Please share your thoughts, feedback, and questions. I would love to hear from you.
Are you ready to transform your relationships through the power of communication? Join us on the Better Relationships Podcast as we uncover the secrets to identifying and addressing the five primary relationship needs: love and belonging, freedom, fun, power, and safety and survival. Dr. Dar, your Relationship Communication Coach and Healer, takes us on a journey to understand these needs and how they manifest in our daily interactions, offering invaluable tips for nurturing connections with loved ones. Discover how to speak the language of love and belonging through appreciation, active listening, and emotional support. Learn how to infuse fun into your relationship with playfulness and spontaneity, keeping the joy alive.
Embark on a quest for building empowering relationships with strategies centered on reliability, open communication, and mutual respect. Dr. Dar sheds light on the importance of creating a stable and safe environment through dependability and consistent routines. Explore the delicate balance between freedom and togetherness, as we delve into respecting individuality and encouraging personal growth. Gain insights on celebrating achievements and planning adventures, ensuring a fulfilling and exploratory partnership. This episode offers a toolkit for fostering supportive bonds where both partners feel secure and respected.
Get ready to revolutionize your marriage or partnership through empathetic communication and understanding. Unveil the potential of tools like the Primary Relationship Needs Quiz to decode your partner's dominant needs, paving the way for a deeper connection. Embrace empathy & acceptance as we discuss strategies for creating shared rituals and thoughtful surprises. Access a wealth of resources through our community, including coaching sessions and educational series, designed to support your journey toward a more meaningful, satisfying relationship. Whet
Welcome to the Better Relationships Podcast where Dr. Dar Hawks shares relationship tips and advice to help you be seen, heard, understood, and supported in your relationships. Taking on tough topics and giving you hope, inspiration, and ideas to experiment with, Dr. Dar Hawks is passionate about creating healthier, happier, and harmonious relationships...
Because when you are happy in your relationship, the world becomes a better place for all of us.
Welcome to the Better Relationships Podcast where Dr. Dar Hawks shares relationship tips and advice to help you be seen, heard, understood, and supported in your relationships. Taking on tough topics and giving you hope, inspiration, and ideas to experiment with, Dr. Dar Hawks is passionate about creating healthier, happier, and harmonious relationships...
Because when you are happy in your relationship, the world becomes a better place for all of us.
Take my free Primary Relationship Needs Quiz to discover your dominant, secondary, and shadow Primary Relationship Needs by visiting https://needs.drdarhawks.com. This one thing will help you better understand yourself, your partner, and your relationship, and even improve communication and connection between you and your partner.
Note: The quiz name has changed from Sovereign Relationship Needs to Primary Relationship Needs as of July 2024. Please keep that in mind for podcasts dated before July 2024.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Episode 54 of the Better Relationships
Podcast.
Hi, I'm Dr Dar, theRelationship Communication Coach
and Healer, and today I'd liketo expand on the five primary
relationship needs as acommunication style.
If you have not done so already, please take the Relationship
(00:21):
Needs Quiz at needsdardhawkscomthat's needsdardhawkscom so that
you can learn what yourdominant primary relationship
need is and receive myRelationship Communication
(00:41):
Educational Series.
Relationship communicationeducational series.
There are five primaryrelationship needs that we each
have in varying degrees ofdominance.
They are love and belonging,freedom, fun, power and safety
and survival.
We all have these five needs inour relationships that are the
(01:04):
underlying thing that drives ourrelationships, our behaviors,
our interactions and ourcommunication.
I'd like to share examples ofhow they show up in interactions
with your partner.
If your partner has a dominantprimary relationship need of
love and belonging, here aresome tips to keep in mind.
(01:27):
Number one express appreciationand affection.
Express appreciation andaffection Regularly.
Tell her how much youappreciate and love her.
Simple words like I love you orI appreciate this specific
thing that you did for me todaycan make a big impact.
(01:48):
Also, leave unexpected littlenotes of appreciation and love
around the house or send sweettext messages acknowledging her
during the day.
These small acts of love andappreciation can go a long way
in creating a healthyrelationship.
Number two be an active,intentional listener.
(02:11):
Give her your undividedattention when she's speaking
and put away distractions likeyour phone or the TV.
Practice empathic responses toshow that you understand her
feelings by saying things likethat sounds really challenging,
or I can see why this is soupsetting.
Thirdly, show emotional support.
(02:35):
Acknowledge and validate heremotions.
Even if you don't fullyunderstand, show that you
respect and appreciate herfeelings.
Provide physical comfort.
More often than not, a hug orjust holding her hand can convey
your support and love withoutthe need for words.
Engage in heartfeltconversations.
(02:58):
Open up first.
Share your feelings andthoughts.
This will help build emotionalintimacy and shows that you
trust her with your deepest,darkest vulnerabilities.
Ask her about her day and shareabout your day.
Show genuine interest in herexperiences and feelings by
(03:19):
asking questions like how wasyour day, what was the most
challenging aspect of it, whatwas the best aspect of your day
and what made you happy today.
Number five have quality timetogether.
Plan date nights regularly,schedule time for just the two
of you to connect and enjoy eachother's company, and carve out
(03:41):
15 to 30 minutes each day justto be with each other.
You could read a book together.
You could sit in the room andplay a game together.
There's so much you can dotogether.
Practice shared activities.
Find activities that you bothenjoy and can do together,
whether it's cooking, hiking orwatching a favorite show and
(04:04):
talking about it.
Number six acts of service.
Help each other with chores.
Take on tasks or chores.
Taking help with chores, takingon tasks or chores can show
that you care and are willing toshare the load, and especially
when you're sharing the load, itallows you both to get done
(04:27):
what needs to get done so thatyou can have quality time
together each evening.
Thoughtful gestures, small actsof kindness, like making her
coffee in the morning or runningan errand for her, can mean a
lot.
Be consistent and reliable.
Keep your promises and be yourword.
Follow through on yourcommitments to build trust and
show that you're depend promisesand be your word.
Follow through on yourcommitments to build trust and
show that you're dependable andbe there for her.
(04:49):
Make an effort to be presentand available, especially during
challenging times.
Now for a wife whose dominantprimary relationship need is fun
and whose communication styleis playful and lighthearted.
(05:11):
Here are some tips to keep thespark alive and foster a joyful
relationship.
Number one embrace playfulness.
Have a sense of humor, sharejokes, funny stories and
(05:32):
lighthearted banter to keep theatmosphere cheerful and
enjoyable.
Teasing Gentle, affectionateteasing can create a fun and
flirty dynamic.
Just be sure to know theboundaries and keep it
respectful.
Number two plan exciting funactivities.
Adventure dates or organizingactivities like hiking, biking
or visiting amusement parks canbring some fun into your daily
(05:55):
or weekly planning weeklyroutine.
Exploring new places togethercan be a thrilling and fun
experience.
Have game nights where you plangame nights with board games,
card games or even video games.
Friendly competition can alsobe a lot of fun.
(06:16):
Spontaneity is helpful too.
Surprise her with spontaneousdates or weekend getaways.
The element of surprise addsexcitement to the relationship.
Also, small, unexpectedgestures like bringing her her
favorite treat or planning animpromptu dance party at home
can be delightful if she's intothat kind of thing.
(06:38):
It's going to require youpaying attention to the things
that she enjoys and that lighther up, and then planning those
and taking the initiative forthem.
Number four having lightheartedcommunication.
Send her fun and flirtymessages throughout the day to
keep the communication lively,and do this consistently.
(06:58):
Don't do it one day and thenjust stop.
It's really healthy to do itperiodically, on a regular basis
.
Compliment her in a playfulmanner like you're not just the
queen of my heart, you're thequeen of fun too.
As an example, number five beopen to new experiences.
Try new hobbies together.
Be open to exploring newhobbies or activities that she
(07:21):
suggests.
This shows that you value herinterests and want to share in
the fun.
Be willing to say yes moreoften to spontaneous plans and
adventures and that impromptudance in the kitchen when she's
playing her favorite song, evenif they're outside your comfort
zone.
Celebrate milestones with fun,like having themed parties where
(07:44):
you're celebrating specialoccasions or events that match
her playful spirit.
Give her creative and playfulgifts that align with her
fun-loving personality.
Maintain a positive attitude.
Focus on joy.
Keep a positive attitude andfocus on the joy and laughter in
your relationship.
(08:05):
Find ways to make her laugh,whether through funny videos,
silly moments or humorousanecdotes.
Also, create fun environmentswhere you have conversations on
serious topics, but in alighthearted way, but in a
(08:27):
lighthearted way.
People who are oriented by funas their dominant relationship
need don't like very serious,tense environments or moods.
You really need to staylighthearted and you can
certainly have difficultconversations while keeping
things light.
If you need help with that,please reach out More than happy
to help you with that.
(08:48):
Next for a wife whose primary.
Next for a wife whose dominantprimary.
Next for a wife whose dominantprimary relationship need is
safety and survival and whosecommunication style reflects
those priorities.
Here are some tips for husbandsto create a secure and
supportive environment.
(09:09):
First one you guessed it iscreating a safe and secure
environment.
Ensure that your home is a safeand secure place.
Install necessary securitymeasures like locks, alarms and
cameras if needed.
Make sure she has a comfortableand peaceful space at home
where she can relax and feelsecure for communication.
(09:32):
Create a safe nurturing spaceand energy and mood where you
can talk about serious topicsand she feels safe to do so.
You also want to be reliable andconsistent.
You want to follow through bykeeping your promises and
commitments.
Reliability builds her trustand sense of security.
You want to also maintain astable, predictable and
(09:55):
consistent routine.
This will help her create asense of stability and safety,
things that she can count on.
Communicate transparently, beopen and honest and transparent
in your communication.
Do not withhold information orbe evasive.
She will pick up on that andthat can also erode trust.
(10:17):
If you're not ready to talk,just say can you give me some
time to think about it and I'llshare.
I'm still processing and sheshould be fine with that as long
as you're communicatingRegularly.
Reassure her of your love andcommitment and let her know that
she can count on you and thatyou have her back.
Show emotional support by beingemotionally present and
(10:41):
attentive when she shares herconcerns or fears.
Listen actively, intently andempathically and empathetically
Validate her feelings andexperiences.
Acknowledge her fears andconcerns without dismissing them
.
I often find that couples willdismiss each other when they're
(11:03):
sharing their deepest thoughts,fears or feelings by saying, oh,
that's silly.
Or oh, come on, that'sridiculous.
Or do you recognize how stupidthat sounds?
Instead, acknowledge her bysaying, oh my gosh, I didn't
realize you felt that way.
Can you tell me more and canyou give me some examples?
Or have I made you feel thatway and can you give me some
(11:23):
examples so that I work on thatand don't create that fear for
you?
Fifth, provide physical comfortthrough affectionate touch.
Physical touch like holdinghands, hugs or a gentle touch on
the shoulder will providecomfort and reassurance and also
spending quality time togetherengaging in activities that help
(11:46):
her feel connected and secure.
Number six is a big one.
This one's financial security.
Work together to maintainfinancial stability.
This includes budgeting, saving, planning for spending.
You plan before you spend andthen you come back and share how
the spending went so that youcan compare that to your budget
(12:07):
and saving.
And also you want to plantogether for the future.
Have open discussions aboutfinancial matters and involve
her in decision making to ensureshe feels secure and informed.
I'm also an advocate of havinga dollar amount cap on what you
will spend on your own versuswhat you'll speak together about
(12:28):
and share and decide togetherwhether to spend that amount or
not.
For me and my husband, it's the$500 amount.
That may not be within yourability, but having that cap has
really helped our relationshipto where we talk about things
that we want to purchase thatare above that cap.
(12:48):
Also, a caution here don't goand make an agreement around
$100 cap and then make six $100purchases.
That is defeating the purposeof having an agreement around a
capped amount that you're goingto spend.
Number seven support her goals.
Encourage independence bysupporting her in pursuing her
(13:13):
personal and professional goals.
Encouraging her independencecan contribute to her sense of
security and safety.
Be her advocate.
Stand by her side and advocatefor her needs and well-being,
both within the relationship andexternally.
Number eight address fearstogether.
(13:34):
Having collaborative problemsolving by working together to
address any fears or challengesshe may have, will help you
approach problems as a team andfind solutions together.
Seek professional help ifneeded Consider seeking it such
as counseling, coaching ortherapy, to address any deeper
(13:55):
fears and concerns.
By incorporating thesepractices, you'll create a
strong foundation of trust,security and support that aligns
with her need for safety andsurvival.
Prioritizing her well-being andconsistently showing up as a
dependable partner will help herfeel secure and valued in your
(14:16):
relationship.
For a wife whose primaryrelationship need is freedom and
whose communication style isindependent and open-minded and
really open-ended, here are sometips for husbands to create a
supportive and respectfulrelationship Respect her
(14:37):
independence.
Give her space.
Allow her the freedom to pursueher interests and activities
without feeling confined orrestricted.
Encourage individuality.
Celebrate her uniqueness andsupport her in expressing
herself authentically.
Number two create and cultivateopen communication.
Honest conversations should beencouraged.
(15:01):
Let her know that she can shareher thoughts and feelings
without judgment, retribution orcriticism.
Listen actively and attentivelywhen she speaks.
Show that you value herperspective and opinions and
have open body language.
For example, don't cross yourarms and frown.
You want to have your armsrelaxed and your body posture
(15:24):
relaxed.
Number three support her goalsand dreams.
Empower her by encouraging herto pursue her personal and
professional goals.
Be her cheerleader and supporther ambitions.
Work together to achieve commongoals while respecting each
other's individual aspirationsas well.
You also want to embraceflexibility.
(15:46):
Flexibility is really importantfor people with freedom as
their dominant, primaryrelationship need and
communication style.
You want to adapt to change bybeing open to change and
adaptable in your plans.
Show that you can go with theflow and adjust to new
situations.
Plan spontaneous and excitingactivities as well that allow
(16:09):
her to explore new experiencesand enjoy a sense of freedom.
Number five build trust andmutual respect.
Trust her judgment.
Show that you trust herdecisions and respect her
autonomy.
Show that you trust herdecisions and respect her
autonomy.
Say I respect your judgment, Itrust your judgment, you can do
(16:31):
this.
I'm here to support you andavoid being controlling or
possessive.
Offer support and encouragementwhile respecting her need for
independence.
This shows and builds mutualsupport.
Number six encourageexploration, traveling together
(16:55):
by planning trips and adventuresthat allow her to explore new
places and cultures.
Travel can be a great way tofulfill her need for freedom.
Try new activities.
Be open to trying new hobbiesand activities together.
This will also add excitementand variety to your relationship
.
Number seven balancetogetherness with individuality.
(17:17):
I say quality time a lot.
It's really important in in arelationship.
Spend quality time together,but also make space for
individual pursuits.
Balance togetherness withopportunities for personal
growth and respect herboundaries.
Understand them, acknowledgethem, validate them and them.
Give her the space she needs torecharge and thrive.
(17:41):
Number eight celebrate herachievements.
Acknowledge success bycelebrating her achievements and
successes, whether they're bigor small or even tiny, and show
that you're so respectful andimpressed of her accomplishments
.
Use encouraging and empoweringlanguage to uplift her and
(18:02):
reinforce her sense of freedom.
By embracing these practices,you'll create a relationship
that honors her need for freedomand independence.
A supportive and respectfulpartnership will allow both of
you to thrive individually whilealso growing together.
Of you to thrive individuallywhile also growing to get, while
(18:23):
also next.
For a wife whose dominantprimary relationship need is
power and whose communicationstyle reflects assertiveness and
leadership, here are some tipsfor husbands to foster a
supportive and empoweringrelationship.
Acknowledge and respect herauthority.
Recognize her strengths.
Acknowledge and celebrate herleadership qualities.
Let her know you admire andrespect her capabilities.
(18:45):
Consult with her.
Involve her in decision-makingprocesses, whether it's about
household matters, finances,your career or other important
topics.
Show that you value her wisdom,input and expertise.
Show that you value her wisdom,input and expertise.
Number two support herambitions.
(19:06):
Support her in pursuing herpersonal and professional
ambitions.
Be her biggest cheerleader andhelp her achieve her goals.
Offer practical support, suchas resources, connections and
time to help her succeed in herendeavors.
(19:30):
Number three communicate clearlyand assertively.
You want to use direct andconcise communication.
Be clear, direct and assertivein your communication.
Avoid beating around the bushand get straight to the point.
Otherwise, it will be afrustrating interaction If
disagreements arise, expressyour views respectfully and be
open to constructive discussions.
Show that you value herperspective, even if you don't
(19:51):
agree.
Number four show appreciation.
Celebrate her achievements andsuccesses by recognizing them.
Acknowledge the hard work,dedication, time and qualities
she put into them.
Use words of affirmation to lether know you appreciate her
strength and leadership.
Phrases like I really respectthe way you did this.
(20:14):
These are the qualities that Isaw you exhibit along the way.
You could also say you inspireme because, or you inspire me to
do this because you did thiscan go a long way, or in how you
did this can go a long way.
Number five provide emotionalsupport.
Show empathy and understandingwhen she faces challenges or
(20:36):
setbacks.
Offer a listening ear and ashoulder to lean on.
There's no need to go in andfix it, just listen and ask how
you can support her, validateher feelings and experiences and
acknowledge the pressures andresponsibilities she may be
carrying as a leader.
Number six shareresponsibilities in equal
(20:56):
partnership.
Ensure the responsibilities inthe relationship are shared
equally.
This demonstrates respect andreinforces a balanced
partnership.
Chip in where you see it'sneeded.
If she's working late one dayand you notice the dishes aren't
done, do the dishes instead ofher having to come home and see
(21:17):
them not done, and that willjust frustrate her and both of
you.
So be attentive and noticethings that need to get done and
take the initiative to help out.
Work together as a team totackle tasks and challenges, and
show that you're in thistogether and value her
contributions.
Number seven encourage self-care.
Promote balance.
(21:38):
Encourage her to take time outand time off for self-care and
relaxation.
Remind her that it's importantto recharge and take breaks.
Also, support wellness.
Support her to take andschedule activities that promote
her well-being, whether it'sexercise, mindfulness, hobbies
or spending time with loved onesor just sitting quietly out in
(22:00):
nature.
Number eight you want to buildtrust and transparency by
modeling honesty.
Maintain honesty andtransparency always in your
communication and build trust bybeing reliable and consistent
in your interactions and youractions and words.
(22:21):
Confidentiality is importanttoo.
You want to respect her privacyand confidentiality.
Show that you are a trustedpartner who values her privacy
and confidentiality.
By embracing these practices,you'll create a relationship
that honors her need forempowerment, power and
(22:41):
leadership.
A supportive and empoweringpartnership will allow both of
you to thrive individually whilealso growing stronger together.
Now I'm going to share somecommunication tips and examples
with you that are firmly rootedin the five primary relationship
needs and communication styles.
When your wife's dominantprimary relationship need is
(23:06):
love and belonging and hercommunication style is caring
and compassionate, connectingwith her emotions is key.
Here are some heartfelt ways tocommunicate with empathy when
her feelings are hurt.
Heartfelt ways to communicatewith empathy when her feelings
are hurt.
Number one give her your fullattention.
Put aside distractions andfocus entirely on her.
(23:27):
This shows that her feelingsare important to you.
Here's an example Gently touchher hand and say I can tell
something's bothering you.
I'm here and I want to listenwhen you're ready.
Number two validate herfeelings.
(23:47):
Acknowledge her emotionswithout judgment.
Let her know it's okay to feelthe way she does by saying
something like I understandyou're feeling upset and that's
completely okay.
Your feelings matter and theymatter to me.
Number three express empathyand they matter to me.
Number three express empathy.
Show that you genuinely careabout her experience.
By putting yourself in her shoes, you can say something like I'm
(24:08):
so sorry you're going throughthis.
It must be really tough.
Tell me what's going on withyour thoughts about this.
How are you feeling about it?
Tell me more.
Number four use affirminglanguage.
Reassure her of your love andcommitment.
Words can be powerful in healinghurt feelings.
You could say something likeyou.
(24:31):
Could say something like youmean the world to me and I want
to be there for you in any way Ican.
How can I support you?
Number five ask open-endedquestions.
Encourage her to share more byasking questions that allow her
to express herself more fully.
You could say something likecan you tell me more about
(24:52):
what's making you feel this wayso I better understand it?
And you could also say how canI support you right now?
Number six reflect back whatyou hear.
Paraphrase her words to showthat you're truly understanding
her feelings.
You could say something like itsounds like you felt left out
when I didn't include you in theplans.
Is that right?
(25:14):
Number seven apologize like youmean it, when needed and from
your heart.
If your actions contributed toher hurt.
Offer a genuine apology withoutmaking excuses.
You could say something likeI'm really sorry that my words
hurt you.
It was not my intent to hurtyou.
I didn't mean to and I'll do mybest to be more mindful in the
(25:35):
future.
Can you help me understand whyand how those words hurt you in
the moment, so I can betterunderstand and support you?
Number eight offer physicalcomfort.
Sometimes a loving touch canprovide immense comfort.
You could give her a warm hug.
You could say come here, I'mhere for you, and then hug her.
(25:56):
Number nine avoid beingdefensive.
Focus on her feelings ratherthan defending your actions.
This will keep the conversationopen and supportive.
You could say something like Ireally didn't realize how that
affected you.
Thank you so much for lettingme know.
Number 10, reaffirm yourconnection.
(26:17):
Strengthen your relationshipand connection by reminding her
of your shared love andcommitment.
You could say something likewe're in this together, we will
figure it out, and I value ourrelationship more than anything.
Here are some more tips.
Be patient.
Give her the time she needs toexpress herself fully and don't
(26:39):
rush the conversation.
If she gets emotional and sayI'm going to cry, I apologize or
I'm sorry, I'm emotional, justsay there's no need to apologize
.
You were sharing your emotionsand there's no need to say I'm
sorry.
So please just share, and ifyou need to cry, that's okay too
.
Avoid minimizing her feelings.
(26:59):
Steer clear of phrases likeit's not a big deal or you're
overreacting or that's stupid,which will make her feel
dismissed.
Check in later on.
Follow up with her afterwardsto see how she's feeling.
This will show ongoing care andconcern for her well-being.
Create shared rituals, ritualsand established routines.
(27:23):
Create closeness, things thatshe can count on, like a nightly
walk or a weekly coffee date tonurture that sense of belonging
.
Surprise her withthoughtfulness.
Small gestures like leaving asweet note in her bag or
bringing home her favorite treatoccasionally can make her feel
loved and cherished.
By embracing these approaches,you're not just addressing the
(27:45):
immediate hurt, but alsobuilding a stronger, more
empathic relationship.
But also building a stronger,more empathetic relationship.
Love and belonging thrives whenboth partners feel seen, heard
and valued.
(28:08):
Now I want to guide you inunderstanding the challenges
associated with each dominantprimary relationship need and
communication style to helphusbands communicate more
effectively with their wives.
Here's an example.
Here's an expanded look at eachcommunication style and
dominant primary relationshipneed, the challenges that may
arise and a few scripts to helpyou navigate them.
For love and belonging, thechallenges consist of emotional
(28:31):
sensitivity, where your wife mayfeel deeply hurt by perceived
neglect, lack of affection, lackof attention or just sensitive
to the words or the way you saidit, the tone of voice.
There could also be a fear ofrejection, with a strong desire
for acceptance, and any signs ofdistance or withholding can
(28:56):
cause anxiety.
There could be a need, a deepneed, for emotional connection.
Without deep emotional bonds,she may feel disconnected and
unfulfilled.
Here are some communicationstrategies and scripts for you.
Offer reassurance by sayingsomething like I want you to
know how much you mean to me.
(29:17):
Your presence in my life justmakes everything better.
You will see her light up withthese scripts, to be honest.
The second one is to validateher feelings.
You could say something like Ican see that you're feeling
upset and it's completely okayto feel that way.
Please know, I am totally herefor you.
Number three initiate qualitytime by saying something like
(29:40):
let's spend the evening together, just us.
Maybe we can cook dinner andwatch a movie you like.
Number four express affectionregularly.
You could say something like Ilove you more every day.
Thank you for being the amazingperson that you are and
especially for how you show upfor me every day.
Here's an awareness tip for youBe present.
(30:06):
She values your undividedattention.
Ensure you're fully engagedwhen spending time together, and
consistency matters to her.
Regular expressions of lovehelp her feel secure and
cherished.
For the woman in your life whohas fun as their dominant
primary relationship need andcommunication style.
(30:28):
Here are the challenges.
She could get bored withroutine.
She could get restless with toomuch predictability.
She may also avoid seriousissues and prefer
lightheartedness, which willmake addressing serious topics
difficult.
She also may need spontaneity.
(30:50):
She also may need spontaneity.
Rigidity can feel stifling andwill lead to frustration.
Here are some communicationstrategies and scripts.
Inject playfulness by sayingsomething like I was thinking we
could have a picnic in theliving room tonight Blankets,
snacks, the whole deal.
Number two suggest newadventures by saying something
(31:12):
like there's salsa dancing classthis weekend.
Want to give it a whirl with meand try it out?
Number three keep conversationslight by saying something like
what's the most hilarious thingthat happened to you today?
Number four Hilarious thingthat happened to you today?
Number four approach serioustopics gently and lightly.
You could say something like Ivalue our fun time so much and I
(31:35):
wanted to chat about somethingimportant so that we can ensure
and I wanted to chat aboutsomething important to ensure we
keep enjoying them together.
Here's an awareness tip for youEmbrace flexibility, be open to
changing plans and trying newthings, and balance is key.
Find ways to incorporate fundaily, even when dealing with
(32:00):
your responsibilities.
Make them fun.
If your partner's dominant,primary relationship need is
safety and security, here arethe challenges to be aware of.
Anxiety over uncertainty,changes or unpredictability can
cause significant stress, so tryto be consistent.
(32:21):
She may have trust issues andmay need extra assurance that
you're dependable.
She may be sensitive toconflict.
Disagreements can feelthreatening to the
relationship's stability.
Here are the communicationstrategies.
Provide reassurance by sayingsomething like we're going
through this together and I'mcommitted to making sure we come
(32:41):
out even stronger together.
You want to establish routinesby saying something like how
about we set aside time everyevening to talk about our day?
I think it could help us stayconnected.
Be transparent by sayingsomething like I wanted to share
my thoughts on our upcomingplans so that we can make sure
we're on the same page.
(33:03):
Number four address conflictscalmly by saying something like
I understand this is importantto you.
Let's work through it together.
Here are some awareness tipsfor you.
Consistency builds trust.
Regular actions that match yourwords will strengthen her sense
(33:24):
of security and security in therelationship and with you.
Listen actively, pay closeattention to her concerns
without dismissing them.
If your wife's dominant, primaryrelationship need is freedom,
here are the challenges to beaware of.
She'll have a desire forautonomy.
She may feel confined by toomuch togetherness or control.
(33:47):
She may resist expectations.
Imposing expectations can leadto feelings of suffocation.
She may have a need forpersonal space.
Time alone is essential for herwell-being.
Here are the communicationstrategies for you.
Encourage her independence bysaying something like I love how
(34:08):
passionate you are about yourinterests.
Please let me know how yourpottery class goes and enjoy
your time there.
Is there anything that youwould like me to take care of
while you're gone?
Number two offer supportwithout pressure by saying
something like if you ever wantto plan a solo trip or a weekend
getaway with friends, I'm allfor it.
(34:30):
Number three discuss boundariesopenly by saying something like
I want to make sure I'm givingyou the space you need.
Is there anything you'd like meto know?
Number four share your feelingsrespectfully by saying
something like I enjoy our timetogether and also respect our
(34:51):
individual time.
What are some ways we canbalance both on a daily basis?
Here's your awareness tips.
Avoid clinginess.
Respect her need for autonomywithout taking it personally,
and don't try to control her oranything in her life or anything
that she does.
Trust is essential.
(35:12):
Show that you trust herdecisions, respect them and
support her independence.
If your partner's dominant,primary relationship need is
power, here are the challengesto be aware of.
She may have a desire forcontrol.
She may prefer to lead, whichcan lead to imbalanced power
(35:34):
dynamics in your relationship.
She may be very assertive.
Her direct communication cansometimes be perceived as harsh.
So you really need to work onpracticing and listening from
the space of paying attention toher words so that they don't
feel as abrupt and harsh andunderstand that she's just an
(35:57):
assertive person.
She probably has high standards, expectations for herself, and
others can create pressure onyou and herself.
Here are the communicationstrategies Acknowledge her
strengths by saying somethinglike I really admire your
leadership at work and in yourcharity work.
(36:20):
I can see that you're making areal difference.
Collaborate on decision-makingby saying something like let's
put our heads together on this.
Your insights are alwaysvaluable to me.
Respect her opinions by sayingI see where you're coming from
and I appreciate you sharingyour perspective, and there's no
need to share yours.
(36:41):
Just stop right there so thatshe can soak in your
appreciation.
Number four address conflictsconstructively by saying
something like I think we bothhave some really strong ideas
about this.
What are some ways we can finda solution that works for both
of us?
Here's an awareness tip Avoidpower struggles and instead
(37:04):
focus on partnership rather thancompetition.
Provide support by encouragingher goals and offer help when
asked or when appropriate andask her before diving in to help
.
Here are my final thoughts,understanding your and your
(37:26):
wife's dominant primaryrelationship need and
communication style can truly bea transformative step that is
simple to strengthen yourmarriage.
If you're interested in divingdeeper, I invite you to join my
community, where you'll findresources, support and insights
from others on the same journey.
You can join my community bytaking the Primary Relationship
(37:50):
Needs Quiz to discover yourdominant primary relationship
need and communication style.
This quiz can provide you withvaluable insights right away
into how you can relate to yourpartner differently and offer
guidance on enhancing yourconnection based on your styles.
You will also receive myRelationship Communication
(38:11):
Educational Series as my gift toyou.
By exploring each other'sdominant primary relationship
need and communication styletogether, you can cultivate
greater empathy, acceptance ofeach other's differences,
improve communication and builda more fulfilling, satisfying,
longer-lasting relationship.
(38:31):
I would love to have you withme on this path towards deeper
understanding and lasting love.
You can go and take the quiz atneedsdrdarhawkscom and once
there, you'll receive specialsavings on coaching sessions
with me, access to other quizzesand, of course, my monthly
(38:56):
newsletter with more tips andstrategies and announcements of
when my podcast is going to bereleased.
Thank you so much for beinghere with me.
Please subscribe to my podcaston your favorite platform and
truly I'm grateful for your timeand energy.
Welcome to Episode 54 of the Better Relationships
Podcast.
Hi, I'm Dr Dar, theRelationship Communication Coach
and Healer, and today I'd liketo expand on the five primary
relationship needs as acommunication style.
If you have not done so already, please take the Relationship
(00:21):
Needs Quiz at needsdardhawkscomthat's needsdardhawkscom so that
you can learn what yourdominant primary relationship
need is and receive myRelationship Communication
(00:41):
Educational Series.
Relationship communicationeducational series.
There are five primaryrelationship needs that we each
have in varying degrees ofdominance.
They are love and belonging,freedom, fun, power and safety
and survival.
We all have these five needs inour relationships that are the
(01:04):
underlying thing that drives ourrelationships, our behaviors,
our interactions and ourcommunication.
I'd like to share examples ofhow they show up in interactions
with your partner.
If your partner has a dominantprimary relationship need of
love and belonging, here aresome tips to keep in mind.
(01:27):
Number one express appreciationand affection.
Express appreciation andaffection Regularly.
Tell her how much youappreciate and love her.
Simple words like I love you orI appreciate this specific
thing that you did for me todaycan make a big impact.
(01:48):
Also, leave unexpected littlenotes of appreciation and love
around the house or send sweettext messages acknowledging her
during the day.
These small acts of love andappreciation can go a long way
in creating a healthyrelationship.
Number two be an active,intentional listener.
(02:11):
Give her your undividedattention when she's speaking
and put away distractions likeyour phone or the TV.
Practice empathic responses toshow that you understand her
feelings by saying things likethat sounds really challenging,
or I can see why this is soupsetting.
Thirdly, show emotional support.
(02:35):
Acknowledge and validate heremotions.
Even if you don't fullyunderstand, show that you
respect and appreciate herfeelings.
Provide physical comfort.
More often than not, a hug orjust holding her hand can convey
your support and love withoutthe need for words.
Engage in heartfeltconversations.
(02:58):
Open up first.
Share your feelings andthoughts.
This will help build emotionalintimacy and shows that you
trust her with your deepest,darkest vulnerabilities.
Ask her about her day and shareabout your day.
Show genuine interest in herexperiences and feelings by
(03:19):
asking questions like how wasyour day, what was the most
challenging aspect of it, whatwas the best aspect of your day
and what made you happy today.
Number five have quality timetogether.
Plan date nights regularly,schedule time for just the two
of you to connect and enjoy eachother's company, and carve out
(03:41):
15 to 30 minutes each day justto be with each other.
You could read a book together.
You could sit in the room andplay a game together.
There's so much you can dotogether.
Practice shared activities.
Find activities that you bothenjoy and can do together,
whether it's cooking, hiking orwatching a favorite show and
(04:04):
talking about it.
Number six acts of service.
Help each other with chores.
Take on tasks or chores.
Taking help with chores, takingon tasks or chores can show
that you care and are willing toshare the load, and especially
when you're sharing the load, itallows you both to get done
(04:27):
what needs to get done so thatyou can have quality time
together each evening.
Thoughtful gestures, small actsof kindness, like making her
coffee in the morning or runningan errand for her, can mean a
lot.
Be consistent and reliable.
Keep your promises and be yourword.
Follow through on yourcommitments to build trust and
show that you're depend promisesand be your word.
Follow through on yourcommitments to build trust and
show that you're dependable andbe there for her.
(04:49):
Make an effort to be presentand available, especially during
challenging times.
Now for a wife whose dominantprimary relationship need is fun
and whose communication styleis playful and lighthearted.
(05:11):
Here are some tips to keep thespark alive and foster a joyful
relationship.
Number one embrace playfulness.
Have a sense of humor, sharejokes, funny stories and
(05:32):
lighthearted banter to keep theatmosphere cheerful and
enjoyable.
Teasing Gentle, affectionateteasing can create a fun and
flirty dynamic.
Just be sure to know theboundaries and keep it
respectful.
Number two plan exciting funactivities.
Adventure dates or organizingactivities like hiking, biking
or visiting amusement parks canbring some fun into your daily
(05:55):
or weekly planning weeklyroutine.
Exploring new places togethercan be a thrilling and fun
experience.
Have game nights where you plangame nights with board games,
card games or even video games.
Friendly competition can alsobe a lot of fun.
(06:16):
Spontaneity is helpful too.
Surprise her with spontaneousdates or weekend getaways.
The element of surprise addsexcitement to the relationship.
Also, small, unexpectedgestures like bringing her her
favorite treat or planning animpromptu dance party at home
can be delightful if she's intothat kind of thing.
(06:38):
It's going to require youpaying attention to the things
that she enjoys and that lighther up, and then planning those
and taking the initiative forthem.
Number four having lightheartedcommunication.
Send her fun and flirtymessages throughout the day to
keep the communication lively,and do this consistently.
(06:58):
Don't do it one day and thenjust stop.
It's really healthy to do itperiodically, on a regular basis
.
Compliment her in a playfulmanner like you're not just the
queen of my heart, you're thequeen of fun too.
As an example, number five beopen to new experiences.
Try new hobbies together.
Be open to exploring newhobbies or activities that she
(07:21):
suggests.
This shows that you value herinterests and want to share in
the fun.
Be willing to say yes moreoften to spontaneous plans and
adventures and that impromptudance in the kitchen when she's
playing her favorite song, evenif they're outside your comfort
zone.
Celebrate milestones with fun,like having themed parties where
(07:44):
you're celebrating specialoccasions or events that match
her playful spirit.
Give her creative and playfulgifts that align with her
fun-loving personality.
Maintain a positive attitude.
Focus on joy.
Keep a positive attitude andfocus on the joy and laughter in
your relationship.
(08:05):
Find ways to make her laugh,whether through funny videos,
silly moments or humorousanecdotes.
Also, create fun environmentswhere you have conversations on
serious topics, but in alighthearted way, but in a
(08:27):
lighthearted way.
People who are oriented by funas their dominant relationship
need don't like very serious,tense environments or moods.
You really need to staylighthearted and you can
certainly have difficultconversations while keeping
things light.
If you need help with that,please reach out More than happy
to help you with that.
(08:48):
Next for a wife whose primary.
Next for a wife whose dominantprimary.
Next for a wife whose dominantprimary relationship need is
safety and survival and whosecommunication style reflects
those priorities.
Here are some tips for husbandsto create a secure and
supportive environment.
(09:09):
First one you guessed it iscreating a safe and secure
environment.
Ensure that your home is a safeand secure place.
Install necessary securitymeasures like locks, alarms and
cameras if needed.
Make sure she has a comfortableand peaceful space at home
where she can relax and feelsecure for communication.
(09:32):
Create a safe nurturing spaceand energy and mood where you
can talk about serious topicsand she feels safe to do so.
You also want to be reliable andconsistent.
You want to follow through bykeeping your promises and
commitments.
Reliability builds her trustand sense of security.
You want to also maintain astable, predictable and
(09:55):
consistent routine.
This will help her create asense of stability and safety,
things that she can count on.
Communicate transparently, beopen and honest and transparent
in your communication.
Do not withhold information orbe evasive.
She will pick up on that andthat can also erode trust.
(10:17):
If you're not ready to talk,just say can you give me some
time to think about it and I'llshare.
I'm still processing and sheshould be fine with that as long
as you're communicatingRegularly.
Reassure her of your love andcommitment and let her know that
she can count on you and thatyou have her back.
Show emotional support by beingemotionally present and
(10:41):
attentive when she shares herconcerns or fears.
Listen actively, intently andempathically and empathetically
Validate her feelings andexperiences.
Acknowledge her fears andconcerns without dismissing them
.
I often find that couples willdismiss each other when they're
(11:03):
sharing their deepest thoughts,fears or feelings by saying, oh,
that's silly.
Or oh, come on, that'sridiculous.
Or do you recognize how stupidthat sounds?
Instead, acknowledge her bysaying, oh my gosh, I didn't
realize you felt that way.
Can you tell me more and canyou give me some examples?
Or have I made you feel thatway and can you give me some
(11:23):
examples so that I work on thatand don't create that fear for
you?
Fifth, provide physical comfortthrough affectionate touch.
Physical touch like holdinghands, hugs or a gentle touch on
the shoulder will providecomfort and reassurance and also
spending quality time togetherengaging in activities that help
(11:46):
her feel connected and secure.
Number six is a big one.
This one's financial security.
Work together to maintainfinancial stability.
This includes budgeting, saving, planning for spending.
You plan before you spend andthen you come back and share how
the spending went so that youcan compare that to your budget
(12:07):
and saving.
And also you want to plantogether for the future.
Have open discussions aboutfinancial matters and involve
her in decision making to ensureshe feels secure and informed.
I'm also an advocate of havinga dollar amount cap on what you
will spend on your own versuswhat you'll speak together about
(12:28):
and share and decide togetherwhether to spend that amount or
not.
For me and my husband, it's the$500 amount.
That may not be within yourability, but having that cap has
really helped our relationshipto where we talk about things
that we want to purchase thatare above that cap.
(12:48):
Also, a caution here don't goand make an agreement around
$100 cap and then make six $100purchases.
That is defeating the purposeof having an agreement around a
capped amount that you're goingto spend.
Number seven support her goals.
Encourage independence bysupporting her in pursuing her
(13:13):
personal and professional goals.
Encouraging her independencecan contribute to her sense of
security and safety.
Be her advocate.
Stand by her side and advocatefor her needs and well-being,
both within the relationship andexternally.
Number eight address fearstogether.
(13:34):
Having collaborative problemsolving by working together to
address any fears or challengesshe may have, will help you
approach problems as a team andfind solutions together.
Seek professional help ifneeded Consider seeking it such
as counseling, coaching ortherapy, to address any deeper
(13:55):
fears and concerns.
By incorporating thesepractices, you'll create a
strong foundation of trust,security and support that aligns
with her need for safety andsurvival.
Prioritizing her well-being andconsistently showing up as a
dependable partner will help herfeel secure and valued in your
(14:16):
relationship.
For a wife whose primaryrelationship need is freedom and
whose communication style isindependent and open-minded and
really open-ended, here are sometips for husbands to create a
supportive and respectfulrelationship Respect her
(14:37):
independence.
Give her space.
Allow her the freedom to pursueher interests and activities
without feeling confined orrestricted.
Encourage individuality.
Celebrate her uniqueness andsupport her in expressing
herself authentically.
Number two create and cultivateopen communication.
Honest conversations should beencouraged.
(15:01):
Let her know that she can shareher thoughts and feelings
without judgment, retribution orcriticism.
Listen actively and attentivelywhen she speaks.
Show that you value herperspective and opinions and
have open body language.
For example, don't cross yourarms and frown.
You want to have your armsrelaxed and your body posture
(15:24):
relaxed.
Number three support her goalsand dreams.
Empower her by encouraging herto pursue her personal and
professional goals.
Be her cheerleader and supporther ambitions.
Work together to achieve commongoals while respecting each
other's individual aspirationsas well.
You also want to embraceflexibility.
(15:46):
Flexibility is really importantfor people with freedom as
their dominant, primaryrelationship need and
communication style.
You want to adapt to change bybeing open to change and
adaptable in your plans.
Show that you can go with theflow and adjust to new
situations.
Plan spontaneous and excitingactivities as well that allow
(16:09):
her to explore new experiencesand enjoy a sense of freedom.
Number five build trust andmutual respect.
Trust her judgment.
Show that you trust herdecisions and respect her
autonomy.
Show that you trust herdecisions and respect her
autonomy.
Say I respect your judgment, Itrust your judgment, you can do
(16:31):
this.
I'm here to support you andavoid being controlling or
possessive.
Offer support and encouragementwhile respecting her need for
independence.
This shows and builds mutualsupport.
Number six encourageexploration, traveling together
(16:55):
by planning trips and adventuresthat allow her to explore new
places and cultures.
Travel can be a great way tofulfill her need for freedom.
Try new activities.
Be open to trying new hobbiesand activities together.
This will also add excitementand variety to your relationship
.
Number seven balancetogetherness with individuality.
(17:17):
I say quality time a lot.
It's really important in in arelationship.
Spend quality time together,but also make space for
individual pursuits.
Balance togetherness withopportunities for personal
growth and respect herboundaries.
Understand them, acknowledgethem, validate them and them.
Give her the space she needs torecharge and thrive.
(17:41):
Number eight celebrate herachievements.
Acknowledge success bycelebrating her achievements and
successes, whether they're bigor small or even tiny, and show
that you're so respectful andimpressed of her accomplishments
.
Use encouraging and empoweringlanguage to uplift her and
(18:02):
reinforce her sense of freedom.
By embracing these practices,you'll create a relationship
that honors her need for freedomand independence.
A supportive and respectfulpartnership will allow both of
you to thrive individually whilealso growing together.
Of you to thrive individuallywhile also growing to get, while
(18:23):
also next.
For a wife whose dominantprimary relationship need is
power and whose communicationstyle reflects assertiveness and
leadership, here are some tipsfor husbands to foster a
supportive and empoweringrelationship.
Acknowledge and respect herauthority.
Recognize her strengths.
Acknowledge and celebrate herleadership qualities.
Let her know you admire andrespect her capabilities.
(18:45):
Consult with her.
Involve her in decision-makingprocesses, whether it's about
household matters, finances,your career or other important
topics.
Show that you value her wisdom,input and expertise.
Show that you value her wisdom,input and expertise.
Number two support herambitions.
(19:06):
Support her in pursuing herpersonal and professional
ambitions.
Be her biggest cheerleader andhelp her achieve her goals.
Offer practical support, suchas resources, connections and
time to help her succeed in herendeavors.
(19:30):
Number three communicate clearlyand assertively.
You want to use direct andconcise communication.
Be clear, direct and assertivein your communication.
Avoid beating around the bushand get straight to the point.
Otherwise, it will be afrustrating interaction If
disagreements arise, expressyour views respectfully and be
open to constructive discussions.
Show that you value herperspective, even if you don't
(19:51):
agree.
Number four show appreciation.
Celebrate her achievements andsuccesses by recognizing them.
Acknowledge the hard work,dedication, time and qualities
she put into them.
Use words of affirmation to lether know you appreciate her
strength and leadership.
Phrases like I really respectthe way you did this.
(20:14):
These are the qualities that Isaw you exhibit along the way.
You could also say you inspireme because, or you inspire me to
do this because you did thiscan go a long way, or in how you
did this can go a long way.
Number five provide emotionalsupport.
Show empathy and understandingwhen she faces challenges or
(20:36):
setbacks.
Offer a listening ear and ashoulder to lean on.
There's no need to go in andfix it, just listen and ask how
you can support her, validateher feelings and experiences and
acknowledge the pressures andresponsibilities she may be
carrying as a leader.
Number six shareresponsibilities in equal
(20:56):
partnership.
Ensure the responsibilities inthe relationship are shared
equally.
This demonstrates respect andreinforces a balanced
partnership.
Chip in where you see it'sneeded.
If she's working late one dayand you notice the dishes aren't
done, do the dishes instead ofher having to come home and see
(21:17):
them not done, and that willjust frustrate her and both of
you.
So be attentive and noticethings that need to get done and
take the initiative to help out.
Work together as a team totackle tasks and challenges, and
show that you're in thistogether and value her
contributions.
Number seven encourage self-care.
Promote balance.
(21:38):
Encourage her to take time outand time off for self-care and
relaxation.
Remind her that it's importantto recharge and take breaks.
Also, support wellness.
Support her to take andschedule activities that promote
her well-being, whether it'sexercise, mindfulness, hobbies
or spending time with loved onesor just sitting quietly out in
(22:00):
nature.
Number eight you want to buildtrust and transparency by
modeling honesty.
Maintain honesty andtransparency always in your
communication and build trust bybeing reliable and consistent
in your interactions and youractions and words.
(22:21):
Confidentiality is importanttoo.
You want to respect her privacyand confidentiality.
Show that you are a trustedpartner who values her privacy
and confidentiality.
By embracing these practices,you'll create a relationship
that honors her need forempowerment, power and
(22:41):
leadership.
A supportive and empoweringpartnership will allow both of
you to thrive individually whilealso growing stronger together.
Now I'm going to share somecommunication tips and examples
with you that are firmly rootedin the five primary relationship
needs and communication styles.
When your wife's dominantprimary relationship need is
(23:06):
love and belonging and hercommunication style is caring
and compassionate, connectingwith her emotions is key.
Here are some heartfelt ways tocommunicate with empathy when
her feelings are hurt.
Heartfelt ways to communicatewith empathy when her feelings
are hurt.
Number one give her your fullattention.
Put aside distractions andfocus entirely on her.
(23:27):
This shows that her feelingsare important to you.
Here's an example Gently touchher hand and say I can tell
something's bothering you.
I'm here and I want to listenwhen you're ready.
Number two validate herfeelings.
(23:47):
Acknowledge her emotionswithout judgment.
Let her know it's okay to feelthe way she does by saying
something like I understandyou're feeling upset and that's
completely okay.
Your feelings matter and theymatter to me.
Number three express empathyand they matter to me.
Number three express empathy.
Show that you genuinely careabout her experience.
By putting yourself in her shoes, you can say something like I'm
(24:08):
so sorry you're going throughthis.
It must be really tough.
Tell me what's going on withyour thoughts about this.
How are you feeling about it?
Tell me more.
Number four use affirminglanguage.
Reassure her of your love andcommitment.
Words can be powerful in healinghurt feelings.
You could say something likeyou.
(24:31):
Could say something like youmean the world to me and I want
to be there for you in any way Ican.
How can I support you?
Number five ask open-endedquestions.
Encourage her to share more byasking questions that allow her
to express herself more fully.
You could say something likecan you tell me more about
(24:52):
what's making you feel this wayso I better understand it?
And you could also say how canI support you right now?
Number six reflect back whatyou hear.
Paraphrase her words to showthat you're truly understanding
her feelings.
You could say something like itsounds like you felt left out
when I didn't include you in theplans.
Is that right?
(25:14):
Number seven apologize like youmean it, when needed and from
your heart.
If your actions contributed toher hurt.
Offer a genuine apology withoutmaking excuses.
You could say something likeI'm really sorry that my words
hurt you.
It was not my intent to hurtyou.
I didn't mean to and I'll do mybest to be more mindful in the
(25:35):
future.
Can you help me understand whyand how those words hurt you in
the moment, so I can betterunderstand and support you?
Number eight offer physicalcomfort.
Sometimes a loving touch canprovide immense comfort.
You could give her a warm hug.
You could say come here, I'mhere for you, and then hug her.
(25:56):
Number nine avoid beingdefensive.
Focus on her feelings ratherthan defending your actions.
This will keep the conversationopen and supportive.
You could say something like Ireally didn't realize how that
affected you.
Thank you so much for lettingme know.
Number 10, reaffirm yourconnection.
(26:17):
Strengthen your relationshipand connection by reminding her
of your shared love andcommitment.
You could say something likewe're in this together, we will
figure it out, and I value ourrelationship more than anything.
Here are some more tips.
Be patient.
Give her the time she needs toexpress herself fully and don't
(26:39):
rush the conversation.
If she gets emotional and sayI'm going to cry, I apologize or
I'm sorry, I'm emotional, justsay there's no need to apologize
.
You were sharing your emotionsand there's no need to say I'm
sorry.
So please just share, and ifyou need to cry, that's okay too
.
Avoid minimizing her feelings.
(26:59):
Steer clear of phrases likeit's not a big deal or you're
overreacting or that's stupid,which will make her feel
dismissed.
Check in later on.
Follow up with her afterwardsto see how she's feeling.
This will show ongoing care andconcern for her well-being.
Create shared rituals, ritualsand established routines.
(27:23):
Create closeness, things thatshe can count on, like a nightly
walk or a weekly coffee date tonurture that sense of belonging
.
Surprise her withthoughtfulness.
Small gestures like leaving asweet note in her bag or
bringing home her favorite treatoccasionally can make her feel
loved and cherished.
By embracing these approaches,you're not just addressing the
(27:45):
immediate hurt, but alsobuilding a stronger, more
empathic relationship.
But also building a stronger,more empathetic relationship.
Love and belonging thrives whenboth partners feel seen, heard
and valued.
(28:08):
Now I want to guide you inunderstanding the challenges
associated with each dominantprimary relationship need and
communication style to helphusbands communicate more
effectively with their wives.
Here's an example.
Here's an expanded look at eachcommunication style and
dominant primary relationshipneed, the challenges that may
arise and a few scripts to helpyou navigate them.
For love and belonging, thechallenges consist of emotional
(28:31):
sensitivity, where your wife mayfeel deeply hurt by perceived
neglect, lack of affection, lackof attention or just sensitive
to the words or the way you saidit, the tone of voice.
There could also be a fear ofrejection, with a strong desire
for acceptance, and any signs ofdistance or withholding can
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cause anxiety.
There could be a need, a deepneed, for emotional connection.
Without deep emotional bonds,she may feel disconnected and
unfulfilled.
Here are some communicationstrategies and scripts for you.
Offer reassurance by sayingsomething like I want you to
know how much you mean to me.
(29:17):
Your presence in my life justmakes everything better.
You will see her light up withthese scripts, to be honest.
The second one is to validateher feelings.
You could say something like Ican see that you're feeling
upset and it's completely okayto feel that way.
Please know, I am totally herefor you.
Number three initiate qualitytime by saying something like
(29:40):
let's spend the evening together, just us.
Maybe we can cook dinner andwatch a movie you like.
Number four express affectionregularly.
You could say something like Ilove you more every day.
Thank you for being the amazingperson that you are and
especially for how you show upfor me every day.
Here's an awareness tip for youBe present.
(30:06):
She values your undividedattention.
Ensure you're fully engagedwhen spending time together, and
consistency matters to her.
Regular expressions of lovehelp her feel secure and
cherished.
For the woman in your life whohas fun as their dominant
primary relationship need andcommunication style.
(30:28):
Here are the challenges.
She could get bored withroutine.
She could get restless with toomuch predictability.
She may also avoid seriousissues and prefer
lightheartedness, which willmake addressing serious topics
difficult.
She also may need spontaneity.
(30:50):
She also may need spontaneity.
Rigidity can feel stifling andwill lead to frustration.
Here are some communicationstrategies and scripts.
Inject playfulness by sayingsomething like I was thinking we
could have a picnic in theliving room tonight Blankets,
snacks, the whole deal.
Number two suggest newadventures by saying something
(31:12):
like there's salsa dancing classthis weekend.
Want to give it a whirl with meand try it out?
Number three keep conversationslight by saying something like
what's the most hilarious thingthat happened to you today?
Number four Hilarious thingthat happened to you today?
Number four approach serioustopics gently and lightly.
You could say something like Ivalue our fun time so much and I
(31:35):
wanted to chat about somethingimportant so that we can ensure
and I wanted to chat aboutsomething important to ensure we
keep enjoying them together.
Here's an awareness tip for youEmbrace flexibility, be open to
changing plans and trying newthings, and balance is key.
Find ways to incorporate fundaily, even when dealing with
(32:00):
your responsibilities.
Make them fun.
If your partner's dominant,primary relationship need is
safety and security, here arethe challenges to be aware of.
Anxiety over uncertainty,changes or unpredictability can
cause significant stress, so tryto be consistent.
(32:21):
She may have trust issues andmay need extra assurance that
you're dependable.
She may be sensitive toconflict.
Disagreements can feelthreatening to the
relationship's stability.
Here are the communicationstrategies.
Provide reassurance by sayingsomething like we're going
through this together and I'mcommitted to making sure we come
(32:41):
out even stronger together.
You want to establish routinesby saying something like how
about we set aside time everyevening to talk about our day?
I think it could help us stayconnected.
Be transparent by sayingsomething like I wanted to share
my thoughts on our upcomingplans so that we can make sure
we're on the same page.
(33:03):
Number four address conflictscalmly by saying something like
I understand this is importantto you.
Let's work through it together.
Here are some awareness tipsfor you.
Consistency builds trust.
Regular actions that match yourwords will strengthen her sense
(33:24):
of security and security in therelationship and with you.
Listen actively, pay closeattention to her concerns
without dismissing them.
If your wife's dominant, primaryrelationship need is freedom,
here are the challenges to beaware of.
She'll have a desire forautonomy.
She may feel confined by toomuch togetherness or control.
(33:47):
She may resist expectations.
Imposing expectations can leadto feelings of suffocation.
She may have a need forpersonal space.
Time alone is essential for herwell-being.
Here are the communicationstrategies for you.
Encourage her independence bysaying something like I love how
(34:08):
passionate you are about yourinterests.
Please let me know how yourpottery class goes and enjoy
your time there.
Is there anything that youwould like me to take care of
while you're gone?
Number two offer supportwithout pressure by saying
something like if you ever wantto plan a solo trip or a weekend
getaway with friends, I'm allfor it.
(34:30):
Number three discuss boundariesopenly by saying something like
I want to make sure I'm givingyou the space you need.
Is there anything you'd like meto know?
Number four share your feelingsrespectfully by saying
something like I enjoy our timetogether and also respect our
(34:51):
individual time.
What are some ways we canbalance both on a daily basis?
Here's your awareness tips.
Avoid clinginess.
Respect her need for autonomywithout taking it personally,
and don't try to control her oranything in her life or anything
that she does.
Trust is essential.
(35:12):
Show that you trust herdecisions, respect them and
support her independence.
If your partner's dominant,primary relationship need is
power, here are the challengesto be aware of.
She may have a desire forcontrol.
She may prefer to lead, whichcan lead to imbalanced power
(35:34):
dynamics in your relationship.
She may be very assertive.
Her direct communication cansometimes be perceived as harsh.
So you really need to work onpracticing and listening from
the space of paying attention toher words so that they don't
feel as abrupt and harsh andunderstand that she's just an
(35:57):
assertive person.
She probably has high standards, expectations for herself, and
others can create pressure onyou and herself.
Here are the communicationstrategies Acknowledge her
strengths by saying somethinglike I really admire your
leadership at work and in yourcharity work.
(36:20):
I can see that you're making areal difference.
Collaborate on decision-makingby saying something like let's
put our heads together on this.
Your insights are alwaysvaluable to me.
Respect her opinions by sayingI see where you're coming from
and I appreciate you sharingyour perspective, and there's no
need to share yours.
(36:41):
Just stop right there so thatshe can soak in your
appreciation.
Number four address conflictsconstructively by saying
something like I think we bothhave some really strong ideas
about this.
What are some ways we can finda solution that works for both
of us?
Here's an awareness tip Avoidpower struggles and instead
(37:04):
focus on partnership rather thancompetition.
Provide support by encouragingher goals and offer help when
asked or when appropriate andask her before diving in to help
.
Here are my final thoughts,understanding your and your
(37:26):
wife's dominant primaryrelationship need and
communication style can truly bea transformative step that is
simple to strengthen yourmarriage.
If you're interested in divingdeeper, I invite you to join my
community, where you'll findresources, support and insights
from others on the same journey.
You can join my community bytaking the Primary Relationship
(37:50):
Needs Quiz to discover yourdominant primary relationship
need and communication style.
This quiz can provide you withvaluable insights right away
into how you can relate to yourpartner differently and offer
guidance on enhancing yourconnection based on your styles.
You will also receive myRelationship Communication
(38:11):
Educational Series as my gift toyou.
By exploring each other'sdominant primary relationship
need and communication styletogether, you can cultivate
greater empathy, acceptance ofeach other's differences,
improve communication and builda more fulfilling, satisfying,
longer-lasting relationship.
(38:31):
I would love to have you withme on this path towards deeper
understanding and lasting love.
You can go and take the quiz atneedsdrdarhawkscom and once
there, you'll receive specialsavings on coaching sessions
with me, access to other quizzesand, of course, my monthly
(38:56):
newsletter with more tips andstrategies and announcements of
when my podcast is going to bereleased.
Thank you so much for beinghere with me.
Please subscribe to my podcaston your favorite platform and
truly I'm grateful for your timeand energy.
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