102. The Truth about Mom Rage

Rage is rarely discussed in parenting circles, yet many mothers experience moments of intense anger toward their children that leave them feeling guilty, confused, and deeply ashamed. As a licensed therapist and parent who's navigated these turbulent emotions firsthand, I'm pulling back the curtain on this taboo topic with complete honesty.

During this raw conversation, I share my personal experiences with mom rage, including moments I'm not proud of and the violent thoughts that shocked me as a typically gentle person. The paradox is striking: I've never felt more anger toward anyone than my own children, yet simultaneously have never felt more profound love for any human beings. This contradiction lies at the heart of the parenting journey for many of us.

The breakthrough moment came with one simple realization: unmet needs fuel our rage. 

When we're chronically sleep-deprived, nutritionally depleted, lacking adult connection, and missing a sense of accomplishment, our capacity for patience evaporates. Rather than suggesting unrealistic self-care solutions, I offer two practical approaches that transformed my experience: self-compassion and boundary-setting. 

Learning to drop the "shoulds" from my internal dialogue and creating a personal mantra—"All I can do is all I can do and that is enough"—became oxygen to my overwhelmed mind. Similarly, establishing healthy boundaries around what I could realistically give to my children prevented the resentment that fueled my anger.

Whether you've experienced fleeting moments of rage or struggle with ongoing anger toward your children, this episode provides a judgment-free space to understand these emotions and practical tools to manage them. If you've found value in these insights, please take a moment to rate, comment, and subscribe to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast so you don't miss our upcoming discussion on "self-care bulldozing."

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
You're listening to episode 102 of the Sustainable
Parenting Podcast with FloraMcCormick, licensed therapist,
parenting coach and earlychildhood mental health
consultant.
Today, friends, we're gettinginto mom rage, and let me tell
you, I've never had more violentand angry feelings towards

(00:22):
anyone else in the world thanwith my own children.
I will admit that humbly, and Ialso, of course, have never
felt more love and connection toany human being more than my
own children, and so, if you'veexperienced that too, let's
unpack this.
I want to give you one key wordthat makes all the difference

(00:44):
in how you understand why thesetwo things can be together.
Mom rage is a real thing andit's very normal, it turns out.
Research shows that it's verycommon, and it also is something
that we can help ease if wehave the right tools.
So let's talk about it today.

(01:06):
Hello and welcome to theSustainable Parenting Podcast.
Let me tell you, friend, thisplace is different.
We fill that gap between gentleparenting and harsh discipline
that's really missing, to parentwith kindness and firmness at
the same time, and give you theexact steps to be able to parent

(01:26):
in ways that are more realisticand effective and, for that
reason, finally feel sustainable.
Welcome.
So there's one key reason thatoften is leading moms to

(01:53):
continue to feel a lot of angertowards their kids and not have
it be getting better.
And I'm going to get to thisword in just a moment, but first
I want to tell you a story.
I can remember being with mythree-year-old who was crying
and whining and tantruming andof course, the baby was in a
wrap across my chest and as thetoddler was crying, it made the

(02:14):
baby start crying and shot mynervous system just through the
roof.
I'm very sensitive to noise,particularly my kids.
Crying or screaming like justrattles my nervous system to the
core.
Some people that doesn't botheras much, but for me it really
did.
And when I had both my childrencrying, I can remember the

(02:35):
thoughts going through my headsounded like this why is he
doing this?
And then, underneath that, whatis wrong with me that I have a
child who is doing this?
And then, underneath that, whatis wrong with me that I have a
child who is doing this?
What am I doing wrong?
And then the next feeling thatwould come from that was anger

(02:56):
towards him and and really itwas about the anger towards
myself.
I felt like I was failing.
I felt like not a good enoughmom to have a child who was
doing these out of controlbehaviors and that I hadn't
found a way to ease them andthat, no matter what I said, he
would continue unraveling and Iwould just get more and more

(03:21):
angry.
I remember a moment where Iasked my son to go into his room
and he wouldn't go in there andI took him by the shoulders and
firmly you know, kind of pushedhim onto the bed like you need
to take a break in here, and I'mnot proud of that.
I can vividly remember thesensation of pushing him and the

(03:44):
moment I replayed in my mindall the time.
And I just want to be clear hedid not have any injuries, he
was okay, but to me it was theworst thing ever and I was not
proud of it.
That's not something I wantedto be doing as a mom, but I
couldn't believe the level ofanger I would get to in these

(04:06):
moments where he was tantrumingand whining and crying.
I remember saying to a friend Iwonder if this is like
postpartum or postpartum anxiety, postpartum anxiety or
depression.
I've heard about having justlike rageful feelings.
And I do have a new baby we hadan eight-month-old at the time.

(04:27):
But I don't feel the ragetowards the baby.
I'm feeling it towards mytoddler.
I'm wanting to like hurt him.
Sometimes I felt like I washaving visions of like throwing
him out the window.
I mean, I'm just being superraw and honest with you guys
Because I want you to know ifyou have had thoughts that are
that wild, that totally out ofcharacter for who you are as a

(04:51):
person.
You're not alone and friend.
I was glad that I was willing toshare that with someone because
it deflated the power of it inmy head and it gave me a pathway
towards help, and that pathwaytowards help was realizing this

(05:15):
one key thing was the source ofthat rage.
The source of that rage wasthat I had needs that were not
being met, was that I had needsthat were not being met.
The source of that rage was mebeing completely depleted, like
sleep deprived, nutritiondeprived, often water deprived.

(05:38):
I was just gulping, chuggingthe coffee all day long and then
couldn't wait to have a glassof wine in the evening day long
and then couldn't wait to have aglass of wine in the evening.
Just so much deprivation of thethings that I needed.
I was deprived of friendshiptime.
I was deprived of intimacy withmy husband because we're just
living a life that did not leadto much romance because, you

(06:02):
know, after you're changingdirty diapers and being woken up
multiple times in the night, itjust wasn't great for my libido
or any of our time together.
I was deprived of feeling asense of accomplishment.
You know, motherhood can feelvery cyclical and unrewarding at

(06:23):
times.
It's like I've cleaned up thekitchen and immediately we're
making a new meal and we'regetting it all messy again.
I've cleaned up the house andimmediately the kid wakes up
from a nap and they're playingagain, and it's a disaster.
20 minutes later I've changedthe diaper and what do you know?
It's full again and it needs tobe changed.
I've put the baby to sleep andgotten through that like feeling

(06:47):
of, you know, trying to getthem to fall asleep, and then,
what do you know?
They're up and a few hourslater we're needing to do it
again.
So there's so many ways that myneeds were not being met and,
turns out, research shows thatthat's a key underlying factor
of what leads to our mom rage.

(07:08):
We can't give what we don'thave.
We can't give patience,kindness, gentleness if we're
not feeling filled up andsupported with that from our
environment.
So what do we do?
So what do we do?

(07:31):
My top suggestion to you is notsome flowery fake like figure
out how to go on a spa date withyour friends or go on a weekend
getaway with your partner.
That may not be realistic, buthere's what is realistic is to
do some self-care in these threeways, and some of them have
been brought to my attention byan amazing book called Real
Self-Care by Pooja Lakshman, andshe shares five key sources of

(07:57):
self-care that are like, really,really effective from research.
She's an OBGYN and a mother anda divorced single mom and many
just you know she's been througha lot of challenges and she's
very educated and she shares.
I want to share just a few ofher tips that really landed for

(08:18):
me in terms of how to be able tomeet needs that are leading to
your rage.
Meet needs that are leading toyour rage.
The first thing that I want tosuggest to you in order to meet
your own needs that is key hereis compassion.
Compassion to yourself meansdropping all the shoulds and

(08:43):
leading with what you can reallydo.
I just had a session with a momlast week.
She has a nine-month-old.
Her husband was out of town fortwo weeks and we were talking
about this.
She's like I just amoverwhelmed by my to-do list and
wanting to have time with thebaby and the things I want to do
to take care of myself, and aswe broke it down, it really was

(09:05):
all these shoulds.
I feel like, since I'm a singlemom, I should do a bunch of
extra things to clean outclosets and make extra special
meals.
And yet it was like but if wereally look at that, is that
realistic right now?
Is it necessary?
Is that shooting voice fromsomeone else?

(09:25):
Or can you give yourself somecompassion for where you're at
and say you know what, all I cando is all I can do.
I'm going to prioritize what'stop of list, what needs to
happen, and let go of whatdoesn't.
So that self-compassion to notexpect yourself to be super
productive, super, you know,cute, maybe, super dressed up,

(09:49):
super, whatever, super energetic.
To say it is what it is.
That's a concept fromdialectical behavioral therapy
that I've used with many clientsover the years, and just a
simple and yet profound phraseto be able to say it is what it

(10:10):
is.
I remember in my motherhood,with that phrase transferred to.
That was powerful for me wasall I can do is all I can do and
that is enough.
As a phrase that I just kind ofcreated and it just I'd have to
say it like a mantra.

(10:31):
That was oxygen to myoverwhelmed shooting self that
when I inhaled I would say thatI it all I can do, is all I can
do and that is enough.
And then exhaling all theshoulds and the you've got to
and what about?
And feeling like I needed toprove myself to others or find

(10:55):
my worth in accomplishment, blah, blah, blah, all that junk,
exhale that out and breathe in.
All I can do is all I can doand that is enough.
That's what compassion lookslike.
I invite you to that.
The second thing that I tookfrom Pooja that is super

(11:16):
valuable is boundaries.
If your needs are not being met, are there ways that you
haven't asked for help thatwould really support you?
Are there ways that you are nothaving enough boundaries with
your children of what you'rewilling to give and do that?

(11:37):
If you could set thoseboundaries, it would give you so
much more energy and sense ofrestoration.
Here's what I mean.
You know.
I recall feeling like I had tobounce my baby for 40 minutes on
this exercise ball whileletting his head sort of bob,

(11:58):
and he was swaddled, justperfectly, and all these things.
I thought it was my job to makesure to get him to sleep.
And as he got older, I thoughtit was my job to calm every
upset that he had.
I thought it was my job to laynext to him all the way till he
fell asleep as a toddler.
And what that did was, againand again, when I was being

(12:20):
pushed past what I felt capableenergetically of really giving,
or what felt like a healthyboundary for my time and effort,
I led to resentment, it led toanger, it led to rage.
And so, being clear with myselffirst and then with my child on
, you know, it sounds like youneed some space to cry.

(12:41):
I'm going to walk away and giveyou that space was huge.
And I don't mean that we neversoothe our children, hug them
through their upsets, and Idon't mean that we never soothe
our children, hug them throughtheir upsets, but I mean it's
okay to also have your limit Ifthey are doing that thing.
I call pushing out the cry,which my kids would do.
It's like okay, I have soothedthis.

(13:01):
This is now kind of I can hearthat you're pushing out more
cries, kind of just to see if itchanges my mind, or to you know
, continue to to what I callcircle the drain.
My daughter does like just staystuck and that's not helping
either one of us.
So let me disengage for amoment and see if that shifts

(13:23):
your ability to calm your crying.
And that boundary helps so muchthe boundary of saying I'm
going to work with a sleep coachand figure out the ways that I
don't need to be bouncing youfor 45 minutes.
You know PS, I know that was noteffective sleep training or
sleep strategy for helping mychild and really he was

(13:44):
overtired.
Oh, there's so many things Irealized later.
But working with a sleep coach,getting the help I needed and
the support, then finally I wasable to get in way different
practices with my toddler and mybaby that were just like a
breath of fresh air, a giantexhale, like 50 pounds lifted

(14:05):
off my shoulders.
That my need was then met, thatI could put the baby down and
walk away.
That my need was met that Idon't need to let you continue
screaming in my face, I can walkaway.
My need for boundaries.
Really, you know, when thatneed was met, it really

(14:27):
decreased my mom rage.
So, friend, I invite you tothose two key ways to think
about how to get your needs met.
As always, friend, I hope thesetips help you to parent more,
with kindness and firmness atthe same time, so parenting
finally feels sustainable.
And in our next episode I'mtalking about self-care

(14:51):
bulldozing.
So join me in the conversationwhere we can talk about how we
sometimes create our biggestobstacles and how we can stop
doing that.
And, friend, I would love tohear from you If you have
feedback about how this episodeaffected you or any comments.
Please feel free to share thoseat the bottom of all the

(15:13):
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then leave a comment.
And, friend, if you haven't yetfollowed and subscribed, please
do so so you don't missanything from our parenting tips
in the future.
Talk soon, friend.
You.