April 8, 2025 • 35 mins
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That crushing sensation when your partner hurts your feelings can leave you frozen between two equally destructive options: swallowing your pain until it poisons you from within, or unleashing an emotional tsunami that damages everything in its path. But what if there's a third way?
Dr. Dar reveals a diplomatic approach to addressing hurt feelings that creates healing rather than more wounds. At the heart of relationship miscommunication is a critical distinction most couples miss – the difference between facts and stories. When your partner looks at their phone during your conversation, the fact is they broke eye contact for 30 seconds. Your story might be "I don't matter to them." Learning to separate these elements transforms how you handle emotional pain.
Through practical self-reflection questions and real-world examples, you'll discover how current hurts often connect to unresolved past experiences. This podcast provides a step-by-step framework for processing feelings, identifying which of your five fundamental relationship needs isn't being met, and crafting clear requests that prevent future hurt. The most surprising insight? These transformative conversations can happen in under a minute once you master the structure.
Whether you're currently nursing hurt feelings or want to prepare for inevitable future misunderstandings, this episode offers a relationship-saving approach that honors your emotions while creating deeper connection. Ready to turn relationship pain into an opportunity for growth? Take the relationship needs quiz at needsdrdarhawks.com and discover which of the five fundamental needs drives your emotional responses.
Welcome to the Better Relationships Podcast where Dr. Dar Hawks shares relationship tips and advice to help you be seen, heard, understood, and supported in your relationships. Taking on tough topics and giving you hope, inspiration, and ideas to experiment with, Dr. Dar Hawks is passionate about creating healthier, happier, and harmonious relationships...
Because when you are happy in your relationship, the world becomes a better place for all of us.
Welcome to the Better Relationships Podcast where Dr. Dar Hawks shares relationship tips and advice to help you be seen, heard, understood, and supported in your relationships. Taking on tough topics and giving you hope, inspiration, and ideas to experiment with, Dr. Dar Hawks is passionate about creating healthier, happier, and harmonious relationships...
Because when you are happy in your relationship, the world becomes a better place for all of us.
Take my free Primary Relationship Needs Quiz to discover your dominant, secondary, and shadow Primary Relationship Needs by visiting https://needs.drdarhawks.com. This one thing will help you better understand yourself, your partner, and your relationship, and even improve communication and connection between you and your partner.
Note: The quiz name has changed from Sovereign Relationship Needs to Primary Relationship Needs as of July 2024. Please keep that in mind for podcasts dated before July 2024.
Book a coaching session: https://huddle.drdarhawks.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to Episode 57 of the Better Relationships
Podcast.
I'm Dr Dar, your host andrelationship communication coach
and healer.
Today I'm talking about thosetimes when you're feeling hurt
by your partner, and I'm goingto cover things to do instead of
bottling it up or letting itall out in one explosion.
(00:24):
Do instead of bottling it up orletting it all out in one
explosion.
Feeling hurt by your partner isdevastating and heart-wrenching
.
Instead of bottling up thesehurt feelings, I invite you to
address them in a diplomatic way, because that is essential for
your healing and creatingcommunication and for creating
(00:47):
better communication andconnection in your relationships
.
It's important to acknowledgeyour emotional pain and find
ways to heal and let go of pasthurts.
Otherwise, those past hurtswill create turmoil in the
present as soon as a memory isactivated to ignite it.
(01:11):
By doing so, you can learn howto get past hurt feelings and
strengthen your relationship.
Let's explore the root of hurtfeelings, along with practical
strategies to navigate youremotional pain effectively and
(01:32):
with ease.
First, I'd like to talk aboutwhat hurt feelings are.
To begin with, they're anatural response to perceived
emotional pain ignited by theactions or words of your partner
or someone you care about.
They can stem from varioussources, such as.
(01:54):
I now want to emphasize theword perceived that I just
stated in the meaning of whathurt feelings are.
They are a natural response toperceived emotional pain ignited
by the actions or words ofothers.
That word perceived isimportant for you to understand.
(02:18):
It implies that hurt feelingsare subjective and can vary from
person to person.
What might hurt one person,what might hurt one person, may
not have the same hurtful impacton another.
This is because each person hastheir own unique background,
(02:42):
their own experiences, their ownmemories and upbringing that
influences their feelings.
While two people can havesimilar feelings, how they
arrived at those feelings isunique.
It may also explain why yourpartner does not understand why
your feelings are hurt, becauseyour partner may not relate to
(03:06):
the situation the same way youdo.
However, this does not diminishtheir impact on your emotional
well-being.
Recognizing and validating yourown feelings is the first step
towards addressing themconstructively is the first step
(03:27):
towards addressing themconstructively.
Understanding and acceptingthis can help you recognize that
your partner may not haveintended to hurt you.
Take a time out to process yourfeelings so that you can get
centered, calm, understandwhat's occurring underneath the
hurt feelings and determine yournext steps, as well as whether
they are helpful or not Toprocess your feelings.
(03:49):
Here are some self-coachingquestions for you to contemplate
and answer.
Number one identify whichfundamental relationship need is
not being met right now in thissituation where your feelings
were hurt and with the personwho hurt them.
(04:09):
Take the five relationshipneeds quiz at needsdrdarhawkscom
to identify your dominant need.
Number two what event from yourpast reminds you of this
situation?
What is still unresolved fromthat experience?
(04:31):
How were you hurt in thatsituation?
Who was it with?
What did they say or do?
How did you react?
Did you follow up with theconversation about how you were
hurt with them and what did theydo?
Number three how is this currentsituation and the individual
(04:53):
involved the same as theexperience and person from your
past?
Number four can you let this goor is it something you think
has to be addressed?
If it has to be addressed, isit with the current situation in
person or the past situationand person, or both?
(05:14):
Number five what do you want tosay to this person?
Why?
What difference will it make toyou?
What difference will it make tothem?
Is it really necessary, is itkind and will it heal you?
Number six if you do have thisconversation and it goes well,
(05:38):
will you keep your hurt feelingsin the past, meaning you won't
bring it up again?
Past meaning you won't bring itup again and also meaning that
your hurt feelings have beenhealed.
Number seven what outcome do youwant to have happen as a result
of this conversation?
(05:58):
Number eight what specificrequests or asks do you have for
this person and situation?
Number nine what is it you wantto hear them say?
What will you do if they don'tsay what you want them to say?
Number 10, what will you doshould this situation occur
again in the future, either withthe current situation in person
(06:21):
or some other one situation inperson or some other one?
Number 11, can you calmlyexpress what transpired in the
interaction factually, withoutraising your voice or crying?
Number 12, are you able toreframe what you want to say
using I statements?
(06:42):
Number 13, what have youlearned about yourself during
this introspection andself-reflection?
These are an example of some ofthe questions that I may ask
when I'm working with clientswho want to heal a past
relationship or situation or whoare getting affected in their
(07:05):
current relationship.
I want you to know that I'mhere to support you, and if
you're having trouble answeringthese questions, I invite you to
book a session with me andwe'll get them answered fairly
quickly, and there may be otherquestions that come up that are
more tailored for you and yoursituation.
You can book a session atsessiondrdarhawkscom and I look
(07:32):
forward to meeting you soon.
Now I'd like to share arelationship mindset shift.
I would like you to considerthis Every human being learns
through experience.
If you have not experiencedsomething, if a human being has
(07:54):
not experienced something, thenthey're not going to know what
that experience looks like,feels like, tastes like, smells
like, etc.
Like.
Feels like, tastes like, smellslike, etc.
Now consider that feelings aretied to that experience.
Therefore, it can be possiblethat feelings have a direct
(08:14):
connection to something thathappened to you in the past.
For example, if you've neverhad a chocolate chip cookie, how
would you know about chocolatechip cookies if you'd never seen
them, tried them, tasted them,heard about them and experienced
them?
You wouldn't know.
So you wouldn't know or have afeeling associated with what it
(08:38):
feels like to eat a chocolatechip cookie, assuming that you
like them today.
Back to the feelings having adirect connection to something
that happened to you like themtoday.
Back to the feelings having adirect connection to something
that happened to you in the past.
It's important to recognize thatthis current situation may very
well have been triggered frommay very well have been
(09:00):
triggered from unresolvedemotions from your past.
By addressing these feelings,you can not only bring healing
to yourself, but also create anopportunity for growth and
understanding in your currentrelationship.
When things show up in thepresent moment as hurt feelings,
(09:22):
it is a gift.
It is a gift to you andpotentially a message from your
body letting you know thatthere's some unhealed,
unresolved things going on withyou.
So it's really important thatyou invest some time when you
get upset or your feelings gethurt today, when you get upset
(09:44):
or your feelings get hurt today,spend some time really digging
into the questions that I sharedwith you, because they're an
opportunity for you to heal thepast and also not bring that
past into your currentrelationship.
Think about it this way If youhave not had any experience like
(10:04):
this one before, how would youknow your feelings have been
hurt?
To take that a bit further, howwould you even know they are
hurt feelings?
In a fraction of a second, youmade a choice to believe that
there is hurt caused by yourpartner in what they said, did
(10:25):
or did not do or say, and thenyour mind starts looking for
more evidence that your feelingsare hurt.
I think that the mind is alwayslooking for evidence of
something so that it can bevalidated, so that it can be
assessed and affirmed validatedso that it can be assessed and
(10:49):
affirmed.
Once the choice is made tobelieve in the hurt feelings,
it's hard not to see anythingother than what is validating
the hurt feelings.
It can make for a veryuntenable situation for your
partner and, consequently, you.
Your mind, hyper, focuses onwhat hurt you and then views
daily life through the lens orfilter of I'm hurt.
(11:11):
When this happens, yourinteractions with your partner
for a certain period of time canbe lived from the filter of I'm
hurt, can be lived from thefilter of I'm hurt, so your
partner can feel as though thereis nothing they do or say that
is going to be good enough foryou, because your mind is
looking for validation of thehurt feelings.
(11:33):
Anything your partner says howthey said it, what tone they use
, what they say, what their faceor body posture is doing just
exacerbates your hurt feelings,because your mind is looking for
validation of the hurt feelings, proof that they're valid.
That's why, when you start theconversation should you choose
(11:56):
to have it it's important to askyour partner to say something
like how you feel is importantto me Thank you for letting me
know that I hurt your feelings.
Let's process what happenedtogether so that we can prevent
this from happening again.
You could also say somethinglike that to yourself before you
(12:20):
start your self-reflectionexercise.
It will take both of youtalking through it to arrive at
a mutual understanding.
How you both perceived thesituation versus the facts of
the situation are threedifferent things, the three
(12:43):
things being the facts, yourperspective, and your partner or
the other person's perspective.
So it would behoove both of youto identify the facts and talk
through the three differentperspectives.
Now I want to share someexamples of the facts versus the
(13:05):
story or subjective perspective.
Let's start with the facts.
The facts are what happened,without each other's perspective
or interpretation.
I'm going to run throughseveral examples now, or
interpretation.
I'm going to run throughseveral examples now.
(13:26):
Your husband comes home latewithout calling and you feel
neglected.
Here are the facts.
Fact number one the husbandarrived.
Fact number one your husbandarrived at 8 pm instead of the
usual 6 pm.
The fact is no phone call wasmade and the fact is that dinner
was cold.
(13:46):
Here's another example.
Here's another example.
A wife makes plans withoutconsulting her husband.
Here are the facts the wifescheduled dinner with friends on
Saturday.
The calendar was not checkedbeforehand and her husband had
already planned an anniversarysurprise.
(14:07):
A husband looks at their phoneduring a conversation they're
having with you.
Here are the facts the phonebuzzed during the discussion.
The husband checked the messagemid-sentence and eye contact
was broken for 30 seconds.
(14:28):
A wife criticizes her husband'sparenting in front of their
children.
Here are the facts.
The wife said that's not howyou should handle this.
Another fact is children werepresent in the room and her
husband was addressing thechild's homework issue.
The husband forgets animportant date.
(14:50):
Here are the facts the wife'sbirthday was not acknowledged,
no card or gift was purchasedand the husband went to work as
usual.
A wife spends money without anydiscussion.
Fact $500.
Here are the facts A $500purchase was made, the joint
(15:14):
account was used and no priorconversation occurred about the
expense.
I hope these examples will giveyou enough to relate to so that
going forward if you get angry,upset or your feelings are hurt,
or even if you're happy or sadabout a situation or an
(15:37):
interaction, that you can sitdown and write down the facts.
Whenever there's an emotionalupheaval of any sort, whether
it's positive or not, it'sreally a great idea to map out
and write out the facts of thesituation.
It will really give your mindthe validation it's looking for,
(16:02):
instead of the validation basedon the story which we're going
to talk about next.
The second and third piecesconsist of your perspective and
your partner's perspective.
This is the subjective storyabout what happened.
These could be how either ofyou this consists of how either
(16:26):
you or your partner, or both,sees and feels and thinks about
the situation.
Said in a different way, youhave your story about what
happened and your partner hastheirs.
This is the interpretation part.
This is the meaning making part, where we add meaning to a
situation.
(16:46):
I hope you can see thedifference between the actual
fact something that both you andyour partner can align on and
agree on as the truth versus thestory, which is the perspective
you each have and how you thinkand feel about it.
This is the subjective part,which will require you both to
(17:11):
state the facts, agree thatthose are the facts and only
then start sharing about whatyou think and feel about those
facts.
Here's some context andexamples for you.
Here are some contextualexamples for you to relate to.
(17:33):
That doesn't work either.
Here are some examples for youto consider.
When you didn't call to sayyou'd be late, I felt abandoned
and worried about your safety.
I actually sat there watchingour dinner get cold and felt
like my effort wasn't valued.
When you looked at your phonewhile I was sharing my feelings
(17:57):
about work, I felt dismissed andunimportant, like whatever was
on your phone mattered more thanmy words, or me for that matter
.
When you forgot my birthday,completely going about your day
as usual without even a card ora happy birthday, I felt deeply
hurt and insignificant, like Iwasn't even worth remembering.
(18:21):
When you challenged myparenting in front of the
children during the homeworkdiscussion, I felt humiliated
and undermined.
It truly made me question myworth as a parent.
When you surprised me withplans on Saturday, even though
you didn't know I had arranged aspecial anniversary celebration
(18:42):
, I felt devastated andunappreciated.
All my planning and effort tomake our day special felt wasted
.
When you made dinner plans withfriends without checking with
me first.
I felt excluded and taken forgranted, like my time and
(19:07):
schedule really don't matter toyou.
When you were late coming homeand didn't call, I felt anxious
and powerless.
I kept imagining the worstscenarios and felt helpless, not
knowing where you were.
When you criticized my workdecisions in front of our
friends at dinner, I feltdisrespected and embarrassed.
(19:29):
It made me question whether youtruly support my career choices
.
When you spent our savings on anew TV without discussing it
with me first, I felt betrayedand unvalued, like my financial
input doesn't matter in ourpartnership.
When you interrupted me while Iwas telling you about my
(19:51):
difficult day at work, I feltdismissed and unimportant, as if
my experiences were not worthyour attention.
When you told your mother aboutour private argument, I felt my
trust was violated.
It made me feel like I can't bevulnerable and open-hearted
with you without it becomingfamily gossip.
(20:12):
When you made major decisionsabout our child's education
without including me in theprocess, I felt sidelined and
irrelevant as a father.
When you compared me to yourfriend's husband during our
disagreement, I felt inadequateand hurt, like I wasn't
measuring up to yourexpectations.
(20:34):
When you dismissed my concernsabout our financial planning as
overthinking.
I felt belittled and unheard,like my worries weren't valid or
important to you.
I hope those examples bring youadditional insights into how to
frame the conversation.
If you'll notice, the sentencesare really short, they're
(20:57):
really clear and they'respecific.
They also mention the exactscenario or situation for
context.
Now let's talk about bridgingthe gaps.
How do we align ourselves withthe facts?
Arguments and hurt feelingsoccur due to not separating the
(21:20):
facts from the subjectiveinterpretation and then not
asking for or understanding howeach person subjectively views
the situation, and then one orthe other person pushes the
other to see it their waybecause the mind is looking for
(21:42):
validation and agreement.
When couples start looking atthe facts, they're and reorient
around the facts and then sharehow they feel about the facts,
it can shift from arguing tofocusing on what each of you
needs instead.
So where do you go from here?
(22:04):
Here are the next steps.
What are you both committing todo or say going forward, should
this situation occur again?
Because hurt feelings arestored memories and they pop up
at the most inconvenient times,don't they?
So here are some examples ofasks you can make of each other,
(22:28):
followed by agreement andfollow through, that are related
to the examples that I'vealready shared with you.
Could we agree to check in witheach other before making social
plans that might affect our timetogether?
Would you be willing to setaside phone?
Would you be willing?
Would you be willing to setaside phone-free time during our
(22:53):
dates?
Would you be willing to setaside phone-free time during our
dates?
Can we create a system where weboth participate in decisions
about our child's education?
Can we agree to avoidcomparisons with other couples
during our disagreements?
(23:16):
When I share concerns about ourfinances, could you listen first
before offering solutions?
Would you be open to having aweekly check-in where we discuss
important decisions together?
Can we agree to pauseconversations when they become
heated and resume when we'reboth calm?
Could we establish a rule aboutnot interrupting each other
(23:36):
during important conversations?
Would you be willing toacknowledge my feelings first,
even if you see thingsdifferently?
Can we promise to discuss majordecisions together before
taking action?
Could we create a signal forwhen one of us feels unheard or
(24:00):
dismissed?
Would you be open to settingboundaries around work-related
interruptions during family time?
Can we agree to validate eachother's feelings, then identify
the facts and align on the factsbefore trying to solve problems
.
(24:20):
Could we establish dedicatedquality time where we give each
other our full attention, someinsights and you've come away
recognizing that when we sharehow we're feeling about a
situation, after we've processedour hurt feelings and
identified the facts, howquickly you can have the
(24:43):
conversation.
It is literally talking aboutthe facts and listing them,
asking if your partner sees thefacts the same way and getting
agreement, and then sharing asentence about the situation and
how you felt about it and howit hurt you, and then making a
(25:05):
request.
You literally can do this inone minute or less.
The normal way, or the waycouples and individuals usually
handle hurt feelings, is theyeither bottle them up and don't
say anything until they becomeso big inside them that they
just explode the next timesomething happens or triggers it
(25:29):
, or they just avoid italtogether, or they will just
try to address it in the momentas they're processing the
feelings.
Let's now talk about the needsthat I mentioned.
When working on bridging thegaps between the subjective
(25:50):
perspectives each of you haveand the facts of the situation,
your relationship needs matter.
There are five fundamentalrelationship needs that modern
humans have and that areintricately and complexly tied
to feelings, and those fivefundamental relationship needs
(26:10):
are love and belonging, freedom,fun, power, and safety and
survival.
I'd like to share some examplesfor each of the five
relationship needs when yourfeelings are hurt.
Depending on which of the fiverelationship needs is your
dominant one, hurt feelings canlook like these examples.
(26:34):
Before I share the examples,though, to learn which of the
five is your dominant need, takethe quiz at needsdrdarhawkscom
that'sneedsd-r-d-a-r-h-a-w-k-scom.
If love and belonging is yourdominant relationship need, hurt
(26:56):
feelings can look like feelingexcluded when your partner makes
plans without you not receivingaffection or intimacy when
needed or desired, being ignoredor given the silent treatment
or feeling disconnected duringimportant moments.
Or feeling disconnected duringimportant moments If freedom is
(27:17):
your dominant relationship need.
Hurt feelings can look likehaving your choices criticized
or controlled, being restrictedfrom pursuing personal interests
, feeling trapped in rigidrelationship expectations and
having your independencequestioned.
If fun is your dominantrelationship need, hurt feelings
(27:45):
can look like your partnerconsistently refusing to
participate in activities youenjoy, feeling dismissed when
sharing excitement aboutsomething being mocked for your
interests or hobbies, havingyour playful moments rejected.
If safety and survival is yourdominant relationship need, hurt
feelings could look likefeeling emotionally unsafe to
(28:09):
share openly and expressyourself, having your basic
needs dismissed or minimized,experiencing anxiety about
relationship stability or beingmade to feel inadequate or
insecure.
If power is your dominantrelationship need, hurt feelings
(28:29):
could look like having youropinions consistently overruled,
being excluded from importantdecisions, feeling powerless in
conflict resolution or havingyour achievements diminished or
ignored.
From these examples, you canbetter associate which
fundamental relationship need isnot getting met when your
(28:53):
feelings are hurt.
Learning your dominantrelationship need will also help
you connect the dots betweenyour hurt feelings, the past
situation and person, the factsof the current situation and how
you feel about your partner,and the next steps you want to
take and the next steps you wantto take.
(29:14):
Understanding your dominantrelationship need can be a
powerful tool in enhancing yourself-awareness and improving
your relationships.
By identifying whichfundamental relationship need is
not being met, you can addressit directly with your partner
and work towards finding asolution that fulfills both of
(29:35):
your needs.
Additionally, recognizing yourdominant relationship need can
help you make more informedchoices in future interactions,
ensuring that you are valued andsupported and that need is
fulfilled.
As a reminder, you can learnyour dominant relationship need
(29:58):
by taking the quiz atneedsdrdarhawkscom.
Focus on your own needs and whatyou would like to see happen,
moving forward rather thandwelling on past grievances.
Keep in mind that the outcomeof the conversation may not
always align with yourexpectations, so it's essential
(30:20):
to be prepared for thatpossibility.
More often than not, we havethis picture in our minds of how
we think it should go or how wewant the conversation to happen
, or how we want to experiencethe conversation.
The problem is that when we'replanning for the conversation,
(30:41):
before we go have it, we don'tplan it, and when we do plan it,
we're not becoming clear andconscious about what our
expectations are.
So when we go and have theconversation and it's not going
the way you thought it would,the problem can you see it is
(31:01):
that you didn't map out what youthought it would look like or
needed to look like.
But when you're in the momentand something gets activated as
oh, this is not what I wanted,it sets you up for failure.
So it's really important for youto think through what are my
expectations here and whathappens if they're not met, and
(31:25):
what asks do I need to make ofmy partner so that those
expectations are met, if they'revalid and still desired?
So that those expectations aremet, if they're valid and still
desired.
Be open to asking your partnerwhat she or he needs as well, so
that you both can try to findcommon ground.
If neither of you are able tocome to a mutually satisfying
(31:46):
agreement, regardless of theresponse you receive, commit to
letting go of any grudges andplan to move forward with a
renewed relationship mindset andbe ready to face future
challenges with resilience andgrace, using the tools that I've
shared with you today.
I hope you do decide to takethe needs quiz.
(32:08):
If you do, you will receive myRelationship Communication
Educational series that will gofurther and deeper into the five
fundamental relationship needs.
Thank you so much for your timeand your listening, and be sure
to check the new pod and besure to check in on the next
(32:28):
podcast, which will be part twoof the hurt feelings that we've
talked about here, where I'llcover emotional understanding
and trauma and projection.
Thank you again for yourlistening and I look forward to
meeting you in the quiz or inthe next podcast.
Welcome to Episode 57 of the Better Relationships
Podcast.
I'm Dr Dar, your host andrelationship communication coach
and healer.
Today I'm talking about thosetimes when you're feeling hurt
by your partner, and I'm goingto cover things to do instead of
bottling it up or letting itall out in one explosion.
(00:24):
Do instead of bottling it up orletting it all out in one
explosion.
Feeling hurt by your partner isdevastating and heart-wrenching
.
Instead of bottling up thesehurt feelings, I invite you to
address them in a diplomatic way, because that is essential for
your healing and creatingcommunication and for creating
(00:47):
better communication andconnection in your relationships
.
It's important to acknowledgeyour emotional pain and find
ways to heal and let go of pasthurts.
Otherwise, those past hurtswill create turmoil in the
present as soon as a memory isactivated to ignite it.
(01:11):
By doing so, you can learn howto get past hurt feelings and
strengthen your relationship.
Let's explore the root of hurtfeelings, along with practical
strategies to navigate youremotional pain effectively and
(01:32):
with ease.
First, I'd like to talk aboutwhat hurt feelings are.
To begin with, they're anatural response to perceived
emotional pain ignited by theactions or words of your partner
or someone you care about.
They can stem from varioussources, such as.
(01:54):
I now want to emphasize theword perceived that I just
stated in the meaning of whathurt feelings are.
They are a natural response toperceived emotional pain ignited
by the actions or words ofothers.
That word perceived isimportant for you to understand.
(02:18):
It implies that hurt feelingsare subjective and can vary from
person to person.
What might hurt one person,what might hurt one person, may
not have the same hurtful impacton another.
This is because each person hastheir own unique background,
(02:42):
their own experiences, their ownmemories and upbringing that
influences their feelings.
While two people can havesimilar feelings, how they
arrived at those feelings isunique.
It may also explain why yourpartner does not understand why
your feelings are hurt, becauseyour partner may not relate to
(03:06):
the situation the same way youdo.
However, this does not diminishtheir impact on your emotional
well-being.
Recognizing and validating yourown feelings is the first step
towards addressing themconstructively is the first step
(03:27):
towards addressing themconstructively.
Understanding and acceptingthis can help you recognize that
your partner may not haveintended to hurt you.
Take a time out to process yourfeelings so that you can get
centered, calm, understandwhat's occurring underneath the
hurt feelings and determine yournext steps, as well as whether
they are helpful or not Toprocess your feelings.
(03:49):
Here are some self-coachingquestions for you to contemplate
and answer.
Number one identify whichfundamental relationship need is
not being met right now in thissituation where your feelings
were hurt and with the personwho hurt them.
(04:09):
Take the five relationshipneeds quiz at needsdrdarhawkscom
to identify your dominant need.
Number two what event from yourpast reminds you of this
situation?
What is still unresolved fromthat experience?
(04:31):
How were you hurt in thatsituation?
Who was it with?
What did they say or do?
How did you react?
Did you follow up with theconversation about how you were
hurt with them and what did theydo?
Number three how is this currentsituation and the individual
(04:53):
involved the same as theexperience and person from your
past?
Number four can you let this goor is it something you think
has to be addressed?
If it has to be addressed, isit with the current situation in
person or the past situationand person, or both?
(05:14):
Number five what do you want tosay to this person?
Why?
What difference will it make toyou?
What difference will it make tothem?
Is it really necessary, is itkind and will it heal you?
Number six if you do have thisconversation and it goes well,
(05:38):
will you keep your hurt feelingsin the past, meaning you won't
bring it up again?
Past meaning you won't bring itup again and also meaning that
your hurt feelings have beenhealed.
Number seven what outcome do youwant to have happen as a result
of this conversation?
(05:58):
Number eight what specificrequests or asks do you have for
this person and situation?
Number nine what is it you wantto hear them say?
What will you do if they don'tsay what you want them to say?
Number 10, what will you doshould this situation occur
again in the future, either withthe current situation in person
(06:21):
or some other one situation inperson or some other one?
Number 11, can you calmlyexpress what transpired in the
interaction factually, withoutraising your voice or crying?
Number 12, are you able toreframe what you want to say
using I statements?
(06:42):
Number 13, what have youlearned about yourself during
this introspection andself-reflection?
These are an example of some ofthe questions that I may ask
when I'm working with clientswho want to heal a past
relationship or situation or whoare getting affected in their
(07:05):
current relationship.
I want you to know that I'mhere to support you, and if
you're having trouble answeringthese questions, I invite you to
book a session with me andwe'll get them answered fairly
quickly, and there may be otherquestions that come up that are
more tailored for you and yoursituation.
You can book a session atsessiondrdarhawkscom and I look
(07:32):
forward to meeting you soon.
Now I'd like to share arelationship mindset shift.
I would like you to considerthis Every human being learns
through experience.
If you have not experiencedsomething, if a human being has
(07:54):
not experienced something, thenthey're not going to know what
that experience looks like,feels like, tastes like, smells
like, etc.
Like.
Feels like, tastes like, smellslike, etc.
Now consider that feelings aretied to that experience.
Therefore, it can be possiblethat feelings have a direct
(08:14):
connection to something thathappened to you in the past.
For example, if you've neverhad a chocolate chip cookie, how
would you know about chocolatechip cookies if you'd never seen
them, tried them, tasted them,heard about them and experienced
them?
You wouldn't know.
So you wouldn't know or have afeeling associated with what it
(08:38):
feels like to eat a chocolatechip cookie, assuming that you
like them today.
Back to the feelings having adirect connection to something
that happened to you like themtoday.
Back to the feelings having adirect connection to something
that happened to you in the past.
It's important to recognize thatthis current situation may very
well have been triggered frommay very well have been
(09:00):
triggered from unresolvedemotions from your past.
By addressing these feelings,you can not only bring healing
to yourself, but also create anopportunity for growth and
understanding in your currentrelationship.
When things show up in thepresent moment as hurt feelings,
(09:22):
it is a gift.
It is a gift to you andpotentially a message from your
body letting you know thatthere's some unhealed,
unresolved things going on withyou.
So it's really important thatyou invest some time when you
get upset or your feelings gethurt today, when you get upset
(09:44):
or your feelings get hurt today,spend some time really digging
into the questions that I sharedwith you, because they're an
opportunity for you to heal thepast and also not bring that
past into your currentrelationship.
Think about it this way If youhave not had any experience like
(10:04):
this one before, how would youknow your feelings have been
hurt?
To take that a bit further, howwould you even know they are
hurt feelings?
In a fraction of a second, youmade a choice to believe that
there is hurt caused by yourpartner in what they said, did
(10:25):
or did not do or say, and thenyour mind starts looking for
more evidence that your feelingsare hurt.
I think that the mind is alwayslooking for evidence of
something so that it can bevalidated, so that it can be
assessed and affirmed validatedso that it can be assessed and
(10:49):
affirmed.
Once the choice is made tobelieve in the hurt feelings,
it's hard not to see anythingother than what is validating
the hurt feelings.
It can make for a veryuntenable situation for your
partner and, consequently, you.
Your mind, hyper, focuses onwhat hurt you and then views
daily life through the lens orfilter of I'm hurt.
(11:11):
When this happens, yourinteractions with your partner
for a certain period of time canbe lived from the filter of I'm
hurt, can be lived from thefilter of I'm hurt, so your
partner can feel as though thereis nothing they do or say that
is going to be good enough foryou, because your mind is
looking for validation of thehurt feelings.
(11:33):
Anything your partner says howthey said it, what tone they use
, what they say, what their faceor body posture is doing just
exacerbates your hurt feelings,because your mind is looking for
validation of the hurt feelings, proof that they're valid.
That's why, when you start theconversation should you choose
(11:56):
to have it it's important to askyour partner to say something
like how you feel is importantto me Thank you for letting me
know that I hurt your feelings.
Let's process what happenedtogether so that we can prevent
this from happening again.
You could also say somethinglike that to yourself before you
(12:20):
start your self-reflectionexercise.
It will take both of youtalking through it to arrive at
a mutual understanding.
How you both perceived thesituation versus the facts of
the situation are threedifferent things, the three
(12:43):
things being the facts, yourperspective, and your partner or
the other person's perspective.
So it would behoove both of youto identify the facts and talk
through the three differentperspectives.
Now I want to share someexamples of the facts versus the
(13:05):
story or subjective perspective.
Let's start with the facts.
The facts are what happened,without each other's perspective
or interpretation.
I'm going to run throughseveral examples now, or
interpretation.
I'm going to run throughseveral examples now.
(13:26):
Your husband comes home latewithout calling and you feel
neglected.
Here are the facts.
Fact number one the husbandarrived.
Fact number one your husbandarrived at 8 pm instead of the
usual 6 pm.
The fact is no phone call wasmade and the fact is that dinner
was cold.
(13:46):
Here's another example.
Here's another example.
A wife makes plans withoutconsulting her husband.
Here are the facts the wifescheduled dinner with friends on
Saturday.
The calendar was not checkedbeforehand and her husband had
already planned an anniversarysurprise.
(14:07):
A husband looks at their phoneduring a conversation they're
having with you.
Here are the facts the phonebuzzed during the discussion.
The husband checked the messagemid-sentence and eye contact
was broken for 30 seconds.
(14:28):
A wife criticizes her husband'sparenting in front of their
children.
Here are the facts.
The wife said that's not howyou should handle this.
Another fact is children werepresent in the room and her
husband was addressing thechild's homework issue.
The husband forgets animportant date.
(14:50):
Here are the facts the wife'sbirthday was not acknowledged,
no card or gift was purchasedand the husband went to work as
usual.
A wife spends money without anydiscussion.
Fact $500.
Here are the facts A $500purchase was made, the joint
(15:14):
account was used and no priorconversation occurred about the
expense.
I hope these examples will giveyou enough to relate to so that
going forward if you get angry,upset or your feelings are hurt,
or even if you're happy or sadabout a situation or an
(15:37):
interaction, that you can sitdown and write down the facts.
Whenever there's an emotionalupheaval of any sort, whether
it's positive or not, it'sreally a great idea to map out
and write out the facts of thesituation.
It will really give your mindthe validation it's looking for,
(16:02):
instead of the validation basedon the story which we're going
to talk about next.
The second and third piecesconsist of your perspective and
your partner's perspective.
This is the subjective storyabout what happened.
These could be how either ofyou this consists of how either
(16:26):
you or your partner, or both,sees and feels and thinks about
the situation.
Said in a different way, youhave your story about what
happened and your partner hastheirs.
This is the interpretation part.
This is the meaning making part, where we add meaning to a
situation.
(16:46):
I hope you can see thedifference between the actual
fact something that both you andyour partner can align on and
agree on as the truth versus thestory, which is the perspective
you each have and how you thinkand feel about it.
This is the subjective part,which will require you both to
(17:11):
state the facts, agree thatthose are the facts and only
then start sharing about whatyou think and feel about those
facts.
Here's some context andexamples for you.
Here are some contextualexamples for you to relate to.
(17:33):
That doesn't work either.
Here are some examples for youto consider.
When you didn't call to sayyou'd be late, I felt abandoned
and worried about your safety.
I actually sat there watchingour dinner get cold and felt
like my effort wasn't valued.
When you looked at your phonewhile I was sharing my feelings
(17:57):
about work, I felt dismissed andunimportant, like whatever was
on your phone mattered more thanmy words, or me for that matter
.
When you forgot my birthday,completely going about your day
as usual without even a card ora happy birthday, I felt deeply
hurt and insignificant, like Iwasn't even worth remembering.
(18:21):
When you challenged myparenting in front of the
children during the homeworkdiscussion, I felt humiliated
and undermined.
It truly made me question myworth as a parent.
When you surprised me withplans on Saturday, even though
you didn't know I had arranged aspecial anniversary celebration
(18:42):
, I felt devastated andunappreciated.
All my planning and effort tomake our day special felt wasted
.
When you made dinner plans withfriends without checking with
me first.
I felt excluded and taken forgranted, like my time and
(19:07):
schedule really don't matter toyou.
When you were late coming homeand didn't call, I felt anxious
and powerless.
I kept imagining the worstscenarios and felt helpless, not
knowing where you were.
When you criticized my workdecisions in front of our
friends at dinner, I feltdisrespected and embarrassed.
(19:29):
It made me question whether youtruly support my career choices
.
When you spent our savings on anew TV without discussing it
with me first, I felt betrayedand unvalued, like my financial
input doesn't matter in ourpartnership.
When you interrupted me while Iwas telling you about my
(19:51):
difficult day at work, I feltdismissed and unimportant, as if
my experiences were not worthyour attention.
When you told your mother aboutour private argument, I felt my
trust was violated.
It made me feel like I can't bevulnerable and open-hearted
with you without it becomingfamily gossip.
(20:12):
When you made major decisionsabout our child's education
without including me in theprocess, I felt sidelined and
irrelevant as a father.
When you compared me to yourfriend's husband during our
disagreement, I felt inadequateand hurt, like I wasn't
measuring up to yourexpectations.
(20:34):
When you dismissed my concernsabout our financial planning as
overthinking.
I felt belittled and unheard,like my worries weren't valid or
important to you.
I hope those examples bring youadditional insights into how to
frame the conversation.
If you'll notice, the sentencesare really short, they're
(20:57):
really clear and they'respecific.
They also mention the exactscenario or situation for
context.
Now let's talk about bridgingthe gaps.
How do we align ourselves withthe facts?
Arguments and hurt feelingsoccur due to not separating the
(21:20):
facts from the subjectiveinterpretation and then not
asking for or understanding howeach person subjectively views
the situation, and then one orthe other person pushes the
other to see it their waybecause the mind is looking for
(21:42):
validation and agreement.
When couples start looking atthe facts, they're and reorient
around the facts and then sharehow they feel about the facts,
it can shift from arguing tofocusing on what each of you
needs instead.
So where do you go from here?
(22:04):
Here are the next steps.
What are you both committing todo or say going forward, should
this situation occur again?
Because hurt feelings arestored memories and they pop up
at the most inconvenient times,don't they?
So here are some examples ofasks you can make of each other,
(22:28):
followed by agreement andfollow through, that are related
to the examples that I'vealready shared with you.
Could we agree to check in witheach other before making social
plans that might affect our timetogether?
Would you be willing to setaside phone?
Would you be willing?
Would you be willing to setaside phone-free time during our
(22:53):
dates?
Would you be willing to setaside phone-free time during our
dates?
Can we create a system where weboth participate in decisions
about our child's education?
Can we agree to avoidcomparisons with other couples
during our disagreements?
(23:16):
When I share concerns about ourfinances, could you listen first
before offering solutions?
Would you be open to having aweekly check-in where we discuss
important decisions together?
Can we agree to pauseconversations when they become
heated and resume when we'reboth calm?
Could we establish a rule aboutnot interrupting each other
(23:36):
during important conversations?
Would you be willing toacknowledge my feelings first,
even if you see thingsdifferently?
Can we promise to discuss majordecisions together before
taking action?
Could we create a signal forwhen one of us feels unheard or
(24:00):
dismissed?
Would you be open to settingboundaries around work-related
interruptions during family time?
Can we agree to validate eachother's feelings, then identify
the facts and align on the factsbefore trying to solve problems
.
(24:20):
Could we establish dedicatedquality time where we give each
other our full attention, someinsights and you've come away
recognizing that when we sharehow we're feeling about a
situation, after we've processedour hurt feelings and
identified the facts, howquickly you can have the
(24:43):
conversation.
It is literally talking aboutthe facts and listing them,
asking if your partner sees thefacts the same way and getting
agreement, and then sharing asentence about the situation and
how you felt about it and howit hurt you, and then making a
(25:05):
request.
You literally can do this inone minute or less.
The normal way, or the waycouples and individuals usually
handle hurt feelings, is theyeither bottle them up and don't
say anything until they becomeso big inside them that they
just explode the next timesomething happens or triggers it
(25:29):
, or they just avoid italtogether, or they will just
try to address it in the momentas they're processing the
feelings.
Let's now talk about the needsthat I mentioned.
When working on bridging thegaps between the subjective
(25:50):
perspectives each of you haveand the facts of the situation,
your relationship needs matter.
There are five fundamentalrelationship needs that modern
humans have and that areintricately and complexly tied
to feelings, and those fivefundamental relationship needs
(26:10):
are love and belonging, freedom,fun, power, and safety and
survival.
I'd like to share some examplesfor each of the five
relationship needs when yourfeelings are hurt.
Depending on which of the fiverelationship needs is your
dominant one, hurt feelings canlook like these examples.
(26:34):
Before I share the examples,though, to learn which of the
five is your dominant need, takethe quiz at needsdrdarhawkscom
that'sneedsd-r-d-a-r-h-a-w-k-scom.
If love and belonging is yourdominant relationship need, hurt
(26:56):
feelings can look like feelingexcluded when your partner makes
plans without you not receivingaffection or intimacy when
needed or desired, being ignoredor given the silent treatment
or feeling disconnected duringimportant moments.
Or feeling disconnected duringimportant moments If freedom is
(27:17):
your dominant relationship need.
Hurt feelings can look likehaving your choices criticized
or controlled, being restrictedfrom pursuing personal interests
, feeling trapped in rigidrelationship expectations and
having your independencequestioned.
If fun is your dominantrelationship need, hurt feelings
(27:45):
can look like your partnerconsistently refusing to
participate in activities youenjoy, feeling dismissed when
sharing excitement aboutsomething being mocked for your
interests or hobbies, havingyour playful moments rejected.
If safety and survival is yourdominant relationship need, hurt
feelings could look likefeeling emotionally unsafe to
(28:09):
share openly and expressyourself, having your basic
needs dismissed or minimized,experiencing anxiety about
relationship stability or beingmade to feel inadequate or
insecure.
If power is your dominantrelationship need, hurt feelings
(28:29):
could look like having youropinions consistently overruled,
being excluded from importantdecisions, feeling powerless in
conflict resolution or havingyour achievements diminished or
ignored.
From these examples, you canbetter associate which
fundamental relationship need isnot getting met when your
(28:53):
feelings are hurt.
Learning your dominantrelationship need will also help
you connect the dots betweenyour hurt feelings, the past
situation and person, the factsof the current situation and how
you feel about your partner,and the next steps you want to
take and the next steps you wantto take.
(29:14):
Understanding your dominantrelationship need can be a
powerful tool in enhancing yourself-awareness and improving
your relationships.
By identifying whichfundamental relationship need is
not being met, you can addressit directly with your partner
and work towards finding asolution that fulfills both of
(29:35):
your needs.
Additionally, recognizing yourdominant relationship need can
help you make more informedchoices in future interactions,
ensuring that you are valued andsupported and that need is
fulfilled.
As a reminder, you can learnyour dominant relationship need
(29:58):
by taking the quiz atneedsdrdarhawkscom.
Focus on your own needs and whatyou would like to see happen,
moving forward rather thandwelling on past grievances.
Keep in mind that the outcomeof the conversation may not
always align with yourexpectations, so it's essential
(30:20):
to be prepared for thatpossibility.
More often than not, we havethis picture in our minds of how
we think it should go or how wewant the conversation to happen
, or how we want to experiencethe conversation.
The problem is that when we'replanning for the conversation,
(30:41):
before we go have it, we don'tplan it, and when we do plan it,
we're not becoming clear andconscious about what our
expectations are.
So when we go and have theconversation and it's not going
the way you thought it would,the problem can you see it is
(31:01):
that you didn't map out what youthought it would look like or
needed to look like.
But when you're in the momentand something gets activated as
oh, this is not what I wanted,it sets you up for failure.
So it's really important for youto think through what are my
expectations here and whathappens if they're not met, and
(31:25):
what asks do I need to make ofmy partner so that those
expectations are met, if they'revalid and still desired?
So that those expectations aremet, if they're valid and still
desired.
Be open to asking your partnerwhat she or he needs as well, so
that you both can try to findcommon ground.
If neither of you are able tocome to a mutually satisfying
(31:46):
agreement, regardless of theresponse you receive, commit to
letting go of any grudges andplan to move forward with a
renewed relationship mindset andbe ready to face future
challenges with resilience andgrace, using the tools that I've
shared with you today.
I hope you do decide to takethe needs quiz.
(32:08):
If you do, you will receive myRelationship Communication
Educational series that will gofurther and deeper into the five
fundamental relationship needs.
Thank you so much for your timeand your listening, and be sure
to check the new pod and besure to check in on the next
(32:28):
podcast, which will be part twoof the hurt feelings that we've
talked about here, where I'llcover emotional understanding
and trauma and projection.
Thank you again for yourlistening and I look forward to
meeting you in the quiz or inthe next podcast.
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