96. Siblings Fighting Over Fairness

Did you know, 75% of families surveyed in 2004 said 75% of their children's fights with each other are over THINGS (ie. posessions).  The remainder of the fights are typically over the parent's attention.  And BOY can it be frustrating.  

Sibling rivalry often stems from children’s perceptions of fairness, affecting family dynamics significantly, so let's find some quick solutions today.

This episode emphasizes addressing underlying feelings rather than merely trying to create equitable treatment, guiding parents toward a more effective approach to fostering cooperation among siblings.

When you are listening, you'll know: 

• Common challenges of sibling rivalry 
• How to "solve the feeling, not the fairness" 
• Expert advice from books like "Siblings Without Rivalry" 
• Practical strategies for problem-solving within family dynamics 
• Ways to foster loving patterns in your family

✨Want more?

1) Use this link for a FREE 20 min clarity call with Sustainable Parenting.

2) Download the FREE pdf. on getting kids to listen.

3) Buy a 3 session Coaching Bundle (saving you $100) - for THREE 30-min sessions 1:1 with ME, where we get right to the heart of your challenges, and give you small, powerful shifts that make a huge difference fast.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hi, friend, you're listening to episode 96 of the
Sustainable Parenting Podcastwith me, Flora McCormick,
licensed therapist, parentingcoach of over 20 years and early
childhood mental healthconsultant.
Today we're talking about howto help these issues of siblings
fighting over fairness and thisis an issue that came up in a

(00:22):
parent coaching session thisweek, and I would say issues
around siblings comes up atleast on a weekly basis in the
work that I do with family.
So if you're having strugglesbetween kids saying that's not
fair, trust me you're not aloneand trust me, this is a very
easy and memorable and usabletool today that I want to give

(00:46):
you to quickly get into morecalm and cooperation.
Hello and welcome to theSustainable Parenting Podcast.
Let me tell you, friend, thisplace is different.
We fill that gap between gentleparenting and harsh discipline
that's really missing to parentwith kindness and firmness at
the same time and give you theexact steps to be able to parent

(01:11):
in ways that are more realisticand effective and, for that
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Welcome Real quick.
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(01:32):
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(01:52):
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She said Flora really helpedour family tweak a few things so
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interactions not just the goodones, but the difficult ones too
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Flora helped us step outsideour parenting roles to see what

(02:15):
was going on from more of abird's eye perspective, and it
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helped us regulate ourselves sowe could better regulate our
spirited child.
And there's more in that review.
You can see it on Google amongother reviews, but I just wanted
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(02:42):
All right into our topic fortoday.
How do we help siblings withfights over fairness, the key
phrase I want you to think about, friend, is solve the feeling,
not the fairness.
Solve the feeling, not thefairness.
Here's what I mean.
Countless books about siblingrivalry tell you to do something

(03:07):
that you might not think ismaking the most sense, which is
to go the opposite direction offairness.
Countless books that I haveread, including Siblings Without
Rivalry and a book called howto Raise Kids who Aren't A-Holes
side note, wonderful book andothers that I have read about

(03:30):
siblings, say when we enforcethoughts about fairness, we
actually feed the beast.
Meaning, if a child says to usthat's not fair, that Jason gets
to go to a birthday party, I'mnot doing anything special today
, and we think we have to createa special equivalent for that
child, we actually feed thembeing more whiny and more

(03:54):
discontent over fairness in thefuture.
So let me just give you sometidbits from some of the experts
.
One of my favorites.
It comes from Siblings WithoutRivalry, written by the authors
of how to Talk so Kids WillListen and Listen so Kids Will
Talk, which is Faber and Maslish.

(04:15):
And they say instead of givingequal amounts, give according to
individual need.
Equal amounts, give accordingto individual need.
So meaning, if it's not, it'snot about you get six grapes and
you're complaining that yoursister got seven grapes.
But you're saying do you havewhat you need?
Did you get some grapes?
Yes, Everyone got some grapes.

(04:37):
We're not leaving anyone outand in terms of equal love, even
if it becomes this competition,you're holding her on your lap.
That's not fair.
I want to turn on your lap.
I had one client who said thatwas happening so much and she
constantly felt torn betweenmeeting each child's needs and
they were kind of never ending,always asking for more, and she

(05:00):
would feel just deflated by itall and really empty of giving,
giving, giving and it neverbeing enough.
The kid's always wanting more.
Instead of showing equal love,show the child that he or she is
uniquely loved.
So instead of needing to say Iknow I had her on my lap for

(05:23):
five minutes, I'll let you havemy lap in five minutes for five
minutes also.
Don't need that equality.
We just say are you needing areminder that I love you too?
I do love you too.
I have sister on my lap rightnow and let me remind you with
my words I love this, this andthis about you.
So it doesn't have to be equal.

(05:45):
We can just remind them howmuch we uniquely love them, and
the client that I was justmentioning.
As soon as she made this changeto actually less focus on
equality and just being able tosay I love you, I'm here for you
, and sometimes I'll have her onmy lap, Sometimes I'll have you
on your on my lap.

(06:05):
I'm not going to make itperfectly equal.
I will be with you when I canand I love you both equally.
She saw dramatic change intheir fights over fairness and
dramatic change in this pull oftug of war that she had felt.
It just, she said it like justdropped it just totally made it

(06:25):
disappear that there was nolonger this fight over her when
she wasn't playing the game ofkeeping the tally sheet always
equal and, instead of givingequal time, give time according
to need.
They're like that's not fair.
You're taking her to your, tothe basketball game, You're

(06:46):
going to be with her for a wholehour.
It's like yes, and when youneed me for something, I will be
taking you to that.
I will be taking you when youhave cheerleading practice or if
you need a ride to a friend'ssleepover.
I am there for each one of youas best as I can with what your
needs are, so you do not have tobe fighting with them about

(07:11):
equality.
We can focus instead on lovingthem uniquely.
So when I say to focus on thefeeling instead of the fairness,
it's in line in the way that ifyou're responding to your child
and you're saying you knowyou're fine with seven, with six

(07:33):
grapes, you know, yes, sister'son my lap right now, or yes,
I'm taking brother to thebasketball game and they're
still upset.
You can try the process I callNIP, which focuses on the
feeling.
You start with naming to tame.
We name it to tame it.
That's the N Boy.

(07:53):
I notice you're very frustrated.
I notice you're sad.
I focus on the feeling that'sunderneath you're sad.
I focus on the feeling that'sunderneath their whining or
complaining of fairness.
Second in the NIP, acronym N-I-Pis I and that's I'm listening.

(08:14):
Tell me more.
Now, that's hard to do becausewe usually want to just say
knock it off, this doesn'tmatter, and we get very cerebral
.
But this leans into the heart,which is usually what's the
fairness is about.
Do you love me as much as youlove my sister or brother?
So we're attending to that.
Tell me more why this bothersyou.
Then we listen and then P isproblem solve or pivot.

(08:37):
Problem solve would look likewhat can we do to make this
better?
And if they're like, just giveme this one more grape so it's
equal, or take me to the game orlet me on the lap.
No, no, no, we're not solvingthe fairness, we're solving the
feeling.
What can we do to make thefeeling of being sad better?

(09:01):
I'm happy to give you a hug.
I'm happy to remind youuniquely how much I love you.
I'm happy to remind you thatwe'll be spending time together
in other ways.
I will always be giving youwhat you need, not necessarily
equally, but uniquely.
So N-I-P.
Sometimes that P, especiallywhen they're little, just looks

(09:22):
like a pivot.
You know, hey, did you want tomaybe check out the tractors
over there?
Something to distract andredirect.
So, friend, when you noticethis fights about fairness, if
it's fighting especially foryour attention, your time,
things from you, I want you tothink about how to focus on the

(09:46):
feeling, not the fairness, andhow you can love each child
uniquely and not have to do itequally.
All right, friend, I hope thisgives you a good strategy to use
this week and as always, sothat you can build your tool
belt of being kind and firm atthe same time, so that parenting
finally feels sustainable.

(10:07):
See you next week.