May 15, 2024 • 46 mins
Cris Logan is a self-taught visual artist with a thriving business, a beautiful family, and a drive for life and faith. Hear her stories about the less visible layers of her life, revealing her battle with addiction beneath the surface of her flourishing career as a mother, wife, and entrepreneur. These are her stories, a candid recollection of the struggle and the pivotal moments that led to her recovery and her commitment to deep abiding joy.
Tell Her This is a podcast of honest, heartfelt, and real stories from women and for women who live real lives and are as messy and complex as they are beautiful.
No advice. No self-help. Just perspective and stories.
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This episode includes music by Maya Rogers.
To learn more about today's storyteller, Cris Logan, please visit crislogan.com or find her on social media @crisclapplogan
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This episode includes music by Maya Rogers. Click here to hear more from Maya and support her new project, Orion and The Remembering Tree!
Thanks for listening! Please subscribe, leave a rating, and follow Tell Her This on all platforms @tellherthispodcast
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Rochelle (00:00):
Hello, I'm Rachelle Rice and welcome to the Tell Her
this podcast, a storytellingpodcast for women.
No self-help, no advice, juststories.
Soon we'll be coming to the endof season two, and what a ride
it has been.
So many new listeners thisseason, listeners who supported
(00:23):
with your money, donating at theshow's site, at buymeacoffeecom
forward slash tell her this.
Listeners who've supported withyour time listening for a total
of 11,363 hours.
I see you and I thank you.
In just a few weeks we'll takea long summer break to gear up
(00:47):
for a new season in the fall.
While I prepare for a newseason, I need to hire someone.
I need a producer, a thoughtpartner, someone with an ear for
storytelling, someone who canhelp me expand Tell Her this.
Experience with brandpartnerships or audio editing
skills is a big plus.
(01:08):
If this sounds like you orsomeone you know, please send an
email to tellherthispodcast atgmailcom.
This week's episode featuresvisual artist Chris Logan.
I'm so proud to bring you thestories of this extraordinary
woman.
All right, let's get started.
Cris (01:35):
This is the Tell Her this podcast.
Why won't you unfold I'm.
Rochelle (01:50):
Chris Logan.
Chris Logan is a self-taughtartist, a businesswoman, a
mother, a wife.
Her pieces are vibrant andexpressive.
We first met while our childrenwere in school together, then
again while she was volunteeringat our church.
And as her artwork began toshow up on my social media feeds
(02:12):
, it became more clear to methat Chris is a woman who lives
fully and leads with service andwarmth.
(02:39):
When I think about my life andwho I am now at this stage.
I am an artist, I am a mom, I'ma wife, I'm a friend.
I'm someone who loves a goodtime and loves to create.
That's beautiful and poised andon meeting her, one might think
that hers is a life ofeffortless simplicity and
perfection.
But where she is now is ablessing, a gift, and was hard
(03:01):
earned in a battle withaddiction and in faith.
Like many creatives, sheprocesses through her art and
creativity and, in her case, afight for joy.
These are her stories.
Cris (03:11):
I find that I have a really hard time actually doing
like my commissioned work or myclient work.
If there's something in frontof me that is painful or hard
and so I actually have to, it'slike a need, like I have to
check that box internally whereI'm dealing with this issue
that's in front of me, where I'mwrestling with what my friends
(03:32):
are going through artisticallybefore I can move on to, you
know, working for some of myclients and drawing the building
or creating the work for theirsocial media.
So that's something that I justI have to do.
I'm restless until I do thatand I can't actually create
other beautiful things unlessI've gone through that process
artistically.
I have been praying for joy.
(03:57):
I've been praying for like abaptism of joy.
It was something that we heardat our church community and
that's something I've beenreally clinging to during just
this time where the world feelslike it's spinning and people
are hurting, and so I feel likeI'm actually fighting for joy a
lot of times and doing that kindof in two ways.
One is to sink into the joyfulmoments of each day in the
(04:22):
mundane.
So, seeking joy in the mundane,and that's actually stopping
and waiting in the moment tohear my kids laughing, like to
hear them, just that full bodiedlaughter, that brings me a ton
of joy.
Or dancing, listening to musicMusic brings me so much joy.
I mean, even this morning wewere going through a little bit
(04:43):
of morning stress and justpumped up the jams, you know,
got in a different place andfelt like my whole spirit felt
lifted, and so I'm really tryingto just seize into those very
simple moments that activate joyin my life.
We took this trip to Paris lastyear as a family and just
seeing the expressions on mykids' faces as they soaked in
(05:06):
this culture, as they heard thesounds of the streets of Paris,
as we went up on top of theEiffel Tower, it was like my
heart was exploding and it alsojust filled me with so much
creative inspiration.
When I'm seeing new things,when I'm having experiences with
people, then I want to create.
I want to create art, and thoseare all things that really
(05:26):
ground me in joy.
I was born in Dallas, texas, inlike a suburban kind of vibe
environment, but when I was five, my dad's work brought us up to
St Louis and we moved into areally culturally interesting,
fun, diverse, historic part ofSt Louis.
(05:48):
We lived in a townhouse so Ididn't have a yard to play in.
The city park was like my yardand it was just a place filled
with creatives, with locals,people who had lived in the city
for their whole life,generations and generations, and
so it was a really funenvironment to grow up in from
that perspective, and I wasalways interested in art.
(06:10):
So my mom is the oldest of fivewomen and they are loud and
boisterous.
My grandmother was a force.
I spent all of my summertimewith her and she was just like a
very present figure, and shealso was a joy seeker and a
cultivator of hospitality, andso that was really modeled to me
(06:31):
.
We'd get together, we'd playdominoes, she would throw big
parties with fun drinks and funbites.
We'd watch college basketballtogether.
So being loud and connectingand having fun was really
modeled, particularly on thatside of the family and
particularly with my extendedfamily.
My dad worked really long hours.
(06:51):
I didn't see him during theweek, but on the weekends we
would go and sketch together inthe park, we would go to the art
museum or the zoo, and myparents did a really good job of
cultivating creativity when Iwas young, but they also fought
a lot.
There wasn't really a fakebackground.
When I was little a lot of ourlife was really focused on my
(07:12):
dad's job and financial success.
So kind of the first part of mygrowing up felt a lot like that
like work hard, play hard, havefun, a lot of fighting in the
house.
Just you know, they werewrestling with their stuff, as
we all do.
Rochelle (07:27):
Chris grew up in an environment that honed her
creativity and expressionenvironment that honed her
creativity and expression.
However, after a change in thefamily's finances and
circumstances, she decided thatwhen she grew up she would never
be in that situation again.
Cris (07:44):
Then my dad lost his job when I was in fifth grade and it
really felt like the floor fellout beneath us and we went from
having this kind of fun, free,successful in the eyes of the
world life to having to moveinto a tiny apartment, living
month to month at times andfeeling a lot of uncertainty
(08:04):
about the future.
And that was something that Ithink still continues to define
where I'm coming from, why I'vechosen the path that I chose,
particularly early in myprofessional path.
So I went from a kid who wasalways creating, thought maybe
I'd be an artist, to a kid wholiterally thought I will never
be in a position of financialinsecurity and that was kind of
(08:27):
always just this pressure andtheme in the back of my head
growing up.
So politics was not on my radarwhen I was in grade school,
definitely was thinking more ofgoing into work in a creative
field, and I think a lot of thatwas because I just felt like
life was like fun and easy andbreezy and I went to this cool
(08:48):
hip school where, like theteachers, ate granola and wore
Birkenstocks and art was likethe thing to do.
But when I really started tosee like oh, I have to provide,
like I have to come up with away to have, like you know,
paychecks coming in.
I had no model of a successfulfemale artist, so I didn't know
anybody or have someone to lookat to say I could be like her.
(09:10):
And so what seemed responsiblewas to pursue, like pre-law, and
to pursue academics like youknow, law, medicine, business,
that kind of stuff.
And so, even though in gradeschool and then in high school I
had amazing art teachers thatwere encouraging me to even
think about going to an artscollege, I was like heck no.
(09:31):
So I chose a school where I hada scholarship.
I did, you know, politicalscience business.
I just layered everything Ipossibly could onto my academic
resume that said like I'm goingto be successful in the eyes of
the world, financiallysuccessful and in a stable place
.
I didn't take art in college.
It just was like a no place.
(09:56):
I didn't take art in college.
It just was like a no.
But I had this like kind of itwas almost like an annoying
voice inside that kept beinglike but what, if, what, if,
what if you could be an artist?
And I just kept kind of pushingthat down when I was leaving
college and taking steps towards, headed towards law school.
That voice became louder and myparents had actually heard of
this program.
(10:17):
That was for recent collegegraduates, a fellowship program
where you had a job placementbut you also lived with a church
family, took seminary classesand also volunteered with the
church.
And there was something thatwas in me that just said you
need to do this.
And so I applied.
I got in.
I thought this buys me a littlebit of time.
(10:37):
It buys me a year that I canjust push off law school and
really sort through what I wantto do.
And that job placement that theyput me in was actually to work
on the Hill and I loved it.
It was such an amazing gift.
I got to dive right intocommunications and policy gift.
I got to dive right intocommunications and policy.
A lot of my friends were in acongressional mailroom or
(10:57):
answering phones and just 10hours a day doing very mundane
tasks, and I had an amazing bosswho really said what do you
want to do?
And let me run with that, andso that was really a gift for me
to be able to work in politicsduring that time, and I
definitely still think it'ssomething working in
communications, working inpublic policy.
I am passionate about Funnykind of story within that is
(11:19):
that when I was doing thatfellowship program for a year,
they actually give you thisabilities potential test.
It's just part of what they do.
It's like a Myers-Briggs onsteroids and personality.
It was just all of this stuffand once again I thought I
wonder if this test is going totell me I should be an artist.
And I was really excited to seethe results.
(11:41):
And when the results came back,the results said you are not an
artist, you should not be anartist, you should be in
communications, you should be aspecialist, you should be a
teacher in public policy.
So I thought, well, that likeseals the coffin, you know, like
art is not going to be a partof my life.
And it wasn't until much laterI'd had my kids, I was working
on anti-human trafficking that Ireally had this desire to start
(12:05):
creating art again.
Rochelle (12:06):
Her art and creativity were nourished and encouraged,
but she still chose to pursue acareer that felt more secure,
more safe.
Cris (12:16):
During the time when I was working on the Hill and then
later in the nonprofit world, Ialways still had that desire to
create it, just never in myheart.
I thought this will never be aprofessional gig Like this, will
not even be a side hustle atthat time.
But I did like creating art.
So, for example, when myhusband and I moved into our
house in Brookland in NortheastDC, we had all these blank walls
(12:40):
and I thought, well, I'llcreate stuff to go on those
walls.
When we needed art for ourkids' nurseries and rooms, I
thought, well, I can paint that,like I knew I could do it.
And a lot of it was like Ididn't want to spend the money
to go buy art and so I did it.
But it wasn't really anythingmore than that at the time.
Occasionally friends would say,hey, could you create something
for me?
(13:00):
I love what you did and I'd belike, sure, sure, but that was
the extent of my creative likehow I was spending my creative
energy when I was also working,like in politics.
When I look back over just theprocess of transitioning from
working in politics and workingin anti-human trafficking to
becoming a full-time artist, itreally was a process of just
(13:21):
walking through doors that Godopened for me.
I'm really grateful about that.
I mean, when I started, when Itook my break or what I thought
was going to be my break fromanti-human trafficking work and
started creating more for ourhome, and some friends my
friends encouraged me to put myillustrations on Instagram and
(13:42):
some of those illustrations werelike a frazzled mom and like
some really awesome six-inchstilettos that I wished that I
were wearing, with like two kidskind of trailing behind
exploring DC, and it was like myway to process trying to be a
mom.
Who am I?
Identity all of that.
And a PR company had comeacross my work on Instagram and
(14:03):
asked about work for theirclients and my first response
was no, I'm not a real artist.
Like I just kind of doodle anddraw and just do this thing on
the side sometimes.
But I just felt like I had tosay yes and I knew something in
me.
I was supposed to say yes andso my path has been
(14:24):
unfortunately or I don't know,fortunately or unfortunately,
but it hasn't necessarily beenstrategic.
I haven't like set these goalsor had like a vision for where
do I want to be in five years?
Like what is my art, where's myart career going?
I just step forward withoutfear into new experiences.
If someone asked me, hey, haveyou ever done like a live
illustration at a party?
I think no, but I think I couldtry.
(14:46):
And so I'd say you know, I'mhappy to help support your party
by drawing their live and then,gulp, step forward, do it.
See how I liked it.
And that's been a lot of my artcareer.
And one of my clients over thepast year has had a number of
murals that I've created where Icreate the art at home and
they're able to blow it up big.
And when they first approachedme I thought I don't know how to
(15:08):
do that, but I thought, withGod's help, I'm going to figure
this out.
And that's really been like adefining feature of my arts
career has just been saying yes,taking the risk of saying yes,
even, and knowing that I'm goingto have to ask questions,
knowing there's going to be somefailure along the way, and
because of that I feel like Ihave just this space where I
(15:29):
feel like I can.
I can you know, with God'sgrace and help like I can step
into that I can take.
I can you know, with God'sgrace and help, like I can step
into that, I can take on thisproject, I can try.
And so as my career grew, I justkept saying yes to new
opportunities, working with newclients, you know, had more
people's eyes on my art and thatwas just an incredible way to
have this organic growth of myart career.
(15:51):
But it really has only been inthe past few years.
I would say like I think it'sbeen about five years since I
like officially, you know likestarted my company and kind of
said all right, all right, Iguess I'm an artist, I mean like
I'm working, you know, allthese hours, every single day,
have some amazing people andbusinesses I'm able to work with
.
I guess it's real.
(16:11):
But that was really a gradualprocess for me.
Rochelle (16:15):
Over time, chris started taking on more and more
art commissions.
Slowly she blossomed from aplace of fear and denial to a
place of acceptance of her craftand her life's calling.
Cris (16:31):
I believe that we're made in the image of God and I see
God as the ultimate creator.
So I think all of us have thatcreative energy, and I also
think that's part of why artconnects with people.
You know, it articulatessomething, whether through music
, whether through the visualarts, something that goes deeper
in people's souls, I think,than just, like you know,
reading like a newspaper articleabout a subject.
(16:53):
And so I feel it's a realprivilege not to just be
creating, kind of you know, as Igo through life and like the
normal place, but also to beable to elevate creation, to
elevate what I see through theart that I create.
So it's a real privilege.
Rochelle (17:10):
I first came to Chris's art on social media.
Her posts feature her art, hercollaborations, her family and
feisty cat Zoe, but my favoriteones are her time-lapsed videos
that include the sky.
It's like the heavens bloombefore your eyes with color and
(17:32):
light.
It's glorious.
Cris (17:37):
It's actually like almost a discipline for me to not paint
a sunrise or sunset, because Ilove that image so much and I
think it also speaks so much tojust new day, like new birth,
like new chance, new, everything.
Like a sunrise for me is justso beautiful and I love being
able to paint it and I do thinkyou know, I think it's one of
(17:57):
the things I paint pretty well.
I can pull it off, but not atall to the extent that obviously
God does.
There's actually a painting Iwas doing that our church had
commissioned and I ended up justgoing and sitting looking at
the skyline from Arlington of DC, just asking God to help me
(18:17):
paint the sky, because I feltlike I kept falling short in
this one piece.
So I was literally likepleading, like God help me, and
he gave me this beautifulsunrise and really helped to
create the image in my head thatI was able then to put onto
canvas.
But I do.
I love a sunrise, I love asunset, I love a sunset, I love
clouds, I love just painting thebig sky in my little studio.
(18:38):
Sometimes it feels solife-giving to me, like just
thinking about kind of faith.
It says that God revealshimself through the created
things, and so, to the extentthat my art can provide some
revelation into something that'slike deeper or more resonant
with people, that is an extremeprivilege and that is when I
(18:59):
feel like the highest amount ofjoy in my work, when I've been
able to connect with people onthat deeper level.
A piece that is hanging in ourhouse that I love is a big
skyline illustration painting,mixed media art of the view over
DC, and I love it because whenI created it I just threw a ton
(19:19):
of color at the piece.
It is big and colorful and loud,but it also represents this
just like simple picture of DC,represents this just like simple
picture of DC, and it speaks tothe place that I most love and
most feel at home in a way thatI think is vivacious and fun.
That's a piece that I I reallylove.
(19:40):
But I think that other pieces Ifeel most like proud about
would be those pieces that arereactionary to what's going on
in the world.
I mean, there was know thishorrific shooting in Nashville a
few years ago and children died, and I just immediately picked
up my brush and painted theskyline of Nashville and then
(20:02):
was able to use all of therevenue from the sales of those
prints to support the victim'sfund and being able to respond
in that way and create somethingthat's beautiful out of pain.
It could be what's going on inthe Middle East.
You know Ukraine, all of that.
I oftentimes will paint thosethings and that those are the
pieces I feel the most proudabout.
Rochelle (20:26):
The episode isn't over yet, but I want to take a
minute to say the episode isn'tover yet, but I want to take a
minute to say Tell Her thisneeds your support.
This is a self-funded project,but for less than a cup of
coffee you can keep this laborof love going.
Click the link in the shownotes to buy me a coffee, or
head over to buymeacoffeecom.
Forward slash, tell her thisand donate what you can.
(20:48):
All right, let's get back tothe show.
Joy, art, a growing artisticvision, a beautiful, loving
family and thriving faith All ofthis was and is a part of
(21:13):
Chris's life.
But what was underneath, whatwas happening alongside this
picture of a successful, fullyadjusted woman?
The less glamorous storylinerunning simultaneously with what
everyone else saw, is thatChris had an addiction problem.
Cris (21:24):
So I was someone who didn't.
I, you know, I drank when I was16 one time and it was like a
disaster.
It was like blackout, you know,made a hot mess of life, and
because I was kind of in theprocess of my own faith journey,
I was like I'm not going backthere, that's not the way.
And I didn't drink again untilI was 21.
(21:45):
And for a lot of my collegeyears and then like the early
20s, I kind of wrestled withoccasionally blacking out
drinking, sometimes drinking toomuch, but there was never
something in me that said, oh, Ineed a drink, like I have to
have something.
It just kind of happened.
I didn't have an off switch soI would start drinking and there
(22:05):
was never a voice in my headthat said I think you've had
enough, you know, like maybe youshould stop after two or three
or four, and so sometimes Iwould just keep drinking.
It was literally like thatswitch was flipped.
And when I was working on theHill, that's a very work hard,
play hard environment and sodrinking a lot there's.
You know people, everyone doesit to some degree and there is a
(22:27):
season in life when people dodrink a lot, and I think I was
very high functioning, given howmuch I was drinking.
There was one time where wewent out and I have no idea how
much I drank, but one of now,one of my dearest friends had
said to me he was like I thinkyou, you might be an alcoholic
(22:48):
I'm not saying you are but I hadmade a mess of the night.
I'd made a mess and embarrassedmyself, and it was the first
time anyone had used that termaround me.
And it was also the first timeI thought can a woman be an
alcoholic?
I only knew old men who werealcoholics.
Even though I think when hesaid that I thought he might be
(23:11):
right, I also thought but I'mnot like looking to drink all
the time, I'm not trying to getdrunk, it just happens sometimes
.
And so for a long time I wasable to kind of walk that path
of sometimes not drinking,sometimes drinking responsibly,
and then sometimes drinking waytoo much.
I could look back over my early20s and see that most of the
(23:34):
time if I made a decision that Iregretted, it was tied to
drinking too much.
So that for sure was a problem,but it wasn't really until I
became a mom and a wife and waswrestling with identity crises
many crises that I started toseek alcohol more, think, ah,
(23:55):
I've got to have a drink.
You know, happy hour got pusheda little earlier, or every time
I went out I was going to get adrink and I was going to stay
on pace with whomever wasdrinking the most, like.
So I'd watch, like, okay,they've had three, I can have
three.
And then gradually it startedmeaning that I was having a
(24:16):
drink or two before I'd go outwith friends and they didn't
necessarily know I'd have a shotof something and then go out
just to quote, unquote, loosenme up.
And then it became somethingthat I really craved, like.
I think I developed an actualphysical addiction to alcohol.
Rochelle (24:33):
For Chris, her addiction to alcohol was
exacerbated in isolation, Firstin transition from college to
adult and family life, Then aswork began to shift from a day
job to full-timeentrepreneurship, and then in a
global pandemic.
Cris (24:53):
So my drinking became, I think, especially problematic.
Once I was an artist in the fixand throws of being a mom to
two little kids and wrestling alot with identity questions who
am I?
How do I be a good wife, how doI be a good friend?
A lot of my dear friends juststarted to like move away.
(25:15):
Life just felt different, likethis year that I'd had right
after college where I lived withother Christians in community,
was working and asking bigquestions, was such a joy-filled
time and it was intentional andcommunity-focused and I was
craving that like through everysingle year.
And as we got older I felt likethe sense of just constant
(25:39):
community, hanging out all thetime with friends, was vanishing
and I think, as that started tokind of fade away, I was
filling it with alcohol,honestly, and that really
started to hit about five yearsago I would say so, right before
COVID I started drinking at apace that I would say was really
(26:01):
reckless and irresponsible.
This was kind of in the midstof all the COVID stuff and
lockdown, so that was also thataccelerated everything for sure,
like the day drinking, I thinkbecause so many people during
COVID were like I'm going tohave wine with my lunch, or
let's put wine in our coolerwhile we go do socially
(26:23):
distanced play dates and stuffLike.
Wine culture had reallyskyrocketed at the beginning of
COVID and so really no onethought anything of drinking
earlier and earlier during theday, so essentially gave me some
false permission to be doingthe same.
I just was drinking way moreduring the day than most of my
(26:44):
friends.
Rochelle (26:45):
I think about how being an artist, more
specifically being anentrepreneur, can appear so
freeing and fun and in many waysit is, but the full reality is
that oftentimes it's lonely andthe workload is significant.
It makes sense how, under thesecircumstances, an addiction
(27:06):
could become more severe.
Cris (27:08):
I try not to get too like attitude-y.
When people say, what do you do?
And I say I'm an artist.
I'm like, oh, that must be sofun, your day must be so fun.
And oh man, I'm just like.
I work 70, 80 hours sometimes.
I do like being an entrepreneur,being a self-starter.
It is so absolutely life-givingsometimes, but it never stops.
(27:32):
And because I'm so passionateabout my work, because I do have
this like itch that needs to bescratched, which is to create.
If I'm not creating, like iflife being a mom or wife or
whatever is going on outside ofmy work, if that encroaches on
my creative space, like I kindof turn into a crazy lady.
And so, juggling all of that,starting my business, I think I
(27:56):
had a lot of insecurity.
I had just a lot of self-doubt.
And then too, because we werejust in this different phase of
life with where our kids were,where our friends were moving,
where we were living, you know,it became a time that didn't
feel as fun or as certain for me.
And so I definitely think thatdrinking kind of helped push
(28:16):
back the anxiety.
It helped you push back thosefeelings of doubt temporarily
and for a little while it waslike a Band-Aid that actually
sometimes felt like it worked.
And for a little while it waslike a Band-Aid that actually
sometimes felt like it worked.
When my drinking started to pickup more significantly, my
husband would say have you beendrinking?
(28:44):
And I was also really big ondrinking kombucha a lot, which
has a bit of a fermented smell,and I was drinking regular beer,
well, and wine, and sometimesvodka and a lot of kombucha.
And so a lot of times I wouldlie to him.
I'd say I'm just drinkingkombucha, just the kombucha
you're smelling.
Or I'd say you're smellingkombucha, because he was
probably also smelling kombucha.
That was like my white lie andso that was a big change.
(29:05):
Suddenly, you know, lyingentered our marriage.
I wasn't being honest with myhusband, like my partner, my
flesh of my flesh, and thatstarted to cause some breaks
between us.
Rochelle (29:18):
On one terrifying night, Chris came to a startling
revelation.
Cris (29:23):
At the point when I really realized I needed to talk to
people about my struggle.
I had had probably 12 or 13drinks that day, I don't even
really know because I neverreally counted.
I preferred not to count,honestly, because then it gets
kind of embarrassing even tomyself.
But that night I was lying inbed and just felt this
(29:49):
overwhelming sense of dread andlike my body was literally
failing me, like I thought I'mdying and I was drinking enough
that I was headed that way, likeI was headed towards death.
And I thought it was as ifdarkness was like choking me and
I felt in such a clear way Godsay, you need to tell your
(30:12):
husband that you're an alcoholic.
It was like that was the secondtime I'd ever heard that term.
My friend told me maybe you'rean alcoholic.
And then it was literally likea voice from God said you're an
alcoholic.
And I'm like, oh no.
And so I crawled over to hisside of the bed.
I was literally like on theground, thinking I was dying,
and I told my husband.
I said, babe, I've got to stopdrinking.
(30:34):
I think I'm an alcoholic and Ithink I might be dying.
I actually went to the ER thatnight because I literally
thought I was dying.
And then I knew part of thenext step was to be honest with
my friends, with my faithcommunity.
That's why I started reachingout.
That was a moment of clarity.
Unfortunately, my sobrietyjourney was not like 100%
(30:58):
crystal clear all the time to meafter that.
It was a bit of a rollercoaster, but I can look back on
that day and say that was whenit started.
Rochelle (31:08):
There have been several storytellers on the
podcast who have shared abouttheir journeys through addiction
.
What always strikes me aboutthese stories is that we expect
all addiction to look like anepisode of the American TV show
Intervention or one of thosedramatic Lifetime Network movies
where there is some majordevastating incident or loss
(31:31):
that startles the addict intorecovery and that's where we
miss the signs of addiction allaround us.
Oftentimes, even in addiction,people seem to be thriving
professionally, or perhaps theirfriends and family are just so
used to their personality whenthey're under the influence.
Addiction shows up in all sortsof ways, even in our own lives,
(31:55):
and we miss the signs.
Cris (31:57):
When I realized that I needed to stop drinking, the
next day I called and reachedout to a number of my closest
friends and they thought I wasjoking, like I just had been
such a quote unquote highfunctioning alcoholic.
I always was going to bring agood time.
That was a little part of itthat I had been able to trick.
(32:19):
Like even my closest friends,my family, my husband had said
on a few occasions I think youshould drink less.
But he never said I think youshould stop drinking.
And other than that oneconversation with my dear friend
, no one had ever said hey, youknow, you might be an alcoholic,
you might be addicted toalcohol.
No one has said anything.
(32:40):
So I know that a number ofpeople in my life felt
blindsided and like they didn'tget it because they didn't see
those dark moments when, insteadof going to God with my fears
and my insecurity, I was pickingup a bottle.
They didn't know that I hadalcohol like hidden in the walls
of our house in case I neededto grab something out of
(33:00):
desperation.
I was able to present myself ina way that didn't actually
reflect some of that internalstruggle, present myself in a
way that didn't actually reflectsome of that internal struggle.
I was like absolutely headedtowards death.
And when I look at that seasonnow, I just I mean because of my
(33:23):
beliefs, like because of what Ibelieve I really feel like the
enemy was trying to take me outand take me down and take my joy
and take my creative energy andwas using alcohol to do that,
and I was believing this lie.
And you know, when you askedabout how it was impacting you
know my relationship with myhusband.
From that day forward, myhusband had to contend with this
knowledge that I had almostanother lover in my life, which
(33:46):
was alcohol, and so choosing todrink was choosing not to be
honest with him.
Choosing to drink was choosingto be with that instead of being
with him, and then ultimately,of course, it was choosing not
to spend time with God.
So it was a pretty rough, roughtime.
My college roommate, who wepartied together, always had a
(34:12):
great time together.
She was actually in a recoveryprogram, and so she was someone
that I reached out to, and sothrough her, there was a bit of
a season where I did AA, which Ilearned wasn't really like my
recovery program.
It's an amazing program for somany, but all of that was like
online, like there was no, therewere no in-person meetings when
(34:32):
I was starting on that journey.
So it was, yeah, it was allsocially distanced, it was
everything was video and thatwas kind of part of my recovery
(34:57):
time.
Yeah, in the thick of COVID, Iasked Chris about her recovery
journey.
I asked Chris about herrecovery journey.
Like myself, again, I felt likeI saw a vision for joy.
I had been afraid, honestly, to.
I thought I don't even know howto talk to anybody without
drinking anymore, like it hadgotten so deep into me and I
(35:18):
believed those lies just in thedepth of my soul.
And in that month I felt likeafter I talked to my husband,
talked to my friends, god showedup, you know, and I stepped
forward in faith.
But there's a point, at leastfor my sobriety journey, where I
started thinking but was Iactually an alcoholic or was I
just in a hard season?
(35:39):
Because now I feel better andthere were times when drinking
was just fun and I didn't drinktoo much and I couldn't stop, so
maybe I should try, and so thatvoice kept coming back.
Once I would get a month or sixmonths of sobriety under my belt
, then I would think I think Ican drink again, like I think
it's fine.
And then I would drink and Iwould immediately want more and
(36:03):
I could see where the path wasgoing, like, thank God, it's
only by His grace that I didn'tdo something entirely reckless,
that I didn't get behind thewheel of a car during that
season and run into someone orhurt my kids or fall down the
stairs.
Any of that could have andprobably should have happened
(36:23):
during that time.
But I also felt clear everytime I did drink you're not
supposed to be drinking Like foryou, this is not for you.
It is fine for some people, butit is not for you.
I had to wrestle with resentmentLike why me God?
Like I loved to drink and Ilove to drink a little bit, I
(36:46):
like to drink a little too much.
It all went downhill after thatbut I thought why can my
friends drink and I can't?
This kind of almost likewhining kind of thing, and I
wasn't living in gratitude.
I think what's been so helpfulnow is feeling grateful where
God has brought me, knowing it'sa part of my story.
So many people as I've juststarted to share a little bit
(37:10):
about this have come forward intheir own struggles with
sobriety women particularly andit's been so life-giving to be
able to share.
But I think that back and forth,like you know, people say, and
like AA and other programs, howmany days have you gone?
Like, how long have you gone?
And there were a lot of seasonsof that where I wasn't counting
because I didn't want to haveto be accountable to any number.
(37:31):
I would say I just don't wantto be legalistic about it.
But once I started reallycounting and once I really made
like that deeper decision, likeOK, god, I'm actually going to
listen and started putting daystogether, I know I'm not going
back.
So you know, at the time of thisrecording I have like a year
and four months of continuoussobriety and that's only by
(37:55):
God's grace.
But it's also just believing thetruth that this is what God has
called me to and also knowinglike I can still have fun, I can
still have a good time and Idon't need that in my life, and
also the belief that God givesme a joy, like God gives me
those moments that are waydeeper and more lasting than
(38:15):
anything I could get from havinga few shots of tequila and
dancing on a table.
You know I drew a line in thesand a year and four months ago
that said I'm not going backBecause I know if I go back it
leads to death.
That said, I'm not going backBecause I know if I go back it
leads to death, and because ofmy kids and how important they
are, because of my husband howamazing he is, and because of
(38:35):
also what God is calling me todo with my hands, like I'm not
going to let the enemy take meout because of that.
You know, I got other battlestoo and I still fight that every
day.
It's an intentional choice, butI'm not going back.
Rochelle (38:52):
The way Chris lives her life, the way she chooses to
show up for herself and for herfamily, is so beautiful.
It gives me hope and yetanother example of a woman who
has decided to follow her faithand what is important to her.
For Chris, participating in herown healing and working through
(39:13):
her recovery has saved her lifeand, as a result, deep, abiding
joy is her mantra and her focus.
Cris (39:23):
It can be so hard sometimes to choose joy.
It's like you want to let thoselittle things just get in you
and you want to react and beprideful or self-focused.
And so choosing to be others,focused, choosing to be
teachable, choosing to put asidesometimes just these minor
grievances maybe I'm sufferingunder to see the bigger picture,
(39:47):
I think for me is an activestep towards joy.
I also think that some of justthe kind of ups and downs of
life have made me appreciatelife more and really run after
joy.
I mean 14 years of marriage,two different people, going
through a lot of job change, alot of emotional changes, a lot
(40:08):
of stuff.
You know, you end up in thethick of some stuff and all of a
sudden you're becoming what yousaid you never wanted to become
.
That's been a real struggle forme, and so I've had to really
grab joy by both hands to saylike this is mine for the taking
.
You know, I feel like God hasgiven us, like a peace and a joy
that surpasses allunderstanding.
(40:30):
And so as I've gone, walkedwith friends who've gone through
divorces, as I walked throughlife situations where people are
suffering from cancer, whereI've seen just the suffering of
the world.
I feel like trying to seek joy.
It's a discipline in some ways,Because I know the alternative
is essentially death, you know,and who wants to live in that
(40:51):
place of death?
And I am someone who I'vestruggled with mental health, I
struggled with alcoholism andaddiction issues, and so I was
very close to losing sight ofwhat life was for and that there
was meaning and calling andpurpose.
And so every day I'm like whatis it, Lord?
Like what is it, Lord, that youwant me to see, and how can I
(41:14):
live into this joy?
Like a joy that is more thaneven the moments, like a joy
that is direct from heaven.
Rochelle (41:25):
I asked Chris how she defines success.
I asked Chris how she definessuccess.
Cris (41:28):
Success feels really elusive sometimes for me.
I think that I have I'm aperfectionist something I battle
, and I think too, because myart career has been more about
just going through the opendoors.
It hasn't been very strategic.
(41:50):
Currently I'm really thinkingthrough where do I want to be?
Because I've had all of theseopportunities that have come up,
that have fallen, felt likethey have fallen into my lap.
I'm so grateful for those.
But what has been the most fun,what has been the most
life-giving?
When I look back over theselast five years, what do I want
to do more of?
(42:10):
And I think that success willbe defined by doing more of
those things.
I think if I look on paper, Ican say, yes, I'm a successful
artist, like for sure.
When I look at you know, someof the people I've been able to
connect with, I feel like thatis a success.
Able to connect with, I feellike that is a success.
But I think that point ofconnection being able to
(42:37):
continue to help lift people'seyes out of just the heaviness,
being able to provide joy andbeauty and pain, being able to
just be a conduit for that likeconnecting heaven and earth and
helping kind of decrease thespace between those two entities
through art.
I think the more that I can dothat then, the more I'll feel
successful.
(42:57):
Even just over the past twoyears, even though I've always
shared a little bit about myfaith in my art, I have felt
more of a calling to do more ofthat, and I'm still wrestling
with what that looks like.
What do you want me to say, god?
What do you want me to paint?
I'm holding this current placethat I'm at, where I have some
(43:20):
really great corporate clients.
I have a lot of great liveillustration work.
I have some friends very fewfriends that I still do like
one-off pieces of work for, butI'm holding all that loosely
right now before God and justsaying what do you want me to do
with that?
Because you know success.
I think success is like anythingthat is on this side of heaven.
(43:41):
If we're, if we're basing it onthe things that are created,
we're always going to want more.
It's like you talk to peopleand they say once I make a
hundred thousand dollars, once Imake a million dollars, I'll
feel set, and then, once theyget there, they want more.
And so I think I have thatbattle, whether it's how many
people I want to follow me onInstagram, like how I want to
(44:02):
develop my other social mediaplatforms, what clients I want
to work with.
There is no like.
I've made it, you know.
And what do I do with that?
How do I take this one day thatGod has in front of me and feel
like I've lived it successfully?
Well, I think it's a success ifI've connected with people, if
I've listened to God, done whathe's called me to do and I've
(44:22):
made something beautiful out ofit.
Rochelle (44:25):
Deep gratitude to Chris for her time and her
stories.
The Tell Her this podcast wascreated by Rochelle Rice with
support from DC Commission onthe Arts and Humanities.
To support this podcast, pleaseclick the link in the show
notes or visit buymeacoffeecom.
Forward slash.
Tell her this For more.
(44:47):
Tell Her this content.
Please visittellherthispodcastcom and follow
on social media at Tell Herthis Podcast.
Please share this episode witha friend and leave a rating or
review.
This episode includes music byMaya Rogers.
To see Chris's art and to learnmore about her work, Rogers.
(45:11):
To see Chris's art and to learnmore about her work, please
visit chrislogancom or find heron social media at Chris Clap
Logan.
Links to her site are in theshow notes.
Editing and sound design byRochelle Rice, Mixing and
editing by Ray Jala.
And I am your host, RochelleRice, and you can find me at
Rachelle Rice Music across allsocial platforms.
(45:32):
Until next time, be true and bewell.
Thank you.
Hello, I'm Rachelle Rice and welcome to the Tell Her
this podcast, a storytellingpodcast for women.
No self-help, no advice, juststories.
Soon we'll be coming to the endof season two, and what a ride
it has been.
So many new listeners thisseason, listeners who supported
(00:23):
with your money, donating at theshow's site, at buymeacoffeecom
forward slash tell her this.
Listeners who've supported withyour time listening for a total
of 11,363 hours.
I see you and I thank you.
In just a few weeks we'll takea long summer break to gear up
(00:47):
for a new season in the fall.
While I prepare for a newseason, I need to hire someone.
I need a producer, a thoughtpartner, someone with an ear for
storytelling, someone who canhelp me expand Tell Her this.
Experience with brandpartnerships or audio editing
skills is a big plus.
(01:08):
If this sounds like you orsomeone you know, please send an
email to tellherthispodcast atgmailcom.
This week's episode featuresvisual artist Chris Logan.
I'm so proud to bring you thestories of this extraordinary
woman.
All right, let's get started.
Cris (01:35):
This is the Tell Her this podcast.
Why won't you unfold I'm.
Rochelle (01:50):
Chris Logan.
Chris Logan is a self-taughtartist, a businesswoman, a
mother, a wife.
Her pieces are vibrant andexpressive.
We first met while our childrenwere in school together, then
again while she was volunteeringat our church.
And as her artwork began toshow up on my social media feeds
(02:12):
, it became more clear to methat Chris is a woman who lives
fully and leads with service andwarmth.
(02:39):
When I think about my life andwho I am now at this stage.
I am an artist, I am a mom, I'ma wife, I'm a friend.
I'm someone who loves a goodtime and loves to create.
That's beautiful and poised andon meeting her, one might think
that hers is a life ofeffortless simplicity and
perfection.
But where she is now is ablessing, a gift, and was hard
(03:01):
earned in a battle withaddiction and in faith.
Like many creatives, sheprocesses through her art and
creativity and, in her case, afight for joy.
These are her stories.
Cris (03:11):
I find that I have a really hard time actually doing
like my commissioned work or myclient work.
If there's something in frontof me that is painful or hard
and so I actually have to, it'slike a need, like I have to
check that box internally whereI'm dealing with this issue
that's in front of me, where I'mwrestling with what my friends
(03:32):
are going through artisticallybefore I can move on to, you
know, working for some of myclients and drawing the building
or creating the work for theirsocial media.
So that's something that I justI have to do.
I'm restless until I do thatand I can't actually create
other beautiful things unlessI've gone through that process
artistically.
I have been praying for joy.
(03:57):
I've been praying for like abaptism of joy.
It was something that we heardat our church community and
that's something I've beenreally clinging to during just
this time where the world feelslike it's spinning and people
are hurting, and so I feel likeI'm actually fighting for joy a
lot of times and doing that kindof in two ways.
One is to sink into the joyfulmoments of each day in the
(04:22):
mundane.
So, seeking joy in the mundane,and that's actually stopping
and waiting in the moment tohear my kids laughing, like to
hear them, just that full bodiedlaughter, that brings me a ton
of joy.
Or dancing, listening to musicMusic brings me so much joy.
I mean, even this morning wewere going through a little bit
(04:43):
of morning stress and justpumped up the jams, you know,
got in a different place andfelt like my whole spirit felt
lifted, and so I'm really tryingto just seize into those very
simple moments that activate joyin my life.
We took this trip to Paris lastyear as a family and just
seeing the expressions on mykids' faces as they soaked in
(05:06):
this culture, as they heard thesounds of the streets of Paris,
as we went up on top of theEiffel Tower, it was like my
heart was exploding and it alsojust filled me with so much
creative inspiration.
When I'm seeing new things,when I'm having experiences with
people, then I want to create.
I want to create art, and thoseare all things that really
(05:26):
ground me in joy.
I was born in Dallas, texas, inlike a suburban kind of vibe
environment, but when I was five, my dad's work brought us up to
St Louis and we moved into areally culturally interesting,
fun, diverse, historic part ofSt Louis.
(05:48):
We lived in a townhouse so Ididn't have a yard to play in.
The city park was like my yardand it was just a place filled
with creatives, with locals,people who had lived in the city
for their whole life,generations and generations, and
so it was a really funenvironment to grow up in from
that perspective, and I wasalways interested in art.
(06:10):
So my mom is the oldest of fivewomen and they are loud and
boisterous.
My grandmother was a force.
I spent all of my summertimewith her and she was just like a
very present figure, and shealso was a joy seeker and a
cultivator of hospitality, andso that was really modeled to me
(06:31):
.
We'd get together, we'd playdominoes, she would throw big
parties with fun drinks and funbites.
We'd watch college basketballtogether.
So being loud and connectingand having fun was really
modeled, particularly on thatside of the family and
particularly with my extendedfamily.
My dad worked really long hours.
(06:51):
I didn't see him during theweek, but on the weekends we
would go and sketch together inthe park, we would go to the art
museum or the zoo, and myparents did a really good job of
cultivating creativity when Iwas young, but they also fought
a lot.
There wasn't really a fakebackground.
When I was little a lot of ourlife was really focused on my
(07:12):
dad's job and financial success.
So kind of the first part of mygrowing up felt a lot like that
like work hard, play hard, havefun, a lot of fighting in the
house.
Just you know, they werewrestling with their stuff, as
we all do.
Rochelle (07:27):
Chris grew up in an environment that honed her
creativity and expressionenvironment that honed her
creativity and expression.
However, after a change in thefamily's finances and
circumstances, she decided thatwhen she grew up she would never
be in that situation again.
Cris (07:44):
Then my dad lost his job when I was in fifth grade and it
really felt like the floor fellout beneath us and we went from
having this kind of fun, free,successful in the eyes of the
world life to having to moveinto a tiny apartment, living
month to month at times andfeeling a lot of uncertainty
(08:04):
about the future.
And that was something that Ithink still continues to define
where I'm coming from, why I'vechosen the path that I chose,
particularly early in myprofessional path.
So I went from a kid who wasalways creating, thought maybe
I'd be an artist, to a kid wholiterally thought I will never
be in a position of financialinsecurity and that was kind of
(08:27):
always just this pressure andtheme in the back of my head
growing up.
So politics was not on my radarwhen I was in grade school,
definitely was thinking more ofgoing into work in a creative
field, and I think a lot of thatwas because I just felt like
life was like fun and easy andbreezy and I went to this cool
(08:48):
hip school where, like theteachers, ate granola and wore
Birkenstocks and art was likethe thing to do.
But when I really started tosee like oh, I have to provide,
like I have to come up with away to have, like you know,
paychecks coming in.
I had no model of a successfulfemale artist, so I didn't know
anybody or have someone to lookat to say I could be like her.
(09:10):
And so what seemed responsiblewas to pursue, like pre-law, and
to pursue academics like youknow, law, medicine, business,
that kind of stuff.
And so, even though in gradeschool and then in high school I
had amazing art teachers thatwere encouraging me to even
think about going to an artscollege, I was like heck no.
(09:31):
So I chose a school where I hada scholarship.
I did, you know, politicalscience business.
I just layered everything Ipossibly could onto my academic
resume that said like I'm goingto be successful in the eyes of
the world, financiallysuccessful and in a stable place
.
I didn't take art in college.
It just was like a no place.
(09:56):
I didn't take art in college.
It just was like a no.
But I had this like kind of itwas almost like an annoying
voice inside that kept beinglike but what, if, what, if,
what if you could be an artist?
And I just kept kind of pushingthat down when I was leaving
college and taking steps towards, headed towards law school.
That voice became louder and myparents had actually heard of
this program.
(10:17):
That was for recent collegegraduates, a fellowship program
where you had a job placementbut you also lived with a church
family, took seminary classesand also volunteered with the
church.
And there was something thatwas in me that just said you
need to do this.
And so I applied.
I got in.
I thought this buys me a littlebit of time.
(10:37):
It buys me a year that I canjust push off law school and
really sort through what I wantto do.
And that job placement that theyput me in was actually to work
on the Hill and I loved it.
It was such an amazing gift.
I got to dive right intocommunications and policy gift.
I got to dive right intocommunications and policy.
A lot of my friends were in acongressional mailroom or
(10:57):
answering phones and just 10hours a day doing very mundane
tasks, and I had an amazing bosswho really said what do you
want to do?
And let me run with that, andso that was really a gift for me
to be able to work in politicsduring that time, and I
definitely still think it'ssomething working in
communications, working inpublic policy.
I am passionate about Funnykind of story within that is
(11:19):
that when I was doing thatfellowship program for a year,
they actually give you thisabilities potential test.
It's just part of what they do.
It's like a Myers-Briggs onsteroids and personality.
It was just all of this stuffand once again I thought I
wonder if this test is going totell me I should be an artist.
And I was really excited to seethe results.
(11:41):
And when the results came back,the results said you are not an
artist, you should not be anartist, you should be in
communications, you should be aspecialist, you should be a
teacher in public policy.
So I thought, well, that likeseals the coffin, you know, like
art is not going to be a partof my life.
And it wasn't until much laterI'd had my kids, I was working
on anti-human trafficking that Ireally had this desire to start
(12:05):
creating art again.
Rochelle (12:06):
Her art and creativity were nourished and encouraged,
but she still chose to pursue acareer that felt more secure,
more safe.
Cris (12:16):
During the time when I was working on the Hill and then
later in the nonprofit world, Ialways still had that desire to
create it, just never in myheart.
I thought this will never be aprofessional gig Like this, will
not even be a side hustle atthat time.
But I did like creating art.
So, for example, when myhusband and I moved into our
house in Brookland in NortheastDC, we had all these blank walls
(12:40):
and I thought, well, I'llcreate stuff to go on those
walls.
When we needed art for ourkids' nurseries and rooms, I
thought, well, I can paint that,like I knew I could do it.
And a lot of it was like Ididn't want to spend the money
to go buy art and so I did it.
But it wasn't really anythingmore than that at the time.
Occasionally friends would say,hey, could you create something
for me?
(13:00):
I love what you did and I'd belike, sure, sure, but that was
the extent of my creative likehow I was spending my creative
energy when I was also working,like in politics.
When I look back over just theprocess of transitioning from
working in politics and workingin anti-human trafficking to
becoming a full-time artist, itreally was a process of just
(13:21):
walking through doors that Godopened for me.
I'm really grateful about that.
I mean, when I started, when Itook my break or what I thought
was going to be my break fromanti-human trafficking work and
started creating more for ourhome, and some friends my
friends encouraged me to put myillustrations on Instagram and
(13:42):
some of those illustrations werelike a frazzled mom and like
some really awesome six-inchstilettos that I wished that I
were wearing, with like two kidskind of trailing behind
exploring DC, and it was like myway to process trying to be a
mom.
Who am I?
Identity all of that.
And a PR company had comeacross my work on Instagram and
(14:03):
asked about work for theirclients and my first response
was no, I'm not a real artist.
Like I just kind of doodle anddraw and just do this thing on
the side sometimes.
But I just felt like I had tosay yes and I knew something in
me.
I was supposed to say yes andso my path has been
(14:24):
unfortunately or I don't know,fortunately or unfortunately,
but it hasn't necessarily beenstrategic.
I haven't like set these goalsor had like a vision for where
do I want to be in five years?
Like what is my art, where's myart career going?
I just step forward withoutfear into new experiences.
If someone asked me, hey, haveyou ever done like a live
illustration at a party?
I think no, but I think I couldtry.
(14:46):
And so I'd say you know, I'mhappy to help support your party
by drawing their live and then,gulp, step forward, do it.
See how I liked it.
And that's been a lot of my artcareer.
And one of my clients over thepast year has had a number of
murals that I've created where Icreate the art at home and
they're able to blow it up big.
And when they first approachedme I thought I don't know how to
(15:08):
do that, but I thought, withGod's help, I'm going to figure
this out.
And that's really been like adefining feature of my arts
career has just been saying yes,taking the risk of saying yes,
even, and knowing that I'm goingto have to ask questions,
knowing there's going to be somefailure along the way, and
because of that I feel like Ihave just this space where I
(15:29):
feel like I can.
I can you know, with God'sgrace and help like I can step
into that I can take.
I can you know, with God'sgrace and help, like I can step
into that, I can take on thisproject, I can try.
And so as my career grew, I justkept saying yes to new
opportunities, working with newclients, you know, had more
people's eyes on my art and thatwas just an incredible way to
have this organic growth of myart career.
(15:51):
But it really has only been inthe past few years.
I would say like I think it'sbeen about five years since I
like officially, you know likestarted my company and kind of
said all right, all right, Iguess I'm an artist, I mean like
I'm working, you know, allthese hours, every single day,
have some amazing people andbusinesses I'm able to work with
.
I guess it's real.
(16:11):
But that was really a gradualprocess for me.
Rochelle (16:15):
Over time, chris started taking on more and more
art commissions.
Slowly she blossomed from aplace of fear and denial to a
place of acceptance of her craftand her life's calling.
Cris (16:31):
I believe that we're made in the image of God and I see
God as the ultimate creator.
So I think all of us have thatcreative energy, and I also
think that's part of why artconnects with people.
You know, it articulatessomething, whether through music
, whether through the visualarts, something that goes deeper
in people's souls, I think,than just, like you know,
reading like a newspaper articleabout a subject.
(16:53):
And so I feel it's a realprivilege not to just be
creating, kind of you know, as Igo through life and like the
normal place, but also to beable to elevate creation, to
elevate what I see through theart that I create.
So it's a real privilege.
Rochelle (17:10):
I first came to Chris's art on social media.
Her posts feature her art, hercollaborations, her family and
feisty cat Zoe, but my favoriteones are her time-lapsed videos
that include the sky.
It's like the heavens bloombefore your eyes with color and
(17:32):
light.
It's glorious.
Cris (17:37):
It's actually like almost a discipline for me to not paint
a sunrise or sunset, because Ilove that image so much and I
think it also speaks so much tojust new day, like new birth,
like new chance, new, everything.
Like a sunrise for me is justso beautiful and I love being
able to paint it and I do thinkyou know, I think it's one of
(17:57):
the things I paint pretty well.
I can pull it off, but not atall to the extent that obviously
God does.
There's actually a painting Iwas doing that our church had
commissioned and I ended up justgoing and sitting looking at
the skyline from Arlington of DC, just asking God to help me
(18:17):
paint the sky, because I feltlike I kept falling short in
this one piece.
So I was literally likepleading, like God help me, and
he gave me this beautifulsunrise and really helped to
create the image in my head thatI was able then to put onto
canvas.
But I do.
I love a sunrise, I love asunset, I love a sunset, I love
clouds, I love just painting thebig sky in my little studio.
(18:38):
Sometimes it feels solife-giving to me, like just
thinking about kind of faith.
It says that God revealshimself through the created
things, and so, to the extentthat my art can provide some
revelation into something that'slike deeper or more resonant
with people, that is an extremeprivilege and that is when I
(18:59):
feel like the highest amount ofjoy in my work, when I've been
able to connect with people onthat deeper level.
A piece that is hanging in ourhouse that I love is a big
skyline illustration painting,mixed media art of the view over
DC, and I love it because whenI created it I just threw a ton
(19:19):
of color at the piece.
It is big and colorful and loud,but it also represents this
just like simple picture of DC,represents this just like simple
picture of DC, and it speaks tothe place that I most love and
most feel at home in a way thatI think is vivacious and fun.
That's a piece that I I reallylove.
(19:40):
But I think that other pieces Ifeel most like proud about
would be those pieces that arereactionary to what's going on
in the world.
I mean, there was know thishorrific shooting in Nashville a
few years ago and children died, and I just immediately picked
up my brush and painted theskyline of Nashville and then
(20:02):
was able to use all of therevenue from the sales of those
prints to support the victim'sfund and being able to respond
in that way and create somethingthat's beautiful out of pain.
It could be what's going on inthe Middle East.
You know Ukraine, all of that.
I oftentimes will paint thosethings and that those are the
pieces I feel the most proudabout.
Rochelle (20:26):
The episode isn't over yet, but I want to take a
minute to say the episode isn'tover yet, but I want to take a
minute to say Tell Her thisneeds your support.
This is a self-funded project,but for less than a cup of
coffee you can keep this laborof love going.
Click the link in the shownotes to buy me a coffee, or
head over to buymeacoffeecom.
Forward slash, tell her thisand donate what you can.
(20:48):
All right, let's get back tothe show.
Joy, art, a growing artisticvision, a beautiful, loving
family and thriving faith All ofthis was and is a part of
(21:13):
Chris's life.
But what was underneath, whatwas happening alongside this
picture of a successful, fullyadjusted woman?
The less glamorous storylinerunning simultaneously with what
everyone else saw, is thatChris had an addiction problem.
Cris (21:24):
So I was someone who didn't.
I, you know, I drank when I was16 one time and it was like a
disaster.
It was like blackout, you know,made a hot mess of life, and
because I was kind of in theprocess of my own faith journey,
I was like I'm not going backthere, that's not the way.
And I didn't drink again untilI was 21.
(21:45):
And for a lot of my collegeyears and then like the early
20s, I kind of wrestled withoccasionally blacking out
drinking, sometimes drinking toomuch, but there was never
something in me that said, oh, Ineed a drink, like I have to
have something.
It just kind of happened.
I didn't have an off switch soI would start drinking and there
(22:05):
was never a voice in my headthat said I think you've had
enough, you know, like maybe youshould stop after two or three
or four, and so sometimes Iwould just keep drinking.
It was literally like thatswitch was flipped.
And when I was working on theHill, that's a very work hard,
play hard environment and sodrinking a lot there's.
You know people, everyone doesit to some degree and there is a
(22:27):
season in life when people dodrink a lot, and I think I was
very high functioning, given howmuch I was drinking.
There was one time where wewent out and I have no idea how
much I drank, but one of now,one of my dearest friends had
said to me he was like I thinkyou, you might be an alcoholic
(22:48):
I'm not saying you are but I hadmade a mess of the night.
I'd made a mess and embarrassedmyself, and it was the first
time anyone had used that termaround me.
And it was also the first timeI thought can a woman be an
alcoholic?
I only knew old men who werealcoholics.
Even though I think when hesaid that I thought he might be
(23:11):
right, I also thought but I'mnot like looking to drink all
the time, I'm not trying to getdrunk, it just happens sometimes
.
And so for a long time I wasable to kind of walk that path
of sometimes not drinking,sometimes drinking responsibly,
and then sometimes drinking waytoo much.
I could look back over my early20s and see that most of the
(23:34):
time if I made a decision that Iregretted, it was tied to
drinking too much.
So that for sure was a problem,but it wasn't really until I
became a mom and a wife and waswrestling with identity crises
many crises that I started toseek alcohol more, think, ah,
(23:55):
I've got to have a drink.
You know, happy hour got pusheda little earlier, or every time
I went out I was going to get adrink and I was going to stay
on pace with whomever wasdrinking the most, like.
So I'd watch, like, okay,they've had three, I can have
three.
And then gradually it startedmeaning that I was having a
(24:16):
drink or two before I'd go outwith friends and they didn't
necessarily know I'd have a shotof something and then go out
just to quote, unquote, loosenme up.
And then it became somethingthat I really craved, like.
I think I developed an actualphysical addiction to alcohol.
Rochelle (24:33):
For Chris, her addiction to alcohol was
exacerbated in isolation, Firstin transition from college to
adult and family life, Then aswork began to shift from a day
job to full-timeentrepreneurship, and then in a
global pandemic.
Cris (24:53):
So my drinking became, I think, especially problematic.
Once I was an artist in the fixand throws of being a mom to
two little kids and wrestling alot with identity questions who
am I?
How do I be a good wife, how doI be a good friend?
A lot of my dear friends juststarted to like move away.
(25:15):
Life just felt different, likethis year that I'd had right
after college where I lived withother Christians in community,
was working and asking bigquestions, was such a joy-filled
time and it was intentional andcommunity-focused and I was
craving that like through everysingle year.
And as we got older I felt likethe sense of just constant
(25:39):
community, hanging out all thetime with friends, was vanishing
and I think, as that started tokind of fade away, I was
filling it with alcohol,honestly, and that really
started to hit about five yearsago I would say so, right before
COVID I started drinking at apace that I would say was really
(26:01):
reckless and irresponsible.
This was kind of in the midstof all the COVID stuff and
lockdown, so that was also thataccelerated everything for sure,
like the day drinking, I thinkbecause so many people during
COVID were like I'm going tohave wine with my lunch, or
let's put wine in our coolerwhile we go do socially
(26:23):
distanced play dates and stuffLike.
Wine culture had reallyskyrocketed at the beginning of
COVID and so really no onethought anything of drinking
earlier and earlier during theday, so essentially gave me some
false permission to be doingthe same.
I just was drinking way moreduring the day than most of my
(26:44):
friends.
Rochelle (26:45):
I think about how being an artist, more
specifically being anentrepreneur, can appear so
freeing and fun and in many waysit is, but the full reality is
that oftentimes it's lonely andthe workload is significant.
It makes sense how, under thesecircumstances, an addiction
(27:06):
could become more severe.
Cris (27:08):
I try not to get too like attitude-y.
When people say, what do you do?
And I say I'm an artist.
I'm like, oh, that must be sofun, your day must be so fun.
And oh man, I'm just like.
I work 70, 80 hours sometimes.
I do like being an entrepreneur,being a self-starter.
It is so absolutely life-givingsometimes, but it never stops.
(27:32):
And because I'm so passionateabout my work, because I do have
this like itch that needs to bescratched, which is to create.
If I'm not creating, like iflife being a mom or wife or
whatever is going on outside ofmy work, if that encroaches on
my creative space, like I kindof turn into a crazy lady.
And so, juggling all of that,starting my business, I think I
(27:56):
had a lot of insecurity.
I had just a lot of self-doubt.
And then too, because we werejust in this different phase of
life with where our kids were,where our friends were moving,
where we were living, you know,it became a time that didn't
feel as fun or as certain for me.
And so I definitely think thatdrinking kind of helped push
(28:16):
back the anxiety.
It helped you push back thosefeelings of doubt temporarily
and for a little while it waslike a Band-Aid that actually
sometimes felt like it worked.
And for a little while it waslike a Band-Aid that actually
sometimes felt like it worked.
When my drinking started to pickup more significantly, my
husband would say have you beendrinking?
(28:44):
And I was also really big ondrinking kombucha a lot, which
has a bit of a fermented smell,and I was drinking regular beer,
well, and wine, and sometimesvodka and a lot of kombucha.
And so a lot of times I wouldlie to him.
I'd say I'm just drinkingkombucha, just the kombucha
you're smelling.
Or I'd say you're smellingkombucha, because he was
probably also smelling kombucha.
That was like my white lie andso that was a big change.
(29:05):
Suddenly, you know, lyingentered our marriage.
I wasn't being honest with myhusband, like my partner, my
flesh of my flesh, and thatstarted to cause some breaks
between us.
Rochelle (29:18):
On one terrifying night, Chris came to a startling
revelation.
Cris (29:23):
At the point when I really realized I needed to talk to
people about my struggle.
I had had probably 12 or 13drinks that day, I don't even
really know because I neverreally counted.
I preferred not to count,honestly, because then it gets
kind of embarrassing even tomyself.
But that night I was lying inbed and just felt this
(29:49):
overwhelming sense of dread andlike my body was literally
failing me, like I thought I'mdying and I was drinking enough
that I was headed that way, likeI was headed towards death.
And I thought it was as ifdarkness was like choking me and
I felt in such a clear way Godsay, you need to tell your
(30:12):
husband that you're an alcoholic.
It was like that was the secondtime I'd ever heard that term.
My friend told me maybe you'rean alcoholic.
And then it was literally likea voice from God said you're an
alcoholic.
And I'm like, oh no.
And so I crawled over to hisside of the bed.
I was literally like on theground, thinking I was dying,
and I told my husband.
I said, babe, I've got to stopdrinking.
(30:34):
I think I'm an alcoholic and Ithink I might be dying.
I actually went to the ER thatnight because I literally
thought I was dying.
And then I knew part of thenext step was to be honest with
my friends, with my faithcommunity.
That's why I started reachingout.
That was a moment of clarity.
Unfortunately, my sobrietyjourney was not like 100%
(30:58):
crystal clear all the time to meafter that.
It was a bit of a rollercoaster, but I can look back on
that day and say that was whenit started.
Rochelle (31:08):
There have been several storytellers on the
podcast who have shared abouttheir journeys through addiction
.
What always strikes me aboutthese stories is that we expect
all addiction to look like anepisode of the American TV show
Intervention or one of thosedramatic Lifetime Network movies
where there is some majordevastating incident or loss
(31:31):
that startles the addict intorecovery and that's where we
miss the signs of addiction allaround us.
Oftentimes, even in addiction,people seem to be thriving
professionally, or perhaps theirfriends and family are just so
used to their personality whenthey're under the influence.
Addiction shows up in all sortsof ways, even in our own lives,
(31:55):
and we miss the signs.
Cris (31:57):
When I realized that I needed to stop drinking, the
next day I called and reachedout to a number of my closest
friends and they thought I wasjoking, like I just had been
such a quote unquote highfunctioning alcoholic.
I always was going to bring agood time.
That was a little part of itthat I had been able to trick.
(32:19):
Like even my closest friends,my family, my husband had said
on a few occasions I think youshould drink less.
But he never said I think youshould stop drinking.
And other than that oneconversation with my dear friend
, no one had ever said hey, youknow, you might be an alcoholic,
you might be addicted toalcohol.
No one has said anything.
(32:40):
So I know that a number ofpeople in my life felt
blindsided and like they didn'tget it because they didn't see
those dark moments when, insteadof going to God with my fears
and my insecurity, I was pickingup a bottle.
They didn't know that I hadalcohol like hidden in the walls
of our house in case I neededto grab something out of
(33:00):
desperation.
I was able to present myself ina way that didn't actually
reflect some of that internalstruggle, present myself in a
way that didn't actually reflectsome of that internal struggle.
I was like absolutely headedtowards death.
And when I look at that seasonnow, I just I mean because of my
(33:23):
beliefs, like because of what Ibelieve I really feel like the
enemy was trying to take me outand take me down and take my joy
and take my creative energy andwas using alcohol to do that,
and I was believing this lie.
And you know, when you askedabout how it was impacting you
know my relationship with myhusband.
From that day forward, myhusband had to contend with this
knowledge that I had almostanother lover in my life, which
(33:46):
was alcohol, and so choosing todrink was choosing not to be
honest with him.
Choosing to drink was choosingto be with that instead of being
with him, and then ultimately,of course, it was choosing not
to spend time with God.
So it was a pretty rough, roughtime.
My college roommate, who wepartied together, always had a
(34:12):
great time together.
She was actually in a recoveryprogram, and so she was someone
that I reached out to, and sothrough her, there was a bit of
a season where I did AA, which Ilearned wasn't really like my
recovery program.
It's an amazing program for somany, but all of that was like
online, like there was no, therewere no in-person meetings when
(34:32):
I was starting on that journey.
So it was, yeah, it was allsocially distanced, it was
everything was video and thatwas kind of part of my recovery
(34:57):
time.
Yeah, in the thick of COVID, Iasked Chris about her recovery
journey.
I asked Chris about herrecovery journey.
Like myself, again, I felt likeI saw a vision for joy.
I had been afraid, honestly, to.
I thought I don't even know howto talk to anybody without
drinking anymore, like it hadgotten so deep into me and I
(35:18):
believed those lies just in thedepth of my soul.
And in that month I felt likeafter I talked to my husband,
talked to my friends, god showedup, you know, and I stepped
forward in faith.
But there's a point, at leastfor my sobriety journey, where I
started thinking but was Iactually an alcoholic or was I
just in a hard season?
(35:39):
Because now I feel better andthere were times when drinking
was just fun and I didn't drinktoo much and I couldn't stop, so
maybe I should try, and so thatvoice kept coming back.
Once I would get a month or sixmonths of sobriety under my belt
, then I would think I think Ican drink again, like I think
it's fine.
And then I would drink and Iwould immediately want more and
(36:03):
I could see where the path wasgoing, like, thank God, it's
only by His grace that I didn'tdo something entirely reckless,
that I didn't get behind thewheel of a car during that
season and run into someone orhurt my kids or fall down the
stairs.
Any of that could have andprobably should have happened
(36:23):
during that time.
But I also felt clear everytime I did drink you're not
supposed to be drinking Like foryou, this is not for you.
It is fine for some people, butit is not for you.
I had to wrestle with resentmentLike why me God?
Like I loved to drink and Ilove to drink a little bit, I
(36:46):
like to drink a little too much.
It all went downhill after thatbut I thought why can my
friends drink and I can't?
This kind of almost likewhining kind of thing, and I
wasn't living in gratitude.
I think what's been so helpfulnow is feeling grateful where
God has brought me, knowing it'sa part of my story.
So many people as I've juststarted to share a little bit
(37:10):
about this have come forward intheir own struggles with
sobriety women particularly andit's been so life-giving to be
able to share.
But I think that back and forth,like you know, people say, and
like AA and other programs, howmany days have you gone?
Like, how long have you gone?
And there were a lot of seasonsof that where I wasn't counting
because I didn't want to haveto be accountable to any number.
(37:31):
I would say I just don't wantto be legalistic about it.
But once I started reallycounting and once I really made
like that deeper decision, likeOK, god, I'm actually going to
listen and started putting daystogether, I know I'm not going
back.
So you know, at the time of thisrecording I have like a year
and four months of continuoussobriety and that's only by
(37:55):
God's grace.
But it's also just believing thetruth that this is what God has
called me to and also knowinglike I can still have fun, I can
still have a good time and Idon't need that in my life, and
also the belief that God givesme a joy, like God gives me
those moments that are waydeeper and more lasting than
(38:15):
anything I could get from havinga few shots of tequila and
dancing on a table.
You know I drew a line in thesand a year and four months ago
that said I'm not going backBecause I know if I go back it
leads to death.
That said, I'm not going backBecause I know if I go back it
leads to death, and because ofmy kids and how important they
are, because of my husband howamazing he is, and because of
(38:35):
also what God is calling me todo with my hands, like I'm not
going to let the enemy take meout because of that.
You know, I got other battlestoo and I still fight that every
day.
It's an intentional choice, butI'm not going back.
Rochelle (38:52):
The way Chris lives her life, the way she chooses to
show up for herself and for herfamily, is so beautiful.
It gives me hope and yetanother example of a woman who
has decided to follow her faithand what is important to her.
For Chris, participating in herown healing and working through
(39:13):
her recovery has saved her lifeand, as a result, deep, abiding
joy is her mantra and her focus.
Cris (39:23):
It can be so hard sometimes to choose joy.
It's like you want to let thoselittle things just get in you
and you want to react and beprideful or self-focused.
And so choosing to be others,focused, choosing to be
teachable, choosing to put asidesometimes just these minor
grievances maybe I'm sufferingunder to see the bigger picture,
(39:47):
I think for me is an activestep towards joy.
I also think that some of justthe kind of ups and downs of
life have made me appreciatelife more and really run after
joy.
I mean 14 years of marriage,two different people, going
through a lot of job change, alot of emotional changes, a lot
(40:08):
of stuff.
You know, you end up in thethick of some stuff and all of a
sudden you're becoming what yousaid you never wanted to become
.
That's been a real struggle forme, and so I've had to really
grab joy by both hands to saylike this is mine for the taking
.
You know, I feel like God hasgiven us, like a peace and a joy
that surpasses allunderstanding.
(40:30):
And so as I've gone, walkedwith friends who've gone through
divorces, as I walked throughlife situations where people are
suffering from cancer, whereI've seen just the suffering of
the world.
I feel like trying to seek joy.
It's a discipline in some ways,Because I know the alternative
is essentially death, you know,and who wants to live in that
(40:51):
place of death?
And I am someone who I'vestruggled with mental health, I
struggled with alcoholism andaddiction issues, and so I was
very close to losing sight ofwhat life was for and that there
was meaning and calling andpurpose.
And so every day I'm like whatis it, Lord?
Like what is it, Lord, that youwant me to see, and how can I
(41:14):
live into this joy?
Like a joy that is more thaneven the moments, like a joy
that is direct from heaven.
Rochelle (41:25):
I asked Chris how she defines success.
I asked Chris how she definessuccess.
Cris (41:28):
Success feels really elusive sometimes for me.
I think that I have I'm aperfectionist something I battle
, and I think too, because myart career has been more about
just going through the opendoors.
It hasn't been very strategic.
(41:50):
Currently I'm really thinkingthrough where do I want to be?
Because I've had all of theseopportunities that have come up,
that have fallen, felt likethey have fallen into my lap.
I'm so grateful for those.
But what has been the most fun,what has been the most
life-giving?
When I look back over theselast five years, what do I want
to do more of?
(42:10):
And I think that success willbe defined by doing more of
those things.
I think if I look on paper, Ican say, yes, I'm a successful
artist, like for sure.
When I look at you know, someof the people I've been able to
connect with, I feel like thatis a success.
Able to connect with, I feellike that is a success.
But I think that point ofconnection being able to
(42:37):
continue to help lift people'seyes out of just the heaviness,
being able to provide joy andbeauty and pain, being able to
just be a conduit for that likeconnecting heaven and earth and
helping kind of decrease thespace between those two entities
through art.
I think the more that I can dothat then, the more I'll feel
successful.
(42:57):
Even just over the past twoyears, even though I've always
shared a little bit about myfaith in my art, I have felt
more of a calling to do more ofthat, and I'm still wrestling
with what that looks like.
What do you want me to say, god?
What do you want me to paint?
I'm holding this current placethat I'm at, where I have some
(43:20):
really great corporate clients.
I have a lot of great liveillustration work.
I have some friends very fewfriends that I still do like
one-off pieces of work for, butI'm holding all that loosely
right now before God and justsaying what do you want me to do
with that?
Because you know success.
I think success is like anythingthat is on this side of heaven.
(43:41):
If we're, if we're basing it onthe things that are created,
we're always going to want more.
It's like you talk to peopleand they say once I make a
hundred thousand dollars, once Imake a million dollars, I'll
feel set, and then, once theyget there, they want more.
And so I think I have thatbattle, whether it's how many
people I want to follow me onInstagram, like how I want to
(44:02):
develop my other social mediaplatforms, what clients I want
to work with.
There is no like.
I've made it, you know.
And what do I do with that?
How do I take this one day thatGod has in front of me and feel
like I've lived it successfully?
Well, I think it's a success ifI've connected with people, if
I've listened to God, done whathe's called me to do and I've
(44:22):
made something beautiful out ofit.
Rochelle (44:25):
Deep gratitude to Chris for her time and her
stories.
The Tell Her this podcast wascreated by Rochelle Rice with
support from DC Commission onthe Arts and Humanities.
To support this podcast, pleaseclick the link in the show
notes or visit buymeacoffeecom.
Forward slash.
Tell her this For more.
(44:47):
Tell Her this content.
Please visittellherthispodcastcom and follow
on social media at Tell Herthis Podcast.
Please share this episode witha friend and leave a rating or
review.
This episode includes music byMaya Rogers.
To see Chris's art and to learnmore about her work, Rogers.
(45:11):
To see Chris's art and to learnmore about her work, please
visit chrislogancom or find heron social media at Chris Clap
Logan.
Links to her site are in theshow notes.
Editing and sound design byRochelle Rice, Mixing and
editing by Ray Jala.
And I am your host, RochelleRice, and you can find me at
Rachelle Rice Music across allsocial platforms.
(45:32):
Until next time, be true and bewell.
Thank you.
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