109. How to Decrease Your Disappointment and Frustration in Motherhood

Ever feel so stuck in frustration and Annoyance - in parenting? 

Today I will be giving you 1 key tool that I believe is the secret to decreasing frustration (even if your kids don’t change)!

Key topics we will cover include:

• Children's behavior isn't a sign of parental failure. It’s a normal part of development

• "A child's job is to test rules and boundaries to see what happens when they do"

• Lowering expectations doesn't mean abandoning standards for respectful behavior

Join our lunch and learn workshops held monthly on Wednesdays at noon. 

Find information at sustainableparenting.com/workshop-4

✨Want more?

1) Use this link for a FREE 20 min clarity call with Sustainable Parenting.

2) Download the FREE pdf. on getting kids to listen.

3) Buy a 3 session Coaching Bundle (saving you $100) - for THREE 30-min sessions 1:1 with ME, where we get right to the heart of your challenges, and give you small, powerful shifts that make a huge difference fast.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hey friend, have you had some disappointment lately?
Frustration that you keephaving battles daily, or
annoyance that the kids justpick and pick and pick at each
other, or overwhelm that yourkids have been saying such awful
things when they're angry.
Friend, today we're going totap into the primary tool that I

(00:25):
think is important for us tohave in our tool belt so that we
decrease disappointment,annoyance and overwhelm, and
it's one simple phrase that I'mgoing to give you today.
Hello and welcome to theSustainable Parenting Podcast.
Let me tell you, friend, thisplace is different.

(00:45):
We fill that gap between gentleparenting and harsh discipline
that's really missing to parentwith kindness and firmness at
the same time, and give you theexact steps to be able to parent
in ways that are more realisticand effective and, for that
reason, finally feel sustainable.
Welcome, and before we dive in,I quickly want to highlight

(01:18):
Lady Bird, mom who left a recentreview, who said my husband and
I and our kids are so gratefulto Flora.
We've been to a number ofparenting classes and looked at
so many online resources.
Flora is the only person whohelped us make changes that
showed a positive effect withinthe first few days.
We love seeing so many positivechanges in our family with

(01:40):
simple and easy to usestrategies.
Thank you so much, friend.
If you'd like to leave a reviewto share how sustainable
parenting has been impactingyour life, I would be so
grateful.
It helps others to know what'spossible in their families too,
and you can do so easily byscrolling to the bottom of all
episodes, clicking on that fifthstar and leaving a comment.

(02:00):
Also, be sure you subscribe tothe podcast so that you
regularly get the downloads eachweek and don't miss a single
tool and strategy to beparenting with more kindness and
firmness at the same time.
So parenting finally feelssustainable.

(02:20):
Now let's dive into thisfrustration, disappointment and
overwhelm and the singular toolthat can be transformational.
I want to tell you a story of aparent that I was working with.
Jenny was a stay-at-home momwith a young toddler, a
three-year-old and afive-year-old, and she found
herself regularly frustrated andoverwhelmed and disappointed in

(02:44):
her role as a mom.
When she came to me, she said,with her head downward cast and
her eyes drooping and a sighFlora, I just don't know if I
can keep doing this.
I mean, I gave up everything.
I have a master's degree in myprofession and I gave it up to

(03:05):
be a stay-at-home mom, becausethis is what I thought I wanted
to do.
But I'm exhausted and I don'tfeel like I'm doing this well.
I yell at my kids.
They keep pushing boundaries,bedtime's a mess.
They're constantly doing thethings I've asked them to not do
.
It seems like, no matter what Ido, I can't calm my son down

(03:28):
from his upsets.
I just don't know if I'm cutout for this.
And as we use the singular toolthat I'm going to give you
today, jenny, within two weeks,told me I feel different.
There's a lightness, there's aimprovement in the kids not

(03:52):
pushing my boundary and there isan improvement in me not
feeling so overwhelmed.
We're still having challenges,but I don't feel so heavy by
them and I feel like things aregetting better.
So here's what Jenny did sheused this tool that we call

(04:14):
adjusting the expectation gap.
The expectation gap have youever heard of this before?
It's this measuring stick.
Expectation gap have you everheard of this before?
It's this measuring stick,basically, that says the size of
the distance between how wethink things should be and how
they actually are, can often bea measure of the size of our

(04:35):
stress, the size of that spacebetween how we think it should
be and how it actually is islike this window Picture, the
top being the should and thebottom being reality.
The bigger that gap, the biggerthe window opening, the bigger
our stress, the bigger our senseof overwhelm and disappointment

(05:00):
and frustration.
Now, don't get me wrong.
I'm not saying okay for us allto be happier as parents.
We'll just give up any hope orexpectation that they should be
polite and respectful andresponsible.
Okay, hear me out, friend.
That is not what we said toJenny.
Poor expectation that theyshould be polite and respectful

(05:22):
and responsible.
Okay, hear me out, friend.
That is not what we said toJenny.
But what I did say to Jenny isyou know, what I notice is a lot
of what sounds so stressful andoverwhelming is not the fact
that the kids are battling, butthe story you tell yourself in
your brain when they're battling.
But the story you tell yourselfin your brain when they're
battling, when they are notgetting along with each other.
You have two roads.
You can go down the highexpectation road which says they

(05:45):
should not be doing this, theyshould get along well, they
should be well-behaved, theyshould always be just perfectly
nice to each other.
And when they're not, I feellike I'm failing.
We tell ourself the story thatwe're failing.
The other road, with a smallerexpectation gap, says, oh look,

(06:12):
they're battling with each other.
Of course they are.
They just landed on the planetthree years ago, five years ago,
even eight or nine years ago.
Three years ago, five years ago, even eight or nine years ago,
they don't yet know how to dothis thing of conflict
management.
I'm going to work on teachingthem.
Yes, it takes effort, but ittotally decreases the overwhelm

(06:32):
when we have that expectationbrought down.
You feel the difference as youhear those two stories that you
can tell yourself.
Similarly, if the kids get sobig in their emotions and we're
like, why do you have to get soworked up?
Why does he get so mad?

(06:53):
Why does he get so sad?
Why does he get so mad?
Why does he get so sad, then weare filled with the story that
is also saying I must be failingsomehow, that I can't seem to
talk my kid down from this place, that I can't seem to prevent
him getting so angry.
The road that we took Jenny downinstead was what she started to

(07:13):
define to me.
As I'm telling them, they areallowed to kick, scream and
throw things and I'm like ooh,tell me more about that.
She's like, instead of beinglike, don't do that, don't be so
angry.
I'm like you're allowed to besuper angry and if you need to
throw things and kick, you arewelcome to do that in your room.

(07:37):
You are welcome to just puntyour stuffed animal across your
room.
You are welcome to be in thesafe space that we're going to
create together and, in anurturing way, be like you've
got that space.
Honey, I'm not mad at you thatyou're angry.
I'm noticing that you're angryand I'm acknowledging that's a
normal feeling and I'm going togive you a space to express it.

(07:58):
That does not hurt people orproperty and she's like it just
freed me and it's calming himdown faster.
So I'm not so exhausted tryingto talk him down the off the
anger curve and he is feelingreally like improved confidence
that he's also being allowed tofeel his feelings, and I'm not

(08:21):
like criticizing who he is.
I'm normalizing this feeling.
That's the change in theexpectation gap from shoulds and
shame and blame to a place ofyes, of course this is going on.
This is a normal humanexperience and we're going to

(08:43):
make a plan for it From thephrase that comes to mind that
really embodies this so fully issomething I saw on a hospital
website even before I had kids,when I was first learning in my
master's degree in specializingin youth and adolescents and
counseling them.
It said a child's job is to testrules and boundaries to see

(09:06):
what happens when they do.
That's it.
It is their job.
Boy, do they clock in some dayslike for overtime, from the
moment their feet hit the groundtill the evening.
There are other days they kindof settle in a bit, but it is
their job to test rules andboundaries, to push here and

(09:27):
there to see what the rules arein the world.
They don't know them and theirbest way, just instinctually to
figure out what those boundariesare is to push against them and
to see if you really mean it.
So what is our job?
Our job is to hold thoseboundaries in a kind and firm
way and to teach.

(09:47):
To teach by teaching, not justby correcting, friend.
These are the things thatreally get us to find more joy
and ease in parenthood, loweringthat expectation gap from
should.
You, shouldn't be this way to.
Of course, it is your job totest rules and boundaries to see

(10:10):
what happens when you do.
And, friend, if you're needinghelp to equip you with how to
hold those kind and firmboundaries, that's what we're
about.
Here at Sustainable Parenting,we offer lunch and learn
workshops that are noon once amonth on Wednesday.
You can find that informationat sustainableparentingcom slash
workshop, or you can go to theinformation in the description

(10:33):
of this episode and schedule aclarity call with me to talk
about one-on-one work.
For now, friend, I hope thistool of the expectation gap
being adjusted can help you havethe same results as Jenny, so
that you're parenting withkindness and firmness at the
same time in parenting finallyfeels sustainable.
Don't forget to join us nextweek, friend, as we're going to

(10:56):
talk about three keys to gettingkids to listen.
The first time, the first timeyou ask them to do something,
catch you then.