December 6, 2024 • 46 mins
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Unlock the secrets to transforming your marital communication with practical strategies and insights. Ever wondered how small shifts in conversation habits could revolutionize your relationship? In this episode, we promise to equip you with tools to enhance intimacy, trust, and conflict resolution by dismantling common communication pitfalls like criticism and defensiveness. Our discussion guides you through cultivating healthier communication habits, ensuring you and your partner feel heard and understood.
Active listening isn't just a buzzword, it's a cornerstone of effective communication. We break down techniques such as paraphrasing and reflecting emotions, paired with the power of "I" statements, to help minimize misunderstandings and defensiveness. Dive into the unspoken world of nonverbal cues—body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice—and learn how they can either reinforce or undermine your verbal messages. By understanding and refining these skills, you'll build a more empathetic and harmonious marital environment.
Consistency and commitment are key. We emphasize dedication, effort, and the ongoing nature of improving communication skills within marriage. Discover structured problem-solving approaches and the importance of establishing healthy boundaries to maintain a respectful dialogue. As a bonus, explore your relationship dynamics with the five primary relationship needs quiz at needsdrdarhawks.com. By committing to these transformative strategies, you'll forge a stronger, more resilient partnership.
Welcome to the Better Relationships Podcast where Dr. Dar Hawks shares relationship tips and advice to help you be seen, heard, understood, and supported in your relationships. Taking on tough topics and giving you hope, inspiration, and ideas to experiment with, Dr. Dar Hawks is passionate about creating healthier, happier, and harmonious relationships...
Because when you are happy in your relationship, the world becomes a better place for all of us.
Welcome to the Better Relationships Podcast where Dr. Dar Hawks shares relationship tips and advice to help you be seen, heard, understood, and supported in your relationships. Taking on tough topics and giving you hope, inspiration, and ideas to experiment with, Dr. Dar Hawks is passionate about creating healthier, happier, and harmonious relationships...
Because when you are happy in your relationship, the world becomes a better place for all of us.
Take my free Primary Relationship Needs Quiz to discover your dominant, secondary, and shadow Primary Relationship Needs by visiting https://needs.drdarhawks.com. This one thing will help you better understand yourself, your partner, and your relationship, and even improve communication and connection between you and your partner.
Note: The quiz name has changed from Sovereign Relationship Needs to Primary Relationship Needs as of July 2024. Please keep that in mind for podcasts dated before July 2024.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to the Better Relationships Podcast Cut.
Welcome to the BetterRelationships Podcast.
I'm Dr Dar Hawks, relationshipCommunication Coach and Heer,
(00:24):
and today I am talking aboutsome ways to improve
communication in your marriagewhile also building bridges to
connect more deeply with yourpartner.
Effective communication istruly essential for really any
marriage, not just a successfulone.
(00:44):
It helps build intimacy andtrust, and it also plays a
crucial role in resolvingconflicts.
When couples struggle withcommunication, misunderstandings
arise, which then leads toemotional distance and increased
tension between partners.
(01:05):
In this pod, in this podcast,you'll learn common
communication issues thatcouples face, such as criticism
and defensiveness.
Strategies to improve yourcommunication in marriage,
including active listening andusing I statements.
(01:27):
The importance of empathy andcreating a safe space for open
dialogue.
Tips for maintaining regularcheck-ins to address concerns
proactively and knowing when toseek professional help if
communication challenges persist.
(01:49):
Improving communication inmarriage not only strengthens
your relationship, but alsodeepens the emotional connection
that you have.
With practical insights andactionable strategies, you truly
can transform yourcommunication habits and
(02:09):
cultivate a more fulfilling,connected partnership.
Here are some typicalcommunication problems that
couples face.
Communication problems thatcouples face.
(02:30):
Number one criticism.
This involves attacking yourpartner's character rather than
addressing specific behaviors.
For example, saying you alwaysforget to do the dishes shifts
blame and can lead todefensiveness and distancing.
Number two defensiveness.
It's a response often stemmingfrom criticism and it manifests
(02:54):
as denying responsibility orcounter complaining.
This creates a cycle whereneither of you will feel heard
or validated.
Number three stonewalling.
This happens when one partnerwithdraws from the conversation
and leaves the other feelingabandoned.
Stonewalling can certainly bean emotional escape, but leads
(03:19):
to increased disconnection.
Number four contempt.
This is one of the mostdamaging communication styles,
characterized by mocking sarcasmor disdain.
Contempt breeds resentment,erodes trust and can cause the
(03:41):
relationship to end over time.
Number five isolation.
When couples fail to prioritizequality time with each other or
neglect each other's emotionalneeds, they can drift apart
emotionally.
This isolation can lead to abreakdown in communication and
(04:01):
emotional connection.
Number six assumptions.
Making assumptions about yourpartner's thoughts, feelings or
intentions can lead tomisunderstanding, shutting down
and miscommunication.
It's important to ask questionsand ask for clarification and
(04:24):
not jump to conclusions.
Number seven lack of activelistening.
Simply hearing the words yourpartner is saying is not enough.
Active listening involves fullyengaging with them, seeking to
understand their perspectivewithout interrupting or forming
(04:45):
a response in your mind.
Number eight interpreting.
Interpreting your partner'swords or actions based on your
own biases or assumptions canlead to miscommunication and
unnecessary conflict, even ifyou end up being right.
It's important to approachconversations with an open mind,
(05:09):
a willingness to understandtheir point of view and openness
to truly hear and listen tothem.
Number nine silent treatment,ignoring or refusing to engage
in communication, can be a formof punishment or control.
This behavior shuts down anyopportunity for resolution or
(05:34):
understanding.
Number 10.
Neglecting or being unaware ofnonverbal cues.
Communication is not solelyabout the words you speak.
Nonverbal cues, such as bodylanguage, facial expressions,
tone of voice, what our arms aredoing, what our eyes are doing,
(05:57):
all play a crucial role inconveying emotions and
intentions.
Failing to pay attention tothese cues can result in
misunderstandings.
Number 11, avoidance.
Choosing to avoid difficultconversations or sensitive
topics may seem like an easy wayout, but it only postpones the
(06:23):
inevitable and allows resentmentto build.
It's important to addressissues head-on, with empathy and
a willingness to find commonground.
Number 12, thinking it's notimportant.
Dismissing or downplaying theimportance or value of a
(06:47):
conversation can undermine therelationship and create a sense
of invalidation and distancing.
Even seemingly minor issues canhave a cumulative effect,
eroding trust and intimacy overtime.
Eroding trust and intimacy overtime.
Number 13, interrupting ortalking over or taking over
(07:17):
Interrupting someone whilethey're speaking not only shows
a lack of respect, but it alsohinders the flow of effective
communication.
It's important to give eachother the space and time to
express themselves fully.
Number 14, jumping toconclusions.
Jumping to conclusions withoutgetting clarification can lead
(07:42):
to misunderstandings andunnecessary conflict.
It's important to askopen-ended questions and
actively listen to ensureaccurate understanding.
Number 15, inflexibility.
Being rigid in your views andunwillingness to consider
(08:02):
alternative perspectives canhinder constructive dialogue.
It's crucial to approachconversations with an open mind
and be willing to adapt yourviews, if necessary in support
of your partner.
That does not mean you agreefully and can live the same
philosophy that your partnerdoes.
(08:24):
It just means that you supportthem in what they're up to.
Number 16, lack of empathy.
Failing to empathize with yourpartner's emotions or
experiences can make them feelinvalidated, unsupported and
unheard.
Showing empathy and validationcan go a long way in building
(08:46):
trust and fostering effectivecommunication.
Number 17, denying help isneeded.
Denying or dismissing yourpartner's request for help can
create a sense of isolation andresentment.
A sense of isolation andresentment.
(09:10):
It also builds an intense senseof independence, where your
partner will feel like they haveto do it all by themselves and
eventually you both stopincluding each other in
day-to-day activities or stopasking each other for help or
support.
It's important to be willing tooffer support and assistance
when needed and when asked,because this promotes teamwork.
(09:31):
Recognizing these commoncommunication issues is crucial
for couples seeking to improvetheir marital bonds and
communication.
By understanding the negativeimpact of these behaviors,
couples can begin to replacethem with healthier
communication strategies.
(09:53):
Cultivating healthycommunication habits is not a
destination that you go to onetime.
It is a continuous,moment-to-moment, ongoing
process that requires effort andcommitment from both partners,
but it can significantlystrengthen the bond and overall
(10:16):
satisfaction in your marriage.
Or communication can lead toincreased conflict where
misunderstandings escalatequickly when communication is
ineffective quickly whencommunication is ineffective.
(10:41):
Emotional distance wherepartners feel disconnected
because conflicts remainunresolved.
Emotional disengagement canalso result in feelings of
isolation.
Lack of alignment Partners mayLack of alignment.
Partners may Lack of alignment.
(11:15):
Partners may feel their values,beliefs, lifestyle or goals are
not aligned, creatingdisagreement and conflict.
Loneliness when communicationbreaks down.
Partners may feel alone evenwhen they're physically together
, leading to a sense ofisolation, resentment and anger,
unresolved conflicts and unmetneeds build into resentment and
(11:36):
anger over time, which thenerodes trust, respect and
intimacy.
Decreased intimacy.
Poor communication hindersemotional and physical intimacy,
making it difficult for couplesto connect on a deeper level.
Intimacy starts with healthycommunication and connection and
(12:01):
understanding and respectingeach other.
Without that, intimacy cannotthrive.
Stagnation Without effectivecommunication, growth and
progress in the relationship canbe hindered, leading to a
stagnant, unsatisfying marriage.
By recognizing the impact ofthese issues and actively
(12:25):
working on improving yourcommunication, couples can
create a more fulfilling andharmonious partnership, and I'm
here to share with you that it'snever too late to start, no
matter how disconnected youmight feel in your relationship.
Individual differences, such aspersonality traits or
(12:47):
communication styles orlifestyle choices also play a
significant role in how couplesinteract.
Couples interact.
Factors like stress from workor family can worsen
communication issues at home.
Different cultural backgroundsor upbringings can influence how
(13:13):
partners express themselves andhow they understand and hear
each other's words.
There may be language barriers.
Multilingual couples may facechallenges in effectively
conveying their thoughts andemotions.
Previous negative pastexperiences, such as trauma or
unhealthy relationship dynamics,can also impact communication
(13:34):
patterns.
Interference and meddling fromfamily members or friends also
creates tension and taking sides, which then disrupts open
communication between partners.
Financial stress can lead toheightened emotions and
increased conflict, making iteven more important for couples
(13:57):
to have open lines ofcommunication.
Lack of alignment and theinability to be honest about all
things money creates issues ina marriage that just don't
Creates issues in a marriagethat don't just go away.
These factors can allcontribute to communication
breakdowns and misunderstandings, but they don't have to define
(14:21):
the health of your relationshipgoing forward.
By acknowledging and addressingthese challenges, couples can
work together to developeffective communication
strategies and skills that meettheir unique needs and improve
communication in marriage.
By the way, this may involveseeking professional help,
(14:44):
learning new communicationtechniques or simply committing
to being more mindful andempathetic listeners.
The effort you put intoimproving communication is an
investment in the long-termhealth and happiness, not just
for yourself, but also for yourpartner and the relationship.
(15:04):
Let's now talk about keystrategies for improving
communication with your partner.
As I've mentioned before,effective communication requires
(15:24):
conscious effort and specificstrategies to foster
understanding and connection.
Here are some key approaches toenhance marital communication
Active listening, which to meequals empathy.
It involves fully engaging withyour partner's words, emotions
and underlying messages.
(15:45):
This practice is crucial inbuilding a deeper understanding
of each other.
Active listening means payingattention not only to what your
spouse says, but also how theyfeel when expressing those
thoughts, and paying attentionto the nonverbals and asking and
inquiring what they're about.
(16:05):
This technique helps tovalidate your partner's feelings
and encourages open dialogueand creates a safe environment.
Here are some techniques foractive listening Paraphrasing
Repeat back what your spouse hassaid in your own words.
This demonstrates that youunderstood what they're saying
(16:27):
and what they're trying toconvey.
Example If your partner sharesfrustration about work, respond
with it sounds like you'refeeling overwhelmed with your
tasks.
They'll come back and say, no,that's not what I'm saying and
they will clarify, and then youcan paraphrase again.
(16:48):
Another way is to askclarifying questions.
Encourage further discussion byasking questions that prompt
more details.
Here's an example Can you tellme more about what specifically
made you feel that way in thatexample or in that situation?
This one's really important.
(17:10):
I see couples having a hardtime with this over 20 years of
working with them and itinvolves allowing awkward pauses
just sitting there silently.
Sometimes during a conversationthere may be moments, or at
(17:36):
times during a conversation,there will be moments of silence
or pauses.
These can be uncomfortable, butthey provide space for your
partner to gather their thoughtsand continue sharing.
Here's an example.
Here's an example Instead ofrushing to fill the silence,
(18:01):
give your partner severalmoments to collect their words,
by maintaining eye contact andnodding in encouragement.
You could even say it lookslike you're processing.
I'll sit here and wait untilyou're ready to share again.
Another way is to reflectemotions, acknowledge and
validate your spouse's feelingsby reflecting them back.
(18:23):
Here's an example If yourpartner says that they're sad
about a disagreement, if yourpartner says that they were sad
about a disagreement they hadwith a parent, respond with
empathy saying I can reallyunderstand why that would make
you feel upset, or I canunderstand why that would make
(18:45):
you feel sad.
Try to use the same words theyused and I recognize that I
didn't when I was sharing thisexample.
By actively listening and usingthese techniques, you can
create a deeper connection withyour partner and improve
communication in yourrelationship.
I also invite you to get betterat using I statements.
(19:08):
I statements are powerful toolsfor expressing feelings without
placing blame on your partner.
They shift the focus fromaccusations to personal feelings
.
Here's a tip Anytime you thinkor say starting a sentence with
you.
It's time to bite your tongueand transform what you're about
(19:33):
to say to using an I statement.
The reason why is because usingI statements allows you to
articulate how you're feelingwhile minimizing defensiveness
in response, and increases yourchances of being heard.
Here are some examples ofeffective I statements being
(19:59):
heard.
Here are some examples ofeffective I statements.
Instead of saying you neverlisten to me, try I feel unheard
when I'm sharing my thoughts.
Also, a side note about younever listen to me.
Actually, two side notes.
Number one never is an absolute.
When I work with couples and Ihear one or the other say use
(20:22):
the word never, we have adialogue and come up with
several examples where it's notthe case that it's never, it's
not an absolute.
So immediately that createsdefensiveness.
So immediately, that createsdefensiveness.
The second point I want to makethe second point I want to
(20:45):
mention about you never listenis that human beings have made
the word listen mean taking theaction that you said should be
taken.
Listening and following throughwith an action are two entirely
different things, and if itsounds like that is a pet peeve
of mine, you are spot on and itcomes from my childhood.
(21:08):
My parents would say you don'tlisten, you aren't listening.
Well, that's not true.
I was listening, I heard whatthey said.
There wasn't a request for meto do anything.
There was an expectation that Ifollow through.
So let me say this againListening does not equal taking
action or follow through.
(21:29):
They are two different things,as are making a request or an
ask to take an action.
So be clear when you'recommunicating.
To unpack those three things sothat you're clear about what
they are.
Here's another example.
You always make me upset Insteadof saying that, say, I feel
(21:53):
upset when our plans change atthe last minute.
It causes me angst because Ihave to reschedule things on my
calendar and I'm going to addthis as a bonus share with you,
I would like to.
And then you can continue withsaying going forward, I really
(22:17):
need to stick to my calendar andif plans change at the last
minute, please know that I maynot be available when we
reschedule because I alreadyhave something planned, so we'll
just have to find anothermutual time to get this done.
(22:39):
By framing your feelings inthat way, it opens up space for
dialogue rather than conflict.
And notice that I wasn't makingmy partner wrong around.
I feel upset when our planschange at the last minute.
But I was communicating theimpact it has when we reschedule
or try to coordinate anotherdate.
(23:02):
Let's talk about nonverbalcommunication now.
Much of communication occursthrough nonverbal signals, like
body language, facialexpressions and tone of voice.
Like body language, facialexpressions and tone of voice,
being attuned to these cues cansignificantly improve your
(23:23):
interactions.
Please understand thatnonverbal cues can often convey
more than words themselves, butthey also can be misinterpreted,
which leads tomisunderstandings.
I'll give you an example frommy own life.
My husband was answering aquestion, but he was answering a
(23:50):
question with a yes answerverbally, but his head was
nodding no.
That led me to feel like whatis he really saying?
Is he saying no?
That led me to feel like whatis he really saying?
Is he saying no?
I was paying more attention tothe nonverbal cue than I was to
the words coming out of hismouth.
But before I said anything, Irecognized through my conscious
awareness I'm getting confusingsignals here and said something
(24:16):
to the effect of I'm hearing yousay yes, but I'm seeing your
head nod no.
Can you clarify what you'recommunicating with this?
And I avoided a fight or anargument or a disagreement or
disappointment.
Argument or a disagreement ordisappointment.
(24:41):
Here are some examples ofnonverbal communication cues
that sometimes, frankly, getmissed Eye contact during
conversations, eye rolls duringconversations and I want to add
that they may get missed, butthey also get misinterpreted or
create a reaction that they mayget missed, but they also get
(25:01):
misinterpreted or create areaction.
Back to nonverbal communicationcues Using appropriate facial
expressions that match theconversation.
This requires focus on theconversations, not being
distracted or thinking aboutother things, so that you can be
present and you naturally matchyour facial expressions with
the conversation, maintainingopen body posture, uncrossed
(25:28):
arms, uncrossed arms and facingthe person.
A little bit of a side noteabout maintaining open body
posture it can be easy tomisinterpret when a person does
not have open body posture.
I'll give you an example frommy own life.
(25:51):
I have environmental asthma andon days when the air quality is
bad, I tend to fold my arms onmy chest often and that can lead
to misinterpreting my bodyposture in that I'm not
listening, I'm not payingattention or I just don't want
(26:14):
to be there, and that's not thecase.
So that's an example of reallyclarifying the body posture if
it doesn't match up with themessage being communicated
verbally.
Here are some more examplesNodding to show understanding
and engagement.
Be sure to nod, yes or no Inthis case, and in this example
(26:37):
it's going to be nodding to showyou understand.
In the affirmative Handgestures to emphasize points
physical proximity and personalspace.
Touch when appropriate, such asa gentle hand on the shoulder,
head, tilting to show interest.
The appropriate tone of voiceand pitch, mirroring the other
(26:59):
person's body language.
Posture, such as leaningforward to show interest.
Facial micro expressions, likea slight raise of the eyebrows.
Speed and rhythm of speech,silence and pauses.
Physical appearance and dress,use of space and movement,
(27:21):
breathing patterns, footpositioning and movement, hand
placement and movements andoverall body orientation.
Here are some tips for improvingyour nonverbal communication
skills Pay attention to bodylanguage, maintain an open
posture and make eye contact.
(27:43):
These behaviors signalengagement and openness.
Also, here's another tip If younotice the person you're
speaking with starts to foldtheir arms or moves in closer or
moves in far away, you may havedone that yourself and they're
mirroring you.
(28:03):
So paying attention not only totheir body language but also to
yours is very helpful.
Secondly, make sure you monitoryour tone and pitch of voice.
The way you say something andhow you say, it can absolutely
(28:27):
affect how it's received.
Aim for a calm and friendly,supportive tone during
discussions.
And, lastly, be conscious ofyour facial expressions.
Ensure that your expressionsmatch the message you're
conveying, to avoid mixedsignals.
That requires you beingcentered, grounded, calm in a
neutral space and if you're not,don't have the conversation.
(28:57):
Go, take care of you until youcan get into that neutral space.
Implementing these strategiescan lead to a more harmonious
marriage by cultivating a deeperunderstanding between partners.
Engaging in these practicesregularly will strengthen the
communication foundation that isessential for creating intimacy
(29:18):
and trust in your relationshipyour relationship.
Let's now talk about practicingempathy and compassion in your
conversations.
The importance of empathy andcompassion cannot be overstated.
(29:39):
It is a skill that can belearned.
It is something that noteveryone knows how to do and
when done well, it will enableyou to understand your partner's
thoughts and emotions, whichthen lead to deepening the
connection you both have.
Developing empathy andcompassion requires active
(30:01):
effort, and here are a fewtechniques to help you build
this skill Active imaginationMake a moment to visualize
yourself in your partner'ssituation, like literally put
their shoes on, consider theirfeelings, motivations and
challenges.
This mental and emotionalexercise can help you respond
(30:24):
with greater sensitivity and goa long way in improving
communication in your marriagePerspective-taking exercises.
Participate in discussions whereeach of you shares your
viewpoint on a topic or an issue.
After one person shares, theother reflects back what they've
(30:48):
heard.
That ensures clarity andunderstanding.
This is one way to practiceempathy in communication.
Empathy plays an essential roleduring disagreements as well.
When conflicts come up, it isvital to find common ground.
(31:11):
Compromise is not about winningor losing.
It's truly about creatingsolutions that satisfy both of
your needs.
Consider these strategies foreffective compromise.
Number one brainstorming win-winsolutions through common ground
(31:32):
.
Collaborate to generatemultiple options that address
both of your concerns.
Take turns coming up with ideasand options.
Write them down and then youtogether can deduct the ones
that neither of you align with,cross those out and then go
(31:53):
through the remaining ones tosee which ones truly align
closest.
For both of you to be satisfied, avoid evaluating ideas too
quickly.
Focus on the creativebrainstorming first.
Number two encourage activelistening.
(32:16):
Ensure that both partners havean opportunity to express their
thoughts and emotions withoutinterruption.
Be patient when your partner ispausing.
Be patient when your partner ispausing.
Give them space to finish,especially if your partner is
(32:37):
someone who needs time to thinkand process in the moment.
This will create a sense ofbeing heard and valued, which
leads to more constructiveresolution.
Number three identify yournon-negotiables.
Determine the core values orneeds that you have that are
non-negotiable and that yourpartner has.
(32:58):
By understanding these, you canthen focus on finding solutions
that honor and respect both ofyour non-negotiables, while also
maintaining alignment.
Seek mediation and professionalcoaching if needed.
Sometimes, despite all yourefforts, finding a compromise
(33:20):
may feel challenging.
Finding a compromise may feelchallenging.
In such cases, involving aneutral third party, such as a
relationship coach, can provideguidance and facilitate
productive discussions.
Number five prioritize needsover wants.
Get clear about the distinctionin the conflict of what you
(33:44):
need versus what you want.
Identify what is essential forboth of you instead of fixating
on specific desires.
This can help clarify whattruly matters.
Number six stay open-minded.
Approach disagreements with thewillingness to adapt your
stance.
Flexibility encouragescooperative problem-solving
(34:07):
rather than adversarialconfrontation.
Use neutral language.
Frame your requests withoutblame or judgment.
Language that emphasizespartnership builds collaboration
over division.
Partnership buildscollaboration over division.
(34:29):
By practicing empathy and usingeffective compromise techniques
, you strengthen yourcommunication skills and you
build resilience againstconflict.
These practices create anenvironment where both of you
will feel safe, valued andunderstood, paving the way for
healthier interactions in yourmarriage.
(34:50):
Let's now talk about how to findcommon ground through Bain's
let's now.
I'm going to now give you somesteps on how to find common
ground by brainstorming.
Steps on how to find commonground by brainstorming.
First and foremost, you want tocreate the right environment.
Choose a calm, neutral space,make sure both of you are ready
(35:12):
to engage and establish somebasic ground rules for
discussion.
Number two the initial steps.
Oh, and here's a hint, theground rules are embedded in
these steps, so pick the onesthat you want to establish for
(35:33):
ground rules.
The second thing, the secondstep Each partner states their
position clearly.
Each of you lists your sharedgoals and values.
Each of you lists your sharedgoals and values.
Each of you will listindividual goals and values, and
(35:55):
then you both will identifyareas of agreement first and put
a checkmark near those.
Number three go intobrainstorming.
Use mind mapping, write downall the ideas you both come up
with, without judgment.
Build upon each other'ssuggestions and focus on
quantity over quality initially.
(36:17):
The fourth step is finding theintersection points.
This is where the common groundlives.
Look for overlapping interests,identify shared priorities,
make note of mutual concerns andrecognize common values.
Number five solution development.
(36:38):
Combine your compatible ideas.
Create hybrid solutions.
It doesn't have to be an either, or it truly can be a hybrid of
, and Explore modifications toexisting scenarios and try them
out for a temporary trial periodand then revisit them using the
(37:01):
same process for brainstorming.
Number six using the sameprocess for brainstorming.
Number six the evaluationprocess.
Review each possible solution,assess the feasibility, meaning,
can you both live with it andwill you both honor, respect and
actually do it, take intoconsideration any long-term
(37:24):
implications and check in onalignment with both partners'
needs.
Number seven implementation.
Agree on the specific actionseach of you will take and make
Agree on the clear timelinesthat you're committing to, that
each of you commit to Defineeach of your responsibilities,
(37:46):
that that you're committing to,that each of you commit to
Define each of yourresponsibilities that you're
also committing to and plan inperiodic checkpoints on your
calendar.
And number eight you want tomeasure success through
indicators.
You both need to decide andtalk about how will we know
we've succeeded with this andwhat do we do when we feel like
(38:08):
we're not?
Some ideas are both partnersfeel heard?
The solution addresses yourcore needs, for both of you,
it's achievable and practical,and it maintains relationship
harmony.
The goal here is to findsolutions that benefit both of
you, not winning the argument.
(38:32):
Let's now talk about boundaries.
Establishing and respectinghealthy boundaries in marriage
is crucial for promotingrespectful communication is
crucial for promoting respectfulcommunication.
Boundaries let's now talk aboutboundaries and the importance
(39:01):
of them.
Creating and respecting eachother's boundaries that are
healthy is actually reallynecessary for promoting
respectful communication.
Boundaries will help you bothunderstand each other's limits
and preferences, which then willallow for more meaningful
interactions.
(39:21):
Here are some aspects.
Here are some key aspects toconsider.
It's essential to be able toexpress your needs without guilt
(39:42):
or fear.
You have to communicate yourpersonal needs.
Start by identifying yourdominant relationship need by
taking the five primaryrelationship needs quiz along
with your partner.
You can do that atneedsdrdarhawkscom.
Once you know your dominantneed and understand how it
(40:04):
operates, you can clearly stateyour feelings and desires.
You can avoid accusatorylanguage that may put you or
your partner on the defensive.
Avoid I already said thatRespect each other's boundaries.
(40:29):
Respecting each other'sboundaries means Not doing the
thing that they've asked you notto do, so not doing the thing
(40:57):
that they've asked you not to do.
Both partners must commit torespecting the established
boundaries so that they maycreate an environment of trust
and openness no joking, nosarcasm, no nitpicking or making
fun of each other's boundaries.
This requires acceptance andvalidation, and respect and
honoring them.
(41:17):
You also, as partners, shouldestablish a safe space for open
dialogue which creates anenvironment where both of you
will feel safe to discuss openlywhatever it is that needs to be
discussed.
(42:00):
In conclusion, effectivecommunication in marriage
requires dedication, a good bitof your time and effort,
understanding and consistentpractice of key strategies.
By implementing activelistening, using I statements,
being mindful of nonverbal cuesand practicing empathy, couples
(42:22):
can significantly improve theircommunication dynamics.
The establishment of healthyboundaries and creation of safe
spaces for dialogue arefundamental to maintaining
respectful and productiveconversations.
Comes from both partners'commitment to understanding each
(42:43):
other's perspectives, needs andfeelings and caring about each
other enough to do it.
Through structured approachesto problem solving, including
having clear ground rules,brainstorming techniques and
(43:05):
systematic solution development,couples can work together to
overcome communicationchallenges and strengthen their
relationship.
Improving communication is anongoing process that requires
patience, flexibility and mutualrespect.
When both of you are investedin building effective
communication habits, you laythe foundation for a stronger
and more fulfilling marriage.
You lay the foundation for astronger and more fulfilling
(43:28):
marriage.
I hope this was helpful and Ijust want to remind you to learn
what your dominant relationshipneed is by taking the five
primary relationship needs quizat needsdrdarhawkscom.
Ask your partner to take thequiz as well.
Ask your partner to take thequiz as well, and you will learn
(43:48):
all about the five primaryrelationship needs we all have.
Which one's your dominant andwhich one is the one that
doesn't bring out the best inyou or your partner?
Trust me, this will go a longway in helping you improve
communication in marriage.
Thank you so much for your timeand I will see you in the quiz
(44:14):
or in the next podcast.
Welcome to the Better Relationships Podcast Cut.
Welcome to the BetterRelationships Podcast.
I'm Dr Dar Hawks, relationshipCommunication Coach and Heer,
(00:24):
and today I am talking aboutsome ways to improve
communication in your marriagewhile also building bridges to
connect more deeply with yourpartner.
Effective communication istruly essential for really any
marriage, not just a successfulone.
(00:44):
It helps build intimacy andtrust, and it also plays a
crucial role in resolvingconflicts.
When couples struggle withcommunication, misunderstandings
arise, which then leads toemotional distance and increased
tension between partners.
(01:05):
In this pod, in this podcast,you'll learn common
communication issues thatcouples face, such as criticism
and defensiveness.
Strategies to improve yourcommunication in marriage,
including active listening andusing I statements.
(01:27):
The importance of empathy andcreating a safe space for open
dialogue.
Tips for maintaining regularcheck-ins to address concerns
proactively and knowing when toseek professional help if
communication challenges persist.
(01:49):
Improving communication inmarriage not only strengthens
your relationship, but alsodeepens the emotional connection
that you have.
With practical insights andactionable strategies, you truly
can transform yourcommunication habits and
(02:09):
cultivate a more fulfilling,connected partnership.
Here are some typicalcommunication problems that
couples face.
Communication problems thatcouples face.
(02:30):
Number one criticism.
This involves attacking yourpartner's character rather than
addressing specific behaviors.
For example, saying you alwaysforget to do the dishes shifts
blame and can lead todefensiveness and distancing.
Number two defensiveness.
It's a response often stemmingfrom criticism and it manifests
(02:54):
as denying responsibility orcounter complaining.
This creates a cycle whereneither of you will feel heard
or validated.
Number three stonewalling.
This happens when one partnerwithdraws from the conversation
and leaves the other feelingabandoned.
Stonewalling can certainly bean emotional escape, but leads
(03:19):
to increased disconnection.
Number four contempt.
This is one of the mostdamaging communication styles,
characterized by mocking sarcasmor disdain.
Contempt breeds resentment,erodes trust and can cause the
(03:41):
relationship to end over time.
Number five isolation.
When couples fail to prioritizequality time with each other or
neglect each other's emotionalneeds, they can drift apart
emotionally.
This isolation can lead to abreakdown in communication and
(04:01):
emotional connection.
Number six assumptions.
Making assumptions about yourpartner's thoughts, feelings or
intentions can lead tomisunderstanding, shutting down
and miscommunication.
It's important to ask questionsand ask for clarification and
(04:24):
not jump to conclusions.
Number seven lack of activelistening.
Simply hearing the words yourpartner is saying is not enough.
Active listening involves fullyengaging with them, seeking to
understand their perspectivewithout interrupting or forming
(04:45):
a response in your mind.
Number eight interpreting.
Interpreting your partner'swords or actions based on your
own biases or assumptions canlead to miscommunication and
unnecessary conflict, even ifyou end up being right.
It's important to approachconversations with an open mind,
(05:09):
a willingness to understandtheir point of view and openness
to truly hear and listen tothem.
Number nine silent treatment,ignoring or refusing to engage
in communication, can be a formof punishment or control.
This behavior shuts down anyopportunity for resolution or
(05:34):
understanding.
Number 10.
Neglecting or being unaware ofnonverbal cues.
Communication is not solelyabout the words you speak.
Nonverbal cues, such as bodylanguage, facial expressions,
tone of voice, what our arms aredoing, what our eyes are doing,
(05:57):
all play a crucial role inconveying emotions and
intentions.
Failing to pay attention tothese cues can result in
misunderstandings.
Number 11, avoidance.
Choosing to avoid difficultconversations or sensitive
topics may seem like an easy wayout, but it only postpones the
(06:23):
inevitable and allows resentmentto build.
It's important to addressissues head-on, with empathy and
a willingness to find commonground.
Number 12, thinking it's notimportant.
Dismissing or downplaying theimportance or value of a
(06:47):
conversation can undermine therelationship and create a sense
of invalidation and distancing.
Even seemingly minor issues canhave a cumulative effect,
eroding trust and intimacy overtime.
Eroding trust and intimacy overtime.
Number 13, interrupting ortalking over or taking over
(07:17):
Interrupting someone whilethey're speaking not only shows
a lack of respect, but it alsohinders the flow of effective
communication.
It's important to give eachother the space and time to
express themselves fully.
Number 14, jumping toconclusions.
Jumping to conclusions withoutgetting clarification can lead
(07:42):
to misunderstandings andunnecessary conflict.
It's important to askopen-ended questions and
actively listen to ensureaccurate understanding.
Number 15, inflexibility.
Being rigid in your views andunwillingness to consider
(08:02):
alternative perspectives canhinder constructive dialogue.
It's crucial to approachconversations with an open mind
and be willing to adapt yourviews, if necessary in support
of your partner.
That does not mean you agreefully and can live the same
philosophy that your partnerdoes.
(08:24):
It just means that you supportthem in what they're up to.
Number 16, lack of empathy.
Failing to empathize with yourpartner's emotions or
experiences can make them feelinvalidated, unsupported and
unheard.
Showing empathy and validationcan go a long way in building
(08:46):
trust and fostering effectivecommunication.
Number 17, denying help isneeded.
Denying or dismissing yourpartner's request for help can
create a sense of isolation andresentment.
A sense of isolation andresentment.
(09:10):
It also builds an intense senseof independence, where your
partner will feel like they haveto do it all by themselves and
eventually you both stopincluding each other in
day-to-day activities or stopasking each other for help or
support.
It's important to be willing tooffer support and assistance
when needed and when asked,because this promotes teamwork.
(09:31):
Recognizing these commoncommunication issues is crucial
for couples seeking to improvetheir marital bonds and
communication.
By understanding the negativeimpact of these behaviors,
couples can begin to replacethem with healthier
communication strategies.
(09:53):
Cultivating healthycommunication habits is not a
destination that you go to onetime.
It is a continuous,moment-to-moment, ongoing
process that requires effort andcommitment from both partners,
but it can significantlystrengthen the bond and overall
(10:16):
satisfaction in your marriage.
Or communication can lead toincreased conflict where
misunderstandings escalatequickly when communication is
ineffective quickly whencommunication is ineffective.
(10:41):
Emotional distance wherepartners feel disconnected
because conflicts remainunresolved.
Emotional disengagement canalso result in feelings of
isolation.
Lack of alignment Partners mayLack of alignment.
Partners may Lack of alignment.
(11:15):
Partners may feel their values,beliefs, lifestyle or goals are
not aligned, creatingdisagreement and conflict.
Loneliness when communicationbreaks down.
Partners may feel alone evenwhen they're physically together
, leading to a sense ofisolation, resentment and anger,
unresolved conflicts and unmetneeds build into resentment and
(11:36):
anger over time, which thenerodes trust, respect and
intimacy.
Decreased intimacy.
Poor communication hindersemotional and physical intimacy,
making it difficult for couplesto connect on a deeper level.
Intimacy starts with healthycommunication and connection and
(12:01):
understanding and respectingeach other.
Without that, intimacy cannotthrive.
Stagnation Without effectivecommunication, growth and
progress in the relationship canbe hindered, leading to a
stagnant, unsatisfying marriage.
By recognizing the impact ofthese issues and actively
(12:25):
working on improving yourcommunication, couples can
create a more fulfilling andharmonious partnership, and I'm
here to share with you that it'snever too late to start, no
matter how disconnected youmight feel in your relationship.
Individual differences, such aspersonality traits or
(12:47):
communication styles orlifestyle choices also play a
significant role in how couplesinteract.
Couples interact.
Factors like stress from workor family can worsen
communication issues at home.
Different cultural backgroundsor upbringings can influence how
(13:13):
partners express themselves andhow they understand and hear
each other's words.
There may be language barriers.
Multilingual couples may facechallenges in effectively
conveying their thoughts andemotions.
Previous negative pastexperiences, such as trauma or
unhealthy relationship dynamics,can also impact communication
(13:34):
patterns.
Interference and meddling fromfamily members or friends also
creates tension and taking sides, which then disrupts open
communication between partners.
Financial stress can lead toheightened emotions and
increased conflict, making iteven more important for couples
(13:57):
to have open lines ofcommunication.
Lack of alignment and theinability to be honest about all
things money creates issues ina marriage that just don't
Creates issues in a marriagethat don't just go away.
These factors can allcontribute to communication
breakdowns and misunderstandings, but they don't have to define
(14:21):
the health of your relationshipgoing forward.
By acknowledging and addressingthese challenges, couples can
work together to developeffective communication
strategies and skills that meettheir unique needs and improve
communication in marriage.
By the way, this may involveseeking professional help,
(14:44):
learning new communicationtechniques or simply committing
to being more mindful andempathetic listeners.
The effort you put intoimproving communication is an
investment in the long-termhealth and happiness, not just
for yourself, but also for yourpartner and the relationship.
(15:04):
Let's now talk about keystrategies for improving
communication with your partner.
As I've mentioned before,effective communication requires
(15:24):
conscious effort and specificstrategies to foster
understanding and connection.
Here are some key approaches toenhance marital communication
Active listening, which to meequals empathy.
It involves fully engaging withyour partner's words, emotions
and underlying messages.
(15:45):
This practice is crucial inbuilding a deeper understanding
of each other.
Active listening means payingattention not only to what your
spouse says, but also how theyfeel when expressing those
thoughts, and paying attentionto the nonverbals and asking and
inquiring what they're about.
(16:05):
This technique helps tovalidate your partner's feelings
and encourages open dialogueand creates a safe environment.
Here are some techniques foractive listening Paraphrasing
Repeat back what your spouse hassaid in your own words.
This demonstrates that youunderstood what they're saying
(16:27):
and what they're trying toconvey.
Example If your partner sharesfrustration about work, respond
with it sounds like you'refeeling overwhelmed with your
tasks.
They'll come back and say, no,that's not what I'm saying and
they will clarify, and then youcan paraphrase again.
(16:48):
Another way is to askclarifying questions.
Encourage further discussion byasking questions that prompt
more details.
Here's an example Can you tellme more about what specifically
made you feel that way in thatexample or in that situation?
This one's really important.
(17:10):
I see couples having a hardtime with this over 20 years of
working with them and itinvolves allowing awkward pauses
just sitting there silently.
Sometimes during a conversationthere may be moments, or at
(17:36):
times during a conversation,there will be moments of silence
or pauses.
These can be uncomfortable, butthey provide space for your
partner to gather their thoughtsand continue sharing.
Here's an example.
Here's an example Instead ofrushing to fill the silence,
(18:01):
give your partner severalmoments to collect their words,
by maintaining eye contact andnodding in encouragement.
You could even say it lookslike you're processing.
I'll sit here and wait untilyou're ready to share again.
Another way is to reflectemotions, acknowledge and
validate your spouse's feelingsby reflecting them back.
(18:23):
Here's an example If yourpartner says that they're sad
about a disagreement, if yourpartner says that they were sad
about a disagreement they hadwith a parent, respond with
empathy saying I can reallyunderstand why that would make
you feel upset, or I canunderstand why that would make
(18:45):
you feel sad.
Try to use the same words theyused and I recognize that I
didn't when I was sharing thisexample.
By actively listening and usingthese techniques, you can
create a deeper connection withyour partner and improve
communication in yourrelationship.
I also invite you to get betterat using I statements.
(19:08):
I statements are powerful toolsfor expressing feelings without
placing blame on your partner.
They shift the focus fromaccusations to personal feelings
.
Here's a tip Anytime you thinkor say starting a sentence with
you.
It's time to bite your tongueand transform what you're about
(19:33):
to say to using an I statement.
The reason why is because usingI statements allows you to
articulate how you're feelingwhile minimizing defensiveness
in response, and increases yourchances of being heard.
Here are some examples ofeffective I statements being
(19:59):
heard.
Here are some examples ofeffective I statements.
Instead of saying you neverlisten to me, try I feel unheard
when I'm sharing my thoughts.
Also, a side note about younever listen to me.
Actually, two side notes.
Number one never is an absolute.
When I work with couples and Ihear one or the other say use
(20:22):
the word never, we have adialogue and come up with
several examples where it's notthe case that it's never, it's
not an absolute.
So immediately that createsdefensiveness.
So immediately, that createsdefensiveness.
The second point I want to makethe second point I want to
(20:45):
mention about you never listenis that human beings have made
the word listen mean taking theaction that you said should be
taken.
Listening and following throughwith an action are two entirely
different things, and if itsounds like that is a pet peeve
of mine, you are spot on and itcomes from my childhood.
(21:08):
My parents would say you don'tlisten, you aren't listening.
Well, that's not true.
I was listening, I heard whatthey said.
There wasn't a request for meto do anything.
There was an expectation that Ifollow through.
So let me say this againListening does not equal taking
action or follow through.
(21:29):
They are two different things,as are making a request or an
ask to take an action.
So be clear when you'recommunicating.
To unpack those three things sothat you're clear about what
they are.
Here's another example.
You always make me upset Insteadof saying that, say, I feel
(21:53):
upset when our plans change atthe last minute.
It causes me angst because Ihave to reschedule things on my
calendar and I'm going to addthis as a bonus share with you,
I would like to.
And then you can continue withsaying going forward, I really
(22:17):
need to stick to my calendar andif plans change at the last
minute, please know that I maynot be available when we
reschedule because I alreadyhave something planned, so we'll
just have to find anothermutual time to get this done.
(22:39):
By framing your feelings inthat way, it opens up space for
dialogue rather than conflict.
And notice that I wasn't makingmy partner wrong around.
I feel upset when our planschange at the last minute.
But I was communicating theimpact it has when we reschedule
or try to coordinate anotherdate.
(23:02):
Let's talk about nonverbalcommunication now.
Much of communication occursthrough nonverbal signals, like
body language, facialexpressions and tone of voice.
Like body language, facialexpressions and tone of voice,
being attuned to these cues cansignificantly improve your
(23:23):
interactions.
Please understand thatnonverbal cues can often convey
more than words themselves, butthey also can be misinterpreted,
which leads tomisunderstandings.
I'll give you an example frommy own life.
My husband was answering aquestion, but he was answering a
(23:50):
question with a yes answerverbally, but his head was
nodding no.
That led me to feel like whatis he really saying?
Is he saying no?
That led me to feel like whatis he really saying?
Is he saying no?
I was paying more attention tothe nonverbal cue than I was to
the words coming out of hismouth.
But before I said anything, Irecognized through my conscious
awareness I'm getting confusingsignals here and said something
(24:16):
to the effect of I'm hearing yousay yes, but I'm seeing your
head nod no.
Can you clarify what you'recommunicating with this?
And I avoided a fight or anargument or a disagreement or
disappointment.
Argument or a disagreement ordisappointment.
(24:41):
Here are some examples ofnonverbal communication cues
that sometimes, frankly, getmissed Eye contact during
conversations, eye rolls duringconversations and I want to add
that they may get missed, butthey also get misinterpreted or
create a reaction that they mayget missed, but they also get
(25:01):
misinterpreted or create areaction.
Back to nonverbal communicationcues Using appropriate facial
expressions that match theconversation.
This requires focus on theconversations, not being
distracted or thinking aboutother things, so that you can be
present and you naturally matchyour facial expressions with
the conversation, maintainingopen body posture, uncrossed
(25:28):
arms, uncrossed arms and facingthe person.
A little bit of a side noteabout maintaining open body
posture it can be easy tomisinterpret when a person does
not have open body posture.
I'll give you an example frommy own life.
(25:51):
I have environmental asthma andon days when the air quality is
bad, I tend to fold my arms onmy chest often and that can lead
to misinterpreting my bodyposture in that I'm not
listening, I'm not payingattention or I just don't want
(26:14):
to be there, and that's not thecase.
So that's an example of reallyclarifying the body posture if
it doesn't match up with themessage being communicated
verbally.
Here are some more examplesNodding to show understanding
and engagement.
Be sure to nod, yes or no Inthis case, and in this example
(26:37):
it's going to be nodding to showyou understand.
In the affirmative Handgestures to emphasize points
physical proximity and personalspace.
Touch when appropriate, such asa gentle hand on the shoulder,
head, tilting to show interest.
The appropriate tone of voiceand pitch, mirroring the other
(26:59):
person's body language.
Posture, such as leaningforward to show interest.
Facial micro expressions, likea slight raise of the eyebrows.
Speed and rhythm of speech,silence and pauses.
Physical appearance and dress,use of space and movement,
(27:21):
breathing patterns, footpositioning and movement, hand
placement and movements andoverall body orientation.
Here are some tips for improvingyour nonverbal communication
skills Pay attention to bodylanguage, maintain an open
posture and make eye contact.
(27:43):
These behaviors signalengagement and openness.
Also, here's another tip If younotice the person you're
speaking with starts to foldtheir arms or moves in closer or
moves in far away, you may havedone that yourself and they're
mirroring you.
(28:03):
So paying attention not only totheir body language but also to
yours is very helpful.
Secondly, make sure you monitoryour tone and pitch of voice.
The way you say something andhow you say, it can absolutely
(28:27):
affect how it's received.
Aim for a calm and friendly,supportive tone during
discussions.
And, lastly, be conscious ofyour facial expressions.
Ensure that your expressionsmatch the message you're
conveying, to avoid mixedsignals.
That requires you beingcentered, grounded, calm in a
neutral space and if you're not,don't have the conversation.
(28:57):
Go, take care of you until youcan get into that neutral space.
Implementing these strategiescan lead to a more harmonious
marriage by cultivating a deeperunderstanding between partners.
Engaging in these practicesregularly will strengthen the
communication foundation that isessential for creating intimacy
(29:18):
and trust in your relationshipyour relationship.
Let's now talk about practicingempathy and compassion in your
conversations.
The importance of empathy andcompassion cannot be overstated.
(29:39):
It is a skill that can belearned.
It is something that noteveryone knows how to do and
when done well, it will enableyou to understand your partner's
thoughts and emotions, whichthen lead to deepening the
connection you both have.
Developing empathy andcompassion requires active
(30:01):
effort, and here are a fewtechniques to help you build
this skill Active imaginationMake a moment to visualize
yourself in your partner'ssituation, like literally put
their shoes on, consider theirfeelings, motivations and
challenges.
This mental and emotionalexercise can help you respond
(30:24):
with greater sensitivity and goa long way in improving
communication in your marriagePerspective-taking exercises.
Participate in discussions whereeach of you shares your
viewpoint on a topic or an issue.
After one person shares, theother reflects back what they've
(30:48):
heard.
That ensures clarity andunderstanding.
This is one way to practiceempathy in communication.
Empathy plays an essential roleduring disagreements as well.
When conflicts come up, it isvital to find common ground.
(31:11):
Compromise is not about winningor losing.
It's truly about creatingsolutions that satisfy both of
your needs.
Consider these strategies foreffective compromise.
Number one brainstorming win-winsolutions through common ground
(31:32):
.
Collaborate to generatemultiple options that address
both of your concerns.
Take turns coming up with ideasand options.
Write them down and then youtogether can deduct the ones
that neither of you align with,cross those out and then go
(31:53):
through the remaining ones tosee which ones truly align
closest.
For both of you to be satisfied, avoid evaluating ideas too
quickly.
Focus on the creativebrainstorming first.
Number two encourage activelistening.
(32:16):
Ensure that both partners havean opportunity to express their
thoughts and emotions withoutinterruption.
Be patient when your partner ispausing.
Be patient when your partner ispausing.
Give them space to finish,especially if your partner is
(32:37):
someone who needs time to thinkand process in the moment.
This will create a sense ofbeing heard and valued, which
leads to more constructiveresolution.
Number three identify yournon-negotiables.
Determine the core values orneeds that you have that are
non-negotiable and that yourpartner has.
(32:58):
By understanding these, you canthen focus on finding solutions
that honor and respect both ofyour non-negotiables, while also
maintaining alignment.
Seek mediation and professionalcoaching if needed.
Sometimes, despite all yourefforts, finding a compromise
(33:20):
may feel challenging.
Finding a compromise may feelchallenging.
In such cases, involving aneutral third party, such as a
relationship coach, can provideguidance and facilitate
productive discussions.
Number five prioritize needsover wants.
Get clear about the distinctionin the conflict of what you
(33:44):
need versus what you want.
Identify what is essential forboth of you instead of fixating
on specific desires.
This can help clarify whattruly matters.
Number six stay open-minded.
Approach disagreements with thewillingness to adapt your
stance.
Flexibility encouragescooperative problem-solving
(34:07):
rather than adversarialconfrontation.
Use neutral language.
Frame your requests withoutblame or judgment.
Language that emphasizespartnership builds collaboration
over division.
Partnership buildscollaboration over division.
(34:29):
By practicing empathy and usingeffective compromise techniques
, you strengthen yourcommunication skills and you
build resilience againstconflict.
These practices create anenvironment where both of you
will feel safe, valued andunderstood, paving the way for
healthier interactions in yourmarriage.
(34:50):
Let's now talk about how to findcommon ground through Bain's
let's now.
I'm going to now give you somesteps on how to find common
ground by brainstorming.
Steps on how to find commonground by brainstorming.
First and foremost, you want tocreate the right environment.
Choose a calm, neutral space,make sure both of you are ready
(35:12):
to engage and establish somebasic ground rules for
discussion.
Number two the initial steps.
Oh, and here's a hint, theground rules are embedded in
these steps, so pick the onesthat you want to establish for
(35:33):
ground rules.
The second thing, the secondstep Each partner states their
position clearly.
Each of you lists your sharedgoals and values.
Each of you lists your sharedgoals and values.
Each of you will listindividual goals and values, and
(35:55):
then you both will identifyareas of agreement first and put
a checkmark near those.
Number three go intobrainstorming.
Use mind mapping, write downall the ideas you both come up
with, without judgment.
Build upon each other'ssuggestions and focus on
quantity over quality initially.
(36:17):
The fourth step is finding theintersection points.
This is where the common groundlives.
Look for overlapping interests,identify shared priorities,
make note of mutual concerns andrecognize common values.
Number five solution development.
(36:38):
Combine your compatible ideas.
Create hybrid solutions.
It doesn't have to be an either, or it truly can be a hybrid of
, and Explore modifications toexisting scenarios and try them
out for a temporary trial periodand then revisit them using the
(37:01):
same process for brainstorming.
Number six using the sameprocess for brainstorming.
Number six the evaluationprocess.
Review each possible solution,assess the feasibility, meaning,
can you both live with it andwill you both honor, respect and
actually do it, take intoconsideration any long-term
(37:24):
implications and check in onalignment with both partners'
needs.
Number seven implementation.
Agree on the specific actionseach of you will take and make
Agree on the clear timelinesthat you're committing to, that
each of you commit to Defineeach of your responsibilities,
(37:46):
that that you're committing to,that each of you commit to
Define each of yourresponsibilities that you're
also committing to and plan inperiodic checkpoints on your
calendar.
And number eight you want tomeasure success through
indicators.
You both need to decide andtalk about how will we know
we've succeeded with this andwhat do we do when we feel like
(38:08):
we're not?
Some ideas are both partnersfeel heard?
The solution addresses yourcore needs, for both of you,
it's achievable and practical,and it maintains relationship
harmony.
The goal here is to findsolutions that benefit both of
you, not winning the argument.
(38:32):
Let's now talk about boundaries.
Establishing and respectinghealthy boundaries in marriage
is crucial for promotingrespectful communication is
crucial for promoting respectfulcommunication.
Boundaries let's now talk aboutboundaries and the importance
(39:01):
of them.
Creating and respecting eachother's boundaries that are
healthy is actually reallynecessary for promoting
respectful communication.
Boundaries will help you bothunderstand each other's limits
and preferences, which then willallow for more meaningful
interactions.
(39:21):
Here are some aspects.
Here are some key aspects toconsider.
It's essential to be able toexpress your needs without guilt
(39:42):
or fear.
You have to communicate yourpersonal needs.
Start by identifying yourdominant relationship need by
taking the five primaryrelationship needs quiz along
with your partner.
You can do that atneedsdrdarhawkscom.
Once you know your dominantneed and understand how it
(40:04):
operates, you can clearly stateyour feelings and desires.
You can avoid accusatorylanguage that may put you or
your partner on the defensive.
Avoid I already said thatRespect each other's boundaries.
(40:29):
Respecting each other'sboundaries means Not doing the
thing that they've asked you notto do, so not doing the thing
(40:57):
that they've asked you not to do.
Both partners must commit torespecting the established
boundaries so that they maycreate an environment of trust
and openness no joking, nosarcasm, no nitpicking or making
fun of each other's boundaries.
This requires acceptance andvalidation, and respect and
honoring them.
(41:17):
You also, as partners, shouldestablish a safe space for open
dialogue which creates anenvironment where both of you
will feel safe to discuss openlywhatever it is that needs to be
discussed.
(42:00):
In conclusion, effectivecommunication in marriage
requires dedication, a good bitof your time and effort,
understanding and consistentpractice of key strategies.
By implementing activelistening, using I statements,
being mindful of nonverbal cuesand practicing empathy, couples
(42:22):
can significantly improve theircommunication dynamics.
The establishment of healthyboundaries and creation of safe
spaces for dialogue arefundamental to maintaining
respectful and productiveconversations.
Comes from both partners'commitment to understanding each
(42:43):
other's perspectives, needs andfeelings and caring about each
other enough to do it.
Through structured approachesto problem solving, including
having clear ground rules,brainstorming techniques and
(43:05):
systematic solution development,couples can work together to
overcome communicationchallenges and strengthen their
relationship.
Improving communication is anongoing process that requires
patience, flexibility and mutualrespect.
When both of you are investedin building effective
communication habits, you laythe foundation for a stronger
and more fulfilling marriage.
You lay the foundation for astronger and more fulfilling
(43:28):
marriage.
I hope this was helpful and Ijust want to remind you to learn
what your dominant relationshipneed is by taking the five
primary relationship needs quizat needsdrdarhawkscom.
Ask your partner to take thequiz as well.
Ask your partner to take thequiz as well, and you will learn
(43:48):
all about the five primaryrelationship needs we all have.
Which one's your dominant andwhich one is the one that
doesn't bring out the best inyou or your partner?
Trust me, this will go a longway in helping you improve
communication in marriage.
Thank you so much for your timeand I will see you in the quiz
(44:14):
or in the next podcast.
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