October 16, 2024 • 15 mins
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Today we'll delve into the complexities of the healing journey, emphasizing the importance of self-awareness and personal responsibility. By sharing personal anecdotes about parental relationships and the residual impacts of childhood pain, the discussion highlights the necessity of recognizing past traumas, adapting our responses, and forgiving in order to move forward. The speaker stresses the critical need to become more cognizant in our personal growth to prevent causing unintended harm to others. Join this poignant conversation as we explore how to navigate our healing paths without perpetuating victim mentalities and making others casualties of our unresolved issues.
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Music credit: LA Nightlife by Full Frontal Audio
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Patrice B (00:40):
Welcome back.
We at it again.
Mmm.
We at it again.
I'm going to tell y'allsomething.
For real, this healing journeyis crazy.
But I know I'm the only one outhere feeling this.
This, this little shift inpeople and awareness.
It's clear.
I'm not the only one.
(01:01):
I'm just sharing my perspectiveon things and how I be with and
life.
So I have to tell y'all that Iappreciate you for listening and
tuning in.
But today I want to share thisnew discovery about being a
victim.
And sometimes I believe we don'talways realize.
(01:26):
and I'm saying we, like weFrench, we together here, but
just discoveries of people andthe roles that they play and
things that happened to them,but going a step further is the,
the fact of the matter is, isthat We are all casualties in
(01:50):
someone else's story, right?
somebody's healing, somebody'sjourney.
Shit, you, you a casualty ofsomebody's lack of understanding
that they should have left theirass out to go to work earlier.
And since they were rushing tocause an accident, which makes
you late to work, right?
And so I always have this theorythat a plan never goes as
(02:12):
planned as long as other peopleare involved.
So note that the plan ain'tnever going to go as planned,
but I'm glad that you have one,right?
Because the fact of the matteris that you left out in your
timeframe, but there's otherfactors for you to get to your
job and your destination.
(02:33):
And in this journey of healing,there is a path we're having to
take.
And along this road, we may belike, Hmm, we're a little
delayed.
Sometimes we're able to go alittle faster, but when we are
delayed, because maybe we leftout a little too late, we didn't
had an accident.
Someone else is suffering fromour decision.
(02:55):
And that happens from a parentto a child, a husband to a wife,
a wife to a husband, boyfriend,girlfriend, sisters, brothers,
because we're all going on ajourney.
And you may have a plan for whatyou have in the end, but a plan
never goes as planned as long asother people are involved.
(03:16):
So when we, Think about, like,the victim and things that
happen to us, why they happen.
Unfortunately, we tend to becasualties in someone else's
journey.
We might have to be that lesson.
Or the one who, opens someone'seyes to a problem.
And unfortunately, that may havecome with hurt.
(03:38):
To you.
Sometimes it's not alwaysintentional.
Somebody's journey was theirjourney and they didn't intend
for it to affect you as well.
But I was having thisconversation with someone and we
talked about it was more of aparental situation.
(03:59):
Like, hey, well my parent didthis or that or didn't do it.
And at this point I was like,you know, I had to ask like,
what was the age on this?
Right?
Like, how old was that whenthat, when you really felt that
first, bout of pain?
And the answer, you know, shewas like seven.
Well, at this wonderful age ofyour thirties, how about 25
(04:23):
years later?
Yeah.
It may hurt at seven, but whenwe talk about 25 years later and
you're still holding on to it,do you still consider yourself a
victim or you now victimizingyourself was the question.
Because at that point we have tosay it is 25 years later at
seven, it hurt when I amcarrying it for that many years.
(04:48):
That same problem, is it them oris it me?
And she had to take a step backbecause it was like, I was like,
we're always at, we're all acasualty in someone else's
story.
So even in her journey ofhealing and awareness or even
her hurt, right?
There are people who have fellvictim to what happened, you
(05:11):
know, maybe the lack thereof atseven when it hit her at 20 or
25.
You know, the relationship shegot in because she still was
feeling hurt from the seven, theperson that she might not have
been able to connect with orcause, you know, emotional,
turmoil to the person she wasdating.
And as I mean, making that up,right.
But we're just saying that thatperson now is feeling the
(05:34):
residuals of her journey.
And while some sometimes wethink about who did something to
us, we also have to be awarethat somebody's a casualty in
your healing journey and that,yeah, somebody, the relationship
ain't work out.
You need to learn your lesson,but when you continue and you
(05:56):
haven't healed, there is someonethat is a casualty in your story
and your journey.
And I don't think we're alwaysaware of that because it's not
until we actually heal, yourealize maybe the hurt and pain
you may have caused someone elsebecause of your lack of
awareness, your choice not toheal, holding on to it, still
(06:18):
being a victim to something ofthe past.
And we, We want to rememberlike, Hey, so and so did this
mom and dad were absent and myfather wasn't around, but I
could sit here and be like, Oh,well, because he isn't around or
he wasn't around then I shoulddo X, Y, and Z.
(06:39):
Now, who does that affect?
Not him.
So why would I stay in thatspace?
And I remember dating somebodywho really felt like, Oh yeah,
well, you got daddy issues.
I don't have no damn daddyissues because he ain't a damn
issue.
The fact of the matter, he's notan issue.
(07:00):
He was an issue then, but as anadult now, he's not an issue.
I am fully aware of, Him notbeing able to be the best parent
he could have been at that time.
I'm very aware of that.
I might've been a lesson thathe, that make him aware of a
(07:21):
lesson of things that he neededto improve.
And unfortunately I was thecasualty in his story.
But the one thing is for certainis that I am always grateful
that.
I have come, I shouldn't saygrateful, but what I had come to
realize in my adulthood that Iam happy is that that man did
not take up space in my lifebecause he would not have guided
(07:43):
me to be the person I am today.
No, no, no.
So once I became aware of that,there's no one else as a
casualty in that story of, Hey,daddy wasn't there.
No, I'm clear.
I love me.
Right.
I put a lot of pressure on me tobe better, but it ain't no
longer a daddy issue over herebecause I'm fully aware I had
forgiven it.
(08:03):
I am sure that he did not havethe ability to do the job.
And I'm, and I'm happy he stayedout the way, because some people
will take up space and be in theway.
And I got somewhere to be ableto block that, able to block
that journey, right?
So it's no longer, nah, that wasthen, this is now.
(08:28):
But my question to them was,have you healed from your daddy
issues?
Cause you're still angry aboutthat.
I ain't mad.
I ain't mad at that way, man.
I'm just aware of that man.
I'm aware of what has been done,but I am also aware of my lack
of awareness in my healing orthings that I needed to adjust
for me that could have affectedsomeone else.
(08:48):
A lot of times it might'veaffected me, but still it
affected someone else.
Somebody, somebody else was acasualty in this healing
journey.
But once you become aware, youhave the ability to adjust.
And I was like, wow, wait aminute, how long are we going to
be the victim?
(09:09):
How long will we hold on to thepain?
And I, we, I probably said thisseveral times.
Like when somebody gets intothis relationship that doesn't
work out and because thatrelationship didn't work out
now, I can't have any furtherrelationships.
I'm going to take a long pauseon it.
I don't think I want it anymore.
Why?
That was then.
This is now.
Why stop living?
(09:30):
You got another day to try itagain, but I hope in your
healing journey, you don't causesomeone else to be a casualty of
your lack of awareness of thingsthat you need to get past or get
over.
I hope that you don't continueto create a victim mentality for
yourself that hinders you frombeing great.
(09:53):
Because that was then this isnow, how long do you carry it?
I'm going to tell you what,Erica hit you with the bag lady.
Like when you carry that, thatbaggage only got to this new
destination because you boughtit here.
You traveled with it.
(10:13):
You could have lost that damnluggage, but you didn't.
You carried it with you andcarrying it like a badge of
honor.
That mess gets heavy.
Cause we picking up new luggage.
And the stuff in that luggagedoesn't suit you for this
journey of where you going.
Now, the winter clothes does notwork for the summer season of
(10:34):
sunshine and sunny leadership.
We said, like, I want us to begreat.
I want us to be aware, butsometimes people can be very
aware of someone else'swrongdoings, but not aware of
what they have done to cause.
Other problems, cause there's acause and there's an effect, but
(10:55):
how do you let it affect you?
It's a choice for you.
Now I'm not saying that we canall just dismiss all our
problems.
They all just go away.
You just move on to the nextday.
No, be aware of it, address it,heal it, move on.
Cause we gotta keep moving forus.
(11:15):
But if we are talking about 25,30 years later, we still talking
about seven, we're talking about14, whatever your age is and
that distance and that time,that's now a you choice.
Cause every, everything doesn'talways come with an apology.
Um, but it can come withawareness of seeing the
situation for what it was.
(11:35):
Did I play a part in that?
What was their situation?
When you realize that somebodyis healing or needed to learn a
lesson or whatever that mightbe.
Child, like they had to learn.
They didn't know.
I don't let them off the hook,but hell they ain't know.
Cause a lot of times whenmistakes happen, we are today
years old.
(11:56):
The shit is happening now.
You're like, damn, I didn't evenknow that it's now happening.
Like I had this situation.
With my son and I realized thatlike I'm always like,'cause I'm
thinking 25 steps ahead, right?
I'm always like, I got fullplans for a plan.
Right?
(12:16):
And sometimes he can be, he's aplanner, but he doesn't always
plan like how I plan.
And I be like, boy, get ittogether.
But I'm trying to plan for him,he trying to plan for me and we
were just battling and in thedead.
The center of this argument, Iwas like, God damn it.
I said, I got to change this.
(12:37):
Cause here I am trying to aparents, my adult child, my
adult child that I have raised,who is absolutely amazing and
can make his own decisions, butshe don't have to have for
problem solving situations forhis problem.
Um, and I said that in themiddle and he thought like,
that's crazy.
What?
What?
Would you just go say that inthe middle?
(12:57):
Like, mom, you being petty?
No, I'm not being petty.
I'm like, like shit.
I'm today is old.
I ain't never had to parent anadult child.
And in this moment it hit melike, Patrice, stop.
Cause I'm today is old learningthis lesson.
And in that one moment, I got itimmediately.
Because I am in the space ofbeing aware of my shit.
(13:20):
No, son, I ain't about to be nohelicopter over you.
You got this.
And I have to trust that even inhis mistakes, he gets it.
It's okay.
I'm today years old and some ofyou are today years old becoming
aware of, hey, it's still 25years later and I am now
creating a victim mentality formyself because I'm holding on to
(13:43):
it.
I was a casualty in that story,but I do not want to make
someone else a casualty in myhealing.
I want to be aware.
I want to do things differently.
So today, I just hope that youguys are more aware that you
were a casualty and possibly isat the current moment, a
(14:07):
casualty in someone's story,someone's journey, someone's
healing, but I hope that you areaware enough in your journey to
not make someone else a casualtyin your way.
And y'all know as always, thankyou.
And y'all know that Scorpioseason is coming around.
So be aware.
I'm going to be on my shit.
(14:28):
It's coming.
And as always, thank you.
Thank you.
And thank you.
Until next time.
Welcome back.
We at it again.
Mmm.
We at it again.
I'm going to tell y'allsomething.
For real, this healing journeyis crazy.
But I know I'm the only one outhere feeling this.
This, this little shift inpeople and awareness.
It's clear.
I'm not the only one.
(01:01):
I'm just sharing my perspectiveon things and how I be with and
life.
So I have to tell y'all that Iappreciate you for listening and
tuning in.
But today I want to share thisnew discovery about being a
victim.
And sometimes I believe we don'talways realize.
(01:26):
and I'm saying we, like weFrench, we together here, but
just discoveries of people andthe roles that they play and
things that happened to them,but going a step further is the,
the fact of the matter is, isthat We are all casualties in
(01:50):
someone else's story, right?
somebody's healing, somebody'sjourney.
Shit, you, you a casualty ofsomebody's lack of understanding
that they should have left theirass out to go to work earlier.
And since they were rushing tocause an accident, which makes
you late to work, right?
And so I always have this theorythat a plan never goes as
(02:12):
planned as long as other peopleare involved.
So note that the plan ain'tnever going to go as planned,
but I'm glad that you have one,right?
Because the fact of the matteris that you left out in your
timeframe, but there's otherfactors for you to get to your
job and your destination.
(02:33):
And in this journey of healing,there is a path we're having to
take.
And along this road, we may belike, Hmm, we're a little
delayed.
Sometimes we're able to go alittle faster, but when we are
delayed, because maybe we leftout a little too late, we didn't
had an accident.
Someone else is suffering fromour decision.
(02:55):
And that happens from a parentto a child, a husband to a wife,
a wife to a husband, boyfriend,girlfriend, sisters, brothers,
because we're all going on ajourney.
And you may have a plan for whatyou have in the end, but a plan
never goes as planned as long asother people are involved.
(03:16):
So when we, Think about, like,the victim and things that
happen to us, why they happen.
Unfortunately, we tend to becasualties in someone else's
journey.
We might have to be that lesson.
Or the one who, opens someone'seyes to a problem.
And unfortunately, that may havecome with hurt.
(03:38):
To you.
Sometimes it's not alwaysintentional.
Somebody's journey was theirjourney and they didn't intend
for it to affect you as well.
But I was having thisconversation with someone and we
talked about it was more of aparental situation.
(03:59):
Like, hey, well my parent didthis or that or didn't do it.
And at this point I was like,you know, I had to ask like,
what was the age on this?
Right?
Like, how old was that whenthat, when you really felt that
first, bout of pain?
And the answer, you know, shewas like seven.
Well, at this wonderful age ofyour thirties, how about 25
(04:23):
years later?
Yeah.
It may hurt at seven, but whenwe talk about 25 years later and
you're still holding on to it,do you still consider yourself a
victim or you now victimizingyourself was the question.
Because at that point we have tosay it is 25 years later at
seven, it hurt when I amcarrying it for that many years.
(04:48):
That same problem, is it them oris it me?
And she had to take a step backbecause it was like, I was like,
we're always at, we're all acasualty in someone else's
story.
So even in her journey ofhealing and awareness or even
her hurt, right?
There are people who have fellvictim to what happened, you
(05:11):
know, maybe the lack thereof atseven when it hit her at 20 or
25.
You know, the relationship shegot in because she still was
feeling hurt from the seven, theperson that she might not have
been able to connect with orcause, you know, emotional,
turmoil to the person she wasdating.
And as I mean, making that up,right.
But we're just saying that thatperson now is feeling the
(05:34):
residuals of her journey.
And while some sometimes wethink about who did something to
us, we also have to be awarethat somebody's a casualty in
your healing journey and that,yeah, somebody, the relationship
ain't work out.
You need to learn your lesson,but when you continue and you
(05:56):
haven't healed, there is someonethat is a casualty in your story
and your journey.
And I don't think we're alwaysaware of that because it's not
until we actually heal, yourealize maybe the hurt and pain
you may have caused someone elsebecause of your lack of
awareness, your choice not toheal, holding on to it, still
(06:18):
being a victim to something ofthe past.
And we, We want to rememberlike, Hey, so and so did this
mom and dad were absent and myfather wasn't around, but I
could sit here and be like, Oh,well, because he isn't around or
he wasn't around then I shoulddo X, Y, and Z.
(06:39):
Now, who does that affect?
Not him.
So why would I stay in thatspace?
And I remember dating somebodywho really felt like, Oh yeah,
well, you got daddy issues.
I don't have no damn daddyissues because he ain't a damn
issue.
The fact of the matter, he's notan issue.
(07:00):
He was an issue then, but as anadult now, he's not an issue.
I am fully aware of, Him notbeing able to be the best parent
he could have been at that time.
I'm very aware of that.
I might've been a lesson thathe, that make him aware of a
(07:21):
lesson of things that he neededto improve.
And unfortunately I was thecasualty in his story.
But the one thing is for certainis that I am always grateful
that.
I have come, I shouldn't saygrateful, but what I had come to
realize in my adulthood that Iam happy is that that man did
not take up space in my lifebecause he would not have guided
(07:43):
me to be the person I am today.
No, no, no.
So once I became aware of that,there's no one else as a
casualty in that story of, Hey,daddy wasn't there.
No, I'm clear.
I love me.
Right.
I put a lot of pressure on me tobe better, but it ain't no
longer a daddy issue over herebecause I'm fully aware I had
forgiven it.
(08:03):
I am sure that he did not havethe ability to do the job.
And I'm, and I'm happy he stayedout the way, because some people
will take up space and be in theway.
And I got somewhere to be ableto block that, able to block
that journey, right?
So it's no longer, nah, that wasthen, this is now.
(08:28):
But my question to them was,have you healed from your daddy
issues?
Cause you're still angry aboutthat.
I ain't mad.
I ain't mad at that way, man.
I'm just aware of that man.
I'm aware of what has been done,but I am also aware of my lack
of awareness in my healing orthings that I needed to adjust
for me that could have affectedsomeone else.
(08:48):
A lot of times it might'veaffected me, but still it
affected someone else.
Somebody, somebody else was acasualty in this healing
journey.
But once you become aware, youhave the ability to adjust.
And I was like, wow, wait aminute, how long are we going to
be the victim?
(09:09):
How long will we hold on to thepain?
And I, we, I probably said thisseveral times.
Like when somebody gets intothis relationship that doesn't
work out and because thatrelationship didn't work out
now, I can't have any furtherrelationships.
I'm going to take a long pauseon it.
I don't think I want it anymore.
Why?
That was then.
This is now.
Why stop living?
(09:30):
You got another day to try itagain, but I hope in your
healing journey, you don't causesomeone else to be a casualty of
your lack of awareness of thingsthat you need to get past or get
over.
I hope that you don't continueto create a victim mentality for
yourself that hinders you frombeing great.
(09:53):
Because that was then this isnow, how long do you carry it?
I'm going to tell you what,Erica hit you with the bag lady.
Like when you carry that, thatbaggage only got to this new
destination because you boughtit here.
You traveled with it.
(10:13):
You could have lost that damnluggage, but you didn't.
You carried it with you andcarrying it like a badge of
honor.
That mess gets heavy.
Cause we picking up new luggage.
And the stuff in that luggagedoesn't suit you for this
journey of where you going.
Now, the winter clothes does notwork for the summer season of
(10:34):
sunshine and sunny leadership.
We said, like, I want us to begreat.
I want us to be aware, butsometimes people can be very
aware of someone else'swrongdoings, but not aware of
what they have done to cause.
Other problems, cause there's acause and there's an effect, but
(10:55):
how do you let it affect you?
It's a choice for you.
Now I'm not saying that we canall just dismiss all our
problems.
They all just go away.
You just move on to the nextday.
No, be aware of it, address it,heal it, move on.
Cause we gotta keep moving forus.
(11:15):
But if we are talking about 25,30 years later, we still talking
about seven, we're talking about14, whatever your age is and
that distance and that time,that's now a you choice.
Cause every, everything doesn'talways come with an apology.
Um, but it can come withawareness of seeing the
situation for what it was.
(11:35):
Did I play a part in that?
What was their situation?
When you realize that somebodyis healing or needed to learn a
lesson or whatever that mightbe.
Child, like they had to learn.
They didn't know.
I don't let them off the hook,but hell they ain't know.
Cause a lot of times whenmistakes happen, we are today
years old.
(11:56):
The shit is happening now.
You're like, damn, I didn't evenknow that it's now happening.
Like I had this situation.
With my son and I realized thatlike I'm always like,'cause I'm
thinking 25 steps ahead, right?
I'm always like, I got fullplans for a plan.
Right?
(12:16):
And sometimes he can be, he's aplanner, but he doesn't always
plan like how I plan.
And I be like, boy, get ittogether.
But I'm trying to plan for him,he trying to plan for me and we
were just battling and in thedead.
The center of this argument, Iwas like, God damn it.
I said, I got to change this.
(12:37):
Cause here I am trying to aparents, my adult child, my
adult child that I have raised,who is absolutely amazing and
can make his own decisions, butshe don't have to have for
problem solving situations forhis problem.
Um, and I said that in themiddle and he thought like,
that's crazy.
What?
What?
Would you just go say that inthe middle?
(12:57):
Like, mom, you being petty?
No, I'm not being petty.
I'm like, like shit.
I'm today is old.
I ain't never had to parent anadult child.
And in this moment it hit melike, Patrice, stop.
Cause I'm today is old learningthis lesson.
And in that one moment, I got itimmediately.
Because I am in the space ofbeing aware of my shit.
(13:20):
No, son, I ain't about to be nohelicopter over you.
You got this.
And I have to trust that even inhis mistakes, he gets it.
It's okay.
I'm today years old and some ofyou are today years old becoming
aware of, hey, it's still 25years later and I am now
creating a victim mentality formyself because I'm holding on to
(13:43):
it.
I was a casualty in that story,but I do not want to make
someone else a casualty in myhealing.
I want to be aware.
I want to do things differently.
So today, I just hope that youguys are more aware that you
were a casualty and possibly isat the current moment, a
(14:07):
casualty in someone's story,someone's journey, someone's
healing, but I hope that you areaware enough in your journey to
not make someone else a casualtyin your way.
And y'all know as always, thankyou.
And y'all know that Scorpioseason is coming around.
So be aware.
I'm going to be on my shit.
(14:28):
It's coming.
And as always, thank you.
Thank you.
And thank you.
Until next time.
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