August 16, 2025 • 53 mins
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Dr. Dar Hawks explores how guilt becomes a destructive force when weaponized in relationships and offers practical strategies to recognize and overcome manipulative guilt tactics.
• Guilt is a feeling arising when you believe you've violated your moral code or harmed someone
• Healthy guilt helps us take responsibility while toxic guilt is manipulative and controlling
• Empathetic and compassionate people are more prone to feeling guilty and vulnerable to manipulation
• Manipulators use 23 different tactics including emotional blackmail, gaslighting, and undermining self-worth
• Setting clear, non-negotiable boundaries is crucial to combat guilt manipulation
• Cultural factors including religious teachings, family obligations, and gender roles influence guilt experiences
• Guilt focuses on actions ("I did something wrong") while shame attacks the self ("I am wrong")
• Weaponized guilt causes anxiety, erodes self-worth, and creates harmful power imbalances
• Signs of manipulation include persistent reminders of past mistakes, refusing to accept boundaries, and continuous guilt tripping
• Breaking free requires recognizing unhealthy patterns, self-reflection, and sometimes professional help
Book a session with Dr. Dar Hawks at bookingsdrdarhhawks.com or take the relationship needs quiz at needsdrdarhhawks.com to understand how guilt impacts your relationships and learn how to transform guilt in your life.
Welcome to The Better Relationships Podcast with Dr. Dar Hawks, your guide to building stronger, more fulfilling relationships. Each episode dives into Dr. Dar’s proven Relationship Success Framework, offering practical strategies to help you express your needs, handle difficult conversations, and nurture emotional harmony in all your relationships. Ready to understand yourself and your loved ones better? Take the free Primary Relationship Needs Quiz at needs.drdarhawks.com and start your jou
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome to Episode 63 of the Better Relationships
Podcast.
I'm Dr Dar Hawks, your host andrelationship communication coach
, dedicated in supporting you tobe a better version of yourself
, a better partner and havingwonderful, reciprocal,
non-stressful, non-conflictrelationships.
(00:24):
Today's topic is all aboutguilt, feeling guilty and the
use of guilt as a weapon inrelationships.
I want to start with definingwhat guilt is At its core.
Guilt is a feeling that ariseswhen you believe you have
violated your own moral orstandard code or caused harm to
(00:46):
someone else.
This feeling becomesproblematic when it's
deliberately used by one partnerto control or manipulate the
other.
Guilt is an emotional responsethat occurs when a person
believes they violated their ownmoral standards or caused harm
to someone else.
As I've already stated, it ischaracterized by feelings of
(01:08):
remorse, responsibility andself-blame.
In the context of relationships, guilt can influence your
behavior and emotions, oftenmotivating people to make amends
or change their actions.
It can also be, and often is,used as a weapon in your
relationships or as amanipulation tool in order to
(01:32):
get what you want.
Guilt does become unhealthywhen it's manipulated or
weaponized by others as a meansof control or coercion,
recognizing the differencebetween healthy guilt, which
encourages accountability andgrowth, and toxic guilt, which
is used to manipulate orundermine or control, is crucial
(01:54):
for maintaining respectful andtrustworthy relationships.
You also can use guilt as aweapon against yourself, towards
others, or others can use itagainst you.
When people weaponize guilt, itleads to power imbalances,
emotional manipulation, abreakdown of trust, self-esteem,
(02:16):
self-worth and erosion of therelationship.
It's important to recognize andaddress the patterns of guilt
as soon as they occur, insteadof ignoring them, and
communicate your boundaries andrequesting respect of your
boundaries.
(02:36):
Guilt can have different effectson relationships and it's
important to understand thedifference between healthy guilt
and toxic guilt.
Healthy guilt is a signal thatsomething needs your attention.
It helps you takeresponsibility for your actions.
It helps you understand howguilt affects others and
motivates you to make thingsright or improve yourself,
(02:58):
making yourself a better versionof yourself and a better person
in your relationships.
It requires transparentcommunication, empathy and a
willingness, as well ascommitment, to address your own
underlying issues.
Toxic guilt, on the other hand,is harmful, manipulative and
(03:18):
controlling.
It is often used as a tool toexploit vulnerabilities,
suppress individuality andmaintain power over you.
It becomes excessive orunwarranted, leading to feelings
of unworthiness or self-blame,and this type of guilt can
prevent you from setting healthyboundaries, putting yourself
(03:39):
first, and may be usedmanipulatively by others and
yourself.
Guilt is actually a learnedbehavior that is often instilled
in you from a young age shapedby societal norms and
expectations.
However, it's important thatyou remember that you have the
power to challenge and redefinethese beliefs and resolve the
(04:02):
guilt within you so that it canno longer be used against you.
Recognizing and addressingtoxic guilt requires
self-reflection, assertivenessand seeking professional help.
It is crucial to prioritizeyour well-being, establish
boundaries and establishboundaries that protect your
(04:25):
emotional health.
In healthy relationships, guiltshould be a constructive force
that promotes growth andunderstanding.
By creating open communicationand empathy, you truly can
transform guilt into a catalystfor positive change.
Guilt used as a weapon, as I'vementioned before, refers to the
(04:47):
manipulation tactic of inducingfeelings of guilt in another
person to influence theirthoughts, emotions or behaviors
to solely benefit you.
This form of emotionalmanipulation significantly
impacts the health ofrelationships by creating a
toxic hold based solely oncontrol and power play, not love
(05:08):
.
It causes emotional pain andtrauma.
That is difficult for someoneto admit is happening, much less
reclaim your own power in therelationship.
Reclaiming your own power inyour relationship is easier than
you think it requires ashifting of your electromagnetic
.
If you don't know what that is,please go check out my episode
(05:28):
on that topic.
But essentially, it's theenergy within you that either
attracts guilt or manifest guilt, or creates a guilty energetic
within you that other people arethen magnetized to or that
harms you.
And it is absolutely possible,in an easy, subtle way, to
(05:49):
reclaim your power, and I canshow you when you feel guilty or
when guilt is used as a weaponagainst you or you against
someone else.
It influences your behavior andemotions, often subconsciously,
which is why recognizing andaddressing the role of guilt in
yourself and your relationshipsis beneficial for creating,
cultivating and havingrelationships built on trust,
(06:11):
respect and empathy.
Empathetic, caregiving andcompassionate people are more
prone to feeling guilty in theirrelationships due to their
sensitivity and understanding ofothers' emotions.
Consequently, the energy theyput out seems to give others
permission to use guilt to getwhat they need or want.
This can make them easy targetsfor manipulative behavior by
(06:32):
friends, family, romanticrelationships, managers and
coworkers that exploits theirguilt.
Here are 23 ways guilt can beweaponized in relationships, and
my intention is to give yousome examples so that you can
better understand and recognizewhen guilt is a weapon in your
relationships.
(06:53):
Number one inducingresponsibility.
One partner might imply thatthe other is responsible for
their unhappiness or discomfort,even if this isn't true.
Number two withholdingaffection, affection or approval
may be conditional, or evenlove may be conditional, given
(07:13):
only when the partner conformsto certain demands.
This is not only true in familyrelationships, but also
romantic relationships,friendships and in the workplace
.
Number three blaming for minoror imagined faults.
Small mistakes becomeexaggerated, making the other
person feel persistentlyinadequate, creating
(07:36):
indebtedness.
Constant reminders ofsacrifices or past favors are
used to pressure compliance,undermining autonomy.
Personal choices are criticizedor guilt tripped, making the
other person feel incapable ofmaking their own decisions.
Emotional blackmail, threats ofself-harm or abandonment are
(07:56):
used to manipulate compliance orsilence dissent.
Gaslighting Manipulating theother person's perception of
reality by denying or distortingfacts, altering memories or
questioning their sanity.
The gaslighter undermines yourconfidence and self-trust and
causes you to doubt your ownperceptions.
That then leads to guilt andself-blame for things you did
(08:19):
not do or decisions you did notmake.
The person using guilt may denyor minimize their actions,
making the other person doubttheir perception of reality.
Number eight emotionalblackmail One partner
deliberately making the otherfeel guilty for their actions or
choices, often threatening direconsequences if their demands
(08:40):
are not met.
Undermining self-worth if theirdemands are not met.
Undermining self-worthConstantly criticizing and
belittling the other person toinstill a sense of guilt and
worthlessness, making them moredependent on the manipulator.
Silent treatment Withholdingaffection, communication or
emotional support to make theother person feel guilty and
(09:01):
desperate to regain theirapproval.
Indirect communication Insteadof openly expressing needs or
concerns one partner impliesblame or disappointment, leaving
the other feeling responsiblewithout clear dialogue and
without each partner acceptingtheir part in it.
Exaggerated victimhoodPresenting oneself as deeply
(09:25):
hurt by minor actions to provokeguilt and deflect
accountability.
Invalidation of feelingsDismissing the other's emotions
as unwarranted and irrational,causing them to question their
own reactions and prioritize theperson.
Using guilt's perspective overtheir own.
Emotional manipulation Playingon the other's emotions to gain
(09:48):
control or advantage, usingtactics like guilt tripping,
emotional blackmail andgaslighting to influence their
behavior and decisions in asubtle yet powerful manner.
Number 16.
Financial manipulationExploiting the other person's
financial dependence orvulnerability, the manipulator
may control and restrict accessto financial resources, creating
(10:12):
a sense of helplessness andreliance.
Isolating from support systems,discouraging or undermining
relationships with friends,family or other sources of
support.
The manipulator aims to createa dependency on themselves.
Threats and intimidation.
Utilizing fear tactics such asthreats of physical harm, loss
(10:33):
of custody or public humiliation, the manipulator coerces
compliance and silence.
Using gifts against you.
Offering gifts or favors as ameans to buy affection.
Gifts against you.
Offering gifts or favors as ameans to buy affection, loyalty
or forgiveness, the manipulatorcreates a sense of indebtedness
and reinforces their control orcreates a sense of false love
(10:55):
and demonstrating that theyappreciate you.
Minimizing or trivializingexperiences, belittling or
downplaying the other person'sconcerns, emotions or
experiences invalidates theirfeelings and undermines their
sense of self-worth.
Also, not listening to theother person's experiences and
dismissing them also invalidatesthat person.
(11:18):
Shifting blame, refusing totake responsibility for their
actions and instead attributingfault to the other person, the
manipulator consistentlydeflects accountability and
consequently maintains control.
Number 22 using love,withholding love, affection or
emotional support, or using itas a form of punishment or
(11:42):
reward, or using love tomanipulate, keeps the other
person in a constant state ofuncertainty and longing,
creating desperation, all ofwhich is confusing and creates
conflicting emotions.
Twenty-three, pointing out orrelying on the good times or
goodness in a person, byselectively highlighting the
(12:03):
positive aspects of therelationship or instances where
the manipulator has been kind orsupportive or good.
They create a sense of guiltand make it harder for the other
person to leave or speak outagainst their manipulation.
This tactic further confusesyou and makes it difficult for
you to trust your own perceptionof reality and instead trust
(12:24):
the manipulators.
These tactics are just a fewexamples of the insidious ways
in which guilt, usingmanipulators, exert control over
others.
And, by the way, power andcontrol escalates because they
can never get enough of it oncethey get started.
Recognizing these tactics iscrucial for breaking free from
(12:45):
toxic relationships andestablishing healthier
boundaries and building yourself-worth.
Healthy relationships are builton trust, respect, open
communication, and guilt-basedmanipulation has no place in
them.
These manipulative tacticserode trust, breed resentment
and lead to emotional abuse.
(13:07):
It is important to recognizethem and establish boundaries to
maintain a healthy relationshipor create one.
I now want to give you someexamples of guilt manipulation
so you can begin and start torecognize them right away, as
they happen.
Number one a husband tells hiswife if you really love me, you
(13:28):
wouldn't say no to spending allyour free time with me.
This makes her feel guilty forwanting personal space and
quality time with her husband.
Example two a friend repeatedlybrings up how much they've
helped you during tough times,implying you owe them loyalty
and must prioritize their needs.
Your partner threatens to harmthemselves if you leave the
(13:51):
relationship, putting the burdenof their emotional well-being
on you and making it difficultfor you to prioritize your own
needs, consequently, keeping youin the relationship because you
feel guilty if they dosomething to themselves or do
something to harm themselves,that you're responsible.
Example four a boss constantlyreminds an employee of a
(14:12):
promotion they gave them,implying that they need to work
harder and be more compliant inreturn.
Or a boss dangles a promotionin order to get more work out of
you, without extra pay orwithout recognition or
validation.
Example five a parent tellstheir child look at how much I
sacrificed for you.
You should feel guilty if youdisobey me or pursue your own
(14:37):
dreams.
Example six a romantic partneruses their past trauma or
difficult upbringing as a way toguilt trip you into staying in
the relationship, making youfeel responsible for them and
their happiness.
Example number seven a wifetakes care of all of her
husband's needs, putting her owndesires and well-being on the
(14:59):
back burner.
When she finally expresses aneed or asks for support, he
responds with after all, I'vedone for you.
You can't even do this onething for me, making her feel
guilty for prioritizing herselfor even asking for support and
help.
Example eight a colleagueconsistently reminds you of how
they covered for you at workwhen you were sick, expecting
(15:22):
you to repay the favorregardless of your own workload
or commitments.
Example number nine a familymember makes passive, aggressive
comments about how much they'vedone for everyone else, making
others feel indebted andobligated to constantly please
them.
Example number 10, a religiousleader uses guilt to control
their followers by emphasizingthe eternal consequences of
(15:45):
disobeying their teachers ofabout sin and forgiveness and
manipulates them intounquestioning loyalty.
Example 11.
A husband makes his wife feelguilty for saying no to requests
like attending social events ormanaging household duties with
(16:06):
phrases like after all, I do foryou, how can you refuse?
Which manipulates feelings ofobligation and indebtedness.
Example number 12, remindingpartners of past sacrifices
repeatedly.
Remember when I did this foryou or I gave up so much for you
.
The least you can do is thisthis tactic aims to make the
(16:28):
other person feel guilty for notreciprocating the sacrifices
made in the past, creating asense of indebtedness and
control.
Example number 13, a parentguilting their child for
pursuing their own dreams byconstantly bringing up the
sacrifices they made for them.
This undermines their autonomyand individuality.
Example number 14, a friendmaking you feel guilty for
(16:52):
spending time with other peopleor engaging in activities
outside of your friendship.
Using phrases like I thought wewere closer than that.
To manipulate feelings ofloyalty and guilt.
To manipulate feelings ofloyalty and guilt.
Example 15, a boss piling onextra work and then making
employees feel guilty for takingbreaks or using their entitled
vacation days, creating a toxicwork environment where self-care
(17:15):
is discouraged and burnout isinevitable.
Example 16, framing personalboundaries as selfishness.
You should always put othersfirst.
I can't believe you're being soselfish, not considering how
this affects me, or you're theolder one.
You should just take care of itfor your sibling.
(17:36):
These statements guilt tripindividuals into prioritizing
the needs and desires of othersover their own, eroding their
self-worth and autonomy.
Example 17, using emotionalblackmail to manipulate
decisions.
If you really love me, youwould do this for me, or I guess
I'll just suffer alone, sinceyou don't care about my
(17:56):
well-being.
This tactic preys on feelingsof love or loyalty to coerce
compliance, stifling individualchoice and agency.
Example 18, gaslighting thevictim by making them doubt
their own reality or memoriesthat never happened.
You must be imagining things,or you're just being too
(18:17):
sensitive, or it wasn't that bigof a deal.
This psychological manipulationundermines the victim's
confidence and sanity, makingthem question their own
perception of events.
Please look out for recurringpatterns of guilt, tripping,
(18:38):
emotional blackmail or subtlecoercion.
Trust your instincts ifsomething feels off.
Learn how to stop guilt beingused as a weapon immediately, as
soon as it occurs in any ofyour relationships and when you
do it.
Establishing clear boundariesis essential.
(18:58):
If you are dealing with arelationship where you are
feeling guilty or haveexperienced some of these
examples, or you recognize thatyou tend to use guilt to get
what you want and need, pleasecontact me.
You can book a consult orschedule a coaching session with
me at bookingsdrdarhawkscom, oryou can go to my website,
(19:24):
drdarhawkscom and click on thecontact link on the top menu bar
.
Establishing clear, succinct,non-negotiable boundaries is
crucial in combatingmanipulation through guilt.
It's also important to addressit immediately, as opposed to
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waiting to see if it just if ithappens again and then
dismissing.
Boundaries are a way to protectyour own needs, emotions and
well-being.
Communicate your boundariesassertively and consistently and
don't be afraid to enforce them.
There are consequences whenpeople break or disrespect your
(20:06):
boundaries and you need tochoose and decide what those
consequences are going to be andcommunicate them and learn how
to communicate them in a healthymanner so that the other person
understands and agrees.
And I can show you how Settingboundaries may be challenging,
especially if you've beenconditioned to prioritize
(20:27):
others' needs over your own.
Important to prioritize yourown emotional well-being and
protect yourself frommanipulative guilt.
By the way, from manipulativeguilt, by the way.
Manipulative guilt is both ways, meaning that the manipulator
uses guilt to guilt you and thenyou use guilt to feel guilty
(20:48):
and take actions that benefitthe manipulator.
Surround yourself withsupportive people who respect
your boundaries and validateyour thoughts and feelings.
Seek professional help ifneeded, as overcoming
manipulation is a complexprocess.
I now want to give you someexamples of boundaries.
I need some time alone torecharge, so please respect my
need for space.
I will not tolerate emotionalmanipulation or guilt tripping
(21:11):
in our relationship.
If it happens, this is what youcan expect and then tell them
what you will expect.
I have the right to makedecisions that prioritize my own
well-being without feelingguilty.
I will not engage inconversations or situations that
make me feel uncomfortable,guilty or manipulated.
I expect to be treated withrespect and empathy, and I will
(21:34):
not accept any form ofgaslighting or invalidation of
my feelings.
Boundaries are about valuingand prioritizing your own mental
and emotional health, and bydoing so, you are empowering
yourself and creating a healthy,energetic in your relationships
.
Recognize manipulative guilttactics, set boundaries, seek
(21:56):
support when needed and alwaysprioritize your own well-being.
By doing so, you can cultivatehealthy relationships based on
trust, respect, reciprocity andequality.
If you find yourself trapped ina cycle of toxic guilt or
emotional manipulation, don'thesitate to seek support from a
professional relationship coachlike me.
(22:17):
They can provide guidance andhelp you become immune to toxic
guilt tactics from others andheal the guilt that's built up
in you over time.
You deserve to be in arelationship and have
relationships based on love,trust, reciprocity and equality.
Don't let guilt become a weaponthat undermines your well-being
(22:38):
, happiness and disrupts yourgoals and future aspirations.
Let's now talk about emotionalguilt.
Emotional guilt is a powerfultool that can be used to control
and manipulate you.
It preys on your innate desireto be kind and caring, often
leaving you feel responsible forthe emotions and actions of
(23:01):
those around you.
Recognizing this tactic is thefirst step in breaking free from
its gift, in breaking free fromits grip.
To combat emotional guilt, it'simportant to prioritize
self-care and set boundaries.
You are not responsible forothers' feelings or actions and
everyone has their own agencyand sovereignty.
Practice self-compassion andremind yourself that taking care
(23:25):
of your own needs is notselfish but necessary.
Push back on others when theyare trying to emotionally guilt
you, on others when they aretrying to emotionally guilt you.
Emotional attachment can alsomake it difficult to detach from
toxic guilt.
So make choices to surroundyourself with a strong, positive
(23:45):
support system that validatesyour emotions and encourages you
to prioritize your ownhappiness.
You deserve to be in healthy,nurturing relationships where
your feelings and boundaries arerespected.
By recognizing and addressingemotional guilt, you can pave
the way for more fulfillingconnections based on mutual
respect and understanding.
(24:06):
In healthy relationships, guiltis not used as a weapon or
means of control.
Mutual respect, opencommunication and empathy form
the foundation of suchrelationships.
Also, feeling healthy aboutyourself, feeling good about
(24:27):
yourself and not projecting,also form the foundation of a
healthy relationship.
Surround yourself with peoplewho value and support you and
from whom you can learn aboutbeing a healthy partner or a
healthy friend and having andhow to have a healthy
relationship, and don't beafraid to let go of toxic
(24:50):
connections.
Please don't wait until youhave absolutely had enough.
By then, the damage they havedone is already in you.
Recognize it early on.
Attempt at least three or fourtimes to put a stop to it, and
if the behavior continues, youmay have to end the relationship
or put some distance betweenyou.
Stop connecting and stopcontacting each other.
(25:14):
Breaking free from the grip ofemotional guilt is challenging,
especially if it's beeningrained in your relationship
for a long time.
You deserve happiness andfreedom from manipulation.
With awareness, self-compassionand support, you can break free
and build healthy, fulfillingconnections.
Guilt should never be used as atool to manipulate or control
(25:37):
you by someone else or, frankly,by yourself.
Think about the ways that youguilt yourself into doing things
.
Here are 10 indications youshould walk away.
If you find yourselfexperiencing any of these
indications, it may be time toconsider walking away from a
toxic relationship and putdistance between you Consistent
(25:58):
feelings of sadness, anxiety orfear, constant criticism or
belittlement, lack of trust orrespect, feeling like you're
always walking on eggshells,your needs and boundaries are
consistently ignored,gaslighting or manipulation.
Feeling isolated or cut off fromfriends and family.
(26:18):
A pattern of breaking promisesor lack of accountability.
A one-sided dynamic where yourneeds are consistently neglected
.
A sense of feeling drained ordepleted after interacting with
the person.
Deflection, denial orprojection making it your fault.
If you recognize any of thesesigns in your relationship, it
(26:39):
is time to prioritize your ownwell-being and seriously think
about walking away.
Especially if you have tried tostop the manipulation and use
of guilt as a weapon.
I do recommend you seekprofessional help to make a last
ditch effort to solve the guiltsituation in the relationship.
(27:00):
If this relationship isextremely important to you and
you're finding it very difficultto walk away from it, please
know I truly am here to supportyou.
My approach to coaching is away to move you forward, not
backward.
So when you work with me, wewill make incremental steps that
are relatable for you to startshifting from being a guilt
(27:23):
weapon against yourself or aweapon that someone else can use
against you.
We can put a stop to that.
You deserve to be surrounded bypeople who uplift and respect
you in a healthy and supportiveenvironment.
Trust your instincts,prioritize your well-being above
all else and seek support fromloved ones or professionals
(27:44):
immediately.
Walking away may be difficult,but it can lead to a life filled
with greater positivity, growthand fulfillment, and a better
life for you.
Do your best to find ways toleave instead of being stuck in
a cycle of reasons you cannot orreasons to stay, especially if
you know deep down that thingsare just not going to change, or
(28:07):
you know they change for ashort amount of time and then
revert back to the destructivebehaviors.
Cultural factors also play arole in how guilt affects
relationships.
Here are some examples.
Number one religious teachingsabout sin and forgiveness
creates deep-seated feelings ofguilt.
(28:27):
Family obligation In many EastAsian cultures, children
experience guilt if they areunable to care for aging parents
or fail to meet familyexpectations stemming from
deeply rooted values of honor.
Survivors' guilt in traumatizedcommunities.
Members of communities affectedby war, disaster, oppression or
(28:51):
abuse may feel guilty forsurviving or escaping when
others did not.
This is often referred to assurvivor's guilt White guilt In
societies with histories ofracial, individuals from
dominant groups may experienceguilt over historical privileges
or systemic inequalities.
Prompting actions aimed atsocial justice or reparation.
(29:13):
Prompting actions aimed atsocial justice or reparation.
Number five gender roles andmotherhood.
Dare, I say most women feelsocietal pressure to embody
ideals of perfect motherhood orthe perfect woman or the perfect
wife.
If unable to meet theseexpectations, such as balancing
work and family, they mayexperience guilt imposed by
(29:35):
cultural narratives about what agood mother, good woman or good
wife and it's not of their ownchoosing, it is chosen for them.
So I invite you to start makingyour own choices about what's
best for you and taking backyour power through your gift of
being able to make choices foryourself.
And if you don't know how, Ican help you.
(29:57):
Number six religious guilt.
Beyond Catholicism, otherreligions can also foster guilt
related to perceived moralfailures, such as not adhering
strictly to dietary laws, prayerroutines or modesty codes.
This leads believers tointernalize feelings of
unworthiness.
Number seven community loyaltyand individualism.
(30:20):
In collective cultures,prioritizing personal goals over
community or group needs cantrigger guilt.
For example, moving away fromone's hometown for education or
career opportunities might beseen as abandoning the community
.
Environmental guilt, also knownas echo guilt.
As awareness of environmentalissues grows, individuals can
(30:45):
feel guilty about their personalcontributions to pollution,
waste or climate change.
Due to societal pressure toadopt eco-friendly lifestyles,
economic privilege and wealth.
Individuals from affluentbackgrounds might feel societal
or cultural guilt about theireconomic status when confronted
(31:06):
with poverty and inequalityaround them.
Number 10, sexual orientationand identity.
In societies with strict normsaround sexuality and gender
identity, lgbtq plus individualsmay feel may be made to feel
guilty simply for beingthemselves due to those
(31:27):
prevailing cultural attitudesand belief systems and dogma.
Number 11, educationalattainment.
In some cultures, failing toachieve high academic standards
set by family or society canlead to persistent feelings of
guilt and inadequacy.
These examples illustrate howcultural and societal forces
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shape experiences of guiltbeyond individual relationships
and influence how peopleperceive themselves and their
roles within their communities.
These cultural influences canshape how you interact with
others and make you moresensitive to perceived moral
failings or obligations thatthen build the energy of guilt
(32:10):
within you.
Let's now talk aboutdifferentiating guilt from shame
.
Guilt focuses on specificactions I did something wrong on
specific actions such as I didsomething wrong or you did
something wrong, which can oftenlead to reparative behavior and
fixing it.
But shame attacks the self I'mwrong or someone says you should
(32:35):
be shamed.
Therefore, you take the shameon and think that you're wrong,
and this results in withdrawalor defensiveness.
Both emotions can influenceeach other, but have different
effects In relationships.
Unchecked shame may escalatetoxic guilt, making it harder
for people to communicate openly, or making it harder for you to
(32:57):
communicate openly or resolveconflicts.
Understanding this will allowyou to recognize when guilt is a
helpful guide versus a harmfulforce in your relationships.
Shame is defined as a deeplypainful emotion that arises from
a sense of inadequacy orunworthiness.
It is often associated withfeelings of humiliation,
(33:21):
embarrassment and a fear ofbeing judged or rejected by
others, and shame is alsoimpacted by your own fears, such
as fear of abandonment or fearof being alone or fear of
reprisal.
I feel like fear and shame areintricately tied together, as is
(33:47):
guilt is guilt.
While guilt can serve as avaluable moral compass, guiding
you to rectify your actions andmake amends, shame tends to be
more destructive.
It erodes self-esteem and canlead to isolation, self-blame
and emotional and mental healthissues.
(34:08):
It is really important todifferentiate between the two
and address them appropriatelyin yourself and others.
By cultivating self-empathy,self-understanding and open,
honest communication aboutyourself and within yourself and
with others, you can create anenvironment that promotes growth
, healing and healthyrelationships.
(34:29):
It really starts with youcreating a healthier
relationship within yourself andhealing any past relationships
or any experiences from yourpast that gets carried forward
into the present and impacts youand how you behave and what you
believe.
Understanding this will allowyou to recognize when guilt is a
helpful guide versus a harmfulforce in your relationships.
(34:58):
Let's talk about thepsychological impact of
weaponized guilt.
Weaponized guilt often resultsin excessive guilt and the
experience of feeling guilty allthe time.
It's like you are consumed andthink about how you're feeling
guilty in really any situationand then superimposing feelings
(35:18):
of guilt in analyzinginteractions with others in your
life.
It is all-consuming.
This persistent emotionalburden can lead to significant
mental health challenges,including anxiety and severe
depression.
The constant pressure to feelresponsible, often without clear
(35:40):
cause or resolution, trapsindividuals in a cycle where
guilt becomes overwhelmingrather than constructive.
People subjected to guilt as aweapon in relationships
frequently report what I callfeeling guilty all the time
anxiety.
This form of anxiety arisesbecause they anticipate
disapproval or blame regardlessof their actions.
(36:02):
The unpredictability of whenguilt will be imposed creates
heightened stress and emotionalburnout and exhaustion.
This emotional toll extends waybeyond momentary discomfort.
Continuous manipulation throughguilt erodes self-worth slowly.
Bit by bit.
(36:22):
Over time, individuals begindoubting their own judgment and
value and they internalize blameeven when it's totally
unjustified and value, and theyinternalize blame, even when
it's totally unjustified.
This erosion then weakens theirability to set boundaries,
stand up for themselves andmakes them more vulnerable to
further emotional abuse.
Some effects include loss ofconfidence and increased
(36:46):
self-doubt, heightenedsensitivity to criticism or
perceived faults, withdrawalfrom social support due to shame
or fear of judgment or someother fear, difficulty
distinguishing genuine remorsefrom manipulation.
Let's now talk about guiltrelated to cheating and
infidelity, and examine guiltafter cheating.
(37:09):
When infidelity occurs, bothpartners are likely to
experience varying degrees ofguilt.
There are also partners whowon't feel guilty at all, but
we're talking about the onesthat actually do feel it.
The individual who cheated maygrapple with feelings of remorse
, regret and self-blame fortheir actions.
(37:30):
This shows a willingness,indirectly, to either work on
the relationship and fix things,or amicably separate and create
a healthy relationship witheach other.
On the other hand, the betrayedpartner may also experience
guilt for not detecting signs ofcheating earlier, questioning
(37:51):
their role in the infidelity,what they did to cause their
partner to do that or worse.
One of the most challengingaspects of dealing with guilt
and in infidelity is decidingwhether to disclose the cheating
or keep it a secret.
The guilty party may strugglewith the fear of causing further
pain by confessing, or justwants to avoid it altogether, or
(38:12):
subconsciously wants to damagethe relationship because they
needed to find a way out, whilethe betrayed partner faces the
dilemma of navigating trust andforgiveness in light of the
betrayal, feeling like youcannot trust the person and
wanting to control what they'redoing and what they're saying
and who they're spending timewith.
To control what they're doingand what they're saying and who
(38:33):
they're spending time with,while unhealthy to do, is a very
natural thought and feeling tohave.
This internal conflictintensifies feelings of guilt
and complicates the healingprocess for both individuals
involved.
Navigating through theaftermath of infidelity requires
truly open, calm communication,empathy and a willingness to
(38:54):
address underlying issues thatled to cheating.
I do believe that we attractpeople in our lives.
We attract certain people inour lives to put a spotlight on
the parts that need healing, sothat we can actually work on
ourselves and heal those aspectsof ourselves that need our
attention and love, instead oftaking on the damage and working
(39:14):
on the other person andcajoling and doing everything
you can to keep them in yourlife.
By acknowledging and processingfeelings of guilt
constructively, you can worktowards rebuilding trust and
intimacy in your relationship.
Let's now talk about recognizingsigns of guilt as a
manipulative tool.
Weaponized guilt often shows upthrough specific behaviors that
(39:37):
set it apart from genuineremorse or sincere concern.
You can spot these signs bypaying close attention to how
guilt is used in therelationship.
I've already shared some otherexamples with you, but these are
some more clues.
Number one persistent remindersof past mistakes.
When a partner continuouslybrings up your past errors, it
(40:00):
prevents healing and growth.
Or when you constantly bring itup for yourself, this OCD-like
guilt fixation serves to keepyou feeling responsible and
unable to move forward.
Number two refusal to acceptboundaries.
A manipulative partner ignoresor dismisses your clearly stated
limits, using guilt tripping asa means of coercive control.
(40:23):
They also may imply thatsetting boundaries is selfish or
hurtful, pressuring you intocompliance, or they may say
things in a different way andsuch that you accept what
they're saying as your boundary.
That's another way they canmanipulate your boundaries.
Number three persistent guilttripping that includes apologies
(40:47):
.
Even after you apologize ormake amends, the partner insists
on revisiting the issuerepeatedly.
This cycle traps you.
And when the manipulativepartner apologizes but continues
the behaviors, both of thesebehaviors trap you in an
emotional loop where forgivenessis withheld and resentment and
(41:08):
self-doubt is created withinyourself.
Held, and resentment andself-doubt is created within
yourself.
These tactics are rarelyisolated incidents, but part of
a broader pattern of emotionalabuse and control.
Weaponized guilt works byexploiting your empathy and
desire to maintain peace, makingit difficult to recognize
manipulation at first.
The emotional toll includeserosion of self-worth and
(41:30):
tremendous increases in anxietyas you grapple with feelings of
inadequacy imposed by the otherperson's agenda.
Understanding these signs willequip you to differentiate
between healthy accountabilityand toxic coercion rooted in
guilt.
I now want to talk about guiltas a weapon as it relates to the
five primary relationship needs.
(41:51):
Guilt as a weapon as it relatesto the five primary
relationship needs.
Before I dive into the fiveprimary relationship needs in
today's human, I invite you totake the primary relationship
needs quiz so that you can learnwhich one your dominant need is
, which one your secondarydominant need is and which one
represented by your lowest scorecould be how guilt can be used
(42:13):
as a weapon in you.
You can do that by going toneedsdrdarhawkscom.
That's needsdardhawkscom.
I identify five primaryfundamental needs that every
relationship needs to thrive andstrives to fulfill.
(42:34):
They are love and belongingpower, fun, freedom and safety
and survival.
Guilt often becomes a weaponwhen these needs are manipulated
rather than met authenticallyby ourselves or through our
relationships with others.
Number one love and belongingPartners may use guilt to
(42:55):
enforce loyalty or compliance,implying that failing to meet
expectations threatens theemotional connection.
For example, saying if youreally love me, you wouldn't do
this weaponizes love itself tocontrol behavior.
Number two power.
Guilt can serve as an indirectexercise and dominance of power
(43:16):
by making one partner feelresponsible for the other
partner's happiness or sufferingor needs or anything that other
partner wants.
This imbalance shifts decisionmaking control under the guise
of concern.
Number three fun.
When guilt replaces genuine joyor spontaneity, it stifles
(43:36):
shared experiences.
You might feel pressured toparticipate in activities out of
obligation rather than desireand joy, which then erodes the
relationship's vitality.
Number four freedom.
Using guilt to limit personalchoices restricts autonomy and
sovereignty.
Statements like you're hurtingme by spending time away bind
(43:59):
freedom with emotionalconsequences, curbing individual
growth.
Number five safety and survival.
Manipulating guilt around basicsecurity needs can create fear
based compliance.
Guilt around basic securityneeds can create fear-based
compliance.
Emotional safety is compromisedwhen guilt becomes a tool for
maintaining order rather thanfostering trust.
This can also happen withfinancial safety, spiritual
(44:21):
safety and mental safety, aswell as physical safety.
Guilt, weaponized within thesecore primary relational needs,
undermines healthy connection bysubstituting manipulation for
mutual respect and love.
Recognizing this is key toprotecting your emotional
well-being and creating balancedpartnerships.
(44:44):
To learn about your primaryrelationship need, take the quiz
at needsdrdarhawkscom.
Understanding your primaryneeds and recognizing unhealthy
guilt can help you navigaterelationships with complete
awareness and assertiveness,fostering a stronger sense of
self and healthier connectionswith others.
(45:05):
By prioritizing open, directcommunication, mutual respect
and shared responsibility, youcan build relationships that are
based on trust, equality,reciprocity and genuine love,
rather than the damaging powerdynamics of guilt.
Let's now talk about overcomingguilt weaponization in
(45:27):
relationships.
Guilt, let's face it, it's apowerful weapon and when used in
a weapon in relationship, itcauses significant harm.
Overcoming guilt requiresintentional effort,
self-awareness and seekingprofessional help.
Here are some strategies to getyou started on navigating and
(45:48):
overcoming guilt weaponizationin your relationships.
Number one recognize unhealthypatterns.
Start by acknowledging andidentifying the unhealthy
patterns involving guilt in yourrelationships.
Reflect on situations whereguilt is used as a weapon and
explore how it affects youemotionally and mentally,
instead of dismissing it ortelling yourself that you're
(46:12):
crazy.
Number two self-reflection onfears and insecurities.
Engage in deep self-reflectionto understand the root causes
behind your feelings of guilt.
Explore all your fears andinsecurities that may be
contributing to the use of guiltin your relationship.
(46:33):
Seek support.
Please consider seeking helpfrom a relationship coach to
work through these feelings ofguilt and address any underlying
issues.
Professional guidance canprovide insights and tools to
overcome the weaponization ofguilt in your relationships.
I just want to make a side notehere.
(46:53):
I can't tell you how many timesI've experienced my clients
coming to me and saying I'vebeen in therapy for this much
time to work on this and thenthey proceed to tell me that
it's still not resolved andthey're still going to therapy
every week or every month and wekeep rehashing the same thing
over and over again.
(47:13):
Unfortunately, the medicalmodel is to have you keep coming
back and not solve what you'rewanting to heal in yourself and
move forward from, because thebusiness model is such that if
you stop going then the businessdoesn't survive.
The medical model doesn'tsurvive.
(47:34):
Now I am accepting that I amcompletely okay and happy and
elated once you start workingwith me as your coach and as
your champion and partner inbeing the best person that you
can be and creating healthyrelationships that you don be,
and creating healthyrelationships that you don't
need me anymore, that we work onother things that you might
(47:57):
want to work on, that you justcome to me for an energetic
tune-up or an energetic chargeto help you make it through the
week.
Week Together, we will solvewhat's going on in a very
healthy, supportive, caring andtransformational way.
(48:27):
The way I work is helping youto see things in a different way
, so that you get rewired to befree from what it is that's
bothering you or what it is thathas harmed you.
In closure, I want to remind youthat healthy relationships are
built on a foundation of mutualrespect, where each person
values, respects and honors theother, the other's feelings,
(48:48):
opinions and boundaries.
This respect forms the basisfor trust and emotional safety
within the relationship.
Partners in healthyrelationships, or people in
healthy relationships,demonstrate genuine care and
empathy towards each other'swell-being.
(49:08):
They show understanding,support and kindness all the
time, not just in times of need,and that creates and builds a
sense of security and connection, being brutally honest with
yourself, taking your blindersoff, seeing the reality of the
situation and not beingdismissive of guilt,
manipulation because you focuson the good times or not.
Wanting to be alone, along withtransparent communication, is
(49:30):
key to your health, empowermentand well-being.
Learn how to openly expressyour thoughts, emotions and
needs without fear of judgmentor reprisal.
Learn how to communicatewithout being dismissed or
overrun or interrupted.
Transparent communication canpromote understanding.
(49:51):
It can resolve conflicts.
It can resolve conflictsconstructively.
Please seek healthyinteractions based on trust,
respect and empathy, rather thanmanipulative tactics like guilt
.
Say things like I am not goingto feel guilty by what you just
said.
The language that you used isdesigned to try and make me feel
(50:14):
guilty so that I do what youwant me to do and I'm not going
to do that.
If you would like to ask me forwhat you need and give me the
choice of whether I want to doit or not, then we can have a
healthier relationship.
I know that sounds really harshand may feel really
uncomfortable for you to say,depending on the relationship
maybe it's with your mom or yourfather but saying it and
(50:38):
learning that skill is veryimportant and I can help you
with that.
My last pearl of wisdom for youis that guilt tactics only work
if you do not heal the guilt youalready have in you, the guilt
that you've learned, the guiltthat other people have placed in
you or that you've learned byobserving other people.
(50:59):
Use it when you do the deepinvestigative work within you
and surface how guilt lives inyou and where it originated from
, and heal it through your powerof choice.
Only then can you shift fromthe guilt having an emotional
and mental hold on you to beingfree from unhealthy guilt.
I invite you to book a callwith me to unpack how guilt is
(51:22):
impacting you and work towardshealing and even removing the
power guilt has over you andyour relationships.
I look forward to meeting youthere or in the relationship
needs quiz.
You can take the quiz atneedsdrdarhawkscom or book one
session with me and let'stransform guilt in your life.
You can do that atbookingsdrdarhawkscom.
Welcome to Episode 63 of the Better Relationships
Podcast.
I'm Dr Dar Hawks, your host andrelationship communication coach
, dedicated in supporting you tobe a better version of yourself
, a better partner and havingwonderful, reciprocal,
non-stressful, non-conflictrelationships.
(00:24):
Today's topic is all aboutguilt, feeling guilty and the
use of guilt as a weapon inrelationships.
I want to start with definingwhat guilt is At its core.
Guilt is a feeling that ariseswhen you believe you have
violated your own moral orstandard code or caused harm to
(00:46):
someone else.
This feeling becomesproblematic when it's
deliberately used by one partnerto control or manipulate the
other.
Guilt is an emotional responsethat occurs when a person
believes they violated their ownmoral standards or caused harm
to someone else.
As I've already stated, it ischaracterized by feelings of
(01:08):
remorse, responsibility andself-blame.
In the context of relationships, guilt can influence your
behavior and emotions, oftenmotivating people to make amends
or change their actions.
It can also be, and often is,used as a weapon in your
relationships or as amanipulation tool in order to
(01:32):
get what you want.
Guilt does become unhealthywhen it's manipulated or
weaponized by others as a meansof control or coercion,
recognizing the differencebetween healthy guilt, which
encourages accountability andgrowth, and toxic guilt, which
is used to manipulate orundermine or control, is crucial
(01:54):
for maintaining respectful andtrustworthy relationships.
You also can use guilt as aweapon against yourself, towards
others, or others can use itagainst you.
When people weaponize guilt, itleads to power imbalances,
emotional manipulation, abreakdown of trust, self-esteem,
(02:16):
self-worth and erosion of therelationship.
It's important to recognize andaddress the patterns of guilt
as soon as they occur, insteadof ignoring them, and
communicate your boundaries andrequesting respect of your
boundaries.
(02:36):
Guilt can have different effectson relationships and it's
important to understand thedifference between healthy guilt
and toxic guilt.
Healthy guilt is a signal thatsomething needs your attention.
It helps you takeresponsibility for your actions.
It helps you understand howguilt affects others and
motivates you to make thingsright or improve yourself,
(02:58):
making yourself a better versionof yourself and a better person
in your relationships.
It requires transparentcommunication, empathy and a
willingness, as well ascommitment, to address your own
underlying issues.
Toxic guilt, on the other hand,is harmful, manipulative and
(03:18):
controlling.
It is often used as a tool toexploit vulnerabilities,
suppress individuality andmaintain power over you.
It becomes excessive orunwarranted, leading to feelings
of unworthiness or self-blame,and this type of guilt can
prevent you from setting healthyboundaries, putting yourself
(03:39):
first, and may be usedmanipulatively by others and
yourself.
Guilt is actually a learnedbehavior that is often instilled
in you from a young age shapedby societal norms and
expectations.
However, it's important thatyou remember that you have the
power to challenge and redefinethese beliefs and resolve the
(04:02):
guilt within you so that it canno longer be used against you.
Recognizing and addressingtoxic guilt requires
self-reflection, assertivenessand seeking professional help.
It is crucial to prioritizeyour well-being, establish
boundaries and establishboundaries that protect your
(04:25):
emotional health.
In healthy relationships, guiltshould be a constructive force
that promotes growth andunderstanding.
By creating open communicationand empathy, you truly can
transform guilt into a catalystfor positive change.
Guilt used as a weapon, as I'vementioned before, refers to the
(04:47):
manipulation tactic of inducingfeelings of guilt in another
person to influence theirthoughts, emotions or behaviors
to solely benefit you.
This form of emotionalmanipulation significantly
impacts the health ofrelationships by creating a
toxic hold based solely oncontrol and power play, not love
(05:08):
.
It causes emotional pain andtrauma.
That is difficult for someoneto admit is happening, much less
reclaim your own power in therelationship.
Reclaiming your own power inyour relationship is easier than
you think it requires ashifting of your electromagnetic
.
If you don't know what that is,please go check out my episode
(05:28):
on that topic.
But essentially, it's theenergy within you that either
attracts guilt or manifest guilt, or creates a guilty energetic
within you that other people arethen magnetized to or that
harms you.
And it is absolutely possible,in an easy, subtle way, to
(05:49):
reclaim your power, and I canshow you when you feel guilty or
when guilt is used as a weaponagainst you or you against
someone else.
It influences your behavior andemotions, often subconsciously,
which is why recognizing andaddressing the role of guilt in
yourself and your relationshipsis beneficial for creating,
cultivating and havingrelationships built on trust,
(06:11):
respect and empathy.
Empathetic, caregiving andcompassionate people are more
prone to feeling guilty in theirrelationships due to their
sensitivity and understanding ofothers' emotions.
Consequently, the energy theyput out seems to give others
permission to use guilt to getwhat they need or want.
This can make them easy targetsfor manipulative behavior by
(06:32):
friends, family, romanticrelationships, managers and
coworkers that exploits theirguilt.
Here are 23 ways guilt can beweaponized in relationships, and
my intention is to give yousome examples so that you can
better understand and recognizewhen guilt is a weapon in your
relationships.
(06:53):
Number one inducingresponsibility.
One partner might imply thatthe other is responsible for
their unhappiness or discomfort,even if this isn't true.
Number two withholdingaffection, affection or approval
may be conditional, or evenlove may be conditional, given
(07:13):
only when the partner conformsto certain demands.
This is not only true in familyrelationships, but also
romantic relationships,friendships and in the workplace
.
Number three blaming for minoror imagined faults.
Small mistakes becomeexaggerated, making the other
person feel persistentlyinadequate, creating
(07:36):
indebtedness.
Constant reminders ofsacrifices or past favors are
used to pressure compliance,undermining autonomy.
Personal choices are criticizedor guilt tripped, making the
other person feel incapable ofmaking their own decisions.
Emotional blackmail, threats ofself-harm or abandonment are
(07:56):
used to manipulate compliance orsilence dissent.
Gaslighting Manipulating theother person's perception of
reality by denying or distortingfacts, altering memories or
questioning their sanity.
The gaslighter undermines yourconfidence and self-trust and
causes you to doubt your ownperceptions.
That then leads to guilt andself-blame for things you did
(08:19):
not do or decisions you did notmake.
The person using guilt may denyor minimize their actions,
making the other person doubttheir perception of reality.
Number eight emotionalblackmail One partner
deliberately making the otherfeel guilty for their actions or
choices, often threatening direconsequences if their demands
(08:40):
are not met.
Undermining self-worth if theirdemands are not met.
Undermining self-worthConstantly criticizing and
belittling the other person toinstill a sense of guilt and
worthlessness, making them moredependent on the manipulator.
Silent treatment Withholdingaffection, communication or
emotional support to make theother person feel guilty and
(09:01):
desperate to regain theirapproval.
Indirect communication Insteadof openly expressing needs or
concerns one partner impliesblame or disappointment, leaving
the other feeling responsiblewithout clear dialogue and
without each partner acceptingtheir part in it.
Exaggerated victimhoodPresenting oneself as deeply
(09:25):
hurt by minor actions to provokeguilt and deflect
accountability.
Invalidation of feelingsDismissing the other's emotions
as unwarranted and irrational,causing them to question their
own reactions and prioritize theperson.
Using guilt's perspective overtheir own.
Emotional manipulation Playingon the other's emotions to gain
(09:48):
control or advantage, usingtactics like guilt tripping,
emotional blackmail andgaslighting to influence their
behavior and decisions in asubtle yet powerful manner.
Number 16.
Financial manipulationExploiting the other person's
financial dependence orvulnerability, the manipulator
may control and restrict accessto financial resources, creating
(10:12):
a sense of helplessness andreliance.
Isolating from support systems,discouraging or undermining
relationships with friends,family or other sources of
support.
The manipulator aims to createa dependency on themselves.
Threats and intimidation.
Utilizing fear tactics such asthreats of physical harm, loss
(10:33):
of custody or public humiliation, the manipulator coerces
compliance and silence.
Using gifts against you.
Offering gifts or favors as ameans to buy affection.
Gifts against you.
Offering gifts or favors as ameans to buy affection, loyalty
or forgiveness, the manipulatorcreates a sense of indebtedness
and reinforces their control orcreates a sense of false love
(10:55):
and demonstrating that theyappreciate you.
Minimizing or trivializingexperiences, belittling or
downplaying the other person'sconcerns, emotions or
experiences invalidates theirfeelings and undermines their
sense of self-worth.
Also, not listening to theother person's experiences and
dismissing them also invalidatesthat person.
(11:18):
Shifting blame, refusing totake responsibility for their
actions and instead attributingfault to the other person, the
manipulator consistentlydeflects accountability and
consequently maintains control.
Number 22 using love,withholding love, affection or
emotional support, or using itas a form of punishment or
(11:42):
reward, or using love tomanipulate, keeps the other
person in a constant state ofuncertainty and longing,
creating desperation, all ofwhich is confusing and creates
conflicting emotions.
Twenty-three, pointing out orrelying on the good times or
goodness in a person, byselectively highlighting the
(12:03):
positive aspects of therelationship or instances where
the manipulator has been kind orsupportive or good.
They create a sense of guiltand make it harder for the other
person to leave or speak outagainst their manipulation.
This tactic further confusesyou and makes it difficult for
you to trust your own perceptionof reality and instead trust
(12:24):
the manipulators.
These tactics are just a fewexamples of the insidious ways
in which guilt, usingmanipulators, exert control over
others.
And, by the way, power andcontrol escalates because they
can never get enough of it oncethey get started.
Recognizing these tactics iscrucial for breaking free from
(12:45):
toxic relationships andestablishing healthier
boundaries and building yourself-worth.
Healthy relationships are builton trust, respect, open
communication, and guilt-basedmanipulation has no place in
them.
These manipulative tacticserode trust, breed resentment
and lead to emotional abuse.
(13:07):
It is important to recognizethem and establish boundaries to
maintain a healthy relationshipor create one.
I now want to give you someexamples of guilt manipulation
so you can begin and start torecognize them right away, as
they happen.
Number one a husband tells hiswife if you really love me, you
(13:28):
wouldn't say no to spending allyour free time with me.
This makes her feel guilty forwanting personal space and
quality time with her husband.
Example two a friend repeatedlybrings up how much they've
helped you during tough times,implying you owe them loyalty
and must prioritize their needs.
Your partner threatens to harmthemselves if you leave the
(13:51):
relationship, putting the burdenof their emotional well-being
on you and making it difficultfor you to prioritize your own
needs, consequently, keeping youin the relationship because you
feel guilty if they dosomething to themselves or do
something to harm themselves,that you're responsible.
Example four a boss constantlyreminds an employee of a
(14:12):
promotion they gave them,implying that they need to work
harder and be more compliant inreturn.
Or a boss dangles a promotionin order to get more work out of
you, without extra pay orwithout recognition or
validation.
Example five a parent tellstheir child look at how much I
sacrificed for you.
You should feel guilty if youdisobey me or pursue your own
(14:37):
dreams.
Example six a romantic partneruses their past trauma or
difficult upbringing as a way toguilt trip you into staying in
the relationship, making youfeel responsible for them and
their happiness.
Example number seven a wifetakes care of all of her
husband's needs, putting her owndesires and well-being on the
(14:59):
back burner.
When she finally expresses aneed or asks for support, he
responds with after all, I'vedone for you.
You can't even do this onething for me, making her feel
guilty for prioritizing herselfor even asking for support and
help.
Example eight a colleagueconsistently reminds you of how
they covered for you at workwhen you were sick, expecting
(15:22):
you to repay the favorregardless of your own workload
or commitments.
Example number nine a familymember makes passive, aggressive
comments about how much they'vedone for everyone else, making
others feel indebted andobligated to constantly please
them.
Example number 10, a religiousleader uses guilt to control
their followers by emphasizingthe eternal consequences of
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disobeying their teachers ofabout sin and forgiveness and
manipulates them intounquestioning loyalty.
Example 11.
A husband makes his wife feelguilty for saying no to requests
like attending social events ormanaging household duties with
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phrases like after all, I do foryou, how can you refuse?
Which manipulates feelings ofobligation and indebtedness.
Example number 12, remindingpartners of past sacrifices
repeatedly.
Remember when I did this foryou or I gave up so much for you
.
The least you can do is thisthis tactic aims to make the
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other person feel guilty for notreciprocating the sacrifices
made in the past, creating asense of indebtedness and
control.
Example number 13, a parentguilting their child for
pursuing their own dreams byconstantly bringing up the
sacrifices they made for them.
This undermines their autonomyand individuality.
Example number 14, a friendmaking you feel guilty for
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spending time with other peopleor engaging in activities
outside of your friendship.
Using phrases like I thought wewere closer than that.
To manipulate feelings ofloyalty and guilt.
To manipulate feelings ofloyalty and guilt.
Example 15, a boss piling onextra work and then making
employees feel guilty for takingbreaks or using their entitled
vacation days, creating a toxicwork environment where self-care
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is discouraged and burnout isinevitable.
Example 16, framing personalboundaries as selfishness.
You should always put othersfirst.
I can't believe you're being soselfish, not considering how
this affects me, or you're theolder one.
You should just take care of itfor your sibling.
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These statements guilt tripindividuals into prioritizing
the needs and desires of othersover their own, eroding their
self-worth and autonomy.
Example 17, using emotionalblackmail to manipulate
decisions.
If you really love me, youwould do this for me, or I guess
I'll just suffer alone, sinceyou don't care about my
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well-being.
This tactic preys on feelingsof love or loyalty to coerce
compliance, stifling individualchoice and agency.
Example 18, gaslighting thevictim by making them doubt
their own reality or memoriesthat never happened.
You must be imagining things,or you're just being too
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sensitive, or it wasn't that bigof a deal.
This psychological manipulationundermines the victim's
confidence and sanity, makingthem question their own
perception of events.
Please look out for recurringpatterns of guilt, tripping,
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emotional blackmail or subtlecoercion.
Trust your instincts ifsomething feels off.
Learn how to stop guilt beingused as a weapon immediately, as
soon as it occurs in any ofyour relationships and when you
do it.
Establishing clear boundariesis essential.
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If you are dealing with arelationship where you are
feeling guilty or haveexperienced some of these
examples, or you recognize thatyou tend to use guilt to get
what you want and need, pleasecontact me.
You can book a consult orschedule a coaching session with
me at bookingsdrdarhawkscom, oryou can go to my website,
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drdarhawkscom and click on thecontact link on the top menu bar
.
Establishing clear, succinct,non-negotiable boundaries is
crucial in combatingmanipulation through guilt.
It's also important to addressit immediately, as opposed to
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waiting to see if it just if ithappens again and then
dismissing.
Boundaries are a way to protectyour own needs, emotions and
well-being.
Communicate your boundariesassertively and consistently and
don't be afraid to enforce them.
There are consequences whenpeople break or disrespect your
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boundaries and you need tochoose and decide what those
consequences are going to be andcommunicate them and learn how
to communicate them in a healthymanner so that the other person
understands and agrees.
And I can show you how Settingboundaries may be challenging,
especially if you've beenconditioned to prioritize
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others' needs over your own.
Important to prioritize yourown emotional well-being and
protect yourself frommanipulative guilt.
By the way, from manipulativeguilt, by the way.
Manipulative guilt is both ways, meaning that the manipulator
uses guilt to guilt you and thenyou use guilt to feel guilty
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and take actions that benefitthe manipulator.
Surround yourself withsupportive people who respect
your boundaries and validateyour thoughts and feelings.
Seek professional help ifneeded, as overcoming
manipulation is a complexprocess.
I now want to give you someexamples of boundaries.
I need some time alone torecharge, so please respect my
need for space.
I will not tolerate emotionalmanipulation or guilt tripping
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in our relationship.
If it happens, this is what youcan expect and then tell them
what you will expect.
I have the right to makedecisions that prioritize my own
well-being without feelingguilty.
I will not engage inconversations or situations that
make me feel uncomfortable,guilty or manipulated.
I expect to be treated withrespect and empathy, and I will
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not accept any form ofgaslighting or invalidation of
my feelings.
Boundaries are about valuingand prioritizing your own mental
and emotional health, and bydoing so, you are empowering
yourself and creating a healthy,energetic in your relationships
.
Recognize manipulative guilttactics, set boundaries, seek
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support when needed and alwaysprioritize your own well-being.
By doing so, you can cultivatehealthy relationships based on
trust, respect, reciprocity andequality.
If you find yourself trapped ina cycle of toxic guilt or
emotional manipulation, don'thesitate to seek support from a
professional relationship coachlike me.
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They can provide guidance andhelp you become immune to toxic
guilt tactics from others andheal the guilt that's built up
in you over time.
You deserve to be in arelationship and have
relationships based on love,trust, reciprocity and equality.
Don't let guilt become a weaponthat undermines your well-being
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, happiness and disrupts yourgoals and future aspirations.
Let's now talk about emotionalguilt.
Emotional guilt is a powerfultool that can be used to control
and manipulate you.
It preys on your innate desireto be kind and caring, often
leaving you feel responsible forthe emotions and actions of
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those around you.
Recognizing this tactic is thefirst step in breaking free from
its gift, in breaking free fromits grip.
To combat emotional guilt, it'simportant to prioritize
self-care and set boundaries.
You are not responsible forothers' feelings or actions and
everyone has their own agencyand sovereignty.
Practice self-compassion andremind yourself that taking care
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of your own needs is notselfish but necessary.
Push back on others when theyare trying to emotionally guilt
you, on others when they aretrying to emotionally guilt you.
Emotional attachment can alsomake it difficult to detach from
toxic guilt.
So make choices to surroundyourself with a strong, positive
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support system that validatesyour emotions and encourages you
to prioritize your ownhappiness.
You deserve to be in healthy,nurturing relationships where
your feelings and boundaries arerespected.
By recognizing and addressingemotional guilt, you can pave
the way for more fulfillingconnections based on mutual
respect and understanding.
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In healthy relationships, guiltis not used as a weapon or
means of control.
Mutual respect, opencommunication and empathy form
the foundation of suchrelationships.
Also, feeling healthy aboutyourself, feeling good about
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yourself and not projecting,also form the foundation of a
healthy relationship.
Surround yourself with peoplewho value and support you and
from whom you can learn aboutbeing a healthy partner or a
healthy friend and having andhow to have a healthy
relationship, and don't beafraid to let go of toxic
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connections.
Please don't wait until youhave absolutely had enough.
By then, the damage they havedone is already in you.
Recognize it early on.
Attempt at least three or fourtimes to put a stop to it, and
if the behavior continues, youmay have to end the relationship
or put some distance betweenyou.
Stop connecting and stopcontacting each other.
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Breaking free from the grip ofemotional guilt is challenging,
especially if it's beeningrained in your relationship
for a long time.
You deserve happiness andfreedom from manipulation.
With awareness, self-compassionand support, you can break free
and build healthy, fulfillingconnections.
Guilt should never be used as atool to manipulate or control
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you by someone else or, frankly,by yourself.
Think about the ways that youguilt yourself into doing things
.
Here are 10 indications youshould walk away.
If you find yourselfexperiencing any of these
indications, it may be time toconsider walking away from a
toxic relationship and putdistance between you Consistent
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feelings of sadness, anxiety orfear, constant criticism or
belittlement, lack of trust orrespect, feeling like you're
always walking on eggshells,your needs and boundaries are
consistently ignored,gaslighting or manipulation.
Feeling isolated or cut off fromfriends and family.
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A pattern of breaking promisesor lack of accountability.
A one-sided dynamic where yourneeds are consistently neglected
.
A sense of feeling drained ordepleted after interacting with
the person.
Deflection, denial orprojection making it your fault.
If you recognize any of thesesigns in your relationship, it
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is time to prioritize your ownwell-being and seriously think
about walking away.
Especially if you have tried tostop the manipulation and use
of guilt as a weapon.
I do recommend you seekprofessional help to make a last
ditch effort to solve the guiltsituation in the relationship.
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If this relationship isextremely important to you and
you're finding it very difficultto walk away from it, please
know I truly am here to supportyou.
My approach to coaching is away to move you forward, not
backward.
So when you work with me, wewill make incremental steps that
are relatable for you to startshifting from being a guilt
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weapon against yourself or aweapon that someone else can use
against you.
We can put a stop to that.
You deserve to be surrounded bypeople who uplift and respect
you in a healthy and supportiveenvironment.
Trust your instincts,prioritize your well-being above
all else and seek support fromloved ones or professionals
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immediately.
Walking away may be difficult,but it can lead to a life filled
with greater positivity, growthand fulfillment, and a better
life for you.
Do your best to find ways toleave instead of being stuck in
a cycle of reasons you cannot orreasons to stay, especially if
you know deep down that thingsare just not going to change, or
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you know they change for ashort amount of time and then
revert back to the destructivebehaviors.
Cultural factors also play arole in how guilt affects
relationships.
Here are some examples.
Number one religious teachingsabout sin and forgiveness
creates deep-seated feelings ofguilt.
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Family obligation In many EastAsian cultures, children
experience guilt if they areunable to care for aging parents
or fail to meet familyexpectations stemming from
deeply rooted values of honor.
Survivors' guilt in traumatizedcommunities.
Members of communities affectedby war, disaster, oppression or
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abuse may feel guilty forsurviving or escaping when
others did not.
This is often referred to assurvivor's guilt White guilt In
societies with histories ofracial, individuals from
dominant groups may experienceguilt over historical privileges
or systemic inequalities.
Prompting actions aimed atsocial justice or reparation.
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Prompting actions aimed atsocial justice or reparation.
Number five gender roles andmotherhood.
Dare, I say most women feelsocietal pressure to embody
ideals of perfect motherhood orthe perfect woman or the perfect
wife.
If unable to meet theseexpectations, such as balancing
work and family, they mayexperience guilt imposed by
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cultural narratives about what agood mother, good woman or good
wife and it's not of their ownchoosing, it is chosen for them.
So I invite you to start makingyour own choices about what's
best for you and taking backyour power through your gift of
being able to make choices foryourself.
And if you don't know how, Ican help you.
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Number six religious guilt.
Beyond Catholicism, otherreligions can also foster guilt
related to perceived moralfailures, such as not adhering
strictly to dietary laws, prayerroutines or modesty codes.
This leads believers tointernalize feelings of
unworthiness.
Number seven community loyaltyand individualism.
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In collective cultures,prioritizing personal goals over
community or group needs cantrigger guilt.
For example, moving away fromone's hometown for education or
career opportunities might beseen as abandoning the community
.
Environmental guilt, also knownas echo guilt.
As awareness of environmentalissues grows, individuals can
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feel guilty about their personalcontributions to pollution,
waste or climate change.
Due to societal pressure toadopt eco-friendly lifestyles,
economic privilege and wealth.
Individuals from affluentbackgrounds might feel societal
or cultural guilt about theireconomic status when confronted
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with poverty and inequalityaround them.
Number 10, sexual orientationand identity.
In societies with strict normsaround sexuality and gender
identity, lgbtq plus individualsmay feel may be made to feel
guilty simply for beingthemselves due to those
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prevailing cultural attitudesand belief systems and dogma.
Number 11, educationalattainment.
In some cultures, failing toachieve high academic standards
set by family or society canlead to persistent feelings of
guilt and inadequacy.
These examples illustrate howcultural and societal forces
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shape experiences of guiltbeyond individual relationships
and influence how peopleperceive themselves and their
roles within their communities.
These cultural influences canshape how you interact with
others and make you moresensitive to perceived moral
failings or obligations thatthen build the energy of guilt
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within you.
Let's now talk aboutdifferentiating guilt from shame
.
Guilt focuses on specificactions I did something wrong on
specific actions such as I didsomething wrong or you did
something wrong, which can oftenlead to reparative behavior and
fixing it.
But shame attacks the self I'mwrong or someone says you should
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be shamed.
Therefore, you take the shameon and think that you're wrong,
and this results in withdrawalor defensiveness.
Both emotions can influenceeach other, but have different
effects In relationships.
Unchecked shame may escalatetoxic guilt, making it harder
for people to communicate openly, or making it harder for you to
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communicate openly or resolveconflicts.
Understanding this will allowyou to recognize when guilt is a
helpful guide versus a harmfulforce in your relationships.
Shame is defined as a deeplypainful emotion that arises from
a sense of inadequacy orunworthiness.
It is often associated withfeelings of humiliation,
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embarrassment and a fear ofbeing judged or rejected by
others, and shame is alsoimpacted by your own fears, such
as fear of abandonment or fearof being alone or fear of
reprisal.
I feel like fear and shame areintricately tied together, as is
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guilt is guilt.
While guilt can serve as avaluable moral compass, guiding
you to rectify your actions andmake amends, shame tends to be
more destructive.
It erodes self-esteem and canlead to isolation, self-blame
and emotional and mental healthissues.
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It is really important todifferentiate between the two
and address them appropriatelyin yourself and others.
By cultivating self-empathy,self-understanding and open,
honest communication aboutyourself and within yourself and
with others, you can create anenvironment that promotes growth
, healing and healthyrelationships.
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It really starts with youcreating a healthier
relationship within yourself andhealing any past relationships
or any experiences from yourpast that gets carried forward
into the present and impacts youand how you behave and what you
believe.
Understanding this will allowyou to recognize when guilt is a
helpful guide versus a harmfulforce in your relationships.
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Let's talk about thepsychological impact of
weaponized guilt.
Weaponized guilt often resultsin excessive guilt and the
experience of feeling guilty allthe time.
It's like you are consumed andthink about how you're feeling
guilty in really any situationand then superimposing feelings
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of guilt in analyzinginteractions with others in your
life.
It is all-consuming.
This persistent emotionalburden can lead to significant
mental health challenges,including anxiety and severe
depression.
The constant pressure to feelresponsible, often without clear
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cause or resolution, trapsindividuals in a cycle where
guilt becomes overwhelmingrather than constructive.
People subjected to guilt as aweapon in relationships
frequently report what I callfeeling guilty all the time
anxiety.
This form of anxiety arisesbecause they anticipate
disapproval or blame regardlessof their actions.
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The unpredictability of whenguilt will be imposed creates
heightened stress and emotionalburnout and exhaustion.
This emotional toll extends waybeyond momentary discomfort.
Continuous manipulation throughguilt erodes self-worth slowly.
Bit by bit.
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Over time, individuals begindoubting their own judgment and
value and they internalize blameeven when it's totally
unjustified and value, and theyinternalize blame, even when
it's totally unjustified.
This erosion then weakens theirability to set boundaries,
stand up for themselves andmakes them more vulnerable to
further emotional abuse.
Some effects include loss ofconfidence and increased
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self-doubt, heightenedsensitivity to criticism or
perceived faults, withdrawalfrom social support due to shame
or fear of judgment or someother fear, difficulty
distinguishing genuine remorsefrom manipulation.
Let's now talk about guiltrelated to cheating and
infidelity, and examine guiltafter cheating.
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When infidelity occurs, bothpartners are likely to
experience varying degrees ofguilt.
There are also partners whowon't feel guilty at all, but
we're talking about the onesthat actually do feel it.
The individual who cheated maygrapple with feelings of remorse
, regret and self-blame fortheir actions.
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This shows a willingness,indirectly, to either work on
the relationship and fix things,or amicably separate and create
a healthy relationship witheach other.
On the other hand, the betrayedpartner may also experience
guilt for not detecting signs ofcheating earlier, questioning
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their role in the infidelity,what they did to cause their
partner to do that or worse.
One of the most challengingaspects of dealing with guilt
and in infidelity is decidingwhether to disclose the cheating
or keep it a secret.
The guilty party may strugglewith the fear of causing further
pain by confessing, or justwants to avoid it altogether, or
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subconsciously wants to damagethe relationship because they
needed to find a way out, whilethe betrayed partner faces the
dilemma of navigating trust andforgiveness in light of the
betrayal, feeling like youcannot trust the person and
wanting to control what they'redoing and what they're saying
and who they're spending timewith.
To control what they're doingand what they're saying and who
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they're spending time with,while unhealthy to do, is a very
natural thought and feeling tohave.
This internal conflictintensifies feelings of guilt
and complicates the healingprocess for both individuals
involved.
Navigating through theaftermath of infidelity requires
truly open, calm communication,empathy and a willingness to
(38:54):
address underlying issues thatled to cheating.
I do believe that we attractpeople in our lives.
We attract certain people inour lives to put a spotlight on
the parts that need healing, sothat we can actually work on
ourselves and heal those aspectsof ourselves that need our
attention and love, instead oftaking on the damage and working
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on the other person andcajoling and doing everything
you can to keep them in yourlife.
By acknowledging and processingfeelings of guilt
constructively, you can worktowards rebuilding trust and
intimacy in your relationship.
Let's now talk about recognizingsigns of guilt as a
manipulative tool.
Weaponized guilt often shows upthrough specific behaviors that
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set it apart from genuineremorse or sincere concern.
You can spot these signs bypaying close attention to how
guilt is used in therelationship.
I've already shared some otherexamples with you, but these are
some more clues.
Number one persistent remindersof past mistakes.
When a partner continuouslybrings up your past errors, it
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prevents healing and growth.
Or when you constantly bring itup for yourself, this OCD-like
guilt fixation serves to keepyou feeling responsible and
unable to move forward.
Number two refusal to acceptboundaries.
A manipulative partner ignoresor dismisses your clearly stated
limits, using guilt tripping asa means of coercive control.
(40:23):
They also may imply thatsetting boundaries is selfish or
hurtful, pressuring you intocompliance, or they may say
things in a different way andsuch that you accept what
they're saying as your boundary.
That's another way they canmanipulate your boundaries.
Number three persistent guilttripping that includes apologies
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.
Even after you apologize ormake amends, the partner insists
on revisiting the issuerepeatedly.
This cycle traps you.
And when the manipulativepartner apologizes but continues
the behaviors, both of thesebehaviors trap you in an
emotional loop where forgivenessis withheld and resentment and
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self-doubt is created withinyourself.
Held, and resentment andself-doubt is created within
yourself.
These tactics are rarelyisolated incidents, but part of
a broader pattern of emotionalabuse and control.
Weaponized guilt works byexploiting your empathy and
desire to maintain peace, makingit difficult to recognize
manipulation at first.
The emotional toll includeserosion of self-worth and
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tremendous increases in anxietyas you grapple with feelings of
inadequacy imposed by the otherperson's agenda.
Understanding these signs willequip you to differentiate
between healthy accountabilityand toxic coercion rooted in
guilt.
I now want to talk about guiltas a weapon as it relates to the
five primary relationship needs.
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Guilt as a weapon as it relatesto the five primary
relationship needs.
Before I dive into the fiveprimary relationship needs in
today's human, I invite you totake the primary relationship
needs quiz so that you can learnwhich one your dominant need is
, which one your secondarydominant need is and which one
represented by your lowest scorecould be how guilt can be used
(42:13):
as a weapon in you.
You can do that by going toneedsdrdarhawkscom.
That's needsdardhawkscom.
I identify five primaryfundamental needs that every
relationship needs to thrive andstrives to fulfill.
(42:34):
They are love and belongingpower, fun, freedom and safety
and survival.
Guilt often becomes a weaponwhen these needs are manipulated
rather than met authenticallyby ourselves or through our
relationships with others.
Number one love and belongingPartners may use guilt to
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enforce loyalty or compliance,implying that failing to meet
expectations threatens theemotional connection.
For example, saying if youreally love me, you wouldn't do
this weaponizes love itself tocontrol behavior.
Number two power.
Guilt can serve as an indirectexercise and dominance of power
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by making one partner feelresponsible for the other
partner's happiness or sufferingor needs or anything that other
partner wants.
This imbalance shifts decisionmaking control under the guise
of concern.
Number three fun.
When guilt replaces genuine joyor spontaneity, it stifles
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shared experiences.
You might feel pressured toparticipate in activities out of
obligation rather than desireand joy, which then erodes the
relationship's vitality.
Number four freedom.
Using guilt to limit personalchoices restricts autonomy and
sovereignty.
Statements like you're hurtingme by spending time away bind
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freedom with emotionalconsequences, curbing individual
growth.
Number five safety and survival.
Manipulating guilt around basicsecurity needs can create fear
based compliance.
Guilt around basic securityneeds can create fear-based
compliance.
Emotional safety is compromisedwhen guilt becomes a tool for
maintaining order rather thanfostering trust.
This can also happen withfinancial safety, spiritual
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safety and mental safety, aswell as physical safety.
Guilt, weaponized within thesecore primary relational needs,
undermines healthy connection bysubstituting manipulation for
mutual respect and love.
Recognizing this is key toprotecting your emotional
well-being and creating balancedpartnerships.
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To learn about your primaryrelationship need, take the quiz
at needsdrdarhawkscom.
Understanding your primaryneeds and recognizing unhealthy
guilt can help you navigaterelationships with complete
awareness and assertiveness,fostering a stronger sense of
self and healthier connectionswith others.
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By prioritizing open, directcommunication, mutual respect
and shared responsibility, youcan build relationships that are
based on trust, equality,reciprocity and genuine love,
rather than the damaging powerdynamics of guilt.
Let's now talk about overcomingguilt weaponization in
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relationships.
Guilt, let's face it, it's apowerful weapon and when used in
a weapon in relationship, itcauses significant harm.
Overcoming guilt requiresintentional effort,
self-awareness and seekingprofessional help.
Here are some strategies to getyou started on navigating and
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overcoming guilt weaponizationin your relationships.
Number one recognize unhealthypatterns.
Start by acknowledging andidentifying the unhealthy
patterns involving guilt in yourrelationships.
Reflect on situations whereguilt is used as a weapon and
explore how it affects youemotionally and mentally,
instead of dismissing it ortelling yourself that you're
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crazy.
Number two self-reflection onfears and insecurities.
Engage in deep self-reflectionto understand the root causes
behind your feelings of guilt.
Explore all your fears andinsecurities that may be
contributing to the use of guiltin your relationship.
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Seek support.
Please consider seeking helpfrom a relationship coach to
work through these feelings ofguilt and address any underlying
issues.
Professional guidance canprovide insights and tools to
overcome the weaponization ofguilt in your relationships.
I just want to make a side notehere.
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I can't tell you how many timesI've experienced my clients
coming to me and saying I'vebeen in therapy for this much
time to work on this and thenthey proceed to tell me that
it's still not resolved andthey're still going to therapy
every week or every month and wekeep rehashing the same thing
over and over again.
(47:13):
Unfortunately, the medicalmodel is to have you keep coming
back and not solve what you'rewanting to heal in yourself and
move forward from, because thebusiness model is such that if
you stop going then the businessdoesn't survive.
The medical model doesn'tsurvive.
(47:34):
Now I am accepting that I amcompletely okay and happy and
elated once you start workingwith me as your coach and as
your champion and partner inbeing the best person that you
can be and creating healthyrelationships that you don be,
and creating healthyrelationships that you don't
need me anymore, that we work onother things that you might
(47:57):
want to work on, that you justcome to me for an energetic
tune-up or an energetic chargeto help you make it through the
week.
Week Together, we will solvewhat's going on in a very
healthy, supportive, caring andtransformational way.
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The way I work is helping youto see things in a different way
, so that you get rewired to befree from what it is that's
bothering you or what it is thathas harmed you.
In closure, I want to remind youthat healthy relationships are
built on a foundation of mutualrespect, where each person
values, respects and honors theother, the other's feelings,
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opinions and boundaries.
This respect forms the basisfor trust and emotional safety
within the relationship.
Partners in healthyrelationships, or people in
healthy relationships,demonstrate genuine care and
empathy towards each other'swell-being.
(49:08):
They show understanding,support and kindness all the
time, not just in times of need,and that creates and builds a
sense of security and connection, being brutally honest with
yourself, taking your blindersoff, seeing the reality of the
situation and not beingdismissive of guilt,
manipulation because you focuson the good times or not.
Wanting to be alone, along withtransparent communication, is
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key to your health, empowermentand well-being.
Learn how to openly expressyour thoughts, emotions and
needs without fear of judgmentor reprisal.
Learn how to communicatewithout being dismissed or
overrun or interrupted.
Transparent communication canpromote understanding.
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It can resolve conflicts.
It can resolve conflictsconstructively.
Please seek healthyinteractions based on trust,
respect and empathy, rather thanmanipulative tactics like guilt
.
Say things like I am not goingto feel guilty by what you just
said.
The language that you used isdesigned to try and make me feel
(50:14):
guilty so that I do what youwant me to do and I'm not going
to do that.
If you would like to ask me forwhat you need and give me the
choice of whether I want to doit or not, then we can have a
healthier relationship.
I know that sounds really harshand may feel really
uncomfortable for you to say,depending on the relationship
maybe it's with your mom or yourfather but saying it and
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learning that skill is veryimportant and I can help you
with that.
My last pearl of wisdom for youis that guilt tactics only work
if you do not heal the guilt youalready have in you, the guilt
that you've learned, the guiltthat other people have placed in
you or that you've learned byobserving other people.
(50:59):
Use it when you do the deepinvestigative work within you
and surface how guilt lives inyou and where it originated from
, and heal it through your powerof choice.
Only then can you shift fromthe guilt having an emotional
and mental hold on you to beingfree from unhealthy guilt.
I invite you to book a callwith me to unpack how guilt is
(51:22):
impacting you and work towardshealing and even removing the
power guilt has over you andyour relationships.
I look forward to meeting youthere or in the relationship
needs quiz.
You can take the quiz atneedsdrdarhawkscom or book one
session with me and let'stransform guilt in your life.
You can do that atbookingsdrdarhawkscom.
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