104. The Error of Parenting from the Neck Up

Do you hate when your kids don’t seem to “get it”?   Like when you have clearly explained why they should be more kind, or shown them how to share, or tried to talk them down from the upset…all to have it get you nowhere?  

Today, I’m gonna unpack why this common error I call "parenting from the neck up" just doesn’t land.  

And the good news is … you will get so much more cooperation and change in behavior when you have an alternative to this error.  

Let’s dive in and clarify:

• What actually helps, when children are resistant, emotional, or defiant (RED), and their brains are not logical.

• Why it’s important to stop arguing the "lyrics" (content), and listen to the "music" (feelings). 

• How to use emotional attunement for better results. 

Also- I’m sharing a personal example of when I was reeeeeealy parenting from the neck up and super frustrated.   If I can turn it around- friends, you can too! 

And join me next week for how to end battles with your partner, over parenting.

✨Want more?

1) Use this link for a FREE 20 min clarity call with Sustainable Parenting.

2) Download the FREE pdf. on getting kids to listen.

3) Buy a 3 session Coaching Bundle (saving you $100) - for THREE 30-min sessions 1:1 with ME, where we get right to the heart of your challenges, and give you small, powerful shifts that make a huge difference fast.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:02):
you're listening to episode 104 of the sustainable
parenting podcast, and if youhave ever found yourself
confused why your kids just goofoff and don't listen when
you're having a very importantconversation about behavior
correction, or you're frustratedthat, no matter what you seem
to do to explain what needs tochange in a child's behavior,

(00:23):
they continue to do the thingsthat you don't want, or if
you've been confused by why yourwords are not helping your
child calm down in their upsetmoments, this is the episode for
you.
We're talking about the errorwe make of parenting from the
neck up, and I'll explain whatthat means and how to solve it

(00:44):
in our episode today.
Hello and welcome to theSustainable Parenting Podcast.
Let me tell you, friend, thisplace is different.
We fill that gap between gentleparenting and harsh discipline
that's really missing to parentwith kindness and firmness at
the same time and give you theexact steps to be able to parent

(01:05):
in ways that are more realisticand effective and, for that
reason, finally feel sustainableWelcome.
So it's very common that we canend up making this error of

(01:27):
parenting from the neck up, andit's one of the common things
that I see that causes people tobe super frustrated and come to
me saying I just lose mypatience all the time.
I end up yelling at the kidsand I don't want to be.
And sometimes, when we dig intoit, we identify that this is a
key error that's getting in theway, and when we solve it we

(01:50):
start seeing a lot morecooperation and less upset in
ourselves as parents.
So let me give you a story thatpoints this out tangibly.
So, parenting from the neck up,fl flora, what are you talking
about?
Of course I have to parent abit from the neck up.
I have to talk to my kid, don'tI?
Well, yes, of course, but whatI mean is that we make the error

(02:13):
of getting overly cerebral.
We get into thinking logic isour main tool to communicate to
our kids the things that need tochange, and we are not tuned in
to where the child is truly atdevelopmentally.
And so then that's why thestrategies aren't working,

(02:36):
because you're kind of swimmingupstream, you're battling
against biology.
And it's not your fault, it'snot that you're not patient
enough, it isn't that you don'thave the smart enough argument
to win with this little lawyerchild, it's that you're trying
to be cerebral and logical witha brain that is not in a logical
place when they're upset orthey're battling you or they're

(02:59):
saying no.
So back this up a little bit.
When we think about a childbeing in a moment that I would
define as RED, with the acronymresistant, emotional or defiant
RED R-E-D.
Resistant, emotional or defiant.
Typically their brain has movedfrom the frontal logical area

(03:22):
to the middle emotional area orthe very base of their brain,
which is the fight, flight orfreeze, protect and survive area
.
We call that the monkey brainor the animal part of their
brain.
Also, friends, let's rememberthat the prefrontal cortex, that
front logical or wise owl partof the brain, is not fully

(03:44):
developed until the late 20s, orsome are even saying now, early
30s.
So in an upset moment, yourchild is not in their best
thinking brain and, let's behonest, their best thinking
brain is still not that strongin these early years.
So when they're upset, if welead with trying to calm down

(04:04):
with our words, saying thingslike okay, well, let's, you know
, this is not that big of a deal, we are going to have another
chance to come back to the parkor you know, it's fine, you just
had a turn with it and now it'sbrother's turn, and so this is
about fairness.
Or we jump in and say you know,I just I can't have five arms,
I can't do this for you rightnow and this for brother right

(04:25):
now.
You just need to understand.
Do you hear how all of that isleaning into understanding?
And if it doesn't work, it'sbecause the child is not in
their logical brain.
I want to suggest that, to havevery different results, you
lead with a different part ofyour body, which is your heart

(04:47):
and your breath and yourconnection.
This is about parentalattunement.
We call it Tuning in to what'sgoing on.
One way I've heard it said thatI love is to tune into the
music, not the lyrics.
If the lyrics of what yourchild is saying is it's not fair

(05:09):
, I want this.
We get very tempted to justargue the argument.
Very tempted to just argue theargument.
We're arguing against thelyrics unless, unless we're wise
enough to hear the music andtune into that and address that,
what that looks like with anupset child is instead saying oh

(05:31):
, you're super frustrated thatthis doesn't feel fair.
And if you want to go deeperinto how to validate in the
fairness, check out episode 96,where we talk about siblings
fighting over fairness and whatto do instead.
But in this case it's tuning in.
I can tell that what's going onhere is not just the lyrics,

(05:53):
the logic of fairness, but thatyou're feeling sad or you're
feeling a little unclear.
If I love you equally to yourbrother or sister, you're
feeling frustrated.
So let's tune into that.
When we tune into it first,it's about noticing okay, I'm

(06:15):
going to drop the lyrics, stoparguing.
Tune in with my heart and myabout noticing Okay, I'm going
to drop the lyrics, stop arguing.
Tune in with my heart and mybreath, my pace, my body.
That means maybe a hug, thatmeans a hand on a shoulder, that
means crouching down to theirlevel.
Tuning in Wow, something'sreally bothering you right now.
Let me drop my argument andjust tune in for a second to

(06:37):
what you're experiencing.
Parenting from the neck down inthe heart, in the breath, in
the arms, often has way betterresults, with that resistance
and emotion and defiance.
When my son was about four, wewere doing some, beginning when

(06:59):
my son went, and let me give youa really tangible example of
this in my own life.
When my son was three, we wentto a swim class and it was in
his first like independent,without me staying in the pool
with him class, and when we, youknow, I tried to ease him into
it, I explained ahead of timehow we were going to, you know,

(07:20):
get in and get used to the water, and then he'd be doing it on
his own, with all these otherkids and with the wonderful
teacher that mom was justwarming him up.
But once we got into the pooland then the teacher showed up
when it was time for me to leave, he panicked.
He clawed at my skin like araccoon that just dropped from a
tree, like do not leave me.

(07:41):
And he was very upset andcrying and I, in my panic moment
of like, oh my gosh, I don'twant this happening and I'm
embarrassed because there's allthese other parents around
watching and this like teenageteacher that is, you know, I'm
like wanting him to not have tomanage a screaming three year
old.

(08:02):
In the midst of all of this, Ijust really bounced back and
forth in terms of differentforms of talking and responding
to the lyrics.
You know he's saying don't go,don't go.
Like honey, I have to go.
This is why I have to go andthis is why it's going to be
fine for you to stay, and Iwould, you know kind of logic,
logic.
And then I'd use more words totry to almost like, get in a

(08:23):
more threatening like well, ifyou can't get this together, you
are not going to be able tohave this reward afterwards.
And I would look all around andpoint like, look at everyone
else, everyone else is doingfine.
Just, you know, enjoy it likethey are.
Nobody else is having a hardtime, nobody else is scared.
I tried all of this logic,threats, you know, explanation

(08:44):
to make the moment better.
And did it make it any better?
Abso-freaking-lutely not.
It did not.
He was just more panicked, morecrying, more clinging.
He wasn't hearing anything Iwas saying.
Right, listening to the story,you're probably way smarter than
I was in the moment.
And, and you can hear andimagine, of course not because

(09:07):
his brain was flooded.
His brain was definitely inthat emotional or super animal
safety brain.
And so the second round of doingthat class.
I finally wised up and thoughtof these ideas.
I said, flora, let's try toreally tune in, listen to the
music, not the lyrics.
And when he started to getupset, I used calming strategies

(09:33):
like this tool I teach myclients called Whoa, low and
Slow, and I used ways with myarms and my breath and my heart
to calm him and it went waybetter.
I mean, we had to sign up for awhole second session to be able
to get it right.
I don't know if you're like me,but sometimes it takes many

(09:54):
rounds of it not going well tillyou finally decide to get some
help.
Try a new way.
I did, finally, and the secondround was completely different.
He had a wonderful time.
He was upset for like fiveminutes of the class.
I mean, let's say it's not thathe wasn't upset at all, he was
upset for a short amount and hemoved on and he really learned

(10:15):
some swimming skills.
So this is the type of change Iwant for you too.
Now, don't get me wrong.
It doesn't mean I don't explainanything to my children.
It doesn't mean that we don'thave logical conversations, but
it does mean that we have themin the right time when they're
actually going to hit theirlogical brain.

(10:37):
So if you could picture like acurve, like a sign curve of, you
know, an average going up andcoming down in a bell curve
that's what I'm trying to say.
I'm not a math person.
If you can picture a bell curvegoing up, cresting and coming
back down.
I want you to think in thosevery upset moments, self, like I

(10:59):
say it to myself, flora, quitarguing the argument.
Listen to the music, not thelyrics.
Be attuned, tune in thatthey're frustrated, they're
angry, they're disappointed, andlet's name that connect to it.
And with my pace and my bodyand my breath, I'm going to slow

(11:20):
down, tune in and help them outof the struggle.
And if you'd like some moresupport with what all of the
pieces look like, from A to Z,in the Sustainable Parenting
Tool Belt, remember you canalways reach out to me.
I have room right now in mygroup coaching program and would

(11:41):
love to have you join otherparents in small groups of five
to seven others that arelearning these tools, practicing
together and learning all ofthe more effective strategies
For now, friend, I hope thisserves you this week to have
strategies to be more kind andfirm at the same time, so
parenting finally feelssustainable.

(12:02):
Be sure to join me next week aswe'll be talking about how to
end battles with your partnerover parenting.