February 14, 2024 • 49 mins
Be Steadwell is a music artist, creator, and above all, a lover. Sometimes the hardest person to confront is yourself, especially when acknowledging your flaws within the context of relationships. This episode takes you through a raw tale of self-discovery, as Be recounts the end of a significant relationship due to her own destructive behaviors, the fight with addiction, and the life-changing embrace of sobriety. Love stories aren't just about the butterflies; they're about the unpredictable twists of true connection. From the rush of a first kiss to the depth of platonic bonds, Be shares personal stories that highlight the transformative power of love.
Tell Her This is a podcast of honest, heartfelt, and real stories from women and for women who live real lives and are as messy and complex as they are beautiful.
No advice. No self-help. Just perspective and stories.
We’d like to hear from you! Send us your recording of a short stories answering this prompt “Tell me a story about a woman who changed your life.” Stories should be 3 mins or less and you can send them to tellherthispodcast@gmail.com
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This episode includes music by Maya Rogers and today’s guest storyteller, Be Steadwell.
To hear more from Be Steadwelll, please visit besteadwell.com
If you'd like to hear more from Maya and support her new project, Orion and The Remembering Tree click here!
Thanks for listening! Please subscribe, leave a rating, and follow Tell Her This on all platforms @tellherthispodcast
This episode includes music by Maya Rogers. Click here to hear more from Maya and support her new project, Orion and The Remembering Tree!
Thanks for listening! Please subscribe, leave a rating, and follow Tell Her This on all platforms @tellherthispodcast
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Rochelle (00:00):
Hello, I'm your host, Rochelle Rice, and this is Tell
Her this, a storytelling podcast.
No advice, no self-help, juststories from women who represent
people just like me and justlike you.
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has continued to even moreincredible stories from women
(00:22):
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(00:43):
The link is also in the shownotes.
I want to hear from you, I wantto hear your stories about the
women in your life.
Maybe it's your mom or aco-worker, maybe it's an artist
or the person who works at yourlocal grocery store.
Pull up your voice.
Memo app and press record.
I'm collecting your shortstories.
(01:05):
Answering this prompt Tell me astory about a woman who changed
your life.
Stories should be three minutesor less and you can send them
to tellherthespodcastatgmailcom.
All right, let's get started.
Be Steadwell (01:28):
This is the Tell Her this podcast.
My name is Be Steadwell and I'm36 years old.
is creative, dynamic, soulfuland beautiful, An award-winning
(01:51):
and celebrated artist, a loverof loving, who has grown quite a
following as a multi-hyphenatemusician, filmmaker and
storyteller.
The music is introspective anddeep, funny and sensual.
They're the kind of artist whoyou listen to and immediately
want to get to know.
(02:12):
She's been on my radar for awhile, as we both share some of
the same social and musicalcircles, and on a crisp
afternoon in the haze of timecalled winter break, I sat in
their cozy and beautiful homestudio and listened to her
stories of loving, of healingand of contending with one's own
(02:36):
heart.
I am a queer, black, multiracial musician,
artist, lover, boy and I show upin the world with love songs,
love stories and silliness,sweetness, some heartbreak, and
(03:00):
my goal, I think, as a human inthis life is to make art and
music that sort of allows peoplelike me to marginalize people,
queer people, black people, tofeel more seen, to feel like
their feelings and experiencesare beautiful.
(03:21):
When I was little, I wasextremely shy and I'm an
introvert now, but I think evenmore so than I was like I didn't
know.
I just felt like the world didnot understand me and I did not
understand the world and peopleand grownups.
(03:44):
And because I grew up around alot of white people, you know my
parents are amazing parents andthey wanted me to go to the
best schools and all that.
And what was lost, I think, inthat experience was, you know,
(04:04):
if you're the only one in theroom, that means, again, you're
questioning your intelligence,your beauty, your power and you
want to be like everyone else.
You know you want to be justanother girl or whatever.
I loved to sing, I loved music.
(04:25):
I loved the music that my oldersisters listen to.
They listen to like one of mysisters, laura, listen to like
Grunge and you know, like kindof alternative, kind of white
boy, you know stoner boy music.
Nick Drake and them and myolder sister, kate, listen to a
(04:46):
lot more R&B and hip hop and rap.
They both listen to rap and Iwas like listening to that.
And then my parents listen to alot of jazz standards and I
don't know.
I just I consumed music andloved it, but I was so shy that
I never sang in front of anyoneand I remember a lot of my
(05:12):
childhood I don't remember verywell, I think, because I was.
It was not fun, like I wasn'treally happy, but I remember I
used to roll the window down inthe car and I would sing into
the wind basically and like in away that no one could hear me,
(05:34):
but it was like this likebeautiful moment by myself where
I could just, you know, justsing.
That sort of makes me reallyremember little little me and
like I don't even know if whatI'm doing makes sense or is good
, but I'm just, I just am lovingmusic, kind of by myself in my
(05:58):
own world.
Rochelle (06:10):
Be's music contains a multitude, which perhaps is the
goal for any artist.
I find myself woven throughouttheir lyrics, whether it's about
being an awkward black girl ora completely disillusioned lover
.
It's like holding up a mirror.
Be Steadwell (06:28):
The first song that comes to mind is a song I
wrote called Brown Girl and it'sit's more like a song to my
inner child than maybe a songabout what I struggle with now.
But it's kind of just aboutbeing the only one in the room,
(06:52):
the only black girl in the room,brown girl in the room, and
feeling heartbroken by the worldand feeling ugly, questioning
your power and your intelligenceand your beauty.
And it's just kind of from theoutside talking to that little
(07:15):
girl and saying right now youfeel, you feel small, you feel
like nobody believes in you, andit causes you to lash out, it
causes you to be sad, to beangry, and it also just allows
the song allows for kind of ahappy ending, which to me is
(07:40):
when you realize that I have allthese things, I am all these
things I feel like.
I've always been attracted topop music and this very
simplified, boiled-down way ofexpressing yourself.
(08:06):
So I like to think of it aslike small words for big
feelings and I think pop musicresonates with the biggest
numbers of people because it'slike it's, you know, a chorus
that's like I will always loveyou is just and you know anyone
(08:27):
can feel that anyone has feltthat before.
And so I don't know.
I think it's, I don't know hownuanced it is, I think it's like
it's just accessible and it'san invitation to really to see
yourself in it.
And the song that describes memost as an artist gosh, I think.
(08:50):
Right now, right now, I'll saymy favorite song to perform and
one of my favorite songs that Iwrote is called Fuck Boy.
Oh my God, oh my God.
It's like I'm so embarrassed bythe stuff I'm describing in
there, but it's, I think I wasjust so depressed one day and I
(09:24):
was like in kind of a not superhealthy situation ship and and I
was like I'm going to beplayful with this.
I'm going to talk about thedepression, I'm going to talk
about the good sex, I'm going totalk about how I'm not shit
sometime.
You know, like it just so thatI think feels like the most fun,
(09:45):
playful take on depression,casual sex and like dating a
Scorpio.
Rochelle (09:57):
A consistent theme in bees music is that experience in
and out of love and in and outof relationship.
I especially appreciate theirtruth telling and honest look at
their own responsibility anddestructive behavior.
Be Steadwell (10:14):
At the end of my twenties and the beginning of my
thirties I was in a really bigrelationship and and this was
before I started AA so at theend of my drinking days and I
don't even know how to tell thatstory it was the end of our
(10:36):
relationship and we had kind ofgotten through.
I cheated and and she forgaveme and there were some moments
when she did stuff that wasreally sad to me and we had just
(10:56):
gotten through a lot of really,really tough stuff and we were
non monogamous at the time andand I think I think it just very
slowly occurred to her that shedidn't have the energy anymore
to like keep going, and it hadnot occurred to me.
(11:19):
I, you know, I thought likethis is my person, we're going
to end up together.
And I think one day I just wewere talking and she just seemed
so tired and I and I just saidare you in love with me, are you
still in love with me?
And she kind of tried to saysomething.
She, she was like I'm reallygoing through it.
(11:41):
There's a lot like it was justone of those like you're just
avoiding the question.
Like tell me, are you still inlove with me and she said I
don't know, that was the last,that was the last time and that
was enough, I think, for me tosay, okay, it's over, it's over.
I don't want to be, I don'twant to be in love with someone
(12:02):
and fight for someone who's kindof like becoming indifferent to
me, toward me, and you know,it's that kind of thing.
Where you're you're almost likeyells, do something, throw
something, be angry, bepassionate, care, but somebody
who just doesn't care anymoreand who has become so numb.
(12:25):
That was.
That was probably the mostheartbreaking thing that could
have happened.
Now, looking back, I think youknow, because I was younger,
there were a lot of othermoments that probably could have
, could have given me signals,could have could have given both
of us signals to to let it go.
But you know, you just don't.
(12:48):
That relationship taught me alot about who I was at the time,
which was like a veryself-centered, constructive
person.
I don't know if anyone beforerecovery or before lots of
therapy really can admit thatabout themselves.
Like, we justify a lot of thethings we do and I did, but this
(13:15):
was a relationship I thought Ireally wanted and I did a lot of
.
I cheated.
I was very jealous, I was veryinsecure and I did a lot of
things to hurt this person andreally mess the relationship up.
And I had to learn that I wasnot a good person.
(13:39):
I had to learn that I was theway, that my actions were not
aligned with who I thought I was, who I wanted to be.
I did not have integrity, youknow, and we broke up.
She ended up leaving eventuallyor sort of drifting away
(14:01):
eventually, and I think theending of that relationship was
wow, yeah, this is fucked up.
And after we broke up, I spent ayear drinking every day, just
waking up, hungover and reallylooking for like all I was gonna
(14:26):
do was work and drink and I waslike I'm gonna drink myself to
death, like that's just, thatwas just my plan.
I didn't want to live, I didn'tlove myself at all and because
I thought that this person andthis relationship was all there
was, and after, yeah, sort ofsplashing around in that self
(14:50):
pity and the drinks for a year,I went to AA and just
immediately from that firstmeeting, I was like I'm never
gonna drink again.
I was so tired and I was sobroken and I didn't get to the
(15:13):
point of drinking.
I didn't get to the point ofcrashing my car or doing
anything really obviously scaryor harmful, but I hated myself,
so you know what I mean.
I was like that was my rockbottom.
It was not knowing how to lovemyself or wanting to live.
And yeah, that relationship wasyeah, it was the biggest
(15:40):
heartbreak, but it was also thecatalyst for me to change.
Rochelle (15:46):
For B, it wasn't about a rock bottom spiral of obvious
and explicit self-destruction,but rather deep heartbreak and
needing to be okay withinherself.
Be Steadwell (15:59):
You definitely don't have to crash your car or,
you know, or OD in the streetsto go to AA or to go into
recovery.
When you do go to recovery, yousee there's a really big range
about how people use, how peoplehit it, how people kept their
(16:20):
jobs sometimes.
And I mean, really the key islike, are you okay?
Like, are you emotionally inyour heart, are you okay?
And if you're not okay, thenthere's nothing wrong with
finding community and saying,like, what did y'all do?
Like, what's your strategy forworking through this?
(16:49):
And I think, for me, the momentI knew I was an alcoholic since
college, I knew I had a problemand I think when you're young
you're just like this is normal,you know it is what it is.
And then you know I would belike the first one to drink, the
last one drinking still, and Istill got good grades.
(17:11):
I was an honor student incollege.
I did a lot of, I made a lot ofyou know pretty good art and
music, in spite of the fact thatI was drinking a lot.
And I think that year after thebig breakup, every day I said I
want to stop and I was like I'mnot going to drink tomorrow and
(17:35):
I made an altar and I prayed tothe ancestors and I had rituals
and all these candles and Ijust kept saying I'm going to
stop, I'm going to stop, I'mgoing to stop.
And I kept not stopping.
I couldn't even like skip a day.
There was one day I was inSeattle and I was like I'm not
(17:56):
going to drink tomorrow.
There was one day I was inSeattle on a gig and I was like
I'm going to go to AA.
I looked up the address, I wentand the building was not there.
It was not there Like it was anold listing, and so I went back
and drank the beer that wasthere.
Anyway, I kind of was like Iknow, I should do this, I know I
(18:17):
should see what's possible.
And it wasn't a big moment atall.
I just woke up hungover again.
I looked up where are theirmeetings in DC and I drove
myself to a meeting just becauseI was fucking tired.
I was like anything, I'll doanything at this point, and I
(18:40):
think that was the difference.
It's about a kind of surrender,where you're saying I need help
, I can't do this by myself.
I can't just say I'm going tostop, even though I'm saying the
ancestors are helping me.
I'm saying I'm doing it and Ican't do it by myself.
(19:01):
And going into the meetingmeant it allowed me to see the
community, even just a littleglimpse, and I was like we're
all doing this together and thisis godly, this is spiritual,
this is like.
This is something I can take itoff my shoulders now.
Rochelle (19:28):
Bee's history with love.
Their love story, is a journeythey've documented well across
their music and songwriting and,of course, like most of us who
find ourselves in various statesof partnership with other human
beings, it has been at timeswell complicated.
(19:49):
Cat bitches blue fish andlicorice slow kisses, love so
delish.
Be Steadwell (19:56):
The last person I was in partnership with.
We had an incredible sort oflike emotional, spiritual
connection and I've always beenI've always kind of been the one
in the relationship who maybewants it a little less and that
(20:21):
feels very safe in some ways.
And I think in this situationmy I learned a lot, like I grew
a lot.
It's the sort of thing whereyou fall in love with someone
and then you realize thatthey're not ready for any of the
(20:42):
things that you want, even ifthey said they weren't.
I did experience a lot of joywith this person.
I experienced a relationshipwhere we didn't yell at each
other, which I always wanted.
(21:03):
I was like I know it's possibleto talk through conflict and
really process conflict and thatand to be less reactive, and I
sort of learned how to do thatwith them.
But on the other hand, we wereprocessing conflict constantly
(21:25):
and not moving forward, notgrowing.
It just took me a long time tofigure out that our pacing was
so different.
They wanted to go so slowly andthey wanted specific things and
I wanted to.
Just I was like I'm ready,let's go, let's go, let's go.
It had sort of these extremesof pain and sort of realizing
(21:52):
slowly that I needed to let go,but also wanting so badly to
hang on and get closer and walktoward this person.
Ultimately, it just was out ofbalance.
Yeah, and I think the lessonthat I learned with them which
(22:14):
seems kind of obvious now butalso really hard to accept is
that being in love with someoneis not enough.
Being in love with someone doesnot mean you should be in
partnership with them.
And I always thought like I'min love, so now we're gonna do
all the things, now we're gonnafucking emerge in every way we
(22:37):
can.
And it's kind of messed me up alot in a lot of relationships
because I wasn't reallycompatible.
I wanted what I've alwayswanted is a very, a deep
(23:02):
romantic love and family andbuilding a home with someone and
closeness and being a team.
It's a fantasy in some waysthat I think were given by the
(23:27):
movies and the books and thefairy tales, and also I think it
is possible and I think ifyou're a romantic, you believe
even if you're totallypessimistic and jaded, there's a
little part of your heart thatbelieves that's possible.
Rochelle (23:48):
I asked Be about healing and what they said
reminded me of the old adage thebest way to get over someone is
to get under someone else.
Be Steadwell (24:00):
After my last partnership ended, I decided I
was going to be slutty.
I decided I was going to have awhole phase.
That felt like it was going tobe healing to me.
I don't want these deep.
I'm in love with you.
We're meant to be togetherSpiritual connections.
Anymore I don't want to find mypartner, wife, spouse, whatever
(24:25):
I just want to have casual.
Honestly, it didn't work out atall.
My voice, it was a failure.
I was on the apps.
I was on a couple apps and Iwent on some dates.
(24:46):
They didn't go great.
I got friends owned a lot, Idon't know.
It's just one of those thingswhere you're like you want
something.
So bad in the universe is likenope, nope.
You know you're not gettingthat.
But I think what was healingabout my failed, slutty phase
(25:08):
was just being single andfiguring out what I really
wanted.
Having my ego blown a few times, just having a few hard moments
, the hard dates, puttingyourself out there, I don't know
(25:30):
, going to events, happy hoursand stuff.
I was like I don't even do this.
It was healing to not keepchasing and grasping after this
perfect, ending romantic lovethat I really have always wanted
.
I was just like no, justwhatever's casual, whatever's
(25:51):
easy.
be's ep's.
Succulent is sensual andinteresting, and if you want a
glimpse into this era of theirlife, well, go run it up.
And then you let me suck on it.
Succulent, like it doesn'tswallow in tongues.
The body of the body.
(26:12):
Yeah, succulent was a similar was a similar like
period of time.
Oh God, succulent did feel likea more of an anthem for my more
recent slutty period, but Iwasn't actually having sex, so
(26:33):
no.
A good lover or partner, is agood listener, is open to grow,
they share honestly with you.
They are excited to be romanticwith you and for you.
You can imagine a future withthem.
(26:54):
To me, it's about compatibility.
It's about how you move at thesame pace, how you work together
, how you recognize like this ishard, this isn't working, like
how can we shift?
I think it's partnership inthat there's like a balance of
power and care.
(27:15):
We're really trying to strike abalance in that way and it's
honestly I don't think it'ssomething that I've experienced
until recently.
The person that I'm with now isamazing and we are in love and
(27:41):
we're really compatible.
We're just, we're excited tojust know each other and chit,
chat and care and like figureout the best ways to share space
.
And I mean it sounds kind ofboring when I'm describing it
(28:02):
honestly, but it's like again.
When I was younger, I thoughtlike being in love, good sex,
what else, what else is there?
Like that's fine, that's mypartner and it's like and that's
great.
You know that those things aregreat.
But I'm so excited to be withsomeone who's like deeply proud
(28:24):
of me, I'm proud of them.
I'm just like, I'm just like soamazed by them and I just want
to get better every day atloving them you know what I mean
and just and showing up forthem and learning about them,
and I feel that returned.
It's just like it's so crazygood, you know.
(28:47):
So it's so ugh, I think I love,I love how I love that's so
corny, but I love my friendsreally deeply, my family.
It's not just about romanticlove, you know, I just want to
(29:12):
pour so much sweetness intopeople's lives and to connect
and to know people and I, likeI'm the kind of friend Everybody
wants to do this becauseeveryone's too old.
But I want to have slumberparties, like.
I want to like stay up allnight and just tell each other
(29:35):
secrets about, like, our heartsand you know what I mean Like I
just I'm a softie.
Rochelle (29:45):
I asked Be how they met.
Be Steadwell (29:49):
Well, you know anyone who's, anyone who knows
queer people, which you do.
There's this stereotype that wemove really fast and it's not
not true, it's a little bit true.
But yeah, I met this person andI was like, oh, this is a very
(30:10):
wholesome, nice guy kind ofperson.
And then I was like, oh,they're very attractive and I
feel things about them.
And again, that was this wasthe slutty phase.
Still, I thought and and I justconnected more and more with
(30:32):
them and it just felt extremelydeep, like it's felt extremely
deep really quickly.
And I know that there were therewere moments when, you know, in
terms of like intimacy, wherethey would like look in my eyes
in a way that I was like whoa, Iwas, you know, I was like, and
(30:53):
they're, they're a Scorpio andit's you know, scorpios be
intense.
They'd be like looking at youand you're like, you're like, oh
, my God, my soul.
And you know, like we were both, like we don't want a
relationship, we're being, youknow, we're going slow, we're
being careful.
But there were just momentswhere I would look at them and
(31:16):
think like, can you feel that Ilove you?
Like it, like it was just I andI wasn't going to say it.
I was like I won't say it, it'svery soon, I'm not going to say
it to them, but I would likelook at them and just kind of
like try to sort oftelepathically tell them like I
love you, I think I love you andand I actually I accidentally
(31:40):
said it one day it's so fuckingembarrassing.
Well, a friend of mine who knewI was trying to be slutty was
like do you know?
I told my friends they werelike do you know?
And I was like, oh yeah, we'vemet a couple of times.
They were like I think you, Ithink you would like them, and I
(32:04):
was like, okay, so this is amutual friend.
And they went to and they werelike you know, be steadwell.
And was like, oh, yeah, themusician, yeah, whatever.
And and they were like, oh, youknow, I think they're like
trying to date and, you know,looking for some casual things
(32:24):
which I'm like, oh God,embarrassing.
And they were like oh, do youthink they, I'm their type.
And my friend said, oh, yeah,which I think is like whoa, okay
, very interesting, is kindsmart, really, really gorgeous
(32:48):
and tall and like and just likethe most you're like at a party
and like they're just somagnetic, you know.
So I think probably anyonewould would fall in love with.
But but yeah, so we went on adate and it was like I don't
(33:08):
know, it was cute, it was.
I thought they weren't into me,honestly, and I was just like,
all right, I made another friendon a date, like I've been doing
, and we actually a bird poopedon me, which I thought was a
good.
I was like this is horrible,but like that's supposed to be
(33:31):
good luck.
And then we went to the, thearb, the arboretum, and someone
got proposed to and it wasreally beautiful.
It was like they were in frontof the fountain and the guy got.
I was watching him and he goton one knee and I was like, oh
my god, that guy's proposing.
And then, like everyone startsclapping and she figures out her
(33:53):
family's there and she says yes, and everyone's clapping and
this whole time I'm like thisperson is not into me, but like
this is a really romantic moment.
And at the end of the day I gotout to like hug them and say
goodbye and they said I reallywant to kiss you right now.
(34:18):
And I was like, and then I justmy face just turned into the
cheesiest smile, like you know,the kind where you can't.
You're like, oh, my god, I'm so.
I just was so surprised and Iwas like really me.
And I was like trying to get myface to like stop smiling,
(34:40):
because I was like I have to, Ihave to like prepare for the
kiss and I was like, yeah, ofcourse I want to.
I was like you're into me, likethat.
And they were like, yeah, youcan't tell.
And I was like, no, I can'ttell.
And I've like been on a lot ofkind of not great dates.
And I thought you were yeah,anyway, and so they kissed me.
(35:02):
It was like it was a very niceguy, wholesome kiss.
And then it was like and thenthey like pulled me in in a way
that was like oof, I would likeyou know, with the just a little
slight, like, just a littlespice to it, and I was like, oh,
interesting, you know, that's,that's information.
(35:23):
You're definitely a Scorpio andand I was like, as soon as they
left, I was like I want to makeout with you again.
When can we do this?
And yeah, and we did try to becasual and whatever slutty with
each other, but I think it justfelt so good, so quickly and
(35:50):
comfortable.
And yeah, and I just, even ifit's crazy, I had to say like I
want to do everything with you,I want to do life with you.
It's crazy, it's been like fiveminutes, whatever, but but I
have to at least acknowledge thefact that that's how I feel.
(36:10):
You know, we were picking upcoffee and about to go to the
airport.
They were taking me to theairport and and they were giving
me their coffee order because Iwas going to hop out and get it
.
And I was like, standing up, Iwas like I know, okay, I got it,
I got it All right, I love you.
And then I was like I just likelost my breath for a second and
(36:35):
I like slowly like lower myhead down to the car to see like
, did they hear me?
And their face was like I heardyou, did you just say that?
And I and we were both justlike ah, and I was like you know
what?
I didn't say that?
Scratch, that, forget it.
It's true, but I didn't mean tosay it.
(36:55):
So can we?
Let's just not, let's justpretend we didn't say it.
And I like, well, go to get thecoffee, and they come in and
they're like hey, how are youdoing?
I'm like I'm fine, that's fine,everything's fine, let's go.
And then we get in the car andthey're like they're trained as
a therapist, so they're nevergoing to avoid, you know, a
(37:18):
conversation.
So they're just like do youwant to talk about it?
Like, do you Are you?
Are you feeling things?
Do you want to talk about thefeeling?
And I'm like not really.
I think you know.
And they're like I don't, youknow, I know it's really early
and I understand why you saidthat.
And I'm just like please stop,please stop.
I'm embarrassed, like don't sayit back, don't think you have
(37:40):
to say it back, let's just do doit Like.
I just feel like my heart islike way ahead of my brain and I
don't get it and I don't reallyknow you that well, but that's
how I feel.
And we drove to BWI, which isthe nice, 45 minutes right from
DC, and at the end of the drivethey were like I, I love you too
(38:05):
, and it's so scary, and I don'tknow what this is.
And we were both just like coolBye, I just go left and got on
the plane.
I think it's one of thosethings that once I once I said
it, I was like when did I notlove you?
You know what I mean?
It just felt like.
It just felt like part of me,and I know I'm sounding so corny
(38:28):
right now, but yeah.
Rochelle (38:36):
B has a lot to be proud of their success as a
musician, thriving relationshipand, most importantly, the
honoring of oneself and theirjourney to sobriety.
Be Steadwell (38:49):
I'm definitely most proud of my sobriety and my
like time and recovery.
For me, recovery isn't justlike I haven't had a drink in
five and a half years.
It's also about trying to be abetter person and learn how to
(39:12):
be, to show up in the world in abetter way every day.
So it's, it's not, it doesn'tend, you never graduate, you
never really complete the work.
It's just.
You know, I have a sponsor andI work with, with her and I go
(39:32):
to meetings.
It would have been easy to justnot do any of that and, like you
know, at least in my, in mymind, from my perspective then.
But but deciding to stopdrinking and to and to love
(39:55):
people in my life in in in abetter way, it's just, it's like
everything.
It's everything to me, yeah,and to and to learn how to love
myself too, that was, that wassomething I don't think I really
knew how to do.
The amount of confidence that Iexperience just grows every day
(40:19):
, not necessarily in a linearway, right, like, it might be
kind of squiggly, but I startedto, I started to enjoy and have
confidence in in my music.
Really recently it's kind ofcrazy.
(40:40):
I've been, I've been playingmusic, you know, kind of as a
job for like 10 years, a littlebit more actually, and I was
always terrified to do it, likeevery show, terrified.
I don't know, do you get that?
Rochelle (40:55):
Yes, I'm kind of embarrassed to admit this, but
just about every performance, asequally as I'm looking forward
to it, there's a voice in theback of my head that's like if
this got canceled I'd be alittle relieved.
Be Steadwell (41:09):
You'd be like a little relieved.
Yeah, it's so weird and I usedto.
Yeah, anytime I got like areally cool opportunity, like a
really cool gig, I was likeexcited but then full of dread,
full of dread, worry andthinking like I think just
(41:30):
underneath that really is likeI'm not supposed to be doing
this, I'm not good enough.
You know, which is likeintellectually.
I know that's not true.
We're trained to tell ourselveswe don't belong places and
we're not supposed to do things.
And the past, I don't know,maybe past like two years,
(41:52):
something shifted and I don'treally know why or how, how,
because I had been working sohard to change how I approached
my work.
But I was kind of like you'regood at this, people connect
with the music that you make.
Sometimes gigs aren't great,but it's gonna be great, it's
(42:14):
actually probably gonna be great.
You know I started to getexcited and yeah, in theory
you're like get excited.
You know Adrenaline can eitherbe anxiety or excitement.
That's what the therapists andthings tell you.
You know that, but it's youcan't really.
(42:36):
I don't know how to trainmyself to be train myself to say
don't get worried, get excited.
The last time I played live Ihad gotten a text.
I got a text from a number Ididn't recognize and they were
like hey, our opener dropped out.
(42:57):
Do you wanna open for theIndigo Girls?
And I was like, immediately, Iwas excited.
I was just like yes, I justsaid yes, I had to drive to
Delaware.
It was like it was very lastminute, it was.
I was tired.
Rochelle (43:13):
One, two, three, four.
I'm gonna give you the best.
I'm gonna give you the best.
I'm gonna give you the best I'mgonna give you the best.
Be Steadwell (43:21):
I'm gonna give you the best.
I'm gonna give you the best.
Any like three years ago andbeyond, I would have been like I
would have said yes and I wouldhave done it, but I would be so
terrified I would be so.
I would just be like that's alot of people.
This is a big opportunity.
What's gonna happen?
What's gonna go wrong?
(43:41):
I'm scared they're not gonnathink this or whatever.
And, of course, the doubts arethere.
I'm not like whatever.
I'm not like perfect.
But I drove to Delaware bymyself listening to Closer to
Fine, because they were likeyou're gonna sing with them on
Closer to Fine, which is like Iwas like I'm in the Barbie movie
(44:03):
right now and yeah, and I'mjust like I'm just allowing
myself to be excited andconfident.
And I went and met them and youknow the nerves, of course,
were there, but I just went andI had fun.
The same worries that come upwhen I open for anyone, which is
(44:25):
nobody came here to see me andnobody knows who I am, like
they're just waiting for theIndigo Girls.
I just felt like so happy to beon stage and so happy to share
my music and the abundance oflike sharing a crowd that loves
a group's music so deeply.
It just really like filled meup.
(44:47):
So yeah, a lot of the mostconfident moments I've had, I
think, are in the past like twoyears.
I think it's like anything, it'sa practice.
So, you know, if the default isthe inner critic and the doubt
(45:16):
and the worry, then just kind oflogic-ing myself into feeling
differently, it's risky tobelieve that you're gonna do
well, like I think it's scary tosay I'm gonna kill it today.
(45:37):
I'm gonna like really, I'mgonna really blow their minds
today.
I've just never been that kindof person and maybe some people
are, but I've never been thatguy.
I'm just very doubtful andhumble, probably to a fault,
right.
So yeah, just being brave andsaying like I'm actually gonna
(45:59):
kick ass today, like that's it,period, that's what I do, that's
what I often do.
So let's like assume that it'sreally hard to do, though.
Rochelle (46:13):
I'm so proud and inspired by B.
They're forging a new way forthemselves in an industry and in
a society that doesn'tnecessarily celebrate softness
and truth.
To find and honor one's own wayis a radical act of self-love
and to me, is the true mark ofsuccess.
Be Steadwell (46:35):
I define success as eating good food, cooking
good food, having beautifulexperiences, loving the people
in your life well, loving thework that you do, having the
space to be creative and justkind of be ready to leave this
(46:58):
plane in a little like with apinch more sweetness and
goodness than when you came.
And yeah, I feel successful.
Definitely, I'm successful.
I think about death a lot maybenot a lot, but when I'm on a
(47:18):
plane and there's turbulence,I'm not scared of flying I
actually really love flying butwhen there's turbulence I'm very
much like if I die now, if Idie today, will I feel like I've
done all the things that Icould do?
And I do?
I feel like I've done all thethings that I could do.
I do want to do more things.
(47:39):
I want to make more music, Iwant to make more art and spend
more time loving and connectingwith people, but I feel like
I've done a lot and I feel goodabout it.
Rochelle (48:08):
Deep gratiude to Be for thier time and their stories
.
The Tell Her this podcast wascreated by Rochelle Rice with
support from DC Commission onthe arts and humanities.
To support this podcast, pleaseclick the link in the show
notes or visit buy me a coffeedot com forward slash, tell her
this and follow on social mediaat tell her this podcast.
(48:29):
Please share this episode witha friend and leave a rating or
review.
This episode includes music byMaya Rogers and today's guest,
Be Steadwell.
You can find out more aboutthem.
Music and Maya's latest project, orion and the Remembering Tree
, through the links in the shownotes.
Editing and sound design byRochelle Rice, writing and
(48:54):
editing by Ray Jala, and I'myour host, Rochelle Rice, and
you can find me at Rochelle RiceMusic across all social
platforms.
Until next time, be true and bewell.
Hello, I'm your host, Rochelle Rice, and this is Tell
Her this, a storytelling podcast.
No advice, no self-help, juststories from women who represent
people just like me and justlike you.
What began as a journey morethan 6,000 miles around the US
has continued to even moreincredible stories from women
(00:22):
who have opened their lives toall of us.
If you'd like to support TellHer this, please visit
Bymeacoffeecom.
Forward slash.
Tell Her this.
For as little as $5, you canhelp ensure that I can keep
bringing you these incrediblestories.
That's Bymeacoffeecom.
Forward slash.
Tell Her this.
(00:43):
The link is also in the shownotes.
I want to hear from you, I wantto hear your stories about the
women in your life.
Maybe it's your mom or aco-worker, maybe it's an artist
or the person who works at yourlocal grocery store.
Pull up your voice.
Memo app and press record.
I'm collecting your shortstories.
(01:05):
Answering this prompt Tell me astory about a woman who changed
your life.
Stories should be three minutesor less and you can send them
to tellherthespodcastatgmailcom.
All right, let's get started.
Be Steadwell (01:28):
This is the Tell Her this podcast.
My name is Be Steadwell and I'm36 years old.
is creative, dynamic, soulfuland beautiful, An award-winning
(01:51):
and celebrated artist, a loverof loving, who has grown quite a
following as a multi-hyphenatemusician, filmmaker and
storyteller.
The music is introspective anddeep, funny and sensual.
They're the kind of artist whoyou listen to and immediately
want to get to know.
(02:12):
She's been on my radar for awhile, as we both share some of
the same social and musicalcircles, and on a crisp
afternoon in the haze of timecalled winter break, I sat in
their cozy and beautiful homestudio and listened to her
stories of loving, of healingand of contending with one's own
(02:36):
heart.
I am a queer, black, multiracial musician,
artist, lover, boy and I show upin the world with love songs,
love stories and silliness,sweetness, some heartbreak, and
(03:00):
my goal, I think, as a human inthis life is to make art and
music that sort of allows peoplelike me to marginalize people,
queer people, black people, tofeel more seen, to feel like
their feelings and experiencesare beautiful.
(03:21):
When I was little, I wasextremely shy and I'm an
introvert now, but I think evenmore so than I was like I didn't
know.
I just felt like the world didnot understand me and I did not
understand the world and peopleand grownups.
(03:44):
And because I grew up around alot of white people, you know my
parents are amazing parents andthey wanted me to go to the
best schools and all that.
And what was lost, I think, inthat experience was, you know,
(04:04):
if you're the only one in theroom, that means, again, you're
questioning your intelligence,your beauty, your power and you
want to be like everyone else.
You know you want to be justanother girl or whatever.
I loved to sing, I loved music.
(04:25):
I loved the music that my oldersisters listen to.
They listen to like one of mysisters, laura, listen to like
Grunge and you know, like kindof alternative, kind of white
boy, you know stoner boy music.
Nick Drake and them and myolder sister, kate, listen to a
(04:46):
lot more R&B and hip hop and rap.
They both listen to rap and Iwas like listening to that.
And then my parents listen to alot of jazz standards and I
don't know.
I just I consumed music andloved it, but I was so shy that
I never sang in front of anyoneand I remember a lot of my
(05:12):
childhood I don't remember verywell, I think, because I was.
It was not fun, like I wasn'treally happy, but I remember I
used to roll the window down inthe car and I would sing into
the wind basically and like in away that no one could hear me,
(05:34):
but it was like this likebeautiful moment by myself where
I could just, you know, justsing.
That sort of makes me reallyremember little little me and
like I don't even know if whatI'm doing makes sense or is good
, but I'm just, I just am lovingmusic, kind of by myself in my
(05:58):
own world.
Rochelle (06:10):
Be's music contains a multitude, which perhaps is the
goal for any artist.
I find myself woven throughouttheir lyrics, whether it's about
being an awkward black girl ora completely disillusioned lover
.
It's like holding up a mirror.
Be Steadwell (06:28):
The first song that comes to mind is a song I
wrote called Brown Girl and it'sit's more like a song to my
inner child than maybe a songabout what I struggle with now.
But it's kind of just aboutbeing the only one in the room,
(06:52):
the only black girl in the room,brown girl in the room, and
feeling heartbroken by the worldand feeling ugly, questioning
your power and your intelligenceand your beauty.
And it's just kind of from theoutside talking to that little
(07:15):
girl and saying right now youfeel, you feel small, you feel
like nobody believes in you, andit causes you to lash out, it
causes you to be sad, to beangry, and it also just allows
the song allows for kind of ahappy ending, which to me is
(07:40):
when you realize that I have allthese things, I am all these
things I feel like.
I've always been attracted topop music and this very
simplified, boiled-down way ofexpressing yourself.
(08:06):
So I like to think of it aslike small words for big
feelings and I think pop musicresonates with the biggest
numbers of people because it'slike it's, you know, a chorus
that's like I will always loveyou is just and you know anyone
(08:27):
can feel that anyone has feltthat before.
And so I don't know.
I think it's, I don't know hownuanced it is, I think it's like
it's just accessible and it'san invitation to really to see
yourself in it.
And the song that describes memost as an artist gosh, I think.
(08:50):
Right now, right now, I'll saymy favorite song to perform and
one of my favorite songs that Iwrote is called Fuck Boy.
Oh my God, oh my God.
It's like I'm so embarrassed bythe stuff I'm describing in
there, but it's, I think I wasjust so depressed one day and I
(09:24):
was like in kind of a not superhealthy situation ship and and I
was like I'm going to beplayful with this.
I'm going to talk about thedepression, I'm going to talk
about the good sex, I'm going totalk about how I'm not shit
sometime.
You know, like it just so thatI think feels like the most fun,
(09:45):
playful take on depression,casual sex and like dating a
Scorpio.
Rochelle (09:57):
A consistent theme in bees music is that experience in
and out of love and in and outof relationship.
I especially appreciate theirtruth telling and honest look at
their own responsibility anddestructive behavior.
Be Steadwell (10:14):
At the end of my twenties and the beginning of my
thirties I was in a really bigrelationship and and this was
before I started AA so at theend of my drinking days and I
don't even know how to tell thatstory it was the end of our
(10:36):
relationship and we had kind ofgotten through.
I cheated and and she forgaveme and there were some moments
when she did stuff that wasreally sad to me and we had just
(10:56):
gotten through a lot of really,really tough stuff and we were
non monogamous at the time andand I think I think it just very
slowly occurred to her that shedidn't have the energy anymore
to like keep going, and it hadnot occurred to me.
(11:19):
I, you know, I thought likethis is my person, we're going
to end up together.
And I think one day I just wewere talking and she just seemed
so tired and I and I just saidare you in love with me, are you
still in love with me?
And she kind of tried to saysomething.
She, she was like I'm reallygoing through it.
(11:41):
There's a lot like it was justone of those like you're just
avoiding the question.
Like tell me, are you still inlove with me and she said I
don't know, that was the last,that was the last time and that
was enough, I think, for me tosay, okay, it's over, it's over.
I don't want to be, I don'twant to be in love with someone
(12:02):
and fight for someone who's kindof like becoming indifferent to
me, toward me, and you know,it's that kind of thing.
Where you're you're almost likeyells, do something, throw
something, be angry, bepassionate, care, but somebody
who just doesn't care anymoreand who has become so numb.
(12:25):
That was.
That was probably the mostheartbreaking thing that could
have happened.
Now, looking back, I think youknow, because I was younger,
there were a lot of othermoments that probably could have
, could have given me signals,could have could have given both
of us signals to to let it go.
But you know, you just don't.
(12:48):
That relationship taught me alot about who I was at the time,
which was like a veryself-centered, constructive
person.
I don't know if anyone beforerecovery or before lots of
therapy really can admit thatabout themselves.
Like, we justify a lot of thethings we do and I did, but this
(13:15):
was a relationship I thought Ireally wanted and I did a lot of
.
I cheated.
I was very jealous, I was veryinsecure and I did a lot of
things to hurt this person andreally mess the relationship up.
And I had to learn that I wasnot a good person.
(13:39):
I had to learn that I was theway, that my actions were not
aligned with who I thought I was, who I wanted to be.
I did not have integrity, youknow, and we broke up.
She ended up leaving eventuallyor sort of drifting away
(14:01):
eventually, and I think theending of that relationship was
wow, yeah, this is fucked up.
And after we broke up, I spent ayear drinking every day, just
waking up, hungover and reallylooking for like all I was gonna
(14:26):
do was work and drink and I waslike I'm gonna drink myself to
death, like that's just, thatwas just my plan.
I didn't want to live, I didn'tlove myself at all and because
I thought that this person andthis relationship was all there
was, and after, yeah, sort ofsplashing around in that self
(14:50):
pity and the drinks for a year,I went to AA and just
immediately from that firstmeeting, I was like I'm never
gonna drink again.
I was so tired and I was sobroken and I didn't get to the
(15:13):
point of drinking.
I didn't get to the point ofcrashing my car or doing
anything really obviously scaryor harmful, but I hated myself,
so you know what I mean.
I was like that was my rockbottom.
It was not knowing how to lovemyself or wanting to live.
And yeah, that relationship wasyeah, it was the biggest
(15:40):
heartbreak, but it was also thecatalyst for me to change.
Rochelle (15:46):
For B, it wasn't about a rock bottom spiral of obvious
and explicit self-destruction,but rather deep heartbreak and
needing to be okay withinherself.
Be Steadwell (15:59):
You definitely don't have to crash your car or,
you know, or OD in the streetsto go to AA or to go into
recovery.
When you do go to recovery, yousee there's a really big range
about how people use, how peoplehit it, how people kept their
(16:20):
jobs sometimes.
And I mean, really the key islike, are you okay?
Like, are you emotionally inyour heart, are you okay?
And if you're not okay, thenthere's nothing wrong with
finding community and saying,like, what did y'all do?
Like, what's your strategy forworking through this?
(16:49):
And I think, for me, the momentI knew I was an alcoholic since
college, I knew I had a problemand I think when you're young
you're just like this is normal,you know it is what it is.
And then you know I would belike the first one to drink, the
last one drinking still, and Istill got good grades.
(17:11):
I was an honor student incollege.
I did a lot of, I made a lot ofyou know pretty good art and
music, in spite of the fact thatI was drinking a lot.
And I think that year after thebig breakup, every day I said I
want to stop and I was like I'mnot going to drink tomorrow and
(17:35):
I made an altar and I prayed tothe ancestors and I had rituals
and all these candles and Ijust kept saying I'm going to
stop, I'm going to stop, I'mgoing to stop.
And I kept not stopping.
I couldn't even like skip a day.
There was one day I was inSeattle and I was like I'm not
(17:56):
going to drink tomorrow.
There was one day I was inSeattle on a gig and I was like
I'm going to go to AA.
I looked up the address, I wentand the building was not there.
It was not there Like it was anold listing, and so I went back
and drank the beer that wasthere.
Anyway, I kind of was like Iknow, I should do this, I know I
(18:17):
should see what's possible.
And it wasn't a big moment atall.
I just woke up hungover again.
I looked up where are theirmeetings in DC and I drove
myself to a meeting just becauseI was fucking tired.
I was like anything, I'll doanything at this point, and I
(18:40):
think that was the difference.
It's about a kind of surrender,where you're saying I need help
, I can't do this by myself.
I can't just say I'm going tostop, even though I'm saying the
ancestors are helping me.
I'm saying I'm doing it and Ican't do it by myself.
(19:01):
And going into the meetingmeant it allowed me to see the
community, even just a littleglimpse, and I was like we're
all doing this together and thisis godly, this is spiritual,
this is like.
This is something I can take itoff my shoulders now.
Rochelle (19:28):
Bee's history with love.
Their love story, is a journeythey've documented well across
their music and songwriting and,of course, like most of us who
find ourselves in various statesof partnership with other human
beings, it has been at timeswell complicated.
(19:49):
Cat bitches blue fish andlicorice slow kisses, love so
delish.
Be Steadwell (19:56):
The last person I was in partnership with.
We had an incredible sort oflike emotional, spiritual
connection and I've always beenI've always kind of been the one
in the relationship who maybewants it a little less and that
(20:21):
feels very safe in some ways.
And I think in this situationmy I learned a lot, like I grew
a lot.
It's the sort of thing whereyou fall in love with someone
and then you realize thatthey're not ready for any of the
(20:42):
things that you want, even ifthey said they weren't.
I did experience a lot of joywith this person.
I experienced a relationshipwhere we didn't yell at each
other, which I always wanted.
(21:03):
I was like I know it's possibleto talk through conflict and
really process conflict and thatand to be less reactive, and I
sort of learned how to do thatwith them.
But on the other hand, we wereprocessing conflict constantly
(21:25):
and not moving forward, notgrowing.
It just took me a long time tofigure out that our pacing was
so different.
They wanted to go so slowly andthey wanted specific things and
I wanted to.
Just I was like I'm ready,let's go, let's go, let's go.
It had sort of these extremesof pain and sort of realizing
(21:52):
slowly that I needed to let go,but also wanting so badly to
hang on and get closer and walktoward this person.
Ultimately, it just was out ofbalance.
Yeah, and I think the lessonthat I learned with them which
(22:14):
seems kind of obvious now butalso really hard to accept is
that being in love with someoneis not enough.
Being in love with someone doesnot mean you should be in
partnership with them.
And I always thought like I'min love, so now we're gonna do
all the things, now we're gonnafucking emerge in every way we
(22:37):
can.
And it's kind of messed me up alot in a lot of relationships
because I wasn't reallycompatible.
I wanted what I've alwayswanted is a very, a deep
(23:02):
romantic love and family andbuilding a home with someone and
closeness and being a team.
It's a fantasy in some waysthat I think were given by the
(23:27):
movies and the books and thefairy tales, and also I think it
is possible and I think ifyou're a romantic, you believe
even if you're totallypessimistic and jaded, there's a
little part of your heart thatbelieves that's possible.
Rochelle (23:48):
I asked Be about healing and what they said
reminded me of the old adage thebest way to get over someone is
to get under someone else.
Be Steadwell (24:00):
After my last partnership ended, I decided I
was going to be slutty.
I decided I was going to have awhole phase.
That felt like it was going tobe healing to me.
I don't want these deep.
I'm in love with you.
We're meant to be togetherSpiritual connections.
Anymore I don't want to find mypartner, wife, spouse, whatever
(24:25):
I just want to have casual.
Honestly, it didn't work out atall.
My voice, it was a failure.
I was on the apps.
I was on a couple apps and Iwent on some dates.
(24:46):
They didn't go great.
I got friends owned a lot, Idon't know.
It's just one of those thingswhere you're like you want
something.
So bad in the universe is likenope, nope.
You know you're not gettingthat.
But I think what was healingabout my failed, slutty phase
(25:08):
was just being single andfiguring out what I really
wanted.
Having my ego blown a few times, just having a few hard moments
, the hard dates, puttingyourself out there, I don't know
(25:30):
, going to events, happy hoursand stuff.
I was like I don't even do this.
It was healing to not keepchasing and grasping after this
perfect, ending romantic lovethat I really have always wanted
.
I was just like no, justwhatever's casual, whatever's
(25:51):
easy.
be's ep's.
Succulent is sensual andinteresting, and if you want a
glimpse into this era of theirlife, well, go run it up.
And then you let me suck on it.
Succulent, like it doesn'tswallow in tongues.
The body of the body.
(26:12):
Yeah, succulent was a similar was a similar like
period of time.
Oh God, succulent did feel likea more of an anthem for my more
recent slutty period, but Iwasn't actually having sex, so
(26:33):
no.
A good lover or partner, is agood listener, is open to grow,
they share honestly with you.
They are excited to be romanticwith you and for you.
You can imagine a future withthem.
(26:54):
To me, it's about compatibility.
It's about how you move at thesame pace, how you work together
, how you recognize like this ishard, this isn't working, like
how can we shift?
I think it's partnership inthat there's like a balance of
power and care.
(27:15):
We're really trying to strike abalance in that way and it's
honestly I don't think it'ssomething that I've experienced
until recently.
The person that I'm with now isamazing and we are in love and
(27:41):
we're really compatible.
We're just, we're excited tojust know each other and chit,
chat and care and like figureout the best ways to share space
.
And I mean it sounds kind ofboring when I'm describing it
(28:02):
honestly, but it's like again.
When I was younger, I thoughtlike being in love, good sex,
what else, what else is there?
Like that's fine, that's mypartner and it's like and that's
great.
You know that those things aregreat.
But I'm so excited to be withsomeone who's like deeply proud
(28:24):
of me, I'm proud of them.
I'm just like, I'm just like soamazed by them and I just want
to get better every day atloving them you know what I mean
and just and showing up forthem and learning about them,
and I feel that returned.
It's just like it's so crazygood, you know.
(28:47):
So it's so ugh, I think I love,I love how I love that's so
corny, but I love my friendsreally deeply, my family.
It's not just about romanticlove, you know, I just want to
(29:12):
pour so much sweetness intopeople's lives and to connect
and to know people and I, likeI'm the kind of friend Everybody
wants to do this becauseeveryone's too old.
But I want to have slumberparties, like.
I want to like stay up allnight and just tell each other
(29:35):
secrets about, like, our heartsand you know what I mean Like I
just I'm a softie.
Rochelle (29:45):
I asked Be how they met.
Be Steadwell (29:49):
Well, you know anyone who's, anyone who knows
queer people, which you do.
There's this stereotype that wemove really fast and it's not
not true, it's a little bit true.
But yeah, I met this person andI was like, oh, this is a very
(30:10):
wholesome, nice guy kind ofperson.
And then I was like, oh,they're very attractive and I
feel things about them.
And again, that was this wasthe slutty phase.
Still, I thought and and I justconnected more and more with
(30:32):
them and it just felt extremelydeep, like it's felt extremely
deep really quickly.
And I know that there were therewere moments when, you know, in
terms of like intimacy, wherethey would like look in my eyes
in a way that I was like whoa, Iwas, you know, I was like, and
(30:53):
they're, they're a Scorpio andit's you know, scorpios be
intense.
They'd be like looking at youand you're like, you're like, oh
, my God, my soul.
And you know, like we were both, like we don't want a
relationship, we're being, youknow, we're going slow, we're
being careful.
But there were just momentswhere I would look at them and
(31:16):
think like, can you feel that Ilove you?
Like it, like it was just I andI wasn't going to say it.
I was like I won't say it, it'svery soon, I'm not going to say
it to them, but I would likelook at them and just kind of
like try to sort oftelepathically tell them like I
love you, I think I love you andand I actually I accidentally
(31:40):
said it one day it's so fuckingembarrassing.
Well, a friend of mine who knewI was trying to be slutty was
like do you know?
I told my friends they werelike do you know?
And I was like, oh yeah, we'vemet a couple of times.
They were like I think you, Ithink you would like them, and I
(32:04):
was like, okay, so this is amutual friend.
And they went to and they werelike you know, be steadwell.
And was like, oh, yeah, themusician, yeah, whatever.
And and they were like, oh, youknow, I think they're like
trying to date and, you know,looking for some casual things
(32:24):
which I'm like, oh God,embarrassing.
And they were like oh, do youthink they, I'm their type.
And my friend said, oh, yeah,which I think is like whoa, okay
, very interesting, is kindsmart, really, really gorgeous
(32:48):
and tall and like and just likethe most you're like at a party
and like they're just somagnetic, you know.
So I think probably anyonewould would fall in love with.
But but yeah, so we went on adate and it was like I don't
(33:08):
know, it was cute, it was.
I thought they weren't into me,honestly, and I was just like,
all right, I made another friendon a date, like I've been doing
, and we actually a bird poopedon me, which I thought was a
good.
I was like this is horrible,but like that's supposed to be
(33:31):
good luck.
And then we went to the, thearb, the arboretum, and someone
got proposed to and it wasreally beautiful.
It was like they were in frontof the fountain and the guy got.
I was watching him and he goton one knee and I was like, oh
my god, that guy's proposing.
And then, like everyone startsclapping and she figures out her
(33:53):
family's there and she says yes, and everyone's clapping and
this whole time I'm like thisperson is not into me, but like
this is a really romantic moment.
And at the end of the day I gotout to like hug them and say
goodbye and they said I reallywant to kiss you right now.
(34:18):
And I was like, and then I justmy face just turned into the
cheesiest smile, like you know,the kind where you can't.
You're like, oh, my god, I'm so.
I just was so surprised and Iwas like really me.
And I was like trying to get myface to like stop smiling,
(34:40):
because I was like I have to, Ihave to like prepare for the
kiss and I was like, yeah, ofcourse I want to.
I was like you're into me, likethat.
And they were like, yeah, youcan't tell.
And I was like, no, I can'ttell.
And I've like been on a lot ofkind of not great dates.
And I thought you were yeah,anyway, and so they kissed me.
(35:02):
It was like it was a very niceguy, wholesome kiss.
And then it was like and thenthey like pulled me in in a way
that was like oof, I would likeyou know, with the just a little
slight, like, just a littlespice to it, and I was like, oh,
interesting, you know, that's,that's information.
(35:23):
You're definitely a Scorpio andand I was like, as soon as they
left, I was like I want to makeout with you again.
When can we do this?
And yeah, and we did try to becasual and whatever slutty with
each other, but I think it justfelt so good, so quickly and
(35:50):
comfortable.
And yeah, and I just, even ifit's crazy, I had to say like I
want to do everything with you,I want to do life with you.
It's crazy, it's been like fiveminutes, whatever, but but I
have to at least acknowledge thefact that that's how I feel.
(36:10):
You know, we were picking upcoffee and about to go to the
airport.
They were taking me to theairport and and they were giving
me their coffee order because Iwas going to hop out and get it
.
And I was like, standing up, Iwas like I know, okay, I got it,
I got it All right, I love you.
And then I was like I just likelost my breath for a second and
(36:35):
I like slowly like lower myhead down to the car to see like
, did they hear me?
And their face was like I heardyou, did you just say that?
And I and we were both justlike ah, and I was like you know
what?
I didn't say that?
Scratch, that, forget it.
It's true, but I didn't mean tosay it.
(36:55):
So can we?
Let's just not, let's justpretend we didn't say it.
And I like, well, go to get thecoffee, and they come in and
they're like hey, how are youdoing?
I'm like I'm fine, that's fine,everything's fine, let's go.
And then we get in the car andthey're like they're trained as
a therapist, so they're nevergoing to avoid, you know, a
(37:18):
conversation.
So they're just like do youwant to talk about it?
Like, do you Are you?
Are you feeling things?
Do you want to talk about thefeeling?
And I'm like not really.
I think you know.
And they're like I don't, youknow, I know it's really early
and I understand why you saidthat.
And I'm just like please stop,please stop.
I'm embarrassed, like don't sayit back, don't think you have
(37:40):
to say it back, let's just do doit Like.
I just feel like my heart islike way ahead of my brain and I
don't get it and I don't reallyknow you that well, but that's
how I feel.
And we drove to BWI, which isthe nice, 45 minutes right from
DC, and at the end of the drivethey were like I, I love you too
(38:05):
, and it's so scary, and I don'tknow what this is.
And we were both just like coolBye, I just go left and got on
the plane.
I think it's one of thosethings that once I once I said
it, I was like when did I notlove you?
You know what I mean?
It just felt like.
It just felt like part of me,and I know I'm sounding so corny
(38:28):
right now, but yeah.
Rochelle (38:36):
B has a lot to be proud of their success as a
musician, thriving relationshipand, most importantly, the
honoring of oneself and theirjourney to sobriety.
Be Steadwell (38:49):
I'm definitely most proud of my sobriety and my
like time and recovery.
For me, recovery isn't justlike I haven't had a drink in
five and a half years.
It's also about trying to be abetter person and learn how to
(39:12):
be, to show up in the world in abetter way every day.
So it's, it's not, it doesn'tend, you never graduate, you
never really complete the work.
It's just.
You know, I have a sponsor andI work with, with her and I go
(39:32):
to meetings.
It would have been easy to justnot do any of that and, like you
know, at least in my, in mymind, from my perspective then.
But but deciding to stopdrinking and to and to love
(39:55):
people in my life in in in abetter way, it's just, it's like
everything.
It's everything to me, yeah,and to and to learn how to love
myself too, that was, that wassomething I don't think I really
knew how to do.
The amount of confidence that Iexperience just grows every day
(40:19):
, not necessarily in a linearway, right, like, it might be
kind of squiggly, but I startedto, I started to enjoy and have
confidence in in my music.
Really recently it's kind ofcrazy.
(40:40):
I've been, I've been playingmusic, you know, kind of as a
job for like 10 years, a littlebit more actually, and I was
always terrified to do it, likeevery show, terrified.
I don't know, do you get that?
Rochelle (40:55):
Yes, I'm kind of embarrassed to admit this, but
just about every performance, asequally as I'm looking forward
to it, there's a voice in theback of my head that's like if
this got canceled I'd be alittle relieved.
Be Steadwell (41:09):
You'd be like a little relieved.
Yeah, it's so weird and I usedto.
Yeah, anytime I got like areally cool opportunity, like a
really cool gig, I was likeexcited but then full of dread,
full of dread, worry andthinking like I think just
(41:30):
underneath that really is likeI'm not supposed to be doing
this, I'm not good enough.
You know, which is likeintellectually.
I know that's not true.
We're trained to tell ourselveswe don't belong places and
we're not supposed to do things.
And the past, I don't know,maybe past like two years,
(41:52):
something shifted and I don'treally know why or how, how,
because I had been working sohard to change how I approached
my work.
But I was kind of like you'regood at this, people connect
with the music that you make.
Sometimes gigs aren't great,but it's gonna be great, it's
(42:14):
actually probably gonna be great.
You know I started to getexcited and yeah, in theory
you're like get excited.
You know Adrenaline can eitherbe anxiety or excitement.
That's what the therapists andthings tell you.
You know that, but it's youcan't really.
(42:36):
I don't know how to trainmyself to be train myself to say
don't get worried, get excited.
The last time I played live Ihad gotten a text.
I got a text from a number Ididn't recognize and they were
like hey, our opener dropped out.
(42:57):
Do you wanna open for theIndigo Girls?
And I was like, immediately, Iwas excited.
I was just like yes, I justsaid yes, I had to drive to
Delaware.
It was like it was very lastminute, it was.
I was tired.
Rochelle (43:13):
One, two, three, four.
I'm gonna give you the best.
I'm gonna give you the best.
I'm gonna give you the best I'mgonna give you the best.
Be Steadwell (43:21):
I'm gonna give you the best.
I'm gonna give you the best.
Any like three years ago andbeyond, I would have been like I
would have said yes and I wouldhave done it, but I would be so
terrified I would be so.
I would just be like that's alot of people.
This is a big opportunity.
What's gonna happen?
What's gonna go wrong?
(43:41):
I'm scared they're not gonnathink this or whatever.
And, of course, the doubts arethere.
I'm not like whatever.
I'm not like perfect.
But I drove to Delaware bymyself listening to Closer to
Fine, because they were likeyou're gonna sing with them on
Closer to Fine, which is like Iwas like I'm in the Barbie movie
(44:03):
right now and yeah, and I'mjust like I'm just allowing
myself to be excited andconfident.
And I went and met them and youknow the nerves, of course,
were there, but I just went andI had fun.
The same worries that come upwhen I open for anyone, which is
(44:25):
nobody came here to see me andnobody knows who I am, like
they're just waiting for theIndigo Girls.
I just felt like so happy to beon stage and so happy to share
my music and the abundance oflike sharing a crowd that loves
a group's music so deeply.
It just really like filled meup.
(44:47):
So yeah, a lot of the mostconfident moments I've had, I
think, are in the past like twoyears.
I think it's like anything, it'sa practice.
So, you know, if the default isthe inner critic and the doubt
(45:16):
and the worry, then just kind oflogic-ing myself into feeling
differently, it's risky tobelieve that you're gonna do
well, like I think it's scary tosay I'm gonna kill it today.
(45:37):
I'm gonna like really, I'mgonna really blow their minds
today.
I've just never been that kindof person and maybe some people
are, but I've never been thatguy.
I'm just very doubtful andhumble, probably to a fault,
right.
So yeah, just being brave andsaying like I'm actually gonna
(45:59):
kick ass today, like that's it,period, that's what I do, that's
what I often do.
So let's like assume that it'sreally hard to do, though.
Rochelle (46:13):
I'm so proud and inspired by B.
They're forging a new way forthemselves in an industry and in
a society that doesn'tnecessarily celebrate softness
and truth.
To find and honor one's own wayis a radical act of self-love
and to me, is the true mark ofsuccess.
Be Steadwell (46:35):
I define success as eating good food, cooking
good food, having beautifulexperiences, loving the people
in your life well, loving thework that you do, having the
space to be creative and justkind of be ready to leave this
(46:58):
plane in a little like with apinch more sweetness and
goodness than when you came.
And yeah, I feel successful.
Definitely, I'm successful.
I think about death a lot maybenot a lot, but when I'm on a
(47:18):
plane and there's turbulence,I'm not scared of flying I
actually really love flying butwhen there's turbulence I'm very
much like if I die now, if Idie today, will I feel like I've
done all the things that Icould do?
And I do?
I feel like I've done all thethings that I could do.
I do want to do more things.
(47:39):
I want to make more music, Iwant to make more art and spend
more time loving and connectingwith people, but I feel like
I've done a lot and I feel goodabout it.
Rochelle (48:08):
Deep gratiude to Be for thier time and their stories
.
The Tell Her this podcast wascreated by Rochelle Rice with
support from DC Commission onthe arts and humanities.
To support this podcast, pleaseclick the link in the show
notes or visit buy me a coffeedot com forward slash, tell her
this and follow on social mediaat tell her this podcast.
(48:29):
Please share this episode witha friend and leave a rating or
review.
This episode includes music byMaya Rogers and today's guest,
Be Steadwell.
You can find out more aboutthem.
Music and Maya's latest project, orion and the Remembering Tree
, through the links in the shownotes.
Editing and sound design byRochelle Rice, writing and
(48:54):
editing by Ray Jala, and I'myour host, Rochelle Rice, and
you can find me at Rochelle RiceMusic across all social
platforms.
Until next time, be true and bewell.
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