January 22, 2025 • 40 mins
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Unlock the secrets to a fulfilling marriage that you define on your own terms. In this enlightening episode of the Better Relationships Podcast, hosted by Dr. Dar Hawks, we promise to provide you with personalized insights into building and maintaining a healthy, equal partnership. Moving beyond societal norms, we encourage husbands to delve into open communication and emotional intimacy with their partners. By having heartfelt conversations about roles, expectations, and needs, you'll learn how to align your relationship with both of your values, fostering a deeper connection and mutual support.
Explore the art of fostering equality and healthy communication within your relationship. Dr. Dar discusses how to maintain balance and address imbalances where they exist, highlighting the importance of using "I" statements to express feelings and taking personal responsibility for emotions. You'll discover strategies to nurture lasting partnerships through planning, managing emotions, and supporting each other's goals. Learn how consistent quality time and nurturing shared interests can solidify the emotional bonds that are crucial for a thriving relationship.
Uncover the transformative potential of relationship coaching as an empowering tool for overcoming communication barriers and enhancing connection. Dr. Dar shares how having a coach can offer judgment-free support and accountability, aiding both individuals and couples in achieving their relationship goals. With practical advice on setting ground rules for respectful dialogue, scheduling important discussions, and seeking professional guidance, this episode is your guide to creating a harmonious and healthy partnership. Let us provide you with the skills and insights you need to navigate challenges and embrace a future of love and understanding.
Welcome to the Better Relationships Podcast where Dr. Dar Hawks shares relationship tips and advice to help you be seen, heard, understood, and supported in your relationships. Taking on tough topics and giving you hope, inspiration, and ideas to experiment with, Dr. Dar Hawks is passionate about creating healthier, happier, and harmonious relationships...
Because when you are happy in your relationship, the world becomes a better place for all of us.
Welcome to the Better Relationships Podcast where Dr. Dar Hawks shares relationship tips and advice to help you be seen, heard, understood, and supported in your relationships. Taking on tough topics and giving you hope, inspiration, and ideas to experiment with, Dr. Dar Hawks is passionate about creating healthier, happier, and harmonious relationships...
Because when you are happy in your relationship, the world becomes a better place for all of us.
Take my free Primary Relationship Needs Quiz to discover your dominant, secondary, and shadow Primary Relationship Needs by visiting https://needs.drdarhawks.com. This one thing will help you better understand yourself, your partner, and your relationship, and even improve communication and connection between you and your partner.
Note: The quiz name has changed from Sovereign Relationship Needs to Primary Relationship Needs as of July 2024. Please keep that in mind for podcasts dated before July 2024.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to Episode 53 of the Better Relationships
Podcast.
I'm Dr Dar Hawks, relationshipCommunication Coach and Healer,
and today I'd like to talk withyou about marriage advice for
husbands.
The truth is, I've beenattempting to create this
(00:22):
podcast for you for 30 days.
I think it's because I'mobviously not a husband and try
as I might to put myself intothe shoes of a husband, it's
just not something I can do, soI'm just going to share what
I've learned from working withcouples for many years, as well
(00:43):
as from my own relationships andmarriage experience.
Took realizing that my ideasabout what a marriage looks like
wasn't defined by me.
It was defined by.
It was defined by Hollywood,disney, harlequin, my parents,
(01:05):
for sure, and all the otheradults around me, and
relationships that I observed inthe workplace through
co-workers and their personalrelationships, as well as
interactions with managers andthe higher-ups.
The thing is, we have heard somany sayings Marriage is hard,
(01:28):
marriage takes hard work,marriage is a two-way street.
Oh, just overlook the thingsthat bother you, because your
marriage is worth it.
I can't even list all of thesayings that I've heard over my
years on this planet that I'veheard over my years on this
planet here.
There's just so many of them.
If you have some, please sharethem with me.
(01:57):
Send me some fan mail and dropin some comments, because I want
to hear about the sayings thatyou've heard my coach to
acknowledge and accept that.
Accept everything I said aboutlearning, about relationships
not coming from me but from theoutside world, and then having
(02:20):
to unlearn everything that Ispecifically did not choose for
myself or for the relationshipsthat I wanted to have or the
type of relationship I wanted tohave.
This recognition of what arenot my ideas and the unlearning
of them was freeing in so manyways.
(02:41):
Really, sit down and get clearabout who I am, what I stand for
, what I'm about in the world,what causes are important to me,
what are my values, what are myneeds and requirements?
How do I want to feel in myrelationships?
How do I want those inrelationship with me to feel?
(03:02):
What does support look like?
Those in relationship with meto feel what does support look
like?
There's a lot to unpack and,contrary to popular belief and
the mainstream media, marriagedoes not have to be defined by
society, religion, legalities,culture, tradition, your parents
or even friends and otherfamily members.
Here's the deal you have thepower to choose what is best for
(03:27):
you, what is aligned with whoyou are and what you stand for,
and what's best for you and yourpartner together and what's
best for your partner.
So marriage is defined by youand your partner, along with
your values, roles, requirements, needs, commitment, agreements,
(03:49):
objectives and communication.
It is truly about what you bothchoose, what you both want to
create and actually what worksfor you and both of you.
Husbands may not be fully awarethat they play a significant
part and role in creating andmaintaining emotional intimacy,
(04:10):
ensuring harmonious andlong-lasting relationship.
Let's talk about communicatingand understanding your role now.
I've noticed in working withcouples for the last couple of
decades that they do fall intothis default way of being in
their relationship, when theycould just really sit down and
talk about all the things goingon in their life and household
(04:33):
and who's best to address them,who's best to take
accountability for them, who hasthe strength to do it, who has
the skills to do it, who has thedesire to do it.
And then the things that youdon't enjoy.
Split those up too, and I'mgoing to talk about that in a
little bit.
But one of the first, mostimportant steps is truly having
(04:57):
an open, heartfelt conversationwith your wife, with your
partner, about your role as ahusband.
Share what being a husbandmeans to you.
After you've given it somethought, Ask her what her
expectations and needs are fromthe role of a husband and, of
course, from you.
By listening intently to whatshe says and how she says it,
(05:27):
you can then surface and discussany gaps between your
expectations and herexpectations, along with the
reality of what you can andcannot commit to.
If you're wondering whetherit's too late to have this
conversation, I say it is nevertoo late and it's never too
early.
Having this conversation nowand then periodically checking
(05:47):
in with each other is a goodidea in the spirit of nurturing
a healthy relationship.
Getting on the same page foreach of your roles is a great
start towards creating emotionalconnection and, frankly, a
(06:09):
healthier marriage.
Working with couples for over 20years has taught me that these
are the elements that are key toa happy and healthy marriage.
The first one is emotionalintimacy.
Being emotionally connectedthrough daily appreciation,
affection and heartfelt, opencommunication is the most
(06:32):
underrated relationship skilland yet is the one that builds
closeness, safety, support, opencommunication and love in your
relationship.
The second one is sharedfinancial responsibility.
Oftentimes, couples just don'thave fun looking at numbers.
(06:52):
You know one partner may bereally skilled at it and the
other isn't, or we just don'twant to look at it or we don't
want to carve out time to do it,so it defaults to one partner
and not the other.
But here's the thing being openand honest about your money,
habits, goals and dreams isreally important, and doing that
(07:15):
together is crucial.
Work together to set and achieveindividual and shared financial
goals.
Learn how to talk about thingsthat you learned about money and
identify your behaviors and beable to hear what your partner
sees about your relationshipwith money and vice versa.
(07:35):
Identify what sharing andfairness looks like if you both
have different income levels.
Have verbal agreements witheach other and review your
finances together at leastquarterly, but honestly I think
you should do it monthly.
Have a scheduled time on yourcalendars where you're both
(07:58):
going through the bills togetherand paying them together and
looking at your financialpicture together and looking at
your goals together.
Don't defer to one or the otherto just handle the finances
bills, saving or spending inyour partnership.
Do it together.
You both can support each otherin accomplishing your goals.
(08:19):
You can support each other inrefraining from making a
emotional or impulsive purchasethat ultimately doesn't forward
your financial goals.
Having that support inpartnership around all things
money is a great way to build asuccessful, thriving
(08:40):
relationship.
Is it hard to do if you don'ttypically do it?
Absolutely.
Can you learn how to do ittogether as a couple without
getting into fights?
Absolutely.
Is it hard to look at yourselfand admit, oh my gosh, I'm such
a spender, I love my Starbuckscoffees and I love going there
every day.
Absolutely it's hard.
(09:02):
But when you look at your goalstogether and you look at is my
weekly or daily Starbucks stop?
What's the impact it's havingto my financial goal and my
future?
Then only when I see it inblack and white through
financial documentation can youmake behavior and honestly, I
(09:27):
never used to really look at mynumbers.
But once I started doing that,my behavior started changing.
I was not spending where I usedto spend and I started to save
and have more money in myaccounts and in savings that
would multiply and just stopspending frivolously.
(09:50):
That doesn't mean that I don'tspend and get things that I may
want or save for them, but I'mvery conscious because I look at
my numbers and where my money'sgoing and where I'm really
flushing it down the toiletversus keeping it in a safe, if
you will.
So I think it's reallyimportant to do that, and you've
(10:11):
got to create a safeenvironment where you both can
just talk about it openly andhonestly.
It's really hard to acknowledgemoney, behaviors and things
that we may not be proud of, butit's really important to do
that.
Also, looking at your shoppingbehaviors, I think that retail
therapy really is not a realthing, and the reason why I say
(10:35):
that is because it's short-lived, so you might spend money and
feel good in the moment, butit's a delay tactic to not look
at yourself or look at howyou're feeling, or look at what
is bothering you.
And when you learn theemotional management skills and
really looking at before you goto retail therapy as a default
(10:57):
and, by the way, it's not yourfault We've been taught to be
consumers, we've been taught tobe spenders, but when you spend
some time to just sit and lookat what am I feeling, what is
this urge to go and spend rightnow and put in a rule to wait
three or four days before youactually spend the money, you
(11:18):
will notice that that desire forthat thing disappears.
Like that really happens for me.
If I see something and it'slike, oh, I'm ready to buy and
click the buy button, I justhave a rule to wait, sleep on it
.
A few days later I'll go tothat webpage and it's like, oh,
I don't even need that.
I don't know why I was lookingat that.
So those are some examples ofwhat I do in my life and maybe
(11:39):
they'll help you of what I do inmy life and maybe they'll help
you.
But really looking at yourbehaviors around money and
saving and spending and seewhere you and your partner are
aligned and where you're notaligned will save you from a lot
of conflict later on.
And then talking about ways toget on the same page and
allowing flexibility with yourdifference.
(12:00):
Talking about money and settingup structures for money is such
a personal Solve.
Things when you're not on thesame page is really helpful to
facilitate open, honest andclear about it.
And by then emotions areflaring and the right words
don't come out.
So you want to talk regularly.
I'm going to talk a little bitmore about communication and
(12:21):
what that balance.
Responsibilities are reallyimportant as well.
You want to share the load andbalance responsibilities fairly.
I will talk a little bit abouthow that looks and what that
could look like.
Active listening Attentivelylisten to what your partner says
.
Drop everything Before theyspeak.
Ask how they would like you tolisten.
Here are some examples.
(12:42):
Do you want me to judge?
Would you like me to listen toask you questions, to sort
through it yourself?
Would you like me to listen andthen help you fix it or address
it?
Or do you want me to justlisten and wait for you to ask
me questions?
Let them tell you and then dowhat they ask.
Learning listening skills is soimportant.
You could just say how can Isupport you with this?
(13:06):
Let your partner finish theirthoughts before responding.
I've found that starts talkingas soon as the silence happens.
I'm guilty of.
If there's a significant pause.
You may want to add more time orthere provide household chores
and agree to how frequently orwhen they're going to be done.
When will they be done duringthe week?
Or is it just that we're goingto get it done each week?
(13:27):
Then see if anything that'sleft over.
You want to see which one ofthose can you do together.
Maybe folding laundry togetheris a nice thing to do.
Maybe cooking dinner in thekitchen and cleaning together is
a nice thing to do.
I find that many couples havetheir own responsibilities, but
they don't have team events,things that they participate in
(13:48):
as a team.
When it comes to householdchores and responsibilities, it
is important to do thingstogether.
Effective partnershipsdistribute household chores,
financial duties, child care,etc.
Equitably.
This balance preventsresentment from building up and
ensures that both partners feelvalued and supported.
Regular discussions aboutexpectations and
(14:11):
responsibilities can helpmaintain this equilibrium.
It is manageable have partnersthat are just so giving and so
caring supported.
So this equitable bit is reallyimportant if you're married to
someone that's so very giving,because when they start getting
(14:32):
busy, they will continue to doall the things that they were
doing for you, but they willstart to resent it over time
because they're so busy and theymay expect you to notice that
their schedule is so busy and sooverrun.
They may expect you to takesome of the load off of them,
but because the habits that youhave previously haven't created
(14:57):
the space for you to take onmore, you may not notice it.
So just avoid that right away,right out the gate, and let them
know I appreciate your sogiving, but I can do my laundry
each week.
That's just an example.
And they might say somethinglike listen, I'm already doing
the laundry, I don't mind, justadding yours to it.
You could say I understand, butit's my laundry, I will take
(15:23):
care of it.
And when I'd like you to helpme out with it, is it okay if I
just ask you?
Those are great ways to findthat equality in the balance of
the workload and they won't feeltaken advantage of and you
won't be in a position whereyou're unconsciously taking
advantage.
Also, being a healthy, equalpartner, you want to treat each
(15:44):
other as equals in all aspectsof your relationship.
This builds respect and trustand emotional connection.
The other thing is, each of youhas to also see yourself as an
equal in the relationship.
I find that one partner or theother, oftentimes, when I ask
them questions about whatequality looks like, they don't
truly feel like they're an equalor that they're treated as an
(16:07):
equal.
So ask each other if there'sany area of your relationship
where you don't feel like you'rean equal, and then talk about
ways to help each other moveforward and move towards feeling
and embracing that equality.
Ask each other what they needfrom each other in order to
feeling and embracing thatequality, ask each other what
they need from each other inorder to build that sense of
equality.
(16:28):
It's also important to have ahealthy relationship mindset.
You want to maintain a positiveand healthy outlook about your
relationship.
Talking about each other in arespectful, appreciative and
loving way with others is oneway to demonstrate a healthy
relationship mindset.
Are your thoughts and feelingshealthy about your relationship
(16:50):
and your partner?
If you find yourself in acritical, judging mindset, then
chances are you're going down apath of not having a healthy
relationship mindset and seekingprofessional help to help you
shift.
That is really important.
Practicing healthy behaviors isalso important.
You want to engage in habitsand behaviors that promote the
(17:10):
well-being for yourself and yourpartner and the relationship.
Instead of criticizing eachother, for example, support each
other.
This one is really close to myheart as a relationship
communication coach and healer.
Learning and using diplomaticdifficult topics or things that
are really bothering you,staying calm and managing your
(17:34):
own emotions as you talk witheach other will help you
communicate to connect ratherthan shut each other down.
Take time to plan what you wantto convey, along with your asks
for support from your partnerbefore you go and have the
conversation.
Also, make sure your emotionsare in neutral space.
(17:55):
Oftentimes I find couples wantto handle it head on and just go
.
Take care of it.
Chances are it's not going togo well.
So if you take the time to planwhat you want to say, how you
want to say it, the outcome thatyou want, how you want your
partner to feel when you'retalking about this, and how you
want to feel, and making surethat you're not doing it when
(18:15):
you're emotionally charged, willhelp ensure your conversation
goes smoothly.
Carefully choosing the rightwords and thinking about the
reaction or response will alsohelp you plan.
Get clear about why you want tohave this conversation, what
benefit will it give you andyour partner, and what outcome
you want to create or havehappen.
(18:37):
Then communicate all of thatwith your partner as well.
Open communication is thecornerstone of any healthy
relationship.
It cultivates trust andunderstanding between partners
and enables them to share theirthoughts, feelings and concerns
without fear of judgment,retribution, accusations,
arguing or fighting.
(18:58):
When you communicate openlywith your spouse, you build a
foundation where both of youwill feel heard and valued.
Also, not avoidingconversations is really
important, or getting clearabout why you avoid
conversations.
I find couples avoid each othera lot because they don't want
to hurt each other's feelings,or they think it'll just
(19:20):
magically go away and gethandled, or they just want to
avoid the difficulty of theconversation in any reaction.
This is a skill that takes timefrom reacting emotionally.
Learning this and helps youaddress issues and get them
handled promptly before theyescalate in a calm manner.
(19:43):
Diplomatic communicationrequires coming from a space of
openness and possibility ratherthan critical, emotional or
judgmental approaches.
You really do need to be in aneutral state of mind and being
to have healthy conversations.
Here are some tips Use Istatements Instead of saying you
(20:04):
never listen.
Try, I'm feeling unheard whenwe don't discuss things or we
avoid each other.
Show empathy.
Acknowledge your partner'sfeelings by saying I understand
that you're upset and actually Idon't really like that one
because it's kind of accusatoryand can create defensiveness and
upset.
A better way to say it is Iunderstand that I did or said
(20:27):
something that upset you.
Please share specifically whatthat is so that I become aware
of it from your perspective andcan work on resolving it with
you.
Avoid blame.
Focus on how actions made youfeel rather than blaming
yourself or your partner, youalso want to manage your energy,
(20:48):
take care of yourself so thatyou can bring your best self to
the relationship.
This also means ensuring thatyou manage your own emotions and
take responsibility for yourown feelings and needs.
Your partner does not controlthat.
Becoming and being a healthy,happy partner goes a long way in
creating a relationship thatlasts.
(21:08):
And becoming a healthy andhappy partner is your
accountability, not yourpartner's, because happiness
comes from within.
Schedule quality time regularlydaily.
Making time for each otherdaily shows that you both hold
each other in high esteem andimportance, which builds a
(21:29):
closeness that feels socomfortable, accepting and what
I call home, sweet home.
I find that couples get so busyand focus on their kids
schedules and getting thingsdone around the house and their
to-do lists that they oftendon't have time for each other,
and I don't think weekly datenights are enough.
To be honest, carve out 15 to30 minutes for each other each
(21:53):
day and let your children knowthat is your private time for
the two of you to connect andgive them things that they can
do so that they learn.
My parents are interacting witheach other and taking time out
for themselves.
They're going to learn healthyrelationship behaviors through
you modeling it.
One more thing you really wantto support each other.
(22:15):
Supporting each other with yourgoals, aspirations and dreams
is one of the sexiest things youcan do to break up proof your
relationship when you feel seen,heard, understood and supported
.
It's comforting.
It's like crawling into a warmbed on a very cold night kind of
comfort.
Being actively interested,involved and engaging, while
(22:37):
offering encouragement andproviding emotional and
practical assistance when askedand when you see that it's
needed, shows you support eachother and your partner.
Check in to see how they'redoing with a specific goal or
dream and ask how you cansupport them with the next step
or moving forward.
Shows you care deeply aboutyour partner.
(22:57):
Be their champion andcheerleader and allow them to be
that for you.
By supporting each other, youbuild a foundation of trust and
resilience, ensuring that bothpartners feel valued, understood
, and you will create aharmonious and fulfilling
relationship in the process.
You will create a harmoniousand fulfilling relationship in
(23:19):
the process.
These techniques create anenvironment where both of you
feel respected, trusted andunderstood, which then will make
it easier to tackle difficultconversations down the road.
Here's my definition of ahealthy partnership A healthy,
equal partnership in marriage ischaracterized by mutual trust,
respect, open communication,shared and individual interests
(23:44):
and shared responsibilities.
Both partners contributeequally to the relationship,
valuing each other's opinionsand decisions.
This balance allows for asupportive environment where you
both can thrive.
Now I want to talk briefly aboutthe importance of emotional
intimacy in your relationship Ican't emphasize this and to feel
(24:07):
heard, to be understood andsupported for support of each
other's rights, having our backsalways and in all ways.
I think that men and women bothwant this from each other too.
It's not gender specific.
Emotional intimacy forms thebackbone of a strong marital
relationship.
(24:28):
It involves sharing your owninnermost thoughts and feelings
with each other.
When you prioritize emotionalintimacy, you create a safe
space for authenticity.
That's essential for long-termsatisfaction and happiness.
And, by the way, emotionalintimacy translates to happiness
in the bedroom too.
(24:49):
To begin building emotionalintimacy, it's a great idea to
first learn what each of yourprimary relationship needs and
communication styles are.
You can do that by taking myprimary relationship needs quiz
at needsdardhawkscom that'sneedsdardhawkscom and ask your
(25:15):
partner to take it too.
Wwwdrdarhawkscom, and ask yourpartner to take it too.
You'll both learn about thefive primary relationship needs
and communication styles, eachof your dominant styles and how
they impact your relationship,communication and day-to-day
interactions.
A healthy marriage is not justabout loving each other, but
also about nurturing theemotional connection that draws
(25:36):
you closer together in asustainable way.
Now I want to talk aboutovercoming barriers to effective
dialogue.
Barriers such asmisunderstandings, assumptions,
expectations and emotionalreactions can hinder effective
communication.
Here's how to overcome them.
(25:58):
Clarify intentions.
Ensure that you clearly stateyour intentions to avoid
misunderstandings.
Stay calm.
Manage your emotions to preventescalation.
Ask questions.
Confirm your understanding byasking clarifying questions,
like I want to ensure Iunderstand.
(26:19):
Is this what you mean by that?
By addressing these barriersproactively instead of
reactively, you pave the way formore productive, connected and
meaningful conversations.
I also want to touch on theimportance of listening in your
marriage.
Listening is just as crucial,if not more important, as
(26:42):
speaking and maintaining healthydialogue.
Listening goes beyond merelyhearing words.
It involves understanding theemotions and intentions behind
them.
It also involves assessing theactions, behaviors and body
language and alignment with thewords and actions.
When you listen actively andintently, you show your spouse
(27:06):
that their feelings, opinionsand actions matter.
This will strengthen youremotional intimacy and trust If
you want to assess how well youlisten to your partner right now
.
Take my listening quiz atlistendrdarhawkscom to
self-assess how well you listenwhen communicating with your
(27:26):
partner.
Invest a few minutes to ensurethat both you and your partner
feel heard and respected, bothduring and after a conversation.
You can both take the quizafter a conversation and see how
you did in order to improveyour listening and talk about it
.
By emphasizing opencommunication, practicing
(27:47):
diplomatic dialogue, overcomingbarriers, improving
communication skills andimproving listening skills,
husbands can significantlycontribute to a healthier and
more satisfying marriage.
I want to talk now about commonsources of conflict in marriages
.
Understanding the commonsources of conflict is essential
(28:08):
for managing these conflicts ifthey arise.
Some frequent areas ofcontention I have found include
financial disagreements.
Areas of contention I havefound include financial
disagreements.
Household responsibilities,division of chores and parenting
duties can often lead todisputes.
Communication issues,misunderstandings, expectations,
assumptions and lack of opendialogue can result in ongoing
(28:31):
tension.
Intimacy concerns, mismatchedexpectations around physical and
emotional intimacy can createdisconnects and extended family
interference.
Identifying these sources earlycan help you address them
proactively, preventingescalation and avoidance.
Here are some brief techniquesfor calm conflict management
(28:55):
Stay calm, practice deepbreathing or take a short break
to cool down before discussingsensitive topics, or take a few
days to get clear and plan yourconversation and let your
partner in advance say let yourpartner in advance know hey,
this weekend I would like tocarve out half an hour to an
(29:17):
hour to talk about things thatare bothering me.
It's not about you, I just wantto have a conversation and see
if we can improve this area ofour relationship.
Now they might say, oh okay,yes, let's carve out time.
I'm happy to do that latertoday if you'd like, or let's do
it now.
Just say I want to plan andtake time to think things
(29:38):
through before we talk and I'mjust letting you know I want to
carve out time this weekend.
Now, if you're married to agiving person, it's going to
bother them and they're going tobe thinking about it, so you
may want to consider that andjust wait to let them know to
carve out time and schedule timeon your calendars.
Use I statements.
Express your feelings withoutblaming your partner.
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For example, I feel hurt when Ifeel like this situation is
escalating, and here's why Payfull attention to seeking
compromises.
Aim for solutions that satisfyboth of you rather than winning.
Set some ground rules.
Agree on respectful behaviorsduring disagreements, such as no
(30:21):
shouting or name calling, andalso agree on what you're both
going to do if those behaviorsdo show up, so that you both
know what to do if it happens.
Because I find that whendisrespectful behaviors are
starting in dialogue, whenyou're interacting, they tend to
(30:42):
escalate if you try to stopthem.
So you want to go ahead andhave an agreement about what
each of you are going to doshould they happen, schedule
date nights and set asideregular time for date nights,
but also daily time for the twoof you, whether it's dining
together or a cozy night at homeor 15 minutes sitting in the
(31:04):
living room talking about yourday.
That consistent alone time isreally important to strengthen
your relationship.
Having open conversations whereyou can share your dreams, fears
and aspirations with each otheris really important, because
this deepens your understandingand appreciation of each other.
Just saying, listen, I havethis fear that you're going to
(31:25):
leave me one day and yourpartner says that's ridiculous.
I understand that's ridiculous,but I have this fear.
What can we do to ensure dailythat fear is not real?
Here's an example of when thatfear gets activated in me when
you're on your way home and Idon't know you're on your way
(31:45):
home and I haven't heard fromyou all day.
That really helps this feartake hold.
Is there any way you could justtext me real quick right before
you're on your way home?
That's not a great example, butI think you get the gist of
what I'm trying to say here.
Express gratitude, acknowledgeand appreciate the small things.
(32:06):
Pay attention to what yourpartner's doing for you and how
they're contributing to you.
These simple words of thanks goa long way in making your
partner feel valued and you feelvalued.
Physical affection thesesurprise, regular hugs, kisses
and holding hands promoteemotional warmth and
connectedness.
(32:26):
Shared hobbies, engagingactivities you both enjoy
whether it's cooking, hiking orreading together Shared
interests boost emotionalcloseness.
Just sitting in a room togetherwhile you're watching your TV
show and they're reading, in andof itself boosts emotional
closeness.
Practice mindfulness.
(32:47):
Doing this together throughmeditation or yoga or just
sitting in nature to connect ona mental and spiritual level,
creates closeness as well.
You really don't have to betalking with each other to build
this close, safe space.
Implementing these strategieswill help you create a
respectful environment that'sconducive to resolving conflicts
(33:08):
if they show up later.
This is not something you justdo when there's conflict.
These are daily actions to doto build a strong relationship.
I also invite you to seeksupport for conflict resolution.
Oftentimes, couples try to doit on themselves.
When a third party canfacilitate and mediate a
conversation in 10 minutes whereit might take you days,
(33:33):
somebody like me who's trainedin relationship communication
can come up with scenarios thatthe two of you may not have even
thought of.
It's like an ideation strategysession that honors both of your
individual needs and togetherneeds.
It's amazing what can happen ina very short amount of time
(33:54):
when you meet with a championwho cares about you individually
and both of you in arelationship.
Alternatives like relationshipcoaching and relationship
communication.
Coaching really focuses onpractical skills, the present
moment and your relationshipsuccess, with actionable advice
(34:16):
that you can implement rightaway.
It's not about focusing on yourbehaviors, what you did wrong,
what's wrong with you, andreally looking at the past and
rehashing it.
That's what I love aboutcoaching.
It's forward moving and it'schampioning you as an individual
, not making you wrong, and it'schampioning you as an
(34:39):
individual, not making you wrong.
I find that people who engagein coaching leave the session
really empowered.
Professional support offers youseveral advantages Objective
insights.
Therapists or coaches offerunbiased perspectives on
conflicts and growth.
They provide a structuredapproach where sessions follow a
systematic method to tacklewhatever it is you want to
(35:01):
create step by step.
You'll also learn skillbuilding, specific techniques
tailored to your relationshipneeds and you will also be able
to talk things out.
So if you're wanting to talkwith your partner about
something, you can plan theconversation with your coach or
therapist, if you have that kindof relationship with them.
(35:24):
I love having these planningconversations with my clients,
working with them to plan theconversation.
Then they go, have theconversation and then we come
back and they debrief on how itwent and then we adjust if we
need to.
I just love doing that with myclients.
So reach out to me to plan yourconversations.
(35:46):
I am here for you, and here arefive compelling reasons to have
a session with a relationshipcoach.
They will provide objectiveinsights.
A relationship communicationcoach offers unbiased
perspectives on conflicts andgrowth and day-to-day
interactions.
They can help you see thingsfrom different angles, which is
(36:08):
incredibly valuable in improvingyour relationship.
They are skilled in trulylistening and creating a space
for you to just share what'sthere.
They also are skilled inhelping you move forward, not
backward.
They don't spend a lot of timereliving the past ad nauseum.
Coaching is about addressingwhat it is you want to address
(36:31):
listening to what's going on andbeing a champion for you and
your relationship.
What's going on and being achampion for you and your
relationship.
A coach can also help youovercome common barriers to
effective communication, such asmisunderstandings, assumptions
and emotional reactions.
They provide tools andstrategies to address these
barriers proactively.
They also provide support andaccountability.
(36:52):
Having a coach provides ongoingsupport to you and
accountability.
It's a judgment-free zone foryou.
Support to you andaccountability.
It's a judgment-free zone foryou to just come and share.
They can help you stay on trackwith your relationship goals
and ensure that you areconsistently working towards a
healthier and more fulfillingpartnership.
Having sessions with your coachon a weekly basis is like that
(37:13):
recharging that you do for anelectric car.
It gives you the empowermentfor your week and you're ready
to just handle whatever comesyour way at work and at home.
It's amazing.
I am a big fan of havingcoaches in my life as well, so I
walk my talk.
If you have any specificquestions or want specific
(37:35):
advice or coaching, please reachout.
You can do that atdrdarhawkscom and click the
contact link to reach out to me,or you can simply schedule a
session with me on that page aswell.
I hope this has been helpful toyou and please, please, please,
please, go and check out parttwo of this podcast, in episode
(38:00):
54, where I will talk about thefive primary relationship needs
and communication styles.
Welcome to Episode 53 of the Better Relationships
Podcast.
I'm Dr Dar Hawks, relationshipCommunication Coach and Healer,
and today I'd like to talk withyou about marriage advice for
husbands.
The truth is, I've beenattempting to create this
(00:22):
podcast for you for 30 days.
I think it's because I'mobviously not a husband and try
as I might to put myself intothe shoes of a husband, it's
just not something I can do, soI'm just going to share what
I've learned from working withcouples for many years, as well
(00:43):
as from my own relationships andmarriage experience.
Took realizing that my ideasabout what a marriage looks like
wasn't defined by me.
It was defined by.
It was defined by Hollywood,disney, harlequin, my parents,
(01:05):
for sure, and all the otheradults around me, and
relationships that I observed inthe workplace through
co-workers and their personalrelationships, as well as
interactions with managers andthe higher-ups.
The thing is, we have heard somany sayings Marriage is hard,
(01:28):
marriage takes hard work,marriage is a two-way street.
Oh, just overlook the thingsthat bother you, because your
marriage is worth it.
I can't even list all of thesayings that I've heard over my
years on this planet that I'veheard over my years on this
planet here.
There's just so many of them.
If you have some, please sharethem with me.
(01:57):
Send me some fan mail and dropin some comments, because I want
to hear about the sayings thatyou've heard my coach to
acknowledge and accept that.
Accept everything I said aboutlearning, about relationships
not coming from me but from theoutside world, and then having
(02:20):
to unlearn everything that Ispecifically did not choose for
myself or for the relationshipsthat I wanted to have or the
type of relationship I wanted tohave.
This recognition of what arenot my ideas and the unlearning
of them was freeing in so manyways.
(02:41):
Really, sit down and get clearabout who I am, what I stand for
, what I'm about in the world,what causes are important to me,
what are my values, what are myneeds and requirements?
How do I want to feel in myrelationships?
How do I want those inrelationship with me to feel?
(03:02):
What does support look like?
Those in relationship with meto feel what does support look
like?
There's a lot to unpack and,contrary to popular belief and
the mainstream media, marriagedoes not have to be defined by
society, religion, legalities,culture, tradition, your parents
or even friends and otherfamily members.
Here's the deal you have thepower to choose what is best for
(03:27):
you, what is aligned with whoyou are and what you stand for,
and what's best for you and yourpartner together and what's
best for your partner.
So marriage is defined by youand your partner, along with
your values, roles, requirements, needs, commitment, agreements,
(03:49):
objectives and communication.
It is truly about what you bothchoose, what you both want to
create and actually what worksfor you and both of you.
Husbands may not be fully awarethat they play a significant
part and role in creating andmaintaining emotional intimacy,
(04:10):
ensuring harmonious andlong-lasting relationship.
Let's talk about communicatingand understanding your role now.
I've noticed in working withcouples for the last couple of
decades that they do fall intothis default way of being in
their relationship, when theycould just really sit down and
talk about all the things goingon in their life and household
(04:33):
and who's best to address them,who's best to take
accountability for them, who hasthe strength to do it, who has
the skills to do it, who has thedesire to do it.
And then the things that youdon't enjoy.
Split those up too, and I'mgoing to talk about that in a
little bit.
But one of the first, mostimportant steps is truly having
(04:57):
an open, heartfelt conversationwith your wife, with your
partner, about your role as ahusband.
Share what being a husbandmeans to you.
After you've given it somethought, Ask her what her
expectations and needs are fromthe role of a husband and, of
course, from you.
By listening intently to whatshe says and how she says it,
(05:27):
you can then surface and discussany gaps between your
expectations and herexpectations, along with the
reality of what you can andcannot commit to.
If you're wondering whetherit's too late to have this
conversation, I say it is nevertoo late and it's never too
early.
Having this conversation nowand then periodically checking
(05:47):
in with each other is a goodidea in the spirit of nurturing
a healthy relationship.
Getting on the same page foreach of your roles is a great
start towards creating emotionalconnection and, frankly, a
(06:09):
healthier marriage.
Working with couples for over 20years has taught me that these
are the elements that are key toa happy and healthy marriage.
The first one is emotionalintimacy.
Being emotionally connectedthrough daily appreciation,
affection and heartfelt, opencommunication is the most
(06:32):
underrated relationship skilland yet is the one that builds
closeness, safety, support, opencommunication and love in your
relationship.
The second one is sharedfinancial responsibility.
Oftentimes, couples just don'thave fun looking at numbers.
(06:52):
You know one partner may bereally skilled at it and the
other isn't, or we just don'twant to look at it or we don't
want to carve out time to do it,so it defaults to one partner
and not the other.
But here's the thing being openand honest about your money,
habits, goals and dreams isreally important, and doing that
(07:15):
together is crucial.
Work together to set and achieveindividual and shared financial
goals.
Learn how to talk about thingsthat you learned about money and
identify your behaviors and beable to hear what your partner
sees about your relationshipwith money and vice versa.
(07:35):
Identify what sharing andfairness looks like if you both
have different income levels.
Have verbal agreements witheach other and review your
finances together at leastquarterly, but honestly I think
you should do it monthly.
Have a scheduled time on yourcalendars where you're both
(07:58):
going through the bills togetherand paying them together and
looking at your financialpicture together and looking at
your goals together.
Don't defer to one or the otherto just handle the finances
bills, saving or spending inyour partnership.
Do it together.
You both can support each otherin accomplishing your goals.
(08:19):
You can support each other inrefraining from making a
emotional or impulsive purchasethat ultimately doesn't forward
your financial goals.
Having that support inpartnership around all things
money is a great way to build asuccessful, thriving
(08:40):
relationship.
Is it hard to do if you don'ttypically do it?
Absolutely.
Can you learn how to do ittogether as a couple without
getting into fights?
Absolutely.
Is it hard to look at yourselfand admit, oh my gosh, I'm such
a spender, I love my Starbuckscoffees and I love going there
every day.
Absolutely it's hard.
(09:02):
But when you look at your goalstogether and you look at is my
weekly or daily Starbucks stop?
What's the impact it's havingto my financial goal and my
future?
Then only when I see it inblack and white through
financial documentation can youmake behavior and honestly, I
(09:27):
never used to really look at mynumbers.
But once I started doing that,my behavior started changing.
I was not spending where I usedto spend and I started to save
and have more money in myaccounts and in savings that
would multiply and just stopspending frivolously.
(09:50):
That doesn't mean that I don'tspend and get things that I may
want or save for them, but I'mvery conscious because I look at
my numbers and where my money'sgoing and where I'm really
flushing it down the toiletversus keeping it in a safe, if
you will.
So I think it's reallyimportant to do that, and you've
(10:11):
got to create a safeenvironment where you both can
just talk about it openly andhonestly.
It's really hard to acknowledgemoney, behaviors and things
that we may not be proud of, butit's really important to do
that.
Also, looking at your shoppingbehaviors, I think that retail
therapy really is not a realthing, and the reason why I say
(10:35):
that is because it's short-lived, so you might spend money and
feel good in the moment, butit's a delay tactic to not look
at yourself or look at howyou're feeling, or look at what
is bothering you.
And when you learn theemotional management skills and
really looking at before you goto retail therapy as a default
(10:57):
and, by the way, it's not yourfault We've been taught to be
consumers, we've been taught tobe spenders, but when you spend
some time to just sit and lookat what am I feeling, what is
this urge to go and spend rightnow and put in a rule to wait
three or four days before youactually spend the money, you
(11:18):
will notice that that desire forthat thing disappears.
Like that really happens for me.
If I see something and it'slike, oh, I'm ready to buy and
click the buy button, I justhave a rule to wait, sleep on it
.
A few days later I'll go tothat webpage and it's like, oh,
I don't even need that.
I don't know why I was lookingat that.
So those are some examples ofwhat I do in my life and maybe
(11:39):
they'll help you of what I do inmy life and maybe they'll help
you.
But really looking at yourbehaviors around money and
saving and spending and seewhere you and your partner are
aligned and where you're notaligned will save you from a lot
of conflict later on.
And then talking about ways toget on the same page and
allowing flexibility with yourdifference.
(12:00):
Talking about money and settingup structures for money is such
a personal Solve.
Things when you're not on thesame page is really helpful to
facilitate open, honest andclear about it.
And by then emotions areflaring and the right words
don't come out.
So you want to talk regularly.
I'm going to talk a little bitmore about communication and
(12:21):
what that balance.
Responsibilities are reallyimportant as well.
You want to share the load andbalance responsibilities fairly.
I will talk a little bit abouthow that looks and what that
could look like.
Active listening Attentivelylisten to what your partner says
.
Drop everything Before theyspeak.
Ask how they would like you tolisten.
Here are some examples.
(12:42):
Do you want me to judge?
Would you like me to listen toask you questions, to sort
through it yourself?
Would you like me to listen andthen help you fix it or address
it?
Or do you want me to justlisten and wait for you to ask
me questions?
Let them tell you and then dowhat they ask.
Learning listening skills is soimportant.
You could just say how can Isupport you with this?
(13:06):
Let your partner finish theirthoughts before responding.
I've found that starts talkingas soon as the silence happens.
I'm guilty of.
If there's a significant pause.
You may want to add more time orthere provide household chores
and agree to how frequently orwhen they're going to be done.
When will they be done duringthe week?
Or is it just that we're goingto get it done each week?
(13:27):
Then see if anything that'sleft over.
You want to see which one ofthose can you do together.
Maybe folding laundry togetheris a nice thing to do.
Maybe cooking dinner in thekitchen and cleaning together is
a nice thing to do.
I find that many couples havetheir own responsibilities, but
they don't have team events,things that they participate in
(13:48):
as a team.
When it comes to householdchores and responsibilities, it
is important to do thingstogether.
Effective partnershipsdistribute household chores,
financial duties, child care,etc.
Equitably.
This balance preventsresentment from building up and
ensures that both partners feelvalued and supported.
Regular discussions aboutexpectations and
(14:11):
responsibilities can helpmaintain this equilibrium.
It is manageable have partnersthat are just so giving and so
caring supported.
So this equitable bit is reallyimportant if you're married to
someone that's so very giving,because when they start getting
(14:32):
busy, they will continue to doall the things that they were
doing for you, but they willstart to resent it over time
because they're so busy and theymay expect you to notice that
their schedule is so busy and sooverrun.
They may expect you to takesome of the load off of them,
but because the habits that youhave previously haven't created
(14:57):
the space for you to take onmore, you may not notice it.
So just avoid that right away,right out the gate, and let them
know I appreciate your sogiving, but I can do my laundry
each week.
That's just an example.
And they might say somethinglike listen, I'm already doing
the laundry, I don't mind, justadding yours to it.
You could say I understand, butit's my laundry, I will take
(15:23):
care of it.
And when I'd like you to helpme out with it, is it okay if I
just ask you?
Those are great ways to findthat equality in the balance of
the workload and they won't feeltaken advantage of and you
won't be in a position whereyou're unconsciously taking
advantage.
Also, being a healthy, equalpartner, you want to treat each
(15:44):
other as equals in all aspectsof your relationship.
This builds respect and trustand emotional connection.
The other thing is, each of youhas to also see yourself as an
equal in the relationship.
I find that one partner or theother, oftentimes, when I ask
them questions about whatequality looks like, they don't
truly feel like they're an equalor that they're treated as an
(16:07):
equal.
So ask each other if there'sany area of your relationship
where you don't feel like you'rean equal, and then talk about
ways to help each other moveforward and move towards feeling
and embracing that equality.
Ask each other what they needfrom each other in order to
feeling and embracing thatequality, ask each other what
they need from each other inorder to build that sense of
equality.
(16:28):
It's also important to have ahealthy relationship mindset.
You want to maintain a positiveand healthy outlook about your
relationship.
Talking about each other in arespectful, appreciative and
loving way with others is oneway to demonstrate a healthy
relationship mindset.
Are your thoughts and feelingshealthy about your relationship
(16:50):
and your partner?
If you find yourself in acritical, judging mindset, then
chances are you're going down apath of not having a healthy
relationship mindset and seekingprofessional help to help you
shift.
That is really important.
Practicing healthy behaviors isalso important.
You want to engage in habitsand behaviors that promote the
(17:10):
well-being for yourself and yourpartner and the relationship.
Instead of criticizing eachother, for example, support each
other.
This one is really close to myheart as a relationship
communication coach and healer.
Learning and using diplomaticdifficult topics or things that
are really bothering you,staying calm and managing your
(17:34):
own emotions as you talk witheach other will help you
communicate to connect ratherthan shut each other down.
Take time to plan what you wantto convey, along with your asks
for support from your partnerbefore you go and have the
conversation.
Also, make sure your emotionsare in neutral space.
(17:55):
Oftentimes I find couples wantto handle it head on and just go
.
Take care of it.
Chances are it's not going togo well.
So if you take the time to planwhat you want to say, how you
want to say it, the outcome thatyou want, how you want your
partner to feel when you'retalking about this, and how you
want to feel, and making surethat you're not doing it when
(18:15):
you're emotionally charged, willhelp ensure your conversation
goes smoothly.
Carefully choosing the rightwords and thinking about the
reaction or response will alsohelp you plan.
Get clear about why you want tohave this conversation, what
benefit will it give you andyour partner, and what outcome
you want to create or havehappen.
(18:37):
Then communicate all of thatwith your partner as well.
Open communication is thecornerstone of any healthy
relationship.
It cultivates trust andunderstanding between partners
and enables them to share theirthoughts, feelings and concerns
without fear of judgment,retribution, accusations,
arguing or fighting.
(18:58):
When you communicate openlywith your spouse, you build a
foundation where both of youwill feel heard and valued.
Also, not avoidingconversations is really
important, or getting clearabout why you avoid
conversations.
I find couples avoid each othera lot because they don't want
to hurt each other's feelings,or they think it'll just
(19:20):
magically go away and gethandled, or they just want to
avoid the difficulty of theconversation in any reaction.
This is a skill that takes timefrom reacting emotionally.
Learning this and helps youaddress issues and get them
handled promptly before theyescalate in a calm manner.
(19:43):
Diplomatic communicationrequires coming from a space of
openness and possibility ratherthan critical, emotional or
judgmental approaches.
You really do need to be in aneutral state of mind and being
to have healthy conversations.
Here are some tips Use Istatements Instead of saying you
(20:04):
never listen.
Try, I'm feeling unheard whenwe don't discuss things or we
avoid each other.
Show empathy.
Acknowledge your partner'sfeelings by saying I understand
that you're upset and actually Idon't really like that one
because it's kind of accusatoryand can create defensiveness and
upset.
A better way to say it is Iunderstand that I did or said
(20:27):
something that upset you.
Please share specifically whatthat is so that I become aware
of it from your perspective andcan work on resolving it with
you.
Avoid blame.
Focus on how actions made youfeel rather than blaming
yourself or your partner, youalso want to manage your energy,
(20:48):
take care of yourself so thatyou can bring your best self to
the relationship.
This also means ensuring thatyou manage your own emotions and
take responsibility for yourown feelings and needs.
Your partner does not controlthat.
Becoming and being a healthy,happy partner goes a long way in
creating a relationship thatlasts.
(21:08):
And becoming a healthy andhappy partner is your
accountability, not yourpartner's, because happiness
comes from within.
Schedule quality time regularlydaily.
Making time for each otherdaily shows that you both hold
each other in high esteem andimportance, which builds a
(21:29):
closeness that feels socomfortable, accepting and what
I call home, sweet home.
I find that couples get so busyand focus on their kids
schedules and getting thingsdone around the house and their
to-do lists that they oftendon't have time for each other,
and I don't think weekly datenights are enough.
To be honest, carve out 15 to30 minutes for each other each
(21:53):
day and let your children knowthat is your private time for
the two of you to connect andgive them things that they can
do so that they learn.
My parents are interacting witheach other and taking time out
for themselves.
They're going to learn healthyrelationship behaviors through
you modeling it.
One more thing you really wantto support each other.
(22:15):
Supporting each other with yourgoals, aspirations and dreams
is one of the sexiest things youcan do to break up proof your
relationship when you feel seen,heard, understood and supported
.
It's comforting.
It's like crawling into a warmbed on a very cold night kind of
comfort.
Being actively interested,involved and engaging, while
(22:37):
offering encouragement andproviding emotional and
practical assistance when askedand when you see that it's
needed, shows you support eachother and your partner.
Check in to see how they'redoing with a specific goal or
dream and ask how you cansupport them with the next step
or moving forward.
Shows you care deeply aboutyour partner.
(22:57):
Be their champion andcheerleader and allow them to be
that for you.
By supporting each other, youbuild a foundation of trust and
resilience, ensuring that bothpartners feel valued, understood
, and you will create aharmonious and fulfilling
relationship in the process.
You will create a harmoniousand fulfilling relationship in
(23:19):
the process.
These techniques create anenvironment where both of you
feel respected, trusted andunderstood, which then will make
it easier to tackle difficultconversations down the road.
Here's my definition of ahealthy partnership A healthy,
equal partnership in marriage ischaracterized by mutual trust,
respect, open communication,shared and individual interests
(23:44):
and shared responsibilities.
Both partners contributeequally to the relationship,
valuing each other's opinionsand decisions.
This balance allows for asupportive environment where you
both can thrive.
Now I want to talk briefly aboutthe importance of emotional
intimacy in your relationship Ican't emphasize this and to feel
(24:07):
heard, to be understood andsupported for support of each
other's rights, having our backsalways and in all ways.
I think that men and women bothwant this from each other too.
It's not gender specific.
Emotional intimacy forms thebackbone of a strong marital
relationship.
(24:28):
It involves sharing your owninnermost thoughts and feelings
with each other.
When you prioritize emotionalintimacy, you create a safe
space for authenticity.
That's essential for long-termsatisfaction and happiness.
And, by the way, emotionalintimacy translates to happiness
in the bedroom too.
(24:49):
To begin building emotionalintimacy, it's a great idea to
first learn what each of yourprimary relationship needs and
communication styles are.
You can do that by taking myprimary relationship needs quiz
at needsdardhawkscom that'sneedsdardhawkscom and ask your
(25:15):
partner to take it too.
Wwwdrdarhawkscom, and ask yourpartner to take it too.
You'll both learn about thefive primary relationship needs
and communication styles, eachof your dominant styles and how
they impact your relationship,communication and day-to-day
interactions.
A healthy marriage is not justabout loving each other, but
also about nurturing theemotional connection that draws
(25:36):
you closer together in asustainable way.
Now I want to talk aboutovercoming barriers to effective
dialogue.
Barriers such asmisunderstandings, assumptions,
expectations and emotionalreactions can hinder effective
communication.
Here's how to overcome them.
(25:58):
Clarify intentions.
Ensure that you clearly stateyour intentions to avoid
misunderstandings.
Stay calm.
Manage your emotions to preventescalation.
Ask questions.
Confirm your understanding byasking clarifying questions,
like I want to ensure Iunderstand.
(26:19):
Is this what you mean by that?
By addressing these barriersproactively instead of
reactively, you pave the way formore productive, connected and
meaningful conversations.
I also want to touch on theimportance of listening in your
marriage.
Listening is just as crucial,if not more important, as
(26:42):
speaking and maintaining healthydialogue.
Listening goes beyond merelyhearing words.
It involves understanding theemotions and intentions behind
them.
It also involves assessing theactions, behaviors and body
language and alignment with thewords and actions.
When you listen actively andintently, you show your spouse
(27:06):
that their feelings, opinionsand actions matter.
This will strengthen youremotional intimacy and trust If
you want to assess how well youlisten to your partner right now
.
Take my listening quiz atlistendrdarhawkscom to
self-assess how well you listenwhen communicating with your
(27:26):
partner.
Invest a few minutes to ensurethat both you and your partner
feel heard and respected, bothduring and after a conversation.
You can both take the quizafter a conversation and see how
you did in order to improveyour listening and talk about it
.
By emphasizing opencommunication, practicing
(27:47):
diplomatic dialogue, overcomingbarriers, improving
communication skills andimproving listening skills,
husbands can significantlycontribute to a healthier and
more satisfying marriage.
I want to talk now about commonsources of conflict in marriages
.
Understanding the commonsources of conflict is essential
(28:08):
for managing these conflicts ifthey arise.
Some frequent areas ofcontention I have found include
financial disagreements.
Areas of contention I havefound include financial
disagreements.
Household responsibilities,division of chores and parenting
duties can often lead todisputes.
Communication issues,misunderstandings, expectations,
assumptions and lack of opendialogue can result in ongoing
(28:31):
tension.
Intimacy concerns, mismatchedexpectations around physical and
emotional intimacy can createdisconnects and extended family
interference.
Identifying these sources earlycan help you address them
proactively, preventingescalation and avoidance.
Here are some brief techniquesfor calm conflict management
(28:55):
Stay calm, practice deepbreathing or take a short break
to cool down before discussingsensitive topics, or take a few
days to get clear and plan yourconversation and let your
partner in advance say let yourpartner in advance know hey,
this weekend I would like tocarve out half an hour to an
(29:17):
hour to talk about things thatare bothering me.
It's not about you, I just wantto have a conversation and see
if we can improve this area ofour relationship.
Now they might say, oh okay,yes, let's carve out time.
I'm happy to do that latertoday if you'd like, or let's do
it now.
Just say I want to plan andtake time to think things
(29:38):
through before we talk and I'mjust letting you know I want to
carve out time this weekend.
Now, if you're married to agiving person, it's going to
bother them and they're going tobe thinking about it, so you
may want to consider that andjust wait to let them know to
carve out time and schedule timeon your calendars.
Use I statements.
Express your feelings withoutblaming your partner.
(29:59):
For example, I feel hurt when Ifeel like this situation is
escalating, and here's why Payfull attention to seeking
compromises.
Aim for solutions that satisfyboth of you rather than winning.
Set some ground rules.
Agree on respectful behaviorsduring disagreements, such as no
(30:21):
shouting or name calling, andalso agree on what you're both
going to do if those behaviorsdo show up, so that you both
know what to do if it happens.
Because I find that whendisrespectful behaviors are
starting in dialogue, whenyou're interacting, they tend to
(30:42):
escalate if you try to stopthem.
So you want to go ahead andhave an agreement about what
each of you are going to doshould they happen, schedule
date nights and set asideregular time for date nights,
but also daily time for the twoof you, whether it's dining
together or a cozy night at homeor 15 minutes sitting in the
(31:04):
living room talking about yourday.
That consistent alone time isreally important to strengthen
your relationship.
Having open conversations whereyou can share your dreams, fears
and aspirations with each otheris really important, because
this deepens your understandingand appreciation of each other.
Just saying, listen, I havethis fear that you're going to
(31:25):
leave me one day and yourpartner says that's ridiculous.
I understand that's ridiculous,but I have this fear.
What can we do to ensure dailythat fear is not real?
Here's an example of when thatfear gets activated in me when
you're on your way home and Idon't know you're on your way
(31:45):
home and I haven't heard fromyou all day.
That really helps this feartake hold.
Is there any way you could justtext me real quick right before
you're on your way home?
That's not a great example, butI think you get the gist of
what I'm trying to say here.
Express gratitude, acknowledgeand appreciate the small things.
(32:06):
Pay attention to what yourpartner's doing for you and how
they're contributing to you.
These simple words of thanks goa long way in making your
partner feel valued and you feelvalued.
Physical affection thesesurprise, regular hugs, kisses
and holding hands promoteemotional warmth and
connectedness.
(32:26):
Shared hobbies, engagingactivities you both enjoy
whether it's cooking, hiking orreading together Shared
interests boost emotionalcloseness.
Just sitting in a room togetherwhile you're watching your TV
show and they're reading, in andof itself boosts emotional
closeness.
Practice mindfulness.
(32:47):
Doing this together throughmeditation or yoga or just
sitting in nature to connect ona mental and spiritual level,
creates closeness as well.
You really don't have to betalking with each other to build
this close, safe space.
Implementing these strategieswill help you create a
respectful environment that'sconducive to resolving conflicts
(33:08):
if they show up later.
This is not something you justdo when there's conflict.
These are daily actions to doto build a strong relationship.
I also invite you to seeksupport for conflict resolution.
Oftentimes, couples try to doit on themselves.
When a third party canfacilitate and mediate a
conversation in 10 minutes whereit might take you days,
(33:33):
somebody like me who's trainedin relationship communication
can come up with scenarios thatthe two of you may not have even
thought of.
It's like an ideation strategysession that honors both of your
individual needs and togetherneeds.
It's amazing what can happen ina very short amount of time
(33:54):
when you meet with a championwho cares about you individually
and both of you in arelationship.
Alternatives like relationshipcoaching and relationship
communication.
Coaching really focuses onpractical skills, the present
moment and your relationshipsuccess, with actionable advice
(34:16):
that you can implement rightaway.
It's not about focusing on yourbehaviors, what you did wrong,
what's wrong with you, andreally looking at the past and
rehashing it.
That's what I love aboutcoaching.
It's forward moving and it'schampioning you as an individual
, not making you wrong, and it'schampioning you as an
(34:39):
individual, not making you wrong.
I find that people who engagein coaching leave the session
really empowered.
Professional support offers youseveral advantages Objective
insights.
Therapists or coaches offerunbiased perspectives on
conflicts and growth.
They provide a structuredapproach where sessions follow a
systematic method to tacklewhatever it is you want to
(35:01):
create step by step.
You'll also learn skillbuilding, specific techniques
tailored to your relationshipneeds and you will also be able
to talk things out.
So if you're wanting to talkwith your partner about
something, you can plan theconversation with your coach or
therapist, if you have that kindof relationship with them.
(35:24):
I love having these planningconversations with my clients,
working with them to plan theconversation.
Then they go, have theconversation and then we come
back and they debrief on how itwent and then we adjust if we
need to.
I just love doing that with myclients.
So reach out to me to plan yourconversations.
(35:46):
I am here for you, and here arefive compelling reasons to have
a session with a relationshipcoach.
They will provide objectiveinsights.
A relationship communicationcoach offers unbiased
perspectives on conflicts andgrowth and day-to-day
interactions.
They can help you see thingsfrom different angles, which is
(36:08):
incredibly valuable in improvingyour relationship.
They are skilled in trulylistening and creating a space
for you to just share what'sthere.
They also are skilled inhelping you move forward, not
backward.
They don't spend a lot of timereliving the past ad nauseum.
Coaching is about addressingwhat it is you want to address
(36:31):
listening to what's going on andbeing a champion for you and
your relationship.
What's going on and being achampion for you and your
relationship.
A coach can also help youovercome common barriers to
effective communication, such asmisunderstandings, assumptions
and emotional reactions.
They provide tools andstrategies to address these
barriers proactively.
They also provide support andaccountability.
(36:52):
Having a coach provides ongoingsupport to you and
accountability.
It's a judgment-free zone foryou.
Support to you andaccountability.
It's a judgment-free zone foryou to just come and share.
They can help you stay on trackwith your relationship goals
and ensure that you areconsistently working towards a
healthier and more fulfillingpartnership.
Having sessions with your coachon a weekly basis is like that
(37:13):
recharging that you do for anelectric car.
It gives you the empowermentfor your week and you're ready
to just handle whatever comesyour way at work and at home.
It's amazing.
I am a big fan of havingcoaches in my life as well, so I
walk my talk.
If you have any specificquestions or want specific
(37:35):
advice or coaching, please reachout.
You can do that atdrdarhawkscom and click the
contact link to reach out to me,or you can simply schedule a
session with me on that page aswell.
I hope this has been helpful toyou and please, please, please,
please, go and check out parttwo of this podcast, in episode
(38:00):
54, where I will talk about thefive primary relationship needs
and communication styles.
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