110. Why Kids Don't Listen and Three Simple Solutions for Better Communication

Ever found yourself repeating the same instruction fifteen times, feeling like your words have become the Charlie Brown "wah-wah" sound to your children's ears? You're not alone in this frustrating cycle.

Ready to stop wasting breath on endless reminders?  

Today's empowering episode will uncover the 3 fundamental reasons children don't listen and provides transformative solutions that create immediate results.  

These evidence-based approaches create sustainable changes that honor both parent and child needs. Try them this week and experience the difference between suffering in circles and parenting with purpose. 

The sweet spot of effective parenting lives at the intersection of kindness and firmness – not in harsh discipline or permissiveness. These practical techniques create this balance, resulting in children who listen more effectively while maintaining their sense of autonomy and respect. 

Parents report "jaw-dropping" results when implementing these strategies, transforming morning routines and bedtime battles into smoother, more peaceful experiences.

Want personalized support for your unique family challenges? Reach out for a free clarity call through the link in this episode's description. And if you've found value here, please take a moment to leave a five-star review sharing what this episode meant to you!

✨Want more?

1) Use this link for a FREE 20 min clarity call with Sustainable Parenting.

2) Download the FREE pdf. on getting kids to listen.

3) Buy a 3 session Coaching Bundle (saving you $100) - for THREE 30-min sessions 1:1 with ME, where we get right to the heart of your challenges, and give you small, powerful shifts that make a huge difference fast.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Have you ever found yourself repeating yourself 10,
15, even 20 times just to getthe kids out the door or into
bed?
Friend, today's episode isgoing to give you a key three
reasons that kids often don'tlisten and what we can do
instead of those repeatmind-numbing reminders that

(00:22):
drive us nuts.
And you're going to especiallyunderstand this after I share a
story of a dad who was left withhis jaw dropped when his child
listened immediately and quicklyran up the stairs to get shoes.
I'll explain why in today'sepisode.
Hello and welcome to theSustainable Parenting Podcast.

(00:47):
Let me tell you, friend, thisplace is different.
We fill that gap between gentleparenting and harsh discipline
that's really missing to parentwith kindness and firmness at
the same time, and give you theexact steps to be able to parent
in ways that are more realisticand effective and, for that
reason, finally feel sustainableWelcome.

(01:19):
So when I think of this topic ofreminding kids a million times,
I remember a week where I cameto my husband and said the kids
just will not listen to me.
I swear I have to tell them 15times to keep moving on the
bedtime to get to the next thing, to stop playing with each
other, to stop bouncing aroundto get their toothbrush and not

(01:41):
just be staring in the mirror.
You know it's like I'm soannoyed and the same keeps
happening every morning.
I've told him I am trying toget them out the door and it's
like come on, you guys.
And he said, yeah, flora,because you're not doing any of
the things you've been teachingyour parents to do.

(02:01):
And I was like what I so wantedto point the finger to them
like they're not listening.
And he's like yeah, you used todo things that were making them
listen, and now it's likeyou're not doing the stuff that
you teach people all the time.
I stopped after a moment ofdefensiveness and wanting to

(02:24):
just be like you don'tunderstand.
I want you to be on my side.
I exhaled and realized he wastotally right.
I was not doing the things thatI know make it go better.
I was doing all the things thatlead kids not to listen, and I
want to share those with youtoday so that you can get on the

(02:45):
same page, just like I got onthe page of the solutions and
experience things going better,like the dad I'm going to share
with you who saw his son quicklyrun upstairs and grab his shoes
and move on with the morning.
So here's what happens we get ina place where we're making one
of these three key errors, andso kids don't listen.

(03:07):
It's not that it's only badkids that don't listen or only
disrespectful kids that don'tlisten, it's just humans, when
put in these three scenarios,are less likely to do what
you're asking them to do.
And what are those three things, friend, kids tend to not
listen when, number one, theydon't feel seen or heard.

(03:30):
Number two, they don't have to.
And number three, they haven'tbeen invited to the table.
Let's talk about these threeFirst of all, when I was just
saying to the kids, over andover, get your shoes, get your
coat, get out, get your lunch,get out the door.

(03:53):
Or at nighttime, like, come on,it's jammies, oh, you still
haven't brushed your teeth, youhaven't gone to the bathroom yet
, quit horsing around.
I was doing this error that wecall telling instead of asking.
Okay, and telling is super, notempowering.
It's like can turn into theCharlie Brown voice.
It gives you this gut instinctto want to say no or ignore.

(04:17):
And so, friend, listen instead.
What it sounds like when youuse the clever tool of asking
instead of telling and thisisn't normal asking can you
please get your shoes on?
This is asking with a curiosityquestion.
Hey buddy, what do you need todo so your teeth won't feel
scuzzy?
What's next on the bedtimeroutine chart?

(04:38):
What did we agree we do withour plate when we're done eating
?
What do you have to do so youwon't be late to the bus?
How could you and your brothersolve that?
There's a magic in thesecuriosity questions that come
from positive discipline, thatempower the child to solve the

(04:59):
problem and are way more likelyto have them do what we're
asking them to do.
And telling instead of askingleads the child to feel really
unseen.
They're just being treated likea robot or golden retriever,
just being told what to do.
It feels very dehumanizing, andwhen, instead, we can use these

(05:21):
curiosity questions, it's asense of the child feeling more
seen.
Did you feel that at all as youwere hearing my examples?
The first time, you're likegosh, you don't even like see me
, and the second time, ah, Ifeel seen.
So this is the beauty of askingwith curiosity questions

(05:42):
instead of telling.
It increases the listening somuch.
Here's the second thing I wasdoing.
Wrong is my kids didn't have todo what I was asking them to do.
Kids don't listen when theydon't have to.
What does that mean?
Well, often it's aboutownership.
And who is owning the problemIf I'm just reminding and

(06:06):
getting angry?
I'm owning the problem If,instead, I say something like
here's the deal, guys, I'm goingto set a timer.
Once we've come upstairs forbedtime and for six minutes
that's your framework to getyour teeth brushed, go to the
bathroom, get your jammies onand get into bed.
Kids that are in bed by thattime will have me read to them,

(06:29):
and kids that are not will notGuess how dramatically the
behavior and listening changed.
It was giant.
I stopped having to remind themmore than once.
I would just give that onereminder.
Oh gosh, looks like we'regetting really close to that
timer going off.
Looks like we may not be havingstories and they'd be back on

(06:51):
track.
So powerful.
When kids believe that they haveto or there's an outcome
difference, it really shifts thelistening.
So listening isn't just abouttheir ears, it's about the
action.
Our actions speak louder thanour words.
If there is no follow through,guess what they learn?

(07:20):
You don't really mean what yousay.
You don't say what you mean.
When there is follow through.
They listen because they knowthere's something behind those
words, your actions and thoseactions when they affect the
child's freedoms or privileges,then it starts to really change
things.
And it certainly did for mykids when I started to use more

(07:42):
statements of questions insteadof telling and then having some
meat on the bones or somebackbone to the request by
having a when.
Then.
When we're ready by this time,then this is the positive
outcome.
When we aren't, then this isthe negative outcome.
And putting that in their handsand saying you choose.

(08:05):
Now, a key part of this is youmay need to let them take the
sad road, the not so great road,and experience losing the books
.
And yes, it can be hard to dothat because you're like it's so
late, I just want to go to bed.
But if you can follow through,that's what I define as
suffering with a purpose, so youcan stop suffering in circles.

(08:27):
It leads to better results inthe long run.
Part three of why kids don'tlisten and this gets into my
example of the dad who saw hiskid just run up and do his thing
is they haven't been brought tothe table, and what that means
is if kids are not involved inthe solution.

(08:48):
They are way less likely tolisten to what you're asking
them to do.
They are way less likely tolisten to what you're asking
them to do.
So this dad, he decided,instead of just always solving
the problem for them, I'm goingto bring it up to them and let
them solve the problem.
So sometimes that happened infamily meetings bringing to the
table can look like hey, let'ssit down and talk about mornings

(09:11):
and why they're not going.
Well, let's come up with someplans of what else we need to do
.
One thing for our kids we cameup with in a family meeting was
let's start having the plan thatwe're going to find shoes and
backpacks and sports gear fortomorrow before we go to bed.
That way there's not this likerush at the last minute, because

(09:32):
of course it never happensearly in the morning.
It's always at the final hourthat one of them says wait,
where's my jersey?
Or oh, I can't find my shoesand I really want to wear those
shoes.
So new plan as a family we cameto the table, said how can we
make mornings better?
And we came to the solutionthat we will start to gather
things up at night.

(09:52):
And it really changed things,not because I just told them to
do that, but we sat down at thetable and problem solved
together.
Now this dad, who I'll call Andy, brought his child to the table
in terms of solving the problemby using the structure of two
key phrases I notice and what'syour plan for?

(10:16):
I notice, buddy, that you stilldon't have your shoes on your
feet.
What's your plan for that?
And he said, flora, I literallymy jaw just dropped when I saw
him just put down what he wasplaying with, run upstairs, grab

(10:36):
his shoes, come downstairs andsay, dad, I'm ready.
He was like he didn't answer meand he didn't do what he
normally does, which would bejust to blow me off or keep
playing or argue with me.
It was miraculous.
All I did was try that, thattemplate, flora, miraculous.
All I did was try that.
That template, flora.
I notice and what's your planfor?
And he was so pleasantlysurprised.

(11:04):
So, friend, this week to getbetter listening from your kids.
I hope it encourages you tothink about how these three key
errors can be easily shifted, tonot waste your time anymore in
those patterns where the kidsfeel like they're not seen or
heard, they don't feel like theyhave to listen or they don't
feel like they've been broughtto the table of solving the
problem together.

(11:25):
Friend, as always, I hope thisempowers you to parent with more
kindness and firmness at thesame time, so that parenting
finally feels sustainable.
And if you'd like assistance aperson really hearing your
individual story and giving youthe unique solutions and tweaks
that you've been missing withinyour tool belt, reach out.

(11:46):
I offer a free clarity call andthe information for that is in
this episode's description.
Finally, if you've gotten valuefrom today, tell us why.
We'd love to hear your commentsby scrolling to the bottom of
all episodes, marking the fifthstar and then sharing what this
episode meant to you.
See you again next week, wherewe're going to be diving into

(12:10):
how to survive summer.
And if you're a little nervousabout having your kids home a
lot extra or going on long tripstogether, then this is the
episode for you, because we'regoing to talk about ways that we
can set a solid foundation sowe have more joy and ease in our
family time this summer.
See you then.