113. From Fun to Done: Ending Activities Without a Battle

We're diving into how to solve transition battles with kids to help you move seamlessly from one activity to the next with more joy and ease. 

By the time you finish listening, you'll know:

How to stop the ineffective "coo-coo cycle" of commands and consequences and instead become the C.E.O. of transitions - with a powerful four-step approach.

1) Connection first (come alongside and notice what they have been playing with, or name it: "Boy! You have been having so much fun playing in this sand and building that castle. Look at it!"

2) Direct them to their "Last thing" when you have 2-5 min. left- like they say in Daniel Tiger's episode. This gives more empowerment and makes the child feel like they ended on the note THEY choose.: https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x6ve0cp

3) Use tools that give choice/playfulness to encourage cooperation (from the "Empowering statements" handout: https://drive.google.com/.../114xMIG_i5SZv-OzZct.../view...). This is CRITICAL. Instead of just saying "we have to go", put their brain on choices   

4) "2 roads" if needed. If they continue to not be motivated by all that - give a happy choice that has a happy result, vs. sad choice and sad result. Like: "well, you can go hopping or skipping, or I will hold your hand and help your body move to the car. You choose." I love the "What should Danny do" books to reinforce this idea in a way kids really like. https://www.amazon.com/.../ref=cm_sw_r_as_gl_undefined...!

Check out episodes 111 and 112 for more summer parenting strategies. Next week we'll cover what to do when your child cries at drop-off.

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1) Use this link for a FREE 20 min clarity call with Sustainable Parenting.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Have you found yourself in a situation where
you've had so much fun with yourchild at the park or a play
date, or picking them up fromsummer camp.
You're so excited to see theirjoy and yet it's immediately met
with battles over thetransition to leave that
situation.
Friend, today we're diving intohow to solve those transition

(00:23):
battles and make sure that youcan move from one thing to the
next with more joy and ease, andyou're going to especially
understand the tools that aremore helpful when you know
today's tip on how to stop thecuckoo cycle and instead use
strategies that make you the CEOwith that key acronym that

(00:46):
we're always talking about insustainable parenting.
Hello and welcome to theSustainable Parenting Podcast.
Let me tell you, friend, thisplace is different.
We fill that gap between gentleparenting and harsh discipline
that's really missing to parentwith kindness and firmness at
the same time and give you theexact steps to be able to parent

(01:08):
in ways that are more realisticand effective and, for that
reason, finally feel sustainable.
Welcome.
So this topic came to mebecause of a forum that I'm a

(01:32):
part of that I just want to givea shout out to right now called
the mom brain, and this wasstarted by a wonderful pair of
women that I know who decided tomake a space where you could
have this like collective mombrain and ask questions and get
answers from experts and fellowmoms.
So a question that came uptoday was are there any tips to
help my five year old leavesomewhere fun and peaceful or

(01:56):
fun and peacefully whether it'ssummer camp, the park, outings
it's always a fight to put shoeson and go, sometimes ending in
tantrums.
I've tried giving minutecountdowns, sticker charts,
practicing at home.
I'm at my wits end.
So I came up with the answer tothis and want to share it with

(02:17):
you today.
It's a four step process thatyou can think about every single
time that you're trying totransition, whether it's bath
time, leaving bath time, leavingthe park, leaving a friend's
house.
This applies in so manyscenarios and, friend, this is a
strategy I've been using withmy kids from as early as age one
or two, and still use thesestrategies often if we're having

(02:41):
challenges with my nine and 11year old.
So this is something that canspan the gamut I can share with
you.
A story that comes to mind is afamily I'm working with right
now in parent coaching.
We'll call their son, samuel,and the parents, susie and John.
So Susie and John have beenfrustrated that Samuel is not

(03:04):
transitioning easily into thethings they want them to do and
he will argue with them.
And he's a great little lawyer.
They're like gosh.
He can just like have all ofthese arguments and before I
know it, I'm like in this giantpower struggle with a
three-year-old and thinking howdid we get here?
And this strategy is somethingthat I taught to them.

(03:25):
They began implementing andthey came back just one week
later saying we are not havingthe battles with transitions,
it's better.
So this really can be somethingto change your life quickly.
Here are the four steps, friend,when you are coming into a
scenario where you're trying toget them to transition from
something that's been fun.
We're going to do these fourthings.

(03:49):
The first is connection, and ifyou work with me, I'm always
talking about connection beforecorrection.
This is foundational and comesfrom our best research about the
emotional brain andunderstanding that if we're in a

(04:09):
place that is heightened, it'slike we need someone to relate
to that emotion first.
Relate to us.
We want to be seen as a humanbeing, not just ordered around
like a golden retriever or arobot.
So if we just come up and say,okay, buddy, time to go, or even
if we've just set a timer, like, okay, we're going to leave in

(04:29):
five minutes, okay, it's beenfive minutes time to go, we're
still just using what I call thecuckoo cycle, commands and
consequences as our main tool.
So, friend, I want to elaborateand give you more to work with
and a much more effective way tothink about this moment.

(04:50):
And connection is the firstpart of the CEO acronym.
So we connect first andforemost, and what that looks
like can be naming what you seethey've been enjoying, or coming
alongside Boy, wait a minute,let me see what you've been
doing here in the sandbox.
Or, wow, you have been havingfun playing with the dog this

(05:14):
morning, haven't you?
Connect to what they're doing.
Don't call a command across theplayground or across the play
date area.
Make physical contact, take amoment to put their hands in
your hands, eyeball to eyeball,or even a little moment of a hug
.
Then step two is what Iconsider encouraging cooperation

(05:36):
.
And actually steps two andthree are going to be elements
of encouraging cooperation.
That's our E in the CEO acronym, in this case for transition.
After we've connected, I want toencourage you to direct them to
choose their last thing.
This is an idea I got fromPBS's Daniel Tiger when my son

(05:58):
was around two.
We watched this episode calledDaniel Tiger Doesn't Want to
Stop Playing, and there's thisadorable little song that they
sing.
Because, of course, that's thebeauty of these episodes is they
give great lessons in songs,and it says almost time to go.
So choose one last thing to do.
And then Daniel picks his lastthing OK, mom, I'm going to

(06:22):
build this last part of thetower, awesome.
And then she sings.
That was fun.
And now we're done.
Now you can hear, I'm not anamazing singer.
You don't have to be.
You don't even have to sing thesong if you don't want to.
But I encourage you to watchthe episode which will be linked
below in the description ofthis episode, and watch it with

(06:43):
your child, ages two through,I'd say, six.
If they're that young, you canexplain it through this episode
and then say honey, that's whatwe're going to do when we're
about ready to go.
Okay, I'm going to just let youknow we have two minutes left,
so it's time to choose your lastthing.
And then, after they do that,if they try to beg for another
last thing.

(07:04):
And another last thing.
You can use the little chant orsing it or say it.
That was fun and now we're done, let's get going Now.
Step three is another tool thatyou want to follow with that's
going to be more likely toencourage cooperation, and that
involves dropping the cuckoocycle command consequence model,

(07:27):
which would mean drop justsaying okay, buddy, I told you
two minutes time to go.
Instead, after you have giventhem the chance to do their last
thing, I want you to put theirbrain on choices.
Put their brain on choiceslooks like hey, do we want to go
to the car right side up orupside down?

(07:48):
Should we skip or hop?
Do you think we could make itthere in two minutes or three
minutes?
Do you think you can get yourshoes on fastest if you start
with your right shoe or yourleft shoe?
So, something that puts theirbrain on a choice instead of
just obedience or not.

(08:10):
We're going to move from theirlast thing that gave them a
sense of empowerment, intochoices.
This is so critical.
It's a different part of thebrain that starts firing when we
say do you want to do it thisway or that way, versus saying,
hey, this is what you have to do, want to do it this way or that
way, versus saying, hey, thisis what you have to do, and
essentially that implies are yougoing to do what I'm saying or
not?
We want to give choices thatare a win-win instead of a

(08:35):
battle.
Okay, friends, so just toreview, if you're tracking with
me, we start with connection.
Come alongside, name whatthey're involved in, notice it,
maybe even a physical hug ofconnection and eye contact.
Okay, step two and three are twodifferent versions of how to
encourage cooperation.
That's hey, let's do our lastthing.

(08:56):
Buddy, you have two minutesleft.
What's your last thing you wantto do?
And then put their brain onchoices, instead of saying a
command or a direction.
Say two choices hey, are yougoing to have this snack in the
car or that snack?
Should we listen to this songor that song?
Should we skip or jump Somesort of choices?

(09:18):
Then, my friend, if that hasnot encouraged it to go well yet
, we have to go to step four,which is the ownership, in our
CEO acronym, that's connection,encouraging cooperation, and
then ownership.
Ownership is where we give twochoices.

(09:38):
You can take the happy roadhappy result, sad road, sad
result.
We want them to own that theirchoices have outcomes.
It's not just that we're goingto be mad at them, like if you
don't, I'm going to be so mad atyou.
Or like, please, please, please, do it.
And then, if they don't do it,we just keep begging in a
different way or begging in adifferent way.
We need it to be clear.

(09:59):
So our kids connect the dotsHappy choices lead to happy
results.
Sad choices lead to sad resultsand in a moment of transition
that might sound like okay,buddy, well, you can choose to
hop or skip, or I will help yourbody move to the car.

(10:21):
Friend, you can choose to puton your right shoe or your left
shoe, or I will put them on foryou.
And that might lead to a littlebit of upset if you have to
follow through on the sad result.
But then, friend, then you'remore in the field of suffering
with a purpose instead of justsuffering in circles.
When you have done all thoseother steps first and clearly
given them the choice and theyhave still not chosen the happy

(10:45):
road, then our outcome of havingto, you know, kind of hold
their hand or move them to thecar, the upset of putting them
into the car seat when they'refeeling resistant still is going
to have a lesson learned,because they had all of those
other moments that they couldhave made a different choice and

(11:05):
you gave them the opportunityto be very clear that they could
walk on their own or you weregoing to help them.
They could get up into the carseat like a rocket ship or a
popcorn kernel bursting, or youwere going to help them.
So, friend, I find that thisstep one, two, three and four
tend to lead us into bettercooperation with a lot less

(11:28):
effort.
And if we have to go to thatuncomfortable last layer of it
still being a bit of a battle,we've at least handled it in a
way that is suffering with apurpose.
It's going to lead to betterbehavior in the future, instead
of handling it in a way that'sjust going to keep us suffering
in circles.
All right, friend, this is mygoal for you this week that this

(11:50):
empowers you to be able to havemore joy and ease in your
summer plans this week.
And if you're needing moresupport with your summer and all
things that could bechallenging, please check out
episodes 111 about setting upyour summer for more joy and
less battles, and episode 112,where we talk about Tech Time

(12:11):
Battles a summer survival guide.
Next week we're going torefresh on what to do when your
child cries at drop-off.
If they are having a hard timebeginning the thing, we'll give
you tools for that, as todaywe've talked about what to do if
they're having a hard timeending the thing.
And, as always, friend, if youneed additional support, that's

(12:33):
what we do here at SustainableParenting, in one-on-one and
group coaching.
Reach out via the informationin your episode description if
you'd like to know more.
See you next time.