May 23, 2025 • 55 mins
Have you ever wished you could change your partner, family member, friend, or colleague? Dr. Dar Hawks challenges the common belief that "you can't change other people" by revealing a powerful truth: when you transform yourself, those around you often change in response.
Forget about direct confrontation, ultimatums, or demands - these approaches typically trigger resistance and defensiveness. Instead, Dr. Dar introduces an indirect, influential method that works through what she calls "relationship electromagnetics" - the invisible forces governing our interactions. By changing your own behaviors, communication style, and the energy you bring to conversations, you create profound shifts without ever directly asking others to change.
This transformative approach requires understanding that people react not only to who you are now, but to their memory of who you've been. Dr. Dar explains why consistency and patience are crucial as you break established patterns and create space for new perceptions to take root. Through compelling examples - from improving emotional intelligence to adopting healthier habits - she demonstrates how personal growth naturally inspires those around you to evolve alongside you.
The episode delves into the impact of trauma on our capacity for change, the challenges of sustaining transformation, and the difference between trying to change someone's personality versus their behaviors. Dr. Dar offers practical questions to recalibrate your internal state before difficult conversations and shares strategies for creating environments where change feels like an invitation rather than an imposition.
Ready to become the catalyst for positive transformation in your relationships? Take the relationship needs quiz at needs.drdarhawks.com and discover how your personal growth can create ripple effects that change your entire relational landscape.
Welcome to the Better Relationships Podcast where Dr. Dar Hawks shares relationship tips and advice to help you be seen, heard, understood, and supported in your relationships. Taking on tough topics and giving you hope, inspiration, and ideas to experiment with, Dr. Dar Hawks is passionate about creating healthier, happier, and harmonious relationships...
Because when you are happy in your relationship, the world becomes a better place for all of us.
Welcome to the Better Relationships Podcast where Dr. Dar Hawks shares relationship tips and advice to help you be seen, heard, understood, and supported in your relationships. Taking on tough topics and giving you hope, inspiration, and ideas to experiment with, Dr. Dar Hawks is passionate about creating healthier, happier, and harmonious relationships...
Because when you are happy in your relationship, the world becomes a better place for all of us.
Take my free Primary Relationship Needs Quiz to discover your dominant, secondary, and shadow Primary Relationship Needs by visiting https://needs.drdarhawks.com. This one thing will help you better understand yourself, your partner, and your relationship, and even improve communication and connection between you and your partner.
Note: The quiz name has changed from Sovereign Relationship Needs to Primary Relationship Needs as of July 2024. Please keep that in mind for podcasts dated before July 2024.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Dr. Dar Hawks (00:00):
Welcome to Episode 59 of the Better
Relationships Podcast.
I'm Dr Dar Hawks, your host,and today I want to talk about
whether you can really changeanother person.
I often get asked how do I makemy wife change?
How do I get my husband to dothis?
Can you really make your spouseor partner or friend or parent
(00:25):
change?
Well, my answers might surpriseyou.
Oh how I'd love to havereceived a penny For each time a
client asked me how to gettheir spouse, family member,
boss, parent or friend to change.
(00:46):
You, too, may have wishedsomeone in your life was
different, would do thingsdifferently, say things
differently, or you probablyknow someone who wishes that too
.
If so, this is the podcastepisode for you.
There is a common myth thatsays you cannot change other
(01:07):
people.
You can only change yourself.
I bet you've heard that too,but no one talks about how other
people around you actually dochange, right in front of your
eyes when you make changes ofyour own.
Now, bear with me here.
(01:31):
You may be thinking I'm goingto talk about how you can make
someone else change their ways,and I am, but it may not be
exactly how or what you want tohear.
Creating change in someone elsereally requires an indirect
approach.
You've most likely been taughtthe common mainstream approach
(01:52):
to be assertive, ask or demandfor what you want or need.
Tell others what you want themto do or say or tell them what
you want them to change.
But that approach is commonlyfollowed by resistance,
defensiveness or doubling downin the very thing you want them
to change.
An indirect and influentialapproach is a very different way
(02:16):
than telling them what changesyou want them to make, or worse,
give them, or worse or worse,giving them ultimatums.
More often than not, tellingsomeone you care about that they
must change will not pan out asyou originally wanted or
intended, which results in yougetting frustrated, them
(02:38):
resisting, creating conflict or,dare I say, the relationship,
ending.
The people you ask to changemay say people just don't change
, you can't make me change.
But the notion that you can'tchange people generally refers
to the difficulty in alteringingrained traits or
(03:00):
personalities.
However, by focusing onbehavior adjustments, you can
inspire transformation inyourself and, consequently, in
people around you.
Instead, if you could inspirechange simply by demonstrating
it through changing yourbehaviors, changing your
communication style orcommunication tactics and
(03:24):
changing the energy that youbring to the conversation in the
relationship.
That's what I mean by focusingon behavior adjustments versus
telling people to change theirtraits.
Let me give you an example ofchanging a personality.
Let's say that you have afriend that is extremely
skeptical and you want them tobecome more positive.
(03:46):
They may be inherently anindividual who questions
everything and criticizeseverything.
That doesn't mean that they'rea bad person.
It just means that they may beincompatible for you as a
positive for long durations oftime.
They may be people that you cancount on to help you question
(04:08):
things or create a way ofthinking differently about a
problem in your life orsomething that you're going to
buy or a thing that you'rewanting to take on in your life.
Having healthy skeptics andcritics in your life is a good
thing, but you, as a positiveperson, may not be able to live
(04:28):
with them 24-7.
That's kind of an exaggeratedexample, but I wanted to share
with you what I mean by traitsand personality versus behaviors
Behavior.
An example of a behavior issomebody maybe it's a roommate
or a partner or spouse.
As soon as they come in thehouse, they throw their shoes
(04:53):
off, kick their socks offwherever they are.
All of a sudden, you've gotshoes and socks everywhere in
that room near the entry of thehouse.
That is a behavior Focusing onbehaviors instead of traits or
personalities has an increasedlikelihood of being able to
(05:14):
create change.
Instead of focusing on traitsor personalities, what if your
actions and attitudes became thequiet catalyst for change?
Consider how a calm person or acalm presence or mood can
disarm anger, or how a warmsmile can soften tension.
(05:35):
Those are small actions, butthey really do have a powerful
influence.
This happens because eachperson's energy feeds the other
in a cyclic pattern of actionand reaction.
Now, this isn't about beingpassive or avoiding the problem.
(06:15):
It's truly about shifting theelectromagnetic and the energy
between you and reorientingyourself and the other person in
how to be with each other.
Electromagnetics governs humaninteractions.
It is the invisible force inyour relationship that consists
(06:35):
of a blend of emotions,intentions and unspoken cues
that influence the behavior andfeelings of yourself and others.
When you learn to harness thatenergy intentionally, you can
create a space where changefeels less like an imposition
(06:55):
and more like an invitation.
Recognizing the impact ofself-change on others will
require a healthy dose ofself-control, awareness,
consistency, follow-through andpatience.
It also requires being able torecognize, see, acknowledge and
(07:17):
appreciate the teeny, tinyglimmers of change in yourself
and in others that can so easilybe missed without getting
coaching support.
It takes time to be able to seethe change in others while you
create changes within yourself.
The main reason for this isthat you have a past reference
(07:39):
point of who you were in thatrelationship, as does the person
that you're in a relationshipwith or that you're interacting
with.
Think of it this way you havetrained yourself and each other
to expect experience and seeeach other to be the way you
(08:00):
used to be you, and they willcontinue to refer to that memory
of you in the present momentfor a period of time.
This is why it's important togive them and yourself the
opportunity to witness andexperience growth and change
consistently over time until youboth start relating to each
(08:24):
other based on this new versionof you and each other.
It can be challenging, as youand others will tend to resist
the change and be skeptical ofeach other's transformation.
However, by demonstratingself-control, staying aware of
your own actions and reactions,being consistent in your new
(08:46):
behaviors, following through onyour commitments and practicing
patience with each other, youboth will begin to see each
other as you are in the presentmoment, when you experience
personal growth andtransformation.
It can bring about change in itothers, but the extent of this
change is indirect.
(09:07):
Most people just dive intotheir interactions and
conversations with minimalplanning, reacting in the moment
to what others are saying, notsaying, doing or not doing, and
reacting to things that feeluncomfortable for yourself or
(09:27):
things that you don't appreciateor don't like in yourself that
are being mirrored through otherpeople.
Taking the time to get clear inyour body, mind and energy
before having conversations tocreate change and identifying
what it will take to become thebetter person or partner, as
well as identifying what theother person is reacting to or
(09:51):
responding to that originatesfrom you, begins with
recalibrating your own innerstate.
Here are some questions you canask yourself.
Here are some questions you canask yourself.
What energy am I bringing intothis interaction?
Am I communicating openness oram I transmitting rigidity?
(10:16):
Do I have a positive, negativeor neutral mood or charge?
What do I need to do to getinto a neutral state of being?
What do I need to do to getinto a neutral state of being,
into a state of inclusivenessand into a state of a beginner's
mind?
A beginner's mind means you'recurious about the dialogue.
(10:39):
You're curious about the otherperson and you just are neutral
about it.
You don't have a bias or anagenda.
Am I exuding kindness or am Iradiating defensiveness or
control?
Is there an experience from apast experience I've had that
I'm bringing into thisinteraction?
(11:01):
Can I leave it in the past andapproach this interaction or
experience as a new one, with abeginner's mind?
What desired outcome am Itrying to achieve with this
interaction?
Is this outcome what's best foreveryone involved, or is this
(11:24):
just about me?
What do I need to model andchange within myself to bring
forward this outcome?
These questions are not meantto spark self-criticism, but to
inspire mindfulness, to inspirea way to ensure your energy
aligns with the outcome you hopeto achieve.
(11:46):
These are some of the questionsI use with my clients, but is
not all inclusive.
However, they should be enoughto get started with your DIY
approach to checking your ownenergy and electromagnetics.
Consider this a long game.
It's a practice of influencerather than control.
(12:08):
It requires a level ofself-awareness and, above all, a
commitment to the kind ofchange you wish.
Instead of directly addressingwhat you want them to change,
try pivoting your focus inwardand examine how your own
behavior, reactions and energymight be contributing to the
experience you are having withthem.
(12:29):
For example, your partner isvery jealous of a relationship
you have with a co-worker.
Instead of trying to convinceyour partner that their jealousy
is misplaced or unfair, beginby looking at what behaviors you
are engaging in.
Begin with looking at whatbehaviors you are engaging in
(12:51):
with your coworker that yourpartner may also want to share
with you.
Their jealousy could be igniteddue to the amount of time you
spend with them, the types ofconversations you have, the
connection you have, thefrequency of connection or time
that you have with them, theinterruptions with cell phone
(13:13):
conversations or texts when youare with your partner.
There are other things that youcould look at too.
Those are some examples.
By approaching the situationwith compassion and
introspection, you might findthat your partner begins to feel
more secure over time becauseof the efforts that you are
(13:35):
making in adjusting yourbehaviors to be inclusive of
your partner.
Now, with this example, I haveworked with couples and coached
them.
Where one party that is jealousof their partner's relationship
with their coworker, they mightuse the term work spouse, work
husband or work wife, which is,and can very well be a term used
(13:59):
in jealousy.
Oftentimes, though, thatpartner will say that's silly.
I work with them, we share acareer, I can talk to them about
things at my work that you justdon't understand and never will
.
That's an example ofdiminishing or misplacing or
(14:22):
criticizing and pushing back onthe person who feels jealous,
and it doesn't resolve the issue.
In fact, it could make yourpartner even more jealous.
Instead, take a more inclusiveapproach, trying to include them
in the dialogue.
Spend some time sharing aboutyour work so that they feel
(14:44):
included, and share that part ofyour life with you, because,
let's face it, we spend a lot oftime at work More time, dare I
say, than we do with ourpartners in quality one-on-one
time.
By approaching the situationwith compassion and
introspection, you may find thatyour partner begins to feel
(15:05):
more secure over time, due toyour efforts in adjusting your
behaviors to be inclusive ofyour partner.
This process of change oftenstarts small, which is why it
requires a healthy dose ofpatience, consistency and
vigilance to ensure you do notdefault to old patterns of
behavior.
And vigilance to ensure you donot default to old patterns of
(15:27):
behavior.
Each minor adjustment you makegradually dissolves rigid
patterns that might have feltimpossible to change.
It may not happen immediately,but with patience, consistency
and genuine intent, you cancreate the conditions where
transformative shifts can unfoldnaturally and in their own time
.
The most profound shifts occurwhen you stop pointing outward
(15:51):
and start making subtleadjustments to your inner world.
Pointing outward exudes theenergy of blame, criticism or
judgment, which is why you'reusually met with resistance,
conflict or defensiveness, oreven arguing, when informing
someone they must change.
Change in this sense becomesless about control and more
(16:12):
about influence.
For explanation purposes, I'mcalling the change you want to
see in another person the issue.
It's not that you are causingthe issue or that they are.
It's that the need for changeresulted from a one-time or
recurring issue that originatedin the past.
(16:33):
It could also be an issue thatoriginated from a different
person or different relationshipaltogether.
Furthermore, more often thannot, each person is acting and
reacting based on an experiencethey learned from the past, and
it can be a recent past with thesame person, or far back into
(16:55):
childhood with a differentperson.
This is why the idea ofmindfulness and staying in the
present moment is applicable inrelationship-based interactions.
For instance, having the wisdomto extend a moment of silence
when emotions escalate, canprovide the needed pause to
(17:16):
recalibrate the conversation andallow for a space of
understanding to take precedenceover reaction.
Here's a side note One of myunique gifts and talents as a
relationship communication coachis working with people to
create internal emotionalharmony and showing them how
(17:41):
their electromagnetic isimpacting the issue, them how
their electromagnetic isimpacting the issue, and I teach
them and show them ways toshift the electromagnetics and
what energy behind the words touse in order to create change.
By using this method that I'msharing with you, they have
(18:02):
created incredible and differentresults in their interactions
as they go about their day ininteracting with the people in
their life, and the issue getsresolved Now.
Equally significant is thepractice of reflective listening
, which is not merely hearingthe words, but absorbing the
(18:24):
essence and the meaning behindthem.
It also requires not makingassumptions or interrupting.
That requires asking curiousquestions to better understand
the essence and the meaningbehind the words they're sharing
with you, instead of you makingit up or thinking that your
(18:45):
intuition has the answer, or,worse, making assumptions,
because your interpretation canvery well be very different from
their intent.
Listening with your whole bodyand mind conveys a powerful
unspoken message.
That message is that the personin front of you matters and
(19:07):
their experiences areacknowledged and validated.
In using reflective listening,you also will start dismantling
barriers of misunderstanding andstart instilling mutual respect
.
This is not about agreeing withevery perspective or
relinquishing your own truth,but it's about stepping into
(19:31):
their world and mindset to graspand understand their fears and
hopes and motivations.
It's also about putting yourown truths on pause until the
right time and when it'sappropriate for you to share
your perspective and also sayingsomething like I acknowledge
(19:53):
everything that you've said.
I'd like to share myperspective with you about that,
because it is different andmaybe we can find some
commonality and align in ourapproach going forward.
This is the way relationshipscan evolve into spaces of
connection rather thancompetition, or collaboration
(20:14):
rather than contention.
As you commit to these gradualadjustments, you're not simply
influencing outcomes.
You're reimagining yourinteractions and creating
emotional harmony, trust andshared humanity.
I've mentioned this term,emotional harmony, a couple of
times.
Let me share with you what it'sabout.
(20:35):
Emotional harmony is aboutunderstanding your own emotions
and having emotional balancewithin yourself.
It's the ability to recognizeyour emotional triggers and the
ability to navigate them withoutbeing overtaken by them, to
(20:58):
ensure your interactions arerooted in intentionality rather
than reaction.
This inner work requires aconscious effort to pause and
reflect, to acknowledge whenfrustration or impatience arises
within you and choose insteadto respond with compassion and
(21:19):
patience.
It's not about suppressing yourfeelings.
(21:40):
Show them how to manage theiremotions as well.
Emotional harmony also createsjoy.
It just makes you a happierperson for yourself, but also
happier for others to be aroundyou.
They will want to be around you.
Equally important is therecognition of timing and
(22:04):
patience for interactions.
Change unfolds in layers.
It's not a one and done thingand it's often imperceptible at
first.
The shifts you cultivate inyourself set the stage for
others to respond differently,paving the way for
(22:25):
transformation without directconfrontation.
Additionally, consider the roleof nonverbal communication in
shaping desired outcomes.
Your body language, tone andeven the silence you offer can
speak volumes.
A steady gaze, a nod ofencouragement, putting your cell
(22:50):
phone or other distractionsaway and them seeing you do it,
or simply being fully present,can communicate respect and
invite collaboration.
Saying something like let meput these distractions away so I
can focus on you is a greatexample.
These gestures act as bridges,enabling others to feel valued,
(23:13):
understood and acknowledged.
People tend to be drawn to, notrepelled by, the energy you
exude when you are activelyworking on becoming the best
version of yourself.
As a result, their energy willincrementally shift to meet
yours as long as you remainconsistent with the changes you
(23:34):
make to better yourself and whenthey are healthy and positive
and you don't fall back to oldways of being.
When interacting with those whoknow you, their energy will
also incrementally shift to meetyours when you allow plenty of
time for your transformation totake hold.
Don't attach a timeline demandsor expectations on seeing
(23:58):
change in others, and thatyou're patient with yourself,
because as you're implementingchange within yourself and
you're interacting with peoplewho know you, they're reacting
and responding to you based onthe past version of yourself and
you may revert to your old wayof being.
Keep practicing with them asyou implement change.
(24:19):
We react and respond to theenergetic change we see or feel,
but we also react or respondthe version of ourselves and the
version of the other personthat we see from the past.
So it's really important foryou to get clear about am I
thinking about this person basedon the past or am I thinking
(24:41):
about them with this issue inthe present moment?
And this is howelectromagnetics work.
We react and respond to theenergetics.
In the moment I talk aboutelectromagnetics, what they are
and how they work in episodenumber 56.
I invite you to listen to thatepisode to learn more about that
.
(25:03):
While it's true you can't forcechange upon someone else, your
own growth can serve as apowerful catalyst for
transformation in yourrelationships.
Now let's discuss what changeis and is not.
Change involves transformingbehaviors, thoughts, feelings,
(25:25):
attitudes, beliefs, values,communication, decisions and
motivations, intentions andagendas.
It means breaking old patternsand adopting new ones that match
your goals and values.
Change can be triggered byoutside factors, such as
significant life events or theinfluence of others.
(25:48):
I want to give you some generalexamples for context that
triggers change Loss of a lovedone that can lead to personal
growth and emotional maturity,or a breakdown and regression to
childhood behaviors, careerchanges or job loss.
(26:10):
This could prompt developingskills and a new life direction,
or it could prompt depressionand a lack of motivation to do
anything.
Marriage or divorce causesshifts in priorities and
relationship patterns andbehaviors.
Having children transformspersonal values and
(26:30):
responsibilities.
Having children requires changein both parents behaviors, and
sometimes having childrencreates the situation where one
parent may get stuck inbehaviors that they had when
they were single and thatdoesn't work for the other
partner.
(26:50):
Serious illness or injury canlead to lifestyle changes and
new perspectives, or giving up,moving to a new country or city.
That forces cultural adaptationand creating change with
yourself, or it could createbecoming a recluse.
Educational achievements cancreate changing careers and a
(27:12):
change in self-perception.
Religious or spiritualawakening can change belief
systems, and that can be for thebetter or to the detriment of a
relationship.
Surviving a traumatic event canresult in psychological and
physical transformation.
Financial windfalls or bankrisk can cause lifestyle,
psychological and physicaltransformation.
Financial windfalls or bankrisk can cause lifestyle changes
(27:33):
and priority changes.
Military service can creatediscipline and worldview changes
, but being deployed and comingback home can actually be harder
than being deployed.
Recovery from addiction leadsto behavioral and social changes
that can be positive or not.
(27:56):
Life-threatening experiencescan prompt re-evaluation of
priorities or doubling down onwho you are or who you were.
Starting or ending significantrelationships affects personal
growth, and that can be for thebetter or not.
Major health diagnoses thoseinspire lifestyle modifications,
(28:21):
but also can inspire giving up.
Experiencing changes like thisimpacts your relationships.
It impacts perception of eachother and your self-perception
and general attitude.
Now let's talk about the impactof changes on relationships and
personal growth.
(28:41):
Changes can strengthen orweaken your connection.
They test your resilience anddemand the acquisition of new
coping mechanisms.
Accepting change as a chancefor personal development can
enrich your relationships, butwe have to communicate the
changes that we're wanting tomake and communicate the
(29:04):
incremental change as we moveforward and interact with people
to see how it's, how they'reresponding or reacting to it.
Some relationships may end orbecome more distant because your
values, beliefs, morals orethics no longer align.
Now let's talk about what ittakes to change your partner or
(29:28):
another person.
It requires looking at your ownchoices, behavior, attitudes,
beliefs, values, moods, triggersor push buttons, your own
emotional intelligence andmaturity, your own emotional
(29:50):
intelligence and theirs andemotional maturity, and how
you're communicating andlistening.
The word belief refers to aconviction or acceptance that
something is true or exists.
Beliefs can be shaped byvarious factors, such as
(30:11):
personal experiences, culturalbackground, upbringing and
education.
They often serve as thefoundation for your thoughts,
behaviors and decision-makingprocesses.
Challenging your beliefs is apowerful catalyst for personal
growth and change.
Challenging your beliefs aboutanother person also is a
powerful catalyst for personalgrowth and change.
Challenging your beliefs aboutanother person also is a
(30:35):
powerful catalyst.
It allows you to question thevalidity of your assumptions and
interpretations.
It allows you to exploredifferent perspectives and
consider alternative ways ofthinking and being.
Having beliefs is extremelysubjective, much like feelings
(30:56):
are.
They are unique to each personin their expression or
application.
Consequently, when I'm workingwith clients and coaching them,
I start with choices.
When I'm working with clientsand coaching them, I start with
choices, because creating changerequires you to actively choose
(31:17):
to make adjustments in your ownlife, and you have choice in
the matter.
It's important to recognizethat you cannot force someone
else to change, but you caninfluence them to changing your
own behavior and actions, andthen examine your own behavior,
attitudes and beliefs.
Are there aspects of yourrelationship that may be
(31:42):
contributing to the issue in therelationship?
Is there a past experiencethat's contributing to a replay
of that issue in the present?
When a person is reacting, it'susually due to something
unresolved that happened in thepast, either with the same
person or someone completelydifferent, or it's due to a
preference that a person has, orit's due to something that
(32:04):
creates more work for them.
Here are some examples ofself-change that then creates or
influences change in others.
Joe works on increasing hisemotional intelligence and
becoming more emotionally matureso that he can better manage
(32:24):
his emotional reactions Throughconsistently demonstrating and
modeling emotional health.
Joe notices his partner all ofa sudden stops criticizing him
as often as she used to.
Jan and Joseph both strugglewith anger management.
Jan decides to attend therapyto assist with her anger issues.
(32:47):
As Jan demonstrates managingher anger in a healthy way, she
notices that Joseph's anger isless intense.
Joseph eventually decides toget support for his anger
response issues as well, andthis leads them to develop
better communication skills andself-emotional regulation.
(33:12):
Fran decides to introducenutritious and healthy cooking
into her daily life.
She gradually transforms herown eating habits and overall
wellness.
Once her partner notices thechanges in her moods, energy,
wellness and body, they toobegin embracing more nutritious
eating habits and body.
(33:36):
They too begin embracing morenutritious eating habits.
Lisa and James encourage eachother to pursue higher ed.
They create an education andfinancial plan together and a
schedule, and their mutualsupport eventually results in
both of them earning degreesthey want.
And their mutual supporteventually results in both of
them earning degrees they bothonce thought unattainable.
(33:58):
Here are some more examples.
When Emily develops an interestin fitness, her spouse Tom
decides to join her for somejoint workout sessions.
Olivia's environmentalconsciousness influences her
partner Ben to adopt moresustainable practices at home,
deepening their sharedcommitment to eco-friendly
(34:19):
living.
As David becomes moreemotionally open with his
feelings, he notices Mia'sfeeling encouraged to be more
expressive herself, feelingencouraged to be more expressive
herself.
When Priya's curiosity aboutcultural experiences grows, she
encourages her partner Sam tojoin her in traveling and
(34:40):
learning together, which thenbroadens their shared worldview.
After Hannah seeks professionalcoaching to overcome her social
anxiety, her progress inspiresher partner Chris, who witnesses
Hannah's growing confidence, toalso seek help for personal
growth in becoming moreconfident in himself, his
(35:02):
abilities and his career.
These are some general andsimple examples for illustrative
purposes of how your partnercan change as a result of the
change you choose for yourself.
Of course, it's more complexthan this, because there's
electromagnetics at play,there's your past experiences at
(35:25):
play, there's your personalityand your body's energy at play,
but this gives you an idea ofthis concept of self-change
causing change in others.
Think about it this way whenyou make changes in yourself,
the people around you will startto transform as well.
You and your people havetrained each other over time to
(35:47):
expect certain behaviors andresponses.
When you break that pattern bymaking changes for yourself and
within yourself, it disrupts thestatus quo and invites others
to do the same.
Please don't underestimate thepower of your own transformation
and how it can influence andinspire those that you love.
(36:10):
The energy within you hasshifted and, as a result, the
people around you will sensethat change and their energy
will also transform.
You can also come up withstrategies to make change easier
for them, and that's somethingthat I coach my clients on how
to do.
The example I provided aboutkicking your socks and shoes off
(36:34):
may be creating a station wherethere's a laundry basket and a
shoe stand where they can placetheir shoes and socks, because
their behavior and habit is tocome in and throw them off right
away.
The side benefit of that isthey're not walking around the
house with shoes on, and thatmakes it easier for you to keep
(36:55):
the floors clean.
Don't underestimate the power ofyour own transformation and how
it can inspire and influencethose you love.
The energy within you hasshifted and, as a result, the
people around you will sensethat change and their energy
will also transform.
They may initially resist orfeel uncomfortable with the
(37:19):
unfamiliar, but over time, withyour consistency and standing
strong, they will come to seethe benefits and embrace the
growth that comes with it.
On the one hand, personalchange can inspire those around
you to start focusing on theirown growth.
It can deepen your emotionalconnections as you share your
experiences and support eachother's progress.
(37:39):
On the other hand, change canalso create tension or even
distance if others struggle toadapt to the new version of
ourselves.
This is why change can be hardto sustain.
Version of ourselves.
This is why change can be hardto sustain.
Oftentimes we go back to our oldpatterns of being because our
community is not adaptingquickly enough or we're fearful
(38:01):
of that relationship ending orcreating more conflict or
hurting feelings, or they'rejust not changing and they're
reinforcing the old habits andbehaviors that we had.
When attempting personal change, several factors can make it
challenging to maintain progress, but you can implement things
(38:23):
and ways and strategies to keepthese from deterring you.
Lack of support.
Your immediate circle may notfully understand or support your
new goals.
That leads to feelings ofisolation.
Social expectations,long-standing social roles and
expectations can pressure you torevert to your previous
(38:43):
behaviors.
This is certainly true infamily-based relationships and
long-term close friendships.
Environmental triggers Familiarenvironments often contain
numerous cues that remind you ofpast habits.
We just fall right back intothem A resistance to change.
(39:04):
People around you may resistthe changes you're making,
either consciously orunconsciously, which then
creates friction.
It's important for you to getprofessional support to maintain
the changes so that you don'tgo back to old patterns, and
learn ways to manage, deal withand even influence what I call
the resistors in your life.
Professional coaching is agreat way to get this support.
(39:27):
You're working with a thirdparty.
They're neutral, they don'thave biases and they're not in
your past world.
In addition to that, they're achampion for you and what you're
wanting to create for your life, and having somebody else
supporting you in the changeseems to bring it about much
(39:49):
faster than you can on your own.
Your relationships do play acrucial role in shaping who you
are and how you navigate change.
They do serve as mirrors thatreflect back on your strengths,
weaknesses, blind spots,potential for growth and past.
They also project theirstrengths, weaknesses, blind
spots and potential of growth onyou without you or them
(40:12):
recognizing that this may behappening.
Let's talk about the impact oftrauma on our ability to change
and be changed.
Trauma does significantlyinfluence our capacity for
change.
Past experiences create aframework through which we
(40:32):
perceive the world and ourselves, impacting our attitudes,
choices and behaviors.
Trauma can lead to defensemechanisms and doubling down on
our behaviors.
These mechanisms can hinderwillingness to embrace change
and can manifest as fear orresistance.
(40:53):
Individuals with traumaticbackgrounds might view change as
threatening.
This perspective can trap themin cycles of defensiveness,
projection or negativity, makingit difficult to envision a
different reality.
It reminds me of a time veryearly in my relationship with my
(41:13):
now husband where he went to atransformative workshop and he
came back speaking a differentlanguage and I was so threatened
by it that I said I don't knowthis language that you're
speaking.
You're using putting wordstogether like you weren't before
you left for this weekend, andI don't like it.
That's an example of how, whenwe implement change too quickly,
(41:38):
how it impacts other people.
Behavioral patterns, reactionsborn from trauma, often dictate
how we respond to others'attempts at change, clouding our
judgment and fosteringskepticism.
Recognizing profound effects oftrauma allows for a
compassionate approach towardsyourself and others.
(42:00):
You really do need to beself-aware and be able to look
at past traumas and pastexperiences in a kind and gentle
way to create change.
Acknowledging the behaviors Ishared with you paves the way
(42:21):
for self-healing and opens doorsto transformative growth.
Let's now talk aboutunderstanding change from the
perspective of the importance oftime, effort and
self-discipline.
Change is a process that takestime.
Immense patience, strongdiscipline, conviction and
(42:44):
dedication handle the ups anddowns of personal growth better.
Here are some requirements forembracing a change mindset.
(43:05):
Time matters.
Real change doesn't happeninstantly.
It happens gradually over weeks, months or even years.
However, I do have to say thatwhen you work with a
professional relationshipcommunication coach like myself,
it can happen much moreexpeditiously versus DIY
approaches.
(43:25):
Consistent effort is key.
Putting in consistent effort iscrucial.
Small, intentional actions canlead to significant changes in
how you think and behave.
Also, your coach can work withyou making tweaks to the changes
that you're trying to implementwith the behavior,
communication, values, etc.
(43:46):
Based on a recent interaction,and then working with you real
time to implement change basedon your interactions with others
, and so it's incremental, butyou're working with someone to
adjust and adapt real time, ifyou will.
Self-discipline also can keepyou going.
(44:07):
Building self-discipline helpsyou keep moving forward.
This means setting aside timefor self-reflection and
activities that promote your owngrowth.
Change does start from withinyou and then spreads outward.
This kind of change needsself-control, awareness,
consistency, follow-through,communication, patience and
(44:29):
support.
Let's now talk about directversus indirect influence.
While you can't force someoneto change, you can definitely
influence them to changeindirectly.
By changing your own behaviorand communication, you will
demonstrate alternative ways ofbeing.
(44:50):
You'll challenge existingrelationship patterns.
You'll create space for othersto grow.
You'll inspire reflection andself-examination.
You'll create positive, subtleshifts in others.
You'll create the space forquestioning current relationship
habits in a mutually supportiveway.
You'll allow room for others todevelop.
(45:13):
You'll encourage introspectionand self-reflection.
As you're talking about your ownand sharing about your own, the
power of example is well, it'spowerful.
When you change others.
See the benefits of yourpersonal growth, your
relationships will naturallyevolve, new boundaries and
(45:34):
expectations will arise, andpeople may feel more comfortable
to explore their own growth.
Here are some importantreminders for you.
Change must come from withineach individual.
You can influence, but notcontrol, others' growth.
You can control your own andeach person's journey on change
(45:54):
is unique, so patience andacceptance are crucial.
While your personal growth cancreate conditions that encourage
change in others, theirtransformation remains their
choice and responsibility.
Now I want to share someexamples of the impacts of
change from the perspective ofthe five fundamental and primary
(46:17):
relationship needs.
To learn about theserelationship needs, please take
the relationship needs quiz onmy website at needsdrdarhawkscom
.
You will learn about yourprimary, fundamental
relationship need that driveseverything in your relationship
(46:38):
and your behavior, and you'llalso learn about your secondary
and your shadow or weakness need.
That usually is the underlyingthing that creates upsets or
issues in your relationship orcommunication breakdowns.
Now let me share some examples.
(46:58):
With love and belonging when ahusband starts expressing more
verbal appreciation andaffection towards his wife, she
becomes more naturally open andreciprocates with increased
affection.
Freedom as a parent beginsrespecting their teenager's
independence and decision-makingabilities.
(47:19):
Their teen becomes moreresponsible and communicative
about their activities andchoices.
Fun when one sibling initiatesmore playful interactions and
suggests sharing in theseactivities, their brother or
(47:39):
sister becomes more enthusiasticabout spending time together.
Safety when a frienddemonstrates consistent
reliability and emotionalsupport, their friend group
begins sharing more vulnerable,experiencing and creating deeper
connections.
Survival when a co-workerstarts prioritizing work-life
(48:01):
balance and setting healthyboundaries, their colleagues
begin respecting personal timeand adopting similar practices
for their own well-being.
Power when an employee takesinitiative to improve workplace
processes and communicateseffectively with their manager,
(48:25):
their manager begins delegatingmore responsibilities and
trusting their judgment.
Now let's shift topics a littlebit.
I really want to talk about thevalue of my approach.
I don't do this enough, and mycoach is encouraging me to do
that, so I want to share alittle bit so that you can
understand my approach.
(48:47):
I understand your desire tocreate meaningful changes in
your relationships.
Through my years of experienceas a relationship communication
coach and healer, I've helpedsingles, couples, teams and
managers understand thecomplicated nature of personal
change and how it affects theirrelationships with partners,
(49:10):
family and colleagues.
Rather than trying to directlychange others, I'll show you how
to create an environment thatindirectly ignites positive
changes in those around you.
My approach focuses on creatingdiplomatic communication
strategies that change thedynamics in the relationship and
(49:31):
reduces or eliminates theissues.
It focuses on identifying andaddressing underlying patterns
that may be blocking desiredchanges and building emotional
intelligence to better connectwith others, as well as creating
, respecting and upholdinghealthy boundaries while
maintaining compassion.
(49:52):
Respecting and upholdinghealthy boundaries while
maintaining compassion.
It also includes implementingthe five relationship needs in
your daily interactions andwithin yourself.
We will explore and understandthe role of trauma your trauma
in your relationships as well astheirs.
It will allow for mutual growthand respect and assist you in
doing your own workindependently, without
(50:14):
expectation or instantgratification.
Together, we'll explore howyour own personal development
can catalyze positive changes inothers.
I'll help you recognize andmodify unconscious behaviors
that affect your relationships.
Learn transformative techniquesfor emotional regulation.
(50:35):
Develop strategies for inspiringgrowth without controlling
others or yourself.
Create sustainable changethrough consistent, mindful
actions and choices.
Notice, acknowledge andappreciate tiny, incremental
changes in yourself and others.
Develop a deeper understandingof the impact of trauma on
relationships.
(50:55):
Learn to interact calmly andresolve conflicts in a mutually
healthy, forward-focused manner.
Leave the past in the past.
Use my disruption bydistraction technique to change
the topic or leave an argumentor negative conversation that is
frustrating or escalating.
(51:16):
Avoid trying to fix things whenyou're angry or in a negative
mindset and know what to doinstead.
Recognize and address anypatterns of codependency or an
unhealthy attachment.
Allow yourself to be seenauthentically in your
(51:37):
relationships.
Receive criticism and feedbackfrom a space of choice rather
than hurt feelings.
Redefine love and what beingloved looks and feels like.
Learn how to love yourself.
Learn how to learn how to allowyourself to be loved for who
(51:59):
you are and reorient yourcommunication style and
electromagnetics so that youexperience the outcomes you
desire from others.
Changes in relationships areachieved through example rather
than force.
When force is used, changes aretemporary.
They're not sustainable.
(52:20):
So this approach by example canhelp you become the change you
wish to see in your significantrelationships, potentially
leading to positive growth inyourself, your partner, family
members, friends and colleagues.
If any of what I've sharedtoday resonates with you and
(52:42):
there are changes you want tocreate in yourself or you want
someone in your life to change,schedule a session with me today
at bookingsdrdarhawkscom.
Please share this podcast withothers in your life.
Please share the needs quizwith them as well at
(53:03):
needsdrdarhawkscom.
Thank you so much for your timeand your listening and I look
forward to meeting you either inthe next podcast, through a
session or through the needsquiz.
Welcome to Episode 59 of the Better
Relationships Podcast.
I'm Dr Dar Hawks, your host,and today I want to talk about
whether you can really changeanother person.
I often get asked how do I makemy wife change?
How do I get my husband to dothis?
Can you really make your spouseor partner or friend or parent
(00:25):
change?
Well, my answers might surpriseyou.
Oh how I'd love to havereceived a penny For each time a
client asked me how to gettheir spouse, family member,
boss, parent or friend to change.
(00:46):
You, too, may have wishedsomeone in your life was
different, would do thingsdifferently, say things
differently, or you probablyknow someone who wishes that too
.
If so, this is the podcastepisode for you.
There is a common myth thatsays you cannot change other
(01:07):
people.
You can only change yourself.
I bet you've heard that too,but no one talks about how other
people around you actually dochange, right in front of your
eyes when you make changes ofyour own.
Now, bear with me here.
(01:31):
You may be thinking I'm goingto talk about how you can make
someone else change their ways,and I am, but it may not be
exactly how or what you want tohear.
Creating change in someone elsereally requires an indirect
approach.
You've most likely been taughtthe common mainstream approach
(01:52):
to be assertive, ask or demandfor what you want or need.
Tell others what you want themto do or say or tell them what
you want them to change.
But that approach is commonlyfollowed by resistance,
defensiveness or doubling downin the very thing you want them
to change.
An indirect and influentialapproach is a very different way
(02:16):
than telling them what changesyou want them to make, or worse,
give them, or worse or worse,giving them ultimatums.
More often than not, tellingsomeone you care about that they
must change will not pan out asyou originally wanted or
intended, which results in yougetting frustrated, them
(02:38):
resisting, creating conflict or,dare I say, the relationship,
ending.
The people you ask to changemay say people just don't change
, you can't make me change.
But the notion that you can'tchange people generally refers
to the difficulty in alteringingrained traits or
(03:00):
personalities.
However, by focusing onbehavior adjustments, you can
inspire transformation inyourself and, consequently, in
people around you.
Instead, if you could inspirechange simply by demonstrating
it through changing yourbehaviors, changing your
communication style orcommunication tactics and
(03:24):
changing the energy that youbring to the conversation in the
relationship.
That's what I mean by focusingon behavior adjustments versus
telling people to change theirtraits.
Let me give you an example ofchanging a personality.
Let's say that you have afriend that is extremely
skeptical and you want them tobecome more positive.
(03:46):
They may be inherently anindividual who questions
everything and criticizeseverything.
That doesn't mean that they'rea bad person.
It just means that they may beincompatible for you as a
positive for long durations oftime.
They may be people that you cancount on to help you question
(04:08):
things or create a way ofthinking differently about a
problem in your life orsomething that you're going to
buy or a thing that you'rewanting to take on in your life.
Having healthy skeptics andcritics in your life is a good
thing, but you, as a positiveperson, may not be able to live
(04:28):
with them 24-7.
That's kind of an exaggeratedexample, but I wanted to share
with you what I mean by traitsand personality versus behaviors
Behavior.
An example of a behavior issomebody maybe it's a roommate
or a partner or spouse.
As soon as they come in thehouse, they throw their shoes
(04:53):
off, kick their socks offwherever they are.
All of a sudden, you've gotshoes and socks everywhere in
that room near the entry of thehouse.
That is a behavior Focusing onbehaviors instead of traits or
personalities has an increasedlikelihood of being able to
(05:14):
create change.
Instead of focusing on traitsor personalities, what if your
actions and attitudes became thequiet catalyst for change?
Consider how a calm person or acalm presence or mood can
disarm anger, or how a warmsmile can soften tension.
(05:35):
Those are small actions, butthey really do have a powerful
influence.
This happens because eachperson's energy feeds the other
in a cyclic pattern of actionand reaction.
Now, this isn't about beingpassive or avoiding the problem.
(06:15):
It's truly about shifting theelectromagnetic and the energy
between you and reorientingyourself and the other person in
how to be with each other.
Electromagnetics governs humaninteractions.
It is the invisible force inyour relationship that consists
(06:35):
of a blend of emotions,intentions and unspoken cues
that influence the behavior andfeelings of yourself and others.
When you learn to harness thatenergy intentionally, you can
create a space where changefeels less like an imposition
(06:55):
and more like an invitation.
Recognizing the impact ofself-change on others will
require a healthy dose ofself-control, awareness,
consistency, follow-through andpatience.
It also requires being able torecognize, see, acknowledge and
(07:17):
appreciate the teeny, tinyglimmers of change in yourself
and in others that can so easilybe missed without getting
coaching support.
It takes time to be able to seethe change in others while you
create changes within yourself.
The main reason for this isthat you have a past reference
(07:39):
point of who you were in thatrelationship, as does the person
that you're in a relationshipwith or that you're interacting
with.
Think of it this way you havetrained yourself and each other
to expect experience and seeeach other to be the way you
(08:00):
used to be you, and they willcontinue to refer to that memory
of you in the present momentfor a period of time.
This is why it's important togive them and yourself the
opportunity to witness andexperience growth and change
consistently over time until youboth start relating to each
(08:24):
other based on this new versionof you and each other.
It can be challenging, as youand others will tend to resist
the change and be skeptical ofeach other's transformation.
However, by demonstratingself-control, staying aware of
your own actions and reactions,being consistent in your new
(08:46):
behaviors, following through onyour commitments and practicing
patience with each other, youboth will begin to see each
other as you are in the presentmoment, when you experience
personal growth andtransformation.
It can bring about change in itothers, but the extent of this
change is indirect.
(09:07):
Most people just dive intotheir interactions and
conversations with minimalplanning, reacting in the moment
to what others are saying, notsaying, doing or not doing, and
reacting to things that feeluncomfortable for yourself or
(09:27):
things that you don't appreciateor don't like in yourself that
are being mirrored through otherpeople.
Taking the time to get clear inyour body, mind and energy
before having conversations tocreate change and identifying
what it will take to become thebetter person or partner, as
well as identifying what theother person is reacting to or
(09:51):
responding to that originatesfrom you, begins with
recalibrating your own innerstate.
Here are some questions you canask yourself.
Here are some questions you canask yourself.
What energy am I bringing intothis interaction?
Am I communicating openness oram I transmitting rigidity?
(10:16):
Do I have a positive, negativeor neutral mood or charge?
What do I need to do to getinto a neutral state of being?
What do I need to do to getinto a neutral state of being,
into a state of inclusivenessand into a state of a beginner's
mind?
A beginner's mind means you'recurious about the dialogue.
(10:39):
You're curious about the otherperson and you just are neutral
about it.
You don't have a bias or anagenda.
Am I exuding kindness or am Iradiating defensiveness or
control?
Is there an experience from apast experience I've had that
I'm bringing into thisinteraction?
(11:01):
Can I leave it in the past andapproach this interaction or
experience as a new one, with abeginner's mind?
What desired outcome am Itrying to achieve with this
interaction?
Is this outcome what's best foreveryone involved, or is this
(11:24):
just about me?
What do I need to model andchange within myself to bring
forward this outcome?
These questions are not meantto spark self-criticism, but to
inspire mindfulness, to inspirea way to ensure your energy
aligns with the outcome you hopeto achieve.
(11:46):
These are some of the questionsI use with my clients, but is
not all inclusive.
However, they should be enoughto get started with your DIY
approach to checking your ownenergy and electromagnetics.
Consider this a long game.
It's a practice of influencerather than control.
(12:08):
It requires a level ofself-awareness and, above all, a
commitment to the kind ofchange you wish.
Instead of directly addressingwhat you want them to change,
try pivoting your focus inwardand examine how your own
behavior, reactions and energymight be contributing to the
experience you are having withthem.
(12:29):
For example, your partner isvery jealous of a relationship
you have with a co-worker.
Instead of trying to convinceyour partner that their jealousy
is misplaced or unfair, beginby looking at what behaviors you
are engaging in.
Begin with looking at whatbehaviors you are engaging in
(12:51):
with your coworker that yourpartner may also want to share
with you.
Their jealousy could be igniteddue to the amount of time you
spend with them, the types ofconversations you have, the
connection you have, thefrequency of connection or time
that you have with them, theinterruptions with cell phone
(13:13):
conversations or texts when youare with your partner.
There are other things that youcould look at too.
Those are some examples.
By approaching the situationwith compassion and
introspection, you might findthat your partner begins to feel
more secure over time becauseof the efforts that you are
(13:35):
making in adjusting yourbehaviors to be inclusive of
your partner.
Now, with this example, I haveworked with couples and coached
them.
Where one party that is jealousof their partner's relationship
with their coworker, they mightuse the term work spouse, work
husband or work wife, which is,and can very well be a term used
(13:59):
in jealousy.
Oftentimes, though, thatpartner will say that's silly.
I work with them, we share acareer, I can talk to them about
things at my work that you justdon't understand and never will
.
That's an example ofdiminishing or misplacing or
(14:22):
criticizing and pushing back onthe person who feels jealous,
and it doesn't resolve the issue.
In fact, it could make yourpartner even more jealous.
Instead, take a more inclusiveapproach, trying to include them
in the dialogue.
Spend some time sharing aboutyour work so that they feel
(14:44):
included, and share that part ofyour life with you, because,
let's face it, we spend a lot oftime at work More time, dare I
say, than we do with ourpartners in quality one-on-one
time.
By approaching the situationwith compassion and
introspection, you may find thatyour partner begins to feel
(15:05):
more secure over time, due toyour efforts in adjusting your
behaviors to be inclusive ofyour partner.
This process of change oftenstarts small, which is why it
requires a healthy dose ofpatience, consistency and
vigilance to ensure you do notdefault to old patterns of
behavior.
And vigilance to ensure you donot default to old patterns of
(15:27):
behavior.
Each minor adjustment you makegradually dissolves rigid
patterns that might have feltimpossible to change.
It may not happen immediately,but with patience, consistency
and genuine intent, you cancreate the conditions where
transformative shifts can unfoldnaturally and in their own time
.
The most profound shifts occurwhen you stop pointing outward
(15:51):
and start making subtleadjustments to your inner world.
Pointing outward exudes theenergy of blame, criticism or
judgment, which is why you'reusually met with resistance,
conflict or defensiveness, oreven arguing, when informing
someone they must change.
Change in this sense becomesless about control and more
(16:12):
about influence.
For explanation purposes, I'mcalling the change you want to
see in another person the issue.
It's not that you are causingthe issue or that they are.
It's that the need for changeresulted from a one-time or
recurring issue that originatedin the past.
(16:33):
It could also be an issue thatoriginated from a different
person or different relationshipaltogether.
Furthermore, more often thannot, each person is acting and
reacting based on an experiencethey learned from the past, and
it can be a recent past with thesame person, or far back into
(16:55):
childhood with a differentperson.
This is why the idea ofmindfulness and staying in the
present moment is applicable inrelationship-based interactions.
For instance, having the wisdomto extend a moment of silence
when emotions escalate, canprovide the needed pause to
(17:16):
recalibrate the conversation andallow for a space of
understanding to take precedenceover reaction.
Here's a side note One of myunique gifts and talents as a
relationship communication coachis working with people to
create internal emotionalharmony and showing them how
(17:41):
their electromagnetic isimpacting the issue, them how
their electromagnetic isimpacting the issue, and I teach
them and show them ways toshift the electromagnetics and
what energy behind the words touse in order to create change.
By using this method that I'msharing with you, they have
(18:02):
created incredible and differentresults in their interactions
as they go about their day ininteracting with the people in
their life, and the issue getsresolved Now.
Equally significant is thepractice of reflective listening
, which is not merely hearingthe words, but absorbing the
(18:24):
essence and the meaning behindthem.
It also requires not makingassumptions or interrupting.
That requires asking curiousquestions to better understand
the essence and the meaningbehind the words they're sharing
with you, instead of you makingit up or thinking that your
(18:45):
intuition has the answer, or,worse, making assumptions,
because your interpretation canvery well be very different from
their intent.
Listening with your whole bodyand mind conveys a powerful
unspoken message.
That message is that the personin front of you matters and
(19:07):
their experiences areacknowledged and validated.
In using reflective listening,you also will start dismantling
barriers of misunderstanding andstart instilling mutual respect
.
This is not about agreeing withevery perspective or
relinquishing your own truth,but it's about stepping into
(19:31):
their world and mindset to graspand understand their fears and
hopes and motivations.
It's also about putting yourown truths on pause until the
right time and when it'sappropriate for you to share
your perspective and also sayingsomething like I acknowledge
(19:53):
everything that you've said.
I'd like to share myperspective with you about that,
because it is different andmaybe we can find some
commonality and align in ourapproach going forward.
This is the way relationshipscan evolve into spaces of
connection rather thancompetition, or collaboration
(20:14):
rather than contention.
As you commit to these gradualadjustments, you're not simply
influencing outcomes.
You're reimagining yourinteractions and creating
emotional harmony, trust andshared humanity.
I've mentioned this term,emotional harmony, a couple of
times.
Let me share with you what it'sabout.
(20:35):
Emotional harmony is aboutunderstanding your own emotions
and having emotional balancewithin yourself.
It's the ability to recognizeyour emotional triggers and the
ability to navigate them withoutbeing overtaken by them, to
(20:58):
ensure your interactions arerooted in intentionality rather
than reaction.
This inner work requires aconscious effort to pause and
reflect, to acknowledge whenfrustration or impatience arises
within you and choose insteadto respond with compassion and
(21:19):
patience.
It's not about suppressing yourfeelings.
(21:40):
Show them how to manage theiremotions as well.
Emotional harmony also createsjoy.
It just makes you a happierperson for yourself, but also
happier for others to be aroundyou.
They will want to be around you.
Equally important is therecognition of timing and
(22:04):
patience for interactions.
Change unfolds in layers.
It's not a one and done thingand it's often imperceptible at
first.
The shifts you cultivate inyourself set the stage for
others to respond differently,paving the way for
(22:25):
transformation without directconfrontation.
Additionally, consider the roleof nonverbal communication in
shaping desired outcomes.
Your body language, tone andeven the silence you offer can
speak volumes.
A steady gaze, a nod ofencouragement, putting your cell
(22:50):
phone or other distractionsaway and them seeing you do it,
or simply being fully present,can communicate respect and
invite collaboration.
Saying something like let meput these distractions away so I
can focus on you is a greatexample.
These gestures act as bridges,enabling others to feel valued,
(23:13):
understood and acknowledged.
People tend to be drawn to, notrepelled by, the energy you
exude when you are activelyworking on becoming the best
version of yourself.
As a result, their energy willincrementally shift to meet
yours as long as you remainconsistent with the changes you
(23:34):
make to better yourself and whenthey are healthy and positive
and you don't fall back to oldways of being.
When interacting with those whoknow you, their energy will
also incrementally shift to meetyours when you allow plenty of
time for your transformation totake hold.
Don't attach a timeline demandsor expectations on seeing
(23:58):
change in others, and thatyou're patient with yourself,
because as you're implementingchange within yourself and
you're interacting with peoplewho know you, they're reacting
and responding to you based onthe past version of yourself and
you may revert to your old wayof being.
Keep practicing with them asyou implement change.
(24:19):
We react and respond to theenergetic change we see or feel,
but we also react or respondthe version of ourselves and the
version of the other personthat we see from the past.
So it's really important foryou to get clear about am I
thinking about this person basedon the past or am I thinking
(24:41):
about them with this issue inthe present moment?
And this is howelectromagnetics work.
We react and respond to theenergetics.
In the moment I talk aboutelectromagnetics, what they are
and how they work in episodenumber 56.
I invite you to listen to thatepisode to learn more about that
.
(25:03):
While it's true you can't forcechange upon someone else, your
own growth can serve as apowerful catalyst for
transformation in yourrelationships.
Now let's discuss what changeis and is not.
Change involves transformingbehaviors, thoughts, feelings,
(25:25):
attitudes, beliefs, values,communication, decisions and
motivations, intentions andagendas.
It means breaking old patternsand adopting new ones that match
your goals and values.
Change can be triggered byoutside factors, such as
significant life events or theinfluence of others.
(25:48):
I want to give you some generalexamples for context that
triggers change Loss of a lovedone that can lead to personal
growth and emotional maturity,or a breakdown and regression to
childhood behaviors, careerchanges or job loss.
(26:10):
This could prompt developingskills and a new life direction,
or it could prompt depressionand a lack of motivation to do
anything.
Marriage or divorce causesshifts in priorities and
relationship patterns andbehaviors.
Having children transformspersonal values and
(26:30):
responsibilities.
Having children requires changein both parents behaviors, and
sometimes having childrencreates the situation where one
parent may get stuck inbehaviors that they had when
they were single and thatdoesn't work for the other
partner.
(26:50):
Serious illness or injury canlead to lifestyle changes and
new perspectives, or giving up,moving to a new country or city.
That forces cultural adaptationand creating change with
yourself, or it could createbecoming a recluse.
Educational achievements cancreate changing careers and a
(27:12):
change in self-perception.
Religious or spiritualawakening can change belief
systems, and that can be for thebetter or to the detriment of a
relationship.
Surviving a traumatic event canresult in psychological and
physical transformation.
Financial windfalls or bankrisk can cause lifestyle,
psychological and physicaltransformation.
Financial windfalls or bankrisk can cause lifestyle changes
(27:33):
and priority changes.
Military service can creatediscipline and worldview changes
, but being deployed and comingback home can actually be harder
than being deployed.
Recovery from addiction leadsto behavioral and social changes
that can be positive or not.
(27:56):
Life-threatening experiencescan prompt re-evaluation of
priorities or doubling down onwho you are or who you were.
Starting or ending significantrelationships affects personal
growth, and that can be for thebetter or not.
Major health diagnoses thoseinspire lifestyle modifications,
(28:21):
but also can inspire giving up.
Experiencing changes like thisimpacts your relationships.
It impacts perception of eachother and your self-perception
and general attitude.
Now let's talk about the impactof changes on relationships and
personal growth.
(28:41):
Changes can strengthen orweaken your connection.
They test your resilience anddemand the acquisition of new
coping mechanisms.
Accepting change as a chancefor personal development can
enrich your relationships, butwe have to communicate the
changes that we're wanting tomake and communicate the
(29:04):
incremental change as we moveforward and interact with people
to see how it's, how they'reresponding or reacting to it.
Some relationships may end orbecome more distant because your
values, beliefs, morals orethics no longer align.
Now let's talk about what ittakes to change your partner or
(29:28):
another person.
It requires looking at your ownchoices, behavior, attitudes,
beliefs, values, moods, triggersor push buttons, your own
emotional intelligence andmaturity, your own emotional
(29:50):
intelligence and theirs andemotional maturity, and how
you're communicating andlistening.
The word belief refers to aconviction or acceptance that
something is true or exists.
Beliefs can be shaped byvarious factors, such as
(30:11):
personal experiences, culturalbackground, upbringing and
education.
They often serve as thefoundation for your thoughts,
behaviors and decision-makingprocesses.
Challenging your beliefs is apowerful catalyst for personal
growth and change.
Challenging your beliefs aboutanother person also is a
powerful catalyst for personalgrowth and change.
Challenging your beliefs aboutanother person also is a
(30:35):
powerful catalyst.
It allows you to question thevalidity of your assumptions and
interpretations.
It allows you to exploredifferent perspectives and
consider alternative ways ofthinking and being.
Having beliefs is extremelysubjective, much like feelings
(30:56):
are.
They are unique to each personin their expression or
application.
Consequently, when I'm workingwith clients and coaching them,
I start with choices.
When I'm working with clientsand coaching them, I start with
choices, because creating changerequires you to actively choose
(31:17):
to make adjustments in your ownlife, and you have choice in
the matter.
It's important to recognizethat you cannot force someone
else to change, but you caninfluence them to changing your
own behavior and actions, andthen examine your own behavior,
attitudes and beliefs.
Are there aspects of yourrelationship that may be
(31:42):
contributing to the issue in therelationship?
Is there a past experiencethat's contributing to a replay
of that issue in the present?
When a person is reacting, it'susually due to something
unresolved that happened in thepast, either with the same
person or someone completelydifferent, or it's due to a
preference that a person has, orit's due to something that
(32:04):
creates more work for them.
Here are some examples ofself-change that then creates or
influences change in others.
Joe works on increasing hisemotional intelligence and
becoming more emotionally matureso that he can better manage
(32:24):
his emotional reactions Throughconsistently demonstrating and
modeling emotional health.
Joe notices his partner all ofa sudden stops criticizing him
as often as she used to.
Jan and Joseph both strugglewith anger management.
Jan decides to attend therapyto assist with her anger issues.
(32:47):
As Jan demonstrates managingher anger in a healthy way, she
notices that Joseph's anger isless intense.
Joseph eventually decides toget support for his anger
response issues as well, andthis leads them to develop
better communication skills andself-emotional regulation.
(33:12):
Fran decides to introducenutritious and healthy cooking
into her daily life.
She gradually transforms herown eating habits and overall
wellness.
Once her partner notices thechanges in her moods, energy,
wellness and body, they toobegin embracing more nutritious
eating habits and body.
(33:36):
They too begin embracing morenutritious eating habits.
Lisa and James encourage eachother to pursue higher ed.
They create an education andfinancial plan together and a
schedule, and their mutualsupport eventually results in
both of them earning degreesthey want.
And their mutual supporteventually results in both of
them earning degrees they bothonce thought unattainable.
(33:58):
Here are some more examples.
When Emily develops an interestin fitness, her spouse Tom
decides to join her for somejoint workout sessions.
Olivia's environmentalconsciousness influences her
partner Ben to adopt moresustainable practices at home,
deepening their sharedcommitment to eco-friendly
(34:19):
living.
As David becomes moreemotionally open with his
feelings, he notices Mia'sfeeling encouraged to be more
expressive herself, feelingencouraged to be more expressive
herself.
When Priya's curiosity aboutcultural experiences grows, she
encourages her partner Sam tojoin her in traveling and
(34:40):
learning together, which thenbroadens their shared worldview.
After Hannah seeks professionalcoaching to overcome her social
anxiety, her progress inspiresher partner Chris, who witnesses
Hannah's growing confidence, toalso seek help for personal
growth in becoming moreconfident in himself, his
(35:02):
abilities and his career.
These are some general andsimple examples for illustrative
purposes of how your partnercan change as a result of the
change you choose for yourself.
Of course, it's more complexthan this, because there's
electromagnetics at play,there's your past experiences at
(35:25):
play, there's your personalityand your body's energy at play,
but this gives you an idea ofthis concept of self-change
causing change in others.
Think about it this way whenyou make changes in yourself,
the people around you will startto transform as well.
You and your people havetrained each other over time to
(35:47):
expect certain behaviors andresponses.
When you break that pattern bymaking changes for yourself and
within yourself, it disrupts thestatus quo and invites others
to do the same.
Please don't underestimate thepower of your own transformation
and how it can influence andinspire those that you love.
(36:10):
The energy within you hasshifted and, as a result, the
people around you will sensethat change and their energy
will also transform.
You can also come up withstrategies to make change easier
for them, and that's somethingthat I coach my clients on how
to do.
The example I provided aboutkicking your socks and shoes off
(36:34):
may be creating a station wherethere's a laundry basket and a
shoe stand where they can placetheir shoes and socks, because
their behavior and habit is tocome in and throw them off right
away.
The side benefit of that isthey're not walking around the
house with shoes on, and thatmakes it easier for you to keep
(36:55):
the floors clean.
Don't underestimate the power ofyour own transformation and how
it can inspire and influencethose you love.
The energy within you hasshifted and, as a result, the
people around you will sensethat change and their energy
will also transform.
They may initially resist orfeel uncomfortable with the
(37:19):
unfamiliar, but over time, withyour consistency and standing
strong, they will come to seethe benefits and embrace the
growth that comes with it.
On the one hand, personalchange can inspire those around
you to start focusing on theirown growth.
It can deepen your emotionalconnections as you share your
experiences and support eachother's progress.
(37:39):
On the other hand, change canalso create tension or even
distance if others struggle toadapt to the new version of
ourselves.
This is why change can be hardto sustain.
Version of ourselves.
This is why change can be hardto sustain.
Oftentimes we go back to our oldpatterns of being because our
community is not adaptingquickly enough or we're fearful
(38:01):
of that relationship ending orcreating more conflict or
hurting feelings, or they'rejust not changing and they're
reinforcing the old habits andbehaviors that we had.
When attempting personal change, several factors can make it
challenging to maintain progress, but you can implement things
(38:23):
and ways and strategies to keepthese from deterring you.
Lack of support.
Your immediate circle may notfully understand or support your
new goals.
That leads to feelings ofisolation.
Social expectations,long-standing social roles and
expectations can pressure you torevert to your previous
(38:43):
behaviors.
This is certainly true infamily-based relationships and
long-term close friendships.
Environmental triggers Familiarenvironments often contain
numerous cues that remind you ofpast habits.
We just fall right back intothem A resistance to change.
(39:04):
People around you may resistthe changes you're making,
either consciously orunconsciously, which then
creates friction.
It's important for you to getprofessional support to maintain
the changes so that you don'tgo back to old patterns, and
learn ways to manage, deal withand even influence what I call
the resistors in your life.
Professional coaching is agreat way to get this support.
(39:27):
You're working with a thirdparty.
They're neutral, they don'thave biases and they're not in
your past world.
In addition to that, they're achampion for you and what you're
wanting to create for your life, and having somebody else
supporting you in the changeseems to bring it about much
(39:49):
faster than you can on your own.
Your relationships do play acrucial role in shaping who you
are and how you navigate change.
They do serve as mirrors thatreflect back on your strengths,
weaknesses, blind spots,potential for growth and past.
They also project theirstrengths, weaknesses, blind
spots and potential of growth onyou without you or them
(40:12):
recognizing that this may behappening.
Let's talk about the impact oftrauma on our ability to change
and be changed.
Trauma does significantlyinfluence our capacity for
change.
Past experiences create aframework through which we
(40:32):
perceive the world and ourselves, impacting our attitudes,
choices and behaviors.
Trauma can lead to defensemechanisms and doubling down on
our behaviors.
These mechanisms can hinderwillingness to embrace change
and can manifest as fear orresistance.
(40:53):
Individuals with traumaticbackgrounds might view change as
threatening.
This perspective can trap themin cycles of defensiveness,
projection or negativity, makingit difficult to envision a
different reality.
It reminds me of a time veryearly in my relationship with my
(41:13):
now husband where he went to atransformative workshop and he
came back speaking a differentlanguage and I was so threatened
by it that I said I don't knowthis language that you're
speaking.
You're using putting wordstogether like you weren't before
you left for this weekend, andI don't like it.
That's an example of how, whenwe implement change too quickly,
(41:38):
how it impacts other people.
Behavioral patterns, reactionsborn from trauma, often dictate
how we respond to others'attempts at change, clouding our
judgment and fosteringskepticism.
Recognizing profound effects oftrauma allows for a
compassionate approach towardsyourself and others.
(42:00):
You really do need to beself-aware and be able to look
at past traumas and pastexperiences in a kind and gentle
way to create change.
Acknowledging the behaviors Ishared with you paves the way
(42:21):
for self-healing and opens doorsto transformative growth.
Let's now talk aboutunderstanding change from the
perspective of the importance oftime, effort and
self-discipline.
Change is a process that takestime.
Immense patience, strongdiscipline, conviction and
(42:44):
dedication handle the ups anddowns of personal growth better.
Here are some requirements forembracing a change mindset.
(43:05):
Time matters.
Real change doesn't happeninstantly.
It happens gradually over weeks, months or even years.
However, I do have to say thatwhen you work with a
professional relationshipcommunication coach like myself,
it can happen much moreexpeditiously versus DIY
approaches.
(43:25):
Consistent effort is key.
Putting in consistent effort iscrucial.
Small, intentional actions canlead to significant changes in
how you think and behave.
Also, your coach can work withyou making tweaks to the changes
that you're trying to implementwith the behavior,
communication, values, etc.
(43:46):
Based on a recent interaction,and then working with you real
time to implement change basedon your interactions with others
, and so it's incremental, butyou're working with someone to
adjust and adapt real time, ifyou will.
Self-discipline also can keepyou going.
(44:07):
Building self-discipline helpsyou keep moving forward.
This means setting aside timefor self-reflection and
activities that promote your owngrowth.
Change does start from withinyou and then spreads outward.
This kind of change needsself-control, awareness,
consistency, follow-through,communication, patience and
(44:29):
support.
Let's now talk about directversus indirect influence.
While you can't force someoneto change, you can definitely
influence them to changeindirectly.
By changing your own behaviorand communication, you will
demonstrate alternative ways ofbeing.
(44:50):
You'll challenge existingrelationship patterns.
You'll create space for othersto grow.
You'll inspire reflection andself-examination.
You'll create positive, subtleshifts in others.
You'll create the space forquestioning current relationship
habits in a mutually supportiveway.
You'll allow room for others todevelop.
(45:13):
You'll encourage introspectionand self-reflection.
As you're talking about your ownand sharing about your own, the
power of example is well, it'spowerful.
When you change others.
See the benefits of yourpersonal growth, your
relationships will naturallyevolve, new boundaries and
(45:34):
expectations will arise, andpeople may feel more comfortable
to explore their own growth.
Here are some importantreminders for you.
Change must come from withineach individual.
You can influence, but notcontrol, others' growth.
You can control your own andeach person's journey on change
(45:54):
is unique, so patience andacceptance are crucial.
While your personal growth cancreate conditions that encourage
change in others, theirtransformation remains their
choice and responsibility.
Now I want to share someexamples of the impacts of
change from the perspective ofthe five fundamental and primary
(46:17):
relationship needs.
To learn about theserelationship needs, please take
the relationship needs quiz onmy website at needsdrdarhawkscom
.
You will learn about yourprimary, fundamental
relationship need that driveseverything in your relationship
(46:38):
and your behavior, and you'llalso learn about your secondary
and your shadow or weakness need.
That usually is the underlyingthing that creates upsets or
issues in your relationship orcommunication breakdowns.
Now let me share some examples.
(46:58):
With love and belonging when ahusband starts expressing more
verbal appreciation andaffection towards his wife, she
becomes more naturally open andreciprocates with increased
affection.
Freedom as a parent beginsrespecting their teenager's
independence and decision-makingabilities.
(47:19):
Their teen becomes moreresponsible and communicative
about their activities andchoices.
Fun when one sibling initiatesmore playful interactions and
suggests sharing in theseactivities, their brother or
(47:39):
sister becomes more enthusiasticabout spending time together.
Safety when a frienddemonstrates consistent
reliability and emotionalsupport, their friend group
begins sharing more vulnerable,experiencing and creating deeper
connections.
Survival when a co-workerstarts prioritizing work-life
(48:01):
balance and setting healthyboundaries, their colleagues
begin respecting personal timeand adopting similar practices
for their own well-being.
Power when an employee takesinitiative to improve workplace
processes and communicateseffectively with their manager,
(48:25):
their manager begins delegatingmore responsibilities and
trusting their judgment.
Now let's shift topics a littlebit.
I really want to talk about thevalue of my approach.
I don't do this enough, and mycoach is encouraging me to do
that, so I want to share alittle bit so that you can
understand my approach.
(48:47):
I understand your desire tocreate meaningful changes in
your relationships.
Through my years of experienceas a relationship communication
coach and healer, I've helpedsingles, couples, teams and
managers understand thecomplicated nature of personal
change and how it affects theirrelationships with partners,
(49:10):
family and colleagues.
Rather than trying to directlychange others, I'll show you how
to create an environment thatindirectly ignites positive
changes in those around you.
My approach focuses on creatingdiplomatic communication
strategies that change thedynamics in the relationship and
(49:31):
reduces or eliminates theissues.
It focuses on identifying andaddressing underlying patterns
that may be blocking desiredchanges and building emotional
intelligence to better connectwith others, as well as creating
, respecting and upholdinghealthy boundaries while
maintaining compassion.
(49:52):
Respecting and upholdinghealthy boundaries while
maintaining compassion.
It also includes implementingthe five relationship needs in
your daily interactions andwithin yourself.
We will explore and understandthe role of trauma your trauma
in your relationships as well astheirs.
It will allow for mutual growthand respect and assist you in
doing your own workindependently, without
(50:14):
expectation or instantgratification.
Together, we'll explore howyour own personal development
can catalyze positive changes inothers.
I'll help you recognize andmodify unconscious behaviors
that affect your relationships.
Learn transformative techniquesfor emotional regulation.
(50:35):
Develop strategies for inspiringgrowth without controlling
others or yourself.
Create sustainable changethrough consistent, mindful
actions and choices.
Notice, acknowledge andappreciate tiny, incremental
changes in yourself and others.
Develop a deeper understandingof the impact of trauma on
relationships.
(50:55):
Learn to interact calmly andresolve conflicts in a mutually
healthy, forward-focused manner.
Leave the past in the past.
Use my disruption bydistraction technique to change
the topic or leave an argumentor negative conversation that is
frustrating or escalating.
(51:16):
Avoid trying to fix things whenyou're angry or in a negative
mindset and know what to doinstead.
Recognize and address anypatterns of codependency or an
unhealthy attachment.
Allow yourself to be seenauthentically in your
(51:37):
relationships.
Receive criticism and feedbackfrom a space of choice rather
than hurt feelings.
Redefine love and what beingloved looks and feels like.
Learn how to love yourself.
Learn how to learn how to allowyourself to be loved for who
(51:59):
you are and reorient yourcommunication style and
electromagnetics so that youexperience the outcomes you
desire from others.
Changes in relationships areachieved through example rather
than force.
When force is used, changes aretemporary.
They're not sustainable.
(52:20):
So this approach by example canhelp you become the change you
wish to see in your significantrelationships, potentially
leading to positive growth inyourself, your partner, family
members, friends and colleagues.
If any of what I've sharedtoday resonates with you and
(52:42):
there are changes you want tocreate in yourself or you want
someone in your life to change,schedule a session with me today
at bookingsdrdarhawkscom.
Please share this podcast withothers in your life.
Please share the needs quizwith them as well at
(53:03):
needsdrdarhawkscom.
Thank you so much for your timeand your listening and I look
forward to meeting you either inthe next podcast, through a
session or through the needsquiz.
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