April 17, 2024 • 26 mins
We've moved into the injection phase! Meredith is 22 injections in and reporting on all of the wild side effects: vivid dreams, unsupportive family members, and an incredible amount of trash. Truth be told, it's a lot easier than she anticipated and way more enjoyable than the estrogen priming.
ITEMS MENTIONED:
Small Ice Packs with Sleeve - https://amzn.to/3vMNfC2
REPORTS MENTIONED:
Society for Assisted Reproductive Technology's 2021 National Report - https://www.sartcorsonline.com/rptCSR_PublicMultYear.aspx
---
I'm becoming a single mother by choice using a known donor; I'm so stoked to be having a baby with my gay best friend. After a few tries with the turkey baster in 2023, I turned to IVF in Spring of 2024.
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Created, produced and hosted by Meredith Kate, co-produced by Julian Hagins.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
In college, my gay best friend and I joked that if
we hadn't found love by 40, we'dhave a baby with each other 20
years later.
I'm pulling the ripcord Fromdeciding on solo motherhood to
choosing IVF.
I'm Meredith and this is theBackup Plan we are in to IVF
injections.
Guys, I am six days into it.
(00:22):
Let's check my notes.
Okay, yeah, so today is goingto be the sixth day.
You know what this is.
These are all of my needlesthat I have used for my 18
injections I've had so far.
I was right, estrogen primingwas the difficult part for me.
Now I don't want to speak toosoon because I do have quite a
(00:42):
few days of injections ahead ofme, but so far it's been pretty
easy.
I mean, I'm not going to lie, Iam not afraid of injections.
Like it's just not somethingthat bothers me.
I feel like I've talked aboutthis before, but when I go
someplace and I get blood drawn,they try to like psych me out,
like, okay, just calm down.
I'm like no, it's fine.
(01:06):
And if I breathe during theprocess, they're like are you
okay?
And I'm like yeah, I'm justbreathing.
I'd like to breathe out whenthey put the needle in.
You know, I have been recordingevery single session, that I've
been giving myself shots and Iwant to put together like a
compilation video of what it allentails and how I'm doing with
it.
But for today I just want togive you guys an update as to
(01:27):
what it has been like.
There have been some trials andtribulations.
You know.
If I feel my tummy now whereall of the shots have gone, it's
I really don't have liketenderness or anything like that
.
I will say that, like my boobsare tender and a little bit
bigger.
I'm wearing the bras that Istopped wearing because they
weren't fitting and now they doso cool.
(01:48):
Other than that, like it's kindof fine.
Yesterday I went on a long walkand I could feel it's hard to
describe like where the pain was, if it like where your legs
meet your pelvis.
There's kind of like a bigtendon right there.
I would say it was like an inchhigher than there.
(02:09):
There was like a little bit oflike I don't know how to
describe it.
It's just kind of like a littlebit of a like pinchy pressure
and I was like maybe that is myfollicles getting bigger and
it's pushing somewhere else.
I don't know, but that's kindof been about it.
The estrogen priming killed myback.
When you saw me last, I was inexcruciating pain.
(02:31):
I wasn't sleeping and I am hereto report that last night, in
this very bed, I slept a solidseven hours or something,
because my sleep has been so badthe past two weeks, like Apple
Health notified me and said likeyeah, right, girl, because it
(02:51):
was a solid two hours less sleepevery single night, which is
difficult because this is a timewhere you want to sleep, this
is a time where you want to geta lot of rest.
So I was taking midday naps andstuff, but it just it wasn't
hitting, because the problem wasI had such bad back pain.
If I was up and moving, I wasfine, but I was so tired I
(03:12):
didn't want to be up and moving,so I would lay down because I
was tired and then my back wouldseize up and I had to get up
and move around.
So it was just this like neverending cycle.
That was really terrible.
Every three hours I was wakingup just in excruciating pain.
I slept with a heating padwhich would make me sweaty,
which normally wakes me up.
(03:32):
I could tell my body was tryingto sleep through the sweating
because I'd wake up and be likesweatier than normal but in more
pain.
It was just awful and I thinkthat now, you know, on knock on
wood, I think that back pain isdone.
Hopefully tomorrow night I getanother you know, seven, eight
(03:53):
hours of sleep, like I just got.
And like, honestly, I woke upthis morning and was like I can
do fucking anything like watchout, world's my oyster, like.
I woke up kind of with likeChristmas morning feeling it
felt great.
It felt great guys Felt reallynice and I just feel better
today.
(04:14):
Am I having hormonal anxieties?
Maybe Sites of family troublescrop up this week that aren't
really outside of the bounds ofanything I regularly experience.
They are ever present, nothingbetween my mom and I, but it did
kind of set me on edge.
(04:34):
I did cry about it a lot, butI've cried about it in the past,
so it's hard to tell what itwas.
It did coincide with anothersituation that we'll talk about
as I kind of go through therundown of my days.
It just made me really, reallyupset.
So I don't think the, I don'tthink the hormones are affecting
(04:55):
me.
I think it's all just kind ofnormal.
So let's go through day by daymy last five days of injections
and I'll let you guys know kindof how those played out and then
at the end there's going to bea whole compilation video of
everything that'll be releasedon YouTube that you can go check
out.
Day one like actually gettingall the medication together.
It was overwhelming.
So there are three shots thatI'm taking in the evenings right
(05:18):
now.
So it's Menopur, it isFollistim and Zomactin.
You would think, becausethey're all just shots, they
would all be prepared the sameway.
But they're all prepared atotally different way.
The Menopur I have two bottlesthat I have to mix with a little
bottle of sterilized water.
Then I have the Follistim,which goes into a pen, and then
(05:41):
I have the Zomactin, which Ihave to mix into a bottle, and
then this little tiny bottle Iuse multiple days in a row.
That stays with me.
So I have a different needle Ihave to get to put that into.
Each one is done a little bitdifferently but kind of
similarly, so sometimes it canget a little bit confusing.
And that first day inparticular I was really nervous
because I was like I need anhour to prep for all these
(06:04):
different things.
Now that I've done five days ofshots.
I can prepare it a little bitfaster, I know it a little bit
better, but that doesn't meanmistakes aren't made and again
we'll get to that.
You know, day one I was stilljust contending with these
really bad back pains, and theback pains were like shooting
into different areas.
So I know it's all like kind ofrelated to my uterus, but I was
like why am I feeling get up inmy ribs, like up in the back,
(06:28):
and then I would kind of feel itaround the side of my ribs too.
It's kind of like, you know,when you get that gas that gets
trapped in like your shoulder,like I've talked to some people
about this and they're like Ihave no idea what you're talking
about.
And then I've talked to otherfriends who are as gassy as I am
and they're like oh yeah, likeelbow gas, and I was like, yeah,
man, it kind of felt like that.
It felt like pain that was justbeing redirected into different
(06:49):
places and I just felt stiffall over.
So actually giving the shotswas fine that night.
I did that in this bed.
That's why I'm recording frommy bed today, because it just
feels appropriate, because she'sseeing me through a lot.
Laying down wasn't difficult.
So then the next day I thought,oh, maybe I'll, I'll just sit
up on the couch and I'll do iton the couch this time for
(07:11):
whatever reason.
Like the angle just wasn't asgood as laying down.
Laying down seems to work forme well, if I'm propped up a
little bit too.
The second day I had leggingson and I was like I just wished
I had sweatpants that I couldpull down further, because
negotiating leggings and andlike love handles and grabbing
(07:32):
tummy fat and it was all toomuch.
I learned that doing themenopure first is the way to go
for me, because I want to getthe worst of it over.
So Follistim and Zomactin Ireally don't like feel anything.
And the needles it's almostlike a mosquito bite, like
they're so tiny.
The Menopur is a little bitbigger and then as I'm putting
(07:53):
it in, I feel it going in and itsays sting, it does burn, it's
kind of like a cold burn and itseems like there's more of that
medication.
I have to pump in.
That one I did last on thefirst day and I was like, oh,
this is easy, oh, this is easy.
So I've learned just do thatone first and let it sit for a
(08:18):
second and then do the other twobecause they're easier.
Zmactin is the easiest.
It's in a very tiny littlesyringe and it's got a very tiny
little needle and it just goesin really quick.
It's a very small amount ofliquid.
The Follistim would be easy ifit was just one.
It's a pen, so it kind of lookslike an EpiPen or something
(08:40):
like that and you just push downon, like pushing a ballpoint
pen, and the syringe on it'svery short, very tiny, very fine
, however.
So I have to take 300milliliters of that one, and so
I have 300 milliliter vials, butthe vials are all overfilled.
It behooves me to use theentire vial, so I prepare it and
(09:02):
then I have to bring with me anextra vial.
So I've been preparingeverything in the kitchen and
then I bring it into my room ona tray, my mise en place, as
Ariana said.
So when I do that, it's like Iprepare the follow-stim pen, but
then I also prepare bring withme another vial, bring with me
another needle, because then Iput in as much as I can, and
(09:23):
then the pen stops and I lookand I see however many
milliliters I have left, like 75or 200 or 100, whatever.
So then I have to switch out,put another vial in the pen and
do it all over again.
What should just be three shotssometimes is four shots a night
, and that is annoying.
That's just annoying.
I wish I had like a bigfollow-stim pen that had all of
(09:45):
my medication just every night.
I could just use it.
But um and now, and just forclarity, the pen you put a new
syringe on the top of it everytime you use it.
You don't keep using the samesyringe over and over.
So yeah, so that second nightthat was when I learned oh, I'm
gonna keep using this pen, haveto prepare myself, I feel like.
(10:06):
After that night of shots I tooka note here and I wrote down
that I felt energy in my lovehandles.
Take a shot.
Every time I say love handlesin this episode it was just like
a weird kind of zip kind of.
But I haven't felt anythingsince then.
The only feeling I feelafterwards now is the feeling of
(10:29):
the men appear when it goes in,and sometimes like for a second
or two after I just sit therewith a little ice pack on it and
a note on ice packs I got theselittle ice packs from Amazon,
which I will link below.
Any item I'm mentioning, I'lllink it below, and if you click
on that link I'll get a littlebit of a kickback, which, as a
(10:51):
single mom, soon to be not a badthing.
I got these little round icepacks it was a pack of I think
five of them and then it camewith sort of an ace bandage that
has a pocket in it, and so it'sgreat, because when I have a
migraine I can put it around myhead like a World War I veteran.
Or before my shots, as I'mprepping all of this, I put it
on like a belt and I kind oflook at my belly and go, okay,
(11:12):
where am I least bruised today,where did I do my last shots?
And I just wear it on my belly.
And so then that way, for the20 minutes or so that I'm
preparing all the shots becauseunwrapping all the stuff takes a
long time, because unwrappingall the stuff takes a long time
everything is wrapped in plastic.
I have that iced, so then I dothe menopure and then I put the
ice pack on, which is is nice.
(11:32):
Also a note on the wrapping.
There's so much trash and I'mtrying to be really good about
separating it and obviously allthe sharps go in the sharp
container but like, if there'splastic wrap, I save that for
like my plastic wrap recycling.
And if there are little capsthat, I save that for like my
plastic wrap recycling.
And if there are little capsthat come off that don't go on
the syringes but they go oneither from something else,
(11:55):
whatever, I'll put that in therecycling and everything.
So I'm trying to be assustainable as possible, but
it's very difficult.
And I realized on that night toothat I've gained some weight.
I gained since COVID and theloss of my dad and all the grief
that ensued from that.
I've gained about 30 pounds andI'm not necessarily mad about
(12:16):
it right now because it gives mea good little like skin to
pinch.
It's a good little little patof fat to put this into and I'm
like this would be so muchharder if I was a skinny mini.
I just feel like it would begoing like right if I was a
skinny mini.
I just feel like it would begoing like right into muscle and
that can be painful.
So let's be grateful for thebodies we have at the moment,
right.
Also, night two is when Inoticed that my dreams are a
(12:37):
little bit more vivid sensetaking all of this stuff.
So I've had some really strangedreams and if you're into dream
analysis, like, please tell me,like, what does it mean when
you dream about big, cavernousspaces, like I have dreams about
?
There's this version of Vegasin my head I've been to Vegas
(12:58):
and it's not that Vegas, butit's sort of a similar thing
where there are all these likereally big sprawling spaces
connected.
And then I also have thisversion of like Waikiki that is
the same, which is not.
I've been to Waikiki, it's notlike that, but I have these
dreams of these big, sprawlingspaces.
And I had a dream that I workedat the Apple store again, which
I worked there for a year backin like 2013.
(13:21):
And I had a dream that I wentback to work there for a day and
it wasn't the tiny little storeI worked in, it was this like
like three or four Best FivesLike imagine an Apple store that
was like a Costco or somethinglike very, very strange.
And so that night in particularI'm trying to remember the
dreams that I have too, becausethey're so strange I had a dream
(13:44):
that I was like in directingclass, which is a class I took
for my theater major, but it waslike a film directing class and
like you could only film duringthe class.
Like you had to film a short ina two hour class, which is
impossible, not impossible.
The scope I had, it wasimpossible.
(14:06):
But like Harrison Ford wasthere and the scope I had, it
was impossible.
But like Harrison Ford wasthere and he like I had him
explain to everybody who StevenSpielberg was.
And then later Tom Holland andZendaya were there, but we were
all like best friends but likeobviously they were together and
I was like happy for them and Iwas just like so grateful that
I got to share in their love.
And but Tom Holland was mad atme because I had made friends
(14:28):
with Hunter Schaefer in anotherclass and I was like she's just
a classmate, like I'm not likefriends with her, and I guess
she had hurt Zendaya in some way, maybe during filming of
Euphoria, I don't know.
It was a very weird, but TomHolland was very small and he
was crying in a bathtub.
So the next night night, three Iwas dreaming about these are my
(14:49):
notes dolphin training, vinDiesel, new Zealand lunch buffet
, hamburger hamburger train,begging a cook to make me eggs.
What does it mean?
Vin Diesel was there, I thinkhe he wasn't a dolphin trainer,
but he was like familiar withthe dolphins, like he was a
(15:09):
friend of the trainers and wewere in New Zealand.
I don't know who we was, butjust like I knew I was with a
group of people and there was alunch buffet but like it was
brunch time and some of thepeople that I was with it was
like I think it was a group likevacation and some of the people
I was with had gotten breakfastitems.
But I was like talking topeople maybe the dolphin
(15:32):
trainers and missed it.
And so I like asked the cookbehind the lunch buffet I'm like
I know you've put out the lunchfood, but can I please have
eggs?
Like what can?
What do I have to do for you tomake me eggs?
And he was like oh, there'ssome stuff over there and I went
and there was like a machinethat there was a machine that
(15:53):
made hamburgers, but it was atrain, it was a hamburger train,
so we'll train.
Like went around the track andit was like assembly line of it
would like it was very likeWilly Wonka in fashion, like.
So that was day three.
Um, day three, I went back tothe bed too, so I had a little
comfy space.
Day four was when I had myemotional breakdown.
(16:16):
As mentioned before, theMenopur bottles I have three of
those and I have one Zomactinbottle, so they're all the same
size.
I also mentioned earlierthere's a lot of trash that is
involved with this.
Maybe you see where I'm goingwith this.
Day four, I got out all mystuff to prep and I was like
where is my Zomactin bottle?
(16:37):
Where is the $600 vial ofZomactin?
In the trash?
I threw it away becauseeverything is just all together
and there's so little liquid inthe Zomactin vial, so I'd
already done three shots with it, but there were probably like
another two shots in there,which does mean I'm going to
(16:59):
have to buy another bottle ofZomactin, and this is the one
that I was like consideringgoing to Tijuana to get.
Like it's difficult to get.
There's no other place to getit except for Schraff's.
Which is fine, they have it.
It's not the end of the world.
I FaceTime my mom as I'm doingall this because she wants to be
involved and she wants tosupport.
She feels terrible that she'snot here right now.
So she was telling me it's fine.
(17:21):
It's sort of this ingrainedthing I have from when I was a
kid of like screwing things upand this mortal fear of like
what am I going to do?
This is the end of the world.
And I just felt like shit, thisis the end of the world.
You know, she is helping me payfor this medication.
It would be one thing if I hadtotally disposable income and it
was like it's fine, I'll buy it, but that stuff is like
(17:42):
priceless to me at this moment,although there is price on it
and my mom can help and we'reokay and it'll be fine.
But it was a really shitty,shitty feeling.
And then, coupled with a familydrama that I'm going through, I
just sobbed.
I cried so hard.
I think it was a good breakdownthat I needed to have.
I don't begrudge myself it.
(18:03):
You know like I needed to feelthose feelings and ultimately I
feel like stronger for it.
The drama that's going on withmy family and the ways that
certain people have reacted tothe process or not reacted to
the process either.
It's illuminating.
The support that I'm gettingfrom people really shows me like
(18:26):
they may be friends.
But that's my family, those aremy people, the ones that are
there supporting me, not thepeople who don't support me.
I'll just leave it at that, soI don't want to stir up any more
trouble.
That was a hard night and thenyesterday I went to the doctor
to get all my follicles checkedand everything looks great.
I had my labs taken.
(18:47):
They said to maintain the samedosage that I'm taking right now
.
I had a trans vag ultrasoundand she counted all my ovaries
and most of them are growing.
Most of them are respondingpretty well.
My tech said that sometimesshe's really funny.
She uses a party analogy and shealso listens to this podcast.
So, hey, girl.
But she uses the party analogyof like we're having a party
(19:08):
right now.
This is like a little likefollicle dance party and I've
invited all of them, but somedon't RSVP and some that didn't
RSVP do end up showing up andsome that do show up don't want
to take the drugs becausethey're not interested in the
drugs.
But they may be interested inthe drugs later, after they see
how much fun everybody's having.
(19:28):
I asked too I was like, howabout plus ones?
Do we have any plus ones?
And she was like, yeah,sometimes a follicle might drop
two eggs, so you never know.
And uh, we just maintain acertain course here and you know
, we just keep hosting the partyand that's all I'm doing is
just hosting a little party inmy belly.
(19:49):
I'm feeling good now that I'vegotten a full night's rest and I
went for that long walkyesterday and I also went to the
grocery store and stocked up onlike hella snacks.
So I'm set.
I just everything is feelinggood except for the family drama
.
Everything is feeling good.
I'm just touched by theresponse I'm getting from people
(20:09):
.
I'm touched by the messagesthat I'm getting from you guys.
It's just nice.
I will say that during thisperiod it is really difficult to
maintain a sense of likerealistic thinking versus
optimistic thinking, and itreally isn't a versus thing.
It shouldn't have to be aversus thing, it's, it's an and
thing.
They just have to live together.
(20:31):
But it's really hard to keepthinking to myself positively of
like this is great, this isgoing well, everything's gonna
work out just fine, coupled withwell.
Ivf only works 50% of the time.
I did have a conversation withMichael yesterday, which was
really great because he's hadsome different thoughts about
our arrangement that he's been.
(20:54):
I don't want to say strugglingisn't the right word, but just
like considering in his mind andhe has sought out people who
were like the children of donorsraised by single moms and stuff
.
And he was able to have areally good conversation with a
friend of his who allayed someof the fears he's been having.
And then we ended up talkingabout it and again I mentioned
(21:16):
this in the past but just Ican't help but feel like what he
and I are pursuing is so muchmore planned out than like so
many pregnancies I've witnessed.
Like not to hate on y'all ifyou're a heterosexual couple who
just had a baby, but like likedamn, we're talking about our
feelings a lot, feelings a lot,and we're like talking through
(21:42):
like how we feel aboutdiscipline and how we feel about
education and how we feel aboutlike worldliness and like it
just it just feels good, it justfeels like so in sync, and I
couldn't be more glad that I'mdoing it with him.
Like I have this question aboutdo I want to do the embryo
testing when the time comes?
(22:03):
And I love that I can go to himand be like, can you watch
these couple of YouTube videosand like tell me what you think,
cause you are like, lab work ishis line of business.
He understands it really well.
So I'm like, watch these videosand tell me what you think and
I will get a solid answer fromhim.
It's just great.
I'm just, I'm just reallytickled.
(22:26):
What else did we talk about?
Oh, my God, there's somethingelse that we talked about that
was like so relevant to what I'mrecording right now and it's
just gone out of my head.
Maybe I'm getting a littleforgetful on the hormones, maybe
just a little bit.
Uh see, earlier when I said Ithrew away a $600 vial of
medication, oh, I know, and Iwas talking to Michael and I
said this is the rate of successfor IVF.
(22:47):
Right, it's like 50% orwhatever.
I don't have the actual numberin front of me.
I'll put it at the bottom, I'llput it right here, if you're
watching on YouTube.
When was that study done andwho was it done on?
Because a lot of people thathave pursued IVF in the past
have done it because offertility issues.
Right, I don't have a fertilityissue, like, my numbers are
(23:09):
relatively good, michael'snumbers are relatively good,
they're his, I mean, if they're,we're at average or better for
our age.
We also neither of us smoke.
I drink more than he does, butI also like go through really
long bouts of sobriety because Ijust don't, I'm not going out
(23:30):
or I just don't have an interestin it like I used to.
So he stays pretty active.
I'm a fidgeter by nature, soI'm always up and around and
flitting about, so active enough, like I wonder what the success
rate is on IVF for people whodon't have fertility issues
right.
Like, am I crazy to think thatI'm in a better spot Because
(23:53):
health wise, I'm in a betterspot?
I don't know.
That being said, I turned 40 inJanuary, so you know, who knows
, who knows I?
Just overall, right now I feelgood and I want to maintain that
and trying to eliminate thethings in my life that are
causing me stress.
Taking it slow and going withthe flow, baby, enjoying my
(24:19):
doctor's appointments because mygals at the Kind Body in
Newport are great.
We're moving into the actualoffice, so no more visiting the
RV, although I hope I reallydon't have to go to the office
because everything worked in theRV.
I have an appointment tomorrowand we're just going to keep
checking and then, once I get toI think they said something
like 18 mil when my folliclesgrow to be about twice the size
(24:44):
they are right now is when Istart taking an additional shot,
and I guess sometime next weekis going to be the egg retrieval
Nervous because I haven't linedanybody up to take me to that
and that's going to be a thing.
Yeah, I just want this to workand I just want to have a little
nugget right here.
The bassinet's going to be onthis side.
I hope that I don't have to lookback on these videos and be sad
(25:07):
about planning as much as I did, but I just feel good about it.
It just feels like the righttime.
It feels like everything'slighting up.
Just keep wishing me luck andyou know, rate, review,
subscribe, like, share, do allthe things that you can do.
Um, if you have a friend thatyou think could benefit from
(25:27):
this, please send it along.
And thank you again for all thewonderful things you guys are
saying and all the well wishesI'm getting and, uh, I'll see
you next week.
The Backup Plan is created,produced and hosted by me,
meredith Kate.
Julian Hagans is my co-producer.
You can find us on social mediaat BackupPlanPod, the best
(25:47):
place to get updates is to signup for our newsletter at
BackupPlanPodcom, where we alsopost all episodes, show notes
and transcripts.
Thank you for listening.
In college, my gay best friend and I joked that if
we hadn't found love by 40, we'dhave a baby with each other 20
years later.
I'm pulling the ripcord Fromdeciding on solo motherhood to
choosing IVF.
I'm Meredith and this is theBackup Plan we are in to IVF
injections.
Guys, I am six days into it.
(00:22):
Let's check my notes.
Okay, yeah, so today is goingto be the sixth day.
You know what this is.
These are all of my needlesthat I have used for my 18
injections I've had so far.
I was right, estrogen primingwas the difficult part for me.
Now I don't want to speak toosoon because I do have quite a
(00:42):
few days of injections ahead ofme, but so far it's been pretty
easy.
I mean, I'm not going to lie, Iam not afraid of injections.
Like it's just not somethingthat bothers me.
I feel like I've talked aboutthis before, but when I go
someplace and I get blood drawn,they try to like psych me out,
like, okay, just calm down.
I'm like no, it's fine.
(01:06):
And if I breathe during theprocess, they're like are you
okay?
And I'm like yeah, I'm justbreathing.
I'd like to breathe out whenthey put the needle in.
You know, I have been recordingevery single session, that I've
been giving myself shots and Iwant to put together like a
compilation video of what it allentails and how I'm doing with
it.
But for today I just want togive you guys an update as to
(01:27):
what it has been like.
There have been some trials andtribulations.
You know.
If I feel my tummy now whereall of the shots have gone, it's
I really don't have liketenderness or anything like that
.
I will say that, like my boobsare tender and a little bit
bigger.
I'm wearing the bras that Istopped wearing because they
weren't fitting and now they doso cool.
(01:48):
Other than that, like it's kindof fine.
Yesterday I went on a long walkand I could feel it's hard to
describe like where the pain was, if it like where your legs
meet your pelvis.
There's kind of like a bigtendon right there.
I would say it was like an inchhigher than there.
(02:09):
There was like a little bit oflike I don't know how to
describe it.
It's just kind of like a littlebit of a like pinchy pressure
and I was like maybe that is myfollicles getting bigger and
it's pushing somewhere else.
I don't know, but that's kindof been about it.
The estrogen priming killed myback.
When you saw me last, I was inexcruciating pain.
(02:31):
I wasn't sleeping and I am hereto report that last night, in
this very bed, I slept a solidseven hours or something,
because my sleep has been so badthe past two weeks, like Apple
Health notified me and said likeyeah, right, girl, because it
(02:51):
was a solid two hours less sleepevery single night, which is
difficult because this is a timewhere you want to sleep, this
is a time where you want to geta lot of rest.
So I was taking midday naps andstuff, but it just it wasn't
hitting, because the problem wasI had such bad back pain.
If I was up and moving, I wasfine, but I was so tired I
(03:12):
didn't want to be up and moving,so I would lay down because I
was tired and then my back wouldseize up and I had to get up
and move around.
So it was just this like neverending cycle.
That was really terrible.
Every three hours I was wakingup just in excruciating pain.
I slept with a heating padwhich would make me sweaty,
which normally wakes me up.
(03:32):
I could tell my body was tryingto sleep through the sweating
because I'd wake up and be likesweatier than normal but in more
pain.
It was just awful and I thinkthat now, you know, on knock on
wood, I think that back pain isdone.
Hopefully tomorrow night I getanother you know, seven, eight
(03:53):
hours of sleep, like I just got.
And like, honestly, I woke upthis morning and was like I can
do fucking anything like watchout, world's my oyster, like.
I woke up kind of with likeChristmas morning feeling it
felt great.
It felt great guys Felt reallynice and I just feel better
today.
(04:14):
Am I having hormonal anxieties?
Maybe Sites of family troublescrop up this week that aren't
really outside of the bounds ofanything I regularly experience.
They are ever present, nothingbetween my mom and I, but it did
kind of set me on edge.
(04:34):
I did cry about it a lot, butI've cried about it in the past,
so it's hard to tell what itwas.
It did coincide with anothersituation that we'll talk about
as I kind of go through therundown of my days.
It just made me really, reallyupset.
So I don't think the, I don'tthink the hormones are affecting
(04:55):
me.
I think it's all just kind ofnormal.
So let's go through day by daymy last five days of injections
and I'll let you guys know kindof how those played out and then
at the end there's going to bea whole compilation video of
everything that'll be releasedon YouTube that you can go check
out.
Day one like actually gettingall the medication together.
It was overwhelming.
So there are three shots thatI'm taking in the evenings right
(05:18):
now.
So it's Menopur, it isFollistim and Zomactin.
You would think, becausethey're all just shots, they
would all be prepared the sameway.
But they're all prepared atotally different way.
The Menopur I have two bottlesthat I have to mix with a little
bottle of sterilized water.
Then I have the Follistim,which goes into a pen, and then
(05:41):
I have the Zomactin, which Ihave to mix into a bottle, and
then this little tiny bottle Iuse multiple days in a row.
That stays with me.
So I have a different needle Ihave to get to put that into.
Each one is done a little bitdifferently but kind of
similarly, so sometimes it canget a little bit confusing.
And that first day inparticular I was really nervous
because I was like I need anhour to prep for all these
(06:04):
different things.
Now that I've done five days ofshots.
I can prepare it a little bitfaster, I know it a little bit
better, but that doesn't meanmistakes aren't made and again
we'll get to that.
You know, day one I was stilljust contending with these
really bad back pains, and theback pains were like shooting
into different areas.
So I know it's all like kind ofrelated to my uterus, but I was
like why am I feeling get up inmy ribs, like up in the back,
(06:28):
and then I would kind of feel itaround the side of my ribs too.
It's kind of like, you know,when you get that gas that gets
trapped in like your shoulder,like I've talked to some people
about this and they're like Ihave no idea what you're talking
about.
And then I've talked to otherfriends who are as gassy as I am
and they're like oh yeah, likeelbow gas, and I was like, yeah,
man, it kind of felt like that.
It felt like pain that was justbeing redirected into different
(06:49):
places and I just felt stiffall over.
So actually giving the shotswas fine that night.
I did that in this bed.
That's why I'm recording frommy bed today, because it just
feels appropriate, because she'sseeing me through a lot.
Laying down wasn't difficult.
So then the next day I thought,oh, maybe I'll, I'll just sit
up on the couch and I'll do iton the couch this time for
(07:11):
whatever reason.
Like the angle just wasn't asgood as laying down.
Laying down seems to work forme well, if I'm propped up a
little bit too.
The second day I had leggingson and I was like I just wished
I had sweatpants that I couldpull down further, because
negotiating leggings and andlike love handles and grabbing
(07:32):
tummy fat and it was all toomuch.
I learned that doing themenopure first is the way to go
for me, because I want to getthe worst of it over.
So Follistim and Zomactin Ireally don't like feel anything.
And the needles it's almostlike a mosquito bite, like
they're so tiny.
The Menopur is a little bitbigger and then as I'm putting
(07:53):
it in, I feel it going in and itsays sting, it does burn, it's
kind of like a cold burn and itseems like there's more of that
medication.
I have to pump in.
That one I did last on thefirst day and I was like, oh,
this is easy, oh, this is easy.
So I've learned just do thatone first and let it sit for a
(08:18):
second and then do the other twobecause they're easier.
Zmactin is the easiest.
It's in a very tiny littlesyringe and it's got a very tiny
little needle and it just goesin really quick.
It's a very small amount ofliquid.
The Follistim would be easy ifit was just one.
It's a pen, so it kind of lookslike an EpiPen or something
(08:40):
like that and you just push downon, like pushing a ballpoint
pen, and the syringe on it'svery short, very tiny, very fine
, however.
So I have to take 300milliliters of that one, and so
I have 300 milliliter vials, butthe vials are all overfilled.
It behooves me to use theentire vial, so I prepare it and
(09:02):
then I have to bring with me anextra vial.
So I've been preparingeverything in the kitchen and
then I bring it into my room ona tray, my mise en place, as
Ariana said.
So when I do that, it's like Iprepare the follow-stim pen, but
then I also prepare bring withme another vial, bring with me
another needle, because then Iput in as much as I can, and
(09:23):
then the pen stops and I lookand I see however many
milliliters I have left, like 75or 200 or 100, whatever.
So then I have to switch out,put another vial in the pen and
do it all over again.
What should just be three shotssometimes is four shots a night
, and that is annoying.
That's just annoying.
I wish I had like a bigfollow-stim pen that had all of
(09:45):
my medication just every night.
I could just use it.
But um and now, and just forclarity, the pen you put a new
syringe on the top of it everytime you use it.
You don't keep using the samesyringe over and over.
So yeah, so that second nightthat was when I learned oh, I'm
gonna keep using this pen, haveto prepare myself, I feel like.
(10:06):
After that night of shots I tooka note here and I wrote down
that I felt energy in my lovehandles.
Take a shot.
Every time I say love handlesin this episode it was just like
a weird kind of zip kind of.
But I haven't felt anythingsince then.
The only feeling I feelafterwards now is the feeling of
(10:29):
the men appear when it goes in,and sometimes like for a second
or two after I just sit therewith a little ice pack on it and
a note on ice packs I got theselittle ice packs from Amazon,
which I will link below.
Any item I'm mentioning, I'lllink it below, and if you click
on that link I'll get a littlebit of a kickback, which, as a
(10:51):
single mom, soon to be not a badthing.
I got these little round icepacks it was a pack of I think
five of them and then it camewith sort of an ace bandage that
has a pocket in it, and so it'sgreat, because when I have a
migraine I can put it around myhead like a World War I veteran.
Or before my shots, as I'mprepping all of this, I put it
on like a belt and I kind oflook at my belly and go, okay,
(11:12):
where am I least bruised today,where did I do my last shots?
And I just wear it on my belly.
And so then that way, for the20 minutes or so that I'm
preparing all the shots becauseunwrapping all the stuff takes a
long time, because unwrappingall the stuff takes a long time
everything is wrapped in plastic.
I have that iced, so then I dothe menopure and then I put the
ice pack on, which is is nice.
(11:32):
Also a note on the wrapping.
There's so much trash and I'mtrying to be really good about
separating it and obviously allthe sharps go in the sharp
container but like, if there'splastic wrap, I save that for
like my plastic wrap recycling.
And if there are little capsthat, I save that for like my
plastic wrap recycling.
And if there are little capsthat come off that don't go on
the syringes but they go oneither from something else,
(11:55):
whatever, I'll put that in therecycling and everything.
So I'm trying to be assustainable as possible, but
it's very difficult.
And I realized on that night toothat I've gained some weight.
I gained since COVID and theloss of my dad and all the grief
that ensued from that.
I've gained about 30 pounds andI'm not necessarily mad about
(12:16):
it right now because it gives mea good little like skin to
pinch.
It's a good little little patof fat to put this into and I'm
like this would be so muchharder if I was a skinny mini.
I just feel like it would begoing like right if I was a
skinny mini.
I just feel like it would begoing like right into muscle and
that can be painful.
So let's be grateful for thebodies we have at the moment,
right.
Also, night two is when Inoticed that my dreams are a
(12:37):
little bit more vivid sensetaking all of this stuff.
So I've had some really strangedreams and if you're into dream
analysis, like, please tell me,like, what does it mean when
you dream about big, cavernousspaces, like I have dreams about
?
There's this version of Vegasin my head I've been to Vegas
(12:58):
and it's not that Vegas, butit's sort of a similar thing
where there are all these likereally big sprawling spaces
connected.
And then I also have thisversion of like Waikiki that is
the same, which is not.
I've been to Waikiki, it's notlike that, but I have these
dreams of these big, sprawlingspaces.
And I had a dream that I workedat the Apple store again, which
I worked there for a year backin like 2013.
(13:21):
And I had a dream that I wentback to work there for a day and
it wasn't the tiny little storeI worked in, it was this like
like three or four Best FivesLike imagine an Apple store that
was like a Costco or somethinglike very, very strange.
And so that night in particularI'm trying to remember the
dreams that I have too, becausethey're so strange I had a dream
(13:44):
that I was like in directingclass, which is a class I took
for my theater major, but it waslike a film directing class and
like you could only film duringthe class.
Like you had to film a short ina two hour class, which is
impossible, not impossible.
The scope I had, it wasimpossible.
(14:06):
But like Harrison Ford wasthere and the scope I had, it
was impossible.
But like Harrison Ford wasthere and he like I had him
explain to everybody who StevenSpielberg was.
And then later Tom Holland andZendaya were there, but we were
all like best friends but likeobviously they were together and
I was like happy for them and Iwas just like so grateful that
I got to share in their love.
And but Tom Holland was mad atme because I had made friends
(14:28):
with Hunter Schaefer in anotherclass and I was like she's just
a classmate, like I'm not likefriends with her, and I guess
she had hurt Zendaya in some way, maybe during filming of
Euphoria, I don't know.
It was a very weird, but TomHolland was very small and he
was crying in a bathtub.
So the next night night, three Iwas dreaming about these are my
(14:49):
notes dolphin training, vinDiesel, new Zealand lunch buffet
, hamburger hamburger train,begging a cook to make me eggs.
What does it mean?
Vin Diesel was there, I thinkhe he wasn't a dolphin trainer,
but he was like familiar withthe dolphins, like he was a
(15:09):
friend of the trainers and wewere in New Zealand.
I don't know who we was, butjust like I knew I was with a
group of people and there was alunch buffet but like it was
brunch time and some of thepeople that I was with it was
like I think it was a group likevacation and some of the people
I was with had gotten breakfastitems.
But I was like talking topeople maybe the dolphin
(15:32):
trainers and missed it.
And so I like asked the cookbehind the lunch buffet I'm like
I know you've put out the lunchfood, but can I please have
eggs?
Like what can?
What do I have to do for you tomake me eggs?
And he was like oh, there'ssome stuff over there and I went
and there was like a machinethat there was a machine that
(15:53):
made hamburgers, but it was atrain, it was a hamburger train,
so we'll train.
Like went around the track andit was like assembly line of it
would like it was very likeWilly Wonka in fashion, like.
So that was day three.
Um, day three, I went back tothe bed too, so I had a little
comfy space.
Day four was when I had myemotional breakdown.
(16:16):
As mentioned before, theMenopur bottles I have three of
those and I have one Zomactinbottle, so they're all the same
size.
I also mentioned earlierthere's a lot of trash that is
involved with this.
Maybe you see where I'm goingwith this.
Day four, I got out all mystuff to prep and I was like
where is my Zomactin bottle?
(16:37):
Where is the $600 vial ofZomactin?
In the trash?
I threw it away becauseeverything is just all together
and there's so little liquid inthe Zomactin vial, so I'd
already done three shots with it, but there were probably like
another two shots in there,which does mean I'm going to
(16:59):
have to buy another bottle ofZomactin, and this is the one
that I was like consideringgoing to Tijuana to get.
Like it's difficult to get.
There's no other place to getit except for Schraff's.
Which is fine, they have it.
It's not the end of the world.
I FaceTime my mom as I'm doingall this because she wants to be
involved and she wants tosupport.
She feels terrible that she'snot here right now.
So she was telling me it's fine.
(17:21):
It's sort of this ingrainedthing I have from when I was a
kid of like screwing things upand this mortal fear of like
what am I going to do?
This is the end of the world.
And I just felt like shit, thisis the end of the world.
You know, she is helping me payfor this medication.
It would be one thing if I hadtotally disposable income and it
was like it's fine, I'll buy it, but that stuff is like
(17:42):
priceless to me at this moment,although there is price on it
and my mom can help and we'reokay and it'll be fine.
But it was a really shitty,shitty feeling.
And then, coupled with a familydrama that I'm going through, I
just sobbed.
I cried so hard.
I think it was a good breakdownthat I needed to have.
I don't begrudge myself it.
(18:03):
You know like I needed to feelthose feelings and ultimately I
feel like stronger for it.
The drama that's going on withmy family and the ways that
certain people have reacted tothe process or not reacted to
the process either.
It's illuminating.
The support that I'm gettingfrom people really shows me like
(18:26):
they may be friends.
But that's my family, those aremy people, the ones that are
there supporting me, not thepeople who don't support me.
I'll just leave it at that, soI don't want to stir up any more
trouble.
That was a hard night and thenyesterday I went to the doctor
to get all my follicles checkedand everything looks great.
I had my labs taken.
(18:47):
They said to maintain the samedosage that I'm taking right now
.
I had a trans vag ultrasoundand she counted all my ovaries
and most of them are growing.
Most of them are respondingpretty well.
My tech said that sometimesshe's really funny.
She uses a party analogy and shealso listens to this podcast.
So, hey, girl.
But she uses the party analogyof like we're having a party
(19:08):
right now.
This is like a little likefollicle dance party and I've
invited all of them, but somedon't RSVP and some that didn't
RSVP do end up showing up andsome that do show up don't want
to take the drugs becausethey're not interested in the
drugs.
But they may be interested inthe drugs later, after they see
how much fun everybody's having.
(19:28):
I asked too I was like, howabout plus ones?
Do we have any plus ones?
And she was like, yeah,sometimes a follicle might drop
two eggs, so you never know.
And uh, we just maintain acertain course here and you know
, we just keep hosting the partyand that's all I'm doing is
just hosting a little party inmy belly.
(19:49):
I'm feeling good now that I'vegotten a full night's rest and I
went for that long walkyesterday and I also went to the
grocery store and stocked up onlike hella snacks.
So I'm set.
I just everything is feelinggood except for the family drama
.
Everything is feeling good.
I'm just touched by theresponse I'm getting from people
(20:09):
.
I'm touched by the messagesthat I'm getting from you guys.
It's just nice.
I will say that during thisperiod it is really difficult to
maintain a sense of likerealistic thinking versus
optimistic thinking, and itreally isn't a versus thing.
It shouldn't have to be aversus thing, it's, it's an and
thing.
They just have to live together.
(20:31):
But it's really hard to keepthinking to myself positively of
like this is great, this isgoing well, everything's gonna
work out just fine, coupled withwell.
Ivf only works 50% of the time.
I did have a conversation withMichael yesterday, which was
really great because he's hadsome different thoughts about
our arrangement that he's been.
(20:54):
I don't want to say strugglingisn't the right word, but just
like considering in his mind andhe has sought out people who
were like the children of donorsraised by single moms and stuff
.
And he was able to have areally good conversation with a
friend of his who allayed someof the fears he's been having.
And then we ended up talkingabout it and again I mentioned
(21:16):
this in the past but just Ican't help but feel like what he
and I are pursuing is so muchmore planned out than like so
many pregnancies I've witnessed.
Like not to hate on y'all ifyou're a heterosexual couple who
just had a baby, but like likedamn, we're talking about our
feelings a lot, feelings a lot,and we're like talking through
(21:42):
like how we feel aboutdiscipline and how we feel about
education and how we feel aboutlike worldliness and like it
just it just feels good, it justfeels like so in sync, and I
couldn't be more glad that I'mdoing it with him.
Like I have this question aboutdo I want to do the embryo
testing when the time comes?
(22:03):
And I love that I can go to himand be like, can you watch
these couple of YouTube videosand like tell me what you think,
cause you are like, lab work ishis line of business.
He understands it really well.
So I'm like, watch these videosand tell me what you think and
I will get a solid answer fromhim.
It's just great.
I'm just, I'm just reallytickled.
(22:26):
What else did we talk about?
Oh, my God, there's somethingelse that we talked about that
was like so relevant to what I'mrecording right now and it's
just gone out of my head.
Maybe I'm getting a littleforgetful on the hormones, maybe
just a little bit.
Uh see, earlier when I said Ithrew away a $600 vial of
medication, oh, I know, and Iwas talking to Michael and I
said this is the rate of successfor IVF.
(22:47):
Right, it's like 50% orwhatever.
I don't have the actual numberin front of me.
I'll put it at the bottom, I'llput it right here, if you're
watching on YouTube.
When was that study done andwho was it done on?
Because a lot of people thathave pursued IVF in the past
have done it because offertility issues.
Right, I don't have a fertilityissue, like, my numbers are
(23:09):
relatively good, michael'snumbers are relatively good,
they're his, I mean, if they're,we're at average or better for
our age.
We also neither of us smoke.
I drink more than he does, butI also like go through really
long bouts of sobriety because Ijust don't, I'm not going out
(23:30):
or I just don't have an interestin it like I used to.
So he stays pretty active.
I'm a fidgeter by nature, soI'm always up and around and
flitting about, so active enough, like I wonder what the success
rate is on IVF for people whodon't have fertility issues
right.
Like, am I crazy to think thatI'm in a better spot Because
(23:53):
health wise, I'm in a betterspot?
I don't know.
That being said, I turned 40 inJanuary, so you know, who knows
, who knows I?
Just overall, right now I feelgood and I want to maintain that
and trying to eliminate thethings in my life that are
causing me stress.
Taking it slow and going withthe flow, baby, enjoying my
(24:19):
doctor's appointments because mygals at the Kind Body in
Newport are great.
We're moving into the actualoffice, so no more visiting the
RV, although I hope I reallydon't have to go to the office
because everything worked in theRV.
I have an appointment tomorrowand we're just going to keep
checking and then, once I get toI think they said something
like 18 mil when my folliclesgrow to be about twice the size
(24:44):
they are right now is when Istart taking an additional shot,
and I guess sometime next weekis going to be the egg retrieval
Nervous because I haven't linedanybody up to take me to that
and that's going to be a thing.
Yeah, I just want this to workand I just want to have a little
nugget right here.
The bassinet's going to be onthis side.
I hope that I don't have to lookback on these videos and be sad
(25:07):
about planning as much as I did, but I just feel good about it.
It just feels like the righttime.
It feels like everything'slighting up.
Just keep wishing me luck andyou know, rate, review,
subscribe, like, share, do allthe things that you can do.
Um, if you have a friend thatyou think could benefit from
(25:27):
this, please send it along.
And thank you again for all thewonderful things you guys are
saying and all the well wishesI'm getting and, uh, I'll see
you next week.
The Backup Plan is created,produced and hosted by me,
meredith Kate.
Julian Hagans is my co-producer.
You can find us on social mediaat BackupPlanPod, the best
(25:47):
place to get updates is to signup for our newsletter at
BackupPlanPodcom, where we alsopost all episodes, show notes
and transcripts.
Thank you for listening.
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