105. Fighting About Parenting? Here's Your Solution

Are you tired of fighting with your partner because they are too strict, and they call you too soft?  This is the episode for you! Today we explore how to stop fighting with your spouse about parenting by focusing on the equilibrium between kindness and firmness. 

When one partner shifts toward a more balanced approach, the other naturally follows, creating healthier family dynamics and more effective parenting strategies.

We will cover: 
• Finding middle ground between overly kind and overly firm parenting styles.

• The counter-intuitive truth: changing yourself is the key to changing your partner.

• Understanding the natural parenting equilibrium that pulls couples in opposite directions.

• Implementing the "Two Lists" exercise from Positive Discipline to align on challenges and long-term character goals.

Join me next week when I'll be discussing the "Five F-words of sibling fights!"

✨Want more?

1) Use this link for a FREE 20 min clarity call with Sustainable Parenting.

2) Download the FREE pdf. on getting kids to listen.

3) Buy a 3 session Coaching Bundle (saving you $100) - for THREE 30-min sessions 1:1 with ME, where we get right to the heart of your challenges, and give you small, powerful shifts that make a huge difference fast.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:03):
You're listening to episode 105 of the Sustainable
Parenting Podcast, and todaywe're talking about how to stop
fighting with your spouse aboutparenting, and I have been there
.
Many parents that I talked toget in this place, where one is
overly kind and one is overlyfirm, and if you've been
frustrated at not knowing how tochange the other person, today

(00:25):
I'm going to tell you the numberone thing that tends to change
someone who parents verydifferently than you, and I'm
going to give you a simpleexercise to do together that I
think will get you more intocollaboration and teamwork.
Hello and welcome to theSustainable Parenting Podcast.
Let me tell you, friend, thisplace is different.
We fill that gap between gentleparenting and harsh discipline

(00:49):
that's really missing, to parentwith kindness and firmness at
the same time, and give you theexact steps to be able to parent
in ways that are more realisticand effective and, for that
reason, finally feel sustainable.
Welcome, all right.

(01:16):
In today's episode, I want togive you a key tool to help
change the other person, whichis often what we want to do, and
a tool that will get you intomore teamwork.
So I want to share that.
I've definitely came intoparenting with a lot of
differences from my husband andI share often.

(01:37):
He was raised by the warden ofa state prison.
I was raised by a kindergartenteacher, so, as you can imagine,
we came in with those biases.
I was also trained as acounselor and he is in the
medical profession and a lotmore.
On that side of the brainthat's just like facts and
verbal and logic.
So we definitely were on theseopposite ends.

(01:57):
I wanted to validate feelings.
He wanted to convince them whythey should be more respectful,
and it wasn't working.
We were pulling in oppositedirections and every time I
tried to get him to do thingsmore my way, he would be
frustrated and pull and try toget me to do things more his way
.
So we just kept being inopposite directions.

(02:17):
So the top thing that reallychanged things was drum roll.
How did I get him to finallychange?
I focused on changing myself.
That may be bad news, I know,I'm sorry.
You're just like dang it, flora.
That's not what I wanted tohear, but hear me out for just a

(02:38):
second.
There truly is like I find thisequilibrium that the more one
of you is pulling towardsgentleness, overly gentle, or
the kind side, without firmness,the more the other person's
going to pull to balance that byhaving extreme firmness and
very little kindness.
It's just an equilibrium thing.

(03:00):
So, friend, if you are in apartnership where you are often
overly gentle and your partneris overly harsh, you're probably
often trying to say, well, Ijust have to be, you know, the
one that's validating feelingsand listening to my child,
because my partner is constantlyjust like laying down the law

(03:23):
and yelling at him and tellinghim why he's not respectful and
I see his heart hurting.
So I feel like I have to do theheart work.
Here's the thing, friend If youreally want to change that
about your partner, there is onekey way to do it and that's to
change yourself.
I know, I know, I know I hateit, but hear me out, hear me out

(03:44):
, don't just stop the recording,hear me out.
What I notice time and again inthe hundreds of families I work
with every year is that there'sthis balance that naturally
happens, and the more one of youpulls towards kindness, the
more the other pulls towardsfirmness.
And I know you might be saying,if he would just stop being so

(04:06):
firm, then, yes, I could comemore towards middle.
But what I find often worksbetter is for you to do your
work first, and it's like amagnet.
It pulls the partner typicallymore towards middle also.
So what does that look like?
If you have tended to be theone that's overly kind and doing
a great job at validatingfeelings, you might also be the

(04:29):
person that is not so great atholding clear, consistent, firm
boundaries, and so the kids arewalking over you a little bit
with that and in frustration.
Your partner is like, okay,well, I'm going to be the heavy.
So if you can add more firmnessto your kindness, your partner

(04:50):
will likely see that that'sworking, because that tends to
be what works better for kidsanyways and truly changing
behavior.
When you have a kind and firmbalance, when you're doing it
kindly and firmly at the sametime, then your partner is going
to say, okay, I could probablyget on board for that.
I'm not going to get on thetrain, that's just all about

(05:11):
feelings and watching them walkall over you.
But I could get on the trainwhere I see kindness and
firmness.
That's working.
So when you do your work,friend, if it's that you need to
work on being a little morefirm, then I bet your partner is
going to come more towardsbeing a little more kind also.
I bet your partner is going tocome more towards being a little
more kind also, and one of myfavorite phrases that really

(05:31):
sums this up, is you, as themore feelings parent focusing on
, I love you?
And the answer is no.
Every time your child's suckingyou into, like all of their
feelings, I want you to be ableto know how to do some
validating and how to moveforward in into the boundaries.
This is what I teach in my CEOsignature process, which is how

(05:56):
to help parents that have beentired of just validating and
talking about feelings andbehavior over and over and
having it not really change andhaving long battles, to a
three-step process that includesvalidation and connection but
doesn't stay there where youlose your marbles.
It goes on to the next step ofhow we encourage cooperation and

(06:16):
onto the next step of how wehave true ownership that changes
behavior.
So, friend, if you're wantingto learn more about that,
certainly reach out to me.
I would love to get you into mysignature program where I'm
teaching this to parents everymonth and quickly.
They're seeing their familylife looks so different,
dramatically more calm and easyand comfortable, not without

(06:39):
battles, but knowing exactlywhat to do in the battles and
having them quickly resolve andmove on to their fun life.
Okay, so part two.
What I want you to think aboutdoing with your partner a little
exercise to get more on thesame page for teamwork is an
exercise that I got fromPositive Discipline called the
two lists, and what it asks isfor you to sit down with your

(07:02):
partner and make two lists.
The first is what are all thechallenges that are frustrating
us right now?
Bedtimes, transitions are hardmeltdowns when they're not
getting their way.
Hard to get out the doorwithout repeating ourselves 17
times what are the behaviors?
And then, on the right side inthe column, make a list of what

(07:25):
are all of the characterqualities we want to see in our
child when they're 25.
Do we want them to berespectful, responsible,
generous, helpful, loving,confident?
What are the words we want tosee in this child when they're
25?
And then we connect the dots.
We say let's make sure we'reparenting in a way that when

(07:50):
we're addressing all the thingson the left, we are leading
towards the results on the right, because, friend, usually we
have the same long-term goalswith our partner, but we are not
always connecting the dots,that how we address the morning
chaos, how we address bedtime,how we address meals, connects

(08:14):
to how they are building thosecharacter traits.
And so if we're just going tosay he needs to just respect me
and do what I say because I sayso, we might look at the list
and say, but honey, is thatgoing to really lead to a child
that is self-driven and anatural leader?
I don't think so.

(08:35):
Or we also might say you know,but I want to make sure that he
just feels like heard and seenand um, you know, so sometimes
want to take the time to justlike let him out of swim class
If he is just too upset about it.
It's like, but wait, does thatconnect to the long-term goal we
have of him wanting to have,like grit and the ability to

(08:58):
overcome challenges and theability to, like regulate his
emotions?
We have to make sure ourstrategies of how we're
addressing all of thesechallenges are really aligned
with building towards the valueswe want long term.
As Princess Kate said once in aninterview which I so adored, we
are looking for the big win,not the quick win.

(09:21):
All right, friend, I hope thatexercise helps you.
And if you are not sure whatthat looks like and how to have
aligned principles always reachout.
That's what I love to helppeople with.
Sometimes it's just a shortthree session bundle, sometimes
it's a couple months of workingtogether, but one way or another
I know we can get you into morejoy and ease.
I truly see it every week andit's so fun to see families that

(09:43):
go from I've tried everythingand nothing can really make this
better to oh, I hadn't triedthat.
Oh, it is suddenly better.
It's just so fun.
I love seeing it time and again.
So, fred, I bet you haven'ttried everything and I would
love to give you a few moretweaks and tools from an expert
perspective.
Make sure to join me next weekas I'm going to talk about the

(10:05):
five F-words of sibling fights,five key f-words.
See you then.