February 24, 2025 • 43 mins
Please share your thoughts, feedback, and questions. I would love to hear from you.
Feeling insecure around your partner's friends can be a challenging yet common experience. In this episode, we navigate the intricate landscape of social anxiety, exploring why insecurities arise and how they can be effectively managed. Each discussion point is aimed at fostering awareness and offering actionable insights into building your confidence.
We kick things off by addressing the emotions tied to meeting new people, especially those who have established relationships with your partner. It's natural to compare yourself, question your worth, or fear judgment. However, these feelings do not reflect reality. By learning to recognize these thoughts, we can introduce healthier dialogues with ourselves and our partners.
Throughout the episode, we offer self-coaching questions designed to facilitate personal reflection, helping listeners dissect their emotions and understand the roots of their insecurities. As we dive deeper, we share practical strategies for fostering authentic relationships, laying out steps to connect with your partner’s friends, and even suggestions for initiating meaningful conversations.
Open communication remains at the core of healthy relationships. Discover how to share your feelings with your partner constructively, creating an environment of mutual understanding and support. We also emphasize the importance of self-esteem and personal growth, offering tips to cultivate your individuality while maintaining a sense of belonging.
This episode is packed with tools to transform your social interactions and overcome feelings of inadequacy. Join us on this journey to nurture a secure and loving connection with your partner and their friends. Listen now and take steps toward enhancing your relationships while valuing your authenticity!
Welcome to the Better Relationships Podcast where Dr. Dar Hawks shares relationship tips and advice to help you be seen, heard, understood, and supported in your relationships. Taking on tough topics and giving you hope, inspiration, and ideas to experiment with, Dr. Dar Hawks is passionate about creating healthier, happier, and harmonious relationships...
Because when you are happy in your relationship, the world becomes a better place for all of us.
Welcome to the Better Relationships Podcast where Dr. Dar Hawks shares relationship tips and advice to help you be seen, heard, understood, and supported in your relationships. Taking on tough topics and giving you hope, inspiration, and ideas to experiment with, Dr. Dar Hawks is passionate about creating healthier, happier, and harmonious relationships...
Because when you are happy in your relationship, the world becomes a better place for all of us.
Take my free Primary Relationship Needs Quiz to discover your dominant, secondary, and shadow Primary Relationship Needs by visiting https://needs.drdarhawks.com. This one thing will help you better understand yourself, your partner, and your relationship, and even improve communication and connection between you and your partner.
Note: The quiz name has changed from Sovereign Relationship Needs to Primary Relationship Needs as of July 2024. Please keep that in mind for podcasts dated before July 2024.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to episode 55 of the Better Relationships
podcast.
I'm Dr Dar Hawks, your host andrelationship communication
coach and healer, and todaylet's talk about feeling
insecure around your partner'sfriends and whether or not it's
normal.
It can be unnerving to meetyour partner's friends for the
(00:24):
first few times.
If you're anything like me,you'll be thinking about it all
day and night, wondering whatyou'll wear, how you'll fix your
hair.
Will it be up?
Will it be down?
Should you get it styledprofessionally?
Will your partner's friendslike you?
Will they accept you?
What if they don't?
How should you act and bearound them?
(00:46):
There's so many questions andthe day to meet them has not
even arrived yet.
It's natural to feel anxiousand insecure when meeting your
partner's friends for the firsttime.
The fear of being judged or notfitting in is real and it can
be overwhelming.
(01:06):
However, it is important toremember that these insecurities
are most likely temporary,especially when you're confident
in who you are.
You're clear and solid in yourvalues, in what you care about,
being happy in your own skin andbeing someone who's inclusive,
(01:26):
conversational and caring.
Focus on being yourself and onbuilding genuine connections
with your partner's friends.
In time, your anxieties willfade as you become more
comfortable around his friendsand, to be honest, get more
comfortable in your relationshipwith your partner.
(01:47):
Remember, your partner and hisfriends have developed
relationships well before youcame into the picture, so
feeling anxious and unsettledaround them makes social
gatherings uncomfortable andthey can be stressful.
The thought of interacting withpeople who have established
(02:08):
relationships with your partnercan make you feel like an
outsider.
These feelings of insecuritycan be overwhelming and make you
question yourself your role,why your partner is with you and
what's your place in yourpartner's social circle, which
can lead to even more self-doubtand emotional tension.
(02:29):
The discomfort you experiencecan be particularly intense in
group settings, where you mightfeel like you're being evaluated
or compared to others, or noone's really including you in
their side conversations orclicks.
Here's the thing, though.
Is it normal to feel insecurewith your partner's friends?
(02:55):
That may not be the idealquestion to ask yourself.
I invite you to start with thisquestion instead.
Is it healthy for me to feelinsecure around my partner's
friends?
Here are some even betterself-coaching questions for you
to contemplate.
Number one do my values alignwith my partner and do they
(03:21):
align with his friends?
Number two how do his friendstreat me?
Are they welcoming andinclusive, or do they remain in
their own cliques?
Do you feel like they'retalking about you whispering
while looking at you?
Number three do I feel securein my relationship with my
(03:45):
partner?
Number four does this insecuritystem from a lack of trust and
confidence in your relationship?
Number five are there anyunderlying issues within your
partnership that might becontributing to these feelings?
Number six does my partnerleave me to fend for myself
(04:08):
frequently and for long periodsof time in group settings?
Number seven how does mypartner's behavior change when
we're around his friends?
Number eight what specifictriggers cause my insecurity in
these social situations?
Number nine have I communicatedmy feelings to my partner and,
(04:32):
if so, how did they respond?
Number ten am I comparingmyself to my partner's friends
and if so, why?
Number 11, what past experienceshave I had that could be, or
might be, influencing my currentfeelings and thoughts?
Number 12, how can I buildmeaningful connections with my
(04:56):
partner's friends independently?
Number 14,.
What boundaries would make?
Number 13,?
Number 13, what boundarieswould make me feel more
comfortable in group settingswhere I don't really know anyone
?
Number 14,.
Does my partner activelyinclude me in conversations and
(05:18):
activities with his friends?
Number 15,.
How can I maintain my authenticself while adapting to new
social situations?
Number 16,.
What personal growthopportunities exist for me, my
(05:39):
partner and our relationship inthese social situations?
Number 17,.
Are my insecurities based onactual events or perceived
threats?
Number 18.
How can I develop moreconfidence in social settings
with my partner's friends?
Number 19.
What support do I need from mypartner to feel more secure?
(06:00):
Number 20.
How can I contribute positivelyto group dynamics while
respecting existing friendships?
Number 21,.
What steps can I take to buildmy own identity within the
social circle?
Number 22,.
Do I have my own friendshipsand social circles or am I
(06:21):
depending on my partner and hiscommunity?
Number 23,.
Are his friends my kind ofpeople?
Number 24,.
Is this really the rightrelationship for me?
Does it bring out the best inme or does it really create more
stress?
Number 25,.
(06:43):
If you're already in a committedrelationship or marriage, how
can you integrate in with eachother's friendship groups in a
healthy way?
There are many questions tocontemplate.
I would love to assist you withdiving into these questions in
a self-honest, supportive,accepting and self-growth
(07:04):
oriented way.
Would you consider booking asession with me at
sessiondrdarhawkscom?
I would love to support you ifyou're feeling insecure in your
relationship or when you'rearound your partner's friends or
family, the right relationshipfeels like the most comfortable
(07:26):
home, where you can unwind fromwho you're not.
You can just be yourself, showup as you are and know that you
are loved, supported, heard,understood and accepted
unconditionally.
And that means accepted andsupported, no matter what.
(07:47):
No matter what, it's importantto have a partner who respects
and values your individualityand encourages you to pursue
your own interests and maintainyour own friendships.
In terms of integrating intoyour partner's social circle,
open communication is key, beingable to be honest, share your
(08:11):
fears and insecurities anddiscuss ways in which your
partner can support you innavigating social situations
that create stress for you.
Consider attending events orgatherings with your partner
where you feel more comfortablegradually exposing yourself to a
larger group.
Look for opportunities toconnect with individuals in the
(08:33):
group on a deeper level whilecultivating your own friendships
with them.
Building relationships takestime and effort.
Be patient with yourself andallow space for growth.
Most importantly, trust thatyou are deserving of love,
acceptance and belonging, bothwithin your relationship and in
(08:56):
social settings.
The right relationship is aplace where you can be your
authentic self without fear ofjudgment or rejection.
Your partner's friends ought tobe accepting and inclusive,
actively involving you inconversations and activities.
It is essential to maintainyour own identity within the
(09:20):
social circles, building yourown friendships and contributing
positively to the group.
However, it's also important toassess whether these
friendships align with yourvalues and interests.
If you find yourself constantlyfeeling insecure or struggling
to fit in, it may be worthexamining whether this
relationship or thesefriendships truly support your
(09:42):
personal growth and that of yourpartners.
Healthy relationships are builton mutual respect, support and
the shared sense of belonging.
In the midst of having vastdifferences between people.
When you are friends, those inand of itself don't mean that
it's an unhealthy relationship,as long as you have the mutual
(10:04):
respect, support and sharedsense of belonging and you can
accept and love each other andcoexist amidst those differences
and perhaps even talk aboutthem from the perspective of
learning about each other, asopposed to converting or
coercing each other to shift toeach other's way of thinking or
(10:26):
coercing each other to shift toeach other's way of thinking.
Also, open and honestcommunication with your partner
is essential.
Feeling comfortable to expressyour feelings and concerns,
while also allowing your partnerthe opportunity to understand
and address your concerns isimportant.
It's worthwhile to rememberthat your partner and you you
(10:48):
both chose each other for areason, and both your friends
and your partner's friendsshould respect and appreciate
that fact and the presence ofeach other in their lives.
Over time, as you build your ownconnections within the group,
your feelings of insecurity aremost likely to diminish.
(11:09):
Despite these initial feelingsof insecurity, it's important to
remember your partner valuesyour presence in their life and
they want you to be a part oftheir social circle.
If you're finding that that'snot the case, then this may not
be the right relationship foryou, or you and your partner
(11:31):
need to have a seriousconversation about how to fix
that gap.
It can also be helpful tocommunicate your concerns with
your partner, because they mightbe able to provide reassurance
and support.
Over time, as you spend moretime with his friends and build
your own relationships withinthe group, you'll find your
feelings of security diminishand disappear.
(11:54):
When you do feel insecurearound your partner's friends,
it really does take all the funout of being in these social
situations.
Here are five tips to help youmanage insecurity and feel more
at ease.
Number one communicate yourfeelings of insecurity with your
(12:15):
partner in a calm andnon-confrontational manner.
They may not even be aware ofhow you're feeling.
They may not be seeing whatyou're seeing and experiencing,
so discussing it can actuallybring you closer together.
Focus on building yourself-esteem.
You are worthy of love andrespect, regardless of what
(12:37):
others think.
Engage in activities that makeyou feel good about yourself,
whether it's pursuing a hobby,spending time with supportive
friends, learning a new skill orjust interacting and being
yourself in new socialsituations.
Number three challenge negativethoughts.
Insecurity often originatesfrom negative self-talk and
(13:01):
making assumptions.
When these thoughts arise,question their validity Are they
based on evidence or just yourfears?
And then work on replacing themwith positive thoughts instead.
After all, you're choosingthese thoughts for yourself.
You might as well make themreally good ones.
Number four get to know yourpartner's friends.
(13:23):
Make an effort to spend timewith them individually or in
smaller groups.
This can help build rapport andalleviate some of the
insecurities you may have aboutbeing accepted by them.
Number five please seekprofessional support if needed.
If your insecurity persistsdespite your best efforts or you
(13:45):
just want to jumpstart andexpedite working through them
very quickly, consider seekingcoaching.
A trained professional coachcan help you explore the root
causes of your insecurity andhelp you develop easy to
implement strategies to overcomethem.
Managing insecurity can taketime and patience.
(14:07):
Be kind to yourself as you workthrough these feelings and
trust that with effort, they canbe overcome.
One more note about seekingprofessional support.
Coaching is not about making youwrong at all.
Coaching is about identifyingwhat's going on that's not
working for you right now.
Going on that's not working foryou right now and what are
(14:31):
things that you can do to shiftto make them work for you.
It's really that simple.
It's about looking at who youare, what you're all about and
where the gaps are with thesituation you're dealing with
and how to bridge the gap.
It is not a situation where thecoach sits there and questions
(14:53):
you about who you are, or judgesyou or takes a deep dive into
your past pains and emotions.
It's truly about meeting youwhere you are right now,
identifying what outcomes youwant to create and helping you
achieve them, and that's thereason why I really love being a
(15:14):
coach and why I love beingcoached.
Oh, I thought of one moreself-coaching question for you
to consider what do his friendsdo that make you feel insecure?
I wanted to throw that in whileI remembered it.
It's important to identify thespecific triggers that
contribute to your insecurity sothat you can address them
(15:37):
clearly, cleanly and effectively.
Maybe his friends make commentsor jokes that you perceive as
belittling, or maybe they seemoverly friendly with your
partner.
Understanding these triggerscan help you communicate your
concerns to your partner andwork towards a solution together
.
Another question is what dothey look like as you compare
(16:00):
yourself to them?
Comparing yourself to yourpartner's friends can be a
slippery slope that will onlyfuel and feed insecurity.
Everyone has their own uniquequalities and strengths, and
it's unfair to measure yourselfagainst them.
Instead, focus on building yourown self-confidence and
nurturing the aspects of yourrelationship that make you feel
(16:23):
secure.
Identify the value and traitsand qualities that you bring to
the relationship and to theirfriends, and stand strong in
that value that you bring andthat worth that you bring.
In addition, open communicationwith your partner about how
you're feeling can also helpcreate a supportive and
(16:44):
understanding environment.
Take a step back and reflect onwhy you feel the need to
compare yourself to yourpartner's friends.
Instead of focusing on what youperceive as flaws or
shortcomings, try to embraceyour own individuality and value
.
Surround yourself with positiveinfluences and participate in
(17:06):
activities that boost yourconfidence.
Ultimately, the key is tocultivate self-assurance and
trust in yourself and yourrelationship, knowing that you
and your partner chose eachother for who you both are.
Another question to consider ishow does your partner treat you
(17:26):
and what is he doing thatcontributes to you feeling
insecure?
If anything, evaluating howyour partner treats you and
identifying behaviors thatcontribute to your insecurity is
essential.
Are they dismissive of yourfeelings or consistently
prioritizing their friends overyou?
These actions could be redflags indicating a lack of
(17:49):
respect or lack of emotionalsupport.
It's important to discuss theseconcerns with your partner and
express the need for reassuranceand understanding and
agreements on differentbehaviors and actions.
A healthy relationship shouldbe built on mutual respect,
(18:10):
trust and prioritizing eachother and each other's emotional
well-being.
Here are some tips to help younavigate these situations.
Let's now talk aboutunderstanding insecurity in
relationships and why they couldbe occurring.
Insecurity in relationshipsoften originates from
(18:32):
deep-seated fears and pastexperiences.
They usually don't have much todo with the present moment.
These fears can show up asfeelings of inadequacy,
especially when one partner hasclose friendships outside the
relationship.
Some key factors that couldinfluence insecurity include
(18:56):
fear of abandonment.
Worries about losing yourpartner's love or attention to
the friends can trigger anxiety.
Attachment styles yourattachment style may shape how
you see social interactions,leading to increased feelings of
jealousy.
Jealousy can play a big role inmaking insecurities worse.
(19:18):
When a partner spends time withfriends, it can bring up
feelings of comparison or fearthat one isn't enough.
This emotional turmoil candisrupt the relationship, making
it crucial to address theunderlying issues directly.
Understanding the roots of yourinsecurities truly is the first
(19:39):
step toward overcoming them andcreating a healthy relationship
and friendships.
Let's now talk about recognizingsigns of insecurity around your
partner's friends.
It really often reveals itselfthrough specific behaviors.
Here are some signs torecognize for addressing any
(20:00):
underlying issues.
Excessive questioning,constantly asking about your
partner's friendships oractivities, can signify
insecurity.
This behavior may stem fromfear of inadequacy or loss of
attention.
Feeling anxious when you'reapart, feeling anxious or uneasy
(20:26):
when your partner spends timewith friends or on his own is a
significant warning sign.
This reaction often points todeeper feelings of jealousy or
fear of abandonment.
Self-reflection is essential.
As you identify and begin torecognize signs of insecurity in
(20:49):
your own life and self andrelationships.
I want you to consider thefollowing.
I want you to identify youremotional triggers.
Reflect on what specificallycauses your feelings of
insecurity.
Is it a specific friend orfriends?
Is it a specific situation orlocation that heighten your
(21:12):
anxiety?
Spend some time really thinkingthrough what happens when,
before you're feeling theanxiety, that's usually the
trigger.
It's challenging to do thatwhen you're already feeling
(21:32):
anxious.
So go and do something fun, tryto distract your mind and then
come back and retrospectivelylook at what transpired right
before you got anxious and thenlook at what was going on.
What were you thinking andfeeling as you were feeling the
(21:53):
anxiety.
The second thing to do is reallyacknowledge your feelings.
Understanding your emotionalresponses will allow you to
address them directly, whichwill also help you have
healthier interactions, bothwith your partner and their
friends.
Also, managing your emotions isimportant as well, and not
(22:14):
reacting or acting out in themoment and instead being quiet,
sitting with your emotions orputting them on the shelf for
you to reflect on at a laterdate or a later time when you're
by yourself.
Recognizing behaviors empowersyou to take proactive steps
(22:35):
toward building a more securerelationship with yourself and
with your partner.
Here are some tips about havingopen communication with your
partner.
Open communication honest,transparent, bearing your soul
type of communication inrelationships is vital for
creating trust and understandingand being understood and
(22:58):
trusted.
It serves as a foundation foraddressing insecurities about
yourself, about your partner andabout their friends.
When feelings of inadequacyarise, discuss them openly,
because that can lead to greaterintimacy and reassurance.
To share about yourinsecurities effectively, I want
(23:21):
you to use I statements.
Focus on your feelings ratherthan placing blame.
For example, say I feel anxiouswhen you spend time with Jenny.
I know the two of you have beenreally close friends.
You've never been boyfriend orgirlfriend, but it still creates
(23:41):
anxiety for me.
That is a much better way ofsaying it.
Instead of you always chooseyour friends over me, the
healthy dialogue approachreduces defensiveness and
encourages constructive dialogue.
Also, if your partner says,well, that's silly, you
(24:01):
shouldn't feel that way, youcould say something like well, I
understand that that's yourperspective.
Shouldn't feel that way.
You could say something likewell, I understand that that's
your perspective, but thereality is, this is how I'm
feeling and I'd like to talkthrough it so that we can
identify what's going on thatmakes me feel that way and maybe
come to some agreement toalleviate my anxiousness and
(24:24):
concerns.
Secondly, be honest about youremotions.
Share the underlying fearsdriving your insecurity.
This honesty will inviteempathy from your partner and
will allow them to respond withunderstanding.
And if you're concerned thatthey won't be able to do that,
then that's a clue to seekprofessional coaching.
(24:45):
Set aside time for thisdiscussion.
You want to schedule timeinstead of just reacting or
doing it in any given moment.
Designate specific moments totalk without distraction.
This will create a safe spacewhere you both can share your
thoughts without interruptionsand where you can focus on each
(25:07):
other attentively.
Fourthly, listen actively.
Encourage your partner to sharetheir perspectives as well and
listen to what they have to say,because that creates an
environment of mutual respectand understanding, which then
builds trust, of mutual respectand understanding, which then
(25:29):
builds trust.
By emphasizing emotionalexpression, you will create a
pathway towards deeperconnection and reassurance in
the face of insecuritysurrounding your partner's
friendships.
If you or your partner have ahard time in sharing how you're
feeling or your emotions, itprobably is because neither of
you know the right words to sayor how to say it without being
(25:50):
charged.
And please know, as a coach, Iam trained to help you with that
.
So contact me and let me be ofservice and help you and your
partner bridge that gap incommunication.
The second tip is forself-reflection and awareness.
Self-reflection really isbeneficial and essential to
(26:17):
address insecurities inrelationships.
Engaging in this practice willhelp you uncover the root causes
of insecurity, allow you togain insight into your emotional
world and in order toself-reflect, here are some
aspects for you to consider Lastexperiences Think about
(26:41):
previous relationships orchildhood experiences that may
have shaped your perception offriendships, love and trust and
safety.
Understanding your pastinfluences can illuminate
patterns that really havenothing to do with your current
relationship but are affectingyour current relationship, which
(27:02):
might mean that there's somehealing that you need to do
about your past, or might meanyou need to create some
strategies on how to mitigatethese past experience triggers
with your partner through subtleshifts in how you're
communicating or strategies ofhow to be with each other in
(27:24):
group settings.
Number two get familiar withdifferent attachment styles.
The four attachment styles aresecure, anxious, avoidant and
fearful.
While there are quizzes thatyou can take to identify your
dominant attachment style, taketo identify your dominant
(27:50):
attachment style.
I believe that every one of usexperiences each of these
attachment styles, depending onthe relationship, depending on
the situation, depending onwhat's going on in our lives in
that moment and that interaction, and that there might be one
that we're just really dominantwith.
But to be honest with you, Ihave seen that we as human
(28:12):
beings can experience all fourattachment styles, depending on
the situation.
So that's why it's important toget familiar with the four of
them Secure, anxious, avoidantand fearful.
Feel free to go and search onyour favorite browser and search
engine what they mean and thenthink about how each one shows
(28:36):
up for you in differentrelationships.
I really believe that you willcome up with examples and be
able to understand how theseattachment styles show up in
your life and in yourinteractions with others.
Doing that retrospectively willhelp you better manage them as
(28:56):
you move forward in newrelationships.
But prioritizingself-reflection, you empower
yourself to confront your owninsecurities in a constructive
way.
Also, recognizing andunderstanding and addressing
your underlying issues willcultivate your own personal
(29:19):
growth, your own increase inself-esteem and self-worth, and
that will strengthen yourrelationship with your partner.
Lastly, tip number threebuilding trust together.
Trust is built moment by momentthrough your actions and your
words with your partner.
(29:40):
Establishing trust in yourrelationship is essential for
overcoming insecurities,especially related to your
partner's friendships and anyinsecurities your partner may
have with friendships that youhave.
When partners create clearboundaries regarding their
friendships, it can create anenvironment of safety and
(30:03):
respect.
Here are some key points toconsider as you work on building
trust together, some of whichI've already talked about.
They're repeated becausethey're that important Open
dialogue, engage in discussionsabout what boundaries are needed
for you both.
(30:25):
Understanding each other'scomfort levels can help in
navigating social situations,but helping each other
understand those boundaries,instead of demanding them or
creating ultimatums, isimportant.
You might have to negotiate theboundaries that you think you
might need because your partnermay not be okay with it, so
you've got to find some commonground, and that's an area that
(30:52):
I can help you both fairlyquickly with as well.
You also want to set friendshipboundaries.
Discuss specific situationsthat may cause discomfort, for
example, if your boyfriend makesyou feel insecure about certain
friends.
Identify those relationships,provide examples of what you saw
happen, how you felt, andopenly address your feelings.
Number three mutual respect.
Explore what makes both of youfeel secure around each other's
(31:15):
friends.
In fact, I suggest you startwith that first, because
recognizing and acknowledgingwhat works first will help you
look at what doesn't work in amore constructive way.
Recognizing the importance ofrespecting each other's
friendships while ensuringemotional safety will actually
strengthen the bond in yourrelationship.
(31:38):
Number four trust-buildingexercises for couples.
Start engaging in activitiesthat will build trust.
These can range from sharingfeelings about past experiences
to engaging in fun exercisesthat promote teamwork and
understanding.
By working togetherintentionally on trust building,
(31:59):
couples not only alleviateinsecurities, but also deepen
emotional connection.
This collaborative effortcreates a supportive atmosphere
where both partners feel valuedand understood in social
interactions.
Number five developing effectivecoping strategies.
(32:22):
And actually this is aboutself-coping.
Managing feelings of jealousyand anxiety when your partner
spends time with friends can bechallenging, so implement
practical coping strategies foryourself so that you experience
relief and can enhance your ownemotional well-being.
Experience relief and canenhance your own emotional
(32:44):
well-being.
You probably already know aboutthese and I can't emphasize
them enough because they'rereally easy to do if you just
remember to do them.
Deep breathing exercisesEngaging in slow, intentional,
deep breathing will help calmyour mind during moments of
insecurity and anxiety.
Inhale deeply through your nose, hold for a few seconds and
(33:09):
exhale slowly through your mouth.
Repeat this several times toalleviate immediate anxiety.
You can also do this if youfeel insecurity or anxiety about
to take hold, and why thathappens is because it's based on
memory stored in your body oryour head of being reminded of
(33:32):
something from your past thattriggers the insecurity or the
anxiety, and breathing throughit is a coping strategy and a
self-healing strategy as well.
Another one is positiveaffirmations.
Practicing positive self-talkcan shift negative thought
(33:53):
patterns, create affirmationsthat reinforce your self-worth,
such as I am more than enough,my relationship is secure or I
am uber confident in who I amand I am valuable.
Repeat these phrases throughoutthe day to build your
(34:13):
confidence.
Cognitive behavioral therapytechniques also offer effective
tools for reframing negativethoughts associated with
insecurities.
Consider these approaches.
First, you want to identify thenegative thoughts, recognize
when these thoughts arise, notethem down to understand the
(34:36):
patterns.
You want to do this over ashort period of time, maybe
seven to ten days.
And then I want you tochallenge these thoughts, ask
yourself if there is evidencesupporting these feelings.
Write down the evidence, and Iwant you to write them down in
two different ways One, thefacts of what actually happened
(34:58):
and two, the story that you toldabout it, because more often
than not, it's our story andperception that's driving the
insecurities.
Often, confronting irrationalbeliefs can diminish their power
and then replace them withpositive alternatives.
Substitute the negativeperceived thoughts with
(35:19):
realistic, positive ones.
This practice will encourage ahealthier perspective on
yourself, your relationships andfriendships.
Implementing these self-copingmechanisms will create
resilience against jealousy inrelationships while nurturing a
sense of security withinyourself.
(35:41):
I also want you to focus onpersonal growth and self-esteem
building.
Nurturing your individualself-esteem is important to
develop confidence in yourrelationships and in yourself.
Prioritize your personal growth.
Cultivate your own sense ofself-worth that positively
influences how you feel aroundyour partner and his friends.
(36:03):
Here are some effective ways toenhance self-esteem Pursue your
own hobbies and friendships.
Spend time on your own and doingthings with your own friends,
separate from your partner.
Anticipate in activities thatexcite you, because that can
boost your confidence.
Whether it's painting, dancing,learning a musical instrument,
(36:26):
hobbies provide a sense ofaccomplishment and joy.
You want to have your ownindividual interests.
Set personal goals.
Establish and achieving smallgoals can reinforce your skills,
capabilities and confidence.
Focus on areas like wellness,fitness, education, skill
(36:47):
development or anything elsethat resonates with you.
I also invite you toparticipate in creative
endeavors, because thatoftentimes will bring some
balance between your right andleft brain and help with anxiety
and insecurities.
Participate in new socialexperiences.
(37:09):
Attend workshops, join clubs orvolunteer, or do something with
your friends that youordinarily would say no to, just
to experience it.
These experiences will not onlyintroduce you to new people,
but also strengthen your socialskills and your ability to adapt
to any situation, and this oneI cannot emphasize enough.
(37:34):
Practice self-care.
Prioritize activities thatnurture your physical and mental
well-being and your solo alonetime.
Oftentimes, my clients willprioritize time with their
partners and go all in withwhatever their partner needs or
(37:54):
whatever their partner is doing,and will sacrifice their own
quality time, which createsproblems later on in the
relationship.
So I really invite you to spendtime on your own doing things
that you enjoy as well, inbalance with the time that you
spend with your partner.
(38:15):
Also, it goes without sayingregular movement and exercise,
healthy eating and mindfulnesspractices will contribute to
enhanced self-esteem as well.
By focusing on your personalgrowth and participating in
self-esteem building activities,you will empower yourself to
navigate your feelings ofinsecurity more effectively.
(38:38):
In fact, I wouldn't besurprised if you yourself look
at those insecurities and wonderwhat was I thinking?
That's ridiculous or silly.
I understand why I was feelingthat, but I'm not feeling that
anymore.
This is what personal growthand self-esteem building can do
for you, and this shift not onlybenefits your relationship, but
(39:00):
enriches your overall lifeexperience at home and with your
work and career.
Overcoming insecurity inrelationships does require
proactive, ongoing steps andcommitment.
I invite you to implement thetips that I've shared with you,
(39:21):
because they can significantlytransform how you feel around
your partner's friends and buildyour self-worth.
In summary, consider thefollowing actions Communicate
openly with your partner.
Make specific requests in howthey can support youage in
self-reflection to understandthe roots and the foundations of
(39:44):
your insecurities.
Work together to build trustand establish healthy boundaries
.
Develop effective copingstrategies to manage jealousy
and insecurity.
Focus on your personal growthand self-esteem.
Taking these steps will createhealthier interactions and will
enhance your relationship withyour partner, and not only your
(40:07):
friends, but his friends as well.
Feeling insecure in yourrelationship can be challenging,
and understanding your needs iscrucial for building a
healthier dynamic.
I invite you to take theRelationship Needs Quiz to
identify your dominant primaryrelationship need at
needsdrdarhawkscom.
(40:28):
This quiz can help identifyareas where you may need support
.
You feel insecure in yourrelationship in yourself, with
your partners, friends or family.
I can help guide you towardenhancing your relationship in
yourself, with your partners,friends or family.
I can help guide you towardenhancing your relationship
(40:49):
security.
So please don't letinsecurities ruin your
relationship.
Take action today by startingwith the needs quiz at
needsdrdarhawkscom.
Or, if you want to go ahead andbook a half hour session with
me now, you can do that atsessiondrdarhawkscom, and I look
forward to connecting with youthere or in the next podcast.
Welcome to episode 55 of the Better Relationships
podcast.
I'm Dr Dar Hawks, your host andrelationship communication
coach and healer, and todaylet's talk about feeling
insecure around your partner'sfriends and whether or not it's
normal.
It can be unnerving to meetyour partner's friends for the
(00:24):
first few times.
If you're anything like me,you'll be thinking about it all
day and night, wondering whatyou'll wear, how you'll fix your
hair.
Will it be up?
Will it be down?
Should you get it styledprofessionally?
Will your partner's friendslike you?
Will they accept you?
What if they don't?
How should you act and bearound them?
(00:46):
There's so many questions andthe day to meet them has not
even arrived yet.
It's natural to feel anxiousand insecure when meeting your
partner's friends for the firsttime.
The fear of being judged or notfitting in is real and it can
be overwhelming.
(01:06):
However, it is important toremember that these insecurities
are most likely temporary,especially when you're confident
in who you are.
You're clear and solid in yourvalues, in what you care about,
being happy in your own skin andbeing someone who's inclusive,
(01:26):
conversational and caring.
Focus on being yourself and onbuilding genuine connections
with your partner's friends.
In time, your anxieties willfade as you become more
comfortable around his friendsand, to be honest, get more
comfortable in your relationshipwith your partner.
(01:47):
Remember, your partner and hisfriends have developed
relationships well before youcame into the picture, so
feeling anxious and unsettledaround them makes social
gatherings uncomfortable andthey can be stressful.
The thought of interacting withpeople who have established
(02:08):
relationships with your partnercan make you feel like an
outsider.
These feelings of insecuritycan be overwhelming and make you
question yourself your role,why your partner is with you and
what's your place in yourpartner's social circle, which
can lead to even more self-doubtand emotional tension.
(02:29):
The discomfort you experiencecan be particularly intense in
group settings, where you mightfeel like you're being evaluated
or compared to others, or noone's really including you in
their side conversations orclicks.
Here's the thing, though.
Is it normal to feel insecurewith your partner's friends?
(02:55):
That may not be the idealquestion to ask yourself.
I invite you to start with thisquestion instead.
Is it healthy for me to feelinsecure around my partner's
friends?
Here are some even betterself-coaching questions for you
to contemplate.
Number one do my values alignwith my partner and do they
(03:21):
align with his friends?
Number two how do his friendstreat me?
Are they welcoming andinclusive, or do they remain in
their own cliques?
Do you feel like they'retalking about you whispering
while looking at you?
Number three do I feel securein my relationship with my
(03:45):
partner?
Number four does this insecuritystem from a lack of trust and
confidence in your relationship?
Number five are there anyunderlying issues within your
partnership that might becontributing to these feelings?
Number six does my partnerleave me to fend for myself
(04:08):
frequently and for long periodsof time in group settings?
Number seven how does mypartner's behavior change when
we're around his friends?
Number eight what specifictriggers cause my insecurity in
these social situations?
Number nine have I communicatedmy feelings to my partner and,
(04:32):
if so, how did they respond?
Number ten am I comparingmyself to my partner's friends
and if so, why?
Number 11, what past experienceshave I had that could be, or
might be, influencing my currentfeelings and thoughts?
Number 12, how can I buildmeaningful connections with my
(04:56):
partner's friends independently?
Number 14,.
What boundaries would make?
Number 13,?
Number 13, what boundarieswould make me feel more
comfortable in group settingswhere I don't really know anyone
?
Number 14,.
Does my partner activelyinclude me in conversations and
(05:18):
activities with his friends?
Number 15,.
How can I maintain my authenticself while adapting to new
social situations?
Number 16,.
What personal growthopportunities exist for me, my
(05:39):
partner and our relationship inthese social situations?
Number 17,.
Are my insecurities based onactual events or perceived
threats?
Number 18.
How can I develop moreconfidence in social settings
with my partner's friends?
Number 19.
What support do I need from mypartner to feel more secure?
(06:00):
Number 20.
How can I contribute positivelyto group dynamics while
respecting existing friendships?
Number 21,.
What steps can I take to buildmy own identity within the
social circle?
Number 22,.
Do I have my own friendshipsand social circles or am I
(06:21):
depending on my partner and hiscommunity?
Number 23,.
Are his friends my kind ofpeople?
Number 24,.
Is this really the rightrelationship for me?
Does it bring out the best inme or does it really create more
stress?
Number 25,.
(06:43):
If you're already in a committedrelationship or marriage, how
can you integrate in with eachother's friendship groups in a
healthy way?
There are many questions tocontemplate.
I would love to assist you withdiving into these questions in
a self-honest, supportive,accepting and self-growth
(07:04):
oriented way.
Would you consider booking asession with me at
sessiondrdarhawkscom?
I would love to support you ifyou're feeling insecure in your
relationship or when you'rearound your partner's friends or
family, the right relationshipfeels like the most comfortable
(07:26):
home, where you can unwind fromwho you're not.
You can just be yourself, showup as you are and know that you
are loved, supported, heard,understood and accepted
unconditionally.
And that means accepted andsupported, no matter what.
(07:47):
No matter what, it's importantto have a partner who respects
and values your individualityand encourages you to pursue
your own interests and maintainyour own friendships.
In terms of integrating intoyour partner's social circle,
open communication is key, beingable to be honest, share your
(08:11):
fears and insecurities anddiscuss ways in which your
partner can support you innavigating social situations
that create stress for you.
Consider attending events orgatherings with your partner
where you feel more comfortablegradually exposing yourself to a
larger group.
Look for opportunities toconnect with individuals in the
(08:33):
group on a deeper level whilecultivating your own friendships
with them.
Building relationships takestime and effort.
Be patient with yourself andallow space for growth.
Most importantly, trust thatyou are deserving of love,
acceptance and belonging, bothwithin your relationship and in
(08:56):
social settings.
The right relationship is aplace where you can be your
authentic self without fear ofjudgment or rejection.
Your partner's friends ought tobe accepting and inclusive,
actively involving you inconversations and activities.
It is essential to maintainyour own identity within the
(09:20):
social circles, building yourown friendships and contributing
positively to the group.
However, it's also important toassess whether these
friendships align with yourvalues and interests.
If you find yourself constantlyfeeling insecure or struggling
to fit in, it may be worthexamining whether this
relationship or thesefriendships truly support your
(09:42):
personal growth and that of yourpartners.
Healthy relationships are builton mutual respect, support and
the shared sense of belonging.
In the midst of having vastdifferences between people.
When you are friends, those inand of itself don't mean that
it's an unhealthy relationship,as long as you have the mutual
(10:04):
respect, support and sharedsense of belonging and you can
accept and love each other andcoexist amidst those differences
and perhaps even talk aboutthem from the perspective of
learning about each other, asopposed to converting or
coercing each other to shift toeach other's way of thinking or
(10:26):
coercing each other to shift toeach other's way of thinking.
Also, open and honestcommunication with your partner
is essential.
Feeling comfortable to expressyour feelings and concerns,
while also allowing your partnerthe opportunity to understand
and address your concerns isimportant.
It's worthwhile to rememberthat your partner and you you
(10:48):
both chose each other for areason, and both your friends
and your partner's friendsshould respect and appreciate
that fact and the presence ofeach other in their lives.
Over time, as you build your ownconnections within the group,
your feelings of insecurity aremost likely to diminish.
(11:09):
Despite these initial feelingsof insecurity, it's important to
remember your partner valuesyour presence in their life and
they want you to be a part oftheir social circle.
If you're finding that that'snot the case, then this may not
be the right relationship foryou, or you and your partner
(11:31):
need to have a seriousconversation about how to fix
that gap.
It can also be helpful tocommunicate your concerns with
your partner, because they mightbe able to provide reassurance
and support.
Over time, as you spend moretime with his friends and build
your own relationships withinthe group, you'll find your
feelings of security diminishand disappear.
(11:54):
When you do feel insecurearound your partner's friends,
it really does take all the funout of being in these social
situations.
Here are five tips to help youmanage insecurity and feel more
at ease.
Number one communicate yourfeelings of insecurity with your
(12:15):
partner in a calm andnon-confrontational manner.
They may not even be aware ofhow you're feeling.
They may not be seeing whatyou're seeing and experiencing,
so discussing it can actuallybring you closer together.
Focus on building yourself-esteem.
You are worthy of love andrespect, regardless of what
(12:37):
others think.
Engage in activities that makeyou feel good about yourself,
whether it's pursuing a hobby,spending time with supportive
friends, learning a new skill orjust interacting and being
yourself in new socialsituations.
Number three challenge negativethoughts.
Insecurity often originatesfrom negative self-talk and
(13:01):
making assumptions.
When these thoughts arise,question their validity Are they
based on evidence or just yourfears?
And then work on replacing themwith positive thoughts instead.
After all, you're choosingthese thoughts for yourself.
You might as well make themreally good ones.
Number four get to know yourpartner's friends.
(13:23):
Make an effort to spend timewith them individually or in
smaller groups.
This can help build rapport andalleviate some of the
insecurities you may have aboutbeing accepted by them.
Number five please seekprofessional support if needed.
If your insecurity persistsdespite your best efforts or you
(13:45):
just want to jumpstart andexpedite working through them
very quickly, consider seekingcoaching.
A trained professional coachcan help you explore the root
causes of your insecurity andhelp you develop easy to
implement strategies to overcomethem.
Managing insecurity can taketime and patience.
(14:07):
Be kind to yourself as you workthrough these feelings and
trust that with effort, they canbe overcome.
One more note about seekingprofessional support.
Coaching is not about making youwrong at all.
Coaching is about identifyingwhat's going on that's not
working for you right now.
Going on that's not working foryou right now and what are
(14:31):
things that you can do to shiftto make them work for you.
It's really that simple.
It's about looking at who youare, what you're all about and
where the gaps are with thesituation you're dealing with
and how to bridge the gap.
It is not a situation where thecoach sits there and questions
(14:53):
you about who you are, or judgesyou or takes a deep dive into
your past pains and emotions.
It's truly about meeting youwhere you are right now,
identifying what outcomes youwant to create and helping you
achieve them, and that's thereason why I really love being a
(15:14):
coach and why I love beingcoached.
Oh, I thought of one moreself-coaching question for you
to consider what do his friendsdo that make you feel insecure?
I wanted to throw that in whileI remembered it.
It's important to identify thespecific triggers that
contribute to your insecurity sothat you can address them
(15:37):
clearly, cleanly and effectively.
Maybe his friends make commentsor jokes that you perceive as
belittling, or maybe they seemoverly friendly with your
partner.
Understanding these triggerscan help you communicate your
concerns to your partner andwork towards a solution together
.
Another question is what dothey look like as you compare
(16:00):
yourself to them?
Comparing yourself to yourpartner's friends can be a
slippery slope that will onlyfuel and feed insecurity.
Everyone has their own uniquequalities and strengths, and
it's unfair to measure yourselfagainst them.
Instead, focus on building yourown self-confidence and
nurturing the aspects of yourrelationship that make you feel
(16:23):
secure.
Identify the value and traitsand qualities that you bring to
the relationship and to theirfriends, and stand strong in
that value that you bring andthat worth that you bring.
In addition, open communicationwith your partner about how
you're feeling can also helpcreate a supportive and
(16:44):
understanding environment.
Take a step back and reflect onwhy you feel the need to
compare yourself to yourpartner's friends.
Instead of focusing on what youperceive as flaws or
shortcomings, try to embraceyour own individuality and value
.
Surround yourself with positiveinfluences and participate in
(17:06):
activities that boost yourconfidence.
Ultimately, the key is tocultivate self-assurance and
trust in yourself and yourrelationship, knowing that you
and your partner chose eachother for who you both are.
Another question to consider ishow does your partner treat you
(17:26):
and what is he doing thatcontributes to you feeling
insecure?
If anything, evaluating howyour partner treats you and
identifying behaviors thatcontribute to your insecurity is
essential.
Are they dismissive of yourfeelings or consistently
prioritizing their friends overyou?
These actions could be redflags indicating a lack of
(17:49):
respect or lack of emotionalsupport.
It's important to discuss theseconcerns with your partner and
express the need for reassuranceand understanding and
agreements on differentbehaviors and actions.
A healthy relationship shouldbe built on mutual respect,
(18:10):
trust and prioritizing eachother and each other's emotional
well-being.
Here are some tips to help younavigate these situations.
Let's now talk aboutunderstanding insecurity in
relationships and why they couldbe occurring.
Insecurity in relationshipsoften originates from
(18:32):
deep-seated fears and pastexperiences.
They usually don't have much todo with the present moment.
These fears can show up asfeelings of inadequacy,
especially when one partner hasclose friendships outside the
relationship.
Some key factors that couldinfluence insecurity include
(18:56):
fear of abandonment.
Worries about losing yourpartner's love or attention to
the friends can trigger anxiety.
Attachment styles yourattachment style may shape how
you see social interactions,leading to increased feelings of
jealousy.
Jealousy can play a big role inmaking insecurities worse.
(19:18):
When a partner spends time withfriends, it can bring up
feelings of comparison or fearthat one isn't enough.
This emotional turmoil candisrupt the relationship, making
it crucial to address theunderlying issues directly.
Understanding the roots of yourinsecurities truly is the first
(19:39):
step toward overcoming them andcreating a healthy relationship
and friendships.
Let's now talk about recognizingsigns of insecurity around your
partner's friends.
It really often reveals itselfthrough specific behaviors.
Here are some signs torecognize for addressing any
(20:00):
underlying issues.
Excessive questioning,constantly asking about your
partner's friendships oractivities, can signify
insecurity.
This behavior may stem fromfear of inadequacy or loss of
attention.
Feeling anxious when you'reapart, feeling anxious or uneasy
(20:26):
when your partner spends timewith friends or on his own is a
significant warning sign.
This reaction often points todeeper feelings of jealousy or
fear of abandonment.
Self-reflection is essential.
As you identify and begin torecognize signs of insecurity in
(20:49):
your own life and self andrelationships.
I want you to consider thefollowing.
I want you to identify youremotional triggers.
Reflect on what specificallycauses your feelings of
insecurity.
Is it a specific friend orfriends?
Is it a specific situation orlocation that heighten your
(21:12):
anxiety?
Spend some time really thinkingthrough what happens when,
before you're feeling theanxiety, that's usually the
trigger.
It's challenging to do thatwhen you're already feeling
(21:32):
anxious.
So go and do something fun, tryto distract your mind and then
come back and retrospectivelylook at what transpired right
before you got anxious and thenlook at what was going on.
What were you thinking andfeeling as you were feeling the
(21:53):
anxiety.
The second thing to do is reallyacknowledge your feelings.
Understanding your emotionalresponses will allow you to
address them directly, whichwill also help you have
healthier interactions, bothwith your partner and their
friends.
Also, managing your emotions isimportant as well, and not
(22:14):
reacting or acting out in themoment and instead being quiet,
sitting with your emotions orputting them on the shelf for
you to reflect on at a laterdate or a later time when you're
by yourself.
Recognizing behaviors empowersyou to take proactive steps
(22:35):
toward building a more securerelationship with yourself and
with your partner.
Here are some tips about havingopen communication with your
partner.
Open communication honest,transparent, bearing your soul
type of communication inrelationships is vital for
creating trust and understandingand being understood and
(22:58):
trusted.
It serves as a foundation foraddressing insecurities about
yourself, about your partner andabout their friends.
When feelings of inadequacyarise, discuss them openly,
because that can lead to greaterintimacy and reassurance.
To share about yourinsecurities effectively, I want
(23:21):
you to use I statements.
Focus on your feelings ratherthan placing blame.
For example, say I feel anxiouswhen you spend time with Jenny.
I know the two of you have beenreally close friends.
You've never been boyfriend orgirlfriend, but it still creates
(23:41):
anxiety for me.
That is a much better way ofsaying it.
Instead of you always chooseyour friends over me, the
healthy dialogue approachreduces defensiveness and
encourages constructive dialogue.
Also, if your partner says,well, that's silly, you
(24:01):
shouldn't feel that way, youcould say something like well, I
understand that that's yourperspective.
Shouldn't feel that way.
You could say something likewell, I understand that that's
your perspective, but thereality is, this is how I'm
feeling and I'd like to talkthrough it so that we can
identify what's going on thatmakes me feel that way and maybe
come to some agreement toalleviate my anxiousness and
(24:24):
concerns.
Secondly, be honest about youremotions.
Share the underlying fearsdriving your insecurity.
This honesty will inviteempathy from your partner and
will allow them to respond withunderstanding.
And if you're concerned thatthey won't be able to do that,
then that's a clue to seekprofessional coaching.
(24:45):
Set aside time for thisdiscussion.
You want to schedule timeinstead of just reacting or
doing it in any given moment.
Designate specific moments totalk without distraction.
This will create a safe spacewhere you both can share your
thoughts without interruptionsand where you can focus on each
(25:07):
other attentively.
Fourthly, listen actively.
Encourage your partner to sharetheir perspectives as well and
listen to what they have to say,because that creates an
environment of mutual respectand understanding, which then
builds trust, of mutual respectand understanding, which then
(25:29):
builds trust.
By emphasizing emotionalexpression, you will create a
pathway towards deeperconnection and reassurance in
the face of insecuritysurrounding your partner's
friendships.
If you or your partner have ahard time in sharing how you're
feeling or your emotions, itprobably is because neither of
you know the right words to sayor how to say it without being
(25:50):
charged.
And please know, as a coach, Iam trained to help you with that
.
So contact me and let me be ofservice and help you and your
partner bridge that gap incommunication.
The second tip is forself-reflection and awareness.
Self-reflection really isbeneficial and essential to
(26:17):
address insecurities inrelationships.
Engaging in this practice willhelp you uncover the root causes
of insecurity, allow you togain insight into your emotional
world and in order toself-reflect, here are some
aspects for you to consider Lastexperiences Think about
(26:41):
previous relationships orchildhood experiences that may
have shaped your perception offriendships, love and trust and
safety.
Understanding your pastinfluences can illuminate
patterns that really havenothing to do with your current
relationship but are affectingyour current relationship, which
(27:02):
might mean that there's somehealing that you need to do
about your past, or might meanyou need to create some
strategies on how to mitigatethese past experience triggers
with your partner through subtleshifts in how you're
communicating or strategies ofhow to be with each other in
(27:24):
group settings.
Number two get familiar withdifferent attachment styles.
The four attachment styles aresecure, anxious, avoidant and
fearful.
While there are quizzes thatyou can take to identify your
dominant attachment style, taketo identify your dominant
(27:50):
attachment style.
I believe that every one of usexperiences each of these
attachment styles, depending onthe relationship, depending on
the situation, depending onwhat's going on in our lives in
that moment and that interaction, and that there might be one
that we're just really dominantwith.
But to be honest with you, Ihave seen that we as human
(28:12):
beings can experience all fourattachment styles, depending on
the situation.
So that's why it's important toget familiar with the four of
them Secure, anxious, avoidantand fearful.
Feel free to go and search onyour favorite browser and search
engine what they mean and thenthink about how each one shows
(28:36):
up for you in differentrelationships.
I really believe that you willcome up with examples and be
able to understand how theseattachment styles show up in
your life and in yourinteractions with others.
Doing that retrospectively willhelp you better manage them as
(28:56):
you move forward in newrelationships.
But prioritizingself-reflection, you empower
yourself to confront your owninsecurities in a constructive
way.
Also, recognizing andunderstanding and addressing
your underlying issues willcultivate your own personal
(29:19):
growth, your own increase inself-esteem and self-worth, and
that will strengthen yourrelationship with your partner.
Lastly, tip number threebuilding trust together.
Trust is built moment by momentthrough your actions and your
words with your partner.
(29:40):
Establishing trust in yourrelationship is essential for
overcoming insecurities,especially related to your
partner's friendships and anyinsecurities your partner may
have with friendships that youhave.
When partners create clearboundaries regarding their
friendships, it can create anenvironment of safety and
(30:03):
respect.
Here are some key points toconsider as you work on building
trust together, some of whichI've already talked about.
They're repeated becausethey're that important Open
dialogue, engage in discussionsabout what boundaries are needed
for you both.
(30:25):
Understanding each other'scomfort levels can help in
navigating social situations,but helping each other
understand those boundaries,instead of demanding them or
creating ultimatums, isimportant.
You might have to negotiate theboundaries that you think you
might need because your partnermay not be okay with it, so
you've got to find some commonground, and that's an area that
(30:52):
I can help you both fairlyquickly with as well.
You also want to set friendshipboundaries.
Discuss specific situationsthat may cause discomfort, for
example, if your boyfriend makesyou feel insecure about certain
friends.
Identify those relationships,provide examples of what you saw
happen, how you felt, andopenly address your feelings.
Number three mutual respect.
Explore what makes both of youfeel secure around each other's
(31:15):
friends.
In fact, I suggest you startwith that first, because
recognizing and acknowledgingwhat works first will help you
look at what doesn't work in amore constructive way.
Recognizing the importance ofrespecting each other's
friendships while ensuringemotional safety will actually
strengthen the bond in yourrelationship.
(31:38):
Number four trust-buildingexercises for couples.
Start engaging in activitiesthat will build trust.
These can range from sharingfeelings about past experiences
to engaging in fun exercisesthat promote teamwork and
understanding.
By working togetherintentionally on trust building,
(31:59):
couples not only alleviateinsecurities, but also deepen
emotional connection.
This collaborative effortcreates a supportive atmosphere
where both partners feel valuedand understood in social
interactions.
Number five developing effectivecoping strategies.
(32:22):
And actually this is aboutself-coping.
Managing feelings of jealousyand anxiety when your partner
spends time with friends can bechallenging, so implement
practical coping strategies foryourself so that you experience
relief and can enhance your ownemotional well-being.
Experience relief and canenhance your own emotional
(32:44):
well-being.
You probably already know aboutthese and I can't emphasize
them enough because they'rereally easy to do if you just
remember to do them.
Deep breathing exercisesEngaging in slow, intentional,
deep breathing will help calmyour mind during moments of
insecurity and anxiety.
Inhale deeply through your nose, hold for a few seconds and
(33:09):
exhale slowly through your mouth.
Repeat this several times toalleviate immediate anxiety.
You can also do this if youfeel insecurity or anxiety about
to take hold, and why thathappens is because it's based on
memory stored in your body oryour head of being reminded of
(33:32):
something from your past thattriggers the insecurity or the
anxiety, and breathing throughit is a coping strategy and a
self-healing strategy as well.
Another one is positiveaffirmations.
Practicing positive self-talkcan shift negative thought
(33:53):
patterns, create affirmationsthat reinforce your self-worth,
such as I am more than enough,my relationship is secure or I
am uber confident in who I amand I am valuable.
Repeat these phrases throughoutthe day to build your
(34:13):
confidence.
Cognitive behavioral therapytechniques also offer effective
tools for reframing negativethoughts associated with
insecurities.
Consider these approaches.
First, you want to identify thenegative thoughts, recognize
when these thoughts arise, notethem down to understand the
(34:36):
patterns.
You want to do this over ashort period of time, maybe
seven to ten days.
And then I want you tochallenge these thoughts, ask
yourself if there is evidencesupporting these feelings.
Write down the evidence, and Iwant you to write them down in
two different ways One, thefacts of what actually happened
(34:58):
and two, the story that you toldabout it, because more often
than not, it's our story andperception that's driving the
insecurities.
Often, confronting irrationalbeliefs can diminish their power
and then replace them withpositive alternatives.
Substitute the negativeperceived thoughts with
(35:19):
realistic, positive ones.
This practice will encourage ahealthier perspective on
yourself, your relationships andfriendships.
Implementing these self-copingmechanisms will create
resilience against jealousy inrelationships while nurturing a
sense of security withinyourself.
(35:41):
I also want you to focus onpersonal growth and self-esteem
building.
Nurturing your individualself-esteem is important to
develop confidence in yourrelationships and in yourself.
Prioritize your personal growth.
Cultivate your own sense ofself-worth that positively
influences how you feel aroundyour partner and his friends.
(36:03):
Here are some effective ways toenhance self-esteem Pursue your
own hobbies and friendships.
Spend time on your own and doingthings with your own friends,
separate from your partner.
Anticipate in activities thatexcite you, because that can
boost your confidence.
Whether it's painting, dancing,learning a musical instrument,
(36:26):
hobbies provide a sense ofaccomplishment and joy.
You want to have your ownindividual interests.
Set personal goals.
Establish and achieving smallgoals can reinforce your skills,
capabilities and confidence.
Focus on areas like wellness,fitness, education, skill
(36:47):
development or anything elsethat resonates with you.
I also invite you toparticipate in creative
endeavors, because thatoftentimes will bring some
balance between your right andleft brain and help with anxiety
and insecurities.
Participate in new socialexperiences.
(37:09):
Attend workshops, join clubs orvolunteer, or do something with
your friends that youordinarily would say no to, just
to experience it.
These experiences will not onlyintroduce you to new people,
but also strengthen your socialskills and your ability to adapt
to any situation, and this oneI cannot emphasize enough.
(37:34):
Practice self-care.
Prioritize activities thatnurture your physical and mental
well-being and your solo alonetime.
Oftentimes, my clients willprioritize time with their
partners and go all in withwhatever their partner needs or
(37:54):
whatever their partner is doing,and will sacrifice their own
quality time, which createsproblems later on in the
relationship.
So I really invite you to spendtime on your own doing things
that you enjoy as well, inbalance with the time that you
spend with your partner.
(38:15):
Also, it goes without sayingregular movement and exercise,
healthy eating and mindfulnesspractices will contribute to
enhanced self-esteem as well.
By focusing on your personalgrowth and participating in
self-esteem building activities,you will empower yourself to
navigate your feelings ofinsecurity more effectively.
(38:38):
In fact, I wouldn't besurprised if you yourself look
at those insecurities and wonderwhat was I thinking?
That's ridiculous or silly.
I understand why I was feelingthat, but I'm not feeling that
anymore.
This is what personal growthand self-esteem building can do
for you, and this shift not onlybenefits your relationship, but
(39:00):
enriches your overall lifeexperience at home and with your
work and career.
Overcoming insecurity inrelationships does require
proactive, ongoing steps andcommitment.
I invite you to implement thetips that I've shared with you,
(39:21):
because they can significantlytransform how you feel around
your partner's friends and buildyour self-worth.
In summary, consider thefollowing actions Communicate
openly with your partner.
Make specific requests in howthey can support youage in
self-reflection to understandthe roots and the foundations of
(39:44):
your insecurities.
Work together to build trustand establish healthy boundaries
.
Develop effective copingstrategies to manage jealousy
and insecurity.
Focus on your personal growthand self-esteem.
Taking these steps will createhealthier interactions and will
enhance your relationship withyour partner, and not only your
(40:07):
friends, but his friends as well.
Feeling insecure in yourrelationship can be challenging,
and understanding your needs iscrucial for building a
healthier dynamic.
I invite you to take theRelationship Needs Quiz to
identify your dominant primaryrelationship need at
needsdrdarhawkscom.
(40:28):
This quiz can help identifyareas where you may need support
.
You feel insecure in yourrelationship in yourself, with
your partners, friends or family.
I can help guide you towardenhancing your relationship in
yourself, with your partners,friends or family.
I can help guide you towardenhancing your relationship
(40:49):
security.
So please don't letinsecurities ruin your
relationship.
Take action today by startingwith the needs quiz at
needsdrdarhawkscom.
Or, if you want to go ahead andbook a half hour session with
me now, you can do that atsessiondrdarhawkscom, and I look
forward to connecting with youthere or in the next podcast.
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