May 8, 2024 • 33 mins
What’s it like to have an egg retrieval for IVF at KindBody? Meredith just had hers and she’s here to share the results - how many eggs were retrieved, how many were mature, and how many were fertilized with her gay best friend’s sperm. WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE.
OTHER EPISODES REFERENCED:
- The attempted break-in! - https://backupplanpod.com/21-january-was-wild/
- Meet Krystina - https://backupplanpod.com/9-to-breed-or-not-to-breed-w-krystina-arielle-whitney-warren
Read the full blog post for this episode - https://backupplanpod.com/33-egg-retrieval-surgery/
---
I'm becoming a single mother by choice using a known donor; I'm so stoked to be having a baby with my gay best friend. After a few tries with the turkey baster in 2023, I turned to IVF in Spring of 2024.
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Created, produced and hosted by Meredith Kate, co-produced by Julian Hagins.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Okay, christina drove me to Santa Monica.
What are we going to do today?
Harvest some eggs.
Harvesting, harvesting,harvesting, harvesting.
We're going to make a baby.
Yeah, in college, my gay bestfriend and I joked that if we
hadn't found love by 40, we'dhave a baby with each other 20
(00:22):
years later.
I'm pulling the ripcord in loveby 40, you'd have a baby with
each other 20 years later.
I'm pulling the ripcord Fromdeciding on solo motherhood to
choosing IVF.
I'm Meredith and this is theBackup Plan.
Where did we last leave off?
Okay, so if you have beenwatching this podcast in real
time, I did not release anepisode for a week there, so
you're on a little bit of adelay now because things got
(00:47):
overwhelming.
They just did.
I wasn't expecting that,because I I don't know.
I I've joked in the past withfriends that I sort of have a
buffering response to likeemotions and feelings and stuff
like that.
So all of the feelings thatlike maybe somebody would have
along the way, just like caughtup with me all of a sudden, and
(01:08):
it was during trigger shot time,and then I had recorded an
episode and I went to edit itand something funky was
happening in my editing software, where everything was really
like jittery and glitchy andcould edit, but it was like a
delayed response to everything Iwas trying to do and it was my
(01:28):
anxiety was already goingthrough the roof.
So it just added more anxietyto the plate and I said you know
what we're going to just takethis time and hang out.
So trigger shot, egg retrieval,fertilization has all happened,
so let's get into this, let'scover it.
My follicles weren't reallybehaving the way that we wanted
them to.
They weren't really responsiveOnce we turn that medication up.
(01:51):
Well, maybe they respondedreally quickly.
And I actually had to takeganarelics, which keeps you from
ovulating.
I had to take an extra shot ofthat to hold it all in.
We went from 12 follicles whenI went for my first checkup to
20, which I was bananas about.
I looked at my chartsafterwards and I was just.
I was so excited, like to see20, just felt like a really good
(02:17):
, safe spot to be in.
I would say like half of themwere double digits.
I didn't want to count out thelittle ones.
I said you know, maybe we canstill get something out of that,
who knows, but it just feltgood Like it.
20 felt really nice to go intothe egg retrieval with the
trigger shots were a little bitintimidating in that I felt like
(02:39):
I had to get all of them in inthat 60 seconds when I hit nine
o'clock.
So when you go into this liketrigger shot process, like you
have one more extra time thatyou go into in my case the kind
body RV in Newport Beach, but inother people's cases an actual
doctor's office you go in forthis like one final check to see
(02:59):
where everything's at.
That's where I saw the 20follicles, got really excited,
talked to the nurses.
They kind of went over the shotprocess.
For me the trigger shot reallywas not any different than
setting up the other shots thatI had.
I think I'm trying to remember.
I know I had a mix one of them,but I don't remember if the
other one was already all set up.
I've recorded it so I can goback and watch.
(03:19):
And so they gave me a PDF aboutwhen to do the trigger shot.
So my trigger shot was 9 pm onThursday night and then my
retrieval was 8 am on Saturdaymorning.
So there's just like a veryspecific time you're triggering
your ovulation and it needs,however, many hours to get into
(03:40):
your system.
And so I was just nervous, likenine o'clock hit.
I have a cuckoo clock that Igot on my trip to Germany over
the holidays, the cuckoo clockand so the cuckoo is like cuckoo
, cuckoo, and I'm like, oh God,I've got to.
I gotta like clean my belly, oh, my hands clean, and like I was
(04:00):
nervous.
So that went in by like 9001,which worked, it was fine.
And then that next day was verystrange because I'd been taking
all these different shots, likemorning shots, night shots,
throughout the time, and thenthat next day I just didn't have
anything to do except take apregnancy test, which was fun
because I was like this is goingto be positive, I've taken all
(04:22):
the shots correctly, it's goingto be positive and it was.
So that was a very fun littlelike test run, I will say at
this point in the process Ifinally felt a lot of the side
effects and symptoms.
I was kind of expecting to feelthe whole way.
You know, I was expecting tofeel bloated and I finally did.
(04:42):
It felt like I had twoClementines in my belly.
I had a little bit of the bloat.
I've always joked that I havehereditary bloat, like it's just
part of my mom's side of thefamily, like we just have little
round bellies.
I don't know that I ever gotmore bloated than I've ever
gotten.
Also, as somebody with IBS likewe just we just used to bloat I
would say that I startedgetting more hormonal.
(05:04):
I would say that I startedgetting more anxious.
I really did expect like morebodily things to happen to me,
though.
I expected weird chin hairs andlike crazy acne and, honestly,
my skin was pretty clear thewhole time, which I just thought
was insane because I don't havegood skin.
So I don't know, maybe that'sthe progesterone part.
(05:25):
When it comes to theimplantation, I took it easy,
like I just I had had socialplans that I canceled.
I ended up doing a lot ofsitting on the couch.
I tried to go on some likegentle walks around the
neighborhood because I wasstarting to feel a little bit
more going on.
Again, it's kind of like anindigestion thing where I was
(05:45):
just kind of feeling stuffmoving around in there.
So I was so nervous aboutovarian torsion, which is a side
effect or it's something thatcan happen because your ovaries
are so overstimulated that Iguess they can like twist, twist
and shout.
I don't know.
I was born with a hernia.
(06:06):
When I was a baby and then whenI was two, my mom was washing
my hair and I didn't want to getmy hair washed, so I sat and I
just went and she watched me popa second hernia out and my
ovary came out.
I don't know if it was with theone that I was born with or the
one that I popped out, but myovary popped out with it.
So I'm always nervous aboutlike my ovaries kind of like
(06:27):
going wherever they please.
So I was pretty nervous aboutthis whole like ovarian hyper
stimulation situation.
Sometimes if I'm like twistedand I sneeze, I like feel it
down there and I know it's myovary, it's not my intestine or
anything like that.
So I'm just very careful aboutlike I am NOT going to twist, I
am going to sit very straight.
Anytime I felt a sneeze comingon, I would be like brace
(06:51):
yourself a chew.
Thankfully it doesn't seem likethe ovaries have gone anywhere.
So good job, meredith, for theactual egg retrieval.
I was nervous about getting aride.
So Julian, who helps me outwith the podcast from time to
time, has been my like surgerybuddy and he took me for the
last two foot things I had to do.
Julian was there when there wasan attempt in break in at my
(07:14):
house, if you'll recall, acouple weeks ago.
But guess who else is alsothere?
Christine, ariel, who you havemet as a guest in the past.
And when Julian wasn't able tocome to the egg retrieval
because it kept getting pushedback, christina came through and
so she was my ride.
I don't feel as bad asking herfor that, because she's actually
a little bit closer to me thana lot of friends.
(07:36):
So it ended up working outreally well.
So we had to be in Santa Monicaat 7am and standard surgery
procedures which, because of allthe stuff that I've gone
through on my foot, I'm veryused to.
At this point, just like youcan't wear any jewelry, you have
to have clean nails.
If you start losing oxygen,your nails will turn blue.
(07:56):
So you know, took off all myjewelry, took off all my nail
polish, no makeup, no deodorant,no lotions, and I've learned
like what kind of comfy clothesare easiest to like put on.
Take off, especially whenyou're under the effects of
anesthesia.
We got to kind body.
Because it was a early, earlyon a Saturday morning, like
(08:16):
street parking was super easyChristina was not prepared for
how nice the office was.
I was like you'll probably justwant to hang out in the waiting
room and she was like, allright.
And then we got there and shewas like like, oh yeah, no, I'll
hang out in this room.
They took me back prettyquickly.
Um, what I liked about the kindbody surgical facility is that,
(08:38):
you know, it's only dedicatedto that.
Like, I have been to theseother surgery centers for my
foot and stuff and they're just,you know, kind of barren and
anybody can be in the waitingroom.
And it was nice to know that,like, like, everybody was there
for the same thing.
There were three egg retrievalsthat were happening on the day
that I went in.
So there was a woman before meand a woman after me.
(08:58):
I was smack dab in the middle.
You know, they take you backand they have these four little
recovery rooms which werebasically like glorified walk-in
closets.
They were very tiny but theyhad these, um, big recliners for
you to sit in.
Um, they're, I mean, likehospital recliners.
It would have been nice if theywere like lazy boys, but it was
like hospital recliner.
And that's where they came inand they had me sign all the
(09:19):
different forms for, you know,release, and they did my IV in
there.
I hate IVs Cause I just, oh, assoon I don't mind needles, but
like when an IV is in me and Iknow that like, oh, if I like
bend my elbow, I'm going to feelit in there.
Oh, I hate, oh, I hate it.
I hate it so much I don't wantto feel it in me.
(09:40):
There was a gal that went inbefore me as I was coming in.
She was taking her littlebasket of, like the surgical
gown and the little booties andeverything.
So she was walking into thebathroom to do that as I came in
and sat down, and so then, asthey gave me my little basket to
put my clothes in and to changeinto the surgical gown, she was
(10:01):
being wheeled in.
So then I'm sitting there andwaiting and, um, I actually had
a really long conversation withthe nurse there.
Her name was Lauren and she wasreally sweet and she's recently
gone through loss, like I have.
So we kind of like vibed andchatted about that and it was
just nice to have somebody tolisten to me, especially in
these moments where, like I'msaying no, I'm fine, like I'm
(10:22):
not anxious.
It's totally cool, don't evenworry about it, I am, and so to
just have somebody to talk toand go through a big moment with
was really nice and she wasjust really sweet.
So by the time I was in mysurgical gown and they had my IV
in me, a new person was cominginto another recovery room prep
room and the other gal wascoming out and they were very
(10:44):
respectful too.
The recovery rooms.
It wasn't just like a curtainthat they pulled across, it was
a door, it was like a bifolddoor out of like beautiful white
Oak and they would close thatas the people went through or
came back out for privacy, whichwas really cool.
But I did hear the doctor comeout and tell the first girl how
many eggs they retrieved, and itwas four and I was like, oh, I
(11:07):
don't want to hear that.
Like I have 20 follicles, likea bunch of them are ripe.
I don't want to hear the numberfour.
I don't like.
I didn't want to hear how theywere relaying the information to
her, like to somehow.
To me that was some kind of aprojection thing like into the
future, of like that's what'sgoing to sound like for you in
mere moments.
So I didn't like love that andI was just nervous about that.
(11:29):
And four is a lucky number forme, but in this case I don't
want four, I want more than four.
So at that point I they had theygot had me walk into the
surgery room which had like themost beautiful shade pink
ceiling.
Which doctors can we talk aboutceilings like your patients are
looking up at them?
A lot like, put something niceup there, at least a nice color.
(11:52):
The pink was nice.
So I went in and the table youknow, stirrups are awful, like
they're just necessary butterrible.
And I got in and they're kindof explaining how you know
they're setting things up andthey're.
You know, a guy came in at onepoint and so everybody I've
dealt with at this place is awoman, and so then all of a
sudden, a guy comes in and Ihave a blanket over me so I like
(12:14):
I'm covered.
However, I was like sir, excuseyou, and they're like, oh, this
is Zach, he's the embryologist.
And so I was like, oh shit,like that's the guy that's going
to make my baby, potentially.
You know, in like in seconds.
That was the wild thing aboutthis whole thing is that, like
you know, when Michael went infor his donation, he donated and
(12:35):
we left and that was put into afreezer and we didn't think
about it anymore.
You know, when I have my thingdone, I mean first of all I have
to go to sleep, but second ofall, by the time I wake up,
stuff's already happening.
You know what I mean.
Like embryos are being made,and so it was just kind of such
a trippy headspace to be in toknow that it was happening, like
(12:57):
there's no going back, likeit's really actually happening.
Uh, I was told that Zach wasreally funny, I think at that
point.
So at this point, like they'restarting to give me fluids
because you can't eat or drinkfor 12 hours prior to the
surgery, or nine out, they toldme to stop after midnight and
then I was in at eight.
So eight hours, um.
(13:19):
So I'm pretty thirsty at thispoint.
I want my morning water.
You know, definitely hungry atthis point.
So then when they start thefluids, like I'm feeling it felt
like kind of prickly a littlebit.
Um, especially in my netherregions it was very strange.
And so they come in, zach comesin.
They're like oh Zach, he'sreally funny, he's an
embryologist, but they've takenmy glasses off at this point and
(13:40):
I think they were starting topump more drugs into my system.
It's really hard.
If you have excellent vision,like good for you, I have
terrible vision.
So as soon as they take off myglasses, like I can't see
anything clearly, like from hereout, like I'm done, so the
entire room is just foggy andthere's a man I can tell he has
(14:01):
a beard and so because he has abeard, I'm already like more
interested and I was like Ithink he's cute, like I want him
to come over and introducehimself closer so I can see the
features of his face, cause Iwant to see if, like a cute
bearded man is making my embryos.
Any kind of nerves oranxiousness I have at the
doctor's office immediatelytranslates to like some sort of
(14:22):
like vaudevillian, like routine,like I'm telling jokes, I am
goofing around, like I am onfire, basically when I'm at the
doctor's award-winning comedicperformances.
So uh yeah, they start pumpingme.
You know, they put the oxygenthing on my nose.
I have arranged myself downlike shimmied to the end of the
(14:45):
table and I've got myself in thestirrups and the paper blanket
is over me Right before I wentunder.
I know that I said make meproud.
And I was out.
I do not remember how I got backinto the recovery room.
I don't know if I was walked, Idon't know if they like wheeled
(15:08):
my chair in and then how theygot me from the table to the
chair.
But really that's not for me toworry about, because I did, I
made it and it's fine.
So I slowly like started towake up there TBH guys, I love
anesthesia Like it's such a,it's such a cool nap, like it's
great.
I think it's because my head isconstantly going and so, like,
(15:28):
when I sleep sometimes it's noteven like great sleep, because
I'm like dreaming wild dreams,as we've discussed in the past.
To have it all turn off is liketruly magnificent.
I woke up and the doctor came inand she told me that they have
retrieved nine eggs.
Nine eggs, which is not badconsidering, you know, the
(15:49):
Monday prior to this, I wasreally worried about how I was
responding to anything and I wasonly seeing like a couple of
eggs in the double digits.
So then to get up to nine feltgreat.
I had in my head the numbereight for whatever reason, so
nine felt like anoverachievement, which is what
(16:10):
every cell in my body is everaccustomed to.
So I was like, okay, cool, Isurpassed whatever inner number
I had guessed for myself and Ifeel kind of good about that.
I wanted double digits, butnine felt good.
I FaceTimed my mom prettyimmediately and was just like so
(16:31):
drugged, and then I recordedmyself which, for your benefit,
they got nine.
I feel good, even though myhat's crooked Good, even though
(16:53):
my hat's crooked Pretty good.
I then FaceTime Michael who,like God bless him.
I didn't know he had a racethat day and so he picked up his
phone in the middle of the raceand he was like normally I
don't run with my phone, but Iknew you had news coming, and so
I told him nine and he was likehappy about that.
And then I told him I remembertelling him to run like the wind
(17:14):
bullseye.
Then I took another video thisis a good one and I will narrate
over it as we're playing ithere.
I am mugging for the camera Idon't not attractively and then
they'd given me these Belvitacookies which I thought were
really good.
So I was like I gotta mark theoccasion.
(17:36):
So I wish I'd recorded more.
To be honest, I wish I'drecorded more.
I think I spent more time inrecovery than I did like through
the whole process.
I kind of looked at the timemarkers.
It seemed like I was inrecovery for about an hour.
It didn't feel like it.
And then I came out and wastexting Christina and she wasn't
(17:58):
coming.
So then I, like FaceTimed her.
She didn't stay in the waitingroom, turns out she went to
Target next door and then sheFaceTimed my mom and they talked
for a good long while becausemy mom was like nervous about
the process and I thinkChristina was too.
So they, um, they just stayedon the phone with each other and
then she was, uh, a little latecoming to get me because she
(18:18):
was gabbing with my mom.
Those two, I tell you what.
So from there I was told to, uh, you know, very slowly bring
the food back into my diet, andI did not listen to that advice
and got Wendy's breakfast and itwas good and it was fine.
My stomach was fine.
Now, the egg retrieval was onSaturday.
(18:38):
We are now at Wednesday is whenI'm recording this.
I, my stomach has been weirdsince then because of the
anesthesia kind of stops you up.
Um, maybe it's bloat from myovaries but, honest to God, it
feels just like gas in mystomach.
So I've been chewing gas sexlike they're going out of style
and I know it'll regulate andstuff, but such is the life of a
(19:03):
poorly constructedgastrointestinal system.
The rest of the day after thatI thought I was going to come
home and watch TV.
Honestly, I just like scrolledthrough my phone all day.
I kept switching positions,like my bed, the couch and stuff
like that.
It was pretty easy.
I think I ordered food that day.
(19:24):
I don't remember what I ordered, I just took it easy.
I was assimilating nine into myhead, you know, and realized
like, oh, number nine is like aBeatles thing and that feels
good.
The Beatles were part of mychildhood.
So number nine, number nine,number nine like felt good, it
felt right.
(19:45):
I was not expecting to get acall the next day because it was
Sunday and I was told that Imight not get an update on the
fertilization process untilMonday.
So Sunday was just going to belike a nothing day for me.
Again, I had I had plans, uhthat I had to unfortunately
cancel because of the eggretrieval getting moved around
(20:05):
and everything.
So I was very surprised onSunday morning when I got a call
from an unknown number I havelearned to pick them up right
now because the process I'm inand it was my doctor.
She said I'm calling you for mykids' swim meet, so I'm sorry
if there is noise.
I was like no, I hear nothing.
So she asked me how I felt aboutthe number nine and I was like
great, and I kind of wentthrough everything, I just went
(20:28):
through here and then she saidwell, we, we have an update and
I wanted to call you and let youknow about it before.
You saw it in the portal andkind of had some questions and I
was like okay, and she said ofthe nine that were retrieved,
three were mature.
I felt very numb when she saidthat, because that is a big drop
(20:49):
.
It's a big drop.
I was kind of like I was kindof working with a 50% attrition
rate in my head, so I was kindof hoping that, you know, I mean
, I was hoping all of them wouldbe mature.
But uh, at least 50%, right?
So like four or five, althoughthree isn't far off from four,
is it?
So, um, she told me that threewere mature but all three
(21:13):
fertilized and I feel muchbetter about that now than I did
in the moment.
Uh, he did not feel good aboutit in the moment at all.
Um, a drop from nine to three ishuge and like I wasn't prepared
for an update, I was preparedto live with the number nine all
(21:34):
day Sunday, so that was justhard.
It would be much easier if Iknew you're getting an update
Now, you're getting an updateNow.
You're getting an update Now.
It's kind of been like amalleable You're probably going
to hear about this time.
Speaking of which I could hearany moment now how those three
fertilized eggs have progressedthrough the week.
(21:56):
Anyway, anywhere from today tolike Friday, I could know.
And so we just keep looking atthe phone and I I felt like
wildly let down.
On Sunday I told people that ifit had been like six eggs were
(22:18):
mature and three fertilized,like for whatever reason, like
that like step down approach,would feel better to me, even if
it's the same outcome, becauseit just feels like if it can
drop by six, because it justfeels like if it can drop by six
, then I could just lose it allat the end.
And on Saturday I was feelingso good with nine eggs retrieved
(22:40):
and I remember like calling mymom very specifically at this
one moment and being like Idon't think I have to do this
again, like nine eggs is greatand we should get something out
of that.
We could get two rounds out ofthat.
Like if I can make two embryosout of that three embryos,
that'd be great.
And now I have been in a spaceover the last couple of days
(23:03):
where it's like if I have, if Ionly have, three, that that
could totally drop again and Imay have to go through all of
this again and I don't want to.
Who wants to?
Anybody who's at this positiondoing IVF does not want to do
what they're doing.
They just want it to happen.
(23:23):
So it's been really tough.
The thing that has been strangeto me is a lot of people when I
tell them three fertilized,they're like oh my God, that's
amazing and that's not theresponse I'm expecting and it
throws me for a loop and uh, Idon't know.
I'm just because I've been in amore positive, I don't know
(23:44):
because I've been able to sitwith it.
Now three doesn't feel so awful.
I've been referring to them asHuey, dewey and Louie, although
I was typing to my mom and Icalled them Huey, dewey and
Louie, although I was typing tomy mom and I called them Huey,
dewey and Louise, which made melaugh really hard.
Three could be great.
And what if all three make it?
That could be very cool.
So why did it drop from nine tothree?
(24:06):
It could be because my bodydidn't respond to the drugs
until the end.
It could be that.
So if I do have to go throughthis again, we can do a
different routine dose orwhatever to mature them up a
little bit faster.
At the beginning, when I calledMike and I told him that we had
three fertilized, he was likeare you mad at your doctors?
(24:28):
And I was like, no, that's nothow it works.
I said you know, it's becausemy body maybe didn't respond to
the drugs.
And he was like well, are youmad?
They didn't give you more.
And I was like that's notreally how it works, because I
think his thought process, as Iwas explaining it, was that well
, since my body wasn'tresponding, I should have stayed
on the drugs longer and waitedfor the retrieval.
(24:50):
And I was like I don't thinkyou can wait much longer than I
waited.
I think there's a certain pointwhere, like you got to get them
out or you're going to pop so.
So in the past week, likedealing with that, I've dealt
with some more family drama.
That's really kind of come to ahead.
So I reached out to a newtherapist and I have a therapist
now.
I have not had one for a coupleof months and you know it's
(25:13):
funny like you go when you go totherapy and you kind of like
build up this like callus andyou're like I'm good, I can face
the world, like look at allthis like emotional work I've
done and suddenly, like thecallus gets shaved off and
you're like, oh shit, I gotta, Igotta go back.
Here's my routine for finding atherapist.
When you don't have one, I goto my insurance website and I go
(25:35):
to like find a provider, findcare or whatever, and I'll do a
filtered search of, like youknow, therapy, psychology,
whatever it's going to be in thedrop down menu, right, I'm
always looking for women.
So I click women and you knowin the near area.
So that's going to show youwhich therapists take your
insurance and then from there,if there are profiles to read,
(25:59):
I'll go through and like readthe profile of what they
specialize in.
If I can cross reference theirname with, like a Google search,
some kind of a review of theirservices, I'll do that.
And then I kind of have like ablanket email that I'll send out
to like two or three of them,because a lot of times, you know
, the profiles are outdated,they're not accepting new
(26:20):
patients, whatever.
So I'll send out an emailthat's like Hi, I'm Meredith,
I'm looking for a therapist, youknow, with this kind of
experience or whatever.
Found your name through myinsurance portal, are you
accepting new patients?
And I'll send that out to thetwo or three.
Wait to see who replies back.
And it's, you know, it's reallygood if they have their own
(26:41):
website too, and I do thatcross-reference, because then
their own website has a littlebit more information about what
they do and what they'respecializing in.
So I went to my insurancewebsite this time to find that
and I noticed a little portalthat said like spring health for
, you know, mental wellness orwhatever buzzwords we're using
(27:01):
right now.
And turns out it's this wholeportal where I went in and I put
in again what I'm looking forand I was able to book an
appointment like immediatelythrough that, rather than asking
them if they are available oraccepting patients.
I was lucky that with thesearch terms I was working
within the filtered search, Ifound somebody who in their
(27:23):
profile says I deal specificallywith, you know, fertility
issues, postpartum, blah, blah,blah, and I was like thrilled.
I was like this is too good tobe true.
And she had an appointment thenext day.
I was sure that like I wasgoing to click it and then get
an email and be like actuallythis therapist died or something
wild right, like I was likethis is way too easy.
But it worked and she was reallylovely and I was able to talk
(27:46):
through the family issues thatI'm dealing with.
I mean, those aren't fixed, butI was able to give her the
primer on it all.
And then she had some questionsfor me about where I'm at in
the process and because shedeals so specifically with
fertility issues, like when Isay to her something like oh,
and suddenly like I had 20follicles, she knows what that
(28:06):
means in the process I didn'thave to like explain to her this
is how many I should have andthis is how many a normal person
has and here's how many.
I thought like she knew and shewent through like kind of a
basic rundown of like here'swhere I see you in the fertility
process, because I work withwomen who do this all the time,
and so you know having a baby islike a book, and here are the
(28:28):
different chapters you're at.
I would say you're kind of atlike chapter three and you know
what are your desires.
And I was able to explain toher that, like it's, it is my
wish to be a mother, notnecessarily to have a child, but
that I'm taking advantage ofthe ability to have a child
while I can, and if it doesn'twork, that's fine, we're going
to find other things.
And what's really cool too isthat she has worked in the um,
(28:52):
the social worker scene, and shesaid really cool too is that
she has worked in the socialworker scene and she said if
adoption is something you wantto do or foster care is
something you want to do, I candirect you through those sorts
of scenarios.
So that's really cool.
And then she told me I had noidea this was an option there
are embryo adoptions availableof parents who have created
(29:15):
embryos and aren't going to usethem for reasons X, y, z, but
they don't want them destroyedor they don't want them donated
to science or whatever.
So you can actually do embryoadoption, which is wild to me
and I don't know if I'minterested in it or not, but
it's crazy.
This world is crazy, isn't itor not?
But it's crazy.
This world is crazy, isn't it?
I mean in a good way sometimes.
(29:35):
So that's where I'm at.
Next update you're going to getis how many little embryos I
have.
Let's go for three.
Let's just say all three makeit.
Maybe they're all just reallystrong Huey, dewey and Louie
just kicking it together.
You know I would like that.
That would be nice.
Kicking it together.
(29:56):
You know I would like that.
That would be nice.
And if not, we figure out thenext steps.
I feel like I can do anotheregg retrieval if I have to.
My thought process at thispoint is that I can do probably
like three embryo transfers.
So if one more egg retrievaland three embryo transfers don't
work, then that's where wereally seek out other options.
But we don't think about thatnow.
We're just thinking about rightnow.
(30:16):
In this moment I have threefertilized eggs.
So wish me well.
Thanks for hanging in there forthat little week long break.
I'm glad to have a little bitof breathing room, because it
allows me to edit these videoswhen I am emotionally able to,
and it gives me a little bit ofbreathing room from like a lot
(30:39):
of people checking in at me allat once, which was really nice
at first and then reallyoverwhelming all of a sudden.
If you have reached out, thankyou Very sweet.
My brain and soul just likecan't take too much of it all at
once.
So if I don't respond back toyou, it's not a slight, it's
just that in a lot of cases Ihave to just like notice that
(31:05):
the grindstone get through myday.
There are, especially there are, times where like I just cannot
be emotional.
Like eight o' to like 11am Ihave to set myself up for the
day and then once I hit likelunchtime is like where my brain
kind of gets into a little bitmore of a holistic space and I
(31:25):
can contemplate the universe.
But if I don't get my daystarted like doing work, I will
devolve into like a prettyshitty spot, kind of swirl down
the toilet bowl a little bit andthen like my entire day is
wasted.
So you got to get as much doneas I can from eight to 11.
So, um, for the rest of theweek I have.
I'm going up to San Franciscowith Christina for a quick
(31:47):
little work thing and, uh, Ihave a comedy show I'm going to.
I have a lunch that I'm goingto.
So I have.
The rest of my week is stackedso that I don't have a lot of
time to wallow, because my againmy own being.
If I sit and really think aboutit all at once, I'm gone.
But if I can think about it inlittle chunks and process it
(32:10):
kind of slowly, I get through itbetter.
It's the, you know, it's likeit's.
It's the difference betweenlike eating a cheeseburger while
you drive or like sitting downto like a five course meal.
You know what I mean.
I have to do the five coursemeal with my emotions.
I cannot do cheeseburger on theroad because I will drive off
the road.
(32:30):
That's where I'm at, um, sothere you go, nice little
analogy on the way out.
Now I want a cheeseburger.
The Backup Plan is created,produced and hosted by me,
meredith Kate.
Julian Hagans is my co-producer.
You can find us on social mediaat Backup Plan Pod.
The best place to get updatesis to sign up for our newsletter
at BackupPlanPodcom, where wealso post all episodes, show
(32:53):
notes and transcripts.
Thank you for listening.
Okay, christina drove me to Santa Monica.
What are we going to do today?
Harvest some eggs.
Harvesting, harvesting,harvesting, harvesting.
We're going to make a baby.
Yeah, in college, my gay bestfriend and I joked that if we
hadn't found love by 40, we'dhave a baby with each other 20
(00:22):
years later.
I'm pulling the ripcord in loveby 40, you'd have a baby with
each other 20 years later.
I'm pulling the ripcord Fromdeciding on solo motherhood to
choosing IVF.
I'm Meredith and this is theBackup Plan.
Where did we last leave off?
Okay, so if you have beenwatching this podcast in real
time, I did not release anepisode for a week there, so
you're on a little bit of adelay now because things got
(00:47):
overwhelming.
They just did.
I wasn't expecting that,because I I don't know.
I I've joked in the past withfriends that I sort of have a
buffering response to likeemotions and feelings and stuff
like that.
So all of the feelings thatlike maybe somebody would have
along the way, just like caughtup with me all of a sudden, and
(01:08):
it was during trigger shot time,and then I had recorded an
episode and I went to edit itand something funky was
happening in my editing software, where everything was really
like jittery and glitchy andcould edit, but it was like a
delayed response to everything Iwas trying to do and it was my
(01:28):
anxiety was already goingthrough the roof.
So it just added more anxietyto the plate and I said you know
what we're going to just takethis time and hang out.
So trigger shot, egg retrieval,fertilization has all happened,
so let's get into this, let'scover it.
My follicles weren't reallybehaving the way that we wanted
them to.
They weren't really responsiveOnce we turn that medication up.
(01:51):
Well, maybe they respondedreally quickly.
And I actually had to takeganarelics, which keeps you from
ovulating.
I had to take an extra shot ofthat to hold it all in.
We went from 12 follicles whenI went for my first checkup to
20, which I was bananas about.
I looked at my chartsafterwards and I was just.
I was so excited, like to see20, just felt like a really good
(02:17):
, safe spot to be in.
I would say like half of themwere double digits.
I didn't want to count out thelittle ones.
I said you know, maybe we canstill get something out of that,
who knows, but it just feltgood Like it.
20 felt really nice to go intothe egg retrieval with the
trigger shots were a little bitintimidating in that I felt like
(02:39):
I had to get all of them in inthat 60 seconds when I hit nine
o'clock.
So when you go into this liketrigger shot process, like you
have one more extra time thatyou go into in my case the kind
body RV in Newport Beach, but inother people's cases an actual
doctor's office you go in forthis like one final check to see
(02:59):
where everything's at.
That's where I saw the 20follicles, got really excited,
talked to the nurses.
They kind of went over the shotprocess.
For me the trigger shot reallywas not any different than
setting up the other shots thatI had.
I think I'm trying to remember.
I know I had a mix one of them,but I don't remember if the
other one was already all set up.
I've recorded it so I can goback and watch.
(03:19):
And so they gave me a PDF aboutwhen to do the trigger shot.
So my trigger shot was 9 pm onThursday night and then my
retrieval was 8 am on Saturdaymorning.
So there's just like a veryspecific time you're triggering
your ovulation and it needs,however, many hours to get into
(03:40):
your system.
And so I was just nervous, likenine o'clock hit.
I have a cuckoo clock that Igot on my trip to Germany over
the holidays, the cuckoo clockand so the cuckoo is like cuckoo
, cuckoo, and I'm like, oh God,I've got to.
I gotta like clean my belly, oh, my hands clean, and like I was
(04:00):
nervous.
So that went in by like 9001,which worked, it was fine.
And then that next day was verystrange because I'd been taking
all these different shots, likemorning shots, night shots,
throughout the time, and thenthat next day I just didn't have
anything to do except take apregnancy test, which was fun
because I was like this is goingto be positive, I've taken all
(04:22):
the shots correctly, it's goingto be positive and it was.
So that was a very fun littlelike test run, I will say at
this point in the process Ifinally felt a lot of the side
effects and symptoms.
I was kind of expecting to feelthe whole way.
You know, I was expecting tofeel bloated and I finally did.
(04:42):
It felt like I had twoClementines in my belly.
I had a little bit of the bloat.
I've always joked that I havehereditary bloat, like it's just
part of my mom's side of thefamily, like we just have little
round bellies.
I don't know that I ever gotmore bloated than I've ever
gotten.
Also, as somebody with IBS likewe just we just used to bloat I
would say that I startedgetting more hormonal.
(05:04):
I would say that I startedgetting more anxious.
I really did expect like morebodily things to happen to me,
though.
I expected weird chin hairs andlike crazy acne and, honestly,
my skin was pretty clear thewhole time, which I just thought
was insane because I don't havegood skin.
So I don't know, maybe that'sthe progesterone part.
(05:25):
When it comes to theimplantation, I took it easy,
like I just I had had socialplans that I canceled.
I ended up doing a lot ofsitting on the couch.
I tried to go on some likegentle walks around the
neighborhood because I wasstarting to feel a little bit
more going on.
Again, it's kind of like anindigestion thing where I was
(05:45):
just kind of feeling stuffmoving around in there.
So I was so nervous aboutovarian torsion, which is a side
effect or it's something thatcan happen because your ovaries
are so overstimulated that Iguess they can like twist, twist
and shout.
I don't know.
I was born with a hernia.
(06:06):
When I was a baby and then whenI was two, my mom was washing
my hair and I didn't want to getmy hair washed, so I sat and I
just went and she watched me popa second hernia out and my
ovary came out.
I don't know if it was with theone that I was born with or the
one that I popped out, but myovary popped out with it.
So I'm always nervous aboutlike my ovaries kind of like
(06:27):
going wherever they please.
So I was pretty nervous aboutthis whole like ovarian hyper
stimulation situation.
Sometimes if I'm like twistedand I sneeze, I like feel it
down there and I know it's myovary, it's not my intestine or
anything like that.
So I'm just very careful aboutlike I am NOT going to twist, I
am going to sit very straight.
Anytime I felt a sneeze comingon, I would be like brace
(06:51):
yourself a chew.
Thankfully it doesn't seem likethe ovaries have gone anywhere.
So good job, meredith, for theactual egg retrieval.
I was nervous about getting aride.
So Julian, who helps me outwith the podcast from time to
time, has been my like surgerybuddy and he took me for the
last two foot things I had to do.
Julian was there when there wasan attempt in break in at my
(07:14):
house, if you'll recall, acouple weeks ago.
But guess who else is alsothere?
Christine, ariel, who you havemet as a guest in the past.
And when Julian wasn't able tocome to the egg retrieval
because it kept getting pushedback, christina came through and
so she was my ride.
I don't feel as bad asking herfor that, because she's actually
a little bit closer to me thana lot of friends.
(07:36):
So it ended up working outreally well.
So we had to be in Santa Monicaat 7am and standard surgery
procedures which, because of allthe stuff that I've gone
through on my foot, I'm veryused to.
At this point, just like youcan't wear any jewelry, you have
to have clean nails.
If you start losing oxygen,your nails will turn blue.
(07:56):
So you know, took off all myjewelry, took off all my nail
polish, no makeup, no deodorant,no lotions, and I've learned
like what kind of comfy clothesare easiest to like put on.
Take off, especially whenyou're under the effects of
anesthesia.
We got to kind body.
Because it was a early, earlyon a Saturday morning, like
(08:16):
street parking was super easyChristina was not prepared for
how nice the office was.
I was like you'll probably justwant to hang out in the waiting
room and she was like, allright.
And then we got there and shewas like like, oh yeah, no, I'll
hang out in this room.
They took me back prettyquickly.
Um, what I liked about the kindbody surgical facility is that,
(08:38):
you know, it's only dedicatedto that.
Like, I have been to theseother surgery centers for my
foot and stuff and they're just,you know, kind of barren and
anybody can be in the waitingroom.
And it was nice to know that,like, like, everybody was there
for the same thing.
There were three egg retrievalsthat were happening on the day
that I went in.
So there was a woman before meand a woman after me.
(08:58):
I was smack dab in the middle.
You know, they take you backand they have these four little
recovery rooms which werebasically like glorified walk-in
closets.
They were very tiny but theyhad these, um, big recliners for
you to sit in.
Um, they're, I mean, likehospital recliners.
It would have been nice if theywere like lazy boys, but it was
like hospital recliner.
And that's where they came inand they had me sign all the
(09:19):
different forms for, you know,release, and they did my IV in
there.
I hate IVs Cause I just, oh, assoon I don't mind needles, but
like when an IV is in me and Iknow that like, oh, if I like
bend my elbow, I'm going to feelit in there.
Oh, I hate, oh, I hate it.
I hate it so much I don't wantto feel it in me.
(09:40):
There was a gal that went inbefore me as I was coming in.
She was taking her littlebasket of, like the surgical
gown and the little booties andeverything.
So she was walking into thebathroom to do that as I came in
and sat down, and so then, asthey gave me my little basket to
put my clothes in and to changeinto the surgical gown, she was
(10:01):
being wheeled in.
So then I'm sitting there andwaiting and, um, I actually had
a really long conversation withthe nurse there.
Her name was Lauren and she wasreally sweet and she's recently
gone through loss, like I have.
So we kind of like vibed andchatted about that and it was
just nice to have somebody tolisten to me, especially in
these moments where, like I'msaying no, I'm fine, like I'm
(10:22):
not anxious.
It's totally cool, don't evenworry about it, I am, and so to
just have somebody to talk toand go through a big moment with
was really nice and she wasjust really sweet.
So by the time I was in mysurgical gown and they had my IV
in me, a new person was cominginto another recovery room prep
room and the other gal wascoming out and they were very
(10:44):
respectful too.
The recovery rooms.
It wasn't just like a curtainthat they pulled across, it was
a door, it was like a bifolddoor out of like beautiful white
Oak and they would close thatas the people went through or
came back out for privacy, whichwas really cool.
But I did hear the doctor comeout and tell the first girl how
many eggs they retrieved, and itwas four and I was like, oh, I
(11:07):
don't want to hear that.
Like I have 20 follicles, likea bunch of them are ripe.
I don't want to hear the numberfour.
I don't like.
I didn't want to hear how theywere relaying the information to
her, like to somehow.
To me that was some kind of aprojection thing like into the
future, of like that's what'sgoing to sound like for you in
mere moments.
So I didn't like love that andI was just nervous about that.
(11:29):
And four is a lucky number forme, but in this case I don't
want four, I want more than four.
So at that point I they had theygot had me walk into the
surgery room which had like themost beautiful shade pink
ceiling.
Which doctors can we talk aboutceilings like your patients are
looking up at them?
A lot like, put something niceup there, at least a nice color.
(11:52):
The pink was nice.
So I went in and the table youknow, stirrups are awful, like
they're just necessary butterrible.
And I got in and they're kindof explaining how you know
they're setting things up andthey're.
You know, a guy came in at onepoint and so everybody I've
dealt with at this place is awoman, and so then all of a
sudden, a guy comes in and Ihave a blanket over me so I like
(12:14):
I'm covered.
However, I was like sir, excuseyou, and they're like, oh, this
is Zach, he's the embryologist.
And so I was like, oh shit,like that's the guy that's going
to make my baby, potentially.
You know, in like in seconds.
That was the wild thing aboutthis whole thing is that, like
you know, when Michael went infor his donation, he donated and
(12:35):
we left and that was put into afreezer and we didn't think
about it anymore.
You know, when I have my thingdone, I mean first of all I have
to go to sleep, but second ofall, by the time I wake up,
stuff's already happening.
You know what I mean.
Like embryos are being made,and so it was just kind of such
a trippy headspace to be in toknow that it was happening, like
(12:57):
there's no going back, likeit's really actually happening.
Uh, I was told that Zach wasreally funny, I think at that
point.
So at this point, like they'restarting to give me fluids
because you can't eat or drinkfor 12 hours prior to the
surgery, or nine out, they toldme to stop after midnight and
then I was in at eight.
So eight hours, um.
(13:19):
So I'm pretty thirsty at thispoint.
I want my morning water.
You know, definitely hungry atthis point.
So then when they start thefluids, like I'm feeling it felt
like kind of prickly a littlebit.
Um, especially in my netherregions it was very strange.
And so they come in, zach comesin.
They're like oh Zach, he'sreally funny, he's an
embryologist, but they've takenmy glasses off at this point and
(13:40):
I think they were starting topump more drugs into my system.
It's really hard.
If you have excellent vision,like good for you, I have
terrible vision.
So as soon as they take off myglasses, like I can't see
anything clearly, like from hereout, like I'm done, so the
entire room is just foggy andthere's a man I can tell he has
(14:01):
a beard and so because he has abeard, I'm already like more
interested and I was like Ithink he's cute, like I want him
to come over and introducehimself closer so I can see the
features of his face, cause Iwant to see if, like a cute
bearded man is making my embryos.
Any kind of nerves oranxiousness I have at the
doctor's office immediatelytranslates to like some sort of
(14:22):
like vaudevillian, like routine,like I'm telling jokes, I am
goofing around, like I am onfire, basically when I'm at the
doctor's award-winning comedicperformances.
So uh yeah, they start pumpingme.
You know, they put the oxygenthing on my nose.
I have arranged myself downlike shimmied to the end of the
(14:45):
table and I've got myself in thestirrups and the paper blanket
is over me Right before I wentunder.
I know that I said make meproud.
And I was out.
I do not remember how I got backinto the recovery room.
I don't know if I was walked, Idon't know if they like wheeled
(15:08):
my chair in and then how theygot me from the table to the
chair.
But really that's not for me toworry about, because I did, I
made it and it's fine.
So I slowly like started towake up there TBH guys, I love
anesthesia Like it's such a,it's such a cool nap, like it's
great.
I think it's because my head isconstantly going and so, like,
(15:28):
when I sleep sometimes it's noteven like great sleep, because
I'm like dreaming wild dreams,as we've discussed in the past.
To have it all turn off is liketruly magnificent.
I woke up and the doctor came inand she told me that they have
retrieved nine eggs.
Nine eggs, which is not badconsidering, you know, the
(15:49):
Monday prior to this, I wasreally worried about how I was
responding to anything and I wasonly seeing like a couple of
eggs in the double digits.
So then to get up to nine feltgreat.
I had in my head the numbereight for whatever reason, so
nine felt like anoverachievement, which is what
(16:10):
every cell in my body is everaccustomed to.
So I was like, okay, cool, Isurpassed whatever inner number
I had guessed for myself and Ifeel kind of good about that.
I wanted double digits, butnine felt good.
I FaceTimed my mom prettyimmediately and was just like so
(16:31):
drugged, and then I recordedmyself which, for your benefit,
they got nine.
I feel good, even though myhat's crooked Good, even though
(16:53):
my hat's crooked Pretty good.
I then FaceTime Michael who,like God bless him.
I didn't know he had a racethat day and so he picked up his
phone in the middle of the raceand he was like normally I
don't run with my phone, but Iknew you had news coming, and so
I told him nine and he was likehappy about that.
And then I told him I remembertelling him to run like the wind
(17:14):
bullseye.
Then I took another video thisis a good one and I will narrate
over it as we're playing ithere.
I am mugging for the camera Idon't not attractively and then
they'd given me these Belvitacookies which I thought were
really good.
So I was like I gotta mark theoccasion.
(17:36):
So I wish I'd recorded more.
To be honest, I wish I'drecorded more.
I think I spent more time inrecovery than I did like through
the whole process.
I kind of looked at the timemarkers.
It seemed like I was inrecovery for about an hour.
It didn't feel like it.
And then I came out and wastexting Christina and she wasn't
(17:58):
coming.
So then I, like FaceTimed her.
She didn't stay in the waitingroom, turns out she went to
Target next door and then sheFaceTimed my mom and they talked
for a good long while becausemy mom was like nervous about
the process and I thinkChristina was too.
So they, um, they just stayedon the phone with each other and
then she was, uh, a little latecoming to get me because she
(18:18):
was gabbing with my mom.
Those two, I tell you what.
So from there I was told to, uh, you know, very slowly bring
the food back into my diet, andI did not listen to that advice
and got Wendy's breakfast and itwas good and it was fine.
My stomach was fine.
Now, the egg retrieval was onSaturday.
(18:38):
We are now at Wednesday is whenI'm recording this.
I, my stomach has been weirdsince then because of the
anesthesia kind of stops you up.
Um, maybe it's bloat from myovaries but, honest to God, it
feels just like gas in mystomach.
So I've been chewing gas sexlike they're going out of style
and I know it'll regulate andstuff, but such is the life of a
(19:03):
poorly constructedgastrointestinal system.
The rest of the day after thatI thought I was going to come
home and watch TV.
Honestly, I just like scrolledthrough my phone all day.
I kept switching positions,like my bed, the couch and stuff
like that.
It was pretty easy.
I think I ordered food that day.
(19:24):
I don't remember what I ordered, I just took it easy.
I was assimilating nine into myhead, you know, and realized
like, oh, number nine is like aBeatles thing and that feels
good.
The Beatles were part of mychildhood.
So number nine, number nine,number nine like felt good, it
felt right.
(19:45):
I was not expecting to get acall the next day because it was
Sunday and I was told that Imight not get an update on the
fertilization process untilMonday.
So Sunday was just going to belike a nothing day for me.
Again, I had I had plans, uhthat I had to unfortunately
cancel because of the eggretrieval getting moved around
(20:05):
and everything.
So I was very surprised onSunday morning when I got a call
from an unknown number I havelearned to pick them up right
now because the process I'm inand it was my doctor.
She said I'm calling you for mykids' swim meet, so I'm sorry
if there is noise.
I was like no, I hear nothing.
So she asked me how I felt aboutthe number nine and I was like
great, and I kind of wentthrough everything, I just went
(20:28):
through here and then she saidwell, we, we have an update and
I wanted to call you and let youknow about it before.
You saw it in the portal andkind of had some questions and I
was like okay, and she said ofthe nine that were retrieved,
three were mature.
I felt very numb when she saidthat, because that is a big drop
(20:49):
.
It's a big drop.
I was kind of like I was kindof working with a 50% attrition
rate in my head, so I was kindof hoping that, you know, I mean
, I was hoping all of them wouldbe mature.
But uh, at least 50%, right?
So like four or five, althoughthree isn't far off from four,
is it?
So, um, she told me that threewere mature but all three
(21:13):
fertilized and I feel muchbetter about that now than I did
in the moment.
Uh, he did not feel good aboutit in the moment at all.
Um, a drop from nine to three ishuge and like I wasn't prepared
for an update, I was preparedto live with the number nine all
(21:34):
day Sunday, so that was justhard.
It would be much easier if Iknew you're getting an update
Now, you're getting an updateNow.
You're getting an update Now.
It's kind of been like amalleable You're probably going
to hear about this time.
Speaking of which I could hearany moment now how those three
fertilized eggs have progressedthrough the week.
(21:56):
Anyway, anywhere from today tolike Friday, I could know.
And so we just keep looking atthe phone and I I felt like
wildly let down.
On Sunday I told people that ifit had been like six eggs were
(22:18):
mature and three fertilized,like for whatever reason, like
that like step down approach,would feel better to me, even if
it's the same outcome, becauseit just feels like if it can
drop by six, because it justfeels like if it can drop by six
, then I could just lose it allat the end.
And on Saturday I was feelingso good with nine eggs retrieved
(22:40):
and I remember like calling mymom very specifically at this
one moment and being like Idon't think I have to do this
again, like nine eggs is greatand we should get something out
of that.
We could get two rounds out ofthat.
Like if I can make two embryosout of that three embryos,
that'd be great.
And now I have been in a spaceover the last couple of days
(23:03):
where it's like if I have, if Ionly have, three, that that
could totally drop again and Imay have to go through all of
this again and I don't want to.
Who wants to?
Anybody who's at this positiondoing IVF does not want to do
what they're doing.
They just want it to happen.
(23:23):
So it's been really tough.
The thing that has been strangeto me is a lot of people when I
tell them three fertilized,they're like oh my God, that's
amazing and that's not theresponse I'm expecting and it
throws me for a loop and uh, Idon't know.
I'm just because I've been in amore positive, I don't know
(23:44):
because I've been able to sitwith it.
Now three doesn't feel so awful.
I've been referring to them asHuey, dewey and Louie, although
I was typing to my mom and Icalled them Huey, dewey and
Louie, although I was typing tomy mom and I called them Huey,
dewey and Louise, which made melaugh really hard.
Three could be great.
And what if all three make it?
That could be very cool.
So why did it drop from nine tothree?
(24:06):
It could be because my bodydidn't respond to the drugs
until the end.
It could be that.
So if I do have to go throughthis again, we can do a
different routine dose orwhatever to mature them up a
little bit faster.
At the beginning, when I calledMike and I told him that we had
three fertilized, he was likeare you mad at your doctors?
(24:28):
And I was like, no, that's nothow it works.
I said you know, it's becausemy body maybe didn't respond to
the drugs.
And he was like well, are youmad?
They didn't give you more.
And I was like that's notreally how it works, because I
think his thought process, as Iwas explaining it, was that well
, since my body wasn'tresponding, I should have stayed
on the drugs longer and waitedfor the retrieval.
(24:50):
And I was like I don't thinkyou can wait much longer than I
waited.
I think there's a certain pointwhere, like you got to get them
out or you're going to pop so.
So in the past week, likedealing with that, I've dealt
with some more family drama.
That's really kind of come to ahead.
So I reached out to a newtherapist and I have a therapist
now.
I have not had one for a coupleof months and you know it's
(25:13):
funny like you go when you go totherapy and you kind of like
build up this like callus andyou're like I'm good, I can face
the world, like look at allthis like emotional work I've
done and suddenly, like thecallus gets shaved off and
you're like, oh shit, I gotta, Igotta go back.
Here's my routine for finding atherapist.
When you don't have one, I goto my insurance website and I go
(25:35):
to like find a provider, findcare or whatever, and I'll do a
filtered search of, like youknow, therapy, psychology,
whatever it's going to be in thedrop down menu, right, I'm
always looking for women.
So I click women and you knowin the near area.
So that's going to show youwhich therapists take your
insurance and then from there,if there are profiles to read,
(25:59):
I'll go through and like readthe profile of what they
specialize in.
If I can cross reference theirname with, like a Google search,
some kind of a review of theirservices, I'll do that.
And then I kind of have like ablanket email that I'll send out
to like two or three of them,because a lot of times, you know
, the profiles are outdated,they're not accepting new
(26:20):
patients, whatever.
So I'll send out an emailthat's like Hi, I'm Meredith,
I'm looking for a therapist, youknow, with this kind of
experience or whatever.
Found your name through myinsurance portal, are you
accepting new patients?
And I'll send that out to thetwo or three.
Wait to see who replies back.
And it's, you know, it's reallygood if they have their own
(26:41):
website too, and I do thatcross-reference, because then
their own website has a littlebit more information about what
they do and what they'respecializing in.
So I went to my insurancewebsite this time to find that
and I noticed a little portalthat said like spring health for
, you know, mental wellness orwhatever buzzwords we're using
(27:01):
right now.
And turns out it's this wholeportal where I went in and I put
in again what I'm looking forand I was able to book an
appointment like immediatelythrough that, rather than asking
them if they are available oraccepting patients.
I was lucky that with thesearch terms I was working
within the filtered search, Ifound somebody who in their
(27:23):
profile says I deal specificallywith, you know, fertility
issues, postpartum, blah, blah,blah, and I was like thrilled.
I was like this is too good tobe true.
And she had an appointment thenext day.
I was sure that like I wasgoing to click it and then get
an email and be like actuallythis therapist died or something
wild right, like I was likethis is way too easy.
But it worked and she was reallylovely and I was able to talk
(27:46):
through the family issues thatI'm dealing with.
I mean, those aren't fixed, butI was able to give her the
primer on it all.
And then she had some questionsfor me about where I'm at in
the process and because shedeals so specifically with
fertility issues, like when Isay to her something like oh,
and suddenly like I had 20follicles, she knows what that
(28:06):
means in the process I didn'thave to like explain to her this
is how many I should have andthis is how many a normal person
has and here's how many.
I thought like she knew and shewent through like kind of a
basic rundown of like here'swhere I see you in the fertility
process, because I work withwomen who do this all the time,
and so you know having a baby islike a book, and here are the
(28:28):
different chapters you're at.
I would say you're kind of atlike chapter three and you know
what are your desires.
And I was able to explain toher that, like it's, it is my
wish to be a mother, notnecessarily to have a child, but
that I'm taking advantage ofthe ability to have a child
while I can, and if it doesn'twork, that's fine, we're going
to find other things.
And what's really cool too isthat she has worked in the um,
(28:52):
the social worker scene, and shesaid really cool too is that
she has worked in the socialworker scene and she said if
adoption is something you wantto do or foster care is
something you want to do, I candirect you through those sorts
of scenarios.
So that's really cool.
And then she told me I had noidea this was an option there
are embryo adoptions availableof parents who have created
(29:15):
embryos and aren't going to usethem for reasons X, y, z, but
they don't want them destroyedor they don't want them donated
to science or whatever.
So you can actually do embryoadoption, which is wild to me
and I don't know if I'minterested in it or not, but
it's crazy.
This world is crazy, isn't itor not?
But it's crazy.
This world is crazy, isn't it?
I mean in a good way sometimes.
(29:35):
So that's where I'm at.
Next update you're going to getis how many little embryos I
have.
Let's go for three.
Let's just say all three makeit.
Maybe they're all just reallystrong Huey, dewey and Louie
just kicking it together.
You know I would like that.
That would be nice.
Kicking it together.
(29:56):
You know I would like that.
That would be nice.
And if not, we figure out thenext steps.
I feel like I can do anotheregg retrieval if I have to.
My thought process at thispoint is that I can do probably
like three embryo transfers.
So if one more egg retrievaland three embryo transfers don't
work, then that's where wereally seek out other options.
But we don't think about thatnow.
We're just thinking about rightnow.
(30:16):
In this moment I have threefertilized eggs.
So wish me well.
Thanks for hanging in there forthat little week long break.
I'm glad to have a little bitof breathing room, because it
allows me to edit these videoswhen I am emotionally able to,
and it gives me a little bit ofbreathing room from like a lot
(30:39):
of people checking in at me allat once, which was really nice
at first and then reallyoverwhelming all of a sudden.
If you have reached out, thankyou Very sweet.
My brain and soul just likecan't take too much of it all at
once.
So if I don't respond back toyou, it's not a slight, it's
just that in a lot of cases Ihave to just like notice that
(31:05):
the grindstone get through myday.
There are, especially there are, times where like I just cannot
be emotional.
Like eight o' to like 11am Ihave to set myself up for the
day and then once I hit likelunchtime is like where my brain
kind of gets into a little bitmore of a holistic space and I
(31:25):
can contemplate the universe.
But if I don't get my daystarted like doing work, I will
devolve into like a prettyshitty spot, kind of swirl down
the toilet bowl a little bit andthen like my entire day is
wasted.
So you got to get as much doneas I can from eight to 11.
So, um, for the rest of theweek I have.
I'm going up to San Franciscowith Christina for a quick
(31:47):
little work thing and, uh, Ihave a comedy show I'm going to.
I have a lunch that I'm goingto.
So I have.
The rest of my week is stackedso that I don't have a lot of
time to wallow, because my againmy own being.
If I sit and really think aboutit all at once, I'm gone.
But if I can think about it inlittle chunks and process it
(32:10):
kind of slowly, I get through itbetter.
It's the, you know, it's likeit's.
It's the difference betweenlike eating a cheeseburger while
you drive or like sitting downto like a five course meal.
You know what I mean.
I have to do the five coursemeal with my emotions.
I cannot do cheeseburger on theroad because I will drive off
the road.
(32:30):
That's where I'm at, um, sothere you go, nice little
analogy on the way out.
Now I want a cheeseburger.
The Backup Plan is created,produced and hosted by me,
meredith Kate.
Julian Hagans is my co-producer.
You can find us on social mediaat Backup Plan Pod.
The best place to get updatesis to sign up for our newsletter
at BackupPlanPodcom, where wealso post all episodes, show
(32:53):
notes and transcripts.
Thank you for listening.
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