May 1, 2024 • 36 mins
Sometimes, you find yourself the only one crying at brunch. 😭
Everyone else seems happy with their work, but you're answering calls, crying out of frustration, and being overwhelmed.
Not anymore!!!
Laura Zeyen joins me again today to discuss how setting work boundaries was an emotional game-changer for her.
She shares her experience of reclaiming personal space by establishing firm boundaries in her work and personal lives with family and friends.
We often carry the weight of work stress silently, allowing it to spill into our personal lives and relationships.
We discuss everything from realizing where and when we need to implement boundaries to finding resources such as therapy, support from friends and families, and journaling to finally exercising the muscle of implementing and practicing boundaries.
By the end of the episode, I hope you can relate to Laura's journey and walk away with some tools to start working on boundaries in your life.
…..
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
And I think it took a while for me to realize, oh
wait, like I don't have to likego above and beyond and I can
still just go in and do my joband I can leave and walk away
and at the end of the night Idon't have to worry about
anybody messaging me at 11o'clock at night to talk through
something or ask a question,and because of that I think that
(00:20):
I am a better teacher and I amdefinitely a better partner and
definitely a better familymember and friend.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
Hi and welcome to the Air ReBreathe, finding
wellbeing that works for you.
I'm your host, HeatherSayers-Layman.
I'm a National Board CertifiedHealth and Wellness Coach,
Certified Intuitive EatingCounselor and Certified Personal
Trainer.
I help you get organized andconsistent with healthy habits,
without rules, obsession orexhaustion.
This podcast may contain talkabout eating disorders and
(00:53):
disordered eating.
There could also be some adultlanguage here.
Choose wisely.
If those are problematic foryou are problematic for you.
Hi, everyone, and welcome tothis episode of the air we
breathe.
(01:18):
Today I'm bringing Laura backand Laura has worked with me for
we do this, have done thisbefore seven years or could be
six years, and I'm always happyto have Laura around and we talk
like this all the time.
So I like doing an episodebecause then it's really just
like us having a conversation.
And today we're talking aboutboundaries.
So the whole process thatLaura's gone through from
(01:44):
realizing I need a boundary toestablishing a boundary, to
maintaining or tweaking aboundary.
So we're just going to reallygo through Laura's process,
because I always think thatboundaries can certainly be
daunting, but then hearing howsomebody else did it can be
really helpful.
(02:05):
Laura, do you want to do alittle, Laura?
Bio?
Speaker 1 (02:09):
Yes, so yeah, I think that we established that it was
seven years last time, but I'mgoing to say that and then go
back to the last podcast andthen it's going to be completely
wrong.
So I live in Chicago and I am adance educator here at two
different studios.
I live in Chicago and I am adance educator here at two
different studios, and then Ialso work for Heather.
I live here with my husband,matt, and our dog, chance, and
(02:33):
yeah, I am excited to talk aboutboundaries today.
Speaker 2 (02:35):
Yeah, and I always think it's helpful because
people know that I'm an elderI'm 53, but that you are from a
different generation and which Ialways think is also
interesting with behavior change, because you are 30, getting
ready to be 31.
Yeah, look at me, look at me acouple weeks away.
(02:57):
All right, well, let's justdive in and I've got a couple of
questions for you.
So what made you think that youneeded more or better
boundaries?
Speaker 1 (03:09):
Okay, so I was working at my old for my old
employer and, um, just kind ofsome background on just being a
dance teacher.
Anyway, I feel like theboundaries are just different
when you enter into that worldthan you have with other jobs,
just from my personalunderstanding of what I do and
(03:32):
what other people do.
So the boundaries are kind ofmore loose because you don't
have these set hours from likeyou go into the office at nine
and you work and then you getoff and then you go home.
I do a lot of my planningthroughout the day, so I'm
working throughout the day hereand there, and then I go in and
(03:54):
I teach at night.
So I was working for my oldstudio and I started noticing
that I had way too much, orpeople had too much, access to
me.
So my employer had too muchaccess to me, the parents had
too much access to me, mystudents had my phone number and
(04:16):
were able to text and call me,which was not my job's fault.
It was my fault because I was ayounger teacher coming into
this job.
I think when I started there Iwas 24, 23, 24.
So I wanted to be that teacherthat was approachable and there
(04:37):
for all of my kids and there forthe parents and there for my
boss, and always saying yes, yes, yes to everything, because I
thought that that's what made agood employee.
I wanted to be the perfectemployee that said yes and was
able to do everything.
When I realized that I reallyneeded to start setting
boundaries, I started noticingthat I was in a constant state
(05:01):
of worry when I was not at workbecause I what if someone texted
me and reached out to me orsent me a message on our, on our
app?
That is like for parents andstudents to get ahold of anybody
in the company, um or throughemail, and I wasn't near my
phone to answer that question.
Or I would answer questionswhile I was out and about and
(05:22):
away from my computer and said,yes, I'll get, I'll get back to
you on that.
And then I would forgetquestions while I was out and
about and away from my computerand said, yes, I'll get, I'll
get back to you on that.
And then I would forget to dothat because I had so many
things going on and I was.
I was taking on too much.
I I think that I was had arelationship with my previous
boss that was too friendly.
(05:43):
Previous boss that was toofriendly.
It was beyond just like a bossand an employee.
It was like she could reach mewhenever she wanted, I could
reach her whenever I wanted andthere was no boundary there.
So I realized pretty quicklythat something needed to change,
but I wasn't sure what.
Speaker 2 (06:04):
So it was an overarching anxiety that you
were feeling.
Speaker 1 (06:10):
Absolutely.
It was just.
Everyone was able to talk to meat any time and especially, I
think, all those boundaries kindof went out the window.
If there were any looseboundaries to begin with, it
went out the window during COVIDtoo, because we were all home
and we wanted to stay connectedwith our kids and no and let the
(06:31):
parents know, like, we're stillhere for your kids, because I
know this is a hard time forthem.
And it became a thing where,even if we weren't fully
reachable before, we weredefinitely reachable in the
pandemic, because what are wedoing?
We're not doing anything likethey can.
They can call us whenever theywant or they can text us
whenever they want, and that wasit very quickly became a thing
(06:52):
that was not manageable.
Speaker 2 (06:54):
And also what I hear you saying, which I think is so
common, is why you are anxiousin the first place, because
you're worried about what peopleare going to think.
You want people to think thatyou're great.
You need to be perceived asperfect and likable and helpful.
And I have two sons and I havenot heard them talk about that
(07:19):
in any job or position they'vehad and it always just feels so
gendered and it's absolutely not.
There are certainly men whofeel like that, but I would say
that's less common than for awoman to be like okay, so I've
got to do this great.
And even of the interns thatI've had, like they're so
nervous about starting theirfirst job because they have to
(07:43):
pick the perfect job, aboutstarting their first job,
because they have to pick theperfect job, like they don't
want to start something thatisn't like the job and they have
to show up in a certain way.
So do you think all of that foryou is just more general social
conditioning of who you thoughtyou need to show up?
Speaker 1 (07:59):
as Absolutely.
I think.
As young girls, we're taught tobe polite and to say yes and be
accommodating to people.
So I think that going into thiswas my first I'd say this was
my first job out of college.
I applied at two differentstudios and I started working at
(08:24):
both of those studios at thesame time and one I was doing a
lot more for, I was moreinvolved with and I wanted to
show them that I am able to doeverything.
I I will say yes to everything.
I I'm going to accommodate yourschedule to make it like, make
it fit mine, even if it didn't,and I made a lot of sacrifices
there.
So I I definitely think thatit's a lot of how we, like kind
(08:50):
of society conditions us to be,as we grow up, to like be this,
this polite, accommodatingperson in all aspects of our
life, not just our jobs.
Speaker 2 (09:01):
So what was the outcome that you were looking
for?
Hmm.
Speaker 1 (09:05):
So what was the outcome that you were looking
for?
So I, like I said earlier, Irealized that there was
something wrong and I needed tomake a shift.
But I specifically rememberbeing out with my friends and we
were, all you know, just makingsmall talk about our jobs how
are things going?
And I just full on startedsobbing about my job and having
a breakdown there at the table.
(09:26):
Everyone was like, okay, and Ithink that that's when I
realized, okay, I've number onetaken on too much.
I don't have clear boundaries.
Because I think that peoplewere probably reaching out to me
that day because we're gettingready for the season to start.
It was over the summer, for theseason to start.
(09:47):
It was over the summer and Ilooked around at my friends
sitting there at the table and Iwanted the peace that they had
with their job.
I wanted the separation thatthey had with their jobs.
I almost envied them that theywere able to just leave work at
work.
So I was like, okay, somethingneeds to change and need to
figure this out.
So I I actually it's kind ofironic, I guess, but my job that
(10:09):
I was working for actually gotme connected with a therapist
because I kind of had abreakdown and then again at a
work event.
It was not great, I was not ina good place and my boss said I
have this great therapist thatyou can talk to.
I'll get you connected with herand I'm very thankful for that
(10:29):
and I'm also very thankful forthe opportunities that I had at
this past job and theconnections that I made at this
past job.
I just don't think that it wasthe right fit for me like to
continue there.
So I know that with therapy itis expensive and it's a
privilege to be able to go totherapy, and I know that there
are some cheaper options outthere, like for some online
(10:52):
therapy, and I'm very lucky thatI got connected with this
person.
But it was very expensive atthe time because I didn't have
health insurance that wouldcover it.
So I had to make the decisionto only go once a month, like
this is all I can afford.
I can only go once a month.
It wasn is all I can afford.
I can only go once a month.
It wasn't ideal because I thinkthat I would have benefited
from a lot more.
It would be great if therapywas more accessible, that people
(11:15):
could go every week if theyfelt like they needed to, and I
think it would benefit everyoneto be able to have an outlet
like that to talk to.
But yeah, I started going totherapy once a month and started
working with her on,specifically, boundary setting
and figuring out what I wantedfrom my job and my unhappiness
(11:38):
in my job and what that lookslike for my future staying there
, not staying there, findingsomething new, doing something
completely different and notonly did she help me with job
stuff, but it was also like lifestuff that was going on too.
I mean, I failed to mentionthat during this entire time I
was also planning a wedding.
(11:58):
Like that's stressful as well.
So I mean, it was a lot ofthings, but I think that the
majority of the things that werecausing me the stress was the
job that I was in.
Speaker 2 (12:08):
Yeah, so which probably I'm assuming did it eat
into a little of your joy forwedding planning?
Speaker 1 (12:18):
Absolutely, absolutely, I think, because I
was planning other aspects ofjob things and then I would like
you know I would be off theclock and planning things for
the wedding.
It just felt like it all kindof meshed together and became
this mess of so much happeningand so many decisions to be made
and it just felt too much andthen I'm assuming it was
(12:43):
impactful.
Speaker 2 (12:44):
Like for Matt, was he like?
So is this what we'll be doingwith the crying and the breaking
down at brunch, or exactlyexactly he was.
Speaker 1 (12:54):
He was definitely a person that was like I think
therapy would be great.
I think that this would be agreat opportunity for you to
talk to someone, because he wasvery helpful and talking through
things.
But there's only so much yourpartner can do like they can.
They can talk through thingswith you and they can give give
you their opinion on things, andI know that Matt and I both do
(13:18):
this to each other.
Like Matt will tell mesomething, I'll be like uh-huh,
and then my therapist will tellme.
I'm like say, more that'samazing.
Same thing like I'll tell Mattcertain things and then I'll be
like so my therapist told methis today and I was like I
literally just said this lastweek, but it's nice to hear that
from an outside person, forsure.
Speaker 2 (13:40):
Yeah, I think the objectivity is so helpful to
also you know they've gone toschool for this and they have
like different ways of saying itthat you probably even think
it's your idea.
You're like oh well, justoccurred to me, did it?
Right, right, and I think thatyou know, obviously in all the
(14:04):
courses that we do, we talkabout like sort of the you know
what are the causes of yourbasically emotional distress,
like what are the costs of it,and when you're looking to
implement boundaries, looking atthe costs I think is very
helpful.
And a lot of people like no, no, I'm fine.
But to say like, yeah, this iscausing a little bit of concern.
(14:28):
Matt has to worry about me morethan I would like him to.
And then also like I'mdistracted and when I'm bawling
at brunch, like maybe my friendsaren't having as good of a time
, or like to look at the globalpieces that are happening that
(14:51):
if you really step back you cansee, but when you're in it,
obviously it's really difficultto see all the impacts.
Speaker 1 (14:59):
Absolutely.
I didn't really see it when Iwas in it until, like, taking a
step back and looking at it,because even something happened
where we were on spring breakfor the studio and I was back
home visiting with my dad and mystepmom and my sister was there
and the we released teams forthe upcoming season.
(15:23):
So the following season wereleased them in the spring so
that they can start trainingover the summer, but they hadn't
finished their season yettechnically and so we released
those before spring break, sothey had all of spring break
just to kind of take it all in.
And we knew there would be someupset people because we were
changing it up from what we'ddone in years past.
And anytime there's any kind ofchange, people panic me
(15:46):
included.
I'm not a kind of change.
People panic me included.
I'm not like a fan of change.
And I got a call from one of mydancers upset and I took the
call and, looking back on it, Ishould not have taken the call
because I should have said giveit some time, we can talk about
this when we're back.
But I took the call because I Ithought that that was my way of
(16:08):
showing how much I cared, but Ithink that it was taking away
from my happiness and my timewith my family.
And the students would havestill been just fine had we just
waited a couple days and Icould have called them back the
next day and just said hey, I'mbusy with my family, let's talk
tomorrow.
I know you're upset, it's goingto be OK, and left it there.
(16:29):
But I took the call instead andmy sister was very upset with
me and at the time I did notunderstand why.
But looking back on it she wasright.
Speaker 2 (16:37):
You were right, molly well, I think that that's why
it's so hard to see, like whenyou're in the middle of it too,
and then even when you start tomake some like teeny, tiny
changes or like, oh, um, yeah, Ididn't realize, and that's why
I think, having sort of aprocess where you make yourself
(17:00):
realize, like you know in whatway because even like Alcoholics
Anonymous, they have a fishbowlI don't know if they still did
this I did this with my mom and,like, through the process, it
was my opportunity to tell herall the ways that her alcohol
dependency had affected me,which talk about you.
(17:23):
You know your desire to belikable and pleasant, like, oh,
you'd like me to sit and eat agame with my mom and tell her,
but like she needed to realizelike this wasn't just impacting
her.
So right, and I think sometimes, especially like a sister, it's
hard to get feedback like thatbecause, like you're always
complaining or whatever it is wesay about our siblings.
Speaker 1 (17:48):
Right, exactly, exactly.
Speaker 2 (17:55):
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So were there any otherresources other than therapy
that you found helpful to startmaking some changes?
Speaker 1 (18:41):
I think, listening to my family members, so like
really trying to hear Molly andlike think about it after the
fact and what she was saying,and um, and then once I got a
lot of these tools in therapy.
So it's hard to like say that Igot it from anywhere else, but
just like realizing that onceI'm done at work, turning off my
(19:04):
phone and like, okay, we're notgoing to check the phone until
tomorrow when it's time to lookat work stuff again.
I know that I turned to myfriends as well, especially my
friends that I was working withat that same place, and they
were going through the samething.
So it felt better to talk tothem about those things, because
(19:25):
they were dealing with it too,rather than to go to Matt and
tell him for the fifth night ina row I'm still having a
terrible time here.
It was better to like go to afriend and say, like how are you
dealing with this?
Because you don't seem as ascompletely spread thin and
stressed out as I do, like whatdo you do in this situation when
(19:48):
, like this is asked of you?
So I think like turning to likeyour group and your people that
are in your life, like in yourcorner, whether it's a family
member or a friend.
I know I don't want to likeburden them with everything,
because I know that like it canbe really hard to like say, here
are all the things that aregoing on, and like it can feel
(20:09):
very much like whoa, I don'tknow how to help you with this,
like from the other perspective.
But even just asking them, doyou have the space to listen to
me?
You don't have to help me, youjust can.
I need someone to just listenand hear me out with what I'm
dealing with.
Speaker 2 (20:25):
Well, what do you suggest for someone that's
feeling kind of squishy or weirdon the inside about setting
boundaries?
Speaker 1 (20:33):
I think, doing some of the things well if it's work
related.
Some of the things that I did,I did turn off my phone, I muted
notifications on my app and Igave myself specific times to
check the app to see what wasgoing on with the studio.
So I ended up leaving my oldplace and starting at a new
company and I know that noteveryone gets the opportunity to
(20:55):
leave their current situation,their current job, and start
somewhere new.
But I was able to set newboundaries their current job and
start somewhere new.
But I was able to set newboundaries, set boundaries from
the beginning there and I nevergave my number out to any of the
students.
I the accessibility of my emailwith parents is not there and
that has a lot to do with mycurrent boss.
(21:17):
She takes on a lot of thatstuff and the communications
with parents.
I have my app muted from thebeginning, mostly because when a
birthday goes off, everyone'slike happy birthday.
It's text after text.
I'm like I can't, so it's mutedand I have a certain day that I
go in, like a couple days aweek that I go in and check it,
(21:38):
make sure I don't have anymessages, and that has helped a
lot.
But if you are staying at yourcurrent place, it is harder to
work backwards on thoseboundaries when there aren't any
in place.
But it can be done and it mayjust be more of a gradual thing.
And I think it starts a lotwith having open communication
(22:00):
with your boss and saying here'swhat was happening before,
here's what I'm going to bedoing now.
And it can be a hardconversation, I know, but if
it's for your peace and yoursanity, I think it's worth it to
have those tough conversations.
Speaker 2 (22:19):
Well, what did you do Because I'm assuming, when you
started having boundaries, like,your voice on the inside was
like oh my gosh, everybody'sgoing to hate us, they're gonna
think I'm being ridiculous Likewhat did you do to try to work
with or quell that anxiety?
Speaker 1 (22:38):
I think for me I showed up, I think, more in my
classes with my kids.
I think I had more to give inmy classes.
It took a while to realize thatbecause at first I was
definitely there and I was like,oh my gosh, even at the very
beginning I would sometimes textmy boss.
I'm like what can I do?
(22:59):
What can I do?
Like trying to put myself outthere.
And she was like I've got ithandled, like it's okay.
And I think it took a while forme to realize, oh wait, like I
don't have to like go above andbeyond and I can still just go
in and do my job and I can leaveand walk away and at the end of
the night I don't have to worryabout anybody messaging me at
(23:21):
11 o'clock at night to talkthrough something or ask a
question.
And because of that I thinkthat I am a better teacher and
I'm definitely a better partnerand definitely a better family
member and friend.
But it was definitely.
It was hard at the beginningbecause there are, like there's
(23:41):
that voice in your head that islike, oh, you're not doing like
what you were doing before.
And I took a lot of workthrough that in therapy as well.
I talked a lot with mytherapist about it and it was a
lot of her asking, okay, like,what kind of relationship do you
want with the kids?
What kind of relationship doyou want with your boss?
It clearly wasn't workingbefore.
(24:03):
So now, how are we going to makethis work?
And maybe it is working, maybeit's just different and, like I
said before, not a fan of change.
So when it started changingeven though it was changing for
the better I was starting topanic a little bit.
But then like really steppingback and be like, no, the
relationships are better now allacross the board More.
It's like that whole quantityversus quality thing, like the
(24:26):
quality of my engagements withthe people that I'm around are
so much better.
I, even though I'm notcontacting everybody, and like
being in contact with them allthe time.
Speaker 2 (24:38):
I think that it's important for people, especially
if they're anticipating achange, to know you're not going
to be like, oh, this is amazing.
I'm so glad I did this, becausewhen you make a change, if you
weren't sure, kind of what theinner voices were going to say,
now you know, because they willstart chiming in and then I feel
(25:04):
like that's at leastdirectional, like here's
actually what I think, evensubconsciously, and what can I
do with that and try to dealwith that versus, you know, kind
of like a moving stuff aroundon the outside of like, what are
these beliefs that I have herethat maybe I need to amend or
(25:27):
look at or replace, becausethose beliefs are what is really
driving my behavior in thefirst place.
Speaker 1 (25:36):
Right and actually taking the time, like we talked
about in the last episode, likewhat, what works for me?
And like what do I actuallywant?
And like that is so hard to askyourself.
I think because a lot of times,like we talked about earlier,
we're trying to accommodateother people and it's okay to
accommodate yourself and setthose boundaries up so that
(25:59):
you're you are taken care of.
So then, like the whole puttingyour mask on before you put it
on, everyone else like it.
There is so much truth in that,in all aspects of our life.
Speaker 2 (26:09):
So well, and I love that you started doing that.
Younger than certainly many tomost certainly myself, um, did
that?
I was.
I used to be very nice andaccommodating, and now my inner
circle will probably be like isis she, though?
(26:30):
So is there anywhere else thatyou're thinking about
implementing boundaries?
Speaker 1 (26:41):
um, I think that after everything with work, I
started to implement moreboundaries within just like all
aspects of my life.
So my friends, my family, mypartner I think with a partner,
just having open communicationabout what your needs are, um, a
lot of times I know that Mattand I, it was hard at first when
(27:06):
we were adjusting to theschedule of like him working
during the day and then I'd comehome at night and then when I
first would get home, we wouldwant to talk about our days and
he would definitely want to talkabout our days.
But, like, sometimes, likeafter teaching all night, I
would need just like some quietand not need to talk about it.
So, like saying that up front,I I can't have a full
(27:30):
conversation at 10 o'clock whenI come home, like let's talk a
little bit in the car on our wayhome and then when once we're
home, it's more just like youcan tell me a little bit about
your day, but please don'texpect too much of me because I
don't think I have very much togive after teaching all night.
It's definitely gotten betternow that my work situations are
better, but having that openconversation, like open
(27:53):
communication with a partner andthen with family and friends,
like if there are certain thingsthat I can't do with my friends
whether it's because I'm tryingto save money or I just have
way too much going on this weekbeing really open and honest
about that and saying I don'thave the bandwidth for this this
week, can we reschedule, can wedo this another day?
(28:13):
And then that kind of goesalong the same lines as family.
It's hard with our family beingLike Matt's family is two and a
half hours away, my family isthree to four hours away, and
having to say like no, we can'tcome back home for these certain
things.
I know it's important to youbut it doesn't make sense for us
(28:34):
right now and we'll try to makeit for the next one.
Let's plan ahead and figurethose things out and working
through those things with family.
But I think boundaries in allaspects of our life is so good,
but I mean, with anything thatwe do, it's going to fluctuate,
like sometimes you're going tohave really great boundaries.
You're like I am the next, likemonth you're going to be like
(28:55):
wow, where are all my boundaries?
Where did they go?
So it's a, it's a learningcurve for sure.
Speaker 2 (29:02):
I think you're really good at boundaries with work,
because I try to like justyesterday we were talking about
what I would consider like a bigproject for both of us you know
, a new software system, and youwere like June, I'll have a lot
of time and have a lot ofenergy, which for me is like
(29:22):
it's just information, like Idon't view that as like oh well,
laura's too busy until June,but it's like okay, so then I
know how to plan around whenyou'll be available.
So then, yeah, okay, I'll tinkerwith it more first and then
I'll have a better idea of whatyou can do with it later.
(29:43):
But I always consider like Idon't know, like your boundaries
just feel like facts of likeyeah, tied up, like you know,
definitely not going to do it, Ican keep, and you even said
like I can keep doing this otherthing, and then when it comes
time and then I'm done theseason, it's like oh, that's
(30:06):
great and I think it's superhelpful.
And I know that you probablyhad glitches with people who
don't want to hear what you'resaying, I assume oh, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (30:18):
And I think that for people that don't have
boundaries in their life, whensomeone, when you give a
boundary to them, their initiallike reaction is like to take it
personally and think like, oh,this is like a personal thing,
um, but like you said, if theycan take it as fact and it's
(30:38):
just like, these are the factslaid out, this has nothing to do
.
This is not a personal attackon you or anything like that.
And sometimes like settingboundaries right off the bat and
saying like, this is nothingpersonal, this is everything to
do.
This is not a personal attackon you or anything like that.
And sometimes like settingboundaries right off the bat and
saying like this is nothingpersonal, this is everything to
do with me and I.
I just need this, this space orthis time or whatever it is
that you're asking for, and youcan't.
(30:59):
You can only control the waythat you react to that situation
.
You cannot control what otherswill do when they're given a
boundary, but if they choose tobreak that boundary, then you
can decide okay, maybe I need toput a little bit more space
with this situation and I mean,I think that's what I had to do
with my, my last job.
I just don't think theboundaries were going to be
(31:23):
respected, even after asking forthem.
So it's like it's time, my timeis done.
Nothing personal, it's just.
I got to move on.
Speaker 2 (31:32):
Yeah, and I just did an episode which will have come
out by the time this comes outon saying no.
So even in those, if somebodycalls you, I'm like hey, can you
come home?
That you can say you know what,let me look at my calendar and
get back with you.
If you're feeling like so underthe gun and like oh, I have to
(31:54):
decide now, but you canabsolutely be like and I think a
lot of couples like that let mecheck with Matt, you know, but
it gives you time so you're notlike flustered or trying to
figure out how to say no which Ithink it's easier but just
asking that, or not reallyasking, but just saying like let
(32:16):
me get back and then again,like that feels like no harm, no
foul too Cause that again it'sjust information and then you
can either call them, text them,like whatever you want to do.
To clarify that I definitelycan't do it this weekend.
Here are a list of otherweekends that will work.
Speaker 1 (32:35):
I think that's another thing too, like giving
you know, not just being like.
I feel like boundaries areeasier when you don't just give
like a full-on, like no, whichis perfectly acceptable.
You can definitely no, likethis is not what's happening,
but also being like no.
However, here, are some otheroptions and like laying out
other options.
So it's like it's a little biteasier if you still want to be
(32:57):
accommodating, which deep downin my soul, I'm still like, okay
, but let me try to beaccommodating in another way,
even though I can't accommodatethat this time boundaries, but
(33:27):
then that you're able to focuson.
Speaker 2 (33:28):
You know, like Matt and I've been better in this way
, or I've enjoyed my studentsmore in this way, because I
think always you know, we alwaystalk about the costs and causes
, but like the feelings that youwanted, like you have more of
those.
So I don't know if you do orhave thought about, like how do
I really look at these greatresults?
I've gotten to keep myselfmotivated to making more of
(33:49):
these choices for myself.
Speaker 1 (33:53):
Yeah, absolutely.
I feel like I journal a lotabout it and so sometimes it's
fun to like look back on yourjournal entries like from like
months ago where the boundarieswere not in place, and then you
look at like you're writing nowand you're like, oh, I feel so
good, I feel at peace, I don't,I am not stressed about like
(34:13):
going into the studio todaybecause I I feel set in my
boundaries and I know that I'mgoing to give my best self to my
students, and so I think likethat has definitely helped to
kind of recognize that andrecognize where I am.
Speaker 2 (34:33):
That's cool, that's fun.
It's always fun to make surethat, amidst all of the anxiety
that you are stopping for alittle pat on the back.
Speaker 1 (34:44):
Yeah, I think that's important.
Speaker 2 (34:45):
Well, thanks for sharing your boundaries journey
with us.
Speaker 1 (34:49):
Absolutely Anytime.
I love boundaries.
Now that I feel better aboutthem, you're like at first,
they're scary.
Speaker 2 (34:57):
I don't.
Can I give you some input?
I don't want to give youunsolicited advice, so let me
ask you first.
I don't want to give youunsolicited advice, so let me
ask you first.
Did you want my thoughts onthis?
All right, well, thanks forchatting and then hopefully
we'll see you soon when we haveanother fun.
(35:18):
What's on Laura's Mind topic?
Speaker 1 (35:23):
Love that.
Speaker 2 (35:24):
I'm always open to some Laura and Heather fireside
chat yeah well, sort of likewe'll have a mailbag full of
these topics that everybody'spining to hear from us.
Speaker 1 (35:36):
I would love that.
Speaker 2 (35:37):
All right, take care.
Speaker 1 (35:40):
All right.
Speaker 2 (35:40):
Bye.
Thanks so much for listeningtoday.
Do you know what would bereally fun?
If you popped over to myInstagram at Heather Sayers
Lehman and dropped me a DM andlet me know what topics you want
me to cover?
Something bugging you,something holding you up?
Please just let me know and Iwill tweak some content and get
(36:01):
an episode out just for you.
As always, please follow showor you can leave a five star
review on Apple or Spotify.
That would be fun to see in thenext episode.
And I think it took a while for me to realize, oh
wait, like I don't have to likego above and beyond and I can
still just go in and do my joband I can leave and walk away
and at the end of the night Idon't have to worry about
anybody messaging me at 11o'clock at night to talk through
something or ask a question,and because of that I think that
(00:20):
I am a better teacher and I amdefinitely a better partner and
definitely a better familymember and friend.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
Hi and welcome to the Air ReBreathe, finding
wellbeing that works for you.
I'm your host, HeatherSayers-Layman.
I'm a National Board CertifiedHealth and Wellness Coach,
Certified Intuitive EatingCounselor and Certified Personal
Trainer.
I help you get organized andconsistent with healthy habits,
without rules, obsession orexhaustion.
This podcast may contain talkabout eating disorders and
(00:53):
disordered eating.
There could also be some adultlanguage here.
Choose wisely.
If those are problematic foryou are problematic for you.
Hi, everyone, and welcome tothis episode of the air we
breathe.
(01:18):
Today I'm bringing Laura backand Laura has worked with me for
we do this, have done thisbefore seven years or could be
six years, and I'm always happyto have Laura around and we talk
like this all the time.
So I like doing an episodebecause then it's really just
like us having a conversation.
And today we're talking aboutboundaries.
So the whole process thatLaura's gone through from
(01:44):
realizing I need a boundary toestablishing a boundary, to
maintaining or tweaking aboundary.
So we're just going to reallygo through Laura's process,
because I always think thatboundaries can certainly be
daunting, but then hearing howsomebody else did it can be
really helpful.
(02:05):
Laura, do you want to do alittle, Laura?
Bio?
Speaker 1 (02:09):
Yes, so yeah, I think that we established that it was
seven years last time, but I'mgoing to say that and then go
back to the last podcast andthen it's going to be completely
wrong.
So I live in Chicago and I am adance educator here at two
different studios.
I live in Chicago and I am adance educator here at two
different studios, and then Ialso work for Heather.
I live here with my husband,matt, and our dog, chance, and
(02:33):
yeah, I am excited to talk aboutboundaries today.
Speaker 2 (02:35):
Yeah, and I always think it's helpful because
people know that I'm an elderI'm 53, but that you are from a
different generation and which Ialways think is also
interesting with behavior change, because you are 30, getting
ready to be 31.
Yeah, look at me, look at me acouple weeks away.
(02:57):
All right, well, let's justdive in and I've got a couple of
questions for you.
So what made you think that youneeded more or better
boundaries?
Speaker 1 (03:09):
Okay, so I was working at my old for my old
employer and, um, just kind ofsome background on just being a
dance teacher.
Anyway, I feel like theboundaries are just different
when you enter into that worldthan you have with other jobs,
just from my personalunderstanding of what I do and
(03:32):
what other people do.
So the boundaries are kind ofmore loose because you don't
have these set hours from likeyou go into the office at nine
and you work and then you getoff and then you go home.
I do a lot of my planningthroughout the day, so I'm
working throughout the day hereand there, and then I go in and
(03:54):
I teach at night.
So I was working for my oldstudio and I started noticing
that I had way too much, orpeople had too much, access to
me.
So my employer had too muchaccess to me, the parents had
too much access to me, mystudents had my phone number and
(04:16):
were able to text and call me,which was not my job's fault.
It was my fault because I was ayounger teacher coming into
this job.
I think when I started there Iwas 24, 23, 24.
So I wanted to be that teacherthat was approachable and there
(04:37):
for all of my kids and there forthe parents and there for my
boss, and always saying yes, yes, yes to everything, because I
thought that that's what made agood employee.
I wanted to be the perfectemployee that said yes and was
able to do everything.
When I realized that I reallyneeded to start setting
boundaries, I started noticingthat I was in a constant state
(05:01):
of worry when I was not at workbecause I what if someone texted
me and reached out to me orsent me a message on our, on our
app?
That is like for parents andstudents to get ahold of anybody
in the company, um or throughemail, and I wasn't near my
phone to answer that question.
Or I would answer questionswhile I was out and about and
(05:22):
away from my computer and said,yes, I'll get, I'll get back to
you on that.
And then I would forgetquestions while I was out and
about and away from my computerand said, yes, I'll get, I'll
get back to you on that.
And then I would forget to dothat because I had so many
things going on and I was.
I was taking on too much.
I I think that I was had arelationship with my previous
boss that was too friendly.
(05:43):
Previous boss that was toofriendly.
It was beyond just like a bossand an employee.
It was like she could reach mewhenever she wanted, I could
reach her whenever I wanted andthere was no boundary there.
So I realized pretty quicklythat something needed to change,
but I wasn't sure what.
Speaker 2 (06:04):
So it was an overarching anxiety that you
were feeling.
Speaker 1 (06:10):
Absolutely.
It was just.
Everyone was able to talk to meat any time and especially, I
think, all those boundaries kindof went out the window.
If there were any looseboundaries to begin with, it
went out the window during COVIDtoo, because we were all home
and we wanted to stay connectedwith our kids and no and let the
(06:31):
parents know, like, we're stillhere for your kids, because I
know this is a hard time forthem.
And it became a thing where,even if we weren't fully
reachable before, we weredefinitely reachable in the
pandemic, because what are wedoing?
We're not doing anything likethey can.
They can call us whenever theywant or they can text us
whenever they want, and that wasit very quickly became a thing
(06:52):
that was not manageable.
Speaker 2 (06:54):
And also what I hear you saying, which I think is so
common, is why you are anxiousin the first place, because
you're worried about what peopleare going to think.
You want people to think thatyou're great.
You need to be perceived asperfect and likable and helpful.
And I have two sons and I havenot heard them talk about that
(07:19):
in any job or position they'vehad and it always just feels so
gendered and it's absolutely not.
There are certainly men whofeel like that, but I would say
that's less common than for awoman to be like okay, so I've
got to do this great.
And even of the interns thatI've had, like they're so
nervous about starting theirfirst job because they have to
(07:43):
pick the perfect job, aboutstarting their first job,
because they have to pick theperfect job, like they don't
want to start something thatisn't like the job and they have
to show up in a certain way.
So do you think all of that foryou is just more general social
conditioning of who you thoughtyou need to show up?
Speaker 1 (07:59):
as Absolutely.
I think.
As young girls, we're taught tobe polite and to say yes and be
accommodating to people.
So I think that going into thiswas my first I'd say this was
my first job out of college.
I applied at two differentstudios and I started working at
(08:24):
both of those studios at thesame time and one I was doing a
lot more for, I was moreinvolved with and I wanted to
show them that I am able to doeverything.
I I will say yes to everything.
I I'm going to accommodate yourschedule to make it like, make
it fit mine, even if it didn't,and I made a lot of sacrifices
there.
So I I definitely think thatit's a lot of how we, like kind
(08:50):
of society conditions us to be,as we grow up, to like be this,
this polite, accommodatingperson in all aspects of our
life, not just our jobs.
Speaker 2 (09:01):
So what was the outcome that you were looking
for?
Hmm.
Speaker 1 (09:05):
So what was the outcome that you were looking
for?
So I, like I said earlier, Irealized that there was
something wrong and I needed tomake a shift.
But I specifically rememberbeing out with my friends and we
were, all you know, just makingsmall talk about our jobs how
are things going?
And I just full on startedsobbing about my job and having
a breakdown there at the table.
(09:26):
Everyone was like, okay, and Ithink that that's when I
realized, okay, I've number onetaken on too much.
I don't have clear boundaries.
Because I think that peoplewere probably reaching out to me
that day because we're gettingready for the season to start.
It was over the summer, for theseason to start.
(09:47):
It was over the summer and Ilooked around at my friends
sitting there at the table and Iwanted the peace that they had
with their job.
I wanted the separation thatthey had with their jobs.
I almost envied them that theywere able to just leave work at
work.
So I was like, okay, somethingneeds to change and need to
figure this out.
So I I actually it's kind ofironic, I guess, but my job that
(10:09):
I was working for actually gotme connected with a therapist
because I kind of had abreakdown and then again at a
work event.
It was not great, I was not ina good place and my boss said I
have this great therapist thatyou can talk to.
I'll get you connected with herand I'm very thankful for that
(10:29):
and I'm also very thankful forthe opportunities that I had at
this past job and theconnections that I made at this
past job.
I just don't think that it wasthe right fit for me like to
continue there.
So I know that with therapy itis expensive and it's a
privilege to be able to go totherapy, and I know that there
are some cheaper options outthere, like for some online
(10:52):
therapy, and I'm very lucky thatI got connected with this
person.
But it was very expensive atthe time because I didn't have
health insurance that wouldcover it.
So I had to make the decisionto only go once a month, like
this is all I can afford.
I can only go once a month.
It wasn is all I can afford.
I can only go once a month.
It wasn't ideal because I thinkthat I would have benefited
from a lot more.
It would be great if therapywas more accessible, that people
(11:15):
could go every week if theyfelt like they needed to, and I
think it would benefit everyoneto be able to have an outlet
like that to talk to.
But yeah, I started going totherapy once a month and started
working with her on,specifically, boundary setting
and figuring out what I wantedfrom my job and my unhappiness
(11:38):
in my job and what that lookslike for my future staying there
, not staying there, findingsomething new, doing something
completely different and notonly did she help me with job
stuff, but it was also like lifestuff that was going on too.
I mean, I failed to mentionthat during this entire time I
was also planning a wedding.
(11:58):
Like that's stressful as well.
So I mean, it was a lot ofthings, but I think that the
majority of the things that werecausing me the stress was the
job that I was in.
Speaker 2 (12:08):
Yeah, so which probably I'm assuming did it eat
into a little of your joy forwedding planning?
Speaker 1 (12:18):
Absolutely, absolutely, I think, because I
was planning other aspects ofjob things and then I would like
you know I would be off theclock and planning things for
the wedding.
It just felt like it all kindof meshed together and became
this mess of so much happeningand so many decisions to be made
and it just felt too much andthen I'm assuming it was
(12:43):
impactful.
Speaker 2 (12:44):
Like for Matt, was he like?
So is this what we'll be doingwith the crying and the breaking
down at brunch, or exactlyexactly he was.
Speaker 1 (12:54):
He was definitely a person that was like I think
therapy would be great.
I think that this would be agreat opportunity for you to
talk to someone, because he wasvery helpful and talking through
things.
But there's only so much yourpartner can do like they can.
They can talk through thingswith you and they can give give
you their opinion on things, andI know that Matt and I both do
(13:18):
this to each other.
Like Matt will tell mesomething, I'll be like uh-huh,
and then my therapist will tellme.
I'm like say, more that'samazing.
Same thing like I'll tell Mattcertain things and then I'll be
like so my therapist told methis today and I was like I
literally just said this lastweek, but it's nice to hear that
from an outside person, forsure.
Speaker 2 (13:40):
Yeah, I think the objectivity is so helpful to
also you know they've gone toschool for this and they have
like different ways of saying itthat you probably even think
it's your idea.
You're like oh well, justoccurred to me, did it?
Right, right, and I think thatyou know, obviously in all the
(14:04):
courses that we do, we talkabout like sort of the you know
what are the causes of yourbasically emotional distress,
like what are the costs of it,and when you're looking to
implement boundaries, looking atthe costs I think is very
helpful.
And a lot of people like no, no, I'm fine.
But to say like, yeah, this iscausing a little bit of concern.
(14:28):
Matt has to worry about me morethan I would like him to.
And then also like I'mdistracted and when I'm bawling
at brunch, like maybe my friendsaren't having as good of a time
, or like to look at the globalpieces that are happening that
(14:51):
if you really step back you cansee, but when you're in it,
obviously it's really difficultto see all the impacts.
Speaker 1 (14:59):
Absolutely.
I didn't really see it when Iwas in it until, like, taking a
step back and looking at it,because even something happened
where we were on spring breakfor the studio and I was back
home visiting with my dad and mystepmom and my sister was there
and the we released teams forthe upcoming season.
(15:23):
So the following season wereleased them in the spring so
that they can start trainingover the summer, but they hadn't
finished their season yettechnically and so we released
those before spring break, sothey had all of spring break
just to kind of take it all in.
And we knew there would be someupset people because we were
changing it up from what we'ddone in years past.
And anytime there's any kind ofchange, people panic me
(15:46):
included.
I'm not a kind of change.
People panic me included.
I'm not like a fan of change.
And I got a call from one of mydancers upset and I took the
call and, looking back on it, Ishould not have taken the call
because I should have said giveit some time, we can talk about
this when we're back.
But I took the call because I Ithought that that was my way of
(16:08):
showing how much I cared, but Ithink that it was taking away
from my happiness and my timewith my family.
And the students would havestill been just fine had we just
waited a couple days and Icould have called them back the
next day and just said hey, I'mbusy with my family, let's talk
tomorrow.
I know you're upset, it's goingto be OK, and left it there.
(16:29):
But I took the call instead andmy sister was very upset with
me and at the time I did notunderstand why.
But looking back on it she wasright.
Speaker 2 (16:37):
You were right, molly well, I think that that's why
it's so hard to see, like whenyou're in the middle of it too,
and then even when you start tomake some like teeny, tiny
changes or like, oh, um, yeah, Ididn't realize, and that's why
I think, having sort of aprocess where you make yourself
(17:00):
realize, like you know in whatway because even like Alcoholics
Anonymous, they have a fishbowlI don't know if they still did
this I did this with my mom and,like, through the process, it
was my opportunity to tell herall the ways that her alcohol
dependency had affected me,which talk about you.
(17:23):
You know your desire to belikable and pleasant, like, oh,
you'd like me to sit and eat agame with my mom and tell her,
but like she needed to realizelike this wasn't just impacting
her.
So right, and I think sometimes, especially like a sister, it's
hard to get feedback like thatbecause, like you're always
complaining or whatever it is wesay about our siblings.
Speaker 1 (17:48):
Right, exactly, exactly.
Speaker 2 (17:55):
Do you feel like the do-it-yourself approach to
improving your healthy habitsdoes nothing except feel
overwhelming, guilt-inducing anddefeating?
You don't need more rules,influencers or structured
programs.
Let me help you discover whatyou want, what works for you and
how to maintain healthy habitsduring the ever-changing
circumstances of your life.
(18:16):
If you're ready to createsystems that stick head to
heathersayerslaymancom backslashhealth-co coaching and click,
let's do it.
So were there any otherresources other than therapy
that you found helpful to startmaking some changes?
Speaker 1 (18:41):
I think, listening to my family members, so like
really trying to hear Molly andlike think about it after the
fact and what she was saying,and um, and then once I got a
lot of these tools in therapy.
So it's hard to like say that Igot it from anywhere else, but
just like realizing that onceI'm done at work, turning off my
(19:04):
phone and like, okay, we're notgoing to check the phone until
tomorrow when it's time to lookat work stuff again.
I know that I turned to myfriends as well, especially my
friends that I was working withat that same place, and they
were going through the samething.
So it felt better to talk tothem about those things, because
(19:25):
they were dealing with it too,rather than to go to Matt and
tell him for the fifth night ina row I'm still having a
terrible time here.
It was better to like go to afriend and say, like how are you
dealing with this?
Because you don't seem as ascompletely spread thin and
stressed out as I do, like whatdo you do in this situation when
(19:48):
, like this is asked of you?
So I think like turning to likeyour group and your people that
are in your life, like in yourcorner, whether it's a family
member or a friend.
I know I don't want to likeburden them with everything,
because I know that like it canbe really hard to like say, here
are all the things that aregoing on, and like it can feel
(20:09):
very much like whoa, I don'tknow how to help you with this,
like from the other perspective.
But even just asking them, doyou have the space to listen to
me?
You don't have to help me, youjust can.
I need someone to just listenand hear me out with what I'm
dealing with.
Speaker 2 (20:25):
Well, what do you suggest for someone that's
feeling kind of squishy or weirdon the inside about setting
boundaries?
Speaker 1 (20:33):
I think, doing some of the things well if it's work
related.
Some of the things that I did,I did turn off my phone, I muted
notifications on my app and Igave myself specific times to
check the app to see what wasgoing on with the studio.
So I ended up leaving my oldplace and starting at a new
company and I know that noteveryone gets the opportunity to
(20:55):
leave their current situation,their current job, and start
somewhere new.
But I was able to set newboundaries their current job and
start somewhere new.
But I was able to set newboundaries, set boundaries from
the beginning there and I nevergave my number out to any of the
students.
I the accessibility of my emailwith parents is not there and
that has a lot to do with mycurrent boss.
(21:17):
She takes on a lot of thatstuff and the communications
with parents.
I have my app muted from thebeginning, mostly because when a
birthday goes off, everyone'slike happy birthday.
It's text after text.
I'm like I can't, so it's mutedand I have a certain day that I
go in, like a couple days aweek that I go in and check it,
(21:38):
make sure I don't have anymessages, and that has helped a
lot.
But if you are staying at yourcurrent place, it is harder to
work backwards on thoseboundaries when there aren't any
in place.
But it can be done and it mayjust be more of a gradual thing.
And I think it starts a lotwith having open communication
(22:00):
with your boss and saying here'swhat was happening before,
here's what I'm going to bedoing now.
And it can be a hardconversation, I know, but if
it's for your peace and yoursanity, I think it's worth it to
have those tough conversations.
Speaker 2 (22:19):
Well, what did you do Because I'm assuming, when you
started having boundaries, like,your voice on the inside was
like oh my gosh, everybody'sgoing to hate us, they're gonna
think I'm being ridiculous Likewhat did you do to try to work
with or quell that anxiety?
Speaker 1 (22:38):
I think for me I showed up, I think, more in my
classes with my kids.
I think I had more to give inmy classes.
It took a while to realize thatbecause at first I was
definitely there and I was like,oh my gosh, even at the very
beginning I would sometimes textmy boss.
I'm like what can I do?
(22:59):
What can I do?
Like trying to put myself outthere.
And she was like I've got ithandled, like it's okay.
And I think it took a while forme to realize, oh wait, like I
don't have to like go above andbeyond and I can still just go
in and do my job and I can leaveand walk away and at the end of
the night I don't have to worryabout anybody messaging me at
(23:21):
11 o'clock at night to talkthrough something or ask a
question.
And because of that I thinkthat I am a better teacher and
I'm definitely a better partnerand definitely a better family
member and friend.
But it was definitely.
It was hard at the beginningbecause there are, like there's
(23:41):
that voice in your head that islike, oh, you're not doing like
what you were doing before.
And I took a lot of workthrough that in therapy as well.
I talked a lot with mytherapist about it and it was a
lot of her asking, okay, like,what kind of relationship do you
want with the kids?
What kind of relationship doyou want with your boss?
It clearly wasn't workingbefore.
(24:03):
So now, how are we going to makethis work?
And maybe it is working, maybeit's just different and, like I
said before, not a fan of change.
So when it started changingeven though it was changing for
the better I was starting topanic a little bit.
But then like really steppingback and be like, no, the
relationships are better now allacross the board More.
It's like that whole quantityversus quality thing, like the
(24:26):
quality of my engagements withthe people that I'm around are
so much better.
I, even though I'm notcontacting everybody, and like
being in contact with them allthe time.
Speaker 2 (24:38):
I think that it's important for people, especially
if they're anticipating achange, to know you're not going
to be like, oh, this is amazing.
I'm so glad I did this, becausewhen you make a change, if you
weren't sure, kind of what theinner voices were going to say,
now you know, because they willstart chiming in and then I feel
(25:04):
like that's at leastdirectional, like here's
actually what I think, evensubconsciously, and what can I
do with that and try to dealwith that versus, you know, kind
of like a moving stuff aroundon the outside of like, what are
these beliefs that I have herethat maybe I need to amend or
(25:27):
look at or replace, becausethose beliefs are what is really
driving my behavior in thefirst place.
Speaker 1 (25:36):
Right and actually taking the time, like we talked
about in the last episode, likewhat, what works for me?
And like what do I actuallywant?
And like that is so hard to askyourself.
I think because a lot of times,like we talked about earlier,
we're trying to accommodateother people and it's okay to
accommodate yourself and setthose boundaries up so that
(25:59):
you're you are taken care of.
So then, like the whole puttingyour mask on before you put it
on, everyone else like it.
There is so much truth in that,in all aspects of our life.
Speaker 2 (26:09):
So well, and I love that you started doing that.
Younger than certainly many tomost certainly myself, um, did
that?
I was.
I used to be very nice andaccommodating, and now my inner
circle will probably be like isis she, though?
(26:30):
So is there anywhere else thatyou're thinking about
implementing boundaries?
Speaker 1 (26:41):
um, I think that after everything with work, I
started to implement moreboundaries within just like all
aspects of my life.
So my friends, my family, mypartner I think with a partner,
just having open communicationabout what your needs are, um, a
lot of times I know that Mattand I, it was hard at first when
(27:06):
we were adjusting to theschedule of like him working
during the day and then I'd comehome at night and then when I
first would get home, we wouldwant to talk about our days and
he would definitely want to talkabout our days.
But, like, sometimes, likeafter teaching all night, I
would need just like some quietand not need to talk about it.
So, like saying that up front,I I can't have a full
(27:30):
conversation at 10 o'clock whenI come home, like let's talk a
little bit in the car on our wayhome and then when once we're
home, it's more just like youcan tell me a little bit about
your day, but please don'texpect too much of me because I
don't think I have very much togive after teaching all night.
It's definitely gotten betternow that my work situations are
better, but having that openconversation, like open
(27:53):
communication with a partner andthen with family and friends,
like if there are certain thingsthat I can't do with my friends
whether it's because I'm tryingto save money or I just have
way too much going on this weekbeing really open and honest
about that and saying I don'thave the bandwidth for this this
week, can we reschedule, can wedo this another day?
(28:13):
And then that kind of goesalong the same lines as family.
It's hard with our family beingLike Matt's family is two and a
half hours away, my family isthree to four hours away, and
having to say like no, we can'tcome back home for these certain
things.
I know it's important to youbut it doesn't make sense for us
(28:34):
right now and we'll try to makeit for the next one.
Let's plan ahead and figurethose things out and working
through those things with family.
But I think boundaries in allaspects of our life is so good,
but I mean, with anything thatwe do, it's going to fluctuate,
like sometimes you're going tohave really great boundaries.
You're like I am the next, likemonth you're going to be like
(28:55):
wow, where are all my boundaries?
Where did they go?
So it's a, it's a learningcurve for sure.
Speaker 2 (29:02):
I think you're really good at boundaries with work,
because I try to like justyesterday we were talking about
what I would consider like a bigproject for both of us you know
, a new software system, and youwere like June, I'll have a lot
of time and have a lot ofenergy, which for me is like
(29:22):
it's just information, like Idon't view that as like oh well,
laura's too busy until June,but it's like okay, so then I
know how to plan around whenyou'll be available.
So then, yeah, okay, I'll tinkerwith it more first and then
I'll have a better idea of whatyou can do with it later.
(29:43):
But I always consider like Idon't know, like your boundaries
just feel like facts of likeyeah, tied up, like you know,
definitely not going to do it, Ican keep, and you even said
like I can keep doing this otherthing, and then when it comes
time and then I'm done theseason, it's like oh, that's
(30:06):
great and I think it's superhelpful.
And I know that you probablyhad glitches with people who
don't want to hear what you'resaying, I assume oh, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (30:18):
And I think that for people that don't have
boundaries in their life, whensomeone, when you give a
boundary to them, their initiallike reaction is like to take it
personally and think like, oh,this is like a personal thing,
um, but like you said, if theycan take it as fact and it's
(30:38):
just like, these are the factslaid out, this has nothing to do
.
This is not a personal attackon you or anything like that.
And sometimes like settingboundaries right off the bat and
saying like, this is nothingpersonal, this is everything to
do.
This is not a personal attackon you or anything like that.
And sometimes like settingboundaries right off the bat and
saying like this is nothingpersonal, this is everything to
do with me and I.
I just need this, this space orthis time or whatever it is
that you're asking for, and youcan't.
(30:59):
You can only control the waythat you react to that situation
.
You cannot control what otherswill do when they're given a
boundary, but if they choose tobreak that boundary, then you
can decide okay, maybe I need toput a little bit more space
with this situation and I mean,I think that's what I had to do
with my, my last job.
I just don't think theboundaries were going to be
(31:23):
respected, even after asking forthem.
So it's like it's time, my timeis done.
Nothing personal, it's just.
I got to move on.
Speaker 2 (31:32):
Yeah, and I just did an episode which will have come
out by the time this comes outon saying no.
So even in those, if somebodycalls you, I'm like hey, can you
come home?
That you can say you know what,let me look at my calendar and
get back with you.
If you're feeling like so underthe gun and like oh, I have to
(31:54):
decide now, but you canabsolutely be like and I think a
lot of couples like that let mecheck with Matt, you know, but
it gives you time so you're notlike flustered or trying to
figure out how to say no which Ithink it's easier but just
asking that, or not reallyasking, but just saying like let
(32:16):
me get back and then again,like that feels like no harm, no
foul too Cause that again it'sjust information and then you
can either call them, text them,like whatever you want to do.
To clarify that I definitelycan't do it this weekend.
Here are a list of otherweekends that will work.
Speaker 1 (32:35):
I think that's another thing too, like giving
you know, not just being like.
I feel like boundaries areeasier when you don't just give
like a full-on, like no, whichis perfectly acceptable.
You can definitely no, likethis is not what's happening,
but also being like no.
However, here, are some otheroptions and like laying out
other options.
So it's like it's a little biteasier if you still want to be
(32:57):
accommodating, which deep downin my soul, I'm still like, okay
, but let me try to beaccommodating in another way,
even though I can't accommodatethat this time boundaries, but
(33:27):
then that you're able to focuson.
Speaker 2 (33:28):
You know, like Matt and I've been better in this way
, or I've enjoyed my studentsmore in this way, because I
think always you know, we alwaystalk about the costs and causes
, but like the feelings that youwanted, like you have more of
those.
So I don't know if you do orhave thought about, like how do
I really look at these greatresults?
I've gotten to keep myselfmotivated to making more of
(33:49):
these choices for myself.
Speaker 1 (33:53):
Yeah, absolutely.
I feel like I journal a lotabout it and so sometimes it's
fun to like look back on yourjournal entries like from like
months ago where the boundarieswere not in place, and then you
look at like you're writing nowand you're like, oh, I feel so
good, I feel at peace, I don't,I am not stressed about like
(34:13):
going into the studio todaybecause I I feel set in my
boundaries and I know that I'mgoing to give my best self to my
students, and so I think likethat has definitely helped to
kind of recognize that andrecognize where I am.
Speaker 2 (34:33):
That's cool, that's fun.
It's always fun to make surethat, amidst all of the anxiety
that you are stopping for alittle pat on the back.
Speaker 1 (34:44):
Yeah, I think that's important.
Speaker 2 (34:45):
Well, thanks for sharing your boundaries journey
with us.
Speaker 1 (34:49):
Absolutely Anytime.
I love boundaries.
Now that I feel better aboutthem, you're like at first,
they're scary.
Speaker 2 (34:57):
I don't.
Can I give you some input?
I don't want to give youunsolicited advice, so let me
ask you first.
I don't want to give youunsolicited advice, so let me
ask you first.
Did you want my thoughts onthis?
All right, well, thanks forchatting and then hopefully
we'll see you soon when we haveanother fun.
(35:18):
What's on Laura's Mind topic?
Speaker 1 (35:23):
Love that.
Speaker 2 (35:24):
I'm always open to some Laura and Heather fireside
chat yeah well, sort of likewe'll have a mailbag full of
these topics that everybody'spining to hear from us.
Speaker 1 (35:36):
I would love that.
Speaker 2 (35:37):
All right, take care.
Speaker 1 (35:40):
All right.
Speaker 2 (35:40):
Bye.
Thanks so much for listeningtoday.
Do you know what would bereally fun?
If you popped over to myInstagram at Heather Sayers
Lehman and dropped me a DM andlet me know what topics you want
me to cover?
Something bugging you,something holding you up?
Please just let me know and Iwill tweak some content and get
(36:01):
an episode out just for you.
As always, please follow showor you can leave a five star
review on Apple or Spotify.
That would be fun to see in thenext episode.
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