114. Smart Consequences: Breaking the Code on What works and What Doesn’t.

Ever felt like the consequences you're using just aren't working?

Maybe you've taken away screen time, treats, or even big events—only to see the same behavior again. It can feel frustrating and confusing when nothing seems to make a difference.

In this episode, we take a closer look at why some consequences fall flat, and how small, thoughtful changes can lead to big results. You’ll hear Sean’s story—how he moved from taking away a big event to finding calmer, more connected ways to guide his child’s behavior.

After listening, you’ll walk away with:
• Three common mistakes that can make consequences less effective
• A simple way to use small, step-by-step consequences that help kids learn
• Ideas for keeping limits firm while still showing care and connection

This conversation gently unpacks how effective consequences can support your child’s growth while also keeping your relationship strong. It’s not about punishment—it’s about teaching, guiding, and growing together.

✨Want more?

1) Use this link for a FREE 20 min clarity call with Sustainable Parenting.

2) Download the FREE pdf. on getting kids to listen.

3) Buy a 3 session Coaching Bundle (saving you $100) - for THREE 30-min sessions 1:1 with ME, where we get right to the heart of your challenges, and give you small, powerful shifts that make a huge difference fast.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
You're listening to the Sustainable Parenting
Podcast with Flora McCormick.
On this episode, we are talkingabout super effective
consequences and I can't wait toshare with you the secrets that
helped amazing dad Sean to movefrom taking away Christmas to
being a dad who had effectiveconsequences, that he left the

(00:23):
moment feeling good about andactually impacted his child's
behavior.
Hello and welcome to theSustainable Parenting Podcast.
Let me tell you, friend, thisplace is different.
We fill that gap between gentleparenting and harsh discipline
that's really missing to parentwith kindness and firmness at
the same time and give you theexact steps to be able to parent

(00:47):
in ways that are more realisticand effective and, for that
reason, finally feel sustainable.
Welcome.
Today's listener of the week isShannon.
Shannon has been an incrediblesupporter of sustainable

(01:11):
parenting since its beginningand she shared this review Today
.
We avoided a huge meltdownbecause I used the tactics that
I learned and it was amazing.
He yelled twice.
I lost my temper the first time, so I walked away to reset.
He tried again and then I hadmy game plan and within 30
seconds we were back to normaland he was happily cleaning up

(01:33):
the mess he made Amazing.
Thanks so much, shannon, andfor leaving a five-star review,
we will be sending you a specialbonus in DM as you listen today
.
If this impacts you in apositive way, we'd love to hear
from you and also have you leavea five-star review so that you
could be noted as one of ourlisteners of the week in an

(01:55):
upcoming podcast episode.
Many parents come to me in asimilar place as Sean.
They say to me nothing seems toimpact my kids' behavior.
I mean seriously, it doesn'tmatter what we take away, it

(02:15):
doesn't matter what we threaten,they don't seem to care.
It doesn't seem to matterunless I'm yelling at them or
bribing them.
Can you relate?
If this is you, friend, I betyou are missing.
What we are going to talk abouttoday.
We're going to unravel the bigmessy jumble that can be what's

(02:38):
going on in your system ofconsequences.
That's what I mainly find isthat it's just too messy and
complicated and intertwined andnot connected in the right way,
and that's why consequenceslikely are not working for you.
So let me give you the secretsthat Sean used to move from
taking away Christmas andbirthdays and just losing his

(02:59):
temper to being in a place wherehe felt he knew what to do to
impact the behavior and feltproud of himself when he walked
away knowing he'd be able tofollow through.
Here's the difference.
The main errors that I see manyparents making in terms of
consequences are these First ofall, they're way too big the

(03:23):
consequences.
We often think, oh, I'm goingto just go really big to see if
it'll really get them to do whatI want.
So if you're not listening tome, you better do this thing.
Or you're not going anywherefor a week, or you will lose
your birthday party, or you'renot going to play for the entire
weekend.
Well then, the weekend comesaround and in a way, that is

(03:48):
something we're going to keepfollowing through on in a

(04:12):
consistent way, because we knowthat's important for behavior
change.
So first major error is goingtoo big.
Second major error, I see, ishaving consequences that are not
connected but are just aboutrevenge.
If you're always like I justdon't know what's really going
to hurt them in this moment,that's often going to lead you

(04:34):
to feel empty-handed and notknowing how to get something in
that moment.
You end up running out of ideasthat are outside of technology
or dessert.
So instead, let's think aboutthe real intention of
consequences is not just to hurtthem and that's not at all the
intention.

(04:54):
It's so that they can learn andwant to make better choices in
the future.
We want consequences to befuture focused, not backward
shaming.
And the third major error thatI see happening in terms of
ineffective consequences is thatwe think we need to deliver the

(05:17):
consequence in a really seriousand kind of bad way, like you
are going to hurt because ofthis and friend.
Then we might either push theirbuttons of self-shame and blame
and they start saying thingslike I'm just a bad kid, I'm
like I can't do anything wrong,and that just shuts them down

(05:51):
with that sense of cruel, likecruelness in our voice and
feeling shame and blame thatthey're just going to be like
well, I'm going to pretend likeI don't even care.
So we either get rebellion orwe get self-loathing and we know
we don't want those for ourkids, but we don't even realize
that that's what's coming fromineffective consequences.
So the three key things don'tgo too big, don't just be trying

(06:12):
to hurt and don't be in a modethat is trying to really shame
or blame.
Here's what I want you to doinstead.
This is going to be way moreeffective and it's not harder,
it's just a little bit of adifferent twist in your mindset.
First step is to think small.

(06:33):
Think of incremental steps thatlead the child into being more
likely to change their behavioraround.
For instance, a child who isnot getting ready for bedtime
and is dilly-dallying, trying torun away, not getting their
jammies on messing with theirsibling.
We can have a plan in advancethat when we are done by this

(06:55):
number on the clock, we willhave time for two books, and if
it takes you longer than thatbecause you're doing X, y and Z,
we will only have time for onebook.
So that's a very clear way toexplain in a step down method.
That's not just that's it go tobed and you don't get anything
that will motivate them to getback on track.

(07:16):
So get done quick and snappy.
You get two books.
Oh no, we might lose one book,and if they're continuing to
horse around, you might be ableto then take away that second
book.
Maybe there's songs too.
So, step-by-step, we are givingthem new opportunities to say
you've had this outcome, nowpull it together so you don't
lose another piece.
Or if you continue down thisroad of negative choices, you're

(07:41):
going to lose something else.
So go small.
Small less is more in terms ofconsequences.
Second thing we don't need tothink about just what's going to
hurt them.
Let's try to make it asreasonable and related as
possible.
So if a child keeps leavingtheir toys all out at night and
won't clean them up, well, guesswhat?

(08:02):
Any toy that I clean up on myown, without you contributing,
is going to get put away for acouple of days, or maybe one day
.
I used to do this as young aswhen my toddler was two, saying
oh, let's clean up together Allthe toys that I clean up by
myself I'm going to put on topof the fridge, and that would

(08:22):
just be for a day.
But boy would that turn thingsaround for him to want to start
contributing.
Older kids, like my son, whenhe kept not putting away his
bike responsibly to make itrelated, instead of just taking
away tech time or something elsethat I knew would hurt him, it
was when your bike is left outat night, that will not be

(08:42):
available the next day.
You know, if I have to put itaway for you, then it's not
going to be available.
You're not handling thatprivilege responsibly, so you'll
lose it for one day.
Getting back to rule number oneless is more.
Not for a whole week, but oneday at a time.
So small, less is more.
Secondly, look for things thatare reasonable and related to

(09:05):
the behavior.
And third of all, let's notmake it shame-based.
Let's always, always, beconveying our consequences in a
way that is relationship-based,and my favorite phrase, which I
also mentioned in episode one ofthe podcast check it out
backwards if you haven't yet isI love you?

(09:26):
And the answer is no.
We can deliver our consequenceswithout there needing to be
shame or blame in the process,and this is that beautiful
balance that I love to teachparents in.
That is kindness and firmnessat the same time.
And, friend, if you have beencurious about what that could

(09:49):
look like, or even, as you'rehearing those words, you think,
holy smokes, kind and firm atthe same time.
Hmm, that would be nice if Iknew how to do that Then reach
out.
My email is in the show notesbelow and I would love to hear
from you.
What questions do you have?
What moments in your disciplinehas it been hard to be kind and

(10:11):
firm at the same time?