September 30, 2025 • 27 mins
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Get comfy with your beverage of choice, because today is heavy. Today, grief is on my heart, and I've been through plenty of it. I lost my mother to breast cancer when I was 14 years old. I didn't know what grief was or how to handle it, and I had nobody around to help me.
Today, I want to help you. Grief isn't always about losing a loved one, but it is always a loss. A loss of a relationship, a loss of love, a loss of something you used to have. We all go through the 5 stages of grief in different ways and along with that, we lose a version of ourselves too.
Heal with me today. Honor the you that you used to be and honor the grieving process, however you need it to look.
I offer 1-to-1 training to help you find the systems, train the people, make it work and provide the best customer service in your salon. Send me a DM on Instagram to learn more! https://www.instagram.com/patricestar
Find out more about Patrice's courses and faves on her website https://www.thedesignstudiomd.com/
Music credit: LA Nightlife by Full Frontal Audio
A Subito Media production
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Patrice B (00:43):
Welcome to Tacos, tequila therapy and the Tea with
your girl.
Patrice Be the podcast will betake the shots, tell the truth,
and we are doing the damn work.
But today, you guys, before Ieven dive in, um, I just wanna
(01:03):
give a gentle content warningthat today's episode will be
touching on grief death.
Of relationships and loss of oldversions of ourselves.
So if you are in a tender space,please take care of yourself as
you listen, because the realityis, is that grief isn't always
(01:26):
about death.
It's also losing people that welove.
The end of relationships andparts of ourselves, we had to
let go.
I really get into this podcastreally, what is grief?
And I feel like grief has manyfaces.
(01:47):
I mean, the main thing that wethink about is death.
A side note that today's podcastis definitely coming with that
Greg Gru and Cranberry on thepink side.
Definitely not the red.
This is a heavy one for me, butlike we were saying before, it
doesn't always just appear indeath.
(02:08):
It shows up in quiet endings,breakups, walking away from a
jog or realizing shit that youjust, not the same person that
you once were.
Know that it is not failure.
It's a part of love and growth.
I've experienced all three fromthe loss of my mom, heartbreaks
(02:33):
of relationships ending andgrieving.
Oh, diversions of myself alongthe way.
Our main focus sometimes is justdeath, and there's always
something changing, somethingending and something beginning.
Losing my mom at 14 wasdefinitely just like a
(02:53):
heartbreaking moment, and itwas, ooh.
It was swift.
Even though she was sick, shehad cancer.
As we are approaching breastcancer awareness month, Her
second time around, she waspresented with six months to
live, even though she's lastlonger than six months.
(03:16):
I, she wa lasted way longer thansix months.
Probably found out maybe when Iwas like 12, 13, that her time
was coming.
So imagine that she was not evengone before my grief had started
because you already know thatthere's an ending coming and
there were probably waves of,you know, from the anger, the
(03:40):
sadness, woulda, coulda,shoulda.
All of those things happenedwhen I lost my mom, and I just
realized in this.
2025, early 2025 that I neverwas really given a chance to
grieve.
Life had to go on very quickly,like my mom had a birthday, she
(04:01):
died, and within a month I wasin a new country living with a
whole completely different life,living in Germany.
Waking up, like waking up.
Where the hell am I?
What am I doing?
What is going on in my life?
What time is it?
How come I just can't pick upthe phone and call people that I
(04:23):
once knew?
I'm not even seeing people thatI once knew a whole new
environment, everything.
And so grief looks so differentand we think those five stages,
just happened.
So.
Linear, right?
They change, but it was all overthe place.
(04:43):
And then leaving Germany andcoming back home, coming back to
the states and making some realgrownup decisions.
'cause I was 14.
To stay with friends other thanstaying with family.
So being.
Essentially homeless.
I was sleeping on floors andsofas, but amongst people that I
(05:05):
knew until I graduated highschool.
So everything that I once knewbefore the age of 14 was
completely different, and ithappened swiftly.
I still feel my mom's presencewith me.
I'm still so connected to her.
Like anyone who knows me knows Iain't stealing shit.
(05:28):
'cause my mother would probablycome down from heaven and snatch
my little but up or snatch myedges or something.
I really think she probablywould get my edges because that
probably would bother me themost.
Right.
and get me, because that womanis absolutely amazing.
But I still think she would getme.
But that was something that shejust really didn't like in
people, thieves and liars.
(05:50):
Right.
And so I've always just try tobe my authentic self, losing my
mom was a major crash to thesystem.
And then I realized that I havelost important people in my life
every decade of my life, whereyou have some people who have
never really experienced griefin terms of death, right?
(06:13):
And other ways.
So when death hits, it hits themhard.
They're like, what in the world?
Life happens, and some peopleexperience it very young.
It doesn't matter when youexperience it, it is still hard.
I'm gonna tell you, I love Ms.
Joyce Brown.
That is my lady.
(06:33):
It is my favorite lady, amazingwoman who persevered her and her
time was very resilient.
The way she would still show upeven when she was sick, man is
admir.
Very, very admirable, but alongwith just losing people in my
(06:56):
life in terms of death,grandmother, aunts, sisters,
great nephew, pretty heavy.
It's also the grief of loss ofrelationships.
Those ones that you thoughtwould last or you've been in for
a while, we are going to, youknow, make the home stretch or
whatever that home stretch wasgoing to be.
(07:16):
Right?
Was it going to be marriage orthat it would just last for a
while and then they don't andthey end.
You have people now who areolder and their friendships,
best friends of 20 plus years.
Things look different.
And then you, you know, youjust, sometimes you have those
relationships too, where youmight have stayed too long and
(07:39):
it should have ended, but whenthey end before you feel like it
should be, you're ready to endit.
It's kind of a jolt to thesystem when it's a surprise and
it feels like rejection.
When those relationships end, orlike say somebody cheated on you
or mistreated you, and they comeas a surprise.
(08:01):
and then you have some of thoserelationships that were so good
that it is like they didn't havethe in intent to hurt you, but
they did, or vice versa.
You may have done that andyou're grieving and you are
healing or in the not knowing ofyourself.
Everything is still a transitionand a lesson in every connection
(08:22):
that we make and every loss thatwe have.
It is still a lesson to be hadthere.
cause every loss, I learnedsomething about self.
Of self.
Mm.
Yeah, you do.
(08:43):
There are definitely lessons.
You learn a lesson and loss, butyou definitely learn the lessons
and the loss of self and so I'mstill grieving the parts that I
thought I would, could andshould be.
(09:04):
The old things that needed todie off what I thought was
working, being a fixer.
'cause I got a habit of, damn, Iwanna fix something because
that's what I know how to do.
Or just being in survival modeis a new thing that I'm finding
that I'm having to lose.
(09:27):
Because the survival mode in mehas kept me for so long.
Like at this point it's 30 plusyears.
We career.
I'm a career survivor out here,and so having that mindset of
always feeling like you need tosurvive, but I'm really in a
place of thriving, of knowingmyself, loving myself, you know,
(09:52):
the roof over my head is mine.
Having to remind myself oftenthat I don't have to be in
survival mode.
That doesn't have to be the waythat I think or the way that I
move, but I've been in it for solong.
Losing that feels scary becausesurvival mode is my safe space
(10:14):
because I got me.
Didn't matter if you lost aperson, you, you didn't have a
home.
I always had me, but no one, Istill got me, but I'm having to
grieve those old versions ofmyself that just aren't fitting.
But I am honoring the oldPatrice, the younger Patrice,
(10:38):
the survival Patrice.
So that I can appreciate who Iam today.
They've taught me to be thisamazing woman, and some of y'all
may not think that I'm thatamazing, but I'm amazing as
shit.
Just so you know.
I do believe this to get towhere I am today.
(11:00):
Whoa.
And my hand at the Spades gameof cards.
Wasn't the most ideal, but whatI did with them possibilities I
had possible.
I was taking my fuckers out'cause I was going to survive.
(11:21):
I would have six.
And impossible.
And impossible.
Always got me through.
It would surprise me all thetime.
But when we talk about thosestages of grief, it doesn't
always come the same way.
Just how it's put out.
The stages can overlap.
Repeat, come back again.
(11:44):
Reverse to the side, but howthey showed up for me.
Right.
Stage one in grief is denial andjust not believing that it was
real, the loss of my mother, orthat the relationship was
ending, wanting to talk to mymom or wanting to stay in a
(12:05):
relationship.
I mean, convincing myself thatthe relationship could be fixed,
pretending that I could stay insurvival mode and it'll be okay
when you're thriving.
Try not hold onto those oldversions.
Can't do it.
Let's think about two anger.
(12:29):
Now, anger for me probablyshowed up in that penitentiary
Patty.
You know, we talked about thosepoor people I have on the inside
that I'm aware of my energy, butwas just mad.
Mad that things had to change.
Mad that it ended and just madat myself.
What in the world could I havedone differently?
I gave it my all.
(12:50):
It still ended.
I tried to help my mom as muchas I could with her medications
and everything, but she wasstill in pain, and I would have
these moments of anger.
I don't think some people alwaysknew, but I, it's kind of spicy.
Oh, part of it is that I'm aScorpio, but I am still spicy,
(13:14):
when I'm angry because I justdidn't know how to navigate this
space that I was in.
And a lot of the grief startedat a teenager where I'm still
figuring out life period where Icould have had guidance and
someone teaching me or.
Exposing me to things.
I was figuring it out on my ownbargaining with myself, but
(13:36):
number three of I was like, Ooh,I'm a negotiator.
It was the what if, what if Iwas there the day that she
passed?
What if I did, I picked up thephone.
Would she still be here?
What if I worked harder in thisrelationship or that job when
(14:00):
you're already putting in ortrying to put in 110% showing
up, being there.
Making excuses and lowering yourboundaries.
have any of you had that momentyou're bargaining your
boundaries?
Like, oh, it's not that bad.
Uh, I could.
(14:20):
Do this over here and I'm sureit's going to come back.
Just be out here gambling withyour life.
Parlaying like, Ooh, if I put upthis 20, I'm gonna get 2,500.
What we gonna do?
And things don't really makesense.
Yeah know I got some crazyanalogy for something and how it
works in my mind.
But we do be out herebargaining.
(14:41):
Bargaining our boundaries.
Depression.
Depression just looks differentin different people.
You have some that are sad, somelike me that you probably
wouldn't ever know wasdepressed.
I was the captain of thecheerleading squad in high
school.
(15:02):
I had the most school spirited.
I won that in my 12th grade yearfor having the most school
spirit, and every day I wastrying to figure out my life.
My book bag was full of clothes,but yet every day I showed up
with a smile on my face and noone would even know that.
In high school I always workedreally hard.
(15:24):
I got into Morgan State on myown, going to school for
computer science.
Mm, all while depressed.
Still trying to figure out lifeand what just happened because
four years went by with a blinkof an eye, and now I'm in a
whole new environment and awhole new space living out of a
bag.
What am I doing?
(15:45):
But some people look like theirdepression.
Looks like today I can't cleanthe house.
Some people have the tears.
Withdrawing moments ofquestioning my love and my
worth.
In love of just mourning the oldme who had to be released.
You have people now who are acertain age and it's mourning
(16:08):
who you were.
I see it all the time in a salonwhere my hair used to be so much
thicker.
I can see depression in women'seyes in the mirror when I turn
them around.
Doesn't matter how beautifultheir hair looks, they're
remembering the version of wherethey used to be.
And I get to see, I see griefevery day in the salon in
(16:32):
different ways.
From losing someone that theylove, the ending of
relationships and them realizingthat themselves are changing.
They are changing.
And then you get to the point ofacceptance, the grief looks
different.
Where I used to think about whatif woulda, coulda, shoulda.
(16:54):
With my mom, I'm just realizingthat, hey, it happened.
I got a chance to have anamazing experience with her, not
for a long time, but it stillwas amazing and I could see the
positives in the griefacceptance and realizing that
(17:14):
the damn relationship was notfor me, and that's okay.
Definitely honoring the old mewhile fully stepping into the
woman that I'm becoming becauseit's still more to come.
Y'all know it, but as we movegrief.
(17:35):
What about some things that justhelp us get through it, right?
Naming it.
What did you really lose?
Saying it out loud about whatyou've actually lost?
Is it self, the loss of love?
Of a loved one.
(17:56):
Name it.
Clean it.
Allow it to be.
Give yourself permission togrieve how you are going to
grieve.
Is it to cry, scream, laugh, orjust sit your ass in silence and
it's okay.
(18:16):
It is really okay because that'syour way.
Take your moments.
I didn't realize that I did nothave a moment or was given a
moment to grieve, to reallyallow it to be.
I was 14 years old and no oneever asked me if I was okay.
(18:44):
I wasn't asked if I was okay.
I wasn't asked if I need help.
I just continued along the wayand however it my grief showed
up, it showed up.
And at that time, being younger,I may not have realized all the
things that I had done that was,you know, that I was going
(19:07):
through with grieving.
But as I grew.
And experienced more grief andexperienced different things.
I gave myself permission to justbe if I needed to cry, to sit in
silence, and have my moment,take my moments when needed,
(19:27):
because I mean, it still hitsme.
My mother's birthday is January12th.
She died on January 20th.
They're very close together.
So I take those moments on thosedays when I miss my favorite
lady.
But while you're naming it andgiving yourself space to grieve,
ritualize it, write a letter.
(19:50):
I love writing letters,especially in your journal.
Sometimes you need to write'emto yourself.
Or write'em to the person thatyou miss.
Sharing your thoughts, gettingit outta your head.
I mean, light a candle, have aplaylist that helps you release.
But just having those moments ofsitting in it, accepting it, and
(20:14):
realizing that it is still aloss.
Thoughts out your head in thatmoment.
'cause more are coming later.
So get the first thoughts outthat are in your head at that
moment, and just try anchoringyourself, grounding, breathing
when you have to.
(20:36):
I felt like I was holding mybreath for years, just not
breathing.
'cause I was just so tense.
I found myself just holding mybreath like, what's going to
happen next?
I've done it in relationships.
Like, is this the end?
What's happening?
Especially when I becameuncomfortable.
(20:56):
Try breathing in for four.
Holding it for four, breathingout for six.
You feel anxious, you don't knowwhat to do.
Take your moments and breathe.
Place your hand on your heartand remind yourself that I see
you.
I see you grief, and I still sitwith you, but I ain't gonna
(21:22):
drown in this.
Because even with grief, we haveto still continue to go on.
But growth often means we reallyhave to let go and we definitely
have to.
Let go and mourn the women ormen that we used to be, that
(21:42):
innocent version of you, thehabits you once had, even those
mistakes you have made.
'cause we all make them thatsaying of nobody's perfect, I'm
not perfect.
Like, why the hell do we evenneed to say it?
This is my A DHD moment.
Why the hell do we even need tosay it?
(22:02):
'cause we already know thatwe're not Who the hell thinks
that they are?
I felt like that's a statementthat we don't even need to
fucking say in relationships orI ain't nobody perfect.
I ain't nobody fucking say that.
You were sound like a traumaresponse thing.
We gonna come on by.
I'm have to take a sip on that.
It's the truth.
Why do we have to.
(22:25):
Why do we need to say it?
I don't even need to be adisclaimer, but grief is
natural.
It's okay to feel sad when youare not feeling yourself or you
are changing, and we're not whowe once were.
It's okay to feel sad whenyou're letting go the old person
and you're trying to get to thenew you, the new you in the now,
(22:50):
because there's still some partsthat are still you, but it's the
new you in the now.
Every version of you thathappened before the now got you
here, and every version that gotyou here is worthy of love.
Believe that.
Every past.
(23:10):
Mistake, failure, weight gain,weight loss, eyelash loss.
Okay?
It got you to the person ofwhere you are today, and you are
amazing in the now.
I hope you know that.
I really want you guys to knowthat grief is not always about
death.
(23:31):
It's a part, but not always.
Quitting and letting go is notfailure.
Sometimes it's a graduation tothe next version.
Of life of you or the nextrelationship.
Remember that those damn fivestages of grief that we all
(23:52):
experience, how we experiencethem, it doesn't come in that
linear fashion.
You're not gonna go from denialin order.
It won't happen in order, but itcan come however it comes.
Going back in and out, back andforth with it is a normal
feeling.
(24:16):
You may have been mad, but yougo back to anger.
You got this.
I want you to remember that fearwill keep you stuck, but faith
moves us forward.
Please put that in your pocket.
Don't let fear keep you stuckand have faith in you that you
(24:38):
can move forward and that yougot this one of my new
affirmations in this season.
Is that I honor my grief withoutshame.
Another one is that I can holdendings and beginnings together,
(25:03):
but the one that has been mostimpactful for me.
Is that I allow myself to let goso I can grow because growth had
to happen.
We have to experience things togrow and everything is not gonna
come with sunshines andrainbows, but there's sunshine
(25:28):
and rainbows in the end, always.
Y'all know I appreciate you.
Thank you so much for sharingyour time and energy with me
today.
And I know grief is heavy ashell, but I don't have to carry
it alone.
You are not by yourself.
(25:49):
Just like your I quitaffirmations.
Share your stories.
Talk about it.
What are you grieving?
Send it to me.
I would love to hear how youhave persevered and came through
on the other side.
Sometimes we just have to holdspace for each other so that we
(26:12):
can grow and heal, and I lovethat because that's what I do in
the salon.
I do it at my friendships.
It's a part of life.
I leave that space for us togrow and heal, but also grieve.
But as always, y'all get yourtea, get your goose, get your
(26:37):
tequila.
If you are a he drinker, Iunderstand that this one is
heavy.
Get what you get, but make sureyou take care of yourself.
And until next time.
Sip that tequila spill the truthand do the damn work.
She is my babies.
Welcome to Tacos, tequila therapy and the Tea with
your girl.
Patrice Be the podcast will betake the shots, tell the truth,
and we are doing the damn work.
But today, you guys, before Ieven dive in, um, I just wanna
(01:03):
give a gentle content warningthat today's episode will be
touching on grief death.
Of relationships and loss of oldversions of ourselves.
So if you are in a tender space,please take care of yourself as
you listen, because the realityis, is that grief isn't always
(01:26):
about death.
It's also losing people that welove.
The end of relationships andparts of ourselves, we had to
let go.
I really get into this podcastreally, what is grief?
And I feel like grief has manyfaces.
(01:47):
I mean, the main thing that wethink about is death.
A side note that today's podcastis definitely coming with that
Greg Gru and Cranberry on thepink side.
Definitely not the red.
This is a heavy one for me, butlike we were saying before, it
doesn't always just appear indeath.
(02:08):
It shows up in quiet endings,breakups, walking away from a
jog or realizing shit that youjust, not the same person that
you once were.
Know that it is not failure.
It's a part of love and growth.
I've experienced all three fromthe loss of my mom, heartbreaks
(02:33):
of relationships ending andgrieving.
Oh, diversions of myself alongthe way.
Our main focus sometimes is justdeath, and there's always
something changing, somethingending and something beginning.
Losing my mom at 14 wasdefinitely just like a
(02:53):
heartbreaking moment, and itwas, ooh.
It was swift.
Even though she was sick, shehad cancer.
As we are approaching breastcancer awareness month, Her
second time around, she waspresented with six months to
live, even though she's lastlonger than six months.
(03:16):
I, she wa lasted way longer thansix months.
Probably found out maybe when Iwas like 12, 13, that her time
was coming.
So imagine that she was not evengone before my grief had started
because you already know thatthere's an ending coming and
there were probably waves of,you know, from the anger, the
(03:40):
sadness, woulda, coulda,shoulda.
All of those things happenedwhen I lost my mom, and I just
realized in this.
2025, early 2025 that I neverwas really given a chance to
grieve.
Life had to go on very quickly,like my mom had a birthday, she
(04:01):
died, and within a month I wasin a new country living with a
whole completely different life,living in Germany.
Waking up, like waking up.
Where the hell am I?
What am I doing?
What is going on in my life?
What time is it?
How come I just can't pick upthe phone and call people that I
(04:23):
once knew?
I'm not even seeing people thatI once knew a whole new
environment, everything.
And so grief looks so differentand we think those five stages,
just happened.
So.
Linear, right?
They change, but it was all overthe place.
(04:43):
And then leaving Germany andcoming back home, coming back to
the states and making some realgrownup decisions.
'cause I was 14.
To stay with friends other thanstaying with family.
So being.
Essentially homeless.
I was sleeping on floors andsofas, but amongst people that I
(05:05):
knew until I graduated highschool.
So everything that I once knewbefore the age of 14 was
completely different, and ithappened swiftly.
I still feel my mom's presencewith me.
I'm still so connected to her.
Like anyone who knows me knows Iain't stealing shit.
(05:28):
'cause my mother would probablycome down from heaven and snatch
my little but up or snatch myedges or something.
I really think she probablywould get my edges because that
probably would bother me themost.
Right.
and get me, because that womanis absolutely amazing.
But I still think she would getme.
But that was something that shejust really didn't like in
people, thieves and liars.
(05:50):
Right.
And so I've always just try tobe my authentic self, losing my
mom was a major crash to thesystem.
And then I realized that I havelost important people in my life
every decade of my life, whereyou have some people who have
never really experienced griefin terms of death, right?
(06:13):
And other ways.
So when death hits, it hits themhard.
They're like, what in the world?
Life happens, and some peopleexperience it very young.
It doesn't matter when youexperience it, it is still hard.
I'm gonna tell you, I love Ms.
Joyce Brown.
That is my lady.
(06:33):
It is my favorite lady, amazingwoman who persevered her and her
time was very resilient.
The way she would still show upeven when she was sick, man is
admir.
Very, very admirable, but alongwith just losing people in my
(06:56):
life in terms of death,grandmother, aunts, sisters,
great nephew, pretty heavy.
It's also the grief of loss ofrelationships.
Those ones that you thoughtwould last or you've been in for
a while, we are going to, youknow, make the home stretch or
whatever that home stretch wasgoing to be.
(07:16):
Right?
Was it going to be marriage orthat it would just last for a
while and then they don't andthey end.
You have people now who areolder and their friendships,
best friends of 20 plus years.
Things look different.
And then you, you know, youjust, sometimes you have those
relationships too, where youmight have stayed too long and
(07:39):
it should have ended, but whenthey end before you feel like it
should be, you're ready to endit.
It's kind of a jolt to thesystem when it's a surprise and
it feels like rejection.
When those relationships end, orlike say somebody cheated on you
or mistreated you, and they comeas a surprise.
(08:01):
and then you have some of thoserelationships that were so good
that it is like they didn't havethe in intent to hurt you, but
they did, or vice versa.
You may have done that andyou're grieving and you are
healing or in the not knowing ofyourself.
Everything is still a transitionand a lesson in every connection
(08:22):
that we make and every loss thatwe have.
It is still a lesson to be hadthere.
cause every loss, I learnedsomething about self.
Of self.
Mm.
Yeah, you do.
(08:43):
There are definitely lessons.
You learn a lesson and loss, butyou definitely learn the lessons
and the loss of self and so I'mstill grieving the parts that I
thought I would, could andshould be.
(09:04):
The old things that needed todie off what I thought was
working, being a fixer.
'cause I got a habit of, damn, Iwanna fix something because
that's what I know how to do.
Or just being in survival modeis a new thing that I'm finding
that I'm having to lose.
(09:27):
Because the survival mode in mehas kept me for so long.
Like at this point it's 30 plusyears.
We career.
I'm a career survivor out here,and so having that mindset of
always feeling like you need tosurvive, but I'm really in a
place of thriving, of knowingmyself, loving myself, you know,
(09:52):
the roof over my head is mine.
Having to remind myself oftenthat I don't have to be in
survival mode.
That doesn't have to be the waythat I think or the way that I
move, but I've been in it for solong.
Losing that feels scary becausesurvival mode is my safe space
(10:14):
because I got me.
Didn't matter if you lost aperson, you, you didn't have a
home.
I always had me, but no one, Istill got me, but I'm having to
grieve those old versions ofmyself that just aren't fitting.
But I am honoring the oldPatrice, the younger Patrice,
(10:38):
the survival Patrice.
So that I can appreciate who Iam today.
They've taught me to be thisamazing woman, and some of y'all
may not think that I'm thatamazing, but I'm amazing as
shit.
Just so you know.
I do believe this to get towhere I am today.
(11:00):
Whoa.
And my hand at the Spades gameof cards.
Wasn't the most ideal, but whatI did with them possibilities I
had possible.
I was taking my fuckers out'cause I was going to survive.
(11:21):
I would have six.
And impossible.
And impossible.
Always got me through.
It would surprise me all thetime.
But when we talk about thosestages of grief, it doesn't
always come the same way.
Just how it's put out.
The stages can overlap.
Repeat, come back again.
(11:44):
Reverse to the side, but howthey showed up for me.
Right.
Stage one in grief is denial andjust not believing that it was
real, the loss of my mother, orthat the relationship was
ending, wanting to talk to mymom or wanting to stay in a
(12:05):
relationship.
I mean, convincing myself thatthe relationship could be fixed,
pretending that I could stay insurvival mode and it'll be okay
when you're thriving.
Try not hold onto those oldversions.
Can't do it.
Let's think about two anger.
(12:29):
Now, anger for me probablyshowed up in that penitentiary
Patty.
You know, we talked about thosepoor people I have on the inside
that I'm aware of my energy, butwas just mad.
Mad that things had to change.
Mad that it ended and just madat myself.
What in the world could I havedone differently?
I gave it my all.
(12:50):
It still ended.
I tried to help my mom as muchas I could with her medications
and everything, but she wasstill in pain, and I would have
these moments of anger.
I don't think some people alwaysknew, but I, it's kind of spicy.
Oh, part of it is that I'm aScorpio, but I am still spicy,
(13:14):
when I'm angry because I justdidn't know how to navigate this
space that I was in.
And a lot of the grief startedat a teenager where I'm still
figuring out life period where Icould have had guidance and
someone teaching me or.
Exposing me to things.
I was figuring it out on my ownbargaining with myself, but
(13:36):
number three of I was like, Ooh,I'm a negotiator.
It was the what if, what if Iwas there the day that she
passed?
What if I did, I picked up thephone.
Would she still be here?
What if I worked harder in thisrelationship or that job when
(14:00):
you're already putting in ortrying to put in 110% showing
up, being there.
Making excuses and lowering yourboundaries.
have any of you had that momentyou're bargaining your
boundaries?
Like, oh, it's not that bad.
Uh, I could.
(14:20):
Do this over here and I'm sureit's going to come back.
Just be out here gambling withyour life.
Parlaying like, Ooh, if I put upthis 20, I'm gonna get 2,500.
What we gonna do?
And things don't really makesense.
Yeah know I got some crazyanalogy for something and how it
works in my mind.
But we do be out herebargaining.
(14:41):
Bargaining our boundaries.
Depression.
Depression just looks differentin different people.
You have some that are sad, somelike me that you probably
wouldn't ever know wasdepressed.
I was the captain of thecheerleading squad in high
school.
(15:02):
I had the most school spirited.
I won that in my 12th grade yearfor having the most school
spirit, and every day I wastrying to figure out my life.
My book bag was full of clothes,but yet every day I showed up
with a smile on my face and noone would even know that.
In high school I always workedreally hard.
(15:24):
I got into Morgan State on myown, going to school for
computer science.
Mm, all while depressed.
Still trying to figure out lifeand what just happened because
four years went by with a blinkof an eye, and now I'm in a
whole new environment and awhole new space living out of a
bag.
What am I doing?
(15:45):
But some people look like theirdepression.
Looks like today I can't cleanthe house.
Some people have the tears.
Withdrawing moments ofquestioning my love and my
worth.
In love of just mourning the oldme who had to be released.
You have people now who are acertain age and it's mourning
(16:08):
who you were.
I see it all the time in a salonwhere my hair used to be so much
thicker.
I can see depression in women'seyes in the mirror when I turn
them around.
Doesn't matter how beautifultheir hair looks, they're
remembering the version of wherethey used to be.
And I get to see, I see griefevery day in the salon in
(16:32):
different ways.
From losing someone that theylove, the ending of
relationships and them realizingthat themselves are changing.
They are changing.
And then you get to the point ofacceptance, the grief looks
different.
Where I used to think about whatif woulda, coulda, shoulda.
(16:54):
With my mom, I'm just realizingthat, hey, it happened.
I got a chance to have anamazing experience with her, not
for a long time, but it stillwas amazing and I could see the
positives in the griefacceptance and realizing that
(17:14):
the damn relationship was notfor me, and that's okay.
Definitely honoring the old mewhile fully stepping into the
woman that I'm becoming becauseit's still more to come.
Y'all know it, but as we movegrief.
(17:35):
What about some things that justhelp us get through it, right?
Naming it.
What did you really lose?
Saying it out loud about whatyou've actually lost?
Is it self, the loss of love?
Of a loved one.
(17:56):
Name it.
Clean it.
Allow it to be.
Give yourself permission togrieve how you are going to
grieve.
Is it to cry, scream, laugh, orjust sit your ass in silence and
it's okay.
(18:16):
It is really okay because that'syour way.
Take your moments.
I didn't realize that I did nothave a moment or was given a
moment to grieve, to reallyallow it to be.
I was 14 years old and no oneever asked me if I was okay.
(18:44):
I wasn't asked if I was okay.
I wasn't asked if I need help.
I just continued along the wayand however it my grief showed
up, it showed up.
And at that time, being younger,I may not have realized all the
things that I had done that was,you know, that I was going
(19:07):
through with grieving.
But as I grew.
And experienced more grief andexperienced different things.
I gave myself permission to justbe if I needed to cry, to sit in
silence, and have my moment,take my moments when needed,
(19:27):
because I mean, it still hitsme.
My mother's birthday is January12th.
She died on January 20th.
They're very close together.
So I take those moments on thosedays when I miss my favorite
lady.
But while you're naming it andgiving yourself space to grieve,
ritualize it, write a letter.
(19:50):
I love writing letters,especially in your journal.
Sometimes you need to write'emto yourself.
Or write'em to the person thatyou miss.
Sharing your thoughts, gettingit outta your head.
I mean, light a candle, have aplaylist that helps you release.
But just having those moments ofsitting in it, accepting it, and
(20:14):
realizing that it is still aloss.
Thoughts out your head in thatmoment.
'cause more are coming later.
So get the first thoughts outthat are in your head at that
moment, and just try anchoringyourself, grounding, breathing
when you have to.
(20:36):
I felt like I was holding mybreath for years, just not
breathing.
'cause I was just so tense.
I found myself just holding mybreath like, what's going to
happen next?
I've done it in relationships.
Like, is this the end?
What's happening?
Especially when I becameuncomfortable.
(20:56):
Try breathing in for four.
Holding it for four, breathingout for six.
You feel anxious, you don't knowwhat to do.
Take your moments and breathe.
Place your hand on your heartand remind yourself that I see
you.
I see you grief, and I still sitwith you, but I ain't gonna
(21:22):
drown in this.
Because even with grief, we haveto still continue to go on.
But growth often means we reallyhave to let go and we definitely
have to.
Let go and mourn the women ormen that we used to be, that
(21:42):
innocent version of you, thehabits you once had, even those
mistakes you have made.
'cause we all make them thatsaying of nobody's perfect, I'm
not perfect.
Like, why the hell do we evenneed to say it?
This is my A DHD moment.
Why the hell do we even need tosay it?
(22:02):
'cause we already know thatwe're not Who the hell thinks
that they are?
I felt like that's a statementthat we don't even need to
fucking say in relationships orI ain't nobody perfect.
I ain't nobody fucking say that.
You were sound like a traumaresponse thing.
We gonna come on by.
I'm have to take a sip on that.
It's the truth.
Why do we have to.
(22:25):
Why do we need to say it?
I don't even need to be adisclaimer, but grief is
natural.
It's okay to feel sad when youare not feeling yourself or you
are changing, and we're not whowe once were.
It's okay to feel sad whenyou're letting go the old person
and you're trying to get to thenew you, the new you in the now,
(22:50):
because there's still some partsthat are still you, but it's the
new you in the now.
Every version of you thathappened before the now got you
here, and every version that gotyou here is worthy of love.
Believe that.
Every past.
(23:10):
Mistake, failure, weight gain,weight loss, eyelash loss.
Okay?
It got you to the person ofwhere you are today, and you are
amazing in the now.
I hope you know that.
I really want you guys to knowthat grief is not always about
death.
(23:31):
It's a part, but not always.
Quitting and letting go is notfailure.
Sometimes it's a graduation tothe next version.
Of life of you or the nextrelationship.
Remember that those damn fivestages of grief that we all
(23:52):
experience, how we experiencethem, it doesn't come in that
linear fashion.
You're not gonna go from denialin order.
It won't happen in order, but itcan come however it comes.
Going back in and out, back andforth with it is a normal
feeling.
(24:16):
You may have been mad, but yougo back to anger.
You got this.
I want you to remember that fearwill keep you stuck, but faith
moves us forward.
Please put that in your pocket.
Don't let fear keep you stuckand have faith in you that you
(24:38):
can move forward and that yougot this one of my new
affirmations in this season.
Is that I honor my grief withoutshame.
Another one is that I can holdendings and beginnings together,
(25:03):
but the one that has been mostimpactful for me.
Is that I allow myself to let goso I can grow because growth had
to happen.
We have to experience things togrow and everything is not gonna
come with sunshines andrainbows, but there's sunshine
(25:28):
and rainbows in the end, always.
Y'all know I appreciate you.
Thank you so much for sharingyour time and energy with me
today.
And I know grief is heavy ashell, but I don't have to carry
it alone.
You are not by yourself.
(25:49):
Just like your I quitaffirmations.
Share your stories.
Talk about it.
What are you grieving?
Send it to me.
I would love to hear how youhave persevered and came through
on the other side.
Sometimes we just have to holdspace for each other so that we
(26:12):
can grow and heal, and I lovethat because that's what I do in
the salon.
I do it at my friendships.
It's a part of life.
I leave that space for us togrow and heal, but also grieve.
But as always, y'all get yourtea, get your goose, get your
(26:37):
tequila.
If you are a he drinker, Iunderstand that this one is
heavy.
Get what you get, but make sureyou take care of yourself.
And until next time.
Sip that tequila spill the truthand do the damn work.
She is my babies.
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