyour kids are listening maybe
you know put the headphones in.
And also just a couple oftrigger warnings.
We do talk about abusiverelationships and coming out of
that.
All good things, nothing bad.
But just a little bit ofwarning.
If there are some sensitivitiesthere, maybe hit fast forward
(01:13):
through the first like sevenminutes of the episode.
So those are your warnings.
Now let me give a little introto Dana.
She does give her own intro,which is pretty great.
She is an entrepreneur in thepersonal development world,
podcast host, motivationalspeaker, working on great
networking events, soon to beauthor and journal creator and
she does talk about the journalthat she's created in this
(01:35):
episode too.
Her main mission is helpingother people with her signature,
dana kick in the ass, somethingshe talks about often on her
podcast.
So let me stop talking abouther and let her do all the
talking.
Here's episode 42.
I realized before hittingrecord that every time I
introduce a guest, I say here'sanother amazing guest, another
(01:58):
exciting guest.
I have another fellow sturdyhuman to chat about.
All kinds of amazing things.
Dana hello, thanks for joiningus.
Speaker 2 (02:06):
Hey, I'm so excited to be here.
So, as Jess already said, myname is Dana.
I am a podcast host,motivational speaker soon to be,
author all the things I have,my own community as well, but
really I'm just a woman fromPhilly on a mission to teach
people to unleash their innerbadass through everything that I
do, even my little social mediaposts.
(02:28):
I am super excited to be herebecause our missions are
definitely aligned and just wantto thank you for the
opportunity.
Speaker 1 (02:35):
Yeah, thanks for being here.
I love chatting, all things,podcasting, so thank you for I'm
going to say commiserating onall of the background stuff that
goes into podcasting.
But no, this is awesome, I wantto know more about what you do.
So you mentioned author,obviously podcaster, which we
can get to, but just thecommunity piece, and then do you
coach?
Like, tell me more about that.
Speaker 2 (02:56):
What I do with my community.
I just started my community inJanuary, so technically I
already had a podcast community,but I recently rebranded to be
Inner Van Ass Reborn because Icreated my community where I
host events.
Right now there's still smallerevents, local, technically
networking events.
My community is mainly womenEveryone's welcome but it's
(03:19):
mainly women who areentrepreneurs, business owners,
aspiring entrepreneurs orbusiness owners or musicians,
and in this community my goal isto just empower women and give
us women that are like too muchor too loud or have felt like
we're not enough or, you know,have been told these like
outdated stigmas and been likegiven this identity.
(03:41):
That's really not who we are.
Speaker 1 (03:43):
It's just really a safe place for everyone.
Speaker 2 (03:45):
Like I say unleash your inner badass.
It's just my way of saying stepinto your power and show up
authentically.
That's like what I live by Ifwe're not living authentically,
we're not living right.
So my community is really justa safe space for women you know,
whether you're aspiring oryou're already an entrepreneur
to come and get support andshare ideas.
(04:06):
My most recent event I did aself like a self-care slash
business event where it was likea business brunch where I
brought a bunch ofentrepreneurial women from all
different fields, like we hadhairstylists, we had podcasters,
waxers.
We just had so many differentpeople.
Philly hype woman, who I love,that's what she titles herself
Philly's Hype Woman.
We had a lot of different badasswomen come together, totally
(04:30):
different businesses, totallydifferent ideas and we just sat
and we ate together and memyself and another speaker spoke
to these women and we hadbrainstorming sets for all of
our businesses and it's justreally this community.
That is starting small, but Ihave like really big plans for
it because I just want to givewomen especially you know, not
(04:52):
just locally like one day I wantto host virtual events where
people from all over can comeand join us.
So it's definitely in beginningstages, but this community is
for all badass women.
Speaker 1 (05:02):
That's so cool and just being able to host local
events.
So you're really tapping into asense of community and genuine
connection, because while you'retalking about virtual events
and getting there, there's somuch pushback on virtual events
post pandemic where people arelike no, no, no In person.
I want to see the people inreal life and hug them.
If that's your thing, right.
(05:24):
That's so cool and to be ableto have a place for people to be
themselves and to share thestruggles and the joys of
entrepreneurial pursuits.
Speaker 2 (05:34):
Yeah, I love it.
For me, like I talk aboutDriftwood a lot on my show and,
just you know, at my events,even I talk about Driftwood
often, because Driftwood is aterm that I learned from Gabby
Bernstein and it's basically yousee someone else's success and
instead of looking at yourselfand comparing your own success
and where you're at in yourjourney, instead of, like
starting to allow negativethoughts to ruminate, you
(05:56):
actually see another woman'ssuccess, even if it's in exactly
what you want to be doing, andyou feel empowered by it and you
feel inspired by it.
What you want to be doing, andyou feel empowered by it and you
feel inspired by it.
And I truly being at this pointin my life where I am fully,
authentically me and confidentin who I am, even on my bad days
, I am so lit up by seeing otherpeople do what they love,
(06:17):
whether it be, like I said, theycould be a hairstylist, like
looking to open up their ownsalon right or go out on their
own.
They could be.
It could be a waxer, it couldbe a motivational speaker, it
could be, you know, an author, amusician.
I just love being around womenwho are just defying the odds
and just no longer lettingsociety tell them who they're
(06:39):
meant to be Right.
So that's like everything thatI do in my motivational speaking
and the events and with thepodcast and with this book that
I'm working on getting published.
It's really all about personaldevelopment in all of its form.
Speaker 1 (06:53):
So okay, you said the term driftwood.
I haven't heard that before.
Speaker 2 (06:57):
So I heard it from Gabby Bernstein, maybe like two
years ago.
She's been like my spiritualteacher from afar.
She doesn't even know it, sheis very spiritual and she has
achieved so much success.
She talks about this term.
It's driftwood is essentiallyyou see someone else's success
and instead of feeling like anynegativity around it, we're
(07:18):
starting to compare yourself.
Or if you start cause we're allhuman and we all compare it's
just what happens, right, youjust flip the script and you say
, wow, that's like a sign thatmy time is coming.
My version of what I'm lookingto achieve is coming, so my
version of success.
This is like the universesending me a sign that like,
okay, this girl just had areally successful event.
(07:39):
That's like a sign from theuniverse for me that my book is
gonna get published or apublisher is going to reach out
to me, something like that itreminds me of what is the other
term expanders.
Speaker 1 (07:50):
That's another one that I heard recently from a
good friend of mine, as far as,like, if you are wanting to do
this thing and it seems like outof your realm of capability,
it's not something that you,it's outside your zone of genius
, if you will and it's like, ohman, I don't know if I can do
this.
This is a lot, there's a lot toget there, and then you meet
someone who looks like you anddoes similar things as you and
(08:11):
they're doing that thing.
That's an expander.
So you learn, like this thingthat I didn't think was possible
is actually possible and thatgives you the I don't want to
say hope, but all of thosefeelings and the drive towards
like, hey, okay, I'm giving thisthing a shot.
Speaker 2 (08:26):
Yeah, and it gives you that good feeling, emotion,
like we truly we can'taccomplish anything without
attaching ourselves to how we'llfeel after we accomplish it.
Part of my daily routine isconnecting with my goals.
One of my goals that I writedown has to do with the podcast
every day, and I really connectto how that, like I feel as if
(08:47):
it's already happened.
And that's what driftwood is.
It's getting us into the stateof mind where we feel the
gratitude, the joy of achievingthat thing already.
Because when we can connect towhat we will feel when we get
there, it's like us showing theuniverse whatever you believe in
God, whatever that's out therethat's bigger than us, right,
(09:08):
it's like us showing this iswhat I am reaching for.
And instead of reaching forthat other mindset, right, where
it's like, oh well, how did sheget this?
Or she had this handed to her,you know, like starting to get
away from that lacking mindsetand go into abundant mindset.
That's how we achieve our goals.
We can work tirelessly for therest of our lives and never get
to where we want to go if wedon't align our thoughts and
(09:32):
behaviors with where we're going.
So that's essentially why, likeDriftwood has just hearing that
term and I tell everyone aboutit now, like I had and have for
the last two years, because it'schanged the way that I think
about everything.
Speaker 1 (09:45):
When you have that understanding of how important
mindset is, how important the,what does it say?
Where your focus goes, yourenergy flows, I love that.
Okay, so podcast is calledInner Badass Reborn and that's
also your community, right?
So you kind of rebranded.
Have those all together.
Does the podcast or community?
Does it have an origin story?
Does this have anything to dowith your like rising from the
(10:07):
ashes?
Oh, hell, yeah, tell me thestories.
I want to hear all about it,please.
Speaker 2 (10:11):
Oh, hell yeah.
So from age like 16 to 21, Iwas in a very abusive
relationship Just a briefbackstory for my childhood Like
my parents this is not to talkbad on them, I love them both
but they were really focused onmy brother and didn't really
think they needed to worry aboutme because I wasn't the problem
child, so to say, and so Ididn't really get the parental
(10:34):
guidance I needed.
I wound up being put out on myown at 16.
I was like in my rebel state ofmind anyway, so I was like
whatever, hell yeah, you know Ican do this Right.
And I was kind of wanting to beas like a fuck you to my
parents, show them that I coulddo it, because I was just like
you know what.
Speaker 1 (10:50):
It is what it is.
Speaker 2 (10:51):
And so I went through a really dark time in my life,
you know, was with this person,who he's the definition of a
narcissist like not this modernday like, but the true hardcore
narcissist, and I allowed him tojust do awful things to me and
treat me in awful ways, and inthat, I lost who I was.
I went from being this bold,badass version of myself to not
(11:13):
even knowing who I was and tofeeling like so negative and
being so close-minded andconstantly focused on lack.
And after going through so manyyears like that, I had some
really horrible experiencesduring that time and in 2017, I
started to get this like inkling.
I'm like okay, I know, I needto leave this.
(11:34):
I need to figure this out.
I have no support.
At that time, I had lost most ofmy friends being in this, and
so I'm like where do I go fromhere?
And I just kept taking likelittle baby steps to better my
life.
Eventually, I was able to get atownhouse I was renting it, but
I was able to get my ownfoundation.
I didn't put his name on it,like I let him move in with me,
(11:54):
but it was near my family whereI grew up.
I was like building my roots andslowly but surely was like
getting myself away from himreading personal development
books, reigniting this fireinside of myself.
And I say I had this mirrorawakening.
Speaker 1 (12:09):
I woke up one day and it was literally.
Speaker 2 (12:11):
I woke up one day, but it was years in the making.
It didn't just happen overnight,right, but it was a one day
thing where I woke up and I waslike same routine.
Got up, went in the bathroomand I was looking at myself in
the mirror and I'm like this isnot it, this is not as good as
it gets for you, and likeliterally saying this to my.
I get chills every time I tellthis story because I feel like
I'm back in that moment and I'mso empowered by it every time I
(12:34):
tell this story, because Iliterally looked at myself in
the mirror and I was like thisisn't it, dana, this isn't you,
this isn't the life that youwere meant to live.
Right, you were made for more,and it was the first time since
15 years old that I had feltthis feeling like I am put here
to do something and it's notthis and I don't have to stay
with this person, I don't haveto be in this abusive
(12:54):
relationship.
And I took this little, tinybit of responsibility that led
to everything that.
Speaker 1 (13:01):
I'm now living.
Speaker 2 (13:02):
It was in that one moment, I mean within two weeks
I got him out of my house.
Within a month I had aprotection order against him.
I really woke up, like theblinders came off and I finally
saw what my life was and slowlybut surely got on this healing
journey, started growing rightand just started reading and I
(13:22):
went to a couple personaldevelopment conferences and
really went inward.
I spent so much time alone but,like for the first time, my
life didn't feel lonely.
I was alone but I felt likeconnected to something bigger
than me, and that's how I woundup on this journey.
And now you know the that Iwrote the work that I do.
it's all for that youngerversion of me because I know so
(13:42):
many women out there are havingand living that experience right
now in their own version of it,and so everything that I do is
for that reason.
Speaker 1 (13:51):
Do you feel like the mirror moment?
You said it's years in themaking and the lead up.
What got you into reading, likepersonal development books,
ways of improving yourself.
Was there a person or somethingthat you read somewhere that,
like, started you on this path?
That then led to finally like,oh my God, I looked in the
mirror and knew that this wasnot what I wanted for myself.
Speaker 2 (14:12):
I'll say I was living in hotel rooms for like a month
or two.
It was like the lowest point inmy life and the person that I
was with was also a drug addict,so he was in like really active
addiction and it was bad.
He was like very paranoid, allthe things, and I just remember
sitting there writing in thisjournal.
I got from the dollar storejust writing quotes and like how
(14:32):
I felt I found my love forwriting again, which made me
find my love for reading again.
I can't remember who the firstauthor was that I read, maybe
Jen Sincero.
I can't remember what the bookwas, but I went to the bookstore
literally the next day, like Iwas sitting in there writing in
my journal.
The night before the next day Iwent to the bookstore and I was
like just browsing.
Speaker 1 (14:51):
I'm like I'm going to find something that can help me
.
Speaker 2 (14:54):
And I went to the nonfiction section.
I found a book and I read itand it wasn't like life changing
.
The book wasn't life changing,but I got some confidence out of
it.
Speaker 1 (15:03):
And then it was like little by little and it wasn't
all at once.
Speaker 2 (15:06):
Like weeks went by and then I would go search for
another book at you know mybreak at lunch when I wasn't
with him, so I had my free timeright.
I would just little by littlekeep reading and every time I
read another book it ignitedsomething else in me and it
clicked.
Everything that I was reading,I'm like I feel like I already
know this stuff, like I feellike it's already within me.
I just forgot.
Speaker 1 (15:31):
Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.
Okay, so how was it trying toleave that relationship?
You know you mentioned it beingabusive, mentioned the person
being in ours.
It's like that's really hard.
Speaker 2 (15:36):
It was a lot.
I mean, he stole my car.
He was like pawning my stuff.
It was crazy, very chaotic.
They know how to play on yourempathy and it got to a point
where I was like you canliterally take everything that's
in that house, that's mine, Idon't care.
You can take all of it Not mycar, obviously but you can take
everything inside of the house,but you need to leave.
(15:57):
And during those two weeks of melike officially getting him out
, I was in and out, right, I wasjust going to work and then
staying out as late as possibleand then going home, sleeping,
going back to work, keepingmyself occupied.
But, honestly, the yearsleading up to that were so
suffocating for me that thosetwo weeks, the chaos that that
brought, was nothing compared tothe life I was living.
(16:20):
And so, although it was hard, Ifelt free, even before I got
him out of my house.
It was like I literally cutthat energetic cord and I get
chills talking about it, becauseI felt like there was just
something bigger than me holdingmy hand along that way, like I
didn't have anybody, I didn'thave friends, I didn't have
family, like my family, totallyoutcasted me, I was on my own
(16:41):
but I never felt more free orempowered in my life.
Speaker 1 (16:45):
That's a really powerful story and to have
cultivated such a strong senseof self-trust, a strong
relationship with yourselfbecause that's a big part of
this where you're like I didn'thave a support system.
I had to be my entire supportsystem.
I knew the best thing for mewas to get out of this situation
.
You'd grown to the point whereyou're like all right, I trust
me to make these decisions andbe able to take care of myself.
(17:09):
You talk about a lot ofauthenticity and taking back
your power, and part of beingable to take back your power is
one, knowing you have it in thefirst place.
Two, trusting yourself.
And three, knowing what thehell you want, Because that's
part of that, too, where you'retalking.
So many years being in a placeof feeling like you were
suffocating, being in anunhealthy relationship on so
many levels with this otherperson, you lose sight of what
(17:32):
you want, you lose sight of whoyou are, what you like, and
that's something that taking youout of this relationship.
So lose sight of who you are,what you like, and that's
something that taking you out ofthis relationship.
So many people that I talk toI'm going to say women, because
I work mainly with women.
The relationship with ourselvesoften starts with those
questions of like well, what doI like?
We've been doing this sameroutine and going through these
motions for so long.
But do we actually like eatingfive egg whites for breakfast on
(17:55):
a piece of, like, whole graintoast?
That's super bland.
No, fuck, no, I don't, it'sgross.
Okay, well, what do I like?
And then you're able to explorethose pieces.
Or like I've been dressing thesame way for a decade.
Do I actually like that?
Do I actually like getting upat 5am every day?
Do I actually like these things?
And being able to ask yourselflike is this the person I want
to be?
Are the things that I want todo?
(18:16):
Do I like them?
Because that relationship ofbeing like here are my likes and
dislikes, here's the person Iwant to be, and that's like.
Speaker 2 (18:23):
That other piece of liking and disliking is like
your values got called intoquestion and you're like not
living in accordance with myvalues it was literally all that
all at once and I think that'swhy it felt so freeing, even in
the midst of the chaos, becauseI had this like new hunger and
like thirst to just live, toreally live.
Like I felt like I had beenasleep for five, six years,
(18:46):
however long it was that I waswith him, like I felt like I had
just woken up from a five yearslumber and just had like this
little like grip of who I wasand I was so excited to find out
, like more about me, right.
And, like you said, I was likewell, I know what I don't like,
but what do I like?
Do I like you know, wearingthat, my style?
Speaker 1 (19:06):
is totally different than it was, then I'll tell you
that, right, and I stoppedwearing makeup for like years.
Speaker 2 (19:11):
I just started wearing makeup again, and it's
2024.
I left him in 2018.
It's been a good while and it'sbecause I think it was just
like I had done so many thingsto like please, everyone else,
especially him and it was likethe most fun experience to like
when you find yourself again.
You yes, you have to go inwardand you have to be okay with
(19:31):
being alone right.
Because you want to be able toattract the right people into
your life.
You don't want to attractanother narcissist right, you
don't want to attract anotherperson who's going to inevitably
betray you in some way, likeyou want to get good with
yourself so that you can live alife you want, and I think it
was so bad for me that that wasso clear.
I took myself out on dates.
(19:52):
That was a huge thing for me onhow I could get comfortable
being alone.
Speaker 1 (19:57):
It was very uncomfortable.
Speaker 2 (19:58):
People would look at me like why is this girl out by
herself on a Friday night at thebar?
But I loved it.
I made it a routine everyFriday after work I would take
myself out to eat and it was howI got comfortable being alone.
It was the first time in mylife that I ever could have like
the balls to go out and go to arestaurant by myself and sit by
myself at a nice restaurant,right, and I think it's just
(20:20):
really important for anyonelistening.
If you find yourself in a placewhere you feel lost, you're
going to feel lost multipletimes in life.
That's just a part of living.
You know.
You go through seasons of yourlife and some seasons are harder
than others and I've definitelybeen faced with am I being true
to myself?
Am I making myself smaller tomake myself more digestible for
other people?
(20:40):
And I have to do thosecheck-ins with myself even after
so long.
And I think it's important forthe listeners to get like only
you can decide who you are.
Only you can decide what you'reworth, and there's nothing more
empowering than stepping intothat.
Agreed.
Speaker 1 (20:54):
I want to talk your thoughts on.
Can I thoughts on self-love andthe relationship with yourself.
But one thing I want to saybefore this and I'm laughing
because it's such a currentsuper deep rabbit hole of mine
that I get really excited aboutit.
So let me set the context foryou.
With Sturdy Girl, a lot of mysolo episodes are on body image,
(21:15):
on self-confidence andresilience, and I try to make it
as evidence-based as I can.
So I love reading body image,on self-confidence and
resilience and I try to make itas evidence based as I can.
So I love reading body imageresearch and a lot of body image
research is based on acceptanceand commitment therapy as a
modality, and acceptance andcommitment therapy has its basis
in a lot of Buddhist principlesand so naturally I have been
down an absolute Buddhist rabbithole recently.
(21:37):
I am not a religious person,necessarily, but reading about
these principles in BuddhismI'll tie this back, like with
relationship to ourselves.
A lot of the conversationaround Buddhist principles and I
should say, the book I'mreading right now there's a lot
more about Buddhism that I don'tknow and I'm not going to
pretend that I do theconversation of cultivating the
skill to be able to sit withyour own thoughts is huge.
(21:59):
When we talk about any level ofself-acceptance, let alone
getting to know ourselves, andyou talking about being able to
go out and go to places byyourself, have dinner solo, that
comes first from being able tosit down in an empty room with
just your thoughts and there are.
I'm going to butcher thestudies off the top of my head.
(22:21):
There was a study done where itwas more or less like you have
the option to sit with yourselfor administer a mild electric
shock, and more than half of thepeople chose to administer a
mild electric shock tothemselves.
That is how disconnected we arefrom ourselves.
And so when we talk about all ofthese things to improve our
(22:41):
lives, let's say like bigpicture, it starts internal.
It starts with being able tosit in that internal world, and
if that place is not a safeplace to go to, is not
comfortable in a lot of ways,then we're going to avoid it.
And then we're going to seekthose things that we need from
ourselves and other people, andthat's going to further things.
And then we're going to seekthose things that we need from
ourselves and other people, andthat's going to further things.
So this is an absolute tangentand I'm probably butchering like
(23:04):
if anyone's like Buddhist andlistening to this and they're
like, oh my God, jess, you'vejust ruined this.
But it's taking and readingthings and then what you take
away from it.
But that internal world is so,so important when we go all the
way up to because, right, if wethink of this along the lines of
levels, right, because we startout with kind of this level of
like self-loathing, self-hatred,and then it's trying to build
(23:26):
up from there.
If we get to thatself-acceptance, and then we're
looking at, like, what is takingour power back, what does
authenticity mean to us?
And learning to be ourselves.
And that comes from that placeof self-acceptance.
Speaker 2 (23:44):
And you can't get there without it.
You can't.
Speaker 1 (23:45):
It's funny because.
Speaker 2 (23:45):
I call it a Dana kick in the ass.
My listeners know I give.
I give that very often in mytalks and eventually I will,
when I work with you, knowone-on-one with clients.
But I give advice in the mostloving but blunt way because
that's how I learned and I knowthat sometimes, when it comes to
this work, we have to say isthis way, or the highway, it's
this way, or keep living thelife you're living.
Guys say you can either keepsurviving or you can start
living.
Speaker 1 (24:03):
And the choice is yours, right, we get this choice
.
Speaker 2 (24:05):
Every day of our lives, we wake up, we get to
choose, and you get to choose todo the things that are going to
benefit you, or choose to livea life that is comfortable.
And, to be real, I'muncomfortable all the time.
It's not in this negativeaspect, right, it's not.
I don't feel uncomfortable inthe sense where I feel like I am
not where I'm meant to be.
I feel uncomfortable where I'mlike anytime.
(24:25):
I feel like I'm getting too inthe groove.
I'm like I got to pivot a littlebit because I'm not pushing
myself, because if we're notuncomfortable, you're not
growing, and that's why peopledon't like to go inward because
it's scary.
My husband has said this amillion times.
It is intimidating seeing howmuch time I spend alone and my
morning routine that I do is soextensive now because I've been
(24:46):
working on it for years and youdon't have to spend two hours a
day alone.
But I am saying that I am whereI am today because of all the
time I've committed to myself.
That's what self-love is.
Self-care isn't taking a bubblebath.
Self-care is sitting with ajournal and a pen and facing the
uncomfortable shit that's inyour head Because, look, I have
some crazy things going on in myhead right.
(25:07):
Sometimes, even still, I gettriggered and instead of lashing
out on my husband, I'm going topull out that journal and by
the end of that journaling seshI'm going to be like, okay,
that's definitely a little crazyend of that journaling sesh.
I'm going to be like okay,that's definitely a little crazy
, but I feel better.
It was a story I was tellingmyself.
That's not even based onreality.
It's based on a trigger that Ihad.
And why was I triggered?
Here's the root cause, and Itell everyone if you have no
(25:28):
idea where to start, start witha journal and a pen and sit
there and literally turn offyour phone, turn off your
computer and sit there until yougain the bravery and the
courage to write something downand make that a daily practice.
I started with five minutes.
Now some days I'm journalingfor 20 minutes because I have a
lot to get out and it means thatI'm not going out into the
world every day just projectingall the stuff I'm holding onto
(25:51):
onto everyone else.
And that's when real growthhappens, when we face ourselves,
and it takes bravery right.
It's not easy, I'm not going tosit here and say it is, but the
life you're living is not easyeither.
It's just you're comfortable inyour discomfort that you're
feeling because, to be real,your comfortable place that
you're in it's not your bestplace.
So how could that really bewhat's best for you?
(26:12):
It's not, and so you can eitherchoose to stay in this place
that feels safe, but really yourfear, like we should honor our
fears.
Speaker 1 (26:22):
That fear is in place to keep us safe, and safe a lot
of times is that comfort zone,and I have talked about this
book on literally everyinterview that I have done in
the last few weeks.
But have you read the ComfortCrisis?
Speaker 2 (26:34):
I haven't.
Who's that by?
Speaker 1 (26:36):
Michael Easter, you've got to add it to your
list.
It's one of those that like, ifthere is one book to recommend,
that is my book right now thatI have just been like, please
read this.
Here you go.
It'll change your life.
And it's interesting too, likethe sitting with the discomfort,
because a lot of times peopleI'm really generalizing here the
common conception of gettingoutside of your comfort zone is
(26:56):
doing extreme things, and whatwe're talking about in getting
outside our comfort zone issitting with our thoughts.
Speaker 2 (27:02):
It's the most basic things.
My listeners sometimes laughlike they'll write into the
hotline and be like you know,Dana, it pisses me off that you
get on here and you tell us todo the same things, but once I
finally started doing, thesethings that you tell me to do?
They actually work and I'm likeyes, see, yeah, you see, I'm
not trying to talk, just to talkright, I'm giving practices
that I have done.
Speaker 1 (27:28):
And I do the same things today that I did five
years ago.
Speaker 2 (27:30):
That got me to where I am today, and I will do it
five years from now, and I'lljust tell you what my morning
routine is.
It's I move my body, whetherit's an hour or 20 minutes,
whatever works for me.
I move my body First thing.
I wake up at 4am to do that.
You've been pregnant.
I love that, though.
I don't do it because I have todo it, because I get to and I
love it.
So for some people that's notthat's not for them and that's
okay, but for these next coupleof practices.
(27:50):
These practices are foreverybody and I say, if you tell
me you're not a journaler, it'sbecause you never tried and
you're too scared to try.
Every morning I do a gratitudepractice.
I actually created a journalthat I sell that has all this in
it, but I write down six verysmall things that I'm grateful
for that happened in the last 24hours.
Speaker 1 (28:07):
So I can't write.
I'm grateful for my husband.
I can't write.
I'm grateful for that.
I'm pregnant, right.
Speaker 2 (28:11):
I have to write something that actually happened
that gets me looking for thingsto be grateful for all day
rather than looking for thingsto be miserable about all day,
and then I write down myintentions for the day.
How do I want to feel, how do Iwant to show up today, and what
are three things that Iabsolutely must achieve today
for me to feel like I have beenproductive.
(28:32):
And then I write down 10 goalsand some of those goals are
within six months achievable andsome of them are going to take
10 years, right.
And then I do anywhere fromfive to 30 minutes of free
writing and I drag mine outbecause I meditate and I sit
there and I sip my coffee and Ijust really like it's a ritual
for me.
Speaker 1 (28:50):
But for people starting out it doesn't have to
be extreme.
Speaker 2 (28:52):
We don't need to do extreme things.
Extremes never work.
When you try to make everythingin your life a big deal, then
nothing's important right andyou'll never be consistent with
something that's hard to do.
These practices are easy, youknow you'll be consistent with
them and that's what the journalI created is meant to do.
It's meant to create aconsistent morning routine that
takes honestly, you could take10 minutes to do this journal
(29:14):
every day.
Speaker 1 (29:15):
It's really cool that you created that.
I love the thought of agratitude practice because
gratitude is one of thosebuzzwords Some people feel woo
woo or don't tap into this.
I had an interview last weekwith someone about this.
She's a yoga and meditationinstructor and so we leaned into
just more of what gratitudeactually is and I was like this
(29:37):
for a long time.
Where gratitude is just likewhat am I going to write Like
I'm thankful for coffee, I'mthankful for my dogs, whatever?
And it's understanding thattruly, no matter what you
believe the universe, a higherpower, a singular God, plural
gods, whatever when there isrecognition of the insanity that
is you existing on this planetat this particular time and
(29:57):
space, it shifts yourperspective on like.
I read a story about someonewho lost function in their hands
in their 30s and suddenly thenext day in my gratitude
practice I was like these handsfunction and work for me and I
am so thankful for the myriad ofthings that allows me to do.
You know, pay my bills becauseI work with my hands.
Speaker 2 (30:18):
It's because it brings you into the present
moment, literally what you justsaid, not to cut you off, but,
like gratitude, practice bringsyou into current day.
For example, last week had theworst week, not not this week,
but last week was like thehardest week for me.
I was finding dead animals inmy backyard left and right and
I'm pregnant, so that's reallysad and it was just a whole
thing.
It was one thing after another.
I was having a horrible weekand I still went and I found
(30:42):
things to be grateful for everymorning.
And had I not had that practice, I would not have been present.
I would have been a ball ofanxiety all week.
I would have had no outlet,right, I would have felt so
triggered all day, but because Ihad these practices, no, I
wasn't at my best.
I'm not going to sit here andBS you like you're not going to
feel 100% just because you did agratitude practice.
But if it's, something you doevery day.
(31:03):
It equips you to handle thehard stuff in life.
When tragedy hit my family in2020, I was completely equipped
to handle it.
It was profoundly difficult.
I was heartbroken and when Isuffered a profound loss in my
life very unexpectedly, but Iwas able to get through it
because of these small thingsand people think I'm insane when
I say that, but I'm like justtry it and watch when the next
(31:26):
time something hard happens inyour life how much better
equipped you are to handle that.
Speaker 1 (31:30):
So two things, one being going back to like the
journal practice where you'relike the people who are like, oh
, I can't do that or I've neverbeen able to do it, or whatever
else.
One of the things that I talkto with clients is okay, if
writing does not feel likesomething that is in your
wheelhouse for writing outthoughts or feelings, voice memo
, record it.
If writing out completesentences doesn't feel like your
(31:51):
jam, make it single words,forget about grammar.
Like let it come out, type iton your computer, like what
makes it most accessible.
I love to journal.
I've journaled since fourth orfifth grade but I went through a
season where like writing wasjust not doing it for me and so
I would record voice memos likeI was talking to my best friend
Not necessarily send them,because Lord knows she didn't
(32:11):
need like a 17 minute voice memoevery single day, but having
that piece of like, if you'retalking to someone who you know
loves and cares about youunconditionally, because
eventually what you're doing isyou're saying these things out
loud and you're understandinglike, oh, I actually care about
myself unconditionally, like therelationship with myself, you
can come back around to that.
Speaker 2 (32:29):
Exactly, and that's how you step into your power.
I mean, I love the voice notes.
I still use voice notessometimes, even though I'm big
on journaling, so I like to beable to go back.
I labeled them therapy and Iput the date.
There's no therapist there,it's just me, and it's just
sometimes like when.
I'm in the moment and I'mfeeling triggered, like maybe
something my husband didtriggered me, or at my day job I
(32:50):
get triggered.
Instead of like reacting to that, I go and I make a voice memo
and I let it out, and suddenlyI'm like, and then I breathe for
a second, I'm like wow, I feellike not a hundred percent but I
feel better.
Right, and it's just thatlittle practice and it grounds
us and then you realize youdon't have to reach outside of
(33:12):
yourself for that right.
Speaker 1 (33:12):
You don't have to project, you don't have to react
, you don't have to call yourbest friend frantically every
time something happens, right,you can be your own best friend,
you saying like, okay, myhusband said something and it
triggered on some level andyou're like, what the hell?
You gave space between actionand reaction and that's a skill
that is such a skill to bepracticed.
So, when you're talking abouthere all the things that led up
to me being able to cultivatethat skill, especially in a
marriage, it's so huge, and Imean not just a marriage, but
(33:33):
your friendships, everyrelationship in your life.
But it also works for yourselftoo, with noticing thoughts that
come up and then you're justlike, ok, hang on.
That really made me feel sometype of way, where did that come
from?
And made me feel some type ofway, where did that come from.
And so you're just the more youpractice that.
So that's what journaling does,is you're letting things come
up, come out, writing them out,and then you're like, is that
really true?
Do I want that to be true?
No, not really.
(33:54):
Okay, and moving from there, butshifting this for a second,
where we've talked about justrelationship with ourselves, so
much you talk about self-love.
From reading that I have donefrom some of the research and
just from my understanding andhow I coach on this, I don't
talk a lot about self-love inthe maybe social media
mainstream kind of way thatpeople think of self-love as
(34:15):
like I love myselfunconditionally, no matter what,
in all the ways of all thethings.
Okay, actually I'm turning thisto you, I'm not even going to
it.
Tell me how you defineself-love, because I feel like
we're somewhat on the same pageof like our feels on this and so
I don't want to project, sotell me.
Speaker 2 (34:29):
Yeah, self-love to me , and what I teach too, is it's
not this like delusionalconfidence in yourself.
We're not the Lulu.
Okay, I love to sit here andrepost these memes that talk
about being the Lulu, but at theend of the day, in reality,
self-love is viewing yourselffor exactly who you are.
In this moment, I can show upand I can have a reaction, and I
(34:52):
can have accountability forthat reaction and say I still
value who I am, I still know myvalue, I know my worth.
It doesn't mean I'm a perfecthuman either.
I don't like this version ofself-love that we see on social
media because it talks aboutusing affirmations and you know,
and I do like affirmations butwe try to tell someone who
literally hates themselves andwe tell themselves to say I love
(35:13):
you in the mirror and that'sgoing to change their life.
You can't lie to yourself.
You're not ever going to takethat huge leap.
It's not possible.
I hated myself too at one point.
Right, I started to love myselfonce.
I gave myself the space to justfuck up.
And you give yourself the spaceto just be who you are Like I
wouldn't be here today if Ididn't give myself the space to
be a very triggered version ofmyself for a while.
(35:35):
And in those moments I wasn'tsitting here like delusional,
like I'm amazing, because Iwasn't, I had work to do.
But my core self, who I am at mycore, my values, who I show up
as, who I intend to show up as,that's self-love.
I love her, but I'm, in that,able to say, okay, I love myself
(35:56):
, but I'm also always going tohold myself accountable.
There's a big thing on socialmedia right now where everyone
is like, as soon as they get ina relationship with someone, if
they, if they have like one redflag or they do one thing wrong,
oh we'll screw them on to thenext one.
And I don't believe in that,because imagine yourself, you
look at yourself and you make amistake and you suddenly believe
you're a horrible person.
That's why we have a worldliving this way in relationships
right now, because you're not ahorrible person because you
(36:18):
made a mistake, you're going tomake a thousand mistakes.
You can still love yourselfthrough them while holding
yourself accountable.
I think we're in a state ofthat delusional self-love versus
the real self-love where youlook at yourself in the mirror
and you see we all have flawsand those flaws make me who I am
and I love myself because of myflaws.
My husband loves to remind methat.
(36:38):
I have an attitude and I used toliterally hate that about
myself, but that makes me who Iam.
And guess what?
That attitude is not foreverybody.
I am not for everybody and Iteach my listeners self-love is
knowing you're not for everyoneand being cool with that.
As long as you know you areshowing up as a good human,
you're not going around being anasshole to everyone, then
(36:59):
that's self-love, right?
Self-love isn't I'm going topretend that I'm happy and
positive all the time, even whenI'm not.
That's actually the opposite ofself-love.
That's doing yourself adisservice, going around in the
world being someone that you'renot 100%.
Speaker 1 (37:13):
Sometimes I feel like talking about loving yourself
can be triggering to people, andso in the first season of
Sturdy Girl, there is an episodecalled Do you have to Love
Yourself?
And ultimately, the answer isno.
You can have a healthyrelationship with yourself
without that love.
And I think a lot of whatyou're describing, too, is that
self-compassion piece being ableto look in the mirror and, yes,
(37:34):
you are accepting of yourselfas a human, but you're holding
yourself accountable becausethat self-compassion piece of
yeah, okay, I'm tired, thereforeI need to go to bed earlier
versus I'm tired, but I'm goingto modify this workout that I
wanted to get done instead ofskipping it completely, because
I'm holding myself accountable,and I think that both and of the
self-love is unconditional inthe piece of and this is
(37:56):
something that I still havetrouble explaining to people is
that view yourself like you doyour best front.
You aren't going to discardthem after one mistake.
You recognize that they'regoing to have bad days If you so
I think about these voice memosthat you record for yourself.
If your friend sent you thatvoice memo and they're like I
had the absolute, freaking worstday.
(38:18):
This happened, this happened.
I said this, I was an assholeto this person.
I did this.
You're not going to listen tothat and be like, oh my God, you
are a terrible person, I and belike, oh my God, you are a
terrible person, I don't evenlike you, let alone love you
anymore.
No, you're gonna hear that andbe like shit, you did have a
really bad day.
I'm so glad you were able toshare that with me.
Like you know how you wouldrespond, thinking about that in
terms of how you talk toyourself, how you respond to
(38:39):
yourself, and that's a lot ofwhat that self-love and
compassion piece is in workingon that relationship.
So I really liked yourdescription too.
Speaker 2 (38:46):
I just think that so many people hear self-love and
they're like oh, like I don'teven know if I it's because
they're so far from that Right.
Like I truly can say I'm at apoint in my life where I do love
myself, Like I am proud ofmyself and I'm my own
cheerleader.
Like I truly am at a pointwhere I don't need anyone else
to cheer.
Like when someone else cheersme on, it's like I take it with
a grain of salt, Just like Iwould take a criticism with a
(39:07):
grain of salt.
But it didn't happen.
Like it took seven years for meto get here.
And I didn't get here by tellingmyself that I love myself every
day.
I got here because I was justlike, willing to look at myself
in the mirror period, Just lookat myself for who I was showing
up as, without sitting there andtearing myself apart every day.
And I think what we're goingwrong as a society is we're
(39:29):
convincing ourselves that welove ourselves, even though we
don't like a lot of people don't, but they're saying that they
do right.
And then we're expectingeveryone else that's coming in
and out of our lives to beperfect too, Because perfect is
not real.
But how we're viewing our quoteunquote love for ourselves is
like this made up version ofwhat self lovelove is, and now
we're projecting that ontorelationships too.
So I love what you said and Ithink it's so important to tell
(39:52):
people like I've never thoughtof it in that way, Like you
don't need to love yourselfright now.
It's about showing yourselfthat grace and compassion.
I totally agree.
Speaker 1 (40:00):
It's such a canyon between self-loathing and
self-love, and so some people,they see that and they're like,
well, how the hell do I get fromone side to the other?
There's all this space inbetween.
Is it self-respect,self-acceptance, is it?
You know, looking along thoselines and maybe we never get to
love, and that's okay.
Speaker 2 (40:16):
I think it's too much pressure to be like you have to
love yourself.
I don't think on my show or ingeneral, I've ever said you
don't have to love yourself.
I always just tell people it's.
You're not ever going to loveyourself overnight.
But I love your perspective andthe way you explain that,
because it's so important forpeople Like I wish I had someone
to tell me that when I washating myself right.
Speaker 1 (40:34):
It's powerful and that was a big turning point for
me.
I think in this whole.
I call it a lot more like thebody image journey, but it's
also that like relationship ofself journey.
It was my therapist and she'slike you don't have to love
yourself.
That's not ever what we'retalking about.
Can you learn to respectyourself enough to like, take
care of your body?
Can we talk about that?
And that's where you start.
(40:54):
She was like I don't care rightnow if you don't like yourself.
I don't care if you look in themirror like we'll get to caring
about that, but right now Ineed you to understand that if
you respect your body like yourphysical being, you're going to
nourish it and you're going totake care of it and eventually
that respect is going to extendinto your brain as well.
And that relationship withyourself and I was like, okay, I
(41:15):
think I can do that You'restreaming down my face.
Speaker 2 (41:18):
I think that will help people like get there even
quicker, honestly get to thatself-love point and again, like
you said, I think it's reallyhelpful to say you don't ever
have to get there.
But from experience I know thathaving that mindset and taking
that pressure off yourself, youcan get there and you can get
there quicker.
I love that.
Wow, I'd never heard anyoneexplain it that way.
Speaker 1 (41:38):
I'm glad it was helpful.
So question for you just sincewe have been talking about
self-love as you have defined it, and those pieces, are there
any kind of takeaways that youcould give the audience on how
you worked towards self-love orhow you coach on working towards
improving your relationshipwith yourself?
Speaker 2 (41:53):
Yeah, definitely, I'm going to give small things
again.
Everything comes down to likethe most basic things.
First thing I would say do whatI did and take yourself out to
eat.
I don't care, if you only do itone time in your life, take
yourself out on a date.
So maybe being at a restaurantmight sound like too much for
(42:13):
you Take yourself out to acoffee shop.
Take yourself out somewhere inpublic by yourself and not to
Target.
Okay, because we all know wewant to all go to Target by
ourselves, so our boyfriends orhusbands or wives don't know how
much we're spending money, howmuch money we're spending at
Target, right?
I'm talking about take yourselfout on a date, get dressed up,
make it a thing, right?
Get dressed up as if yourhusband or your wife or your
(42:34):
partner is taking you out andreally be present in that
experience Don't sit on yourphone the whole time Give
yourself like one hour.
take yourself out to eat Even ifit's a restaurant you've been
to before, it doesn't have to besomething completely new.
And how that helps self-love isjust getting comfortable being
by yourself.
That's what that really is.
And it's one thing to becomfortable by yourself at home.
It's another thing to putyourself out into the world by
yourself.
It's like not even findingcomfort.
It's just learning how to bealone around other people
(42:56):
without feeling lonely.
And then another thing I wouldsay, which you're probably gonna
laugh at, but one thing I doany day that I am having a hard
day and I'm feeling not my bestday that I am having a hard day
and I'm feeling not my best, Iput on an outfit, and it's
almost always the same outfitthat makes me feel good, because
when I look good physically,when I feel like I look good, I
feel better.
So on my bad days I have anoutfit that I wear like one
(43:18):
outfit in my closet that I wearevery bad day and I put on and
they just make like I might domy makeup that day, I might do
my hair.
It puts me in an energy offeeling good and it doesn't.
It's not going to make me lovemyself, but it's going to make
me feel better that day.
Another thing I would just sayon top of it doesn't have to be
journaling, but dedicate 30minutes to yourself every day.
So if you don't like to journal, do the voice memo, the notes
(43:40):
app in your phone, do a guidedmeditation, go for a walk
outside without a podcast.
Like I know, we're on a podcast.
I want you to listen.
But do go outside and take awalk without your phone If you
live in a safe area to do so.
And just 30 minutes, that's it.
Everybody in the world has 30minutes.
I know people with four kidswho have an hour to themselves
every morning.
(44:00):
So please do not make excusesfor yourself, because as much as
we want to show ourselves grace, we also need to hold ourselves
accountable.
How you can do that is dedicate30 minutes in your day, every
single day, to doing somethingto fill your own cup up.
And then just one more thingthat I love to suggest to
everyone is create a joy list.
A joy list can containsomething as small as having a
(44:21):
cup of coffee outside on yourdeck as the sun rises, to
something as big as taking atrip to Italy, and I always
recommend putting this in yourphone.
I'm a big writer, but I love toput the joy list in your phone
and you can add to it wheneveryou want or subtract from it
whenever you want.
But the beauty is, when you'rehaving a hard day or you're
starting to feel overwhelmed,you can pick something off that
(44:41):
list to do that day.
So it could be something sosmall, so simple, as like
grabbing a coffee for yourself.
That gives me joy A pumpkinspice latte.
I'm so basic in that way.
That brings me so much joy.
So that would be my lastsuggestion, because adding joy
into your own life yourself andnot expecting other people to
give you that joy, best way tostart to learn to care for
(45:02):
yourself.
Speaker 1 (45:02):
Okay.
So three things.
One, 100% hot in my like wrapup quick questions was going to
ask you if you were a pumpkinspice latte fan, so thank you
for answering that.
Two, we call those coffeesemotional support coffee.
And three, this joy list piece.
Oh my gosh, okay.
I talk about this so frequentlywith clients just in the context
(45:23):
of when we get in funks Likethere are a couple of Sturdy
Girl episodes about this too ofjust getting ourselves out of
maybe a rut or a funk or brainspace that isn't supportive.
Having that joy list, havingthose things where you're like
what is something that brings mejoy, what is something that,
even if joy feels too big, issomething that brings me a sense
of contentment, a sense ofhappiness, even if it's
(45:44):
momentary, like my first thingthat comes to mind, it is so
small.
So one of my dogs is an Aussieand he has ears like velvet and
I cannot tell you how many timesthat I am stressed or having a
bad day or having the feels,whatever it might be, and
slowing down and petting hisfreaking ears is one of those
moments where you're like okay,maybe things aren't so bad.
Speaker 2 (46:03):
All my joy list is cuddling with my dog, and
sometimes I don't want to cuddlewith my dog, sometimes it
doesn't bring me joy, so I'mlike I don't want to.
I don't want to be around youright now I'm busy.
But on those days that'sexactly why I said put it in
your phone.
We're all attached to ourphones.
I don't care how evolved we are, we're all attached to our
phones.
And so I have my list in whereI could, on my 30 minute break,
(46:31):
go to a park really close andsit there for my lunch break,
and that is something that, no,I'm not gonna feel like I'm the
happiest person in the world,but I am gonna go back into the
rest of my shift feeling justlighter than I felt.
So, yeah, I love that.
Speaker 1 (46:45):
Finding space in your day.
You know you're talking like.
Everyone has 30 minutes intheir day and I have mixed
feelings on saying that Like.
I appreciate the intent ofholding yourself accountable.
I had a conversation recentlywith someone who educates on
like social determinants ofhealth and there are some people
that are in a place where theywork so much or have so many
variables in their life that 30minutes is like not even
(47:06):
possible.
This joy list for me and forhow I coach my clients on it, is
like it is creating the spacein your life, even for those few
moments of like I may be pet mydog's ears for like a minute,
creating the space, even if it'sjust up here mentally to take a
deep breath.
It's that mindfulness piece, Ithink, is what I'm getting at.
And if I say mindfulness,people are like right, it's
(47:27):
another one of those words, butit's creating the space for you
to just be present, be in yourhead without 7 million other
things going on, to just saylike.
Speaker 2 (47:38):
I'm here, I'm in this moment, I'm okay, I'm safe.
Yeah, it's just interruptingthat train of thought.
All it takes is that one, oneminute to interrupt it.
I could be spiraling, creatinga story of something that's
happening.
That's not really happening,but I'm convincing myself that
it's 100% happening.
For example, if I'm having abad day in the gym, I'll
convince myself that everyone inthe gym is judging me and no
one gives a fuck about what I'mdoing in the gym.
(47:58):
Like, let's be real.
And so it's in those momentswhen you just you literally take
one minute.
You don't even have to sitthere and breathe.
If that seems too woo to you,you can just take one deep
breath in and out and just sitthere and remind yourself, like,
okay, call out what are threethings that I see right now that
are blue.
And you just you name that andsuddenly you've interrupted that
negative thought pattern andnow it's, it's coming going.
Speaker 1 (48:20):
They have a name for it, but it's like the five, four
, three, two, one, right.
So, like five, these, you Likefive things.
You can see four things, youcan hear three things, you can
touch two things, you can smellone thing, you can taste or
something like that, right, youlike go through.
No, that's fantastic, okay.
So I already asked you aboutPSL, or no?
So we're there.
Pancakes or waffles Pancakes.
Okay, what do you put on them?
Speaker 2 (48:40):
Blueberries in them and lots of syrup.
So I'm like a child If I eatpancakes which I don't eat them
often, unless my husbandspecifically requests them but
it's drowning in sorrow.
Make the pancake like a sponge.
Speaker 1 (48:51):
Literally, it's soup.
I love it.
Okay, what is the number onebook you've recommended or given
as a gift?
Speaker 2 (49:03):
It's not the number one book that I recommended
because I've only just finishedit, but I planned on buying
everyone for Christmas this year.
I'm not really splurgingbecause I'm having a baby.
It's called you Can Heal yourLife by Louise Hay.
I am buying everyone in my lifethat book this year and the
reason being is because I willjust say it's a very woo-woo
book and it is.
You have to have an openmindset.
But every single practice, evenif you only take one practice
from this entire book, it canhelp you in the most impactful
(49:26):
way on your growth journey.
I'm not going to say it's goingto change your life because I
don't like to put that big of ayou know, commitment in there,
but what I will say is that Ithink if everyone reads this
book, they'll just start to viewtheir lives differently.
I have like a million favoritebooks, though.
Speaker 1 (49:41):
We can talk more about this.
I'm a big reader too.
And then, talking aboutholidays, do you have any
holiday traditions?
Speaker 2 (49:53):
Halloween is my favorite day ever and season and
just fall.
I'm like a fiend.
I love horror.
So my holiday tradition forHalloween we go all out on our
decorations and we love to giveout candy to the kids.
I dress up, my husband dress upand we literally sit outside and
give candy to the kids and weinvite like family over so we'll
have like drinks and allHalloween themed food, but then
ultimately we all sit down andgive out candy for a couple
hours and then Christmas is likeI do the seven fishes for
(50:16):
Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.
It always varies, but yeah,it's pretty much it.
Speaker 1 (50:21):
That's fantastic.
I slowly get more into horror,trying I'll read horror books
all day long, horror movies Idon't know why I just am like
the jump scare is not my thing.
My husband's a writer and he'sworking on a horror comedy right
now and so like learning likehorror.
Okay, I got to get therebecause I got to love this movie
.
Speaker 2 (50:41):
So I will tell you, I was like five years old in the
movie theaters watching horrormovies.
Speaker 1 (50:51):
So we went to the movies every weekend when I was
a kid, and he would take me tosee every horror movie.
That's amazing.
You knew your genre early.
So on that note we'll wrap thisup.
My last question for you wherecan audiences find you to learn
more?
Speaker 2 (51:00):
So you can find me on Instagram, Dana Donnelly
official underscore, and then Ihave inner badass reborn.
That's the community page.
I actually showcase andhighlight women owned businesses
, just women, badass women ingeneral every Wednesday.
So if you have a suggestion fora woman you would like to be
showcased on the page, I wouldlove for you to DM me and then
(51:21):
you can find my podcast anywhereyou listen at inner badass
reborn and then my website isDana Donnelly officialcom.
Speaker 1 (51:28):
Awesome.
Thanks so much for being on.
This was such a greatconversation, and let's share
some book recommendations.
Speaker 2 (51:34):
Yeah, I'm excited to keep in contact with you.
I know we're very aligned onmost things Agreed.
Speaker 1 (51:39):
Okay, friend, thank you so much.
Thank you.
Thank you everyone forlistening.
We will catch you next Friday.
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