No. No, thank you. I’d love to but I can’t. Maybe next time. 👋
Today, I am talking all about building resilience and the power of saying "No."
Always saying yes is not a healthy choice.
Sometimes, you need to say no because you don't have the time, you need to take care of yourself first, or you don't want to do the thing!
I will discuss how to quiet the self-talk voice in our heads telling us that saying no is the selfish thing to do, and that being selfish is all bad.
By learning to silence this voice, you can find relief and peace in your decisions.
We will walk through weighing the "yes-to-stress ratio" and taking guilt out of that equation.
Remember, your well-being should always be a part of this equation, and it's okay to prioritize yourself.
Finally, we will end with how to be respectful with your no.
By the end, I hope that you have a clear understanding that any healthy habit that we start to adapt will take practice.
It won't feel super comfy at the start, but starting to say "no" will inevitably benefit you and those around you.
…..
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Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
The guilt button absolutely has urgency in it,
because if somebody is likelaying out the guilt trip, like
it feels like I'm supposed tosay something now I feel like I
should be doing something, whichthat doing something could be
saying yeah, let me check out acouple of things and I'll get
(00:22):
back to you.
Hi, and welcome to the AirReBreathe finding well-being
that works for you.
I'm your host, heatherSayers-Layman.
I'm a National Board CertifiedHealth and Wellness Coach,
certified Intuitive EatingCounselor and Certified Personal
Trainer.
I help you get organized andconsistent with healthy habits,
without rules, obsession orexhaustion, and consistent with
(00:47):
healthy habits without rules,obsession or exhaustion.
This podcast may contain talkabout eating disorders and
disordered eating.
There could also be some adultlanguage here.
Choose wisely if those areproblematic for you.
Hi and welcome to the Air weBreathe.
I wanted to talk about somethingthat's a piece of building
(01:11):
resilience.
Today and I feel likeresilience got talked about a
lot, especially peak pandemic,and many people are confused
because it's used in a reallyvery wide and big way.
Resilience is just our abilityto withstand stress.
(01:31):
There can be a narrative attimes that we'll just get rid of
all the stress.
I don't find that particularlyrealistic and I think that
learning to cope with stress canbe much better because we'll
(01:51):
just we'll never have no stress.
I mean because even if youlived alone on a deserted island
, you would have stress.
How do I get some fish?
I'm getting a lot of sunburns,like it's stressful.
I think that resilience can bea very beneficial piece because
(02:13):
it's nothing we learned inschool.
Sometimes you learn it from theschool of hard knocks and
having really bad things happento you and that's how you become
really resilient, because youmake it through those things.
But I do a four week course onresilience and really deep
diving into the literature.
There are a lot of differentpieces that go into building
(02:36):
resilience.
Today I want to talk aboutlearning to say no, and you may
be high fiving yourself, or youmay be high-fiving yourself, or
you may be hitting the stop playbutton because you're like, oh,
that's not possible for me.
Or you're like, slam dunk, I doit all the time.
But this can be very hard for alot of social reasons.
(03:01):
I'd say, certainly, as a woman,I was not brought up to say no,
I was brought up to do well inschool be cute, be quiet, out of
sight, definitely don't makeany waves, and learning to say
no would fit into the don't makeany waves portion.
(03:23):
To say no would fit into thedon't make any waves portion.
So the piece about it is itallows you to take some control
over certain parts of your life.
And when I talk about learningto say no, these aren't like
willy nilly oh, you know, it'dbe really fun.
(03:43):
It is a piece that, when yourhead is barely above water, it
can be essential to say nobecause you don't need to try to
carry something else whenyou're treading water.
It can also be a key to notgetting to a place where we are
(04:06):
treading water, especially ifyou've been in that place.
Hopefully you're like no, thankyou.
What contributed to me gettingthere and maybe over committing
was something that got you thereand you're trying to do
something different now.
A lot of talk around saying no Iwouldn't even say talk, I would
(04:27):
say self-talk around saying nois it feels selfish because you
were raised to be helpful andpolite and making things easier
on other people.
So saying no like talk aboutupsetting the apple cart Rude.
(04:48):
So the selfish narrative isdefinitely out there and at
times, saying no can actuallyallow you to try new things.
Maybe you have been doingsomething and you know it's not
working for you.
You want to try somethingdifferent, but you've got to say
no to that old thing to be ableto have the time, space,
(05:10):
bandwidth to try somethingdifferent.
Always saying yes is also notnecessarily healthy.
Certainly, we're raised to bepeople pleasers and worry about
other people's needs well infront of our own needs, which
can leave us burnt out,resentful, bitter, tired, like
(05:35):
definitely not at our bestbecause we're too busy making
sure everybody else is at theirbest, which doesn't serve anyone
.
Like, oh boy, here comes bitterHeather.
She's going to help me, but boyam I going to hear about it?
Blah, blah, blah.
So I think changing your ownnarrative, if you struggle with
it, that saying yes isn't alwaysa healthy choice for you,
(06:01):
because by default it does seemlike the best choice, but it's
not always.
Saying yes can kind of like behard because it affects other
people and you have to deal withtheir blowback.
Whether it's a guilt trip, it'sa woe is me, it's a anger Like
(06:25):
what am I supposed to do now?
Or somebody is keeping scoresomewhere and this is going to
get thrown in your face againlater.
I think those are very validreasons why it's hard to say no,
because who wants to listen toa guilt trip or, you know, have
the uncomfortable comments aboutthe fact that you're not being
(06:48):
helpful?
Nobody, nobody does.
But there can be consequencesto saying no.
But the bottom line really isif you don't take care of
yourself, who will?
Is, if you don't take care ofyourself, who will?
Because if you have had periodsof self-neglect, putting
(07:15):
everybody else first, didsomeone step in and say you know
what you are doing too much.
Let me handle a lot of this.
Go to the couch, grab yourselfa snack, relax, relax, watch a
movie?
No, no.
And that's what I find.
For many people who started tosay no, what they knew would
(07:36):
probably happen and that nobodywas going to step up to help
them was so disappointing,because it's one thing to
imagine like well, if I don't dothis, nobody will, and if I'm
not taking care of myself, likenobody's going to jump in and
help me.
So I have watched that play outin real time, where all of
(08:01):
those thoughts that were justthoughts are confirmed as facts
and that can be really painfuland hard to deal with.
I also always say yes, thatfact was a fact, because you
knew it was a fact.
You just never tested it to seeif it was a fact.
But we're smart and we havegood intuition and it is easy to
(08:25):
know when something is true.
So I've watched a lot of peopleeither unload some
responsibility and then justpouting Like there's a lot of
you know.
Woe is me.
I have to do more things,because saying no to certain
(08:47):
people or things like doesn'tbenefit them.
It makes their life quoteunquote harder.
That they just haveresponsibility, which, when
somebody is crying about havingresponsibility, I don't have a
ton of empathy for that Becauselike uh-huh, yeah, we all have
responsibilities.
So let's dive into when to sayno.
(09:10):
Well, that was more of a why tosay no.
Most of the time there's alittle voice.
Whether you're listening tothat voice or not, there's a
little voice that's like uh, notanother thing, like I can't do
it.
I just can't do it.
And then we're like shh, bequiet.
(09:33):
I've got to say yes here, butfocusing on what matters the
most, which I absolutely think,if I am of service to my family
and my work, I really do need tobe my best self Because, again,
(09:53):
if I'm like kind of sulky orangry or really burnt out and
not connected to my emotions atall.
That doesn't hurt, help anybody.
I would definitely not be thegreatest partner or mother or
employee, but, most importantly,I'm just not happy and I think
(10:19):
being able to focus on like whatit is that matters can be
helpful and me feeling like Ican breathe, feeling like I'm
not spinning 16 plates and I'mresponsible for all of those
plates and if one comes crashingdown, I didn't do a good job.
Like that's pressure.
(10:40):
So you can weigh the yes tostress ratio.
So if I because there arethings like that might feel like
that and you're like, oh, Ireally want to do this, so okay,
well, what is saying yes, goingto cost me in stress, is this
(11:01):
something that I thought that Icould do and I want to enjoy?
But now I'm so overwhelmed Iactually can't and the thing
that I wanted to do feels veryrestrictive to me.
So I think that's always a goodarea to look at Because also,
it gives you the option of like,oh, I really want to do this
(11:23):
thing.
Maybe there's something elsethat I'm not going to do.
So I might take down a spinningplate to make room for the
spinning plate, taking guilt outof the equation.
(12:04):
I will say it's always very easyfor me to see who grew up in a
guilt like, guilt orientedhousehold, like because who's
got the button.
And I will say I had it in someways, but not in others.
It it wasn't the ruling emotionin my house because I was
already acquiescing and doingeverything, trying to do it,
while trying to be good, tryingto stay off the radar.
So I didn't have to experienceit very much when I did like
hang on to your hats.
But I think, luckily for me, mymom is so out of control it
(12:26):
almost I don't want to say itwasn't funny.
And it wasn't funny to 15 yearold Heather, that's for sure,
but it was so over the top itdidn't really ping me as like I
should feel guilty about this.
It was more of like she haslost it, like she, because when
(12:47):
my mom is like ranting it'sreally hard to like tune in and
like make sense of any of it.
But it didn't make me feelguilty.
It made me think that shereally had lost it and was
mentally unwell, which wasusually the case.
Do you feel like thedo-it-yourself approach to
(13:08):
improving your healthy habitsdoes nothing except feel
overwhelming, guilt-inducing anddefeating.
You don't need more rules,influencers or structured
programs.
Let me help you discover whatyou want, what works for you and
how to maintain healthy habitsduring the ever-changing
circumstances of your life.
If you're ready to createsystems that stick head to
(13:31):
heathersayerslaymancom backslashhealth dash coaching and click
let's do it.
Let's do it.
So again, many people have grownup in different religious
institutions that use guilt forcontrol, households and parents
(13:51):
that use guilt for compliance,and it doesn't go away Like that
guilt button.
You certainly can get so muchbetter, but when, and especially
when I hear people talk aboutit, they're like it's so
frightening for them to dosomething that's going to elicit
guilt.
I don't feel like we can havean episode with my kids, but I
(14:13):
don't feel like I use guilt.
It's just sort of not, becauseit wasn't used on me, so it's
really not something that I use.
I will say their father uses itand, um, I think at this point,
at 21 and 23, they're more kindof eye rolly about it.
(14:34):
One is more likely to acquiesce, um, the other one, he's's got
no Fs to give.
He's like, wow, bummer, youfeel bad about this.
If he had a button.
He dismantled it.
It doesn't work.
But that guilt piece I thinkalways understanding this is
(14:56):
being used to control me.
This is being used to make medo something that I don't want
to do, and that person isperfectly fine with me doing
something that I don't like todo, and that is that is the
biggest message I get from.
Guilt is it's not about you, Idon't care what you want, I
(15:18):
don't care how you want to do it, I want you to do this.
And when you start framing itthat way, it can be very helpful
to motivate to either notacquiesce or to do something
completely different, becauseonce you start realizing that
(15:39):
they don't care about you, itmakes it easier to say no.
So back to when to say no.
I think sleeping on it can bereally helpful.
I feel like there is some autoresponse that we feel like we
need to tell this person rightaway that when we're asked to do
something so you know, if mykids in school and somebody is
(16:03):
like, hey, we really need helpwith a vinyl, the Valentine's
Day party, like, whatever it is,somebody needs to cover the
driveway, we need money raised,whatever it could feel very on
the spot and which most time itis on the spot.
And I think most people areexpecting you to reply right
(16:24):
away and you don't have to.
You can absolutely have acouple of things in your back
pocket that you sort of memorizeso that you don't have to
automatically like commit or notcommit, so you can say let me
get back to you and they mightsay, okay, I need to know by
(16:45):
this time.
Like okay, but just using thatas like a way to not
automatically kind of knee jerkcommit or let me check on a
couple of things before I commit.
So I just always have one ofthe two.
I usually just say like oh, letme get back to you on that, but
(17:06):
let me check a couple of things.
Like whatever it is that'scomfortable for you to say and
easy for you to remember to sayin that moment can help you then
better assess what you havegoing on, so that you're not
forgetting about something.
Because you know theValentine's Day party like maybe
(17:26):
that's when you know you haveto see your GI doctor, or maybe
that's when you know you'resupposed to be presenting
something at work it's just nota good time for you.
So having that pause then letsyou really evaluate the
situation, weigh your yes tostress ratio and see if yes is
(17:50):
going to cost you too much.
See if, like, oh my gosh, Ilove Valentine's Day.
I'm so excited, I really wantto do this.
What else is it I can try toget off of my plate so that I'm
able to do this, but it givesyou time.
And I think it's also empoweringbecause the guilt button
(18:12):
absolutely has urgency in it,because if somebody is like
laying out the guilt trip, likeit feels like I'm supposed to
say something now I feel like Ishould be doing something, which
that doing something could besaying yeah, let me check out a
couple of things and I'll getback to you.
(18:33):
So how to say no?
Doesn't this hurt in ourtummies a little bit, I think.
So I believe that theexpectation that I'm just going
to be able to say no I did itonce and now I'm off to the
races is faulty.
I think that whatever guiltbuttons or now I'm being bad,
(19:01):
I'm not part of the pack, I'mgoing to get thrown out of the
tribe, like all of these thingscan absolutely be going through
your head, because they're allpotential outcomes as well.
But what I certainly know, andespecially about women, is we
like to overshare because wedon't want that person to be mad
(19:24):
?
I think an empowering practicecan be to tighten up that
message, because sometimesyou're in an area where
oversharing like people need orwant to hear your full-blown
explanation, need or want tohear your full blown explanation
Sometimes people don't care andthen you're just kind of going
(19:45):
on and it seems a littledisempowering to be, you know,
over explaining why, as an adult, we're going to make a
different choice, and I thinkthat's very hard to get away.
Being brief can be reallychallenging.
So when it comes to saying no,you can just say no.
(20:07):
So let's just say you took apause, you know, let me get back
to you, and then you can sayit's really just not going to
work out for me.
You could say no, but you canhave a one sentence answer and
again, maybe it's one that youhave rehearsed and you've gotten
used to and it's really up toyou.
(20:28):
Do you want to text it?
Do you want to email it?
Do you want to say it to thatperson?
But being able to just be briefabout it I think is good.
I think, being honest, have Imade up things to get out of
other things 100%.
(20:48):
Do I feel like a toddler when Ido it 100%?
This can also depend on howmuch emotional bandwidth you
have, because maybe you don'thave a lot and you're like I'm
going to use it.
Yeah, you know, my kid's got anappointment, so can't do it.
You know, like, so I get it andI understand why we do that.
(21:10):
I think it can be helpful as apractice to be honest.
Also, your honesty mightliberate somebody else to be
honest, and I think it's alwaysbest for ourselves to be honest
with ourselves and others.
I think there is not always abig welcome sign for that too,
(21:34):
because now you're just tellingme like you're just exhausted,
so you can't do this, like, hmm,and to give somebody the
opportunity who is exhausted tobe like, oh my gosh, I heard her
say she was exhausted and shejust couldn't do it Like, so can
I do that?
Because absolutely a lot ofthings don't occur to people.
(21:57):
They didn't grow up in anenvironment where it was
empowering to say what you werethinking and to be honest.
So it's really like flexing awhole new muscle.
I think being respectful isimportant and that might be like
thank you so much for thinkingof me.
This seems like a greatopportunity.
(22:19):
And no, but it's an and andI've got this big presentation
work.
I just can't miss it.
So I think being respectfulcertainly sets a tone, because
saying no isn't disrespectfuland I think being honest is
(22:47):
actually respectful.
But you can also throw in somegood words, should you want to.
Do you have to Nope, you reallycan just say no.
What I know about saying no topeople who are not interested in
your no is that you might be,might need to be very ready to
(23:09):
repeat this If you are creatingsome sort of boundary around
something or trying to preservesome time for yourself, preserve
some more time for your family,preserve some more time for
your cat.
Like it's really what you thinkis important and, you know,
(23:31):
like I said before, likefocusing on what matters the
most.
Maybe you haven't seen your catvery much, you know, maybe you
got a new feather toy.
You really want to play with it.
But being ready to repeat thismessage of no, sometimes you get
pushback.
Sometimes people are so aghastthat you said no, that they
(23:53):
don't have any pushback at thatmoment, but you bet you they
will.
They kind of work up to it upto it and I think that some
people don't necessarily havethe self-awareness to know that
you did already say no and nowthat they're being kind of rude
(24:14):
asking you again.
There are lots of reasons.
Things can boomerang around andyou can go with the same no
that you went with the firsttime.
I think.
I think it's better to not beshocked that somebody did not
respect your no.
(24:34):
Um, because now you're eitherpassing on lightning their load
or you're passing on somethingthat would be extremely helpful
to them and that feels all kindsof yuck and you just might not
have the bandwidth to do it, youmight not want to do it.
(24:56):
You know these are all verycomplex and nuanced, so there is
no kind of rule book for howyou can do it, why you should do
it or how it all plays out,because you have to really
figure out what works for you indelivering a message and what
your priorities are.
(25:17):
So, in the how to say no, sayno, be brief, be honest, be
respectful and be ready torepeat.
That can be your starter kit.
Maybe you're a master of no, buthopefully those different
points give you something tothink about.
(25:39):
That.
Give you something to thinkabout that.
Maybe you're at a place whereit just feels impossible to say
no because you're the bad guy,or you know you get cut out of
other stuff, people are talkingabout you and all those things
absolutely might be true.
Being in a place where you knowwho you are, you know what
(26:01):
you've got going on, you knowyour ability to get things done
or not getting done and gettingmore comfortable with saying no
can be very beneficial toyourself, to your cat, to your
family All of those things arevery true.
(26:21):
I just think it really takespractice and just knowing that
going in like I'm going to dothis and I'm going to be super
uncomfortable and the next 10times I do it maybe I'm still
super uncomfortable, and maybethe next 100, you're super
uncomfortable and you havewatched out for yourself and
(26:43):
allowed you to focus on whatmatters the most.
Good luck to you.
You can always leave me feedback.
You can send me a DM onInstagram at Heather
Sayers-Layman or reach out on mywebsite, heathersayerslaymancom
.
Slash backslash contact andthere's a little form.
You can let me know how it goeswith your new found knownness.
(27:05):
Take care.
Thanks so much for listeningtoday.
Do you know what would bereally fun If you popped over to
my Instagram at Heather SayersLehman and dropped me a DM and
let me know what topics you wantme to cover.
Something bugging you,something holding you up?
Please just let me know and Iwill tweak some content and get
(27:26):
an episode out just for you.
As always, please follow, showor you can leave a five-star
review on apple or spotify.
That would be fun too.
See you in the next episode.
The guilt button absolutely has urgency in it,
because if somebody is likelaying out the guilt trip, like
it feels like I'm supposed tosay something now I feel like I
should be doing something, whichthat doing something could be
saying yeah, let me check out acouple of things and I'll get
(00:22):
back to you.
Hi, and welcome to the AirReBreathe finding well-being
that works for you.
I'm your host, heatherSayers-Layman.
I'm a National Board CertifiedHealth and Wellness Coach,
certified Intuitive EatingCounselor and Certified Personal
Trainer.
I help you get organized andconsistent with healthy habits,
without rules, obsession orexhaustion, and consistent with
(00:47):
healthy habits without rules,obsession or exhaustion.
This podcast may contain talkabout eating disorders and
disordered eating.
There could also be some adultlanguage here.
Choose wisely if those areproblematic for you.
Hi and welcome to the Air weBreathe.
I wanted to talk about somethingthat's a piece of building
(01:11):
resilience.
Today and I feel likeresilience got talked about a
lot, especially peak pandemic,and many people are confused
because it's used in a reallyvery wide and big way.
Resilience is just our abilityto withstand stress.
(01:31):
There can be a narrative attimes that we'll just get rid of
all the stress.
I don't find that particularlyrealistic and I think that
learning to cope with stress canbe much better because we'll
(01:51):
just we'll never have no stress.
I mean because even if youlived alone on a deserted island
, you would have stress.
How do I get some fish?
I'm getting a lot of sunburns,like it's stressful.
I think that resilience can bea very beneficial piece because
(02:13):
it's nothing we learned inschool.
Sometimes you learn it from theschool of hard knocks and
having really bad things happento you and that's how you become
really resilient, because youmake it through those things.
But I do a four week course onresilience and really deep
diving into the literature.
There are a lot of differentpieces that go into building
(02:36):
resilience.
Today I want to talk aboutlearning to say no, and you may
be high fiving yourself, or youmay be high-fiving yourself, or
you may be hitting the stop playbutton because you're like, oh,
that's not possible for me.
Or you're like, slam dunk, I doit all the time.
But this can be very hard for alot of social reasons.
(03:01):
I'd say, certainly, as a woman,I was not brought up to say no,
I was brought up to do well inschool be cute, be quiet, out of
sight, definitely don't makeany waves, and learning to say
no would fit into the don't makeany waves portion.
(03:23):
To say no would fit into thedon't make any waves portion.
So the piece about it is itallows you to take some control
over certain parts of your life.
And when I talk about learningto say no, these aren't like
willy nilly oh, you know, it'dbe really fun.
(03:43):
It is a piece that, when yourhead is barely above water, it
can be essential to say nobecause you don't need to try to
carry something else whenyou're treading water.
It can also be a key to notgetting to a place where we are
(04:06):
treading water, especially ifyou've been in that place.
Hopefully you're like no, thankyou.
What contributed to me gettingthere and maybe over committing
was something that got you thereand you're trying to do
something different now.
A lot of talk around saying no Iwouldn't even say talk, I would
(04:27):
say self-talk around saying nois it feels selfish because you
were raised to be helpful andpolite and making things easier
on other people.
So saying no like talk aboutupsetting the apple cart Rude.
(04:48):
So the selfish narrative isdefinitely out there and at
times, saying no can actuallyallow you to try new things.
Maybe you have been doingsomething and you know it's not
working for you.
You want to try somethingdifferent, but you've got to say
no to that old thing to be ableto have the time, space,
(05:10):
bandwidth to try somethingdifferent.
Always saying yes is also notnecessarily healthy.
Certainly, we're raised to bepeople pleasers and worry about
other people's needs well infront of our own needs, which
can leave us burnt out,resentful, bitter, tired, like
(05:35):
definitely not at our bestbecause we're too busy making
sure everybody else is at theirbest, which doesn't serve anyone
.
Like, oh boy, here comes bitterHeather.
She's going to help me, but boyam I going to hear about it?
Blah, blah, blah.
So I think changing your ownnarrative, if you struggle with
it, that saying yes isn't alwaysa healthy choice for you,
(06:01):
because by default it does seemlike the best choice, but it's
not always.
Saying yes can kind of like behard because it affects other
people and you have to deal withtheir blowback.
Whether it's a guilt trip, it'sa woe is me, it's a anger Like
(06:25):
what am I supposed to do now?
Or somebody is keeping scoresomewhere and this is going to
get thrown in your face againlater.
I think those are very validreasons why it's hard to say no,
because who wants to listen toa guilt trip or, you know, have
the uncomfortable comments aboutthe fact that you're not being
(06:48):
helpful?
Nobody, nobody does.
But there can be consequencesto saying no.
But the bottom line really isif you don't take care of
yourself, who will?
Is, if you don't take care ofyourself, who will?
Because if you have had periodsof self-neglect, putting
(07:15):
everybody else first, didsomeone step in and say you know
what you are doing too much.
Let me handle a lot of this.
Go to the couch, grab yourselfa snack, relax, relax, watch a
movie?
No, no.
And that's what I find.
For many people who started tosay no, what they knew would
(07:36):
probably happen and that nobodywas going to step up to help
them was so disappointing,because it's one thing to
imagine like well, if I don't dothis, nobody will, and if I'm
not taking care of myself, likenobody's going to jump in and
help me.
So I have watched that play outin real time, where all of
(08:01):
those thoughts that were justthoughts are confirmed as facts
and that can be really painfuland hard to deal with.
I also always say yes, thatfact was a fact, because you
knew it was a fact.
You just never tested it to seeif it was a fact.
But we're smart and we havegood intuition and it is easy to
(08:25):
know when something is true.
So I've watched a lot of peopleeither unload some
responsibility and then justpouting Like there's a lot of
you know.
Woe is me.
I have to do more things,because saying no to certain
(08:47):
people or things like doesn'tbenefit them.
It makes their life quoteunquote harder.
That they just haveresponsibility, which, when
somebody is crying about havingresponsibility, I don't have a
ton of empathy for that Becauselike uh-huh, yeah, we all have
responsibilities.
So let's dive into when to sayno.
(09:10):
Well, that was more of a why tosay no.
Most of the time there's alittle voice.
Whether you're listening tothat voice or not, there's a
little voice that's like uh, notanother thing, like I can't do
it.
I just can't do it.
And then we're like shh, bequiet.
(09:33):
I've got to say yes here, butfocusing on what matters the
most, which I absolutely think,if I am of service to my family
and my work, I really do need tobe my best self Because, again,
(09:53):
if I'm like kind of sulky orangry or really burnt out and
not connected to my emotions atall.
That doesn't hurt, help anybody.
I would definitely not be thegreatest partner or mother or
employee, but, most importantly,I'm just not happy and I think
(10:19):
being able to focus on like whatit is that matters can be
helpful and me feeling like Ican breathe, feeling like I'm
not spinning 16 plates and I'mresponsible for all of those
plates and if one comes crashingdown, I didn't do a good job.
Like that's pressure.
(10:40):
So you can weigh the yes tostress ratio.
So if I because there arethings like that might feel like
that and you're like, oh, Ireally want to do this, so okay,
well, what is saying yes, goingto cost me in stress, is this
(11:01):
something that I thought that Icould do and I want to enjoy?
But now I'm so overwhelmed Iactually can't and the thing
that I wanted to do feels veryrestrictive to me.
So I think that's always a goodarea to look at Because also,
it gives you the option of like,oh, I really want to do this
(11:23):
thing.
Maybe there's something elsethat I'm not going to do.
So I might take down a spinningplate to make room for the
spinning plate, taking guilt outof the equation.
(12:04):
I will say it's always very easyfor me to see who grew up in a
guilt like, guilt orientedhousehold, like because who's
got the button.
And I will say I had it in someways, but not in others.
It it wasn't the ruling emotionin my house because I was
already acquiescing and doingeverything, trying to do it,
while trying to be good, tryingto stay off the radar.
So I didn't have to experienceit very much when I did like
hang on to your hats.
But I think, luckily for me, mymom is so out of control it
(12:26):
almost I don't want to say itwasn't funny.
And it wasn't funny to 15 yearold Heather, that's for sure,
but it was so over the top itdidn't really ping me as like I
should feel guilty about this.
It was more of like she haslost it, like she, because when
(12:47):
my mom is like ranting it'sreally hard to like tune in and
like make sense of any of it.
But it didn't make me feelguilty.
It made me think that shereally had lost it and was
mentally unwell, which wasusually the case.
Do you feel like thedo-it-yourself approach to
(13:08):
improving your healthy habitsdoes nothing except feel
overwhelming, guilt-inducing anddefeating.
You don't need more rules,influencers or structured
programs.
Let me help you discover whatyou want, what works for you and
how to maintain healthy habitsduring the ever-changing
circumstances of your life.
If you're ready to createsystems that stick head to
(13:31):
heathersayerslaymancom backslashhealth dash coaching and click
let's do it.
Let's do it.
So again, many people have grownup in different religious
institutions that use guilt forcontrol, households and parents
(13:51):
that use guilt for compliance,and it doesn't go away Like that
guilt button.
You certainly can get so muchbetter, but when, and especially
when I hear people talk aboutit, they're like it's so
frightening for them to dosomething that's going to elicit
guilt.
I don't feel like we can havean episode with my kids, but I
(14:13):
don't feel like I use guilt.
It's just sort of not, becauseit wasn't used on me, so it's
really not something that I use.
I will say their father uses itand, um, I think at this point,
at 21 and 23, they're more kindof eye rolly about it.
(14:34):
One is more likely to acquiesce, um, the other one, he's's got
no Fs to give.
He's like, wow, bummer, youfeel bad about this.
If he had a button.
He dismantled it.
It doesn't work.
But that guilt piece I thinkalways understanding this is
(14:56):
being used to control me.
This is being used to make medo something that I don't want
to do, and that person isperfectly fine with me doing
something that I don't like todo, and that is that is the
biggest message I get from.
Guilt is it's not about you, Idon't care what you want, I
(15:18):
don't care how you want to do it, I want you to do this.
And when you start framing itthat way, it can be very helpful
to motivate to either notacquiesce or to do something
completely different, becauseonce you start realizing that
(15:39):
they don't care about you, itmakes it easier to say no.
So back to when to say no.
I think sleeping on it can bereally helpful.
I feel like there is some autoresponse that we feel like we
need to tell this person rightaway that when we're asked to do
something so you know, if mykids in school and somebody is
(16:03):
like, hey, we really need helpwith a vinyl, the Valentine's
Day party, like, whatever it is,somebody needs to cover the
driveway, we need money raised,whatever it could feel very on
the spot and which most time itis on the spot.
And I think most people areexpecting you to reply right
(16:24):
away and you don't have to.
You can absolutely have acouple of things in your back
pocket that you sort of memorizeso that you don't have to
automatically like commit or notcommit, so you can say let me
get back to you and they mightsay, okay, I need to know by
(16:45):
this time.
Like okay, but just using thatas like a way to not
automatically kind of knee jerkcommit or let me check on a
couple of things before I commit.
So I just always have one ofthe two.
I usually just say like oh, letme get back to you on that, but
(17:06):
let me check a couple of things.
Like whatever it is that'scomfortable for you to say and
easy for you to remember to sayin that moment can help you then
better assess what you havegoing on, so that you're not
forgetting about something.
Because you know theValentine's Day party like maybe
(17:26):
that's when you know you haveto see your GI doctor, or maybe
that's when you know you'resupposed to be presenting
something at work it's just nota good time for you.
So having that pause then letsyou really evaluate the
situation, weigh your yes tostress ratio and see if yes is
(17:50):
going to cost you too much.
See if, like, oh my gosh, Ilove Valentine's Day.
I'm so excited, I really wantto do this.
What else is it I can try toget off of my plate so that I'm
able to do this, but it givesyou time.
And I think it's also empoweringbecause the guilt button
(18:12):
absolutely has urgency in it,because if somebody is like
laying out the guilt trip, likeit feels like I'm supposed to
say something now I feel like Ishould be doing something, which
that doing something could besaying yeah, let me check out a
couple of things and I'll getback to you.
(18:33):
So how to say no?
Doesn't this hurt in ourtummies a little bit, I think.
So I believe that theexpectation that I'm just going
to be able to say no I did itonce and now I'm off to the
races is faulty.
I think that whatever guiltbuttons or now I'm being bad,
(19:01):
I'm not part of the pack, I'mgoing to get thrown out of the
tribe, like all of these thingscan absolutely be going through
your head, because they're allpotential outcomes as well.
But what I certainly know, andespecially about women, is we
like to overshare because wedon't want that person to be mad
(19:24):
?
I think an empowering practicecan be to tighten up that
message, because sometimesyou're in an area where
oversharing like people need orwant to hear your full-blown
explanation, need or want tohear your full blown explanation
Sometimes people don't care andthen you're just kind of going
(19:45):
on and it seems a littledisempowering to be, you know,
over explaining why, as an adult, we're going to make a
different choice, and I thinkthat's very hard to get away.
Being brief can be reallychallenging.
So when it comes to saying no,you can just say no.
(20:07):
So let's just say you took apause, you know, let me get back
to you, and then you can sayit's really just not going to
work out for me.
You could say no, but you canhave a one sentence answer and
again, maybe it's one that youhave rehearsed and you've gotten
used to and it's really up toyou.
(20:28):
Do you want to text it?
Do you want to email it?
Do you want to say it to thatperson?
But being able to just be briefabout it I think is good.
I think, being honest, have Imade up things to get out of
other things 100%.
(20:48):
Do I feel like a toddler when Ido it 100%?
This can also depend on howmuch emotional bandwidth you
have, because maybe you don'thave a lot and you're like I'm
going to use it.
Yeah, you know, my kid's got anappointment, so can't do it.
You know, like, so I get it andI understand why we do that.
(21:10):
I think it can be helpful as apractice to be honest.
Also, your honesty mightliberate somebody else to be
honest, and I think it's alwaysbest for ourselves to be honest
with ourselves and others.
I think there is not always abig welcome sign for that too,
(21:34):
because now you're just tellingme like you're just exhausted,
so you can't do this, like, hmm,and to give somebody the
opportunity who is exhausted tobe like, oh my gosh, I heard her
say she was exhausted and shejust couldn't do it Like, so can
I do that?
Because absolutely a lot ofthings don't occur to people.
(21:57):
They didn't grow up in anenvironment where it was
empowering to say what you werethinking and to be honest.
So it's really like flexing awhole new muscle.
I think being respectful isimportant and that might be like
thank you so much for thinkingof me.
This seems like a greatopportunity.
(22:19):
And no, but it's an and andI've got this big presentation
work.
I just can't miss it.
So I think being respectfulcertainly sets a tone, because
saying no isn't disrespectfuland I think being honest is
(22:47):
actually respectful.
But you can also throw in somegood words, should you want to.
Do you have to Nope, you reallycan just say no.
What I know about saying no topeople who are not interested in
your no is that you might be,might need to be very ready to
(23:09):
repeat this If you are creatingsome sort of boundary around
something or trying to preservesome time for yourself, preserve
some more time for your family,preserve some more time for
your cat.
Like it's really what you thinkis important and, you know,
(23:31):
like I said before, likefocusing on what matters the
most.
Maybe you haven't seen your catvery much, you know, maybe you
got a new feather toy.
You really want to play with it.
But being ready to repeat thismessage of no, sometimes you get
pushback.
Sometimes people are so aghastthat you said no, that they
(23:53):
don't have any pushback at thatmoment, but you bet you they
will.
They kind of work up to it upto it and I think that some
people don't necessarily havethe self-awareness to know that
you did already say no and nowthat they're being kind of rude
(24:14):
asking you again.
There are lots of reasons.
Things can boomerang around andyou can go with the same no
that you went with the firsttime.
I think.
I think it's better to not beshocked that somebody did not
respect your no.
(24:34):
Um, because now you're eitherpassing on lightning their load
or you're passing on somethingthat would be extremely helpful
to them and that feels all kindsof yuck and you just might not
have the bandwidth to do it, youmight not want to do it.
(24:56):
You know these are all verycomplex and nuanced, so there is
no kind of rule book for howyou can do it, why you should do
it or how it all plays out,because you have to really
figure out what works for you indelivering a message and what
your priorities are.
(25:17):
So, in the how to say no, sayno, be brief, be honest, be
respectful and be ready torepeat.
That can be your starter kit.
Maybe you're a master of no, buthopefully those different
points give you something tothink about.
(25:39):
That.
Give you something to thinkabout that.
Maybe you're at a place whereit just feels impossible to say
no because you're the bad guy,or you know you get cut out of
other stuff, people are talkingabout you and all those things
absolutely might be true.
Being in a place where you knowwho you are, you know what
(26:01):
you've got going on, you knowyour ability to get things done
or not getting done and gettingmore comfortable with saying no
can be very beneficial toyourself, to your cat, to your
family All of those things arevery true.
(26:21):
I just think it really takespractice and just knowing that
going in like I'm going to dothis and I'm going to be super
uncomfortable and the next 10times I do it maybe I'm still
super uncomfortable, and maybethe next 100, you're super
uncomfortable and you havewatched out for yourself and
(26:43):
allowed you to focus on whatmatters the most.
Good luck to you.
You can always leave me feedback.
You can send me a DM onInstagram at Heather
Sayers-Layman or reach out on mywebsite, heathersayerslaymancom
.
Slash backslash contact andthere's a little form.
You can let me know how it goeswith your new found knownness.
(27:05):
Take care.
Thanks so much for listeningtoday.
Do you know what would bereally fun If you popped over to
my Instagram at Heather SayersLehman and dropped me a DM and
let me know what topics you wantme to cover.
Something bugging you,something holding you up?
Please just let me know and Iwill tweak some content and get
(27:26):
an episode out just for you.
As always, please follow, showor you can leave a five-star
review on apple or spotify.
That would be fun too.
See you in the next episode.
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