97.⁠ ⁠Gentle Discipline: How to be firm, not punitive, to redirect behavior

This podcast addresses a common concern among gentle parents: How to set and maintain effective boundaries without resorting to punitive measures.

Here are Sustainable Parenting I know the importance of discipline within the gentle parenting framework, and want to highlight the need for balance between empathy and structure.

Research indicates that gentle parenting can face challenges such as inconsistent discipline and a lack of firm boundaries, which may impact a child's ability to develop self-control and decision-making skills. 

Additionally, misconceptions about gentle parenting, such as the belief that it means no discipline or that children get their way all the time, can lead to unrealistic expectations and stress for parents.

By focusing on balancing boundaries, this podcast aims to provide gentle parents with strategies to navigate discipline effectively, ensuring their children develop essential life skills while maintaining a nurturing environment.

Remembering that discipline is really about teaching our child better behavior, let's take a look at how gentle parents can discipline without needing to use harsh punishments.

By the time you finish listening, you'll know: 

• There are many ways parents can set firm boundaries while maintaining a gentle approach. 
• Through practical strategies you will leave with skills to redirect misbehavior in a loving way. 

✨Want more?

1) Use this link for a FREE 20 min clarity call with Sustainable Parenting.

2) Download the FREE pdf. on getting kids to listen.

3) Buy a 3 session Coaching Bundle (saving you $100) - for THREE 30-min sessions 1:1 with ME, where we get right to the heart of your challenges, and give you small, powerful shifts that make a huge difference fast.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:02):
You're listening to Episode 97 of the Sustainable
Parenting Podcast with me, floraMcCormick, licensed Clinical
Professional Counselor,parenting Coach and Early
Childhood Mental HealthConsultant, and I want to talk
to you today about how to holdfirm boundaries in a gentle,
gentle way.
Sometimes these can feel likeopposite terms kind and firm,

(00:28):
gentle and firm but they aren't.
They can really live hand inhand and if it's a priority to
you to be able to holdboundaries with your child
without being punitive, withoutbeing harsh, today's the episode
for you the exact steps to beable to parent in ways that are

(01:03):
more realistic and effective and, for that reason, finally feel
sustainable.
Welcome and friend.
If you have enjoyed contentfrom this podcast, please leave
us a five-star review by goingto the bottom of the show

(01:25):
episode descriptions andclicking on the fifth star and
then leaving a comment.
It really helps others to knowabout this podcast and have
tools so that their lives canfeel more enjoyable in
parenthood.
And just so you know, our goalthis year is to impact 1000
families through either ourlunch and learn workshops or

(01:47):
in-person workshops here inBozeman, montana, retreats for
moms and couples and also myparent coaching work.
So I hope you get to be a partof some of that impact this year
by checking out events atsustainableparentingcom slash
events.
By checking out events atsustainableparentingcom slash

(02:10):
events.
And first of all I want to sharea piece of feedback that came
from a mama that I just workedwith and her name, I'll say, is
Melissa, and she is sort of agentle parent, overly gentle
parent, in recovery.
She came to me because she wastrying really hard to use tools
of gentle parenting and, as asingle mom of two kids under

(02:31):
five, she was noticing the waysthat it was not working.
She loved being able to attendto her child's feelings, but she
also was having her childroutinely hitting her, her child
routinely yelling and throwingtantrums, and she was feeling
really powerless.
And in those moments of feelingpowerless and she found herself

(02:54):
doing this thing I call pingpong parenting, which was
bouncing back and forth betweengentle mom and monster mom.
When she was only having thetools of overly gentle parenting
, she was able to be nice andkind and supportive only to a
certain level, where then, whenshe felt out of control, she
would bounce into monster momand she didn't like how that

(03:16):
felt.
And this is something that Ihear in at least 40% of the
parents.
I work with 40%.
So if you are in this cycle too,trust me, friend, you are not
alone.
And trust me, friend, it's nota personal problem, it's not you
, it's the tool.
It's not you somehow needing tomagically just be more kind, be

(03:40):
more calm, be more patient.
Those are the words I oftenhear from moms that are in this
spiral of going back and forththe pinball parenting.
What you are missing, friend,is the tool of how to be more
firm in a way that's notpunitive.
I like to say firm is not thesame as harsh, right, and that

(04:03):
may be what you have felt is anymoment you've tried to elicit
firmness that you were coachedin or learning or reading about,
it felt too harsh, andsometimes this takes nuance.
Sometimes this takes personpersonal coaching to understand
that nuance.
What does, what are the words,the phrases, the actions that

(04:25):
are firm but not harsh?
If you're thinking, yes, that'swhat I've been missing.
I want to know how to be firmin my boundaries without being
harsh.
That may be a good space for usto move into some coaching, but
I am going to give you one ofmy key secrets today that I
believe is a really effectivebeginning place to start in how

(04:49):
to be firm, not harsh.
So here are three key things Iwant you to think about that are
going to help you be more firmand kind in your discipline and
not punitive.
We don't need to get intopunishment to still effectively
have good boundaries with ourchildren.
And how do we do it?

(05:09):
Okay, tip number one of how tohave good discipline without
punishment is make sure you'remaking agreements in advance.
Do the thinking in advance ofhow to prepare for your possible
challenges so that you're notdoing just putting out fires.
Put your energy in preventionso you don't have to spend it

(05:31):
putting out fires.
What does that look like?
That means, if I don't want tobe in a battle constantly with
my child over whether they canwatch one more cocoa melon or
whether I'm going to go makethem one more snack or whether
I'm going to read one more book,I want to make some agreements
in advance that we both canoperate from.

(05:52):
Let's make an agreement inadvance we watch one show while
we're eating our breakfast, orthat I make you one snack and
when that snack is done, then wecan make get another one.
But if you haven't finished itand you're hungry again we're
going to finish that snack orwith books.
You know we're always going todo three books for nap time and

(06:14):
that's our agreement.
When it's done, it's done.
If you'd like another book, wecan listen to that after bedtime
, after you've woken up, or nexttime that we're going down for
a nap.
So the agreement in advancehelps decrease our power
struggles, which decreasemoments where we feel like we
have to set boundaries, whichdecrease moments where we feel

(06:36):
like we have to be firm againstthe child being upset.
Make agreements in advance.
The second key thing that'sreally going to help you to
parent with gentleness that is,not have to involve punishment
is to make sure that you'reusing the term whenever you have
to say no to your child, usingthe term whenever you have to

(06:56):
say no to your child, that yousay no with a yes.
There are lots of great momentsyou can prevent an upset by
saying no with a yes.
So if they are wanting to getup and play, you're saying oh,
my goodness, as soon as we havefinished what we're doing here
and cleaning up this area, thenyou absolutely can go over and
play over there.
Oh, wait, wait, wait, hold on.

(07:17):
As soon as you're done here.
Friend, you can definitely goover there.
So it's a way to be keeping theboundary.
I'm not letting you just runover and do all these other
things, just dump things out andnot attend to what needs to get
cleaned up first.
But I can redirect you to thatin a positive way.
As soon as is a key framing tosay no with a yes Again.

(07:40):
To just make this crystal clearinstead of saying no, no, no,
you can't go over there, youneed to come back, I say it with
a yes by saying oh, I see youwant to go over there.
Yes, as soon as we pick this up, we will absolutely go play
over there.
As soon as you pick this up,you can absolutely get out that
next activity.

(08:00):
I'm emphasizing yes, while stillholding a boundary, and I'm
happy to say that the mom Imentioned at the beginning of
the episode, melissa, now, afterour just one month of working
together, has been saying thatshe's amazed at the change she's
noticing.
Last week when we talked in ourcoaching, she said the little

(08:23):
things are adding up so much.
Things are just really going somuch better.
My daughter is regulatingherself, my son is not hitting
as much as he was, and evenbedtime is going better.
And then this week she said onMonday you know, my kids
actually were pretty naughty andmisbehaving over the weekend,

(08:44):
but what I really noticed wastheir energy didn't penetrate me
the way it used to.
I knew exactly what to do, so Ididn't get riled up by their
misbehavior and I took the stepsyou've been teaching me and it
redirected things and it felt sogood.
I was the calm, confident momI've been wanting to be.

(09:06):
And the third key thing that canreally help you to hold firm
boundaries without needing to bepunitive is to use the phrase I
love you and the answer is no,and this is translatable to lots
of different things I love youand insert boundary.
So if they're climbing on you,begging to want to nurse one

(09:27):
more time and you just nursethem and you know it's more of a
soothing strategy and you'retrying to transition them to
also soothing with other tools,like maybe their lovey, and not
just lifting your shirt up oryanking on your shirt, it's okay
to say honey, I love you, I'mgoing to hug you, I can, you
know, gently hold you close andsay I know that we don't need to

(09:51):
nurse right now.
Let's get our lovey stuffy, orlet's get you a bottle or a
sippy cup of milk or whateveryou're transitioning the child
to, if that's a moment you'reneeding to set a boundary for
your own body, or if you're in aspace where you have been
wanting to set a boundary ontheir screaming and ask begging

(10:14):
for things, and that scream hasled you to want to say okay,
okay, you can hold that firmnessto love them and say I love you
.
I can tell you'd love to havethat toy, and then the boundary
might be a pivot Like let'sabsolutely put that on your
Amazon wishlist for Christmas,that'd be a great thing.
Or Easter's coming up, let'ssee if we can put that on a list

(10:37):
and let the Easter Bunny knowthat's something you're
interested in so we can say Ilove you.
And this is where my boundarylies.
And just as a side note here,friends, since I know this
nursing boundary especiallymight be pushing some buttons, I
just want to highlight that Irecently was introduced to Pooja

(11:02):
Lakshman's book about self-care, and it's a wonderful book that
talks about five key areas thatactually help us, as mothers,
to decrease burnout, and thatself-care is not just bubble
baths and juice cleanses.
But what is it really that canhelp sustain us in this role of

(11:26):
motherhood and decrease oursense of burnout?
And so one of the key toolsthat I took from that was
boundaries being able to haveboundaries with our children of
what we are and are not willingto do.
17 books, nursing for the 15thtime when I know they are fed
and nourished and this is moreof a different habit we're

(11:49):
trying to transition.
It's okay to have thoseboundaries if they've been
pushing you to the edge of yourmental and emotional enjoyment
of your child and friend.
I say this with greatcompassion.
I want you to know if you aresitting there listening and

(12:11):
thinking I have felt so guiltythat I want this boundary.
I have felt like I'm a bad mom.
If I want this boundary,whatever it may be, if it's that
I don't want to lay next to mychild for an hour at bedtime or
a different boundary I'vementioned already today, I want
you to know it's okay.
You are entitled to be able tosit down and eat a warm meal.

(12:34):
You are entitled to be able tosay no to your child about the
things that you feel wouldpreserve your mental sanity and
if you need support in that, afriend that's rooting you on,
cheering you on and helping youreally understand what's
clinically still supportive toyour child and your whole family

(12:58):
system.
Let's talk that's one of myother favorite things I get to
do in coaching.
Be that cheerleader, be thatsounding board that's very
educated in this topic, hasexperience in training in gentle
parenting, attachment parenting, clinical best practices of
evidence-based strategies tohold firm boundaries that are
also really aligned withattachment.

(13:21):
Let's connect, friend.
I'd love to be that soundingboard and that support for you,
but today these are your threetop tips to be able to hold firm
boundaries that don't have tofeel harsh, to be able to feel
more sanity in your gentleparenting role.
And, as always, I hope thishelps equip you to be kind and

(13:43):
firm at the same time inparenting so that your role as
mom or dad or caretaker finallyfeels sustainable.